#and somehow i've managed to completely lose any sense of being i've ever had yaknow because i just started molding myself to people

[kajillionaires]

yo where are my bitches who haven't felt a thing since 2014

#well okay heres the thing i have cared about so many things since 2014 but never in a substantial way #i just feel like the older i get‚ the less vivid i become‚ & i'm just constantly trying to etch myself into my friends' & families' brains #as someone more alive and more vibrant and colorful that i don't feel i've been for the past 6 years #and somehow i've managed to completely lose any sense of being i've ever had yaknow because i just started molding myself to people #and having to be alone for awhile i've realized that without having someone to build myself around or anything really to commit myself to #i just don't know how to be alive alone without having anyone or anything to completely immerse myself in #and that's completely my fault also because it's not like those people i used to define myself by abandoned me‚ b/c most of them didn't #i just have this tendency to love people completely and wholly until one day i just stop and everything about them annoys me #i'm 97% sure it's a defense mechanism so that i never get attached to anyone long term & i will never be left #but anyway i haven't formed a longterm and meaningful connection with anyone in over 5 years and that scares the hell outta me so holla! #i always whine about wanting to be loved but i refuse to let anyone be around for long enough to love me yafeel #i am the toxic one! #also as far as things go #i've never had a passion i've just been walking through the motions the entire time and it scares me because I'm really fucken GOOD at it #i am a capitalist's dream i'm a goddamn workaholic b/c i don't know how to measure my own value in a way thats not tangeable #so i build my entire self esteem on meaningless busy work to the point where without it i feel like im worth nothing #n e way add these to the things i should probably talk to my future therapist about #shut up itzel