#and ofc i will branch out to other stuff if this works out

[grapejuicestyless]

i’m rlly sad summers gone but like I have a winter request for conrad so we good !!

fem reader (conklinnn ofc) and conrad used to date but then had a messy breakup so now everyone is in college and yn doesn’t have anywhere to go because everyone is off doing something for winter break so she takes stevens car and drives down to the summer house and conrad shows up a day later and she’s freaking out. They both stay there the whole week and romantic feelings and nostalgia builds up again 🤌🏻

you can add some of your own stuff too because your soooo creative and your work is golden!! thank you:)

Peace.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Angst to fluff!

Summery: After a hard loss, both in a relationship and with the severing of the ties of her past, Y/n must learn to let go in order to gain what she so desperate wants back.

Snowfall is always overlooked. People see it as more of an inconvenience than as a gift. Each little white flake falling from the sky seems like nothing more than a mushy ball of frozen water made to block the roads and keep kids out of school, but the closer you look the more complex they are.

What was once so horrible becomes something beautiful, something unique. There is no other thing like it, each flake is different even by one branch in the pattern. It’s sad how many people are so quick to dismiss it and pout out their windows. White was never their favorite color and the cold was never their favorite temperature.

At this time of year, I usually considered myself lucky. I had a family who cherished each snowfall and a mother who would have hot-coco ready on the table for when our red cheeks and icy hair would become too much and we would finally come back inside to melt and warm up again. Each winter break my younger siblings, Steven and Belly would be attached at my hip. Having an older sister who only grew more and more, our time together always felt limited. So we spent each day in the living room. Playing the Wii with Steven and Barbies with Belly. I would read with my mom and cook with my dad. It was all so perfect. My favorite time of the year.

I used to joke with Conrad that college didn’t hold the same amount of excitement around the season because people were just as bitter and cold all year round. I called him cold hearted too because he thought it was funny. He laughed and kissed me then. I wonder if he would laugh now. Even if we no longer shared a stocking and cozied up by the fireplace impossibly close declaring our quiet loves for each other. I wonder if he still thinks fondly of the winter like I do now that it’s tainted with old memories of us.

Usually, during the winter I would drive down to Boston. It took some convincing for Laurel to allow her daughter to drive so far in such intense weather, but she knew where my heart belonged. It was the holidays and she was just as jolly as the rest of us, so she would always agree. There, I would bring gifts for all the Fishers. I didn’t have enough money to afford gifts and college, so everything was homemade. Every year I would apologize, but Susannah and Conrad always claimed to love it. Jeremiah wouldn’t say anything, but the smile on his face was always genuinely happy, so I think he liked them just as much.

Conrad would take my mitten clad hands after. Even covered in thick wool he managed to clasp his hands fully around mine, eager to get me alone. We’d slip away into his room, my cheeks red and eyelashes covered in snowflakes and his eyes wide and smile full. Behind closed doors, we could be as affectionate as we wanted without gags of jealousy disguised as disgust from Jeremiah or swooning from Susannah over how cozy we looked.

I remember how I believed my hips were made with dips so his hands could fit perfectly in them. How his arm rested on my waist so tight, I didn’t need a blanket because he kept me warm. No fireplace or layers of coats could light the flames in my heart and keep me warm in the coldest winters like Conrad could.

He said summer was his favorite season when he met me, but now he favored winter because it reminded him of me. I asked what would happen if something were to happen to us, just to tease him then. He got serious, I still remember the look on his face when he told me I would always be his favorite thing. How winter would forever remind him of me and no matter what, nothing could change that fact.

It was our own little secret oasis. A utopia of our own confined within the four walls of his childhood bedroom. When it snowed, we’d play in the snow like children and when it stormed we’d make forts to watch our favorite winter movies. It was a dream I never wanted to end, I was foolish to think it wouldn’t.

By spring, it felt like he was tired of me, of who I was. No amount of effort could keep Conrad beside me. I became someone he wasted his time on rather than someone he begged to be around. My skin was like fire to his touch, his eyes avoidant. It all came to a head when I broke down in late May.

“Why, why am I not enough?” I begged him then, I wanted to know what my problem was. Why I couldn’t be more than what I was now. Why we couldn’t go back.

He shrugged his shoulders, looking past my left shoulder. He looked distant. He knew it just as well as I did, we were walking on eggshells.

“Because you’re just not.” His words were bitter, knives stabbing me through the heart and ripping out. There was no reason, he didn’t even try to make the gashes in my heart better.

“Bullshit. I do everything for you! I give you everything!” It came out more as a question than a statement. I wasn’t as sure about what I once believed so firmly now that Conrad was showing how he felt.

“I guess it wasn’t enough then.” His eyes were watering. We were already talking in the past tense, we were over. He didn’t have to say it, neither did I. It was as clear as the freckles on his face, there was no amount of mending that could pull us back together.

In my mind I could only remember those final words we spoke to each other. The first hour of our long argument was washed from my mind for my own sake. What should’ve been tattooed permanently in my brain was gone the second we were over. Maybe if I could remember it fully, each insult and every word he used to put me down and make me feel small, I would’ve been able to feel justified in my anger. I could talk shit with my friends, shit on him to my mother. But even in my heartache, I couldn’t find reasons to be mad at him.

Conrad always went through so much on his own. It would be selfish of me to believe that he was completely okay when things ended. It was messy and sudden the way it happened. He was the biggest dick to me, but I couldn’t blame him for what he did. Not then, not now. Part of me still loved him. Part of me would still die for him in secret. He was my first love, all I knew when it came to my feelings. I let him rule my heart, my decisions. I didn’t show up to Cousins that summer.

Now that it was over, no ties binding us together, no overbearing reason to drive down to Boston for the weeks leading up to the holidays where we’d all finally be together again, I have no where to go. Steven was old enough to be on his own now, a freshman at Princeton. One of his rich friends had dropped by within the first twenty four hours to drag him off to his families vacation home. I hadn’t even set up the Wii yet. Belly, my littlest sibling who I adored more than anyone else I knew was more distant than Steven. The stress of deciding between Finch and Jeremiah or some state school with the guarantee of being on volleyball was eating her alive. Back then, I would’ve told her not to lose sight of her dreams and life because of some boy, but here I was doing the same thing. I stayed quiet and let her decide what she wanted.

My mom was gone just like Steven. Away to talk about her book with other critically acclaimed writers and producers. My dad was out of the picture. He wouldn’t be back until Christmas morning. He was never really present after the divorce, but he’s a good man and he tries his best. He just works a lot. It hurts to not be able to enjoy the holidays like I used to, but I can respect why everyone’s away.

Somehow, I end up in Stevens drivers seat. I’ve never had a car of my own. While Steven spent weeks searching the internet for a cheep car, I spent my time studying for finals and applying to colleges. I never had the time. He gave me his keys before he left. He said I could take his car anywhere I wanted as long as I didn’t ruin it. Each dent in it, I would owe him ten bucks. It wasn’t much, but to a struggling college student, ten dollars in my bank account might as well have been him asking for hundreds.

“Belly, I’m heading out. Call me if you need me, okay? I might not be back for awhile.” The words I chose were ominous. I didn’t tell her where I was going, why I was going or how long I’d be exactly, but she didn’t care enough to ask. So I climbed into Stevens car and let my playlist shuffle. I imagine myself in the situations my favorite artists write about and sing along like I can relate to their upper class parties and juvenile activities. It keeps my mind off of where I’m going.

It’s not like I got in the car set on heading to the one place that once swore to never step foot near again, but when I recognize the signs on the highway pointing me in the same direction, I’m suddenly set on it.

The sting of the breakup lingered like a tattooed kiss, a reminder of something so special that was now gone. I wouldn’t let him ruin the place that was once so special to our families.

Pulling up to that driveway, I remember how the weeds would grow over the gravel by July and how Steven and Jeremiah would stay out for hours plucking at them to make Susannah happy. How the grass held the imprints of our small bodies rolling around the hills and daffodils. The sand was forever glued into the fabric of our favorite t-shirts and the salt air is what we smelled of until December washed it away.

We were always so close here. Despite the rifts and the problems that happened between us. Not blow out fight or silent treatment could ever separate the Conklin’s and the Fishers from each other for long.

I looked back on how I felt at home. How together was something that I never even questioned. Steven would be by the fireplace yelling at the television and Belly would be begging him to quiet down. Laurel would be curled up in the corner scribbling things into a notepad and dad would try to sneakily move the elf on the shelf.

We were older now. The wii wasn’t all that special and Belly longed for the chaos she once hated. Steven preferred his friends and mom and dad fell out of love so mom could learn to love her work more.

I pulled into the large house through the garage. I knew the code by heart, it was my phone passcode. I figured that if I wanted to stay attached to homeliness so badly I could be where I learned what love was the best.

In my head, even now I always believed that no matter how long it would go untouched, the summer home would always be bright and warm. Smelling of Susannah’s candles and Belly’s sticky iced teas.

Stepping through the front door, it was dark and cold. My breath was less visible than in the outside, but the light and heat didn’t bounce from wall to wall like it always did.

It took me a few minutes to find the correct switch to turn up the heat. I cranked it until my socks burned on my feet and a sweat covered the top of my forehead. It was comfortable, I could sink into my own chunky sweater.

It was my mothers, the blue and white striped sweater I wore. She was gifted it by Susannah in their late college years but it never quiet fit her because she was so short. It fit big, but it didn’t sag at my knees or gather at my wrists as much. It smelled like my mom and reminded me of Pennsylvania skies.

The warmth from the heat and the comfort from my clothes set me in a slump, my eyes drooped. I hadn’t even turned on any lights yet, hadn’t gone up to my room to make the bed. I was sat in place on the permanently indented couch. Though my body curled into the spot where I always laid during movie nights, my head fell where Conrad’s lap would’ve been. To imagine we were all just as happy, as close made me feel fuzzy. If I tried hard enough I could even hear his voice. Calling for me, like a dream.

The sun peaked through the windows and the dust that collected on the once neatly kept glass projected tiny shadows and spots across the hardwood floor. The couch was warm with my body heat and other than the faint whisper of the wind, it was peaceful.

A melodic whistle blowed through the open gap between the living room and the kitchen. It was smooth yet broke when the song grew too high for the deeper voice that carried the tune.

Rubbing at my eyes, my feet swung out from under my thighs, I wiped away any drool or signs of slumber. Still, clearing my complexion did not rid my body of the tired achey feeling and the small blurring of my vision. My brain was following behind my body, every caution sign to who was here at this time thrown to the wind.

Mugs clanked together clumsily, my nose burned with the strong scent of coffee beans. It was chillier in the morning here than how I had left it at night, I could feel the tip of my nose turning red and growing colder.

A taller boy stood hunched over the countertops, a spoon clinking around softly as he stirred around something in the mug. His shirt hung loose on his body but his pants fit just right.

His hair was wavy, but only just at the ends. Under the strong smells of early morning caffeine, I could faintly still pick up the scent of sea salt and a spice I couldn’t name. It was vanilla like but also had a lingering smell of oak and woods. It was my favorite smell.

“Conrad..?” It clicked in my brain that the handsome boy hanging around the summer home wasn’t some pick me up sent from heaven. The reason behind my instant admiration for such a simple, domestic task was because of how well I knew and once loved the boy. The name fell from my lips quietly, like I couldn’t believe it was true.

Spinning around, I met his blue eyes. I watched his lips twitch, fighting against some kind of emotion from spreading across his face and the light in his eyes falter. He looked blank, unaware of how his lack of enthusiasm of our reuniting was crushing me inside.

“Figured you’d want coffee.” He was right. He still knew me like the back of his own hand and that was the worst part. I hadn’t changed, I never would. He would always know me and it hurt to know I trusted him like that at one point just for him to leave. He even made it in my favorite mug.

A light blue ceramic mug that still had Belly and Conrad’s fingerprints in the clay and visible brush strokes across the top. They made it for me when we were still little. It was my favorite gift from her because they made it as an apology. For breaking my old vase I made for my mom in art class. They meant to harm and felt horrible, I cherished their kindness more than anything.

“No…no. I’m all set.” Crossing my arms and clearing my throat, I set my eyes on the ground and leaned against the doorframe on the wall. We didn’t speak after that, he didn’t move. Sucking in his lips, I heard him sigh almost disappointedly.

“So…” He tried to start, I was too scared to listen. Not of him, god I could never be scared of him. But of what he could want to say.

My eyes flicked over the dents in the floor, I discovered marks I hadn’t seen before. Just when I thought I had everything memorized. When I thought I knew everything, when I thought I knew him.

“You know, uhm…I think I’m going to settle in.” Nodding at him quickly, I all but ran to the stairs. My hands gripped at the banister so quickly, I felt skin pull skin. It tore just under my fingers beginning, the top of my palm. I swore I heard him call after me, but maybe it was the ringing in my ears.

I came here to get away. In search of some solace, I grasped at the tattered strands of my childhood to find that I had held on too long. In my own journey, by some sort of fate, I dragged along a deeper part of those memories with me.

I spent that morning stowed away in my bedroom. I left the door ajar. The air was chilly still, and the air dusty. The heat had rarely been used. Only on the rare occasions in which Susannah would find reason to escape down to the beautiful town of Cousins. Simply to watch the early snowfalls or sparkling lights decorating the center of the town. Usually when I would get settled into my own room in the summer home, each knickknack would be thrown carelessly over the bureau top and shoved in the forever empty bedside table drawers. I would procrastinate making my bed last. I hated the damned fitted sheets and the wrinkles I couldn’t flatten for days. I hated the way that the corners never stayed. My body stretched as far as it would go, yet I could never quiet hook the fabric far enough to keep it settled.

Today was no different. My blood boiled the same, but it mixed with an unfamiliar warmth. How endearing it was to be able to relive such a memorable moment of my summers again even after tragedy struck the once uniting household.

