#and retreating on myself

[uncanny-tranny]

I think what might actually help the families of trans loved ones is to actually engage with where the trans person is at - especially if the family isn't quite understanding yet. When I came out, I was completely alone in figuring out my manhood. I had peers and I had exposed myself to so many trans people who explored gender, and while it was amazing, it isn't quite the same at times. I grieve quietly, sometimes, about all the missed opportunities that might have just made it easier for my family to have seen how utterly happy I was. It took them a very long time to actually notice that I was happy, especially once I got on testosterone. I'm lucky that they saw that happiness eventually, and slowly accepted it. My manhood is completely detached from their influence, both to my relief and chagrin. It's sad to me that I learned to shave from a kind online stranger, somebody who didn't even have a father and yet, I do. I have a father. I grieve at the loss of a potential shared experience. I grieve about the pain I went through when I was in that stage of transition, especially because it was raw and vulnerable. I grieve that many trans people today are traversing the path I had to, because it's sometimes lonely (even when you do have other forms of support).

It's hard to know that I will never have gotten my sense of being from my family. In many ways, it has severed a lot of connection with them because there were so many times that I was begging them to see happiness when they were focused on the idea that I was almost in a state of purgatory - flesh which felt warm but held no familiarity to them. I don't harbor ill-will toward them, I hope I don't leave the impression that I despise them. I understand what they felt, even if I can't conceptualize it myself. However, it's a raw wound in my heart, and I don't want to leave anybody else feeling that way, either.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #ally advice #i'm thankful that my manhood is the way it is. but it was a painful journey to get here and i did it partially alone #i absolutely am grateful to have had my friends and the trans people who made themselves known though. i owe these people my life #i still think it's not unreasonable to have wished for my /family/ to have been part of that journey sooner especially when i was young #sometimes it seems like parents who believe their child has died after they express their transness make that a self-fulfilling prophecy... #...in that the parent often aloenates themself/themselves from their child in a variety of ways... #...i was alienated from my dad when he threatened my transition - it became a self-fulfilling prophecy in that i shut myself down... #...i retreated inward and in a way became a ghost - corporeal to the touch but a spirit who may not be seen... #...in many ways i felt in limbo between life and death. it was a cycle of purgatory #and that is something i think is best avoided. it's lonely and scary and it makes it hard to imagine a future #i need to emphasize that even though this was shitty i am still lucky in so many ways #i just faced a lot of undue shit even so - shit i don't think was conducive to a good environment or well-being

[wikitpowers]

imagine ty not looking at kit’s eyes but instead focusing on his lips all the time and it makes it so difficult for him to not kiss kit senseless

#he’s all oh shit nope nope gotta look somewhere else #OH FUCK NOT THE FRECKLE NOT THE GODDAM FRECKLE #SHIT SHIT SHIT RETREAT RETREAT #tell me why im laughing at myself #(oh WAIT it’s bc i’m freaking hilarious) #and this scene will happen mark my words🫢 #ty blackthorn #kit herondale #kit x ty #kitty #the last king of faerie #the dark artifices #the wicked powers #tda #twp #tsc

[museaway]

opening tumblr is like walking into a familiar room and dropping down onto a comfy couch where you flip through pleasant updates from your friends who are lounging on couches of their own

#tumblr #I was on Twitter for too long today #That site is so angry #I don't feel like writing #again #so I'm trying not to push myself too hard #since we have the writing retreat this weekend

[horsegir1]

about a month and a half ago i started meditating pretty consistently every day for only 10 minutes and it's actually lifechanging i'm so serious

#calm happy unstressed easygoing never freaking out able to roll with unexpected events and keep other people's bad moods off me #going to ramp up to 20 minutes this week i think! #i was really skeptical when i started but i told myself i'd try it for just a month #and you don't really notice the way it changes you because it's not a spontaneous moment but life just gets more easy and stable ? #things come up of course but the way i handle those things are so different from the way i wouldve handled them like... earlier this year #eventually i want to go on a vipassana retreat but def have to build up to that

[shopwitchvamp]

New bio just dropped-

Main highlights with added info:

-A reminder to please email us if you've got order questions or need help. Social media DMs aren't reliable and also make it much harder to connect you to your order, etc. Plus my bf is just way better at customer service than me lol, so if you email us things will get handled 1000x faster!!

-Anon asks have been disabled. End of an era, truly. But anon hate these days is so boring and uncreative anyway so what's the point. If you want to send an ask and not have it posted publically, just let me know if the ask. (But in that case, once again, it's probably a situation where you're better off emailing us rather than sending an ask that Tumblr may or may not eat depending on how hungry it is that day)

-Also I finally put into our tumblr bio that yes we are still just a 2-person business. I hear tell that my shop makes us appear to be a much bigger operation than we actually are (btw thank you so much for thinking things are too polished to possibly be a tiny business run by 2 people and a middle-manager dog out of an apartment), but please keep that in mind when it comes to what we're able to handle, how quickly we can expand/add products, things often being out of stock, etc etc.

