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do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas · 3 years

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My gender, i fucking guess

Ok, so I haven't mentioned this yet, but for the past what, two weeks? A week? I've been thinking about gender - as in my own.

So to sum up my thoughts, I've started down this train of thought about how I view myself, cause like... I enjoy being called a young woman. It makes me feel proud to being called a young lady or a lady. But... why? Am I proud of being called these things cause I'm an adult now? How would I feel of being casually called handsome? A gentleman?

I start overthinking, going down a rabbit hole of doubts and thoughts about how if I am a cis woman. Cause what even is gender dysphoria, or gender euphoria?

Wow, this sent me down a tailspin. But, I just kept this in the back of my mind when I realized I was spiraling down into self-doubt and way too much questioning.

God, I love labels too much.

But... I had an idea just now.

My neurodivergency.

So basically, I was thinking about me being autistic and ADHD, and I was casually thinking about my struggles with social talking and societal rules while watching Whose Line (I know, perfect time to have a gender crisis). This made me think about how - unfathomable social rules are, how we have this strange sense of rules without really understanding why this should be (which is mostly because of society's and its white supremacy and patriarchy).

"Don't put elbows on the table, don't run your hands through your hair." "Why?" "Cause it's rude." "Cause it makes you look stuck-up." Really? Why? Like, genuinely, how is this possible?

This made me come up with my epiphany just now: gender is incomprehensible.

This is why I'm able to "get" things like gender jokes about your gender being a food or people's advice and experiences on gender nonconformity. I always felt weird about understanding it or even relating to it cause I feel like I have to do a thing like "I'm cis but this is relatable", but maybe there's a reason about me being able to "get" other's experiences with gender.

So with this idea, I think I understand what I've been thinking about: gender doesn't exist for me. Like, straight up, the concept is as unfathomable as me comprehending a time before time itself. All I know is what others have told me and how I "see" gender: there is biological male and female, there are pronouns you can use, there are different ways you can present yourself, there are multiple labels to define yourself with like nonbinary, trans, demi, fluid, etc. And I think not only does this help me understand my thoughts around "gender", but it also helps me with things like changing pronoun vocab and to stop thinking of the people I knew as their assigned gender.

Just... gender doesn't exist for me. The names exist and how people present themselves of course exist, but like... what is gender, to me? It's nothing.

I guess, by literal definition, this makes me autigender (if there's another term for someone's neurodivergency making them think of their own gender a different way, let me know). But do I think of myself as trans?

Hm.

I think it's like with my thought process about calling myself sapphic: I know logically and emotionally I'm panromantic, but spiritually, like with my heart and brain, I might be more attracted to woman. I don't want to say I'm gay or a lesbian cause I'm not personally gay: sapphic is a term that's general, something that says I like women, no matter what my sexual attraction is.

So I believe I'm with that about my gender: I know in my brain and heart that I'm a woman, cause that's who I am personally (though I wouldn't mind being called handsome or a gentleman - why not, who cares, I don't believe in gender!!), though I suppose that according to what I've been talking about, I'm nonbinary, by literal definition. Or maybe agender. Hm.

Though I'm still scared. Yes, I know, anyone whose trans is trans and you don't have to "prove" yourself to be a certain kind of trans person. But I'm still nervous about saying I might be trans, like a kind of imposter syndrome. Am I really trans? Would I be taking what isn't mine if I relate to gender jokes or make my own? I still feel like I'm fiercely a woman and stand by all my fellow woman, is that not right? I'm not exactly looking for sympathy or reassurance, just kinda spurting this out into the world.

Hm.

I guess... I'm gonna take a deep dive into the nonbinary tag and blogs. I want to really examine my own views on me being a woman and how I view my gender, cause I feel weird calling myself any kind of trans labels cause they all revolve around gender - cause what even is it in the first place?

Hm.

#quinntessentials #thoughts #gender #lgbtq #trans #transgender #nonbinary #my gender #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually sapphic #sapphic #autism #adhd

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fake-wizard · 3 years

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How did you become a trans terf? This is really interesting!

Thank you for this question because I can now delay watching my lectures for like 30 min.

I got tumblr my freshman year, started my deep dive into the realm of tumblr’s lgbtqianpd+++ stuff. I did a bunch of ace discourse as an “inclusionist” then as an “exclusionist”, started iding as nonbinary demiboy, ace/aro, he/they, got a binder i think during the winter of my sophomore year and came out to a couple friends as nb. Went more towards ftm. Started dating my current boyfriend winter of my junior year, told him I was id’ing as ftm (he’s bisexual, didn’t matter) and the rest of my friends, changed my name and pronouns socially. Start of my senior year I told my family and had them change pronouns and name as well. My bday is in October, so turned 18 and was going to start testosterone.

By the winter of that year however, I had been hate-reading a lot of “terf” blogs. And what I found was that I could not argue against what they were saying. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance about it all, repeating the same mantras but knowing they didn’t quite add up.

Specifically about: If sexuality is based on an internal sense of gender, how can you be attracted to anyone until they tell you what gender they are? If a lesbian sees a woman and she says “i’m ftm” does that mean the lesbian is now a bisexual because they were “attracted to a man” or is a switch supposed to flip and they stop being attracted? If sexism is based on “being perceived as a woman/passing as a woman” then why do butches who pass as men still experience sexism? If being gay is about “being perceived as gay in society” then wouldn’t that make all the homosexual couples historically who passed as hetero for safety suddenly become actual literal heteros? If transmen have male privilege, why are they not represented in politics, are targetted for sexual abuse by straight men, and need access to abortion just like women do? If transwomen don’t have male privilege, why are they the main voices of the movement? They can reap all the benefits of a male life for 50 years, and then suddenly none of that mattered? If me and my boyfriend’s relationship is “gay” now that i id’d as ftm, how come we could legally get married and adopt in any country in the world? I was raised being told I Should like and date men, I never once believed my attraction to men was a sin, and gay men experience the Exact Opposite, so how could we both possibly be gay men? Why do transwomen have male patterns of violence? Why have I only ever heard of stories of transwomen abusing transmen, and not the other way around? Is it possible to only be attracted to the same sex? To say no is to say that it’s possible for all women to like dick, which is obviously fucked up. What is so different about a man and a transwoman that means a lesbian is supposed ot like the latter? Why can’t anybody define women? first woman, then female, then afab, the goalpost kept moving. What is there to being a woman besides being female, isn’t all that extra stuff just stereotypes? When my sister is distressed with her body and denied herself food, or I cut myself, that’s a bad thing because it hurts your body, but hrt and a mastectomy hurt your body, they even risk killing you, but that’s okay? I took a sociology class and it’s clear socialization effects behavior - but somehow magically trans people grow up uneffected by it? If socialization can influence women to wear makeup, dress, and act in specific ways that arent’ innate, and cause higher rates of eating disorders, couldn’t it effect dysphoria as well?

And so much more!!!

And that’s only on the trans side - I also had my eyes opened to the horrors of pornography and prostitution, the rates of domestic violence, and all the other terrible sex-based oppression that women are subjected to globally. There is so much more to being a radfem than the trans issues too.

So for two years (winter of my senior year to winter of my college’s high school year) I decided not to transition. I engaged with radfem tumblr and talked about all these things with my female friends in person as well, it was like getting a huge weight off my shoulders too. And it really did help lessen my dysphoria to an extent. I came up with a long list of coping mechanisms to employ for dysphoria as well.

But by this february, I was just so tired of that. I still supported everything I say about radical feminism, about sex based oppression, protecting homosexuals, and the dangers of medical transition. But dysphoria is just this constant painful presence day in and day out, and I pursued medical transition in february. I applaud every woman who chooses not to transition, and ultimately view transitioning as giving in, because I can no longer be a role model to young dysphoric women, who shows them that you don’t need to transition.

At this point, I love my body more than ever and I can’t imagine regretting these changes really. I will miss connecting with women the way I used to, especially as a woman in science, but the women in my life from before transition will always see me as one of them still, and I appreciate that.

The way I see it, words don’t hurt me at all, they are immaterial, and as a scientist I value coherent definitions, and I understand the realities of sex. So my goal with transition is to pass as male in society and to alter the parts of my body that bring me distress - I know i’m not literally male. And I think all trans people need to get to the point where they understand that, it really helps mentally.

And I’ll always think, maybe if i had different friends (half of my friends understand, half think i am or would think i am an evil terf) or was dating a woman instead of a man (i’m bisexual, thought i was hetero in highschool (but called myself a gay man lmao), and dating someone with the same body seems like a big deal in handling dysphoria), if i tried harder with my coping mechanisms, if I saw a therapist who understood all this and didn’t just encourage me to do whatever I wanted, maybe i wouldn’t be transitioning. But I’m happy now, so that’s what I focus on as mattering to me, and that’s what I want to pursue.

I do caution others from doing the same though.

Also tangent at the end here, I call myself “trans” because I’m medically transitioned. To me, “cis v trans” makes no sense and is sexist. But “dysphoric vs not dysphoric” or “medically transitioned vs not medically transitioned” make more sense to me.

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perenial · 3 years

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at risk of asking a dumb question.. how did you know you were nb/you wanted to go by they/them? i ask as someone trying to figure it out

this isn’t a dumb question - the opposite, really, since this is the entire point of my thesis (that everyone is sick of hearing about). there really isn’t a lot of research in social sciences about non-binary identity, and what does exist is either going through peer review right now and isn’t accessible, or takes a v strong biomedical approach that totally ignores the social dimension of identity work. but that’s not exactly what ur asking so i’ll save that for my phd proposal lmao

the main Thing for me was always feeling discomfort with my birth name. from a v v young age i’d hear it and be like......is that supposed to be me? am i supposed to connect that collection of syllables to [gestures vaguely at all of this]? it just didn’t click with me. my birth name isn’t overtly feminine or anything but it’s definitely a ‘female’ name, so i guess i kind of hitched all my gender-y baggage to that horse and went okay well that’s clearly not right

i discovered the term non-binary on tumblr in about 2012? 2013? i was definitely questioning my gender by 2013, because i’d just had my first girlfriend and i felt incredibly uncomfortable when she called us lesbians. let me be super clear about this: it wasn’t internalised lesobophobia that caused the discomfort, it was the fundamental incompatibility of a gendered label having anything to do with me.

(sidenote: there’s actually a really interesting argument by monique wittig discussed by judith butler in gender trouble that explores the idea that man/woman are inherently heterosexualised roles and therefore being a non-hetero woman/lesbian....isn’t exactly the same as being a capital-w Woman? it’s a complex theory that some lesbians/wlw have taken as an empowering concept while others feel like wittig leans into t/e/r/f or political lesbian territory. ANYWAY baby gene didn’t know this discourse existed and thought lesbian = woman so that’s what i’m getting at)

after breaking up with my girlfriend i v briefly toyed with the idea that i might be a trans guy, and while that felt slightly more correct than being a cis woman, it still didn’t sit right with me? so i cycled through a few different things, most significantly genderfluid, until one day when i was about 14/15 where i just went u know what? fuck it. i’m non-binary. u can try and define whatever the fuck is going on here but good fucking luck.

that was around the same time i started using they/them pronouns, first online and then slowly more irl as i went to uni/talked to new people. i tried he/him and ze/zir for a while but like id-ing as a trans guy/genderfluid, it just didn’t feel right. it was a lot of trial and error, plenty of late nights staring at the ceiling practicing introducing myself, so much reading about trans identity - and somehow i ended up here, literally being non-binary as a career.

my main advice to u is to have fun with it. gender can feel really serious at times, especially when there’s so much emphasis on physical transition, but i promise it’s okay - good, even - to just fuck around while u find something that works, and for all its faults tumblr is actually a great place to do just that. u want to use neopronouns for a week? go for it! u want to change ur name every second month? sure! u don’t want people to see or perceive ur gender? bitch me too the fuck

and it’s alright if nothing fits right away, or ever! like, show me a permanent state of self. there isn’t one. we’re all just meaty sacks on a slowly dying planet; who gives a shit if the person u were calling greg last week is emily now. humans change - it’s what we do best. resisting that urge to change is how we get tony abbott eating a whole raw onion on national tv.

i want to leave u with this quote from gender trouble, which is a fantastic book if u can muddle through all the unnecessarily complicated academic language:

If the body is not a “being,” but a variable boundary, a surface whose permeability is politically regulated, a signifying practice within a cultural field of gender hierarchy and compulsory heterosexuality, then what language is left for understanding this corporeal enactment, gender, that constitutes its “interior” signification on its surface? Sartre would perhaps have called this act “a style of being,” Foucault, “a stylistics of existence.” And in my earlier reading of Beauvoir, I suggest that gendered bodies are so many “styles of the flesh.” These styles all never fully self-styled, for styles have a history, and those histories condition and limit the possibilities. Consider gender, for instance, as a corporeal style, an “act,” as it were, which is both intentional and performative, where “performative” suggests a dramatic and contingent construction of meaning.

