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#and not just about parenting facts

lol i was just thinkin and i realized the phenomenon from my fic of running away from home and getting barfy in some grocery store parking lot happens way WAY more than i think just in varying context 

#its like. a very common theme in my life idk how to describe it#its not even like a rock bottom sort of thing like i framed it it just happens every now and again? and it sucks but i live#its not always getting kicked out tho its leaving usually bc i just often dont feel like i can cry openly at home#like. okay theres phases of my life depending on who my dependency person was?#until know there was always one person i hung out with more than anyone who id run away to when things got weird right#first 14 years of my life it was the abuser and we dont talk about that bc it was actually worse to go there#then there was my first boyfriend but he couldnt drive at first and once he could he dumped me so it wasnt always that reliable#but yeah i was the weird kid who had a duffel bag every friday bc i tried my damndest not to spend a single weekend at my house in hs#then there was a close friend named sophia who lived not too far and could in fact drive#so like that ended in a mess for a lot of reasons she was manipulative and a very bad influence and we were both too mentally ill to like#be able to rely on one another? if that makes sense?#we were both really fucked up so we often couldnt actually comfort each other#but yeah im remembering all the times she picked me up too and we drove just somewhere so i could have an episode#when my cat died she took me to some park at a church school and i just was hysterical for a while#then we went to a bunch of stores i cant even remember i think we were at barnes and noble and then the mall and then idk#but like so many times being in peoples driveways with this horrendous sense of dread to the point i felt sick? constant bro#a big part of it too was just that there was a 75% i could go home to one if my parents moods and just be fucked#so like. we'd stand around delaying the inevitable that we knew was going home#the one i talked about in my fic tho was recent and it was a real reliable friend who got me and took me in for as long as possible#it just made me especially angry because of the context in which it happened right#like all those other times it felt inevitable like thats just how life was but that one was an outright injustice to me#in reality they all were but when youre raised in abuse you just think of it as the way things are yknow#like of course theres going to be screaming and slamming doors and even physicality i got a bad grade#but this one was just a sudden explosion of bigotry that i had to fight back over#so it felt pretty different especially bc i didnt have a designated run away person and i hadnt run away in a long time#i havent needed to like i used to. it would just be a regular occurrence to need to get out#so like that sudden being thrown out was jarring idk#especially because it just. vanished after? like that week after i think was normal but i cannot for the life of me remember#it wasnt that oppressive air of being aware my parents hated my every move it was just. there and gone#idk it sounds like im doing that thing i do where i carry on about something bc i was triggered but im not im just thinking
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 I haven’t really explained it very clearly, it’s only mentioned in This piece thus far so here’s a quick run down

 I still haven’t entirely worked out how Everett came into contact with his owner, but basically the deal was, he did the fighting dog thing and whenever he won and his owner got money from his winning, part of the money would go back to Eli. 

 Everett had been struggling to hold a job for a while at the point he agreed to this, their mom was in the hospital and he’d always been determined to give Eli everything he could, he wanted him to be able to focus on school and pursuing his dream career rather than worrying about their financial troubles so to him, this was an amazing opportunity. 

 His owner was different than the typical sadistic owner, and I feel like there would be a whole sub group of these people who enjoy the fights and want a dog to throw into them, but “compensate” them for their work somehow, be that paying them directly, paying their family, or providing some other service or reward for them. Everett’s owner didn’t punish him for lost fights, he never heavily dehumanized him, he gave him a place to stay, he made sure he was fed and got necessary medical attention. Everett was allowed to talk to Eli and their mother as much as he wanted, he was allowed to take breaks to go home and visit them, all his owner asked was that he didn’t disclose too much information about his new “job”. He was also free to back out at any time, since really he would be the only one losing out on something.

 He had planned to do this for as long as he could, he wanted to be able to support his family, and his death was a really, really unfortunate accident. 

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trauma discourse is especially annoying and tiring on the internet because you only ever have people acting like being traumatised is this little club only some people should have access to OR people who invalidate most experiences as not traumatic enough and make jokes like “my parents yelled at me once #daddy issues”

and it’s because very few medical and mental health professionals even are actually trauma-informed and we live in a culture of never letting yourself experience things and say “you know that was actually really bad and affected me a lot”. trauma is NOT an event, it’s how you, your body and mind, respond to an event. if your parents had a divorce, if you moved a lot, if someone close to you died, if you had a really bad workplace, if you had bad falling outs with friends - it doesn’t matter whether other people would perceive those things as bad, it matters how YOU at the time perceived it

the reason it feels like everyone has trauma now is because we are actually slowly becoming more trauma-informed and truth is, most people have experienced some sort of trauma. traumatised people raise other traumatised people - but we never raise people who have resources that would allow them to cope with those traumatic experiences

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@regexkind replied to your post “no one ever tells you about the time my parents hired a plane to drop an empty milk crate full of cash on the top of a building…”

Please tell us Frank

Here’s a story about my dad and the ocean:

One winter day in high school I think, my dad was out walking our puggle, and they had just walked down to the ocean when they noticed this — this enormous blue-and-orange-striped US Airways jet, and it was flying really low.

“Oh, it’s an emergency!” my dad, who was always very enthusiastic about his pets, said. It was the pilot — he could hear this very excited voice over the plane’s PA system talking to the pilot.

