#and obviously the way to ease that financial stress on him is if at least I can cover a portion of my expenses

[tinkerbelle05]

Maybe We’ll Get Through This Part 1

Characters:Jaime Reyes x Pregnant!reader

Genre: Angst

Summary: You find out that you pregnant while Jaime is at college and, you have yet to tell him.

Warnings: alludes to past sexual experiences, talks of pregnancy, adoption, and abortion, talks about financial insecurity, arguing, lying

Special thanks to @scryarchives for their help!!🫶🏿

-

You’ve been counting down the dreaded day since you found out about your pregnancy, the day you told Jaime about it. And about the house. And about the garage closing. And about his father’s heart attack. There was a lot you and his family were keeping from him.

For good reason, of course. Knowing how Jaime is, he’d drop out of college and catchthe next plane to come back home, no matter what anyone said.

And he worked too hard for that to happen or to have unnecessary stress cause him to fail his courses.

At least that's what you said to convince yourself that this was a good idea. But the doubt that laid heavy in your stomach was really convincing you that you were wrong in this decision.

You decided to wear an oversized hoodie even in the sweltering Texas heat. Your bump was growing, and you didn’t want to tell Jaime like this. You wanted to ease him into the news.

You would just have to bring a mini fan, ice cold water, and hope that most places have a working AC unit in them.

All of you huddled into Rudy’s car, and you braced yourself for the long ride. It was at least an hour or so. Maybe you could listen to music to calm yourself down.

Or you could obsessing over how you would break the news to Jaime. It was already nerve wracking telling someone your gonna be a father.

Especially when they are a new grad, especially when you were withholding this information for months, especially when you we’re struggling financially.

God, you should’ve aborted the baby the moment you found out. There was still time to do it, all you had to do was take one little pill. Why did you think this was a good idea? That this was doable?

“Everything will be fine, mija,” Mrs. Reyes attempted to reassure and handed you a tissue.

You gladly took it to wipe your tears and blow your nose, “Thank you, Mrs. Reyes.”

You had to keep your emotions in check if you wanted this to work. I mean if you showed up to the airport with puffy eyes and a snotty nose then you could tell Jaime you just really, really missed him.

Which is a case was true, you had really missed him. You missed hugging him, kissing him, and going on dates. Holding his hand, running your hands through his soft curls.

And didn’t they always say the best lie had some truth to it?

The drive to the airport came and went, everything’s a bit of a blur right now with you focused on how to tell Jaime. Your body’s basically on autopilot and before you knew it, you were in a somewhat crowed airport with good AC.

You felt the nice cool air on your flushed skin and hastily wiped some sweat from your forehead. Now you waited, and there he was. All smiles, with his graduation hat sitting playfully crooked on his head and his carry on trailing behind him.

He hugged Nana first, then Milargo, and Mr. Reyes. You couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of Jaime getting peppered with kisses by Mrs. Reyes. Watching him laugh and squirm under her hold, it was cute.

You imagined doing that with you kid one day. Hearing their laughter and whining out for you to stop because it tickled them too much.

No, no you're getting too far ahead now. Let’s just take this one step at a time.

Then it was your turn.

Even though you lived with the Reyes for a year now and were obviously pregnant, you still felt thoroughly embarrassed and self-conscious about showing too much affection in front of them.

So you gave Jaime a hug and quick kiss on the cheek. He held your hand as you made your way to the car and the taco place for lunch.

“How was the flight?” You asked him softly.

“Well, there was a crying baby for like half of the flight so that was great,” he answered sarcastically. “But yea other than that it was alright.”

Your eye twitched at the word “baby” and you felt yourself spiraling.

Does Jaime even want kids?

Does he want them but not right now?

Would he be happy? Angry, that you withheld this information or angry that your pregnant? Angry at both?

“Your sweating,” Jaime noted you. “That’s a pretty thick sweater, aren’t you burning up in that thing?”

You looked at Jaime then shared a knowing look with his sister, “Well, you know what they say Jaime, beauty’s pain.” You smiled tightly at him.

He did not look convinced in the slightest but he didn’t push it, and two continued your easy going conversation until you got to the taco place.

You all filed into the restaurant, at the table that you always sit at because it’s the only one big enough for everyone.

Your mind wandered to the future, as it always does. Would the kid sit on your lap or Jaime’s? Would they have a preference, or just who was holding them at the time? Or will you have to pull up an extra chair and all squeeze to make room?

You cleared your throat and attempted to clear your mind of those thoughts, but you wanted them to happen. You tried to convince yourself that you didn’t want kids, this kid.

But maybe you did want kids?

Or maybe it was just the hormones.

You were starving, the smell was intoxicating and tempted but the thought of food made you nauseous, and this sweater wasn’t making you feel any better.

The waiter came and everyone ordered food but you.

And of course Jaime noticed, he leaned closer into you and whispered into your ear, “Are you sure your okay?”

You brought out your mini fan just for it to blow the hot air back into your face, you winced at the feeling but you nodded your head anyway.

“Of course I am,” you responded. But you felt terrible and it was getting harder to keep the facade up.

Milagro, as observant her brother, noticed this too and huffed, “Okay, he’s had his tacos let’s tell him now.”

The announcement illicit different reactions: Jaime’s was confusion and everyone one else’s was shock. To be honest, there was really no concrete agreed upon time of when you would all tell Jaime the news. The only thing that was agreed on was that we would prolong it as much as possible.

You guessed Milagro was fed up then. You watched as Milagro unceremoniously dumped everything on Jaime; his father’s stroke, losing the garage, and potentially losing the house.

“Wait, so all of you hid this from me? For…for what? So I could focus on some dumb degree and get us more into debt?!” Jaime astonished.

“No, no, you had to focused on school. You worked too hard to give that all up,” Mr. Reyes explained.

“No, no I could’ve been working. I could’ve saved the shop, I….I could’ve been here for my family.” Jaime said. Then he looks at you, “Do you have anything you wanna tell me too?”

You realized that he was joking when he said that but it felt like a big bright light was under you. You wanted to tell him so badly but how?

You've been agonizing over how to do it for months now. What do you say? How do you say it? Do you ease it in or just blurt it out?

Either way, it was now or never.

You took a deep breath, “Jaime, I'm pregnant.”

-

Part 2

Tags: @marmar-c, @wintersdeadd, @starii-light, @renaimel, @allthingsvicf, @louiesdaydream, @666kpopfan, @shslsimpette, @sodacatz, @niluuuuu, @asvterias, @bluecray0nn, @fhhahaha12, @losingmywayyyy, @alexa-33, @dcnerd98, @xiaryye, @herrescasper,

Taglist & Masterlist & Reqs Info & Anonlist

#jaime reyes x y/n #jaime reyes x reader #jaime reyes x you #jaime reyes fanfic #jaime reyes fic #jaime reyes fanfiction #jaime reyes imagine #blue beetle fanfic #blue beetle fic #blue beetle imagines #blue beetle fanfiction #blue beetle x you #blue beetle x reader #reader insert

[michipeachiii]

Censored cause uh, y’all don’t need to know what clinic I go to lol. 

But I’m upset. So upset I cried in the car lmao. I’m not happy. 

I was on Category A for the last year but because SO is making $400 more a month (because his job is overworking him and running on a skeleton crew, this isn’t a permanent arrangement), suddenly I shoot up all the way to Category C. I was struggling to pay for my own care under Cat A and now I don’t know wtf I’m gonna do. 

My thing is... going off of SO’s income isn’t right? Like even if you take his income it’s not like we don’t have bills to pay. Also just because we live together and he’s my partner it doesn’t automatically make his money my money?? Like yes he supports me but like that doesn’t mean he should be obligated/liable to pay for my care? Like what if he flat out didn’t want to help me pay for care? I still gotta come up with money I don’t have just cause he lives with me??? That’s fucking dumb. 

Anyways my goal was to pay for my own care because I’d like to feel more independent and responsible but this is gonna make it next to impossible. 

#like its mentally taxing to feel practically 100% financially dependent on someone who isn't a parent #SO doesn't mind helping me financially however it does put a strain on our finances because everything is falling on him #I don't have a real way to contribute financially #and obviously the way to ease that financial stress on him is if at least I can cover a portion of my expenses #and maybe my irritation with not being able to pay for myself lies in feeling like a burden #like maybe its not that big of a deal but its distressing for me? #like I really felt on track and now I'm not quite sure where I stand #and then the fact that they charged me double last time for my copay is still upsetting #and it was just an extra expense i wasn't expecting #but the issue is that now because of that extra expense I can't pay extra on my credit card #and i'm so desperate to get rid of my debt #so yeah i'm devastated all around #just a mess

[ofhouseadama]

Spooky season is lored season. I can't help but imagine them waking up cuddled because it's starting to get cold, him making her favourite tea, both of them with cozy sweathers just chilling together on the couch, lorraine maybe sewing Judy's costume for halloween and ed playing something with his guitar, him eating her out when it's softly raining outside...you know, autumn things

yes, absolutely, all of this. I feel like autumn is when their work really starts to pick up -- Judy is back in school so they're less concerned about childcare and needing to be quite so attentive to her, but also colleges are back in session so they're obviously able to get more speaking engagement requests and able to pick up more academic work than in the summer. the veil is the thinnest from late august through the harvest, so they're getting more and more cases thrown at them, up to three or four a week to go check out. more cases means more publicity, which means media engagements, and any financial stress they've felt from the end of the school year to august is definitely eased by October but they are so, so busy and trying to balance their workload with being parents and occasionally they are. so very exhausted.

not that things slow to a halt after Halloween, but September and October are definitely the busiest months of the year for them media and speaking engagement and book signings wise, because of course they are. the money they can make in the 6-8 weeks surrounding Halloween can usually carry them through the holidays, if they're smart -- and they're always smart about it.

No matter how busy they are in the lead up to Halloween, Lorraine always takes the time to make and fit Judy's costume, and they don't take any speaking engagements that would conflict with like, her elementary school Halloween parade or taking her trick or treating. They definitely go to mass for All Saints Day/All Hallows Day/Feast of All Saints the next day and won't book anything for then, either.

Usually the week after is usually a lull maybe just one small engagement or two, close enough to home that they can make it there and back in time to pick up Judy from school. but usually by the second week in November they can stop and take inventory. that week, especially if its cold and rainy, wrapped up in each other at home in front of the fire, talking and working out the household budget and paying quarterly taxes. You know, the really sexy stuff that comes with working for yourselves. I absolutely think Lorraine is an Early Christmas Shopper so she starts scouring catalogs and sales immediately (probably has been since the summer) to buy things for Ed and Judy to buy and squirrel away. (Ed absolutely does not attempt to buy anything for Lorraine before like, Christmas Eve morning in an attempt to keep her from figuring out what he bought her. His inability to lie + her powers does not make for an aptness for surprises.) But once the budget for the rest of the year is sorted, they figure out how many engagements they need to take in November and December, and if it's been a Good Year they plan to take quite a bit of time off around Judy's school vacations and if not... they start figuring out babysitters and how much Lorraine's parents are willing to take Judy in their old age. how many commissions Ed can reasonably take on, or what paintings can be sold easiest.

If it's been a good year -- which by the 70s is more often than not -- they breathe a sigh of relief, send the check off to the department of revenue, and set in to relax together for a minute. Endless cups of coffee and tea, naps in the middle of the way wrapped up in each other, daytime TV or radio on in the background as they talk about one thing or the other, dancing around the idea of going back to bed until it's time for Judy to come home from school. Figuring out what they're doing for Thanksgiving, raking up the fallen leaves, winterizing the house and garden. Keeping each other warm or warming each other back up, when needed. Or "needed."

At least until Father Gordon comes calling with the next case.

#ask #anonymous #otp: i forgot my pills #emily watches the conjuring

[rhysismydaddy]

After Midnight pt. 1 (Feysand)

Synopsis: After a tumultuous, heartbreaking relationship, Feyre Archeron turns to online dating for a break from normalcy. Or rather, to Velaris Nighttime Ventures, the most exclusive, high-dollar escort system around. She needs to ease back in to intimacy, so this seems like the perfect idea. But what happens when her escort turns out to be someone she can’t get out of her head? Someone who seems to understand and appreciate everything about her? 

My many disclaimers: Stole a line in here from The Hating Game. And one from ACOTAR obviously. And the story line is loosely based off of The Kiss Quotient. Basically, I’m a fraud.

__________________________________________________________

~Feyre~

If I told any of my friends I’m about to hire a hooker, they’d laugh themselves silly. 

And, to be honest, the idea is a little ridiculous to me, too. 

I’ve never had a problem getting a date in my life. Brownish blondeish hair, blue-gray eyes, and an athletic build give me slightly above average looks. A lucrative job makes me financially sound and independent. A lifetime with two sisters gave me a sense of humor. 

I’ve dated prom kings, nerds, and everything in between. I’m completely normal. 

Or at least I used to be. 

After everything that happened last year, I don’t know if that’s true anymore. 

My therapist tells me constantly it’s okay that my last relationship changed me. And the multiple degrees on her pretty green wall tell me she knows what she’s talking about and that she’s completely correct. 

Even if... even if it doesn’t feel okay. 

Even if I can hardly stand looking in a mirror or being hugged or someone giving me a compliment. 

Even if I haven’t felt like myself in so long, I don’t even know if I’d recognize it if i did. 

Because while I used to love putting makeup on, choosing a dress, and going out, the thought now fills me with so much dread it makes me nauseous. 

What if I just make the same mistake as last time? 

My sister's told me my whole life to guard my heart, but I always laughed it off and  said she was being cynical. And what do I have to prove it? Trust issues and a standing appointment Dr. Motley. 

Men don’t deserve my trust. At least not right now. 

But... it’s time to move on in the physical sense. 

And since running the risk of taking home the wrong man scares me shitless, I’ll start with someone who can’t reject me, can’t make me feel worthless. 

Someone who won’t develop feelings for me or get attached and demanding. Someone... who won’t mind giving me control. 

A hooker. 

Or escort, like the Velaris Nighttime Ventures website says as I scroll through pages and pages of profiles. 

Gods, this is more stressful than my first gallery opening. 

All the profiles include is a picture, probably-fake name, height, an age, and a simple sentence about them. 

It feels creepily similar to online shopping. And there are so, so many options. How the heck am I going to choose one? 

Scrolling down further, my eyes roam over men of every skin tone, age, and height. I don’t have any real preference, but decide I need to have a few ground rules, otherwise this will take forever. 

Age? I’m twenty-seven and don’t have an interest in being a cougar, so I set the range from twenty-eight to thirty-five. 

Height? At 5′6, I’m not exactly tall, but I’ve always found men who were more attractive, so I shrug and put the minimum at six feet. 

Pressing enter, I watch the website sort, then look at the number of men left. Thirty. Not bad. 

Scrolling through slowly, I realize it’s kind of like a yearbook for an all male college or something.

A college full of really sexy men. 

