#and thats a thing with being filipino i think- just from what ive experienced

[paumoniqueviedor-blog]

The HEARTwork ( my WI Experience❤️)

Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa Clearly, as we look at a mirror of reality every minute, hour, and year, inequality, corruption, drug cases, crime, EJK and poverty in the Philippines were still the most troubling issues But have you helped to eradicate those as a citizen of this country? As a graduating grade 12 student at University of Negros Occidental Recoletos, we are introduced to the world after college to some extent. A glimpse at what our job will be after courses As a RSW in the making i wanted to explore and seek for the Root of Social work but thankfully this work immersion taught me too much That my heart could burst in deep emotions. "Flex ko lang" tern use by pinoy teens to epress things Now its my turn to flex this one😂 FLEX KO LANG PO ANG SOCIAL ACTION CENTER a lot of people did not know that this center exist even me at first. Socia action center caught my attention at orientation for ive seen the words THE POOR IS NOT INTERRUPTING OUR WORK BUT HE IS THE REASON OF OUR BEING In their wall that signifies that purely that center was there with a purpose at orientation my heart was just so filled with emotions i did not understand Maybe it was just excitement, fear or just simply because my heart for helping was just growing too much at my extent. The first day was so exciting for it was a set meeting with DSSD as socialworker wannabe I think its an advantage to see how DSSD pips work but turns out it could be disappointing as it Is honestly it was a mess, i could see people in a tiny office space with papersstuck on the tables Not even organized and ready for a meeting Suddenly a question started to linger in my mind "if i will graduate and be a social worker will i be like them? Stuck in the office and just do boring work?" No i wouldn't my mind and heart says. I wanted to be involved i wanted to help people i wanted to do a job that could fullfill my heart and thats what happened to me in the 8 days of the immersion period I have so many experiences in the center but i only want to point out 3 most things. So that this blog wouldn't be so long. 1.Cases The center accepts cases from the ones who needed it. The rape case it was sensitive yes but the staff wants us to encounter it to prepare us in the future ones that we will handle Being able to encounter the victim myself i could see sadness in her eyes. Their was a case conference set by the center in which she had additionally gave details about the experience that cut out her innocence by listening to that im just handling my emotions i was so overwhelmed with the information that people could really do that harsh thing. 2. Feedings and giving of 1kilo rice The center gives to the poor. Old people who join the diocese bible study every friday gets a ticket for meal and rice. For me it was so heartwarming experiencing giving out foods and old people just cant stop saying thankyou. You receive a lot of thank you's in a day but you also receive not so decent words from people who wanted but dont receive. Caritas just picked 100 old people who are assed to be in need the most their are this people who line up especially the plaza pips. Their strong but why aren't they looking for a job? I ask in my mind. Maybe they just chose to settle down on what they have to sit down and just ask from assistance. Not all may be given by the center thats what saddened me but they really could help their own selves by choosing to do legal things that could help them in everyday life. Indeed some people really choose to sit in poverty by not making efforts to escape it. 3.their heart for the work they have The center staff loves what they do. Having the opportunity to observe the amazing people in social action. I've seen that they really love what they do. Salary wasn't really high since their only funded by donations and diocese but there's no complain. Eco bags made out of donations of clothes that is made as a bag for rice was a product of efforts of staffs. Cases they handle that last 10 years before verdict.efforts they make to preserve environment, and life. It was really hard to stay in it but it was their heart who choose to stay. Indeed social action center is one of the places for immersion that could fill that experiences you seek Sa social action mahibi ka sa kalipay for every feeding and other programs you attend with them I've learned throughout that seeking for a job isn't really for filling up money's in pockets but it is filling up your heart with kindness and happiness and having a job is being a path for the betterment of many not for oneself. And i think if all of us filipinos will have that mindset maybe we could turn greed to love and be a factor of progress. in the future for shs gradwaiting pips like me Di bale nang hindi ka katikal sang kurso mo bsta kablo ka nga sa Dasun maka graduate ka as long as you can be a factor of change and improvement That's more meaningful than how grand youre salary is Always put your hardwork and heart at your work and things will just turn out better. Seek your HEARTwork❤️

[zeropointlydian-blog]

My purpose

So... This will be my FINAL rant about the so called "pinoy music scene” or “eksena” controllers and manipulator... And my final goodbye to social media.