(and because i’ve been referencing things all day and can’t break the habit now - emphasis mine, Butler 1999 (2nd ed.), pg. 177)

happy gendering!

#replies.txt #im so sorry u probably didnt want gender studies 101 with this but my brain is on 24 hour academic lockdown rn #i hope this helps!! and if u have any more questions/thoughts feel free to hmu #nerdwithablog

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just-terfy-thing77 · 4 years

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Peak Trans: The Moments that Define Us

A year ago I was about to end it all. I had quit my job, was thinking about ending my relationship, and might have even killed myself. Why did I feel this way?

I have suffered from gender dysphoria my whole life.

If I let it, it manifests into this deep feeling of my very existence being wrong. And without work to have to put on the act on for it was becoming unbearable. I found r/egg_irl and so many of the memes were relatable. I felt like I was home... but transitioning would mean losing my relationship and put me right back where I started at my mother’s house. Feeding those feelings made it worse and almost unbearable.

(My mom WOULD support me in that decision, had I made it. She’s awesome like that. Like as far as human rights related things, my mom’s fucking gold. I could go on for a hot minute about my mom being awesome in that way. We just have other issues I’d rather not have to cope with again making her house a non-option)

But then I discovered the Gender Critical and detrans subreddits. A lot of people feel the way I do. I realized something important. My “femaleness” isn’t defined by anyone or anything but my genetics and myself. My transitioning wouldn’t help these feelings once the praise is gone. My accepting that I am GNC and living my best life as a different kind of woman, but a woman none the less, would do more to help me and those around me.

Once upon a time, I had nothing but mad respect for trans individuals and TRAs. I still have some respect. If you’re cool and straightforward about it and don’t act like a creep, I’ll call you your chosen name and pronouns. I have good childhood friends who are trans. I know their trauma and I’m not going to cause more of it for them which I know “misgendering” will do in their particular cases.

In that last year, I’ve thrown out what little make-up I owned and have only worn a bra for work (even then there have been quite a few shifts without) and working out. My razors get touched once and a while, but only because I want to shave, which is when my pits get so hairy that they visibly distract me in a tank top. I wear boxer-briefs because they’re fucking comfortable as fuck.

The thing that saved my life is realizing that none of it means I have to be man. All of these things are feminine because I am female!

It terrifies me knowing if I were born today, I would likely be forced to transition too young to know what that really means because I’ve had GNC traits my whole life. But here I sit at 25 a proud female who doesn’t buy any of the shit they’re selling about what being a woman means.

If we truly want to make a better world and break down gender as social construct, we’re not going to do it by calling everyone in a dress female or every person who doesn’t do performative femininity male. We will really start making headway when a male shows up to the board room in a dress and makeup proudly declaring he’s a man wearing a dress.

TL;DR: I’m a GNC woman with gender dysphoria who stopped buying the gender bullshit. Men in dresses are hot as fuck. Give me more of that shit and less of the “but my gender feels” bs.

#terf #terfy #terfs please touch #terfs do interact #peak trans #trans #radfem #feminism #gnc #gnc woman #fuck gender #life experiences

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keiththespacekitty · 4 years

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"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

Trans Klance fic.

Tw: dysphoria, fear of rejection, Lance deadnames himself because he feels comfortable to do so.

It had been in his head for a while now- ever since it happened. Keith wasn't the type to get anxious, so the ball in the pit of his stomach was unfamiliar to him. He was pacing around, going for jogs around the castle, punching a punchbag, anything he could to satisfy his fight or flight response long enough to manage to put down some food without nausea rearing its ugly head. The words kept repeating over and over in his head- however benign they may have been, they still filled him with panic.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

It wasn't aimed at him- it was aimed at Pidge. But the idea that she'd kept her agab disclosed and had explicitly been using he/him pronouns, and still was seen as a girl, made Keith feel like everything was futile. The years of confusion and self discovery and finally gaining the confidence to start identifying as he truly felt- they all felt unravelled with that single sentence. It didn't matter who he was or what he did or how he felt. She, she, she. It was like a mantra in Keith's head, a constant intrusive misgendering.

Keith felt sick and trapped. He felt like everybody was waiting for him to reveal he was a girl- that no matter what, that's how they would always see him, like it would have been easier to give up on himself. He didn't want to give up his identity. He was trapped in space and trapped in an awkward void of identity versus perceived identity.

He avoided everyone for the next few days. He couldn't bare it. Couldn't bare knowing everyone saw him as strikingly female. That no matter how much he would bind, no matter how many times he'd stabbed himself with a needle, no matter how much he let some stubble grow or how deep his voice was, all people would see him as was a walking womb- because that's exactly how the world saw women. He was a feminist- of course he was. He wasn't transitioning because he thought ill of womanhood- he was doing it because womanhood simply wasn't his to grow into and he loved himself enough to be honest about his identity.

He knew that people found that hard to understand. He knew people found it hard to accept. He knew that everyone saw him differently, that everyone was waiting to bombard him with personal questions about what's in his pants, if he's had "the surgery" (which one? There's loads), how people like him have sex or kids. Everyone was always waiting like vultures to cross his boundaries and ask him questions and chastise him for "mutilating" his body and "ruining" his beauty and his chances at love.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

Keith couldn't get the words out of his head.

And they weren't even aimed at him.

Pathetic. He thought of himself as pathetic. Lying in his bed with his face pressed into his pillow fighting back tears. This wasn't just pain. This was existential pain. This was his entire identity and he felt like his world was crumbling away. He knew who he was, and he was screaming out, but it wasn't right, his body wasn't right, the way people saw him wasn't right, because it didn't match. It didn't feel like his. Objectively he knew his body was great. It would be amazing on someone else. Except it wasn't on someone else. It was on him and his skin was crawling and writhing with the ghosts of expectations and the tendrils of dysphoria and incongruence that gripped him tightly and made a home under his skin.

He read the Map Woman. Sure, the poem was about a woman, about her origins staying with her, but he could relate. He could relate to feeling like your past was branding you, he could relate to the urge to cover and shed it, but he also knew that it shaped him, painted him- his past was a part of him that he couldn't erase and it was important that he make peace with who he was and where he comes from in order for his skin to settle. He knew that his journey was important, and it was home- his past and his future didn't need to be at odds. They weren't two parallel lives- they were a map of who he was, the experiences that shaped him and his identity- his past and his present would shape his future, where new valleys and roads would embed themselves onto him. His past would remain deep within his bones so that his future could thrive beneath his skin. The old gives way to the new. Identity was a tower. You couldn't take away the deep roots of your past without the top collapsing down. His past, his pain, his journey- was important to him. Even if painful, it was significant because of that pain. He couldn't erase where he came from, when it led him to where he was now.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

Yes.

It was as simple as yes.

Yes, they were supposed to think he was a boy, because he was a boy, and only he got to decide his gender. They didn't get to force him into a box that wasn't his to sit in.

He was allowed to put his foot down. He was allowed to set boundaries. Of course, he understood that people were allowed to be curious and confused, but he was still allowed to define his own identity and have it respected. He was allowed to fight for himself.

It was scary.

Gods, it was so scary. But Keith knew that if he wanted to control his identity, he had to face the source of his insecurity. He had to leave his room.

He found himself on the training deck first- fight or flight, to quell the anxiety. He knew he'd be alone, so he could train safely without his binder trying to suffocate him for his stupidity. He managed to get in a good hour or so of training, before letting his feet carry him to the one place he knew everyone would be- at lunch.

He knew that lunch was the best time to rejoin the group. Hunk would immediately greet him with a "welcome back, buddy," and an extra large helping of food goo, and he could focus on eating and keep his head down and over the next few meals Hunk would gently coax him out of his shell and encourage others to engage too until it was no longer awkward. Hunk was good at understanding Keith's anxiety.

So Keith did his best to work through the deep churning feeling, the unsettling writhing in his gut when the tendrils of anxiety gripped him tight and settled there. He walked in, and avoided eye contact, and sat down at the table. But Hunk didn't welcome him back in a casual tone.

"Keith?"

"Hunk."

Hunk gently set his food in front of him. "I saved you the best bits," he said, but he lingered.

"What?"

"Keith, buddy, we're all worried about you."

"I'm fine," Keith said, but he immediately regretted it. No, he was not fine, and he was screaming out for help inside, trapped behind the prison of his fear.

"Keith, we both know that was a lie here. This isn't you."

"Isolating myself isn't me?"

"Well I mean- fair point. But we all know something's wrong, Keith. And it's okay if you aren't ready to trust us with what yet, but if there's anything that we can do to help or support you through this, we want to know. We're here for you."

The words swirled around in his mind again.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

He couldn't push them away.

"I need you to-... remind me who I am, again," Keith forced out quickly, "I need you to tell me how you see me. I just… I need to know."

"Keith," Hunk began firmly, "what's going on?"

"Nothing, I just-" Keith sighed awkwardly. He wanted to say, he needed to. But his fear stopped him. He sat there, tense, trying to keep his breathing steady and trying to push down the lump in his throat. Keith didn't cry. Not like this. Not for himself. Never for himself. Especially- especially not in front of a crowd.

"Keith, buddy?" Lance was looking at him in a way Keith couldn't recognise- at least, not on Lance's face. Lance looked like he hadn't slept out of concern. Keith had never seen him like this before. He felt guilty for causing it.

"It's just- it's hard," Keith managed. Of course, Lance's face lit up with mischief- he'd always try to lighten the mood.

"It's hard, huh, am I that attractive that my mere presence-"

"I'M NOT SOME GIRL YOU CAN FLIRT WITH, LANCE!"

Keith regretted snapping almost immediately. Lance was shocked, scared even, and Keith hadn't even realised he'd stood up and balled his fists. Lance finally began to stammer out an apology. "I- I'm sorry, I- I won't-"

"Look, I get that you might not wanna be flirted with," Pidge began firmly, "but maybe you could have worded that better."

"I'm not a girl, I'm not like you," Keith practically growled out. He realised too late why Pidge seemed angry- it wasn't because they thought he was a girl. It was because they didn't know. They didn't know he was trans. And Lance was flirting with him anyways. And it sounded like Keith was implying that Lance should only flirt with girls.

"If you don't wanna be flirted with, that's fine, we understand, but if you have a problem with Lance liking guys then get out of my sight!"

"Pidge, that isn't what I-"

The words haunted him yet again.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

But this time Keith felt ready to confront them.

"Pidge, I'm not-"

"Not what?!"

"I'm not homophobic. I- I reacted the way I did because-"

"Because why?"

"Because I didn't realise Lance was gay. So I thought he was flirting with me because he saw me as a girl."

"That doesn't even make any sense!" Pidge countered.

The fear gripped Keith again. He was afraid of hearing those words again.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

But he needed to scream out his truth.

"I'm trans." Keith was met with silence. "That's what I meant by I'm not like you. And that's what I meant when I snapped at Lance. Because I thought he saw me as a girl. And- that's why I've been hiding in my room, since… since you revealed your agab. Because- because Coran said- 'We were supposed to think you were a boy?'. Like- you- you hadn't given us your deadname, Pidge, you hadn't- you hadn't stopped using he/him pronouns. You were outwardly identifying as fully male. And yes, you aren't, and it really was just a disguise for you, so it probably didn't hurt you to be told you weren't very convincing as a boy."

