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#and tagging about 100 more that are in my drafts so I can start clearing this out
minheeskitten · 4 months
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"2k is long" is also nonsense i'm so sorry 😭 2k is barely anything if you're trying to introduce an AU and actually flesh in a setting and especially if you're trying to show different personality traits 😭 your fic are mostly AUs with really well thought out lore, and it needs the word count to breathe and establish everything. if someone's attention span is too short to read more than - what - 2 pages? that's their problem, not yours! fwiw, my fic lengths range with the shortest starting at around 5k and the longest getting close to 30k and i have never had anyone leave a complaint about the length! people are more than willing to sit through 10k+ just to get to the smutty stuff, and they usually end up enjoying the rest of the fic as well. do not worry about it! you're doing just fine 🩷
I don't often look at the length of a fic unless im updating someone on how long its getting. My shortest wip is 100 words. And. Ive posted it to here bcs i feel it'll never be finished.
If it does get finished eventually then i will post it as a fic but. Until then it sits in my drafts.
My fics almost always include worldbuilding to at least 3k now. Though not all of them were like that.
Do you want in on a secret? I don't think out the world for my aus. It fleshes itself out. I think on what may happen n go from there. The story writes itself. I am just a vessel for the words and visions.
I am absolutely terrible at worldbuilding if im doing it consciously.
Its why i have visible headcanons for idols. But i just can't put them into words haha.
The most i think through is 'what sort of details would enhance this and make it better to read'
And then thats where i go from!
Siren!ivan was originally supposed to be more non-con than it is rn. The consent is not proper consent tho but thats bcs. Well. Siren wants what he wants and he will convince dann to give it to him.
Though. Thats a little bit of a spoiler. It is going to be tagged accordingly. Don't worry ill tag fics right.
The fic i thought through the most, probably is one ive not even started wtiting. The dissection fic. I gotta do all sorts of research so i can make sure its accurate and well done.
Which unfortunately means i gotta look at anatomy from a more medical standpoint. Need to go find a book for that..
The first fic i put out actually has a very strong plot hole. That i told myself id patch before posting it but. I didn't.
That plot hole was the reasoning as to why ivan was doing that to hwon. It has a very weak reason and i could absolutely fix it now. But. Not this year.
I write ab 5k minimum most of the time haha. I prefer letting the story fill itself out n then helping fine tune details. Its why i really can't tell you how long a fic may be.
So far my longest fic is 16k words. Published. Theres more unpublished. That's for the abandoned but not orphaned one.
I may return to it eventually. That's why i didn't wanna orphan it.
All of my fics stop at a point they organically would have stopped at. When i feel it can't really take another scene. I end it. That usually leaves spaces for part twos to them as well!
But i like exploring aus as i write them.
Fun fact! I write aus bcs im worried that if i do anything else i may accidentally copy someone else's idea.
I do get inspired by the other kd writers. Oh gods do i get inspired.
Lee, lunar, eve, even erin, who encourages the hwonicide. They all inspire me in their own ways. Does that usually come in the form of a prompt to note down asap? Yeah.
But other ways are helping with details for fics. And they are all very welcome to chat ab fics w me. I don't steal ideas. Not without permission and changing it to be my own.
I have a prompt that is inspired by eve's fic Clear My Mind (eve is karmacumover btw!)
But it is different. I may show her the prompt itself if she wants to see it haha.
But i love working on fics. Even if I can't be proud of them as a 'look i made this!' i can still look at the work and go 'yeah. Thats good.'
Thank you lee for helping me figure out how to do that. It was amazing to be able to step back and go 'thats a good story' if i removed myself from it.
The lee im referring to here is intenselysalmon. So she knows who im referring to.
One day. One day my goal is to be proud of how much I've written. Of what I've written.
Its a goal i think is far away. But the more i talk to other writers. The more i realize.
Im not as bad at writing as i think i am.
Honestly id never even considered myself a good writer, until i asked writers like lee and erin their feedback on my works. And they both said i write well. Maybe a little dialogue heavy but. Thats fine i can work on it.
Im doing my best. And im trying to ensure i continue getting better.
The more i talk to other writers and see how they talk ab my writing. The more i go. 'maybe im too harsh on myself' but. As they say, you are your own worst critic.
Honestly i never even considered my work good enough to do much with. But. Lunar still offered to possibly do a collab or fic trade. And i keep thinking on it. Maybe.
It makes me think they find me a better writer than i find myself to be.
Then i see eve, reacting to some of the xlips of airen!ivan ive put out. And she's reacting as i would for any of lee's clips. I find lee an amazing writer. It seems eve thinks of me that way too.
Im trying to wrap my head around it. But the reason i am so harsh on myself is. Anxiety and self doubt. And i need to work through them.
Thats the first time ive admitted that.
I will work through my weaknesses, and be better than before. Slowly. It takes time. I have to be patient.
One day. One day i will be able to proudly say 'im a good writer'
Its not today. But. It will be an eventuality.
Moots mentioned in this post:
Lee (@intenselysalmon )
Erin (@kurenaiwataru )
Eve (@karmacumover )
Lunar (@kingdoms-babygirl )
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stitchthesewords · 1 year
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I see your tags about the rendubs divorce arc + Ren running off with Bdubs' ex + Bdubs declaring himself king because he can do it better, and I hear you loud and clear
But I am now here with a counter offer, aka you got my thoughts spinning and this relates to a fic I started but never finished because writing angst makes me too sad. (this ask that ended up way longer than I thought it would oops)
What if renthubs polycule (or some flavor of poly hermits i'm not picky) where the three need some time to mentally recover and process the whole king arc. Ren goes to Doc, Etho goes to his single player world and Bdubs goes to Empires.
Doc ends up helping Ren get through his anxieties and fears after being king, including his dynamic with all the people in the rebellion and the feeling that his friends and partners would hate him for everything, which is of course not actually true. And I think that Ren is the type of guy to process things relatively quick and be able to bounce back. So once he is more stable, he follows everyone to empires.
Bdubs runs away through the rift and declares himself a god on Empires, which shows you about how well he is (not) coping with everything. To me, he is the type to loudly declare that he's over it, but he ends up festering the emotions, particularly when no one else is really talking about the king anymore. He's fine, why wouldn't he be fine, he's a god. (side eyeing joel here as well after dl)
Then Etho. Hmm. I think he isn't as bothered by it by the other two but I'm not 100% sold on that either. There has to be a certain melancholy to knowing your partners aren't in the best headspace and not really being able to do much about it. And the guilt about fighting against them and having to be part of the group to kill them. The third life memories would have to be coming in at full force. It may be lower stakes on hermitcraft but I don't think that matters when the memories are that emotionally charged.
I think that in the chaos of the empires collab and then the start of a new year with new projects and tcg and everything, the three don't really get a chance to sit down and talk. Bdubs is hiding away in the monolith drafting up visions of another grand castle base. Etho and Ren see each other more often with tcg matches and, through a number of casual interactions surrounded by other hermits, decide that maybe it would be time to talk. And there wouldn't be a better excuse to talk than a big project.
So the boat race idea is born. Etho and Ren go out to the ice spikes and scope it out. They end up around a fire made of some spare wood and end up talking well into the night. It starts out with plans and slowly ends in a heart to heart, where they finally express their struggles with everything and their commitment to each other going forward. They fall asleep cuddled together in a sleeping bag under the stars.
And bdubs is still festering. He doesn't stop long enough to realize. His days are filled with planning and designing and gathering materials. He works himself to exhaustion so he is too tired to think about who and what he is missing. He's fine. He builds a throne room.
Em you have no idea how insane this ask made me I am. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
GOD! GOD! You are soooooooo right about how they would each react and recover/not recover tbh. And its like - Ren isn't 100% but he's like. He's getting there and being up and moving around will help him out - and Bdubs just. HHHHH Bdubs throwing himself into his work to hide from his woes while putting on the 'I'm FINE! ACTUALLY!!!" im ill. And Etho just having. No clue really god bless him he's looking between the two of them and trying to figure out what the best way to approach everything is.
GOD and then the way you thought about rentho bonding and finally talking bc of the TCG and then going out to build the boat race while bdubs unknowingly is festering back home im hhhhhhh. I am normal about this i am so normal. [They should. play clocks against each other in the tcg where they bond. For no reason. ]
Imagine coming back from having a boat race and doing fun stuff out in the ice to find bdubs having completely thrown himself into an insane task without break and its like. you've gotta figure out how to approach it he cant just fester but he's closed off and hiding behind work to not have to address his feelings. I am normal I am feeling soooooooooooooooooooo normal.
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dyed-red · 1 year
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is there any chance of you getting back to Desiderata?😔
This is not @ you specifically anon, but I am getting a little tired of answering this question, and I'm going to be a bit snarky about it.
Yes, I am getting "back" to Desiderata, insofar as I ever "left" it, which I haven't. It's been about 10 weeks since the last update, or 2.5 months, which honestly isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, as much as I very genuinely understand the impatience of waiting for an update.
What I genuinely don't understand is why there's become this default assumption that it's abandoned. You're the third comment *this week* starting on the assumption that I've left it aside or am not planning to finish it.
I've said repeatedly in the comments and on here that I'm finishing it. I was always going to finish it. Its not marked as on hiatus or abandoned. If you look at the original post date to most recent update, it's clear the fic has been posted slow (actually in fits and starts) between updates, so this is par for the course, here.
I won't meander into personal stuff, but the reasons for why posting slowed are personal irl crap and not creative lapse. Another 10k+ words of the fic are already drafted and I've mapped out the core pieces that aren't already written, even if some of those may be re-written and/or strung together differently as I finalize the final few chapters.
And look, just wanting to repeat that this vexed tone of mine isn't @ you specifically, it's just that you were lucky caller 100 and I got a bit annoyed with repeating myself. But if you are open to the suggestion, I do recommend you ask authors about updates without starting from the assumption of abandonment. Not all authors feel the same about questions about updates so take that with a grain of salt, but at least in my case, a question like "any word on the timeline of an update? 👀👀" is more fun than "any chance of you getting back to this thing which I assume you've left? 😔"
More generally, most advice you see floating around is that if you want more of a thing you like, hype it up instead of being sad or demanding about it. Instead of asking for updates (which, again, I don't personally mind! It's the assumption of abandonment of a mostly completed story that irks me), the usual advice is to write a comment on ao3 about what you enjoyed about the story, maybe highlight a line or two, or even one each chapter. That can reinvest an author's energy (if it has indeed lapsed) by drawing their attention back to the parts of the story that are loved, and their attention to it is half the battle sometimes, getting them revved up from there as they re-experience the story from the reader's point of view.
If that's too much work, drop a compliment about the fic in the author's inbox instead of just a question. "Loving this story, [insert genuine compliment about plot, style, scene, characterization, or etc here]. I couldn't find it in the fic comments or your tag for the fic here on your blog, so just checking if there's any word on future updates? Either way have enjoyed it so far!"
Boom.
All right I'll stop soapboxing now. I try not to get grumpy with readers. I love how much you guys love this fic and I never in a million years expected half this much interest in it, to be honest. I literally had the draft open last night, it's not abandoned. I'm here with you, nonnie, wishing it wouldn't take so long but on the journey to see it finished anyway.
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melodioustear · 1 year
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January Research Progress
It's been a slow start to the year, but as term officially starts today I wanted to do an update on how things are going (I don't follow terms, I work 12mths a year, but sometimes it's nice to use them as milestones).
Currently I'm working on two main targets ahead of my next supervision in mid February, which are: 1. General reading - especially trying to get some disability studies in my brain right now. 2. Planning my survey on fanfiction & Madness habits of fans. I'll be honest - I don't feel like I've made enough progress with either. I've been reading very slowly, and only last week did I manage to get some planning done on the survey. So I think my plan is to start doing my best to buckle down and get the survey planned out.
Right now what I have is a list of topics that I want to get data on. These aren't fully planned out with formalised questions etc yet - nor even clear as to what format I want the responses in (e.g. multiple choice vs open text response etc). But I think it's a pretty good overview of the things I'm aiming to gather. Here's the list as it stands: General - Demographic data re: Madness (i.e. how many people identify as some sort of Mad) - Demographic data re: disability, and whether they view their Madness as disability if they have ticked both (this may need a 'kind of' response, as I know I'm on the fence with that) - General demographic data such as race, gender, sexuality - for comparison to general population and giving more options for using the data in the future. Fanfic Practices - Does it matter to you if fanfic about Madness is Mad-authored? - Do you think it makes a difference if fanfic about Madness is Mad-authored? - Have you ever written fanfiction about Madness? - If so, and you are Mad, did you write about your own Madness? - Do you read fanfiction about Madness? - If so, and you are Mad, do you read about your own Madness? - How do you find Madfic - likely multiple choice with options like tags, naturally/scrolling, recs, following authors etc. - How, if at all, has reading Madfic benefitted you? - How, if at all, has reading Madfic harmed you? - Previous two questions, but for writing! - What do you wish authors did differently in Madfic? - What's good about Madfic? - Do you feel the AO3 manages tags around Madness well? E.g. how do you feel about the existence of tags such as "<Character> is SO OCD". There are a few caveats here - firstly a reminder that whilst I use the term Mad(ness), I don't expect everyone to and you should use the terms that suit you! I will likely write the survey using the term mental illness purely to make it more accessible to a wider audience, but with the note that people should consider it to be whatever they prefer. Secondly, this is VERY much a draft, and as I say not representative of wording. The past couple of questions especially are ones I'm not 100% sure on. I kind of want to know, but it might also just be beyond the scope of this survey - which I want to focus on fanfic practices more than anything? But hopefully that gives some insight into what I'm interested in. Now that I've got my ideas down, I want to go through other fan surveys/studies and look at how they've done things, from question wording to the way they manage their data sets (I want mine to be open data, so that others can study it), or what they use form wise. Start to think about those sort of things. Which is a lot, but I just want to get as far as possible before my supervision. I'm very open to comments from people with experience in fan surveys, just bearing in mind this is as I say a very early draft. I know wording of questions is super important and I'm hoping to improve my questions a lot. Or recs of good surveys to look at for examples!
Either way, hope this has been interesting & offered insight into the study I'm going to do.
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screechfoxes · 2 years
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(Fanfic letter ask game) F I L M Z ~
oh boy, some of these got long, sorry in advance
F: Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.
this one took a lot of thought, but i settled on this snippet from bacchanalia (it was always going to be a distortion fic, to be honest)
“Who are you?” Jon asks, listening to his own voice echoing the question back at him. Her name is not Helen, because she isn’t real, she tells him. None of this is real. “I already knew that,” he tells her, and she laughs. That echoes too.
i think i like it less for the dialogue itself, both in this section and their later section of conversation, and more for the way i conveyed it. it's not subtle, perhaps, but i enjoyed having helen's dialogue conveyed as indirect dialogue, and how that showed what this place had done to her, how unreal she felt - or even was
I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?
tropey vampire fic. my one weakness. i've started writing at least one vampire fic for all of my major fandoms, even if they don't always get finished. (rip the four chapters of the homestuck vampire AU i was writing before i lost half a chapter to technical issues and so lost interest)
also, "character who was weak compared to other characters is secretly badass/powerful" is the reason i've read as many teen wolf and witcher fics as i have. i've barely watched teen wolf, and i'm not especially invested in the witcher in a fannish way. but those fics are good food for me if i can ignore/filter out the character bashing.
L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?
like, once, if that. when i wrote fic on paper (which, jesus, that's three years ago now), the process of writing it up would be a revision process for me. for a while, i had a similar process where i'd have a blank document open and "write it up" from the finished document
now... well, it's harder to say right now, because a lot of my recent fics have either been A) me polishing up something i started months/years ago that's good enough to post, and i just want to clear it out of my brain without thinking about it too hard, or B) fics that have taken me a lot of very granular work where i've done a lot of rewriting during the initial drafting process
M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?
i have a lot for The Untamed, mostly because i spent a week or so going through all of the kinkmeme prompts from 2020 to the present and saving any that i was remotely interested in writing. so now i have over 100 claims on AO3
but beyond those, i have a few ideas all of my own, and still some WIPs for TMA and Arcane that who knows if i'll ever manage to finish. i'm realising now that i haven't actually shared any premises but uh. too many ideas!
(hey, do you remember the homestuck faery dance/masquerade fics i think i mentioned to you back in like. 2016/2017? that's still a premise on the back burner that i want to finish somewhen. i have it all planned out except even years later, i haven't got an ending)
Z: Major character death—do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can't tolerate?
i've written it four times, according to AO3, and i'm sure i've read it, but i can't think of any examples
the ones i've written are two where the death is a canon death, and two where it's basically... everyone dies except the characters i'm focusing on. (actually, i might have a third one like the latter, but it's not tagged MCD)
i don't tend to go to fics for fix-its, so major character death is fine for me if it works for the story + the characters, and if it isn't in service of characters/relationships that i don't care about
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a-big-apple · 1 year
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I posted 1,022 times in 2022
That's 91 more posts than 2021!
