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#and oh my god if i didnt have therapy for the past several months before this school year began?? not even gonna talk abt that alternative
synchlora · 4 years
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oof
#time to 'talk' whatever that means oh no#wish me luck this is probably abt school#they're pissed i wanna drop a useless class bc im gonna fail it either way so theyre having like some fuckin intervention style bullshit#its almost fuckin funny sfvdgvghvgng#like god if ud have told my ocd ass last year that i was dropping a class w/o batting an eye they would've lost it worse than my parents rn#but we have therapy so thats some growth#i know dropping a class doesnt seem like growth from the outside which is probably why my parents r losing their shit#but i am having some priorities and getting shit done one thing at a time#and oh my god if i didnt have therapy for the past several months before this school year began?? not even gonna talk abt that alternative#like man do u want ur kid to drop one useless class or do u want no kid. these are the options#sorry to get morbid like damn but seriously therapy?? what the fuck man i can actually function now w/o having panic attacks every other#assignment sdvfbvhbvbv#anyway wish me luck and hope that i dont blatantly laugh in my parents faces while they try to be serious oh no#it shouldn't be funny to me but it kinda is honestly like#theyre taking school more serious than me for once and thats fucking hilarious and kinda sad tbh#used to be so high strung abt this shit and now im trying not to be but theyre both still stuck on it#like im glad their anxiety isnt getting to me like i was worried it might but i almost feel bad for them#like if they werent trying to guilt trip me id feel bad but bc of that fact i just. dont pity them#alright im actually going now. may or may not update this if anything happens oh no#time to overshare on tumblr#fuckit: broadcast mental illness#dumbass thots#ocd tag#death mention#suicide tw#<- just vague past allusions. just to be safe
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chamibii · 5 years
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How does that make you feel? - Therapy AU
"How does that make you feel Bakugou?"
Bakugou ground his teeth and rolled his eyes. "You know I hate that question Midoriya."
Midoriya cocked his head subtly and smiled softly. "I know Bakugou, but just humor me. How does that make you feel?"
Bakugou shifted nervously in his seat and attempted to still his leg from tapping. He checked the clock to see how much time he had left in this god forsaken session. Maybe if he doesn't answer, he'd shut the fuck up.
Bakugou was uncomfortable with the silence and Midoriya knew it. "Fuck! Fine. I feel pissed off. Alright?"
Midoriya nods and makes a notation on a piece of paper. "Bakugou, as you know, anger is a secondary emotion.."
Bakugou cuts off his therapist, "If you ask me what my fucking primary emotion was, I swear I'm gonna lose my shit Midoriya."
Midoriya chuckles softly and nods. "Okay Bakugou, I hear you. We have 10 minutes left. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"
Bakugou stood up quickly headed to the door. "No, I'm good. See you later." Bakugou slammed the door shut behind him, not giving his therapist a chance to respond.
This was fucking stupid. He didn't understand why after one incident at work, he had to attend therapy. He had been going to therapy for 6 weeks now and all he felt was irritated.
He knew that he couldn't return back to work if he didn't "take this seriously", as his boss reminded him nearly weekly. He hated doing this shit, but wanted to go back to work, so he scheduled for the same time next week.
---
"How was your week Bakugou?"
He clenched his fists and fought the urge to yell at his therapist. "You know how each week is Midoriya. It doesn't fucking change and won't until you sign off on me going back to work."
Midoriya smiled and tapped his pen against the desk. "You're very guarded still. Don't you believe we should be past that by now?"
Bakugou groaned slightly and took a deep breath. He didnt want to share about his week, because truth be told, it was lonely. Work distracted him and without the distraction, the only thing he had to do was clean or watch television. Bakugou had a few people that he tolerated, but after being ignored for several days, his "friends" stopped reaching out to him.
"If I tell you about my week, can you just, shut up for a while?"
Midoriya nodded and remained silent.
"My week was, hard." Bakugou took a deep breath and continued, "Since the incident, I stay at home. I dont feel like leaving. You happy?"
Midoriya quickly scribbled in Bakugou's chart and dropped his pen. Bakugou heard the chair creak and lifted his eyes to stare angrily at Midoriya. As Midoriya crossed the room to sit next to him, Bakugou stiffened. Midoriya's added weight on the couch caused his heart to race. Just what the fuck was he doing?