Keith glanced around the room. They were silent, but it seemed to be because they were genuinely listening.

"But it hurt me," Keith continued, "because it felt like those words applied to me too. That- everyone somehow knew, and that everyone was secretly seeing me as female. That people felt like I was just faking it. That in everyone's heads was 'oh that weird girl still thinks we see her as a boy'. That everyone could see right through me. That everyone saw me as a ruse, and an unconvincing one at that. And I'm not. I'm not- I'm not like you, Pidge. I'm not pretending to be a guy to sneak into school. It doesn't fill me with relief to hear people knew how I was born like it did with you. I'm trans. And I'm scared. I'm scared because my agab follows me around and I feel like I can't escape it. I felt like you all saw me as a girl, like you were all waiting for me to come clean. And I couldn't stand it anymore, so… yeah."

He looked around the room again.

"You were supposed to think I was a boy."

Keith finally took a deep breath, attempting to relax his body, but it immediately clenched up again. He felt so stupid. He must have been passing excellently and now he'd just outed himself and now they really would think he was a girl. He took a shaky breath, fighting the tears. He didn't want to cry, not like this. He froze up when Lance stood too.

"Keith, buddy…"

Keith forced out a breath that was threatening to spill tears, but the breath came out all too fast and all too shaky.

"I'm sorry I made you so uncomfortable with my flirting. I guess I- I never felt a need to come out. I mean I know you've seen me flirting with Allura and Nyma and… a lot of alien chicks, but I'm actually bi. I didn't realise that you didn't know I was flirting with you because I'm actually bi and into dudes too. I didn't know that you thought I only liked girls and that you'd think I saw you as a girl, otherwise I would have clarified. I've just always been open about it, you know? I haven't exactly tried to hide it, I just genuinely thought that everybody already knew. And I know that it isn't my fault, before you say that, I know you don't blame me and I know I'm not at fault. I'm just apologising for the way you got hurt."

"Why would you even flirt with me," Keith asked brokenly, "why now?"

"I've kinda been flirting with you since the garrison, Keith," Lance began awkwardly. Keith heard a crunch- Pidge had fucking popcorn for this.

"I didn't know you at the garrison-"

"Taylor."

"What?"

"You remember Taylor, right?"

"I mean yeah, she was always behind me in class with some stupid rivalr- ooohhhh."

"I started transitioning just after you left. So everyone here already knows I'm trans and knows my deadname. I assumed you did too. When I met you again I kinda assumed you'd recognise me so I brought up our rivalry and my name in the hope you'd like. Not call me my deadname not realising I was a guy. Then you didn't recognise me so a part of me was really glad but the other part was kinda disappointed. So yeah… I'm also trans and I may have a teensy crush on you."

"You have a what now?"

"I mean I'm kinda relieved you're trans too because like I was scared that- well I'm sure you understand the fear of dating as a trans person with the whole people seeing you as your agab thing or the very very tiny possibility of someone being attracted to you-"

"Lance."

"What?"

"You said you have a crush on me."

"I very suddenly have training to do-"

Keith grabbed Lance's arm before he could leave, and Lance flamed bright red. Keith wasn't one to confront his feelings, at all, but he was upfront and he wanted answers. "Lance."

"Okay, fine, yes, I happen to think you're very attractive and somehow I like your dumb personality too! I've been trying to flirt with you but you're oblivious and I'm scared and I know you're Keith and you don't feel things other than 'Keith smash face with sword' so I know you don't feel the same about a nobody like me-"

"Shut up, Lance!" Lance immediately shut up. "I don't mean like- don't talk about your feelings. I do want to listen to you and address these insecurities. But I need you to be quiet and I need you to push those aside for a moment because I need you to be direct with me here. When you say you have a crush on me, do you mean from a distance, or do you mean you'd pursue a relationship with me if you thought you had a chance?"

"My answer depends on if- on a scale of one to ten; one being a stab in the face and ten being decapitating me and slicing me into cat food sized chunks, how violently will you stab me if I say yes to the second one?"

"Lance…" Keith sighed, and lowered his hand on Lance's arm until he was holding his hand gently. He didn't know what to say- but Keith was impulsive and brash, so he didn't- he grabbed the front of his shirt and kissed him as hard as he could. He would have regretted it if he didn't know Lance felt the same way. When he pulled back, Lance was puce across his cheekbones and to the tips of his ears. Keith only registered where he was when he heard the crunch of popcorn from Pidge. And then Keith turned scarlet.

He was suddenly very aware of his surroundings and the audience, and very aware of the fact he'd just kissed Lance. "Gross," Keith protested, "do it again."

"Kiss me yourself you lazy quiznack," Lance protested.

"Well I'm not kissing you again until you kiss me first!"

"Fine! Well I'm not kissing you until you kiss me, whoever caves first owes the other a week of laundry and I haven't done my laundry since we first arrived here!"

"That's gross, Lance," Keith said, "and you're on. I haven't done my laundry in a month."

"Oh quiznack, you guys are gonna be so annoying," Pidge sighed.

"Can we eat now that's all sorted," Hunk asked awkwardly, "because the sooner we eat the sooner I can bake like- a huge cake to celebrate you guys-"

"Hunk, no," Pidge sighed.

"Hunk yes, because love is beautiful and love deserves good food to commemorate it- hey where'd Lance and Keith go?" That was the last thing Keith heard from the kitchen as he pulled Lance towards the training deck.

The words repeated one more time in his head.

"We were supposed to think you were a boy?"

Except this time, they didn't bother him.

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twig-wig · 4 years

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Even though I often don’t feel confident enough to use my own words to support the causes I believe in, I try to make sure I share the words of other people to my small audience. However, I feel I can’t stay silent on the issue that is currently brewing with J.K. Rowling at the centre. I’m not the most eloquent and this has turned out much longer than intended, and probably quite disjointed. But the transgender community is near and dear to my heart. I can no longer be content with standing by and allow other people to speak. I need to add my voice to the conversation.

I was born and grew up as a girl with a different name. My parents were both kind and accepting people, encouraging me to be who I wanted to be. Even if society tried to push me into a box they never did. As a child I saw myself as a tomboy; I enjoyed playing guitar, masculine clothing, and getting down and dirty at Scouts. I hit puberty young and that was when my inner turmoil started. I saw myself as ‘one of the boys’ and the changes happening to my body weren’t welcome ones. This started an ongoing battle with my self image that I am still fighting today but thankfully I feel I am finally winning. As I met more people in my teenage years I outgrew my ‘one of the boys’ mindset and tried to embrace my female-ness, but something still didn’t feel right. Eventually in the summer of 2017, aged 19, I came out as transgender. I had been using the name Finn online for a while at that point and chose that as my new name, started using male pronouns, and started binding and looking into medical transition. I spoke to two gender therapists over the following years and was officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I was also recommended for hormone treatment as that was what I had expressed an interest in and was going to be able to start that as soon as I was ready. Around the same time I was offered hormones I met my current boyfriend who helped me get more comfortable with myself and I paused to think about my identity. In the years I have been with him I have since come to realise that whilst I don’t identify as a transgender man, I do still experience gender dysphoria and believe that I would be happiest somewhere in the middle. There are aspects of my body that I am uncomfortable with in a way that only transgender people will understand. It’s not simply the uncomfortable facts of being human such as body hair and odour or the pain of menstruation. It feels tangibly wrong. This isn’t how my body is meant to be or to function and it makes me feel so awful that it transcends the issue of body positivity many people face.

Socially I am a detransitioned transgender man. If you were to ask people would call me a girl and refer to me with she/her pronouns, however, in an ideal world that is not how I would be perceived. I have a great deal of anxiety in social situations and I am not brave enough to request that the people I meet use neutral pronouns for me and avoid referring to me as male/female, nor am I brave enough to ask that of even my friends. I have made my peace with the words that people use for me as I hope that one day when my physical appearance aligns more with how I feel inside and the world has progressed to be more accepting of non-binary people I can garner the courage to claim that part of my identity.

The reason I feel the need to put this out there is that J.K. Rowling has taken it upon herself, a cisgender woman, to speak for the trans community and proclaim that the most vocal portion of the community is damaging. My years spent as a trangender male have made me stronger, more confident, and more aware of who I am and how I identify. They were not a mistake, they were a part of my growth as a person. My struggle with my gender identity has been long and hard. I’ve fallen on many sides of the debate through the years, even holding views at one point that were transphobic. Which is exactly why I feel qualified to tell J.K. Rowling and others like her that they are wrong.

Rowling thinks that the transgender movement is aiming to “erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender”. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I cannot speak for all transgender individuals, we are a varied group with a myriad of opinions, but the main push is for sex to not be the defining characteristic on legal documentation. Why do our drivers licenses or passports need to make people aware of the chromosomes we likely possess, or the genitals we were born with? They don’t. It is none of Rowling’s, or anyone else's, business that I was born female. It is an unfortunate reality for transgender people that, no matter how far they medically transition, their body may never be exactly how it would be for someone born male/female. Sex is biological, it is how you are born. You may be male, female, or be born with something that makes it harder to define your sex such as Klinefelter’s or Turner’s. That biological fact you are born with is not of importance to anyone but your doctor. The only thing that the law and anyone else should be interested in is your gender, how you identify, and this is what we wanted reflected on legal documentation. She also laments how easy it is to get a gender recognition certificate now, that you only need identify as a woman/man to get it changed and, *gasp*, you don’t even need to medically transition! But that is exactly how it should be. Medical transition is not a requirement. Some people may choose not to and some people may not be able to. It does not make them any less who they say they are. And again, who cares what’s on their documentation? What exactly is that going to change about your life? Absolutely nothing.

She also expresses a concern for a “huge explosion” in AFAB (assigned female at birth) people transitioning, and subsequently the increase in AFAB people detransitioning. As one of those people I can say with confidence that I do not think this is not due to any kind of brainwashing or misguided feelings. It is due to the fact that in the age of the internet information is more freely available to us. As I mentioned, my parents were incredibly accepting people. I grew up knowing two lovely trans women, however for some reason I was not aware that AFAB people could be transgender too and transition into men. This is something I have heard many trans men express, and my therapists both commented that it was a common reason for why people like me had not begun transitioning earlier in life. I can’t deny that the increased awareness and acceptance of transgender people will lead to some mistakenly identifying as transgender. Butch women and effeminate men exist and many are perfectly comfortable with their sex, however some may have issues with their self image or identity that can lead to them questioning their gender identity. But allowing people to explore their gender identity is a good thing. Medical decisions should not be taken lightly of course, and I believe there is a discussion to be had about making sure that we do not allow people to make those decisions without speaking to professionals, but that is a different debate that I do not wish to get into now. However, having said that, the choice to medically transition is the choice of the individual. No doctor can tell you what is best for you, they can only help guide you to the right decision. The correct response to the increase in people identifying as transgender is not to invalidate them and tell them they cannot ever be “real” men or women, or accuse the transgender community of poisoning the minds of the youth. We should instead seek to be better educating our children, increasing the quality and availability of resources for transgender people, and providing everyone with the tools they need to discover who they are and make the right choices for themselves.

Defining women by their biology is a harmful ideology to hold, not just for transgender women but also for cisgender women. Womanhood is not reliant on whether or not you have a uterus. She is right in that it is also not defined by a love of pink or shoes. How to define womanhood (and manhood) is a difficult and nuanced conversation, one that I do not feel yet able to have. But an easy way to tell is if you feel and know in your heart that you are a woman then you are and you can claim womanhood. She takes issue with referring to women as “menstruators” or “people with vulvas”. It was actually the phrase “people who menstruate” that offended her enough to start this whole debacle. Women is a useful phrase, and it does need to be used when talking about women’s rights in general. But the article in question was talking specifically about menstruation. When menstruation is the issue at hand I cannot understand at all how referring to that fact is a bad thing. Trans men and non-binary AFAB people who menstruate need to be included in the conversation; menstruation is not a topic that is solely for women.