65 posts created (6%)
957 posts reblogged (94%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@jeejyboard
@questbedhead
@anonbea
@slamfalconry-clone
@theknightofroses
I tagged 1,015 of my posts in 2022
Only 1% of my posts had no tags
#awesome fanart - 440 posts
#the locked tomb - 333 posts
#ntn spoilers - 112 posts
#steven universe - 76 posts
#encanto - 68 posts
#art - 60 posts
#videos - 51 posts
#luisa madrigal - 27 posts
#animals - 25 posts
#my fanfiction - 25 posts
Longest Tag: 140 characters
#omg that one commenter is right harrow would perfectly roast a marshmallow for gideon who would then complain that it's not burnt to a crisp
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
Thoughts on Surface Pressure 2/2
Let’s jump right back in! First part is here.
I was talking about anxiety, and here it is:
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We’re back to the verse. “Under the surface, I hide my nerves and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us.” That dissonance between what she’s showing and what she’s saying is back. She worries, it worsens, but she’s posing, ready to stop an avalanche. Mirabel is a beat behind, still putting together what Luisa’s telling her even while Luisa’s once again putting her body between Mirabel and danger.
NOW WE ARRIVE AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS!
See the full post
55 notes - Posted February 26, 2022
#4
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It’s almost time for the 2022 @fandomtrumpshate auction!!! 
Support progressive causes by creating and receiving amazing fanwork! Whether you want to offer your talents or bid on others’ offers, there are plenty of options for every level of time, energy, and money.
Want to know more? This year’s details are all here!
100 notes - Posted January 13, 2022
#3
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109 notes - Posted June 23, 2022
#2
Ok I have to go off about Luisa’s look for a minute because I’ve been watching Encanto daily (sometimes twice a day) in that honeymoon phase of wanting to see every detail and I’m quietly taking notes on her outfit so I can make it for myself and I have a lot to say about it
So it’s clear her whole look is about practicality, right, she’s sweet, she’s femme, but she has a lot of manual labor to do on the daily and her whole self-worth is riding on doing it well. So everything she’s got going on is supporting that goal! 
Her hair: gorgeous, I would pay so much money to see it down, but she can’t afford to have it in her face or in the way. So she’s got it braided on the side, which is pretty and decorative but also a braid can sometimes hold onto your little short tendrils that would pop out of a regular ponytail, and we know she has some little tendrils! 
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Also, the bun! It bounces like it’s not super tight, so probably she’s not taking a ton of time in the morning to get it precise--again, it’s a practical choice, she’s working out before the coffee’s even ready. A quick bun is up off her neck, out of her face, nothing dangling that’s gonna get caught on the bottom of a church or whatever. She has a nice thick ribbon for it too, because all that hair is probably pretty heavy.
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135 notes - Posted February 14, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
HEY BONERS...i really lost my grip for like, several weeks, and put together this truly heinous, flagrantly too long, not entirely navigable or sensible google document in which i have extensively quoted and annotated Gideon the Ninth, Harrow the Ninth, As Yet Unsent, and the Mysterious Study of Doctor Sex.
it was meant entirely for me, to prepare my brain for Nona, but i thought it would be silly to do all this work and not share it with anyone. so if it sounds like a thing you’d be into, check it out, and maybe leave comments in the doc while you’re there if you want!
136 notes - Posted September 7, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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:)
#Me vs wanting to clear the queue which is once again filled up vs not really feeling like thinking about tpn right now vs thinking that-#maybe if it doesn't make me happy I should just leave the fandom and go look for another series I enjoy even though I aknowelage finding-#something that can get me as invested as tpn will be very hard vs me finding it unfair to leave ~1000 posts I was truly intentioned to-#reblog and ~100 original posts in my drafts and ~30 pending asks wich make me go “oh shit I should really answer asks” every half hour-#because I *really* enjoy answering asks and challenging myself with analyzing something vs me thinking maybe a small break will do it vs me-#realizing that would only lead to posts piling up more and more vs me thinking I don't have time for that I must get back on reblogging-#posts and writing tags right now it's not that hard vs me really not feeling like I have time and energies to do that even though I really-#want to stop making tags unnecessarily long but it seems like I just can't?? vs me still being hella salty at the anime of tpn for causing-#this mess and ruining all my favorite characters (more like every character) and needing to take it out vs me not wanting to be so negative-#because I get that is annoying af?? vs me wishing I didn't care and I could get back to not caring about what others think and not minding-#how much my follower count is because I mean why should I care this is so dumb???? Can everyone unfollow me and maybe then I will feel free-#to post freely once again without thinking about bothering anyone vs me not being able to understand why it bothers me so much in the first-#place vs me wanting to go back to the days when I posted *my* posts without having to remember myself 300 times that it's ok if nobody-#likes them because I do it for myself and not for others and just reblog whatever I liked and I wanted to archive on my blog vs me not-#having energies to do anything these days not even take my meds wich is UGH why am I so stupid vs me feeling both physically and-#emotionally drained for some reason vs me having to put up with my parents and my depression vs me wondering if my parents are actually-#right for hating me vs me having my head hurt terribly and feeling like crying at any given minute and just wanting to die vs me thinking I-#should probably go study or do anything *anything* productive instead of writing a stupid useless rant post: choose your fighter ;)#I should have put some trigger warnings of some kind at the start I hope this didn't upset anyone //////////#not tpn#rant tw#(???)#Before anyone asks if I'm ok: I'm not lmao#But maybe things will get better!#random rambles
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lunar-rainclouds · 2 years
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“First Kiss” - Rivetra Valentine’s Day Fluff Fic
This is late, but for Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d post an excerpt from Pieces of Your Sunshine, my longest rivetra fanfiction and the first one I ever posted here on Tumblr. I’ve only posted the first 3 chapters so far, but with 100 total chapters planned, it’s going to be a long road to cover. The entire fic is written in Levi’s POV -- for a narrative reason I don’t want to spoil -- and is very dear to me because of its depiction of an asexual/allosexual relationship between Levi and Petra from an ace person’s perspective. Levi being asexual is just a head canon of mine. Please, feel free to interpret him any way you like. I believe he could be bi, pan, aro, or really anything, which is why I like Isayama leaving his love-life up to interpretation. I don’t believe he’s the same ace-spec I am, so getting into his head while keeping him in character is sometimes tricky for me, but I love the challenge of writing the fic from a male perspective, while adding some reworked canon references that I think other rivetra fans will enjoy.
“First Kiss” is currently Chapter 55 of Pieces of Your Sunshine. This is subject to change with editing, but I consider this chapter, as it’s written, to be close to the final draft.
Word Count = 3,400
Tags: adorably sweet fluff, awkward Levi and Petra, talk of past trauma involving life in the Underground, swearing (because Levi is Levi), canon-verse AU, ace/allo relationship themes
Summary: In previous chapters, Petra went home for personal leave. Upon her return, Levi and Petra have a conversation about their budding relationship and share a first kiss.
(Note: it took a LONG time for Levi to become even slightly affectionate toward Petra. Some of the reasons are in the context of this chapter, but this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I promise.)
Fic is under the cut.
Pieces of Your Sunshine
Chapter 55 - ‘’First Kiss’’
We rode our horses down to the outskirts of Ragako Village, by that secluded little pond she liked where she taught me how to ice skate last year. It was the first time I'd seen the place without winter frost covering the damn thing. I guess I could understand the appeal. Springtime made everything look greener, sort of new and fresh. The sun was bright and the daisies were in bloom. It actually smelled kind of nice without titan stench around. It wasn't a bad day for being outside the barracks.
She was quiet while we unpacked our saddle bags. I suppose I was expecting her to talk about her dad, her time away, or anything really, but her silence was understandable. She'd gone through some rough shit over the last month and I knew exactly how that felt. Loss changes people. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Regardless of her choice to rejoin the Survey Corps, Petra wasn't gonna be the same person I knew before she left. Accepting that fact, left a bitter taste in my mouth.
After she carefully laid down a blanket, I got to work setting out the tea ware we brought along with us. She was smart to choose the black set. She knew I didn't want grass stains on anything. This woman always put up with my stupid shit, no matter how abnormal it was. It shouldn’t have taken her absence for me to notice.
"I can start the fire." Her offer broke the stillness in the air. I nodded my approval.
It was the first time she spoke to me in the hour it took for us to get here. Her voice didn't sound right. I laid on the blanket, propped up on one elbow, and watched her as she moved, while I carved nothing in particular into a stick that had been laying by my lap. There was an unusual awkwardness in how she filled the kettle with water from her canteen and in the way she counted every tea leaf she sprinkled into the liquid. That far-away stare as she stoked the fire while everything warmed, told me more than she was letting on. She was nervous around me. I didn't want her to feel that way. I cleared my throat.
"What made you decide to come back?" I asked as she pulled the kettle away from the fire. I noticed then, I hadn't said much to her, either.
"I wanted to stay," she answered without looking at me.
I sat up and set aside my distracting hobby. She deserved my undivided attention.
"Specifically in the Survey Corps? You could've re-enlisted in another branch."
She poured the tea -- my cup first, then her own. Her hands were shaking. She was always willing to give me more than I gave her. It wasn't right.
"The Garrison and the Military Police aren't for me. I would never fit in with them. The Survey Corps feels closer as a unit because of what we do, like family."
She sipped her tea, then stared mournfully into her cup. She was making my stomach hurt. She deserved to know the truth. It didn't matter how hard it was for me to tell her. She was Petra. I could tell her anything.  She would understand. The problem was, I didn't really understand this myself, but she was worth the effort in trying to explain.
"Petra..."
She cut me off, pleading. "Listen, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I don't want things to be awkward between us. We can go back to the way things were before I opened my big mouth. Nothing has to change. Captain Levi..."
"Levi," I corrected her.
"We're in uniform," she gently scolded me.
"I don't care."
She set her cup down on the blanket and looked up at me with a weary sort of expression. Her eyes weren't bright anymore. I realized I snapped at her. Damn it. Why was I such an asshole? She just came back to us and I was making her miserable. She kneaded at the leather waistband of her uniform. I wasn't making her nervous. I was downright terrifying her.
"Levi, I get the feeling you didn't bring me all the way out here just to ask why I came back."
I casually sipped my tea.  It was nearly impossible to look at her.
"You wouldn't be wrong," I indirectly noted. 
I tried to regain control of the situation by acting calmer. Maybe she was feeling my anxiety. She was always too damn good at reading me. I needed to reassure her of my intentions, but it was too late. Her eyes began to swell with tears. Please, don't cry. Fuck.
"I knew it! You're transferring me out of the Squad. I knew this would be weird if I came back. I'm sorry everything I do is wrong. I'm sorry, Captain. I’m sorry."
She clasped her hands over her eyes and sobbed like I cut her damn leg off. I tossed my tea cup into the grass and clutched her hands. I know it was a waste of perfectly good tea, but I couldn't let her lose her mind over something imaginary. It was killing me inside. She already had enough to cry over. She didn't need me adding to it. Erwin was right, I was always too subtle. I needed to be more open with her.
"Hey, relax. You suck at doing things wrong. I'm not transferring you."
Sitting across from her, I pried her hands away from her face, so she could see my seriousness. Petra was my best soldier. There was no way in hell I would kick her out of my Squad, especially for something as simple as confessing her feelings for me. It was natural human emotion. She was allowed to feel the way she did. She wasn't the shy young woman I met three years ago. She gained a beautiful confidence that flawlessly complimented her soul. I was a coward compared to her. I swallowed hard. My hands were shaking along with hers. I wiped the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. I didn't deserve her affection.
"I m-missed you, Petra," I let the words pour out of my mouth like the tea that trickled from my spilled cup.
Hange was right. I recognized that damn stutter now. It happened every time I let Petra see the real me, buried underneath the ashes of my past. She sniffled and her hand gently leaned on mine. The world stopped spinning. I could hear my own heart beating loud and obnoxious in my chest. I didn't want us to go back to the way we were. Truth be told, we hadn't been the same two people since that night at the tavern.
"I missed you, too," she whispered, her voice soft and pretty like it used to be. I knew she meant it. That sparkle in her eyes was slowly coming back.
"I brought you out here because I wanted to talk to you about something and I didn't want nosey assholes eavesdropping on us."
She smiled. "That's fair."
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, the way she taught me to do so I could sleep through the night. There were one thousand things I wanted to say to her, but none of them felt like they were gonna come out right, so I started as simply as I could.
"What do you want us to be?" I figured the question was straight-forward enough. She would understand what I meant.
As I expected, she was quiet for a while. I could see her mind and heart working toward an answer she wouldn't regret. I admired that in her. She lowered my hands down to her lap, while she sort of absentmindedly played with them, stroking them with her thumbs. She laced her fingers with mine, the same way she did when she taught me how to dance.
"I don't know," she started slowly. Every word seemed to be filled with heaviness, as if she couldn't take them back once they'd been said. "If we became more than friends, you would be the first relationship I ever had. I'm not scared of it, but that would change a lot of things."
I took another deep breath and exhaled hard. It was time to confess.
"This is probably gonna sound really stupid at my age, but y-you wouldn't be alone in that."
She eyed me strangely. That wasn’t the reaction I anticipated. She seemed confused, then chose her next words carefully.
"But, you told me you lived with a girl once."
I'll admit, that got a chuckle out of me. I couldn't believe she remembered that conversation. When was that, three fucking years ago?
"No, no. It's not what you think. She wasn't my lover, more like a little sister. The Underground was a shitty place for women, no matter how young. A friend of mine and I were sort of watching out for her. They were the people I came up here with when I left."
I watched her eyes change. They were bright and curious at first, then immediately darkened. Petra wasn't stupid. She knew.
"They're the people Hange was talking about? Oh, Levi, I'm so sorry." She sympathetically patted my thigh.
"Why? All our stories seem to be the same. Up here or under the ground, life's just a struggle to survive."
I wasn't looking for pity about something that happened years ago. It was my fault anyway. I made a poor choice. I hoped this time, I could make a better one. I lightly squeezed her hand as everything came flooding back from the darkest parts of my memory. I wanted to tell her everything. She deserved to know the truth.
"Listen, if you want us to be more than friends, you should know exactly what you're getting yourself into with me. That stuff the newspapers said when first I joined the Survey Corps weren't lies. I did some fucked up shit when I was younger. Not that I'm making excuses for myself, but it was a kill or be killed situation down there. Sometimes, you couldn't sleep without worrying you'd be stabbed in the back. Other times, you didn't know where you were gonna find your next meal. Jobs didn't exist. Six merchants owned everything and only hired family or friends to work, so if you didn’t know anyone influential, you were screwed. Schools didn't exist, so most folks didn't know how to read or write. In a way, I guess I got lucky. Someone taught me, but it had been so long since I learned, I forgot most of it by the time I got up here. It was a dark and miserable place. People were drunk all the time, fucked in the street, beat the shit out of each other for a slice of bread. You name it, I saw it. I lived down there all my life, on my own since I was twelve. The guy who raised me after my mother died ditched me. I don't know why. Maybe I screwed something up. I don't know if he was my father or not, he never told me much, but at least he taught me how to survive."
I looked up to see she was listening to every word I said. I never got to tell anyone these things before. No one really cared to know. I found strength in the tenderness in her eyes. I told her more and she just listened.
"I was always abnormal, even back then. I was stronger and faster than most adults when was a kid. I could hear better, see better. I learned about people by watching them -- the way they moved, breathed, ate, sat, everything. I learned their strengths and their weaknesses. Weakness could be exploited. Sometimes, that was the only way to gain something. I broke into the merchant shops, beat the fuck out of people, stole shit. I'm not the person you think I am.”
I felt something burning in me as I spoke. My hands were shaking again. I kept talking. She needed to know.
“There's something wrong inside my head. There's a darkness that claws its way out sometimes. The blood on my hands, I can't... wash it off.  It never goes away. I killed people, Petra. I'm not a man. I'm... a monster."
I knew it was coming. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn't do anything to stop it.  All the memories, the pain, the blood, the bodies -- I choked. I couldn't hold it in anymore. My eyes stung. My cheeks were wet. Her arms were suddenly wrap around me and I sobbed like a damn baby on her shoulder. Her fingers lightly comb through my hair. She was soft and warm and I didn't want her to let me go. She felt like home, my home, my sunshine in the dark.
"You don't have to tell me anything else." Her voice shook as she rubbed light circles against my back. "It's not my place to judge you. I haven't had to live that way. I can't image how hard it must've been."
She pulled away to cup my cheeks in her palm. How the hell were her hands always so soft?  Her thumb brushed my cheek, the same way I had done for her, and she smiled. Her eyes were locked on mine, bright like the sun. They looked the same way they did the day I met her, when those damn eyes pulled me in and made me accept her offer of help. My chest was caving in. I watched her mouth move as she spoke.