Music should only be music. Not to be mixed with politics and theatrics. Its like this... Hey! Look at me.. Im proud to be a filipino. Or look at me im contreversial... Look at me im helping poor people by doing charity... So im cool. When deep down inside people are just using patriotism, charity trying to be "contreversially unique" to build up their "image". To you know.. Make them look good in the "scene". Its sad... Music... The real meaning of it is.... And whats left of it... Is labelled as Pinoy music scene.. People here just say they love music just to be you know... "in"... Anyway... On with the scene... Ive seen it and experienced it... Been there done that.... I fell for all of its hype. The people... Well... NOT all of them, the vices, and the parties. See... If you have to be accepted. You have to be cool with everything you do or say or you have to have this image to be in the scene. And you have to be careful of who or what kind of music you listen to. "Dont let them see you in this state" which is in a moment of weakness, a moment of being TRUE, and a moment of being a human being. Or youll just end up being judged and laughed at behind your back. I mean its just made out of pretense and plastic generic material. I mean NOBODY should be judged by who or what kind of music theyre listening to. Just because someone listens to "pop" theyre shallow or dumb. Or just because they listen to "classical" theyre deep and geniuses. Music is simply music.. Without this whole pinoy and scene in the mix. Its like this... Music has no countries no barriers no genres etc... Look at it this way... gender, race and religion and so on and etc etc etc and blah blah blah.... That puts a "label" on what kind of human being you are. You dont judge a person by what he or she believes in or what race that person is... You just ACCEPT that person... Yes you may have differences but in the end you just have to RESPECT each others beliefs and unite on a greater common ground instead of fighting over each others insignificant differences that divide us ALL as human beings. It doesnt mean that youre a better or worse person than the other. There shouldnt even be "genres" like there shouldnt be races, countries, religion which you know... Just like them breeds descrimination, judgement stereotypes etc.. All the things that can separate instead of uniting humanity. I mean in this so called scene... Just like the societies of the world... You have to listen to things that you dont like or prefer.  Youre forced to alter your beliefs... Youll just find yourself liking it because everyone likes it.  And in the process of it all you lose sight of who you really are. But you feel that deep down inside... Youd rather listen to what you really want, believe in what you want to. Be it this kind of music or that.. So you lose your REAL identity in music. Your real DNA. People in the scene says this mega cliche... "Be yourself" or "Follow your heart". But all these people do is follow the pied pipers tune... Which is... "TREND" like auto tune these days. You know... Everybody wants to be like a rockstar or a celebrity or wants to be viral on the internet etc etc..  BY using the shallow trendy way... For what? Fame? Fortune?  And the price? Your mind heart and soul...

The "lifestyle" has a toll... Has consequences... I know when I REALLY didnt want to drink alcohol at first because of how it tasted or i just didnt want to get drunk or high because it didnt feel right?  Then over time how i made my body adjust to the poison i was putting in it? And i soon found myself adapting to it because thats what everybodys doing... And ending up being an "alcoholic/addict/user". Ending up as the monster i didnt want to be... By being sucked up to the trend of the "rock n roll" lifestyle... Drinking just to pass out/blackout to prove to people that i can hold my drink and to forget and cover up the truth... The truth that i just didnt like what or who i was becoming... And when it hit me really hard and realize that... I found something... The most painful REAL reason to drink... And soon i started to drink alone... Forget that the world existed... And the company i kept? Misery regret remorse and how you wish i didnt do this or that... And at the same time still holding on to the "lifestyle" the "dream" of being a rockstar... But in reality... I ended up losing way more than gaining... And waking up one day and finding myself alone wandering in the streets picking up cigarette butts to smoke just to get that "rush" just to satisfy the deep thirst for the vices i drowned myself into... Just to get by the moment of this intense need/desire for a temporary high... After that i aimlessly wandered alone in the world... Searching for the things that i lost along the way... I went in never ending circles/cycles in my mind. And when i found the real answer/solution i still ended up denying it... Because i just couldnt bring myself to accept it... And i just didnt pay the price of my soul but the greatest commodity in life... TIME... The time i couldve spent discovering and unlocking what i can do with the things i love doing by facing the deep purpose... Rather than destroying whats left of my life for a shallow insignificant dream.

