#and she just. switches back and forth no issue. she's like 3-4 and speaking both languages as fluently as your average toddler speaks

[ddarker-dreams]

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID THE TRUTH.

I admit that i enjoyed act 3 but it feels like really rushed i have so much complain with that.

The build up until act 2 was so good it give us so much premise but the final blow si meh. Sorry that i want to share thing long rant with you

1. Why the final talk is with yae, no offense to her but we need ei to explain not to mention she witness khaenriah downfall so she can give us more information, i feel like they do it for the plot armor so they can just keep dragging this

2. So many things that quite inconsistant, the shogun is show no mercy to anyone that even did a little thing outside what she think its right, how come she can still have a talk with signora, when sara is falling like that, and also there is no clarification about sara right now.

The traveler was so done at first they refuse to help thoma and ayaka at the beginning. But they seem so happy and forget everything how come they are not RAGE ( okay maybe this is to bias and personal) when this nation provide nothing about our siblings information and also why they are not mention anything about their problem in ei stroy quest. Its nonsense! She is right in front of youu, ask about your siblings, ask about khaenriah, ask about ukmown god!!. How come they can just forget like that. Also mihoyo really waste the potential about twin things i thing ei will give us so much help bcs of the sympathy that we both rn lost our twin but noooo.

3. Kokomi seem lost some brain cell, she make a very succesfull grand intro but she become meh in act 3, how come a great strategist like her let the sus sponsorship slip just bcs they are desperate, not to mention her screen time is really small and her role seem so unsignificant and it feels lile she is a plain npc.

4. The awesome world quest that we have done doesnt get any mention at all! Inazuma owe us so much with cleansing sakura, thunder sakura, tatarigami, obarashi quest. It has so much potential that yae or ei or anyone else aknowledge what traveler has been done but nooo.

cracks knuckles... i suppose it's time for my promised dissertation. interestingly enough, you touched on a lot of the main issues i had with chapter III.

i think that if i had to pin the main issue, it's a lack of overall cohesiveness? we were jumping all over the place without the chance to ever flesh things out. inazuma is a smaller cast, but i feel like we didn't get to see any of them shine. since i'm most interested in the genshin characters, i'll break down my problems by going over everyone and their (lack) of impact on the story.

was ayaka not questioned or placed under suspicion for being close to thoma before his escape? i wanted to see her broken up over her duties as they relate to the yashiro commission, paired with having someone she genuinely cares about in danger. it would've been an interesting struggle if she was forced to choose one or the other. instead she just kinda took a back seat.

speaking of thoma, i don't even have anything to say, because he just... was there? for .0001 seconds. said "lol this sucks ig" and that's about it. i know we're going to get a story for him in the future since he's a 5* but i'm not getting my hopes up 😭 then in the raiden shogun's character story, man is peachy keen! be upset with the raiden shogun! have some inner conflict! even if it's just using loaded language because he's under surveillance for going against the raiden shogun, that'd be so cool. saying something like,

"Traveler, what's with that expression? Oh please, there's nothing to worry about. We're under the Statue of the Omnipresent God's protection. Nothing bad has ever happened here." *wink*

i also don't know what to say about gorou. he was... there....... i think. what is he fighting for? what are the stakes for him? what makes him place so much trust into kokomi? i'm out of things to say about him because i don't remember anything he did or said.

kokomi... oh kokomi... i was so hyped. so excited. i thought that maybe we could see a foil to the raiden shogun. that she'd have a moment where she's forced to realize, just like her opponent, sacrifices must be made that will hurt people who will never understand why she made them. or maybe something to show her military prowess. but instead she just accepts a mysterious patron's help (?), sees her people aging like the grateful dead from JJBA, and goes oh well. that sucks. what can ya do. oh bye traveler i guess, good luck with that. ????????????? HUH... similar case to thoma where she's gonna get a character story but like. she won't be the leader of the resistance anymore. that was her whole shtick. they took her shtick away. also she forced me to interact with more NPCs whose names i've already forgotten so i'm tilted about that still.

KUJOU SARA... AN INJUSTICE. A DISGRACE. a slap to my woman loving face. the build up was there. yae miko's comments about sara probably knowing the tenryou commission is involved in shady dealings, but is choosing not to think about it. sara being forced to confront reality and challenge her adopted father with the truth. being able to blaze a new path for herself in the process. when she started running to the raiden shogun i was ultra hyped up. sara, a devotee to the shogun for so long, was about to see her god interacting with the same people who led inazuma to this awful state. how would she react? would she stay ignorant, like yae miko so coyly said, choosing to look away in favor of following her god's footsteps? or would she be forced to recognize the raiden shogun isn't as divine as she once thought, and challenge her belief system?

we open the door to see the raiden shogun. the loading screen ensues. the camera pans to the ominous room, clouded in darkness, hinting at the ominous confrontation that is to come. the music takes a serious timbre. and then...

well fuck that potential character arc i guess. (we still don't know what sara made of any of this since she poofed out of existence from the story at this point)

kazuha also was handed a similar treatment. we've been with him for a while longer now. he is our introduction into inazuma, the one who first gets us emotionally involved by regaling us with the bittersweet tale of friendship that led him to becoming a wanted criminal. a kind soul who loves nature yet was dealt a cruel hand by fate, forced to watch his home nation turn into a hostile place, where his dear friend ultimately perished as a result. we get the scene with his friend's vision lighting back up. he parries a block from the raiden shogun, in the same area where his friend was killed by her. the parallels. the drama. except this time, he wasn't too late. he protected the traveler where he "failed" to protect his friend in the past. did he feel redemption at this? or was it a bittersweet reminder of what could've been?

WELL i guess we'll never know because we didn't get to talk to him again 😭 idk who got a bait and switch worse, him or sara. jesus christ mihoyo.

then we have signora. why is the raiden shogun talking to her? does she know about the gnosis being taken, and if she doesn't, what was her plan to get it from the archon? what does she think about scaramouche? and oh, okay, we're fighting here now. good fight + god tier music. pog pog. okay, now we've beaten her up, and raiden shogun wyd— wait no not signora her lore is still on CUPS not YET raiden shogun and— ah she's dead. okay. non nerds who didn't read artifact lore are going to know nothing about her. signora has such an interesting story, and yet... well. ok.

then we get raiden shogun redemption (?) arc. i was hype for this as well, though at that point, idk why i bothered being hype. i knew they were gonna do a cute power of friendship something or another, and i'm good with that, so long as it's executed well. what i was envisioning was like seven different buffs to correspond with the seven different visions, the dreams of those whose ambitions were stolen serving as the spear to penetrate the raiden shogun's heart of stone. maybe a hydro vision giving us extra healing for a time, with the voice acting over it being like,

"Even if the rest of the world forgets us, let our will carry you through this one final time. Succeed where we couldn't, Traveler."

so on and so forth.

but instead we got— you get the idea at this point. why bother spelling it out anymore.

at that point i was surprised the raiden shogun didn't go "oopsie woopsie!! we made a fucky wucky!!!" because that was the vibe i was getting. i love ei, don't get me wrong, but i wanted to see her challenged with what she had done to inazuma in the past year. maybe meeting NPC #2345259 who lost her sister to the vision decree or something, reminding ei of the love she held for her sister... being forced to come to terms with the extent of what she's done in pursuit of eternity.

anyway. please for the love of god mihoyo hire better writers for the main story. that is all i ask. thank you.

#genshin impact spoilers #answered #Anonymous

[ridetobeatthedevil]

i read your tags on that one discourse post and i agree so much..i really wish the movies wouldve showed the exceptionalness of the losers club and the Shining and stuff. is there anything else you'd change about the movies if you could?

ah i’m glad you agree! hmm so let’s see:

1. yeah like i said, i definitely Hate the fact that the adult losers were made to fight and yell at mike instead of just agreeing to come together and do what they had to do like in the book. and i Hate that they weren’t portrayed as the predestined ones that had been handpicked to defeat the stupid clown

2. i’d bring mike’s wonderful parents back, but that one has been talked to death lol. why delete one of the two (2) good parents? why do the drug addict thing?? 

3. adult eddie was...not the best. i’m not one of those people who’s super mad about it and tbh i don’t think most of it is ransone’s fault, but i didn’t like that eddie was portrayed as being timid. is eddie scared? yes. is eddie small? yes. is there a level of regression that he experiences when he comes back to derry that makes him act kind of childish? yes. but eddie kaspbrak was never, never timid. eddie wasn’t the reckless, impulsive kind of brave like bill, but he was the kind of brave that was stronger than his terror, the kind of brave that acts despite fear, the kind of brave that thinks “not this time...not if my friends need me!” that eddie, real eddie, would’ve been right there with bill to help save richie from spiderstan and we all know it

4. mike should’ve had 1) a memory when they were looking for their tokens and 2) an individual situation with pennywise in the lair, just like the other five. i understand that the movie was already hella long but make it just seven minutes longer! don’t shortchange the dude that the entire movie revolves around! the same dude that got shortchanged last time too! that being said i am so so so grateful that muschietti deviated from the book and didn’t have mike almost get murdered by bowers and spend the final fight in the hospital. i was P I S S E D about that when i read it for the first time. no amount of saving him through the power of Loser Love could remedy the fact that only five went down into the sewers, STEPHEN.

5. wish we coulda seen some of the canonical love for my boy bill! there’s an awful lot of people exasperated at him in the movies which is fair, but those kids (and later adults) loved the absolute shit out of him and i wish we could’ve seen that with more than just bev and mike

6. justice for the parallel between georgie kissing bill’s cheek before dying and then 27 years later bill kissing mike’s cheek before they all split and forgot each other forever!!!!! woulda been good. woulda been wonderful.

that’s all i can think of right now! BUT i am a sucker for the movies and i love them a lot so now i’m gonna tell you all the changes that i LOVED! which i realize is way more than you asked for, but i feel like rambling today so i’m gonna do it anyway:

1. like i said, mike in the final fight. thank you andres!

2. having a tame little bill/bev kiss instead of any gross ass cheating. and i liked the way they nodded at that “closing the circle between the past and present” thing from the book by having the adult kiss perfectly parallel the kid kiss, including bev curling her hands into fists and then putting one palm on bill’s cheek where she had smeared blood 27 years before. that was perfect 

3. stan actually being around all the time! anyone who’s read the book knows that stephen would legit forget about stan every 150 pages or so and just have him.........not be there. he’d just be gone for no reason with no mention of his name (cocaine is a hell of a drug, kids). so i loved that stan was just as Present as everyone else in the movies and that one scene he got in IT 2017 where he gets separated from the losers and is screaming in terror while they all tell him how much they love him and that they’d never leave him was just...beautiful. it might be my fav movie scene of all

4. not having the ritual of chüd in IT 2017 was a good call. i’ve said over and over that IT is not an adaptable book and one of the reasons is because it’s so interwoven as the narrative switches back and forth between 1958 and 1985 at the drop of a hat. it gets even more interwoven as they get to the final fight, going from the kid fight to the adult fight sometimes even at the rate of a paragraph at a time. both chüds happen at the same time which you couldn’t do in a movie, so i’m glad they just bypassed chüd in IT 2017 and left it to be the big Final Fight when they were adults. i know lots of people hate the way muschietti did the ritual but like.....how the fuck was he supposed to portray some metaphysical, tongue-biting, it’s-all-happening-in-our-heads-as-we-get-pulled-out-to-the-edges-of-the-universe, cocaine-laced melee that really could only exist on paper? give him a break...he did his best lmao

5. confirming that richie is gay!!!! like we been knew but it was cool that they made the subtext into actual text...not a lot of book-to-movie adaptations do that

6. most of what they did with richie tbh. he was a bit of a mess in the book (like don’t get me wrong, he was mostly a pretty good friend and i like him but the racism...whew. beep beep richie, indeed) and i like how they remade him in the movie. he went from being offensive to just annoying and it was perfect lol

7. this isn’t one of the changes i like better than the book, per se, but it’s a change i’ve seen people complain about that i’m actually 100% okay with: i’m totally fine with bill having lied to georgie about being sick. this is both because i’m an ANGSTY BITCH and bill is my favorite so adding to his trauma and guilt complex speaks to me (sorry bill), and because it really and truly cuts to the heart of the issue: that bill is a good fucking big brother. two things can exist at once, that bill lied to georgie and that he was a good brother. having mcavoy!bill tell jaeden!bill that just because he didn’t want to play on a rainy day one time, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or a bad brother (”and it never did!”) is just. wow. that’s exactly the kind of absolution i wanted for bill and i’m totally fine with it!  

8. HAVING THEM ALL REMEMBER EACH OTHER! GOD BLESS. i knew they’d make that change and yet i still wept over it like the fucking baby that i am

umm yeah sorry i think i’m done now. this is SOOOO much more than what you asked for, but apparently i have Thoughts today. thank u.

#answered #i love the book! i love the movies! i love the losers! #discourse #novel

[tessabltheorist]

The coincidence of the close-in-age Jennifer and Liz, linked by Raymond Reddington. Were the girls switched?

ARE WE MISSING A CHILD, OR DO WE HAVE ONE EXTRA WOMAN?

Another issue we have is why have Jennifer be the same age as Liz? Why that construct? Why two girls of early identical age in the story?

That would make Carla Reddington, Katarina Rostova and Fakerina all be pregnant at the same time, or at least Carla Reddington and Fakerina, but it is hard to imagine Katarina would have been able to fake an entire pregnancy without Constantin noting something. It could be done, because he travelled, but it would stretch the limits of credibility.

Both Elizabeth Scott Milhoan (Keen) AKA Masha Rostova, and Jennifer Reddingto are very close in age, as Dom tells Liz in his Rassvet tale:

He had a wife and a daughter. She's nearly the same age as Masha. Jennifer's her name. They'll be told that he was a criminal and a traitor.

Masha Rostova was legally the daughter of Katarina Rostova and Constantin Rostov, while Jennifer Reddington was legally the daughter of Raymond Reddington and Carla Reddington.

Liz is the biological child of a Katarina Rostova and Raymond Reddington. Carla Reddington calls Jennifer "her daughter", and Red (assuming here he is RR) does not seem to have great interest in finding her, or even in her betrayal, and while he saves her life, he tells Dembe

Red: Telling Elizabeth may be the only way to save Jennifer's life.

Dembe: You're doing the right thing.

Red: That may be. You just get to Renard first so I don't regret it.

Which is quite cold, and a sharp contrast to "The ripe apple falls. Doesn't know what else to do." It would seem that at least in his beliefs Jennifer is not his biological child. He tries to protect her in 2.03 but is rebuked by Naomi who speaks of an agreement that concerns the two girls:

Red: I need to know where Jennifer is. Naomi: I kept my end of the bargain didn't say anything about you or Elizabeth. ... Listen to me about Jennifer, I can protect her. I'm never going to tell you where my daughter is

And he seems happy to not contact her again when Jennifer asks him, after showing him her mother's tombstone.

WHEN WAS LIZ BORN?

We have had two birth dates for Liz:

1. What she believed to be her real one up to season 2 at least, is March 1984:

she believed she was turning 31 in 2015

Aram: A birthday card and 31 red-velvet cupcakes.

Liz: 31. No offense, but that's old

which likely made Dr. Orchard take her back to 1989, not 1990 for a fire when she was 4 years old. But we know from the time of the fire, Red told her she was four at the time. It seems Liz herself has always known about a fire when she was little, and that she is supposed to lie about it (as when she tells Red she was 14 at the time, but tell Beth she was her age)

Red to Liz: Lizzy, the memories of a four-year-old are unreliable.

Red to Liz speaking of manipulations: The memory of an accident, a tragedy, a fire in which a 4-year-old girl killed her father.

Liz to Dr. Creel: My father died in a fire. I was 4.

Liz to Tom: My father died when I was 4, in a fire.

ARAM: But he's dead because you shot and killed him. LIZ: When I was 4, yeah.

The fire was in 1990 or very early 1991 and we know it was around Christmas (we see a Christmas tree on fire), so, Liz would have been born in 1986 or in late 1985, so that she is still four at the fire, about to turn 5.

2. BUT the tombstone Kate ordered for her, has 1985 on it.

So we know Liz was born in 1985. Put those together and it seems likely Liz was born in late December 1985.

Jennifer Reddington

The identity Lillian May Roth for Jennifer was likely created near 2017, with a birth year of 1984.

that looks like Lillian May Roth. 35, worked here for two years. Before that, she lived in Virginia. Never married, no kids. Nothing.

This identity had no college trace, so this is not the identity she had when placed in WITSEC in 1990, and likely not even the one she got in 2007 because she was moved when she was in college:

Liz: I confirmed your daughter was placed in protective custody with her mother in 1990. The Marshal Service lost contact seven years ago. She is unaccounted for. [2014-7=2007]

Jennifer: My mom did that. And not by slinking out in the middle of the night, by sitting me down when I was in college and patiently explaining how terrified she was of you, that one day you'd want back in my life, that you'd force her to tell you where I was. To protect me from that, from you, she walked out of my life.

So, it may be likely that both girls both born in 1985, a few months apart, as Dom suggests?

So, if Katarina is the one that gets pregnant we have no complication. Fakerina may be able to fake a pregnancy. But if it is Fakerina who does, then Katarina would have had to, or fake it. She could then take the child and raise her as hers. It is also possible that both Fakerina and Katarina were pregnant, and ALSO Carla Reddington was pregnant art the same time. We do have to ask ourselves, how easy it is to fake a pregnancy for a married woman, or a seductress?

What else do we know about Jennifer?

Jennifer grew up hearing her father was a danger to her, that her mother was terrified that her father would find her mother and forced her to reveal Jennifer's whereabouts, which was the reason she was sent away in 2007. Garvey gave her another identity. We lose track of her until 2017, 10 years later, when Garvey moves her again. Note this is the same year as Garvey gets his hands on the bones.

We were shown a very specific aspect of Constantin Rostov, so consumed with hatred he was willing to take a child he thought was his grandchild, and jumped to his death with her in front of his supposed daughter, so that Reddington would not be in the life of this child. He contemplated (but discarded) using the child for a bone marrow transplant, and even if he had not, his crazy girlfriend could have done it, as she suggested openly.

Could Jennifer's father, the one that would be coming for her be Constantin Rostov? Even if her mother never told her so directly?

Remember that we have these facts:

3 women, Carla Reddington, Katarina Rostova and Fakerina.

2 girls, Masha Rostova and Jennifer Reddington, of approximately the same age.

2 men, Constantin Rostov and Raymond Reddington

We are missing one child, Katarina's child, if she was really pregnant, because if Fakerina was pregnant then Katarina had to be pregnant or fake a pregnancy, OR we have one too many women.

OR there was no Carla Reddington, because Carla was the alias of Fakerina under which she had targeted Reddington, and maybe even married him by then.

IF Fakerina had been using the name Carla when she targeted Raymond Reddington, and when the pregnancies happen, Katarina takes this child but in return she wants to keep her own child in safety. 

Not under a man who is eccentric, a bit violent, and with a genetic disorder who would have him one day look for a genetic relative. Instead she could take Fakerina's identity Carla, and bring up her biological child in the safety of the United States.

In this scenario, Katarina hides her own daughter under the identity Liz had been born with, Jennifer Reddington, while Fakerina's child grows up in the more dangerous situation of the Masha Rostova identity.

Or is Katarina who creates the Carla identity, marries Reddington, and has her child away from the dangers of being Katarina Rostova's child.

In this scenario, the only child who grows up with a biological parent is Jennifer. Liz grows up with neither biological parent. But Katarina does love her, and they all spend time together, at least in the beach house (because Liz remembers) and likely in the Takoma Park house, or maybe that cabin where Red might have found the home movies. There is a point in those home movies where I see two girls, dressed identically, one slightly older than the other. And in the so called tangent memory Liz and young Liz are dressed identically, chasing a woman heard saying "catch me".

They are a family of sorts, and it is likely that Red and Katarina fall in love.

He's an assignment. Was an assignment. I don't know what he is. He's married. Is it serious? Yes. It's frivolous exciting dangerous.

The unlikely family is Red and Katarina (using the Carla identity), Katarina's bio-child Jennifer (who is Red's legal daughter), and the hidden child is Liz, Red's bio-child and Katarina legal daughter under the Rostovas identities.

Katarina travels back and forth, and likely has a nanny for Jennifer as well. Her reputation as a formidable honey trap is established.

IF this scenario is what is going on, then Jennifer and Liz were switched, in reality Jennifer is the real Masha Rostova, and Liz is the real Jennifer Reddington. Liz is a replacement child in a way, but not from Red's perspective, but from Katarina, more in reality of an added mockingbird in the nest.

We can suppose Constantin is Jennifer father, but we do not know. Red does not seem to think he is, but we have no idea what else was Katarina involved in. Who is this Neville Townsend who puts a bounty on her head? Could Jennifer be his daughter? For now it seems safe to assume that Jennifer is Constantin child, and that might have been what Red's famous whisper to Constantin really was, that he did have a daughter, and that Katarina would likely know where she is.