"I heard everything you're telling me, but I know good things about you, too. You saved people down there. They buried that place because of you. The worst of the worst were jailed, but the others were given a second chance to build a better life. You gave them hope. It was the same hope you gave us when you came here."
Her hands slid away from my face to fiddle with my cravat. It wasn't as clean as it was when she washed it. I don't know if she noticed.
"I heard the stories of you robbing the merchants, but you gave your haul to the poor. Commander Erwin said you never kept more than enough for yourself to eat.  A monster wouldn't do a thing like that, but a good man would. There's a lot of good in you, Levi. I wish you could see that in yourself."
Her hands left my cravat to flatten over my chest at my heart. She was staring at them, deep in thought.
"You heart's bigger than you are, but you don't have to face everything alone. You have Commander Erwin's trust, the entire Survey Corps, the guys, and me. We're all with you because you bettered yourself to become the man you are now. No one person can do everything on their own. The Survey Corps crest doesn't have two wings for nothing."
She looked up at me and something pulled her out of her thoughts.
"You're smiling."
I hadn't noticed until she mentioned it herself. I didn't care if she was caressing my cheek. It felt nice. She was beaming with joy. I held her free hand close to my chest. It felt right for it to be there.
"Maybe you give me something to smile about.” I cupped her cheek with my palm. She leaned into it. She seemed to like it. “Thank you for coming back to the team."
"I couldn't stay away if I wanted to."
She was lightly crying again. It didn't seem like a bad thing this time. I was okay with that.
"You didn't come back because of me, did you? Tell me the truth."
She shook her head confidently. "No. I did it because I love my job and what we do for the good of humanity. I've never regretted dedicating myself to this cause."
How did I deserve her? She was too perfect to be real.
"Good. That's the reason I wanted to hear."
I knew for certain I was smiling this time. I didn't care. Petra deserved all the smiles anyone could offer. She gave enough of her own to fill the world with her warmth.
"Levi," her voice was tender and sweet. I missed the way she said my name. "I meant it when I told you I love you. I'm not so young where I can't make this choice to be with you, if that's what you want, too. We can take our time and see where this goes. I'm not in a rush."
Oh, boy. Here it comes.
"It's not that simple. The problem is, I don't know what I can do for you. My heart and my body don’t match up all that great. I've never been good at this kind of thing. I never really thought about being, you know, more than friends with someone, but I'd be a lying asshole if I said I didn't feel the same way about you. It's not gonna be perfect, but I wanna try for you. Maybe we can work something out when the time comes for other stuff, but you can choose when. I’m not in a rush, either. Deal?"
What was this, a fucking card game? I was a hopeless disaster. What the hell did she see in me?
She nodded. "Deal."
Great, that went about as smooth as bark. Time to move on? 
"So, d-do you, um, w-wanna do something to make it official?"
Please, don't ask me to fuck you on this blanket. There's no way in hell I'm ready for ---
"Um, is it okay if I kiss you?"
"What, like a real one? Not on the cheek like the last time?"
She bit her lip. Maybe shy Petra was still in there somewhere. "Yes, like a real one. Not on the cheek."
I shrugged. "I guess it's okay. I mean, you're lips aren't gross or anything."
She knitted her eyebrows. "It's good to know you don't think my lips are gross."
"Sorry. I said I wasn't good at this."
I expected worse, but she laughed, instead. "It's okay. We can learn together. You'd be my first kiss, you know."
"Really?" Now that was surprising.
"Yup. Well, that one time at a costume party doesn't count."
"What costume party?"
"I didn't know it was him."
"Him, who?"
Wait, where was this conversation going? Why the heck did I care?
"I accidentally kissed Oluo at a costume party on my twentieth birthday! I didn't know it was him because of his mask! He's never let me live it down!"
Her face turned as red as her hair. It had been years since I’d seen that side of her. I sort of missed it. That got a chuckle out of me, too.
"Well, that explains a lot.”
Her face cringed and she changed the subject. "Ugh, enough about me, what about you?"
"It'll only be you," I confessed honestly.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I never wanted to before."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, wow."
"Hey, at least one of us has virgin lips."
She nudged my shoulder. "STOP!"
I squeezed her waist. "I'm kidding. You wanna do this or not?"
"Yes, I want to do this. I asked you, remember?"
"Tch. Well, go ahead and do it, before I change my mind."
She pressed her palms against my cheeks, laughing again. She could laugh forever for all I cared.
"You ready?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
I closed my eyes and waited. I felt her lips lightly brush mine, and in an instant, it was over.
“Really? That was it?”
"How was it?"
"It wasn't bad. What about you?"
"I liked it." She softly bit her lip. She really needed to stop being so fucking cute. "You want to try again?" She added slyly.
I rolled my eyes. I was mocking her, of course. It really wasn't bad at all. "Yeah, okay. Go ahead."
I closed my eyes again and waited. Her lips pressed to mine, a little harder this time, but still light and soft. I leaned into it, then she giggled. I pulled away. 
"What? W-what's funny. I'm fucking it up, aren't I?"
She was full blown laughing at me. This was worse than I thought. "No, it's not that. It’s just... I can't believe I'm kissing you."
"For fuck sake. Well, if you want more, it's fine, just don't stick your tongue in my mouth."
She laughed harder, then wrapped her arms around my shoulders, so she could run her fingers through my hair. I could feel the genuine affection in her touch. It was kind of nice. She pulled me closer.
"I won't," she affirmed, then our lips touched again.
I let her do it a few more times. I lost count of how many it was, even after I realized she was sitting in my lap and the sun was beginning to set. Not once did she try to stick her tongue in my mouth. I didn’t expect her to take that request seriously. She didn't care if I was abnormal. She seemed to like it, regardless. Funny thing was, so did I.
We stayed at the lake past midnight, sharing our usual tea break under the stars. Despite the month we were apart, it felt like nothing changed. When we got back to the barracks. I kissed her goodnight before we parted ways into our rooms. Maybe we didn’t have to define what we were. More than friends was good enough. She was only across the hallway. I would see her again in the morning, when the sun rose with her, and I could collect those little piece of her sunshine, like drops of rain in her favorite pond.
End Chapter
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parasolparasol · 3 years
Text
A redesign of Tumblr mobile
(Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Tumblr in any way. Any opinions I express in this post are my own. I’m just somebody who has been on Tumblr for many years and wanted to try my hand at redesigning it. I recognize that there may be potential flaws in the following post, and these faults are 100% my own and no one else’s. In an ideal world i’d have access to insider metrics, but in any case this isn’t meant to be collectively exhaustive in any way.)
Hello there! I picked up this redesign project in January and i’ve decided to publish this now, since I wasn’t sure how long it’d take me to do a full write up. I’ve talked to around 100 people over the course of these 2 months and i’ve ran multiple rounds of tests, and I felt bad about leaving everyone hanging. So, here are the results with brief explanations for now! I intend to type out the full process and design rationale at a later date. If you received a message about this within the last 2 months and answered me, thank you so much! 
Alright, let’s get started. At the time of writing, Tumblr for iOS is currently on version 19.0. (Warning: this is a long post, there are badly compressed big gifs.)
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Adding Tags
During interviews and in surveys (n=83, python and excel really came in clutch when sorting through the data haha), people often told me they avoided reblogging on mobile due to the large hassle of typing every tag out, opting to save them to drafts instead and add tags later. In terms of data, given that people hit reblog (82% of all users surveyed), 84% of these people also liked to add tags, so it was clear that facilitating the tagging system would be important. To help solve this, I designed a method for people to quickly add tags to post topics they often reblogged. As well as being accessible from pressing the tagging area on the posting screen, this can be accessed from the hold menu, to speed up the interaction even more. 
Another issue that commonly cropped up was the multitude of possible ways to tag a trigger warning. If somebody missed out a tagging method for a TW, they still ran the risk of seeing it on their dashboard. I added a toggle for tagging something as a trigger warning, which would suggest what others commonly added (and you can type your own). This saves people from having to tag “tw:xyz” “tw: xyz” “tw xyz” “cw xyz” etc. (you get the point!) and makes sure that “xyz” is unambiguously marked as a trigger warning. (Can internet strangers be trusted to tag sensitive content properly? Quick study here)
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(Reblogging with the hold menu on the left. Posting on the right. If Tumblr displays them top to bottom instead of side by side (I'll let it slide, I know they're reworking the web post editor right now), the top post=left. the bottom post=right. If you’re viewing this on my blog page, please click on the gifs!)
A bonus: A ‘read more’ button has been added back to mobile. Scrolling through long posts gets tedious sometimes, and people like to talk about more personal thoughts under read mores, so i’ve made it easier to access the feature.
Liking Posts
89% percent of users reported that they liked to hold on to posts for future retrieval. With this in mind, I added in a feature to categorize likes, making searching through your likes for future retrieval easier. The ability to like quickly without sorting is retained, added to a hold menu like a quick reblog. After liking, users are also prompted to reblog (PSA: reblogging helps spread OC around! please reblog OC you like more!)
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(Liking on tap on the left. Quick liking with the hold menu on the right.)
Your likes can be found and sorted under your blog. 
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Recommended For You
Tumblr is fundamentally about exploring and sharing content about topics you love, so I tried to rearrange the navigation to make it easier for users to look at new content about the things they like. The tabs are now rearranged so that new content is easier to find from the homescreen. To ensure relevance, followed tags are now toggles, so the user can pick and choose exactly what they want to see in the recommended tab if they want to. A radar post has also been placed in this tab to increase exposure to featured content creators. (Does being on the radar help out OC posters? Quick study here)
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Exploring, and search results
Now that stuff recommended for you has been moved next to the dashboard, the explore page now defaults to trending posts. The top/recent page for tags you followed are now located in the search bar menu. Upon clicking on a search term, you can sort through recent/top posts and post types separately. For example, if you felt like looking at some new fanart that day, all you would have to do is sort by recent photo posts instead of having to sift through every recent post, making it easier for new OC to be discovered.
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botwstoriesandsuch · 3 years
Note
hey Kip! I’m sending asks into different writer’s askboxes, inquiring about cool themes/development facts/stuff the author wants to share about their personal favorite work of their own. What’s yours? :)
Ok so this ask is old and when I first got it I was like “dang I don’t really have a lot to talk about, what should I talk about I could those revalink headcanons the Kip Cut that turned into a working fic uhh hmm maybe I’ll just make something new to talk about real quick” and then I did and now there is a 12+ chapter Revalink fic in my drafts and I’m gonna talk about that now, whoopsie doopsie [click "j" to skip]
aHEM, OK so allow me to break out the primary school white board because yeah, I have a lot of thoughts and the oxford comma has not yet made it’s home into my brain. oh and spoilers for paraphrase. for both all of Chapter one and future events in later chapters, but it’s really nothing you couldn’t surmise from the AO3 tags
so I really wanted to tell the story of Revali and Link learning and struggling to love again after the less-than-fortunate events of Botw, but I wanted a...how you say...fresher, approach on the subject? Like I know we always say that fanfic writers writing the same tropes and stories time and time again is good because we eat that shit up--but at the same time I had asian parenting as was told never to half ass anything ever, no matter what. So now I'm gay and extra and have depression maybe and oh would you look at that @motherhyrule has dropped a beautiful revalink prompt right into my lap
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Great so now that we have, that, I shall take you on the step by step process on how to make a :sparkles: story. So step one is to spend at least five to eleven business days for your white board to dismantle your genre and themes and work them around your character arcs. Luckily I have prepared one ahead of time
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s*breaks out those laser pointers that uni professors use* So let's start with defining genre. As define because I HATE you, fuck you. I want you to suffer and writhe on the ground, motherfucker. How dare you think that I would give you nothing but pure predictable fluff, fuck you and yours
is the set of expectations that your audience has when consuming a piece of media
And the great thing about fanfiction is that unlike movies or book where the genres are more vague like, "oh it's a noir mystery genre. so there's a crime, maybe a murder, and a detective and a criminal." or "oh it's a teen romance. so there's some white people and a morally questionable six-pack 18 year old love interest that will be painted as desirable for some reason" BUT with fanfiction HALF of the work out the window, because as soon as you see those #revalink #aro sidon #zelpha #revali is an idiot and #found family tags you already know what's up.
Now what's so great about genre and expectation? Well the fun thing about it is that
I will use it to fucking break you.
... ... ...
<3 For example! <3
In Chapter 1: Holes, you already expect there to be revalink, you already expect them to be soulmates with the soulmarks and there's angst and yadayada ya. Revali and Link have to match because thatttss what this is all about, this is about them! This is about cute, little soulmarks and romantic words!
But whoooopsie doopsie [disney channel laugh track plays] they DON'T match anymore! Link's got a different mark! The number one rule of this entire genre has been broken whoooooooooooooooops. *ba dum tiss*
You might notice with a lot of my writing that I do this a lot, this whole..."oop but there's one little thing that's different." TebaSaki sick fic? Ok cool, but what if Teba burns an irreplaceable relic of the Rito champion to fight a wizzrobe first to characterize why his dumbass clicks with Saki. Mipha deciding to persue Link? Ok what if she chases after a dragon to externalize this conflict as she pierces it's flesh for a scale. Link fighting a Lynel? Ok but what if it's actually a sidlink angst fic in disguise and it's also world building on how Link deals with the bloodmoon that erases all of his efforts which is sort of similar to how his existence was erased from Hyrule 100 years ago mwaahahaha! Ok now that I say this outloud I think I just have a pattern of using fight scenes to externalize character growth. I like fight scenes...anyways.
I think another great thing about the realm of fanfiction is that with the tagging system, I can basically use a chekhov's gun sort of deal, without doing any writing. You know I'm gonna use that gun marked "soulmates" but you don't know when I'm gonna shoot it, and you SURE as hell don't know how.
And huzzah! One of the main points of conflict both drives the tension between Revali and Link, solidifies the unique genre and setting of this world, while also creating a new mystery that will carry over for the next few chapters.
Is Revali right in that Link's rebirth makes him destined for someone new now? What will Link do with the information that his soulmark has changed? Why did it change? Did Revali's change as well? How does anything fucking work right now?
And sure, you might be able to tell where things will end with them, but you sure as fuck will not know how because I HATE you. Fuck you. I want you to suffer and writhe on the ground, motherfucker. How dare you think that I would give you nothing but pure predictable fluff. I am not your goddamn fairy godmother, I will do as I fucking please. You will suffer as you fucking deserve, fuck you and your little tiny--
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/j
Oh! But you might have noticed on my little planning whiteboard thing that there was a little T-Chart! For Revali and Link! That's because the next important thing besides plot (and in a lot of cases, including this one, it's argued to be even MORE important than plot) is
~CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT~
[to the tune of that history of the world video on youtube]
So yes, it's a little T-Chart outlining their character views in relation to the themes. And the great thing about themes is that they're not something you can necessarily predict in the same way you can with the genre and plot.
But now see, I'm very lazy so I'm just gonna plagiarize @hyrule-kingdom-updates thingy [that you should read btw] because they said my point quite clear enough
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Now I don't really need to care about those points about bond and relationships and being understood, because I'm dealing with already established canon characters. I'm not some NERD who dabbles with entire casts of ocs who even cares about ocs not me that's for sure ahaahahaahahahahahaahahahahahAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *cries in my orphaned WTTU fic* AHAHAHA*sobs*DONT FUCKING LOOK AT ME THAT WAY I SWEAR--
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/j I love ocs
But the points I do wanna focus on is the idea that characters provide new perspectives on the theme, and that characters growth can be tracked based on their wants, lies, and needs.
So see, themes can be predicted the same as genre/plot because while you can have the same fanfic plots and tropes, theme will always vary!
Sometimes it's a journey of selfworth with Revali! Sometimes it's an exploration of trauma with Link. Sometimes it's about how you deal with the vulnerabilities of love with Mipha. Sometimes there's straight up NOOOO theme, and people just be fucking, and kissing, and baking, and having a good time. And that is totally fine too!
But I'm not a fucking coward.
I'm gonna weave in themes with my plot, because I fucking can.
I'm not a weakling like you.
Do you hear me, 2019 Kip? Do you hear me Demmers? Do you hear me Quill? I'm coming for your ass. You think you're so great, but I'm coming for you. Rest assured that your graves will be as deep as your sculptured pride--
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Heeeere is that T-Chart again, plus more!
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yyyyyYou might notice that Revali and Link are quite parallel, to paraphrase. Ayoooo, see what I did there? *dabs* I'm a genius. Anywho
They both start off the same way: 100 years ago they were in love and happy. Basically the equivalent of childish naivety. For the first time in their lives, life is whimsical and charming, and they make each other happy. In fact, it's almost a flaw with how they perceive this happiness. But don't worry! It doesn't last long!
You know what happens.
I think the chart is pretty self explanatory. Revali builds walls fast enough to give a republican a wet dream. Meanwhile Link makes every aromantic in the chat groan with his doubled down sentiments in the idea that his chances of being truly happy again are gone.
