#and that gets so freaking exhausting

[covenofthearticulate]

girl, being on west coast time and constantly working overtime and having a fuck ass commute and trying to be in a fandom really sucks :/

#just solidified my summer camp work schedule and will be essentially dropping off the face of the earth from june-august #not to mention my totally fucked calendar for april-may #i already feel like i've been missing everything lately LOL even though i know i haven't #i'm just mad bc my brain is too exhausted to write meta or fic or even engage with other people #i'm just so fucking grumpy rn why can't i daydream about my blorbos 24/7 #i genuinely get like. writing WITHDRAWALS when i'm not able to be creative for an extended period of time like. i'm freaking out LOL #i'm fine i'll be fine i just asdfhsjgckljhnsldkfjcn

[lilaccatholic]

how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?

#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk #i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting #it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer. #i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love. #im not the type you launch a thousand ships for. #so what's left? #who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture. #i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for. #im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now. #except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving. #i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around. #how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too. #its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like #ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out. #ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing #the trail? how do i become myself happy and free? #because i WANT to be more #i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy #but i dont know how to get there #and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me #all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself #i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do #anyway. #anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol #im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good. #please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM #lilac rambles

[famewolf]

speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling

#[static] #it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism #some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under #i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever #it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others #and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing #like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks #every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like #one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways #something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out #i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery #poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop #never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on #so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly #and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again #its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much #im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel

[thehallstara]

listen. i simply think people really need to educate themselves on the hallmarks of antisemitism and not just leave it to jews to get all the backlash for pointing it out because it’s incredibly insidious and even more dangerous when left to fester

#s.txt #is this bitchy??? yeah a little #antisemitism #i'm fucking exhausted i'm sorry i'm so fucking tired #idk what about me just screams be a freak to this person for being loudly jewish #but it's getting to me this week and i'm fucking over it i'm exhausted jsndhbsk #ok to rb ig #actually please do bc again. i'm fucking tired sdjhfgsj

[mitamicah]

I guess I could only live so long on the high from the concerts before falling down a negative spiral again - I hate it

#just starring into empty space a prisoner of my own head and imposter syndrome #feeling so mentally exhausted at like not even 9 o clock #i want to freaking create but i am afraid to get started again almost #what am i afraid of? #it cant be worse than feeling horrible for not creating #and not giving enough #(yes i know you say i do give but it is hard to convince myself that it is true) #i am tired of this #i want to go back to be over the moon for an upcoming concert #or so overwhelmed with joy that there is no mental barriers or things that are inappropriate #micahs thoughts #maybe now i have said my peace i can finally get my stupid arse to move #why am i like this #(same question as yesterday but for another reason)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[steampoweredskeleton]

Ignore

#delete later #in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown #i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it #im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly #to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or #spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be #ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right #and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen #too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the #person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this #at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my #meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things #i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas. #meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry #and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain. #i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay #i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired

[majorxmaggiexboy]

Unironically Wednesday as this idiot’s Robin

#wednesday 20222 #wednesday addams #the batman #battinson #I WAS GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT GOTH ROBIN FOR GOTH BATMAN BUT NOW I'M LOSING MY MIND #IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY #LIKE BY ALL RGHTS HE'S /SUPPOSED/ TO WIND UP WITH A TEN-YEAR-OLD AND THAT'S HARD ENOUGH #BUT NO HE GETS THE GOTH TEEN WHO WAS IN GOTHAM JUVIE FOR LEGITIMATE REASONS #AND WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME THERE NO LESS #HE'S IMMEDIATELY EXHAUSTED AND SLIGHTLY FRIGHTENED #SHE'S JUST LIKE ''hm. i've always wanted to kill a clown'' #''nO'' #listen i'm just in tears gross ugly sobbing over the mental image #this stupid batman in his stupid clunky boots #and this FREAKING TINY AS HELL LITTLE MURDER GOTH IN HER LITTLE PLATFORM SHOES I'M #her family adopts Battinson but is disappointed in his no kill policy #Alfred and Thing exchange war stories

[hellsbellssinclub]

When you think you might have bombed an interview and won’t get a job just keep this in mind;

I forgot to mention doing vital signs on a patient who in a scenario is having a heart attack. Vital signs is the one thing you start off with for any patient who is in a possible medical emergency.