And it comes to this... Whos the most this or that. Whos the PERFECT "artist". And thats the scene. Its just about whos got the bigger balls. People bragging about this or that to make them "LOOK" cool and to be accepted in the scene. You have to be this or that. While the real meaning of music... Dies. I mean ALL musicians use the same  7 notes.... So what makes anybody "different"  or "better" than the other or anyone for that matter? Is it just because someone "shreds" better or is "faster" And so on "factors"  bullshit that he or she is better or the best of this or that? So What does that prove? For the sake of "image" and false pride. In this whole "pinoy music scene" or industry the crowd judges you first before they listen to you. If youre not cool enough like a rockstar or if you dont meet the trend these days...  Like having charisma having "it"  or what do you call it these days? "SWAG".... Chances are.. Theyll only hear you. Then you wont exist anymore.. Then youll hear this empty, deep painful noise called silence in a room full of people. And you start questioning yourself.. Is this worth the effort? When all you ever wanted was an audience that "LISTENS" to your music and not just a crowd of people that hears it. To connect... Trough music.  This whole pinoy music scene or industry or whatever cool label people call it these days is just a small crowd of judgemental people who are so focused on the so insignificantly detailed image of false pride and perfection. And finding random unpredictable imperfections unacceptable... And they just cant bring themselves to accept it because lets face it... Its one of the basic desire for EVERYBODY including me... I mean people like to look perfect live for perfection and they think its simply the cool way to live... Because they cant accept that nobodys really perfect or can ever be... They can only see "rockstars" who are so focused by having the standard procedures of using technology to sound perfect... You know what im talking about... Most of the people in the industry all over the world are too busy mixing their work... NOT being contented and have to have the sound or "tone" that they desire...  They spend a fraction of the time recording the actual track... Guitar, drums, bass and vocals... And they spend weeks or even months to perfect the FINAL  MIX by spending time to find the little imperfections and random mistakes and then use the technology of auto tune or whatever to cover up these little insignificant accidents/mistakes... Because in the end these people are not aware of it and losing time... PRACTICING  is the real solution to to be better in their own way and not to rely too much on technology to sound too perfect... People just have to invest time and focus and everything to their art... And embrace ALL the factors of random, unpredictable "mistakes" and imperfections... Because thats not just about the "human factor"...  Look at it this way... NOTHING is perfect in this world... Noone can control or has control over the factors in life that just happens for no reason at all... Like natural disasters... Things that noone can predict... They can only learn... And accept that there are things in this world that noone can control... Its all connected... But most people in the industry cant accept that... That they dont have the ability to understand and learn from the randomness and chaos of life... They only accept and understand the same ol facts on how to play music the way other people do... What is acceptable by knowing the formula... The same ol structure, form etc etc etc that defines music as what it is today... Which is how it was defined thousands of years ago??? Which is ok i guess... But what im trying to say is this... Did musicians back then have the technology to cover up their mistakes? They didnt have to because they did what musicians nowadays dont do because of choosing to be distracted by the "LIFESTYLE"... PRACTICE... Spend time wiseley... By asking real questions about music as a whole... Like most musicians are so fixated on following the same ol discipline of having structure... Theories of other musicians that are technically sound... I mean if thats what music is for them and thats where their good at i can respect that... Because i cant do that... I cant follow or understand theories and such... Having defenition... I believe in music the way i believe in life... Random, uncontrolable accidents... Like how and what makes a string break randomly... Its these questions that bring meaning to music for me... The other possibilities beyond knowledge of the same old facts... I believe that these factors are the ones that make music grow... The quest for the unknown... Thats why im studying to know what i dont understand... Because in reality, i just know some basic scales and modes... But at the same time i just want to be real you know to how i want to play... I dont want or like to be told how play music the "proper way"... The traditional way... Its time to put my foot down and stand up for what i believe in... Learn and use that knowledge my way not the PROPER TRADITIONAL way... Thats NOT me... I mean i believe in that way but... Being who i am i just have to question it... And just have to be real about it... By choosing not to follow it... And if people wont choose to just listen because they dont understand or dont want to hey its ok... At least i was real about it... By not being perfectly sound... And ill be really happy to be ignored or not to be understood because i got lost in my own real music of just finding melody and harmony from random chaos with the human factor of making mistakes rather than to be understood accepted and applauded for being a fakely contructed perfectionist...

Anyway people are pulled immediately in the shallow beaches of  superficial lifestyle of"drugs sex and rock n roll"  and all of its glory and so on... but they dont dare to look in the vast deep bottomless ocean where musicians live... Because ALL they REALLY have and really understand??? Are "likes", "followers", "views" and what else??? I guess thats about it... Oh yeah and the crowd of the pied piper the trendy and the"contreversial"  personallities. You know the simple difference between a rockstar and a musician? Rockstars and aspiring wannabes demand and expect you to worship adore and be like them. Because its their "right" and they are entitled to it... Musicians can only ask you to do one thing that matters most to music.... Listen when they reach out to you through their instruments to connect with your free will.. But these days in this so called Pinoy industry/scene. People dont listen anymore... Its all about whos the "best" this and that and blah blah blah.. Just like social media. You know... Just to show off to prove whos got the bigger dick. You know macho shit... People bragging about this and that.. You know the people who like to show off to the world how badass they are in the scene... Hey look i can do this and you cant so im better than you or anyone... Im a "unique"  "contreversial" artist etc etc etc that steps on other peoples belief just to be you know to have a "moment" in the eyes of the crowd...

Just like politics in this country. Showing off to the world "hey we can do that too!" you know SURGICAL AIR STRIKES TERROR maute "ISIS" hey world!!! Notice the philippines... Were like the rest of cool countries were defeating ISIS at the expense of the REAL people. Politicians are Like rockstars and aspiring artists or whatever you call and label those kind of people. They are too busy anticipating about the next trend... The pied pipers next tune... Be it terrorism, oil or fake news.... But theyre just a part of the never ending tune of power, control and who wants to rule the world... While REAL HUMAN BEINGS out there... Are just too busy  struggling to WANT to survive and adapt to the shit thats being fed to them... But they are the people who despite of all the bullsit decides to be wise and listen, look and find small basic things and reasons to live for.. Like love, hope, peace real connection with another human... and music, movies, swimming you know small things and people that are WORTH  finding a simple reason and and an excuse to love without the cheap details and small talks... At the same time hearing seeing these fake image bullshit contreversies, mime politics and cheap theatrics. When having to hear, see and know what knowledge is so much easier than looking, listening and experiencing wisdom... Knowledge can always be easily manipulated formulated. While wisdom bends knowledge to its will... And you dont have to think to do it, be it understand it or to formulate it... It comes naturally... Its called instinct. And its called a a freedom of choice... To believe and be Whatever or however you "choose" to want to be... But anyway thats just me.

