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a-casual-egg · 2 years

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I told you I’d write it @grumpyhedgehogs

——

Egbert clutches his side and tries to calm himself down. This isn’t the first time this is happened, he’ll be fine. It’s just bomb shrapnel stuck in his body. He tries to push himself up but cringes at the sharp pain that comes from his side. He slides his body back down the tree he’s been leaning against for support. This all started as another battle against some people who were doing wrong or were trying to get something so they could do wrong. Egbert can’t remember. He��s tired, he just wants to close his eyes and sleep and have the pain stop. He reaches down to pet Seal Gaiman for some comfort only to find he isn’t there.

Egbert looks around for his chubby seal friend. He hears a few barks far away, maybe he’s smelled some scotch eggs and gone off to find them. Egbert laughs at the thought. His body aching a bit more. Egbert sighs and closes his eyes.

—

Corazón places his arm on Dob’s shoulder, “Y’see Dob, that’s how it’s done.” Corazón leans on Dob and examines his rings nonchalantly.

“So how it’s done is hide and let the rest of us do all the work?” Dob teases.

Corazón looks up from his rings and turns to glare at Dob, “I helped thank you very much! I stabbed them like five times!”

“Alright, alright.”

“You also used me as a shield half the time any of them went after you!” Merilwen calls as she puta an arrow away.

“It’s not my fault if you didn’t dodge out the way!”

“It’s also not her fault if you get mauled by a bear” Prudence states, using the tip of an arrow to clean her nails.” She hands it to Merilwen when she’s done.

“Excuse me?!” Corazón gasps dramatically.

Before either of the girls can respond Dob cuts in with “look, we’re all just lucky we chased them down and they didn’t get away, who did what isn’t important right now.”

“Prudence mumbles something under her breath that Dob can’t make out.

“Right well shall we head back to the ship, I’m exhausted.”

“Really?!” Merilwen asks.

“What? I want to relax and all my good wines are in there.” Corazón retorts.

Before another argument has the possibility of breaking out they hear the barking of a familiar seal. Seal Gaiman is galumphing and barking urgently. Dob could see the concern plain on his face. Dob crouches down to the seal’s level and pets his head.

“Woah, hey there buddy what’s up?”

Seal Gaiman barks at Dob then galumphs away a little bit and barks at him again. Dob looks back at Merilwen for a minute then back at the seal.

“I’ll go see what he wants to show me, why don’t y’all go relax on the ship?”

Corazón nudges Prudence and says something to her but Dob can’t make it out all he can tell is that it elicits a giggle from Prudence and an elbow jab from Merilwen.

He isn’t allowed to dwell on it for long as he hears another insistent bark from Seal Gaiman. He follows closely after the seal.

—

Egbert hears Seal Gaiman’s barking getting closer, maybe he brought some scotch eggs back for him. He cracks on eye open to see. He doesn’t see any scotch eggs but he does see a certain bard running after the seal. They make eye contact for a second before Egbert closes his eyes again. He hears Dob practically scream his name.

Dob picks up his pace a little then slides on his knees the rest of the way to Egbert’s side.

“I-Egbert are-are you okay?!”

Egbert opened his eyes and glanced down at the half-orc, his eyes as blue as the lake Dob dumps all their treasure into, but Egbert can see the tears welling up in his friend’s eyes. Egbert looks away.

“I mean, I’d say I’m fine but I’m pretty sure you can tell otherwise.”

“Right.”

Dob pauses for a moment, hands reaching out for the shrapnel. His hands are shaking.

“E-Egbert?”

“Hm?”

“I feel like we should get back to the ship before we take this out of you.”

Egbert let’s out a laugh and Dob looks up at him exasperated, the sight of Dob’s “angry face” makes him laugh more.

Dob makes an unintelligible noise “Shut up! What’s even funny?!”

“Sorry, sorry, I just somehow knew you were gonna say that.”

Before Dob can question Egbert, a giant dog comes bounding over and gently headbutts Egbert’s head seemingly confused and sad.

“We just need to get back to the ship okay buddy?” Egbert says to the mastiff.

Dogbert seems to nod and he lowers himself for the two adventurers to climb on. Dob helps Egbert up and walks him over to Dogbert. The two climb on and Dogbert heads off toward the Joyful Damnation.

—

Dob slides off of Dogbert and holds out his arms to help Egbert off the giant dog. Egbert looks at Dob for a minute before smiling mischievously. Dob opens his mouth to say something but by the time he forms the word what, Egbert has already disappeared from view and teleported to the side of the deck. Dob and Dogbert exchange looks.

“Hold on buddy I’ll dismiss then I can summon you up here.” Egbert reassures his giant pup.

Dob climbs up the ropes on the side of the Joyful Damnation and strolls over to the giant dragon man. Wordlessly Dob slips an arm around Egbert’s wait and pulls one of Egbert’s arms over his shoulder. They begin walking toward Egbert’s room but are stopped by the resident druid.

“Where have you two been I have been worried si-“ Merilwen stops her ridiculing when her eyes land on the shrapnel sticking out of her friend’s side. Her face switches from angry to worried. She looks up at Egbert, “are you alright?”.

“Yeah, I’m alright Mer.”

“No you’re not.” Dob retorts

“What are you a doctor now?”

“Well someone here has to be especially with how accident prone you are.” Dob says booping his friend’s nose.

Merilwen smiles to herself while watching Egbert sheepishly say alright and turn his head away from the other two.

“I better get him to his room, ‘scuse me Merilwen.”

Merilwen steps aside and lets the boys pass.

“I’ll bring you two some tea, okay?” She calls after them.

She gets a thumbs up from Dob in response.

—

Egbert tenses his muscles as he sees Dob grab onto the piece of shrapnel.

“You ready?”

Egbert stares at Dob for a moment. Dob stares back, neither seeming to want to be the first to look away first. After what feels like forever but not long enough Egbert looks away and says yes.

“Right.”

Dob grabs the piece of shrapnel with both hands and yanks it out, Egbert grits his teeth and cover the wound with his hand. At the same time Egbert puts his hand over the wound, Dob is doing the same. Dob hums a soft tune as blue magic dances around his fingers and around Egbert’s hand and into the wound. Egbert lets out a sigh of relief.

Dob gets up and grabs some bandages from his bag and motions for Egbert to lift his shirt up and he does. Dob wraps some bandages around the scar that came from the cured wound. After a few minutes of comfortable silence Egbert speaks up, “doesn’t this seem redundant?”. “I’m just being careful.” was Dob’s response. Egbert hums.

“There we go. If the wound opens again this’ll stop any blood before I can re-bandage it.” Dob says, standing triumphantly.

“Great.”

Dob cups Egbert’s face in his hands, “was that sarcasm, berty?”, Dob asks teasingly.

“Not at all.” Egbert smiles mischievously. He wraps his arms around Dob’s waist.

They stay there for a few seconds in a comfortable silence blue eyes staring into brown ones. Before Egbert yanks Dob into his lap. Egbert gives him a big hug, if you could even count it as a hug. It’s more of a giant squeeze. Dob giggles hysterically and grabs Egbert back in the big squeeze. Squeezing the broader man the best he can.

They are interrupted by the coughing of a small wood elf. They didn’t even hear the door open. Both boys look sheepish and Dob hops off the bed to take the tray of tea out of Merilwen’s hands. Merilwen hops onto the dresser and takes the smaller cup of tea off the tray. Dob hands the biggest bc up of tea to Egbert who takes it and immediately sips it and then he takes the last one for himself, setting the tray next to Merilwen.

—

Merilwen’s giggling finally calms down.

“Okay, okay,” “you good?” “Ye-yeah, I’m good.” “Alright.” “Alright.”

Merilwen takes a deep breath, “well I think it’s time we let Egbert rest, ey Dob?”

“Hm? Oh! Yes.”

Dob stands up and heads for the door.

“What? Dob, you’re just gonna leave me? What about my bedtime cuddles?” Egbert laughs through that and Dob giggles at it in response, “not tonight buddy, we gotta make sure you’re wound doesn’t open or get worse, okay?”

Egbert folds his arms and pretends to pout before letting out a soft okay. Dob giggles again and Merilwen watches as a soft, adoring smile appears on Egbert’s face then as Dogbert, now smaller, and Seal Gaiman try to wriggle under Egbert’s arms for warmth. Merilwen hops off the dresser and heads out of the room, deciding to let the couple have their alone time.

After what feels like maybe five minutes Dob stops leaning on the door frame and actually leaves the room. He makes his way to his own room and flops onto his bed. He pulls a pillow to his chest and wraps his body around it and smiles softly to himself.

—

Prudence flops into a chair and picks at her nails.

“Hey Cor, bacon.” She says nonchalantly.

“Get it yourself.” was the response as Corazón poured himself some ale to go with breakfast.

Prudence groans. Just then Dob walks into the ship’s kitchen.

“Dob.”

“Yeah?”

“Bacon.” Prudence demands.

Dob looks at her for a second before grabbing a handful of bacon and dropping it onto the table in front of her. Prudence picks up a piece and tears it in half with her teeth.

“At least use a plate.” Corazón complains.

Prudence snaps her fingers, “Dob. Plate.”

Dob places a plate next to the bacon on the table. Prudence makes direct eye contact with Corazón as she places the handful of bacon on the plate. Then goes back to eating bacon. Dob picks up two plates and fills one with veggies and one with bacon and eggs.

“What are you so hungry for, big guy?” Prudence asks, noticing the two plates.

“Huh? Oh, no this one is Egbert’s.” Dob says holding up the plate with bacon and eggs on it.

Prudence scoffs, “why’s he get breakfast in bed? Is it your anniversary or something?”

Dob chuckles and shakes his head, “no, no, he just gotta rest up so his wound doesn’t get worse.”

“What?” Corazón asks, finally paying attention to the conversation.

“Oh yeah, he got this nasty cut in his side from a piece of bomb shrapnel getting stuck in his side.” Dob shakes his head sadly before smiling again, “the least I can do is look after him.”

With that, Dob heads off toward Egbert’s room.

Corazón looks at Prudence, “how often D’ya think Dob looks after Egbert?”

“Oh, at least twice a week, I mean he’s really always looking at him but after him? That’s a different story.”

Corazón hums in response. Merilwen quietly comes into the kitchen and fixes herself a breakfast plate.

“Hey, Merilwen, did you know about Egbert’s injury?”

“Hm, oh, yeah.”

Merilwen sits down next to Prudence.

"I bet whenever Egbert gets injured, Dob uses it as an excuse to cuddle him." Prudence notes, while taking another bite of bacon.

"Just when he's injured? Please, they're cuddling every night." Corazón corrects.

"Actually Dob let Egbert sleep alone last night, Egbert asked if he was gonna get his bedtime cuddles but Dob thought it'd be for the best if he slept alone as to have a less likelyhood of messing with the wound I guess." Merilwen interjects, tiredly.

—

Dob pushes the door to Egbert's room open with his arm. As he walks in, Egbert is pulling a new shirt done over his chest, giving Dob a perfect view of said chest.

"Ah, good mornin'."

"Morning." Egbert greets back.

Dob holds out a plate for Egbert and he takes it before walking over to his bed and sitting down on it. Dob strolls over to the bed and sits down on it aswell.

They eat together in silence then Dob asks, "The wound feel any better?".

"Dob, buddy, it's just a scar now." Egbert says touching his friend's shoulder.

"But you can never be too careful." Dob responds. He places a hand over the scar now running down his friend's waist.

Egbert moves his hand from Dob's shoulder up to the back of his head. He leans forward a little bit and bites a stray bit of food off Dob's cheek. It causes Dob to chuckle.

—

Corazón moves away from the door to whisper to the girls, "Egbert just kissed him! on the cheek it looked like!"

Prudence smirks, "dorks" she says to herself.

"Are you sure we should be spying on our friends? This doesn't seem right." Merilwen asks.

"Oh come on, don't act like you're not curious."

"Hmm, a little . . . fine."

—

"You're weird, y'know that?" Dob says through a chuckle.

"Yeah."

"You could've just told me I had food on my cheek."

"Yeah, well I'm hungry and I wanted it for myself."

"Alright then."

Seal Gaiman and Dogbert appear at both sides of Egbert both trying to get a piece of bacon. Dogbert gently pushes Egbert's hand away which results in the mastiff getting head pats. Meanwhile Seal Gaiman steals the piece of bacon and rolls over to Dob to enjoy the bacon in piece.

—

Dob flops down onto the bed, practically exhausted.

"Long day?" Egbert asks putting down the book he was reading. A groan was all he got in repsonse. "Y'know . . if it was such a long day . . you didn't have to visit me." Egbert mumbles, fiddling his thumbs.

Dob rolls over onto his back, "no it's not that, I do like visiting you, it always makes me happy but . . ." Dob trails off.

"But you don't like me complaining how you're making me stay bedridden?"

"Shuddup." Dob mumbles putting an arm over his eyes.

Egbert looks away and focuses his stare at something else. There's silence for a little while, it's uncomfortable.

"Y'know I don't like it and my scar's fine so why are you being so insistent about me staying bedridden?" Egbert grumbles.

Dob props himself up on one arm and moves Egbert's head over so they're looking into each other's eyes again. "It's for your own good." is all Dob could get out before Egbert pulls his face away. "How do you know what's for my own good?".

