#and now i'm just rambling but this is just. so hard to articulate

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something' #like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :) #if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away. #and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?' #dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

[welcometogrouchland]

I'm on hiatus from thinking for the next while. Discursive and analytical fandom practices I love you so so much you are in everything I do, including the silliest of headcanons and comics but FUCK I am not equipped to think about. Anything right now

#ramblings of a lunatic #tbh my art muscles are exhausted too so i think I'm just gonna. be a bottom feeder for a little while. #like a deep sea creature letting plankton drift into it's mouth on the ocean floor yknow #hard to do when half your dash is about stuff u are not a part of and the other half is abt the fandom that's in hiatus #and approaching it's finale (and the end of a show should NOT be the end of a fandom it should NOT but. i know how these things play out) #and i can't just rewatch the episodes bc I've literally seen them too many times now #and watching them is like. oh hey episode! blink. it's over #bc everything is MEMORIZED AT THIS POINT #the obvious answer would be to go watch something else rn but i keep TRYING AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I ONLY WANT THE SPRINTEREST RN #but i also don't if that makes sense. i want the spinterest to be new but also comforting and different but also the same #aka i want a new episode to release bc i dislike the quiet fandom during hiatus BUT i don't want it to air bc then the show is over #so I'm just kinda. sitting here. frustrated #sitting on all my art and text posts bc I'm in a funk rn and none of them feel Right™ #bc (CIRCLING BACK AROUND TO THE ACTUAL BODY OF THIS POST) they're all my usual hc/analytical fair #but i like to always have a good sense of character when i make those but those require REWATCHES FOR ME and i CAN'T REWATCH #BC OF ALL THE ABOVE THINGS I MENTIONED #oh man. i feel a bit better writing it down though. getting it out there somewhere in a semi-articulate way #I'm not done with my current hyperfixation- far from it depending on how the show ends- I'm just pre-bummed about the finale #and how it's gonna impact the fan environment that normally supplements my own fan activities like rewatches fanart etc #ohhhh my god that felt good to explain #it's to no one in particular but it felt good. this talking about your feelings shit actually works man #anyway please pray for me that i go to sleep some time tonight bc i slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day #after staying up the previous night #and i do not wanna throw my sleep schedule too far outta wack #(i think..i need to watch more movies? less commitment than series but distract me for a good bit. send reqs ig!)

[greenishghostey]

Squirting thots continued from yesterday: imagine if you squirted while Eddie was fucking you hard and deep while holding your knees next to your head, and he pulled out, slapped his cock against your pussy a few times to get it nice and soaked, and you had came so much it was literally creating little splashes

Damn ain't this A CONCEPT. Let's write some filth about it.

18+ Content MDNI

///

The slick squelching from your puffy cunt was just so loud. All you could hear was Eddie's wet pounding, his guttural moans and your own whining. His thick fingers were covered in your wet, having fucked you for what could have been 5 minutes or an hour with his hands earlier. The vice grip on your sweaty thighs had his nails biting into your skin.

"C'mon, one more of me, yeah?" Eddie panted, hiking your legs up by the backs of your knees. "My little lady can do one more, can't she?" He wanted an actual answer. "Use your words, babe, or I'll be annoying as all hell."

You could barely string a thought together. The majority of your day had been spent with some part of Eddie in you. Fingers, tongue, cock, he hadn't let up for what felt like hours. Only stopping for bathroom and snack breaks - he bought you the sandwich stuff you liked and even cut it diagonal for you. A far cry from the perv that was currently trying to get you to soak his mattress.

"One more. Can do one. Mhmm." You rambled, panting and fidgeting in Eddie's hold. The tension in your thighs and how deep Eddie was inside you had drool pooling in your mouth. You could feel him in your fucking stomach.

"Great," Eddie quickly pushed your legs up and back, your knees close to your head. "You're gonna be real sore after this. But I'll fix it later."

The pace set was nothing short of brutal. It felt almost unhinged in a way. Eddie's soaked cock was pounding into you and you couldn't do anything but lie there and take it. He was somehow deeper now and slamming into your g-spot, making the drool slide from your mouth.

Your mind was almost entirely blank. It was bliss, if anything. All you could focus on was the stretch and strain of Eddie and the burning that twisted in your stomach.

"God, I love when you look like that," Eddie groaned, lidded eyes trained on your face. "You're fuckin' drooling all 'cause of me. Because I'm the only one who can make ya feel this good, huh?" It amazed you that he could still think and talk.

"Fuckin' good, so good Eds - fucking god." You moaned, well aware that you were close but you couldn't articulate it anymore. Eddie would just have to figure it out. The twisting heat in your stomach moved down your abdomen. It felt like you had to pee. You knew this distinct feeling and it was exactly what Eddie was aiming for.

"Just one more big one, uh huh?" Eddie panted, leaning in closer - impossibly close so he could feel everything you were going to give him. "Soak this fucking bed." He whispered through clenched teeth directly into your face.

The release felt like a dam breaking. You screamed into Eddie's waiting mouth as he smiled down at you. You came in wet spurts, coating Eddie's lower body and the mattress under you both. He had made a joke about wanting some new stains to jazz the place up a bit.

The world was hazy as you gasped and caught your breath - any tense quickly leaving your body entirely. Eddie had let your legs rest on the bed again and slipped out of you just as fast. It took you a few seconds to notice what he was doing.

Eddie furiously pumped his cock in his fist, heavy lidded eyes focused on your messy cunt - his handiwork. You liked to watch him. It was raw and actually quite pretty in a feral sort of way. The jerking off just wasn't cutting it, however, so Eddie began slapping the leaking head of his cock in your mess. You twitched at the new stimulation, mewling and whining and only bringing Eddie closer to cumming.

"Jesus Christ, babe," He whined, fucking his hand and sliding his cock through your cum. "So so good for me. Just for me. Want me to cum on your pussy? Make more of a mess?"

You honestly wanted to cry because you wanted it that badly. "Mhmm, messy, please."

The wet slapping of Eddie's cock on your cunt had started to cause small splashes. They hit his torso, your tits and his bed - creating even more little stains. The experience was new, but exhilarating. It led you both to moan in unison into each other's mouths, a wet and desperate kiss to muffle Eddie's eventual yells.

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x reader smut #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie Munson smut #smut #fic #eddie #my writing

[kell-be-belle]

TMAGP Thoughts (Spoilers)

I'm an RQ Patreon so I got to hear EP 1 & 2 of Protocol today and I know it'll be a few days for general hype, I need to share my thoughts about a very specific part while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm going to try hard to be articulate about it, but I'm also having a lot of feelings. Spoilers below the cut

On the subject of the program known as Norris. Now, I know that there's no official equation between Norris and Martin Blackwood, but for argument's sake, I'm going to treat them as related. This is also all my own speculation so bear with me.

The first significant sentence we hear Norris say in their reading is "I just couldn't face the thought of the rest of my life never hearing him again." and when I say it knocked the air clean from my lungs, I cannot be exaggerating any less. I immediately burst into tears.