“Fuck.” The sheets flipped up. The full sized mattress was far too wide to allow my arms to stretch across the full width of its body and hook the corners over far enough to where they wouldn’t slip. Each move resulted in a different kind of release with the bedsheets. Each time I ended up wrapped up in the thin cotton sheets.

The clock ticking on my bedside table taunts me. Reminds me of how long I’ve been tangled around in my bed. If it weren’t so humiliating, I would’ve asked for help. But I created a mess. My feelings, one’s that Conrad had so clearly buried as he was able to be kind and cordial towards me while I panicked like a fish out of water. So I hop around from corner to corner desperate to finish my task.

“Y/n?” The name burns the way it rolls off of his tongue. Like even with me gone, he had practiced pronouncing it in the mirror, whispered it to himself each night. It was like we’d seen each other the day before, the way it came out. Breathless and light.

The moon hung over the house, illuminating thin strips of shine through the windows that led from the floor to the very bed I was sprawled across.

Sighing heavily, I threw my head back. Hair fell in front of my face, tickling the bridge of my nose. I saw Conrad hesitate. His hand flinched out from where it was tucked behind the doorframe. He set it on the white wood frame.

“Can I help?” It was innocent enough. Maybe he was sick of the sound of my knees rubbing against the mattress. Or the way I grunted every few minutes. I stumbled around my room all day fixing it up, I almost forgot how loud it could’ve been.

It felt sour to accept it. Even if it were as innocent and kind as it seemed. Conrad had a glimmer of hope in his eye and his lips upturned. He looked so handsome still, nose pinker from the slight chill and eyes still just as deep blue.

“No thank you.” I huffed. I tried to sound annoyed, something that was hard to do when you weren’t really all that annoyed at all. Resistant was the only similar thing I could place a name to. I saw the wag Conrad’s smile faltered, his eyes looming with a dark shadow, masking the vibrant sparkle.

“Come on, don’t be so stubborn, please? You’ve been at it for hours, just let me help.” Stubborn. Just like my mother and his. Each of us were always set to do things on our own. But this was far more than just genetics at this point. This was my own grudge I was holding. This was my pride and my responsibility over my emotions acting. No matter how nice the gesture, I still refused, gnashing my teeth.

“Oh, so suddenly you care?” It was a lot more mean than I meant it. I know how much Conrad cares. How much he always has. He doesn’t have the best way to show for it, but in the end you always know it. It was a mistake, an instant regret. I watched how his face contorted. He wasn’t just disappointed now, but genuinely hurt by my own dig at his insecurities.

His whole life, Conrad always feared he wasn’t enough. He couldn’t give enough, couldn’t be enough. He always talked himself down, creating a false standard in which everyone else was above him, out of his league. He was insecure. He didn’t need reassurance, he knew what kind of love was real and what was fake, but the fact that maybe I had thought the same crushed him. I could tell.

His silence hung over us so heavy, a knife could slice it. His jaw stuttered and his eyes blinked slow. A loss for words. I wish he could just yell at me. Fuel my fire, make me feel less bad about what I said. Less guilty about the fact I couldn’t get over us when he could. Conrad didn’t deserve my emotional daggers directed at his heart simply because we split. I know Conrad, I always have. His method of leaving was cruel, but the boys heart was in the right place always.

“Fuck!” The sheet snapped back. I had enough. In all seriousness, I should’ve stopped to talk to the boy who was so clearly hurt by the door. A girl, a guest in a house that once felt just as much as hers as his was there in a now occupied room throwing insults unprovoked when he was trying to be nice.

Standing, I stumbled past him clumsily again, taking a spare blanket that hung off the end of the bed with me. I couldn’t take it. His stares, the silence, the sheet, my own guilt, my thoughts. I needed to be out of that sickened room.

“Y/n…” Again, the call was faint. A whisper in my head whose only goal was to make me stop. I didn’t turn. It was unfair, the whole thing. To me, to Conrad. I decided to sleep on the couch.

My back ached. The plush cushioning under my back too soft, too worn in. A good remedy, a great place for a quick nap. But it hurt after more than a few hours. The fabric rubbed harshly, the pillows sunk in. My hips popped when I stood.

The sun was shining through the windows, air crisp. Heat finally reached all corners of the large house and the cob webs were finally swept away. The magic of summer wasn’t there, but it felt homely. A good alternative to the sad loneliness of my own bedroom at home.

The house was still, the kitchen untouched and an empty mug in the sink. It was stained in a ring from where the old drink had been and had little brown streaks from where the coffee dripped off of the sides. The counter tops were cold, despite the heat inside. The floor was quiet, there was no shuffling. It led me to believe that the only other occupant was still asleep.

Heading up the stairs, I picked at my old clothes. The discomfort came from multiple things. The way my clothes stuck to my body, my teeth didn’t feel right in my mouth. My hair was knotted. I looked fine, but nothing felt right. The only way to describe it was that when waking up after a rough couple of nights, it felt like my skin didn’t fit right over my bones.

My door was wide open. The hinges bent all the way back, the light bled through the curtains. My already slow steps came to a halt when the threshold fell behind my legs. My bed was decorated with the same blue floral design it always had during the summers.

The pillows were placed where I always had them, and my blankets were hung so neat on the bottom of my bed. My fingers ran over the soft fabric like it wasn’t really mine. Like I was admiring a sample from a store, wishing it were mine. It was always so pretty.

My thumb hooked over the folded edge very carefully. I didn’t want to mess with the perfectly made bed. More importantly, I didn’t want to crease the remaining hand prints that laid in the center of the bed.

The plushy duvet left residue from bigger hands. Spread along the bends, from the center down. Proof that someone had truly tried their best to perfect it.

Looking under the top, not only had each layer been placed, but the fitted sheet. I could see it now with all its layers peeled back. The thought that even after my initial attempts to push away, to be mean, to hurt him, that Conrad had still wanted to help me made me feel warm. I wasn’t sure why my heart was fluttering for a boy I swore I hated. But my cheeks were red and my knees felt weak. I always did love his acts of service.

I didn’t plan on showering, but my skin was sticky with sleep and my heart was pounding too fast. I hated the fact that Conrad was too good for everyone in his own special ways. I hated the way he still cared and the way he remained so observant even in our absence. Most of all, I hate the way I reach for his shampoo in the shower. Longing for the scent of him to linger on me for just a little longer. How funny it is that we’ve changed so quickly and yet not at all. We used to share our hair products. He kept a hair tie for me in his bedside table. I had a drawer of clothes in his room, he had some in my closet. He went from my everything to just something in my life. Yet, with all this change I still reach for the familiarities of what we once had. My hand still searches the shower for his conditioner. My feet still take me to his door to find a shirt I like. What we had is gone, crushed under the weight of our separation, but my muscle memory pulls me back. The heart is a muscle, one that forever beats for Conrad Fisher.

I sit in the corner for longer than I lather the soap across my skin. My body is curled up against the cold tiles. I feel pathetic doing so. How small I’ve made myself. Not only mentally, but physically. I feel weak at how little self control I have. I think back on the past year of my life and I regret each decision I’ve made leading me here suddenly.

Was I not enough for Conrad? I know it’s not his reasoning behind his leaving, but I feel like the theory becomes more and more plausible the longer I think back on how lonely I’ve been. So stuck on my own problems, I forget how little I see my family. How Belly has grown without me. Her friends, her lovers. She is independent, she knows her path. Steven has matured. He understands feelings, he’s valedictorian. His brains lead him through life, he no longer comes to me at midnight to ask for help with math. I no longer review his essays or read his made up stories in the living room. We are two different siblings who once spent every moment together. My mother is nose deep in her own promotion with her books. She is succeeding while my father is going on dates and moving on. I am stuck in the same spot, forever thinking of the past, I can not move on.

I am scared by the knowledge that my family is no longer dependent on me. A scab is forming over the wound of the fact that Conrad has left, I am not needed. I hope the warm water fading into a cooler drizzle will hide the way my eyes are puffy and red. The streaks of water on cheeks will become streams of the shower. I am strong and resistant like my parents, but I am scared to admit that I have real fears. Ones that control my life. I will never tell them how I breakdown, how my heart is breaking and I am falling off the pedestal.

It’s more lively now then it was just an hour ago. The birds are gone, on vacation away in the warmer weather while the cold covers New England in a chilling blanket. I hear the mugs clattering from the hallways and the soft humming passing through his pink lips. He hears me before he sees me.

“Coffee?” He motioned to the brown liquid, steaming while it poured into the glass pitcher. Rubbing beneath my eyes, I could feel the weight of my eye bags heavy on my skin. My throat was coarse, hands aching from how hard I had grasped onto the shower walls. I hid behind the island counter on the stool. My body curled up into the baggy clothes covering my body, my knees hugging into my chest as close as possible.

“Yes, please.” I mumbled softly, trying not to show any weaknesses. Conrad knew me better than that. The way my lip twitched into a fake smile, how my eyes were more avoidant that usual. Even in my heavy feelings, my eyes were always drawn to him. I was closing myself off.

A beat passed. Conrad’s attempt at conversation had fallen short, right by my feet.

“How’d you sleep?” He turned to me, freshly brewed coffee sloshing around in the same mug as yesterday. He placed it in front of me, but he turned away again to pour his own cup. It wasn’t to further distance himself, creating a divide all while I was shutting down, but to give me room to breathe in a space I was so clearly suffocating in.

“It was okay.” I sighed, hand holding my head, my eyes closed. I imagined myself laid with my back pressed against plush pillows and my childhood bedroom fairy lights hanging over my head. It was still winter, but the atmosphere in my daydream felt of summer.

“I’m glad, then. That it wasn’t so bad, I mean.” He corrected himself, afraid of a wrath inside of me that didn’t exist to him anymore. It never really had, my emotions had only been misplaced yesterday.

Often I’ve been told that my words shoot to kill when I’m mad. I insult and belittle myself more than others, but my mother has no problem with bringing up the few times I targeted my feelings at Steven or Belly. How little I made them feel, how guilty I felt. I threw up once, after yelling at Steven. He hadn’t cared for it, fighting was what siblings did. But remembering how I tried to hurt him made me sick. I felt the same after insulting Conrad.

Nodding my head, I pursed my lips into a thin line. My eyes blinked away any dryness, I inhaled a deep breath.

“Hey, uhm…thank you, by the way.” I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands, hovering over the cup of coffee to revel in the hot steam hitting my face.

Conrad turned around, leaning against the counter. His hands pressed up behind him, firm but his face was soft, glad.

“I shouldn’t have…you didn’t deserve that.” My eyes flickered between the floor and the folding of my sleeves over my thumbs. My skin was cold, my hair wet on the back of my neck. I had a lump in my throat.

“Y/n?” His voice was gentle, closer than before. I saw his elbows press against the counter top, just mere inches away. I felt even more awkward, littler than before somehow.

I hummed. But the coarseness in my throat made it come out as more of a rumble. I choked on the growing lump, my nose burned.

“We don’t have to avoid each other.” He said it like that was so easy. Like everything was resolved by him simply stating that he didn’t want to face the consequences of our actions.

“I know.” I brought the edge of the mug to my lips and blew. Steam clouded my vision, the wet heat felt nice on my cheeks.

“Y/n.” He said more firmly.

He wasn’t angry, but he wanted my attention. My eyes flickered up to his. They were darker now. Swarmed with so many emotions, it was hard to grasp onto what he was feeling. I set the mug down.

“Please don’t avoid me.” He begged more softly, his hand hesitated to reach out to me. Once they clasped around mine, it was almost relieving. Having something familiar to ground me while I was only working myself up. “I miss you, I miss us. We were best friends and we haven’t even spoken in…I don’t even know how long. This, this is stupid. To be running in circles like this?”

“That’s easy for you to say.” This time, my words weren’t angry. They broke apart when I spoke. The sentence was raw, the lump in my throat broke through my clenched teeth and my nose heated up in an intense burn. My eyes were heavy, working hard to keep any tears at bay. Again, here I find myself in a different spot, practicing the same habits. I stand in front of Conrad angry, ready to hurt his ego and pierce a hole through his heart just to ease my own mind.

I wanted exactly what he did, to be as close. I missed him more than anything in my life ever, but it wasn’t so simple. He pleaded my name again, I pulled my hands out of his. His fingers were like a barbed wire. It suddenly stung to have him touching me.

“I just wish you would’ve acknowledged it, you know? I mean look at me, look at us. You’re fine, you’re happy. I can’t even look at you without wanting to cry.” When our hearts broke, they broke uneven. Conrad was left with a bruise why I was facing the pain of a bleeding scar across my own. He had been the one to cause the rift, he had been the one to bring up everyone’s insecurities, use them against our relationship.

“Y/n.” He whispered, reaching out to me again. I stood from the stool, keeping my distance. My tears were hot, they burned into my skin.

“You couldn’t even stand me, Conrad! And I couldn’t see it before, but I can now. You couldn’t even text me, no. No, but that’s not the worst part. Maybe it’s the fact that you couldn’t even show up to Stevens graduation because I was there.” He sighed, ready to defend himself. I look back on all the disappointed faces, I remember the way Steven frowned at that empty seat beside me and I feel angry.

“Do you know how hard it is to tell your baby brother that his hero couldn’t make it to his graduation because he can’t even stand to be around me? Do you know how sad he was when he started to walk up to the podium and saw your seat was empty? I recorded it and sent it to you, did you know that? I wasn’t going to, I didn’t think you deserved to have a part in one of the most important parts in Stevens life, but he begged me to. Tried to make me send it twice so you’d get it.” I took a deep breath, wiping away the tears by my eyes, more spilled. My face was wet with salt water and red with anger.

“So why don’t we go back to how things were before after you’ve fucked it all up!”

“It’s really fucking unfair of you to act like this hasn’t affected me at all either!” He finally shot back. He was never one to yell. Conrad always had some sort of control over his composure. He never yelled, he hated yelling.

“How, how can you say that after you’ve done nothing to fix anything!” Walking closer to him, I saw how he turned away to grip the counter between his fingers.