There's another uncomfortable silence. Dob runs his hand over one of Egbert's before, intertwining their fingers.

"I-I just, I'm scared. ."

"Of what?"

"I'm scared . . . of you getting hurt, I don't want you to hurt, I have to be there for you, I have to. I don't know what I'd do if-if", Dob chokes back tears, hoping Egbert can't tell..

Egbert pulls Dob into his lap and cradles him in his arms. He places his nose in Dob's hair.

"Songbird, I'm the most resilient person here, I bounce back from anything."

"R-right" Dob lays his head on Egbert's chest.

—

Egbert stares up at the ceiling. He can't will himself to sleep. Even if an adorable bard is clinging onto him in his sleep. He sighs. Maybe a walk around deck will help clear his mind enough to sleep. He's sick of staying in bed anyway.

Egbert gently moves Dob off him and moves a pillow under Dob's arm. Then he tries his best to quietly open the door and leave. He heads to the deck. He leans up against the railing and watches the ocean waves.

He's there for a while before he hears the click-clacking of a familiar pair of boots. The tiefling they belong to leans on the railing next to Egbert.

"What are you doing out of bed?"

"Needed to clear my head."

Prudence hums, "your boyfriend giving you trouble?"

Egbert stares at Prudence for a minute.

"Sorry, my what?"

"Your boyfriend, Dob." Prudence clarifies.

Egbert opens his mouth to say something but then shuts it. Prudence laughs, "oh sweetie, I'm pretty sure the only one who doesn't know you two are dating is you."

—

Dob reaches out in his sleep for his heat source. He doesn't feel thr giant pillow. "Must've fallen on the floor", he thinks. Dob rubs his bleary eyes and blinks. He's not in his bed, he's in Egbert's . . . with no Egbert to be seen. Great.

Dob rolls out of bed and pushes himself off the ground and out the room to go look for his lost heated pillow dragon.

He sees Egbert on deck, looking at Prudence. They seem to be talking. Dob probably shouldn't interrupt their conversation but he can't help it. He sleepily walks over to the duo and leans on Egbert's arm.

"Oh speak of the devil." Prudence says, laughing a little, "I'll give you two some time alone.". She walks off back to her room.

Dob rubs his bleary eyes again, "what were you two talking about?"

"Dob."

"Yeah?"

"Are we dating?"

Dob stares up at Egbert, his eyes wide. The dragon man turns away, covering a furious blush with his hand.

"I-I mean, if you want, I did just kinda assume?-"

"You assumed we're dating?"

". . . yes?"

"Alright."

"W-we don't have to be if you don't wanna be obv-"

"No, I like the thought of being in a relationship with you. It's nice."

Dob pauses for a moment before a big smile shows up on his face and he wraps his arms around Egbert's neck with such a force it knocks them both down. Dob falls on top of Egbert and goes to apologize but is stopped by the sound of Egbert's laughter. It's such a pretty laugh too.

Egbert pulls Dob to his chest in a hug. If, again, you could call this a hug. Dob hugs Egbert back the best he can.

"You wanna head back to be-" "No." "But we should sleep, it's no good to stay up so late." "Then we can sleep here." "What? On the deck?" "Yeah, I'm tired of sleeping in my bed anyway."

—

The other oxventurers wake up the next morning to find Dob lying ontop of Egbert with one hand holding the other's and their fingers intertwined. Egbert with his other hand in Dob's hair and Dob's other hand wrapped around Egbert's body. Both snoring and sleeping soundly.

#oxventure #Corazón #Corazón de Ballena #Prudence #Merilwen #Dob #Egbert #Egbert the Careless #Dob x Egbert #Dobbert #Collateral Damage #I wrote this in one night be proud of me #egg writes

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the-last-teabender · 3 years

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FANFIC: Oxventure - Duel Destinies

RATING: G

WORDS: Just under 7k

SUMMARY: Corazón gets hit on the head.

A/N: This isn’t my first time writing fanfic, but it’s my first time in literal decades writing something that a) isn’t going into a charity anthology and b) isn’t single-sentence goofs in my Gchat window with @randomthunk. So I actually am a little nervous to just yeet my work out into the world without an editor/publisher frontline protecting me from looking foolish. I do have plans to fic more tho.

I approached this as though I was writing an official tie-in because that’s my comfort zone (and occasionally my job). Which was a little challenging because there’s a lot that’s not part of the story but is part of the viewing experience. I have not mastered it in one story but the attempt was fun. Also I haven’t smashed alt-codes this obsessively while writing since I wrote about Señor 105.

Thanks aforementioned Ginger for being my beta reader and basically sitting on me to post this instead of hide it in my writing folder.

Anyway, if you like what I’m throwing out here, I have actually a lot of stuff in print and even more coming.

----------

“Right,” Dob said, pacing the length of the deck, “before we go, let’s review. Prudence, what happened yesterday?”

“We found a bad man killing off local slimes to make slime booze.”

“Good. Corazón, what happened yesterday?”

“I began my awesome new career as a detective and threw someone out a window.”

“All right. Merilwen?”

“Mow.”

“Excellent. Egbert?”

“I set a tavern on fire and got my seal very drunk on slime gin.”

“All right, that’s us caught up.”

That wasn’t the entire catch-up, but all of them knew the events of the day before well enough. The forest outside the town of Esterwell was in turmoil, according to the wizard Binbag after he tumbled unexpectedly out of a pantry. It was suddenly bereft of slimes — the cute little blobby creatures generally used for target practice by up-and-coming adventurers. As it happened, slimes had other uses. Serving as the base for a delightful high-end alcoholic brew, for one. Serving as the base of the entire local food chain, for another. If the slime population continued to plummet, eventually the other animal populations would follow suit.

An investigation of the local slime hunters (led by DCI Jeff Crimestopper, a pseudonym Corazón was becoming increasingly attached to) turned up that they were all in the employ of the same man: one Alonzo Horgan, owner of the Horgan Distillery. One especially talkative young hunter revealed that Horgan intended to “wring all the slimes out of Esterwell Forest” before upping sticks to his next hunting ground.

The goal was, in short, to stop Horgan’s machinations before he destabilized the entire local ecosystem and went on to do the same to others. Somewhere along the way, Dob had got it into his head that the goal was to start a brewery of their own and hold a cider-making contest in the Esterwell town square… an idea the group at large now referred to as “Plan C.”

Plan A, currently underway, was to continue the detective lark and either talk sense into Horgan or (more likely) run him out of town. Plan B was burning down the distillery.

“I’m still very much in favor of bumping Plan B up to Plan A,” said Prudence, wiggling her fingers as the group made their way back into Esterwell.

“Mrow,” Merilwen the cat grumbled from Dob’s shoulder, which translated to something like, “But that doesn’t actually solve the problem of making him stop.”

“Oh, fine,” Prudence huffed. “Detectives it is.”

Corazón pumped a fist low and (he thought) out of sight. “DCI Jeff Crimestopper back on the case, bay-bee.”

They arrived at the home of Alonzo Horgan — a palatial manor in a town that really wasn’t the sort to have palatial manors. At least half a dozen residences would have to have been knocked down to make way for the place, which stood half again as high as the buildings around it that had survived.

Merilwen hopped lightly from Dob’s shoulder, turning back into an elf again, as the half-orc tapped politely on the door.

“No, no.” Egbert shoved past him, balling up one scaly fist. “You’ve gotta really punch it.” He slammed his fist against the door several times, making it bow slightly under the pressure.

“Open up!” Corazón shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth. “We have a warrant!”

“Don’t just say we have a warrant!” Merilwen hissed.

The door was opened mere moments later by a tall, rail-thin man with an upturned nose and a downturned moustache. “Mmcan I help you?”

Corazón pushed past the man. “Yeah, you can take us to Alonzo Horgan. We’re taking him down to the station for questioning.”

“I’m afraid Mr. Horgan is not—” But the man was cut off as the rest of the group piled past and into the house.

“Where is he, then? Upstairs?” Corazón pointed up the stairwell, one foot on the steps.

The man at the door, to his credit, did his best to maintain his decorum. “Mr. Horgan is not taking visitors.”

“We’re not visitors,” Dob said gruffly, looming over the man, “we’re detectives.”

“Is that so? Well, I do hope you meant what you said about having a warrant. Otherwise I may have to take you to the authorities.”

Alonzo Horgan’s voice silenced the group, but had it not, his presence would have. Fully six-foot-four, a stocky mix of fat and muscle generally only seen on back alley brawlers, stuffed into a fancy suit. His glare was imperious; his moustache was excellent.

Corazón swiveled and approached the master of the house. “Alonzo Horgan?”

“Yes, I’m… not sure who else I would be.” Horgan seemed put out for a moment, but recovered himself. “May I ask what business you have here?”

“DCI Jeff Crimestopper.” Corazón pulled a piece of paper from his coat, flashed it briefly, and put it away again. “This is my DI, Dob Tyler.”

Dob grinned toothily; had it not been Dob, it might have looked threatening. “Here to make sure my loose cannon superior does things by the book.”

Corazón gestured to the rest of the party. “DS Prudence, DC Merilwen. And, er, PC Egbert, he mostly makes the tea.”

“It’s really good tea,” Egbert piped up.

“No offense, sir…” Horgan gestured to Corazón. “But you look more like a pirate than a detective.”

“Deep cover, obviously. I wouldn’t expect a civilian to understand.”

Horgan waved a hand dismissively. “Even if I were to entertain the idea that you’re who you claim to be, I feel I’ve done nothing to warrant an investigation.”

Merilwen narrowed her eyes. “Nothing, Mr. Horgan?” Her voice was tense, hitting that slightly higher octave that her friends knew meant violence was quickly becoming an option. “Killing off an entire species for your own benefit is ‘nothing’? Allowing the local wildlife to starve is ‘nothing’?”

“Oh, it’s about the distillery, is it? I promise you, my dear, I’ve heard it all before.”

Dob gritted his teeth, giving Horgan a highly dramatic, highly knowing look. “I’d be careful if I was you, sir. DC Merilwen has a license to… er. Bear.”

Still, none of this seemed to faze Horgan. “If you think complaining about my methods is going to have any effect… let me assure you, it hasn’t yet. Now, unless you have any actual business with me…”

Prudence stepped up. “All right, look. Fine. We’re not actually detectives.”

“You don’t say,” Horgan deadpanned.

“That said… the whole slime issue is a real thing, and we really do need you to stop hunting them out completely. Or at least cut back.” Prudence looked back at Merilwen. “Cut back? Would that be good enough?”

“I prefer the idea of him stopping completely,” Merilwen seethed.

Prudence gestured to Merilwen. “Yeah, what she said. But I mean, it affects you, too. Do you like, uh… wild boar? I guess? Rabbit? Pheasant? I don’t know.” She spread her hands in an exaggerated shrug. “Screw up the food chain and you don’t get any of those.”

Horgan looked them all over, one by one. “You come into my home. You pretend to be something you’re not. And then you make demands of me that would effectively shut down my business. Give me one reason why I should even listen to what you have to say.”

Egbert had mostly detached from the scene in front of him, his eyes scanning his surroundings in search of something entertaining. They lighted on a pair of crossed swords on the wall, with a bronze plaque underneath: Esterwell Annual Fencing Championship, Second Place. Without thinking, he blurted out, “A duel.”

“I beg your pardon?” Horgan asked. The rest of the party fixed Egbert with confused looks.

“A duel,” the dragonborn repeated, with a little more confidence this time — confidence filled in a lot of blanks, in his experience. “If one of us bests you in a duel, you have to at least give us a proper audience.”

Much to the group’s surprise — including Egbert’s, truth be told — Horgan seemed to consider it. “Hmm. Well. I suppose it makes more sense than… whatever we’ve been doing.” He gestured at the room in general, then turned to Corazón. “On the condition that I fight this one.”

Corazón grinned. “Hell yeah. I’ll fight you. Prepare to have your whole scene wrecked by Corazón de Ballena.”

“I thought you said your name was Jeff Crimestopper.”

“I told you. Deep cover.”

Horgan sighed wearily and turned to his doorman. “See them out. Tomorrow at sunrise on the lawn. Come alone, whatever your name is. And pray you do not lose. I have no patience for time-wasters.”

The five were ushered out without another word.

“Not sure it’s wise to challenge a prizewinning fighter to a duel,” Merilwen noted when they were outside town again. “That sort of seems like the main thing he’ll be ready for.”

Egbert waved a hand. “Pff, it’s fine. The plaque on his wall said he was only second place. That means there’s at least one person better than him in town.”

“Still… What’s going to happen if Corazón if he loses?”

Corazón laughed. “Pff. Hah. Nothing. Because Corazón won’t lose.” He unsheathed his rapier and stopped to take a few jabs at a nearby tree. A heavy branch, near to breaking, creaked overhead. “You know what my crew used to call me?”

“Yes,” said Prudence, “you’ve complained about it several times.”

“I mean in battle. You know, when we captured ships. My swordsmanship is second to none. They used to call me Corazón the—”

There was a crash, and silence.

Egbert stopped walking, waiting for the punchline. “Corazón the what?”

“Er.” Merilwen pointed back toward the tree hesitantly. “Corazón the unconscious, apparently.”