#witch vamp #tumblr bio #bio update #announcement #also also about anon asks i pretty much woke up today and was like you know what! i value myself too much these days to leave anon asks on #lol #now asks are ya'lls problem instead of mine #although if *you* aren't a problem it won't be a problem anyways #and reiterating here in the tags again that if you have any kind of order issue or shop question pls pls just email us #i do tend to see things here at least (unlike twitter where it hides DMs from non-mutuals and i end up finding them like 2 weeks late) #but trying to run customer service from social media sucks and we'll all have a much better experience if you send us a support email #anyway all of this is just more steps towards living the hermit life of my dreams. retreating into my hovel and becoming inaccessable~ #expect more #haha

[wannabewriterlol]

Me reading All for the Game fluff

#I’ve retreated into myself after the poppy wars #I need my babies to make me feel better #and fanfiction #lots of fanfiction #and I can’t find any poppy wars fluff #any recs? #andrew minyard #kevin day #neil josten #the foxhole court #aaron minyard #the raven king #allison reynolds #renee walker #all the kings men #matt boyd #the foxes #the poppy war #the dragon republic #the burning god #fang runin #yin nezha #chen kitay

[krisptoaster]

I have started becoming less and less normal about Nevermore(the webtoon) and that worries me...

#nevermore webtoon #hyperfixation #I am learning things about myself #I do not like this #Go back #retreat #abort #nahhh I accept this now

[honesttoglob]

Me: Man, I should really watch Cats! The Musical so I can understand all these great Bigtop Burger references.

Me: Watches the first minute of Cats! The Musical and sees all the sexy furry cat people shimmying and cavorting and crawling around and rubbing their bodies against each other in skin-tight stripy leotards

Me: Man, you know what, maybe... maybe next time, actually. Definitely next time.

#bigtop burger #Im not trying to shame Cats the musical or anyone who likes it #but everytime I try to watch it I cringe into my skin like a hermit crab retreating into my shell and I don't know why #I want to watch it to get all the btb lore so bad #but I just CANTTTT #I'm going to try to introduce myself to it gradually #like immersion therapy #wish me luck

[naramdil]

i used to want to live a big, shiny, 'larger than life' life, a life that the young version of me trapped in my small hometown aspired to live so badly. i always wanted to "be" someone and now the older i get the less i value these things and the more i realize that those were not so much my own dreams but fantasies of success that i was conditioned to view as an epitome of what it means to be a fulfilled person. but now i just want to live a quiet and peaceful and stable life. i want comfort and home and love. and i want to be nurturing and pour love into all of those things that i used to view as simple and inconsequential. bc the world keeps growing harder and there's nothing more precious than having solace.

#i think the more of the world i see the more i just want to retreat into myself... i realize that my peace and comfort is more important #like grind culture is soooo unappealing to me i cant do it i dont want it #pp

[lale-txt]

from edging on a panic attack throughout the train ride to standing front row during a concert of one of my fav bands within two hours wahooo

#it was only for 1-2 songs before retreating to the back again but still #the last time i stood there was almost 15 years ago #i don't talk a lot about my issues™️ here but tonight i felt really proud of myself #and i want to celebrate those small moments more instead of brushing them off #this achievement was unlocked by going to therapy 3x a week since almost a year #so it's not like i magically cured my panic disorder by breathing correctly and naming 5 things i can see 4 things i can yada yada #it's such hard work and i'm still at the very beginning of everything but damn it feels so nice to FEEL things getting better #tiny tiny things but step by step #it can get better it can get better it can get better #lale.txt

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something' #like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :) #if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away. #and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?' #dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

[mutimatuti]

I really wish I wasn't this picky when it comes to media

it's been so long since fiction made me feel something is a compelling piece of writing really so much to ask??