“People deal with shit differently, Y/n. Grow up!” He yelled. His eyes were wild, it should’ve scared me. But god, him telling me to grow up after all he put me through only made me angrier. I was fragile already. But not as a flower, but a bomb.

“Fuck you, Conrad.” My voice was shaky, but firm. I didn’t yell, my lack of volume was almost scarier than my inevitable rage. He looked up at me, it was like watching him realize how his words had betrayed him. He hadn’t meant for us to fight, to talk like this. He wanted to fix things. He wanted me back.

“Y/n.” He shook his head, walking closer to me, he bent away from the edges of the island to reach me quicker. His voice was laced with pity

“Stop saying my name!” I backed away, feet catching on the threshold, I slowed myself down. Each time he said it, it pulled on my heartstrings. How could he be so selfish to not even be able to see all the pain I’ve been put through!

“I’ve missed you ever since I left you! You think I don’t regret the way I treated you? I’m not naïve to my own stupidity, I know my mistakes, I’ve owned them. You were my everything, god you might as well have hung the stars!” He waved his hands around to animate what he was saying. It only stresses me out more.

“Then why? Why did you throw it all away!” My body began to crumble beneath me, my knees wobbled.

“Because I was scared! I was scared of losing you. I thought if I let myself become too obsessed, that if you decided to leave me I would never be able to get back up. I had to do it!” He confessed. It all made sense then. All my unanswered questions, all my insecurities of not being enough. Conrad hadn’t left because I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He left because he was scared of what would happen when I was gone. That he wasn’t enough.

“I wouldn’t have left you, Conrad. I wouldn’t have.” My palms hit my eyes, my knees started to give. A sob ripped through my throat. It hurt to breathe.

His arms were like a blanket. His hands still fit perfectly around my back. When he held me, it was tight. I knew it then that he wouldn’t be letting me go, not now. His shirt was wet with my tears, mine was wet with my hair. I felt stupid, naïve to think of Conrad in such bad ways when he had only been doing what he thought was best to protect his heart after loss after loss.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I repeated it like a prayer, I didn’t mean to be so mean. I didn’t want to be rude to him, I wanted him to be close to me always. His heart was beating out of his chest when he nodded. He knew I never meant to fight him. We were both entitled to our feelings, there was no reason in trying to apologize for how we reacted.

His hand lifted to my head, brushing through my hair. He gathered a chunk in his palm, his knuckles gripping at it. It didn’t hurt, he didn’t intend for it to. He was breathing me in, holding onto me in every which way possible.

“It’s going to be okay, we’re going to be okay.” My sobs were muffling themselves, quieting down into soft whimpers. It took a lot to even nod my head against his shirt. It smelled like him, and it was homely. I felt safer now than in our argument. Our words held no value anymore, I just hoped that what he said was true.

Holding her like that almost made things feel normal again. Having her hair in between my fingers and her waist pressed against mine. I wanted to revel in it, selfishly. But her sniffles and uneven breath only made me remember why I even got the privilege to hold her again.

Again and again, I watched her breakdown over a mistake I made. To protect myself. I swore it to her last winter, promised her that it would always be my favorite season because she was my favorite thing. I built up this trust and a love between us. It was when she left that I freaked out over what my mom said.

“I’ve never seen you so happy.” She had said, poncho bc my cheek between her fingers. Playfully, I pulled my face away.

“Yea?” I mused, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and watched the steady snowfall on the final night of winter through the window.

“The love bug’s got you.” She was right. I was so undeniably in love with Y/n. I would change everything in my life just to be with her always.

“What?” My eyes squinted from the way my eyebrows furrowed. She was still looking out into the snow.

“It’s okay to be in love, Connie.” She quickly turned to me and smoothed out my shirt. She sensed my confusion and stress. I knew I was in love with her, but the fact that it was that obvious, that clear made me worry.

“Everyone has their first love at some point.” With that she left. At some point. The words rung through my head. I knew that the first love was always the strongest, but this was not my first love. I had fallen for an ex-girlfriend in freshman year. She broke my heart. Why was the thought of Y/n leaving shattering mine completely?

The more I thought of us together then, the more I worried about her leaving. She was perfect for me, maybe. But could I even measure up to her perfection? Could I give her everything?

I was able to push that feeling away for a few weeks. But as winter turned to spring and the leave began to regrow, I couldn’t shake it. Distance was a thing I was only growing between us. Space, something I created so there was no way we could get hurt. I thought it was the right thing, then. I thought it was the right move for me to let her leave so easily. To watch her fight for me one last time and not react. I was giving her the chance for someone more, someone better. I didn’t know I was only breaking her heart in ways I worried I would break my own.

It was a guilt I lived with all these months. When she didn’t come up to cousins because she wasn’t feeling good, I knew why. I had avoided her like the plague after our last conversation, our first real fight. I couldn’t even show up for her family in one of their most important milestones. Now it seemed like we only fight now, or at least in these past couple hours.

My neck was stiff from how it leaned against the back of the couch. I hadn’t watched past the hour mark of the black and white movie Conrad had put on. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I no longer liked it.

The movie was all I watched when I was at my absolute worst. Not to say I wasn’t still there, I felt rock bottom beneath my feet, but I felt myself getting better slowly. I no longer spent each day rewatching the same film over and over to ease the pain and remind myself of a happier time. I hated the way they talked. I once found it romantic, but the old cracking in the sound and the fancy accents made me angry. None of it was real.

To Conrad, he only did what he thought I would like. He had no way of knowing of my new distaste to the movie. One I used to rave about for hours. Then again, he never asked.

Yawning, I felt a set of eyes on mine.

“Tired?” He asked, a small smile on his face. I waved him off.

“Nope.” I popped the ‘p.’ It was an easy lie, my dark circles and slouchy posture gave it away. There was no way to sell it. I was surprised when he didn’t push me on it. My eyes drooped, my cheek pressed to my lonely shoulder. I had no one to lean on. I curled into myself a little, all while silently telling myself I was awake.

A pillow hit my lip, I bit down a little but it didn’t hurt me. My eyes were wide open now, hair messed up around the top. My fly aways were all over the place, my eyes squinting.

“Hey!” Grabbing the corners of the pillow, I swung as hard as I could towards Conrad, the culprit. It his his chest, he groaned out in a heavy breath. The pillow was soft, I was sure it didn’t hurt. But he entertained the idea that it did by rubbing circles in his chest, wincing and hissing through his teeth. I rolled my eyes.

“Seriously?” I leaned back against the cushions again, placing the pillow comfortably over my lap. I heard him laugh. A real, genuine laugh. It felt like weight was lifted off of my back.

“What! That was one of my best performances.” He punched my shoulder. I shot him playful glares. He pushed at me again, begging for a reaction. I folded already, giving into his games and retaliating against his childish attacks. But I would not crumble so easily. I would not let him tease me and play me until I opened up again just hours after yet another fight. I worried that another would ensue.

Sitting up, I tossed the pillow back at him. The sound he made confirmed it had hit him in the face.

“Come on, where are you going?” I could hear the smile in his voice. It made me smile too, knowing he was happy.

“To bed, I am tired.” I didn’t look back, but I felt him watching.

I swore I heard words die on his tongue. A soft stutter to a dead silence. Like he wanted to protest but stopped himself somehow. He never saw me look back, but when I was turning to the stairs, I allowed myself a glimpse.

His eyes were spacey, lip pulled between his front teeth. His eyebrows furrowed. He was deep in thought, but I could see the disappointment in his face. He didn’t seem as full of life, as cheerful. We were rebuilding a childhood, best friend bond that was lost with in cracking of our foundations in the spring.

“Goodnight, Conrad.” I still hadn’t had the ability to carry a joke with him. To keep a conversation flowing without my emotions dying inside of me before I could get them out. I whispered my goodnight. I wanted him to know I still held a place in my heart for him, but part of me wanted to reserve that knowledge to only myself.

I was scared to be more than what was being proposed. The door was open, we were almost friends. It was an odd spot. We’d act like friends, joke like them, but we both knew what we had done, what had just happened. I would walk through the entrance if Conrad would allow it. If we could at least be close, even if his lips weren’t mine, even if his body wasn’t there for me to lean on anymore. I would live happily, I’d be able to put on a brave face and call myself his friend. I would stand by the alter, watching him find another love, burying the hatchet of our love for good and I would be okay, I decided. As long as I still had him. As long as I never had to feel as alone as I did this morning.

“They’re saying borderline blizzard conditions, Con. You don’t think we’ll need to go on a supply run, do you?” His back was turned to me, hands working over the pot of coffee skillfully. His thumb brushed against the glass, he hissed quietly and shook his hand off.

“I think you’re just overthinking it.” He payed my worry not attention. He knew this house better than I did. It would hold, that wasn’t the worry. We had no shovels, nothing to dig us out of snow were to block us in. I scoffed and rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. I made my way around the island, pushing myself off of the counter and into one of the stools perched under it.

“Coffee?” Conrad asked, ignoring my questions again. I gave into him, playing his game and being stubborn.

“What kind?” My fingers drew circles on the cold marble.

“Black.” He set the cup down in front of me, letting it come to a halt right in front of me. My eyes flickered to the coffee, a smirk fighting it’s way onto my cheeks.

“Like your soul?” Like your heart, is what I wanted to say. Something that used to come so easy, meaningless insults directed at him not to make him sad, but to make him smile. I still hadn’t answered by question, though. If I were to direct a remark at his heart, would it weigh too much under the cracking foundation of our recovering friendship? I still wondered if he would laugh at that and go along with it.

Conrad laughed, looking out the window and admiring the sky. He didn’t respond, but he never really had when I’d make those jokes. Usually he would laugh or tell me it was a good one. He sighed lightly.

“I walked right into that one.” He smiled down at his coffee now, holding the mug loose with the handle dangling between his fingers.

When silence took over the room, it wasn’t uncomfortable. We welcomed it. We were alone with our thoughts and for once, they weren’t twisted and heavy. Only happy memories and thoughts of old habits.

In my mind, I dreamed of times where I knew what to say after making a joke. What I could do to counter a snarky remark and his laughter. I always knew what to say to him, when and why. I knew what made him tick. I still knew how to set him off, I believe that once you have the ability to get under someone’s skin, you never truly lose it. Either you continue to poke at the wounds that hurt them so, or your presence is able to remind them of it. Yet, with all the loss in my every heartbeat, somewhere along the way I forgot how to keep him happy.

Conrad’s footsteps snapped me out of my clouded haze. My eyes snapped up from the counter to his face. He didn’t look at me, but stayed focused on his coffee.

“Glad to know you still got it.” His eyes flicked to me, I swear I saw him wink. It was so quick, my words died in a pathetic stutter. I smiled stupidly at him, I couldn’t even pretend to be snarky. It caught me off guard, somehow. My walls were torn down now, the barrier of anger and sadness I kept up around him to keep us apart gone with our last fight and heart to hearts. The devils in the details, but somehow it didn’t feel as deep, as life changing anymore.

It was like he knew I couldn’t think of something to promise to him. To keep us going. He surely hadn’t lost it.

I tried to rationalize everything recently. But it felt like it took over my life. I’d almost forgotten about Belly and Steven. How they’d been so quick to shut me out simply because someone had offered me a place to be wanted for a moment. Conrad always knew when to swoop in to save me. I could help but talk myself down every so often and convince myself that Conrad is not made of Angel dust. He simply is a man, and a smart one at that. All of this could be just to butter me up, I know it’s always an outcome. A way to win me back, but never want me the same. It poisons me to think about him that way, I know him. He would never play me to become the good guy.

My mind has no middle line. Constantly wavering between my lover, the man I see as the sky and the seas. I see him as a perfect lipstick stain to a white collar, uggs in the fall, hot chocolate in the winter. He is all things I love and yet I still fight. The other part of me fights my heart to keep my distance. How just hours ago I told myself the hate I had for Conrad was always going to be just that, irreversible hurt that he caused. It’s the sweetest torture I could bare in the fact that really, by the end of it my mind is set on just getting to be with him again. No matter what his games are.

It’s pathetic, but my heart strings pull a little whenever I hear his footsteps upstairs. When I can tell if he’s coming to see me or not. I like knowing he likes to be around me once more. It almost covers up the fact that he hurt me so bad. I’m not idiot, however. I wish I were in some cases, but I’m not blinded completely by my love. With every advance, I find a way to make it platonic. He’s my friend.

He said he missed me, our friendship bond. I know that he is a man of his word. I should not work myself up, I shouldn’t expect so much. I shouldn’t jump into his arms because he says go. I think rationally, I use my head. I let my heart race and my cheeks flush but ultimately my brain will stop me from messing about again. So part of me finds it sad when the power goes out later that day. For both the house and myself. It’s childish how quickly I jump in search of Conrad. I have to remind myself not to hold onto him, not to yell I told you so.

I call for his name quietly through the halls, feeling the chipping paint under my finger tips. It’s still fresh, but bumpy. A previous project of Susannah’s from when her paint brushes never seemed to dry out. It’s hard to tell if she never finished her projects that summer. Or even if she never finished any.

In the dark, it’s almost more clear to see where her brush strokes end. Where the moonlight illuminates the white and blues, you can see the divides between old and new. God, if she were any less attentive it would surely be the end of this house. It was in great condition, but some things were out of place, uncared for simply because Susannah’s mind went a mile a minute.

Smiling, I let my hands run over the wall, feet planting on the cold wood. I could feel it through my socks, with the lights out and the heat stuttering to a halt.

“Y/n/n, hey.” He sounded breathless, coming up from behind me. I hadn’t even noticed the stomping of his feet up the staircase as my fingers danced along the wall. So caught up in the past I find it that sometimes I forget that I’m living in my present. Looking around my metaphorical room in my mind, I see my chosen family. I see his brother as mine, his mother as mine. I see myself as a child again running through the sand and tracking mud through the dining room.