Now, I can't exactly describe the full on process of the inbetweens, and where Revali and Link are gonna go from here, because...you have to read it for yourself! Heehee...but something I did think was fun was how these character views on the themes are revealed. Because you'll notice that, I never give exposition. Ever.
Ok well, let me rephrase that. I never give exposition scenes. I will never give you a big LOTR fancy wizard scene explaining the ins and outs of a character's question or the world's magic or whatever. I'm a very impatient Kip, and I value efficiency. Nonono, it's all about multi tasking, baby!
Chapter 1: Holes is divided into three parts.
Post 100 Years - Medoh (Establishes Ghost Rev/Bonk Head Link's view)
100 Years Ago - Flight Range (Establishes old Revalink views)
Post 100 years - Mark (Develops Ghost Rev/Bonk Head Link's view in contrast to who they once were)
I think the way that you structure flashbacks is incredible vital, as it's a very quick way to characterize people without having them say stuff like "I used to be like you, until I took an arrow to the knee" or whatever.
And with the main structure of the chapters and the fic as a whole is focus on their characters, that means I can hide whatever other stuff I want in those scenes, becuase you're too busy absorbing the fun character stuff to realizing I'm giving you boring exposition. Like for example:
Post 100 Years - Medoh and Mark
Foreshadowing for the end of the fic
Set up connection to Medoh with Revali
Link has defeated Windblight
Link has been visiting Revali every night for the past few days
Link has already met Kass and presumably Teba
Link doesn't have the Mastersword
Revali's Gale is still an ability that needs master and practice on Link's end
And that's just some of the stuff.
And see, the only reason I can efficiently give all of this information regarding character, and even exposition, is because of the theme. The themes make everything relevant, and everything circles and encompasses one another, so there's absolutely no wasted space. I mean don't even get me started on how it's gonna be to characterize the other characters around this
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I don't wanna talk about the other characters too much either because that's spoilers, but you can probably take a gandar based on my notes.
And oh my god this is just on the theme of the faults that come with "soulmates" and "true love" and all that, and how even magical destined relationships still require work and effort, and that no one thing or person solves all your problems. And that's not even TOUCHING the shit on trauma and scars. I didn't think it was even possible for me to talk about botw without touching on that, ha. Ah well, I've been talking for too long.
Revalink has a lot o' writing potential so das pretty cool yeah, I am excite
66 notes · View notes
daveeddiggsit · 3 years
Text
The Plan
WIDEOUT MASTERLIST
Series: WIDEOUT (chpt viii)
Note: Thank you @braidedchallah for proofreading. Reminder — before you kill me — there is one chapter left (and an epilogue). Keep that in mind. Enjoy. Feel free to yell at me afterwards. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry for what you’re about to experience.
Word Count: 12.2k
Pairing: Football Player!Thomas Jefferson x Tutor!Reader
Warnings: angst. possible breakup. perhaps some crying. implied sex (more than once). thom being a perfect boyfriend. thom looking fine af in denim (i’m trash).
Summary: Goodbyes are hard.
Tags: @coololdsoulpoetlove @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @lilangeldevil006 @pana-ce-a @merrahonthawall @katierpblogg @thespianbooks @a-hopeless-fan @uniquelystarchildthedragon @wcreech @sabbrriiinnaa @imperial-martian @harpersmariano @icanneverbesatisfied @underthewillowtreerycb @i-know-i-can @astralaffairs @braidedchallah​ (if i forgot anyone i apologize, just lemme know for next time)
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As one of the smartest kids in your graduating class, you have a certain reputation to uphold. Maintaining a perfect 4.0 GPA isn’t easy, which means that you have to choose all the right answers and make all the right decisions. 
As it turns out, you seem to be pretty good at that. Being right about a lot of things, academic or not, seems to come naturally to you. Especially when it comes to a certain curly-haired athlete who also happens to be your boyfriend of over a year.
You had been right when you told him that he would recover from his ankle injury on the night it happened. Well, you can’t be entirely sure of that yet since he’s still not clear to engage in full-action sports, but it’s incredibly clear that he’s well on his way to recovering fully.
Almost exactly seven weeks after the incident, he’d gotten his cast removed and replaced with a boot so that he could put weight on his ankle again. Since then, he’s been in physical therapy almost daily in order to make sure that he’s healing the right way. According to him, he’s progressing well every week and is slowly regaining his mobility, strength, and speed. Just two weeks ago he ditched the boot so that he could finally put on a pair of shoes; you remember the grin on his face when he gave you a little dance to show off the new kicks he’d gotten as celebration.
He’s not 100% healthy yet, and he certainly won’t be back on the field (or track) for another couple months until he’s clear to practice, but you’re proud that he’s been able to recover as much as he has in relatively so little time.
On the night of his injury, you’d also been right about another thing: the fact that Thomas would receive college offers.
And that’s what you’re celebrating today.
After weeks and weeks of advocating for himself and sending his player reel and personal letters to the head coaches of schools he wanted to attend, he finally got an offer from one of his top college choices: the University of Virginia.
While their football team isn’t the most notable in the nation, their program is one of the best in the state of Virginia at a Division I level, and that’s pretty much all Thomas wants. After he recovers fully, Thomas will make an excellent asset to the team since one of their starting wide receivers is entering the NFL Draft after this year. 
At UVA, Thomas would get the play time he needs to shine and show his true colors and talent as a wide receiver all while having a coaching staff there to support him and his every need. Their academic program for liberal arts is also something Thomas has been looking at in a school since he plans on majoring in English.
With all of that said, the Jefferson household decides to host a special dinner for their son in celebration of the wonderful news. 
And while under normal circumstances, you would feel happy and excited for your boyfriend and his amazing accomplishment, instead you have a voice that lingers in the back of your mind reminding you of the similar news you had received just a week prior.
Thomas isn’t the only one with a huge scholarship offer.
After applying to many different schools with somewhat notable engineering programs in-state (because let’s be real, out-of-state tuition is absurdly expensive), you’ve received only a few grants from NYU and Syracuse University, but it isn’t enough to cover all of tuition.
But when you’d received an email last week from the one out-of-state school you had applied to last minute, your heart had just about dropped from your chest.
UCLA is offering you a full-ride.
You should be happy that you have an incredible offer. You should be elated for Thomas with his scholarship offer, too. However, you can’t help but feel a looming sense of stress every time you think about telling him.
That’s why you haven’t told him yet; it’s been nine days.
“Y/N?”
Thomas’ voice snaps you out of your thoughts and suddenly you are brought back to reality. You’re dressed up and sitting at the dinner table with Thomas across from his parents. The menu of the night consists of a couple different French dishes that his mother had learned to make a few years back when they visited Paris for an entire summer. His mother’s rendition of the food is nothing short of amazing.
Your eyes meet the warm brown ones that belong to your boyfriend as you turn your head to glance at him next to you. “Hmm?”
”You didn’t hear anythin’ I said, did you?” Thomas chuckles, biting his lip as he watches you put on a guilty simper.
“No, sorry.” You breathe out a small laugh in order to cover up your underlying nervousness. “I zoned out for a minute there. What were you saying?” 
“Well, I’m arguin’ a case here. Technically, a hot dog — a piece of meat held together by two pieces of bread - is a sandwich, right? In simple terms and by definition this should be true, so don’t overthink it. My dad keeps saying it’s not, but please, Y/N, you gotta side with me this time.”
You take a breath in and click your tongue. “I don’t know, Peter, I think I gotta go with Thom on this one.”
“Yes!” Thomas celebrates, throwing his arms up dramatically. “I told you!”
Mr. Jefferson’s mouth drops at your response. “How dare you take his side. Did all those other times teaming up at dinner and making fun of him mean nothing to you?”
If it hadn’t been evident prior to this moment where Thomas gets his overdramatics from, then it’s certainly clear now.
“Case closed.” Thomas smirks, crossing his arms, proud of himself.
“What are you talking about? The case is far from closed.” His father retorts, splaying his arms out, causing Thomas’ mom to speak out. 
“Hey, calm down, you two. You’re gonna make a mess if you keep on bangin’ the table like that.” She chastises them. They both mutter their apologies before Thomas’ father continues on defending himself.
“Y/N, why’d you choose his side? You know I’m right. Don’t let that boy guilt trip you; he’s still gonna love you if you disagree with him.”
“Sorry, Peter.” You shrug, sneaking a glance at Thomas who’s watching you with a glint in his eyes. “As much as I don’t want to agree with your son on this one, I unfortunately do.”
Thomas pauses to narrow his eyes as you in puzzled manor. “‘Unfortunately?’ Your words wound me, sweetheart, really.” He says in a teasing tone before his smile turns smug as he directs his attention towards his father. “But you see, Dad? It’s 2 against 1. ‘M sorry to say, but your opinion is overruled.”
Mr. Jefferson waves his son off dismissively. “That’s horseshit; your mother hasn’t sided with anyone yet. We still have one more vote to count.”
“Language, Peter.” The woman in question warns, giving him a look that’s only half serious.
“Well, honey? You agree with me, don’t you?” Peter asks his wife with pleading eyes, causing her to roll hers.
“Sure, sweetie.”
You shake your head and smile, leaning back in your chair to watch the antics unfold.
“What? Ma, why you takin’ his side?” Thomas jumps in. “I’m supposed to be your favorite, you know.”
“Of course you’re my favorite; you’re my only child, Thomas.” His mother deadpans, causing Thomas to frown.
It’s Peter’s turn now to smirk at Thomas and you. “See? Now we’re tied. Opinion very much not overruled, thank you.”
“Wait, what was your side of the argument again?” Mrs. Jefferson asks her husband. “You said a hot dog is a sandwich, right?”
“No, that’s what I said.” Thomas interjects.
“Oh, well then I agree with Thomas.”
“Ha!” Your boyfriend exclaims, pointing at his dad. “I told you! Your opinion is not valid. Hot dogs are sandwiches. End of story.”
“They are not sandwiches! They are a different entity. How can you compare a ham and cheese to a weiner between two buns? Well I’ll tell you. You can’t!”
“For the last time, Dad. It’s a piece of meat in between two pieces of bread. That is classified as what? A sandwich!”
“With that logic, you’d say that a burger is a sandwich, too?”
“Yup.”
“There is somethin’ wrong with y’all.” Peter shakes his head, picking at the leftover food on his plate. “I thought I raised you better, T. Y/N, I expected you to take my side on this one.”
“Sorry, Mr. J.” You shrug. “Tommy’s right. A piece of meat in between two pieces of bread does indeed technically classify it as a sandwich.”
“Y’all got me thinkin’ that I’m the crazy one now.” Peter sighs defeatedly.
“Alright, alright, that’s enough of that nonsense.” Thomas’ mother chuckles, waving her hand in the air dismissively. “Thomas, honey, your father and I are very proud of you and are excited for your opportunity at UVA.”
“Thanks, Ma.” Thomas grins. “I’m excited, too.”
Under the table, Thomas’ hand finds yours and laces your fingers together. Its warmth is comforting and the small moment makes you forget about everything for just a moment. A small silence stretches on for a bit before Peter speaks up.
“So, Y/N, how are your college applications going? Have you gotten any scholarships yet? I feel like you’re too smart to not get anything.”
Your stomach drops at the question. You really hadn’t expected to be put on the spot like this, and while it is a simple question that you should be able to answer quickly… you don’t. You hesitate and Thomas notices. 
You want to tell the truth, you really do, but you can’t. This is Thomas’ night to celebrate and the last thing you want to do is mess it up with news that you’d be going to school across the country. Tonight is supposed to be about him, not you.
So you lie.
“Oh, um, no, not yet.” You chuckle nervously. The hand holding Thomas’ fidgets slightly and he squeezes lightly to try and help calm your nerves. “I mean, I’ve gotten into NYU and Syracuse so far. Still waiting to hear from Columbia. I haven’t heard much as far as scholarships, though, unfortunately. I’ve received a few grants here and there, but nothing too big.”
“Columbia, wow. What’s their acceptance rate? 10%?” Mrs. Jefferson asks, seemingly interested.
“6%.” Thomas jumps in to answer before glancing at you with a small smile. “I don’t think Y/N will have any trouble getting in, though.”
You send him the biggest smile you can muster, though you feel like it sort of comes out as a grimace. “Thanks, T.” You say softly.
Beat.
“What time is it? I think it’s past my bedtime.” Peter yawns, checking his watch. “10 o’clock? Where did the time go? Y/N, are you going to be okay driving home this late?”
“It’s not that late, Mr. Jefferson. I should be fine.” You’ve definitely driven home from Thomas’ place past 10pm before (multiple times), but you’re not telling him that. “I do think I should probably leave soon, though.”
“You wanna go get your things upstairs, then I can walk you out?” Thomas asks you with a mischievous look in his eye. Knowing him, he probably just wants to get you alone for a bit before you leave. Even through your nervousness to tell him the truth, you can’t deny his charm.
“Yeah, that sounds good, Tommy.”
Then, both you and Thomas excuse yourselves from the table. You make sure to thank Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson for dinner and the invite. You’re always honored to be included in their family events even if it’s something as small as dinner on a Friday night.
When you make it up to Thomas’ room, he doesn’t waste another moment before he kisses you softly, his hand reaching up to cup your cheek after he gently shuts the door.
“Been waitin’ to do that all night.” He grins afterwards, softly brushing over the skin of your cheek with his thumb.
You smile as you bring your hands up to his shoulders, wordlessly leaning forward to sweetly press your lips to his again.
“Missed you.” He mumbles as he pulls away to lean his forehead against yours. “Feel like we haven’t been seeing a lot of each other lately.”
He’s right. With both of you not having any classes together this year, you both worried about college applications, Thomas not in football season anymore and in and out of PT almost constantly, you two haven’t been seeing each other as much as you’d like. Another reason why you haven’t been able to tell Thomas about UCLA (aside from the fact that you simply don’t have the guts to do it).
“I know.” You sigh, looking off to the side for a second. “I’m sorry.”
“‘S not your fault. We’ve both been busy.”
“Yeah, but still.” You say softly. “Feels bad. I miss you.”
He chuckles. “Well, I’m right here, baby. Don’t need to go far.”
You smile haphazardly and roll your eyes as you bring your hand up to the back of his neck and pull him into another kiss. Who knows how many more of these you’ll get before you both graduate and have to go your separate ways.
Before it can go too far, you pull away again.
“T?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m so proud of you.” You say genuinely because you really want him to know. You feel like you don’t tell him enough (even though that’s not the case).  “Really, I am. You deserve that scholarship and so much more.”
“Thanks, love.” He murmurs while a soft smile adorns his face. “Hey, if none of these in-state schools give you anything, I think you’d have a good chance at getting something at UVA. They have an honors college that gives up a ton of grants and shit, you should look into it. I’m not sure if the applications are still open, but worth a try.”
You purse your lips before you give him your response. “Maybe, we’ll see.”
“I’m sure you’ll get something anyway, but just wanted to bring that up and let you know.”
“Appreciate the thought, Thom.”
Thomas grins, giving you one last peck on the lips before finally turning away to remove his overcoat. He double takes when he sees your face drop slightly. His eyebrows furrow as he notices your mood shift. “Hey, what’s wrong? Somethin’ botherin’ you? Not gonna lie, you’ve been a little off all night, sweetheart...”
You hesitate, not able to look him in the eye, the guilt eating you alive. The pressure of holding everything in is building up and while Thomas is normally your rock, the one you can go to for anything, you can’t this time, and you can feel it wearing you down.
You take in a shaky deep breath before you go to sit down on his bed, eyes cast towards the ground. “I’m okay, T, I’m just… stressed. With school.” You say, finally willing yourself to look up into his caring gaze. It hurts to lie to him, but you keep telling yourself that it’s his night.
“You sure?” He asks, taking a seat next to you to gently grab your hand in his. “Seriously, baby, I know when somethin’s up. What’s on that brilliant mind of yours, huh?” He lightly bumps his shoulder against yours in a teasing gesture, causing you to let out a half-hearted chuckle. He always knows how to get a laugh out of you, doesn’t he? “I know you’re worried about more than that stats test you have next week. Tell me what’s really botherin’ you.” He says softly, catching your gaze again.
Sighing once more, you tear your eyes away from his pleading ones. “I um…” You trail off after trying and failing to come up with another lie or excuse. 
Thomas always draws your worries and frustrations out of you; he knows you so well to the point where he knows exactly what to say to convince you to tell him something. Honesty has never been a problem in your relationship, and the last thing you want is to push it to a point of no return. You already feel terrible for withholding the truth; you want to be free from this secret you’ve been holding.
And suddenly seven words echo in your head:
“Tell him. He’ll understand. He loves you.”
Your eyes flit back up to meet his concerned gaze. Here it goes.