Bakugou scowled at Midoriya. He was wary of doing therapy to begin with, but if Midoriya pulled some weird shit, he was just going to have to forget his job and find another.
Midoriya smiled as he turned his body to face Bakugou. He flinched at the sudden contact of Midoriya's hand on his shoulder. Midoriya's eyes flashed with concern, but he softly spoke, addressing the honesty Bakugou had shown.
"This has been really hard on you Bakugou. You believe you've been singled out and this causes you to be angry. Not only that, but you have a total sense of loss of control due to being forced to take leave and seek therapy in order to go back. Even if you don't see it, or you can't acknowledge it, you're making progress and this is a good thing." Midoriya gently squeezed his shoulder.
Bakugou, embarrassed, wrenched his shoulder away from Midoriya. "Progress? Then why am I not back at work?"
Midoriya hummed softly and placed a hand on his chin. "You know, only you can answer that question Bakugou, but I'm willing to come alongside you as you figure it out."
He was so fucking irritated with this shit. He wanted to punch Midoriya in his face and just leave. As he clenched his fists and raised them to his lap, he felt the therapist tense up beside him. Bakugou knew he was going to move back to his side of the room, but the therapist still sat next to him, tense, but unmoving. He looked over at the man and scoffed.
How in the hell was someone who was a few years older than him, supposed to help him with the shit he was going through? He saw the concern, fear, and another look that Bakugou was all too familiar with, in his green eyes. Bakugou raised an eyebrow and smirked at the therapist. He had to admit to himself that part of the reason he continued to return to therapy was because Midoriya was attractive as fuck. Yeah, he wore those stupid cliche therapist sweaters to "appear warm", but when he slid them off his shoulders, Bakugou noticed the muscles rippling underneath his shirt.
Bakugou relaxed his fists and stood up to leave. "I know the session is 50 minutes or whatever, but I'm done for today. Put whatever the fuck you want in your shitty notes. I'll see you next week".
---
Bakugou sat comfortably on the couch, his legs slightly splayed open. After last weekend's interaction with Midoriya, he decided he was going to make therapy interesting. Usually he would come to session in baggy sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, but this week he chose black jeans that hung low on his hips and a red t-shirt that snuggly fit against his chest. He had put in his piercings again and could feel the fabric of his shirt rubbing against his nipple rings which caused his nipples to stand out proudly.
When Midoriya opened the door to call his name, Bakugou chuckled at the brief moment of shock that crossed his face. Midoriya knew that Bakugou witnessed this so he attempted to smooth it over with some psychotherapy bullshit.
"Wow Bakugou! This week must have been a really great week for you. In the nearly two months we've been working together I've never seen you dressed up."
"Dressed up?" Bakugou smirked. "I just put on clothes. Calm down Midoriya."
Bakugou enjoyed the way Midoriya began to flush. A light blush crept across the bridge of his nose and spread to his slightly freckled cheeks. He had to admit, Midoriya was gorgeous. Bakugou leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and placing his chin in his hands. He trained his gaze on Midoriya. Midoriya shifted nervously in his chair and tucked a loose curl behind his hair. Bakugo liked that despite his professional appearance, his therapist kept his hair fairly long and tied back in a ponytail.
"Uh, so last week, you, uh mentioned that you were struggling to leave your apartment. How are you doing this week Bakugou?"
Bakugou made a show of wetting his lips before speaking, knowing that the hint of silver from both of his tongue piercings would catch his therapists eye. "Still rough, but nothing I can't handle."
He felt Midoriya's eyes on his mouth and chuckled to himself at the deepening color on his cheeks. Bakugou raised an eyebrow and leaned back into the couch, slouching slightly, causing the denim to bunch up against his groin. He received the reaction he was waiting for when Midoriya gasped a little and dropped his pen.
"You okay Doctor?" Bakugou made sure to emphasize the title, knowing how this would nearly unravel Midoriya.
"Y-yes, my apologies. I guess I'm a little jittery from too many cups of coffee."
Coffee. Right.
"So, what's been making this week, uh, rough?"