Prudence turned and lifted away the branch, wincing at the sight of the pirate splayed out on the ground. “Oh, dear…” Then she looked up at the group. “So does this mean I’m captain now?”

---

The general consensus had been to let Corazón be once he’d been carried back to the Joyful Damnation and bundled into bed. He would likely be full of opinions and complaints as soon as he woke up. That, and he’d need his rest before dueling Horgan the next morning.

There was no bleeding as far as they could tell. Just a big bruise that would get bruisier over the next few days. Egbert dropped a quick bit of healing on Corazón which, while it would likely be helpful in the long run, did nothing to wake him. Eventually, Dob took up a seat by the enormous bed in the captain’s quarters, keeping an eye on the patient and picking out a few chords to pass the time. Just as he was getting a good riff worked out...

“Ow.”

“Ow?” Dob leaned over the bed. “Did you say ow?”

“Yes, I said ow. Because I’m in pain.”

Dob jumped up from his seat and threw the door open. “Guys! Guys! He’s awake!”

Prudence was the first to run in. “Is he okay?”

“Sounds like it.”

Egbert followed, with Merilwen bringing up the rear. They crowded around Corazón’s bed, realized at the same time that that would probably look weird from his vantage point, and backed off a bit.

“Corazón?” Dob leaned in slightly. “How’s your head?”

He squinted up at Dob. “What did you call me?”

“Oh, right.” Dob laughed. “Silly me. How’s your head, DCI Crimestopper?”

This just seemed to confuse him more. “Who… what are you talking about?” Then he pulled himself up to sitting, perhaps a little more quickly than he ought, and pressed a hand to the top of his head, looking around. “I feel like I’ve been beaned with an entire tree. Where the hell am I?”

“Your room,” Prudence offered. “We figured you’d want a nap after the bludgeoning.”

He shook his head, still sounding a bit dazed. “No… this isn’t my room. My room is bigger. And it doesn’t rock and creak. Are we… are we on a ship?” He looked up at the others again, as though seeing them for the first time.

“... who the hell are all of you?”

There was an awkward silence.

“He’s messing about, right?” Egbert grinned nervously at the others.

“It’s Corazón,” Prudence said quickly, “of course he’s messing about. Just humor him, he’ll be on to something new when he’s tired of it.”

Dob was already on board at humor him. He pressed a hand to his forehead. “Oh, no! Corazón! All our precious memories, lost forever! Please say it isn’t so, old friend!”

If Corazón was acting, he was really leaning into the deadpan delivery. “Is this some sort of prank? It’s not a very good one, if…” His gaze wandered down to his hands resting on the bed sheet, his sleeves wrinkled back somewhat. His eyes went wide, and he made a sort of choking, stammering sound.

Then, again far more quickly than he probably should have, he threw himself out of bed, shoving past Egbert on the way to the largest of his mirrors. Carefully, he pulled his collar aside. And gasped.

“Oh, my God, I’ve been tattooed in my sleep!”

“Gosh,” Egbert said with an admiring smile, “he’s really devoting himself to the bit, isn’t he?”

Merilwen shook her head slightly. “I… don’t… know if it’s a bit.”

“Which one of you did this to me?!” Corazón pointed at the tentacle tattoo emerging from under his collar. “Why would you do that? Why… what happened to my hair!? How long have I been asleep!?” He grabbed the nearest person — Egbert — by the collar. “Are you trying to change my identity!? Am I going to be sold off to the highest bidder!? What’s your plan!? You have to tell me!”

Dob grabbed for his lute, a nervous grin plastered on his face. “Ooooh! Oh, dear! Looks like someone could use a nice lullaby.”

Merilwen held out a warning hand to Dob. “No? No. One second.” She waved a hand to Corazón, the way one might a skittish fox. “Hey, over here.”

“What!? What do you want now!?”

“Just. Okay. Calm down for a second. Calm…” Merilwen inhaled and exhaled slowly, guiding the breathing with her hands. Corazón, surprisingly did the same. That in itself was a sign that something was off.

“Okay, just keep your eyes on me, all right?”

“Sure.” Corazón’s voice was strained.

Merilwen rooted around in the pocket of one of Corazón’s jackets, folded neatly over a nearby chair. She found what she was looking for — a little leather pouch of gold coins — and poured the contents out into her hand. She showed them to Corazón, as though setting up a magic trick. He watched and nodded tensely, his jaw set.

“Dob,” she said with a sweet smile, opening the cabin window. “Would you do the honors?”

“Would I?” Without hesitation, he took the little handful of coins from Merilwen, slid over to the window, and chucked them out into the sea, one by one.

All eyes turned toward Corazón.

“Yes, and?” The nervousness was tinged with irritation. “What?”

Another awkward silence, this one longer. And awkwarder. As they all, in their own time, came to terms with the fact that Corazón was not, in fact, acting.

Prudence tapped him experimentally on the shoulder. He flinched away, balling his hands into fists and holding them in front of his face.

“Hey, hey, whoa! No, no, we’re your friends! It’s us!” Prudence smiled, gesturing around the room. “You know. The Oxventurers! Can’t you recognize us?”

Corazón lowered his fists. “If you mean could I pick you out of a lineup, then yes, I certainly could.”

“Corazón…”

“Hff… and stop calling me that! It’s weird!” He brushed off his sleeve where Prudence had tapped him. “If you’re my kidnappers, then I would hope you already know who I am.”

“Y-Yeah.... Sorry.” Prudence frowned, then smiled. “Percy?”

“Thank you. That’s more like it.” And Corazón made a break for the deck.

---

“All I’m saying,” said the half-orc with the large hammer and the very nice hair, “is that we could be having a cider-making contest in the town square right now.”

“Or burning things,” said the tiefling, as a pair of ancient tomes played around her heels like rowdy puppies. “We could also be burning things right now.”

If this was a kidnapping, it was a very civilized one. Percy hadn’t had any practical experience with being kidnapped, to be fair. His father had suggested that it might happen once or twice in his youth, because that was just how life was for the children of rich and influential people. But after making it to adulthood without ever waking up in a dingy cellar surrounded by leering mercenaries, he’d just put it to the side.

He’d also been a bit disappointed, as escaping from said mercenaries could have been fun. But in retrospect, he might not have done as well at that as he liked to pretend.

He wasn’t tied up, or locked up. At worst, he had been prevented from leaping off the ship by all four of his kidnappers (and a seal, he was still contending with that information) piling themselves on top of him. They’d bundled him back into the captain’s quarters while they consulted with each other. Percy took the time to shave — the itch from his stubble was frazzling his already-frazzled brain — and change into a shirt that still had functional buttons.

The change had gotten a slight stare of disbelief from his captors, as though he’d gone and swapped heads, but no actual comments were made. And now, the dragonborn was sitting by him on the deck and handing him a cup of tea, and it smelled suspiciously like what he drank at home, and yes, this was absolutely one of his teacups.

“So!” the dragonborn said with a toothy grin. “Cora-... er, Percival. Percy? Mr. Milquetoast? Sorry, not sure what to call you now.” He had a cup of his own, but rather than sipping from it, he opened his long snout and splashed the contents inside. Judging by the reaction that followed, the tea was still very hot.

“Just, er… whichever? I guess?” Why was he sitting on a ship drinking tea with his kidnappers while they asked what to call him? Why had his father not been mentioned yet? Was that still incoming? His teacup rattled against the saucer.

“Mmmm… Percy. I’ve always thought you looked like a Percy.”

“Always?” Percy put his teacup down shakily on its saucer. “Then you’ve been spying on me? For how long?”

“No!” The dragonborn waved a hand frantically in front of himself. “No, no, I mean… we’re not…” He looked behind him, where the other three were peering at the scene thoughtfully. “Um, guys, I’m not doing great. Someone else try.”

The elf stepped in and tapped him on the shoulder, as though relieving him from duty. Good. As far as Percy could tell, she was the most logical of the group. She wasn’t panicking… not that he could see, at least.

“So you’re Good Cop, then?” Percy eyed her warily.

“No…” The elf sighed, a sort of long-suffering sigh that made him feel like this was not the first long-suffering sigh she’d issued him. “We’re your friends, really. And we’re just trying to figure out how to help you.”

Percy narrowed his eyes. “My friends.”

“Yes.”

“Not magical kidnappers looking for a piece of the Milquetoast fortune.”

“No. Not magical kidnappers looking for a piece of the family fortune. I promise.”

“I mean, I have friends at home. I can just go home to my actual friends, and not whatever you guys are pretending to be.”

The elf’s face settled into an expression that somehow managed to be both neutral and confrontational, her lips pressed into a line. “Name four friends you have at home.”

Damn. “Uh, th-there’s, uh… there’s Steve… F-Friendsman.”

“Yeah.”

“There’s, a-um, Roger… M’buddy.”

The elf pressed a hand to her face. “Please, at least let us try to help you.”

She seemed absolutely genuine. It was making his head hurt. This was not how criminals acted. As far as he knew. “Fine, help me, or whatever it is you want to do.”

“All right, so…” The elf clasped her hands together. “It’s probably just a matter of jogging your memory. You got a little bop on the head, it shook things up, but we can help you connect things up again. Right?”

“Sure,” Percy said hesitantly, now with the added wrinkle of wondering when and how he’d been hit over the head. He considered asking, but he could already hear the answer. No, we didn’t hit you over the head intentionally. It was a love tap. Something like that.

The elf smiled. It didn’t seem like a kidnapper’s smile. But again, he had nothing to go on. Maybe kidnappers had really nice smiles. “Okay, good. So let’s just rattle out a few of the high points, and see what your brain latches onto.”

Percy nodded, taking a sip from the teacup he still held in a death grip.

“Okay. Spicy rat?” She paused, and he wasn’t sure what for. After a short silence, she picked up again. “No? Okay, that was a while ago, admittedly. Uh… baby-making watch?”

“Babies don’t come from watches,” Percy scoffed. “They come from under cabbage leaves.”

The elf ground to a halt in her questioning, but picked up again with a shake of the head. “What about the party? The one where you went dressed as a sexy nurse and made a teenage girl cry.”

Percy scowled. “I would never do that!”

The half-orc chuckled. “Oh, you very much did.”

“I will not allow you to paint me with the same brush as you, you… s-scoundrels!” Percy felt a chill down the back of his neck. “That’s what this is, isn’t it? You’re trying to convince me I’m one of you and whisk me away to do unspeakable crimes, is that it?”

“Hasn’t taken much trying so far, mate,” Merilwen grumbled.

“Waaaait wait wait wait.” The tiefling squeezed up next to the elf. “We’re coming at this from the wrong angle. He’s clearly forgotten stuff from before we met him, too, right? What we need to do is remind him of why he became a pirate.”

Percy looked around the ship. Then down at the clothes he’d woken up in. And the tattoo on his wrist. “I’m a pirate?”

“Yep, you are a pirate.”

“So… this really is my ship?”

“Er, our ship, yes.” The tiefling seemed to take a lot of pride in saying that. Well, being co-owner of a ship was something to be proud of… if it was true, he’d probably let himself feel a bit proud, too. “So, maybe if you can summon up the feelings that made you want to run away from home and be a pirate, the rest will follow. So, tell us about your dad.”

“He’s… dumb?” Percy shrugged. “He’s annoying? I don’t know, it’s a lot of effort to run away from him for being dumb and annoying. I’ve got nothing.”

The tiefling leaned in conspiratorially. “Nothing about what a bad dad he is? How he has ridiculous expectations of you? Doesn’t want you to have fun and live your own life?” She paused. “How he’s got a stupid wig and he’s all stuffy and bossy?”

Percy leaned away from her. “You seem to have plenty against him already.”

“Oh, no, no. I don’t hate him. You do.”

“No, it really does sound like it’s you.”

The tiefling laughed, waving a hand. “Oh, no, that’s just because he bothers you. It’s a support thing. I’d totally love to live in his big ol’ house.”

“So you’re telling me you don’t like my father, but you do like his money, and that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

The tiefling’s face twisted into a confused frown. “Oh, man. Yeah, we do kinda sound like we kidnapped you for ransom, don’t we?”

Percy flinched away, nearly dropping his teacup. Oddly, the tiefling was once again trying to reassure him. “Which we didn’t?? Which we didn’t. I’m just saying.” She sighed. “I guess he forgot whatever happened that made him want to run away, too. How about you, Egbert? Got any paladin magic for him?”

“I’ve got something better!”

All eyes, Percy’s included, turned to the dragonborn — who was now swinging a mace from one clawed hand.

“So, you know how in all the stories, right? Someone gets knocked on the head and gets amnesia, but then they get hit in the same spot and all their memories come back. Let’s just do that!”

The dragonborn strode over to Percy, winding up the mace. Percy stumbled backwards, his teacup falling and shattering on the deck. “Don’t you dare!”

“Egbert, not that mace!” the elf shouted.

“Oh, it’s fiiiine. I had to hit whatsisname loads of times before he actually turned into a seal.”

Percy looked at the seal. The seal looked back.

“Eg.”

The dragonborn raised his mace over his head. Percy stumbled backwards towards the door to the captain’s quarters, eyes locked on the cursed weapon. He reached behind him for the doorknob and twisted frantically. The door wouldn’t give way.