Lastly, she tried to speak out for women who were abused that are being “wronged” by the inclusion of trans women in women’s spaces. I understand more than most how hard it can be to recover and trust those who may remind you of your abuser because I have been there. I understand the need for safe spaces away from anything that may trigger you. But transwomen are not all going to trigger those who were abused by men, unless of course you still view them as men. Maybe a trans woman has a deeper voice or more masculine facial features that remind you of your abuser and that triggers you. That is not a personal attack against her, it is an unfortunate result of your abuse, but a cisgender woman may also have a deeper voice or masculine facial features that trigger you. If that’s the case then of course you need to decide for yourself whether you need to remove yourself from the environment for your mental well being. However, if you enter a woman’s space that has a trans woman in it and you demand her removal on the basis that she was born biologically male you are nothing short of transphobic. Whilst, yes, allowing trans women into these spaces would theoretically allow for predators to pretend to be transgender to access vulnerable women it simply does not happen. I can’t point to any studies to prove this, but I feel common sense says that the likelihood of a predatory man pretending to be a woman to access women's only spaces is much less than a predatory woman accessing these spaces. The world is a scary place filled with horrible people and it is impossible to barricade against all possibilities of harm. Barring trans women from these spaces is not going to solve the problem that horrible people exist and protect you from them. It will only harm trans women.

Gender is hard. It can be complicated. Especially for those older who are having to change how they think. But all that we ask is that you respect transgender peoples identities and pronouns, that you use inclusive language, and that you don’t fight against our rights to simply exist in this world with the right name and gender on our papers. It’s really not that hard to just be a decent person.

#i feel like this is something that should be attached to my public accounts #this is less personal ramblings and more of a thought through post to make my stance clear #jk rowling #transgender #not art

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pony-boy21 · 4 years

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The Journey Continues

As an individual who is constantly trying to figure out who I am and where I belong, is the biggest journey I have undertaken. I was never taught that I had the choice of gender, or that there was a possibility of living outside the gender binary. This self-exploration so far has been challenging, overwhelming, dark and scary at times, yet it has helped me understand myself better: with my thoughts, feelings, actions, and insecurities.

First off, you may ask what is gender binary? According to Psychology today; it refers to “the notion that gender comes in two distinct flavors: men and women, in which men are masculine and women are feminine. Men are male sex, and women are the female sex.” It can affect the clothes we buy, maybe the barbershops we go to, men's restroom vs. Women’s restroom. In fact, one of the first things you learn about your child is their sex at birth, which is typically assigned by their sex organs; girls have vaginas and boys have penises. Wait! The gender binary doesn’t end there; it affects maybe the color of their nursery, the clothes we purchase for them as well as the terms we use to describe them. Societal norms label boys as strong, tough, or handsome; while girls are labeled sweet, gentle and kind.

Quick history lesson, the gender binary is actually a fairly new concept; however, due to Christian colonization, we think that the binary has existed since the dawn of fucking time. When missionaries recognized that majority of indigenous cultures had three or more genders (known as two-spirit), the idea of extinguishing their beliefs and practices was a must. The Navajo call them nádleehí, in Siberia Chukchi are tribal shaman whose third identity designates them as spiritual leaders within their community. The Maori culture in New Zealand are known as wakawahine and in the Democratic republic of Congo, individuals are referred to as bangala.

How does this all fit into my journey? Well, I guess this is really just another coming out, a new discovery that was waiting to be explored, to be found, and eventually to be lived. I have been going through this narrative in my head for quite some time; let’s just say, once I became nutritionally stable during my stay at Rosewood Ranch. I am a person who questions, who wants to learn, and wants to understand more than anything. When it comes to myself, this drive is pushed into overdrive, because hey I want to be able to know these questions about myself and not feel so insecure all the time about understanding who I truly am. Since 2012 I have been out as a Transgender man. I thought that is all it took, to know that hey If I didn’t feel like a biological female, didn’t want my genitals nor my reproductive organs, and living my life socially as a female didn’t seem possible; when I thought about the idea of being a woman, a sister, a mother, a grandmother all that left a bad taste in my mouth, physically nauseous and lightheaded. I knew that if I wasn’t a woman the only option that I saw at the time was man. I whispered dad, brother, grandpa in my ear and the bad taste slowly subsided but always lingered. Something was off, but again something I couldn’t grasp or even comprehend an Idea outside the binary; when I didn’t even know such a thing existed.

Fast forward to 2020, there was still so much for me to learn beyond this label, and what transgender actually meant for me. Picking it apart and putting it back together. What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be transgender? Do I fit somewhere along this binary? Is there something beyond the binary? I kept on that struggle bus for 8 years up until recently. Once I returned home from residential, I consumed as much information about gender and the binary as I could. I talked with to so many people in and out of treatment who Identify on the binary spectrum as well as not on the spectrum. Many conversations of how they knew this is who they are down to their core. It’s hard to feel like you know who you are and after 8 years you realize that this has only been just the beginning of my transition. I have learned that I want facial hair, body hair, no tits, I don’t want my vagina or reproductive organs. I thoroughly enjoy having a lower voice and not too sure about bottom surgery still going back and forth with procedures. I also learned that having all these qualities can help you identify as a man (if you are on the spectrum) as well as not, just like myself. All these physical traits represent how my brain identifies my physical appearance that makes me feel more connected; at peace with myself. Being transgender to me means not identifying as my biological birth (AFAB-Female assigned at birth). I think just knowing that takes so much weight off my shoulders at times. I have spent the last 8 years of my transition forcing myself into a box literally that I can’t conform to. I have spent the last 15 years being forced into a box in every aspect of my life that has left me weary of myself worth, and at many times still had me questioning the existence of my life. You know the toy when you were a kid where if it was a square you had to put it in the square hole. I have been trying to shove/bash/fit/mold myself into a square hole when I do not even have a shape to put in, and yet I couldn’t see it all along. The idea of gender and keeping myself in this normal box has caused so much pain/trauma/hurt in my life and yet has kept me silenced for many years due to rejection/hate that I have experienced so far since starting my physical transition in 2012. When I think about what it means to be a man, I can give you qualities/traits/morals/values of a typical “biological male” I could go on and on and on, but when it comes to relating to myself and asking myself, what does it mean to be a man, Wyley? Everything goes fuzzy/blank because I try to figure how to fit myself into this binary that society has molded for me and I can’t do this anymore.... the idea of living a life inside the gender binary doesn’t fit who I am down to the core. Now this doesn’t mean I am invalidating anyone who is living a life within the binary, I just don’t Identify anywhere on the gender binary and that confuses the fuck out of me. So, the question exists in my head quite frequently, what does this mean for my gender identity? As per usual, I researched, messaged some folks, and watched tons and tons of videos. Here is what I found that profoundly fits with how I identify my gender; which is non-existent. The Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines Agender as “a person who has an internal sense of being neither female nor male or some combination of male and female. An article from an individual by the name of Adrien Converse which sums up my brain:

“I'm no gender expert. In fact, I don’t even have a gender. You’d be better off calling me a No-gender expert. Expert? Still not accurate? That would be like calling a tree a tree expert. It’s a tree. It knows what it’s like to be a tree, and it can thrive as a tree without being an authority on the science of trees. Agender is the world for a person without gender. Like me. So, this tree has had to learn a lot how to explain its existence, how it functions, and the fact that trees aren’t imaginary.”

What does it mean to be Agender? Agender is an individual who identifies as someone without gender. They can appear androgynous, like myself; Some can have bodies that appear more masculine or more feminine. Some people use gender neutral pronouns such as they/the, Ze/ZIr (such as myself) and many others. Some pursue hormones and some don’t, some get gender affirming surgery and some are completely happy with their biological makeup. In all honesty, a person's physical characteristics does NOT define their gender and, there is not one standard to be Agender or any gender really. Navigating society can be a challenge for folks who identify as not having a certain gender. Almost every interaction is gendered in some way; from clothing to mannerisms. You would be amazed at how much of everything we do revolves around gender. If your gender is part of the system, it’s easy to not notice.

#pony-boy21 #Transgender #Non-Binary #Agender

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uncloseted · 4 years

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lately i've been VERY confused about gender and sexuality (not mine, just in general, although more on that later). so i always called myself a lesbian because it made sense, im a girl i like girls. about 2 years ago i had a lot of internalized homophobia and i tried to be as feminine as i could so people would think i was straight. and i remember one time i thought "what if i'm a trans man and i'm doing this because i feel like i have something to prove". +

but then i thought "nah, i can't be a man (or non binary) i like girly things too much". but that's awful too. ellen always wears suits and has short hair and she's still a woman. jeffree star likes girly things and he's a man. but now i don't even know what IS a girl/woman. i mean i didn't choose to be a woman and i never had a chance to be anything else. but i don't think i ever wanted to be. even if i identified as "agender" and i still looked and acted the way i do know, society would still

be seeing and oppressing me as a woman, so at least to me, personally, it feels useless. but also, a lot of nb people (most of them are afab) identify as lesbians. it's very confusing. i never had any kind of dysphoria although i felt uncomfortable with my body, periods, and sex but i always thought it was because of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities and beauty standards. and i have a friend who's studying psychology in university and she told me dysphoria does not exist

trans girls. i think it depends on, like, how "far" they are in their transition?. i think i could be attracted, physically and emotionally but i couldn't have sex with someone with a penis. and i know even the most trans-positive people will tell you that it's ok to have a genital preference and not want to date trans people. but it still makes me feel horrible because it's like i'm seeing nb people as "more woman" than trans women. but also in all honesty it's very hard to "tell" cis people

from nb people. if you showed me a picture of jeffree star and jonathan van ness (or elena and syd from one day at a time, or amandla stenberg and king princess, or sam smith and harry styles) and asked me which one is nb, i wouldn't know. i would probably say jeffree. so i agree that monosexual (straight/gay) people will inevitably be attracted to nbs because nb is a spectrum, and also some people (I think all of us, in some way? maybe it's a controversial opinion) are gender non-conforming but

but don't identify as nb. does that mean we should change the definitions of gay/lesbian, since any gender could have any type of body and look as feminine and/or masculine as they want? do sam smith, jvn, vander von odd/sasha velour/gigi goode (all genderfluid drag artists) have male privilege despite not being men?. should we change the words feminism, sexism, misogyny, male privilege, etc for something more accurate?. honeslty i think a lot of this confusion is actually intrusive thoughts

and me just being an overthinker in general but it's been causing me so much distress that now every pronoun feels wrong and i can't even masturbate. please forgive the rambling, the buts, the incoherence and the ignorance. thanks in advance. oh and please tell me if this comes through in pieces and i will send them again

So there’s a ton to unpack here, but for the record, I’ve had this exact train of thought, too.

I want to preface my answer by saying that I’m not a gender scholar and I haven’t read nearly as many academic works as I’d like to on this subject, so this is coming very much from my personal opinions and less from an evidence-based/academic place. I also want to say that if pressed, I would describe myself as a pansexual gender anarchist (as in, attracted to people for who they are instead of their parts and I think we should get rid of the concept of gender entirely), but I think that sounds a bit wanky, especially since it has almost zero bearing on my everyday life. So I think the concept of sexuality and gender is maybe different to me than it is to other people, and my perspective on this topic might be unusual in that sense. If anyone reading this thinks what I’m saying is bullshit or problematic, please join in the conversation! I would love to hear what you have to say.

For me, the more I think about gender and sexuality, the more i don’t really “get” either concept. Gender has begun to feel (to me) like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes where you answer a bunch of questions and they’re like, “you’re rocky road ice cream” and you’re like, “I have no idea what that implies except for it’s the collection of traits I chose from the options above”.

What I mean by that is that gender is a social construct. No traits are inherently masculine or feminine- things that are considered masculine in one culture can be feminine in another and vice versa.

Especially now, when we’re really moving towards disentangling gender from our world, I wonder what’s left to take the place of those items to define what gender is. Gender used to be like “feminine is cleaning, nurturing, creating (or Barbie dolls, dresses, and makeup), and masculine is destruction, being powerful, and being ambitious (or football, beer, and video games)”, but clearly that’s not what it means anymore. Ellen’s suits are feminine suits by virtue of the fact that she IDs as female, even though suits used to be considered a male thing. Jeffree Star’s makeup looks are male makeup looks by virtue of the fact that he IDs as male, even though makeup used to be considered a female thing. I’ve heard some people say that there are as many genders as there are people in the world. At that point I think we’re just using the word “gender” as a synonym for “personality”, which is fine, but I think we need to be clear about our definitions and what these words now mean and imply about a person.