Bakugou crossed his arms and shrugged. "I can't pinpoint it exactly. But after getting into that fight and being told I had to 'tow a line' I've just had too much pent up aggression. I've felt like at any minute I could blow and I didn't want it to be on the first guy that looked at me." He was really proud of the number of double entendres he was sliding in this conversation.
Midoriya chewed nervously on his pen. Bakugou noticed the perfect lips that looked soft and imagined them wrapped around his..
"Bakugou did you hear me?"
"I'm sorry, I spaced out."
"Where did you go just now?"
Oh you know, I was thinking about fucking your pretty mouth and coming down your throat. "Nowhere. I'm just tired. Haven't been sleeping well. How much time do we have left?"
Midoriya looked at his watch and stood, walking over to the door. "We made good progress today, so we can go ahead and end early. I have to prepare for my next client. I'll see you next week?"
Bakugou stood up and stretched slowly, allowing his shirt to creep up slightly, exposing the hint of ink that was on his abdomen and hip. He walked up behind Midoriya, pressing himself into his back, reaching for his jacket. He leaned in close, his lips nearly grazing Midoriya's ear and whispered, "See you next week Doctor".
He had to bite his lip from dissolving in laughter at the sight of the greenette turning bright red. Therapy was going to be fun.
---
Enjoy :)
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toniflackus · 3 years
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#TONIFLACKUS THE QUEEN GOAT LIFE STORY SHE WRECKED HER OWN SHIT UP AND OWNS UP TO IT RESPECT THIS SHIT BITCH
tHIS STARTED OUT AS MY LINKDN SUMMARY AND TURNED INTO MY LIFESTORY ENJOY MY CRAZY ASSHOLE MY LUVS
Transgender gamer girl epic famous streamer on #twich #youtube #facebook #younow. I'm 33 medically retired from the USAF for #bipolar disorder #badconductdiscarch for drug use and selling drugs to my EXwife how set me up with USAF OSI. I have been on a computer for over 28 years working with programming and computer #gamers. I focus only on #MMORPGs. My first #MMORPG was #Runescape look me up  #tflackus #tonyflackus #tonyflackuss im in the TOP #HISCORES of all time :) I started playing #WorldOfWarcaft in 2006 when i joined the #USAF as a #SERE_Instructor I began endgame raiding by 2007 by starting the #guild #NoLifer we were the first to complete the #40ManRaid #QueenButKingAtTheTime. During this time I was a #proSkateboarder for #GlobeShoeCompany while working at #Hy-Vee as a #produceManager. At the age of 17 I graduated #ShawneeMissionNorth @KansasCity while attending #Kstate for #computerProgramming won 6 #contest with my #JAVA abilities. After I broke my ankle and #getWrecked by knee nolle flipping a #13stair i left home with the #USAF to #Japan. I failed out of #SERE training on purpose because im not #HARDCORE and didnt want to be #SpecialOPS so i got a job as a #AircraftFuelSystemMechanic. I won the #SeniorAirmanBelowTheZone in 2009 and sewed on #StaffSargent within 4 year of #MilitaryService.  After 2 years at #kadenaAFB,Japan I when to #KunsanAFB Korea where I launched over 2000 Aircraft #Sorties for #GlobalWarOnTerrorism during this time I was able to get 3 #IncentiveRides on my favorite Airplane the #F-15 that was quite the experience going #mock5 in the air upsidedown lolz! I then went to #NewMexico to #crosstrain into #CyberSecurity I sewed on #E5/StaffSargent and when to #Mississipi for my #CompTIASec+ certificated this test has been the only thing I have ever had to study for in my life its that #HARDASFUCK! I scored at 890/900 the highest they have ever had by the end of my study routine I have over 2,500 notecards of various computer security topics. At my new #USAF+Base in #albuquerque#NM I ran the Crypto/Information Assurance office for the whole base reported directly to the #Commander of the #USAFWING. IP failed alot due to lack of training #USAFSUCKS. In 2012 I attempted suiced for the first time #LIFEisHARD. I slit both wrists from hand to elbow and stabed myself 8 times 3 in each arm and once in the belly and once in the heart #IMCRAZY. #Hospitalized for over 2 years in #Texas at #MilitaryStarUnit @WitchitaFallsTexas. After 6 months of constance