The elf flung herself at the dragonborn, turning into an octopus in midair. The two hit the deck, the mace rolling harmlessly across the deck as the octopus held the would-be attacker in place. Percy finally managed to yank the door open, racing into the captain’s quarters and slamming the door behind him.

“I meant a spell!” Percy heard the tiefling yell from the other side of the door. “You’ve got more healing spells, don’t you?”

“Oh, riiiight…”

There was a gentle tap at the door. Percy eyed it nervously.

“Heeey, buddy. You okay?” It was the half-orc. “Can I come in?”

“No, you absolutely cannot come in. You’re all insane and there’s a seal man out there saying egg.”

“That’s cool, that’s cool. I’ll just sit out here, how’s that?”

Percy heard a gentle thump against the other side of the door. “So… you really don’t remember anything, do you? About us, or your pirate crew, or any of that?”

“Last thing I remember is going to bed at Milquetoast Manor and thinking tomorrow night’s party was going to be very boring. Then I woke up in bed on a strange boat, with all of you standing over me looking ready to dissect me or something.” Percy sat down, leaning on the other side of the door. His head still felt foggy. “So? Which one of you blackjacked me?”

“You blackjacked yourself with a tree.”

Percy frowned. “Is that the sort of thing I’m likely to do?”

“Oh, yes,” the half-orc said cheerfully. “Merilwen had a stack of tree puns ready to go, but under the circumstances it seemed, uh… bit tasteless.”

“Merilwen?”

“The elf. Don’t worry, you can hear them later. You know, when your head’s right again.” A pause. “Oh! Haha. Of course. I’m Dob, by the way. The tiefling is Prudence, and the big dragon man is Egbert. And we’re all your friends, and we all do super cool things together.”

Percy nodded, still not completely convinced. Then he realized Dob wouldn’t be able to see him on the other side of the door. “If you say so.”

“Gosh. Introducing myself to you. That brings back memories.” Dob stopped himself, fumbling, as if he’d just said something extremely offensive. “I mean… you know…”

Against his better judgment, Percy got up and opened the door. Dob, leaning heavily on it, tumbled backwards… but turned the tumble into a backwards somersault and landed lightly on his feet. He gave a little bow, and Percy felt he ought to clap. Just considering the effort.

“You ready to come out and talk to the others?”

Percy leaned to one side and looked out onto the deck. Egbert was on his feet again, with Merilwen (now an elf) still clinging to his back, as though uncertain whether the dragonborn could be trusted on his own yet. Prudence wore a friendly smile that seemed to say “I’m not going to sacrifice you to my eldritch god, but I’m also not not going to sacrifice you to my eldritch god.” His trusted friends. Apparently.

Before Percy could answer, Dob slapped him on the back and walked him out onto the deck. “All right. We’ve all had a little breather, a little think, and I think… and this is just me… we should back-burner the memory loss issue and focus on the bigger problem.”

“There’s a bigger problem?” Percy looked at Dob incredulously.

The group at large winced. “Yeah…” Dob continued to speak for the group, and no one seemed to mind being relieved of that duty for the moment. “See, Percy. Percival. Friend. Our good friend of so long…”

“Just tell me what’s going to happen to me.”

“You have to duel someone tomorrow morning.”

Percy extracted himself from Dob’s friendly side-arm. “What? Why? Why would I do that?”

“Again,” said Dob, “if it makes you feel better, it is extremely on brand.”

“Hsfd… it doesn’t make me feel better! I have to fight someone tomorrow and I’m not me! I mean, I am me, but I’m not this other me who went and did a thing I didn’t do!”

Amongst them, Percy’s friends(?) laid out the entire situation. All he managed to retain were slimes, collapse of the natural world, very large man, and imminent swordfight. The rest was a sort of blur, and one he was in no mood to attempt to figure out.

“I can’t do this.” It was a statement of fact. “Maybe this Corazón guy can do this, but I can’t. Horgan’s going to be expecting some jerk pirate who can swordfight.”

“We can try another refresher,” suggested Merilwen.

Egbert reached for his mace. “I could try—-”

“No,” said everyone, possibly even the seal.

“Look,” Dob said gently, “we’ll have puh-lenty of time to work on the memory thing, right? All we have to do is get through tomorrow, and if it hasn’t cleared up by then, we’ll find someone to help you, no problem.”

“How can you be so sure?” Percy asked, the fretting feeling coming back even stronger than before.

Egbert shrugged. “It’ll happen. That’s how it tends to go. A problem comes up, and then a couple days later someone comes along with a quest that’ll fix it. It’s really handy.”

“Okay, that’s great for after tomorrow morning. But what about me, tomorrow morning, with swords? What’s my guarantee I get past that alive? Because I’ve never actually stabbed a man.”

“Yes you have,” Prudence pointed out.

“Like a lot,” Merilwen added.

“Apparently you kicked a man to death once,” said Egbert. “I mean, I found out later, but I believe it.”

“But I don’t remember that!” Percy flailed an arm helplessly. “It’s… hds… that’s some future guy and I’m not the future guy, I’m the me guy. How is the me guy going to survive?”

The group fell silent.

“... did I actually kick a man to death?”

They all nodded.

“Oh…”

“And see? That’s why we believe in you, Cor… er, Percy.” Dob threw an arm around Percy’s shoulders again. “We know what you’re capable of. We know it’s in here.” He jabbed at Percy’s chest with one finger. “And in here.” At his head.

“Ow!”

“The head, Dob,” Merilwen hissed, “watch the head.”

“Right, right. Look. We’ve got tonight to train you up into a believable Corazón de Ballena. You’ve already got the look, you’ve already got the voice. That’s more than most people start with.”

Percy let out a weak groan.

“Hey! No, this is good! We can do this! And maybe, somewhere along the way, something will trigger the ol’ bean and the memories will just come flooding back. Right, guys?”

The rest of the team seemed to believe it about as much as Percy did. Which wasn’t much.

“Are you sure we can’t just…” Percy motioned to the anchor rope. “Leave?”

“No,” Merilwen said firmly. But her expression was still hesitant. “No, we have to stop Horgan. More than anything else, that has to happen.”

She was insistent. This was important to her. Percy groaned again.

“Come on, buddy.” Dob lifted his arm from Percy’s shoulders, grabbing him by both arms and staring him in the eyes. “Look me in the eye.”

“Yeah. Looking.”

“Now. Are you a Thieves Cant, or a Thieves Can?”

Merilwen, at least, seemed to appreciate what Dob was going for.

---

Plan B no longer stood for Burning. Plan B, as indicated by a wild-shaped Merilwen taking up a spot behind the topiaries on Horgan’s lawn, now stood for Bear. And possibly Bomb, and Blast, and Bard Casts Thunder Wave, depending on who got trigger-happy first.

No amount of swordfighting or storytelling brought Corazón’s memory back. Nor did any amount of actually insisting on calling him Corazón. Their last ditch hope — that he’d wake up the next morning acting like nothing had happened — didn’t pan out, either. Dob gave pep talk after pep talk as Corazón fretted uncharacteristically, the latter eventually wrapping the uneaten bacon sandwich he’d made for himself in a piece of paper and stowing it in a jacket pocket. Finally, though, they’d all had to take up their positions and leave the rest to luck.

Corazón was left to make the walk up the lawn alone, but the other four had formed a perimeter: Merilwen in the topiary, Dob in a nearby tree, Prudence behind a fence, and Egbert peering over a hedge. Dob promised to shoot Corazón an occasional prompt if things got hairy; but, by and large, it was all him.

As the sun began to rise, Corazón walked up the paved path to the appointed spot. He’d not quite gotten his own swagger down, instead walking slow, measured steps with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

Try to look like you’re too cool for the room! Dob thought; Corazón looked up and around, surprised, then seemed to remember what Dob had said about sending mental messages. He stopped where he was, pulled his hands out of his pockets, squared his shoulders, and walked even more awkwardly up the path.

Fine. It’d have to do.

Just as the light of sunrise hit its best and most aesthetic hue, Alonzo Horgan and his servant walked out. The former wore a rapier at his belt.

“Corazón de Ballena,” Horgan said broadly, his voice dripping with fake friendliness. “Or are we going by something new today?”

“No, er, that’s me.”

Dob thought another swift message.

“I mean… that’s right! That’s me, Corazón. The mighty pirate. Here to run you through like a tasty kebab and grill… grill you on the fires of justice? What the hell does that mean?”

Just go with it, Dob thought irritably, but the moment had passed. Shame. He was rather proud of that one.

Horgan eyed Corazón with amusement. “I can wait if you need a moment.”

“No, no. Erm. Yes, that’s me.” Corazón’s hand hovered over the hilt of his rapier. He was tense. He was ready. He might have been about to faint. It was hard to tell.

Horgan’s retainer’s voice was soft. None of them could hear it from their respective points along the perimeter. Corazón didn’t look especially surprised by any of it, which hopefully meant there was nothing odd about the rules of the duel.

From their spots, separated though each of them was, they all had the same thought at the same time: what would it take? What hadn’t they done? Would they need a spell? Some sort of quest? A skilled healer? Would another bop on the head really have done it?

A shrill whistle blew. Each of them was shaken out of their thoughts to see that the duel had begun, and Corazón was already flagging quickly. It was less of a duel and more of a chase, the enormous Horgan lumbering across the lawn after his smaller opponent. Corazón, for his part, was holding his ground… though “his ground” was constantly moving backwards across the lawn in zigzags.

His heel came dangerously close to a stray root, nearly hidden by the grass.

“Look out!” Egbert shouted. Merilwen, Dob, and Prudence shushed him. Horgan looked up and around for the source of the voice. Corazón, on the other hand, missed the warning entirely. His heel caught on the root, and he windmilled backwards, landing flat on his back.

Merilwen hesitated behind the topiary, one huge, clawed paw creeping around the side of the greenery. Was it go time? The others were in the same state of indecision, poised to attack but waiting to see what happened.

Corazón lifted his head slightly. The massive form of Horgan hovering over him, blade raised threatening, blocked out the faint light of sunrise. The sword hung there for a moment… then was flung across the lawn, accompanied by a disgusted sigh from Horgan.

“How very disappointing.”

The group shot each other quick glances. The message was clear. Well, clear-ish. “Stop Horgan before he can leave” was clear enough, but what would be done with him once apprehended was likely still up in the air. Corazón, unaware of any of this, propped himself up on his elbows.

“Where are you going?” he asked weakly. “We’re not done here.”

“I rather think we are.” Horgan shook his head in… amusement? Disappointment? It was hard to tell. “What a shame. You were so full of piss and vinegar yesterday, and today you’ve got no real fight in you.”

“I’ve got fight… I’ve got plenty of… hhhh.” Corazón put a hand to his head.

“Serves me right, thinking I’d get a good fight out of some puffed-up fake pirate.”

“... what did you say?” Corazón’s voice was suddenly oddly sharp and cold.

Horgan chuckled. “You heard me. You’re less convincing than the chap I hired for my niece’s seventh birthday party.” He waved a hand to his servant. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve not had breakfast yet and I’m peckish. Think I might go to the kitchen and have a bit of a graze.”

On his next step, Horgan’s booted foot slid forward, sending him falling backwards into a puddle of grease that had absolutely not been there moments ago. Now it was his turn to look up at a looming silhouette: Corazón de Ballena, sword pointing down threateningly in one hand, bacon sandwich in the other.

“How appropriate. You fight like a cow.”

Horgan spluttered, eyes bulging. “You… what nonsense is this!?”

“It’s called the power of grease, that’s what nonsense this is. Now get up and fight me so we can have our little talk. Or would you rather we just go ahead and burn your whole scene down?”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Yeah, you’re right, I wouldn’t. I think Prudence might, though.” Corazón shouted toward the fence. “Prudence! Plan B for burn?”

Prudence threw her hands in the air. “Plan B for buuuurn!”

Horgan had managed to pull himself up to one knee, the grease still dangerously slick beneath him. “I said to come alone!”

“Yeah, well, pirate. Don’t know what you expected.” Corazón stepped back, taking a bite of his sandwich. “So, I’m calling this a win for Team Oxventure. Which means it’s time for some negotiations concerning your, er, current business model.”

“But…” Horgan looked in the direction of his servant. He was long gone. Whether he’d run off, or whether the large bear standing where he’d stood had disposed of him, Horgan couldn’t tell.

“Oh, yes. That’s our sustainability advisor, Merilwen. She’ll be taking over from here.”

Merilwen growled.

---

“So what you’re saying,” said Egbert, “is that my plan was the best and would have worked.”

“Hff… no! Absolutely not.” Corazón was rubbing a hand over his chin, displeased with the lack of facial hair. “A one-in-six chance of being turned into an animal is not a best plan. Why did you let me shave? I hate it.”

“It’ll grow back.” Prudence poured out a mug of slime beer… the last remaining barrel, which they’d taken with them as a gratuity after aggressively convincing Horgan to discontinue his fermented slime line. She offered the mug to Merilwen, who waved a hand in front of herself emphatically.

“No, I don’t want to drink the poor baby slimes…” The rest became too high-pitched and tearful to translate.

“I’ll drink the poor baby slimes.” Dob grabbed the mug and necked half of it, much to Merilwen’s chagrin. “Anyway, what snapped you out of it? Was it hitting your head again?”

Corazón wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Don’t know. I know I got really mad when whatsisname called me a fake pirate, and I wasn’t having that.”