Going along that train of thought, if gendered words don’t really mean anything anymore, I don’t see the point as identifying as a particular gender, at last not in the abstract. In practice, our world still sees gender and cares about it, and other people’s interpretation of our gender has very real consequences. As you say, even if you identified as agender, society would treat you as a woman because you present in a way society considers to be “traditionally feminine”, and as a result, you would be oppressed in the same way women are. This is why I said that my position on gender impacts my life zero percent. I can identify as a gender anarchist all I want, but at the end of the day I still get passed up for opportunities because the way I present is read as female. Likewise, nonbinary people who were assigned male at birth do have a degree of male privilege (or at least, can access male privilege), depending on how well they “pass” as a man. Sam Smith likely still experiences some male privilege, because they look (most of the time) like what society might consider traditionally male. Someone like JVN probably passes less frequently, due to his long hair and frequent wearing of what we might think of as traditionally female clothing (skirts and dresses and high heels). However, the flip side of that is both Sam Smith and JVN risk being even more marginalized than female identifying, female presenting people when they do dress in a gender non-conforming way, because nonbinary identities are less understood and less accepted than female identities are.

So now that we’ve considered what gender means in relation to society, maybe let’s consider it in relation to our bodies and sexuality. This is a bit of a minefield so I’m going to try to tread carefully, but again, feel free to call me out if I say something problematic...

I don’t think being uncomfortable with your body, especially feminine features of your body that are widely looked down upon (for example, periods) or sexualized (physical features like boobs, butts, hips) necessarily makes a person trans or nonbinary. As you say, those feelings can be a result of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities, beauty standards, and dozens of other things. However, it is something many trans or nonbinary individuals experience. So the question then becomes, where are those feelings of discomfort coming from? Are they internal to you (as in, your body physically feels like there’s something wrong/those features shouldn’t be there) or external (you feel shame for having those features because of the society you grew up in)? It can be really hard to detangle internal influences from external ones, given that people who are assigned female at birth learn to hate our femininity and female bodies from a very young age.

I would say that if those feelings are internal to you, then that’s what referred to as gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is a real, ICD and DSM diagnosable condition, and there’s some evidence to suggest that there’s a neurobiological basis for it. My (very controversial) hypothesis is that gender dysphoria is like other body integrity identity disorders, where there’s a mismatch between the brain’s map of the body and what the physical body actually looks like. I want to make it clear here that I don’t think being trans is a disorder. I don’t think it’s bad or that all people who are trans have a body integrity disorder. I don’t think you need to physically transition to be trans, or that we should pathologize gender/gender expression, or that gender is a binary (hopefully that last one is obvious). I just think if society has less stringent gender divisions and a less binary understanding of gender, fewer people would physically transition, but some people would still experience a mismatch between their idea of how their body’s sexual characteristics should look and how they physically are.

So then, what does that mean for our terminology? I think in the context of a world where the meaning of gender is changing, gay and lesbian just refer to genitals (people with penises attracted to people with penises and people with vaginas attracted to people with vaginas, respectively). Or perhaps we need to separate it out further- maybe you can be romantically and physically attracted to female and male presenting people, but sexually attracted to only vaginas. Maybe that would fill the gap between being interested in a person romantically and being interested in having sex with their genitals, where you’re attracted to someone without yet knowing what’s in their pants? In general, though, I think labels should exist to be useful. I don’t know how useful it is to have a term for “I'm attracted to you, given that you have the genitals I’m sexually attracted to.”

I think under that framework of centering labels like gay and lesbian on genitals, a lot more people are pansexual than would identify that way if you took a poll right now. In general, I think a lot of people never recognize that they’re pansexual because they aren’t in contact with nonbinary or trans people that they’re attracted to frequently enough to know they don’t actually care about genital preferences.

When talking about other labels like feminism (the advocacy for AFAB and female-identifying/presenting rights), sexism (prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, generally towards female identifying/presenting people. but also towards gender nonconforming people), misogyny (dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against AFAB and female identifying/presenting people), male privilege (the system of advantages or rights that are available to men and male identifying/presenting people solely on the basis of their sex/gender presentation), etc., I think those terms refer to the societal construct of sex/gender that is still prevalent in our culture. We perhaps need to start using other words to describe discrimination against nonbinary people, but I think the existing terms continue to serve a purpose and it’s not time to retire them just yet.

I don’t know if any of this is at all helpful or if I’m expressing my thoughts clearly. Maybe it will just add more confusion to your existing thought process, but I hope it helps to minimize your distress at least a little bit. Ultimately, all of this is kind of made up, so don’t beat yourself up too much while trying to unravel all these different threads. People spend full academic careers and sometimes their entire lives trying to figure out what they believe on these issues. It’s okay to not have it all worked out or to not be sure in your ideas. Even for me, this is just where my thinking is right now. Maybe in the future it will change with new information I learn or as my feelings towards myself change. Try to let yourself think of this as a journey instead of something you have to already have figured out.

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

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nonbinaryresource · 5 years

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hello! im 18 and im just now questioning my gender. when i was younger, i was seen as a tomboy because of the "boy" things i liked. nowadays, i no longer feel comfortable referring to myself as "she/her" and i tune out when people do the same. i dont want to be called "he/him", but if you asked me to pick between being king or queen id pick the former. ive also got a disconnect between myself and my given female name. any advice? am i non-binary or just overthinking?

I think the only time someone can actually overthink their gender/their identity/who they want to be in general is when it gets to the point where it’s self-destructive. If these thoughts are causing or worsening depression, anxiety, self-harm urges, self-hatred, and they’re just causing a negative spiral, then it’s time to step back and give yourself a break and tackle it in small pieces as you are ready to do.

But simply questioning your gender and exploring the different things that make you more and less comfortable is not “overthinking”. That’s simply thinking.

However, I can’t tell you if you’re nonbinary or not. Being nonbinary isn’t a diagnosis, and there is no test you can take to give you the answer. Thinking about it is what you need to be doing in order to try and figure out how you feel and what makes you most comfortable.

As always, I’ll leave a gentle reminder that how you dress and the activities you want to do and the titles you use can help you sort out your gender, but these things alone do not define your gender. Cis folk can use whatever pronouns they want and whatever titles they want. Cis people can even pursue various physical transition steps. For a lot of trans/nb folk, their pronouns and titles and such do end up being the start of their questioning journey. These can be things that help them figure out what brings them the most comfort, happiness, and/or euphoria.

But if you want to start sorting out if you’re nonbinary, you need to start exploring the feelings that are deeper than these ways of presenting. How do you feel when you think of and refer to yourself as cis, as a woman? How do you feel when you think of and refer to yourself as nonbinary? Don’t just think about this for a couple minutes and decide you don’t know. If you think you may be nonbinary, then try out referring to yourself as and thinking of yourself as nonbinary! Try this out for a few months at least. You don’t have to share it with anyone if you’re not ready or don’t want. It’s okay to do this privately if that’s most comfortable for you.

After a few months of letting yourself think of yourself as nonbinary, then re-evaluate how you’re feeling in regards to your gender. Does it feel like the term has settled more than before? Does it feel more at home? Do you want to continue calling yourself nonbinary? Does calling yourself nonbinary feel more right than calling yourself cis? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then continue identifying as nonbinary! Sounds like you’re nonbinary.

If you answer no to most or all of those questions, you can still evaluate how you feel identifying as cis. Does it feel not completely right? Do you not want to identify as cis? Does something seem wrong or make you feel disconnected from calling yourself cis? If so, it could be that you’re not cis but that nonbinary just isn’t the right term for you or possibly you still need time to get used to calling yourself nonbinary. You can still explore other terms, though! Maybe genderqueer or genderfluid or demigirl, etc. - there are a lot of options you may find yourself more comfortable with.

Figuring out your gender can often be a slow process. There are no easy answers. You should be trying out different labels. Call yourself different genders. Most of all, give it a little time. I remember how extremely confusing and frustrating it can be to not just know, but many of us never just have some magical moment where it all clicks together. It took me years of questioning and trying out nonbinary before I finally realized I was and accepted I was nonbinary. It’s okay if it takes time.

Good luck!

~Tera

#mod tera #questioning #exploration #Anonymous

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blogadu · 4 years

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Ever since I had even the slightest inkling I might be nonbinary, I have dedicated a lot of time thinking about my gender. It’s weird to define. Though I don’t think I feel like a man, I don’t mind being misgendered as a man, because I know I outwardly appear entirely male, since I’m super self conscious and haven’t spent enough time in an environment where I feel I can experiment with appearance. Also, I’m multilingual, and German is a heavily gendered language, such that even if I did dislike it in English, I would have to deal with being considered male in the German language. I can definitely say that, given binary options, I will for the foreseeable future pick “male”.

That being said, I have had some interesting situations regarding this fact about me. One of the dances I’m in is entirely girls, apart from me, and the song is about a woman spurning her husband, who has cheated on her, and occasionally this came up relevant to the choreography, and when mentioning that men were trash, some turned to me and said, “sorry Kim”. I’m not sure if it is just the situation, but that is the closest I’ve ever been to outwardly announcing that I’m nonbinary. The other recent situation came up when I was discussing something I had done in the past, and the friend involved used “they” when referring to past me. Whether intentional or not, that was the first, and still the only, time that I’ve heard myself referred to with They pronouns. When thinking about it, they/them pronouns have felt equal to all other pronouns, but I think there is something different hearing myself referred to as “they”, and it just felt so good. I won’t stop accepting he/him pronouns, especially given the lack of gender neutral alternatives in other languages, but I think this even changed my preference. That being said, I also won’t go to my friends and tell them to start using they/them pronouns for me, because things are changing on an almost daily basis and I once I start using they/them it’ll probably be harder to go back to he/him, because if I ever feel that change, I’ll likely feel like a fake enby.

I’ve talked a lot about language, but not much about how I actually feel. It kind of changes on an almost daily basis and depending on my company. Recently, I have found myself wishing that I was afab, though I definitely know that I do not feel female. That being said, when I get to spend time with my friends, who are mostly female, I feel more free to explore femininity, but while I’m at home, I feel more masculine. When looking for terms to discuss myself, I felt a first rush of euphoria when I came across demigender. Vaguely male, but not quite. That was how I felt at the time. I’m not sure if I still feel like that, but I also have the fear that I just haven’t had a chance to explore as much as I want. My friends are planning some parties soon and, if we ever get back from this hell that is social distancing, I’m considering to go thrifting to find some rather feminine outfits. At this point, I’m sticking to the umbrella term nonbinary, which already causes enough confusion in cisfolk that haven’t been exposed to many LGBTQ+ people, and it gives me freedom to change my label if I notice a change in feelings without having to update my friends about that. I’m also wondering if I am genderfluid, or if it is just that, when the situation pressures me into representing my birth gender, I put on a convincing enough act that I convince myself as well.

This has been a lot of seemingly pointless rambling, but seeing the words in front of me makes it easier to sort my thoughts.

#gender #my gender #nonbinary

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didon · 5 years

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My two cents on this whole Taylor Swift drama

I normally only reserve my rants for tv shows, but I’ve seen enough crap in the last day that I kinda want to add a little to it.

First of all, I’m not a swiftie or whatever her die hard fans call themselves. Do I like some of her music sure, but there are other songs that make me cringe the same way there are things that happened with her that made me dislike her and others where I’m now looking back at and thinking that it was just me wanting to fit in and that it was ‘’cool’’ to hate on her. Cause I think that there really is a movement where you have to hate on successful women because they are not perfect until the point where they are no longer human beings but actual mythological creatures that we must revere or die otherwise (Beyonce and the Bee Hive come to mind). Has Taylor always been right? Nope. It’s that simple, she has done some not so great things and instead of trying to understand them, I just went with the motion of hating her because I thought it made me special (it did not).