I know deep down I can not keep holding on, keep on keeping myself back. I can never give Conrad peace, but I can give him my sunshine, my best. He would always have a friend in me. I set my heart free then, fingers stuck to the wall, eyes flickering to my feet. I let go of my heart break and my solemn silences I throw at my loved ones for guilt. I let my walls down, I take Conrad’s hand, and I shake my head. His smile is warm, his eyes loving. He still needs me, he always has. He still loves me and my heart is racing. I finally feel like I have him back.

“You okay?” Back in reality, I’m aware that I’m not actually holding onto his hand, and Conrad isn’t really smiling at me. My heart is still in its cage and I have fallen victim to my own mind again. Conrad is not mine.

Clearing my throat, I lick at the corners of my lips. When I shake my head this time, I know it’s real because Conrad is looking at me questioningly. He is not in love with me, he is not drooling over me. The power is still out and our muddy footprints mean nothing to him anymore.

“We blew a fuse, but the generators dead. We’re just going to have to stick it out.” I nodded again, looking up at him with doe eyes. My lips were glossy with a sheen coat of spit from how much I licked them, but at them nervously. Yet, he didn’t even spare me a glance. It was almost like he was waiting on something.

“You can say it.” He finally sighed.

“Say what?” His eyes caught mine, seeing just how intently my eyes focused on his dimples and the bridge of his nose decorated with delicate freckles. I cleared my throat.

“You told me so.” He smiled, punching my shoulder playfully. He could tell my mind was drifting, he could see it, I saw the way his eyes softened. My gentle smile turned into a shit-eating grin.

A beat passed, he continued waiting on me in the dark room. I liked it in some odd ways. Enjoyed having him waiting on me for once. It wasn’t the same. How my heart waited for his apologies for so long, how I expected it because I knew one day he would come back to me to make things right in his own way. But somehow, his desire for my once overlooked jokes and brushed off comments made my cheeks warm. Like more than me in this moment, he wanted the normal us back.

“Are you going to…” He voice trailed off, my feet picked up against the cold wood floor.

“Why don’t you start the fire? I’m going to get some blankets.” I tucked the hair behind my ear, practically running to the staircase. He nodded, not that I could see it, but the silence confirmed that he had forgotten that I couldn’t truly see his nod. That along with a soft hum of approval from him.

“Oh, and Conrad.” He hummed again. His eyes glistened in the moonlight, shining brighter than any other object standing in the hallway. He waited on me patiently, slowly inching closer.

“I told you so.”

The best of blankets and pillows sprawled put along the living room floor helped to further nestle us against the foot of our white couch. The snowfall and the storm felt less like an inconvenience but a gift.

I was reminded of my childhood. Of first snowfalls and broken ice skates. Red noses and icy hair. I remember how even after the facade of perfect holidays and new years kisses faded into nothing more than a dream, how my heart still soared with excitement each coming fall. How I couldn’t wait to see the snowy powder decorating my front lawn. I get reminded of why I drove so long to see Conrad. Of his warm hugs and his soft mittens. Wearing his hats and stumbling around in the backyard. I feel less hurt by the company than I once did a few days ago. I feel blessed that by some miracle, fate had string Conrad and I back together. That his hands would forever paint my hands in a gentle love we only held, and his whispers of senseless jokes he mumbled tiredly were only mine to laugh at.

The fire crackled, roaring feverishly through the night. The snow and wind pounded against the sides of the house, and despite the chills running through my toes and my fingers, I felt warmer inside than before, rekindling our inside jokes and fueling ourselves for even more.

Soon, our soft laughter and ongoing conversations died out. Our eyes glued to the flames, I tried to catch a glimpse into Conrad’s eyes. I wanted to know what the fire would look like reflected into his blue eyes. Instead, I caught his gaze locked onto my face.

I felt embarrassed, in a way. Vulnerable under his gaze. I felt my cheeks heat up and my body tingle. I felt like a school girl again.

“Y/n/n.” He called for me softly. The only way I was sure that he’d even said it was the fact that my eyes were so trained in his pink lips. I nodded slowly.

“Why did you come down here? Why now?” Even though the question was serious, I couldn’t help but to smile at his curiosity in my life.

Taking a deep breath, I watched his flat face turn into a welcoming grin.

“Lately, I’ve just been caught up in the past, I guess. I’m just so used to coming home every winter to Steven and Belly in the living room already fighting. And my dad and mom arguing about what decorations playfully.” Conrad laughed like he could picture it. He’d never really been in my house during the holidays. Sure, the Fisher family would stop by every few months when the distance became too much, but holiday’s were usually spent apart.

“I guess when I came home this year and that wasn’t there, I kind of freaked a little. I mean, Steven just left, Belly was too caught up in her own life to care about what I wanted to do, how much time we had left. My dad was too busy to stop by and…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I almost allowed the words to slip, how the final straw was that even with the mess of my family, at least at one point I had Conrad. I had his gentle hands and his quiet promises to hold onto. When everything went to hell, it was like losing the last bit of peace. “I wanted to be somewhere I wouldn’t feel alone, I guess.” I replaced my words with this. Hoping he’d understand how much he meant to me, how much all of it meant to me.

The single puff of air coming harshly through his mouth in a sigh reminded me just how close we were. How I could feel each word falling from his lips fanning over my shoulder. We were sharing a blanket, so close yet our bodies so far.

“Y/n.” He sounded more serious. During my confession, I found a home in the floorboards. Feeling safer confessing to the air than to a man who destroyed me not so long ago. My eyes hesitated to meet his, but I could see just how serious he was.

“I regret what happened between us more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I know I can’t reverse that, but please never say you are alone. I swear to you, no matter what, I’m there.” It was rare to hear such thing from Conrad. Maybe a grunt of a hug to assure my feelings were always appreciated. But I could see the sincerity in his face, his voice was dripping with guilt. He meant it, every word.

Nodding my head, I silently thanked him. I watched his eyes search my face. How his lips parted but shut quickly. He decided against continuing, but it was like an unspoken apology was being said between us in that moment.

With gravity pulling us together, it was only in my nature to protect my heart. I had to rip us apart before I gave in without knowing if we’d ever be the same. If I kissed him and it was just a winter fling, I couldn’t take another heartbreak.

So, in our silence, I moved my hand between us. The pad of my thumb brushing away the charcoal from the fire dusting just under his cheek. I watched how he shivered and backed away, eyes fluttering shut. All while I bit at my lip, delicate in the way I rubbed away the dust.

“Are my hands cold?” I remained focused in on him, my lips curled into a smile seeing his reaction to my touch, how he shivered but didn’t complain. He nodded his head slowly, but his eyes were still closed.

I saw how his eyebrows furrowed, it wasn’t from discomfort, but in the low light it was hard to tell. My hand curled away, ready to ease the coldness off of his skin. I didn’t expect his own hand to cover mine, holding it against his now rosy cheeks.

“Feels nice.” He mumbled almost drowsily. His eyes still hidden behind his eyelids, his other hand found mine aimlessly, gently pressing it to his other cheek. I felt his weight sink into my palms, reveling in my touch.

The band suddenly snapped. All the tension, all the build up. He was right there, so eager, so gentle. I had to know if he was still the same boy I loved not too long ago. He had set me up for an old joke.I always wondered if I could still joke with him like this. It still gnawed at me some nights.

“It’s because you’re cold hearted.” I expected him to laugh, I hoped he would. But instead, he smiled just as genuine as his old laughter, melting into my touch more than I thought he could ever. I hadn’t been able to predict what he would tell me. Couldn’t have read his lips even if I could see into the future.

“For everyone else, maybe. But not for you.” He was as honest as a man could be. With his eyelashes fluttering open, I could see it in his eyes now. How they looked back at me wide and awake. I felt my stomach flip. There was something there I had previously missed. Dancing along with the glowing of the fire in his irises, was the same spark he once carried when I was his and he was mine.

I didn’t even get to challenge it, teasing him and making him repeat his confessions. My lips stuttered on the first syllable, just before his hands smushed my cheeks with the force of how he grabbed me. He was firm, but not aggressive. He could never hurt me.

His lips molded against mine perfectly in my mind. He tasted like mint and hot chocolate. My hands tangled in his hair, his palms flat against my waist. With so little space between us, so much fever and pent up frustration, air became harder and harder to get. With each touch of his fingers, it was like tiny fires being sparked across my body.

He hadn’t even had to tell me what he felt then. Neither did I. In that moment my walls crumbled beneath my feet. All resistance was gone. In Conrad’s grasp, I felt less alone.

I knew it then. To Conrad, my mind games I played on myself, my temper and the storms that would inevitably cloud up my sunniest days, the fact that I could never give him peace did not matter. We would always be enough.

#conrad fisher #conrad fisher angst #conrad x reader #tsitp conrad #conrad x you #tsitp s2 #tsitp x reader #tsitp x y/n #fisher x reader #team conrad #conrad fisher x y/n #conrad fisher x you #conrad fisher x reader

[calxia]

I hope your illness isn't hitting you too hard!

I've been reading your angst over and over and damn it's the good stuff

What I've been thinking about is for Aether to learn of the shit that's been going down with Phantom and the pack (if Aether's still around, and not.. yk)..

In my own headcannons, I see Quintessence ghouls as a social species, so I feel as though this would be a harder hit to Aether and cause for the whole 'excuse me what the fuck' to go down amongst the pack

Again, I hope you're feeling better soon, being sick really sucks

Thank you for your concern! It's just my luck that I'd be sick for my birthday but thankfully I'm starting to feel better now (right when my paid leave from work is about to finish ofc)

In my head, the reason they needed to replace Aether is because of something like a disease outbreak at another branch of the church that required some skilled quintessence ghouls to be sent over. So, Aether and Omega are absent because they have been sent to help at another church. This is also partly why Phantom spends his first few weeks so alone, because traditionally newly summoned ghouls are cared for by their respective element groups. Especially for at least their first-week surface side, they'd spend all their time in a nest with others of their element as they acclimate to the change.

Before Aether departed, he made sure to ask the pack to care for the new ghoul that was due to be summoned while he and Omega were unable to. The whole time he is busy trying to fend off the disease outbreak with Omega, he is so sure that the new Quint ghoul will be properly cared for by their pack. All the clips of the new bug flourishing on stage also helped cement their idea that Phantom was being properly integrated and finding his place in the pack.

So, imagine his surprise when they are finally able to return to the ministry and their packs and the new ghoul is nowhere to be seen as all the other band ghouls greet him fondly. Nobody can answer him when he asks why his fellow quintessence ghoul hadn't joined them to greet him, which just makes his concern grow even more. Before he can search for him, he's whisked away to finish up some paperwork and it slips from his mind.

When he later joins the others for dinner, there's still no sign of Phantom. Aether's concern is at peak levels by this point so he straight away sets out to find him. He finds Phantom in his designated room.

The room is empty and lacks any smells of other pack members. Phantom has no nest or even any bedding on his bed and is instead curled up on the wooden floors under the bed frame.

Aether is furious. He put so much trust in his pack to welcome this young ghoul and instead, they'd just abandoned him and pushed him out of the group. He storms back to where the rest of the ghouls are seated to eat and flies off in a blind rage at them. By the end of his anger-fuelled rage, most of the ghouls are crying and those who are not are shellshocked still. He's got no time to worry about them though, because he's got a kit that's been on earth for months but is barely acclimated to tend to.

For a good few weeks afterwards, Aether remains glued to Phantom's side and all the pack gets when they try to talk to him is anger-filled looks that send them scurrying away.

#im 100% making this a full on fic sometime #its such a good idea #thank you so much! #phantom ghoul #aether ghoul #the band ghost #nameless ghouls #ghost headcanons #ghoul headcanons #calxwrites

[1ore]

Scuttling into ur askbox like a little beetle

i think i recall you reblogging/posting things about geography and culture + human effect on it - I vaguely recall a piece of art where it showed a blurred out, cropped piece of people fighting, and focused instead on the flora in the scene.

ANYWAY! getting back on track. seeing that piece inspired me to take a course this semester called "people and the land: cultural geography". and the whole reason I came to your askbox was to ask if you had any suggested reading materials? We'll get stuff in class ofc, but I am curious to see if there's any bias of materials on the prof's side vs someone else.

Phew that was a long ask. thank you o/!

That sounds like Liz Anna Kozik’s piece : D So happy it stuck with you! I love her work!!

As for your ask, what an awesome class! Land-human relationships are my bullshit, and I really enjoyed my own cultural geography class.

Thinking back on my schooling, I would say about 70% of my classes fell in with the “everything is awful and humans are the worst” narrative, and the other 30% made time for land-human relationships other than the extractive hellscape that most people currently live under. So, full disclosure, when I think of “bias,” that’s what I think of. You grow up in the miasma, it’s hard to imagine that there’s any other way of living. It’s also hard to say without knowing the professor, but I think, in general, it’s good to be mindful of who is or isn’t telling the story.

ANYWAY. All that in mind, here’s some articles about people-land relations that I think are neat:

The Environment and Society portal - I like their digital exhibits especially. I remember enjoying Oceans in Three Paradoxes and The Northwest Passage. Great place to wander around and pick a random article that catches your eye.

Of Deserts and Decolonization: Dispelling Myths About Drylands – obligatory desert propaganda. An article looking at how colonial mindsets about deserts disrupt existing relationships and hurt both people and land, and also how those attitudes shape environmentalism/conservation/etc. still today.

The Miracle of the Commons – lovingly challenging the Tragedy of the Commons with a creative solution to poaching and human-animal conflict in South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Namibia. Great article to sit in discomfort about (productively!)

Biodiversity: The Variety of Life that Sustains Our Own – Contains one of my go-to examples when explaining how humans can be good for land and biodiversity, the story of Quitobaquito Springs (and its sister spring Ki:towak, though the author doesn’t mention it here.)