Anyway... As a musician you have to meet todays "standards" and the level of the superficial face value and popularity to have a decent audience that will listen to you. You have to be "in" or in other words.... You have to have you know.... "IT" to be appreciated in this country. There are certain requirements for a musician to make it here. You have to impress... And earn the respect for people to listen to you... Nowadays people dont respect you for the time, heart, hardwork, discipline, dedication and sacrifice you put in your music... But how you present yourself in your superficial "image".  How many followers and likes you have in social media etc... Following the same ol tune of the pied piper. Superficial artists rule over the air be in on the radio tv or internet. While musicians drown deep in the silence of an empty stage where the only audience is.... Listening to music.

Now i know... I mean its just simply bullshit or reality. But you know what... You can believe whatever or whoever you want to believe in. Im just posting this in hope that someone out there out of the billions of people in the planet. Someone knows and feels the same way i do. Someone out there that can lend an ear and.... Just "Listen"= "connect"

Simple lessons and goals that are working.

1. Just pick the lesser of two evils... 2. Adapt and survive... 3. Find, appreciate and produce love in the smallest and simplest things in life... Without the complications of details... 4. You know... SHIT happens in life... Its like a bad note... I know its there... But i wont step on shit purposely and expect a different smell...

Yep the like the scent of the "pinoy scene" it  ALL smells the same... I dont and will never believe in that shit. I believe in reaching out, sharing your thoughts and emotions touching lives and inspiring the audience make them feel and share the experience a piece of message through music that tells them that they are not alone even if its just for a moment. Cause sometimes it only takes a moment to reach someone in the audience. Like what it did to me... To catch that "magic" in little moments in music that touches our souls when we listen to it... The magic that takes the audience to places to make new possibilities that taps into our curiosity... That touches our subconciousness.... Just want to return the favor for what it did to me how i was a part of the audience how im still being touched and continue to be inspired by other musicians...

So wheres music nowadays??????????????  Yeah... the word stuck in between false pride of the "pinoy"and the superficial image of the "scene".... I might be filipino on paper but i dont belive in it... And im not an actor to be making a scene be in a scene or cause a scene... Im merely a human being who just loves making and listening to music. Who just wants to survive and live and play in peace. Without the politics and all the drama, drama, drama... blah, blah, blah... etc, etc, etc and so on and so forth of the scene... That drowns out the music by making loud noises...

But  there are a few out there who i can still believe in... Thats why im still here posting this... But this....??? And the scenery of politics and vanity... Yeah count me out. It can do without someone like me in it.. I mean im not an important figure or image.... And i dont plan on being one. I dont have the luxuries of that life. And i dont have to... I dont need to and i dont want to... If ill just end up wasting whats left of my hope, love, life and time BELIEVENG in a future reality thats not meant to happen for me. Instead... Ill just believe in what i have in my hands now... A choice... Not to be right or wrong but to be REAL... And choose not to step in that shit anymore... To put my foot down and say... I wont move you move this is what i believe in... And if you choose to not listen or even believe to pay attention to ignore... Well then thats your choice... And if its your choice to get angry or whatever or even see me as an enemy... Well then so be it.. I know now that its better to have enemies that hate you for being true to who you really are than to have friends and family or "belong" to a society or community or a world that accepts and loves ME for who im not or will never be... The fool that i really am... Well its better to be an ignorant fool who has never ending questions. Than to be an arrogant wise and knowledgeful person that pretends to know all the answers... Because they are in control and they use that control to manipulate lost souls into believing them... That "their" way... Is the cool way the trendy and the  "only" way. Sure i believed in that way before because of i felt alone....And i wanted to belong to a HIGHER purpose to put meaning into my life... To fill the void of my soul... Because i didnt have this or that or whatever happines meant for these people... You know... The lifestyle and the image that people so adored and desired to have... In order to you know... Have "purpose" and "meaning"...

Ever really wondered why i REALLY TRUTHFULLY  left the band the first time around? Yeah i mean... That deep down inside... I really didnt like what or who i was becoming at all... I felt like a puppet thats just playing music the way other people wanted or were telling me how to... To the very detail of how i sounded to them the mix of the amp to the very song itself... I didnt even use MY guitar or fx and my REAL intentions to how to sound how to this and that how to make other peoples music while i was losing my own sound ideas thoughts intentions or being "real" and true to how i really wanted to play and my very core in my identity in the world of music... And every time i go on stage... I just wasnt there...Because i was too busy and too lost in my own world as i was on auto pilot as i played... Lost in my thoughts...Unlike my first band which accepted me for ALL my flaws but supported and really listened the same way i listened to their input... Despite my super flaw of not having a definite "structured" direction or flow and just playing randomly how i wanted to sound... They still accepted me... And for playing for the first time... In that gig?  Experiencing it... Not holding back at all... Being true to what at that time the kind of music that i was learning from... But when i chose to quit that band because of you know... Impatience... Of nothing was happening we werent getting results that we wanted to... Like get popular get lots of women and be like our heroes...