Secondly, to the people saying that he didn’t bully her, that it was his client, remind me his job again? Dudebro is a manager. His job is literally to MANAGE people, to make sure that the celebrities he has under his care not only receive the best but are also perceived as great. Seems like him allowing Bieber to post a dig at a woman for no reason and then not issue an apology right after was a bad managing decision because the only thing it did is make him and his clients seem like pissy little boys that can’t take people not agreeing with him. Him allowing Kanye (because tell me how he could not have vetoed that whole video that I’ll talk about later) to show someone that he knew Kanye had a troubled relationship with naked WITHOUT that person permission is a bad management decision. Especially since it could have led to more than one lawsuits toward his client. I feel like a manager normally tries to avoid his clients getting sued. So either he allowed her to be bullied by his clients and probably had his own hand in it or he’s shitty as his job and should not be allowed to manage anybody. Because it has to be one or the other, there is no third options where he didn’t advise his clients not to do bad things and had no knowledge of it. If anything, he could have at the very least if that was the case wrote his own appology for being in Bieber instagram. No instead he chose to stay silent, giving his approval toward it and to keep people that were attacking a female celebrity for pissy reasons as clients.

Thirdly, concerning the whole Bieber thing. Dude has to stop talking. He is not someone that can truly speak having grown up being influenced by Dudebro. Didn’t he sign Bieber when he was still a minor and everything? And yet he allowed him to make a fool of himself more than once, to be agressive toward more than one person knowing that it could cost sales. Dudebro was both a bad manager and a bad friend toward Bieber. Bieber who seems to act as if a lot of his fanbase isn’t young influencable girls that he is pushing toward not only bad decisions like bullying someone else because the friend of a friend doesn’t like them and also supporting people that are homophobic. Because let’s remember that for a long time (and I think still now but I’m not 100% sure), Bieber was friend with this pastor who was known for being homophobic. You can’t call someone coming at your friend a bully, but then have one of your close friend be someone telling others that something they have no choice in makes them bad, evil in some cases and that the one person that is supposed to love them (I’m talking about God here for the Catholics) hates them. How many queer people are we going to lose to suicide because they are constantly told by some biggots that God hate them, that they are going against everything that is good, that they shouldn’t be allowed near children, etc.? And no saying that just because you attend his congregation and hang out with him doesn’t mean you don’t agree with him. This isn’t the same as someone prefering strawberry milk over chocolate milk, this is someone spewing hate to who not only are you giving a platform by being near them (because yes it does), but are listening to. How many young teens are going to see that guy and go ‘’hey Bieber follow him so maybe he’s right’’? When you chose to be a celebrity, yes it means that you lose part of your privacy, but it also means that you should be obligated to lend your voice to those who aren’t listened to. Taylor Swift did that with her letter against homophobia, with her video and her support of queer artists. Bieber does that by giving a biggot relevance and then getting mad when his ‘’friends’’ are called out on their bad behaviours.

Fourtly, the whole Kardashian/Kanye thing. I can’t believe it’s 2019 and it has to be addressed but it is NEVER okay to showcase somebody else’s naked body even if it’s for ‘’Art’’ without their permission. His video was not only revenge porn, it’s an attack on her. Revenge porn is mostly defined as sharing private pictures of someone. This isn’t the case. She didn’t send his a naked wax art of her body. As far as I’m concerned, this is straight up violating her privacy and her body. And not only hers but the one of everybody else included in that video. Sure he probably has the signed statement from his wife saying it was okay, but does he has the one from every single other person? Also stating where their wax double would be placed? Because I’m pretty sure that Rihanna wouldn’t have said yes to her body being exploited by a man and placed next to someone who’s biggest relevance is the fact that he ABUSED her. It’d be the same as a celebrity asking fans to stop drawing porn of them and then getting backlash from their fans because they believe that they own that celebrity body. Your body is your own and no egomaniac should be allowed to have a naked wax statue made of it and put it in his video. Speaking of videos, Kim’s one is void. Not only is it clear that the video has been edited, but it was ILLEGAL!! A court would not take it as proof of anything just based on this alone. This is the same as a cop breaking and entering to get proof to arrest someone because a warrant takes too long and he’s sleeping with the other suspect. I don’t care if she actually agreed to one line and not the other or whatever. The whole video is void and should never be mentionned because it’s something illegal that again violated someone’s privacy which a celebrity should really know about. Especially Kim. The whole claim that Kanye made Taylor famous is ridiculous too. Bitch didn’t make her famous, he made an ass of himself. She became famous with her own hard work and good strategy (something her manager might have a hand into). What he did at that award show was just stealing a moment from a woman because he was prissy he didn’t get his way. There’s a reason why Beyonce gave the stage to Taylor and that everybody got mad at him. He took a young woman achievement and try to ruin it because it wasn’t what he wanted. That shows clear immaturity and if anything it made him more famous that it made her. She wasn’t known as Kanye’s victim, she was known as a singer while he was known as the guy that made an ass of himself and ruined a 20 years old big moment. I don’t care who deserved the award more or if he was right, nobody else does it and for a good reason. I may not have always have agreed with award winners, but you haven’t seen anybody stopping Matthew McConaughey speach saying sorry to interrupt but Chiwetel Ejiofor had one of the best performance ever. It’s almost like his manager should have stopped him from making a fool of himself.

Fiftly, just a little mention for Demi Lovato that came to Dudebro defence. Girl is coming out of a very emotional situation, is probably not 100% okay yet so don’t send her hate. Plus, she has known him about two months and he makes money off her so he has probably not been a dick to her. Her entire defence may even have his hand in it since people around her may be employed by his company. I almost killed myself over a year ago and I know that I’m still very emotional and that people can still have a big influence on me depending on how I’m feeling. I can’t imagine being around people that may not have your best interest 24h/7. On her claim that he is not homophobic because he signed her though, I will say that she can’t refute somebody’s experience with the man simply based on her own especially since she’s a famous artist that probably brings him a lot of money. Plus, while she’s a queer woman that consider herself fluid (and good for her tbh), it doesn’t mean that she has the same experience as a gay person. She has (mostly) dated men in the recent years and biphobic people will use it as an excuse to say that while she is ‘’fluid’’ she’s mostly straight (which is bull, but that might be how they see her in her mind). She can’t come at a gay man and say that because she’s also queer, the man cannot be a bigot toward anybody in the queer community. Heck, queer people in the queer community are bigots toward other members. How often do we hear transphobia or biphobia coming from queer people? The answer is too often. Especially black queer people who are often erased from their own history (*cough* stonewall and camp *cough*)! My own father was super friendly toward a trans tennant he had, calling her by her name and the right pronouns like it was nothing, only using her deadname on the official papers since it wasn’t officially changed, but to me he told me that if I came out as trans he would kick me out because I am his daughter not his son. If you asked that woman than yeah my dad is a great ally, but she wouldn’t know how he interacts with other queer people including his own daughter.

Finally, on the whole master thing. Shut up. She wrote the songs so I don’t care who owns the right right now or if they gave her a chance to ‘’buy’’ them back. This is her own work. When Devianart started selling artists art without their consent because they ‘’owned’’ it, how many people did I see on this website calling for a boycott? How many people were pissed and swore that it was horrible and that no artist should ever lose the right to their own art? Well, it’s exactly the same for her. Yes even for those songs of hers I hate. She put her time, her effort in them and so they should be hers. The idea that some white dudebro has right over them is ridiculous. The fact that he will own her feelings, a part of her soul should be upsetting especially since one of his artist already violated her body by showing it naked without her consent. I would be furious if I was raped and a friend of my rapist got the right to some of my writing. Heck, I would probably be a lot more agressive than she was in that post. The fact that she managed to stay polite and calm is a miracle if you ask me. Especially since he will be making money of a video that his friend and client didn’t even deem good enough to win an award!! Cause let’s remember that as cringy as it might be to look back at how we were all obsessed with some of her music video (god knows I was even though I would have never admitted it at the time), a man representing someone who put her down for one of them is going to make money off them.

This is in no way acceptable and I encourage people to raise their voices against this and to keep those boys (because they are not men let’s be honest) accountable for their actions. Cause when Kesha needed help getting away from her rapist, Taylor Swift gave it to her and no matter how famous you are, you deserve to have people stand up for you. I’m not saying send hate, but keep holding men accountable for their shitty behaviours and for the creepy thing they say about women. We are not their objects, they do not own us in any way and we need to unite to stop them disrespecting us!! No matter your feeling on Taylor Swift and her music or her previous actions, this is something hateful that’s happening to her and women need to stand up and support each other! We own it to each other!!

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sarahmariepoet · 5 years

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Living life

I have to say this because it's important: I am a woman. I am not broken. I am myself. I am not going anywhere. I am free. I am free to be me. I love myself. I love who I am. I am not cisgender. I am transgender and I love myself. I am proud of myself and who I am and who I am becoming. My depression and anxiety do not define me. I love myself.

With all this said, one of my biggest dreams has always been to be able to get pregnant. I would love to be able to carry a child in me. Unfortunately, the body I have is not physically able to do this.

Although science is making more discoveries in regards to gender and bodies in gender, the ability to put a womb--and safely conceive and carry a child to full term and have the child safely--in my body is a long way off. This means that, more then likely, I will never be able to conceive a child.

This doesn't mean I'm any less a woman though. There are cis women who are unable to conceive children. They aren't any less women then a woman who is able to have children.

With that said, yes, it was something I struggled with for years. I couldn't fathom transitioning only to never have a cis body and be unable to fulfill this need that I still struggle with.

The truth of the matter was that I couldn't perceive being happy by transitioning. It wasn't that I only wanted to be pregnant, it was that I wanted to be happy. Being a cis female wouldn't make me happy if I still had to deal with depression and anxiety, which wouldn't magically disappear either.

This is something that I have had to consider and deal with while I am transitioning. Is coming out at work making me happy? To my family? To my friends? Not completely. Being honest with myself and coming out to me is making me happy. Yes, transitioning privately and publicly helps with that, but I started admitting this to myself fully prior to the hormones and prior to coming out publicly. Yes, I took hormones prior to publicly coming out, but that was my choice based on dealing with myself and realizing what was best for me.

What is making me happy is being honest with myself. I am far more happy with myself being myself. I had this discussion with my family recently. I can't continue to pretend to be a man. It physically and mentally hurts and drains me to pretend in such a way. Everytime I'm forced to pretend another part of me dies.

I may not be a cis woman but to pretend that I am not a woman hurts me more deeply in my soul then any other lie I've ever told or been told. To tell that lie literally sets me down a path of depression and anxiety, a path that would have ultimately led to my death.

This is important to mention because everytime someone calls me 'sir' it makes me wonder and question if I'm enough. Am I doing enough? Am I a fraud? I know I'm not and that I'm a woman but I still wonder. I wonder because of a lack of self esteem. I wonder because what if I'm not enough? What if I thought I could do this but I find I can't? Yes, I love myself and yes I'm strong but am I strong enough? Can I do this? Can I be myself?

I want to say yes but what if I'm wrong and what if those suicidal thoughts come back? The truth is that they never truly left. They're there in the back of mind haunting me because I don't know what to do besides to live as myself and hope that I find this happiness and love that has alluded me so.

Everytime someone calls me my birth name this darkness, this depression, reminds me I'm not good enough. Everytime someone mentions they know I'm transgender in a negative light. Everytime someone gives me pitying looks. Everytime I'm treated differently to a cis woman. Everytime someone makes a comment that I'm 'clearly a man'. Everytime someone shakes my hand roughly but wouldn't do so with a cis woman. Everytime people ignore me in conversations. Everytime I die a little inside.

These are real feelings that I experience because of this inability to be myself. These are issues I struggle with. This isn't meant to be stated for pity though. No, this is to point out that saying and doing these things can and will negatively impact others. I know not everyone can understand what transgender people go through. Understand though that we want to be treated with respect.

Calling me my preferred name but treating me like a man doesn't help either though. I've seen how people look at me and how they react to my presence and though there are people I know that have been positive there are certainly negative interactions as well.

The next time you see a transgender person in the bathroom act normally. They probably aren't interested in causing a scene or causing any issues any more then you are. You know what they want? To pee and poop in peace. That's it. Go in there, do your business, wash and dry your hands, then leave. That's what they want too.