“We’re being pulled toward the Earth’s center of mass! The building next door has collapsed!!”

So dad turned to me and said with a big smile on his face, “You know, you’ve always wondered why the building next door collapsed. It’s for this very reason.”

“Cool,” I said, having long ago outgrown my interest in aeronautical engineering. The plane then began to accelerate, and it took off. As I looked out the window at its progress, I exclaimed:

“Haha, there he is!”

My father, slightly confused, said, “Who is he?”

“He’s just a pilot, sir. Usually they fly over something and he goes, ‘that’ll do!’

"Anyway, he’s flying this one low over the ocean right now!”

“It’s really cool! Look at that, next to the skyscrapers, right in the center of the big ol’ city!”

I looked out our bedroom window at that day’s Pacific Sun newspaper, which showed the plane in the center of a large red 'X.’ To my younger self, the idea of 'X’s’ evoking a feeling of danger made perfect sense, as this kind of pilot is always flying in a direction that is always more or less directly under the center of gravity of whatever he’s flying.

“It’s so cool what this guy pilots his plane!” I told him. “He went to school to become a pilot, but he ended up doing space research instead, so he’s living now on a space station, just thinking up new ways to crash the plane into the building.”

“Yeah, I heard that from the pilot’s wife. If only that pilot had looked out those window a bit further, she told me, he would have seen the big X there, and he would have never have ended up on the space station but for that one window.”

We both chuckled, and then my father said, “And look, son, it really looks like you’re having a good day, so why don’t we drive over to the supermarket so we can grab some lunch?”

I don’t recall any details of this story and the specific sequence of events is a little confused, but I do think about it every now and then, and there are some very strange things about this that are hard for me to put into words

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Remembering last year when predestination came up in class and a dude was like, that makes no sense, if you have no control about where you are going to end up, why would you lead a good life, because in the end you have no control over it, and I was sitting there like, you’re asking the questions six year old me was already thinking about

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haha so my family is renting a house while my parents build their new house, and we’re very concerned that there are listening devices/cameras somewhere… yay!

it’s a really nice house, so I get why the landlord would want to make sure it’s not getting damaged… but also wtf??

there have been 2 instances that have made us think this. the first one could have been a coincidence, but the second one was kind of sketchy. but apparently my dad had some connection to a guy in the fbi, and he’s coming to check our entire house this afternoon :)

….so that fun

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hmmm thinking about the vina death made me think about the alphonse death made me go back to the scene with auberon and cerise at the campfire that night. fucking HATE it here <3

#they were. SO open with each other...........#i mean. as far as that goes with them--#like. it's less obvious bc she's less withdrawn than SOME ppl in this party but. cerise talked about rhest!#and not for practical 'i have to talk about this to Make People Understand or Get Them On My Side' reasons just for! 'this was fucked!'#'the general came and saw what was happening to us and didn't even care! alphonse cared but didn't/couldn't do anything!'#she was still vague about it but she TALKED about it on PURPOSE!#she doesn't DO that she only talks about it Strategically#and auberon talked about vis like....family! hopes for the future! etc!#hell auberon INITIATED the conversation!!!! ve STARTED it! when has THAT ever happened!#they talked about arborea and agricola!#they talked about leadership and war and who you become in order to be at war the dramatic irony fucking STINGS now#AND earlier that day they talked about spirit stuff! (bc cerise managed to hit the correct 'this is the Practical Thing To Do' button but--)#and then. the next day was when they found Parent#thinking about cerise just fucking. sitting there next to ver as ve was sitting by the tree trunk. for an HOUR#and it was. maybe the only time auberon's cried on screen? or in front of someone else?#cerise just pulling auberon into her arms because that's her INSTINCT and ve. not responding but also not pulling away--#her Physically pulling ver away from Parent (which was a distinct moment of me making a character do something i Wouldn't)#the fact that i'm STILL not sure either in or out of character if it was good that she was there!!!!!#they were just. they were SO open with each other on that road trip! and now things are Like This!#but that's WHY she feels Ok about all of this is that auberon is here it's why she's even considering leaving to be on a strike team#she trusts ver!!!! and i *think* ve also trusts her? maybe? idk i'm not in bron's head#but still. things are Like This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#cha:cerise#c:crop#this is a topic for a whole other post but i realized the crop party bond is like. the camp counselor bond#which is a Very Specific bond#a lot of dnd party bonds are like that i think
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idk if this is Little Baby Discourse that we’ve already been over but as someone whose family was directly and irreparably affected by predatory child welfare services under a colonial government I find those modern au takes where it’s like ‘the Greyjoys are an ignorant low income family and they live in a trailer and the Starks notice immediately that Theon is malnourished so they take him in and everything works out the end’ to be uhhhhh questionable like why is Unhealthy Dynamic synonymous with Poor and what is so attractive about the canonical Child Removed From Their Culture And Homeland being translated into Poor Child Leaves Bad Hick Family To Be With Nice Upper Middle Class Family ???

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They didn’t mean to develop such a strange relationship but early on they both had their limits. Cain didn’t want to risk Zander dying, he got way too attached to him the moment he realized he couldn’t leave, and no matter what Cain had done to him, Zander still knew he didn’t deserve to be treated that way by his own father

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