#and now im like fuck it . they wont even be teenagers anymore bc i cannot stand to write about high school LMAO
Note
I literally want you to answer all the book q list qs. Thx
haide ur a disaster
putting under a read more bc I dont want to clog up ur dashes
1: What book did you last finish? When was that? - I finished 1984 this afternoon!
2: What are you currently reading? - currently reading zodiac unmasked by Robert graysmith
3: What book are you planning to read next? - a confederacy of dunces by john kennedy toole
4: What was the last book you added to your tbr? - the chronicles of Narnia (as a re-read)
5: Which book did you last re-read? - the Christmas mystery by jostein gaarder. I read it every christmas
6: Which book was the last one you really, really loved? - I read the picture of dorian gray last month which I rlly enjoyed
7: What was/were the last book/books you bought? - I bought the whole raven cycle earlier
8: Paperback or hardcover? Why? - paperback bc hardback is rlly unwieldy
9: YA, NA or Adult? Why? - tbh im not overly fussed:/
10: Sci-Fi or fantasy? Why? - fantasy! I think bc I grew up reading harry potter and Narnia and stuff like that im just always gonna have a real love for fantasy stuff
11: Classic or modern? Why? - hmmm I guess classic? but I dont rlly mind
12: Political memoirs or comedic memoirs? - comedic bc I dont understand politics and I like to have fun
13: Name a book with a really bad movie/tv adaption - its not terrible but the first one that comes to mind is the book thief, just bc I love that book sm and the movie didn't quite live up to what I wanted
14: Name a book where the movie/tv adaption actually was better than the original - I cant honestly think of one at the moment
15: What book changed your life? - hmm maybe lord of the rings?
16: If you could bring three books to a deserted island which would you bring and why? - fahrenheit 451 bc its my favourite book, the book thief bc it was my first favourite book, and the statistical probability of love at first sight just bc its sweet and fun and the other books are serious
17: If you owned a bookshop what would you call it? - haven would be cute maybe
18/19: Which character from a book is the most/least like you? - combining these two bc I genuinely cannot think of an answer, ive never really seen a lot of myself in any characters or consciously thought that a character was nothing like me tbh:/
20/21: Best summer/winter read? - also combining these bc I dont change my reading habits based on seasons
22: Pro or anti e-readers? Why? - I dont have anything against them but I dont use them, just bc I prefer physical books
23: Bookdepository or Amazon? - idk what bookdepository is so unfortunately I guess amazon:/
24: Do you prefer to buy books online or in a bookshop? - bookshop all the way! I love bookshops so much!
25: If you could be a character from a book for just one day who would you be and why? (Bonus: any specific day in the story?) - pretty niche and also I cant rmmbr her name but I just spotted the girl who circumnavigated fairyland in a ship of her own making on my shelf and that little girl has a pretty baller life so ill take a day in fairyland please and thank you
26: If you could be a character from a book for their entire life who would you be and why? - no thanks! I feel like that would turn into a massive bummer eventually
27: If you could change one thing about mainstream literature what would you change? (i.e. more diversity, better writing, better plot etc.) - tbh I dont read a lot of modern mainstream books so I dont rlly have an answer to this
28: How many books have you read so far this year? - mmm 11 or 12?
29: How do you sort your shelves? (i.e. by color, author, title etc.) - by author im not a monster
30: Who’s your favorite author? - ray bradbury
31: Who’s your favorite contemporary author? - mmm maybe david levithan?