So, the woman who goes into WISEC, the woman known as RR's wife is not Fakerina. Is Katarina, using the identity she had assume sometime after the girls were born, that of Carla Reddington.

The theory is a collaborative effort with u/jen5225. I always suspected there was an original Carla Reddington, (back to November 2015), I had ventured she could have been a spy, and I had a feeling Fakerina was Liz's bio mom, but Jen fit the remaining pieces with the girls switch, and the finer points of the identities and the whole thing made sense.

#The Blacklist #switched girls

[dlamp-dictator]

Allen Rambles About Three Houses

So last week I finished up my Black Eagles playthrough of Fire Emblem Three Houses. It was... okay. It wasn’t great. I had a few issues with the pacing how quick the plot move to the final battles and the lack of build-up for the big climaxes in the last few chapters, but I had a good time overall. Still, I was left unsatisfied. Between Fates, Echoes, and even Warriors, I think I enjoyed this game the most, but also had the most uncertainty with. 

Fates was a fun game with fun mechanics and fun customization options if you were willing to grind for it, but also had the worst stories and narratives. Echoes had the best story out of the three, but had some game mechanics I really wasn’t a fan of like dungeon stamina and enemy AI nonsense. And Warriors was just fun fanservice as a fan of Dynasty Warriors, but was overall boring and repetitive after completing the story mode. 

Three Houses honestly succeeds in every category so far. It has an engaging story, fun gameplay mechanics with a lot of customization options, and a lot of fun interactions and cute moments in it. But even so, I still can’t help but have issues with it. 

So... I want to talk about that for a bit. I want to cover what I like and what I dislike about this game so far. Just talk a little bit with the fanbase to see where my feelings and thoughts are compared to everyone else’s.

But first, as always, a synopsis for those unfamiliar with Three Housed. 

Fire Emblem Three Houses is a strategy game for the Nintendo Switch and the 16th game in the franchise. This game in particular focuses on three heirs to three different nations on the continent of Fodlan. The proud and commanding Edelgard of the Adrestian Empire who has great ambitions for her nation and its people despite how radical and blasphemous her manifesto seems. The kind well-mannered Dimitri of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus who’s smile and inviting nature hides a dark and maleficent past that still haunts and eats away at him to this day. And the easy-going and playful Claude of the Leicester Alliance who always seems to be planning something more sinister and malicious than his devil may care attitude shows. These 3 heirs all go to the same military academy at the Garreg Mach Monastery, both a religious and military center where the church resides. Together they enjoy school life, interact with students and classmates, compete in friendly competition, and learn the ways of war together. However, as political events, social changes, and possible wars erupting, the three friends are tested and eventually break part, now pointing their blades at each other for their own beliefs and goals. And as violence is all but certain as the years tick by, all the three can do is wait until they’re forced to kill each other for their beliefs, their goals, and their countries.

You play as none of these characters.

Instead, you play as Byleth, a new professor at the academy and former mercenary. You choose one of the Three Houses to teach and become wrapped up in their machinations as the plot thickens. How you train your students and ready them for the real world for the trials to come is all in your hands.

So... with that all said and the plot laid out, I think I should start with my issues first in the say way I did my quick thoughts. Just so I can at least end this on a good note after all my nitpicks and issues. 

With that said, I’m going to start small and first cover...

Things That Only Annoy Allen

So last time I tried to write this I had to make my first “small” grievance into it’s own part. I’ll try and keep this short since I really want to keep this to the actual small stuff:

I don’t like Byleth’s female design. I’ll go into detail later but for now just know the lacy stockings are distracting for the wrong reasons.

There’s no female brawling class and it bugs me greatly due to Petra’s and Ingrid’s high speed growths. They could be some extremely high DPS infantry in the right hands with those things, but there’s no really class to take advantage of that aside from maybe Swordmaster.

More for story reasons than anything, I wish there was an in-game limit to how many students you could have join your class. About 3 students per House if I had to put a number on it for reasons I’ll explain later. This isn’t an issue, but it’s something I’d like.

Magic only being accessible for certain classes bugs me. I understand the in-game reason for this as a physical unit that could use some emergency (if very weak) magic after losing weapons or fighting armored units would honestly break the game even further than it can be now, but still.

Something I might mention later, but after watching a Blue Lions playthrough by one of my favorite Let’s Players I feel that the game should had limited which House we could join first, as my Black Eagles playthrough would had been more fulfilling learning of some things I’ve learned in that Blue Lions run.

Class mastery should be tied to levels instead of as a separate experience bar. I understand why that’s done, mostly keep people from really min-maxing classes and abilities, but it’s still annoying in terms of optimization.

Edelgard, the only female lord, is the only bisexual lord. Now I’m not in the LGBTQA+ community, but as a gamer and self-proclaimed degenerate I know that denying the yaoi fangirls a male gay option for a main character is... suspicious, given the lovable bisexual rouge of Niles in Fates, and it clear that Claude could had easily been a bisexual option as well given his personality. Again, not in the LGBTQA+ community or trying to play the social justice card, but it is making me raise eyebrows toward the games marketing and aimed demographics.

Byleth in general just... bugs me as a character, but I’ll get to that later.

...

...

...

And now it’s later, so let’s get to talking about the main thing that bugs me with Three Houses, and that’s...

Byleth

I don’t like Byleth. I don’t like Byleth at all. I namely don’t like how they were executed, but the fact that we have another avatar character after how well Echoes worked as a story without a self-insert character, I’m just... baffled. I’ll try and break this down a little.

Byleth’s Design

I really don’t Byleth’s design, namely the female design. The male version looks fine, if a little too black for my tastes, but the female version is trying way too hard to look sexy. This only makes me mad because both Awakening and Fates had female avatars that didn’t look overly sexy or obviously pandering to the male gaze. They were just the female version of the male version’s outfit. Maybe there was some more boobs and hips because female, but it was mostly forgivable. 

And look, I’m not prude, far from it. Senran Kagura is one of my favorite video game series (cautiously hyped about Yumi being in Cross Tag BTW). Rumble Roses is a guilty pleasure I play every so often. One of my favorite anime is freaking Koihime, aka ‘Ikkitousen but better EVERYONE is a girl.’ I’m not saying you can’t have a sexy character or a bunch of sexy characters in a game or piece of media. However, that character should at least have a sexy personality to go with it. And with Byleth, who has the personality of cardboard has been with her mercenary father all her life fighting for her life, it doesn’t feel like she would actively be trying to look sexy since she doesn’t have the personality for it, or a personality at all. She looks less like a mercenary or teacher and more like Manuela forced her into some lacy stockings to make her branch out...

Huh, that would be a good paralogue/support conversation, but I’m not about to rewrite the game just for my satisfaction... yet.

 If you want my quick armchair redesign ideas in terms of design I’d just stick her in Male Byleth’s armor, maybe have a more pronounced/noticeable skirt instead of a long shirt, and dear God get rid of those lacy stockings. Byleth is suppose to be a mercenary that’s only known battle with her father, the Ashen Demon that rarely shows their emotions, not a sexy fashion model. The Enlightened One model is it’s own mess, but this section ate up enough of my time already so I’m moving on.

Byleth’s Personality

Again, Byleth having the personality of a damn rock really kills my attachment to the character. They don’t speak or emote beyond generic level up phrases and crit quotes. 

Which is a shame because Byleth has some really good crit quotes. 

However, from what Jeralt and other students say about Byleth I can gather that their someone that’s often quiet and standoffish. They don’t speak unless prompted to or needs to interject. They tend to observe more than act, even more so after they gain the ability to rewind time, but have a razor-sharp and deadly focus when in combat. And despite their distant nature, they do care about their students, friends, and family quite a lot, willing to break the emotionless Ashen Demon persona to crack a smile even now and then, even completely showing deadpan shock when something surprising or appalling is said, as rare as it happens. 

This is literally Yu Narukami’s personality in Persona 4 the Animation.

And that anime not only gave Yu Narukami more agency and personality than the self-insert the game made him out as, it also gave him a lot of a good back-and-forth with his friends and cast at large. 

Seriously, this could had been Byleth if they bothered to let them speak and actively interact more independently, and it would had been great.

But that aside, I’m moving on to something a little more important, which is...

Byleth’s Importance

[Spoilers for the Black Eagles Route Ahead] 

Again, I’ve only played the Black Eagle’s route, so maybe this changes in the other Houses, but Byleth seems way too important for his own good when we have 3 other “main” characters. He’s the crux of a lot of events and it doesn’t feel deserved or built up to well enough. In the Black Eagle’s path, you’re the one that convinces the class to work with Edelgard instead of Edelgard just explaining herself before the class of her goals. You’re the one leading the Black Eagle Strike Force instead of Edelgard or Hubert taking command and leading after years of not having the professor around and having to survive the war on their own. You’re the one that Rhea has a personal vengeance for instead of the woman that torn the church apart with both words of steel and blades of iron. And you just randomly find out that your the progenitor god from Edelgard and Hubert toward the very end. It feels really anti-climactic, but I also get the feeling that we were suppose to play Edelgard’s route last, something I’ll save for later. 

Among other things, I just feel that the focus on Byleth stagnants Edelgard’s character a lot. I want to see Edelgard struggle with the fact that her ideals, while noble in concept, are dragging the world in the flames of war and that she’s seen more as a tyrant than a savior, but instead we focus on Byleth’s mysterious birth and power after being gone for five years. This game, at least on the Black Eagle route, was so damn close to telling a really good war drama, but backpedals due to Byleth’s existence and perceived importance.

Sothis

[Spoilers for Mid-Game Ahead]

I wish she was more active in the story. Nothing too big, but if I had to deal with emotionless rock that is Byleth, I’d like to have seen Sothis sprinkling her commentary on everything they did. Just imagine Sothis sassing Byleth about how their always eat lunch with their students. Her commenting on the fish they catch. Her giving additional small hints about who owns certain lost items after failing so many times to give the right item to someone. Her sassing every student in their support with Byleth on C-rank. Her telling you to go to sleep when you run out of activity points. It’d add a lot to her character and it’d make the moment later in the game when you no longer have her voice around feel more impactful. Imagine catching a big fish after fusing with her and... hearing nothing about it how big a catch it was. Imagine trying to give Ingrid a lost sword for the fifth time, hoping to hear a hint from Sothis and... you hear nothing.

Again, just an armchair idea, but at least that way when Byleth is being a plank of wood we’ll have Sothis to add some literal flavor text to everything they do.

Ah, but that’s enough about Byleth, let’s move on to something a little more important. Like... 

The Gameplay

Thankfully, my issue with the gameplay are more nitpicks if anything, and I can actually have this in list form too.

As I mentioned in my quick thoughts, I feel like late-game/master classes are more of a pain to gain than most others. A lot of them need to have some heavy grinding in a stat you didn’t likely need to worry about before. Mortal Savant requires you to heavily grind either a physical class in magic or a magical class in swords, something that you likely didn’t do. Speaking of magic, it’s annoying that for all the customization in this game only certain classes can use magic. It makes raising a Mortal Savant or a more physical Holy/Dark Knight a nightmare. Again, I understand why this was done, but it’s annoying all the same.

Gender-restrictions, as I also said in my Quick Thoughts, are just dumb. Fates had removed this and it was great to have the freedom to give my male units the ability to become Falcon Knights, or my Female units to be... Okay, I only played Fates and Echoes, but the fact still remains that not being able to make a female Grappler/War Master or a male Falcon Knight really sucks and limits me quite a bit. Especially the inability to make Lysithea a Dark Mage. It’s practically wrong. 

A lot of these maps have the same issue that Echoes had. They’re big and have a lot of enemies, but not much creativity to them. Okay, they have some thought put into them, more than Echoes anyway, but a lot of them still just feel like big fields that need at least three flying units to be manageable. Again, I’ve only played the Black Eagle route so there might be some more interesting maps in the other routes, but from what I’ve played there was no real strategy to these maps outside of baiting enemies and maneuvering around traps. I think there were probably only two maps that weren’t giant mazes or an empty field with a lot of enemies in them.

To the point above, this made slow moving armored classes almost completely useless. What point is there in having a slow tank on maps that span to what feels like 60X60 tile maps? Plus the maze-like design? Yeah, I don’t know how these maps were meant to be interesting.

And that’s it for gameplay issues. Moving on to...

The Story

Again, something that can be put into list form due to the story having more nitpicks than actual issues:

[Spoilers for Black Eagles Route Ahead]

The split decision to join Edelgard or not is dumb, as is the requirement to have the option available. I think it’s foolish to think we wouldn’t agree with her after listening to her manifesto for so long, especially if you played a Blue Lions route and seeing how Sylvain and Ingrid were screwed over due to their Crests, or just... Lysithea’s  background in general. I can’t argue with her beliefs, only her execution.

The Flame Emperor reveal was... really anti-climatic. As if, again, they assumed we’d do Black Eagles last. Playing this route first just leads to a lot of anti-climatic reveals, especially on Edelgard’s route.

I just really wish Edelgard came clean with her classmates and commanders at some point in the story, to just tell them all that she was experimented on as a child and had two Crests as a result. That she wants to eliminate the nobility and Crests as a symbol of statu because of the harm it does to people both on top and on the bottom of the social food chain. It’d give a lot more weight to her cause.

Again, most of my issues with the story come from Byleth having too much screen time and importance compared to Edelgard as a whole. Especially when I did the route where I chose to go with her.

Alright, I think that’s it for all of my nitpicks, all the major ones anyway. I think I finally move to...

The Good Things

Again, this will be in list form since a lot of the nicer parts about this game don’t need as much breakdown as the bad parts.

But anyway...

As much as I don’t find the late game reward in terms of class advancement, the mid and early game are great for experimentation. I've had a bunch of fun on my second playthrough with some creative builds. I might suffer a little in the late game due to not optimizing everything, but that’s managable.

As I also stated in my quick thoughts, dismounting is hilariously broken. The amazing amount of utility you get from being about to dismount once you reach a destination and then mount at the start of the new turn for free while also being safe from arrows and horse-effective weapons is hysterical. I honestly think this was a bug that just didn’t patch and that dismounting meant you were stuck with the lower movement for the rest of the turn, but God am I going to use it until they eventually patch it out.

I’ve got... issues with the Black Eagle route, at least the route I went through, but I’ve been watching a playthrough of the Blue Lions route and it’s everything I could have wanted in a Fire Emblem game and more. If you want to play a good story I recommend the Blue Lions as your first route.

But to cut the Black Eagles route some credit, a lot of Edelgard and Hubert’s A-Supports were probably some of the best I’ve seen in the series... though I’ve only played Fates and Echoes, so...

Speaking of supports all of them were done very well. Like I said, Edelgard and Hubert had great supports, but Lysithea, Petra, Caspar, and Dorothea had great supports as well.

A lot of the supports and voice acting are great. It’s a key reason as to why I like the supports so much. The Lords are especially great to hear and were directed well.

And... yeah, that’s all the good things. Don’t let the short length fool you, folks. Like I said before, my issues are more nitpicks. The game as a whole is just fine.

That said...

In the Future

As much as I want to, even as a fun little project, I think it’s a little arrogant of me to be making any rewrites or “improvement” to the current story of Three Houses. I have various reasons for this that I might go into depth to in a later Rambling, but the short version is as someone that’s struggle to write their own story I feel like a hypocrite for trying to “correct” another’s. However, I think it’s far game to make requests and bring forth ideas for a future title, especially since this one is selling so well. And so, before concluding I’d like to present a few things I hope to be in the next Fire Emblem game:

No Avatar Character

Like I said, I feel Byleth’s entire presence can ruin scenes due to his lack of personality and engagement. And as easy as it would be to give him one that would also mean the play losing their use self-insert character. To this I say it’s probably best to just not have an avatar/self-insert character to begin with. You can easily make a character that has the stats of an above-average all-rounder as your main character/lord while still having a personality. I think Echoes did this well enough with Alm and Celica, especially Celica if we’re talking stats and utility as a healer/magic/swordsman hybrid.

No Gender-Locked Classes

This is more of a personal desire than something that needs to happen, but if the next Fire Emblem game is going to give us this much customization then I’d really like to have complete control and not be restricted by gender, especially when we’re talking stats. A War Master Hilda would be wild. As would a Hero Petra, a Gremory Linhardt, a Dark Mage Lythesia, and so on. To restrict us is not only screwing people who want to make quirky builds, but also those that want to make optimal builds. Either remove the gender lock, or have these characters with more straight-forward classes like in Fates.

One/Limited Routes

Again, I haven’t played Blue Lions or Golden Deer yet, but the Black Eagles route had a branching path that I honestly think shouldn’t have existed. Maybe this was for reasons I can only guess at, but the story of the Black Eagles Route I was on felt very rushed, or at least it assumed I had played either the other Houses or the “canon” Black Eagles route first. That left the actual story, while I personally found engaging, very rushed and underwhelming at the end. In the future I’m hoping for either one path, or for alternate paths to be locked until you complete the other “main” ones that give a fuller story, because a lot of what I’m seeing in the Blue Lions playthrough I’m watching would had been nice to learn in the Black Eagles route to see Edelgards view of things.

Smaller Maps

Like I said, the maps in Three Houses are a little too large, especially with slower armored/magic units in the early game with only 4 movement. In the next game I’m hoping for either smaller maps or at least maps that accommodate for that slow movement of early game and saving the bigger maps for when you’d naturally have some cavalry and infantry units with 5 movement. I think Fates’ Conquest and Revelations maps did this perfectly.

Brawling Weapons

No real critique here. I just really like the gauntlets and I hope they come back in the next game.

Conclusion

Overall, I think Three Houses is a good game, despite all my nitpicks. I hope the next game will be even better and hopefully have some of the things I want to see. I recommend this for anyone with a Switch wanting to play a decent strategy game.

Anyway, I got a draft to make on that story I’m writing, as well as draft up another Rambling. See you all later!

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #your dictator is speaking

[xiv-endora]

Send in two (or more) names and I’ll fill all this out about the ship!

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! (All the reblogging things pls and ty) | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - A very long time. I feel like these two would be good at talking about their issues, if they ever had any. Communication is key!

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - ...I’unno man cause, I’m thinking the first time they saw one another smile and found themselves staring too long into each others gaze; it was then they fell without ever really knowing.

How was their first kiss? - It’s either something really passionate and slow, the whole ‘stare into your eyes’ and then move in for the kill deal orrrr.. it just happens out of instinct. Endora goes to thank Cassian for something, without thinking, she gives him a kiss out of appreciation. It’s in that moment the two are locked in a ‘oh no’ moment.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Either one of them maybe? Cassian more than Endora? She wouldn’t have an issue with doing it though and chances are, she would, if placed in that situation. Wouldn’t be romantic from her end though. More of a, ‘hey I got you this ring..can you wear it like, 24.7 for me? kthnxbai.’

Who is the best man/men? - @the-wanted-man Roman no doubt.

Who is the bride’s maid(s)? - ..Roman again (that’s rough).

Who did the most planning? - Neither one of them. Most likely they shot a few ideas back and forth, both ended up agreeing they want something private between themselves. No theme, no invitations, nothing. Just each other.

Who stressed the most? - Endora maybe, because she’d be a bit paranoid that part of her past will come out from the shadows and ruin everything, literally.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN KIND OF WEDDING.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Their fathers, family from both sides that haven’t been in their lives for x amount of years. 

Sex:

Who is on top? - They switch it up, all depends on the mood and what they’re feeling.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Endora. Poor Cassian, bless his soul.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now The two know how to express their feelings for one another in small and large gestures, let alone sexually. So it’s pretty damn healthy.

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - Think this depends on where the two are cause, if they’re at home? ..It can be for as long as they’d like or who tires out first, essentially. Let’s just say a decent amount of time for the both to feel extremely satisfied. 

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Much as Endora would want Cassian to get off much as herself, she might be the one experiencing one or two orgasms more than him. He’s a giver and is pretty passionate about things.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. 

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - They wouldn’t really plan out how many they’d have in the long run, it just, ..happens! Two?

How many children will they adopt? - Pets can be considered as children, right? Cause if so then Endora would be thrilled to adopt a murder or two of some of her feathered friends. Little kids though, there’s no telling how many they would take in. Another one of those situations where it just happens and in the end, they couldn’t be happier.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Cassian. #bestdad

Who is the stricter parent? - Neither are strict really. They’re on the same wave length and agree that their kids should be allowed to make their own mistakes, let alone experience life themselves without rules holding them back from knowing what being a child is really like.

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Again, neither. They’re going to watch their kid be a dumbass and then ask if they’re okay or not.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Maybe Cassian? Endora would remember if she wasn’t so tired the night before, would even do it the night before. But there’ll be those mornings where she’ll nudge Cassian awake, urging him to make the lunch before their kid leaves for school. She’s too in love with sleep to do it herself.

Who is the more loved parent? - ...!? THAT IS TOUGH. Uh, both would have their own situations the kids would go to. Cassian for the boys to talk about.. guy stuff, girls with their mother about.. lady things. I’d like to think that their family would be open enough to talk about either parent, no matter what. 