“I did get a scholarship. All tuition and expenses paid. I got the email a week and a half ago and I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”
His eyes widen at the confession, taken aback by how big the news is.
“Holy shit, Y/N, that’s… that’s amazing, baby. I’m so proud of you. Not surprised, but proud nonetheless.” He says genuinely, a smile evident on his face before it drops slightly. “Why didn’t you wanna tell me?” There’s a moment of silence before he speaks again. “Wait, why’d you lie at dinner when my dad asked?”
You give him a sad smile before you look away again, fidgeting with your fingers on the hand that Thomas isn’t holding. “I didn’t want to take over your night, T. And I didn’t tell you when I found out because… the school’s in Cali.” You say, releasing a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding.
He cocks his head to the side slightly, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “I thought you only applied to schools in-state.”
You shake your head, pursing your lips before you respond. “That’s what I had planned originally, but my advisor pushed me to apply for this scholarship program at UCLA and… well, I got in.”
Thomas goes silent for a few moments as he looks off to the side, breathing deeply. It’s hard to tell what he’s feeling. Then, he lets out a low whistle. “Full-ride to UCLA, huh?” He says softly before he turns to look at you. 
“Thomas…” You start, your voice soft and full of worry, but he continues to talk.
“Are you going to accept it?” He asks and you nod slowly. 
Ideally, you have no other real choice; by going to UCLA you’d graduate with zero debt. And with UCLA’s engineering program and opportunities that other schools can’t fulfill, it fills all the boxes you want in a university.
“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. Really. I’m glad they recognize how amazing you are.” The tone in Thomas’ voice is fond and he’s absolutely sure of the words he’s saying. “It’s far away, I know, but we can make it work.” 
The emotions in his eyes are conflicting, but they still hold unrelenting love and support in them. When you hesitate to respond, his eyes search yours, trying to find some sort of answer in them, but before he can decipher anything, you tear your gaze from his.
“Right?” He asks as his grip on your palm loosens until your hand falls back into your lap, the warmth from Thomas’ fingers completely vanished. “Baby, talk to me. Please.”
“Thom, I… I want to think that but I’m not sure.” You admit quietly, and having said that, you can see something in Thomas’ composure crumble.
He shakes his head. “Nah, don’t you say that. We can make this work, Y/N.” His voice wavers slightly as he stands up and runs a hand over his curls, smoothing them back and away from his face. “I haven’t accepted the offer at UVA. I can decline and apply to UCLA—”
“T, I’m not going to ask you to do that—” You start, but he cuts you off.
“You don’t have to ask me, love. I’m willing to do this all on my own. Like I said, we can make this work. I’ll improvise. My parents can afford it, then I can just join the football team as a walk-on. I’m confident I’ll make it. Since they didn’t give me an offer I’ll prove them wrong and be the best damn walk-on they ever had.”
“Thomas, don’t—”
“I can also have my dad send the head coach a letter. I didn’t wanna pull that for any other schools because I wanted to earn all my offers — and because of the whole nepotism thing — but I’ll make an exception for—”
“Thomas, please!” You raise your voice and when he finally stops, you immediately regret it. You’ve never raised your voice like that with him before and doing so right now feels terrible. 
“Please, T, just stop. I don’t want you to do any of that for me. How long have you been waiting for UVA to give you a chance? How many letters have you personally written to Coach Michaels, begging him to consider you for one of their open receiver positions?”
Thomas is silent as you speak, knowing full well that you have a point. You continue.
“You’ve been set on UVA as your top school for a couple months now. Don’t forget how hyped you were when you finally got the offer this morning. And now you want to just throw that away? No. I’m sorry, Thom, but I am not going to be the one to take it away from you.”
“You’re not.” He says earnestly. “Taking it away from me, I mean. I want to do this for you. For us. UCLA has a good football program, too, all I have to do is pull some strings if you’ll let me.”
You shake your head at him. “Okay, well I’m not letting you do that. Thomas, it’s not as easy as you’re making it seem. Think about this, okay? Think about yourself and your football career and all the opportunities that you’ll have for yourself down in Virginia. Don’t let me get in the way of that! I don’t want each of us to be an obstacle in each other’s successes.”
Thomas gives you an incredulous look and stills himself. “Are you serious? Is that what you consider our relationship? An obstacle?”
You look away, sighing. “No, T, I… I didn’t mean it like that, you know that.”
“No, Y/N. I don’t know that.” He looks at you with a distressed gaze, all traces of comfort and playfulness gone and replaced with hurt… caused by you — something you never would have thought you’d see in his eyes. 
“Look, I don’t wanna talk about this right now. Today’s supposed to be your day.”
“Let me get one thing straight, Y/N. Our relationship is not an obstacle… it never has been and it never will be.” Thomas says coldly and you cringe when he calls you by your full name in a tone that’s less than friendly.
“I just don’t want our love for each other to get in the way of…” You trail off, but decide against speaking mid-sentence. “You know what, nevermind.”
“Get in the way of what?”
“Thomas,” you start, making eye contact with him once again. “I don’t want to get in the way of your football career. It’s unfair; I can’t do that to you, T. You deserve to make the most of your career in college so that you can make it to the NFL. That’s your dream, right? To play in the NFL for the New York Giants like your father did. Am I right?”
His jaw clenches slightly as he nods, and you continue.
“The coach at UVA believes in you — even through your injury. Why are you going to throw that away? In order to be with your high school girlfriend? Do you see how childish that sounds?” A beat of silence passes before you continue in a softer tone. 
“I just… I don’t want you to do that, Thomas, it’s too big of a risk. You have a solid spot at UVA to prove yourself on the field. If you drop that for a walk-on position at UCLA, it’ll be a mistake. Instead of proving yourself to NFL recruiters, you’ll be set on proving yourself to college coaches just to get a chance on the field. I want you to have the best chances at making it to the NFL.” Now it’s your turn to stand up. You pace away from him as you continue to speak. 
“Let’s say you do follow me to UCLA and join the football program. What if… what if something happens while we’re in college and we’re not together anymore? What will happen? You’d have potentially messed up your career for me and I don’t want that to happen, T. I’m sorry but I won’t let that happen.”
Thomas holds a hand up to stop you from your ramblings. He speaks his next words slowly.  “Wait, wait, hold on now. You think we’re going to break up in college?”
You roll your eyes in frustration, crossing your arms defensively. “That’s not what I said—”
“No, no that’s exactly what you said.” He responds coldly, narrowing his eyes at you. “I’m starting to question our intentions in this relationship, Y/N. Did you ever plan on us being long term?”
“See, this is why I didn’t wanna tell you. I didn’t want this to happen.” You say, annoyed that it’s gotten to this point of you two having an argument.
“You just gonna ignore my question?”
“Before applying to schools, T, I wasn’t even thinking about the future. I was taking things day by day. We were both pent up in our little perfect world, but right now we need to face reality.”
“Okay, so then why’d you keep this a secret from me? Were you plannin’ on keepin’ this to yourself until graduation? I don’t know if you knew this, sweetheart, but a relationship is a two-way street and involves a little somethin’ called communication.” His snarky tone fills the room and has you rolling your eyes again. “Girlfriends aren’t supposed to lie to their boyfriends and then get mad at him for reacting a certain way when she finally decides to tell him huge news.”
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” You say, breathing out another sigh and softening up at his last sentence. He’s right; you shouldn’t have kept it a secret. “I wanted to tell you, I just, I don’t know what’s gonna happen after we graduate, okay? And I’m scared.”
“You don’t think we can work through that together? As a team?” Thomas’ eyes are begging you to reason with him. “I’m scared, too, but we’ll figure something out. Right?”
The look in your eyes is distant as you cast them down to the ground. “Yeah.”
“Maybe we could do a long distance thing. I’ve seen other couples do it.”
You fiddle with a loose thread on your sweater. “I don’t know, T. We’ll see if we can come up with something.”
He rolls his eyes and huffs out a hot-tempered laugh. “Okay.” He says shortly.
“What?”
“So you don’t want me to drop everything and go to UCLA with you, which is fine. I understand that. But now you’re telling me that you don’t wanna do long distance?”
“I didn’t say that, I just— we need to be realistic, Thom.”
“What does that even mean?!” He yells, and it’s the first time he’s ever raised his voice at you. You hate it.
“We have to keep the future in mind!”
“I want you in my future! Don’t you want me in your future?”
“We both have different ideas of what we want. Different dreams, okay? You can’t have your dream of making it to the NFL and also have me when I plan on going to an engineering program across the country!” 
You’re deflecting and he knows it.
“Answer the damn question, Y/N.” He says lowly, his voice taking on a dangerous edge.
“Of course I want you in my future, Thomas!” You say exasperatedly, looking at the ceiling. “What kind of question is that?”
“Forgive me if I’m strugglin’ to believe that when you’re actin’ like this.” He says, his voice taking a more neutral tone, but he sounds exhausted. “You’re going to school across the country and you were hesitant to tell me - fine. I fucking get it. But you can’t just say that we’ll probably break up in college and think that that is fucking okay. It’s not! And you can’t say ‘I don’t know’ about dating long distance when that’s literally the only other option we have.”
“That’s the thing, Thomas. I don’t know if that’s the only other option we have.”
His face looks puzzled as he looks at you for a few seconds before realization finally settles in. Thomas narrows his eyes at you once again, his gaze cold, making your heart drop in your chest. “You wanna break up, don’t you?”
“No.” You state, choosing your words carefully. “I don’t want to. But we have to think about—”
“Our future, yeah. I get it.” Thomas snaps, cutting you off. “You know what? You want to talk about the future? Fine. Maybe we should.” He says simply, crossing his arms. “If you think we’re just going to break up in college anyway, maybe we should just speed up the process and get it over with.”
You shake your head at him. “Thomas, don’t do this. That’s not what I want.”
“Isn’t it?”
“It’s not.”
“I find that extremely hard to believe.”
“I’m done arguing with you, Jefferson.” You breathe out tiredly, running a hand through your hair.
He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. He looks completely drained as he speaks again, his voice now calm. “What are we doing here, Y/N?”
A small silence fills the air before you answer quietly. “I don’t know, T.”
What are you both doing? Arguing about whether or not your relationship should continue after high school? Maybe you are being a little irrational about it, implying that you should break up before college and all. Thomas’ reaction to it all is understandable because he doesn’t want to lose you. However, he needs to be truthful to himself. Is this relationship going to work when the two of you are seeking entirely different career paths on opposite coasts?
What a fucking mess.
You hate that it’s gotten to this point. Your fear about telling Thomas and it going downhill has come true, and knowing that makes you even more emotional.
“Tommy… I…” You say sotto voce, on the edge of tears as you slowly reach for him, but he puts a hand up stopping you from moving any further. He turns his face so you can’t see his expression.
“Don’t, Y/N.” Thomas’ voice is firm, but it breaks slightly when he says your name. “Just don’t.” He whispers.
You watch him and he struggles to keep himself together. You hate that you’ve done this to him, that you’re making him feel this way… you hate that you’ve caused this.
“I’m gonna go…” You voice (barely above a whisper) after a long silent pause, not trusting your normal voice due to the shaky deep breaths that begin to rack your body. You’re on the verge of breaking down.
Thomas nods. “I think you should.”
And that breaks your heart.
You feel weird leaving like this, gross even. You don’t want to leave things off like they are. You don’t want to leave things unresolved and you don’t want to leave with Thomas still angry at you. Still, though, you grab all your things and head to the doorway of his room.
Pausing to look back at him, you open your mouth to say something, but hesitate. Deciding against it, you turn to open the door and leave without another word.
⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆
You call Maria as soon as you get to your car. She helps you keep your composure as you drive to her house, keeping you company via phone. You make sure to send your family a quick text of your whereabouts and that you plan to spend the night at Maria’s place.
As soon as you arrive in her bedroom and drop your bag to the ground, you break down and begin to sob, crashing into the welcoming arms of your best friend. You cry until you can’t anymore, and Maria is there for you the entire time hugging you and easing you through it.
She stays there, quiet and still, allowing you to let out all of your emotions. You don’t tell her the details about what happened until after you have no tears left to cry.
“Don’t be mad at T, please, none of this is his fault.” You sniffle, wiping at your nose with a tissue Maria gave you. “It’s all mine.”
“Y/N, don’t blame yourself for all this. You just want what’s best for the both of you in the long run. If he doesn’t understand that, then he’s just not seeing the whole picture.”
“I just hate arguing with him, Maria.” You say weakly, wiping at your face to dry your tears. “This is our first fight and I hate how I feel right now. I don’t want things to end on bad terms. How am I supposed to get over this feeling once we… if we break up before college?”
“You don’t have to end things on bad terms, Y/N.” Maria says softly. “You both need to be on the same page about this. If you both make a plan and sort things out, then maybe you can leave things on a positive note. Not as a goodbye, but as a see you later, you know? And if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. You’ll meet again one day and you can pick up where you left off. But if it’s not, then at least you guys can cherish what you had when you were just two kids in high school who didn’t know any better and made the most of their teenage years.”
You nod slowly. She does have a point, and this is all what you were thinking when you had even brought up the thought of breaking up after graduation.
“How do you always know the right thing to say?”
“It’s my best friend superpower. I can’t help it.” She shrugs, making you laugh, even if it was only a half-hearted one. “Seriously, though. You two need to have an honest conversation with one another.”
You sigh, wiping the rest of your drying tears away with the tissue. “I think we both could use some space right now, though. I’m going to wait until Monday.”
Maria nods. “Monday. But you have to talk to him. You can’t chicken out. I know you, Y/N.”
“Sometimes a little too well…”
“All for the best.” She grins.
⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆
After a long and lonely weekend, Monday finally comes and you make sure to wake up earlier than usual in order to make it to school in time for when Thomas comes out of his physical therapy session with his track trainer.
You haven’t called, texted, or seen each other since Friday night and the guilt and heaviness from what happened still weighs on your chest despite the reassuring words from Maria. 
Patiently and nervously, you wait outside the boys’ locker room like you have countless times before, only this time, things feel much different. The anticipation lingers in the air surrounding you and you feel the stress push at your shoulders until the door finally opens and Thomas walks out.
After over a year of dating, you still get butterflies at the sight of him even though he’s just wearing simple black jeans and a t-shirt.
As he shrugs on his jean jacket and backpack, he glances up through a few stray curls that fall down in front of his eyes. His eyes flicker to you as he walks in your direction before he rips them away quickly. 
“T, hey how was…?” You try to speak to him, but he just continues to walk past you.
You watch him as he goes on like nothing, completely disregarding your presence.
“You’re still mad…” You trail off, falling into step with him and his pace doesn’t falter.
He doesn’t say a word.
“Listen, I know you probably don’t wanna see me right now, but please hear me out.”
Still nothing.
You know he’s still upset; he only gets quiet when he has a lot on his mind or he’s going through something. Taking in a deep breath, you speed up so that you can get in front of him.
“Thomas, hey, stop.” You say, putting a hand on his chest. You know that if he really wants to charge past you he can, but instead he stays there, halted by your touch. He looks down at you, his face nearing yours, and your eyes plead with his. “Please.” You whisper, your fingers curling into his black shirt to hold him there (or maybe it’s more of a way to ground yourself).
Thomas’ detached gaze lingers on your face and as your eyes search his, you note just how devoid of energy he looks. 
“I just want to talk. I…” You watch him as he breaks your gaze to look at the ground. “I know I fucked up; I said some things I shouldn’t have. Just please let me make it up to you. I need you, T. I want to fix this while we still can.”
You sneak a glance around you to see that you’ve attracted some attention from your fellow classmates who are unapologetically staring. Do they know about you and Thomas’ fight? How could they possibly know? You two are hardly making a scene, but then again… people are vultures who will perk up at even the slightest bit of drama.
“Can we go somewhere private? Please? Just the two of us.”
Thomas licks his lips as he looks around, then back at you lazily. “Can this wait? We have class in six minutes, you know.”
“Let’s skip.” You say, causing him to raise his eyebrows in surprise. “This is more important than class today, okay? How about we go to that diner down the street?”
“It’s a little too early for a milkshake and fries, isn’t it?”
“They have eggs and waffles, too.” You say, your eyes pleading him to accept your offer. “Please? I know you love breakfast.”
He’s quiet for a few more minutes and you wait in anticipation for his answer. Just when you get your hopes down and think he’s going to reject you, he speaks up.
“Okay.” He responds finally. “But only because I really don’t want to watch boring presentations about the social cognitive theory in my Psych class…”
You breathe out a sigh of relief. “That’s good enough for me, T.”
“Bribin’ me with breakfast. You know that shit’s my weakness…” He mutters under his breath as he shakes his head. You’re not sure if he’d meant for you to hear that, but either way it makes a hint of a grin form on your lips.
“Come on, I’ll drive.”
⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆
When you get to the diner, it’s fairly empty except for an elderly couple at a booth and a man at the counter drinking a cup of coffee. The smell of eggs and bacon wafts through the air and enters your nostrils as you breathe in.