observation and IQ tests/Personality Tests they diagnosed me with Sever #ADHD #BiPolarDisorder #MajorDepression and started me on my first over dose of #Adderall I was instantly addicted it made my brain feel #Normal I would get all the girls in the #MentalHospital to give me thier dose #QueenAsAKing. After 9 months i was discharged and moved to #WitchtaKansas @McConnell AFB because there was a big #Stigma with #Depression with the #military. Here my exwife @Amanda and got divorced after she caught me #DressingAsMySelfABeautifulWomen #ThatFuckedMeUp. I got #severlyDepressed and tried to #shootMyself #HOWtheFuckDidIMiss but i did and went and asked for #HELPMEPLZBITCH then i went to the military Star UNIT in KansasCityKansaS and got 100% sober no more #Adderall #Acid #coke #meth #weed #alcohol #cigerets #spice #K2 #heroin #YEAHiDidITAllSon. I went #GODMODE on life was more #MANIC then ever i learned how to control my #BloodPressure and could purposely raise it to well over 250 over 150 to scare the shit out of the #Nurses loz #BOSSBITCH! The director of the #Hospital told me to #STARTartTherapy because I #REFUSED to #talkAboutMyEmotions in #Therapy and I did. For the first time in my life I felt #Artistic with my #ZENARTWORK #TATTOODESIGNS. After 3 months I started #communicating with the #FUCKINGTHERIPIST and #THATKINGOFAMAN told me that I was a #ENFJ and i was like #IDONTGIVE2SHITSDUDEHURRYupIMissMyWoWGuilDies then he explaned to me what that was and i was like im a #IntrovertYouFuckStain and he was like #STFUandListen and I finally did right before I was discharged he said I was going to come down from this #GODLIKE #MANIA and it was going to be bad unless I took #BiPolarMeds and I said #GOEATADICKnoMoreDrugsForToni. I was discharged one week after my first sons 2nd #bDay #AtticusWasSad so was I. I went baCk to @McConnelAFB to live in my 3,000 SQ house all by myself #LONELYASFUCK I was #MAnic for the next 3 Months sleeping once a week eating #Japaneze curry on the weekend and nothing during the week #WorkedHARDASFUCK for the #SHITTYUSAFMILIARY #GOTNORESPECTFORMYWORK #SUPERVISORDIDNOTCAREABOUTMEBECAUSETHEYCAUGHTMEDRESSINGUPASAGIRL #TRANS_ISSUES. JUST LIKE THE DOCTOR SAID THE MANIA WORE OFF AND #HOLYFUCKINGSHITDIDREALITY HIT #HARDASATONOFBRICKS BUT TONI WAS DONE FUCKING AROUND WITH #SUICIDEATTEMPTS SO #TONI RESEARCHED HOW TO KILL MYSELF WITHOUT ANYPAIN FIGURED OUT HOW #I3WONTTELLYOU TOOK #1MONTH TO ORDER THE #SUPPLIES FOR VARRIOUS #3RDWORLDCONTRIES THEN SET UP MY #DEATHBED AND SET IT ALL UP LAID DONE WAS GOING TO PRESS THE BUTTON BUT THEN #JESUS #LITERLLY TOLD ME NOT TO #cantExplainTheFeelingAllOfASuddenFeltLikeLiving but i choose to start doing #adderal again. #adderall worked for 6 months then #THISBITCH needed more #MORE and I met a #drugDealerGirl #shewasBBWBlackGirl and yes we #hooke3dUP. Started doing a drug called #TONY lol yea im suck a #BADBITCH they named this synthetic cocane after me #QUEENTONI. #DUMBASSEXWIFE learned of my drug use and #Snitched on me to #USA_OSI they set up a #StingOperation and I #SOLDDRUGS TO MY #FUCKING3EX. #THATWASDUMB #mILITARY STARTED DOING 24 HOUR SURVALANCE ON MY HOUSE AND TAPPED MY COMPUTERS AND PHONE BUT #TONIKNOWBITCH BUT #TONIWAS #PYCOTIC DUE TO #DRUGS SO i keept doing them anyway I would get #FUCKADRUGTEST everyweek and I told my #commander Im test #positive for #WEED/METH/COKE/ACID/ADDERAL AND THEY SAID WELL THEN STOP AND I SAID #iCANTINEEDHELPSENDMEBAcKTOHOSPITALPLZSIR AND THEY SAID #fUCKYOUWIERD. BASICALLY because they knew i dressed like a women at home they refused to help me to push me at of the #fuckingMilitary! After 4 months of being constatly watched my #anxiety was #rediculy and i was #ready to us the #DEATHMACHINEiMade but my #drugDealingGirlFriend convinced me to #runaway with her. so I went #AWOL #LOLRUNTONIRUN  QUITE unsucsessfully i might add i was on the #road for #3wholeDays when i got caught at #GAMESTOP selling my #3DS for some #FOODMONEY SO I COULD #FEEDMYGIRL THEY BUT ME IN MILITARY JAIL. While in #jail the onlything to do was @artwork #ZenTangle #tattoo designs so that is what i did #InowSellMyArtBTW50$for my big pieces #20$for littleones #gottamakeThatMoney The onlything i could do was read but the only #fuckingbook they had was the Fucking  #bible and i was a #scientific person so i was like #fuckthatshit but i eventually did pick it up and starting reading it like ascience gbook so like i was like im prove this shit #WRONG AS FUCK but i started to #believeINGOD like WTF i was like this is like a book of LIFE and it changed my #MYLIFEBRO so i read the whole #FUCKINGBIBLE word for word includeing leviticus which is just a bunch of wieghts and measure @LOLLS my favorite passages are the #job #eclisiasties i swear to GOD and JESUS that #eclisiasties was #BIPOLAR and #ADHD like me basically his life was devoted to finding #HAPPINESS in all aspects like money women art and i can relate i have been very successful but was never happy untill i found #JESUS lol its crazy for 25 years i was a anthiest but after reading the bible for myself i found my faith in a HIGHER power before that i was the #MUTHAFUCKINGHIGHTPOWERBITCH i was sooo smart and i could do anything i fucking #SETMYMINDtoooo :))) but that is not tru i could not stope #ADDERAL without #GOD and now that i have #GOD is till #FUCKMYOWNLIFEUPONTHEDAIly lolz but hey we all have to learn somewhy right but for #TONI i have to learn from self harm lolz my like #HARDBUTEASYIFIListenToMyself i give amazing life advicce but have a #FUKCING hard time doing it #myself :P as i was reading the bible i relised two things!! right so the first was the jesus is a THE fucking #KINGofGoats right all that mutherfucker did was #HELP #everybody right he didnt care if you got dick in your ass or [pussy he didnt care if you masterbated he didnt care about marking your body with tattoo he just #LOVED right but the FUCKING #aposiles or his #FOLLOWERS well they put human thought into his message of love and fucked it all up they put resrtictions on love and on gods love #FUCKTHATSHIT #GOD loves his one and only son like i love my two son and his son #JESUS says love love love #BITCHLOVEisAllYouNeedToDoToGetIntoHeaven love jesus accept him and when you die you will be with #THEKINGHIMFUCKINGSLEF right so the otgher thing is that #GODISADICKRIGHT lolssss hekilled his own son lol #THAT IS FUCK UP right i would never is #JESUS told me to harm my son i would #GOTOTHEDEVEL lol :) but #GODISAPINMP right what does god #DO well #godDOESWHATHEWANTS lol so i learned the #TONI is like #GOD guess what i do in life i was created by #god and i will live like both #JESUS and #god i will #LOVEYOUALLMUTHAFUCKERS and i will #DOwhatIFuckikingWant that reminds me #TwitchCanSuckMyFemalCokeWhile i still have it for trying to IPBan me fuck you I tried to get a job with you and got an interview and you said my #PAST was too much #FUCKTHATSHIT :P so fuck you I will become so famous that I #TAKE all you viewers and port them to my own website im designing bitch #www.toniflackuslive24/7.com :P fuck you @twich :P where were we oh yea i was in jail for the fist time doing art and reading the bible so now that that happen i was like wayyyyyyyy sucidal so i was like how #DaaaFuck do i #KILLmySelf in jail when they wont even let me wear clothes lol for real i was naked in my jail cell cuz i was #suicidal they would watch me eat and only give me a plastic spoon lik WTF i did even get a blanket or mattress i slept on the #FUCKING #METALBED i still haVe back problem because of that shit for 33 days i went thourgh hell and #JESUS is the only thing that keep me going but after a while #Jesus was not enough i found a way to #killMyself i bent the copper pipe off the tolet by putting my arm around it and flexing #atTheTime im jittery because i abused aderall for 8 years i did 210 mg a day i would stay up for weeks at a time you fuck yes adderal is sythetic pharmacudical meth and its powerfull 210 mtg would kill most people via heart attack now i have to check my blood pressure and if it getting above 175 over 110 i have to drink #BEER to calm down ok lets  play bdo sorry #readers i was oon my twitch!! ok back to the story at hand let me put on so music **break from lifestory and im do rado facts** #######################Rando FACTS about your #ToniISTheFuckingQueenGOAT######### 1) I dont kno the english alphabet but i do the the japanese one 2)I didnt learn to read or write until i was in 3rd grade 3)i have been sexually active from the age of 12 