First off, the fact that the reading specifically states the idea of never hearing a loved one's voice again, in a series where voice holds such power, has implications that I can barely even begin to fathom at this moment. And the fact that it is Martin's voice speaking about it must have reason. From what I've gathered in Jonny's writing, there isn't much that can be chalked up to coincidence and I most certainly don't believe that could be the case in something as highly anticipated as Protocol.

Now, as far as we know from the end of Archives, Martin has successfully killed Jon. It's highly likely that Martin is also killed, however, we can still hear him breathing and crying even as the Panopticon collapses around them. It's perfectly reasonable to speculate that Martin somehow survived the aftermath. Meaning, Martin could have very possibly been left to process the insurmountable grief of losing Jon by himself (Which has other themes tying back to his connection with The Lonely that I can't even touch upon)

The reading made by Norris talks about a grieving spouse who is going to some relatively extreme lengths to be reconnected with their husband, Arthur. It appears as though the dearly departed Arthur has somehow come back to the mortal plane. There could be a couple of explanations for this, but I think it could mostly likely be one of two. Either, something is masquerading as Arthur OR Arthur has come back, but has come back wrong.

So here is where things get really sad for me because this is the scenario my mind supplied me with upon gathering all this information:

Martin survives the fall of the Panopticon. Jon is dead. Martin grieves for his lost love. The grief becomes so deep and so all-consuming that Martin becomes desperate to scrounge for any scrap of Jon that could possibly remain. It leads Martin down roads best left untraveled and perhaps, but some miracle or more appropriately a curse, Jon has somehow come back, but, like Arthur, he's come back wrong. Perhaps something with the Eye or the Web or the other fears that possibly looks like Jon, almost certainly sounds like Jon, but is not Jon. And now Martin is left with an impossible choice. To lose himself in the sound of a voice he feared he would never hear again or acknowledge that voice speaks hollow words and silence it to himself permanently.

Anyway, this feels like a bit of a ramble, but I hope it makes enough sense. While a lot of it is speculation, I don't think the fact that it was that particular reading done in that particular voice after those particular events is without some significance. Only time will tell us the truth of what happened. 

#I feel like things make so much sense in my head but writing them out is like wrestling an alligator #tmagp #tmagp spoilers #the magnus protocol #the magnus protocol spoilers #the magnus archives #tma #martin blackwood #jonathan sims #jonmartin

[haliteatiger]

This my "Tav", Silence. I'm still sorta working out her background details, but for now it's safe to say she's had it pretty rough.

Check below the cut for a lot of rambling and pointless, self-indulgent headcanons.

Her name comes from the fact that she didn't speak for the first few years of her life, instead learning to play the violin and communicating through her art. Someone started calling her "Little Silence" and it just sort of stuck. She didn't know her parents, but was adopted by a noble who saw her as a unique "pet" given her unusual appearance - even for a tiefling - and her musical and artistic talents.

Unfortunately, the guy was bad with money, and ended up gambling away a good portion of whatever Silence earned, in the end becoming desperate enough to try and auction off her virginity when she came of age. Silence, obviously, was not going to stand for this, and managed to escape - possibly killing the man who bought her in the process, she wasn't sure and frankly doesn't care.

With only her violin and a precious few belongings in tow, Silence made her way to Baldur's Gate and was eventually found by a gang of performers and thieves (that I have yet to come up with a name for) where she learned ways on how to survive on the streets and defend herself with her art. Now in her late 20s, and poised to set out on her own due to some complications within her social circle, she was taken aboard the Nautiloid.

There are two sides to Silence - one is kind of quiet, observant, and sensitive. She has a way of simply blending into the background if she doesn't want to be observed (she's good at Stealthing, I guess), and the other is her more or less "bard persona", which is outgoing and charismatic. Contrary to her name, Silence can be quite talkative when the mood strikes her. It's usually when she becomes angry, flustered, or anxious where she seems to forget words entirely and has a hard time articulating herself, which has led into some dramatic situations when she lashes out more physically.

Overall, she's easygoing, and tries very hard not to let her emotions get in the way of her making decisions, and so often comes off as more pragmatic than anything. She's also pretty accepting of those around her even if she is, in actuality, slow to trust. I guess you could say she's highly manipulative as a defence mechanism. So it's not that she lies to people, per se, but she can come off as liking someone more than she does if only to deflect harm from herself. She is not a people-pleaser, however, and has very defined boundaries in terms of how far she's willing to concede to someone, especially a stranger. She's excellent at reading people (most of the time), acts more confident than she seems, knows a little about a lot of topics, and is always eager to learn more. She can be impulsive and rude without meaning to, and has something of a sarcastic and dry sense of humor that always seems almost prepared in advance whenever she snaps back at someone. Her charisma and wit often seem to leave others with the mistaken impression that she knows what she's doing in any given situation, and thus has often been beset with expectations she's sure she's more often than not fallen short of. Somehow, people just seem to think she's the most competent one in the room because she talks a good talk. Due to her dual upbringing, she is capable of blending in with high society as well as she does low. Silence will generally act within her own best interests or those of her friends, but it doesn't really take much to persuade her to do the right thing.

A good example would be when she and the gang arrive at the druid hold and is asked to help the tieflings. Initially she denies getting involved until mocked by Astarion for "turning her back on the needy", at which point, just to annoy him, agrees to help. (Although, when pressed she admits she mostly did it because she realized they needed some things in the area anyway and helping them could be beneficial to their cause). She can have kind of an impish sense of humor and while she doesn't like to see others get hurt, probably does take more pleasure in watching her enemies die writhing in agony than she'd care to admit.

Random fun fact: Silence is a feral tiefling, and her tail is supposed to be reminiscent of a heraldic unicorn's or lion's tail. She often carries it with a curl or S shape as she has a somewhat chronic fear of it being stepped on or pulled. She also has cat-like eyes (that I've had to mod in, but really wish Larian would include them naturally in the game because why not??? Same with more variations in tails...)

Other fun fact is that Silence has a Secret Power in which she's capable of using her tadpole to influence those around her when she plays a song infused with a particular strong emotion. Unfortunately, she cannot replicate the song later, at least not in the same way or with the same impact as when she played it. This generally acts like an empathic attack on those who can see and hear her, impressing upon them the emotion she's attempting to convey through song which can manifest in the audience's minds as how she imagines it - so a full orchestra if that's what she's hearing in her head. As one can imagine, the situations in which this is actually useful are few and far between, as it would require the proper conditions and emotional preparation for it to be effective, although I like to imagine she has used it a few times on a smaller scale to calm tensions in the group when camping some nights.

Relationships with the other NPCs:

Lae'zel - Admires her strength, but is suspicious of her motivations mostly because she seems more than capable of finding this creche by herself, but instead wants to drag the rest of them along with her. Either she's hiding an altruistic side to her or something else is going on. Silence tolerates Lae'zel's nasty attitude, but also can't help but find her and her people's culture fascinating. She often tries to overlook the Gith's biting tongue in order to inquire more about it. It's a mystery to Silence what Lae'zel truly thinks of her, but it's probably nothing good (even if she seems to get bonus points every time she shows an interest in her people.) About the only time she gets anything resembling a compliment from her is when she agrees with her about the use of their tadpole or if she does something worth being commended for in battle. Otherwise, Lae'zel doesn't seem to be terribly fond of Silence's violin playing as the high-pitched tones seem to bother her.