A waitress greets you when you two slide into a booth, sitting across from each other. She hands you both menus and gets your drink orders before she’s off.
Silence fills the air between you as you both look over your menus. Thomas doesn’t say anything and it feels weird, suddenly reminding you of why you’re here in the first place. While from an outside perspective it may look like a normal outing between you two, you can feel the lingering tension in the air that’s leftover from Friday night. Unspoken feelings and unresolved problems still remain. 
You sneak a glance at him over your menu only to find him already staring back at you. As soon as your eyes meet, he looks away.
“I feel really bad about Friday.” You finally break the silence, your voice small. Wanting nothing more than to let him know how you feel, you try to catch his gaze. When his brown eyes finally meet yours, you continue. “I hate the way we left things…”
“Me too.” He finally says softly. You two stare at each other for a few more seconds and Thomas opens his mouth to continue. “I…”
Then, the waitress comes back with a couple water cups and two black coffees, interrupting whatever it was that Thomas was about to say. You and Thomas direct your attention to her with fake smiles as she asks for your orders. 
After she takes your menus and leaves, you let out a sigh as you look down at your fidgeting hands.
“Listen, T…” You begin, regret and guilt evident in your voice. You make sure to look up and meet his gaze one more time before you continue. “I'm sorry for lying to you and your family — I should have told you the day I found out, but I was too afraid of losing what we have. And I'm sorry for fucking up your day when we were supposed to be celebrating instead.” 
You stop to take in a shaky deep breath, looking down at your hands once again. “I’m so sorry if I made it seem like I was doubting our relationship or… or if I made you feel like I didn’t… like you weren’t…” Struggling to find the right way to express how sorry you are, your tone gets more and more emotional as you stumble over your words.
Thomas saves you from your struggle, however, as his hand reaches across the table to cover yours, causing you to look up at him with surprise. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
“What?” You voice breathlessly. “I… I thought you were still mad. It shouldn’t be that easy. Why are you…?”
He shrugs slowly. “Because you’re not entirely at fault… and as much as I want to stay angry, I can’t stand seein’ you in distress like this.”
You purse your lips and squeeze his hand in yours. “I’m still really sorry, T. I want you to know that. I said some things I regret and…”
“I know you are. Especially after seeing you try to fix things today by not takin’ no for an answer earlier. We both said some things we regret and it’s okay, Y/N. Really.” His voice is soft as he responds. “I’m sorry for yellin’ and not fully listenin’ to what you were sayin’. And for bein’ kind of a dick to you earlier when I ignored you. I was in denial. I just felt like you were givin’ up on us too quickly and I… I don’t wanna mess up what we have. I really don’t.”
Your eyes soften at his words. “I know. Me neither.”
You both are quiet for a few seconds as you both struggle to find a way to address the elephant in the room. 
Luckily, you both get interrupted by the waitress again who comes back with your orders. You let go of each other’s hand when your plates are placed in front of you. Your mouth waters at the sight of your food, and you thank your waitress before she leaves again, telling you to let her know if you need anything else.
A comfortable silence falls in the space between you and Thomas, and though you feel that the tension from Friday night has now dissipated, the stress of the upcoming conversation still sits on your shoulders.
Surprisingly, Thomas is the one who initiates it.
“So…” He starts after chasing a mouthful of pancakes with a sip of water. “I’m guessin’ you won’t be comin’ back to town on holiday breaks?”
You cringe at the bluntness of the question. “What made you assume that?”
He shrugs, chewing his food before swallowing. “Just the way you were so helpless with your options. Thinking back to it, I figure that you probably wouldn’t have jumped to the possibility of breaking up unless you’d already thought things through somewhat.”
Very observant of him.
You nod before letting out a small sigh. “Yeah. My family’s planning on moving to Miami once I move out. Apparently they’re tired of the cold weather and wanted to wait to move until I graduated high school. They let me know when I told them the news.”
“Erik, too?”
“He’s staying in Philly until he graduates next Spring.”
“Well, that sucks.” He says, picking at the leftovers on his plate.
“Yeah.” You reply softly. “I just… I don’t know what to do anymore, Thomas. I thought the answer was clear, but now I’m not so sure.”
He sighs, putting his fork down before looking up at you. “I think I do.”
Your eyebrows furrow as you tilt your head in confusion.
Thom sighs, leaning back in his seat. “Well, for starters, you’re always right, let me just put that out there.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. Well, for this instance, at least.” He says simply before he continues. “As much as I hate to say it, I don’t think we’ve got options here.”
“Yes we do, you said it yourself, T.”
“We don’t, Y/N, you were right. I didn’t wanna believe it before but now, I don’t think I have a choice.” He says, holding your gaze firmly. “The two of us going to the same school is out of the picture. Especially with application deadlines already being passed - I checked and I don’t know what I was thinking on Friday. And with us not going to be able to see each other even on holiday breaks… I don’t think that leaves anythin’ else on the table.”
“Thomas, really, you don’t have to do this. Don’t let me pressure you into something you don’t wanna do. Like you said, a relationship’s a two way street. We can work something out. I don’t know what, but we’ll try something else.”
“You’re not pressuring me, Y/N. What would that ‘something else’ be? Long distance? The chances of us visiting each other are slim, especially since I’ll be stuck at UVA for the majority of summer break for training camp. Especially since you’ll be in California and especially since you have no incentive to come back to town after you graduate.”
“You’re my incentive, T.”
He licks his lips and lets out a small laugh. “Baby, don’t fight me on this; you wanted this. Why the shift?”
“I don’t wanna lose you.” You say, voice quiet and close to tears.
Thomas reaches out across the table for your hand again. You lace your fingers with his and hold tightly. “I know. I don’t want to lose you either, but you were right, sweetheart. Seeing each other once a year isn’t good enough, let’s be real. I think we’d be hurting more than we'd be happy.”
You let out a long, deep sigh, squeezing his hand. He’s absolutely right and you knew this when you started this conversation on Friday — doesn’t mean that you don’t want to avoid it, though.
“We… we should…” He hesitates to continue the sentence. “We— God, why is this so hard?”
“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, T.”
He takes a deep breath before the words finally come out. “We should break up. This summer.”
It sounds foreign coming out of his mouth and his change in viewpoint surprises you still, even after talking it through with him.
“I don’t wanna be your shackle, Y/N.” He says, squeezing your hand comfortingly. “I want you to do great things without worryin’ about me. Just like you were sayin’ on Friday. And I don’t wanna risk getting to a point where we grow too distant we lose all hope.”
Your eyes tear up a little bit and you reach up to wipe at your eyes with your free hand.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m lettin’ you off easy, missy.” Thomas looks at you pointedly, his voice wavering slightly. He lets out a small bittersweet laugh before he continues. “I’m gonna consider this more of a ‘see you later’ than a ‘goodbye forever’ kinda thing. At some point, I don’t know or care when, we’ll continue where we left off. Mark my words.”
You laugh, wiping away a stray tear. You’ve definitely heard those words before. “Have you been talking to Maria lately?”
He gives you a confused look. “No, not since we went on that double date with her and Ellie like two weeks ago, why?”
“She said a similar thing to me when I vented to her this weekend.”
“Really? Oh. I thought I was clever for that one.”
“You were.” You smile, rubbing small circles on the top of his hand.
A comfortable silence settles. The waitress comes back with the check and you give her your card against Thomas’ protests. It’s not long before she comes back and wishes that you both have a good rest of your day.
“This is gonna fucking suck.” Thomas suddenly says bluntly.
“Yeah, it is.” You sigh. “But you know what? We’re gonna make the most of the next three months. We’ll laugh together, we’ll cry together, we’ll enjoy the good times, and when the time comes… we won’t look back. Then, maybe one day, when I’m an engineer and you’re in the NFL… we’ll meet again.”
He sends you a watery smile, giving your hand a small squeeze. “I’m countin’ on it, sweetheart.”
You reciprocate his smile as a small silence stretches in between you two.
Thomas’ eyes fall onto his untouched (and probably now cold) coffee and with his free hand he reaches for the cream. You take that as a sign to let his hand go to let him tend to his glorified bean water, but as you try to withdraw your fingers from his, he just holds on tighter.
“Um, excuse me? What do you think you’re doin’?” He asks, glancing at you like you just committed a sin. 
“Don’t you need to pour creamer?” You raise an eyebrow, wondering what the big deal is. “I don’t want you to spill it.”
“Girl, I can pour creamer with one hand, thank you very much.” And there’s the Thomas you know and love, not that he was ever absent in the first place, but it’s good to see him messing around again. “Let me hold your hand in peace because God knows how many more times I’ll get to do it. I gotta savor it.”
“Stoppp.” You whine, drawing the word out. “This is how you’re gonna act until graduation, isn’t it?”
“You complainin’, sweetheart?” He fake pouts as he carefully pours the cream in his coffee and stirs with a spoon. “I thought you loved me.”
You roll your eyes. “You know I love your dramatic ass.”
“Mhm. In more ways than one.” Thomas hums before he takes a sip of his coffee. He cringes when he realizes it’s cold and you laugh at his reaction.
“Ready to go yet?” You ask, amused.
He nods. “We’re not going back to class, though, are we? Because if that’s the case, then no.”
“What? Hell no. Who do you think I am?” You say as you both mutually let go of each other’s hand to get up from the booth.
“A goody-two-shoes, that’s what you are. Really, baby, I didn’t expect you to mention skipping class. That’s like… blasphemy for you.”
You shrug as he holds the front door open for you. “Guess you’re rubbing off on me.”
Thomas gives you a suggestive look and that causes you to smack his arm. “God, Thomas, not like that. Jesus.”
He lets out a full-bodied laugh as you approach your car and he grabs you by the waist as he leans back against the driver’s door. He presses a kiss to your forehead, hugging you close to him. “Just messin’.”
You roll your eyes before you pull back to look him up and down.
“When’d you get this jacket? Haven’t seen you in it before.” You muse, bringing your hands up to grab the denim on each side of his collar.
“A week ago? Maybe two? This is my first time wearing it, though.” He answers before he smirks. “Why? You like it?”
“Yeah, you look good in denim.”
“Do I, now?” He cocks his head slightly, amused as your face drifts closer.
“Mhm. The jacket really suits you.” You hum, releasing the material with one of your hands to slide it up to his jaw. You give him a soft kiss on his lips before you pull back. “Might look better on the floor, though. I don’t know. We’ll have to try and find out.”
Thomas’ eyebrows shoot up in surprise; he hadn’t expected you to turn the suggestive talk around on him. A smirk forms on his lips as he presses them to yours one more time.
“Your parents home?” He mumbles against you.
You pull away slightly to think about it for a second. “No, actually.”
“Well, then I guess we’re about to find out.”
⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆
Over the next few months, you and Thomas keep the promise you gave to each other at the diner. You’ve stayed positive and lived in the moment and, to be honest, those three months have probably been the best three months of your life.
You and Thom are both making the most of your time, making sure to spend almost every weekend together. 
You study together even though you don’t share any classes. Most of the time is spent doing homework in silence, but you still enjoy each other’s presence.
For spring break, you go on a trip to the beach with Thomas, Maria, Ellie, James, Aaron, and a few more mutual friends. The week is full of banter and lots of fun-filled memories that you’ll remember for many years to come. It’s definitely one of the many highlights of senior year.
Thomas, being his over-the-top self, asks you to prom by spelling ‘Prom?’ out with bouquets of roses on your front lawn. And as if that isn’t enough, you wake to the sound of a live orchestral quartet playing your favorite song. You groggily walk over to your window to see where the sound is coming from and you’re met with the sight of your boyfriend grinning up at you with his arms gesturing around him proudly.
Of course you say yes. 
You would have said yes even if he had asked you casually — but what can you say… you’re a sucker for flowers and he knows it.
Prom night is an absolute blast. You feel like a stunner in your dress and Thomas looks unbelievably handsome in his fitted tux. You stay together the entire night, dancing, singing, laughing, and joking around with both your and his friends.
You almost lose track of the amount of date nights you have with Thomas. You have movie nights, some nights you go rollerskating, concerts, restaurants, hell, you even go paintballing together, which is something that neither of you had ever thought you’d get into.
But as June grows closer and closer, you can’t help but feel that heaviness settle back into your chest. You’d be lying if you said that you haven’t thought about backing out of this agreement the two of you have. In fact, you’ve spent countless nights lying wide awake (sometimes right next to Thomas), trying to figure out how things would go if you decide to stay together.
With your parents deciding to move down to Miami a week after you graduate, it pushes the day you move out to LA earlier than you had originally intended, which makes the idea of staying together seem next to impossible. Your mother says that it’ll be a good opportunity for you to get to know the LA area before classes start in August. 
This causes you and Thomas to have a more in-depth conversation about the plan and it ends with you two deciding to break it off a week before your big move. Both of you are in agreement that it would be best for the both of you, so that you have some time to recover. You figure it will be easier that way.
So, when the time comes to start packing your things for your move to California (and your parents’ move to Florida), you get stressed out. You notice that Thomas’ and your enthusiasm/positivity starts to fade as the date of graduation creeps closer and closer.
Which brings you to the present.
On the day of graduation, reality finally hits you. Because not only are you recognizing the fact that you’re leaving the love of your life in eight days to go to school in Cali, you’re also leaving Maria who has been a constant in your life since elementary school.
Maria plans to stay in town and go to community college to knock out all her general education classes before she transfers to a four-year university. Luckily, her girlfriend Ellie has the same idea, so they’ll be taking the same path after high school.
At least they will be together.
Unlike you and Thom, who are currently posing for a photo together for his and your parents who stand behind their phones grinning and teary eyed. You both give your best smiles to the cameras, trying to preserve the memory as best as possible without breaking.
Surprisingly, you and Thomas have stayed strong despite the impending suspension of your relationship that lingers in the atmosphere between you. Although teary eyed because you are saying goodbye to a lot of friends and faculty you’ve gotten to know over the years, you and Thomas don’t cry on graduation day. You don’t cry during the ceremony, you don’t cry during the many pictures you take that day, and you don’t cry at the large family dinner the Jefferson household holds for both you and Thomas.
You’ve both toughed it out both privately and in public. But graduation day eventually comes to its inevitable end, and the day after begins, marking your last day with Thomas Jefferson as your boyfriend.
The two of you make your last day special and have a day-long picnic in a nearby park. You wake up early and spend the entire day together, laughing, kissing, talking, and having as much fun as you can with the inevitable future looming over your heads. You both make the best of your time together, and that’s really all you can ask for.
As the day goes by, your time together begins to run out. And both of your composures begin to fade as each second passes.
While your curfew to be back home is 10pm, you and Thomas decide to hold onto each other a bit longer, so he drives you home and you sneak him into your room when your parents are too busy packing in the basement. They know that this is your last day with Thomas, so when you’re distracting them while Thomas makes his way up the stairs, you tell them that you’re going to sleep early. They comfort you for a few minutes but leave you to your own grief, knowing to respect your wish of ‘sleeping the night off.’
Little do they know, you and Thomas decide to have one more special night together. 
When you finally make your way up to your bedroom, Thomas is sitting on your bed, glancing at the half-empty boxes in the corner of your room that need to be filled. Half of your room is packed up, but you’ve put off packing lately to spend time with Thom before you physically can’t anymore.
You let out a sniffle and you don’t realize that you are on the verge of crying until you see Thomas begin to break, too.
“Come here.” He murmurs, standing up from your bed to pull you into a tight hug. 
You both cry into each other’s shoulders, fully letting yourselves go emotionally as you let out your pent up sadness. You’re getting each other’s clothing wet with tears, but neither of you care as you cling onto each other, not wanting to let go.
You don’t know how long you stay there or how long it takes until both of you calm down enough so that your tears fall silently.
“I told you this was gonna fucking suck.” Thomas mumbles against you, causing you to let out a laugh and sob at the same time.
You don’t respond, but after a few seconds, you pull away from his shoulder to look at him. Silence stretches between you before you whisper, “I love you.”
“I love you.” He echoes without hesitation before he leans his forehead against yours. You both bask in each other’s presence for a few more beats until Thomas speaks again, his words shaking. “Football won’t be the same without you, Y/N. I won’t be the same without you.”
“You played football for years before I became a part of your life. You’ll be fine, T.” You say quietly, though you are absolutely sure of your words. You bring a hand up to cup his cheek and wipe some of his tears away. “You’re gonna move on and be great and show people what you’re capable of.”
Silence stretches between the two of you before you take a step away from him as you remember something. Thomas frowns at your sudden withdrawal, but you explain yourself as you both wipe at your faces to dry them as best as each of you can.
“That reminds me…” You say, digging into one of the open boxes in the corner of your room until you feel a familiar piece of fabric. You pull out Thomas’ purple hoodie — the one he gave to you the night you officially became a couple. Damn, it feels so long ago now, but it hasn’t even been two years. “Here. You should probably take this back.”