Conversation in restrooms is fine--if that's what you do normally--but don't treat them differently and, certainly, dont leave the bathroom immediately upon seeing them in there or refuse to do anything and stare them down until they leave. That's just awkward for everyone.

The same goes for names and pronouns. You wouldn't bring up a married (or divorced) woman's old name, right? So why bring up a transgender person's birth/dead name? Whether they have changed it legally yet or not, respect their name. It's important because it helps them identify as themselves and not how they had to pretend to portray before. Help make them comfortable and happy.

As for pronouns, it's the same thing. Imagine that you wake up one day and everyone is using the wrong pronouns for you, despite you telling them the correct ones. They just refuse to use the right ones! Wouldn't that make you upset? Wouldn't that cause you distress?

Now, we are all aware that mistakes may happen. Don't make a huge deal over tiny mistakes. Either apologize and move on or commit (privately) to yourself to do better. Don't make a huge scene either. That just makes it worse and places them on the spot.

Above all else treat the transgender person just as you would any other person of their gender. This means treat a transgender man (someone identifying as a man) as you would treat any other man, a transgender woman (someone identifying as a woman) as you would treat any other woman, and a nonbinary person as you would treat any other human being.

For example, women have a certain way that they speak to and treat other women. Cis women, don't treat a transgender woman any differently. Help her out, offer her advice respectfully and privately (or in a group of other women if appropriate), let her know if her skirt rode up, ask her if she's okay or if she needs a hug. Don't hesitate to help her out when and if she needs it. Notice her bra strap is showing? Let her know discreetly. Her tag hanging out from the back of her shirt? Let her know or tuck it in discreetly just as you would for a cis woman. These are all things cis women have done for other women and a transgender woman is no different.

The same can be said for how you should treat transgender men and nonbinary people. Treat them as you would anybody and respect them and their identities. Don't hesitate to treat people as you normally would, regardless of how they identify, and treat them as you would anyone else who identifies the same.

I think the importance here is not treating someone differently just because they're different than you. A transgender person may not have had the same experience as you in behaving how they're gender identity behaves but that doesn't mean they are any less a part of their gender identity. It's important to remember that they're actively trying to be themselves and may not even know what that means yet.

If they're on hormones, like I am, there may be times they say or do something stupid. Anytime hormones get involved there is a chance a person will act differently then you're used to them acting. The same can be said about any big change though. This doesn't mean you need to give them space though. Giving someone too much space after you've been close or treating them a certain way then suddenly treating them differently can have a negative impact as well.

For example, I am very intune to the emotional state of those around me. If someone suddenly treats me different, I am far more likely to take it personal and wonder what I did wrong. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes this is detrimental.

Not everyone has an issue with--or even cares--about what one person does. With that said, there are times you can tell how one person is treated differently to everyone else and figure out why. I think this happens because people don't know how to treat transgender people. How do you handle someone who changes everything you thought you knew about them?

How does that affect you? Short answer. It doesn't. People change all the time. The difference is you thought this person was one gender and it turns out you were wrong. That's scary, right? Now imagine it from their perspective. They don't want to be the center of attention. I know I didn't and still don't.

Now imagine having to change at work, at school, coming out to family, worrying about name changes and gender markers on IDs, whether or not health insurance will cover normally-gendered medical issues (e.g. testicular or ovarian cancers) if you change your gender marker, being thrown out of businesses, their home, losing their jobs, or even being killed for being transgender. Do you accept these risks and no longer lie or cover up your identity for the chance to be happy by admitting and being yourself?

These are all things that transgender people have to consider and go through. So yes, my name is Sarah and I'm transgender and I want to be and am happy. It's not perfect. I'm not perfect. This is my life and it's certainly not perfect but it is my life. And you know what? I'm living it.

#transisbeautiful #transgender #trans pride #lgbtqa #lgbtpride #lgbtq community #lgbtq #lgbt rights

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greaserink · 6 years

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Paint the Town Red Pt. 1

Wilford Warfstache x FlapperReader

(Female pronouns)

((Sorry if this is messy, this is my first story. Feedback would be loved.))

Y/N smiled to themself. You understood that getting enough sleep is what you needed after working up a sweat whilst busy with business today, so you have finally found yourself in bed slowly going to sleep. Once your head hit the pillow however, there came a ringing sound from down the hall.

Reluctantly, y/n had to peel their body from the covers and shamble down the hall only to raise the phone to your ear and groggily address whoever was calling at this time of the night whenever it may be.

“Y/N, get over here, now. I need your help. I…. I can’t speak just get over here ri-”

There came a clash in the background, causing your heart to jump into your throat then back down. You called out but no one answered. Nothing could quell your anxiety now, so you acted on a spur and ran get to Mark’s house, the voice that was one the end of the phone which seemed to be in obvious distress.

Y/N ran out of their house and into their car, scratching the sides of the keyhole with the key not being able to calm down. You knew you couldn’t leave him alone, there was something in his voice that just didn’t seem like him, and whenever you were around Mark never have you ever heard him this distressed.

--------------

Your knuckles scraped on Mark’s front door, rapidly hitting it in a sporadic fashion. Nothing. Nothing answered, so you tried again but this time you did it with the end of your bat from the side of the door, hiding from view of anyone who would answer it. You felt a rush of adrenaline run through you which forced you to take a steady breath, it seemed to die in your throat though; this time someone pulled the door open and you took your swing, but your bat stopped in mid-flight.

“Dear GOD, what- Y/N??” Mark asked, obviously alarmed at your closeness with the bat.

“Mark? Are you okay? Are you hurt? I came here as quick as I could to see what was the matter, you sounded like someone was holding a gun to your head! Is everything okay-”

“Yeah everything's fine, well, no one is hurt but I need you to come here.”

He grabbed your shoulder and pulled you inside from the porch while his other hand grabbed your bat out of your hand and sat it aside knowing based off of your nerves before everyone around you would be in mortal danger. You felt his large hand that was on the small of your back lead you further into his house; with every step you noticed how disheveled the house looked. Shards of broken plates on the floor, clutter on every piece of furniture, a scorched rug now on the kitchen counter. There was so much noise in front of your eyes with it being so cluttered, it was hard to keep your eyes looking at one place.

“I need your help, don’t ask questions because I don’t have answers either. What I supposedly thought was a character that I made up is now currently in my living room.”

Well that wasn’t what you were expecting to hear.

“I… what? How, first of all. You aren’t making any sense. How could characters that I know YOU created can physically be in your house, your living room of all things.”

“I told you not to ask, I don’t know what is happening either. I thought about calling the cops, but I scrapped that idea when he didn’t like that concept, then that was when mayhem ensued. You remember them, right, the ‘egos’? He even held a gun to my head. I have been trying so goddamn hard to just survive. Then that was when I tried calling someone, that is you by the way, and…. and that didn’t turn out well as you probably heard,”

You definitely couldn’t disagree there.

“Well are you hurt?”

“No, thank God. I talked them into staying in the living room as I got you here.”

“What do you expect me to do? Talk him into calming down? I am not the person who is qualified to even talk to a person who doesn’t exist..?” your voice trailed off at the end as you questioned what you were even saying.

Mark seemed to get what you are trying to say and stopped you in the middle of the hall.

“There is a reason as to why I called you here rather than Tyler or Kathryn-”

“And tell me why I am the supposed ‘chosen one’?”

“I don’t even know if this is going to even work, I just thought that you would be the best person for the job based off of his… god help us… ‘eccentric’ personality. You seem to have a grasp on many topics he likes.”

“THAT’S what makes me qualified? Mark, you can’t be serious. Just call the police! This has to be a sick joke.”

Mark shook his head as if though he already knew these things and then looked you up and down.

“Look, please, do this for me. You don’t think I am not a second off from calling the cops? He isn’t someone you can easily call the cops on. He’ll probably mess with the wires or something.”

Mark looked into your eyes as he held you in place, trying to show that he was his most serious. God, you already know you won’t win this fight. You gave out an exasperated sigh and nodded your head. This definitely sounds like a situation where you are sending yourself to your doom. Mark lit up for a second before furrowing his brow and walking you towards the living room.

“Now, if he tries to pull anything on you, call me. Okay? Don’t give it a second thought, just call me.”

“Alright, alright. Call you. Got it. Not the cops because heaven forb-”

You paused right in the middle of your sentence once you finally made your way towards the living room. In the middle of it with his back towards you was a pink suspender cladded man, tinkering with a small pocket watch only for it to bust right open and discontinue ticking. You noticed his air of what one can only be defined as “old sophistication”, this in return caused you to smile to yourself because you yourself strive for it. He glanced around as he inserted the pocket watch back into his pocket, almost as if though nervous about someone seeing him breaking it. That is when his eyes fixated right to yours; his neat wax lathered pink moustache lifted up as he smiled courteously towards you.

“My my! Mark, if I had known you were going to have company I would have spiffied up a little. What even is ruder is that you still haven’t introduced me yet to this absolutely charming young woman we have in our presence.” Wilford winked into your direction and smirked, only for you to glance away and smile bashfully.

Boy, he sure definately had a strange accent.

To this, Mark only took a deep breath in and looked to the side as if though he was trying to pull himself back together.

“Y/N, this is Wilford Warfstache. Wilford, this is my friend Y/N. She came in to stop by for a moment but it seems they arrived at a rather inconvenient time,” he said, trying his best to give Wilford the impression that he didn’t specifically ask you to come here and it was all just a coincidence.

Wilford’s eye lit up as he bowed his head in your direction.

“Oh dear, I didn’t mean to ‘intrude’ on your guy’s party together! Perhaps your guy’s duo can be a trio?”

“Well, they only came to stop by, she won’t be here long. Then us two will have nothing but each other’s company.” Mark feigned a smile to Wilford which Wilford in return scrunched up his nose.

“Although, heh, I do loooove your company, dear Mark, perhaps I can escort Y/N back to her place once she is, uh, finished with her work here?”

You jumped slightly when you glanced from Mark to where Wilford once was, just only to find Wilford linking arms with you already and leaning close as he smiled goofily. You couldn’t help but giggle at the comical way Wil held himself always.

“I don’t know, Wilford. She wasn’t expecting the whole situation at all.” Mark looked down at you and nodded his head.

“It is awfully late, perhaps having someone join me will keep me safe? As young as I am, a man such as you could easily protect me from anything that goes bump in the night.” you said, noting his ego starting to get the best of him.

“Well it is my sworn duty as a man to help a lady when it is needed. Now, perhaps we can head off and get you back home? It is nearing six already.”

“SIX?!”

You scrunched up your face and glanced at Mark then back to Wilford, not understanding how it came to be this time.

“I called you a little later after five.” Mark said.

You didn’t realise that you had stayed up later because of your work only for you to get to bed around five and have to get up then too.

“I suppose one can lose track of time if you do what you love doing.”

“And what, darling, is it that kept you so late from stopping you getting your beauty sleep?”

You glanced over to Wilford and looked away quickly when you noticed he was directly looking at you. You had started to get red in the cheeks from embarrassment.

“Er, well, I am zealous for anything and everything that has to do with the ‘Roaring 20’s’, I have studied their way of living back then and have come to actually implement it into my life.”

With each and every single word you spoke, Wilford’s eyes would light up more and more. He suddenly turned his whole body towards you and gazed at you with pure amazement.

“Really? Oh how splendid! I myself have been known to dabble in such a lifestyle as well; the dancing, parties, fun and laughter, and all that jazz. Oh, jazz! I have never been able to put my finger quite on it but I have involuntarily leaned towards such a lifestyle. Especially with jazz. You can’t go wrong with jazz when it comes to rocking the floor with the grandest of dance moves.”

You lit up just as bright as him, sharing his same excitement, finally finding a person who was a fan of living the high life and dancing the night away. You yourself, since you were a kid, found great pleasure in such things. To think, a man such as he would find it interesting too. Him of all egos. But you have hidden it away from most, most except your closest friends such as Mark.

That’s why he wanted me to come.