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?- Endora. She has no issue in speaking up on any topic and not afraid to make a scene if ever the time called for it. Cassian would go to, but might not be as mouthy as she would- only when it came to defend their children. 

Who cried the most at graduation? - Neither one. Between all the hugs and praise, no tears would seen.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Let the kids sit and rethink about what they did in order to get where they are. Then? Either mom or dad would show up with the ‘learn your lesson?’ look and when they get home, the other parent might give some punishment. They break up the whole ‘being the bad guy’ thing, so neither parent is hated more than the other.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Depends on their schedules. Whoever is off at work most that day wouldn’t to worry about it. Most likely it’d be Endora though but she won’t do the dishes. NOPE.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - ...Endora.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Cassian!

How often do they bake desserts? - She loves to bake, so, if she has the time to do it then there will always be baked goods in the house. Could be every other night, twice a week. All depends really!

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Meat.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Cassian. Endora would most likely..not give him anything dinner related, more of a cliche “dessert”.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - She would, but it wouldn’t be frequent. More of a.. ‘hey let’s get out and enjoy ourselves’ kind of deal.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - ..Endora and most likely, a fire has broken out two or twelve times. But who is counting, yeah?

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - They both are organized people, so there’s no set person to do this.

Who is really against chores? - Neither one.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Pretty sure Cassian would help out but Endora doesn’t own any pets that needed to be cleaned up after. They’re mostly out in the wild, but again, this would be a team effort.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Bless Cassian’s soul if he ever tried it cause boy, Endora would give him a earful about that. But neither one of them would do this-- hopefully.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Endora only a little bit because there are some things she doesn’t want others to see, so, ..she’d be trying to pick up pretty quickly and be sure everything is safe.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Cassian, but Endora says it was hers and plucks it out from his fingers.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Endora? Cassian might take longer ones after a long day of work, cause he’s always covered by something or another, but she’s most usually taking her time especially if it’s a bath. If they’re in it together? ..No telling how long they’ll be.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Not Endora, he would.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Anything that she celebrates or feels strongly about, Endora will easily decorate for. Especially if they had kids, to show tradition or something. But if it’s just them? Anytime they wanted to decorate would be wonderful. For new memories shared together from their past, or start anew.

What are their goals for the relationship? - Be open, trustworthy and always themselves. No need to lie, nor wear a mask. They both want to feel this way for their entire relationship because quite frankly, it’s the best. Also, to never go to bed mad at one another. Endora won’t let him sleep if they argued and haven’t made up or at least spoke about what’s wrong.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - He doesn’t sleep long or well, so that’ll be Endora.

Who plays the most pranks? - Cassian.

@cassian-kane

#answers #stories #Pretty Pretty Princess #Friends is the 'f' word

[paigenotblank]

The Age of the Wolf (4/?)

Pairing: Eight x Rose

Rating: Mature

Written for @doctorroseprompts and Eight x Rose August. Prompt: Dimension hopping!Rose meets Eight / What if Rose was with Eight or met Eight during the Time War?

Read it on Tumblr: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9

AO3  TS  

The Doctor paced back and forth in his brother’s suite of rooms within the Citadel.

“I’d like to study how she regenerates and heals.”

The Doctor stopped in his tracks. “Absolutely not.”

Braxiatel leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers. “Don’t you trust me, brother?”

“Not with this.” He shook his head. “Not with her.”

“I should be offended by that.”

The Doctor snorted and resumed his pacing across the shiny floor. “But you’re not.”

“No. I’m not. I understand her importance to both you and the future of Gallifrey.”

The Doctor stopped suddenly. “Do you really believe Gallifrey has a future? Some days, it’s so hard to...” He sighed.

“I have to believe we do, or I’m afraid I’d become like the rest of them...stopping at nothing to survive. But she’s from your future, so at least I can cling to that little thread of hope.”

“Well, you’re one of the only ones that feel that way. After that ridiculous prophecy was found and all eyes turned to her, I don’t trust anyone to be able to keep her secrets. There are too many eyes watching. And too many who would see her downfall.”

“You must admit, as far as prophecies go...I can see why they think it’s about her.”

The Doctor looked at his brother in shock. “You can’t tell me you believe that twaddle.”

Brax grinned. “‘A Valiant Child will die in battle, and the blood spilled will herald the era of the wolf.’ Very poetic.”

“Oh, please. She’s hardly a child-”

“If she were a Time Lord, she’d be but a babe.”

“She’s not though, and that’s my wife you talking about. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, she didn’t die in battle. She is very much alive.” The Doctor scoffed. “And the era of the wolf? Ridiculous. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“The Visionary seems to think otherwise. There are no wolves on Gallifrey. Why choose that word? Hmm? Think about it. The words ‘Bad Wolf’ follow your Rose everywhere. ”

The Doctor paled. “Bad Wolf? How do you...?”

Braxiatel smirked. “I am a man of many talents, Doctor, and one of them is collecting information. You’d do well to remember that.” The Doctor narrowed his eyes at his brother. “Now, now, don’t give me that look. I’m not your enemy. Never your enemy. And that extends to your enigmatic wife. But, dear brother, whether the Visionary chose wolf specifically to draw attention to Rose or because it truly references her, that’s beside the point. There are apparently a trio of prophecies regarding the Time War. That was only the first. When the other two are found, you’d better hope they don’t point to your bondmate or it could mean even more trouble with Rassilon and the Council.”

The Doctor pulled on his hair. “Speaking of Rassilon, I’ve a feeling he was behind the ambush at Skull Moon.”

Brax sat forward in his seat, as serious as the Doctor had ever seen him. “Be careful who you go telling that to, Thete. I know it’s been a while since you’ve spent any significant amount of time here, but the walls within the Capital have straining ears and loose lips.”

“Should I do nothing then? Is that your advice?”

“Of course not. I’ll look into it and see what my contacts have to say. Just don’t go off half cocked as you tend to.”

“Why I’ll have you know-”

“There are fractions within the Senate who regret resurrecting Rassilon and we can perhaps find allies there, but with each victory he brings in against the Daleks, the popular tide turns in his direction, so we must use caution. I know you lean more toward action and hate waiting, but politics is-”

The door to Brax’s room swished open and Romana and Rose entered.

“Darling, I’ve missed you.” The Doctor took Rose’s hands in his and kissed her knuckles.

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across her face. “You nutter, I haven’t even been gone 20 minutes.”

“Seventeen minutes and 32 seconds, and I missed you every moment.”

The Doctor leaned in to kiss his wife when Romana cleared her throat.

“Doctor, you’ve been given another assignment.”

He pressed a kiss to the tip of Rose’s nose and grinned. “Ah, and where does the Council want to send us this time?”

Romana took a breath. “I’m afraid this time it is just you, Doctor. Rose is to stay here and be questioned regarding the prophecy.”

“Absolutely not!”

“Prophecy?” Rose asked in confusion.

“Rassilon ordered it himself. She cannot turn down a direct request from the Lord President if she wishes-”

“What prophecy?”

“It’s nothing, Rose. I’ll tell you about it later.”

Romana sputtered. “Noth- It’s...it’s not nothing!”

Hurt flashed across Rose’s features. “You knew about it and didn’t tell me?”

“It’s a ridiculous piece of fiction. Nothing but superstitious nonsense.”

“So what does it have to do with me?”

The Doctor flushed. “Some people might believe that the prophecy is about you.”

“Then you should have told me about it!” Rose turned away from the Doctor mumbling, “If ever I doubted you were the same man...”

Romana interrupted what could only be the beginning of an ill timed argument, “Life here could get very difficult for you if you dare to push back against the President too much.”

“This is completely unacceptable. She shouldn’t be questioned without me present.”

“Doctor, I urge you to consider this from all angles.”

“No, you don’t understand. I don’t trust Rassilon to not try something while Rose is alone with him.”

“She won’t be alone, the Council-”

“He’s behind the ambush at Skull Moon.”

Romana gasped. “You’ve proof of that?”

The Doctor grimaced. “No, right now I have only my suspicions, but-”

“Who else have you told this to?”

“Just Brax.”

“I told him I was going to look into it for them.”

“Tread lightly, Doctor. It’s a very serious charge.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

Rose took the Doctor’s hand and laced their fingers together. “You see why we don’t want to be split up? This would be the perfect time to go after one or the other of us. ‘Cos we’re stronger together.”

“If you don’t appear before the Council for questioning, Rose, you’ll be creating more issues for you both. I think it best if you each go along with the plan to separate you and knowing that something might be afoot you can prepare yourselves. Plus, we drop hints about the first ambush around those already suspect of Rassilon and if something is tried, it will be easier for us to sway them further.”

Rose bit her lip. “I don’t know.”

Romana turned to her former mentor. “And you?”

“Where do they want me sent this time?”

“Voltrix has been given information on the Supreme Dalek’s location. She’s ordered a fleet of Battle TARDISes to attack. You’ve been selected to lead the offensive.”

“Lead? Me?”

Romana smirked. “Oh, did I forget to mention? You’ve been promoted to Colonel, Doctor.”

“What?!”

There was a soft knock on Brax’s door, before a Time Lady, dressed in the uniform of Gallifrey’s army, entered.

Romana held out her hands in welcome to the newcomer. “Petrella. So good of you to come right away.”

Petrella nodded and nervously spun her helmet in her hands. “Yes, well, I was told it was urgent.”

“This is the Doctor. You will be serving under his command.”

Petrella’s mouth fell open. “The...the Lord Doctor?”

Rose muttered, “God help me if there are more of him runnin’ around right now.”

The Doctor laughed and winked as his wife. “With me you never know.” He extended his hand to the soldier. “A pleasure.”

The Doctor turned back to Rose and ran his hands up and down her upper arms. “I should go, love.”

“I don’t like this. Not even a little.”

“I’ll be fine, Rose. See what you can dig up during your interview with the High Council. And be careful.”

“I can handle myself. It’s you I worry about.”

“My Lady...” Rose glanced inquiringly at Petrella. “I’ll keep an eye on him for you.”

Rose smiled. “He’s very jeopardy friendly. You’ll have your work cut out for you.”

“You wound me, wife!” The Doctor playfully covered his left heart and staggered.

“Thank you, Petrella, I do appreciate it, but-”

“Darling, I swear to you that this will be the only time they split us up.” He sighed. “But Romana’s right, we need to appear to work with them or they’ll become more secretive and dangerous.”

Rose nodded. The Doctor swept her into his arms and snogged the breath out of her. When they pulled back, Brax was smirking, Romana rolled her eyes, and Petrella looked properly scandalized.

The Doctor clapped his hands together. “The sooner we leave, the sooner I can get back to my lovely wife. Ready, Petrella?”

She was still in a daze as she followed the Doctor out of the room.

--

The Doctor stood at the controls of his TARDIS and materialized into a formation of Battle TARDISes.

He and Petrella studied the monitors. “Look, Doctor, they’re exactly where we were told they’d be. The intel was good.”

The Doctor gripped the controls and studied they information that scrolled across the TARDIS screen. “Fifty Dalek ships. Two-thousand Dalek’s on board each ship. 100,000 Daleks.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s get them!”

“Something doesn’t feel right.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, temporal mines flickered from another dimension into the path of the Time Lords. The weapons began shooting lasers at the TARDISes. The Doctor flicked a switch and the rotor began to groan. “Petrella, hold on!”

The Doctor’s TARDIS began flying through space and a shot meant for it struck a Dalek saucer instead. Petrella held tight to the rail that ran around the console and tried to keep a read on what was going on outside. “They’ve decimated a quarter of the Time Lord fleet!” Her eyebrows flew up. “Now half!”

The TARDIS shook with the effort of avoiding the Dalek weapons. “It’s no good. We’ve got to run.”

Petrella’s voice wobbled. “Three quarters. They’ve destroyed three quarters of the Battle TARDISes.”

“All those lives, it’s just collateral damage to the Daleks.”

“How did they know we’d be there?”

“It was a trap. They were waiting for something...for me. They must have fed us that intel. ”

“But-”

“Well, no more. Set the course for Gallifrey. It’s time I had a word with Rassilon.”

--

The President was seated across from Rose, at the head of the table lined with the members of his Inner Council. He leaned forward. “Ms. Tyler, what is your take on the prophecy that so many believe is about you?”

Rose gritted her teeth. “I told you, I don’t even know what the prophecy says.”

He smirked. “But you have a copy of it, right there in front of you.”

Rose looked down in the hopes that the circles and lines would reform themselves into words should read, and sighed. “I can’t read Circular Gallifreyan.”

Rassilon scoffed. “The Doctor’s bondmate can’t read?”

“I can read, just not Circular Gallifreyan. The TARDIS never translates it.”

“Of course not, they’re prohibited from doing so. TARDISes are meant to be flown by Time Lords only. They can’t be giving lesser species a guide to the Time Vortex. Can you imagine the damage that could be done?”

Rose looked away. At least he doesn’t know about that.

“The Visionary will read the prophecy to Rose Tyler.”

An old woman with straggly, gray hair looked at Rose. Her gaze seemingly penetrated straight to Rose’s soul causing her to shudder. “A Valiant Child will die in battle, and the blood spilled will herald the era of the wolf.”

Rose’s face lost its color as the words of the Beast, spoken so long ago, came back to haunt her. Her heart sped up and she didn’t know how she was going to convince them that she had nothing to do with the prophecy now that she was convinced of the very opposite.

“What a very interesting reaction, Ms. Tyler. Mydriasis, an increase in heart rate, and human hormones just flooding through your system. I wonder why? Tell me, what does the prophecy mean?”

“I...I don’t know.”

“Don’t lie to me! Bad Wolf is another phrase that follows you around the universe and up and down your timeline. It is no coincidence a wolf is mentioned in the prophecy. Tell me what you know!”

“I...There was a werewolf...well, a Lupine Wavelength Haemovariform at any rate. The Doctor an’ I met one of ‘em once. Could that be it?”

“Don’t play the fool with me, Ms. Tyler. Are you working with the Daleks?”

Rose gasped. “What?!”

“The Daleks. Are you a traitor? Is the Doctor a traitor?”

Rose stood up shaking and placed her palms on the table as she leaned forward. “Say what you will about me, but don’t...don’t ever say that the Doctor...that he would even think of siding with the Daleks. His whole life they have done nothing but try to ruin it. And he gives up everything to prevent them from destroying the universe!”

Rassilon sat back in his seat with a smile. The sight of it, so wrong on his face, stopped her short. She panted feeling regretful and weary from her outburst.

“He gives up everything does he? What do you mean by-”

A door to the Council Chambers flew open and the Doctor stormed in.

The relief Rose felt had her collapsing into her chair.

The Doctor glanced to his side and his expression softened for a moment when he saw Rose was okay.

His mask was back in place by the time he addressed the rest of the Time Lords. “90% of the battle TARDISes were destroyed.”

Rose gasped, but the Doctor didn’t dare look at her.

“How is that possible, Doctor?” An older member of the Doctor’s own house asked.

The Doctor turned to his cousin. “They knew we were coming and were waiting for us.”

A murmur of surprise made its way around the table. “An ambush?”

The Doctor nodded. “A trap. The Daleks had temporal mines waiting in another dimension and when enough TARDISes arrived, they called them forth. They decimated the Time Lord fleet and it was over for us before we even realized what was happening.”

Rassilon leaned forward in his seat. “That is a disappointing show for your first assignment as Colonel.”

“Disappointing? We were sent to slaughter. Where did that information come from?”

“What are you suggesting Doctor.”

“Where did Councillor Voltrix get her information?”

Rassilon scoffed. “Are you saying you believe Voltrix to be in league with the Daleks? She’s been-”

“I’m not accusing her of anything. I just think it strange that both places I’ve been sent, the Dalek’s attacked within moments of my arrival there. There might be a traitor in our midst.”

All ambient chatter ceased, as all eyes turned to Rassilon. He sat back with a smug grin. “A traitor you say? I was just questioning your bondmate on the topic before you barged in.”

“Rose?”

“Voltrix has been a key to our victories thus far, but wouldn’t you say it strange that these traps as you say started happening at the same time that Miss Tyler arrived?”

“You can’t seriously be accusing my wife of conspiring against me, against us! She’s my bondmate...I would know.” The Doctor tapped his temple.

The Time Lords seated around the table nervously glanced at each other.

“Are you involved in treason against the Time Lords as well, Doctor?”

“This is ridiculous. Rose didn’t choose to send us to Skull Moon or me to sector 6-Apple-Sigma-Delta-4. Ultimately it was you.”

The room went deadly quiet, the only sound being the scrape of Rassilon’s chair as he stood. “Are you accusing me of plotting against Gallifrey?”

The Doctor stared him down. “Makes more sense then my wife.” A collective gasp went up. “Check all communications to and from the Capitol after we were given our assignments. You’ll find nothing from me or my wife warning anyone of anything. We couldn’t possibly be involved. But you’d best find out who is. Because when I find the traitor, I’ll deal with them my way.” The Doctor grabbed Rose’s hand and pulled her to his side. “Let’s go, Rose.”

As the Doctor led Rose from the room, Rassilon slammed his fists on the table. “Damn him!” Rassilon sank into his chair and called for the General.

The man slipped from the shadows in the corner of the room and bowed his head. “Sir.”

“Send men to see if they can salvage any of the temporal mines from the Doctor’s last battle. Our engineers may be able to repurpose them to attack the Daleks.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And find out if Rose Tyler or the Doctor sent any communications either off world or within the Capitol immediately following notification of their assignments.”

The General’s brows rose, but remained silent. He nodded and left the room.

--

As soon as the door to their suite closed behind them, Rose turned to face the Doctor. “Was that smart to-”

The Doctor pulled her into his arms and kissed her as if they had been parted for months rather than hours. Rose pulled back and slowly opened her eyes. “Doctor?”

“As soon as I realized it was a trap, I was so afraid that Rassilon would try to harm you as well while I was gone.”

Rose cupped his jaw and gave him a half smile. “Made of tough stuff, me.”

“Rose...I know you’ve...cheated death before and I hope that you continue to do so, but Rassilon is...well he is the closest thing to a god that the Time Lords have. A mad, power-hungry god, with access to an arsenal of the universe’s most dangerous weapons. I’m not confident that even you’d be safe from them.”

“But-”

“No. We don’t know if you’re truly immortal or if there’s something out there than can kill you. And I don’t particularly want to test it to find out. I need you, Rose.”

She flung her arms around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder. “Need you too. My Doctor.”

They stood there holding each other for several moments, just breathing in the scent of the other. Rose finally pulled back enough to look him in the eye. “D’you think it was a good idea to provoke Rassilon the way you did?”

“Brax might regenerate me for it, but Rassilon needed to see that I’m not going to be so easy to get rid of and that I’m not going to take his scheming lying down.”

“Wouldn’t be you if you did.” Rose chewed at her bottom lip. “Why you though? What threat are you to him or Gallifrey that he’s workin’ so hard to get rid of you?”

“We have a bit of a history, and it hasn’t always been a pretty one. He is brilliant and has accomplished so much for the Time Lords, but a few times I got in his way and was able to circumvent his plans for me. He doesn’t like not getting his way and might see me as a threat. Especially if he intends to do something horrendous for the sake of winning the war. Cass was right, you know, it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between the Time Lords and the Daleks.” The Doctor hugged her close once again. “I’m so sorry you’ve been dragged into it with this whole prophecy thing.”

“Erm, about the prophecy…”

The Doctor tilted his head and waited. Rose backed up and sank onto their lounger.

“...I think it’s about me.”

“What?”

“I’m actually certain of it.”

“How?”

“Er, so the first part of it was told to me once before.”

“But-”

“Nearly word for word, Doctor. It was a prophecy told to me about my death.”

“By whom?”

Rose looked worriedly at the Doctor and took a deep breath. “The Devil.”

The Doctor laughed, but at Rose’s hurt expression he sat down beside her. “I’m sorry, darling, but the Devil? Which one. There’s more religions than there are planets in the sky. Archiphets, Orkology, Chris-”

Rose put her hands on his arms. “Look, you didn’t believe it then, I don’t expect you to believe it now. But he said he was the Beast. Had us on a planet orbitin’ a black hole without gettin’ pulled it.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“Was an impossible planet, with an impossible evil, and he called me ‘the valiant child.’ Said I would die in battle soon.”

The Doctor shook his head. “No. No, no, no.”

“You told me he was lying. An’ then after we were separated, I just assumed…” She shrugged. “What’s it mean?”

“It’s not gonna happen, Rose.”

“But the same prophecy from two different sources?” Rose hugged herself.

The Doctor pulled her into his embrace and rested his lips on her temple. “You’re not going to die, I'm not going to let you.”

“A few minutes ago you were afraid Rassilon was gonna kill me, now that you know my death’s been foretold by a Gallifreyan prophecy and the Devil himself all of a sudden you've taken the opposite stance?”

“That's me...you’ve married a man who’s quite contrary.”