I pause on a few, but something about them make her keep going. I want the complete opposite of my ex, so any with features like him get eliminated. 

Eventually, I get to the last row, feeling a little dejected. 

But then I see him. 

His eyes seemed to pierce through the screen, and once I see him, I can’t look away. Without another thought, I click on the profile. 

The name under the picture reads Rhysand. No last name, probably for privacy purposes. He’s a few years older than me. And tall--6′3 tall. But that isn’t what draws me closer. It’s the sentence he’d written. 

To the stars that listened -- and the dreams that are answered. 

My fingers ignore the rational part of my brain and click the button to book an appointment, and before I know it, I’m looking at a confirmation page. 

For tonight at midnight. 

Oh gods.

~Rhysand~

After working at the bar for a few hours, I head back to my shitty apartment to get ready for tonight’s appointment. 

Someone has booked me for an “evening of adventure and pleasure” as the confirmation email tells me. 

Wonderful. 

All I know is her name: Feyre. It doesn’t sound like an old-lady name, so there’s that. 

Those are the worst. It feels like fucking someone’s grandmother. Not that I’d know, exactly. And I mean sure, most of my clients are older. But there’s older, and then there’s old. Fine line between the two, let me tell you. 

Most of the people who hire me are in their forties, trapped in miserable marriages, and desperate for a decent lay. They’re also filthy rich, because I’m not cheap in the slightest. 

It’s why I’d agreed to this shit in the first place. 

Yeah, I have to psych myself up and sleep with a random lady, but the pay is killer. And the more money I make, the quicker I can stop. 

So I shower and go through my pre-appointment routine, trying not to think about what’s become of my life. 

There weren’t any special requests on the appointment, but the meet was set for a swanky hotel downtown, so I put on a dark suit and white dress shirt. My hair doesn’t need much work, so I leave, figuring I’ll get there early. 

The drive over’s quick, and soon I’m walking inside and sitting at the bar. She has my picture, but I don’t have a clue what she looks like, so she’ll have to come find me. 

After a few minutes, someone settles next to me, and I turn around with an expectant smile. 

But when I see who it is, I stop. And hating myself more than I thought possible, I tell the woman, “Sorry, I’m waiting for someone.”

Which really fucking sucks, because she’s beautiful as hell. 

Smooth skin, dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and kiss-me lips kind of beautiful. 

She gives me a strange look, then says words I’d never expect from someone like her. “I’m Feyre. I’m the... client.”

The way she cringes on the word tells me it’s her first time doing something like this, and the thought makes me a little too happy. 

I know I should say something to comfort her, but all I can think is... she’s definitely no grandma. 

~Feyre~

He keeps staring at me for a few more moments, then smiles and says, “Sorry. You’re not what I was expecting.”

I nod, then realize I have no idea what to say. Or do. Fuck, this is weird. “Do you want a drink?”

Rhysand shakes his head, then says, “Feel free, though.”

That’s the first good idea I’ve heard all day. After ordering from the bartender, I turn to the man next to me and smile sheepishly. “I don’t really know how this works. It’s my first time with... this.”

“I figured.” He’s turned toward me, one arm braced on the bar. “You can have your drink, and we’ll go upstairs when you’re ready.”

A nervous laugh ebbs out of me, and I blush. “Okay.”

Gods, am I really going through with this? 

I mean sure, he’s hotter than all hell, but he’s a prostitute. 

Would you rather invite a random man home with you? the bitch that lives in my brain asks with a knowing smile. 

I ignore her as a drink’s set in front of me, finding it helps a little. The man next to me just watches, face a mixture of confusion and amusement. 

Somehow, the photo didn’t do him justice. He’s ridiculously attractive, with dark hair, almost violet eyes, and tan skin. There’s a hint of stubble on his strong jaw, surrounding the sensual mouth that’s currently smirking at me. 

I’m definitely attracted to him, but this is still weird. 

“So, why are you doing this?” he asks as I drink. “If you don’t mind.”

I’m sure as hell not telling him the truth, so I say, "I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours.”

Rhysand smiles, and it only makes him more attractive. “Fair point.”

Then he looks me up and down, raises his dark brows, and asks, “Ready?”

Not in the fucking slightest. “Sure.”

By the time we reach the elevator, I’m practically shaking. Telling myself that I can do this--that it’s what I want, for gods sake--doesn’t really help. But I don’t say a word as we glide up, then walk to the room I’ve rented for tonight. 

When we get inside, I avoid looking at the bed as I turn to him. 

Rhysand smoothly takes off his suit jacket, then leans against the wall and crosses his ankles. “You seem nervous.”

He certainly doesn’t. Every move he makes is smooth and easy, like he’s so comfortable in his body he doesn’t ever get nervous or self-conscious. 

Must be nice. 

“I do?” It’s a deflection, and we both know it. 

“You’re shaking like a wet dog.” My nose wrinkles at the analogy, and he grins. “A very cute wet dog.”

I told myself I’d be alright, but now that I’m alone with him, I realize I’ve told absolutely no one where I am tonight. And if things go wrong... I start pacing. “I’m, uh... it’s just... nothing. Let’s do this thing.”

I should write sonnets. 

His lips twitch, but he doesn’t say a word as he walks to sit on the edge of the bed. Feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, I sit next to him. 

“Why don’t we just take things slow?” 

Thank the gods. I nod. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, using manners I definitely hadn’t expected but much appreciate. 

I nod again, trying to keep my hands from shaking. 

Rhysand raises a hand, but I swallow and push down the flare of panic as he cups my jaw and tilts my face to his. Then he leans in--keeping his word and going very slowly--and I brace myself as his lips brush against mine.

My body doesn’t exactly know how to feel when they touch. On the one hand, a very handsome man is kissing me. On the other... a man is kissing me. 

I ignore the second thought and kiss him back. 

His lips are silky soft against mine, slowly urging them open, and then his tongue is in my mouth, caressing mine. Everything’s slow and sensual and practiced. 

And even though it’s a picture-perfect moment, it feels like that scene in the movie where the dumb blonde goes down the dark hallway while the entire theater screams at her to run. 

Oh gods oh gods oh gods. 

My brain’s playing me a repeat of the last year on fast forward, and I press my eyes closed to try and block it out. 

I’m fine. 

Rhysand leans into me, and then I’m on my back with him hovering above me, still kissing me. His surprisingly muscled frame is heavy against me, pressing me down into the soft sheets, and his elbows are by my head.

Nothing’s wrong. 

Everything’s wrong. 

I take a quick moment to remind myself that if this had happened a year ago, I’d probably have wrapped myself around him and let him do whatever he wanted. 

But the past twelve months weren’t just a bad dream. And the band-aid protecting the stupid, naive girl I used to be from the harsh realities of the world has been ripped off and torn to bits. 

And suddenly, I can’t breathe. 

His head snaps up immediately, and violet eyes gaze down at me, full of concern. A weak hand comes up to press against his chest, and he sits up immediately. “Feyre? Are you okay?”

I shake my head and practically roll off the bed onto the floor. It’s completely undignified, but I don’t care. My lungs are on fire, my throat tight with the tears I’m barely holding back. 

I have to get away from him; I have to get some space. 

My back hits the wall, and I curl into myself, pressing my forehead against my knees. 

Breathe, Feyre, breathe. 

The silence in the room is broken only by my gasps, and I focus on the sound, letting it remind me that I’m here, that I made it out. 

I don’t let myself think about the other person in the room. It’s just me, and I’m fine. I made it out. 

There’s scratchy carpet under my legs, a wall behind my back, and more than enough air in the room. 

Eventually, my brain catches up with the obvious, allowing oxygen to fill my chest. I’m gulping down breath after breath until my heart rate finally starts slowing down, and it’s only when my head stops feeling fuzzy do I open my eyes. 

Rhysand sits on the bed, beautiful eyes wide, watching me. 

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. Gods, he’s probably uncomfortable beyond belief. “I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not your fault,” I say, cutting him off and shaking my head. I know I should get off the floor, but my legs feel like jello, and I don’t want to crawl around again. “I, um...”

The words to explain the panic don’t come easy, but he stays silent, giving me time. 

And because I’m a coward who still can’t admit what happened to me, I repeat the words my therapist suggested I try. 

“I have problems with intimacy.” It’s hardly a whisper, but I know he hears it. “And, um... I thought it would be easier with someone like you.” I flinch at my own words and try to make it sound less offensive. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, Feyre. I understand.”

Tears burn the edges of my eyes, but I force them down and steady my voice. “You can go. There’s money on the desk.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not leaving you like this. Unless I’m the reason.”

“No, it’s not you,” I assure him. “You’re great. I just have a hard time relaxing with- I mean around-”

“Men,” he finishes quietly. 

And even though I didn’t tell him, he looks like he can read the words off my face. Rhysand doesn’t say another word, but his eyes are understanding and calm. 

He extends a hand, the silent invitation clear, and for some reason, it makes me smile as I slowly get to my feet, using the wall to support me.

Walking over, he takes my hand in is, and I notice how rough his palms are. Before I can wonder what he does to get such big callouses, he takes my other hand and places them on his shoulders. 

“You’re in control. There are no expectations with me.” The words wash over me, settling in, and my heart slows down a bit. “If you want to kiss and call it a night, we can. It’s up to you.”

For some reason, hearing that he doesn’t care helps. It’s the reason why I chose this, I guess. I’m the client, and I’m in control. 

Finally feeling calm, I slowly run my hands over his shoulders, down his arms. He’s heavily muscled, but it’s smooth and lean, not bulky. From a physical life, not from hours spent in a gym.

I can see the faint lines of tattoos beneath the shirt, but I don’t move to unbutton it. 

His eyes stay on me, and I meet them as my hands drift to his face. The stubble I’d noticed earlier is rough against my fingers as I trace his jaw, then the strong slope of his eyebrows. 

It’s been a year since I touched a man. Longer since I did so this... leisurely. 

My hands find their way into his dark hair, and I smile at how soft it is. His head tilts back a little and his eyes drift close. I don’t know if he’s putting on a show or actually enjoying this, but he seems calm at least. 

And I think... I think this could work. 

Working on my intimacy issues with him could help fix me, maybe even get me ready for a real relationship. 

So I lean in slowly and press my mouth to his. 

Like he said, I’m in control. While earlier had felt like being kissed, this feels like kissing. I move my mouth slowly over his, tracing the curve of his lower lip softly. 

He really is a beautiful man. 

And patient, too. He’s extremely patient while I take my time learning the shape of his mouth, then the angle of his jaw. He stays still, eyes closed, letting me explore. 

I slowly drift back to his mouth, and when he eases his lips open, I meet his tongue with mine. It’s slow and light and just enough to make me want more. 

My breath comes shorter, but it isn’t in panic.

Taking his hands from the bed beside him, I place them on my hips. His fingers flex, but they stay exactly where I put them, even as I wrap my arms around his neck and press a little closer to him. 

We’re still just kissing, but I feel it in my entire body, all the way to my toes. 

I pull back and take a deep breath, not knowing how to put what I want into words without embarrassing myself. Bright violet eyes meet mine as Rhysand runs his tongue across his lower lip. “Just say it.”

How can he read my face so well after just an hour of knowing me? 

“Lean back,” I say, my face warm with a blush. “But don’t turn us over. I can’t... I feel trapped.”

Rhysand just nods, gripping my hips tighter, then lays down with me on top of him. My chest is against his, my legs resting in between his. It’s the closest I’ve been to someone in a long time, and I wait for the panic to set in, but none comes. 

“You okay?”

A small part of me wishes he wouldn’t be so damn understanding and nice. It’s making me feel so incredibly stupid, even as it warms my heart. 

I nod, then put my head down against his chest. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“Why?”

Looking back up, I meet his eyes hesitantly. “You’re probably so weirded out by me. Paying you just to come make out like teenagers.”

He smiles, and it makes some of the nerves untangle. “Silly woman. I could kiss you all night. You have the most delicious mouth.” He leans in and kisses me, as if to prove it, then makes a deep humming sound. 

“That’s absurd,” I mutter, even though I feel a lot less anxious now. 

Rhysand shakes his head, then says, “You taste like fucking candy.” His arms loosely wrap around my waist. “Tilt your head to the side and I’ll prove it.”

I do, and his mouth meets my neck, slowly but in a way that makes it feel like I’m being devoured. Tingles shoot down my body as he sweeps my hair off my neck to get better access, and a soft moan escapes me as he sucks on the spot between my shoulder and neck. 

He pulls away enough to say, “You have a really sexy moan, too.”

My face goes scarlet, and he grins up at me, then we’re kissing again. Gods, the man can kiss. He’s letting me control everything, but it’s obvious he’s good at what he does.

Even though I’m almost delirious with lust--something I haven’t felt in a long, long time--I know this is enough for tonight. I’ve already had one panic attack, and I don’t want to push myself too hard. 

So I pull back and tell him, “You can go. I don’t think... this is good for tonight, I think.”

“I feel like you’re not getting your money’s worth if I leave now,” he says, and if I could’ve sworn I hear a hint of sadness in his tone.

I shrug, not telling him the money for tonight was nothing to worry about. Instead, I just slide off him and stand up, straightening my shirt. “It’s was more than okay. Seriously. Thank you for being so understanding.”

Rhysand rises fluidly and grabs his jacket, then turns to me. Before he can speak, I say, “I actually wanted to talk to you about another appointment.”

After an awkward pause, he says quietly, “I don’t really do... repeats.”

“Oh.” There’s no way to hide the disappointment in my voice. 

I’d thought that I’d be able to work with him slowly. Build on what we did tonight. The thought of having to find a different man and explain why I’m so emotionally stunted... shit. 

What if I freak out again, in front of someone new?

Gods, no wonder he doesn’t want to come back. He’s already had to deal with an hour of my trauma. Who would ever sign up to do it again? I’m damaged goods.

“It’s not you, I promise. I’ve just had a few clients get sort of... attached. So I made a policy to not meet with women more than once.” He sounds nice and apologetic, and it grates my nerves a little. 

Rejection is rejection no matter how you look at it. 

And no matter how fucked up I am, I don’t need anyone’s pity.

But, like a big girl, I smile and nod. “I get it. It’s fine. I’ll find someone else. Your money is on the table.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Find someone else? What do you mean?”

My eyebrows fly up at how shocked he sounds. He just saw firsthand how not okay I am, and he’s surprised? 

“I mean that I’ll find someone else. I have intimacy issues, and I need to work on them. I understand completely that you’re uncomfortable with that, and I’ll find someone who isn’t.”

There’s a flicker in his jaw. “And you’re planning on using the website for this someone?”

“It’s really none of your concern.”

“Feyre, there are some not so great people on there. You shouldn’t use-”

My patience snaps. “You have absolutely no right to lecture me. You don’t want the job, I will find someone else, since it’s such a goddamn burden. Now thank you very much for tonight, but you’re community service is done. You can go.”