I was just offered the job I applied for. They are sending me a letter of offer once they confirm my start date (as it is an internal transfer).

You didn’t do as badly as you thought. Everything works out in the end.

#holy fuck I was not expecting this phone call #I am legit writing fanfic at the moment and I get the call and had to stop myself from freaking out on the phone #I thought I bombed that interview so hard I wanted to cry after #but now I have a 12 month contract which is awesome because I should be finishing school then #and then I can apply as an RN either at ED or apply for grad program either way #and this works out well because next year I am moving down to where the hospital is anyway because there are cheep places there #guys you have no idea how excited I am #I have been so exhausted on my ward and I am very much looking forward to the fast pacedness of ED #I am also terrified btw because I have anxiety and don’t like new things or places #new chapter about to start in my life and I can’t wait #just gotta get the letter of offer now

[simp47koreancrackheads]

Today I want you to take a moment and be grateful if you have friends who fucking understand what burnout is and don’t get mad and lash out at you for not wanting to go out.

#the place in question is a bar (outdoors) aka no air conditioning #and today we reached 38º folks #they do barbecues (which I don’t like) therefore there’s smoke everywhere leaving you smelling like freaking ashes #so yeah sorry for being ‘tired’ babe #also sharing this here bc I am a people pleaser and saying no is so so exhausting and I didn’t cry but my neck did get all red so #i guess I need to let it all out somewhere #can this year just be over already pls pls pretty pls #i need a hug #preferably from park jimin #thank you

[zeb-z]

people who are like ‘oh cDream is morally grey, he’s morally grey’ because they want a villain with some sort of morality and sympathy as if cSam isn’t Right There

#dream apologists become the dirt I walk on #talking about the characters putting c in front of everything is exhausting #like he’s not he’s just not he’s Bad #‘morally grey because he does good things sometimes and had reasoning for his actions even if they were bad’ that’s not dream that’s Sam #Dream is just a selfish asshole who wants power and feels threatened easily and is obsessed with tommy like some sorta freak #Sam though? Sam?? swayed into torturing dream using his emotions? split between his wants and his duties? #warden who can’t risk dream escaping vs sam who’s been trying to help tommy heal #sam who killed Ranboo because he follows through with his threats and couldn’t let dream escape any means necessary #who didn’t even particularly care that much because he found out how Ranboo caused the explosions on top of the prison #who kidnapped Michael not to hurt him but to ensure he had power of the right people so he could ensure the greater good #see when dream was trapped in the prison he commissioned that was poetic justice. when Sam was trapped it was complicated #he’s so ‘I’m tortured by my actions but I have to do what’s hard for the greater good’ and then it doesn’t matter #Sam? he’s done some fucked shit. but god if he’s not a sympathetic character #or at the very least understandable in how he sees what he’s doing is good or for others #Dream is constantly ‘what can I do to make me look good’ ‘what can I do to get what I want’ and grabs for power and abuses tommy #dream smp #dsmp #awesamdude #dream #c!dream #c!awesamdude #mcyt #z speaks

[viksalos]

ever since we figured out my husband, his sister, and his cousins are all autistic, the possibility that i married into an entirely autistic catholic family where all of the older adults are undiagnosed is kind of objectively hilarious tbh. everyone's autistic drives compel them to need a bunch of alone time but everyone's catholic cultural mores compel them to put family first and repress the hell out of themselves. no wonder they're all passive-aggressive as hell to each other all the time and got mad at me when i didn't pick up on how to do "family" that way. i literally did get catholic religious trauma-by-proxy lmfao