32: Who’s your favorite fantasy author? - tolkein babyyyy
33: Who’s your favorite Sci-Fi author? - I guess thatll also be Bradbury lol
34: List five OTPs - I would prefer not to I dont rlly have ships anymore
35: Name a book you consider to be terribly underrated - I cant rlly think of anything tbh
36: Name a book you consider to be terribly overrated - lolita suuuuckssss
37: How many books are actually in your bookshelf/shelves right now? - approximately 200, with abt 35-40 in piles on the floor ready to be donated
38: What language do you (most often) read in? - english
39: Name one of your favorite childhood books - just got a sudden vivid memory of the animals of farthing wood which tbh? slapped
40: Name one of your favorite books from your teenage years - ooft uh ill go w the night school series bc I for real fucked w them so much when I was like 15 lmao
41: Do you own a library card? How often do you use it? - I dont think I do
42: Which was the best book you had to read in school? - oh that's gotta be fahrenheit 451 and even though its not technically a book ill put twelfth night up there as well
43: Are you the kind of person who reads several books at once or the kind of person who can only read one book at a time? - I can do either and dont really have a preference
44: Do you like to listen to music when you read? - occasionally, sometimes I find it hard to concentrate w music on but sometimes it doesn't bother me, depends on the mood
45: What is your favorite thing to eat when you read? - something that wont make my fingers greasy lol
46: What is your favorite thing to drink when you read? - I dont normally
47: What do you do to get out of a reading slump? - read a couple of short books just to ease myself back into it
48: Where is your favorite place to read? - my bed, but recently been enjoying the back garden when its sunny
49: When is your favorite time to read? - I like reading at night just before I go to bed
50: Why do you love to read? - it was instilled in me pretty young bc both my parents are big readers and I guess I was kinda shy and awkward when I was a kid (still am actually lol) so it was kind of a shield/escape? also im a fucking nerd
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
Angst ending- Deku focuses all the energy stored in OfA into his fist, including his own life force. He manages to defeat the villain, but not only his arm is ruined forever, but he manages to lift and clench it into a fist as a final gesture of victory, before dropping dead on the ground.
actual picture of me reading this ask:
HHH but,,,i can see this happening and ive actually thought abt smth similar
so im thinkin in the inevitable final battle we’re gonna have of ua vs. all for one and the league of villains, midoriya probably is gonna have to face off shigaraki and all for one all by himself (cause toshinori is not gonna be in any state to fight)(but i refuse to believe hs gonna be dead though nope no no)
maybe bakugou will be there for a couple of seconds but midroiya’s mostly gonna have to deal w it on his own
anyway so the nomus r the biggest problem. theyre strong and have absolutely no qualms abt hurting and killing ppl, and worst of all, they will not stop at anything unless u somehow manage to kill/incapacitate them bc they will Not stop obeying orders
and who gives them orders? shigaraki and all for one
midoriya picks up on this during their fight, so he’s trying as hard as he fuckign can to stop them bc holy shit his friends and teachers and schoolmates are all on the line and he CANNOT afford to mess this up
so as the battle wears on and as midoriya gets more exhausted, he realizes,,,theres only gonna be a couple ways to end this in his favor. and fuck, he’s so scared, he’s not even technically done with high school yet, he hasnt saved nearly enough people, but his friends, they need him to focus now, so-
so he starts building up one for all, but its gonna take time so he needs to figure out how he can distract all for one and shigaraki while he does this
so he talks and dodges attacks mostly bc he can’t attack at all if he wants a build-up of power
this leaves him,,,vulnerable,,,though,,,
shigaraki probs decays some of his chest nd hero suit, but its nothing midoriya can’t ignore for the time being. no, he’s mostly worried abt all for one, and if he’ll figure out what midoriya is doing
all for one does, in fact, figure out what midoriya is doing, bc this is exactly how his brother would act
so he does his power/red-black stabby quirk bs nd midoriya gets stabbed like three times (leg arm and shoulder) but still midoriya is holding on bc he needs their attention to stay on him so they cant give the nomus additional orders, nd also he needs to end this like yesterday
since midoriya is focusing on one for all, he can hear the other users’ voices. some of them are yelling at him, asking him what the hell he’s doing, doesnt he know he’s gonna kill himself?, some of them are shouting out directions for him to dodge and jump and run and anything to help keep him alive, and one voice (all for one’s brother) is telling him how to keep the power buildup so it wont rebound onto midoriya (…at least, not until it’s supposed to)
so midoriya listens, cause he cant really talk back to them to reassure them otherwise, nd he’s just. so exhausted honestly, and also his arm is starting to burn which is frankly the last thing he has time to worry about, but also it means it’s working, just a little longer-
midoriya feels smth click when his life force slides into the deal, nd all for one’s brother is kinda like “hey kid so problem” but midoriya still can’t talk back, and he can see his friends in the distance behind all for one and shiagraki on another part of the battlefield, and they look- they look-
theyre just as exhausted as he is, and theyre surrounded by nomu, and midoriya will not let them get hurt, so-
so he begins to charge, because when his life force connected with one for all’s power, he knew the build-up was ready to be used
all of the previous users are screaming at him for a hot second, before all for one’s brother gives midoriya directions on how and where to hit his brother to be most effective. midoriya ignores how sad and choked up he sounds cause he just doesnt have time-
just like all might, midoriya fakes one hit and parries with another; shigaraki is right next to them, a hand reaching out to disintegrate midoriya’s arm, so he gets caught up in the blast as well.