“Don’t I know it.” Rose teased, but then her grin fell and she caught her lip between her teeth.

“What is it?”

“The second half of the prophecy…”

“The bit about the wolf?”

Rose nodded. “Future you and I once came across a werewolf-”

“Werewolf? There’s no such-”

Rose huffed and crossed her arms. “A Lupine Wavelength Haemovariform.”

“Right, yes. Sorry. Carry on.”

“An’ just before he turned from his human form into his werewolf form he said that I had something of the wolf about me. And he knew that I burned like the sun instead of needing the moon like him.”

“Burn like the sun? Like on Karn?”

Rose nodded.

“Bad Wolf?”

She nodded again and looked at the floor.

“But what is it? I know you’ve said it’s you, but how?”

“I...I don’t fully understand it myself. I can’t remember everything that happened an’ future you explained it a little, but I’m not sure he even knows the full extent.”

“Tell me? Please.”

“I...I’m not sure if I should. What if I screw up the timelines?”

The Doctor sighed. “I’m going to have to forget, Rose. It’ll be okay. I’ll make certain of it.”

Rose leaned her head on the Doctor’s shoulder. “I absorbed the Time Vortex an-”

The Doctor stiffened beneath Rose. “You did what?”

She glared at him. “You gonna let me tell it or not?”

“Sorry, but...how are you even alive at all? No one is meant to do that? I can’t even-”

“Doctor.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“I don’t remember doing it, just know that the TARDIS is involved somehow.” She glanced at him and he looked like he wanted to say something, but was keeping quiet. Her lips twitched. “Right, so anyway, I somehow absorbed all of time and sort of became a goddess or something. Did it to save you, an’ I did. But I killed you also.” At his questioning look, she told him, “You regenerated trying to remove the vortex from me.”

“You didn’t kill me.”

“You said it felt like dyin’ and I did that to you.”

“If it came to you dying for good or me regenerating, I would choose to regenerate every single time. No question.”

“But-”

“Every. Single. Time. I don’t like it that you throw yourself in danger for me, but I can appreciate the sentiment behind it. If I could save you I would, because I love you and I can’t bare the thought of a universe without you. I’m guessing you feel the same?”

“Fishing for compliments?” He tried to give her a stern look, but couldn’t maintain it with her fluttering eyelashes. “Oh come ’ere you. Course I love you the same.”

“So, I’ll try to not get too twitchy when you throw yourself into danger for me, if you try not to blame yourself for my regeneration.”

“‘S not gonna be easy-”

“You think it’ll be easy for me?”

“No, don’t suppose it will. Alright, deal.”

Rose stuck her hand out for the Doctor to shake. He glanced at it in amusement, before grabbing it and pulling her up.

He growled before kissing her. “Now that that’s settled, let me show you how much I love you, my bad, bad Wolf.” Still holding her hand he dragged her to their bedroom and proceeded to show her all night long.

#eight x rose #doctorroseprompts #the age of the wolf #braxiatel #romana #petrella #rassilon #my fic

[fyjjong]

🌟💖 to jonghyun: my sun, my moon, my stars, someone who i'll love forever  💖🌟

i don't know how to start this properly so i'll do so by saying i'm coping the best i can be given the circumstances but it still feels like there's this void in my chest. 

when i first started listening to k-pop i figured it'd just be a fun pasttime for me and, for the most part, it has been. i just didn't think i'd get as attached as i did to an idol as i did jonghyun because i'd never been the type to get super attached to celebrities to begin with but i was really drawn to him from the get go. i remember the first time i saw him in the "lucifer” mv. i was like: "wow, who is that dude" so i started looking into him and grew to like him quickly. this was before he started to show more of himself to shawols / the world. after that point he made his twitter and began to interact more with fans by showing how clever, intelligent, fun loving and socially conscious he was. and his sense of humor was so strange - which was something that i could relate to. that's probably when i knew he was going to be my ult for a long time. i remember when he supported kang eun ha back in late 2013 and i was so relieved because i was just starting to really come to terms with the fact that i was queer and it was comforting to know that my ult would accept me for that. in the short time that followed we were able to see him grow and develop as a person. he started to bare his soul to the world through blue night, always more than he was obligated to, and he was always graceful and thoughtful in doing so. i remember at shinee's fifth anniversary party when he debuted “beautiful tonight” to shawols. i was so proud of him because i knew that it'd always been his dream to make his own music and that was the FIRST time that he was able to share something with us that was completely his. 

when it comes to shinee .. i haven't been here since the beginning. i became a fan during the summer of 2011 but i've always felt like i was present during the timeline that was the most pertinent in his growing as a human being. blue night was always so special to me because it opened us up to a side of him that he had been careful to share before then. people had these fixed stereotypes about him and, while some have lingered on, he was able to blow most out of the water through the show. without blue night we wouldn't have been able to hear a large percentage of his beautiful solo work. looking back i can see that this was a burden to him and it makes me ache knowing something he loved became such a weight for him but i'll always cherish the work that he gave to us. he was always trying so hard. it doesn't take what happened to know that. he never shied away from telling us when he felt lost or lonely or upset and he never made fans feel as if they were wrong to feel that way either. honestly he never made fans feel like they were in the wrong for anything. he'd support them through even their most ridiculous (and some of the funnier stories he got on blue night were proof of that) and the love he had for us was undeniable. you could see it in his eyes whenever he was given the chance to be face-to-face with us: at events with shinee, for blue night, for himself. it always looked like he was ... ridiculously content just breathing the same air as his fans. this extended to international fans as well. he didn't speak up on it often but it was obvious he knew about the disconnect / distance that we've always felt in being so far away from him and shinee. we got “selene 6.23" to show for that one. it was also thanks to jonghyun and the rest of shinee that i was able to make most of the close friends that i have today. that, and they were also so charming that i was able to have my older friends become a fan of them as well. they also gave me a reason to be able to travel twice in the last year and a half: once to chicago and another time to los angeles. i'll always be grateful that i was able to see them twice - that i was able to see him twice. i'm starting to feel too introspective so i'm going to switch over and talk about a few of my favorite things about him: 1) he wasn't perfect. he made mistakes but he always apologized and tried to make amends for them in the end. he was constantly trying to better himself and become education / sensitive to a variety of issues. i feel he excelled there, really. 2) his love for roo. i think it goes without saying that a good deal of the funnier content involving him was related back to roo. and remember the time she photobombed minho taking a picture of jjong with his music show trophies? yeah. 3) how much of his life he dedicated to making his mom and sodam feel loved and appreciated. i really don't know what else to add here that isn't obvious already. 4) he wasn't afraid to show the world the side of himself that was what most would regard as being "childish" or in geeking out about things that made him happy like naruto or how much he had fallen in love with (and been touched by) kimi no na wa. 5) when he wanted to cry he cried and he made sure that others were aware that it was alright to cry too, to be weak sometimes because to be "weak" is to really be strong. 6) he was such a great and caring friend. he just ... was. there's no denying that. he was always nonjudgmental and willing to be there for his friends at the drop of a hat when they needed him (like when he drove two hours to pick up dongwoo when he needed a ride home from a random location). 7) jinki. he was always a pillar of strength for him and this worked both ways. he took the spotlight for him when he wasn’t able to do it himself and he was always the first to understand his strange jokes and puns and play off of them. 8) kibum. he was kibum's first friend when they became trainees. we'll never know what kind of connection they had in full but it was obvious it was something special that went beyond words. 9) minho. minho is probably his biggest fan. he could read him like an open book and he was always the first to be there when he needed him most and it's obvious that hasn't changed even now. 10) taemin. he was HIS biggest fan. we all know that. he wasn't just his friend and brother but his baby and you could see how proud he was to see him develop as both an artist and person. i'm glad he got to see up to now even though it hurts me he won't see all he is capable of achieving. 11) the relationship he had with his blue night family - listeners included. they helped him so much. they gave him stories to use that helped broaden his work as a singer-songwriter and he developed meaningful friendships with both regular guests and pds. 12) taeyeon, suho, yoona, krystal, heechul, donghae, jungmo. all the friends that he made within sm when they began training who he knew for just as long as the other members of shinee. and all of those who have left sm since that were close to and meant a lot to him at a point as well, like luhan, jessica and tao. plus those that he became and stayed close to after debut. yeri, lee jonghyun, hongki, crush, zion.t, jung joon young, younha, tablo, wheesung, minkyung, gray, zico. i know they're all hurting too. 13) he wrote a beautiful book where he used all main characters as a template to show different sides of himself to readers. he was writing another book too and i'm glad he was at least able to share his idea for it with us. 14) he was able to release four amazing solo albums in such a short amount of time and i honestly feel like he helped to break some of the bias sm had toward allowing their artists to release their own work. 15) he wasn't afraid to gush over other men that he found attractive. looking back on his fanboying over gong yoo is always going to make me laugh. 16) i really loved how much he loved the moon and stars and space and mythology and all that whimsical stuff because he could be pretty whimsical himself at times. 17) how much of a dork he was for poetry. remember when he sent that wreath to wheesung with that bertolt brecht poem? iconic. 18) he really admired and looked up to prince. you could see his influence in both the sound and styling of his solo work and that makes the stereotypical minnesotan in me happy. 19) more of a random anecdote but how excited he was when he was dying his hair pink for "she is” promotions. the story about how he'd kept on showing the other members a photo of the shade he was trying for excitedly will always be one of my faves. 20) he was the kazoo king. 21) random little physical traits of his like his blingspot and all his pretty moles and birthmarks, his bottom teeth, how his legs were bowed. 22) how he pretty much laughed with his entire body and how his nose scrunched up when doing so. how expressive he was. how you could pretty much see every emotion he was trying to convey in his eyes and they'd sometimes sparkle like there was an entire universe in them (i used to say that a lot). i'll move on from the facts from now but this is ... a lot. emotionally. (death tw, suicide tw) honestly i feel like i can't say much else that hasn't already been said and that i won't be able to completely do justice to who he was as an artist, bandmate, brother, son, friend, colleagues, so on and so forth. but you can feel it at least. i guess words?? aren't really needed always?? you can feel it in how many people have went to pay their respects to him in the last day. he was SO loved and he left such a mark on the industry, not just of his immense and unique talent but because of how kind, generous, soft and understanding he was. i've said this a few times already to close friends of mine but as much as it kills me to know that he's gone and that he was in as much pain as he was i'm also relieved that he isn't feeling that pain anymore. what else can you really say in situations like these. he hurt more than anyone deserves to and maybe it's cheesy to say but a part of me feels like he was too good for this world. i've never really been religious but i hope that if there is an afterlife that he feels content, warm, happy and comfortable for once. maybe now he's a star, hanging around the moon, or maybe he's a star pup. that'd be wild. he'd probably love that. or maybe he's jamming out with his favorite musicians who've passed. who knows. anyway. i think that's all i'm gonna say for now. in the future i may revisit this post - maybe i’ll add on to it or maybe i’ll use it as a template to make a new one. who knows but the only other thing i can say before closing this off is that he'll always have a special place in my heart and i'll never forget him.

[lazyneonrabbitt]

The Serpent and the Wolf. Pt.3 [Jughead Jones]

[Pt.1] [Pt.2] [Pt.4]

You woke up from a strange noise, jumping up causing Sweet Pea to awake as well. You couldn't see a single thing in the dark and the cracking and growling noises seemed to be coming from right in front of you and you reached for where you knew a lamp switch was located. 

As soon as you switched on the light, the growling got worse. You started to recognize the sounds as you let out a soft "oh no.."."What the hell?!" Before Sweet Pea had a change to get up, the thing in front of him had jumped him already. You managed to jump aside in time and watched the scene with terror, already having your phone at your ear waiting for FP to answer. As soon as he answered you summarized the situation and hung up again. You knew how strong Jughead was when he got really mad. FP had agreed to let you watch their training from a safe distance. You saw Sweet Pea struggling, but he managed to throw Jughead to the side, where he landed on the floor with a loud thud. The sounds of bones snapping got worse and the growls got louder and more beast like as the boy on the ground twitched and changed underneath his clothes. You knew what was going on but had never actually seen it happen. Sweet Pea on the other hand was terrified to no end. He was slowly backing up, away from whatever was happening but couldn't get his eyes off the boy on the ground who had managed to half shrug, half tear off his jacket and was now looking more like a beast than a boy.

He saw every single change that happened to Jughead, from his eyes and fangs that distorted his otherwise human appearance, to the fully changed creature that stood in front of the two of you. Right as you wanted to start running towards the front door, you were thrown against the large couch. Not even a second later you heard a crash followed with snarls, a crunching noise and screams. Jughead had jumped Sweet Pea, shoved him against a wall, knocking over everything in his path and had his fangs sunk deep into Sweet Pea's neck and chest. You stood up, frozen in shock as Jughead opened his mouth, letting go of Sweet Pea who dropped to the ground, not moving.You heard a noise outside and a moment later your trailer door was thrown open and FP ran in, looking as terrified as you were that first night. He grabbed Jughead by his neck and threw him aside and kept him down while instructing you what to do with Sweet Pea. You did as he said and struggled pulled him on the couch, laying him on his side to expose the entire wound that ran from one of his shoulder blades, over his neck and shoulder and ended over half of his chest. By now your silence had turned into sobs of fear for your best friend's life and about how you were going to explain all of this when your boyfriend turned back to himself. 

A hand on your shoulder snapped you back to reality as FP spoke carefully. "Let me look at him for a bit. You watch Jughead, he won't hurt you." You wanted to believe him so badly. You carefully moved away to let FP closer to look at the wounds but couldn't get yourself to move further away and towards your boyfriend. Still crying over everything happening right now, you took slow, small steps, getting closer to a weirdly calm Jughead. He held his head low, keeping his gaze fixed on you which only scared you more than you already were. When you stopped moving towards him, he carefully stepped closer to you like he knew you were scared. You had no idea what was going on in his head currently so immediately jumped back as he took his first step.

"Kid, listen to me." "Hey!"

It took you a moment to realize that was meant towards you and turned around. FP pulled up his sleeve revealing long gashes on his lower arm that were slowly healing. "I tried to take that sweater you gave him. Lashed out and immediately stopped when he realized what he did." A genuine smile appeared on his face when he looked past you at how his son was behaving. He realized what he did hurt you a lot. He hurt your best friend. You followed his stare and looked behind you again and saw how close Jug had gotten to you. He lifted his head and touched your hand with his nose showing you he truly didn't want to hurt you. He opened his mouth for a short moment and closed it again, like he tried to speak but it wasn't working.  You sat down in front of him and reached out again to touch him, carefully petting him like you would pet a large dog. But this time not an actual dog but a shifted werewolf who was your boyfriend.

Boyfriend. You thought. You're petting your boyfriend like you're petting a dog. 

With that thought you immediately pulled back your hand and struggled stringing a whole sentence together. "I ehh.." you looked around trying to avoid eye contact. "I forgive you." You finally said. With a satisfied growly noise he pulled you into a clumsy hug, burying you in his fur. You felt him take deep breaths as he held you close and slowly started changing under your touch. You wanted nothing more than to jump out of his arms and look away, but you knew he wouldn't let you go so you sat through the change until it was over. Now daring to look up again, you found Jughead staring right at you, clearly still struggling to find the right words to say. He was still covered in blood. Sweet Pea's blood. "Oh no. Sweets!"

With that sudden realization you quickly got up and turned around to look at your best friend, his entire torso, shoulder and neck were still covered in blood and the huge bite mark was bandaged up in strips of what once was Sweet's shirt.  You let out a sigh of relief as you saw his chest slowly rise and fall, showing you he was still alive. FP was still on the floor next to the couch watching your friend and Jug had appeared next to you, a hand on your shoulder. "I'm sorry." He said carefully. "I saw the two of you and-" You cut him off by shoving his hand off your shoulder and sitting down on the armrest of the couch. "We were both wrong." Jughead's expression changed back to anger. "Nothing happened. We just watched TV until we fell asleep. He kept me from worrying about you too much." You both sighed as you looked back up and met with Jughead's eyes again.  "I should have known to not be so close with my best friend anymore now that I'm dating you."

After that night, things went back to normal pretty fast for Jughead, he was back to spending most of his time with Betty, working on the Blue&Gold, writing his novel and solving all the weird shit that went around in Riverdale. This lead to you spending most of your time alone and soon enough you were back at the White Wyrm and getting a job as bartender with Toni. For Sweet Pea it was a completely different story. He got thrown into a life he didn't want to live, especially with his already problematic anger issues. He barely had any control and, according to Toni, hadn't been at school much since everything seemed to trigger him and he almost lost it when someone was trying to pick a fight. And with that almost revealing the existence of werewolves in Riverdale to an entire school. FP spent all the time he could on helping him control his anger. He admitted that it was a far bigger task than it had been with Jughead, since he was never really a violent person and he was having a hard time teaching this kid anything at all since there was just way too much that seemed to trigger him. You tried to spent most of your free time at the Wyrm with Sweet Pea when you knew Jug wouldn't be home anyways. By now Toni and Fangs both knew everything about the Jones family's secret and swore to protect that secret, mostly by babysitting Sweets and drag him away whenever he got pissed. Which was very often. You all were surprised, even Sweet Pea himself was, that he hadn't completely lost it yet with all the Ghoulie business going on lately. 

You had a day off from work, but still spent is at the Wyrm with Toni, keeping her company during her shift and texting FP about how Sweet Pea was doing and complaining about everything and nothing, with the current topic being the boys in your life. "You really need a girlfriend." Of course that's what Toni should suggest, she'd probably even volunteer to be that girlfriend. "No but seriously. If he's spending so little time with you and so much with her," she kept talking while pouring drinks. "then tell him to get his shit together. Why don't you just break up with him?" 

Sweet Pea entered the bar and spotted the two of you almost immediately. Walking closer he picked up on Toni's talking. Well, more like yelling. "Why don't you just break up with him?" He hoped he heard that wrong and tried to push the thought away as FP had taught him to do and continued your way and sat down on the chair beside you. Both you and Toni were surprised to see him so suddenly, normally his entrance was loud and obvious. You also hoped he didn't hear what you were just talking about and were now awkwardly staring at each other to come up with new topic to talk about. "So how was your day with FP?" Toni asked, setting down a drink in front of Sweet Pea. "Better than expected." He started, taking his drink. "Else I wouldn't be here, would I?" He laughed as he set his glass, now half empty, back down on the bar.  The three of you had a great time together and stayed till late before all heading back to your current sleeping addresses. On your way back, you texted back an forth with Toni, continuing your chat where you left off before Sweets joined.

'You know I'm gonna tell him if he doesn't start spending more time with you, right?' -Toni I know. Oh and if you want you can stay with me tonight. Guess I'm alone again..

''On my way.' -Toni The trailer started to bother you more and more with every time you came home alone. You knew Jughead made a deal with his dad to stay at his place as he came home late so he wouldn't wake you, but you had no idea how often he really stayed there overnight. It was a ridiculous agreement anyways, why couldn't he just come home at normal times? Your thoughts kept getting crazier by the minute until they were interrupted by your trailer's door opening. You had given Toni a spare key for when she didn't have a place to sleep, and she kept you company on your lonely nights. "So your lover boy isn't coming home again?" Toni always had unique entrances. She never walked in with a normal Hello. "He texted me he got a lead or something so he would be working all night." You sighed as you showed her the long text in which he tried to explain himself. You were slowly getting enough of it but were too scared to admit it to her, or to yourself for that matter. You didn't want to hurt Jughead, you knew what could happen if you did. You already saw what happened when he only thought something had happened.

Everything was just too much for you now, you threw yourself on the couch and just let out everything you had been holding back since this whole thing started, crying your eyes out. Toni did everything to make sure you were comfortable and managed to calm you down after a while. Without a word, you took your phone and dialed Jughead's number, not thinking he'd pick up since it was almost morning already by now. But he did answer and sounded still very awake. 

"Hey, why are you calling? Is something wrong?" Hearing his voice caused you to break down again almost immediately. You tried to to talk through sobs and explain everything as simple as possible.   When you were down, the other end of the line was eerily silent for a bit. Toni had her arms around you already again, also eagerly waiting for an answer to come. "So, what are you trying to say? I want to hear you say the words." Toni looked at you, concern clear in her eyes. "Jug, I.." You sobbed. "I think we're done." You said quickly before hanging up and throwing your phone on the other couch after turning it off. Toni hugged you closer and let you cry for as long as you needed, until you fell asleep. She carefully got up and made herself comfortable on the other couch as usual before dozing off as well.

#riverdale #jughead jones #riverdale imagine #jughead jones imagine #jughead jones x reader #FP jones #sweet pea #toni topaz #sometimes I write

[youngboy-oldmind]

ALBUM REVIEW: Revival

“It’s true, I’m a Rubik’s. A beautiful mess/At times juvenile yes. I goof and I jest/A flawed human I guess”

Detroit legend and highest-selling rapper of the decade, Eminem, releases his eighth (ninth if you count Infinite) album Revival: a project that is over hated, yet plagued with cringey lyrics, inconsistency, and an excessive runtime (77 minutes), propelling his decline and mainstream hate that’s haunted him since the late 2000s.