He lets out a small laugh and takes the purple fabric from you to examine it. He seems lost in thought, but after a few moments, he shakes his head and hands it back to you. “Nah. Keep it.”
When you don’t take it, his hand reaches out to one of yours and he wraps your fingers around the fabric. You try to protest, but he continues.
“Don’t want you forgettin’ about me, now, do we?” He chuckles dryly.
“I won’t forget you, Thomas.” Your voice sounds so sure of your words that Thomas has no choice but to believe you.
He swallows and looks down for a second before he glances back into your eyes. “I know.”
“You’re gonna forget about me, though.”
Thomas shakes his head and his eyebrows scrunch together and he looks like he’s about to break again before he reaches out to pull you close.
“Never.” He mumbles into your hair before he pulls back. “Hey, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget you, Y/N Y/L/N. I couldn’t even if I tried.”
He brings his hands up to cup both sides of your face. His thumbs brush some fresh tears away before he continues to talk. “These eyes? Unforgettable. This beautiful face? Ingrained in my brain forever, sweetheart, I promise you that.” One of his thumbs lightly brushes over your lips. “Don’t even get me started on these lips. I’ll miss them for sure.”
Thomas pauses for a second before his beautiful brown eyes gaze into yours, letting you know that he truly means his next words. “I’m never going to forget any part of you, Y/N.”
You stay there, gazing at one another with nothing but pure love and admiration. Without breaking eye contact, you gingerly put Thomas’ hoodie (which is apparently yours now) back in the box you removed it from. You reach up to pull Thomas’ lips down to yours passionately. 
Thomas responds, instantly reciprocating the kiss with the same amount of emotion that you pour into it. He moves his hands from your cheeks to pull your body closer to him. Your hand digs into the material of his shirt and suddenly, you can’t get enough of each other. You both need more — to be closer — but neither of you rush anything. You take it slow and try to take in every little detail about each other.
As layer after layer of clothing comes off, you two savor the feeling of each other’s lips, bodies, and touch. Every soft moan, every sigh, every gasp, every kiss… each and every moment that you spend with each other is savored in one final heat-filled act of love.
Afterwards, you both lie in your bed under the blankets, Thomas’ arm around your naked body and your head on his bare chest. You cherish each other’s presence for one final time, basking in silence until Thomas finally breaks it, his voice barely above a whisper.
“You still sure about this, sweetheart?”
You are quiet for a few seconds before you answer, sotto voce. “Yeah, T.” You listen to his steady heartbeat as you bring your hand up to rest on his torso. “You?”
He nods slowly. “Yeah.”
A few seconds pass and you subconsciously trace little circles on his abdomen with your thumb. Thomas’ arm tightens around your waist as he pulls your closer.
“I’m sorry things have to end this way.” He mumbles against you, his deep voice reverberating throughout his chest.
“Don’t be.” You murmur, exhausted from the emotional toll this day has taken on you. But you wouldn’t trade it for the world — unless there’s a way where it doesn’t end with you and Thomas going your separate ways.
You shake your head at yourself for thinking so negatively. You promised each other something back at that diner.
“It’s not the end, T.” You speak out loud, shifting so that your head rests on the pillow and you’re face to face with Thomas. “You said it yourself before and now it’s my turn to say it: this is a ‘see you later,’ alright? So I better fucking see you later, or else.”
He laughs (oh, you’re gonna miss that laugh) and his hand slides up the curve of your hip to pull himself closer to you. “Back at ya, princess.”
You both sniffle, but you know that your time together, for the time being, at least, has come to an end — especially as both of you begin to drift off no matter how hard you try to stay awake.
“I don’t want to say goodbye.” You whisper in Thomas’ warm embrace.
Thomas responds after he brushes a strand of your hair behind your ear. “You don’t have to.” 
So neither of you do. 
And you both fall asleep, bodies entangled with one another, content to be in each other’s embrace one last time before you move away.
The next morning, Thomas wakes up before you do and he slowly untangles himself from you as he wills himself to stay strong. He dresses himself as quietly as he can before he presses one last kiss to your temple.
Then, he takes one last look at your sleeping form before he leaves, keeping his word to you and not giving either of you a chance to say your goodbyes.
⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆
A week later, your heart beats frantically as you drop a box of things you plan on leaving behind against the wall outside of your room.
It’s minutes before you’re supposed to leave for the airport — you want to leave early in case something goes wrong and you get delayed. Sighing, you walk back into your empty room to check for any last things you may have missed packing into the many boxes that are already stashed into your parents’ car.
“Y/N?” You hear your brother call out from downstairs. “I think there’s someone waiting for you outside.”
Who could it be? You’ve already said your goodbyes to Maria earlier that day when she’d helped you finish packing.
Erik gives you a sad smile as you pass by and you give him a confused look.
“What? Who is it?” You ask, eyebrows raised. “You know we have to leave in a few, right?”
“You’ll see.” Erik says, causing you to sigh.
After determining that your final sweep (even though you’ve done it three times now) is done, you make your way past Erik and open the front door. When you make it onto your driveway, you’re shocked to see Thomas Jefferson standing there with a sheepish grin and his hands in his pockets, looking as handsome as ever.
“Thomas…” You trail off, surprised to see him after your last day together the week prior. “What are you doing here?”
Your boyfriend (well… ex now, technically) walks closer and takes his hands out of his pockets. You can see him fidgeting with his fingers as he speaks. “I uh…” He breathes out a nervous laugh before one of his hands reaches up to rub the back of his neck. 
You watch him from a few feet away as he struggles to get his words out.
“Well, I… as your… not-boyfriend wanted to say goodbye.” He says softly, shifting his eyes to the ground briefly before looking back up to gaze into yours. “I changed my mind. Leaving without saying goodbye just gutted me and made me feel like we had unfinished business. I had to see you one more time, Y/N. I-I’m sorry.” Thomas’ voice is unstable as he apologizes and you feel tears well up in your eyes as he continues. “I know this breaks our agreement and everything, but I couldn’t just let you leave before—”
You cut him off by stalking forward to wrap him into a crushing hug — a hug the two of you desperately need at the moment. Thomas doesn’t waste a second before his arms encircle your waist to hold you just as tightly to him.
Even though you had spent the entire day with each other just a week prior, the need to see each other — to feel each other — one last time has consumed you both. You agree that waking up to an empty bed without saying a proper goodbye (even though it’s what you had initially wanted) had crushed you, and it had caused you to be an emotional wreck to the following two days.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbles, sniffling before letting out a bittersweet laugh. “I just made this so much more fucking difficult for us.”
“It’s okay.” You reciprocate his laugh as tears stream down your face. “It’s so worth it, T.”
A few minutes pass by as you hold each other close.
“I know I’ve said this before, but I’m really gonna miss you.”
“I’m gonna miss you too, T.” You say quietly. “So much.”
You’ve lost track of time and your mother is the one to finally bring you and Thomas back to reality.
“Y/N, we gotta go, honey…” Your mom speaks as softly as possible from her position at the front door, and you can see the guilt on her face as she watches her daughter’s heart break. “You’re gonna be late for your flight.”
You turn back to Thomas and give him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t apologize, Y/N. You gave me the best year and eight months I could ever ask for… so thank you.”
You look up at him for a second before you sob and crash into his chest. “I love you.”
“I know. I love you, too.” He replies softly before he steels himself. “But you have a flight to catch. Which means you need to go.”
You give him one last kiss, it’s watery from both of your tears but neither of you care.
“Go be great.” He says when you pull back. “You deserve the world, Y/N.”
He holds your hand until the grip slips when you take a step towards the car.
“See you later, Thomas.”
He smiles through his tears before he replies. “I’ll see you later, sweetheart.”
You get in the car and a few seconds later, your mother pulls out of the driveway (apparently Erik and your father are going to drive separately). As the car drives away, Thomas waves from your driveway until you can’t see him anymore. You know that’s the last you’ll see of him for a while.
And maybe, just maybe, you regret leaving him behind.
But a voice lingers in the back of your mind that gives you some sort of relief:
If it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be.
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Note
Jimmy has no right to *that* hostile (ie downright homophobic). He already almost threw Thomas out onto the street without a reference; if anyone has a right to be scared it’s Thomas; he’s now aware everyone knows he’s gay and he knows at least one or two of those people(one of them being jimmy) would happily throw him under the bus given the chance. He’s literally never been so vulnerable and there’s no need for jimmy to rub it in
Hey Nonny you’re my first official fandom argument! Or you were when I first drafted this over a week ago lol. Since then I've waded into some drama bc I have poor impulse control. Well you're my first argumentative anon still! Do I get a prize, or do you? Have an, um apple of discord: 🍏And I will have one too: 🍏 (Intended tone: genuinely friendly, although if you are not already aware you should know that in fandom spaces messages like these are generally considered hostile acts. Most people don’t want to argue with strangers about why their faves suck, and especially not in response to tags they made about their overwhelmed shippy feelings. (Although I guess if hypothetically you’re the OP of the post I put the tags on and weren’t comfortable with them being on your post that’s admittedly a tough place to be in. Coming to me with your face on and asking me to remove my reblog or the tags because you’re not comfortable with them runs the risk of me being an asshole or taking something in your phrasing badly and starting a big fight. Uh, the chances of that seem rather remote so I’m gonna leave the tags where they are unless OP comes to me and says “I hadn’t wanted to say anything but actually -”.) Anyway I’m not gonna derail this into a long(er than it is) ramble on preferred ways to discuss disagreements in fandom but I might post something like that at a later date.)
God I use way too many parentheses. Apologies to any with a blacklist for Jimmy (do I still have any of those? not sure), obviously I don’t want to put this in the tags. I shall tag this and any further discourse on the subject with “the storyline that shall not be named”. Let’s get (finally) to it!
So, the first thing I wanna say is: yes, Jimmy makes homophobic comments and that’s bad, both because Thomas being gay is not the reason he assaulted Jimmy and because there’s hypothetically a chance someone who doesn’t already know might figure out Thomas’s sexuality based on Jimmy’s comment(s? There's the one before the rope tug and then I could have sworn there was one other one but I'm blanking on what it actually was.)However a) the moment I was commenting on wasn’t one of the homophobic comments and b) I find it important to distinguish between the specific manner of hostility (sometimes homophobic) and the level of hostility (nasty remarks and making a constant point of distancing himself) and the level is in fact 100% warranted. If you think nasty remarks and pointed distancing are more hostile than a person has a right to be towards the guy who sexually assaulted them, then we have a pretty profound disagreement.
As for your other point, regarding fear: Thomas and Jimmy both have very compelling reasons to be afraid of each other but I have to ask exactly what you think Jimmy is “rubbing in?” He initially tried to retaliate excessively against Thomas, backed down from that, and then discovered that instead of facing a reasonable consequence for assaulting him, such as being fired but with a reference that reflected the fact that this was one very bad mistake rather than a pattern*, Thomas was promoted to a position of direct authority over Jimmy. Although Jimmy was bribed into not making a fuss about this rather than, say, threatened, I think he has nonetheless been given a fairly clear message from his employers that they will back the senior coworker who assaulted him against any potential consequence he might try to bring. From Jimmy’s point of view, which is admittedly blinkered by fear and self interest, Thomas is the one in the secure, powerful position and Jimmy is the one extremely vulnerable.
I don't even just mean from his point of view like, ~emotionally. Genuine question: what would happen if Thomas started being overly touchy-feely again, or did worse than that, and Jimmy went to Mr. Carson or Mrs. Hughes or Lord Grantham to report it? I really don't know, and neither does Jimmy. Personally, I'm guessing that whether they believed him would probably depend significantly on things like Jimmy’s demeanor, and exactly what words he used, and basically whether he came across as a victim or as a brat trying to get someone in trouble. And which of those things a person seems like has no particular correlation to the facts of what they’re reporting - as we can see from what happened the first time! Like, Jimmy came off as spiteful and nasty and instead of being fired Thomas was promoted. That is actually what happened! The fact that Jimmy's motives were mixed doesn't change the fact of what Thomas did: Jimmy, when evaluating his safety, has access to one really strong datapoint and that’s that last time the majority of his superiors came down on Thomas’s side, either from the beginning or by the end.
Now, it’s true that he’s had a year to observe Thomas’s behavior and make an educated guess that Thomas really is sorry and won’t do it again. We can only speculate as to what extent he may have reached that conclusion and why he has or hasn’t. Some possible reasons why he might not have: trauma blinkers, homophobic and sexist beliefs, sufficiently bad at reading people to not know what clues to even look for, too self-centered to bother thinking about it in those terms... we don’t know. And perhaps he does know perfectly well that Thomas won't do anything like that again and any lingering fear is of cooties or of people mistaking him for gay and him being in the line of fire along with Thomas next time! You can read him that way if you want. You can say “wtf I see no fear of any kind”. It’s a flexible canon and none of these interpretations are actually contradicted by the text. Indeed I happily read other interpretations and when I babbled in those tags it was more "this is the interpretation I am thinking about right now" than intended to assert it as my One True Headcanon that I will not deviate from. But Jimmy definitely has reasons to be afraid, and of more than cooties.
Of course Thomas also has logical and emotional reasons to be afraid of what Jimmy might do, I'm certainly not denying that. (In fact, one of the things I find so compelling about these two is that they both have such strong reasons not to trust each other and they both reach out anyway.) It seems that Thomas’s belief in who Jimmy is as a person supersedes those reasons (“He wouldn’t be so unkind. Not on his own.”) but if Jimmy has a similar belief about who Thomas he keeps it hidden at least until the fair.
P.S. please reconsider the phrase “has the right to be scared” in every context but especially when discussing someone’s reaction to a situation that involved them being sexually assaulted. I offer you the alternative “logical reason to be scared” or "compelling reason" as perhaps capturing what I hope you meant. I think that’s a language choice that really does matter a fair bit.
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okmcintyre · 3 years
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I was tagged by @togetherkru , thanks so much for thinking of me! I loved reading your answers & these are always a lot of fun to fill out! 😊☀️
1. why did you choose your url?
I actually just updated my URL after nine long years, mostly because I was uber jealous of y’all with t100 specific usernames. 😅 The majority of my content is catered to that fandom, so it made sense to freshen it up. After ruling out my first choice (@madigriffin, I mean how cool would that be!) I decided that since I relate most to Harper’s energy I’d go with her last name.... and added a variation of my own first name that I thought looked cute. 
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2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them
Yes! Goodness I have private sideblogs for writing drafts/inspiration, and to organize gif-making tutorials that I like to keep on hand... then there’s my Bellarke Fanfiction sideblog (@twosuns-ofbellarke)... and I help out with a couple The 100 appreciation/edits pages. I have my old URL too, just in case I ever want to start using it again.
... And I do actually have @augustkomtrikru active too, which I’d intended to use as my main URL once the prequel started up that is, before Season 7B broke my damn heart and I vowed off anything Rothenberg related unless he goes back and fixes that mess that ended our beloved show. 🤷‍♀️
3. how long have you been on tumblr?
I joined on January 4, 2012.
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4. do you have a queue tag?
No, but I do tag original posts! 
#t100kt, #friendskt, #luciferkt, #tumblrkt, #liveblogkt, #ask away!
5. why did you start your blog in the first place?
I came to tumblr because I was struggling to find my groove on LiveJournal and Blogger (wow just aged myself there, didn’t I?👵). I liked that I could post different kinds of content here... and I was obsessed with Fringe, which was still on air. This quickly became the place I came for spoilers and spaz at all the beautiful gifs from the show.
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6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?
Because our fearless leaders marching away from the rover together, looking like badass supermodels, is a big mood! 💥
7. why did you choose your header?
It matched the icon & I found it in my old cell phone edits ready to go
8. what post of yours has the most notes?
This Clarke & Bellamy post from Season 6, with 1700+ notes.
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9. how many mutuals do you have?
Is there a way to see that? I have a bunch and they are all lovely people! ☺️
10. how many followers do you have?
Last I checked I was around 1.7k, I’m super grateful for everyone who sticks around for my hodgepodge of posting!
11. how many people do you follow?
4935, we have a lot of great fandom here and I lack chill...
12. have you ever made a shitpost?
1. (noun) any content on the internet whose humor derives from its surreal nature and/or its lack of clear context... a shitpost is funny simply because it isn't a predictable repetition of an existing form. Shitposts can become memes, but memes cannot become shitposts.
So now that Urban Dictionary explained what that means (I told you, I’m not a spring chicken anymore! 😂) I don’t believe so? Unless you include my old liveblogs, they were absolutely without context.
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13. how often do you use tumblr?
I’m always popping in throughout my day. I like to keep up to my notifs & new posts in the tags, and then when I have more time on my hands I’ll look into my mutuals and feed a little more properly.
14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog? who won?