4)my first girlfriend was 16 and she would put stuff in my ass and i loved it!!!! 5)im ambidexterious which means i can do stuff with both hand *wink* *wink* 6)my nickname in los angles was "Blackus" because i only had black friends so i was a big time Wigger lolz 7)i wrote my first java program when i was 7 years old it was a worm that multipled on a hardrive until it was full i ran it on my step dads network and he beat the shit out of me for a week lol #bossbitch 8)my stepdad i call him KEVdad was a CIO for the Shawnee mission school district and we had the backup sever farm in our basement so i have been a #NETWORKADMIN since the age of 5 9)in the metal hospital i hacked thier computer and gained #ROOT lvl access with the first week of being there i allowed all the #patients to look at #porn #lolz i got banned from using the computer but i never gave them the #ROOTPASSWORD back lol!!! to this day i can log into thier network :P 10)i have always been transgender i have a female life prospective and a female brain 11)i have yet to have sex with a man mutually i have been raped 5 times 12)i dont like my penis never have 13)im getting my sex change in Tailand when i earn eno money 14)i stream on chaterbate look up trangendertoni 15)i havent had sex in 3 years lol yes that is why im sooo randy #lolhornybitch 16)i have a boyfriend his name is ricky and he will be the first one to get me :) he is a famous streamer #Reaper_kings_ 17) i have 2 sons Atticus James Flackus 8 years old luca Efften Flackus 5 years soon old 18) i was born on december 25 1987 19)i have been a video gamer for over 27 years i only play RPG game and even then they have to be japanese style not american li8ke skyrim i own every single jap RPG that was ever made 20) i wrote the first guide on #gamefaqs for FFVII me and my friend @archon009 found the bug that let you #DUP item and we posted it back in 1997 :P 21) i play FFVII every year and max out the materia and lvl up all char to 99 and get all ultimate weapons 22) i was a beta tester for Runescape World of warcraft and BlackDesert online 23)i need to pee fuck me i wish i had a cathitor 24)my resting blood pressure is 140 over 90 25)i can read and write in japanese better than english 26)i have 78 paid for Black Desert Online account i have spent over 250,000 USD on ingame items and accounts lol #BOSSLVLSPENDING 27)my current exWife used to beat me up for spending money on video games 28)i have been to jail twice one for selling and doing drugs in the #USaF and then most recently was released from jail after 23 days for threatening to kill @angel colon for calling me a trans faggot #FUCKTHATGUY 29)i eat maybe once a day sometimes i dont eat :P 30)i smoke over 100 cigs a day yes i will die of cancer 31) im still writeing rando facts about myself guys if you wanna read the whole thing go to @facebook goolgle #toniflackus 32) my best friend @rob "the steamboat" fulton is deaF so i learned sign laungange at a young age you will see me do alot of it on steam i miss him #ALOT but now that im a #GIRL he dosnt talk to me 33)i have 2 sister amber 35 andrea 40 and one brother adom 39 we were all in the #USAF #Amber Casados my sister is the only one that talke to me after i came out 4 months ago #transgender my mom #DISOWNEDMYASS and my #STEPDAD said he would #KILL me if i came to visit #IWOULDKILLHIMFIRSTBITCH #lol 34) i have been on estogen and testoterone blockers for 4 months 35) im bipolar with phycotic featurs which means i tend to go #MANIC and stay that 3wasy for DAYS #IMHIGHASFUCKWITHNODRUGSBITCH 36)my most priced possestion is my newly forming boobds lol :) i love them i wont ever get fake boob not that i dont like #BIGTITAREFUNTOPLAYWITH its just i want natural little titties :P 37) all my #twitchmoney i give away #GIVEAWAYS WEEKLY 38) my ex @kayleigh Anh Daniels was a #SUPERMODEL 39 my first wife @Amanda Lynn Jennings was a weed dealer and was being abused by a house full of guys eet off craiglist and she came over and we fucked and then i found out about all that shit that was happening i left my USAF job within minutes and went over and bitch the shit out of lik 4 dudes and took her home with me we got married the next month 40) i have done every drug that i have researched and goten