Gale - Gale and her get along famously, and, next to Wyll, finds him probably one of the easiest to talk to in the group. They both share a great interest in magic and, at times, a similar sense of humor (which is to say she's about as bad at puns as he is). They're both well-travelled and well-educated, and if she doesn't know or understand something magic-related, she's quick to ask Gale for guidance, and enjoys seeing him in his element. Gale seems fond of her wit, open-mindedness, and appreciation and interest she takes in the world around her and those that live in it. She seems to have a genuine interest and appreciation for everyone in the group and admires her dedication to watching their backs, even if it's obvious she doesn't entirely trust any of them. He likes that she seems to know a surprising amount about wizardry despite not being one herself - at least enough to ask advanced questions about things that he might consider to be outside the interest of most bards, as well as the fact that she isn't easily fazed by things that would turn most people's stomachs or make them balk in disbelief. As could be evidenced by her rather extensive anatomy studies on the bodies of their fallen enemies ("It's free art references!")

Admittedly, Silence was a bit shocked and uncomfortable to learn about Gale's history and his need to consume magic artifacts, but as he seems sincere in his efforts to keep it under control, chooses not to worry about it and does what she can to support him, which he greatly appreciates. There's still that little nagging voice in the back of her mind, however, even if he's friendly enough to get her to forget that at times. She has to remind herself on occasion that she doesn't really know him.

Shadowheart - Shadowheart and her also get along very well, even if they're both somewhat guarded around each other still, and Shadowheart, when not in the right mood, can be very difficult to talk to just in general. But, it's Silence who is first to lower her defenses, and speak to the Shar acolyte candidly. Silence finds the two of them have a lot in common in terms of how they approach most situations - pragmatic but always erring to self-preservation or that of the group's. Shadowheart seems to appreciate Silence's amicability, willingness to compromise, and respects that, even though she is friendly, she isn't naive about it. It also helps that Silence doesn't seem to have a problem with her being a worshipper of Shar and respects her desire for privacy even without being prompted. Silence appreciates how much of a team player Shadowheart really is, with her main interests usually centring around maintaining the group and essentially keeping everyone content enough not to turn on one another.

Astarion - Even though she enjoys picking on him from time to time, it's almost always in a way that he can also appreciate. She finds it more fun when the other person is in on the joke as well. This can and does include flirting, but thus far, she's made it pretty clear that she perceives it as simply something to laugh about (even if he might be absolutely serious about it). Unfortunately, at least initially, she also finds Astarion to be one of the hardest to read among the group, and picking on him isn't something she started doing until she knew where his boundaries lay. Up until then, she approached him delicately, allowing him to lead the conversations and learning what she could along the way, which, fortunately, he seems more than happy to do. As a result, he takes her quite a bit longer to translate than the rest, and doesn't feel entirely comfortable around him for a long time to come, really only engaging with him whenever he wishes to engage with her. As a result, the vampire tends to find Silence the most comfortable and trustworthy one of the group even if she seems careful enough not to let him get too close. He's likely the first to notice how little Silence voluntarily shares about herself, often distracting the others with reassurances, compliments, and asking questions she thinks they would enjoy answering.

Despite this he appreciates that she's easygoing and down-to-earth, while still having a good sense of humor and seems to know when to take something seriously, and, while at times seemingly easily impressed with the world around her (like he's one to talk), also seems to accept it for what it is and adapts accordingly.

In actuality, Astarion has about as much trouble reading her as she does him, as he's found it impossible to tell if she's genuine in her compliments and expressing interest in others around her. She certainly seems to have a gift for getting people to trust her. She's good at taking control of conversations and deflecting away from topics she doesn't want to talk about in the least offensive way possible, and he's made the mistake of reading her sincerity as naivety. She intrigues him as almost every time he thinks he has her figured out, she does or says something unexpected, or contrary to what he would assume about her, and he's not even sure if she's doing it on purpose. It's possibly a matter of them being out of step with one another, being of differing natures, even if he gets on better with her than he has anyone else in recent memory (insofar as we know about his story at least).

About the only things that get on his nerves at times is that she's maybe a little too soft, and a little too cautious and prone to overthinking than is good for her, mostly because it ends up involving dragging them into doing something boring or "unproductive" (not to their overall benefit). Never mind that she's encouraged him to wait in camp or go on without them if he has a problem with their decisions. It also bugs him that, even if she sees the merit in using the tadpoles, she's on board with the others that it isn't safe to do so until they know exactly what it is they're dealing with. Rather by accident, it would seem, Astarion finds himself liking her more than he realizes, especially after his condition comes to light and, lo and behold, she's not only okay with it, she wants to know everything about it and how they can use it to their benefit, even if she doesn't seem to be too terribly keen on being fed off of, as long as he can sate himself with bandits and ne'er-do-wells, she's off the hook insofar as she's concerned... for now, and has basically told him that she's his "emergency supply" if circumstances require it.

Despite all this, Silence is still vigilant, and while she trusts him with certain things, doesn't trust him completely, and knows full well the lengths to which his type is willing to go to cover their attempts at taking advantage of a situation.

#haligren's ocs #haligren's art #haligren's oc silence #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 tav #bg3 tav #haligren's fanfiction #baldurs gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 astarion #baldur's gate 3 astarion #bg3 lae'zel #bg3 shadowheart #bg3 gale #bg3 fanart #baldur's gate 3 fanart

[forgottenarias]

ooc || stafford family history i guess?

@forgotteneilionora Kate this is so much rambling nonsense i hope it makes a small bit of sense lol

Stafford Parents Okay but I am LOVING the idea that their parents put a lot of importance in action-- I definitely think it makes a lot of sense for both sisters!!! I am imagining since their mother died so young were actively involved in their father's royal affairs as soon as they were old enough? (especially considering Eilia was the heir which would technically make aria the spare?? which aria DEFINITELY ignored at all cost-- she def would spiral any time she considered that possibility.) i was wondering if perhaps aria, when she was old enough too, took up the mantle of being a patron/etc to these different things/groups/etc around Astaira which had originally been her mother's! i feel like the court/friends/whatever had tons of stories about her mother (because Aria would've been like..2 years old when she died I think?) that she'd heard over the years and she was aspiring to be as good as her mother! i dunno where this would really come from (mostly their dad i guess?) but i think they were trying to push the idea that being a queen/ruling class is about caring for the country and its people and their happiness/safety reflects back on a successful monarchy ruler. (also now wondering if they considered themselves/the queen/king "gods chosen" in the same way roderick does-- it seems like maybe that's not how the old religion would really see them but that's neither here nor there really...)