I know what i did was wrong and all... And im sorry... All i wanted was to belong and be a part of something...Anything that could fill this emptiness... Of feeling alone...But now i realized and im still realizing that I was NEVER ever REALLY alone as i saw thought felt or experienced it... I mean rejection and all of its effects blinded me... As well as the desire to be loved and accepted by others....When the answer was there all along that i failed to see because i didnt want to look... Im NOT alone in this life... Because of one simple thing...And reality... Im HUMAN JUST LIKE ANYONE IN THIS WORLD.... I have just as much equal rights of being here... I dont have to be best or even worst... I just have to be REAL... And if this world doesnt accept "like" or "follow".... Well then its not my fault because i dont have control over anyone or everyone or no one that has an equal right to decide and to choose for themselves... In what they believe in... If people believe in war in chaos in the good the bad and the ugly thats their free choice but what im just saying is an honest opinion about it..How i dont like the idea of beliveing in countries, religion, social status and you know the rest of the walls and borders built to divide us. Its been all about the image of POWER and CONTROL over peoples lives... By manipulating the same old facts of knowledge to use it to take over everything to be in "control"...Because in reality... ALL they are capable of figuring out is how to keep themselves in control... Not about figuring out new ways how to improve or benefit human lives and this planet as we see it today... They always seem to find excuses to destroy kill terrorize... By using fake news and fear etc etc etc... "by any means possible" to have more of this and that etc etc etc....While saying "i love my "country" " at the same time saying "ill kill you"   But  they cant figure out a way how to heal the wounds of the people who lost faith in their so called leaders... And all they could do is offer people benefits incentives and money for their loss... And go on with their lives believing that they helped them. And they go on tv and apologize... While they still send blind soldiers who believe and follow in orders that put them in control  with all that they are... with "surgical airstrikes" fighting against "TERROR"... They are no better than the people they call and label as "adicts" that kill because of drugs... You dont have to be an addict to do that... You just have to be under the influence of dangerous  natural drugs... POWER... CONTROL... And of course... You just have to be yourself... Because you know what... People like you and i mean not just political figures but people that follow the trend and hype of the "culture" these days... Are helplessly addicted to it and just like a person getting addicted under because of its influence and effects of getting high and all mighty... Will and will always be capable of anything and everything in their power to be in power and on control... While in reality... They are the ones who choose their path and really in the end they are NOT in control... They cant accept that... They are the ones being puppets to control... Listen... Theres a way on how to deal with manipulators and controllers...

I had no intention of saying it until now because of my current situation... Which is im currently under the control of somone... Someone who claims to have all the facts about me... And its starting to happen again... And i fear that ill lose my freedom this time because im starting to wake up to my real purpose... And that might sound that im losing my mind to this persons perspective and send me to an institution... So im here to share everything that i can to ALL of you who are in trouble because of these kinds of people... Just apply it to politics goverments religion etc... The ones that claim to be in control... So im using whats left of my time to help by sharing this to you guys... NEVER EVER give information to them EVER... They will sound good in every word they say... They will ask you nicely about your opinion about how you would like to live your life... But in reality they are gathering information about you... So dont tell them the truth... Some people choose to accept and learn from hearing the truth... While controllers and manipulators use the truth against you... So people... Dont protest dont go against them this way... Dont even show emotions that your getting pissed... This is a way for them to use that against you... An excuse to Declare martial law or even make laws that will "benefit" the countries or even he world... Ever wondered why there are so many laws nowadays? Its so simple... To keep the ones in power in control over peoples choices...

To the controllers and manipulators

Well first of all i didnt want to confront you face to face because you will never listen to my side because you only believe in your side on what you "think" and "believe" is the "right" thing for me or for other people for that matter.

What is your problem? Why do you want, have, need to be in control of every little detailed aspect of someone elses life as if it were yours? How do you manage to single handedly secretly manipulate and twist people arund into following and bending to your will or way of life or how you see and EXPECT people to live their lives according to your "standards"? You know... Following blindy to your rules your self righteous way of how other peoples lives "should" "ought to" "need" to be.  Because that is all that you are capable of... You invade other peoples lives and "assume" that youre in "control" of their free will to have choices of their own.  You want "order" for them because its working for you... Or thats how the world works for you. I mean of course there should be order in everything... But i believe its MY choice to have order or chaos... Youre way isnt everybodys way of life... Because deep down inside... You dont know who or what you really are without "control" "order" because thats all you know. Thats the worst fear you have of losing. Your "power" over people or even situations in life you plan and scheme far into the future thinking that youre "prepared" ... Thats your free choice thats how you chose to live your life... But you cant face, handle or accept the "truth"... That that power over other people is all that you can ever do to give your life purpose or meaning. You know what... I dont hate or despise you... Because were ALL human... I understand but i pity you as a person obssesed over controlling the insignificant details of other peoples lives but your own. To give meaning to your existence... Well thats just you... I cant change that nobody can but you... You dont know how to accept and you ALWAYS find people that will back your ways, words, solutions as EXCUSES to prove that your right and im wrong and you cant respect other peoples/my opinions or suggestions but your own.  You poke holes that you can use against them when they dissagree with you to keep your control over them. Instead of being a "genuinely" simple part of the solution you just end up being a wolf in sheeps clothing to be a BIG PROBLEM... Which is walking on egg shells around you. Being so careful not to confront, rebel or challenge your "authority" over them. Otherwise theyll pay the severe consequences of not bending and complying to your scemes, plans and beliefs... You cant listen because you dont know how it feels like to confront your fears... I dont know or  ever care about you or your fears beause theyre your own to face and accept and learn from. You know what your problem is?  Youre "addicted" to a vice called POWER.... Power over the free will of people around you... Their choices and decicions in their OWN life... You dont, cant even give them the respect and dignity to choose and decide on their own because YOURS is the "right" way the ONLY way. You go ahead af time and "assume" predict and make scemes about whats "good" for them in your  and your opinion only. The way you see things your way... For your sake of getting that pleasure of being in control... By believeing you know it all... Because you THINK you know every fact and know the outcome of every single event, situation or predicament... And when they dont happen again you know how to improvise... You find little things little details and you manipulate them to make a comeback...In the end... To put it simply...You just cant figure out the true purpose of YOUR life on your own... When youre all alone... And you cant get your fix on your temporary high of being in control... Who are you??????????  I dont know or even want or care to know to be honest... But this is how i see you or people like you... Youre merely a puppet of your addiction... CONTROL...