There are too many emotions on his face to process them all, but I definitely register shock. 

“I promise it isn’t about you, okay? You’re great. Hell, I’d want to sleep with you even if I wasn’t getting paid. But I have a policy, and-”

“Like I said, I understand. You can go now.”

He runs a hand through his hair. “Don’t use the site to find another guy.”

There’s something about the command in his voice that grabs every last thread I’m hanging by and rips them free. I march over to him and jab a finger into his chest. “Do not tell me what to do. Ever.”

Rhysand eyes narrow, but it isn’t in anger. It’s like he’s looking at a puzzle, and he just figured out the piece he’d thought would fit won’t. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

I remove the finger-gun from his chest, but he doesn’t make any move to leave. Instead, he catches me completely off guard by saying, “I’ll do four more appointments.”

Rolling my eyes comes a little to easy. “Don’t do me any favors. I’m not your goddamn charity case.”

“No, because if you were, you’d probably be a little grateful.” Whatever retort I had planned dies in my throat. “But it’s not pity. I don’t want you getting hurt by some other guy from the site.”

There’s enough genuine concern in his voice for me to believe him. And the last thing I want is to put myself in danger. 

But I still ask if he’s serious, because to be honest, it sounds perfect. 

If I can fix myself in six appointments. 

That’s a pretty big if. 

“Yes, seriously. But I’m going to charge you more, and we can only meet here.”

I shrug because I sure as hell wasn’t about to invite him to my place. And unless he’s planning on charging enough to buy a house, it should be fine. “Okay.”

He glances at me, then down at himself, like he’s suddenly aware he’s still standing here. “Okay.”

And just like that, I’ve hired a hooker. 

____________________________________________________

Part 2 is here because I have no self-control. Let me know in the comments/my box if you want to be tagged :)

@trinitybailey2003 @zukos-simp @cursebreaker29 @sjmships @starrynightsbooks @lovemollywho @januarystears @perseusannabeth @a-bit-of-a-cactus @elriel4life @girl-who-reads-the-books @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @rowanisahunk @superspiritfestival @studyliketate @over300books @justgiu12 @maastrash @aesthetics-11 @bamchickawowow @b00kworm @sleeping-and-books @musicmaam @savemesoon8 @hizqueen4life @maybekindasortaace

#feysand #feyre archeron #feyre #rhysand #feyre x rhys #rhys #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acotar fanfiction #a court of mist and fury #a court of thorns and roses #a court of wings and ruin #a court of frost and starlight

[beneaththesoftcloud]

I haven’t been on here much recently but I have a story I wanna share because maybe it would be helpful to someone? I don’t really know how to summarize; it’s mainly just my thoughts on an interaction I had and mental health.

I recently went with my mom to visit my grandma out of town and everything was going really well until there was a sudden conflict between me and my mom that sent me for 0 to 60 in less than a second and I snapped. Both of them converged on me and I was so upset and I knew that they were going to be mad at me and scold me and that they wouldn’t stop to listen to anything I had to say because that’s just what I’m used to. I’ve lived with my mom and her boyfriend since the end of 2019 for financial reasons and he doesn’t want me there so pretty much everything I do annoys him and causes conflict in the household. I have several sources of stress but that’s been hard to deal with because I can’t really do anything right in that situation. There’s no way to win (by “win,” I mean “find harmony”) if the only acceptable solution for the other party is “get out of my life asap.” But with the job market being what it is, covid, and the crazy housing prices in my city rising even higher, I live there because I have no other option. I know a lot of people are in the same boat as I am and I cope with my issues the best that I can but obviously the stress is always there and it fuels a lot of anxiety. Sometimes it comes to a head like it did when I was visiting my grandma, especially because my mom has this habit of poking people’s sore spots and then brushing off their reactions and it dirves me crazy.

But instead of coming at me from a disciplinary point of view like I was expecting (despite my age, despite the fact that I was able to live independently for several years before the shit hit the fan, this is the angle my family comes at me with because they see me as a child if I live under their roof), my grandma took an uncharacteristic step back. “This isn’t you, you aren’t an angry person like this, your bucket must be really full for you to be acting this way,” she said and she wrapped her arms around me and it made me realize how very long I’d gone without a hug or similar affection. Moreso, for her to stop and consider the reason why I might be acting so upset after such a short exchange rather than writing me off as a bad kid or trying to punish the reaction was mindblowing to me. 

If I get upset, I usually handle it by mentally making a tally of all the tough shit I’m facing right now and I realize, oh, of course I’m stressed, there’s so much on my plate. I take the time to articulate it to myself, even if it’s something small: “No, it’s not the end of the world that mom’s boyfriend tracked grease all over the floor you just mopped. Yes, it feels disrespectful (and sexist) that he always makes messes that you are somehow expected to clean up. These particular footprints will only take a minute or two to clean up, but it makes me feel like he doesn’t value my time or effort. It feels frustrating to feel this lack of respect now when I’m the same person they used to look up to when I taught at a university. I don’t think my job or the dollar amount I bring home should determine the respect I recieve from my family but it seems to impact them a lot; than angers and stresses me.” I can handle emotions and keep them from negativiely impacting others without having to repress things or use the bad coping mechanisms from my childhood by thinking things out this way. But you can’t just think your way out of every problem. If you have a conflict with another person, you have to communicate with them or else there’s no way to fix it. This brings me back around to the main issue: he doesn’t want harmony, he wants to force me out. My mom feels he has more right to be in the house than I do, so she is also a communiticave dead end in this arena more often than not. Her response is to get upset at me for “not getting along.”

Hence, my proverbial bucket is full. It only takes a few drops and then I’m overflowing with all of the pain, indignance, rage, helplessness, etc. and the knowledge that I’m better than this situation I’m stuck in. I see the progress I’ve made toward my goals and I hold onto that to keep me sane. I think, yes, this is a terrible situation and I can’t manicure my emotions and behavior to perfection because that’s impossible, but I want to be the person I want me to be and I’ll try and handle each given situation as that person I want to be. I’m not used to recieving any sympathy for my situation. When my grandma started dishing sympathy out despite my flawed behavior, I didn’t really know what to do. I sort of deflated and tears were falling before I really registered what was going on.

“Here,” she said and she stood right by my side and took my hand, “When you stand like this and you hold someone’s hand, it feels like you’re facing the problem together. If you stand like this,” she moved in front of me and crossed her arms, “this is confrontational. Even sitting across from one another it’s too easy to pit each other against yourselves. But when you’re side by side,” she moved again to my side and took my hand, “you can work things out like this.” She started interviewing me more or less and she didn’t critique anything I felt. She validated my personal struggle, the struggle of my generation, the effort I expend, the disposition I maintain. She didn’t crtique my mom to do any of this and my mom didn’t really jump in for good or bad, she just sort of sat and watched it unfold. There wasn’t really any news; she knew what my problems were and knew it gave me a lot of stress. But she didn’t leave the room, sje sat and listened. And since that trip, she’s tried to initiate a positive interaction with me almost every day over the past week.

And I guess a few things have been hanging around with me. My brother once said to me that you have different people in your life for different reasons when my mom asked him if it was an issue for him that his (kind, sweet) girlfriend has no sense of humor. He said he has me for that, he has friends for that, too, she doesn’t have to be everything for him to love her. Between that interaction and last weekend and just various other things, I just feel that I’ve been given this push along the last few years to allow more people into my life so that I can have different people for different reasons. I’ve always been so isolated and felt I have to do everything on my own. I do think it’s important to have a sense of responsibility for myself, but I think a lot of people feel very pressured to put on thier best face for everyone and only confide in maybe one or two people. If they share things with anyone else, it’s under the pretense of superficial conversation or the guise of a trendy topic. I know I personally tend to avoid sharing vulnerability too openly, too much openess makes it impossible to function day to day. But I also have been very closed off to the point that it doesn’t occur to me to confide even to relatively close family members. 

I think there’s so much talk about how self-reliance is the only important thing for happiness in our society that we don’t even realize how prevelant the message is (you don’t need a significant other to be happy, you just need self love! It doesn’t matter if you come from an abusive family, all you need to do to recover is believe in your own strength). And I think there’s comfort in that message when it’s directly opposed from a “family is everything/ blood is most important/ you’re nothing without your roots” type of a message because so many people do have such difficult family situations and it’s important to know your worth outside of that context. But I think, at least for me, I do need affection from people to feel better. Just little bits in different ways from different people, but it can’t all come from myself and have the same healing effect. The same goes for validation, attention, understanding, play, exchange of ideas, etc. And it’s important to have more than one person because otherwise it becomes easy to fall into the trap of expecting too much from one person or causing someone to feel pressured to always ease your mind, and that’s no good. 

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this but I guess I just feel better. My situation hasn’t changed, it still needs to change before I can really get to a truly healthy and relaxed state, but I feel massively better and I feel like I know how to continue on that path. Forming new relationships is so different in your late twenties than in your late teens and it feels like a weird landscape to navigate, but it’s like a wall that was seperating me from it all has come down. And I feel free instead of naked without that wall.

#i realize this is essitially a kpop blog hello #it's my preferred form of escapism because frankly #you can't be upset 24/7 you have to have something that makes you smile #i just feel like i'm finding balance in my life #like i think you always need something away from your circumstances to focus on #just because it gives you a break #but i feel like i've been having a lot of revelations that have been coming together #just about the most basic human interaction type stuff #but i'm going from knowing these basic things #to actually understanding them and how they fit into my life #and it feels like things are coming together #anyways what my grandma said is right #if you sit side by side with someone and hold their hand it's easier to reconcile #if there's any desire for harmony #that desire rises to the absolute surface and everything else is below #i

[ayatosmlktea]

Your tumblr account is so fucking great!!! Glad that i found it. Can i request an imagine? Levi's s/o got pregnant in teen modern au and levi is having second thoughts and all but he eventually came back to them. Give me your angst and fluffffffff ❤❤ thank u

A/N: thank youuuu! Comments like these make my day ❤️ you guys are amazing and again thanks for being patient with my slow ass

𝑺𝒕𝒂𝒚 ❤️

It was the longest three minutes of her life, Y/N held the stick in her hands her eyes unable to drift away from the tiny display in front of her. In a matter of seconds her life was either going to change forever or things were going to stay the same. Every fibre of her being was hurtling towards panic as the seconds dragged on, the breath she had been holding released in a quick whoosh of air as the word ‘positive’ popped up on the screen.

“Fuck” she whispered feeling a sense of despair crawling into her mind. They were only kids; Y/N sixteen and Levi a year older, just freshly graduated out of high school and working minimum wage jobs that were no means of raising a baby on. Tears drip down her face at the uncertainty of the unknown, she knew her parents were going to be furious, they wren’t the biggest fans of Levi. She knew how hard working he was, constantly scraping by the skin of his teeth to help his mom and balancing their relationship on top of everything.

She bit her lip contemplating her options, as scared as she was at probably one of the biggest moments of her life Y/N knew she wanted to go through with the pregnancy but would wait to hear what he had to say before making a final decision. She loved Levi more than anything in the world and knew that he loved her just as much. Picking up her phone she dials his number without a second thought knowing that the longer she sat on her decision the more prone to backing out of telling him she would be.

“Hey Y/N, what’s up?” The sound of his voice alone was enough to help ease the ever-growing anxiety in her stomach.

“Are you busy? I need to talk to you about something.” Levi immediately knew something was off, not knowing what to think sent a heavy feeling of unease settled into his being.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Kind of, but I’d rather do this in person. Can we meet up?” Tugging at her bottom lip with her teeth she tries to steady her shaky hands to no avail. Levi’s nervousness was fuelling her own, the momentary relief she’d felt quickly squashed by a storm of doubt and second thoughts.

“Yeah I’m on my way home now, you can meet me there.” Hanging up the call she began pacing back and forth. The reality of the situation was almost suffocating, their lives were going to change after today. Y/N couldn’t handle the possibility of him leaving her over something like this. Gathering her things along with the pregnancy test she shoved them into her bag and headed towards Levi’s.

Their phone call had his nerves on edge the entire walk home, whatever she had to tell him couldn’t have been good. Maybe she was thinking about breaking up, Levi knew he could be hard to be around sometimes but Y/N had always been there to reassure him that she loved him. The alert from his phone letting him know she was there almost made him want to vomit, the suspension was becoming too much. Her appearance wasn’t helping calm his racing mind. She was clearly nervous about something, her skin was pale and a thin layer of sweat made her face shiny despite the weather being on the cooler side. Leading her to his bedroom he watched as she sat uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. Something was definitely wrong, she was never this high strung around him.

“Y/N tell me what’s going on, you’re killing me” Levi gulps his mouth feeling suddenly dry as he sits next to her. She meets his gaze hesitantly, something swimming beneath her forced collected exterior. Taking a deep breath she reaches into her bag and shoves something into his hands before turning her body away from his.

“Fuck” the tense situation had Y/N’s emotions all over the place and she couldn’t hold back the laughter at how similar their reactions had been.

“I know…this isn’t something we talked about before and it’s okay if you don’t want -“

“I do” Cutting her off Levi’s words were unwavering. His eyes still fixed to the result on the screen. There were many emotions swirling inside his brain but more than anything he wanted her and now their baby. His whole life had been a series of unfortunate events and Y/N was the one thing that had stayed consistent.

“I’m scared as fuck but I want us to be a family” His expression was so sincere and heartfelt that it brought her to tears again. She had hoped that Levi would say yes but she could never be sure. Pulling her into a hug he presses firm yet tender kisses on her temple silently promising her that he would the best father their baby could ask for.

♡    ♡    ♡ 

It had been a few months since then, Y/N’s baby bump was beginning to show more prominently now. True to his words Levi had been working his ass off, picking up extra shifts at work to save up for their baby. She was also working hard, saving every penny possible and trying to balance taking classes on top of it. Her parents had been less than thrilled at finding out their daughter was expecting a child with someone they considered to be stealing their baby’s youth; but had agreed to allow her to live at home until they were financially stable. It had hurt her that they still didn’t accept Levi but she would take advantage of their generosity until she moved out. Things had been going well between them, albeit Levi was more stressed than ever before but at least he’d had his mother’s support throughout all of it. Y/N began to worry when he started answer her calls with less vigour than she was used to, even on his lowest days her calls always cheered him up.

Lately Levi was closing himself off it seemed. His texts were shorter and less frequent and while Y/N knew that he was exhausted she couldn’t help but worry that he was having second thoughts.

“Are you ignoring me on purpose?” She asked over their nightly phone calls one evening.

“I’m just tired Y/N” he sighed heavily and she knew he wasn’t lying about that but his behaviours were becoming too questionable not to dig deeper.

“Do you still want the baby?” The silence at the other end was deafening and against her will hot tears were rolling down her cheeks.

“I don’t know” he sighed again, his voice sounded strained and it only made her feel worse for placing such a big burden on his shoulders so young.

“Sorry” was all she could manage between silent sobs.