also knowing that their dad died pretty early on and while they definitely have more memories of HIM that their mother I could see where the whole lot of them have this very idealized versions of both their parents in their mind that is almost impossible to live up to in some way? that might be part of the reason why she (and maybe eilia too?) has this very strange idea that she isn't doing enough to try and fix the situation they're all in thanks to roderick!!

and because this is sort of a stream of consciousness word vomit rambling thing i'm ALSO wondering if even though they had fairly good familial relationships, maybe there was not really a forum to express emotions/concerns/etc within the family unit which is why now Aria/Eilia are in this weird sort of 'i don't want to be a burden/i am a burden/i don't want them to feel like a burden!' cycle because they aren't really that great at expressing their emotions to each other?? the whole like "we have to be strong for each other/our country" and a kind of guilt trip "things could be WAY WORSE" sort of thing

Old Religion/Guardians/Etc so to then pivot to Aria's abilities... i think she has had the ability for as long as she can remember! my idea was She talked a lot about seeing things/creatures/etc as a kid and I image her family probably thought she was just a kid who had imaginary friends, etc… but then as she got older and the stories continued/she could better articulate exactly what she was seeing they were like “ohh okay, that’s not just imagination.” Knowing there’s sort of two paths to follow when one has the ability to see/sense the guardians— being okay with it or kind of going crazy— she was probably kept a bit more secluded for a time so that if she did go the crazy route, she wasn’t out in public raving like a loon. I DO think pretty quickly it was concluded she was not going to lose her mind BUT then her abilities set up another set of concerns— even though the idea of seers wasn’t necessarily treated as a crime in Astaira it still would open her up to being a target from foreign entities (#roderick) along with potentially being seen as promoting the “old religion” despite the fact Astaira had a more open view on people’s religions! so the decision was made that it needed to remain a secret amongst the family (which really wasn’t that hard honestly). also now thinking this all maybe happened not long before their father died so she was kinda struggling with coming to terms with this ability/what it meant while they're all in mourning and her older sister is now the queen! (which obviously meant aria saw her less and while i think aria always knew that was going to happen it was still a shock/hard thing for her to deal with and i think aria tried to step up and be that person for siobhan but never felt like she actually was any good at it!) buuut anyway I think she had to figure out a lot of this guardian business out for herself along with trying to keep it under wraps so again it’s a part of her life she MAYBE put some unnecessary pressure on??

(also on the same note going off all that awesome info regarding witches lizzy posted, i was also thinking that aria never had an powers manifest which could be potential drama in the future for everyone if something happened that WOULD make some power manifest-- especially depending on who that might happen in front of!)

anyway this is, like i said, semi insane sounding rambling about things and i'm always open to changing thoughts on ANY of this but yes... it is here XD

#eilia stafford #siobhan stafford #ooc #kate rambles

[nucifraga]

big day for my thoughts of things other than mike crew.

only listened to his statement 3 times today. as a treat i'm going to ramble on about his cadence; it's one of the reasons i've been able to listen to it *checks notes* at least 30 times in the last week.

it always catches me off-guard, because he makes pauses at places i don't expect him to. normally, when people speak, they pause at joining or connecting words, but mike constantly, throughout his statement, stops at odd places, like:

"exists in my mind... completely detached"

"dreamed that night of... shifting, branching"

they're not indicated in the transcript, because they're too short to really count, but it happens multiple times throughout his statement, like he's struggling for words, having difficulty either recalling or articulating what had happened. i adore either possibility, or both at the same time, because for the former you have his self-admitted "sometimes it's hard to keep track" & for the latter you have the obviously traumatic childhood and his "i'm not usually the sort for speeches".

i think when i first listened to his statement back in 2020, it kind of annoyed? me? because i was so used to mr. j. sims, oxford graduate, and his smooth posh voice, but now that my eyes have been opened it's just part of his charm.

it's got to be something about the dopamine expectation vs. actuality thing; if you know something too well it gets tiring, which is how i get sick of songs when i loop them. but even though i know basically every word of those 14 mins where mike crew speaks, i don't know the way he says it with 100% certainty, so each time i listen i'm treated to several surprises along the way and my brain loves it!!

(also tangentially related -- i always expect him to say 'decade' when he talks about the first 'real' storm in 10 years, because of course 10 years is a decade,, but maybe that's my literature-brain speaking? which is interesting because i'd thought with the amount of book-hunting mike's done he'd be more used to fancier terminology. or maybe he's just more utilitarian in his speech. or i'm just reading too much into a single word choice in a 1.5k+ word statement, which is far more likely)

#only listened 3x today which is an improvement from 5x yest #8x the day before #& 10-15x on sunday #mikecrew #oversharing rambles #im going to listen to it again before bed but-- #mike crew #tma #the magnus archives #thinking of telling my new friend to her face that i'd win in an autism-off (for some reason she isn't sure i have it yet) #ok actually i lied ive just relistened twice while typing this post up lmao #i have so many thoughts about the complexity and dichotomy of mike's emotions when he talks about fear desperation fright

[utterdrip]

right like!! the take that astarion doesn't really care until act 3 or even straight up post-cazador is a little confusing and a really pessimistic read on him tbh. like, what part of "you deserve something real. i want us to be something real," says that he doesn't have feelings for them. it's right there, he's trying to tell them as openly as he can!! dude's been lying nonstop for two centuries and he's struggling so so hard until cazador is dead, but that doesn't mean his feelings are any less real just because he's Going Through It and doesn't have the emotional space left to put it to words.

he's gotta have something going on early act 2 at least, i agree lol. the dialogues you get when choosing between him and another romance before he confesses are marked as "disappointed, trying to hide it" in devnotes even. he's not ready to tell them, but it's still there!

i always saw "i didn't care for you when we first met" as referring to like. early early act 1 lmao. it changes pretty fast just being decent toward him, given how vulnerable he gets about how he's perceived a little while after the vampirism reveal no way mister show no weakness is showing a weakness that quick to someone he doesn't care for a little bit.

idk. sorry for rambling back at you!! thanks for hearing me out afehiebdi i support your agenda fully and i'm looking forward to the comp video!

this is such a good ask smooching u on the forehead

pessimistic is a great way of putting it !!!

AND PLEASE RAMBLE ALL U WANT I LOVE READING ABT HIM AND LEARNING WHAT PPL THINK ESP WHEN IT LINES UP WITH WHAT I FEEL BUT HAVE A HARD TIME ARTICULATING LIKE !!!

its just like. this man has never known tenderness in the past two centuries and even before then he doesnt remember fuck all because of the trauma and torture hed been inflicted so its like

he is truly flying blind here and does not understand intimacy and even just non sexual intimacy and FRIENDSHIP without any sort of. ulterior motives. he is in survival mode from the get go. he is the least trust worthy and least trusting. and STILL. STILL. STILLLLL he falls hard and fast for the player. finds himself having genuine Fun and Joy in conversations with them. is able to joke about being undead/wanting blood/BEING HIMSELF around people who arent even like him but LIKE HIM and will listen to him and have a sort of rapport he has NOT had in centuries. bc cazador and dev notes and the spawn all say that no one likes listening to him when he talks, and now hes surrounded by people that Will Listen to him??? and not for the sake of pleasantries and niceties but ??? because they enjoy him ??

oh he never stood a CHANCE

#frankie answers #pls i love talking about him and this absolute insane dichotomy he has between like #saying batshit jnsane things to get attention versus not knowing what to do with that attention #bg3 spoilers #i love. astarion. so ducking much guys.