everything goes white for a moment and midoriya cant really feel anything for a split second.
then the world fades back in, and midoriya’s entire fucking body is burning, gaining intensity the closer you are to his arm. He’s almost certain his arm has been completely blown off, but when he opens his eyes, it’s still there.
horribly mutilated, but there. his hand is still curled into a fist, still punching all for one.
oh. all for one.
midoriya tries not to throw up at the sight.
yeah, he’s not getting back up again. the only problem is, midoriya thinks as he stumbles back a couple steps, he himself is probably not, either.
the force of the blow left him in a crater. he almost wants to cry, because dammit, everything is on fire; he knows that his entire arm and shoulder are broken, and it seems like everything else is not far behind. his nose and mouth are dripping blood, in addition to the flesh wounds on his chest (thanks, shigaraki) and the stab wounds from earlier bleeding like no tomorrow; how is he gonna climb out of here?
still, despite his grievances, midoriya shuffles forward, each step aching as he tries to claw out of the literal hole he’s punched himself into. he cant move the arm he punched with at all; his fist is still clenched.
still, he manages to heave himself up and out of the crater. the battle is at a standstill, is what he finds when he reaches the top.
some people have passed out from the sound, midoriya can see. jirou lies protected by yaomomo and kaminari as she tries to get her bearings again.
others have passed out due to the blast snatching oxygen away from them for a few precious moments. they’ll be fine, though, midoriya can tell; he can see kirishima’s chest rising and falling as he breathes unconsciously.
midoriya raises his gaze, exhuasted, to where his friends were in the distance, seconds before he punched all for one.
he can see shigaraki passed out, having hit the side of an upturned rock too hard, which was there thanks for pixie bob
his friends are okay. theyre stumbing to their feet, looking about, and he catches todoroki’s eye while they do so.
he smiles then, breathes out a sigh of relief – theyre okay – before raising his fist (the one that’s horribly mutilated; it hurts to move, but midoriya doesn’t care).
he starts falling back, then, and he can’t shift his feet to regain his balance.
he falls like a house of cards.
his breath rattles in his chest, and it’s how he knows he’s not long for this world, anymore.
he’s too exhausted to feel panicked, per se, but he- he’s gonna miss his friends so much, he’s gonna miss mom, toshinori-
tears start collecting in his eyes, but he’s too dehydrated to form enough of them that they can fall down his face freely.
he doesnt- fuck, he doesn’t regret doing it, he just-
he’s not going to last long enough for anyone to even get to him, he’s going to die with no goodbyes-
then the voices of the other users fill his head again.
their soft, sorrowful congratulations, reassurances that he did the right thing, and that dying is scary but it doesn’t hurt, and he’s going to be okay, wherever he ends up next.
it does little to ease the fear, but it does do something, so midoriya is thankful nonetheless.
im sorry, all for one’s brother says abruptly.
why?
my fight with my brother should never have ended at the cost of a teenager’s life.
midoriya can’t help but laugh a little then. he coughs up blood for it. if all it took was one life, i’m glad it was mine. i wouldnt want anyone else to fall to him.