Overall thoughts

I say this with pain because I genuinely think this project could’ve been comparable to Jay-Z’s 4:44. Both rappers have been successful since the 90s and they both know their best is behind them. However, Jay-Z hit the mark where Eminem vastly missed. BUT, this isn’t a review of 4:44. Unfortunately, this is a review of Eminem’s controversial 2017 project: Revival.

Revival misses the mark for several reasons. First, the songs he chose for pre-release singles turned off fans from the jump. He pre-released “Walk on Water”, which captured the interest of fans who appreciate Eminem’s calmer, more introspective side. However, his second single release “Untouchable” made me hesitant to expect this album to revive Eminem’s career. This song isn’t strong enough to headline the album. At best, it’s a little annoying. And at worse, its skippable in 60 seconds. Furthermore, it was a political song, so any listeners that disagreed with his message immediately disassociated from the project.

Second, his lyricism is weak throughout the album, downright offensive at some points. Not offensive like its edgy or has shock value. Offensive like I can’t believe he made me listen to such shtty similes and metaphors. Contenders for the worst lines include but are not limited to:

“Instinctive nature to bring the anguish to the English language/ With this ink you haters get rode on (wrote on), like a piece of paper”

“I’m looking at your tight rear like a sight seer/ Your booty is heavy duty, like diarrhea”

“I just bodied the beat, so that hole must’ve been dug/Cause it just died, like food coloring does”

Along with weak metaphors, he also uses his signature play-on-words style to create painstaking lines such as

“The plan’s to bring her to my house/You’re drinking Jack and Beam, I’m thinking soon this tramp’ll lean (trampoline) so we can bounce”

“From the first time I saw you, I actually/Said to myself, ‘I gotta meet her’ (meter) like a taxi”

“I ask does she want a computer lodged in her vagina/Said my dick is an apple, she said put it inside her (in cider)”

Some of the vocal performances were painful as well. On “Chloraseptic” and “Untouchable”, he straight up lets out ridiculous drawn out yells. I have difficulty accepting that the producer of those tracks and long-time friend of Eminem, Denaun, heard him make those noises and didn’t tell him on how bad it sounds.

Third, and most importantly, Eminem’s tone is extremely inconsistent throughout the project. I wouldn’t be as critical towards the goofy songs if Eminem set and maintained one tone. He began the album with “Walk on Water”, discussing the stress of constant scrutiny and how unrealistic expectations make him doomed to fall short. This is a great topic to talk about as someone who was 18 years into his fame. But then, he begins topic ping-pong for almost an hour, switching back and forth between maturity and childishness, (with some high spots that I’ll discuss later). You cannot complain that people stress you out with high expectations, and then make songs that’s just punchlines revolving around breasts, butts, and vulgar sex.

Logic has great examples of priming your expectations and tones. He makes it clear when a project is a concept piece, like Incredible True Story or Everybody, or when he’s just having fun, like Bobby Tarantino I & II. Because Eminem keeps switching between serious songs and dumb songs, it makes everything seem disingenuous. For example, on the song “Like Home”, he basically rips Donald Trump a new one, going so far as to compare him to Hitler. But on the song “Heat” he makes a joke that he agrees with Donald Trump that women’s privates are supposed to be grabbed, which is why “they call it a snatch”. You can’t criticize the president in one song and then agree with them in the next, even if you’re joking. You can have fun songs and serious songs, but they should keep the album’s tone consistent.

Okay, I’m done criticizing, cause there are some great things about this album. “Walk on Water” was a great intro to the album. “River” is great collab between Ed Sheeran and Eminem. While the content of “Remind Me” is unremarkable, Rick Rubin delivers on the beat, creating an entertaining chorus that samples Joan Jett and the Blackhearts’ “I Love Rock n Roll”. I will give credit to “Offended”, which is ambitious to say in the least. I skipped it on first listen but it actually grew on me. And of course, the final two tracks “Castle” and “Arose” are the album’s peak.

If Eminem would’ve shaved the track list to 9 songs instead of 19, weeding out the childish/forgettable songs and making it more tonally consistent, this album would be much better. My ideal Revival album would be:

1. Walk on Water

2. Believe

3. River

4. Like Home

5. Tragic Endings

6. Nowhere Fast

7. Offended

8. Castle

9. Arose

This would bring the runtime down to 40 minutes instead of 77 minutes. At 45 years old, 8 albums into his career and 18 years in the game, Eminem doesn’t have 77 minutes’ worth of material to talk about. And it shows.

I mentioned earlier that this project is over hated. Although there are things I strongly dislike about this project, it isn’t nearly as bad as media and music reviewers describe it. Two of his previous projects, Encore and Relapse, were much worse than Revival. I think it’s an exaggeration to call Revival the worst of his career, but it is definitely indication of a decline.

Album Breakdown

“Walk on Water” ignites the album with an emotional piano ballad, Beyonce’s beautiful vocals on the chorus, and Eminem’s surprisingly self-exposing verses. He talks about the pain of having a section of hip hop disregard him, while having another section constantly hold him to a standard he feels like he’ll never reach again. It’s more melodramatic than what I expect from an Eminem song, especially the dramatic pause at the beginning of the first verse where he dramatically asks “why.........?”. Seeing Eminem express vulnerability instead of constantly acting like a god gave me hope.

But then...I heard the last 5 seconds, and I knew I was in trouble.

“Cause I’m just a man/

But as long as I got a mic I’m godlike/

So me and you are not alike/

B***h, I wrote ‘Stan’”

This transitions into “Believe”, a track that carries on the topic from the previous song but establishes that he is not self-conscious and knows he’s superior in the rap game, asking the audience if THEY believe in him. It’s disappointing to see him abandon vulnerability so quickly. It took five minutes and four seconds for Eminem to backtrack and basically say “Nah, I can reach every height. You guys just need to believe in me”. Like he’s blaming critics and fans for his decline, not his skills or style. I did not care for this shift. And speaking of shifts, we hear Eminem’s first attempt at a trap beat, which sounds off with his rapping style. He’s constantly taking odd pauses to squeeze in rhyme schemes. Not the worst song, but already starting the contradictions to the initial tone of the album.

Eminem’s second attempt at a trap beat, “Chloraseptic”, was painful. I can’t sugar coat it. Half of the time I had no clue what he was saying, and the half that I could understand had no substance. He mocks Migos’ style, using adlibs, shouts, and voice bites that make him sound old and desperate to fit in modern trap music. Over his career, Eminem’s best tracks have either a rock sample or a piano melody. But this is clear evidence that very few Eminem tracks should be trap songs.

As I mentioned earlier, “Untouchable” was released early as a single. This song was painful because I knew what he was going for. So it sucks to be distracted by the subpar delivery. The rock guitars and harmonized vocals in the chorus hit my ears too hard, making me wince and decrease the volume at the chorus. Eminem’s verses have him shouting/teasing “white boy, white boy” “black boy, black boy” which is too immature for someone of his status and stature. And there’s a line in the first verse where he says “then we wonder why we see this side of youuuuuuuuuuuu”, drawing out the last word in this painful, awful voice that definitely should’ve been scrapped. In the second half of the song, the instrumental switches from a hard rock sample to a piano melody that illustrates a sense of anxiety. Also, in the last verse, he switches perspectives and talks as a black person under systematic oppression. While I appreciate the effort, it doesn’t really translate into anything emotionally because his solutions to these problems are shallow.

He talks about police brutality and systemic racial issues. The problem is it’s all surface level. Someone with his age and experience should be able to add more to the discussion. But he comes through with messages like “We need to hire black cops and stop putting cops in neighborhoods they are unfamiliar with. This country was built on slaves. It’s unfair Kaepernick got hate for kneeling during the national anthem. Racial profiling is the cause of violence”. These are things I was able to articulate as a middle schooler. But he delivers these thoughts like he’s speaking from the woke-est perspective the world’s ever seen. When in reality, there are tweets that hold more substance. And because of this, Eminem’s yelling doesn’t feel like anger. It just feels loud and misguided.

Fortunately, we then transition to one of the stronger songs on the album, “River”. He discusses a toxic relationship filled with cheating, lies, and an abortion. Eminem has always delivered good bad-relationship songs, so I’m not surprised another one is one of the best on the album. Ed Sheeran’s singing on the chorus is dope, especially at the end when the instruments drop at the end and Sheeran’s tender vocals cap off the track. Cannot complain; its easily the best track so far.

“Remind Me” is the first goofy track on the album. Eminem is taking a break from serious topics like meeting other’s expectations, success and failure, police brutality, and a devastating relationship, to talk about a girl with “implants so big” she could hang him up on her rack, with her “big ol’ tits”. This song is only tolerable because Rick Rubin’s sample was fun to hear. Otherwise, this song is unbearable.

“Like Home” is his next political song. He takes a patriotic stance while criticizing President Trump. And that’s about it. Pretty much a diss track where he spent 8 lines setting up a Hitler punchline and then calling Americans to unite against Trump. Alicia Keys sings the chorus but its nothing heart stopping. Definitely one of the more forgettable songs simply because it wasn’t painful to listen to.

The thing about bad songs or forgettable songs is that if you string too many together, they become more difficult to tolerate. So I’m coming off the heels of the annoying “Remind Me” and forgettable “Like Home”, when I get to “Bad Husband”. Here, he’s talking about how bad he was to Kim, his ex-wife. This song seems good on paper, but two things make it bad: X Ambassadors on the chorus and X Ambassadors on the chorus. X Ambassadors and Eminem do not fit well. Their loud style doesn’t fit the quiet, soft vocals that Eminem implements. It’s also hard to take Eminem’s apology seriously. On the chorus, X Ambassadors call him a 1) lord 2) good father 3) good dad 4) great father. No genuine apology contains repeated self-appraisal. Imagine if someone hits you with their car and says “Wow, I’m such a bad driver. I’m a great manager. Great parent to my kids. I donate to the local homeless shelter. And I baby sit for free. But I’m such a bad driver.” Is that really an apology?

And to that note, I’d take being hit by a car over hearing X Ambassadors on the chorus.

“Tragic Endings” picks up the album. Skylar Grey is amazing on the chorus. The entire song sounds like a sister of “Love the Way You Lie”. This talks about a toxic relationship with someone who doesn’t encourage him. I’m not surprised he once again hits a high point with a bad relationship song. Eminem’s verses are alright, and the instrumentation carries the same tragic-ness that surrounds the content of his verses. Skylar Grey and Eminem have collaborated on multiple songs over the years and they tend to compliment each other well.

Side note: There’s a curse in this album that’s wreaking havoc. After a certain number of bad songs, my appreciation for a song comes from the fact that it doesn’t make me want to take off my headphones. I’m approaching every song with “it can’t get worse than its already gotten”.

Then it got worse... “Framed”. With an instrumental possessing a western, cowboy-saloon vibe and a chorus that creates a “cowboy please shoot me in the head and end it all, this album is torture” vibe, “Framed” is a storytelling track where Eminem is framed for a murder. Apparently, some of his gruesome lyrics are so incriminating that he could be considered a suspect for a murder. Now, I love story telling tracks. One of my favorite records of all time is The Great Adventures of Slick Rick. But Eminem is too old and passed the point of his career where associating with assault, kidnapping, or murder is entertaining and/or interesting. It was shocking in 1999 when he talks about dumping his wife in a pier so he can be with his child without her interference. I would never condone that, but I was highly attentive. But 18 years later, saying you have Ivanka Trump in the back of your car is just creepy. Definitely the worst song on the album.

“Nowhere Fast” features Kehlani on the chorus and exciting violin strings that accompany Eminem’s commentary on the rap game. Kehlani is definitely talented, but I don’t think her style matches Eminem. Overall the song is middle of the road. Not horrible, not amazing.

Now that he’s dissed Trump, talked about a bad relationships, his “killer” lyrics, and the rap industry, it’s time to go back to a fun song and make more jokes about butt & boob implants. “Heat” is very similar to “Remind Me”. They both use a rock and roll sample and discuss the same shallow content. The sample isn’t as entertaining as “Remind Me”, so that makes it harder to tolerate the excessive double entendres and play on words just to illustrate offensive commentary on a woman. I try not to overuse quotes, but I had to save the worst line.

“Girl, you’re just gonna have to put them other chumps on the back burner/You got buns, I got Asperger’s (Ass burgers)”

I mentioned earlier that this next track “Offended” grew on me over time. The issue with tonally switching back and forth is it’s difficult to tell how seriously Eminem takes himself. How can I know Eminem is actually self-conscious about others’ expectations of him, when he immediately calls himself godlike and makes multiple songs about boob jobs? Here, Eminem makes it clear he is trolling and wants to offend and irritate a hater. Once I understood that, I was able to just enjoy it as a dumb track. The instrument is fun and bouncy, and the chorus is extremely childish, but purposely done so that it’s hard to criticize it seriously.

I can sum up the next two tracks, “Need Me” and “In Your Head” as forgettable. “Need Me” is another track about a toxic relationship ft. P!nk’s amazing vocals. Although the ratio of P!nk to Eminem on the song makes me think it should’ve been a P!nk song featuring Eminem. And on “In Your Head” Eminem simply describes his displeasure with past decisions, the most notable part of the song being The Cranberries sample on the chorus, which ended up being wasted on a take it or leave it track.

“Castle” comes outta left field as a MAJOR upgrade from the rest of the album. It almost feels like it belongs on a different album completely. The chorus is slow building with these subtle organ keys and a bassline where the instrumental doesn’t quite kick in but it hints at a explosion about to occur. Liz Rodrigues on the chorus helps Eminem deliver this song; a series of letters that Eminem writes to his daughter, apologizing for things in her life that are impacted by him and his decisions. They’re written in 1995, 1996, and 2007.

The first verse talks about his excitement about having a new baby daughter. The second verse talks about his failed album Infinite and how he’s not sure how he’s going to provide for them, but he’s stumbled onto an idea (The Slim Shady LP, which thrusted him into mainstream success). The third verse is in 2007, where he states his guilt for her life being thrusted in public light, his distaste for fame, his pills addiction. During that time, Eminem was suffering from drug addiction and nearly died from an overdose. The song ends with him taking pills and audibly collapsing onto the floor.

“Arose” picks up where “Castle” leaves off. Eminem talks over a piano ballad and an echo-ey drum that makes you feel like you’re in an empty dark room. Eminem is currently in the ER hooked up to life support machines, talking about the things he’ll miss if he dies in the hospital bed. Amongst other goodbyes, he tells his daughters to take care of each other and he’ll always be in their memory. Truly heart wrenching. But as he says goodbye to everybody, he suddenly fights to stay alive, his heart starts beating, and he recovers. As he recovers, he mentions rewinding the tape of time. Rewinding to before he made the mistake of overdosing.

Then, in an expert display of technical skill and creativity, the track rewinds to the instrumental for “Castle”, and Eminem delivers a final verse that has a much more “onward and forward”, positive outlook. It brings tears to my eyes every time I listen to it. He describes shredding the old letters and not letting the past hold him back. And that the first half of the song is what he would’ve wrote to his daughters if he had made it 2 hours later to the hospital, which is about how long the doctor said he would’ve lived if he hadn’t checked in. In this masterpiece of a closer, Eminem connects back to the concept of reviving. Without question, the best song on the album and the best outro of any Eminem album

Final Thoughts

The Intro “Walk on Water” and outros “Castle”/”Arose” feel like they belong on a completely separate album; they’re totally different from the tracks that encompassed the middle. So while those three are great, the album ultimately suffers from inconsistent themes and messages. If Eminem would’ve stuck with vulnerability and maturity, this album would’ve been great. Overall, the project isn’t horrible. But besides the few high points, I’m disappointed.

Top 3 Songs:

1) Arose

2) Castle

3) River

Overall Grade: C-

#music review #album review #hip hop review #hip hop #eminem

[coe-lilium]

Would you be willing to rank the major Apocrypha characters (Masters and Servants) from best to worst? I'm curious as to how you would rank them

Gladly :D

Be warned that this will be 90% tastes and maybe 10% narrative/objective analysis. And sorry for taking so long to answer. Also, it got long ^^’

A concise, condensed ver before the cut

- 10+/10, tie between Mordred, Jeanne e Shirou

-  9.5/10: Semirams and Shishigou Kairi

- 8-7.5/10: Vlad, Achilles, Shakespeare, Caules 

- 7: Chiron, Fran, Atalanta, Karna, Fiore, Darnic

- 6, I start not caring: Gordes

- “wasted” and “still bitter after 5 years”, no numbers: Avicebron and Siegfried

- 5-4, it’s complicated: Astolfo

- 4: Sieg (and it might go down to 0, I’m serious)

- 3 to 0: Jack, Reika, Celenike 

Btw, I kept them vague, but spoilers/hints up to vol4 and 5

Rank “will fight the world for them, forever in Higashide’s debt, I wish one day for Nasu to write them himself because I trust the mushroom man to make me love them even more than I already do, 10+/10″: 

Mordred: SHE. Higashide’s best accomplishment in winning me over no matter other flaws. Tie with Gilgamesh as my favorite Nasuverse character ever.

There isn’t a single thing I don’t love about her (bar that atrocious “dress” under the armor, delete that). The armored and casual character design. The backstory as abused and exploited child who tries to break free of her mother influence and plots but ends up following them anyway because of her other parent rejection and, ultimately, how Morgan life lasting damage could not be undone without support. Her snarky, bratty, selfish and ferocious personality she show to the outside world and the hidden insecurities, the good heart and the ability to reflect on her flaws. Her loyalty and her desperate need for parental love and recognition as her own person. Her fighting style that is a delight to read or watch, truly a beast. Her chemistry and relationship with Shishigou, all of it. How it start in that cemetery, how develops over the course of the story, how she manage to open, connect and trust him and ultimately find a real father in him.

If I have to find a “wish this was expanded on” is her written in but not recognised by canon issues with gender/presentation which wasn’t a real issue for me until I read metas here and I’m now quite confused especially on how to write her (him?) in the future, when I’ll hopefully get at it.

The only reason I don’t completely wish for her and her Master to have been made MCs is the love I have for the following two guys and this couple steal too much of a spotlight from other characters.

Still, while theirs is a story more focused on personal growth and healing then deciding the fate of a great number of people or the world, in the end Mordred and Kairi saved each other so it could’ve still meshed neatly with the overall salvation theme. Sadly it was not meant to be but I’m more than content for what we got.

Jeanne: She. Who gets only second place and no caps lock because, a surprisingly good portrayal none withstanding, she could’ve been even better had Higashide done a bit more research (in his favour, I don’t know what kind of books on her are translated in Japanese and if the processes transcripts are among them).

For example I’ll forever maintain that, while the whole “romance” thing has a historical base (funny that, uh?), it required a way better realisation and as it’s written in Apocrypha does her character a disservice. Laeticia too, who was a potentially interesting “device” and could’ve been our outsider perspective, got derailed into more nonsense romance and aww poor Sieg and oh man, who-gives-a-damn: not me.

Also, not enough of a sarcastic spitfire or military prowess (“just waved the flag”, now that’s a funny way to write “half of Charles’ court was impressed by how good she was with every damn weapon”) for my tastes but I guess historical Jeanne is just that irreplaceable or TM chose to emphasise her piety and “sainthood” over other traits in order to avoid an Arturia 2.0.

Not a single mention to her mentors either, in 5 volumes (which is bad, extremely bad, Higashide why) and too much of Gilles de Rais nonsense but unfortunately Type Moon is committed to roll with it. Dunois, La Hire and d’Alencon never, poor me. 

That said, Fate!Jeanne is really a good interpretation, firmly rooted in history and I love, love her. 

Her faith and lack of hate are spot-on and are treated with respect instead of mocked. 

She’s allowed to have a no-nonsense and even ruthless soldier like attitude, a protective streak (which always remind me of that promise she made to a young noblewoman to keep her husband safe and bring him back to her, or how she took care of her young squire. Both survived her) and loth of empathy at the same time. 

She’s down to earth but can also be immature and have flaws and be tempted. 

This post is already long as it is, so here’s some more reasons I love Apo Jeanne: 

Novel Jeanne musing 1       

Jeanne meta from the manga 1

Jeanne meta from the manga 2

My eternal greatest disappointment will forever be the lack of a satisfying confrontation with Shirou. You write someone able to shake Jeanne d’Arc convictions, make her doubt her conduct and moral standing when the threat of torture and the Rouen process weren’t able do so... and you don’t follow on it? Unforgivable.   

Shirou: This guy. This absolute mess of a human being. I need more and no, GO, “evil alternative self” isn’t what I mean (but yeah, gimme him too). After discovering him in Apocrypha I started digging my university library to hunt down his IRL self story and there is no higher accomplishment for a Fateverse character for me.                                                                                    Fascinating person and fascinating take by TM, double so since I discovered dude’s still being vilified in contemporary Jp stories/entertainment and man do that enrage me.