[aihoshiino]

Hi there! I recently found your blog and absolutely love your takes on Ai and OnK in general (I desperately cling on anything Ai related, too much of an Ai simp). I was wondering what do you think on the last line of 15 year lie movie "Sorry, I can't love you", do you think Ai genuinely loved Kamiki or tried to very hard? Because in the end they still broke up but we don't actually know why, I sometimes wonder if Ai would've went back together with Kamiki when she finally learns how to truly love someone (that one question about marriage in the Da Vinci interview made me think about KamiAi a lot). I'm still so torn up between hating Kamiki for killing Ai but also, he just looks so good, I can't blame Ai for falling for him…I'm so sorry for rambling lol

Hello anon!! I'm so sorry you had to wait so long for a response on this lol. But uh, this also means that I have more source text to draw on when answering this question so if you think about it, I'm the chessmaster here???

More seriously, I had chatted about this in a previous post before and my speculation there was that while the two of them did form a genuine bond and may have had serious feelings for each other, Ai simply wasn't in the right emotional space at the time to be able to say a sincere 'I love you' to him. This was neither of their faults - the unfortunate reality was that they were both deeply damaged kids trying to find solace in each other and I think even a perfectly healthy kid without Ai's particular hangups probably has some trouble articulating what the fuck love even is at that age, when you're just starting to experience big, scary adult feelings for the first time, all filtered through hormones and big upheavals in your life.

So I do think Ai did her very best to love Kamiki. It's possible that she did genuinely love him but had similar hangups to the ones that prevented her from expressing her feelings to the twins. It wasn't until literally the last seconds of her life that she was able to recognize her feelings as 'love' after all, so I can really easily see Ai expressing "I can't love you" to Kamiki as an apology and an admission of weakness - she can't give him love because she views herself as a person who cannot sincerely love other people without it being a lie, but she can still care for him, uplift and support him. She can essentially 'perform' love by choice even if it's not something she feels she can give him sincerely. Or at least that's my take on things right now, based on what we know about Ai as a person.

I'm not too sure about how that relationship might have changed or evolved in an Ai Lives AU but it's really fascinating to think about… it's hard to speculate too deeply given how little we know about the circumstances of their breakup and Kamiki's feelings about Ai in the time between that and the murder, but I don't know that Ai would have wanted to return to a relationship with him - she seems pretty firm about not wanting to get back with him when the possibility is floated during their call, but that of course takes place before she has that final moment of epiphany regarding love. So who's to say?

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers #ai hoshino #hikaru kamiki

[catboybiologist]

Hi I'm a former high school science teacher and now a doctor. While teaching, I was officially advised to explain that current understanding of gender is that it is complex and that sex is not necessarily the same as gender. I also got told not to mention intersex people outside of explaining that they exist, because tbh 14 year olds need to understand the normal stuff first.

I can also confirm that during medical school I was officially taught that "we refer to patients as male or female because man and woman are complex terms that do not adequately describe our patient population". We also did not use the term intersex at all, we generally referred to either "sex variants" or (in newborns/paediatric patients) we would refer to "disorders of" or "differences of sexual development" (DSDs).

There's not a hard and fast difference between "disorder" of sexual development or "difference", but generally it got called a disorder if it mandated surgical correction (e.g. vaginal agenesis, cloacal exstrophy, severe hypospadias, urethral atresia etc). If you didn't have to operate to prevent irreparable harm, it usually got called a "difference". We try not to recommend operations that aren't biologically necessary, but parents are currently permitted to request them and generally it'll be approved - though if I were the surgeon (which I'm not) I would probably request a different person perform it because I am not comfortable with unnecessary genital surgeries on unconsenting children.

Medicine currently recognises that sex and gender are not synonymous, that correlation is not causation, and that intersex conditions come in a wide variety of forms and functions. We also do not have a clear idea of whether something like hypospadias or imperforate hymen even COUNT as intersex disorders, even if they're definitely DSDs, and it's not very important because "intersex" isn't really a medical term.

Thank you so much for this perspective! I'm really happy, honored, and excited that I got the opinion of a doctor on this stuff.

I do have a couple of poorly articulated, rambly thoughts here, which I hope don't come off as criticizing you, because I'm just trying to build off of what you're saying and possibly get your perspective.

"male" and "female" are still interesting terms to me, and still have some of the same pitfalls as "man" and "woman". This is purely my own opinion, I don't want to falsely represent how scientists and doctors use them, but I personally use them more frequently as adjectives for individual parts of a body. Mostly, I do this to refer to myself. Because... Am I currently male, or female? I have a typical male height, male genitalia, but female physiology, female fat distribution, female hormonal systems, etc. It's hard for people to think of biological sex as dynamic and changing, but if you want to accurately describe me, that's what I am currently.

And yeah, you can totally use male and female to refer to individuals who dominantly have those male or female traits overall. But you have to be ready to get nuanced about it- which is exactly what you're doing here, which I appreciate.

It's also somewhat useful when referring casually to hermaphroditic organisms, although by that point you're probably just using more specific terms. I digress. I'm rambling.

I have a barely-relevant tangent here that I'm gonna put under the cut. There's an interesting parallel here between another linguistic quirk of terminology in genetics.

When a gene varies by a single base pair (eg, one of the As, Ts, Cs, or Gs is something else, or has been deleted or added), it can change the function of the gene. Sometimes, this is called a mutation- which, yes it is. Mutation implies a deviation from the general population, a distinct molecular event that happened which now exists in the gene pool in small numbers.

The trouble lies with assuming what the "default" form of the gene is. When gene A is say, 50% G at a certain location, and 50% T at that spot, it's called a SNP- single nucleotide polymorphism (often pronounced as "snip").

But what's the cutoff? 80-20? 95-5? 99-1? More extreme? What about SNPs

This is purely a linguistic thing, and in scientific contexts, people know what you're talking about based on the context around the words you use.

SNP as a term has p much been around for as long as genetics as a field. Within the field, I don't think anyone cares much, except as a discussion topic to get undergrads interested. However, I do think it's important for scientific communication- mutation has a much different connotation in people's minds than SNP, a term they may have never heard or feel neutrally about. The same can be applied to sex- the way we talk about male/female traits is extremely relevant to public perception. It's very similar to the terminology you're talking about here. And I'm really glad that medicine acknowledges that!!

In general, I think that these linguistic debates can seem trivial to professionals- but it dramatically affects public perception. There's whole other rambles here about how scientists and doctors generally don't know how to talk to non-scientists and non-doctors, but that's a whole other thing.