my hands onto my fav #DOC (drug of choice) is adderal 41)i have not done an illegal drug is 7 years and stop3ed abuseing my adderal 7 months ago i have told all my doctors that im a #DRUGADDICT and not to prescribe anything addictive #DAMiRegretSayingThat #missThatAdderalHIGH 42)i stream my whole life 24/7 even when im banned from #twichIsABtich i stream on #facebook #younow #youtube #multipleTwitchAccount just google #toniflackus 43)i was on the FBI most wanted list for going AWOL because i held the highest security clearance within the military because i worked directly on the SIPRnet the (secret)(topSecret) intranet of the Department of Defence they found me within 3 days 44) twitch is going to find with within the next few hours so #FUCKME lolz im try and log into my main twitch toniflackus #LETS{PRAY IT WORKS #NOPE STILL BANNED #im take a break if you wanna read all this shit im writing go to my facebook toniflackus #smokebreak im go outside and get some fresh air guys luv you #missmyBoyfriend #missmySons #missmyExwife #ok this shit is too much #emotions #imply video#games
#THATSUCKSBIGDICKSANDDIRTYHAIRYONESTHATLOOKFUNNY!!!    ###MORE TO COME IF YOU WANT###
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smilesandcurls · 6 years
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09 October, 2017
So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.
My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.
Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.
My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.
This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.
Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.
Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.
I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.
My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.
In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on
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letsleep-away · 7 years
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Can you share your experience of what it's like being in a psych ward? I've always tried to avoid getting myself into one. Does it ever help at all or does it become another problem/burden with whatever that comes along with it? Also all the best to you, and hope you get well soon.
The number one advice I will give someone is to do their research. If you know you will end up in one, work things around so you at least end up in a good one because psych wards can be dramatically different from one another and it can be the difference between helpful or traumatic. I’ve been to two different ones so far and a psychiatric emergency center. I will put my experiences underneath  because it will be kinda long
1. Emergency psychiatric center: not a psych ward, but if you go to the ER they might send you to one of these. This place is more of a 24-48 hour thing where they figure out where they will place you.(skip this process if you can). In my experience, it was pretty bad. You are basically in a big room with a lot of couches and beds with people who can be very severely mentally ill and sometimes aggressive(so you have to see tons of people being retrained and sedated …and at times unfairly) to people who are just there bc they got drunk and got in a fight/got destructive and had to choose between jail or eps. I was just 19 and most of the people there were 26ish. The nurses totally did not keep confidentially and told my parents everything. It was pretty bad. 
2. Now actual psych wards:
- Rooms/bathrooms: this will be different depending on where you are. On my first psych ward you shared a room and there were communal showers and bathrooms. on my second one we each got our own beds with a personal bathroom, the doors for these bathrooms were held by a plastic thing so you couldn’t lock yourself in there but it was pretty nice. 
-Food: food was good at both places I was at. you could choose your own menu in the second place and it ranged from salads to pizza and burgers and stuff like that. All three meals were at the same time every day but if you didn’t want to eat it at that time they just placed your tray somewhere and you could eat whenever you wanted to. There was always crackers or milk or snacks on both places. 