Wilford linked arms with you once again and pulled you close, finding great happiness with pulling you along from the side of Mark and out the door. You knew you couldn’t put up an argument, nor did you really want to, but you were only given enough time to wave goodbye to Mark as you two now made your way to explore and get to know one another. Mark grinned and waved, finally rid of the man, but as soon as he looked around his whole air changed.

Now all he had to do was pick up this mess. By himself.

#wilford warfstache #wilford warfstache x reader #flapper #1920s #markiplier egos #markiplier egos x reader #markiplier #reader insert

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old-aout-save · 4 years

Text

Reidentified woman

Frequently asked question that I will leave the very long response to here, “How did you go from being deeply entrenched in gender ideology and mainstream transactivism to being what many would call a terf?’

Here’s my first draft, not super coherent but I’ll probably edit it down at some point: You may notice it getting less coherent as it goes on lol

Basically a lot of stuff just didn’t add up and I couldn’t maintain that level of cognitive dissonance.

Sexuality: –If sexuality is about an inner sense of “gender” and not what sex people are, how and why have homosexual relationships have been and are still persecuted? –Doesn’t it make everyone bisexual? If everybody can be attracted to anyone who looks like anything as long as they “identify” as the “gender” they are attracted to, what even defines sexuality? How can you be attracted to a gender? As in, what’s the difference between a male who calls himself a man and a male who calls himself a woman who both look the same that would supposedly cause a lesbian to be attracted to the later but not the former? –Is it possible for a woman to be only attracted to vulva? To be not attracted to any dick ever? Surely it has to be possible, claiming it’s not possible sounds exactly like forcing women to like dick, denying their own attractions and how they know themselves. Claiming everyone must like dick. That’s fucked up! And that’s what happens when sexuality is about “gender” instead of sex. Sexuality being about sex just makes sense, it makes the categories of heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual have actual meanings –What rights do a male and female in a relationship lose if the female identifies as a man? They are still legally allowed to have sex, get married, and be together in public, all the privileges that come with a heterosexual relationship. Is it not wrong to claim that that relationship is homosexual? Doesn’t it make a cruel joke out of the actual gay experience? –It just kept sounding like sick conversation therapy to hear gay people called horrible names and bigots for saying that they are only attracted to the same sex. Especially those posts about how gay people can “learn” how to love/enjoy sex with a trans partner Sexism –No one could provide a solid explanation for why it’s alright for a male to claim to be female but bad for a white person to claim to be black –No one could provide a solid definition of woman. If anyone who “feels” like a woman is a woman, what does it feel like to be a woman? Do little girls forced into marriage and fgm all “feel” like girls? Do the women who experience acid attacks and sex trafficking “feel” like women? How is it not sexist for men to say “I always liked playing with barbie and I want to have long hair and wear makeup, therefore I must be a woman” or worse “I’m quiet and prefer doing my nails to sports so I must be a woman” They are taking stereotypes and making them the definition of woman. –I realized, there are as many different ways to be, look like, have interests, act, feel, dress like, a woman as there are adult human females on this earth. The only thing you can say all women have in common, is being born female, otherwise it’s just sexist. –Socialization is a thoroughly studied subject. Trans identified males still commit crimes at the same rate as other males, not at the same rate as women. If there is one way to “act like a man” science says so far the way to do that is to be violent, and transwomen fit the bill. Basically no scientific reason that having dysphoria actually makes someone the opposite “gender” or sex. –Following the last point, I kept seeing information on women’s spaces being taken away. If transwomen were “women” theres still plenty of evidence that being female-bodied is an axis of oppression. And yet, any female only spaces are continuing to be taken away, they don’t care about female oppression and deny it even exists. Transwomen wanting access to female-only spaces just displays their male entitlement even more, goes to show they aren’t women. –For example, bathrooms, prisons, sports. Women fought for these spaces and now men are invading them, and we can objectively see it’s causing harm and danger to women and girls. Even if transwomen were women, they would still have male socialization, and be literally physically male, and that would still make them dangerous to women. –The way transwomen sexual predators are treated. They are treated like victims as well, people defend using women pronouns for them and criticize you for not doing the same before they criticize the transwoman. They are still famous. Or, people claim that those weren’t “real” trasnwomen. Which makes me think, how do you tell the difference? How do you tell who to let into the bathroom then? And really, no true scotsman fallacy. –The way they claim an inverted penis is the same as a vagina. It shows a deep carelessness for the true nature of female biology, what it’s meant for. It shows they think of vaginas as just sockets to have sex with and nothing more.

The way Dysphoria is treated –The checklists to take to see if someone is trans are the exact criteria you could use to tell if someone is gay or will grow up to be gay –Statistics show that children who are very nonconforming and uncomfortable in puberty will most likely grow up to be gay. Transing these kids seems like a way to make them straight, like how gay people are forced to transition in Iran. –In the community any questioning of one’s “gender” is met with You’re Trans. This doesn’t account for the fact that gender roles is what’s used to oppress women, to make them weak, small, submissive, restricted. Of course women are uncomfortable with their gender! Also consider that all sex characteristics of women are plastered all over the place in ads, movies, music videos, extremely sexualized, degraded, objectified, ogled by everyone. So of course women develop in puberty and then feel like they Don’t Want that, they don’t want to be a walking object! Breasts for many women are a cage, a sign that you are for male consumption, it’s hard to be reminded of being a woman in this society. But transactivism doesn’t care about that. If you question the norm, you’re actually a man. –The community is full of ways to get transition materials Fast without questioning the other reasons for dysphoria and without trying other methods of recovering from dysphoria. They say, if you have dysphoria you must be trans. No one says, talk therapy can help you recover from dysphoria the same way it could help you recover from anorexia. Just change yourself! –By getting materials Fast I mean, access to binders, hrt, and surgeries. They tell 14 year olds how to buy binders and encourage them to do it without encouraging them to talk to older butch women, older dysphoric women, detransitioned women, anybody. They don’t talk about how even binding “safely” can still cause permanent damage, about how optimally a person should be able to love their body just the way it is. They talk about how to get hrt without even having to see a therapist, about how young it’s possible to get hrt. How young it’s possible to get a mastectomy. While you’re young do it now as soon as you can never talk to a therapist go for it! –How detransitioned people are treated as never having been trans, as never having been truly dysphoric, as people who are trying to trick you and deceive you into denying your true trans nature, as people who are denying their true trans identity in the same way that christian homosexuals are denying their homosexuality. They act like saying therapy should be the first option is the same as trying to “pray the gay away”. –Hrt and surgery is treated as glamorous and the details are hidden. Just take “top surgery” and “bottom surgery” for example. Never “mastectomy” or “colo-vaginoplasty”. Experiences in my life that added to what I saw in the news –I was identifying as a “gay trans man” for a while. I have/had dysphoria and have been dating a man. What basically never made sense to me was that we could go out in public, get married, etc and never face any discrimination. So what makes our relationship gay? Furthermore, homophobes I met were perfectly fine with us dating. Even after they found out I identified as a man, they didn’t care that we were dating or see it as a sin, they just hoped I’d learn to accept myself one day. What they care about though? That my boyfriend is bisexual. Because Same Sex Attraction is what makes someone gay or bi, it’s what homophobic people hate. They were against my boyfriend’s same sex attraction, not his supposed same “gender” attraction. –A transman in a support group I went to would complain that people don’t see her (heterosexual) relationship as gay! imagine that, complaining that people view you as a straight couple, a safe, socially accepted, straight couple. –I saw a gender therapist and basically said I hate my breasts and enjoy being referred to and seen as a man, and she was like “that’s valid” and told me where I could get hrt. I could have even gotten hrt without having to see a gender therapist, as an 18 yer old! That was 11 months ago, and look how much as changed. If I had decided to take hrt, I would have regretted it so soon, simply because I have since been given actual information on the topic. 18 is really not old enough to make that decision, especially when the trans community has so much thought control and discourages questioning. I needed a therapist who could talk to me about the pain of being a woman in this society, about Why I want to be a man and not just accept “I feel like it” as an answer. In summation, so many questions I had but nobody could answer or would just call me a terf for even asking, so much blatant sexism and homophobia. It just didn’t add up.

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thetransangels · 7 years

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Regarding: gender non-conformity does not equal being trans... I struggle with this concept on a daily basis. Am I solely a gender non-conforming male or am I a trans woman? It varies from day to day. I read up on what it means to be trans incessantly. I have considered myself gender non-conforming for a long time, though only recently embraced it outwardly. But now I'm wondering if that's "enough" for me to be happy. I do feel like I'm a woman, but what makes it so? How would I know?

The answer that you are looking for is Gender Dysphoria. Many people do not know that they are trans because they do not know what dysphoria is.

I knew I wanted to be called male and look male but there were more to it than that. I knew this when my mum asked me if I could just be “a girl who dresses like a boy” or “a lesbian” even though I am attracted to men.

What she said certainly did make me think because I was only familiar with gender roles. I did not know that girls could live the rest of their life as gender non-conforming, even though I knew masculine women existed, it just did not fit with what I felt inside. It wasn’t that I wanted to be masculine, I just wasn’t female.

Growing up in a gender role society, we assign behaviours and appearances to each sex. A lot of us have been in that place where we say “I feel like a girl/boy” because what we know as being a girl/boy is the role we assign to them.

Example: A woman is seen as someone with long hair, who is feminine and timid, wears makeup and dresses, etc. A man is seen as someone who has short hair, muscle, dominant, etc.

For me, when I said, “I feel like a boy” although this was driven by wanting to be in a male role (meaning I wanted people to refer to me with male pronouns and 'look' typically male), when I did live in a male role there were more to it than that.

What is important to think about is that, taking all of the stereotypical behaviours and appearances away from what has been assigned to women, what is a woman to you? What does it mean for you to be a woman?

I really do not see any other explanation but sex, the biological differences between men and women. This is why trans people have dysphoria because aside from roles, our sex is not what it should be.

Dysphoria is when you truly insist yourself to be the sex opposite to your biological sex. This causes some sort of disconnection with your body and what you know it should be.

For example, as a man, I was born female and I am distressed with my female body because it is not meant to be female. I know that it is my body, it is just that my sex characteristics are not meant to be there and I am lacking some.

I remember I had teachers try to persuade me with their own experiences, that they were tomboy’s growing up until their 20s and others who said that they were still a bit of a tomboy because they believed that I was changing sex to be gender non-conforming. The issue is that there really is something deeper that tells us we are not our biological sex and the only way I can define that deeper sense, is dysphoria.

If being gender non-conforming was the case for many trans people, believe me when I say that we would not go through so much to be recognised as our true sex. I did not want to just dress masculine and look male, I was male and it was very hard for me to express how I knew I was.

Note: I am not using the term gender or gender identity to define myself because gender by definition, has always referred to the cultural and social roles assigned to each sex and that is not what defines me.

There was simply something inside telling me that no matter what, I am male. I think what made me be confident that I was trans, was that I remembered all the memories in childhood that I can now recognise as signs of sex and social dysphoria.

I can’t imagine how much more difficult it is for someone who did not have some sort of feeling in childhood that something was different and wrong because other than that, I would have nothing to back me up.

It is possible that you may not realise you have dysphoria but I’ll go through it with you. I would recommend, if you are able, to visit a gender specialist if this is distressing you.

In the DSM (particularly used in the USA), there is a criteria that you must fit to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria.

“In adolescents and adults gender dysphoria diagnosis involves a difference between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, and significant distress or problems functioning. It lasts at least six months and is shown by at least two of the following:

1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender4. A strong desire to be of the other gender5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender”

In the UK, a cross between the DSM and ICD-10 is currently used:

“A desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by a sense of discomfort with, or inappropiateness of, one’s anatomic sex, and a wish to have surgery and hormonal treatment to make one’s body as congruent as possible with one’s preferred sex.”

I personally see a lot of issues with this diagnostic, particularly the language and flexibility with gender non-conformity but I hope with this explanation that you may have related with Gender Dysphoria, and if not, that you understand that being gender non-conforming is something you should not be ashamed of. It may be tough but it is okay to be GNC.

Best of wishes,

Caleb

#anon #questioning #dysphoria

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