Prudence’s eyes lit up. “Ohh, spite! Literally the one thing we didn’t think to try!”

“Well,” said Dob, passing Corazón his mended teacup topped off with beer, “I think we’ve all had a chance to learn something about friendship and patience and being true to ourselves.”

Egbert poured himself a pint. “I haven’t learned anything.”

“I have.”

Everyone looked at Corazón. “Have you?” Dob asked.

“Yep.” Corazón took a sip of beer from the teacup. “We are absolutely terrifying.”

Merilwen nodded sagely.

“Yeah,” Prudence said dreamily. “It’s good.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to my room, and I’m not coming out again until my good facial hair is back.” The door to the captain’s quarters slammed behind Corazón.

And that is the story of how the Oxventurers brought down a corrupt businessman with a breakfast sandwich.

#oxventure #outside xbox #i'm supposed to be writing other things but i won't tell if you won't #anyway yes i write stories a lot i do them for a living #please read them #i love approval from strangers

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murderturtles · 4 years

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WARNING: SPOILERS FOR BONE TO PICK. SCROLL REALLY FAST IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT OR BLOCK THE “OXVENTURE SPOILERS” TAG

“We have to get him back.”

Dob stated the very thing his nearly fifteen-minute rant had said in much less simple terms as his frantic pacing across the captain’s quarters of the Joyful Damnation slowed to a stop. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, finally turning to face his friends. Most of them, anyway. They stared back at him through large, worried eyes. Why the hell were they not saying anything? Weren’t they upset? Egbert was gone!

“Dob,” Merilwen began. Her voice seemed calm by design. “We’re all concerned, but what’s important right now is that we keep our heads.” She spoke slowly, as if to a child who was having a tantrum, which did little to placate him. “You won’t be much help if you’re so worked up. Have you been sleeping alright?”

“Don’t patronize me, Merilwen.” It came out as more of a snarl than Dob had intended, but she didn’t seem to notice. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, but, you’re not,” Corazón interjected. He took a bottle of rum out from beneath the table he and the rest of the group were seated at, and began to pour it into a glass. “We all want him back, mate, but Merilwen’s right. You need to relax.” He extended his arm and offered Dob the glass.

Dob hesitated. He briefly contemplated slapping the glass out of his friend’s outstretched arm. Instead he seized the drink and downed it in one. This stuff was strong, better suited to polishing boots than consumption, but it did the trick. Not enough to affect him much, but barely enough to quiet the buzzing around the edges of his frayed nerves. His skull felt less like someone had struck a tuning fork against it.

He surged forward and took the bottle from Corazón, who looked surprised. Dob refilled the glass and swiftly finished the second drink, thrusting the bottle back into Corazón’s hand. There we go. His head started to swim pleasantly as the alcohol hit him. He walked back to stand in front of the table, placed his hands down, and took a deep breath. “Okay.” He said. His voice sounded unsteady even to him. “What’s the plan?”

“Uh—there isn’t one.” Corazón said.

“Then make one.” Dob looked directly at Corazón with a dark, stormy expression. Each word grated against Dob’s teeth as he spat them out, and he doubted anyone missed the break in his voice. He let his head fall between his shoulders.

“Or at least let me at that bottle again.” Those words sounded reedy and fragile. Dammit. He wouldn’t cry. Not now. Not ever.

In truth, he was furious. He’d known better than to let his guard down. They’d been caught by surprise one too many times and this wasn’t any different. He was stupid to think the danger had gone with the maw demons. The image of Egbert being struck across the jaw and taken had replayed behind his eyelids on the whole trip in the hammer back to the ship. He and Corazón hadn’t touched the billiards table this time. Dob had simply bundled himself up in the pile of hammocks and listened to Seal Gaiman bleat miserably.

He didn’t quite understand why this had seemed to affect him so much more than the others. He just noticed this icy tightness behind his sternum ever since Egbert was taken. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but he definitely didn’t like it.

“Well, I already tried to identify the portal, and that came up empty,” Prudence said. “So I’m not sure what else we can do.”

Silence filled the chamber, save for the waves lapping up against the hull outside and the gentle creaking of wood.

“Anyone else?” Dob asked, tensely, wearily. He felt strangely small and exposed. He risked a glance up and saw that his friends still seemed concerned about him. About him. The realization pissed him off. He wasn’t the one in danger here. They had more important things to worry about.

Merilwen stood and walked over to beside where Dob was leaning against the table. She gingerly placed a hand on Dob’s shoulder.

“I know you’re worried, and so are we, but trust me when I say that you stressing yourself out half to death won’t solve anything.” Dob met her eyes and from her expression it looked like she knew more than she was letting on, perhaps even more than he did.

Why was he so upset, anyway? He’d lost a friend, he knew that much. But this sting was strange. It felt simultaneously much sharper and duller than any other pain he’d felt, and he knew with a slow turn of his gut that a part of him had already given up. The thought terrified him.

Merilwen’s voice snapped him out of his contemplation. “I think we should all get some rest and come at this tomorrow.” Her tone was soft, careful. She was tiptoeing around him again. He hated that.

“Tomorrow he could already be halfway across the fucking multiverse.” Dob said gravely, and he felt the tension in the room rise. Merilwen’s hand gripped his shoulder tighter, seemingly involuntarily, and he heard her gasp.

He rarely used harsh language, and certainly never anything this foul. He knew that none of them had heard him say anything close.

“Dob....” Merilwen began, but Dob brushed her off and was already walking away.

He turned to the others. “Guess I’ll get some sleep then.” He muttered. He didn’t wait for their reactions, simply strode out the door and let it close behind him. It didn’t close loud enough, he thought. He wanted it to slam. He wanted the sound to echo across the entire ocean, the entire continent. Even then, he doubted Egbert could’ve heard it.

All he got was a soft click.

Sleep didn’t come easily. It rarely did these days, and if he was honest with himself he hadn’t expected any different from tonight. No smell of smoke this time. Nobody snoring from the room beside him.

He felt hollower than he’d thought he would. Numb, and yet a dull ache. Every so often he’d suffer a pang of regret and wonder how the hell they were going to fix this. They’d gotten through some tough scrapes before, but this seemed so much more serious. He realized that Egbert had been a constant in his life since they’d met in The Bawdy Flamingo. It felt like forever ago now. They’d grown unbelievably close since then, and Dob had come to rely on Egbert fairly often.

Dob rolled over in bed and squeezed his eyes shut. Tomorrow they’d figure something out. Tomorrow they’d be one step closer to finding him.

Tomorrow he’d apologize to the rest of the group for losing his temper, and they’d work together to bring him back.

I’m coming for you, buddy.

#oxventure #dob the half orc bard #d&d #egbert the careless #dobbert #if you squint #merilwen the wood elf #prudence the tiefling #corazon de ballena #my writing #no proofreading we die like men #oxventure spoilers

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workingonit-currently · 4 years

Text

Dob was sick, really sick.

The not-cool kind of sick, the sweating, warm, fuzzy kind of sick.

He'd been sick for a while, the others just hadn't noticed.

Or maybe they had, Dob can't recall.

It doesn't matter now. They've noticed now and they're all talking. Dob should probably listening but he's not, he's thinking. He's looking at their faces and smiling.

"Dob? Dob!" Merilwen calls out and breaks Dob out of his haze, her worried eyes staring at him unblinking. Dob considers that he might look terrible, weird just smiling at them with an unblinking glazed expression.

"Uuuhhh...yes?" Dob questions and puts on a grin but he doesn't sound like himself, his voice is too throaty, too scratchy.

The Oxventurers cringe at this, this is not the voice of care-free Dob the bard. This is the voice of Dob the very ill half-orc.

"Dob...what have you done?" Prudence sighs as she takes his hand, a frown on her face as she looks at his hand. It's a comforting guesture and it's for both of their benefits, an anchor for both of them.

"N-nothing...I..I don't...think?" Dob answers and makes her huff, a smile returning at his unsure answer. In Prudence's eyes Dob never did know what he was doing until it was done, poetic if it wasn't soo stupid.

"Okay...well...ummm.....Y-You guys sleepy now?" Dob coughs but puts on a smile to reassure everyone he's okay, he thinks they should be sleepy, Cor and Merilwen look dreadful, they keep moving.

Dob yawns and keeps muttering about how late it is, the Oxventurers don't tell him it's the middle of the morning or that he's been in and out of consiousness for a while now, they just nod and agree, shuffling out of the room but leaving Merilwen in there to keep an eye on the stupid half-orc.

As the remaining Oxventurers close the door to Dob's room they meet each others eyes, a solem look extanged.

It's Prudence who gathers the strength to speak first.

"Dob's getting worse." Prudence states as Egbert nods and sits on the floor of the ship. Corazón watches him with keen eyes, usually he would be shouting at the dragonborn for sitting in a weird place but he's too tired now, the ringing in his head confirms that.

"Well, what can we do? Not like healing hands or any spells worked..." Corazón muses to Prudence, the one he's got along with most from the start. He dips his head, looking at the floor of his ship, their ship...

Egbert grits his teeth as he remembers the last time Dob blacked out and they tried any and all spells, he and Prudence even prayed to their gods. Nothing happened, infact Dob woke himself up coughing and Egbert thought it was all his fault.

"I-I would suggest trying to find out what's actually happening but I don't have any way of doing that...unless..." Prudence states and tucks her hair behind her ears absently, trying to keep a clear mind and a narrow focus so she doesn't have to deal with her thoughts. Prudence has always been dictated by power and logic, if Dob's been suffering like this for a while and he's already blacking out it could mean-

"Pru, whatever you need we'll get it. If it saves Dob I will give you my heart." Egbert speaks up and approaches the tiefling, squaring his shoulders and huffing out smoke. Egbert will do anything, including damning himself to hell, for his friends.

Corazón thinks Egbert's words are a little strange but doesn't question it, they're all tired and stressed right now so can't be expected to think clearly all the time.

"I...umm..are you sure?" Prudence starts but backtracks, placing a hand on Egberts shoulder as she offers a soft look. Most would think Prudence couldn't look soft but it's amazing what you find out when you become her friend.

"Yes." Egbert responds, nodding slowly as Corazón laughs slightly beside him and smiles.

"Team insanity it it then." Corazón laughs as he nods his head and fixes his hat, grimicing as coughing is heared, he knows this plan is a long shot and what they're willing to do is insane but he wouldn't have gone along with these idiots if he wasn't a little insane, "I'll do the same, anything you need Pru, human blood, cursed coins, all the rum on the ship, name it and I'll get it. I'd curse myself tenfold to cure Dob."

Prudence dips her head in respect before they start planning, Merilwen and Dob not knowing of this inside Dob's room.

Just as Corazón, Egbert and Prudence left Dob himself to keep awake.

"M-Mer?" Dob coughs again and roughly swallows, his throat feeling on fire as a comforting hand takes his.

"Yes Dob?" Merilwen answers, her voice quiet and soft but Dob can still hear how close to breaking it is.

"Mer, if...Mer, if I don't..you know...you know-" Dob starts but can't find the energy or breath to finish, it's a little too much, too similar to something he's already experienced.

"Dob, come on, don't-don't you dare say that. We'll be fine, the spells didn't work but...we'll be fine." She muses, squeezing Dob's hand, Merilwen doesn't care that it might be covered in his cough germs. Dob is unsure if she's saying that to herself or him but he stays silent and lets her continue, he has to understand why this feels so familiar.

"Listen, Dob..you're strong, you can survive this. We can survive this because...well...uhh..if you-We don't then..I mean..." Merilwen starts but trails off, her voice cracking at the end as Dob smiles and can't help but laugh slightly. It's a broken, airy and chest laugh but it's still a laugh that makes Merilwen smile for a little bit before Dob starts coughing again, aggressively.

Merilwen grabs the drink placed at the side of Dob's bed by Corazón but Dob pushes it away, he feels...the water's bad.

"Mer-" Dob starts, his voice is more horse, like he's choaking on his own words but Merilwen cuts him off, hugging him around the neck and suprising him.

"This can't be the end Dob, we've been through so much and there's still so much to do! I-I...I'll miss you Dob..." Merilwen cries into Dob's shoulder as he places a warm hand on her back, neither cares that they're both crying or that they both smell terrible, as long as they're together and close.

"I will to Mer...now go sleep. I'll be better in the morning, don't worry." Dob smiles as Merilwen sits back up, wiping her tears slightly but they're still falling just like his. Merilwen almost argues against Dob when Prudence calls her name.

Merilwen fake-glares at Dob who puts on his best smug grin before she leaves the room causiously. His smile soon drops. Dob knows why this feels so familiar. Dob knows he won't be better, he never will be.

"Ah...the consequences....they're....hhhh..." Dob muses bedore drifting off, he's been fighting off the slowly fuzzy darkness creeping in but with no reason to fight anymore and no tether to the real world now Dob drifts off.

..........................

Sooner than Prudence expected Merilwen came out with the vials full of Dob's blood and his saliva.

Merilwen comments on how weird ot was and how weird Dob was acting, still ill but angry, scared and stressed.

"I mean it was hard to even get a saliva sample as he just refused to drink, I had to hold him down..."

Prudence then set to work in her new lab, all equipment gathered by Egbert and Corazón. Prudence doesn't want to ask where they got half the stuff from...