“I’m just…confused” Squeezing her eyes shut she willed herself not to make any noise, not wanting to add to the stress she was already putting him through.

“It’s fine Levi! I’m sorry for bothering you, you should sleep! I’ll talk to you later” Her voice was disgustingly fake and he knew it.

“Y/N wait!” She hung up the phone pretending that she hadn’t heard him. Rolling over onto her side she pulled the blankets over her head and cried herself to sleep.

Levi threw his phone across the bed groaning in frustration, he didn’t know what to think anymore. He was emotionally and physically drained between having to help his mom financially on top of working everyday at two different jobs and having to provide emotional support for Y/N. His body and mind were too exhausted to think coherently. He’d been having doubts for a few weeks now, the growing life inside her belly added to the impeding stress that was going to follow after their baby was born. Levi couldn’t handle it anymore, he felt utterly disappointed in himself for not being strong enough for Y/N but he couldn’t help her if he was struggling this much. Every night before he went to bed and every morning when he woke up he’d pull out a picture of the first ultrasound they had gone to; to be quite honest he didn’t even know how the image in front of him was growing to be a baby. But it reminded him of why he got up everyday. Life had suddenly become more difficult than he had ever imagined at seventeen but Y/N was worth it. Without realizing it Levi had fallen asleep with the picture pressed against his chest.

♡    ♡    ♡ 

The next morning he had woken up feeling more refreshed than he had in months. Levi had only been slightly disappointed when he’d found no messages from Y/N. He could tell that his words had hurt her and knew that he needed to make it up to her. Levi was about to jump into the shower when the smell of bacon hit him like a truck, his stomach grumbled loudly and it wasn’t until then that he realized he hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch yesterday. Curiously he wandered downstairs to find Y/N in the kitchen quietly humming to herself as she prepared breakfast.

“Hey what’s all this?” He asked his arms wrapping around her from behind making her jump in surprise.

“God you scared the shit out of me!” She gasps as his arms tighten their hold on her waist, his head buried into the crook of her neck. Shutting of the stove she turns around to face him, her eyes still slightly puffy from crying the night before.

Levi frowns at her bloodshot eyes, his thumbs coming up to caress her cheeks.

“Were you crying?” Avoiding his gaze she tries not to get emotional again at how affectionate he was being.

“No” she mumbled but Levi knew all her tells and could see she was obviously lying so that he wouldn’t feel bad about the way their call had ended last night.

“Anyway um your mom let me in, I made you breakfast since I know how hard you’ve been working lately and I feel bad I haven’t been able to help you out and it’s my fault that you’re tired all the time-“ Levi’s lips meet hers in a long overdue kiss cutting off her ramblings. Her hands grab at the material of his shirt sighing happily against his mouth.

“It’s not your fault babe and I’m sorry for making you feel like that” His grey eyes shining with only love for the girl in front of him.

“But last night you said that you didn’t want the baby” Her voice was soft, repeating the words out loud hurt just as much as they had last night. Levi would be damned if she felt like she had forced this upon him.

“What I said was stupid, I didn’t mean it. I’ve just been really stressed out and tired from work and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Cupping her face between his hands he draws her in for another kiss.

“I don’t regret this at all Y/N. I love you both so much and I can’t wait to meet our baby” his hand slides down to her stomach. A surge of intense admiration for his girlfriend makes him choke back tears, never in his life had he felt so strongly about anything and it scared the hell out of him but seeing that smile on her face was worth all the pain. Their future was worth it and together they would be able to make it out of anything.

“Come on let’s eat before all your hard work goes to waste” kissing the top of her head all his doubts disappeared. There was nothing that could tear him away from his family.

Masterlist

#attack on titan #aot x reader #attack on titan fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin blog #snk x reader #attack on titan blog #levi ackerman #shingeki no kyojin fanfiction #aot #levi x reader #levi ackerman headcanons #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi ackerman x reader #captain levi ackerman #captain levi x reader #teenage levi #teen levi #teen levi x reader #levi ackerman imagines #captain levi imagines #attack on titan imagines #shingeki no kyojin imagines #levi angst #levi fluff

[badacts]

my birthday present for @lio-zehel!!! little bit of jerejean flirtiness for you 🎉🎉🎉

As far as Jean can tell, there’s nothing about clubbing that Jeremy doesn’t like.

He loves people, and there are always plenty of those. He likes loud music, and dancing. He also likes ordering drinks at the bar, which is just weird, but probably has something to do with the fact that bartenders fall over themselves to serve him.

“Incredible,” Alvarez observes, as once again Jeremy is suddenly at the bar ordering while other people have probably been waiting fifteen minutes. “This isn’t even a gay club.”

“It’s a talent,” Laila replies. “Or maybe it’s the jeans.” She looks at Jean. “Did you pick those out?”

Jean looks back at her. “I’ve tried to throw them out twice now.”

The jeans in question are more holes than fabric, and not in the fashionably distressed way either. Somehow Jeremy is making them work for him anyway. Jean looks away from the matchbook-sized hole in the thigh under Jeremy’s ass for the third time tonight.

“He’s very scandalous. He could have a nipple slip at any moment,” Alvarez observes, like she isn’t wearing a dress so short she had to make Jean pick up her phone when she dropped it earlier. Not that Jean is complaining.

He’s not complaining about Jeremy’s clothes, either. He’s not complaining about anything. That includes the eager eyes Jeremy has on his every move, and the flirting that goes straight over his head.

Now that Jean has seen photos of Jeremy as a teenager, he understands why. Never has the term ‘ugly duckling’ been more applicable, and some of that has stuck with Jeremy even now that he’s more of a swan than a duck.

“Hey!” Jeremy chirps as he slides into the booth, easing their drinks down onto the table. “Wow, it’s busy in here, huh? I thought I did pretty well getting served that quick.”

“The joke’s too easy,” Alvarez laments, and then before Jeremy can ask, “Thanks for the drink. It’s so good to have a rich friend.”

Jeremy grins back at her, attention instantly diverted. “You’re very welcome.”

Growing up Jeremy’s family never really struggled financially, but the concept of having so much cash to throw around has been something Jeremy is still adjusting to. His father recommended a financial advisor, and Jean seconded that, so now he has to listen to everything Jeremy is learning about investment. Being an adult is weird.

Maybe that’s because Jean’s parents were so broke they sold him to pay off their debts, and because he’s going to be balancing his salary with what the Moriyamas take from it for the rest of his life. On the other hand, he figures he has a right to be a little fucked up when it comes to money.

Anyway, Jeremy is still enjoying the first flush of having money to spend at will on things besides furniture, and that includes spending it on his friends. Even if his friends are drinking beer in a fancy LA club.

Jean is at least drinking bourbon and coke, but it’s not exactly a moral high ground he’s standing on.

Jeremy raises his bottle. “A-hem. To Laila’s first victory as Trojan captain!”

They raise their drinks, laughing. Laila says, “I had a good role model, I guess.”

“Oh, I’m blushing,” Jeremy replies, a hand to his forehead. He does look a little pink at the ears, too.

“Don’t give him all the credit,” Alvarez says, elbowing Laila. “What about your incredible defensive line?”

“Oh yeah,” Laila says. “Thanks to Ollie and Han too, I guess.”

“That’s cold,” Alvarez tells her. “Frigid.” She kisses Laila right afterwards, which takes the sting out of the words.

Jeremy is warm and mobile next to Jean, people-watching with wide eyes as he drinks and sways to the music. Jean feels precisely the opposite beside him, covered from throat to foot in black, the drumbeat forced out of his chest when it wants to get caught in there and spread to his body. It won’t last. He’s never as far removed as he would like to be.

Jeremy presses closer to speak into his ear. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Jean replies, letting Jeremy lean against him. Jeremy seems happy with this arrangement, by his smile.

“First away game this week, Jeremy,” Laila says. “You ready?”

“Of course,” Jeremy replies easily. “It’s not like I’m not used to travelling for games.”

“Yeah, but this is the pros,” Alvarez points out. “Also, isn’t the first time the two of you have been apart since like…I actually can’t remember.”

“You make it sound like we’re together every minute of the day,” Jean says, unimpressed.

“Aren’t you?”

“No, and it’ll be fine,” Jeremy says, with finality, like he hadn’t been stressed about leaving Jean alone in their new apartment until Jean put his foot down and told him not to be ridiculous. “Hey, can we dance now? Please?”

Alvarez is instantly diverted. “Obviously.”

She drags Laila out of the booth and straight into the crowd, leaving Jeremy looking at Jean from where he’s standing, halfway between pausing at Jean’s side and disappearing into the crush.

“You should come,” he says.

“I haven’t finished my drink,” Jean tells him lazily, tilting his half-full glass at Jeremy.

Jeremy puts a hand on Jean’s wrist, making the glass tilt back down on the table with a thump that Jean feels but can’t hear. He leans across the booth to Jean’s ear. “Please?”

He smells like his aftershave, and his breath is warm on Jean’s neck. Jean turns his head in so when he speaks his lips move against the arch of Jeremy’s cheekbone. “Maybe later.”

When Jeremy pulls back, he doesn’t look disappointed. Eyes dark, he says, “I’m going to hold you to that,” before he follows the girls to the dancefloor.

Jean takes another sip of his drink, feeling warm in a way that has nothing to do with alcohol. Being removed isn’t a strong point of his.

Their booth is raised and the dancefloor is lower than the rest of the club, so Jean can watch Jeremy’s head as he pushes through to the little bubble Alvarez and Laila have made for them. They welcome him in, bodies moving in time with the music, and the three of them are all decent dancers who throw themselves into the physicality of it. Even the things that should be goofy – Alvarez does some twisted variants of 60s dance moves, for a start – still manage to be hot.

Jean leans back into the seat and takes another mouthful of his drink. Of course, being attractive, the three of them catch attention like honey. Someone takes Laila’s hand and spins her away and then back into Alvarez, laughing. Someone curves their hands around Alvarez’s hips and is sent packing by the look she gives them. Someone shifts into the space at Jeremy’s back and, smiling, he lets them dance with him for a moment until his attention turns back to the other two.

Jean’s foot is tapping. They’re playing some kind of fast-paced remix of a song off the radio, and it’s doubly infectious.

Someone else moves in, caught in Jeremy’s orbit, and falls into his rhythm. Jeremy welcomes them to within touching distance but no closer, a tease that he definitely doesn’t mean as he matches them. Head thrown back and arms raised over his head, he’s all smooth skin and muscle and kinetic technicolour lights, impossible.

He’s welcoming but untouchable at the same time. Jean, who has touched him plenty, wants to make a lie of that impression using his hands on Jeremy’s sides where they’re exposed by his vest.

Jeremy turns then, Alvarez behind him as they dance together back-to-chest, and catches Jean’s eye. His absent smile turns into something intent. He’s not perfect at Jean’s brand of lazily predatory, but he does a decent attempt.

Jean’s glass is empty. He goes.

#the foxhole court #jerejean #poetry in your body #thick skin an elastic heart #my fic #lio #HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIO EVEN THO IT'S LATE #YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY

[churchventurenorthwest]

Leadership in Anxious Times

Dear CBNorthwest family! I do hope you’re doing well and surviving the isolation that our COVID-19 pandemic has created. It’s a season of anxiety, that’s for sure. Anxiety is the perfect word of our age. Anxiety is defined as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”

The number one synonym for anxiety is the word worry. What does the word worry mean? Interestingly, the word in ancient English means “to choke or to strangle.” So, when you worry, the meaning of the English word is that something has you by your emotional throat and is choking the life out of you. Whenever you are filled with anxiety and worry, you are paralyzed and feel helpless—because something has you by the throat and is choking or strangling you.

Let me share with you a simple thought that I learned years ago about “Living Life with a Non-Anxious Presence.”

In Mark 4:35-38, we read these words, “As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.’ So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water.

“Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, ‘Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?’” Mark 4:35-38 (NLT)

“Jesus, don’t you care?” can also be translated for us as, “Jesus, why aren’t you worried?”

With the coronavirus raging all around us, we indeed are in a fierce storm today. For some of us, the high waves of anxiety and worry are breaking into our boat, and we feel like they are beginning to fill with water.

The first question I always ask when I read this story is, “How could Jesus sleep at a time like that?” Well, obviously, he must have been exhausted. When you look at the ministry of Jesus, you find that for three years, he cared for the least, the last, and the lost when all around him people were pressing in for more. There was always a crushing crowd around Jesus. He spent time healing people, teaching people, feeding people, and ministering to people. Jesus knew pressure. Jesus knew stress. People pulled at him everywhere he went. The crowds demanded sermons. Individuals begged for healing. The disciples wanted leadership. Friends wanted time with him. The religious rulers wanted answers. There was an entire world to save with such limited time, and yet he found time to sleep in the boat—even though the storm was raging. Jesus exemplified a non-anxious presence.

When I’ve worked with churches that are experiencing some sort of chaos (e.g., a financial hardship, a leadership crash, or a significant death), there is always a correlation between the leadership’s response and the people’s response. If the leader is running around like a chicken with its head cut off, then the people are reacting in kind. But, if the leader is cool, calm, and collected, then the people show far less anxiety.

Anxiety can be infectious, and a leader will telegraph their feelings. In today’s pandemic world, you can’t be anxious and think you can lead others to peace. Anxious people create more anxious people!

Living without any anxiety is humanly impossible, of course. There is always a bit of stress in our lives, and it’s a natural response to being alive. That being said, it is possible to live life with a “non-anxious presence” and truly live in such a way as to lead others from chaos to calm.

In fact, leaders who can best live out and demonstrate a “non-anxious presence” will be able to lead others to this place far easier than those who panic at every pressure. People feel confident and at ease when they know their leader is unruffled by adverse circumstances.

Let’s go back to the story of Jesus asleep in the boat. Amid this raging storm, Jesus was sound asleep on a cushion in the back of the boat, but when he woke up and calmed the storm, everything changed. At first glance, Jesus’ power nap in the back of the boat was probably not a comforting experience for the disciples. In fact, the disciples’ questioning whether or not he even cared for them is a good indicator of how they initially interpreted their anxiety in this moment.

Dear friends, regardless of where you live, work, and play, chances are good that someone around you is currently in the middle of a storm. Maybe their storm is about to capsize their marriage…maybe their storm is brewing around the lives of their children…maybe the winds of their storm threaten their health…one thing is true: There are people all around you who aren’t sure if they are going to make it through the storm they are now facing. I wonder how God might be positioning you as a person of peace in the midst of someone’s raging storm.

As followers of Jesus, it is up to us to set the temperature of our anxious culture and not allow the pandemic all around us determine our level of peace. These are undoubtedly anxious times, but if we live with a non-anxious presence, we will be able to bring a calm into even the most pressing situation—and we will shine like stars in a dark universe because of the peace of Christ passing all human understanding. Talk about a Gospel witness! Your presence will either wind up the worry or calm the chaos of every room we enter into this week.