Yeah you may have this or that you may have a job but what do you REALLY have? Solutions to everything? Knowledge about how to live in live the way you do? Because of what? Facts? Figures? Your a genuine person with genuine intentions? Look... If thats how its gonna be.. If thats how ill turn out to be... "in control" over lives of people.... Id rather lose everything for being TRUE to myself than to gain this or that by obeying and submitting to controlling manipulative and pretentious people who 'CLAIM" to know whats in my best interest by following their standards... Because thats not what i believe in. You know what i really really REALLY want, need, have to have? Not jobs carrers knowledge self righeousness or control to have what you have... I dont want to just "exist"... You know follow other peoples standards of living the way they see fit or whats right for you like being a robot following routines and schedules... I get it... Thats how the world works... Thats a reality... ACCORDING to your kind... I can respect that, i can listen to that... BUT its not me... I just want to live the rest of my life in peace and have a deeper meaning and purpose in life before i die... That means I have control over my god given free will to choose and decide how my life will turn out be...Without without fearing people like you... Who expects that my plans align with yours perfectly structured schemes to satisfy your ego pride and ambition... To feed and breed on your good image of yourself... So you claim to have my best interest in your so called heart... As if you have one... You change my birthday you assume guardianship then recently you make me a dissabled person for my "benefit"... You didnt even bother to ask me for my permission or even simply asked me how i thought about it... Oh wait... I remember not agreeing to getting a PWD card... In front of a doctor... Or even agreeing that YOU will be a "guardian"... You just use my "condition" as an excuse to give you the control and power over my life... Whats left of it... And now you made it official by getting a PWD card.  To say to the world that i NEED you to control my life because im handicapped, have a "condition" and "disabled" and im not in the right mind to make decicions or act or even live on my own... To be "semi-independent" for the remainder of my life... That means that youll always be there to control put order blah blah blah... Listen... Your defenition of disability handicapped or having mental conditions are excuses to control me??? Because you think and "BELIEVE" that i cant i shouldnt i couldnt have my own life... I know... Its nice to be needed... I get it... But its so selfish YOU are selfish... YOU and other people like you are the reason why people like us give up or think of giving up by surrendering and submitting our lives to you... But no... You know what? Accepting and admitting that youre disabled and not capable and functioning as a human being thats being DISSABLED... Not when youre still capable of doing everything and anything by choosing FREELY whats good or whats bad... So now you have an official excuse to control me... And who can forget... The "experts opinion" that back the evidence of me being a PWD... Giving you the "power" the right to my invade and manipulate whats left of my life... YEHEY!!!!  Congratulations!!!! You surely materialized your schemes from the start... Well done... Well done... Indeed... You are the master of puppets...

Youre not saying it verbally but basically to cut things short this is your simple message... "Its in your best interest to keep me happy... Because if im not happy then... I have weapons and know ways to make you unhappy. Just PRETEND youre doing this for yourself to make it easy..." Bottomline is... I dont believe and trust controlling and manipulative people PERIOD... Because i dont and will NEVER want be like you... I dont have to... Because i dont need to live like you... I have a free choice... A choice not to confront and defeat and crush your twisted sick mind... Even am capable of it... I dont have to do that for you... Youre already doing it yourself without knowing it... You know what ill do for you? The best way to deal with you... Comply... Sure ill give you what you want... And i wont even argue about it cause you always have to, need to win with all your "facts"... And ill get what i want in return... When you wake up to the truth by looking at what you really are in my point of view and finding yourself without control over the TRUTH of how i really feel and how i see you for the person who you really are and who you pretend to be... I mean im just surviving and adapting to please you and your so called "structure" and long term scemes. In reality im sacrificing my freedom of choice for my OWN plans and life just to align with your  selfish schemes to meet your expectations... You dont get it do you... With all your theories and assumptions... Its peoples DECICION to be unhappy or happy good or bad mediocre or great insane or sane... And its your decicion to be the bitch that you are... But my decision??? My goal and my ambition? Is really simple ... BE REAL... And be true...