The others wait outside, Prudence aggressively insisting she not be disturbed. So, to Prudence, it's not a suprise when she opens the door she finds them all looking expectantly at her.

Corazón looks at her face and immediately sees through her, his heart is going crazy and there's a chill running through him. Something is wrong. Maybe it's him being a pirate, able to read omens but he knows something is wrong as soon as Prudence steps out of her lab.

So he's the first to cry as Prudence starts speaking, grabbing onto Egberts arm as a lifeline.

"What's the verdict Doc?" Egbert asks and tries to lighten the mood like they usually do but gulps as Prudence looks at him. She looks in a worse state than him, her skin dark and her hair greasy, Prudence looks less like an evil warlock and more like an unhinged hermit, Egbert supposes her adopted father would be proud.

"It's hydrophobia." Prudence mutters, Merilwen is unsure if it's her, Prudence's hair or fate that shadows the tiefling's face as she says this.

Corazón knows what that means, he's had an expensive education and been a pirate long enough. He shakes his head while pressing himself into Egberts side.

"What does...what does that mean?" Merilwen ask the warlock who shakes her head before taking a deep breath.

"Umm...Dob..Dob has...Dob has rabies...again.." Prudence finally states and Merilwen runs to her, hugging her tightly as they all take in this news.

..........................

"Hey Cor, Pru, you guys okay?" Dob asks as they enter his room, Dob's eyes are bearly open and he looks thin.

"Yeah.." Corazón reassures him, smiling that Dob is still worried about everyone else despite the situation he's in.

"Listen...Dob..ummm..." Prudence starts as she sits on the side of his bed, Dob shuffeling his legs to one side so she can properly sit as Corazón takes the seat next to his bed.

"You...well you're really ill and...what's making you ill is..-" Corazón continues as he sees Prudence look at him, pleading for assistance.

"Rabies. Yeah, I know." Dob laughs and satrts coughing again, smiling despite the pain as they both look comically suprised.

"W-What!?" Prudence shouts at Dob, glaring at him as Corazón hands the ill half-orc a glass of water.

Corazón gets a face full of water and a hand of glass as Dob almost immediately smashes the water in a panic, fear deep-rooted inside him. He apologises before coughing again.

"Suprise!" Dob teases as he smiles before coughing again, wiping his mouth as Corazón takes a cloth and bounds his hand, he'll get the glass out some time later but for now he's spending time with Dob.

Dob knows he should have told the others. Maybe Dob should have recognised the signs before it had got to this stage but what can he do now. Except tell them something.

"Prudence, Corazon, I-I.." Dob starts but is cut off by coughing again, making his frantically try and sit up, Prudence helping him before it stops, "I...I love you guys."

Prudence and Corazón look at each other, realising what this means, what Dob's trying to say, what's happening.

"We..we love you to Dob." Corazón calls back at the half-orc placing a hand on his shoulder.

Dob brings them both into a hug, both tense but secretly unable to resist hugging their friend one last time.

"It's that bad aye?" Prudence comments as they pull away from the hug, tears in her eyes.

Dob nods and smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes, it's not his usual smile, it's not Dob.

"I suppose we should say something poetic..." Prudence then muses and makes Corazón laugh slightly, running a hand through his hair as he dramatically gets up to make a speech, Prudence laughing with Dob as they both object.

"Rest well my friend, may your mind sail the waves of oblivion and your heart guide you. We will meet again and when we do nothing shall stop us for you are the greatest crewmate I could have wished for, you are the greatest friend I've ever had. Our voyage has been too short but all journeys must end and all songs must come to silence, for that is what makes them worthwhile. Your song is a marvel of laughter and poetry, it shall be written in the starts and in each of our hearts so we carry you with us always. Loss is what paves the road to the future but your loss shall be the hardest to bare my friend."

"You're an idiot." Prudence huffs as she sobs, hiding her head in her hands in mock disgrace and embarassment.

Dob smiles. This is what he should remember, this band of idiots and disgraces to the world, Dob should be proud of the upper-class pirate who can't pirate, the warlock that cares about her friends and has the heart of an innocent, the dragonborn paladin who likes bombs and fails at attonement, the druid pacifist who has killed more than anyone and the half-orc bard who's a deus ex machina.

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bear-down-protocol · 5 years

Text

Pecklash

Oxventure fic, posted in honor of Xtra’s third birthday! Note; This was written quite a while ago (July 2018, to be exact), so at this point I hadn't seen anything past An Orcward Encounter. As evidenced by the fact that Corazón doesn't cast Grease even once in this. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy! @outsidexboxofficial @outsidextra It was a warm summer's day, a gentle breeze brushing through the grass and trees and providing relief from the sun's rays shining down upon the earth insistently. Birds were chirping, their lively tunes the finishing touch to a serene and peaceful environment.

That is, until our heroes arrived to the scene, their purposeful strides chasing off the wildlife and their voices drowning out the rustling of the leaves.

"-let's take a break here."

"We've barely begun this quest," Dob protests, but his eyes are tracking the sandwich in Egbert’s hand closely, "I mean, we've only been walking for like 10 minutes since accepting-" the rest of the words were indecipherable through his chewing as he settled down onto the grass, stretching out comfortably.

The others follow suit, all of them either too enchanted by the nature surrounding them (Merilwen) or too excited about the prospect of food (everyone else) to care much about their quest at the moment.

"It’s fiiine. The dragon will still be there when we arrive," Prudence dismisses confidently, "I mean, the town probably won't be... but they're paying us to defeat the dragon, not to protect the people and their property. Loophole!"

That matter settled - dubiously, but settled nonetheless - they enjoy a quiet afternoon together.

Wait, no. That was some other group.

Of course they didn't.

They had barely begun to dig into their lunches when they were disturbed by a familiar sound; the clucking of a chicken.

Merilwen turned to glare holes into Corazón, her hair swiveling around with the motion. One of her braids hit her cheek with the momentum, wholly undermining the dramatic flair of it all. "Don't even think about it."

Corazón seemed unconcerned about both Merilwen's ire and the increasingly loud clucking, looking up from his food just long enough to raise his brows.

"What? It's not like I go out of my way to assault chickens. It was pestering me! Besides, it wasn't even really a chicken, remember?"

"So... you kicked a man across the room for annoying you?" Dob asked.

"Huh. Yeah. That's... not really any better, is it?"

A burst of flame shot out over Egbert’s cheese sandwich - marking him the proud inventor of grilled cheese - as he joined the conversation with a, “wait, you did what?” Prudence got involved now as well. "No, no, that's way better, I approve."

Dob took one look at her wide grin and sparking hands and scooted over to Merilwen, then past her when she muttered "Now you think about the dangers of being within range."

"Point is,” Corazón interjected, “I'm not kicking chickens for the hell of it."

"Good." Merilwen said, tense posture dropping. That would've been the end of it, but - "You better not."

Corazón put down his food, slow but deliberate.

"Oooh," Prudence said, tail sweeping from side to side as she looked on in delight at the sudden tension.

Eyes locked onto Merilwen the entire time, Corazón stood up and walked over to the foliage, following the noise of the chicken. "No one tells Corazón de Le- de Ballena what to do." "Except his dad," Egbert snickered, single-handedly destroying any chance of Corazón backing down.

His leg pulled back and -- his foot found its target.

The chicken hopped around in affront, and a smug grin curled the edges of Corazón’s lips.

Merilwen stood up. The wind picked up, blowing her hair back as if she commended the forces of nature to make it so. Her downturned lips accentuated the scar on her cheek, a stark reminder that for all her usual cheer, she had shed blood on battlefields - her own and that of enemies alike.

But before she could make a move - and before Corazón could even utter the words 'oh shit I fucked up' - a strange sound caught all their attention. Clucking, loud and chaotic as a flock of chickens descended upon Corazón, their beady eyes aimed at him and him alone.

"I've heard of this," Dob said in hushed excitement, "in the legendary folktale of Zelda."

His grin froze on his face when he got over his awe for long enough to realize the implications of his statement. "Corazón, look out!"

But it was too late. In mere seconds, Corazón was no longer visible, buried under dozens of angry, vengeful chickens. "What- guys! Help! Ow- no, bad chickens- ow, ouch!"

Without looking, Dob put his hand on Egbert's arm - previously lifting slowly as Egbert considered the bom in his hand, eyes already sparkling at the idea of lobbing it into chaos - and pushed it back down. Between the chickens and Merilwen, Dob wasn't sure who's wrath he wanted to avoid more.

"Woah! Those are some badass chickens." Prudence commented as she circled the fray - perhaps trying to find a strategic entry point to help, perhaps just enjoying the spectacle.

"Guys! This is seriously hurting me!"

The real panic in his voice stirred Merilwen into movement. "I'm mad at him too, believe me, I am-" She said, making eye contact with one of the chickens, "but- he's learned his lesson. He's sorry. Right, Corazón?"

"Right! I am, I'm sorry! I will never kick an animal again! Unless they're being really annoy- ow! No, okay, I won't! I promise!"

One of the chickens - the one Corazón kicked, going by its slight awkward hopping as it approached Merilwen - seized her up. She had not yet started the ritual to talk with animals, but it seemed to understand her nonetheless.

"I'll make sure he won't do it again." She promised.

And just like that, the attack ceased. The chickens dispersed to reveal a disheveled Corazón who looked like he wasn't entirely certain about what the hell just happened.

Without needing to be asked, Dob strummed his lute in preparation of his healing spell.

"Thank you. " Corazón groaned. Then, as Dob's lute glowed blue, "wait, why are you healing the chicken first?!"

"You started it, and I'm kind of scared of the chickens... and of Merilwen right now."

"Yeah that's... that's fair." Corazón admitted, glancing down at his reddened arms with a wince.

Fortunately for him, it didn’t take long for Dob to work his magic, the gentle hum of a song flowing through him until the pain ebbed away.

The chickens didn’t stay around to witness it, their wings fluttering in the wind as Corazón’s injuries faded into nothingness.

And so our 'heroes' continue on their journey, heading off into the horizon, their voices - "why can't we ever have a normal picnic?!"- quieting with every step until the last wisps are carried off by the wind.

#Egbert the careless #Prudence the warlock #Corazon de leon #Corazon de ballena #Merilwen #my fic #oxventure

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dobsmoneylake · 3 years

Note

Oxventurers touch an orb and **poof** they're in Elinore's Largely Legal Antiques staring at a surprised crew. What do?

AN: Thank you so much for the prompt! I am so sorry that this took so long, and I hope that it is worth the wait! Thanks to the Historian for beta-ing this. I own nothing.

The atmosphere at Eleanor’s Largely Legal Antiques was the same as it always was these days. It had lost some of its homey nature (as well as the smell of fish) since they had moved into the townhouse, but it retained the level of comfort that the crew had come to associate with their favorite HQ. It had also gained some level of repute, considering that it now functioned as a store-- helped, no doubt, by the removal of the fish smell.

In fact, Edvard, Lilith, and Zillah were currently in said shop, attempting to sell antiques. (Well, Zillah and Lilith were, Edvard was attempting to subtly determine if there was anything that could be of use in his innoventing before it was sold.) It was while they were there, standing behind the counter, that a sudden flash of light went off, starting our adventure.

When the light dimmed, they found that they were joined by a group of rather unusual people. For one thing, they were all dressed in clothes not seen in centuries. For another, they were arguing amongst themselves. Finally, one of them was red and the other was green. And one was Egbert.

The three crew members exchanged glances, debating with their eyes who would take the lead in the conversation. Finally, rolling her eyes, Zillah stepped forward. “Excuse me,” she said politely, “But who are you and how did you get here?”

The figure with the eyepatch scoffed. “What do you mean how did we get here? It’s not like ‘here’ is a particularly daring place to be. And how dare you not recognize the greatest pirate ever!” He struck a pose. “It is I, Corazón De Balleña, at your service,” he ended on a bow.

“Never heard of you, mate.” Lilith told him, “And I hate to break it to you, but we don’t have pirates anymore.”

Corazón scoffed. “That’s obviously because I’ve scared them all off. Honestly, use your head.” He looked around the shop. “So, where is ‘here’?”

“You’re in Volisport,” Zillah told him.

“Never heard of it,” he said dismissively. “Right, well we’ll just teleport ourselves out of your hair.”

The three crew members exchanged concerned looks. “What do you mean, you’ll teleport?” Edvard demanded. “Magic doesn’t exist.”

Corazón snorted, flicking his hand. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, mumbling the incantation for dancing lights.

Nothing happened.

Corazón narrowed his eyes and tried it again with the same result.

“I’m sorry,” Zillah said, “But is something supposed to be happening?”

At the same time, Prudence started laughing. “You’re right,” she said, “It is funny when it isn’t happening to you.”

“I told you,” Edvard said, “There’s no such thing as magic.”

Corazón took a deep breath before turning to the half-orc who was trying to hide behind an elf. “Dob,” he said calmly, “I’m going to kill you.”

*********

When Kas walked in a few minutes later, utter pandemonium had enveloped the shop. Corazón was chasing Dob around Merilwen, yelling about ‘not touching strange orbs, we’ve had this conversation before!’ Meanwhile, Lilith had struck up a conversation with Prudence about demon heritage, and Egbert was not-so-subtly leaving pamphlets for the crew to read.