#text #ik i haven't been on here a lot lately but my husband's grandpa passed away on new year's day #and that seems to have like... clicked something in both my husband's and my MIL's brains somehow? #(not that i'm saying it's a good thing he passed away. everybody liked him including me; he seems like he was a remarkable person) #like my husband was like ''oh shit vik actually is right about this neurodivergence stuff'' both in himself and in his family #and my MIL actually seems like she might have taken it to heart when i called her out for acting like a grown adult bully lmao? #like she hasn't apologized yet or anything. but now that my husband understands his own neurodivergence; #HE might be able to explain to his mom how she likely has RSD and i wasn't actually rejecting her #i personally struggle to explain this to her without freaking out that i'm not masking enough for her and/or getting angry :) #but ANYWAYS she did not yell at me at the funeral which is a minor victory for now lol #and the funeral was literally the day after my thesis proposal so i am exhausted af #(the thesis proposal went well too btw. i passed & will defend my thesis for real in a couple months; so i'll FINALLY be doctor vik!!) #so that's all the updates for now o7

[loserchildhotpants]

so many annoying takes today on all social media platforms what is in the water

#super sad when a mutual is like #‘freaks DNI’ #‘if you [engage in fiction in some specific way] fucking block me!!’ #‘if u ship [x] literally unfollow me 🤢’ #like okay i will #didn’t know u were a Thought Cop here to measure my morals by what media i consume rather than like my character and deeds #im Like 30 or 40 And do Not need this lol #new age fandom Puritanism is fucking exhausting #i have that old school fandom mindset too like i keep showing up to functions at the fandom ymca #and im making friends and sharing my homemade cookies and having a fine time #and then someone is loudly like ‘if u use ur imagination in the wrong way gtfo’ #it used to be so much easier to make friends in fandom now i get daily jumpscares by folks unthinkingly touting neo christo-fascist shit #melanie lives #I’ll just go offline today maybe #ugh

[forestofsprites]

there's so much to experience on this ludicrous little planet of ours. it is devastatingly thrilling, absolutely calamitous, fun and stupid and ridiculous and beautiful and awful and loving!!!

#I don't know how I've come to have this bizarre spirit #I'm in a disease relapse within a disease relapse- and I'm exhausted & stressed & frustrated & scared & my body is completely jumbled up!! #it's mid winter and COLD and SNOWY and everything hurts and I'm tired ! I'm drained!!!! #but I saw some little birds huddling against a roof heater today!! and one of the sweet deer twins from the summer! and #in a week or two- I get to start my veggie seeds for spring! and my sweet stupid son (cat) and my sweet stupid old man (also cat) #both came to give me cuddles this morning!! #and I am SO exhausted and I'm so fed-up but I also never want this to end #and it's SUPER confusing & I know I'm never going to understand the nuance of it all- but for all the pain and the trauma and regret and #messiness- I still look forward to spring #I can't wait for snowdrops and crocuses #I can't freaking wait for the swamp to melt and fern sprouts to peep out #and this spring is going to be so different in the wake of the hurricane- so much has changed and I'm still not to terms w/ it!! #my health is crappy!!! ahh! #but spring is a definite #it's coming! and it'll be warm! and green! and the ducks will return! and the baby deer! #and I can sit outside in that warmth and in my tree and BOY #despite it all #despite it all!! #thoughts #no grammar here bc im tired <3

[gentlemanbutch]

lol guess who’s going off T 🙃

#not detransitioning oh my god #florida has made it basically impossible to access health care and the combination of being trans and disabled is making this all impossible #my current provider can’t prescribe hrt anymore legally and i don’t know of anyone safe remotely close #health care spaces are also really unsafe for disabled people because of covid so #I am just exhausted and traumatized and I need a break. #so. yeah #anyway if you’ve had to go off T lemme know what to prepare for #I don’t get a period because I’m also on progesterone and it stops my cycle so I think that should stay good #I’m just scared of my hormones freaking out while I get off it #transmasc #transgender #butch #terfs dni I swear to god

[jackalhadrurusluvr]

asking my dad how long we’re gonna be out expecting a “3 or 4,” maybe even a “5 or 6,” but instead he hits me with the 8:30

#we’re going to visit my grandmother who is an hour away #and then………… we typically stay for like 2 hours or so #but my dad wants to go give treats to the people at the hospital who treated him #and they said the best time was around 7pm #so that is a lot of time #we leave at 1 #get to her at 2 #normally that means we’d leave at 4 and get home by 5 #so wtf are we gonna do for the extra 3-4 hours #maybe my sleep schedule is saved after all because being Out for that long is gonna freaking exhaust me bro