and it’s true, midoriya isn’t lying, it’s just. he’s gonna miss his loved ones so much.
he closes his eyes, breathes out of a broken chest one more time. his lungs are too tired to inflate again.
distantly, he can hear his friends calling his name, but he’s just…so tired…
there are soft murmurings from the other one for all users, but midoriya can’t make them out anymore.
all he can really hear is a ringing in his ears, an echoing call of, “Midoriya!” but he cant…
he hasnt done nearly enough. he doesnt feel like he deserves this rest.
but…all for one is gone. surely he can take a few minutes for himself?
yes, that should be fine.
the world falls away.
#fun fact! i cried while writing this#also holy SHIT this got long im so sorry djkfjnkd#i just. have feelings#oh shit#also i learned how to finally add a read more link to go me#anyway im in tears#me: midoriya is my favorite character!#also me: what good is mha angst if midoriya doesnt fucking die in it huh#anyway u have simultaneously fed and hurt me with this ask#im cry#midoriya izuku#c makes a word#answer
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
@flootweed
ATOTS
That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww
i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry.
the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it.
ep 6 LW / LW in gen
gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB.
so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE)
right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets.
just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so
they
will
talk
slowly
because
dramatic
acting
but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.)
also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao.
what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but.
his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they
not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.
WBL
haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :)
ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...
and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.
i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.
however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess.
i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will.
i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.
alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks
LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.
DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!
it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.
pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it?
yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.
i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.
0 notes
Text
i’ve been thinking abt potentially redesigning eithereia which lowkey pains me bc she was the first deity i ever designed for invisible.. but also it is painfully obvious that she was the first one i designed LOL
my style for drawing the deities at first was originally focused on the fact that they appear like silhouettes with no real defined shapes..... but then i realized that then they look 2D, when they’re still supposed to be 3 dimensional shapes..? so i started a new style for them, which is still like primarily silhouette-looking, but with just enough shading to give the hint that they’re 3 dimensional shapes
... the problem with that, is that the deities i’ve drawn with that new style, all have short hair, which really aids in creating that Hint Of 3D...... bc ur actually able to see the shape of their “body”.....
but eithereia..... her hair is so long, that the whole silhouette idea means that u literally cannot see her body so she really does look like an amorphous blob when it’s not even intentional..... and even with my new style for drawing the deities, i don’t think anything can make up for the fact that her hair is just. so long and poofy LMAO
and even then its like.. perhaps i can make her hair more naturally curly but idk how to preserve the iconic curls she already has while translating them to be like, actually 3 dimensional curls? bc her current design literally only works when viewed as 2D face on LMAO
so either i need to find a more realistic curl pattern , somehow, or i should maybe try and see how she’d look with shorter hair, but it’s just so. ;_; bc that was the most fun and iconic thing abt her but it just does not work in an actual three dimensional space and its killing me LOL
#Screams .#anyway i havent thought about invisible since.. last november when i did 'nanowrimo'#BUT ive been listening to saturn + jupiter by sufjan stevens and co a lot this past week and its like OHHH INSPIRATIONNNNNNN#i tnink saturn fits eithereia a lot and jupiter fits aiescence :D#saturn in particular has been inspiring me a lot and its like#perhaps i should finally get around to drawing eithereia's Official Character Card#but then its like waaait the reason i've put it off this long is specifically bc idk how the fuck to draw her in this new style SO YJHGFDS#ive also been thinking a lot abt how like . idk .the story needs major revamps i think#the plot was like.. very much YA-inspired which was fine bc i like . literally Conceived this story when i was Twelve#but as i get older its like eh i dont rlly care for those kinds of stories anymore..?#so lke. how would i even write it LMAO#as its always so funny bc as i get older the more i push jaida and tyler to be older than they were before#and now im like fuck it . they wont even be teenagers anymore bc i cannot stand to write about high school LMAO#but hnestly changing their ages does change A Lot abt the story so IDKK#especially in making the main plot like... less YA.......