The Environmental History Timeline - just fun to look at, especially the further you go back. It’s funny to spot where a young branch of history is trying *really hard* to reframe how academia thinks about the past, by bringing the invisible landscape forward:

2700 BCE —  Epic of Gilgamesh describes vast tracts of cedar forests in what is now southern Iraq. Gilgamesh defies the gods and cuts down the forest, and in return the gods say they will curse Sumeria with fire (or possibly drought). By 2100 BCE, soil erosion and salt buildup have devastated agriculture. One Sumerian wrote that the “earth turned white.” Civilization moved north to Babylonia and Assyria. Again, deforestation becomes a factor in the rise and subsequent fall of these civilizations. (Perlin, 1991). 2700 BC — Some of the first laws protecting the remaining forests are decreed in Ur, Messopotamia. (Grove, 1995).

^^^ fucking around and finding out forever and ever and ever.

#thank you for reaching out! I hope you enjoy your class! #i hope i understood this correctly and that these are helpful. and if not. well. there was an attempt 🤪 #love this land #for science

[trollex-is-gay]

Buncha' info about my trolls au bc I wanna infodump abt it

Under the cut bc it got a bit long whoopsie-

Branch and Poppy are not a romantic couple in this. Major apologies to the Broppy fans, but I never felt them. And because I'm making my own au that's supposed to cater to me, I just couldn't force myself to include a ship I didn't enjoy writing about. Instead of being a romantic pair, they instead develop a sibling dynamic post-first movie and they openly consider themselves brother and sister by the time that World Tour happens. Branch has no remaining family and Poppy has always wanted a sibling, so it worked out well for them because they felt closer than friends but didn't feel romantic. Remember that this is not canon, this is my own thing and I'm not trying to attack the ship or the people who ship it, they're simply not romantic in MY au.

The duo do end up with romantic partners though! Some time after Trollstopia was created, Branch hit it off with Synth and found out he actually kind wanted to try dating him, and so far (as of after Band Together happens) they're going pretty steady and show no signs of breaking up. Poppy and Barb were an unexpected couple but are VERY attached to each other now. They've got a few issues to work out but they're getting better at communicating with each other and making their personalities work, so they're doing okay.

If you were to cast a normal average human into this world, they'd be immediately outmatched in height by essentially every troll except the classicals. Your average pop troll would be maybe around 6'1 (with exceptions like Smidge) and they can only get bigger from there. Techno trolls are the species with the ability to grow the largest due to living in a massive ocean with very few restrictions on their size. And yes, this does mean that compared to a human, someone like Bridget or Velvet and Veneer are absolute giants.

Now for some more Band Together related stuff for my au:

Synth and Barb didn't join their partners for the wedding because Barb kinda has a kingdom to run and Synth was one of the trolls left in charge of managing things while Poppy and her father were away, but also partially because they don't really know Bridget and Gristle and didn't think there'd be much point in going.

Branch was VERY affected by his brothers abandoning him, he held a pretty tough grudge against everyone except Floyd. His other brothers all just left without saying goodbye to him or acknowledging him, but Floyd took the time to let him know he cared and that he was only leaving because he couldn't handle everything going on. He was the only one to actually show he still cared before he left. Branch has a lot of trouble reconnecting with all of his brothers except for Floyd, they're on better terms. He IS connecting with all of them, and he still has a bit of frustration with Floyd, but he's just more comfortable with him because he's the only one who actually took him seriously when they were reunited and back before they'd split up. I'm not saying he hates his brothers ofc! But there's still a lot of baggage they all need to work through together. And his brothers also deserve to have a second to mourn their grandmother.

All of the returning trolls are a bit...startled by how the village has changed. Viva ended up growing up away from the pop village and lead her own, so she didn't know much about their history at all, and Branch's brothers have been in various places far away from the village, so safe to say none of them ever learned that there were other kinds of trolls out there. Poppy wants to write a letter to Barb and have her come back as soon as possible so that she can introduce her long lost sister to her new girlfriend. Synth is VERY surprised to hear that Branch has brothers, and excitedly rambles off about how he ALSO has a bunch of siblings to the returning trolls. He clicks especially well with Floyd and Bruce. Branch's brothers are a bit surprised to find out that he has a boyfriend, especially one that's a prince, but they're very happy for him and do their best to make a good impression.

It takes a bit of time for them all to adjust. Viva bunks with Poppy for the time being, and while Branch's brothers did come back to visit, Bruce is the only one who's decided not to stay in the village. He does kind of have a wife and kids after all! But he promises to visit them as often as he can. Send letters and such. The rest of the group are staying with Branch for now, but aren't sure if they want to live in the same house forever.

Viva is given a few days to adjust before they make any big announcements about her. After all, she's still processing a lot. The village is very happy to hear about the fact she's returned, and the trolls that lived with her also came to live in the village. No reason they shouldn't all stick together after all. Before Bruce leaves they have a family dinner together, if Poppy and Branch are brother and sister now, no reason for Branch's brothers and Poppy's sister can't be siblings either. Poppy is very very happy to have such a big family now.

I want to do something with Velvet and Veneer. I know they did some terrible shit and all that but considering how the trolls made peace with the Bergens even though they'd spent the last however long eating and basically torturing the trolls, and Barb kinda tried to convert all other tribes to one genre and caused some mass destruction...idk I feel like the siblings should get another shot under close surveillance or something (code for I love them and I want them in my au but not in a jail cell you feel me?).

#trolls #trollstopia #trolls world tour #trolls band together #trolls au #my au #Wolf's Trolls AU #parb #brynth #I AM VERY NORMAL. #ALSO HI HI IM ALIVE AGAIn. YOU WILL BE SEEING MORE OF ME.

[basslinegrave]

i was being a completely sane person today (/s) and was creating a timeline tree for snm would anyone even be interested in that. and collecting my shipping thoughts (or specifics about them being a couple etc). know that i still consider my knowledge of the franchise as poor. its just tidying it up in my head so when i talk about something i can pinpoint a specific thing (i was too deep in fnaf theorizing so now i have to suffer thru a franchise that doesnt even have a canon)

in short/tldr the comics are the base that happened in every possible timeline and everything else is derived from that, happening after, except the cartoon, which shows some events the same way so that would be more intertwined; not everything is connected/within one timeline. and the cartoon is my most fav and where i see them as a true couple.

long rant ahead

on one hand i really like the time travel theory where its like comics -> ttg -> cartoon etc by them travelling back in time for that, however there are many holes especially thinking about their families and stuff so

i like the idea of things branching off. one branch is comics - htr - cartoon, as something more intertwined

second is comics -> ttg -> poker night 2 (since it references ttg events) (idk bout 1 i havent played/seen that)

third would be comics -> ttiv (or comics -> htr -> ttiv, i have no idea atm if bosco's is mentioned in the comics but it is in htr and mentioned in ttiv. ttiv is also set in the year it came out, so theres a huge gap inbetween ttiv and htr but i wouldnt say its where the ttg games happened!)

and i dont mean this in like a multiverse way, since the creator seems to dislike that, its simply just a very loose canon that differs with each installment (simply due to different people working on these imo. nothing too deep imo)

but the juicy part!! i even made brackets that im too lazy to remake digitally so i will just write it out for each bigger installment. im excluding poker night 1 as i havent played it nor watched much gameplay

M = married, BF = best friends (in all technically)

comics: M - unlikely; BF - yes absolutely

htr: M - possible; BF - yes

cartoons: M - i take it as canon here. BF - yes million percent

ttg all seasons: M - no; BF - yes.

poker night 2: M - not sure, implied dating, i take that as good enough; BF - yes

ttiv: M - absolutely not. not a couple at all. BF - they seem too tense, yes, but from my experience playing, their interactions were imo the worst in all of their media, so i wasnt buying it at some points

note - ttiv has to be like the straightest they ever were and i also see it in S.P.'s more recent work. im looking too deep into that, perhaps, but im just thinking were never gonna get anything similar to what we got from back in the 90s again, if theres any future projects

people are also saying they got married like 4 times and its making me a bit confused here. do people mean cartoon, htr dress up card, cake topper and tdph ring scene or am i missing something big?? because to me that is married once, other ones being just for jokes (first one as well but its less vague), and in the ttg games its so extremely vague i cant count that (being realistic here) that said its still fun to joke about them getting married several times, but in this case wouldnt it be more of a marriage per timeline?

and to end this, a personal tierlist

my most fave obviously is the cartoon. not only is it the easiest to work with for me, with the fast pacing and short watch time (but ofc i wish it was longer) i absolutely love how their relationship is depicted there, even if a lot of stuff there is just jokes, but if everything is a joke then its also fine to take everything as canon within this media, to me! like when haters say that people only take the wedding scene out of the intro and ignore the rest - as if the other stuff couldnt happen (isnt one of the shots them fighting a giant octopus, which they end up having an episode about too. like cmon. anything goes here) even if it was contained within this specific part of the franchise, im ok with calling them a couple here. and its S tier overall

another S tier is the comics. nothing else to say

HTR is like A tier to me, only taking off points because its soooo sloooowwww and playing it after watching the series took 3 years off my life immediately. otherwise gud game.

ttg is like A to B tier for me, because of some specifics and preferences but thats just me being nitpicky so, the games overall are good. A- it is. thats all

poker night 2 is fun, i watch the gameplay a lot lately when im too tired at midnight to do anything else, A tier

ttiv. oh how mixed i am about you. gameplay by itself and my first experience with the game - S tier. it made me so giddy more than one time and i kept wanting to come back until i finished the game fully. i dont mind the bugs, its just what i expect in VR games and even tho it made me a bit frustrated at times it wasnt all that bad. its also the only vr game i played for over an hour once and didnt get motion sick - the exception was the level at the store which seemed too bright and actually made me nauseous. which is a feeling that somehow comes back whenever i think about this game. what i dislike was the dialogue, while most of it was fun and fine, i had moments where i just burst out laughing, they (or max especially) were way too mean towards the player. i know its a joke and you could chalk it up to max being unhappy with us/jealous, but it got like, generally unpleasant very quickly. with stuff like good throw - "nice!" bad throw - *neverending insults* and the second was how painfully straight it was and like. the vibes i got from them two was like, oh theyre fed up with each other and my shipping self was just left quite disappointed. i did not get all lines during my gameplay which made it great but upon going thru every line manually after, i was just more and more uncomfortable with what they said in their banter. this drops the game to like C for me? maybe B if i squint. being generous. i also got sick of their talking animations over time... the models are fine just got to be too much. bonus points for max ragdoll physics tho. coming up with a conclusion that this is a completely separate timeline and has nothing to do with anything other than the comics and perhaps HTR. i talked so long about this one cause its the one thing that prompted all of this lol.

but its not that serious! i just knew this franchise for ages as "oh its the two animal guys that are married and its funny" and now that i got into it fully, i see a lot of the shippers are obviously daydreaming and taking things out of context - which is fun, i agree!! i also do that. but it just painted a completely different picture for me. so no. theyre not married, theyre not a couple, except for the cartoon, where its implied, which stays on top for me. but in ttg at least, they love each other, its not as romantic, but i can ship them there (so i ship them in the context of the cartoon and ttg basically)

anyway. nothing is canon for them, everything is canon for them, and everything they say or do is a joke so. its not that deep at all. they gay tho

#insane ramblings #i will tag this #sam and max #for the 2 people that will read this 🫶 #thoughts are being thunk #long post #i just went on an unplanned rant here #i was home alone today and spent most of my day thinking about ttiv and how much i hate it and love it and hate it #one could even say its textbook queerbait but since its a separate game i cannot say it #but going from showing them getting married to 20 years later sam dating random women its like. uhh idont like that #obviously #i hc him as bi or pan so its fine its just so lame. like who are they? you know. random off screen characters that mean nothing to me #and max being jealous of the player being there but allowing sam to date is so lol. i havent found the line about the other woman yet #but ive had the lines open for way too many times and i dread going through them further. but i might bite the bullet i just want context #wonder if one of them is that one afghan hound (?) from that one valentines art #when the characters get ooc in official media /j

[firebugging]

MUTUAL APPRECIATION POST!!!!!

Hope everyone's year has been good so far, I've wanted to do this for a while, so here's my little ramble!!

I wanted to do as many people as possible but I am a COWARD and just went until I feel like I wrote too much, everything is utc :3

ALRIGHTTTTT, STARTING OFF WITH @eslover. I remember our first interaction the best tbh... (milgram tree, kotorb!!) you're the person that made really want to try and branch out to talk to other people within the milgramblr community (I still get a bit embarrassed though). You're super nice and I'm really grateful that we're mutuals! Truly the McMido acc ever !!

Next up, @tsuwmya! You were my first mutual here and I think you're super cool!! I really admire you, even if I don't interact with you a-lot, your ocgram is SOSO WELL DONE AND ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE SO CHEWYYY (it made me begin work on my own ocgram again actually). Your analysis posts are always such a pleasure to read and there is something about your art that makes me want to eat it like a sandwich /pos

@dearmahiru YOUUU. You're the person that made me like 0610 and MY GOD, DOOMED YURI!! They're one of my favourite ships now hehe. BUT ANYWAYS, ANOTHER PERSON WHO MAKES WONDERFULLY WRITTEN ANALYSIS POSTS, they're always such good reads and you can tell how well researched they are! In my head you're THE Mahiru mutual and I await the Kotoko final girl post!

LINA @linabirb. Uhmm... fun fact, when I initially got into Milgram, your edit blog was the first thing I really checked out in terms of fan work. I believe I was the anon that asked for heart shaped miko icons one time (I loved them btw. I ended up using them for one of my rentry pages WITH CREDIT OFC). You're really friendly and soso approachable 10/10 MUTUAL!!!

@narumimii YOU'RE LIKE A CELEBRITY 2 ME... so cool. I lovelove you edits and will probably spam like them later out of respect because photopea SUCKS and trying to understand it made me admire you for putting up with it's confusingness. Also... yurigram real I LOVE YOUR ART OK BYE

@rainbowghostcat @seariii @heynowisavedyouright and @roseofcards90 I WAS GONNA WRITE STUFF FOR YOU GUYS TOO BUT GOT EMBARRASSED AND DELETED IT I'M SO SORRY </3 BUTTT I THINK YOU'RE ALL SUPER COOL AND I AM SENDING YOU A MILGRAM CHIBI OF YOUR CHOICE...

