#and suddenly im down to like. a rice cake for breakfast and cucumbers for dinner bc everything else scares me

[slutabedvents]

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#mich vents #tw: eating disorders #the thing that sucks is like rn i can totally focus on food and eating healthy and staying within a reasonable calorie range #but it's bc im not working right now and i feel like it takes all my energy focused on food to get to a point that i'm losing weight #or even just maintaining #like rn it's not hard bc im not working so i have time for it but like #i have to be so smart and so strategic bc of the unhealthy habits ive picked up over the years #like. i dont know how people maintain their weight on intuitive eating #i have to be so diligent and so intentional with my eating throughout the day #tracking every calorie and being strategic about if i eat xyz at breakfast i have to do this and that for the rest of the day #maybe over time i build up the habits of eating like i am rn and it just becomes second nature #but idk i do this every time where i think im being normal about food just tracking my calories #and suddenly im down to like. a rice cake for breakfast and cucumbers for dinner bc everything else scares me #and then i binge and fall off the wagon and the cycle repeats itself until im [redacted] amount of pounds again #and rn im the heaviest ive ever been so it's taking so much longer just to get to like. areasonable weight let alone any of my goal weights #sometimes it really just drives me crazy like #i've wanted nothing more than to be skinny my entire life since i was 11 years old #and somehow my stupid fucking brain can't just be normal about food and make it happen #im trying rn and it's so slow and this time it seems possible #but that's how it seems every time until i eat one meal out with friends and gain all my weight back and lose all motivation and binge and #etc. #anyway uh #sorry for like. being a fat fucking failure who can't be normal about food