I can remember a couple years ago butting heads with a couple folks when I first got into fandom: the posting etiquette here was quite different from the message boards I was used to interacting on... and I had a mishap or two as a result. I genuinely believe that no one wins when that happens though, so I really make an effort to keep this a positive space. Learn from the mistakes. 💛
15. how do you feel about ‘you need to compare this’ posts?
Thanks gosh @togetherkru that you didn’t know these either! Like, what is that? Google doesn’t even seem to know. 
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16. do you like tag games?
I LOVE THEM! 
17. do you like ask games?
Also love them! The posts are always wildly unpopular but they are a lot of fun
18. which one of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?
Every one! There’s so much talent here and so many folks have established their blogs as a cornerstone of their respective fandoms. And again, I have no idea where to find a list of all my mutuals to compare... but I always feel like I’m the new kid on the block, I’m pretty sure most of my mutuals have been here years longer than I have.
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19. do you have a crush on a mutual?
I have a crush on my mutuals’ beautiful gif-making and writing and artsy abilities, if that counts? 😃
20. tags (if you guys want to)
I’m going to tag some folks from my notifications, feel free though to participate anyone reading this! Or if it isn’t your cuppa tea, don’t feel obligated those I tagged... have a great day everybody! 🙂☕
@bt06, @padfootx, @isweartobreathe, @bravestartingwithyou, @kizo2703, @pendragaryen, @whatabeautifullife13, @immortalpramheda, @1jemmagirl22, @frecklesandfanfics, @little-oxford-st, @infp-with-all-the-feelings, @kris-lulu, @womanwithaplan, @bellamyschin, @peaceloveandbabyducks, @geekyogicheese, @al3xia17 & anybody else who wants to play!.
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jbbuckybarnes · 3 years
Text
We need to talk...
I knew that this topic of interactions will come up again, because it has never been talked all the way through, so I had this drafted for a while. So much of this old draft still resonated with this permanently unfinished discussion that I just had to edit it and post it, because I feel like it has to be said and put into one post. We can’t keep starting this conversation and then make it so dramatic that there is no conclusion or compromise. The only reason this time is more mellow is because people have better standards for this stuff due to a pandemic going on. This is written for the MCU fandom, but I’ve seen this go down in different fandoms, so here we go:
Things that are NOT at fault for readers not interacting:
The Readers. Should be clear after asking them again and again. And nothing changing. The readers at large are not at fault for a couple people being demanding or hateful. Neither are they at fault for this website and other social medias automatically putting writers at a disadvantage. They do their best with the time they have in their life (just like writers). And after asking them over months to try and reblog more and not much changing, it should be obvious that it isn’t where the problem lies. At least not 95% of it. NOW:
Things that ARE at fault for readers not interacting:
Pushing them, thinking they owe you stuff, while you tear other writers down saying that nobody owes them stuff. That happens time and time again. To me, to friends, to writers I check in with. Don't expect community to come to you when you don't come to them.
Not putting anon asks off when demands and hate get too much. It’s literally THAT easy when people get nasty. It’s sad for the nice anons, but they will understand. Save your mental health! Save the mental health of people reading that hate on their dash. I don’t know how many people constantly answering to hate I have unfollowed and I’m sure people have unfollowed me for doing the same.
Ego and hypocrisy. You can't say numbers aren't a problem and then say they are. In the same post. AND then also deny it later in some of the cases we’ve seen in recent months. Yes, that happened. In several fandoms where this topic comes up semi-regularly. And that might also be the reason people are tired of this stuff and speak out against it.
The fact Tumblr is only used approximately twice a year by most people. And has a shitty tag system. And a shitty algorithm. You are at an automatic disadvantage.
The fact some of you can't understand that 3-5% of your following interacting is a good and normal rate on pretty much all social media. The bigger you get in followers, the bigger the gap gets between followers and interaction (and demand and hate). There are literal statistics on that. 1% interaction at 10k is still good for a platform you have no power over!
The fact some of the people here call anons *haters* for pointing out that you interact w the same 10 people, making that speace seem excluding, when it's literally true what those people say!? Nothing wrong with only support the same 10 people on your blog, but then don't say that you practice what you preach (cause you don’t). You can’t demand more interaction when you don’t interact more yourself. That is how it works, for anyone, not just people of a certain follower count. If I reblog more fics, my blog gets more clout. Logical conclusion. Works for everyone. You have no time for that? Then don’t expect more back. It’s called SOCIAL media for a damn reason.
Telling people asking for Tumblr advice to interact more to make new friends but being the most defensive/indifferent person once they talk to you in DMs. Yes, that keeps happening and I know it from either my own experience or from others sharing their experiences with me. It’s kinda sad. It’s more of a minor factor in people not interacting, but I’ve seen it enough to mention it.
Making shitposts and personal posts all day and then saying you don't have the time in your life to interact w peoples' writings. Like, drabbles exist on almost anyone's masterlist. 5 minute read, easy support for a writer that might be losing motivation. Not every work has to be written like a novel to be great as hell or “quality proven.”
Oh, and there hasn't been a MCU movie in a while, making most of our readership probably currently not care about the fandom as much. Especially after Endgame ended up being a total opinion splitter.
Bonus: The misunderstanding that pushing shy readers to interact does the exact opposite. Not to start about the fact that we are in the middle of a pandemic at the moment. That means they may not have time to read and you may not have time to write. Normal. Logical. The same reason lots of people currently don’t publish. Don’t expect anything predictable and controlable out of current times.
Bonus: Check how you connect interactions to self worth and worth/fun of your writing hobby. Define what success means for you in this space, otherwise you will never be satisfied. It won’t matter if a post has 1k reblogs, you’ll always want more, because you chase an infinite metric.
Bonus: Maybe take a month to concentrate on community, getting outside of your bubble that you deny but very likely have (I’m not excluding myself from this), and actually improve interactions. Some people seem to have forgotten that when you interact with other writers, they probably interact back. Surprise! Your followers already know your tried and true fanfic friends, they want some new stuff without searching for it. Basic Marketing knowledge, know what your audience wants. If you do this for the interactions you gotta look at it from a marketing standpoint and not a pure passion standpoint. Oh: And maybe they find you interacting in the notes of someone else’s post and become an active follower. Win-Win-Win situation.
Bonus: Community is a loop, a net of interactions. Some people here have clique behavior, sound defensive and/or simply don't practice what they preach. That is not me or anyone else hating on specific blogs (I’m also no complete exception), it’s people trying to tell you that you can’t ask for shit you don’t practice yourself. Nothing wrong with supporting your friends only, but then don’t go around expecting new people to find your stuff. It’s literally THAT simple. You can’t have both!
Bonus: Ignoring some of the ride or die readers that are already there. Some of the people on here wish they had that and it’s deadass taken it for granted by some. Meanwhile I'm sitting here with Serotonin levels like christmas when someone I know reblogs my stuff and my fic gets some clout. Imma repeat myself: If you do it for the numbers, you gotta look at it more like marketing and less like pure passion.
And again: You are on a social media platform that will always put you at a disatvantage. That is not the readers' fault. It's how social media works at this point. If you want as much interaction as you can without putting in more interaction work yourself, simply share your works on here, AO3 and Wattpad simultaneously. Problem solved.
Bottomline: If you want more love on your work you gotta go beyond what you currently do, since it’s clearly not working for you. Reblog stuff from people you don't know. I don't give a sh*t if it's a 5k or a 100 follower blog. Hell, there is the whole 366 reblog challenge and some of you deadass went on reblogging the same people when that’s not really what this was made for. I, personally, haven't run out of new people to reblog, so this shouldn't be hard. Actually take time to talk to people in DM's, it takes 10 minutes in the evening to write a few people a message asking how they are or sending a cute gif. If you want stuff, you have to give it. Not leave it. People have come to me before, telling me "the community doesn't owe you stuff", no, they don't, but they do owe if they wanna be owed something back or even demand to be owed something back. Community is about back and forth. You give, you get. It's work, cause it's a big hobby. If you don't have time, that's cool, but then don't be sad about lower interaction. It’s logical that low activity from you leads to low activity from others in the long run, unless you do something worldshakingly new. You don't wanna look beyond a circle of friends or your go-to writers much? That's fine, but don't be upset about barely new people interacting cause they feel excluded or simply don’t find your work because of the same people seeing the same people reblogging the same works. What's not fine is not seeing how readers are NOT THE PROBLEM.
I haven’t talked to a single person about this that DIDN’T find the posts surrounding it demanding and completely ignoring the arguments some others had...repeatedly. Every single time it came up. Not just once but time and time again, whenever this topic comes up. You want interaction? Interact. You don’t want hate? Don’t give it a platform. As harsh as that sounds, I’ve never felt better on this platform since I put anon asks off, even when I miss the nice anons. They probably understand. PS: Again, this was written a while ago and edited to fit into a more general context now. I hope people can discuss this in a civil, non-judgmental way, because that is how I tried to write this. This is not again a specific person or group, it’s pinpointing what I see repeating for two years on this platform now, in all corners. I’d also like to mention that we are still in a pandemic and lives have never looked so vastly different, so you can’t demand anything normal in this very not normal time. Even if you do it all right, your interactions dropped in the pandemic cause people likely stay away form this platform for mental health reasons. There is so many layers to look at, these clearly aren’t all, but I hope it makes some people think about what and when they complain. Numbers will never satisfy you, they will always leave you wanting more if you don’t know why you do what you do and for what. Anyway: Be nice to each other and me in the notes in case this gets shared! No drama please! Ignore any grammar and typo mistakes, lol. Love ya!
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painted-crow · 3 years
Text
Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 2
On what it’s like when I burn Bird secondary
Usually, when I burn either Bird secondary or Badger secondary model, they’re down for weeks or months at a time. I know they’ll come back, which isn’t always true of burned Houses in general but that’s just how mine work. Right now Bird is having a minor upset and it’s been out for a few weeks; it was about to come back when life stress happened and smacked it down again. This time I can predict that it’ll be back in maybe two weeks when everything’s settled down, but usually it’s not that tidy—I don’t always know why it’s having problems or what to do to get it to recover. Usually I just wait it out.
The burned state looks different for Bird vs Badger, of course. I’m probably going to struggle with writing the Badger side, either because I’ve forgotten the details of what it looks/feels like or because it’s actually simpler. I lean towards the “I’ve forgotten” angle. My memory is very bad during depressive periods. (You’d think this would leave my brain goblins fewer cringey memories with which to taunt me at 4am, but no.)
But that doesn’t matter right now because today we’re talking about Bird.
Tipoffs I’ve burned Bird
Sometimes it’s hard to tell when you’ve burned one of your Houses. It doesn’t always have a clear start or end, and you might not notice the gradual slipping into exhaustion and lack of confidence in your House. Here are some things I catch myself doing or thinking when my Bird peaces out on me.
I start thinking I’m not good at things I’ve spent years studying.
I get a panicky feeling of resistance when I think about working on projects that wouldn’t normally give me problems.
I struggle with self-doubt about my ability to learn new skills.
This one’s complicated: the society I live in holds Bird up as the way it thinks intelligence should look. So, in burned-Bird!Paint’s mind, that makes it arrogant to assume that you're better at using Bird than others, because it suggests you think you're smarter (and thus better, because society says that too) than them. Therefore, if I’ve learned how to do something, my impulse is to assume that anyone could. Anything I’ve already learned is obviously easy, because I learned it, and so it isn’t rare or valuable.
Weird analysis paralysis cocktail: I feel perpetually unprepared to do stuff and too afraid to move forward, but I’ve also internalized the “you’re never going to feel ready so just start now” advice—which is supposed to spur you into action and probably works if you’re a Lion, but it just gives me something else to beat myself up about.
Sometimes Bird secondary starts feeling more like a toy than a tool that can actually be effective. If that's happening, using it feels kind of self-indulgent and not terribly useful--it seems good for entertainment, but not for anything else.
That last one is really fricking weird and it took me months to figure out what it was and put it into words. It’s obviously flawed—it’s circular logic sitting on top of societal prejudice—but when you’re depressed, the kind of clarity you need to verbalize and pick apart something that complicated is often nowhere to be found, especially when your perception in general is skewed due self-hatred.
I can’t do that “just start now” thing Lions do—it terrifies me. But that’s fine. Other people don’t casually pick up new skills or binge-read nonfiction or hoard resources like I do—maybe that’s intimidating to them—and that’s fine. Both approaches are useful and powerful, objectively, and philosophically I “should” be okay with owning my abilities. That’s harder than it looks on paper, though.
There’s one more.
The value of skills is subjective, circumstantial, and easy to underestimate.
I’m a jack-of-all-trades style Bird. Lots of things interest me. But every time you decide to invest in a new skill rather than continuing with an old one, you sort of start over. Not completely; some skills transfer and there’s a lot of value in having a range of knowledge, especially in terms of creativity.
Still, though: you enter each new field as a total noob, you stay long enough to become a kinda competent noob, and then when you’ve learned what you want and maybe built the thing you wanted to build, you leave. Rinse and repeat. Usually you don’t stay long enough to become super-skilled, and people in your community don’t specifically ask you for help.
…Until they need something other than the thing they specialize in, and you happen to know it. Suddenly you’re the expert in the room. You know how to get the project started. You know where to research, who to ask about advanced topics, what all the search keywords are, and where to find the supplies. Suddenly you're valuable, and maybe you're not used to feeling valuable. It can be kind of a jarring experience.
It's especially jarring when someone you know needs something and you're like, "oh I can take care of that, I spent six months studying how to do it and I have the resources already" and the other person gives you a look of deep skepticism and you try to convince them that no, really, it's not a big deal, you can have that done in a weekend or two if they give you the right information and... they don't believe you can do it, you guess. It's easy to misinterpret a "this sounds too good to be true" reaction for "I don't believe YOU can do it.”
My old draft had a note about how I should build myself a portfolio site to demonstrate stuff like this (except that my tastes develop faster than my actual skills in most fields, so I tend to dislike my own work and don't want to display it). But actually I’m wondering now if Badger secondary isn’t part of the problem. Sometimes I just volunteer to do stuff for people I only kinda know, without naming a motive or a price tag, and seen through that lens it’s hard to blame them for feeling awkward or skeptical about accepting. It’s not a big deal to you, but it is to them—too big to be just a favor. And then the people who do accept freely given help tend to take advantage of you… I guess I need to cultivate more Courtier Badger if I want to give my Bookkeeper Badger model stuff to do.
(Bonus bullet point: “I don’t know if I can really say my House is burned... it’s just not totally there right now? The stuff I’m dealing with isn’t THAT bad” is another tell that you’re burned. I’ve had to stop myself from writing that sort of thing several times over the course of this post. I’ll let myself bring it up for the opposite reason, though: if you’re thinking this, you may be underestimating the damage because you’ve forgotten what you’re like healthy. This goes for mental illness in general too. Don’t undermine your own experience.)
What I do instead
I’ve learned to be flexible and work around times when my Bird isn’t at 100%.
For example, this is why I have three novel projects running at once, with varying levels of complexity. The least complex of the three is new—I started it back in February, and working on that one instead of the others has let me stay productive and continue using Bird without pushing it past its limits. Plus it lets me keep making art, which as I’ve mentioned, is important to my general wellbeing.
If I’m able to section off my work like this and focus on the things I can do, and selectively procrastinate the ones I can’t (that aren’t super urgent), I’m usually fine—as long as I stay on top of my mental health enough for things to swing back around so I can catch up. It’s very, very difficult to recover if your needs aren’t being met.
I can be kind of a productive powerhouse when I can get my brain to actually process dopamine correctly (thanks, medication!) so if I can manage to work on something useful, I don’t always have to be too picky about what it is. That also means that if I can’t work on the things I’d normally use Bird to do (whether it’s burned or I’m just worn out), it’s a good excuse to catch up on more menial things like paperwork and laundry and whatnot. If I’ve let those pile up, dealing with them will improve my environment and my mental health and get Bird to recover faster.
What I shouldn’t do is continue to press on with my normal work, if I can avoid it. There have been times when people needed me to deliver the creative or technological thing I was using Bird to work on before it burned, and I had to push through and get it to them anyway, and it’s not a good situation for me.
*cue flashbacks to the three or four times that’s happened for months on end, dissociates for 10 minutes*
ugh okay brain can you not do that right now? trying to write a post here
Where was I? Oh, right. I was making a point.
Take the pressure off your burned House if you can.
I think when you burn one of your Houses, it's injured and you're actually worse at using it than people who just don't have it as one of their Houses. Say you're a bowling champion but your dominant wrist is broken. You can choose not to play at all until you recover, or you can try to play with your other hand but you're probably going to be worse at it than a lot of casual players, and that feels really bad because being good at this matters to you.
^ copied from the old draft of this post. I was going to write a smooth transition into that point, but it didn’t work and I’m not going to try to rewrite it and get “ERROR 500 INTERNAL SERVER ERROR” from my brain again.
In any case, this post has been sitting around for a week already and I should probably just publish it now. ^^;
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