#trans #biology

[imaginarylungfish]

AUDHD 👏 GOJO 👏

I’m right there with you so, in true AuDHD style, I’m zooming into your inbox to infodump because I’m ALWAYS desperate to scream about this (shout out to @ellionwrites for patiently and compassionately listening to my unpolished rambles about a lot of this stuff in private)!

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about 236 and how it’s Gojo’s “unmasking”. That chapter is really emotional for me because of how well it articulates my personal experience of navigating the world as an autistic person. This post (and especially its tags) from right after it came out says it in a much more concise way, but Gojo’s upset pout breaks my heart because, to me, that's evidence of “no matter how much you try, people will misunderstand you” and damn… that hits a little close to home 🥲

It’s why his death had such a strong impact on me, especially when it felt like half the internet was ignoring the actual words Gojo said to claim “he never cared about that stuff, he was arrogant from the start and you just misread him". In combination with “it was the best ending for a character like Gojo" — right after we find out how deeply lonely he’s been, never able to truly connect with anyone after Geto left? Well, it was mindblowingly meta and, therefore, pretty painful to read.

I wrote an analysis of Gojo’s character in 236 and, even though I wasn’t viewing him through an autistic lens for that particular post, I think my words under the cut still read that way — that’s how baked into his character I think this stuff is! I genuinely think the two pairs of sorcerers sitting with their backs to each other is a visual representation of the double empathy problem. I'm not sure autistic and allistic people can ever arrive at a place where we fully understand each other, but that doesn’t mean autistic people have to carry all the burden and remain isolated. That’s why it’s meaningful that Gege makes it clear that all the characters care about each other, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye.

Glad to see you shouting about this reading of his character, because I haven’t seen many people talking about it. Some people are very hostile to ND headcanons, especially for characters as popular as Gojo, which is why I haven’t really talked about it much myself. However, I feel like any fellow AuDHDers who read my fic must be side-eying me constantly because I don’t think I’m subtle about how I write Gojo’s character at ALL 🤪

Maybe it’s time to be brave and publicly share my 236 AuDHD!Gojo manifesto for the five of us who are standing in a circle screaming about this! Cheering you on and sending lots of love ♥️

Ahhhhh thank you so much for this infodump!!!! I was on a AuDHD!Gojo rampage last night as my brain worm hit right as I should have been going to sleep. But such are things....

Like idk why it didn't truly hit me until now, but I can't unseen Gojo as AuDHD. (It was probably because I re-watched "Everything's Gonna be Okay" with some AuDHD representation and then I started thinking of other AuDHD characters and immediately thought of Gojo.) I did play with the idea a few months back, but it hit me with full force yesterday.

Idk like I get a little annoyed with people who think I or others like Gojo just because "he's hot" because like okay fine yes (but also I think I just have gender envy but that's a whole other can of worms). But also, no no no that's not it! My love for Gojo is more than that! He speaks to me as a character. He's misunderstood. He's seen as something he isn't. In my eyes, he's neurodivergent (and queer). And Geto was the only other person who ever saw him for who he really was.

Gojo's death was really hard on me. I remember exactly where I was when I read that chapter. And then the airport. Fuck. EmOtIOns. At first, I tried understanding Nanami's words. I really did. But really, I just didn't if I'm honest. Those words were a shock to me. Like yeah okay he's selfish (but like aren't all humans?). He also helps though! Isn't that obvious? And at the end? He wanted to have an equal to go all out with in a fight. Again, why was that bad? He was also helping! What's the issue? He's a fallible human. Like you said in your analysis, he contains multitudes. What's wrong with that?

So, like many others, I thought maybe I misread Gojo. But no. Now I think the missing piece was that Gojo is AuDHD and Nanami didn't quite get that. He didn't understand Gojo's actions. (And ahh god that lil pout. Gojo was just living his life and people saw him but they never ~saw~ him.)

I think the visual of the sorcerers back-to-back is a great metaphor for the double empathy problem. I never saw it that way, but I see it now and like it! And I think you're so right with the fact that the characters still respect and support each other even if they don't understand each other fully. I think that's a theme woven throughout the story.

Blahhh I feel like there is so much textual support for AuDHD Gojo. Like him being blindsided by Geto's defection because he didn't see Geto's decline (and don't get me started about Autistic!Geto with his strict black-and-white thinking), him just blabbing about sweets when he meets up with Megumi before fighting one-finger Sukuna at the beginning, the fact he thought revealing Yuuji to his classmates at the exchange event would be funny (cause hey, I thought it would too until it happened and I saw oh hey, it wasn't), etc. Plus, his blindfold. His overall personality. Like, it's such a heavy mask. Now I see that.

I feel like people either love Gojo or they hate him. (I immediately gobbled up your analysis and 100% agree. And I think people's reactions to his death are pretty telling.)

So, thank you for the yummy AuDHD!Gojo content. Please feel free to send me more/link me to things. I feel like I have a million more things to say but my brain is jumping all over the place and I've already spent 40 minutes this morning on this when I should have been getting ready for work. Hehe, whoops.

Gojo is AuDHD. I will die on this hill. Let's keep staring and screaming at each other about this. Sending you good vibes and love as well 🤍

#gojo headcanons #audhd gojo #neurodivergent gojo #autistic gojo #adhd gojo

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #90

I'm not really sure what to write to you about today. I think I might have overextended myself in recent days, and once more I'm finding that my brain feels like soup. The sense of not really belonging in this place is hitting me kinda hard today, I guess. Suppose you would know a lot about what that's like.

Truth is, I struggle often enough with the way I perceive the world around me. I do it weirdly (much like how I do literally everything else... sigh...). I'm not gonna bother to articulate how, though; I doubt you'd be interested anyway. Fact remains that there ain't a whole lot of folks I can talk to about it; even if I could, most wouldn't understand, so why bother. Suppose it is what it is though; no sense in bellyaching. I just wish that it was a thing that could be measured, recorded, corroborated. Something that could be rationalized, explained, made logical. My mind tends to despise uncertainties; it likes everything to be concretized and nailed down.

…Ah well.

Like yesterday, today was busy, and also painful, thanks to Physical Therapy. There's weird stuff going on with the right side of my jaw, and the muscles holding it together needed to be mashed up with metal implements. I guess I'm gonna need braces sooner rather than later, because I really needed braces as a kid, but I didn't get 'em, and now my bite is all messed up, which means now my jaw is all messed up, and having the jaw messed up pulls on the neck, which then pulls on the ribs, and my ribs being weird is why I've been dealing with limited ability to use my right arm for the last almost two years to begin with, but I hesitate to get it fixed because braces cost a LOT of money, and I think most insurances won't cover the cost of it this late in life, so… it's a mess.

My whole existence is kind of a mess in a variety of respects, and… ya know. Sometimes I'm not sure why I bother persisting when all of it seems kind of like a farce; I live in a defective body on a dying planet where everyone is so traumatized that lots of 'em believe that killing each other is the answer to all their problems. Sometimes I just... don't wanna. Waking up in the morning in a world where there is no ethical way to maintain the integrity of my physical vessel seems like a chore.