I dont want a job to merely mindlessly exist in the world... I believe in having a purpose of being part of something bigger than just ME... I dont and will never find real meaning or purpose in that line of work or your so called standards of life... Thats not my world... But thats what you expect me to do and expect me to be... Because thats how EVERYBODY sees the Right way the only way... And when i miss out on the smallest insignificant details of "complying"? How YOU expect me to live... Youll come up with something... An excuse to to make the choice of making me suffer for being TRUE... When ALL i want is to live the remaining days of my life in peace and harmony... So i could go and fullfill my purpose of living with a clear mind, heart and soul without people like you... That i have the free will to choose  and to put meaning in my life and lives of other people... I have plans... I have choices and decisions to FREELY choose from... But i cant think with TOXIC people like YOU around... I already did it in facebook with my so called friends... I made it official... I left them ALL... Because i never believed in their world from the start. The truth is i was just alone felt alone or i thought i was alone in the world... Thats why i chose to be in that world... Their world... Made BAD decisions along the way... The worst decisionin my life was not to do drugs or other vices... I mean that was the EFFECT of making the bad decision of being fake... Merely because i wanted to "belong" accepted and be loved for it... And be a part of my own destruction... But you know what? The only thing good about that is that it was my FREEDOM to choose the wrong things... So i paid the price on MY OWN terms... BUT i learned from that bad slip that caused me to fall rockbottom into the pitts... It took me a while but i learned something out of it... I mean its ok to be alone and its better to be alone... Its better to have REAL  enemies in the real world that reject, judge, prosecute, make fun of or even hate you for being true to who you really are... Than to have friends and a family that accepts and loves you for someone youre not and will never be. But you know what? I no longer have friends, i dont see you as family and im on my own... But that doesnt mean im alone in the world... There are billions of human beings out there like me... Being "alone"is a choice. Just like being depressed being psychotic good evil black or white if you "choose" to be...  

Look... If i want or need  for your advise or help wait for it... Dont invade my space and my life with all your assumptions, theories and conclusions on how i should live it the way you see fit... I dont want it i dont need it... I never told you how to run your life... I mean to be honest i dont even care how you live your life... Because i dont need to, dont have to and i dont even want to... Because i dont want anybody like you to tell me how to live my life... I know now why youre alone... Because you dont want your control to be compromised... Youre afraid of losing the ONE thing that youll ever valued "control"...  Youll think im getting depressed and psychotic and who knows when or how i might just lose it all again the little things that give my life meaning for expressing and exposing my version of the truth which is... I DONT  AND WILL NEVER TRUST PEOPLE LIKE YOU... Who knows... This may trigger you to stab me in the back for the last time... You just think and assume with all your knowledge and theories that your way is the "right" way the ONLY way... MY way???I choose to be real and true to how i feel about people like you. I cant stand  to be around you... You drain me of my life force and my energy just by being around you and people like you...  Youll never understand because youre a pretentious manipulator...You people are so toxic you should do the world a favor... Live on an island without people in it... To deal and live with your sick manipulative and twisted mind tricks. And ill throw in a gift for you... A mirror to reflect you while you manipulate a puppet... To see and know your still in control of something.

So now you know the truth... Well its up to you to believe this its your choice... Its also your choice to make MY life more miserable. By letting you know how i REALLY REALLY feel and see you as... Or to just look listen or feel the experience of me living with a person like you... Just for telling you this... That just proves that im right about you... The REAL you... Just like an addict... Getting a temporary high and suffering a deep thirst for control... Take it all away and what are you? I dont know and i dont want to know... Because i wont even care to know... Second mother my ass... Please... I dont even see you as a distant friend... You know theres no medicine for ignorance... If you think you know it all and can control the outcome of my life... Well look at your life through mine... You pretend to be a saint... Appearing to care and know whats right for me... When all you want is to keep me as a trophy making you feel good that my plans align with your perfectly orchestrated detailed schemes... To keep telling yourself youre a good person with "good" intentions... I dont like what im becoming...

You demand respect from me without earning it... I just follow you to make you feel good that youre in control... Im FORCED to respect you because you have ways to make me suffer if you wanted to... Fear is your tool... Theres always a threat that ill loose the little things i find excuses to love and appreciate and live for... Fear of losing whats left of my time to go after and live a purpose driven life that you can easily take away if i dont "obey"... Well we might become enemies after this... But you know what... Its better to have the world as an enemy because youre TRUE to yourself... Its easier when people hate you for the truth rather than to have friends and family that accept and love you for someone youre not or will never be.

If you read THIS??? It means THIS is my space in this universe... I wont move You move... And if your move is to take it all away? Think and assume that im going "insane" or "relapsing" and decide to MESS whats left of my life... So be it... Its your free will... To choose what kind of person you REALLY are. And my free will says to me... Let it be... Thats just the way you are... A control freak getting a fix when you suck out  the freedom out of people... And you wont stop Until you get your temporary high. The best thing anybody can do for you... Is pitty you... Then ignore you for who you trully really are... An evil person hiding behind good intentions... At the same time you see yourself as a saint. When all that you are capable of is being a caring dictator... Saying you love while Using fear in a subtle way to get what you want... Just face the reality youre NOT  the good person you see yourself as... When your ultimate scheme is to take over peoples lives... With your intricately planed and intellectually calculated and deeply detailed  little "opinions","suggestions" "theories" "assumptions" etc etc etc blah blah blah that you so carefully whisper into my ear and decievingly offer me so that i wont notice your real intention... Well thats the craft of a natural manipulator... You know what you are to me? How i see you? To put it in simple terms... Youre not a good person youre a good manipulator and controller...