It’s like someone mixed up a character I love (Kirei), one I loathe (Kiritsugu), shaked it and the result it’s the best possible one I could ask for. 

I like the character design (both), the historical and post 3HGW backstory and how it shaped him into a Jeanne opposite (for excellent reasons), the most “Kotomine” traits like the snark and trollish attitude and how they cover all the suffering, despair and hate boiling under the constant smirk. How Higashide avoided the “turned evil” interpretation that’s prevalent in jp entertainment and made him a good person and a hero, if a misguided one and also the trapping of a “void/hollow inside” personality and instead gave him those fragments where you see he’s still a 17yo kid. 

He’s not just interesting, he’s funny to read, even with all the angst going on.  

The interactions with Shakespeare are great and... his relationship with Semiramis. Man, that’s excellent, excellent stuff. Can’t gush enough about how much I love them together

My only great complaint -for now, until I see a certain late discovery with my own eyes- is that all the narrative build up and comparisons between him and Jeanne (done in-universe and acknowledged within the text mind you, I’m not headcanoning here) went wasted. 

How can you write two characters who mirror each other so perfectly, put them as “head” of their factions, in the same role both... and not deliver with a confrontation? The only thing that tried to do so was -ironically- the anime in ep #13, as their confrontation in the novels wasn’t as personal and as good as the anime.      

Rank “good, excellent civilisation, never get tired of them”, 9.5/10

Shishigou: best father ever, 100% should legally adopt Mordred. He was/is extremely enjoyable to read about, snarky, smart, his fucked-up magus backstory had long lasting effects but managed not to destroy him, on the outside your tough, broody mercenary making hard decision but actually a good, moral person with a caring nature and, again, a great father. 

As already said, his and Mordred narrative is less tied to the different views of salvation theme and more to the “people making their wishes come true” and they’re bit of outliers for the whole duration of the story but I wouldn’t change a thing (except one T_T). 

His relationship with Mordred is one of the absolute highlights of Apocrypha for me, in every medium.

Semiramis: shallow reason first: charming, scheming, hot asshole-ish royalty in league with a Kotomine troll, what more could’ve I asked for?                        That she was an interesting char in her own right, which is what I got.          

More in-depth, she’s another character I never have enough of. Begrudging sole responsible adult of red team, I couldn’t help but grin every time she had to deal with AKA team or single members, not to speak of her scenes with Shakespeare, which are both amusing and very good for characterisation. 

She may not have that much of screen time compared to other faves but earned her place by making what she had memorable. 

Her backstory is simple: abandoned child learns to exploit her society view on women to rise to the top and get everything she wants and fuck everything else. Which not only neatly establish how and why she became what she is but also why this broken kid, which is a sort of her exact opposite, fascinate her so much. 

Speaking about our broken resident Kotomine, her chemistry with Shirou is simply great, all of their scenes are a joy to read. They have fun plotting together, they (she, dude’s either too young to notice or just let it go) casually flirts, have a functioning, mostly open relationship from the get-go that works no matter how messed up they really are and get each other’s back until the very end. Most of the more lighthearted stuff is in vol 1-2, then things gets more interesting. 

See, as much as she seems to be (and like to present herself as such to enemies) the perfectly devoted Servant and is aiding Shirou… she’s also truly villainous, cold and ruthless as hell and is also very conflicted and switch back and forth on what she wants, not much as out of the War as instead from her Master in particular (don’t think bad… okay, do) for the whole series. Vol3 and 4 are a godsend for her character and you dunno how I wish we had more than a bare bone summary for vol 5 because god damn some things in that summary. 

With the many, many stay night or Zero parallels and homages in Apocrypha, she come off as a sort of reverse Zero Gilgamesh and Gilles in being, respectively, the devilish member of the  Kotomine - Servant pair and the “personal involvement/interest in the saint figure, sometimes verging on the creep-ish, predatory behaviour" one (Gilles was 100% full on creepy mode, Semiramis keeps her thoughts for herself and is just tempted. I strongly appreciate), “reverse” for being conflicted, but in the end being a better person than both dudes above and respecting and knowing her partner enough to let go of her worst desires/frustrations. There’s some really good stuff in these two’s relationship, let me tell you. 

If Mordred-Shishigou take the cake for best platonic relationship in Apo, Semiramis and Shirou single handy destroy every competition for the romantic one. 

Rank “You. I like you”, 8-7.5/10

Vlad: here’s someone I’m pretty content with how he’s written (I wouldn’t change a thing), but really wish had had more space just because I enjoyed him a lot. Higashide nailed him and I wanted more of a historical Vlad III who is a hero, a good ruler caring for his country and a ruthless warrior and executioner and none of this aspects negate the others. Plus, it was refreshing to see a Vlad III being so clearly separated from the “vampire” twist that his wish for the Grail was to erase book and legacy from existence.

Achilles: a simil Alexander, I dislike the IRL/myth dude but can’t stay mad with their Fate incarnations. I like his personality, his quirks, his relationships with Chiron and Atalanta. Loved the mocking duel (and the anime committee will hear me scream from the other side of the world if I get robbed of it  yeah, I wrote this part before ep17. Fuck you A1). 

I don’t even think he needed more screen time, he’s really fine with what’s shown. Not every character need to be a main one and Achilles manage to be a good secondary one, with enough development and characterisation.

Shakespeare: here’s an enjoyable dude I like to hate. Amusing character, his interactions with Semiramis and Shirou are a joy to read or watch, but, fuck this guy. May Moriarty and Saber Gilles have their way with you in Chaldea.

Caules: one of those rare beasts known as “perfectly functioning siblings” of the Nasuverese. Respect his Servant and tries to do her right till the end. A good dude.

Rank “could’ve shined more in a longer and more focused series, but okay” aka those who served their purpose, 7/10 

Chiron                                                                                                            Atalanta                                                                                                          Karna                                                                                                                Fran                                                                                                                  Fiore                                                                                                                Darnic

Not really anything to say about each one here. They’re fine as they are.            

Could’ve used more Darnic, the 3HGW is a fascinating subject no matter who the Einzbern decide to summon and his actions shaped the whole world of Apo. Personally I’d have cut the Jack business and expanded him as a character/treat, maybe to shed light into CT politics and magus society fuckery (because if there’s something the Yggdmillennia as a whole and each one of them in particular show is how the magi society is an aberration that twist and corrupt everything it touch). But in the end I know it was either Ygg vs CT as promised or Rulers against each other and I’ll gladly take the latter.  A longer series could’ve had space for both, who knows.

Rank “nice arc. There are more interesting people but I’ve come to appreciate you” 

Gordes: Probably the human character who experience more growth in the series.

Rank “wasted” and “decent what little is there, perhaps, but still bitter after five years”

Avicebron: also know as the poor thing similar to the antagonist in background and wish that could’ve worked with the themes while also being a personal foil to the protagonist in being a golem/artificial life creator and user but the writer couldn’t/wouldn’t bother with him for some reason and he only got to be the “Gilles de Rais summon Chtlulu and heroes have to team up to bring him down” of Apocrypha, with no other purpose than being a Zero “homage”. 

To add insult to injury, the Adam threat does literally jack shit on a narrative point because “Servant goes stray and threaten the world, Servants form both factions have to team up to defeat him” already happened, 2 episodes before for the anime, end of vol2 vs beginning of vol3 for the novel version. And Mordred and Shishigou making an alliance with the surviving Black members was already going to be a thing after the Gardens mess. Shame, shame and shame.

Siegfried:  tainbocuailnge here has written some good meta about him lately and, yeah, perhaps all of that was intended, and I can kinda appreciate it. The point is that I couldn’t give a single crap over the OC when for him to come into being means sacrificing freaking Siegfried. I may not have read as much or being already attached to the literature/epic character like other cases but… no, just no. Siegfried deserved way better than what he got in Type Moon. 

Add more personal bitterness because with such numbers I thought it was finally time for the Heroes to shine and for the Masters to be sidelined and instead we got super special super powered MC. To hell with it.  

If anything, Siegfried may be the only character the anime did more good than damage. He’s still there and sometimes get to act as a mentor instead of being a useful power up and then fucking off for the remaining 4 volumes.

Rank “I tried to like you, I wish I could like you, but I cannot stand you no matter what”, 5-4

Astolfo: I’ve tried to like him but to no avail (rest assured, though, that I’ll deck anyone who’ll try use that t*ap or “girl” bullshit). 

It has to be that unholy combination of extremely airhead personality and mannerism, all the screen time he gets that could’ve gone to my favourites, that idiotic attempt at a “love triangle” (for the love of God, Higashide) and a voice acting that, I swear, even if I already didn’t like him from the novel the anime would’ve been the nail in the coffin. All these combined make him grates on my nerves like few other Fate characters. Perhaps part of my distaste comes from being unable to shake the feeling that the author himself don’t respect him.

I realise it’s quite… unfair, because on the page he has everything I usually like: he’s brave, he’s kind, he has morals and will maintain them in front of everything, he stand up to assholes, he save and inspire people, you can overpower him as much as you like and he still won’t care and will still fight you. 

Astolfo is a good, decently written character and I really wish the franchise would just stop using him as a joke and stop being so gross to him in order to cater to even more gross “fans”. 

If I were to put tastes/guts feelings aside, I could praise him for pages. I simply can’t bring myself closing the gaps from appreciating the undeniable qualities to actually like the character. 

Rank: fluctuating between “your concept should’ve been handled by a more experienced narrator” and “goddamn, does your very existence piss me off”, pending more on the second as we go on, less than 4

Sieg: on the page kid’s got a good arc. An homunculus, a magus’s tool, trash to be used and disposed off, gains consciousness and, shaped by what he witness and the actions and sacrifices of heroic figures, rise to free his kin from their slavers and then find himself fighting to “save the world”. How he attained freedom and have come to interpret it and his experiences put him in the path of the antagonist and the two and their “ideologies” makes for an interesting double face of the coin, forced salvation vs free offer and answer to actual prayers. Sounds pretty great. 

Unfortunately, Higashide aimed too high for his skills or didn’t learn well from Nasu and Shirou Emiya, or both. 

Otakus mad because he “got the waifu” aside, Sieg do come across as too damn lucky and overpowered and there is a limit on how much the in-universe reason “damn, the Counter Force had to work hard to give him a chance to stop a Heroic Spirit with hundreds time his experience” can go before the readers start getting annoyed at Heroes dropping dead or getting sidelined just to push him forward. 

I’m not a fan of these buzzwords, but the impression he’s a fan fiction OC that force the original and more interesting cast to revolve around/sacrifice for him or hijack their plots is damn strong. Scrap it, it’s not an impression, it’s exactly what happen. In at least 4 or 5 cases. 

There were also too many times he bore me to death so not really what you want from your protagonist. 

Another thing, more grave than personal preferences: his wish/fight firstly go nowhere, then get resolved too quickly without a fuss and then, once his goal has been effortlessly achieved, he proceeds to tag along and stole duels and confrontations from other characters, on which he had no stakes nor reason to be. What kind of writing is this?! He get the contract with Astolfo, walks in the castle and the Yggd agree on releasing the homunculi. And that’s it. Wow?

Also here’s my 100% personal reason for not having an ounce of interest in Sieg, godly writing skills or not: for once, just once, we could’ve got our first Fate solo female protagonist. An all-around badass but, at the same time, not an Arturia nor Shiki nor Arc nor Aoko clone. Who just happened to be my favourite historical figure ever.

Could’ve kept the same theme of opposing concepts of salvation, brought the Ruler vs Ruler/Saint vs Saint thing in the spotlight, with all their nice baggage of similar lives resulting in  opposite views by different regrets and traumas, faith or lack (that instead got all swept under the rug, and man if the self awareness of vol4 isn’t something to behold) and after five years I still feel personally robbed of all of this, especially when it became clear Apocrypha was yet another “male protagonist with the world revolving around him while the female heroine gets to be his support/sidekick. Oh, and as already said, he get the confrontation with whom the narrative builds as her rival”. Because of course he does. 

You don’t sideline Jeanne frigging d’Arc and expect me to forgive you for it.

Rank “why are you even here, why are we wasting anything on you”

Jack and Reika: ye god, why. The concept behind this Jack the Ripper? I find Fake ver superior but I’m on board. Then, first, that fucking character design. Sorry BL, reddit, MAL and whatever: putting a child in a thong is a revolting choice of character design and no, there’s no “well, she learned from prostitutes” that count.    I appreciate at least the connection made with Atalanta. But the execution. Their “plot” drag and drag on and goes nowhere (hilariously so in the anime. What was the point of Jack killing some random homunculi and disappearing for the whole arc, again?). Their only narrative purpose is doing ???? for roughly three volumes, *do that* to Atalanta and shaking Sieg’s worldview. At least they grant Jeanne some badass solo scenes and to us more insight on her character. Still the equivalent of a anime-only filler, and a bad one. 

Pity, really, because a child Jack who 1. is a child and act as one and 2. get heavily influenced by her/their Master and thus could either become a better person or be exploited wasn’t that bad of a twist for a famous figure but the pair was never allowed to be more than “Apo pair of rogue murderers”. 

Celenike: just… begone. I cheered when she died in the novel, cheered loudly when she died in the anime and will cheer even more loudly when she will die in the manga. 

#Anonymous #answer #fate apocrypha #fate apocrypha spoilers #fate meta #almost 4k words #fate series

[princepriestandpirate]

Character Solidifying for Rowan!

god this is so fucking late forgive me, but anyway here u go! answers under the cut

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

oh he loved his dad, and he thinks of him with a lot of love and respect. really, the only thing about his father that was not so great was the amount of time that he spent working, and both rowan and em wished that he had more time to spend with them. at the same time though, if rowan or emilia sought their dad out he’d always try to spend time with them. he was a good guy, and rowan wants to be someone who would make his dad proud & honor his legacy.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have?

his relationship w/ his mother is more complicated, mostly because she died when rowan was very young (she died in childbirth giving birth to emilia, so rowan would have been about 3) so rowan doesn’t remember her well. he maybe thinks of her with a bit of longing, but that’s more about the idea of a mother rather than the woman herself. 

3. Brothers, sisters? Who do they like? Why? What do they despise about their siblings?

he has one younger sister, Emilia (3 years younger). he loves his little sister a lot, partially because he was always very attached to the role of being a “big brother” and partially because he and emilia were probably each other’s only playmates as kids? they probably fought sometimes, like siblings do, especially since em always had a lot more energy and rowan just wanted to be left alone sometimes, but at the end of the day she’s one of the most important people to him. he’s very proud of her, even if she is a terrorist probably?

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

it wasn’t very strict at all but i also think he was a pretty good kid who didn’t get into trouble all that often

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

physically yes, mentally not as much? he and em had their own personal guards, and rowan was accompanied by a group of guards + marcus after his family was attacked, so physically he was never in much danger. on the other hand, his father believed in being honest w/ the kids and not trying to hide all the stuff that was going on in the outside world, and after rowan started traveling w/ marcus they didn’t keep their plans from him and let him be involved (probably because rowan would be even more upset if he didn’t know what was going on)

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

all affection. one thing that can be said for his tragic backstory™ is that at least he was always surrounded by people who loved and cared for him

7. What was the economic status of their family?

very rich, they were nobility

8. How does your character feel about religion?

he wasn’t raised in any religion so he has no attachment to any specific religious beliefs, but he believes that gods exist and it’s probably a good idea to stay on their good side (although this is changing a bit now that he’s met a bunch of gods and some of them are dicks *cough* aengus *cough*)

in modern day he’d probably be considered vaguely agnostic

9. What about political beliefs?

very anti-new initiative and pro-hoth (obv). on a more theoretical level, he believes that there should be a government to unify, organize, and protect the people, but it shouldn’t run into totalitarianism and should have input from the people it governs.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?

as a kid, very book smart, which would have continued if it wasn’t for the attack on his home. he ended up having to abandon his studies to some extent and focus much more on practical skills, so he has a good amount of street smarts as well now, although they mostly focus on his ability to move unnoticed and gather information.

11. How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?

he sees himself as fairly smart, but not super well-educated (or at least not as well educated as he’d like to be), since he’s self-taught on a lot of stuff and doesnt have a full formal education

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?

i think the fact that he was well educated as a kid but had to quickly adapt to life on the road (w/ a bunch of guards no less) is reflected in his speech, as he goes back and forth between a more formal speaking style and more casual speech in his day to day conversations. he can switch back into more formal/well-educated speech if he needs to (see: when pretending to be a noble) but it’s not very natural for him.

13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?

he loved it! he’s a fucking nerd and he loves to learn, so much that he kept up his studies even after he lacked a formal schooling environment. he also really like his teacher ms. alduri, even if she was strict sometimes. he didn’t have schoolmates though, he was basically homeschooled and his sister was younger than him and interested in different subjects anyway.

14. Were they involved at school? Sports? Clubs? Debate? Were they unconnected?

those didn’t really exist, he had private tutors

15. Did they graduate? High-School? College? Do they have a PHD? A GED?

he stopped his formal education at age nine

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

he’s a spy, basically. he doesn’t really see it as a matter of liking or not liking his work, but instead the work that he does is a matter of necessity. he’s doing this work because it’ll help him achieve his ultimate goals (bringing down new initiative/bringing back hoth) and because he has a deep loyalty to the resistance for all the help and protection they’ve given him. he likes that he’s doing useful work, and he likes seeing new places.

17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?

all the time since he was nine. they never stopped in one place for more than a month, mostly around khajjitan (sp?) and then when he started helping out the resistance, in the desert as well, although recently he’s been traveling farther north. he travels because if he stays in one place too long he might be found by people who may potentially want to kill him, and because his job requires it.

18. What did they find abroad, and what did they remember?

this is kind of a weird question to answer, because at this point his “being abroad” encompasses… over half his life? but i would say he found his godfather, his favorite weapon, his best friend, and a lot of new skills. he remembers a lot of moving around and never really making friends or relationships that lasted, and seas of grass, and later seas of sand that go on for days. and he of course remembers marcus sticking by him and taking care of him.

19. What were your character’s deepest disillusions? In life? What are they now?

right after his home was attacked i think he realized, moreso than he ever had before, that the world was a mean and dangerous place and that he wasn’t safe, and that no one really was. i think it’s still probably something close to that, that you can’t really trust anybody but yourself and a few others.

20. What were the most deeply impressive political or social, national or international, events that they experienced?

oh boy. well, when he was very young he was in the area when the capital of hoth collapsed, and he was also present for the attack on his home where the last king of hoth was assassinated. later on, he was in the capital of khajjitan when the high councilor was killed in an attack on the city and he participated in fighting off invaders. he was also present when that one building blew up in the fishing villages. a lot of shit has happened tbh.

21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?

he’s pretty polite to strangers, kind of a snarky shit to people he knows better. i don’t think he’s particularly taken with the ideas of heroes, but he would model his image of a hero off of his father or marcus, very kind men who always put others before themselves.

he hates a good portion of jashtall’s government. he also tends not to like people he perceives as untrustworthy which is… ironic

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?

lumley + the people on his team, although to varying degrees (he probably puts lumley, maybe peitho and honeyclaw in the friend category, while he views mies and ko as coworkers, although he’s starting to get closer to mies). he doesn’t really have a lot of friends otherwise since he didn’t grow up around a lot of people his age. he also doesn’t really have ‘lovers,’ unless you count a couple one-off flings from when he was traveling by himself or his current thing with quinn.

as for ‘type’, i dont think he pursues romantic stuff often but he tends to go after people who are a bit more outgoing than him that he can have a good conversation with/match intellectually (that he can nerd out with basically). i think he also tends to go for people who are taller than him? i think that’s a thing

(i’ve also definitely decided that his taste in girls is “girls that are definitely way cooler than him” but i havent figured out his taste in guys yet, more info to come)

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?

he wants (or at least definitely needs) someone who is stable and can sort of ground him emotionally, and someone he can trust completely.

as for sex it’s…weird? because i think sex is something he wants/enjoys but he has a lot of hang-ups wrapped up in his issues with trusting others and being open with them. so he finds the experience of having to be very intimate physically or emotionally very uncomfortable and it makes sex kind of an awkward topic

24. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

almost none, he doesn’t interact w/ a lot of people outside of missions. when he is around people he either likes to fade into the background unless he’s put in a specific role he’s supposed to fulfill. in reality he likes to be in control of the situation and know what’s going.

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

he loves magic! so much that he studied it even after his formal schooling got cut short. he also loves history and reads non-fiction books whenever he gets the chance. and in his spare time he enjoys playing cards (which some of the guards he traveled with taught him). it’s how he developed a good poker face.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

what home lol

as for personal taste though, he tends to go for darker/duller colors that don’t stick out too much (he likes to wear shades of blue and brown especially). he likes comfortable and inconspicuous clothes, and goes for simplicity over complicated outfits, altho he’s a fan of layers. his head is shaved, but when it grows out he has dark curly hair. 