…But then I remember that there are people who like having me around, even if I can't understand why most of the time. So I gotta believe that something good might come of my derping around on this mossy wet rock hurtling through space, even if I don't yet know what it is.

You ever get the feeling like there's something you're supposed to be doing, but you have no idea what it is, and you're running out of time? Feels like that almost constantly for me. If you know what that's like and know how to deal with it, lemme know, willya? I could use some pointers.

In the meantime… there's some stuff I've been meaning to learn how to do. I'm not gonna tell you what it is just yet, because it would ruin the surprise. But I hope the results will be good, if I can stop being intimidated long enough to get the gumption.

Anyway… Sephiroth. My brain continues to be soup. I think if I keep going, I'm just gonna keep rambling. I'm tired, but… I wanted to write anyway, because you're worth others' effort, even when they're feeling weird. But it's time to stop for today, because I'm having trouble staying on topic and stringing cohesive ideas together.

Please stay safe out there, okay? I don't wanna endure your absence, just like the folks who love me don't wanna endure mine. So let's both keep trying our best to keep our chins up and our eyes on the horizon, okay?

I'll leave you with this today:

I know you're not a little girl, so maybe you can think "little one" instead. Please take the overall message to heart. Please do your best to remain kind and gentle, no matter what tries to come along and break you.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

#sephiroth #ThankYouFFVIIDevs #ThankYouFF7Devs #ThankYouSephiroth #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy vii crisis core #final fantasy 7 crisis core #final fantasy crisis core #ffvii crisis core #ff7 crisis core #crisis core #ff7r #final fantasy vii remake #final fantasy 7 remake #ffvii remake #ff7 remake #final fantasy vii rebirth #final fantasy 7 rebirth #ffvii rebirth #ff7 rebirth #final fantasy 7 ever crisis #ffvii ever crisis #ff7 ever crisis #ffvii first soldier #exhausted ramblings #being alive is weird #wholesome

[fangirlmedstudentblog]

Ok, so now that I've watched the msp our skyy eps and slept on it, my thoughts are finally a bit more than indecipherable sobbing at every tinngun scene lol.

Spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the our skyy 2 my school president episodes yet

Me after just looking at tinngun pics yesterday after the ep ended

But i will say one thing they've done well in these 2 eps is UNDERSTAND how to do a life swap au. It was one of my bigger fears about the our skyy msp episodes. Because life swap/role swap aus are often hard to get right. And I'm happy they understood the assignment 😃

Because i absolutely LOVE how they've swapped the lives of Tinn and Gun and how you can see it's changed so much about them, but yet at the core they're still the same tinn and gun we know and love!

I really appreciate how they've just kept the fact that Tinn is still so much more confident and ready to *go* for something despite the fear of rejection and Gun's still more hesitant, still the same boy who is still afraid of *why* he's so loved. (I have a feeling that his dad isn't alive even in this universe, though I'll be happy if that's wrong)

I've seen meta saying how Gun not having that creative outlet as in the original universe has kinda made him more subdued (he's still bratty). And it's so true.

Also there's something to be said around Gun's willingness to pine away from afar and just be happy in the moments he gets with Tinn that is so *him* but also a little nod to those in real life who are not as bold as the original Tinn. Gun's insecurities are something MANY of us have irl.

Gun always has been the one who's a bit more hesitant and it's always been Tinn who quietly but steadfastly just patiently waits for Gun, has always seen Gun and just aaahhhhhh it's so GOOD the way these two ALWAYS support each other 😭😭

Like how @bengiyo says it in their our skyy ep 2 recap, these eps show just how much of Tinn's trust and confidence in himself and his feelings were critical to the way the og msp unfolded and gave us so many of the moments we squeal about.

Also credit to @lurkingshan and @distant-screaming for their thoughts on this episode who are articulating what i feel much more concisely and without ending up writing a mini essay lmao

With that who talk of Gun and Por in the school bench scene (Never Let me Go school I see ya!) it's such a beautiful talk. The whole sequence is such a nudge to Gun and to those of us who are hesitant in real life to do a particular thing that there's not much use just thinking about what your alternate universe self will do and instead just try to go for it in your *own* universe.

I also loved all the references to aof's past works in the mv and the ost as usual are bangers. (Someone please buy me the ost album 😭)

If I had to say, maybe there's just three things I'd complain a little about these eps:

One, there should have been more i absolutely LOVED it

Two, i would've liked TinnGun to maybe have (1) new scene and a small cheek kiss at least (this is a bit more of a personal thing) maybe at that 1 year point ? I would've liked to see it at that point at least but that hand holding was also excellent 10/10 sobbed a lot

Three, I would've liked a glimpse into the lives of the original universe and how they are doing now (I miss them so much MY BABIES) and if that time skip scene had been for the original universe TinnGun somehow i would've loved it even more

Anyways that's all i have to say about these our skyy eps for msp (for now) and thanks for reading through my ramblings 💜

#tinn x gun #I'll see if i muster up enough courage to write more about these eps #because i have THOUGHTS about how Gun not having that outlet for his feelings via music and Tinn having that #and the decreased pressure on Tinn and the increased pressure on Gun due to their circumstances in this AU have contributed to how they are #my school president #my school president the series #our skyy 2 #our skyy 2 my school president #tinngun #guntinn #fourth nattawat #gemini norawit #geminifourth

[terraco-07]

Fully just intending to ramble here so don't expect an articulate essay. I'm just thinking about Shadowheart right now. Also I'll tag but major spoilers below the cut.

The amount of childhood trauma this girl goes through. Not only is she physically and mentally abused she's raised as someone who is supposed to idealize this way of living. Instead of looking and seeing a person across the room she inherently knows every way she could physically bring them harm and a slew of ways she could possibly figure out how to do it emotionally.

It just makes me go insane a little at the thought of how many times she'd probably dread going to the mirror but also maybe welcome it? The thoughts of hurting people would go away, she wouldn't feel that guilt anymore. Wondering what must have been going on inside her mind during all of that. Growing up in a place where she was encouraged to fight and hurt but disciplined for caring for an animal.

I think the fact that she's gone through all of this and still has this core of her fighting it so hard while you travel with her. The way that she can lean into kindness and caring. Things that are basically sacrilegious to Shar. Idk I'm rotating her around in my head and I can just picture this constant fight and confusion. Talk about someone who's constantly at war with themselves, but never stopping moving forward. She's such a survivor, and I love her for it.

#bg3 #bg3 spoilers #shadowheart #baldurs gate 3 #rambles #gil's thoughts #character deep dive #or deeper #shar

[gffa]

Sorry in advance if this is an incoherent ramble, but I have Thoughts about the Jedi and emotional regulation I want to share with you, if it's okay.

So I have ADHD and pretty strong emotional disregulation that I really, really struggle with. In my late teens/early twenties I was convinced that my emotions, all of them, were inherently destructive and harmful to others because of how intense they are.

My favorite Star Wars character is Anakin and I think you can guess why 😅. I don't really like admitting it but I understand him and relate to him sooo much.