-Belongings: Phones and every item of clothing with strings is taken away. sometimes if you come with a bag of clothes they even take that and its hard to get that clothes back, so its easier if fam/friends, bring you stuff afterwards. No strings or anything that you can use to harm yourself is allowed in the clothes and most places let you keep your shoes if you take out the laces. Most people just walk around in socks that they give you there though. They have phones there that you can use to call your friends, fam and people can call there too, usually patients answer and look for the person who is being called. 
-Coffee/ Smoking: prohibited in both that I went
- Sedating patients with meds is SO common. Only in the first place did I ever see them physically restraint a patient…but I swear psych wards give anti anxiety meds like candy its annoying
-Groups/activities: pretty boring and standard. In both that I went to, going to groups was completely voluntary but it was a plus to being allowed to leave the ward so I always went. Because the severity of mental illness between patients, most groups were taught in such a way that it felt like I was in elementary school. After a while I got used to it though. 
-Nurses: So in every day and shift you are assigned a nurse. They will give you your meds and if you have any concerns of questions you go to them. Some can be super nice and some are rude and annoying AF. I’ve had both. 
-Psychiatrists: OH MY GOD. LIKE IS ONE of the fucking requirements that all psychiatrists be assholes???? The first one I went to she told me I was borderline and doing everything for attention and didnt want to let me out. The second one in the second psych ward told me he wasn’t getting me on meds because i would “overdose on them” and the third one I saw in the same fucking psych ward on my second attempt WOULDNT let me leave without having a confirmed psychiatrist appointment even though it was impossible to get it to soon and I was way past my 72 hour hold and was not suicidal anymore. the nurses helped me lie in order to be allowed to leave. He prescribed me a med that is an anti depressant But also an appetite stimulant when I told him I was bulimic. the thing with bulimia though is you BINGE a fuck ton…so why would an appetite stimulant work???and he kept on asking me daily if i was eating??like wrong fucking eating disorder dude. He was 80 and could barely walk and was missing half his teeth and his appointments with me were no more than 5 minutes. I thought I was getting locked in there forever. 
So positives of psych ward: first couple of days tbh its super helpful. some groups do teach you knew things and being away from your daily stressors and having no choice is pretty relaxing. you can read or watch t.v all day knowing that you really have no choice but to just be in the moment. its a good place for thinking and being able to talk to others about what you are struggling about. I found friendships easily there. Although there are patients there who can make no sense (first psych ward this guy said i looked like his uncle and called me Tim the whole time I was there. He always always asked if I did cocaine for some reason. On the second psych ward, this patient always came into my room and cried in the corner asking me to hold her hand because she was scared and wanted confirmation that god loved her and forgiveness..it was sad at first but when the meds made me drowsy i just wanted her out of my room) there are also patients there that you immediately bond with. Like in both i had my friends who i sat with and had movie night at night time with and talked about dating and how crazy the doctors were and just how sucky depression was and things like that. 
Negatives: Leaving is ALWAYS an issue. Wether you are on a hold or voluntary it doesn’t matter. If you leave against medical advice, your insurance can choose not to cover your stay(in the U.S) so unless you have thousands of dollars, you have to stay until you are told you can leave…which the psychiatrists have absolute decision making in that process. I always stay longer than necessary and have to fight my way to be let out. It feels like a prison towards the end and its pretty scary. This girl where I was at had a different psychiatrist..shes only 18 and she was wanting to already give her electric shock therapy and discontinued her meds because she didnt want to. She diagnosed her all fuckd up and wrong and she was giving people lithium and thyroid medicine when they didnt need it. She always was keeping the girl in for over a month…which is crazy. Mine would have dragged my stay but the nurses lied for me and helped me out and in the first ward my parents argued. When you switch over from a 51/50(72 hour hold) and they ask you if you want to do voluntary, always say no and they’ll put you on a 52/50…which means 14 day hold but all of those need hearings and most psych wards release you right before the hearing because they know they’ll loose. Some wards actually are pretty bad and terrifying so please please always research before you go to one.
This totally might be different if you are there voluntarily though. I was always there because of self harm or because i overdosed and came in with a 51/50 so yeh. 
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