0 notes
Text
my first entry
all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness
Im watching queer eye.
SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)
I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old
and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.
what i do know is
I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.
I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)
i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.
My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.
i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.
i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.
I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with.
I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.
i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.
but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life
I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.
I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender.
I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.
i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.
I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.
I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.”
I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.
I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.
I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.
I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me
I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.
I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.
i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.
i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.
i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.
if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds
i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.
i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.
if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.
I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself.
idk what this was but its on the internet
-GE
0 notes
Text
i honestly do not get how one fucking person can just make my emotions stir like crazy this is horrible honestly.
worst of all tho i literally cannot stop thinking of him and even when i fucking ignored him like a bitch i am hes still in my subconcious mind and now hes popping up everywhere and i really like him but honestly im ending up lusting after him but the thing is im so insecure about myself and i feel like that he should find someone better or at leaset i should fix my body. and i feel so guilty for eating pizza like i feel gross tbh. i really like him tho i just cant deny it like the reason why i wanted to distance myself from him in the first place is bc i didnt want to feel hut and i didnt want to stay in love but here i am now. and honestly i think its riduclous the way im acting rn
im about to say something embarassing but whatev its just i literally cannot stop imagining him shirtless and idk im so fucking appalled he likes me cuz im just a fat piece of shit and im dumb too and idont really say anything interesting and hes the person thats cool and everybody likes and im a fucker,
im feeling the absolute weirdest rn. and also i havent told anybody else about our relationship besides vaughn but vaughn doesnt know that we really really are dating but anyways i dont wanna be in an official relationship either but it just feels so much like one. I like him so much i cant stop thinking about him seriously and we also have a long distance relationship too so its weird and honestly im just excited AND scared to see him bc im thinking about what hes gonna react to when he sees me irl and that im a piece of shit and im not really pretty and in fact im deteriorated and hes just really good looknig and im just a fat asian girl who has messy hair and a lot of acne.
my parents are fighting too.. and this is why i dont want a relationship cuz its not practical its just i enjoy his company and i like the feeling of being in love with him its just ik its not practical and perhaps thers a day where we cant make it work anymore and its horrible to think of but still.
my dad is probably going to yell about me about pizza and how that im stupid too ugh
i just love the motions of going through a relationship. i just love having someone there to hug or snuggle with or to just lovee or kiss or touch or whatever its just so fucking addicting. okay seeing him smile is just adorable too i love his grin and how nice his hair is and the fact that he’s trying to be there for me and hes feeling confident about himself too so that makes me glad lmao. I just wish i was doing good too. and like we fell asleep on vid chat lmao and just imagining him next to me or breathing next to me is just so comforting and i have no one else to tell this to so this sucks ass. he always can keep up a conversation too so its all good, id love to just kiss him but the thing is im gross. i just feel like im not pretty enough or that he doesnt like me or that it looks like he should choose someone better for himself and that im just there to fill up a void.
im awkward too and i dont really give him the thrill or excitement of teenage life its just... dull and i dont know i feel like im so unappealing liek that cuz im overly cautious and i dont do crazy shit
i want to step out of my boundaries and speak up for myself, and wear what i want but im just scared that ill sound stupid or i wont look good. i want to have a better body first and i want to gain more knowledge first before i act. i hate how i keep stuff in and never tell anybody cuz its annoying but the moment i tell somebody i already got the answer to my problems.
and i feel like im that person who just loves to pleasure their partner lmao. id kiss him on the neck or someshit or whisper into his ear or just give him so much love id die of it. id hug him too and then let my breasts touch his arm or some shit and i wanna overload him with so much sensory that he’ll feel like bursting with so much love lmao. like i want to look into his eyes and look at his face and just kiss everything because thats how much i appreciate him and kiss his ears and hold his hand and caress his hair and kiss him gently bc that is how much fucking passion and love i have for him and its making me crazy quite honestly. idc if i dont get pleasure i just want him to be the center of attention and its gonna make him feel over confident but w/e i love that.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