Kas sighed and rubbed his eyes. At least his majesty wasn’t here. “What seems to be going on?” He asked, causing everyone in the room to freeze (this was especially impressive because he hadn’t even needed to raise his voice).

“Um, sorry,” Merilwen said from where she was sandwiched between Corazón (who was in the process of attempting to strangle Dob) and Dob (who had decided to cling to her back to avoid being strangled). “Oxventurers, can we have a huddle?”

The two groups exchanged glances before in one movement, the Oxventurers moved into a group circle. Speaking at normal volumes but still somehow going unheard, they conversed.

“What is going on? Who are these people?” Merilwen asked.

“Whoever they are, they are clearly not as cool and awesome as us,” Corazón replied, “I think we can take them.”

“We don’t even know if we need to take them,” Merilwen replied.

“Yeah! That one with the snake hair seemed nice,” Prudence said. At their blank stares, she rolled her eyes. “Besides, Corazón, can you even take them without your magic?”

“I don’t need magic to overthrow every enemy I face,” He declared, “Plus, you don’t have yours either!”

Prudence smiled, a sight that sent chills down the backs of more than one member of each group. “Yes, but I do have my rage.”

“Why do we have to fight them?” Egbert asked. “Can’t we just see if they can help us?”

“Do they look like they know how to help us? This is a job only we can solve!” Corazón declared.

“It can’t hurt to ask them,” Dob said.

“Shut up, Dob, this is all your fault!”

“Hey! That seems uncalled for.”

“No, Corazón is right,” Merilwen said, “You’re the one who touched the orb.”

“I told you, the orb wanted me to touch it,” Dob replied.

“Yeah, but now we’re here, Dob,” Egbert said, “And here isn’t the place I want to be.”

“I think we should ask them for help,” Prudence broke up the rekindling argument. “And since I have my rage and you don’t have your magic, I think you should listen to me.”

The rest of the group made eye contact and had a quick nonverbal conversation that resulted in Merilwen stepping forward. “Look, we’re sorry about this,” She said, “But my friend here touched a glowing orb that just screamed ‘do not touch’ and then we were teleported here. And now we just want to go home.”

The crew was silent as they looked at each other.

The awkward silent standoff ended as the door opened and Barnaby walked in. Upon seeing their guests, he did a double take before looking down at the open bottle of bourbon in his hand. “I say chaps,” he said, “I can usually hold my drink, but this stuff might be stronger than I thought.”

Brightening up, Egbert stepped forward. “I know someone who can help with that-- here, take a pamphlet.”

Luckily, they were interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the door.

A few moments later, everyone turned to look at Barnaby, who was standing right next to the door. “Aren’t you going to get that?” Edvard asked.

Barnaby scoffed. “I may have drank enough to hallucinate people in the shop, but I know enough to remember that I don’t open doors.”

“Absolutely ridiculous,” Edvard muttered not-quite-under his breath, opening the door.

Unlike the hammer and vase set up that usually introduced a job for them, there was only a plain box. Upon opening the box, they found that it contained only a black orb-- a black orb that seemed very familiar to the Oxventurers. Along with the box came a note. “Instead of making you work for this one, I figured it would be best if we just got your friends out of here before any unsavory people noticed.”

“Does this seem too easy to anyone else?” Lilith piped up, “A complication has to come from this.”

“Nah, this seems about normal,” Dob said, “Something happens, we argue, a solution comes, everyone goes home nice and safe.” He paused for a second. “Why, does it not happen that way for you?”

“No, usually we try something, then something else goes wrong, then we solve that, then something else happens, then Zillah chokes someone out,” Lilith responded.

“Sometimes with her thighs,” Edvard added admiringly.

“Hey! I told you I’m working on finding a different panic response!” Zillah argued.

“Choking people out with your thighs? Can you teach me how to do that?” Prudence asked.

The other Oxventurers exchanged a concerned glance. “Ok, well it was lovely to meet you guys, goodbye,” Corazón said, quickly touching the orb.

The group disappeared with a flash of light and appeared in their own world where they had left it, with Dob just about to touch the orb.

“Dob, do not touch that,” Merilwen said.

“Oh I see how it is. I touch an orb and it’s all ‘Dob you idiot’, Corazón touches an orb and it’s all ‘well that’s fine!’” Dob threw his hands up in the air and walked off before he could realize that the orb was still glowing.

The rest of them looked at each other. “Motion that we never speak of this again?” Egbert asked.

The others agreed and walked off to join their chaotic bard.

*********

Back in the shop, the others looked at each other suspiciously. “That seemed too easy, didn’t it?” Kas asked, looking at the orb.

Miles away in the Dimmer Mansion, Kelly watched as the long dormant magical artifacts started emitting light hums. “It appears our plan has worked,” she said to Allie and Hallie. “Tell the members around the world to come home-- the Orbpacalypse has begun.”

#oxventure #oxventure in the dark #edvard #zillah #lilith #corazon #dob #merilwen #kas #barnaby #prudence #egbert #this was both difficult and fun to write!#there were a lot of characters #so it was hard to get them to all talk the right way #thank you for the prompt!#ask #prompt #i wrote this

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a-casual-egg · 4 years

Text

Incorrect Oxventure/Breakquest Club Quotes Number 7

Prudence: Egbert, you can be really destructive-

Egbert: I can?!!

Merilwen: She wasn’t giving you permission!!!

Egbert: Too late! I already broke something

-------------------

Merilwen, to Dob: We don’t use bad words in this house.

Corazon: Oh fuck we don’t?

------------------

Dob and Egbert: *kick the door open while looking panicked*

Merilwen: What did you two do?!

Dob: Nobody died

Merilwen: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT-

------------------

Prudence already picking up Merilwen's water bottle: can i have some of your water?

Merilwen: What’s the magic word?

Prudence: I’m thirsty. [starts drinking Merilwen's water]

---------------

Prudence: Hey Merilwen, lookin good.

Merilwen *thinking*: Oh god, she just complimented me. What do I do? Do I say you too? No, that’s desperate. You’re not too bad yourself? No, too harsh. Think fast, Merilwen, think fast!

Merilwen: Merry Christmas!

---------------

Prudence: Is he crying? Is he crying?

Egbert: A little.

Prudence, snatching the phone from Egbert:You should be WAILING, you stone-cold bitch!

Merilwen, walking in: What the hell is happening?

Egbert: Prudence is making me call her friends and tell them she’s dead to see how they react.

Prudence: Now call Morrigan

---------------

Egbert, jokingly: And remember, you’re not allowed to fall in love with me.

Dob: Haha, that won’t be a problem.

Dob, later: THERE IS A PROBLEM

----------------

Dob: If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Egbert: dude… you’re so smart.

Prudence staring at the ceiling so done with their bullshit

---------------

Dob: If the Moon is made of cheese and Saturn is six, how many pancakes could you eat on mars?

Egbert: Yellow.

Dob: The correct answer is packing peanuts.

Egbert: Oh I see, because you carry the two and-

Corazon: What is wrong with you people

----------------

Egbert: guess who just ate some apple flavoured shampoo?

Egbert: wait- fuck it’s apple-scented

Egbert: aw shit yeah it’s also apple flavoured

The Oxventure Group Chat:

Egbert:

Egbert : I just threw up

————————-

Prudence : Can I ask how you got that scar?

Dob: Sure.

Prudence : How did you get that scar?

Dob: None of your business.

—————————

Egbert: Prudence has strong opinions on everything. Go ahead, ask her opinion on something she reasonably should not have an opinion on.

Dob: Hey Pru, what’s the worst multiple of four?

Prudence with no hesitation: 12. Obviously.

—————————

Egbert: So if I run into that wall

Egbert : Headfirst

Egbert : Full strength

Egbert: and I DON’T break my skull

Egbert: I get three hundred bucks?

Corazon: Basically yeah

Egbert: Seems legit

Dob: HEY NO-

———————-

Egbert: I am strong and I will punch the sun.

Merilwen: Uh, yeah, pretty sure that’s not possible… so, uhh..

Egbert: I will punch it

Dob: Look, Eg. If you try to punch the sun, your fist is just gonna get burned up. Not really sure what you’re expecting here.

Egbert: I’m gonna punch It. Real hard.

#Oxventure #Prudence #Corazon #Merilwen #Dob #Egbert

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workingonit-currently · 4 years

Text

Oxventure University/School AU

Because it’s part 2. Do watch out for a little gayness, you might catch it! Oh no!

When Percy had shouted that she threw rocks at him from her window he had not accepted the fact that maybe it could have set of a chain reaction that resulted in everyone airing out their dirty laundry at each other.

So far Dob had shouted in agreement with the rock statement, hitting the delicate fancy-boy in the arm and making him grimace. Why did he have to sit next to him, surely everyone should know he hates people by now...maybe he should try and burn down a building. Seemed to work for Pru.

Talking of Pru she had then argued that she never HIT them. Merilwen then said that it was still unacceptable to which Egbert, with his meek voice muttered that she's one to talk.

"What do you mean?" Percival had decided to ask, from all he knew, which wasn't much since he hated paying attention to people, the gardening spirit had always been kind and maybe a little quiet but nowhere near as bad as Pru.

"I-I...ummm..I just mean she made a dude transfer to a 'special needs' school...right?" Egbert had then muttered out, visibly shuffling in his chair. Percival had known he was weird but not this weird. Despite this though he wasn't...bothered by Egberts habits, he found them quiet...cute.

"In my defence he kicked a mouse." Merilwen casually explains as if that makes it justifiable and Percival is horrified to see Dob nod in agreement. What kind of weird people is he stuck here with!?

Rolling his eyes and sighing, avoiding the sting he feels when he does so Percival watches the carnage go down. Rubbing the bridge of his noise he tries to reduce the migraine pounding against his head but it does nothing.

Apparently as he had been trying to wake himself up and rolling his eyes Dob had taken to squaring up to Prudence, Prudence had taken to poking Egbert about his past and Merilwen has taken to staring at Percival.

"What?" Percival snaps at the meek looking girl staring at him, giving her his best glare. For all he knew she was just asking him if he had a pencil or something but he couldn't take that risk, could get close.

"You are Percival M-" Merilwen starts and is quickly silenced by him snapping a quick 'yes' but she continues, "Aren't you the boy who drove over my prise poppies at the start of the year?"

Percival narrows his eyes and mutters a small, 'How do you remember that?' But nods.

He now knows that is NOT what he should have done. He should have denied it because now the short girl has him in a headlock, she is surprisingly strong for her smaller size.

Percival makes noises in pain as his head threatens to twist off before the door to the room swings open and he forces himself to be quiet.

He cannot be caught like this! Percival shakes with the thought of what his father would do if he heard that he had been caught in a headlock with the other children fighting.

“...okay...I'm just going to...If you promise not to hurt me I won't say a single thing about this." A confused voice calls from the doorway and Percival assumes Prudence nods as he sees a slightly blurry red blob move slightly from her position holding a golden blob under a brown blob. Percival doesn't recognise the voice; he considers maybe it is the new teacher that he hadn't met yet...

Percival slowly hears the door close and click shut as he wonders if he might need glasses. He then feels cool freshness return to his throat as he is released from Merilwen's grasp.

"Come on Mer, he's pale enough already. I thought you were going to kill him." Dob mutters to Merilwen who glares at the fancy boy but backs off further at Dob's request. Percival has to wonder if Dob was the one who stopped Merilwen's headlock.

In silence they resume their seats, Dob deciding again to sit next to Percival and making him uncomfortable.

"So what's the deal with you fancy-pants?" Prudence addresses Percival who huffs. He had a name; he doesn't like to use it but fancy-pants is no better.

"Nothing." Percival answers swiftly with a glare at Pru, he always though they'd got on but now he knew he was wrong. She turned on him just like he thought she would.

"Oh come on Percy! You wear that blazer constantly, even in summer, you only take academic higher classes, you barely speak and you're deathly pale." Dob lists and makes Percival wince at the name.

"Don't call me Percy." He grunts and death-glares the taller boy, giving his best vibe of 'I will punch you. I will also tackle you to the ground'

"Okay, okay. But please can we learn a little about you?" Prudence softly asks and heads turn to her, surprised at her soft tone. Maybe she's trying to trick them into false security.

Percival looks at the people in this room, no one would believe he actually likes these people, never mind told them anything about himself. No one would believe the wasted jock, the garden girl, the occult goth or the clumsy golden-boy...

"You already know about me."

"No. We know you're the son of..." Merilwen starts but cuts herself off, knowing he doesn't want to talk about it, "We know your name but we don't know you."

Percy rolls his eyes and shuffles as he realises Dobs arms are wrapped around his shoulders. This all sounds and looks like a terrible 70's movie. Plus it's almost time for them to go.

"Fine." Percival gives in and addresses Prudence, "What do you want to know?"

"What's with the hair Perc?" Prudence asks and the rest nod, Percival sneering but sighing as he agreed to this.

"Nothing "

"Oh, come on, you agreed to answer us. Now spill the beans on why you hate your hair." Merilwen stares with a smile, Percival's sneer dropping as she sees straight through him. It's not THAT obvious is it?

"I don't." Percival tries to deny it again, it's not like they would understand or not use it to tease him. He knows he's just a snob and that's how everyone sees him.