And the differences between you and me? You decieve... I believe... And if you dont have a clue... Then thats just trully you... But you know what??? You dont deserve the truth... Because youll just choose to hear it and not listen to it see it but not look at it Know it but wont understand it... Because you simply cant, wont will never accept it... What youll do is analyze and calculate and find ways how to bend it, manipulate it twist it and find a way to turn it against me to benefit and satisfy twisted and sick thirst, desire and addiction for control. I live for the truth while you live to control it and use it against other people... Because thats what you really are... And without control youre NOTHING... And thats how i see you as a person...

Bottom line is... You dont love me... You love your control over me by pretending you know whats in my best interest. Guess what.

I DONT RESPECT, BELIEVE TRUST OR EVEN LOVE YOU AT ALL... Im just complying to give you you temporary satisfaction in your addiction... Because i know what addicts are capable of when they dont get their high... I dont have to destroy you... Because i choose not to... Youll end up doing that on your own... When you lose me or the things you love to control... And all youll be left with??? I dont know because im not and will not use my free will to choose to control over the things i love... Because i simply love them for what they are. And i wont change a thing about what or who they are if they have a different opinion... If i love them, i will choose to listen and still accept them for what or how they REALLY are... Accept them for their flaws and not try to pretend to know and manipulate and control them. And i will let them grow on their own... But someone like you wont get it...

You dont have to kill to be evil in this world... You just have to be you...

In life in MY opinion... Having no control at all is a better life for ME as a human being as a musician... Because in music there are just "factors" you cant control or predict  like when and how a string breaks, technical problems, rain the environment or even how the audience receives you.. Anything could go wrong... And the worst thing that can go  wrong? Is for you to assume that nothing can go wrong... Because of overconfidence... Anything can happen...Just like in life..I accept and believe that i have no POWER over anyone or everyone ... I dont want to, i dont have to i dont need to... Because i dont know anything or everything about life... All i have are real questions not fake answers to offer anyone... Because now i realize that not having answers or solutions facts is whats life for ME is all about... Its being a naive and simple fool and asking lots of question... And applying it to little things that i love doing... Like music... I dont believe in structure or form or theories or how it should played... Thats a different world... In which i just cant exist in... I believe in finding molody and harmony from mindless, baseless chaos IN the moment of creating beautiful music the real way i see myself playin it imagining it...How flickering lights may sound like how the stars sound like when they sparkle in the night sky... What kind of music or sounds couldve been backround for the creation of life as we know it?  What was the origin of vibration? I want and choose this gift to be a part of the big picture in a small insignificant way... And the only way i choose to contribute to this life is to play it in my real way...

It all started off from an idea... When i was in a period of ?????????.... It was just a moment of peace and quiet... Then i heard the sound of my imagination... On how it would be like in space... Then that idea... Sparked a vision... And then before i noticed it.. It took over me...I was so inspired by what i was creating and hearing and seeing... And experiencing... That i had to stop at times and just... And just feel so incredibly overwhelmed by the grand scale of this piece of music and asking how i was doing it or where it was all coming from. And before i knew it... It was living on its own and i can no longer control it... It became bigger than all my wildest expectations. And it went beyond what i thought i was capable of doing... I set a limit but i found myself surprising myself proving to  myself in small ways small steps that its possible... And i was even hearing this idea of the 8th note... You know... Do re mi fa so la ti and....

But then i got distracted....By false light and the bright artificial  lights of the pinoy music scene... And instead of staying in my ground... I knowingly chose to be part of the scene... EXPECTING to be like everybody else.. to belong... But in the end... Choosing "that" distraction you know the lights the women the lifestyle... Caused me to slip... In life we fall... There are accidents that we cannot control... But there are causes like being distracted and losing focus that causes these little slips causing us to fall... I got distracted by the lights of that life... Plain and simple... I knowingly and i was fully aware of what it could do to me... And it was my choice to go for it and i expected a different result... But i learned something out of that slip... Its better to be and live in the dark on your own and see TRUE lights among the REAL stars by just looking up and listen to music of the overwhelming purpose in the universe and realize and accept how insignificantly ignorant i really am... Than to be in the light blinded by  artificial flashy lights and the noise of loud people and drowning my music in the lifestyle of the scene... Thats not me...

NOT ANYMORE.  But as much that i would like and love to destroy that idiotic idea of constructing borders and walls like "pinoy music scene"... And how i know im confidently well capable of it just like anyone else is capable of... I wont have to or need to...  it will do that on its own like the rest of the toxic people that are hooked on the image of being in CONTROL...  Because i have simple choice... A real choice... To live with dignity,  restraint, compassion, endurance, humility, connection and MOST IMPORTANTLY to authentically be in LOVE in life... And be real about it... And make mistakes along the way... After all im just human just like you...Just accepting and embracing my flaws and weaknesses...

SO WHY CANT YOU???