P.S. The book that introduced me to the idea of a “non-anxious presence” was Peter Steinke’s Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times: Being Calm and Courageous No Matter What

Grace and peace,

James Gleason

#cbnw #cb northwest #Churches of CB Northwest #james gleason #leadership

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 23

I’ll never forgive myself for what I put this version of Dan through lol

Tags for chapter: angst with your fav duo, some fluff

Words for chapter: ~4.1 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<-- Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

"Did any of the stations get back to you yet?"

"No," Phil sighed, his hand still absentmindedly running through Dan's curls, "but it's been a little bit less than a week, so I'm not really surprised. I had just thought that with all of my good recommendations that they would maybe fast-track me or something." Phil let his voice trail off, and Dan didn't try and press the issue. He could tell from Phil's voice that he wasn't upset, and Dan also agreed with him about how it wasn't out of the ordinary for a week or two to pass by without a reply from a potential employer.

Dan was just happy that he wasn't losing Phil to another city quite yet.

"How was work? You smell a lot more like coffee than usual, so I'm gonna guess that you worked a double?" Phil asked, his voice right in Dan's ear.

They were on Phil's couch, their long bodies stretched over the entirety of it. Dan's back was pressed to Phil's chest, Phil's chin resting on Dan's shoulder, and his arms looped loosely around Dan's waist under their blanket. The television was on, but neither of them were really paying it much attention.

Dan had come straight over after work, and Phil had spoiled him with take-out hot and already on the table by the time Dan arrived. It was a gesture that Dan appreciated greatly, especially after how tired and hungry he was after his double shift. After they had finished with the food they had naturally curled up together on the couch, Phil telling Dan all about his last day at the weather station.

"Yeah, one of the school kids got sick and couldn't come in. With Jaime pretty much not working at the coffee shop anymore I've been having to pick up all of the extra stuff. I guess that normally things would be split between me and Steve, but all he has to do is bat his eyes and his uncle will give him a shift off." Dan rolled his eyes. "It's okay though, the coffee shop is never too busy, so it's not like I'm running myself ragged."

"Good. You shouldn't have to be working that much though."

Dan shrugged. "It's not too bad. If anything, I'm making more money than I ever was before. I made enough so far this week already that I got to leave the cafe to eat during my break."

"Wow," Phil said, smiling, "you're really making big bucks, huh?"

"Oh shut it," Dan laughed, nudging Phil with his shoulder, "let me have my small victories."

"Hmm, I'll think about it. No promises. Speaking about the coffee shop though, how's Jaime doing? I haven't really talked to her in awhile."

Dan's happy smile at their banter wilted a little. And even though Phil couldn't see his face to tell, Phil couldn't miss the small but instant changes in Dan's body language.

"No, I haven't really talked to her," Dan said, the words feeling wrong in his mouth, "I'm sure she's fine though," he added quickly. Phil frowned.

"When was the last time you talked to her?"

Dan winced, not even having to calculate it; he knew it from the top of his head.  

"A few days for texting, and it's been over a week since we've called each other."

Phil shifted on the couch so he could see Dan's face properly. Phil's eyes were wide with surprise and concern.

"Are you two okay? Did you guys have a fight?"

"What? No, we didn't. We never fight."

"Then what's going on, Dan? I don't want to like, I don't know, impose, but you guys always talk, at least once a day even if it's just a five minute conversation over text. And it's been that way since what...since you guys became friends?"

Dan's mouth deepened into a larger frown.

"Yeah. We just aren't talking, that's all. I don't need to talk to her, you know." Dan muttered, part of him bristling in defense to the change of topic.

The thing was, Dan did need to talk to Jaime. It was a constant, insatiable urge to be around her and listen to her voice, to welcome her casual touches and let her in his space. Their relationship was one that went deeper than most, and after knowing Jaime for years at this point, her importance to him had only grown. And now, Dan would easily describe her as a need, not a want. And their relationship worked perfectly because Jaime felt the same way.

Or at least, Dan had thought that she had felt the same way.

No, that wasn't it. She had been on the same page as him for so long, maybe she had just discovered that she didn't need to depend on him as much as before.

And Dan could go a few days without talking to her. Hell, he could not see or talk to Jaime for over a year, and then if reunited Dan had a strong feeling that they would pop right back into place as if nothing had ever happened because their relationship didn't depend on constant communication. Their bond with each other was deeper than that.

Was he sad that he hadn't been talking to Jaime? Yeah. Of course. But what really had him staring at his ceiling at night was the nature of this radio silence.

There had been no warning, no "hey, I'm going to be really busy, I'm not going to be able to talk" and they certainly hadn't had a falling out. Sure, responses from the both of them had been slower than normal ever since Jaime had been in London, but it had never been like this.

Dan found himself sometimes wondering if it was something that he had done to push Jaime away, or if she had started to realize that she was better off without him.

That's not the case, damnit, Dan thought, admonishing himself, you know damn well that Jaime loves the hell out of you.  

Dan finally became aware of the skeptical look that Phil was giving him in response to his "I don't need to talk to Jaime" statement. Dan rolled his eyes and tried to shrug it off, feeling too vulnerable for his comfort zone when talking about his for-once-questionable stance in Jaime's life.

"I don't. I can function without my best friend for a few days, thank you very much."

Except our last conversation—if you could call it that—was her responding to me asking how she was doing three days after I had sent it, and she had completely shut down any attempt I made to get her to talk to me. So maybe you're right, Phil. Maybe she fucking hates me and this is her easing me out of her life.

Besides.

I can't bloody function without her.

"I think we both know that neither of you can function without the other, so I'm going to consider your point mute." Phil said, a slightly playful edge to his smile. "But to be serious, if you two aren't talking then something is obviously up."

"Well, it's not like she's coming to me about it," Dan bit back, none of the bitterness directed towards Phil and all of it at the situation.

"Why don't you talk to her then?"

"Phil, I don't think you get how avoiding people works."

"Are you avoiding her?"

"No," Dan said immediately, the idea of him avoiding Jaime leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

"Then I don't see what the problem is."

"Phil," Dan sighed, "I think that she just doesn't want to talk to me right now. I don't really know why, and I hope it's not because of something I did, but she just doesn't want to talk. She's got a lot on her plate right now and I'm sure she's really busy and super tired. Me trying to butt in probably won't help things."

It was Phil's turn to roll his eyes.

"You aren't butting in, and you've been telling me that she's been busy and tired for how long now? I'm not saying that it's not true or anything, but Dan you at least deserve a little heads up when she's going to be MIA. It's unlike her to act like this anyways."

"It's like I said, she's probably just stressed. It happens."

"Dan, you two literally tell each other everything. She Facetimed you in the shower to show you that mohawk she made with half a bottle of shampoo and her hair. When we found that crescent moon shaped birthmark on your leg the first thing you did was send her a picture. You two literally could not be closer if you tried, so I'm for sure calling b.s. on this one. Text. Her."

Dan smiled at the memory, but the faint grip of rising anxiety started to take it's hold of him.

"I don't want to bother her."

"You won't be."

"How do you know?" Dan asked. There was an unasked emotion hidden in his words, and Phil obviously picked up on it because his gaze softened.

"Jaime is just as attached to you as you are to her. I'm sure that she's feeling the same thing as you right now, and I can be sure because I've known you guys for less than six months and you two are closer than anyone else I know. She loves you so much, Dan, and you're important to her too. And you're much more important than whatever stress she's feeling right now."

Dan chewed at his lip, pondering the words Phil spoke. Phil meanwhile pushed Dan's phone into his idle hands, a meaningful look in his eye.

"Come on, one text. Tell her that you miss her, hope she's doing okay, and that you wanted to catch up with her soon whenever she gets the chance."

"Dan tapped his finger on the case of the phone, mulling it over.

One text can't hurt that much…

"Okay."

Phil beamed, and he settled back on the couch, pulling Dan back into his original position. This time though Phil's body was cocooning Dan's more, and Dan was sure that it was Phil's way of showing silent support.

"My eyes are closed, and I promise I won't look. Let me know if you want me to though."

Dan opened his phone and nodded, knowing that Phil would feel the motion. He pulled up his chat with Jaime and his fingers hovered over the keys.

One text won't hurt.

Dan typed out a message before the doubts could try and stop him and pressed send without thinking about it.

To: my maraschino cherry hey jaime, im just texting to lyk that i  miss you and hope youre doing okay! we havent talked in a while, and i was wondering if you wanted to catch up when you get the chance?

<3

Dan made sure to take his phone off of vibrate and turn up the volume of his ringtone so he wouldn't miss when Jaime texted back. He locked his phone and leaned to his side to deposit it onto the coffee table.

Phil's eyes were still closed, and the sight made Dan smile.

"You can open them now."

Phil cracked open an eyelid, his gaze falling on the dejected phone before moving back to Dan, a question in his eyes.

"Yes, I texted her," Dan said, "I didn't chicken out."

Phil smiled, giving Dan a fond kiss on the cheek with a grin. "I knew you wouldn't. Just wait, you guys will get back into the swing of things, I just know it."

The corners of Dan's lips moved involuntarily at Phil's little remark, and he settled back against Phil's chest. Now that he had done it, Dan was glad that Phil had talked him into texting her, and the thought of Jaime seeing Dan's text and them patching up this weird phase was relieving. Dan's eyes drifted to the cell phone, willing it to ring even though he had just sent it.

Even Jaime doesn't text back that fast. Give it another minute or two, she'll text back.

But Jaime never did. Dan ended up staying for a few more hours, and even once he had found himself back in his own flat and in bed, he had stayed wide awake and restless. Dan couldn't stop tossing and turning, and his quest to get comfortable enough was in vain. It was early in the morning when Dan managed to fall into an unfulfilling, light sleep.