"Percival, you fiddle with it constantly, you freak out whenever it gets out of place though smile when it gets messed up after sports and you constantly have a hairbrush on you." Prudence notes and smiles at Percival giving her a small smile back, she knew he was not all snappy under his defences, "Either you have a problem that we need to address right now or you hate your hair."

Percival grunts but doesn't deny that Prudence has got him, he does hate his hair.

"Okay. Fine." He sneers and takes a breath in, "I do..dislike-Not hate!-my hair. It's always to one side, it frames my stupid face, it draws attention, it's a weird colour, it has to constantly be neat and the length is off. It needs to be shorter or longer or ANYTHING but what my father makes me have it as."

Turns out the quiet brooding Percival is quite talkative once you get him to talk and this surprises the people in the room, all except Prudence, she though he might be. It might be due to the sitting next to each other for a while in physics or possibly the fact she, during that time, noticed Percy's habit of fixing everything about him subconsciously or the stiff posture or the way his eyes dart a little too swiftly around every time something happens or the random opening of his mouth to answer questions or talk but the quick closure of said mouth a few seconds after, no sound coming out.

"Okay...Why don't you cut it?" Egbert asks to break the silence and Percival narrows his eyes as the blond, seeing if he's trying to make a joke.

"Umm..." Percival starts but realises by the expressions on the people’s faces he probably shouldn't load all his issues onto them this easily and simply refuses to accept that fact he can't cut his hair. Not with his father.

"I-I..umm..Guess I could...actually..." Percival muses and fails to notice the bell ringing, signalling the end of their time here.

"See you dudes later, tomorrow probably." Egbert shouts as he stands up and marches out of the room, everyone assumes he's going back to his room to sleep. Sometimes he doesn't even make it to his room.

Percival wonders why the blond is so ready to leave them, is it possibly he hates them and will leave as soon as possibly when given the chance? Is Egbert secretly hating them....He has been awfully quiet. He probably hates them. Percy was just in the middle of a story. Does Egbert not want to finish the story?

"Yeah..I'm afraid I've got to go. Nice meeting you. Also, Percival, do it. You're worth it." Merilwen explains and waits for a second by the door to support the posh-boy. Maybe they’re all just tired, Percival thinks as Merilwen seems nice enough to tell him if she hated him.

"Really...what do you guys think?" Percival turns to ask the two remaining people, a spark of something just catching.

"You should do it. I don't like your hair like that anyway." Dob muses and Percival smiles slightly; he has one person who thinks it's a great idea and with Dob smiling at him he can't think of any reason not to do it.

"Yeah. If it makes you happy do it, that's how you make a better life for yourself. Don't care what others think or say, as long as you're happy and you don't kill anyone, do it." Prudence inputs as she slings her bag up and walks away, her hair and hips swaying. Percival wonders if she does that on purpose.

"Okay...thank you...Umm...want to...walk me to my car?" Percival asks the tall jock, who quickly grabs him and ends up dragging him down the stairs and to his car, his need to run more about being excited than wanting to get Percival out of his way quicker. In all honesty Percival doesn't know why he asked tis boy he met an hour or so ago to walk him to his car but he doesn't exactly have time to correct himself when Dob is dragging him down the stairs of the school.

This dragging ends with a huffing but smiling jock and a wide-eyed, hot fancy-pants.

"That was fun!" Dob exclaims and smiles, making the snob huff at him, he almost broke his legs getting dragged down those stairs.

"Oh! Wait!" Dob exclaims and Percival raises a brow, it's not like he was going anywhere. Dob looks down at the shy boy before reaching hand out and ruffling his hair, making the boy jump back in surprise. If there was ANYTHING Percival was expecting to happen today being..touched was not one of them. Disgusting!

"There. Now you look better." Dob muses as Percival hears a car drive and park behind him. Percy doesn't know what he looks like but as he turns to look at the car, he catches his reflection and true to Dob's words he looks better. Of course Percy then remembers that his father definitely wouldn't think that and panics.

"Oh, come here you idiot." Dob laughs at Percy's panicked face before grabbing him and slowly flattening his hair and fixing it into a crude version of what it was before, all the while Percy is face to chest with Dob, wondering why him.

Quickly Percival walks away from Dob, keeping his head low and placing a hand in front of where Dob could possibly see his blush. Percival knows he really shouldn't be this easy to fluster, he's not even meant to show any emotion if his father’s example is anything to go by but he can't help it. Dob is strong, sweet and muscular. Plus...it's natural chemistry, right? He can't decide who he likes...right?

Dob stands there and waves a cheery goodbye as Percival's black car drives away, for the millionth time failing to notice Percival’s smile drop and the fact he looks like he's getting taken to a government facility.

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workingonit-currently · 4 years

Text

Music that reminds me of Oxventurers.

(Part two.)

youtube

Hear me out on this one...Prudence.

Okay..I know none of the crew of the Joyful Damnation have children but I feel like since we’ve had adventures with Cor’s family, Dob’s family and Egberts. (Yes, I’m saying that Out of Order counts.) We might get a look at Prudence’s family, her biological family...if they’re not dead.

I’m not saying we will, I just like to imagine Prudence spitting at her mother while singing this song as a way of saying, ‘You abandoned me, you hated me. You were suppose to be my mother, a mother cares and loves, not abandons in the cave of a hermit cultist who wants to cover the world in SLIME.’

(Can you tell I like musicals and songs that tell a story?)

Yeah..So I get those vibes. Plus it’s a beautiful sing, pity it was in a movie no one watched...

(Same thing as last time, don’t click to keep reading if you don’t want a weird analysis of each and every line of the song because I like analysing text...Darn my lackluster skills in English and ability to look to deep into things.)

‘What would a mother not do for her child, what lengths would a mother not go?’

I like to imagine this refers to her mother abandoning her, a teasing tone as her mother did nothing for her so Prudence is highlighting the fact that she had no mother, no true parents

‘There’s a bond that exists between mother and child, with no end to how strong it can grow.’

Again, taunting, showing how her mother had no bond with her although she should have. It also highlights the fact that Prudence does not form bonds, she never learned how to and only formed one bond, a bond similar to a mother and daughters, with Cthulhu.

‘It’s a promise for life between mother and child, it begins from the moment of birth’

Referancing Prudence being abandoned, pretty much this whole song is her rubbing her abandonment in her mothers face, but also refers to the fact that although Prudence forms no bonds, or tries to, she does still want family, love and affection. She doesn’t want Corazon to abandon her or leave her but she doesn’t know how to cope with those feelings so they end up never being revealed until you get a few drinks in her.

‘And you’re shaken to your soul, with an ache you’ve never known.’

On the top it shows that Prudence knows what her mother should have felt for her, a love, affection and pain having left her in a cave and abandoning her. Prudence knows what her mother should have felt for her but she also knows her mother didn’t feel that, ‘Because she looks like a devil-baby’. But it also refers to Prudence’s new-found bond with the Oxventurers, she actually likes them, she cares for them.

‘And you look into their eyes and find you’re looking in your own.’

I believe this would be a representation of Prudence blaming her mother for everything, her appearance since she thinks her mother is the wicked and evil one for abandoning her but she is the one who looks like a devil, reflecting her mothers evil outwards. Also refers to Prudence finding comfort and family with the Oxventurers, finding in their eyes a pain and loss similar to hers, Dob thinking his family is lost, Merilwen having no family, Egbert being shunned by his family and Cor, with a tale very similar to hers, shunned, abandoned, punished and almost killed by his family. (Both Corazon and Prudence being abandoned for not being like their parents and being something they could not control.)

‘And there’s a pain you can’t imagine, a special kind of torture you can feel.’

Refers to Prudence’s pain of being abandoned but also shows her mother that she should also feel this pain. Also possibly refers to Prudence’s bond with Cthulhu since that was very painful but she just wanted someone.

‘A cut that bleeds from somewhere deep inside you, a past regret you can not heal.’

Prudence shows how painful it was to be abandoned but also states that her mother can not heal the bond between them now, she doesn’t need her mother and her mother can not make up time lost or go back and stop herself abandoning her child. Prudence does wish her mother didn’t abandon her but knows that she does not need her mother, she hates her mother but she is better off without her. She has real family now, real friends.

‘And no one guesses, all the while you’re praying, that screaming little stranger in your arms might just grow up and save you after all.’

The use of stranger refers to a new life but following the narrative also means, I this context, Prudence is a stranger to her mother, her mother was never there and never got to know her, she simply abandoned her devil-child based on her apperance and even now, twenty or something years later they are strangers to each other. This line also refers to Prudence actually saving a lot of lives, maybe unintentionally her mothers but Prudence has saved many people despite her looks, past and current god.

‘Might just grow up and save you after all...’

This is Prudence acknowledging that what her mother did was wrong, she was suppose to love her but instead she abandoned her. Prudence cold have been good, nice and actually live a social life, she has the smarts and the skill but her parents doomed her to this path, Prudence did not choose what path she was on, her parents did. But she will still save her mother and fight for her, defend her and be good if it came down to it. Prudence is telling her mother she is grown up and that if her mothers life was on the line Prudence would fight to keep her alive, she may hate her but Prudence won't kill her, she will save her and rub it in her mothers face that she is not all evil, she is good despite everything.

‘What would a mother not do for her child, what highs would a mother not climb?’

Again mocking but this time Prudence referring to her self, she starts referring to herself more as this song goes on, she’s climbed higher than she though she could, from a free-lance warlock to an Oxventurer who does generally good things. She has become better, more nice and stronger with her new family, being the joint mum of the group with Merilwen as the three idiots can not do anything.

‘There’s a bond that exists between mother and child and it only gets deeper with time.’

Prudnece shows that although she hates that her parents abandoned her, she wants a mother, she wants a family and as years passed she wanted to find her mother, maybe ask her why, every year a little more sadness and a little more longing for her family.

‘It’s a promise for life between mother and child and to break it there’s no greater pain.’

This line refers to what her mother should feel, again, she should not have abanded her cld and because of that abandonment Prudence was put in all sort of pain and hardship, simply because she was abandoned.

‘And you’re shaken to your soul with an ache you can’t erase, like the tears you never cry but still keep scrubbing off your face.’

Refer to what her mother should feel as well as what Prudence does actually feel. She feels sad and emotional but she can’t let her emotions out, she never can and she never will but she still feel broken, abandoned and lonely, unwilling to trust although she’s grown and tried to heal she can never erase the damage her mother has caused or how much pain she is in. It’s always there.

‘Cos there’ a pain you can’t imagine, the type that keeps you wide awake.’

Refers to the many sleepless nights Pru has had, imagining her parents and fighting with both her guilt at being a horrible demon-baby but more importantly trying to contain the anger and sadness at everyone including her parents for not just accepting her and ignoring that she looks like a devil-baby, she wasn’t evil as a baby, they made her evil by forcing her into that role.

‘That somehow turns to bold determination, that you won’t ever make the same mistake.’

Those sleepless nights turned to into her reading, studying and practicing being a warlock, choosing Cthulhu and killing her carer as she becomes determined to be what they think she is, evil but also to find her parents, make them suffer and be great at whatever she wants because she is her own person and she will be the best at whatever she chooses. She won’t abandon her friends, she will be there and she will not make the same mistake her parents made, she will torture and treat everyone just the same and she will not be blinded by her own fear like her parents.

‘And so you vow to feed your little future, assuring that her talents, poise and charm might just grow up and save you after all. Might just grow up and save you after all.’

So Prudence vows to become a master at her spells, be the greatest servant of cthulhu, she vows to be a great and powerful warlock, to be smart and above her fear. She grows confidence in herself, her skills and trust in her power and god. She incures that she can rely on herself and needs nobody else, she teaches herself and becomes her own mother, teaching herself how to do magic, kill, paim and everything she was suppose to learn from her mother.

‘Some dreams die upon the vine, some they never have a chance.’

This refers to her mother, her parents never giving her a chance, simply abndoning her but also refers to how hard she worked at her dream, becoming a warlock, becoming powerful and becoming someone who could take care of themselves.

‘Sweeter than the sweetest wine, that mine becomes the queen of France.’

Prudence thinks how sweet it is that she is exactly what her parents though she was, a devil-child but she also survived, probably something her parents didn’t think woukd happen, and she’s grown into a strong powerful being, something she might never have done if not for abandonment.

‘And it’s relief you can’t imagine, it’s filling every single bone and nerve. To know that you can get out of this hellhole and finally live the life that you deserve.’

Prudence explains how great it was to realise her parents abandoned her, she realised how good it was to get away from hermits and how amazingly perfect it was that everyone was racist towards her, to have her fears realised and to overcome them, cover herself with them and wear her and others fears as a coat. She feels satisfied with her power, being able to look after herself and is able to not blame herself for her past but blame her parents.

‘And as you leave the past you knew would haunt you and all of the regret you didn’t show, might just grow up and save you after all...Might just grow up and save you. Might just grown up and save you after all.’

This refers to Prudence knowing her parents regret abandoning her in some ways and that reget means she can not kill them, only let them live and feel worse now that they see she’s survived and become this. Her own past and regretsnsaving mant lives as she became an Oxventurer and met her true family, going on adventures and possibly saving herself in the process again.

‘What would a mother not do for her child, what lengths would a mother not go. There’s a bond that exists between mother and child..-Ah. But then again, how would you know.’

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