Okay here's the relevant part: I love the Jedi Order's teachings about mindfulness and emotional control. So often I do feel ruled by my emotions! I can so easily see how embracing that leads to the dark side, and I know that staying in the light really is a constant battle against one's own darkness because I've done that! Without the psychic/telekinetic powers, obviously, but honestly it's a good thing I can't accidentally fling objects around the room if I get upset. I've often wished the Jedi Order was real and I could be part of it just so I could learn to better control my emotions.

It's why I just don't get the argument that Jedi "repress" their emotions. Where does that even come from? They have such sensible responses to such stressful situations. And unbridled unregulated emotion is NOT a good thing, as I know far too well. The Sith don't practice "emotional freedom" or whatever those people call it. With my disregulation problems I'm not "free," I'm even more shackled by it. I hate it and I want to control it- which is what the Jedi practice.

Anyway, just wanted to share my point of view on that whole debate. I also just want to say thanks for running this blog! I adore your meta posts and I love your unending Jedi positivity. You're definitely my favorite Star Wars blog. You're so good at articulating analyses that I can see for myself in the text but am terrible at putting into words lol. I'm sorry that your popularity attracts so many people who want to argue with you or be nasty. I hope you know how happy you make us fellow Jedi-supporters. 😊

Hi!  This ask was from before today’s discussion on the Force and emotions (here and here), so it’s good timing to come across it in my drafts again! You and I are in a similar boat--I relate to Anakin the most, too.  And I had a lot of years in my life without a solid grasp on my emotions, where my anger was entirely justifiable, but it was absolute misery and cost me a lot of time and relationships with people.  In the moment, it felt good to lash out with that anger, but I was consumed by it, that’s all I was so much of the time, and it really, really was not good to let my emotions run rampant that way.  So, I understand and I’m sorry that you’ve gone through that and I’m glad you seem like you’re in a better place now. While the Jedi may not be real, thankfully a lot of the same ideas totally are, like Buddhism is real, different kinds of therapy techniques are real, we absolutely can learn to regulate our emotions, even if it’s really hard.  You could probably even do a Google search for “how to learn to regulate my emotions” and find some good starting places! I can’t speak for any part of fandom, especially one I’m not part of, but I suspect that a lot of the “Jedi repress emotions” thing comes from a conflict of how mainstream media almost always supports the idea that emotions fuel powers, that if you tap into your anger or any other intense emotion, you’ll get a major power-up and you can save the day with it.  Think of almost any major display of power in a superhero movie and it’s usually because the character just had an explosion of emotion, right?  Because their control on their temper finally snapped or because they suddenly became tunnel-visioned about who they needed to save.  It’s everywhere. Star Wars, in contrast, says:

But we’re primed to think emotional regulation is suppression.  We’re primed to think that it’s not being true to ourselves, that we’re chaining a part of ourselves up.  We’re primed to think that any kind of sacrifice or concession to the greater society is suppression of the self. So, along come the Jedi who say, “Actually, emotional regulation is good.  Sometimes you do have to sacrifice things to make the world better, but the selfness love for other people is worth it.” we’re primed to think they’re suppressing themselves and living half-lived lives. But that’s not true for the worldbuilding in Star Wars.  Individualism is not king in Star Wars.  Selflness and care for others and the willingness to understand that life is impermanent and we have to let go of things are the core themes. And you’re absolutely right--one of Lucas’ themes in Star Wars is, "Most of my movies are about the fact that you're in that little place, it's the little prison in your brain—the door's open but you can't leave. But all you have to do is walk out and say, 'Hey! I'm gonna do this.'” (Sundance Q&A, 2015) and  “All of my movies are about one thing.  Which is the fact that the only prison you’re in is the prison of your mind.  And if you decide to open the door and get out, you can.  There’s nothing stopping you.“ (American Voices, 2015) The dark side is a prison in your mind, one you’re trapping yourself into.  You’re not free, your emotions are ruling you.  They control you because you can’t stop yourself from screaming or lashing out or destroying things in your rage, you can’t stop from saying hurtful things to the people you care about.  That’s not freedom, that’s being dragged along in the wake of your own unchecked feelings.  It’s a dark pit that you have to decide to climb out of. And the Jedi echo that theme:     "You said we would be trapped."     "Not by the cave you were but by your mind. Lessons, you have learned. Find courage, you did.  Hope, patience. Trust, confidence, and selflessness." --Yoda, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, “The Gathering”

#jedi order #meta

[greenhousethree]

Apologies for gushing but your last fic twenty-two was just so beautiful! I'm wondering how you come up with so many good details in all your fics? I'm working on getting better at imagery and would love hearing more about your process, you just have such way with descriptions!

first off, thank you so so much anon! this made my whole week!

but oof, this one is tough since i'm definitely not an authority on descriptive writing (or any sort of writing, really), and i'm not particularly introspective about the process. and twenty-two more or less fell out of my head in one piece, which doesn't happen very often for me, so i'm working a little backwards here.

so at the risk of sounding incredibly preachy, i've taken a stab at articulating how i tend to think when creating scenes. maybe some of this will be helpful?

for me as a reader, details that tend to stick out are both extremely specific and concise. the specific part comes a little easier for me when writing - picking out little actions and details from everyday life that i don't tend to read about very often - but the language precision takes more work. if a detail requires too many descriptors to convey the full picture, i'll usually revisit and search for more specific words or axe it completely.

i think it's really important to trust our abilities to describe things uniquely! which sometimes means swinging for the fences and missing entirely with an analogy that doesn't work, but i find that so much more interesting than relying on clichés.

i'll add to the choir of advocates for killing your darlings. deep down, you know if something doesn't fit. i keep a "dump now use later" doc as a personal pacifier, because it feels easier to delete an *incredibly clever* bit of wording if i think i can recycle it someday (spoiler: i won't).

i try not to think about this too hard, but syntax is a really helpful tool for flow and for characterizing a narrative voice (she says in full awareness that hermione's inner monologue in her fics sounds a lot like ginny's which sounds a lot like harry's... 😬).

i like to let descriptive verbs do the talking over adverbs an adjectives. again this is based on my preferences as a reader; i find actions to be much more immersive when they can stand alone without modifiers.

a wonderful beta changed my life by ruthlessly trimming the fat from one of my works. this is a little different than cutting out entire ideas that don't fit, more like removing filler from your sentences that dilute the point. i'm not necessarily advocating for a minimalist tone (lord knows we're far from that), but this kind of editing really helps the details pop.

a n y w a y , all of that feels very boiled down to a science, which might go against the point? i think it can be good to consider these things while editing, but i guess the biggest piece of 'advice' i would offer is to try and let your voice and your plot/ideas speak before any of the language mechanics. i usually feel most stuck when i'm too focused on phrasing something that doesn't serve the bigger picture, and zooming out to "what is this scene even doing here" often helps me realize that (ahoy, we've circled back to killing our darlings).

maybe some of that made sense, and if not i apologize, but thank you so much again anon for this humongous bit of flattery and for letting me ramble!

🌱

#sweated my whole way through typing this out #not much to see here kindly keep scrolling #anon ask #answered #writing thoughts #the craft