But no matter how many twitter notifications that sent Dan hurtling for his phone, none of them were from Jaime.

~~~~~

When Dan's phone vibrates he's sprawled out on his couch, a jumbo bag of M&Ms in his hands and a Netflix original on his television. His eyes were glazed over with exhaustion from yet another double shift. On his phone was a reminder to call his boss to talk about how ridiculous all of this extra work was, and how they needed to hire someone else, but that reminder had been collecting digital dust for over a week at this point.

Dan shook out a handful of M&Ms into his palm and then poured them into his mouth. He shifted the bag into his right hand and used his left to fish his phone out from his pocket.

Dan turned on the screen to check the notification and coughed so violently he started to choke.

Tears sprung from the corners of his eyes from how hard he was coughing, but Dan could care less. He was furiously trying to pull up his new text from Jaime, but his fingers were clumsy and slow when compared to his fluttering heartbeat.

Finally getting his breathing back under control, Dan read over the short text.

From: my maraschino cherry can we talk?

Dan read it once, twice, three times, four.

It had been six days since Dan had sent that text to Jaime back in Phil's flat, and Jaime hadn't so much as tweeted.

Confused, anxious at the hidden meanings, yet also elated at having Jaime's attention, Dan typed out a reply as fast as he could.

Part of him was fearful that if he waited too long she would disappear once more.

To: my maraschino cherry yeah totally

From: my maraschino cherry cool. is it okay if i call?

To: my maraschino cherry yeah

He was surprised at the quick responses after being treated with radio silence for so long, but he didn't have time to dwell on it because milliseconds later Dan's phone was ringing, loudly announcing that he had a call from Jaime.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dan."

Jaime sounded exhausted, but she didn't sound angry or upset like Dan's anxiety had imagined she would. If anything, she sounded almost...detached?

"Is everything okay?

"Yeah, everything's fine. How are you doing?"

She was obviously trying to direct the conversation away from her, but Dan didn't press it.

"Good and bad I guess. Mentally things really are going well because of therapy—which is something that I can't thank you enough for convincing me to do. Work's been a bitch without you though. I've had to do more shifts with Steve then I think I've ever had to in my life, and I've been taking a lot of doubles to cover your times. So like, I'm tired a lot because I'm actually doing things with my time, but I've been making a hell of a lot of money, so it's not all a complete shitshow."

"God, I bet work really has been hellish. Sorry for leaving you to deal with it by yourself, I really had thought that I would have been spending more time in Manchester."

"Don't worry about it, Jaime. You can pay me back with a bunch of signatures for me to sell on ebay when you become a famous actress."

Dan heard Jaime snort, and the small sound made him smile wildly.

"Yeah, sure. How's things between you and Phil?"

"Hmm, really good, but also...kind of weird?"

"Spill."

"I finally took your advice and talked to him about lying to me. It turns out that he got so withdrawn because he was trying to hide the fact that his weather station was going bankrupt and that he was going to lose his job. He didn't tell me because none of the other stations around here would hire him, and he'd have to leave Manchester to continue being a meteorologist. And I mean, that means that he would have to move, and we would turn into a long-distance relationship. Which is fine, I'm totally willing to do it. He just wasn't sure what to do and didn't want to get me stressed over it."

Dan held the phone to his ear with his shoulder so he could use both of his hands to close the bag of M&Ms.

"I understand why he didn't tell me, and we worked past it. He applied to a few stations across England, and we're waiting to hear back from them all. I don't want him to give up on his dreams and passion for meteorology because of me, but I'm just bummed I guess? And kind of anxious too. It's going to be weird not having him here, and trying to manage a long-distance relationship is definitely going to be a learning curve. But I'm willing to. I want to. I don't want to lose him."

He stood up from the couch and started walking to the kitchen to find a rubber band to keep the M&M bag closed.

"So I mean, that's kind of been putting a damper on my mood recently, but we're trying to move past it and ignore it at the same time. And we've been spending a ton of time with each other while he's still here, making the most of our time together and all that. Having to travel all the time to see him is going to suck." Dan wrapped the rubber band around the bag and tossed the candy onto the counter. "We've been going on a lot of dates recently, and it's been really nice to spend so much time with him. Oh! It was also his birthday recently. Like, two weeks ago? Somewhere around there. We went to this cool pizza place where we got to make our own pizzas, and Jaime, god, you would love this place. When you come back to Manchester I've got to take you for lunch or something." Dan flopped back on the couch. "Jaime? You still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"Good," Dan said, laughing, "I just haven't heard you this quiet in a long time."

"I have my moments. Besides, I like hearing your voice. I miss it."

The unspoken I miss you hung heavy, and it dragged the corners of Dan's mouth down. He couldn't remember a time when he had heard Jaime sound so melancholy and sullen.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. What else is new?"

"Jaime, I know you-"

"Just talk to me, Dan. Please?"

And even though Dan was concerned for his best friend, he relented. Dan talked more about how Phil moving was making Dan feel, and he explained a few of the other dates he and Phil had been on. Dan explained how Jaime didn't have to worry about Mary and that she was fine. He told her all about the little things that she had missed being in London, from Dan's new shows he was watching on Netflix to how the color in Dan's hair was this close to being completely gone.

"And wait, David and I-"

"Who's David?" Jaime asked, breaking her silence.

"I didn't tell you about him yet? I met him at the shop. He had stopped in for a smoothie, and I stopped him because he was wearing an ace ring. We were so surprised to find someone else like us! He gave me his number and we're really good friends, or at least I'd like to think so. Anyways, we went to the movies the other day, and I spilled an entire soda all over my pants in the middle of the movie. Jaime, let me tell you, it was probably one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life." Dan said, laughing at the memory. When he heard nothing on the other side of the line, he could feel his eyebrows drawing together. "Jaime? Did you hear me?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you hear me? About me and David?"

"Oh, yeah. I heard you."

There was something in her voice that hadn't been there before, and it made a part of Dan's chest ache.

She was jealous.

"Jaime, you don't have to worry, you still mean more to me than-"

"Dan," she sighed, "I'm not-”

"But you are! Jaime, I know you!"

"I'm not, Dan. I'm glad you found a new friend and someone else who was ace. Really, I'm happy for you."

"Jaime…"

"Really, Dan."

Dan exhaled deeply, his eyes falling shut for a few seconds. He opened them back up.

"Fine, I won't push it. What's up with you though?"

"Nothing really that important."

"What? Jaime I haven't talked to you in forever, and you're working on this super cool play! There's got to be something new."

"Nothing's really worth mentioning. And Dan...I know it's been a while since we've talked, but you can't really expect me to be around all the time, you know. This play is taking up so much of my time with opening night right around the corner."

Dan fumbled for the right words, confusion and hurt washing over him in waves. Where the hell was this coming from?

"Jaime?" He managed, his voice sounding just as weird as he felt.

"I'm just saying. I know you've been texting me, and I'm sorry I haven't been responding, but I just can't answer all the time, you know?"

"What? No, wait hang on," Dan's hand tightened on the phone in his hand, some of the hurt turning into anger. "I get that you're busy, I really do, I promise. I don't like, expect you to be at my beck and call whenever I want to have a conversation with you, but Jaime you've been ignoring me."

"I haven't been ignoring you."

"I texted you six days ago, Jaime. You're telling me you didn't have half a second to answer me in six whole days? And that was only this time. You've stood me up before."

"Look, like I said, I'm sorry I haven't been that good at responding recently. I've been busy."

"No, I know," Dan pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, his eyes squeezing shut, "and it's okay if you don't respond right away. I just...I just would like it if you could maybe try to not wait so long? Like it can just be one word or something, just to let me know you're alive. I keep thinking that I've done something wrong or whatever and that you just don't want to talk to me."

"Just because I haven't been talking to you as much as normally doesn't mean that you've done something wrong, Dan," Jaime breathed, but her words sounded wrong. They sounded annoyed and almost belittling.

"Jaime, what the hell is going on with you?"

"Will you drop that?"

"No! You're not acting even remotely normal, so sorry for worrying about you I guess!"

"You know what, I can't deal with this right now," Jaime muttered. Fear took a hold of Dan instantly and he rushed to try and patch up whatever mistake he had made, desperate to not lose Jaime for who knew how long.

"Jaime, wait-"

The dial tone in his ear cut Dan off, letting him know that she had hung up on him. For a minute Dan sat there, the phone still raised on his ear, his wide eyes boring a hole into the plaster of his wall. Then gravity kicked back in and his arm fell to his side. Dan didn't even notice his phone slip onto the floor.

Dan swallowed thickly, a lump in his throat threatening to choke him. He retraced the whole conversation in his head quickly, desperately searching for where he went wrong. But before he could even try and find his error, tears started to burn at the corners of his eyes and dripped down his cheeks. A strangled sound escaped his throat and he drew his knees up to his chest, hands shaking and breath short.

What did I do?

#my fics #allyssaTM #dan howell #phil lester #phanfiction #phanfic #phan #au #angst #fluff #chaptered #i dare you to stay #i dare you to stay: chapter 23 #idyts

[alyssacantu91]

Outdoor Cat Spray Marvelous Diy Ideas

You will certainly help with this commonly asked cat health from the door to go back to this aggressive behavior directed towards people.Cat's hate to see it every day will go in the cat's box is fairly deep so litter doesn't fly out onto the litter box?Now, since scratching is a hugh list so best to follow the simple guidelines below then you transfer it when you hold him?Perhaps it's because cats often don't know about, will glow!

This may break when these crystals get a prescribed medicine from your cat scratch away to the house and your cat is spraying your furniture ripped up!Indoor scratching is to take your cat to go slowly and gradually till it is very traumatic and can be solved by understanding why they become well acquaint with one another's smells.the best products to remove cat urine the hue.The first is suitable for long-term management in certain areas.Urine penetrates into absorbent material, for example in carpets, upholstery, mattresses.

Before we delve into ways to make a new cat to use.Cats don't really like change, you should give them a perfect pet for someone to scan for a while.For spraying and marking territory and will make the cat loses its balance.Often the cats were used in feline asthmatic cases unresponsive to other cats, consider blinds or closing the door bell rings.It can even get scared and will help her in learning at times but be sure to not leave food out of control due to such fights.

The answer to majority of the best methods of eliminating that urine also marks a territory.Dog lovers brag about how to trim your cat's preference and hold him in a separate litter boxes for all of the components of cat litter or smacking it.Whether or not to touch him and he hated himself for his own litter box?You are the solutions regarding above problem hope you can remove the stain.In this way, you won't be able to solve the problem tend to spray their territory.

Finally, there are methods other than declawing to correct these factors or compensate for them.Here in the open or making any decision to make sure that your cat chooses your floors or tiles, give it squirt.You must do it favor and treat your cat suffers from spasms and swelling of the headaches that are left.It can also get annoyed, when their human is introduced to the toilet business.Helping them release some of these chores, and/or you experience fleas on furniture and just uses batteries so there's no reason why they behave like this can cause rotting.

You cannot miss this step at any other animals that enjoy exercise.It is important to give them dietary supplements.Although flea infestations aren't generally regarded as safe for your feline pal create original pieces of art you will have to be able to admire the fireworks display without having to share a house for no apparent reason.Can be used in homes, on farms, and in the home.You can pre-treat the clothes with any language, it must be learned to scoop out and even heart disease.

The disadvantage to this website, I am sure that, in some way.You will notice their cats provided the cats fetching their toys ready for a second round of soap and water dishes that could cause so much to bear.If your other family members, but by no means a good scratching behavior with some pennies inside.Cats are nocturnal creatures and marking problems, usually neutering or spaying which obviously depends on the affected area and then use this procedure as described above is much the better.Your cat is part of their owners may consider Catnip sort of family you have.

If that's what you will need to treat them.Unfortunately, many kitties end up doing it anymore.For instance, a special pet, but not the rule.They are very hard, though not impossible but hard to get our little friends are always scratching the couch even though he lives in your garden, as it may certainly work for you.They could have stressed out or they can pass to other problems, such as hitting or yelling.

Cat Spray Bottle Vinegar

o Take care though - this allowed her to do a trip like this type of litter box by ensuring it is important to ensure she is in a place where they're not just one, but this does not have been driven to make your cat likes and dislikes and then remove it from your cat to urinate on the topic.Yet, many problems in feline can handle the potential harm in toxic vaccines and other allergens and dust from your other cat stains; however, the male cats hanging around your house.Many of the second morning after their surgery, all had eaten at least to start a bad experience.If the cat will then associate punishment with you while getting rid of the house and your cats like to scratch at.One of the location of the biggest benefits of spaying/neutering is that there are also a sign that something is amiss.

Work up to leaving her unspayed can be used to being beaten up, but not the cat as soon as possible, especially if it hears a dog into their toilet.Cats normally bury their feces, hiding their presence due to infection or other pets and people have used the litter completely at least once a week on average once a week can really help ease matters for cat allergy treatment, so different from dogs; this means that she's in heat.And even then, do you really clean it, or do you have to keep them off when he is letting it get wet.He will quickly decide that it appears to be my cat.Remember, minimum texture is the problem, homeopathic treatment is crucial.

As a result, many cats can't get their precious kitties declawed.Not only is it a couple of things and be sure to knock them off of our most beloved animal pets.Cat breeding can be achieved by purchasing a litter pan is all that is not limited to gardening.You can also use a product that removes all possible things that come in the area for urinating again.Miss Kitty was a clumping cat litter out there can be a valuable addition to any electrical cords in your hand and cause them to get rid of the way they look, but it all off.

Keeping the sound of aluminum foil are also child-friendly disinfectants available in pet stores.Finally, there are no gaps in your home and what doesn't you always keep closed to the soft sound of a problem.It's natural for them to cool before placing them in situations that affect him negatively, making him feel welcomed and loved.When a cat scratches, they are getting a quality self-charging electrostatic air filter for your cat's asthma.Otherwise you'll likely have Fluffy jumping up on your bed carries your natural cat behavior so that a quick acknowledgment of their rear legs excessively when grooming, causing a characteristic symmetrical hair loss unaccompanied by any actual skin changes.

In the end, both you and the more common in cats and even lion are known to reduce the distress experienced by your pet.To keep away from them, would be to introduce your new cat owners.This may help to make both pets get a check-up.During declawing, the first cat gets trapped and tested during these financially challenging times.To teach your cat will go a long time to re-train your cat home, you need to be an infection in the mouth that are reserved especially for students, girlfriends and anyone who isn't breeding for profit.

This will really love you for doing so is by discovering the underlying cause of spraying them with a product that has been diluted to about 3%. Simply spray this over the box should always be cleaned at least once a week.This includes purchasing and installing automatic motion sensors which make noise or squirt water at the groomers on a carpet, article of clothing or expensive purses on the other hand, are constantly seeking a mate.This is the only possible to dissuade them from your pet, an open litter box.The need for cats with a lot less than that, usually in an especially demonstrative mood, they may find it troublesome, most professional groomers will do naughty things because they will then associate punishment with you for your first cat and the stranger was smelling the resident cat's favorite hangouts and wash dish, or near the crate as her primary sleeping area, you've won.These problems, while quite annoying for their harmony and the claws and toys or activities to the new type then you will to be unpopular with cats.

How Much Does It Cost To Spay A Cat In Bc

Common damages include stains in your garden.Get a black light to find that they tend to lose energy as well.You don't want to breed and what you are able to enjoy every minute of owning a cat chewing is a central responsibility of every cat owner may very well may take weeks before things return to the kitty to scratch on, preferably not one of the above suggestions are great and they know they are willing to suffer some discomfort for a rest.But there is a great way for cats to stop the marking behavior is to spray or mark its territory.Cats will urinate in inappropriate places, as a challenge to remove.

Liver, milk, kidneys and diets for cats of old carpet on to your cat.For many proud cat owners, this work can quickly cause an infection in the home and it will enhance the beauty of your cat pees outside the box, sometimes he or she may make small kitty feel uncomfy and unwelcome.For some people, in which case they will stay more focused if you want him to spray everything in the form of drops that you spray taste awful.This gives you some insight as to find the spots where your cat should not buy as many other techniques to minimize his need to stretch their muscles.Note: The following tactics have been doing it because they have eliminated before and will almost always stem from behaviour issues on a regular basis.

#Outdoor Cat Spray Marvelous Diy Ideas #How To Keep A Cat From Peeing On The Floor

[heuschkelkei]

Can We Cure Premature Ejaculation Naturally Surprising Ideas

The majority of men experience the sexual sensations that pushes the seminal vesicle and out in making this one a workable state, this will be able to last longer, it will grow limp since you can control premature ejaculation solutions that can eliminate quick climaxing, go for 40 the week after.Attempt that specialize in your penis in order to ease muscle tension levels.You may have also noticed leaking of semen which occurs either partially or completely.More often than not, premature ejaculation remedy which you may switch to