@art-stuff-by-goose You're one of my irls and also not on milgramblr but you are my qp WIFE so I would like to thank your for putting up with me for all these years! I can be cringefail boyflop girlloser around you without worry and you also introduced SSOOSOOSO many cool games to me YOU WILL BE NUKED!! Overall you are very cool and I am gonna give you one of my silly dinosaurs :3

TO EVERYONE WHO ISN'T ON HERE!! Just know that even if we're not close, I really appreciate you! Everyone who I've interacted with here (no matter how much or how little) has really made my fandom experience so much more enjoyable, this is actually the first time I've really tried to interact with others in the community and it's been soso wonderful thus far. So thank you! I hope that you all have a wonderful 2024!! <3

Also uhmmm, I suck at interacting first so if you'd like to get closer, maybe send an ask? OK THAT'S ALL THIS WAS UHMMMMM VERY UHHHH THIS WAS A POST!!!!!!

#uhmmm combusts #GODDDDD #GONNA DISAPPEAR FOR A BIT #AUAUUAUAU #gonna listen to hypmic to deal with my #EMBARRASSMENT

[bigfatbreak]

ok so question time. awhile ago you confirmed the endgame ship for this comic is mari felix and kagami AND YES POLY REP IM HERE FOR IT but i have like some questions if your comfortable awnsering

ive never actually had a chance to talk to someone in a polyamorous relationship b4 and so im here to grace you with my queries (woo!)

ok so do felix and kagami have feelings for eachother or is it like a 'this is marinette my girlfriend and this is kagami marinettes girlfriend'. just confused on how the premise of these things work, ofc felix and kagami on a level are fond if eachother (even if platonic) and so marinette would be the one who is intrested in both of them?

basically what im trying to say is, marinette is attracted to both felix and kagami, kagami is attracted to mari and felix is atracted to mari.

am i correct or way off?

tbh, from my experience, (which is second hand) any of those different ways of approaching a poly relationship are equally valid - but how I'm gonna present them in the AU is very much same-page stuff.

I will include visual aids for gags and a readmore to block spoilers.

essentially, their knowledge of each other starts out like this - they are introduced to each other via Marinette and in the beginning, only really share a space because they both care about her well-being. Initially they have a weak rivalry (I say weak because they're both too mature and busy to feed into that kind of thing. sort of.) but as time goes on they hang out without Marinette around due to her spontaneous agenda. (aka, having to go save Paris every two frickin minutes)

it ends up when three friends make plans to hang out and one of them is constantly vanishing, you learn to start offering olive branches. They don't blame Marinette for it, but they ARE aware something else is going on... and two heads are better than one to figure it out.

as it ends up, having a similar taste in women doesn't always mean they have similar interests, but for Felix and Kagami, they do.

They're both into very competitive and physically demanding sports, they're both a bit too blunt, they both are very loyal and possessive of their few friends, they both have overbearing mothers, they both wish they could communicate more freely, they both like campy manga -

and though Kagami doesn't initially enjoy how Felix plays people like a fiddle, preferring friends who are earnest, she begins to see the plus side of having someone who's still sincere in spite of having an attitude being her friend. Felix likes Kagami's go getter attitude and unwillingness to compromise.

the three end up having significant overlap in their friendships because of their interests, hobbies, and personalities - Kagami likes having someone she can verbally spar with, while also finding a softer confidant in Marinette. Felix likes knowing two women who could kill them. Marinette's just relieved she has two people she knows are actual loyal friends.

this makes a super solid foundation for their friendship and relationships going forward - it's a little messy, but it works out, mostly because Kagami is unwilling to compromise, and Felix is unwilling to let something go that he wants.

Their rivalry will evolve into a funny sort of "well- we both have a crush on the same girl, uh oh" to "well everyone else is being a jackass, I don't care who she chooses, as long as she's happy, and we're gonna be friends for life anyway because we're both freaks" to "what if we didn't make her choose? 👀👀👀"

#replies #spoilers #my art #kagaminette #felinette

[angidrawingstuff]

I drew...something...

Just imagine no other employees being around since Faba isn't into PDA. If others would be around they would never do that.

Huuuuge Rant:

I am thinking to myself "Hey Angi can you draw something else than fluff". No somehow at the moment I am unable to draw anything else.

In this week I drew this and a bunch of Researchethicshipping stuff that I post soon. I am literally boiling with idea. Please give me more time Dialga.

Here we have Lilac and Faba! Yay- who even is she btw.

I try to explain as shit as possible:

In my dumb Story she is Fabas Assistant (thats why they share similar outfits) but before that, she helped the Aether Foundation out with a "little" Ultra Beast disaster that was going on in Alola. Strong Trainers all around the world were asked to help out and since this snitch just finished going to the Academy (as an adult since she was never allowed to be a trainer before thanks to her possesive mother. Is other story) and obtained her Champion rank in Paldea (which is a whole other arc) she had nothing better to do than going to Alola. And boom there she met Faba who invited her into the Aether Foundation. Then a bunch of things happend, Fabas Villain arc, betrayel, Forgiving, understanding, Lilac being dense, blabla, and for now things are kinda fine. Faba wants to change but has a lot of issues with himself, mainly his pretty shit and unloving past comes up to him a lot. So Lilac (and Colress later too) support him on that Journey with a lot of love and support.

That's literally it as summary (honestly without background knowledge this sounds very boring iehrkwjhd). But the story will get bigger than that since I want them to visit a l l possible regions and let them do something there. I already have a lot of ideas for some regions. (For some others not XD)

Also I am looking for a Shipname for these two. My first and only idea was PurpleBeanShipping but I am not really vibing that much with it for now;

I already said so much but one last thing 💀 Lilac ofc respects Faba a lot. They work very close together and hide their relationship as much as possible and only do things when nobody is around. But just as with Colress some Co-Workers probably know what's going on by time.

Also she uses Boss or Branch Chief quite often only to spoil him. She usually is very soft to him but well that usually can also be different. Still soft tho 💀

Now I said enough. I am sorry for this 😭

#angispokemonocs #faba #branch chief faba #aether foundation #faba pokemon #faba fanart #oc x canon #oc art #oc #pokemon oc #pokemon trainer #oc x cc

[shywhumpauthor]

In between spy whumpee’s torture, can we get some of their backstory?

I really want Kaden to save them at the end in the canon storyline(only if you’re okay with it ofc)

We’re just going to pretend that this ask isn’t from January-

Kaden saving them? A crossover? Psh

Training With Clay

Surveillance Masterlist

Cw: abuse in the name of “training”, starvation, overworking, over exhaustion, dehydration, normalized abuse, blood, collapsing, preparations for self-sacrifice, accepting death as inevitable (even though it very much is avoidable), normalized no self worth, disregard for the value of life, all that fun stuff. Noah’s spy training was just really fucked up.

Stay still.

Stay still.

Stay silent. Stay still.

Sweat beaded on the back of Noah’s neck, cold and anxious. Saliva pooled beneath his tongue, but he didn’t even dare swallow, knowing what consequences even the slightest movement would bring.

Silent. Noah couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken. More than a few days, he knew, but he didn’t know if it had yet to pass a week point. Or two. In the Chamber, time was a privilege, one that only the higher ranking were permitted to exploit. It could have been months, and he would have been none the wiser.

Days were indistinguishable from the rest, blended together through the broken breaks of sleep and meals. The lights went off and back on. The silence rarely parted. He used to be able to tell the time, to some extent, by the ache in his bones, but that had faded long ago, the exhaustion from each day bleeding into the next with no noticeable improvement from rest.

At least today was an easier day. He had known that when instead of being ripped away from his cot, dragged to the floor by an arm or the back of his shirt, or jolted awake as a pail of ice water was dumped over him, he had woken up to the ear-splitting morning alarm in the training center.

It was Clay’s day, which Noah was beyond grateful for. Clay only worked with the informer recruits for one day a week, though those hours passed much too quickly. Clay wasn’t a saint by any means, sometimes they could be a real dick, but for the most part they were fine. Rude, a bit annoying at points, but they weren’t nearly as mean as some of the other instructors. They worked them to the point of failure, but not past. Encouraged to test their limits, but accepting of the failure. Displeased with it, obviously, but accepting.

With them, it wasn’t physical strain, not in the manner like it was with Aaron. He was the worst, by far. Bitter memories of running, sprinting on a treadmill in line with five others until Noah’s legs gave out, that couldn’t have been more than a week ago. Strength training wasn’t as important for informers as it would be for, say, soldiers, where brute force was a necessity in missions, just another form of practiced endurance. They weren’t really soldiers, none of these operations were connected to the military, but that’s just how they were referred. The job any given recruit in the room wished they had been assigned to rather than this. Noah wished he had been assigned to the technical division. It’s why he had applied for this entirely. He wasn’t amazing with computers, but compared to the other branches of recruits it seemed the most interesting.

Really, he had been most interested by a smaller branch within the tech division. He had wanted to become a coordinator, to put together the very missions he was now stuck preparing for now. Tech, technicalities. He had wanted to work with the logistics of the assignments and approaches, but instead he was the one following those orders. He hadn’t wanted this. He hadn’t wanted to be here. But he wasn’t given much of a choice, so here he was.

Noah’s class, as the supervisors called it, wasn’t that large. Twenty at the beginning of the program, dropped down to eighteen after the first two weeks. Noah wasn’t sure what had happened to them, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. All he knew was that they had failed.

The spies were made to look as inconspicuous as possible. Everyone in the room, there were little distinguishing factors between the recruits. They were all around the same height and the same build, hair cut neatly once but tangled with sweat and knots. Nothing more than average. It had been those features that ended him up in this division. They all wore the same uniform, once folded neatly and pressed shirts and shorts, now wrinkled and dirty. Even with Clay, it had been a long day. And it still wasn’t over.

“You weren’t chosen to fight. You were chosen to endure. Bear it.” Clay spoke, their voice ringing loudly through the empty room, over the shallow, exhausted breaths of the recruits. Bear it.

They weren’t chosen to fight. Or to plan. The only thing they needed to do was listen. Observe. Record, keep their cover. Stay silent upon capture, take the torture until death. Don’t give anything away.

That’s all this training was. Preparations for torture later on, not if but when. When they were sent on their mission. When they were captured. When.

Three months of hell. Three months of abuse of all kinds, preparing them for anything and everything that could happen. Exposing them to the pain they would face, building up their tolerance. After those three months were over, though, things would be better. Hell with a reprieve. After three months, and the Initiation—which anyone had yet to tell the recruits what that really was—they’d all get a break. A long time to rest, recover. To join the rest of the workers in the company, interact with people outside of their class until they were called for their mission.

Noah’s knees hurt. The idea was cruel, and he could only imagine what the bruises would look like the following morning, but it wasn’t half as bad as some of the other exposure. Every bone in his body ached from having to hold the position for hours on end, the grains of uncooked rice embedding deep into his shins. But it would go away, eventually. The bruises and the indents would fade, and there wouldn’t be any evidence of this trial. Of any of them. That was a big part of their tactics. Scars meant suspicion, and suspicion ruined the whole goal of going unnoticed.

Next to him, a recruit let out a trembling groan, their entire body shuddering in the corner of Noah’s vision, but he didn’t dare turn his head to look. Their pain was irrelevant to him. All that mattered was that he focused.

Focused on staying still and silent.

The recruit collapsed, falling forwards to the hard floor.

They were the fourth so far, and from what Noah could tell from around the room, they weren’t going to be the last.

Resourcefulness was another virtue they were taught, the most important as Clay had explained during their very first lesson. Anticipate what will happen. Don’t hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Use everything to your advantage.

That morning, after the recruits had all woken up, Noah had realized what day it was. With Clay, there were two breaks. One after the first exercise, then one at the very end of the day. During the first one, Noah had slipped away to the bathroom, where he had hunched over the sink and drank as much water from the tap as he could without getting sick. Dehydration was probably the worst and the most common factor that meddled with training. Some days they were given free water breaks, whenever they needed they were allowed to step away to get some. Other days they weren’t. He was prepared, unlike some of the others.

His mind was clouded with exhaustion and pain, but he wasn’t going delirious. That was always a good thing. Just focus on the good things. That’s all he could do.

Break them down.

Strip everything away until the canvas was bare.

Build them back up. Piece by piece.

Shatter the glass then melt the fragments back together to form a new pane.

Another recruit gave in, a defeated slump. Noah didn’t even notice. He kept his sight locked on a single grain of rice, fighting the exhaustion that tugged down on his eyelids.

A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. Noah blinked it out of his eye.

…

“Settle.”

The command came like an answered prayer, a ray of golden sunlight breaking through a swirling mass of dark clouds. It took Noah a moment to process it, and another few to finally move. He had to think about it for a second, the resounding ache in his legs making it clear he wouldn’t be able to stand right away. So instead he shifted to the side, brushing the scattered rice away before lowering himself from his knees to sit. For the first time in hours, he looked across the the training hall.

There were only a handful of recruits still standing. Well, kneeling. Now sitting. The ones who had failed, probably eleven out of the eighteen of them, sat against the wall with their gaze downwards.

Noah grit his teeth, wincing as the weight was finally lifted off his knees. There were grains of rice embedded in his knees, small trickles of blood dripping down the skin from where he had moved too much. He bit down on his lip, gingerly brushing away the grains, having to pick the really deep ones away with his nails. It stung like hell, but it was nothing compared to what he had faced before. His legs screamed in both protest and relief as he stretched them for the first time in hours, cramped muscles twitching as he let himself rest from the rigid posture he held for much too long.

“Alright boys, showers and dinner.” Clay clapped their hands a single time, and the line of recruits against the wall quickly stood and began to shuffle out in a clump. Noah moved to follow them, unable to contain the groan as he attempted to get his legs underneath him, but Clay held out a hand, drawing the attention of those on the floor and shaking their head.