27. How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?

he cares a lot about his appearance but more in the sense of being very careful of what kind of image he’s projecting. he doesn’t want to stick out too much, and is careful to dress in a way that will make him blend in to whatever circumstance he needs to. unless he’s wearing the very fancy clothing he obtained recently so he could dress as a noble (a situation which is very weird and new, he hasn’t dressed up like this since he was little), he tends to go for comfortable, modest clothing that he can move around in easily, usually involving layers and some way to hide his face. nothing ridiculously high quality, but he likes clothes that will last him a while.

28. Who is your character’s mate? How do they relate to him or her? How did they make their choice?

he’s not really with anyone atm, all of his recent romantic encounters have been born almost exclusively out of him trying to get info out of people

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

depends on the situation and who you ask. in relationships, his tendency towards thinking of relationships strategically and hella trust issues/lying. in his job, has a soft squishy center that can lead to him getting attached, although on the other hand he also has a bad tendency towards very black and white thinking, putting a lot of emotional weight on ppl he trusts and kinda disregarding anyone who falls into an enemy category. it’s complicated.

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

oh boy is he! he’s holding onto his father’s death and his sister’s disappearance, and it’s not something that he’s going to be able to forgive, ever i think. it fucked up his life too much for true forgiveness to ever really be an option.

31. Does your character have children? How do they feel about their parental role? About the children? How do the children relate?

he doesn’t have kids, although he’d like to be a dad one day

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

usually evasively, if something is wrong or he doesnt want to deal with a situation his first instinct is to run or evade.

33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health? 

he drinks occasionally but not often, since he doesn’t like the “lowered inhibitions” part of it that much

34. Does your character feel self-righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?

very revengeful and somewhat righteous towards jashtall. they killed his family and destroyed his country and his life, he’s not happy.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

he puts a lot of pressure onto himself to live up to the roles placed onto him, so when things go wrong he tends to think of it as his fault and freak out a bit, usually trying to atone for whatever happened.

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

no, but he’ll endure a lot if he thinks its for a good reason or cause. and he doesnt like to see people suffer but there are some enemies he won’t be afraid to be ruthless against.

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

he’s not a big daydreamer, tends to be more focused on the moment and how he’s going to approach the future. he tends more towards the latter two, worrying quite a bit but tbh his situation calls for a good bit of that, and when he’s alone he prefers to revisit old (good) memories rather than daydream.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?

almost always very suspicious, even of things that seem relatively innocuous. he’s not very trusting and usually assumes others are out to get him or could lead to him being found out unless he has reason to believe otherwise.

39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?

he doesn’t (outwardly) ridicule others a lot i don’t think (unless they did something really dumb), but internally he thinks people who automatically trust others are dumb, as well as people who don’t think before they act.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?

he doesn’t have much of a sense of humor. he can laugh at other people’s jokes but is very bad at making them himself. he likes wordplay and puns though.

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?

he’s aware of his own strengths and weaknesses on a physical level, he knows what skills he has and how he can be most useful, but he’s not super self aware internally. he’s not very introspective and probably isn’t aware of how emotional he is.

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

right now, he wants his sister back, he wants jashtall in pieces, he wants to build his home again. he’ll sacrifice a lot of work and pain and hardship for that.

43. Does your character have any secrets? If so, are they holding them back?

oh boy does he lol. mostly the “secretly the prince of hoth” thing, along with the “currently a spy” thing, along with the several fake identities he’s using at the moment. he hold these things back from most people, but he’s becoming more open now that he has more people that he can rely on. he won’t give most of this info up unless it’s necessary to do so though.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?

very badly, but his responsibilities come first– it’s a rare occasion that he drops everything to go do whatever he wants. he generally tries to obtain his goals through planning and slow/deliberate action, utilizing help available to him rather than just pursuing things on his own. 

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?

very pragmatic, much of which is learned– constantly moving and running away lends itself to making one very pragmatic about their actions, which even extends to how rowan uses magic, mostly picking up charms and illusions because they tend to be the most useful, even if they’re not what he’d prefer. he’s not very impulsive and much prefers to clearly plan things out before acting. “responsible” is also a key character trait of his, he’s very committed to the responsibilities given to him or the responsibilities that come with any role he has (whether as a brother, a prince, a leader, etc.)

 46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?

height-wise he’s very average (he’s 5′9″). i don’t know his weight but he errs on the leaner side, although he does have muscles (his build is somewhat akin to a dancer’s build, where he has muscles but they’re mostly focused on being able to move quickly and efficiently rather than pure strength). he has very good posture. i don’t think he has any problems with his body, but he’s also pretty modest and doesn’t really want to show it off at all.

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Does they want to be visible or invisible?

he wants to come off as older and more secure and in-control than he is. whether he wants to be viewed as important/visible/invisible changes depending on the situation. if he’s pretending to be someone important then he wants to project that, but otherwise he feels very uncomfortable being looked at and noticed and would much prefer to blend into the crowd.

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?

very controlled and deliberate.

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

his voice is... tenorish maybe? idk, not terribly low but not super high either. he doesn’t have a very loud voice but knows how to speak authoritatively, and he tends to speak a bit more slowly and deliberately. 

in regards to pronunciation & accent (and also vocabulary), i think it’s somewhat apparent in his normal speech that he goes back and forth between a more “proper” and “educated” style of speech that he spoke growing up as nobility (which also would probably come with a hothean accent, whatever that is in this world), and a more casual style of speech that he picked up from years on the road (he also pronounces some words with a kajjitani accent/pronunciation), he can fall back into the more “noble” style if the situation calls for it, but his normal speaking style goes back and forth between the two. 

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

his main facial expression is a serious one, trying to seem impassive but definitely kind of “on” at all times. if he shows his emotions his expressions tend to be kind of grumpy, although he can put up a front and appear very polite and amiable if he wants (although he finds it very draining to do so).

#yourladybrie #rowan

[blaurascon-kzk]

KZK Discord Digest [Week of May 30 - June 7 Pt.1]

SUMMARY: There's a big thing we're doing that I'm gonna split off into its own post so people can directly reference that. Plus this post is gonna be enormous. Pt.2 should be up shortly after this one. It’s been a busy week!

After months of trying to land a rental and a job in VA so they can move, Kat and April have decided, fuck it, they're going - some generous friends will be having them stay there until they're able to find a place of their own. The PODs are already being loaded. Kat will likely not be able to make / release new things for 2-3 weeks while they move and get settled. On top of that, he has to put his cat Ishizu to sleep soon - she's developed kidney failure and the only treatment would involve dialysis and subq fluid injections, so the difficult decision was made to let her go.

To help fund the move, we've put up a lot of our old LEs and plushy avatars, including things like the Darastryx, Mana Machina, and Murk Beast that haven't seen the light of day since their release. The sale will run for a few weeks, minimum. Check it out here: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Okarthel/181/81/50

The Direwolf plushy is still WIP. See below for a sneak peek (with a lot of color) Direwolf freebie devkit is finished, barring documentation and instructions. Paid devkit will be getting a v1.2 update soon as well. No ETA on their release given IRL circumstances, but rest assured they are coming as soon as possible! Direwolf update is still WIP pending the move. We apologize deeply for the massive delay with this, and want to thank you all for your patience.

_____

May 30

Kat05/30/2019 @everyone Another quick teaser for the Eastern Dragon coloring page:  Noodle derg!

Kat05/30/2019 @everyone Last teaser for today, as this one took me all day to finish, but here's the final result for the Eastern Dragon coloring page. The PSD for it, as well as the Northern will be made available once they are both complete. And a quick reminder, You have until tomorrow night to contribute to my patreon at the 10$ or more level if you want to snag a cool resin crystal! I've got another batch of mail going out in a couple of days to fill recent orders so now's your best chance! https://www.patreon.com/darkecokat

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May 31

Kat05/31/2019 @everyone Amazing how much quicker something goes when you've got less detail to contend with! The Northern and Eastern Dragon pages are done, as per the votes on the most recent Coloring page Poll. You can download all the available pages here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1PfjTfO0M2a47arowNzhXD7MWxEDeNfgI  And here's a preview of the Northern Dragon coloring page! A lone Dragon emerges from its den to greet the emerging spring as the final snowfall starts to melt.

Kat05/31/2019 @everyone Keeping the productivity train rolling. Decided to pick up the Direwolf plush today to break up the monotony of setting up devkit stuff and arting. Here's a preview of one of the steps of making a 3D model. This color vomit is not just awful to look at. It actually serves a very important purpose. Once I've finished the low poly model, I will bake these colors onto it, and my software will be able to use these very distinct colors as a 'Color ID' Mask. It'll save me a bit of time later setting up all the markings during the final baking/texturing phase. Stay tuned for more updates.

Kat05/31/2019 @everyone Been a busy day for announcements the last couple of days. Apologies for nuking your notifications. So update on the job situation.

As of this moment, my fiance and I are on the brink of burning one of our last few bridges with no way of going back. Her job has failed time and time again to work with her on scheduling for travel, and through no fault of her own, could be jobless by the end of tomorrow. Monday she flies up north for an interview, and if they don't hire her, we're out of options. She'll be jobless and we'll be stuck in Louisiana for at least the next six months which is far from ideal.

I say this because I need to start looking forward toward new projects. I'd intended to get the Direwolf update out before I started anything new, but this move has already caused so many delays and problems, that things are now piling up and I need to keep my income stable if I have any hope of qualifying for a place on just my income alone.  So I will do my best to get the plush av out, get the freeby dev kit out, then I will be moving forward with production on a new avatar, while simultaneously working on the remaining bug fixes, missing features and general QoL improvements for the Direwolf.

I promised the update, and as usual, I've dropped that ball. For that I am sorry, and I can only hope for your forgiveness and support as my Fiance and I try to transition through this exceptionally difficult time in our lives.

I hate this state. I hate the people here. I hate being alone all the time. This move is supposed to help fix most of that, and putting out new content is the only way I can make that happen. I hope you all understand. Thank you.

______

Jun 1

KatLast Saturday at 7:08 PM @everyone Update on the devkit progress: The Paid devkit will be getting a 1.2 release to address some minor issues bugging me, but that's not happening just yet. The freeby kits have been finished. Now I'm penning up the documentation and usage instructions. Those should be available once I get back from Dallas.

Speaking of Dallas, I will be gone for Sunday, monday, and tuesday. Its cheaper for us to book a hotel room and stay two nights to wait for her return flight than it is to drive back and forth (a total of 12-15 hours of driving for two round trips to dallas) so I'll be camping out in my hotel room with my switch and laptop xD. Hopefully I will have some good news on monday.

______

Jun 2

KatLast Sunday at 11:13 AM @everyone so.. I will not be going to dallas, as originally planned. Last night my eldest cat ishizu got very sick. I'm sitting at an emergency clinic right now and wont be home in time to join. So please.. do me a favor, send @AprilsaurusRex words of encouragement for her interview. I'm not able to be there to support her on this trip and its tearing me apart.

KatLast Sunday at 1:07 PM @everyone At home now, waiting on news of the blood test results. Doctors had to sedate her to draw blood because she was fighting back so badly. Normally i'm there to calm her down but the clinic was exceptionally busy and I desperately needed food in my stomach. Total costs are already up around $400 for the IV(sever dehydration from constant vomiting), blood work, and the exam fee. that, compounded with the expenses to book the flights for this interview have taken a bite out of my savings so.. expect some sort of sale or something soon. I'm going to use the unexpected next few days home to focus on work. Thank you all for your support, patience and understanding.

______

Jun 3

KatLast Monday at 3:01 PM @everyone Going to try to keep this brief today. Lab results came back early yesterday for my cat(I spent all day just.. processing, and... preparing myself for whats coming.).  I've been reviewing her bloodwork and doing my best through research to interpret the results, along with the information provided by my vets. Her kidneys are in bad shape, and the only 'treatment' now is dialysis and weekly subcutaneous injections of fluids to combat dehydration. I can barely give her a syringe of chicken flavored medicine, let alone get her to sit still long enough to give her a shot. They had to mildly sedate her to even draw blood so... I've made the soul crushing decision to.. stabilize her for now, make her comfortable, and set a date. She will be buried next to my other animals.

As for moving... My fiance and I decided 'fuck it'. Job or no, we're leaving. Thanks to some generous friends in the area, we've got a place to stay while we find a place to live or while she looks for a job should the worst happen and Geico fall thru. I've already ordered the pods and i h ave 15 days to load it before city officials fine me for the pods overstaying its welcome. That'll arrive on the 6th so.. basically everything's on hold at this point while I move and prepare myself to say goodbye to my beloved Ishizu. I got her as a freshman in highschool. I'm going to miss her. so much. I dont want to put her to sleep but weekly injections, stress, and constantly being dragged to a vet where its cold and sterile and constantly stinks of fear is not how I want her final days to play out. I didn't come to this conclusion easily, and even now I wish there weer another way.

KatLast Monday at 3:08 PM @everyone All I ask is that when you get home, or if you are home.. give your cats, dogs, brids, lizards, snakes, turtles.. whatever animals you share your love with, please just.. give em a hug for me, ok? Let em know they're loved, even if they dont understand it. Thank you all for your kind words.

KatLast Monday at 9:58 PM @everyone As mentioned before, I've opted to put up a bunch of retired stuff for sale. Some of the stuff was sold recently when our car broke down, but some of it, like the freeby will o drakes, the murk beast, and the mana machina, haven't seen the light of day since their initial release. Also available is the darastryx, the winter hunt freebies (wings, horns, tail, ect), and a bunch of LEs released for the Sergals, Fennecs, Raptors, Central Dragons and Rift Dragons. I hate that I have to do stuff like this but I will have no time over the next 2-3 weeks to produce any new content, and this is my best chance at staying afloat financially while the move happens. Thank you. http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Okarthel/181/81/50

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Jun 4

KatLast Tuesday at 11:07 PM @everyone We've been having some major issues with our host, so if you have any issues with a purchase, PLEASE let myself or @Blau know. I will do my best to respond and resolve the issues.

That said, by popular demand I've set up 4 new sets of avatars out that were previously exclusive to preorder or hunt events: This is the LE Fennecs, LE Ferox, LE Kaori, and the Hunt exclusive Rift Dragons. This sale will only go on for a few weeks.

A fond thank you to everyone for their support and kind words. It means the world to me. Ishizu is home with me now, and has spent the majority of today relaxing and resting.  She's yet to eat anything, but she's drank a bit. Hasn't used the restroom yet though which has me really worried.

______

Jun 5

KatLast Wednesday at 11:08 AM @everyone If you or someone you know has had any issues with deliveries, please drop me a message in SL. I know the alloy was a bit issue (entirely because of a mistake I made), so just drop me a message mk?

KatLast Wednesday at 12:32 PM @everyone If you're wearing a Kirin Alloy and your neck/spine guards attach to your HUD, this is a bug with Firestorm, not the avatar. I've just tested a freshly unpacked copy on the Default viewer and it works just fine for me. So make sure your viewer is up to date, and if it is, send a bug report to the Firestorm devs. Thank you.

#kzk-dd #kzk

[travisolearyisback]

Whenever I hear this song I think about you.  I still think Blink 182 was describing us, even though this song predates you and I.  

I hope that you’re in a better place in your head.  I always worry whenever you don’t post anything or I don’t hear from you.

It was never my intention to complicate your life further.  I just wanted to be your safe space.  Someone that you could always turn to when things get bad.  It was when you decided to give up on love that I had to speak up and reveal my true feelings.  I couldn’t let you turn into something that you’ll regret, because I know that you have so much love to give.  When you love, you love with everything that you have.  I admire that.  I need that.  I need you!

I wanted to tell you this in person and not here on the internet, but you need to understand a few things about me.  I suffered from a physically and emotionally abusive father.  When I was 5, my father was going to beat my mother again.  I knew this time was really bad though and I decided that I had to do everything in my power to stop him.  I grabbed him by the back of his belt as he drug me across the living room and into the kitchen chasing after my mother.  He had her bent over backwards on the counter.  I was yelling at him and punching him so that he would turn his attention to me instead.  When that didn’t work, I got a chair from the table and jumped on his back.  Finally, that worked.  He grabbed me and threw me across the room and into a wall.  I got knocked out cold, but my mother lived.  That was the day that my mother decided to divorce my father.  When I was in the third grade I was visiting him.  I don’t remember what I did to upset him, but he tried to strangle me to death.  Right before I was about to pass out, I hit him with a left punch to his liver.  He was drunk at the time and instantly crumbled to the ground, cussing me to death as he did so.  These are just two of the many times when I thought that he was going to kill me.  His internal anger was already bad, but his alcoholism fueled that hate even further.  That’s why I don’t drink and why I’m so kind to others.  I never want to be like him.  Sadly, his brother and cousin that was raised with him were exactly like him.  They all learned that from my grandfather.  I had to break the cycle.  I’m proud to say that I have.

Another thing that affected my life greatly was that I was raped from the time that I was 3 to 4.  I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  It was by my babysitter’s daughter and her friends.  A man being raped by a woman isn’t a bad thing right?  I didn’t think so, but it led me to believe that that was how people were supposed to behave.  Needless to say, I was sexually active at a very early age after this happened.  I dated a lot of older girls when I was in elementary school, as well as those my age.  I didn’t think it was a big deal because I couldn’t get anyone pregnant.  Well, at 14 (8th grade) I was about to have sex with someone that I trusted and had known for years.  Right before penetration she told me that she loved me.  She wanted me to say it back, but I don’t like to lie.  I told her that I liked her a lot, but that I didn’t love her because we were too young for true love.  Needless to say, she was very upset.  She got up, put on her clothes and left my house.  We never had sex or did anything that she didn’t want to do.  I got a call from one of my best friends a couple of hours later saying that she came by his house and they had sex.  I was cool with that.  He and I went back and forth with her for years before this.  A month or two later my dad came and took me out of school.  I had no idea why.  He drove me to the police station where I learned that she said that I raped her.  I was caught completely by surprise because I would never do anything like that.  My mother had told me before this happened that she was raped as a teenager and her bestfriend was raped and murdered as a teenager as well.  I will never hurt someone like that.  I trusted this girl and because I wouldn’t lie to her and tell her that I loved her, she wanted me to be thrown in jail.  That would have ruined my life as I would have missed out on High School and College, not to mention the reputation that I would have received.  Everyone who knew me and knew her knew that she was lying though.  She was even ran out of her own school by her classmates.  I felt bad for her, but I still had to fight for the next year and a half to clear my name.  Needless to say, I was found innocent of rape.  But, what she did kept me from trusting those with whom I got into a loving relationship.  I spent the next 8 years breaking up with the women who I began to love.  I couldn’t get too close to anyone without fearing a repeat of the past.  I finally decided that I wasn’t going to date anymore or even have meaningless sex for that matter.  I went 15 years without sex.  It wasn’t until last year that I began to change.  That’s when I met the girl that thawed my frozen heart.  As you know, that wasn’t meant to work out.  She needed to experience life before being able to give me what I need.  I’m cool with that.  I’ll always be thankful to her.  She’s what led me to you.  I wanted to learn more about how someone her age thinks and what you like.  I had isolated myself for so long that I was completely out of the loop on everything.  Slowly, I began to realize how much we have in common and what a wonderful person you are.  I haven’t connected with someone like that in a long time.  I didn’t want to tell you though because you were already dealing with so much.  A broken heart, personal issues that I won’t divulge here and so much more.  It was never my intention to take advantage of your situation.  I really did just want to be your friend.  I make no apologies for telling you my real feelings though.  I would have always wondered what if, had I not.

All of this leads me to my concern, your sexual needs.  When you want to be choked, spanked until you bruise or bleed, collars with chains, rope torture, etc...  I never want you to experience pain.  All I want to do is to love you.  To make you feel pleasure, happiness and bliss.  I associate all of those things that you want with pain and unhappiness.  I don’t understand your desire for stuff like that.  I don’t judge though.  I just need time for you to explain to me why you want it and time to trust you enough to know that events from my past won’t be repeated.  I grew up in a really rough school.  There were fights everyday.  You had to fight to survive.  That’s where I learned that I had a switch inside me.  I’m really cool and calm until that switch is activated.  Then, I go ballistic.  It still scares me to let that part of me out.  I learned to control it, but I know that it’s still there.  It’s the part of my father and grandfather that was given to me at birth.  I hate it with a passion, but it’s my survival instinct.  I’m afraid that I don’t know how to go halfway and not do harm.  I never want to harm you.  That’s why I don’t want to give you what you want sexually.  It will take time if that’s what you need though.  You’ll have to be patient with me and teach me what to do and what not to do.