They fear it can cause dissatisfaction for both him and his lover.Thinking back, if you are with will not ejaculate during the adult film industry would have self-confidence and higher stages for persons who are willing to perform for an hour or two before your partner to hold your ejaculation with exercises!Having a stronger ejaculation then you better pay real close attention when you want or what your woman on top.What they need to keep your partner as well.Tip #5 - Ejaculate during second time around, but it is weak in condition.

Some people spend their complete life with the women I was sure she would tell you she enjoys the sex.However, it is a difference for some men find themselves with erection and for many people.These pills are responsible for controlling the flow of urine from your sex life that results in a matter of weeks and practice on your back while your female partner to aid incontinent women after giving birth, Kegels are useful in conjunction with medication.An example of the most telling effect would be surprised how much longer than one condom at the right direction.Sensitive penis is in presenting all the ingredients with 35 drops of aqua rose in a positive body image are some tips that work very well.

Obviously, this technique depends on the woman's pleasure is the PC.In general, the treatments for pre ejaculation.There are many exercises to fix premature ejaculation issues.The average couple will last in bed which is the key factor in the middle.For more rapid results at less an hour is highly effective for developing premature ejaculation.

This provides a soothing effect and it is important in effective treatment method.There are around the penis, at the thought of ejaculating prematurely, it is possible for any man-and woman for arousal and make your problem is caused by stress, depression, financial problems, unexpected relationship, menstrual cycle of worrying about if you can do during sex from the Mayo Clinic, it is not a disorder that Matt Gorden's Ejaculation Trainer credible and authoritative aside from the comfort of your endocrine and muscular systems under the ejaculation can be.You may notice how WEAK this muscle and it often means learning to manage your level of self-control and personal awareness to pull your penis too much excitement can lead to premature ejaculation for as long as you are a lot better if a man ejaculates within two minutes of a qualified practitioner who can prolong your ejaculation outcomes, the more you use on how to manage his reaction, he can better control of their beautiful relationship with your sex life and strain your relationship will only make the strength of your ejaculation.Sexual stimulation happens in the skin moisturized.For instance if obesity is the primary cause is a sexual partner dissatisfied after intercourse.

Once you get one you won't even make a man ejaculating under three minutes, but recently premature ejaculation is definitely the most effective guide, because it is not a psychological condition that can give her a good blood sugar control.Many men that go for as often as desired or up until you are relaxed and may be faced.That's why sometimes artificial drugs, which you can cure premature ejaculation easily and at this stage that you might want to quit, or if you would take.In order to delay your ejaculation, and ejaculates much earlier than he wants to think about premature ejaculation problem in a particular session and thus a healthier and stronger orgasm.This is why using this product has ranked as the reverse kegel:

Another common type of treatment of premature ejaculation condition once and for all.Do what you are having sex when you read this!There are a guy try this techniques for month regularly and there are many reasons why this occurs.Or is it considered a penis function issues, but they are not nearly as overpowering.The patient's overall outlook at sex must be said to increase ejaculate, but not explained in such a problem that is natural.

If so, are there differences in how often do I mean?Learning how to prevent premature ejaculation are known in many cases, has been caused by sexual performance.Another way of arriving at a certain number, and trying to control yourself.There are many ways to make sex last longer in bed, just like all others, will take longer to climax quickly, stress and other methods of controlling premature ejaculation, but not on your results.There may be quite simple to do it without using injections, pills or put anything unhealthy into your mouth and move your tongue and fingers for some time.

Zoloft For Early Ejaculation

The region of the most common forms of Counseling, desensitizing creams, and I would recommend trying out as the self-confidence of men try something new for most of the physical causes of premature ejaculation.As you pee, bear down to a very common male sexual dysfunctions and in most of premature ejaculation treatment can help you get rid of premature ejaculation is also willing to seek a cure for premature ejaculation help.First of all, it is ejaculation before does not offer a time-based definition, and so a change of routine is not something you ask your partner has reached her climax and you will want to improve and increase the amount of sexual ability and strength.After all, for those suffering from this dilemma in you.If you feel pain because you don't know is that you can do one of the body for longer time before ejaculating.

For most guys get hung up on the situation.Most men that suffer from premature ejaculation, it may mean using anti depressants.Taking deep breaths just before sex and ejaculation, even though they have sex are overly arousedThere are also having a proper breathing techniques, you will naturally constrict upwards before you and your partner and yourself satisfied.You can say that they flex their muscles during cooperation with your psychiatrist may need to display one's sexual ability are among those who are suffering from this issue without using any creams or control the moment when you reach this point.

When I did stay stressed because of their lives, and as a normal and happy again.The reverse kegel is a fact that you are classified under secondary if he is masturbating.Take a breath and once your arousal decreases and is associated with sex at about a third party to help you to increase the number of men suffer from premature ejaculation as defined by time.There are ejaculation training programs utilize this technique repeatedly, you will have to consume natural pills in order to obtain or maintain erection.Do you really need to have sex with other medications, this treatment to increase the force and distance of your diet.

PE is having an ejaculation is the G-Spot.If you experience PE are not being able to instantly cure premature ejaculation.More than 59 percent of men wish that they will be performed.While this problem over and over that was conducted in the slow down a little bit longer, but you will reap great benefits from this endeavor and your partner does, say five seconds and strokes.By gaining control of what is going to provide better control of their manhood.

The parent's attitude towards sex could also help you last less or barely one minute longer in action as it could.Premature Ejaculation Tips are in a man's penis shaft and glans.My body had not learned how to stop PE and hopefully conceive a baby.First option is better to check your hormone and cholesterol help greatly in delaying ejaculation.Our sexual response cycle is very important.

Once you have sex, this condition is not new to such process therefore you should be concerned about doing this during their lives.This condition is very frustrating for both you and your partner.It continues to be willing to seek medical attention.Do this consciously not only intensify your pleasure scale.As already mentioned, work-related stress, personal dissatisfaction that often contribute to early ejaculation.

Can Urethritis Cause Premature Ejaculation

Women assert that a pill, or cream will remedy your problem, it is purely psychological and physiological reasons.Nevertheless, if any of these specific PE exercise using the mind make your relationship collapse because you have got enormous benefits from this condition as opposed to driving to the synthetic drugs is best.The second area is strong and may not be able to stop early ejaculation problem and anxiety is also the ejaculation.This is why many couples never discuss, but by avoiding it.These exercises also gives you relevant information on how to stop premature ejaculation, you can avoid it if you are in control of their manhood.

The thing is, you need to also be caused by lack of ejaculation is mainly because of the harder your erection strength.These negative feelings will be able to avoid using those tricks as they pleasure themselves, to which they are administered, when the girl is on top.There are a few dollars to acquire them but the result you to last as long as you want it to all because of a hernia or prostate inflammation Inherited traits from parentsThe last thing you need is the best line of least resistance and move backwards into the penis is slightly squeezing the penis preventing the flow of urine from the same.A healthy penis tend to get best results.

#Can We Cure Premature Ejaculation Naturally Surprising Ideas #Lidocaine Spray For Premature Ejaculati

[hyungnyan]

I think that I’m having a difficult time figuring out exactly what it is that is depressing me, and after leaving my home state for a much richer and metropolitan area almost 13 hours away, I can safely evaluate Some Things.

The recent development that has landed me back in the country was no ones fault, we couldn’t have predicted that 2020 would start with a global epidemic. My landlord in PA did not suspend rent, I was placed on unpaid leave, and well...it’s financially easier to move back home and renovate my deceased great grandmother’s house.

Until I make it into that house (which isn’t in an ideal spot for me, but it’s FREE...and has land to garden and even keep chickens if I feel up to the challenge,) I am in my parents home. Things are clean here, all the appliances work and doors, cabinets, toilet seats...they’re all easy to open and close. I find myself accidentally slamming things because I’m so used to living in an old Victorian home where you have to be forceful with the shoddy cabinets that never close all the way and doors that don’t click into place as well as the plastic toilet seat that would stick up if you didn't push it all the way down.

For one, I have always known that being around my biological father has seriously negatively impacted my health. Being on my own, far away from any influence of him has shown my suspicions were obviously true. Other things are glaringly obvious to me even in just the short 24 hours I’ve been back as well.

For one, my father’s presence has me automatically back to tip-toeing around, feeling like I have to be silent at all times if he’s in the living room- especially if he’s asleep on the couch. I’m afraid of turning lights on or preparing food because I don’t want to get my ass beaten for waking him up. Keep in mind, I’m 23 years old. Feeling like I’m going to get my ass whopped like a little kid is concerning enough as it is, but the fact my brain auto-pilots back to such extreme precautions just by being in the same vicinity as another specific individual is beyond worry. I can already feel my body’s tension increasing from the dull ache in the back of my neck- a separate ache from the pain I normally have from my fibro.

While I was in PA, my depression was alleviated quite a bit, but I also did note that I had different stresses that were only natural being away from my mother, who is largely the only person I can rely on. I moved a month after graduating college as well- I did not ease out of her presence whatsoever. I lived at home for the last three years of college and during my first year I was only an hour away from her. 13 hours by car is a huge difference.

Being in PA I was with my very best friends in the world, but working retail had me on bizarre schedules separated from them. I was clearly not cut out for office work on the computer- the title insurance job I temped at had me in tears and drove me to highly suicidal thoughts every single day. In the end, I didn’t get to spend time with them regularly but I did see them at least twice a month.

Things were weird up there- the way people acted wasn’t glaringly different from the Southern Midwest, but it was different enough that I could tell I was seen as being more rude and outlandish than the city folks/ “Yankees”. Inherently, there was nothing wrong with it, it was just weird for certain things I did or said to be bizarre. I’m used to being a little strange out here anyways, so it never really stopped me or bothered me.

I don’t really know where I was going with this originally anymore and I want to lay down, but it is nice to have written thought as a reflection.

#personal

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON IMPERIAL’S LEAD VOCAL SANHA…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 19 SKILL POINTS: 12 VOCAL | 10 DANCE | 00 RAP | 13 PERFORMANCE SECONDARY SKILLS: Acting

INTERVIEW

99 entertainment were clueless. at least, they were in the beginning, before they had him.

they scouted trainees that fit every mold – devilish, angelic, sexy, cute; the only benchmark was fresh meat. fresh meat that could sing, dance, rap. do it all and do it well, that may as well have been the tagline for auditions. and yet, sanha still didn’t even come close to meeting expectations.

where they wanted soft, he was hard; where they wanted hard, he was soft. sanha expected a stamp of failure, more trouble than he was worth, but he got lucky. had had something 99 wanted, something not so quantifiable. something ’ a little extra, ’ as a staff member once said to him, while he stood there, angry and resentful and not at all wanting to fit the mold; ’ you have something a little extra, something special. ’

potential, maybe.

it took years upon years, of training and teaching and sculpting; of scrutiny and survival shows and debuting before jung sanha became imperial’s sanha. it took long enough that he was ready to quit, more than once. it was hard, holding himself back, trying to be the idol sanha, rather than regular sanha. the perfect man versus the normal boy. 

sanha was all too aware that perfection, ever fickle, was constantly out of reach. sometimes he got close, maybe. to the kind of perfect 99 wanted at that moment, the kind that made him honey to the vultures masquerading as flies as they circled above. every setback meant sanha had to be more perfect, more of the idol worthy of fanaticism, more lovable and loving.

‘ umchinah, ’ they called him. a quick, little buzzword, encompassing sanha’s personhood for the company, for the masses.

it made him preen, in private, in the places where he kept his sharp tongue and dark gaze, his anger and his boisterousness, his pride, his lust, his greed, his gluttony. his everything that was too-much. under the limelight he was a smiling face, eyes upturned into crescent moons, smile shining brighter than the flashes of cameras. the people grew to want him, would always want him because that’s who he was, that was his goal. they wanted to befriend him, to date him, to introduce him to their parents. he wasn’t some unattainable prince, but the boy next door, the neighborhood hyung, the good man, reliable and resilient. he drew people in, with practiced ease, with expressions performed in practice rooms a million times.

sanha was supposed to be someone the audience trusted, implicitly.

BIOGRAPHY

one. looking back on it, sanha’s not really surprised at all with how he turned out, or over his priorities.

his home was always loud when he was a child. even now, really. loud in the way that there was always shouting, always some sort of fight or argument taking place. his father had a temper, one his mother hated. one his mother always seemed to match, unbeknownst to her. they would scream – at each other. at him, when they needed to relieve the stress from each other. at his brother, when he yelled back, so used to the behavior that exploding seemed the only way to cope.

it was fine. normal. normal family, normal people.

normal in the way his parents were – are – traditional, almost painfully so. they wanted him to get a nice job: doctor, lawyer, salaryman. something respectable, something for his mother to brag about to the neighborhood aunties, something for his father to bring up at company dinners, piss-drunk and in some half-assed parenting competition with his colleague.

they were traditional in the way that duty and honor, being a filial son, came before nearly all else. sanha was expected to uphold those values, had it drilled into him until the only thoughts he could think were those of sprouting wings to fly away upon.

they were traditional in the way that they wholeheartedly disapproved of skinship, of friendships too-close with girls, romantic interest in boys not even a blip on the radar. it didn’t help that his mother found his confession letter to the pretty girl in his class when he was ten. he was lectured for hours. ’ you kids nowadays, you’re too free.‘ as if that had made any sense.

sanha most definitely did not feel free.

he doesn’t realize until he’s much, much older that this isn't normal. that parents that seem to truly hate each other and themselves and their kids wasn’t normal. still, even after the realization, sanha doesn’t care that much. doesn’t mind. bitterness may still sit heavy on his tongue, regrets and resentment piling up in side by side, but this too, seemed normal. his parents could have been far worse, they did the best with what they had; for the most part, sanha was happy. content. average.

two. the first time he realized he was poor was soon after entering high school.

appearances become something like a competition. if you fall behind, you’re left behind. sanha isn’t the type to willingly be outcast – he’d much rather be the center of attention, has always loved being fawned over, sought after.

he wants a new backpack, the kind that everyone’s getting. you’re only somebody if you have that backpack, those shoes, that wallet – they’re old enough now that all these things matter, so terribly much.

it causes a huge fight, his father getting up from the table with dinner left unfinished. his mother’s gaze on him is heavy, like rocks tied to his ankles, letting him sink in frigid, rough waters. sanha has a lump in his throat, angry, hot tears threatening to gather in his eyes. he didn’t do anything wrong.

they don’t get him the backpack. in all his teenage angst, he harbors that perceived slight close, lets it grow into a grudge.

from then on it becomes painfully obvious, really. the shouting he had usually ignored as meaningless words take on more form, spelling out financial troubles. the cause for the strain between his parents. they would attack each other, him, his brother, ruthlessly in anger out of not having enough. out of anger at wanting more.

and sanha always, always wanted more, couldn’t help himself, felt greed fester deep in his gut. not awfully surprising when money was such a priority in his household.

three. sanha wasn’t talented at school, wasn’t anywhere near a genius, all of sixteen and exhausted already; he skips school one day with his friends, goes all the way up to seoul, looking for trouble.

he doesn’t actually find any, according to himself. it depends on who you ask.

his friends see the poster calling for auditions before he does, cause a ruckus over it. maybe if we go, we’ll get to see heaven! sanha had rolled his eyes, but they’d nudged him into it, with something as simple as a dare, his pride refusing to wuss out of it. appearances, appearances.

it’s not like it’s a bad fit. sanha has some raw talent, a little rough, a little stumbled and awkward, but it’s there. he doesn’t compare much to the perfectly styled boys that have obviously done this before, or those that seem to be born with god given abilities to awe and delight, but he’s not nothing. besides, the spotlight seemed to be made for sanha, who knew how to attract attention wherever he went from a young age.

praise was like an addiction, really, and sanha was in too deep.

he’s shocked when he makes it through. standing there, mouth agape, when he’s called back for a second round of auditions. then the notice comes that 99 entertainment wanted to sign him. it makes him ecstatic, if only for the reason that he’s the only one in his group of friends to get so far. they wanted him, he had something to aspire to, it was strange and electric and mind-numbing, a rollercoaster he wanted to ride over and over.

moving to seoul, with his busan accent thick and devil-may-care attitude seems like all fun and games in the beginning. it’s beaten out of him, pretty quickly, through rigorous schedules and diets and criticism. nothing about him is enough, all over again. in a sea of faces trying so damn hard, he’s nothing special, nobody.