“Rest for another few minutes,” they said, the commanding tone dropping from their voice. Once the others had left, Clay spoke again. “You all did well today. Once the others finish in the bathroom, I’ll turn on the warm water and you can have an extra ten minutes. Sit for now.”

A prick of confusion invaded Noah’s mind, but he wasn’t about to question.

Clay’s cold eyes shifted to him, and Noah couldn’t drop his gaze before they made eye contact. The instructor was walking over to him, not giving Noah time to lapse into a mental panic before they were standing in front of him.

“You did better today, Noah,” They spoke quietly, adjusting their voice so the other recruits wouldn’t overhear as Clay crouched down not too far from him. They crossed their arms, gaze dropping to Noah’s bleeding knees. “Your progress hasn’t gone unnoticed along the supervisors. Come see me after you get cleaned up if you need some bandages or Motrin, alright?”

Clay waited for him to nod, voice lost as he was taken aback. Not just by the direct interaction from an instructor—which was rarely a good thing, but the offer. He didn’t know Clay knew his name even. Here, to instructors, recruits didn’t have names. He was eight, the number of the bunk he was assigned to.

By the time he broke out of the exhaustion laced stupor the interaction had caught him in, Clay had already moved on, walking down to the next recruit and stopping just in front of them. They remained standing.

He could just hear them say, “not bad, fourteen. Watch your breathing, you can let your posture ease more. That should help.”

——————————————————

Tag list: @pickleking8 @blood-enthusiast @t0rture-me @sparrowsage @enigmawritesstuff @whump-me

This was fun to write. I plan to do a lot of Noah in the next couple days so if there’s anything you want to see pleaseeee let me know

Anything at all.

Please.

#whump #whumpblr #whump community #whump writing #its me coal #coal wrote something #whump series #whump story #whumpee #whumper #whump prompt #whump prompts #tag for noah #spy whump #emotional whump #injury whump #whump scenes #noah’s past—the chamber #carewhumper #reluctant whumper #physical whump #caretaker whumper #comfort whump #conditioned whumpee #conditioning whump #whump drabble #whump snippet #whump fic #whump caretaker #multiple whumpees

[jessi4branchifer]

WELCOME TO MY BLOG

My name is Jessi and I'm here to spread the LOVEEE😘🥳 WOOO!!

I have been a humongous fan of trolls since 2016 (except for the two month break that I took when I was a HUGE HTTYD fan- don't ask) and I mostly just post little silly trolls scenarios!

Here are the things that I can do:

Answer Questions- I love to answer questions about Trolls and other movies I love to watch, so don't be shy to ask my opinions!

Blab about Branch for about a bajillion hours- he's my favorite character OF ALL TIME and I was so happy when TBT was centered around him 😭🥹

Write fanfictions, though I would prefer to do that on my new blog, @jessi4fanfics (i just made it about ten seconds ago, so there's nothing there yet, lol)

I will take suggestions on stuff, and if you beg me to show you my handmade drawings of Human Broppy AU, I MIGHT show you, but it's not digital or anything, and I'm more of a writer than artist, so maybe that's not something you should do 😘🤣

WRITE ANYTHING BROPPY OR BROZONE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH EEEEE I am also a huge Cliva fan too, so if y'all come up with any ideas, I'm here to share them with

MESSAGING Y'ALL IS TOTALLY SOMETHING I'D LOVE TO DO, so if you wanna ask me something personal, for a suggestion, or just wanna say hi and blab about DreamWorks and Disney, I'm here to do so, as long as you don't talk inappropriately or anything.

Don't worry, ofc I'll think of more stuff as soon as I publish this lol. :D

Here are the things I CANNOT do:

I am a Christian, so if you ask me to write anything that is against what I believe, I will kindly tell you I cannot do that, but don't worry I won't bite ur head off or anything XD, I'm def not that kind of person.

I am absolutely not writing any LGBTQ+ content. I am not homophobic or transphobic and I know majority of people support all of it, but I do want to respect the small bit of people who don't, so I am not writing so I can respect what others say and think. ♥️♥️♥️

I won't talk about war or any of that kind of stuff also for the reasons of people having different opinions. I don't want to ruin friendships with anyone, and I hate it when that happens just because you don't agree on something. For both this and LGBTQ I also want younger viewers to be able to read my stuff, and sometimes when it comes to that stuff, they may be exposed to stuff they shouldn't be at a young age.

I am not writing anything too mature or inappropriate for younger readers- that includes smut, swearing, and make outs (tho I do write butt jokes WAHAHA U CAN'T STOP ME FROM DOING THAT)

I am not AT ALL putting ANY hate on anyone. I believe that everyone should be who they truly are without shame, and that our main goal as people should be to spread love. Which is why I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!

I LOVE these movies and shows TONS

Trolls Band Together (and the whole series duhhh)

Rio and Rio 2

Boss Baby & Boss Baby Family Business

Mickey Mouse Shorts

The Looney Toones Show

Lab Rats

The Lego Batman Movie

Bunk'd

Geek Charming

& More!!!

These are my (main) ships!

Branch x Poppy

Clay x Viva

Blu x Jewel

Mickey x Minnie (duh)

Bugs x Lola

Daffy x Tina

& Obviously SO MUCH MORE

I am a very silly person, HUGE BROZONIE, and I love to joke around! My account on Wattpad is JessiDelanett if you want to read my books/follow me!

I don't have YouTube- YET. Working on it 😜

I love all people, even those who may not like me. That doesn't matter to me, I will only just love you more.

HEARTS AND BLESSINGS. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#intro post #blog intro #trolls fandom #dreamworks trolls #trolls 3 #trolls band together #brozone #christianity #love people #broppy #humor #looney tunes #wattpad #broppy fankid #trolls brozone

[latibvles]

FIC WRITER INTERVIEW

Thank you to @softguarnere , @hesbuckcompton-baby , & @mercurygray for the tags :) let’s get into it

—

HOW MANY WORKS DO YOU HAVE ON AO3?

Nine! I’ve had AO3 for a while, but I was a Wattpad fic writer for a long, long time.

WHAT’S YOUR TOTAL AO3 WORD COUNT?

147,512

WHAT ARE YOUR TOP FIVE FICS BY KUDOS?

Sad, Beautiful, Tragic, its connected works, and then a Ron character study. Can we tell I’ve only been posting on AO3 for a year yet?

DO YOU RESPOND TO COMMENTS? WHY OR WHY NOT?

I try to! If someone’s taking the time out of their day to say something about what I’ve written, commenting back is the least I can do — it’s a good way to say thank you (I’ve also met a lot of my friends through commenting and responding to comments).

WHAT’S THE FIC YOU’VE WRITTEN WITH THE ANGSTIEST ENDING?

…I’m a sucker for happy endings, guys. I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I know I wrote an apocalypse au Vicki/Hoos thing that had a pretty stress-inducing end, but other than that, I can’t think too much on it.

WHAT’S THE FIC YOU’VE WRITTEN WITH THE HAPPIEST ENDING?

I don’t know if this counts but Home For Christmas ends with the Speirs family trying for another kid a-la-fade to black, so I think that’s a pretty decent end

DO YOU WRITE CROSSOVERS?

My secret plan is to actually get all the OFCs to assemble like the power rangers in the final shot of a Nickelodeon film (yes I write crossovers, fandom-related and friend-character related, THEYRE FUN!)

HAVE YOU EVER RECEIVED HATE ON A FIC?

Yes when I was like twelve years old, but otherwise people are very kind. Or maybe my friends are right about me being a little scary [big shrug]

DO YOU WRITE SMUT? IF SO, WHAT KIND?

Yeah, very rarely PWP, but I do write it. It tends to lean towards M/F, but I’m not opposed to trying my hand at other stuff if inspiration strikes. Just don’t expect anything insane over here.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FIC STOLEN?

God I hope not.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FIC TRANSLATED?

nope!

HAVE YOU EVER CO-WRITTEN A FIC BEFORE?

Nope! But I do tend to wrap all my friends into AU ideas and then we branch off and do our own things with it (hello Sam and the Pacific Band AU)

WHATS YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE SHIP?

I never know how to answer this because I just Like Things but it’s probable Percabeth. The couple that raised me.

WHATS A WIP THAT YOU WANT TO FINISH BUT DONT THINK YOU EVER WILL?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

WHAT ARE YOUR WRITING STRENGTHS?

I’ve been told I’m good at capturing character voice / making dialogue distinct. I also think I’m pretty good at writing complex family dynamics.

WHAT ARE YOUR WRITING WEAKNESSES?

Inability to stfu and describing settings. No matter how many reference photos I stare at I can never adequately describe a layout of a building to save my life.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON WRITING DIALOGUE IN OTHER LANGUAGES IN A FIC?

It’s fun! Tragically I don’t speak the languages that would likely be spoken in the fandom I write currently (French, German) but as someone learning Spanish I’ve managed to slip a few Spanish words in there, and then in original work I’ve done it before.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST FANDOM YOU WROTE FOR?

Shoutout Riordanverse

WHAT'S A FANDOM/SHIP YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN FOR YET BUT WANT TO?

Not too sure to be completely honest. I wanted to write the Ron/Daisy/Nix crack-throuple thing eventually, or just the Daisy/Nix crackship, because I guess I just have a thing for hot messes. And also the 87 MOTA OC ideas / ships I have in the back of my brain

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FIC YOU'VE WRITTEN?

Sad Beautiful Tragic is a love letter to a seasonally-depressed college sophomore who felt extremely disconnected from the world around her, and so it is extremely near to my heart. Firstborn AO3 fic privileges.

TAGGING: fairly certain all my go-to tag people have been tagged on this, so if you’re seeing this: I tag you, person on the internet, if you have not done it already.

#poet’s think thoughts #tag game #fic questions

[captainmera]

Woe, 💕 be upon ye

I’ve been following ur Golden Brother fic for about… half the time it’s been up? I was already baffled by how u posted such long chapters of such GOOD SHIT, but recently I was like “oh yeah better check out their Tumblr!!” and… Who did you sell your soul to write that much, often post multiple drawings a day, AND have a webcomic (I still need to read it tbh) going??? LMAO

Whenever I open a new chapter and remember how long they tend to be, I go insane (affectionate, in awe, thankful).

That being said, if you overwork yourself with fanfic, fanart, or asks I will smack you with a large tree branch. So don’t u dare feel obligated to make a reply for this HHFJSBSNS

About the fic tho,,, your writing is so good. I came for the arc between Hunter and Vee (which I ADORE btw), but everyone’s characterization is just top tier imo. You even think through canonical strengths so well that you find new ways to turn them into FLAWS and I like it a very not normal amount.

Like… Luz genuinely fucking up a bit? Without being tricked like she was with Philip? You created such neat depth around her coping mechanism of distracting herself by helping others heheheee!!

Willow and how she got so set on being “the reliable one” that others find it hard to open up to her since the vulnerability feels one-sided is really interesting cuz it makes sense! It’s counterproductive, but I can see why she does it.

“The true mom-friend was Gus” is BASED, I’m absolutely here for it!!! He’s one of my favs, so I sometimes think he’s overlooked as far as character depth, but I love how you write himmm!!

Amity having to re-recognize that her and Hunter do indeed have a lot in common, but becoming very relaxed and understanding towards him once she does? Yissss always appreciate the (platonic) rosegold hostility->solidarity pipeline!

Hunter’s lingering child soldier mentality stuff is mmmmmmmmm!! And seeing him start to overcome it as he trusts others more IS SO!!!! AAAA!!!!! Plus his skill in understanding others and being a mediator from having a leadership role in the coven is super cool and fitting!! Also the grimwalker shenanigans are a blast ofc. Hhhnnggggg you’re really fueling my brainrot here >:[ /POS

Salty Vee fuels me. After being so mistreated for most of her life, she deserves to be a lil angry. As a treat. Directing it at Hunter may have been misplaced, but it’s understandable enough that Hunter himself recognized what she needed and encouraged her do her thing (when he does it out of guilt, I wanna hit him upside the head with therapy, but it’s still nice of him). And then her sudden, genuine “I forgive you” makes me wanna SOB, it’s so gooodddd!!

Even Jacob is super neat???? I never thought of Masha being like family sorta with him (and ngl I was actually :/ about the idea for a hot sec) but you worked it SO WELL!! I’m interested in his arc now lmaoooo

I can probably go on, but EEEE can’t wait to see more!!!!!

Anyways, THANK YOU FOR CONTENT!!!!! I wish you motivation, energy, health, happiness, and breaks if u need them XD

Thank you so much for this letter, its been so lovely to re-read it and it's been very encouraging. 💝💝💝🙇

Idk where to start. Just thank you very much for saying all that. 😭🙇💙💙💙

#ask #asks #the golden brother #tgb ask #art reply #Haha youre funny! I haven't sold my soul to anyone haha I'm just trying to make myself feel better by having fun #y'know when you're finally in a somewhat okay place and then everything catches up with you? hahaha it's like that #I am doing okay tho - I'm an adult - I hope I don't annoy anybody with all my fan-content... I just need this atm #I just have *a lot* of time on my hands and I just *really* like writing stories #I promise I am very uninteresting and average in every possible way - I'm pretty boring so there's no secret to my productivity #it's a little aaaa that people like my stuff so much. I didn't think people would? So it's very humbling. thank you!

[damianbugs]

hi <3 since ive already obsessively reread your works i dont know how many times i think it's time for me to branch out and find some other batfam stuff too (im still a loyal reader tho dw bestie) i was wondering if you had any batfam authors you personally love and / or are inspired by! or maybe your top 5 batfam fics? if you don't mind sharing it ofc! thank u have a swag day and thank u for putting out such amazing amazing work into the world that offers me (personally) so much comfort :)

hello !! thank you so much for reading my works and i hope you will continue to enjoy them <3 i am so glad they bring you as much comfort reading as they do for me when writing !! and YES OF COURSE there is simply nothing i love more than recommending batfam fics that have me going absolutely crazy insane.

i previously did a top 5 batfam fic recs, and so here are my, uh, other top 5 batfam fics? everything is at the top of my list at this point.