I wanted to be a doctor and I took the pledge to be a doctor seriously.  “To do no harm to anyone.”  It wasn’t until 9/11 that I wanted to kill someone.  That’s when I changed my focus from medicine to the military.  I realized that I couldn’t be a doctor when I wanted to harm others.  I bought into the bullshit that our government was selling us at that time.  I’ve come to see that all they do is lie to control us though.  I’m so glad that I got hurt during my training and that my back issues kept me from serving.  Otherwise, I would be a killer.  I don’t think my conscious could handle killing innocent people.  I have many friends that did just that and they are still suffering to this day.  I’ve been lost ever since.  At first I was pissed off.  Mad that I had been lied to.  Mad that I had fucked off my education.  Mad that I was permanently injured.  Soon, I became mad at the world.  I spent my time bouncing from job to job so that I could get enough money to start my own business.  Working 18-24 hour days.  It didn’t leave me time for a social life.  Then, my father got sick with lung cancer from all of his years of cigarette smoking.  It spread to his liver and his brain.  That’s when I quit working to take care of him full time.  Being the only child, I was the only one who could take care of him.  He didn’t want to go into a nursing home and I honored his wish.  It was ironic though.  The man who tried to kill me on multiple occasions now needed me.  Once his anger was gone, we actually got close.  I hate to say this, but I’m glad that he got cancer.  We never would have got a chance to reconcile if that hadn’t happened.  The greatest thing that I learned while taking care of him was that I had wasted a huge part of my life chasing after menial things.  I was missing what I needed most...Love and a family.  That’s the most important thing in life.  He’s almost been dead for a year now, so you know that I’m not rushing into anything.  My move to Denver has pressed me to acknowledge my feelings for you as well though.  I don’t want to leave without fully expressing myself first.  I don’t want to leave without you.  I can’t tell you how to feel.  Only you can do that.  If it’s not me that you choose, I’ll be okay with that.  Sure, I’ll be sad, but I want what’s best for you.  If that’s not me, I want you to find someone that will always love you and Lillie and someone who will treat you both right for the rest of your life.  I don’t want to see you make the same mistakes that I’ve made.  I don’t want you to waste your life chasing after things that don’t matter.  And, I definitely don’t want to see you let your heart turn to stone.  Your soul is too special for that.  Please don’t ever let your past or your internal issue make you think that you’re not worth the best.  You are wonderful.  You are special.  You are worth everything.

“I Miss You” & I Love You

3:25 am (5/31/2017)  -  It took me 3 hours to get all of this out.

[jam2289]

A Custom Religious Wedding

All weddings are unique. Some are more unique than others.

When I first sat down with Joel and Kelly we had already rejected the wedding ceremony that I had created and used three times previously. It's an excellent ceremony, but they wanted something religious, and that one really wasn't. I didn't know how the meeting would go, but I knew that I wanted to be open to exploring the possibility of something custom made and tailored just for them.

The Bible offers a plethora of stories. Humans think in stories, and we live stories. They contain more of a comprehensive framework for interpretation and interaction with the world than can ever be processed in a less symbolic way. I thought I might be able to use that.

I wasn't sure if I could turn any story in the Bible into a wedding ceremony, but I was willing to give it a go. I was curious to see if it would work. If it did, then we would have an awesome wedding. And, if it wasn't working, then we could just switch to a more traditional form.

I encouraged Joel and Kelly to tell me their favorite stories. Kelly knew hers right away, Esther. She was a little reluctant because she didn't know how I could possibly apply that. And, at that point neither did I. Joel was a little less certain, but eventually we were able to settle on the story of The Prodigal Son. I also had no idea how I was going to use that one.

It took me awhile to process the possibilities. I let the ideas roll around in the back of my mind. I made a few notes. And, I was able to get it.

We had a couple more meetings and exchanged various messages and comments back and forth online until we had it adjusted the way we wanted it.

A few small notes. When I do public speaking I don't write out my speeches, I don't usually use notes at all. But, for weddings I write the whole thing down. That's because it's best to try to get each word correct. It's also expected that the minister will hold a book of notes. There's no reason to do any different. And, a wedding ceremony is not a celebration of the minister. A speech should do the job that it's designed to do. A wedding speech should shine light upon the couple. (I learned that little but important lesson from some women at a Toastmasters meeting where a great speaker had a misguided plan to deliver a knockout speech at his son's wedding, before they corrected him of course.)

Here are my notes for the ceremony.

- - - - - - -

1. Joel seating people.

2. Joel down aisle. (Different music for different sections of wedding.)

Best man down aisle. Stand at side.

Ring bearer down aisle. Seated in front row next to aisle.

Maid of honor down aisle. Stand at side.

Kelly down aisle with father.

3. Jeff: “Who gives this woman in marriage?”

Father: “I do.” Sits in front row, aisle seat, opposite ring bearer.

4. “Joel and Kelly, please step forward.” Joel offers Kelly hand to step forward. Both facing me.

5. “Good afternoon family and friends of Joel and Kelly. At this time I will say a few words to the couple before we will dive into the story of the union that we are here witnessing today.”

6. “Joel and Kelly, please face each other.”

7. “Why, are we here? We are gathered here today to witness a union. The bonding together of a nuclear family. The family unit that is the core of society and the foundation stone of civilization. The unit of strength upon which our humanity stands. In this union we open up our hearts to one another, and we open up our souls to a powerful bond. This requires confidence in one another, and confidence in God. But there will be times when that confidence waivers. And that’s when we must remember what confidence means. Confidence comes from the Latin con fidere, meaning with faith. Faith can exist in the light and the dark, in times of joy and times of sorrow. Faith can be lost, and found once again. It’s the commitment to finding that faith that bonds the family. A commitment not just to each other, not just in front of God, or the witnesses here today, but a commitment to the relationship. A commitment to the process of repeatedly finding that faith and building that confidence.

8. “There’s an ancient story of the great Persian King Xerxes. He was seeking a new wife, because the last one had broken one of his expectations. His kingdom was vast, 127 provinces. Young women came from throughout the empire, but they weren’t just paraded at a ball. No, it was much more than that. There was a year of preparation, 12 months of eating special food and using special oils. Each woman was presented singly to the king. One such woman was Esther, and she caught his special attention. So much so that he decided to marry her. You could easily think that that would be the end of the story, and a happy ending, but that is just the beginning. One of the king’s officials had been gaining more and more power under the king’s favor. However, there was a man that would not bow to this official. The official was upset, and learning that the man was a Jew, decided to have all of the Jews in the entire kingdom killed. The man that would not bow was Esther’s uncle. The king did not know this, he didn’t even know Esther was a Jew. It would seem obvious that she could just talk to the king and have the law changed, but that’s not the case. One, it was the type of law that couldn’t be changed once it was passed. There was a certain date set for the killing of the Jews and that was that. Two, even she had to be called before the king, and he had been busy for the past 30 days and had not seen her. It was possible to walk into the king’s court unannounced. But, it took a lot of courage. If the king did not approve of your entrance then the penalty was death. Esther made the decision to enter. She talked to the king and another decree encouraging the Jews to defend themselves on the set date was issued. Because of that decision her people and her uncle were saved.

Such actions take courage and a special kind of inner strength. It takes trust and a positive outlook on life. Trust in God and trust in family and friends. It takes persistence, and the ability to see that your decisions are leading you on a path to happiness, the path that you have chosen.

10. “There is another old story of a father with two sons. One son decides to stay home. But the other son takes what is his and goes to explore the world. After wandering for awhile he runs out of resources. While working in a field he realizes that he could be doing the same thing at home, and would be the better for it. So he returns, not expecting anything other than to be a regular worker. But instead he is greeted with a great celebration. Singing, and dancing, and feasting for all. The son who stayed home asks why such a celebration would be held, when nothing like that had ever been done for him. The celebration is an affirmation of restoring the union of the nuclear family. The relationship is a living entity in itself. One that can be lost and then found once again. One that can die, and then come back to life. And the story shows that there can be love despite someone’s actions.

11. “When Joel and Kelly met at Northern Michigan University neither knew the future. They only felt the pull of a natural bond that was bringing them together. For Joel it was Kelly’s curly hair. For Kelly, we still aren’t exactly sure what it was. But good things were happening. Colton was born. But sometimes confidence waivers. It is these times when we search within our hearts and within our souls, to find what it is that we truly value. Who do we want to put our faith in? What do we want to commit to? The story of Esther and the Prodigal Son are favorite bible stories of Kelly and Joel’s. These stories show us traits that are important in life and marriage. Strength, trust, and unconditional love. Such virtues led Joel and Kelly back together again. Such virtues are what is required in a strong marriage. And such virtues are what will carry them forward into the future. For what is broken can be remade, and what is dead can be resurrected. The culmination of that process is what we are witnessing here today.

12. “Joel and Kelly have prepared their own vows, which they will give at this time. (Jeff gives out vows.)

Joel will give his vows first.

Kelly will now give her vows.

13. “In the future there will be tests of your confidence, your commitment, and your faith. In those moments remember these vows so that they may bring you closer together.

14. “In Corinthians it states that: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

15. “Joel, do you take Kelly to be your lawful wedded wife?

Do you Joel promise, before family and friends, to commit to your love; to respect each other’s individuality; to be with one another through life’s changes; and to nurture and strengthen the love between you two and your family as long as you both shall live?

16. “Kelly, do you take Joel to be your lawful wedded husband?

Do you Kelly promise, before family and friends, to commit to your love; to respect each other’s individuality; to be with one another through life’s changes; and to nurture and strengthen the love between you two and your family as long as you both shall live?

17. “Colton, can you bring forth the rings? (Colton steps forward with box and presents rings, and then sits back in the same spot.)

18. “These rings are a symbol of the faith that you have placed in each other, in your relationship, and the family that you have created together.

19. “Joel, repeat after me.

I Joel, take you Kelly, to be my wife.

I promise to love and be faithful to you.

I will be kind to you even when we don’t see eye to eye.

I will ask God to help me be slow to anger and show patience to you.

I will forgive you.

I will encourage you to fulfill your goals and rejoice with you in your accomplishments.

I will let go of my pride and trust you.

I will guard you and your heart.

And, I promise to choose happiness with you all the days the Lord gives me.

(While placing the ring on her finger): This ring serves as a reminder to you of my love and commitment.

20. “Kelly, repeat after me.

I Kelly, take you Joel, to be my husband.

I promise to love and be faithful to you.

I will be kind to you even when we don’t see eye to eye.

I will ask God to help me be slow to anger and show patience to you.

I will forgive you.

I will encourage you to fulfill your goals and rejoice with you in your accomplishments.

I will let go of my pride and trust you.

I will guard you and your heart.

And, I promise to choose happiness with you all the days the Lord gives me.

(While placing the ring on his finger): This ring serves as a reminder to you of my love and commitment.

21. “We will now have a prayer to bless the couple. Please bow your heads. Dear heavenly father, please bless this couple and this family. Support them in there love for each other and protect them in their faith. As you have seen in your wisdom to bring them together, guide them so that they may enact your will. Amen.

22. “As a symbol of the two individuals coming together to create one, Joel and Kelly will complete their unity hourglass.”

23. “Within the hourglass container there is already white sand. This symbolizes the presence of Christ in Joel and Kelly’s lives even before they came together. As Joel and Kelly pour in their sand the two become combined and entwined and rest upon the foundation of Christ. Each year the hourglass is turned over and all three sands pour through, mixing and combining and becoming one, more and more each year.

24. “Will you please rise? A marriage needs the support of a community. I am going to ask you a question, and I’m hoping that at the end of the question each of you will respond, “I will.” Will you, as Joel and Kelly’s family and friends, promise to support them in their marriage, love them, and encourage their love for each other?

25. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride. I would like to introduce the happy couple, Mr. and Mrs. Joel Jager.

26. Wedding walks down aisle, reverse order.

26. “The bride and groom will be dismissing people by row. As you are leaving your seats please grab some bubbles and begin to prepare the bubble tunnel that the couple will exit through.

- - - - - - -

With my four pages of notes, the two pages of vows, a little wind, a headset I had to turn on and off, and a microphone that I had to manage, I didn't end up with enough hands to hold everything. Luckily the best man was able to step in when I needed him to hold a few things.

Everything went exceedingly well, and I received several compliments from people who had noticed the unique content and quality of the ceremony and deemed it worthy of praise.

Trying something different is an adventure. The root of adventure, venture, means a risky journey. But, by taking that risk it's possible that we'll find new pathways that have not been tried before. And they may lead to new vistas of grand potential. From such a vantage point we may find, in the end, that the risk was worth it.

________________________________________________

To read more from Jeff go to JeffThinks.com or JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com

[rastacutie]

Trust is bull shit

About 3, 31/2 years ago I met this man. I know you’re thinking oh another stupid hurt boyfriend posts but this is crazy and my mind can’t decide what to do. This is now a legal problem I have no idea. I didn’t want this to ever get out of hand.

I met this man. I knew him for about 5 years from his mother who tried really hard to hook us up even though he was on Texas. (I was friends with him mom for a long time through an old friend) anyways he wound up moving here because he got a random call in the morning from his ex bitch of a waste of life saying she had no idea she was pregnant since Kenna was sitting in a weird way and she “didn’t think about it” she knew. She told her best friend and one guy she was cheating on and he took off to another town. Shocking because she looks just like him. Anyways she swore up and down it was his even though it was clear it wasn’t. But no one would man up to be there for this little girl and if he didn’t take care of her, her life would be terrible. About 4 months of trying to make it work she admitted that she slept with about 4 other people including his brother so it could be anyone. Then she left told him to figure it out because she didn’t want Kenna at all in the first place. And then HOOKED UP WITH HIS BROTHER!!! AND HAD A KID! Kenna has a fucking sister cousin in Texas she doesn’t even know about because the mother has hardly any rights and gives them up every year not even a birthday call. He left that crazy ass shit and came to Oregon where his god mother is. (Our mutual friend) but Kenna after a while I was the one she chose to call mommy because I’ve always been Irie. I could go on with this story but I’ll move on.

He heard that and knew I was the one so he purposes and I say yes. I was so excited my family loved him, they loved Kenna, we were looked at like the Joneses. He even told my dad he’ll never have to worry. That I’ll always be taken care of no matter what. That’s why my dad gave him the blessing.

He promised...

In between that he went through many jobs, always gone, found an unanswered women’s shirt in the laundry (even Kenna said it wasn’t mine) he tried to blame it on everything else but I was reading his texts looking at it all and I knew there was something more with his boss. All he would do is swear nothing happened try being extremely over the top defensive. Said it was his Mom’s (a rich women who doesn’t wear crap cloths. Um and she’s in fucking Texas why would it show up out of no where when I’m washing his cloths!!!???) anyways it was constant fighting between the both of us very aggressive love and we thinning, sex was become more less everytime I saw him. I knew. I didn’t need his confession I knew. At that point though I was pregnant with our child! One we tried really hard to get. I was so heart broken. And you would think he would understand. Well we kept trying and trying but it was just constant fighting and when it was fighting it was bad. Both of my winter jackets torn. (I live in bend fucking Oregon it gets below zero and I still have nothing warm to wear.) things were just getting out of hand even quitting and trying all these different gigs that just didn’t work out.

He did finally get a home gig but he was gone working all night and sleeping all day. I lost 3 days of sleep with the baby all night and the (at the time) 3 year old. I was wearing thin and with how bad my anxiety and depression was it was really wearing on me. But that didn’t matter. He would pretend to help once in a while but that was just giving candy out and ignoring the baby because the 3 year old is ALWAYS more important. This poor baby has only had real attention and love from me and who I call my mom (grandma Jess). It hurts my heart. She’ll always be our second. It’s fucked up. The fights got worse. Things were being packed and thrown by the door. His mom instigated almost all our fights because she now hates me. We hate each other. She’s wronged me in so many evil horrible ways I couldn’t even go there.

One morning I was spread very thin. The 3 year old wouldn’t eat the baby I was trying to get ready. Everyone had ate and gotten ready except for me. (Course mom is ALWAYS last) and I have my fiancé acting like a 15 year old while I’m fighting with the 3 year old to stop throwing fits and whining it’s rude and she had been doing it all morning. My anxiety kicked in and went nuts when he says “why aren’t you ready? I thought we were getting Dutch bros” I flipped my switch and exploded. I said “because I’ve had to make breakfast, get the kids ready, clean, now I’m changing a diaper and you’re not even helping at my struggle. So I said I was going to remove myself from the situation and go get ready. I haven’t even had time for a damn bowl of cereal! So I’ll do what you say and get ready! I walked into the bathroom and started to get ready. He must have felt a little bad because he then bring me a bowl of cereal I’m thinking “how am I suppose to even have time to eat that?” So I kept getting ready. Noticing that my legs were hairy on a hot day I was bummed and drew a bath so I could shave really fast. I couldn’t hear anything.

Normally my 3 year old either walks in or knocks or does something when she has to pee so I know. I never heard anything and continue to get ready. I was taking off my cloths to get into the bath and hurry so I latched the door. All of a sudden I have him with a pissed off face saying he’s done with my attitude that morning and was done. He told me 1 time to get out I said no I’m doing what you asked which is to get ready she can pee I’m the one that potty trained her. 2nd time he says to get out I say no this is my bathroom I can get ready if I want too. 3rd time he lost it and picked me up by my arms and threw me in the hallway. Closing the door so the 3 year old doesn’t see anything else.

He went into this trance that wasn’t him. No words were said I was pushing him off me ripping his shirt and telling him to stop. He kept flipping out and throwing me around till he threw me in the middle between our room door way and the hall again. Then got on top and strangled me. I have asthma so that short breath came earlier then most and I was fighting and my legs were giving out I was sure this was it. I have never felt more terrified in my life. The feeling still comes back once in a while just the feel of it. Once I went limp he got off and freaked out about what he had just done. Pacing back and forth staying please don’t call please think about what you’re doing. I said I am. You need help. And I called 911. Already I had terrible bruises that quickly. The man I thought loved me and would never hurt me like that did. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I felt heart broken I felt played I felt so little. Scared. Lost. Lonely. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to get over it. Those beautiful blue eyes that my daughter has burns in my eye lids. The feeling of the pressure on my throat I thought I would never forgive him. I had to move out of MY home I got MY self and had to leave according to DHS for safety, my step daughter was taken to Texas to be with his mother the one that hates me. They brain washed her, well tried she is smart and calls people’s bull shit out so she knew what they were saying was wrong. They would tell her I’m her fucking step mother. I have been her mom almost since day 1. I never had my heart break. She said it twice in front of her friend. And she was molested by her cousin and her grandma did nothing. Kept it a secret. I couldn’t believe all this.

At the same time I’m dealing with my fiancé trying to give him a chance to speak since he was broken admitted his wrongs, did his time, wrote me letters while he was in there (that she kept from me his mother) and he’s begging on his knees he’ll do anything for me and our family to be fixed. He couldn’t believe how it got that bad and he cried for days. Sleeping in his car but paying to make sure we can pay rent to have a roof over our heads especially with the 3 year old coming home. He even wanted to kill himself because he felt so guilty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because god damn me I love the fucker so much I could never explain. I mean come on I would never have kids but we had a planned child together. I love him to the point where love has me blinded I keep hoping as well that we can repair our family. He would blow up my phone if I was even slightly upset he wanted me and us back more then life. I tried.

He then cheats on me with two of his co-workers. He claims he never had sex but to read on his work phone how one says things like honey, sweetheart, and says I have to talk to you about something but I can’t tell you on the work phone. She shows up at the fair and he claims he had no idea she hits him up after and they both blame me and my insecurities. Shortly after I read another text on his work phone saying “I wanna do dirty nasty things to you” and the girl says “oh yeah ;) show me. Then it skipped to something else. Her meeting him for lunch and all this shit. I beat the crap out of him. She was constantly reaching out to me telling me shit that at first crushed me but then I saw she was lying hard core just to get under my skin. She wouldn’t even leave me alone after all the shit went down and he was on his knees crying and pleading again saying the reason he did it was only because I questioned if he loved me and he thought that was it. I told him it gives him no right to be sexting this women. Both were also in a relationship! My dumb ass still tried to keep our relationship going for our girls pretty much at this point because we as lovers changed. He claims it never stopped for him. My trust is gone. One second I love him the next I hate him with a burning passion. Idk what’s worse at this point.

It’s now been like 4 months and with his guilty Conscience and my insecurities now it’s also caused a lot of issues. I just can’t trust him even though we constantly talk. We love each other and want to fix this. He took upon himself to get into these classes that help with anger and parenting. I’m trying to give him that 3rd and last chance but I feel like so much has changed In our relationship it feels like that awkward first date but not in a good way. No hand holding, no leg touching. Yeah sex but I want more emotional insite love. He’ll do extremely nice gestures but it doesn’t feel emotionally the same. I tried to tell him that and he had to wrap his head around it assumed it would be better to split and wouldn’t call me or talk to me all day. It’s so easy now to disregard my emotions and his only matter. He didn’t even get the point. I don’t understood I want my family and my life back. But I woke up terrified again for the first time since June 4th 2018. The worst year of my life. He says things that would make you feel like he’s Prince Charming and everything will be okay. How much he loves me and needs me but flips a switch and it’s always my fault. I’m not sure how much more I can take. My heart has been through the fucking wringer and all I wanna do is cry. I wake up at 5:30am every morning crying because I miss him for 15/20 mins then fall back asleep. How could I love someone who’s wronged me so badly? I have NO idea..... 💔