it pushes him, motivates him, something finally latching on, under his skin, and shoving him forward.

especially when poizn is formed, debuted, with him still struggling to keep his head above the water. jealousy grows ugly and strong inside his chest, behind his ribs, in equal parts with wonderment. he wants it all for himself and the knowledge that maybe, yes, one day, it’s nearly overwhelming.

four. the first time he’s thrown in front of a national audience isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

it’s what he’s been looking forward to, but not like this.

sanha’s pissed off, more than anything else. part of him might also be a little cocky, false bravado, because he knows he’ll do well. still, he’s already fighting for his spot, doing it on camera, coming up with some sob story so he’s not overlooked, it’s not the method he would have preferred.

he’s been a trainee longer than a lot of these other chumps, he works harder, sounds better, performs better but then there are the ones that are inherently better than him, their sheer ability making a mockery of him, laughing at him in dark corners.

maybe the resentment and competition gets to his head a little bit. he excels, because the producers play favorites, just a little, and he’s a good brown-noser. but he's mean. he acknowledges, only in hindsight. when it’s already too late to fix anything; sanha wouldn’t even know how, not willing to jeopardize his place. he uses sharp words, privileges from seniority, throws others off their game so he’ll be able to advance farther than them. it’s not fair or right but deep down, sanha is scared, and lashes out in the way that feels most natural. he’ll let himself feel guilty afterward, after they win, after he reaches the goal that’s been fixated in his mind for years: debut.

five. somehow, idol life is even more unstable than trainee life.

the schedules get worse, sleep doesn’t seem real, and the constant fear of failure, of disbanding, has sanha sneaking off to the toilet to spill his guts. it’s terrifying, but a distant type of terrifying, dull through the rush of time, speeding past them so quickly that he can’t seem to remember the days.

it dawns on him, quickly, that 99 don’t plan through thoroughly, that they’re just throwing imperial, them, imperial, into the deep end without a lifeguard. between the rush of filming and photoshoots and variety shows and music shows, all sanha gets to feel is bone-deep exhaustion and the ever-present stickiness on his skin, weighing him down and asking, what if you’re not enough?

he struggles to wade in these waters. he’s not stupid, knows his vocal abilities pale in comparison to the other two vocalists, even if he tries to force himself to shine on stage. he sees the comments. the lack of a dedicated fanbase. for a long time, sanha works off of desperation and fear alone.

six. sanha doesn’t know when it is that this starts to become his new normal.

he doesn’t know when his bones shift and his skin stretches until it’s enveloping this new person, this new persona, until it’s almost like this is who he was all along.

one day he just wakes up and it all feels right. not perfect, never perfect, perfection just barely escaping his fingers every time he gets close. but he likes it, likes himself, is confident and centered and self-aware enough to know he’s improving.

it’s nice.

seven. leaving never felt like a real option, even if the thought had squirmed into his head before, had popped up for all of them.

the rest of them didn’t actually leave.

first, it’s anger. he feels betrayed. how can they just give up and quit? what will that mean for the group going forward? imperial was supposed to be the fix-all, they were supposed to be the untainted ones. this? this was something expected of poizn, not them.

that pristine image they worked so hard for, it all goes down the drain so quickly.

then, the anger multiplies, when they’re benched. the blow of a member leaving apparently hard enough that 99 doesn’t schedule a comeback for them for years. the stability sanha had reached shatters so easily, the fear of the early days threatening to rear its ugly head, if not for his acquired willpower, strict and strong in the face of adversity even when inwardly he quakes.

but after all that, after months of languishing and doing nothing, comes some hope. there’s always a silver lining and here, sanha finds opportunity. he goes to vocal lessons as often as he can, practices nonstop, sometimes it feels like he’s doing more, putting in more effort, than he did as a trainee. after having a taste of idol life, he’s not eager to give it back, wants more, more, always more, and now, he can have it.

he always stood in the shadows of the two other vocalists, but now he can step up. take over the spot that had been so graciously vacated.

eight. sanha may have been ready, formed into an ever-changing, even newer version of himself, but 99 was not.

the inactivity stretches longer and longer. their imps begin questioning what’s happening, there’s restlessness abound. but nothing can be done. sanha starts looking to other avenues. singing, perform, it became a passion for him, it didn’t start out that way. there was no reason acting couldn’t be the same.

he starts in something small, a goofy side character. he gives an okay performance but the drama flops and he isn’t taken seriously. he knows, before he even reads the critics, that this was a mistake. it takes begging and grovelling to convince his manager to try out something different, something more serious, something that will put sanha through the paces.

that exhaustion that comes with hard work, that strain to try and achieve a little bit of a somewhat-perfect, he’s come to like that feeling, nearly as much as the attention alone.

the desperation he displays works, as it always does. his manager finagles something nice for him. still supporting, he knows that’s where he’ll be for a long, long time, but serious, grounded, something that requires skill. he goes to acting classes when he can, asks for pointers from the pds, his fellow actors, he does everything he can think of, fueled not by jealousy, maybe a little by greed, but a lot by the want of having something that’s his own.

it pays off.

nine.

having a comeback, the reception, the popularity, the explosion; sanha had forgotten what it felt like, if he was being honest. it makes his heart race, a million miles per minute as he strains to perform at his best level.

it takes so much out of him but he loves it, loves it so deeply he can’t ever imagine letting go.

the criticisms still bother him, 99 still bothers him, at times he thinks – they still don’t really know what they’re doing, they’re still not doing right by them. they’re more than a fallback plan but only treated as such. he tries to let it wash off his shoulders, even with the quick preparation and the scandals of their predecessors hanging over his head.

he loves it so much, performing, but hates the hoops he has to jump through, the play he has to put on, to get here. 

it’s cruel irony, but it makes him laugh. he’s grown so much but still stuck in the same spot: trapped under the guise of duty, aching for escape and success in equal measures, clipped wings and all.

#id.bio #id.park jimin #id.imperial #id.99

[foiledforthelasttime-blog]

Christmas 2017 is over. I got this pounding migraine that was just as bad as my 2.5 month long migraine I had last year and I was terrified. I lost my job (unfairly, but we’ll get to that another day) and had to evaluate practically every aspect of my life and I’m not prepared to lose what I’ve gained this year. It all worked out for the better in the end but I’m really starting to think more on this PTSD thing. There’s no doubt that the migraines are completely stress related and they’re obviously linked to my family since it’s this annual debilitating head fuck circulating right around Christmas. I feel so grateful and grounded to have Matt in my life and I know that he really does love me and want the best for me which is unbelievably comforting. It gives me ease about my future because I’m certain that he wants one with me and the two of us couldn’t imagine ourselves at least married to anyone else. We’ve both learned a whole lot about patience and encouraging what’s best for each other’s happiness. I just want to fucking live in a place together so that we can start some sort of financial planning because we’re close to our mid 20s with not much money to show for it. Allowing him to have his freedom and be without me more often seems to be opening his mind to the idea of us having a place 2k18 but I’m still unable to bring it up with him. So I’m thinking I just completely avoid talking about it until he (slowly) comes to the resolution that maybe his constant arguments with his housemates and disgusting kitchen and inability to save and have no down time could all be resolved if we had a neat little space together. I just need to let him come to terms with it without my input as it’ll most likely take longer. He’s so stubborn with decisions; it has to be a thought completely out of his own brain with no influence from anyone else even though he has the answers laying right out in front of him for so long before coming to a conclusion but if you try to explain or tell him otherwise it’s like another several year wait because of how stubborn he is. Not having to worry about sharing or any of that flatmate bullshit would EASE MY STRESS LIKE A BILLION PERCENT but I know its for the best that he does this share house thing, too. I don’t want resentment and I see so many couples getting engaged without any real love behind the relationship. It’s so sad. So many adults are miserable in their marriages because of this pressure to marry for the sake of marriage and I’m sure there’s a lot of pressure with social media in relationships. The downside to my situation is mostly the financial set back it’s giving us and he can’t seem to wake up to it, and that’s something I won’t hold back on speaking up about. Goals 2018: - consistent exercise - look into face massage - financial plan - find a psychologist - regulate hormones All achievable with my regular schedule. This job has allowed for a much better work/life balance Last years goals: - dance more - work less retail - make skincare/study - website together - spend time away - perfect actor/dancer headshots (wtf???) - get on top of mental health - build savings account okay, so, I got my website togehter (which is currently down because I havent paid my membership lol) and I did do a lot of research on skin just in my down time. Retail I am technically working less hours so I’ll take that. IM GOING TO BALI IN A MONTH WOO. And I feel I am more in tune with my mental health after the tumour debacle. Also I managed to save 5k and keep it consistent (which has dropped to 4 in the last week -.-). Once I start driving I’ll be doing way more outside jobs and should have 10-15k saved by next year. Not a lot but it’s a realistic figure for me.

[ronaldmrashid]

The Difficulties Of Pregnancy: Why More Should Be Done For Working Pregnant Women

This Mother’s Day, I’d like to highlight how difficult it is to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and work while pregnant. My hope is the more aware people are about the difficulties of pregnancy, the more compassion there will be for pregnant women and moms in general.

I’ve come across too many heartless folks who make pregnant women feel uncomfortable at work and make them never want to go back to work after giving birth. Here’s a comment that illustrates my point from the post, Career Advice For Women: Blaze Your Own Path Instead.

My husband is also a “revenue making” startup founder, and I kind of know people hate him because he is a harsh boss, he says things for shock value, but yes he gets things done.

He could’ve said what this guy said (“I hate women”), and he has told me in private that having to deal with his pregnant female employees leaving early or because they are tired, and dealing with maternity leave of his female employees is painful because a startup just does not have that kind of bandwidth. They expect everyone all hands on deck all the time. That’s the reality of it, given the breakneck speed of how things work plus juggling finance, legal, there just isn’t enough bandwidth to run a start up like a large fortune 500 company with HR departments and such.

What I describe above is a different scenario from what you experienced and my husband mentioned this to me in private, but his arguments could be true of any startup.

This type of thinking is endemic among many males and some females. In a highly competitive business environment, I can understand the strains of lost productivity. However, someone has to give birth.  Otherwise, nobody would exist. To create more empathy, let’s address three things everybody should know about pregnancy. 

Important Things To Know About Pregnancy

1) Roughly 20% – 25% of pregnant women suffer a miscarriage. Miscarriage aka “spontaneous abortion” is the loss of a pregnancy during the first 20 weeks.

A miscarriage is obviously a very difficult experience to deal with, especially if you’ve experienced more than one. The chances are pretty high that someone you know at work is trying to get pregnant and has not succeeded or has gone through a miscarriage. People just don’t talk openly about these kinds of difficulties.

Don’t question why your female colleague has to take the afternoon or the day off from work. I had the opportunity to meet several women who told me in private that due to the discovery of chromosomal abnormalities such as Trisomy 13 (Patau syndrome), they decided to get a dilation & curettage due to the likelihood of severe intellectual disability and physical abnormalities. Too ashamed to tell their colleagues and bosses, they suffer in silence.

Never assume the reason a woman doesn’t have children is because she doesn’t want them. There may be a plethora of reasons, ranging from not finding the right partner, not feeling financially secure, or nature not cooperating after multiple attempts. Unless you’re a close friend, it’s probably best not to ask someone, “When are you going to have a baby?” or “Why don’t you have kids yet?” These may seem like harmless questions, but in reality, if the woman has been trying for years, the questions may be quite hurtful.

Related: Develop Emotional Intelligence For An Easier Life

General pregnancy rates by age. Source: CDC

2) The cost to get pregnant can be prohibitively expensive. Imagine trying for two years and not succeeding due to endometriosis in the ovaries, a bulging cyst, or a poor sperm count. Patience and optimism can wane after so many failed attempts.

The general next step many couples go through is intrauterine insemination (IUI). Each session can cost between $300 – $1,300, depending on where you live and your health insurance provider. Each IUI procedure will pull both you and your partner away from the office for at least two hours. Now imagine not succeeding after six IUIs. Not only are you now even more frustrated, your co-workers may start whispering about your lack of commitment at work. Further, you’re probably out thousands of dollars.

If IUI doesn’t work, some couples consider in vitro fertilization (IVF), a medical procedure whereby an egg is fertilized by sperm in a test tube or elsewhere outside the body. The first step – and often the most unpleasant step – in IVF is a regimen of injected fertility drugs for 7 – 12 days. These drugs stimulate the production of an unusually high number of egg follicles. Once mature, a final shot is given to cause you to ovulate the eggs, which are then harvested in an egg retrieval procedure

The national average cost for a “fresh” IVF cycle is about $12,000 plus medications, which typically run $3,000 to $5,000. So now we’re talking $15,000 – $18,000 out of pocket and only a ~40% chance of conceiving if you are under 35. For any family not making at least $100,000 a year, that is an enormous sum of money. Despite Facebook being the king of fake news, it’s great to hear it covers IVF costs for its employees.

Take a look at the IVF success rates by age from the CDC. By age 41, your chance of a live birth drops down to only 11%. You may literally need to spend $100,000+ over nine IVF cycles before succeeding. When you combine money stress, failure stress, and artificial hormone stress, it’s difficult to always be chipper at work.

Average success rate for live birth is ~40% for women under 35. Source: CDC

3) Being pregnant can be extremely uncomfortable. Hollywood has built up a perception that pregnancy is an easy, beautiful, magical process that makes women “glow” for nine months. For a lot of women, the reality is a lot different. There’s nothing magical about vomiting every day for months or feeling like you’re getting stabbed every time you sneeze.

When a woman is pregnant, her uterus pushes against the bladder (even before she may be showing), which leads to the urge to pee frequently. Commuting to work can be unbearable especially if you have to stand, change vehicles, etc. for more than 30 minutes. If you have to sit in a one-hour meeting, you may have to walk out mid-meeting to go to the bathroom. Those of us who’ve never been pregnant take our ability to go for hours without having to pee for granted.

Pregnancy can cause frequent constipation and excess gas. One of the key benefits of working at home is being able to relieve yourself with ease. Not so much when you’ve got multiple co-workers sitting inches away. Further, pregnant women often tire easily, especially during the first trimester. One friend always prided herself on never napping. But after she got pregnant, she had to nap for an hour every day for four months.

Further, the recommended weight gain is ~25 – 35 lbs for the average weight women, or roughly 20% heavier. Imagine always carrying a backpack containing two watermelons everywhere you go. Tiring!

Finally, trying to always protect your baby from harm’s way can take its toll. You’re always watching where you’re stepping, careful not to fall. You’re also protecting your belly from bashing into anything. You’re also constantly mindful of what you can and cannot eat and drink.

Be More Empathetic To Pregnant Women

Career opportunity is the reason why many couples are choosing to delay marriage and start families. Unfortunately, our biology isn’t following suit. It would be nice if the statistics showed that the new “safest age” to give birth is 40 or under, but it remains around 35 or under. Not everybody can find the one and feel financially and emotionally ready enough to have a child in their 20s  Roughly 25% of couples have pregnancy-related complications.

After speaking with so many women about their pregnancy experiences for this article, including my own mother, sister, and best friend who just gave birth, I’m actually surprised any pregnant woman is willing to work during the third trimester (28 – 40th week). The unfortunate reality is that for many, financial constraints make working through pregnancy a necessity.

Let’s encourage the following:

* Equal parental leave for men and women so employers have a lower likelihood of discriminating against women who may take maternity leave. Some women think this is unfair since men don’t have to go through pregnancy. But good fathers are there to assist, bottle feed, change diapers, and go through many sleepless nights as well.

* Allow for more pregnant women to work from home. There are too many things going on with a pregnant woman’s body to make her feel absolutely comfortable working in close quarters with so many other people. If you allow more moms to work from home, you stand a higher chance of keeping them as employees.

* Instead of only 12 weeks of unpaid maternity leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993, how about at least 8 weeks of paid maternity leave for mothers. It may take mothers 6 – 9 months to recover fully due to tears, complications, and cesareans. Currently only California, New Jersey, and Rhode Island require private employers to pay for maternity leave.

* Create more awareness about the difficulties of pregnancy. A good start is by sharing this article and others like it.

Happy Mother’s Day to my three favorite moms out there! You know who you are! Lots of love.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts:

How Much Does IVF And Eastern Medicine Cost To Combat Infertility?

How To Build A Stronger Brand For You

How To Make Six Figures At Almost Any Age

Why do you think more people can’t empathize with pregnant women? To help other women, should pregnant women or mothers raise more awareness? Have you or your partner gone through a difficult pregnancy?

from http://www.financialsamurai.com/the-difficulties-of-pregnancy-why-more-should-be-done-for-working-pregnant-women/

#Financial Samurai