#I'm always too afraid to check out new stuff bc most of it makes me feel empty and I convince myself it's a waste of time #and compels me to retreat into my mind #the only media I've enjoyed for like 10 years have been rpgs bc I can make stuff up in them so it doesn't matter that I hate the story #doing the writers' heavy lifting for them. 👎

[aroaceofthesea]

I know whenever goncharov starts trending again bc my goncharov posts start getting notes like crazy again

#goncharov #its so funny #i will get one note and be like #oh no #and i will run to the trending tags and see goncharov in there and quietly retreat for the avalanche #(after rbing myself the first tenish posts in the tag #of course)

[tomatoluvr69]

What’s up tumblr hope you had a super fun leap day. sparkle on. big news my first seed start sprouted while I was at work ✨

#might have to change the url bc I’m in my collard era lol #my day was alright #I ate some shrimp curry that I’d accidentally left out all night and was fine bc I’m a scavenger of a person #then bc I started to feel PMDD fatigue I laid in bed with great elan til my shift started #then I spilled coffee all over my work clothes bc I stuck it in a very sketchy travel mug someone left in our house at the last party #and I listened to Screamin Jay Hawkins on the ride to work which was fun #work was a bit chaotic but uneventful and got to spend a huge chunk of it outside #it seems I have way better ball control than I did when I was a kid. whyyy now. i was such a loser I could have used some athleticism #but I’m so glad it’s the weekend so I can go palliative care mode which is what I call my lizard brumation pmdd phase #and stopped by a friend’s house after work which was nice #really rejuvenating #then made a sort of weird frittata w/ beets peppers and potatoes bc I was too tired to actually cook #watched sense and sensibility 1995 and really liked it although I found myself wishing for a bit more anguish. sorry #and I think I might set out one of the frozen almond croissants to proof overnight so I can bake it for bfast tomorrow #will go for a very short swim but probably only about 30 min bc of aforementioned fatigue. then pick up yogurt and a silly little treat #and will have ****** and **** for dinner either tomorrow or Saturday which will be nice #but really hoping Saturday because **** **** ** **** lol #and then Sunday I’m trepidatious about because **** was like what are you doing Sunday and I’m like well I guess having a fraught and #difficult conversation about our dynamic! lol #I’m very lucky to have proactive friends who are good communicators. truly I do not deserve his kindness. but like. god. let me retreat and #lick my wounds! #i shan’t get into it. but just know I know how S&G felt #and then another work week but I’m starting to really get a feel for the routine and what works and what doesn’t #and I’m excited for my next few meal preps we got millet and kale gratin #and a Lebanese chickpea dish the name of which unfortunately escapes me atm #but my mouth is watering thinking about it. saw a vid and was instantly influenced and went to the pantry to see if I had the stuff and I #dooooooooooo #and I do feel like I’m beginning to get past the worst of [event] and its sadness

[tvrningout]

what if… i said i might wanna try writing on discord… how would we feel

#not long term! but in the event that i don’t have it in me to be here #bc ngl sometimes tumblr doesn’t help my mental state :’ ) #i just wanna have ways of still being able to write with some of my mutuals #and running a blog is a lot of work. trying to reach out and build interactions is a lot of work #and it’s fun work! but when i’m already feeling overwhelmed by my life outside of tumblr it can be a little much i think #i dunno i’m just thinking bc i don’t wanna feel disconnected from everyone i don’t wanna disappear for a few months like before #it’s very easy to just retreat into my bubble and keep to myself and leave people be but like :( i wanna keep bugging my friends on here :( #asdfgh i’m being silly but really i don’t wanna miss out on chatting with y’all and smushing our characters together #i worry about creating distance unintentionally bc i’m in a ‘rest’ period of my life #i’m rambling atp :’ ) but pls just know i care so much about y’all!! and i do miss y’all to bits!! #and just bc i’m not here doesn’t mean i’m not thinking about our dorks or cooking up new stuff to hit y’all with later hehe #but pls take care of yourselves pace yourselves be kind to yourselves #you deserve it i promise you do 💜 #get ready to ramble | ooc

[tiny-cloud-of-flowers]

To provide some clarity/as a heads-up: I am currently entering what I have started to refer to as “crunch weekend”. To cut a long story short, I have two essays and a 15-minute presentation to start and then also finish within the next two or three days. This is a lot of work.

This means I will probably not have much time to be around very much in terms of actually posting or keeping up with the dashboard, but I will still try and catch back up with things when I take breaks - I just cannot guarantee I’ll be around as much, for the aforementioned reasons. Especially since I would also like to get some sleep this weekend.

I will continue with everything F/Ovember-related after I’ve submitted the last essay on Tuesday, and F/Ovember asks will most likely take priority over non-F/Ovember asks, so that I can get the event complete before the month is done. My dream is to have an empty inbox before the year’s end, but I have literal dozens of things in there, so.. something tells me that’s not happening considering how much thought answering asks tends to take, ahaha

#heart of the void #blog logistics #if you want me you can message me #or tag me in something #and I *should* see that #but yes I should probably retreat a bit for the time being #these are the joys of the most difficult semester of all #(according to multiple fourth-year students I have spoken to anyway. I am hoping they were right. it certainly feels like they were.) #I generally think I’m pretty good at taking time to take care of myself #I’m not one of those people who just ends up living in the library 24/7 to study or revise or anything #self-care is important and rest is a vital part of that