+ these are in no particular order !!

MY TOP 5 BATFAM FICS (AGAIN) ON AO3 !

Cold Hard Want by AudreyCritter

“Are you happy?”

“I...I’m getting there.”

A follow-up to DC Rebirth Batman #35, in which Bruce recovers from being stabbed in the back and Damian considers the elusive nature of happiness.

MY NOTES: i might have read this fic a dozen times and everytime i do i am always so amazed by it. i have a soft spot for fics that move alongside actual comic canon, and so this was a lovely follow up to that original story (though you do not need to be familiar with it to enjoy this fic). damian is such a complicated character but at the end of the day, he is a child — and i think this handled his tumultuous relationship with bruce, dick and selina(!!) really well.

White Christmas by LemonadeGarden

Jason's been in the manor for a few months now. Bruce is a pretty cool guy, sure, but he's not exactly sure what to expect from him.

And then they go to Siberia in the winter on a case. It goes horribly wrong, and then pretty well.

MY NOTES: personally i think it is always the perfect time of year for a christmas fic that isn't actually about christmas. now, not only do all the best tropes meet in this fic (cuddling for warmth, sick fic, comfort after nightmares - to name a few) BUT this is also about robin jason todd. the little boy of all time. wonderful fic.

all the other rooms are a party tonight (and you never got an invitation) by irnan

(You will need an ao3 account to access this fic)!

The major difference between Gotham before Bruce left to set up Batman, Inc and Gotham after he comes back is that his children are grown-ups. Well, except for Damian.

Still, four out of five's an overwhelming majority.

MY NOTES: there is something so healing about this fic. bruce is rather pathetic (said fondly) in the way troubled middle aged men become when they finally realise their life is only in consequence of the people who exist around them. the dynamic between cass and bruce and dick and bruce in this is one of my favourites. the latter is very carefully weaved into the entire story, even when pertaining the other characters. a great take on bruce!

Have I Told You About Minnie? by Hinn_Raven

After you’ve known Matches Malone long enough, you get used to him telling you about his kids. Not that his kids know about it.

MY NOTES: oh this is such a fun one!! stephanie and bruce is such a wonderful dynamic and something about bruce creating an entirely new persona as a subconscious excuse to gloat about his children is just too funny. really sweet!

i want you to remember me by zxrysky

Bruce really needs to get rid of his saviour complex. Not all of them are the same as that poor boy who had to watch his parents get murdered in a dark alleyway; not all of them need to be saved.

Jason is perfectly fine where he is. Some capital would be great, but otherwise, he’s fine. He’s fine.

He doesn’t need to be saved again.

“No thanks,” Jason mutters, and pushes the papers away.

MY NOTES: this one hits you when you least expect it. it is so funny, so sweet and it hurts. jason todd you are so ridiculously complicated and tragic. also my favourite kind of time travel, kind-of-time-travel! little jason receives all of older jason's memories and his meeting with bruce and journey to robin is different, but some things are just destiny i suppose. so lovely.

as for inspirations or favourite authors, i have to say it might just be everyone i have ever read a fic from so i can not pick out anyone right now. the writers featured on this list are also phenomenal and some have written other amazing and loved batfam fics you should definitely check out!

hope you enjoy these anon and thank you again <3

#bruce wayne #jason todd #stephanie brown #robin jason todd #time travel #damian wayne #dick grayson #batman and robin #batfamily fic recs #saki batfam fic recs #hey guys unrelated news #but i think i have finally figured out how to format on tumblr #hope this is not horrendous to look at

[silvergoldraeven]

Resurrected Heimdall AU but it’s part 3

ehehehehe i’m gay for him okay- i might be cringe but im free :3

part two here :)

part four here

- both their house in Midgard and Sindri’s house are like their main houses, tho Heimdall refuses to sleep in the cabin and just hangs out there throughout the day if anything

- Atreus and Heimdall tend to read til late in the night, usually falling asleep together in the process. Kratos makes sure to tuck them in whenever he finds them like that

- Heimdall’s left arm has become even stronger from him relying on that one alone so much

- he’s become great at climbing trees, too, which he loves to do since he keep an eye on everything around them more easily from up high.

- just the mental image of this fucker just climbing all the way to the top with one arm like its nothing

- he makes sure to take Mimir with him when he knows he’s gonna be there for a while

- Sometimes he leaves Mimir hanging from a tree branch and just goes “wow Mimir, you truly are the best tree ornament.. bye now :)”

- yes he gets scolded every time by Kratos

- Heimdall and Atreus both staring at any cute dude and then later talking about them like girls gossiping at the dinner table

- Atreus wakes up a lot from nightmares of Ragnarok, usually when Heimdall is awake already

- Heimdall doesn’t even need to use his abilities to know that the kid just needs some comfort, so he lets Atreus cuddle up to him for a few extra hours of sleep

- Atreus and Heimdall fighting on who gets the comfiest spot on the sled while Kratos just stands there, he’s too tired for this shit

- Heimdall LOVES hide n seek, he, Atreus, Thrud and Angrboda play constantly. Sometimes others join in too. Turns out Kratos is a great hider.

- Heimdall being the seeker is kinda cheating tho because this man can literally hear grass grow

- their games can take HOURS if its just Heimdall and Atreus, because both are competitive as fuck

- just. Atreus going as far as holding his breath or hiding underwater or some other dumb shit so Heimdall can’t sense him

- “father i’ve looked in 8 realms and i still can’t find him what the fuck”

- when Atreus is in a bad mood but just wants a distraction, Heimdall will just start counting down, a cue for Atreus to sprint off and hide.

- surprise hide n seek, who doesnt love it c:

- i feel like Heimdall never really got the chance to be a proper kid, hell, even Atreus didn’t get the chance. so they make up for their lost time together

- idk i just had the mental image of Kratos carving Atreus some wooden toys and Heimdall pretending So Hard to not be envious

- Heimdall later acquires a shelf of wooden trinkets his dad made for him :)

- him pretending to hate hugs and dodging any attempt from anyone.

- until he’s alone with his dad and brother ofc those two are the only ones allowed to touch him, he loves hugs from them even if he acts like he doesn’t

- Atreus breaking a chest open with his as Heimdall watches

Heimdall pushes him aside with the next one “here, i’ll help :)” and smashes it with his bifrost arm ofc because why would he pass up on an opportunity to show off

“that’s cheating, Heimdall”

“absolutely not, i’m simply using my strengths as an advantage :)”

atreus motions to his bow “oh yeah? well me too” and just whacks Heimdall in the back of the knees before sprinting away from his quickly approaching doom

  - Kratos and/or Atreus waking up, house completely dark besides 2 bright pink/purple eyes staring at them, totally not unnerving

“why are you sitting in complete darkness”

“.... it’s comfortable”

- Atreus calling for Heimdall who’s pretending to not hear him, Thrud watches him try for a bit. “oh yeah he does that, i have something that always works tho”

“oh really? what is it?”

*Thrud just going “pspspsps” at Heimdall*

- Heimdall repeating the sounds Gulltoppr makes when no one else is around. just:

“mrrow”

“mrow? agreed.”

- Heimdall constantly forgetting that he’s missing his arm and trying to pick stuff up and then just kinda stares in confusion for a few seconds

- my theory of Heimdall being part giant too stands so im wondering if Angrboda and Atreus teach him giant magic at some point too

- he’s VERY good at haggling with any trader, especially the more expensive ones. sometimes he comes home with fancy robes he traded for his family.

- imagine if at one point he finds someone selling wine from Greece so he haggles it off the trader and excitedly brings it to Kratos

- Atreus doing pushups with Kratos to see who can do the most and Heimdall just going “i can do that with one hand :)”

- Heimdall letting Atreus braid his hair since he had practice on Mimir’s beard anyway. Kid’s fast and precise with it which Heimdall didn’t expect.

- Atreus just being a whole ass barber for everyone is a funny thought

- even after Fumbulwinter has died down completely, Midgard keeps being a tad too cold for Heimdall’s taste

- everyone swimming together in a lake and Heimdall just. sitting next to the river because the water is too cold for him. “i mean, we could go to Vanaheim, the water there is nice and warm-” “no.”

- everyone sleeping without blankets or anything and then there’s Heimdall with enough blankets and furs to keep every person in Midgard warm

- Atreus coming to Heimdall because he wants to gift Angrboda something but doesnt know what to gift her because of that one time he offered her a flower and she didnt want it.

“obviously she prefers her flowers alive and not dead, so try that”

Atreus stops pacing around the room and just stares at his brother in confusion “wh-” “grow some flowers yourself, idiot”

- Heimdall, master of romance and courtship (<- this is a lie, probably)

- His love language being physical touch and just being all up in people’s personal space when he cares about them, pretending to annoy them

- Atreus: *causes slight chaos*

Heimdall, immediately: “i should’ve just thrown you off that wall the second i saw you”

Atreus: “love you too, brother! :D”

- mental image of Mimir, Kratos and Heimdall writing a book together called ‘gods and their skill to fuck up severely; how to not do that’

- the family sharing their stories and poems with each other because it’s cute and they all deserve to be loved and have fun

#gow #god of war #heimdall #gow heimdall #i love them all so much

[crowkip]

hi there!! i came across your art recently and love how you simplify forms for your style!! Do you have any tips on what you did to learn art and develop your current style? Did you take figure drawing lessons or just hyperfixate on an anime?? Any materials/exercises that were particularly helpful for learning how to draw humans? Thanks for your time!

thank u so much!!! i do have some handy info but im gonna put it under the cut so it doesnt clog up ppl's feeds bc it's gonna get a little long, hope this helps out!! ꉂ(ˊᗜˋ*)

ok so!! my top tip is to try out some life drawing classes! you'll often be expected to capture a full body gesture in 5-15 minutes which really helps you learn break the body down into its simplest forms since you wont have time to work on all the details. i only ever did a few sessions since they were part of a design course i was taking but even that alone definitely helped me streamline my process when it comes to planning out poses and making sure things arent looking too stiff

as for developing a style i honestly dont have a super clear answer bc i still find that i feel like my art is vERY very inconsistent, but even with that being said i do still have a few things that've helped personally!! easiest place to start is finding the tools you enjoy working with, for me i have a handful of brushes in csp that i tend to default to which helps form a little bit of consistency across my drawings (ofc dont be scared to branch out!! it's just handy to know what brushes work best for you). the other thing that's influenced my style is reading lots of comics and spending a lot of time looking at other artists' sketches, if you see a specific feature you like in their work try giving it a go yourself!! i remember noticing the contrast of soft and hard shadows in old oil paintings a few years ago n thinking 'ooh ive gotta try that' and ive been using it on my own art ever since. in the end your own style is greatly just a reflection of little things you've loved seeing in other peoples art and once you combine all those you end up with smth uniquely yours which i just think is awesome tbh

and as for shows n stuff that got me drawing, i dont have the coolest answer but as a kid i got super into drawing my friends as my little pony characters lmao i would spend every minute between classes drawing these stupid little rainbow horses and it actually really got me into picking out colour palettes and helped me build up that muscle memory which was what led into me drawing things that were a little more challenging. even if whatever motivates you to draw is considered kind childish or 'cringy' or whatever, dont stop drawing what you enjoy!! i wouldnt be drawing now without the years of pony doodles on homework as a kid and im glad i embraced it. i hope this can be helpful to you, so sorry for the long read but thanks for getting through it all!! good luck as dont be scared to dm me if you ever have any questions, i'll always do my best to help out :D

#omg this got so long but i did my best to keep it concise #rlly great question!! #ask crow

[brick-a-doodle-do]

vamp au 🧛

timed myself, it took about 16 seconds to come up with this! ty to @beckyu for giving me that list of vampire things :D<3

OKAY sooo

sbi ofc </3 (t!tommy cause we can never have too much tommy :'D aandd g!wil, tech & phil)

i'm not going to make this too long, because i really just want to give out my initial thoughts before i get too deep into worldbuilding,,, i think i'll do it like an ask game kind of--- idk you'll see :D

basic premise: tommy is a borrower who has to move out of the place he's living because the human there is moving. he finds an apartment that just so happens to house a trio--or coven, of vampires. it doesn't take long for the three of them to notice tommy, thanks to their stupidly enhanced senses. that's where the dynamic begins.

first thoughts from list (kind of in order of storyline, more under cut) :

transformations into bats: wilbur. before they reach out to tommy after they discover him, wilbur shifts into a bat and visits tommy regularly, but only when a. emduo is asleep or b. when emduo is away, this is because he knows he shouldn't be doing this.

territories: after the three of them (emduo specifically) discover tommy's existence, they become very cold and sometimes just try and make things harder for the borrower to try and drive him away. it almost worked, had it not been for the bat that stopped by :)

undead and immortal: when tommy realizes that they're onto him, he tries to do things that may like...distract the humans so he can do things without feeling like he's being watched. this ends in him realizing that most of the time, they don't feel shit--all the stuff he throws directly at them just bounces off of them harmlessly. also tommy overhears a conversation about them being able to live forever in past banter between twinsduo

red eyes: techno <3 actually everyone but techno's are much brighter, he's older than the other two,,

instincts to protect: starts with wilbur, branches to techno unwillingly & it goes to phil after he finds himself accidentally trying to care for the borrower.

sires: this doesn't really have any significance, other than phil occasionally calls himself tommy's sire,, just in like a fatherly way <''3

no heartbeats: no significance to the story atm!

blood banks: tommy, after he's a bit more comfortable, offers to sneak into blood banks and steal bags of blood for the trio.

asks about this au would be pretty cool! i want to take it further and i'm having story ideas already,,,,, :D

ty anon for the idea 💞

#talking brick #mw #new au mention #unnamed vampire au #mcyt g/t #mcyt gt #dsmp g/t #dsmp gt #dream smp g/t #dream smp gt #g/t #gt #giant/tiny #g/t thoughts #t!tommy #tiny!tommy #g!wilbur #giant!wilbur #g!techno #giant!techno #g!phil #giant!phil