#and that hurts me so fucking much lmfao like my whole existence is being reduced to being.... sad

[princeofyorkshire]

keep thinking about my conversation with my psychiatrist today and i just..... what

#like he makes me feel so... invalidated..... like he doesn’t take me seriously at all #he literally said you’re not sad. if you were sad you’d be crying loudly walking down the street #and i just. what the fuck. like what. who the fuck says that #and it’s fucking confusing cause he said being like This is part of my personality and what i was feeling wasn’t sadness. ok so what is it #you gotta figure it out! what. #and i’ve told him you know sometimes i just don’t wanna get better like i self sabotage all the time and then i kinda regret it and it’s #this whole thing of I Wanna Get Better. No I Don’t. Yes I Do. his response was like well. only you can do something about that it’s up to u #and i get it.... in a way...... but i genuinely do Not have the energy to try and get better sometimes like it’s impossible for me and i #feel like life is fucking pointless when i’m like that so uh i’m literally telling you i’m suicidal and i’m supposed to just deal with it??? #he’s like meditation and lots of therapy will help ! and i’m like. well but i genuinely feel like there’s something else going on besides #ocd and anxiety like i don’t think it’s normal to feel this way. and he’s like well what is normal 💕 #and he kept saying there was nothing else going on it’s just me being. sad. like that’s just who i am #and that hurts me so fucking much lmfao like my whole existence is being reduced to being.... sad #(but also apparently i’m not actually sad cause i’m not crying 24/7) #i don’t know man i genuinely have. no fucking idea what this man is on about #like if your patient is telling you they think there’s something else going on. because you know. they know themselves more than you do. #aren’t you supposed to like. listen to them. he’s literally like no you’re fine when i know i’m not lol #he doesn’t even wanna try to help me lmfao he just wants to give me my prescriptions and bye #also can’t get over him joking about me wanting to kill myself lol like. what the fuck ! what the fuck #this whole situation is fucking WEIRD how am i supposed to get professional help when these people aren’t even professionals apparently #fuck you dude like for real lmfao. he’s always been an ass but this time...... it just went too far lmfao #suicide tw #effie talks

[macarensesangles]

i feel really guilty sometimes for like “being a sysmed” (stupid term) bc i’ve thought about it a lot and it isn’t like, “i hate people who claim this totally different experience that has literally nothing to do with what i’m experiencing,” it’s just that i feel like. aaargh how do i explain this lol

it’s like, i might be a little peeved in a petty way if it was just like, they had a parallel but totally separate community with different terminology. like the whole “tulpa” thing doesn’t bother me on the level of “but it’s not DID bluh bluh” because nobody is claiming it is. (it is racist and appropriative to use the term tulpa though lmfao.) it has genuinely nothing to do with me, and as long as people who do that aren’t claiming they have DID or misusing medical terminology like system or alter, i don’t care.

it bothers me when people say things like (and this is, in fact, something i’ve genuinely seen firsthand in a support group) “alters have so much privilege over tulpas because they’re seen as more valid!” or otherwise try to insert DID into these discussions of “endogenic” stuff - or worse, try to insist that people with DID and endogenic people are part of the same class in society, that being “multiples,” and that there is a specific existing oppression on the grounds of “not being one person,” and then further borrowing from LGBT discourse to coin inane terms like “sysmed” because of the view of multiplicity-as-identity that has, at least in my opinion, little to do with DID.

because it’s....DID is a disability. people with DID are better served by disability movements, because DID is disabling. because it’s a disability. Have i said the word disability enough times? the issues that stem from DID are more than just social and are more complicated than simply having alters, there is a whole host of DID problems that are not solved by taking up plural identity politics and casting the whole thing as an identity spectrum akin to being LGBT. like, some people feel that way about their DID i guess, but i don’t. how is “plural acceptance” going to help me lower dissociative barriers? how is “plural acceptance” going to help me achieve fusion with some or all of my dissociated parts, ESPECIALLY if the view from the plural community is that this is akin to murder or conversion therapy? how is this going to help me no longer wake up in the morning and not understand where i am, or WHO i am? how’s it going to help me with my PTSD? huh?

what i have is a disability. i want to reduce its impact on my life. that is just not compatible with plural politics. fuck’s sake, i don’t even view myself as a system or plural or whatever else, i’m one person with DID. i want to live one coherent life, i want to live one coherent NORMAL fucking life. Because What I Have Is A Disability. and i know there are even people with DID who would pan me for this being a “respectability politics” type view, but like...dissociation and trauma are ruining my life. i’m not happy. i want to be happy and feel better! and being told my DID is an Identity i’m never allowed to work against and that it’s Exactly The Same As Trying To Un-trans Myself to want recovery and that i’m some kind of bigot for not wanting to share medical terminology with people who don’t experience the same thing is. well, it’s not helping! it’s making it worse! there are people who would even think i’m a Bad Person for just wanting there to be separate spaces for this stuff, because “gatekeeping is always wrong” or whatever.

like, i don’t want to be a bad person! i hate that it hurts people’s feelings, honestly! i feel sometimes like i have no choice but to change my mind because the people i meet are literally always going to think less of me for having this opinion, that DID and OSDD is a disability and the medical terms for it are NOT something that should be shared with people who don’t experience it and that the endogenic plural experience has NOTHING to do with having these disorders. because it’s not that i think like, “oh fuck you you’re not valid, you suck,” it’s like....it’s just. i don’t relate, it’s not the same and i don’t want it conflated. i’m not plural or multiple or a system, i am ONE person who is sick and wants to live ONE life. i know there are other people who feel the same. and the more it’s conflated because of the fetishistic focus on alters above all else when discussing DID and OSDD, the more i feel like it’s viewed as self-loathing to want to get better, when really i don’t mind or care about the alters and the issue is more than amnesia has rendered me nonfunctional and i get flashbacks so bad i physically can’t stop myself from screaming.

so like...i don’t even talk about having DID when i meet other people who have it but express approval of this stuff. i would rather hide having DID altogether than get fucking reamed for not enjoying it enough, and for having reservations about throwing in my lot with people whose experiences are nothing like mine, whose stances and goals are things that will actively make my condition worse.

#tag for complaining