#and the dentist and doctor appointments I HAVE to make but can’t afford | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

purpleyin · 2 years

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I started doing the joylists idea with Lughnasadh and so far I’m not finding it too hard to list 13 things I’m grateful for each Monday, but I have to say despite being grateful for stuff life is pretty hard right now. Mainly because health (content warning for chronic illness and medical stuff below the read more).

I started taking iron supplements for low iron because tests done to figure out my increased fatigue this year showed that, but the ironic thing there is I used to have even lower ferritin in 2019 and 2020 when they’d tested me before and they didn’t deem that treatable then. So honestly I doubt the low iron is responsible for my increased fatigue this year, but it’s always possible it’s responsible for some of my ongoing fatigue anyhow. The downside to taking these is they are really hard to space out as I can’t take certain meds within 4 hours of them and you’re meant to avoid food/drink if you can and of certain types especially to not be taken with, like caffeine and milk. All this has meant my sleep cycle is screwy since I get up early to take a tablet and then try to go back to sleep to get enough hours before breakfast and normal medications. But my body isn’t taking to the new routine well, it still doesn’t want to sleep until 3-4am and I get up at 8am to take one, then sleep til 12 noon to get more sleep. That only ends up with about 8 hours sleep when my body needs 10 hours to be okay, so it’s slowly sleep depriving me. :( I ended up skipping this mornings tablet just to be able to have a lie-in and give my body a break.

GPs and I both are of the opinion that my autoimmune stuff has been flaring up too, which is probably responsible for both the increase in fatigue and worsening of my photosensitivity that I didn’t notice until it was summer and I tried occasionally going out again and got hit by migraines a lot more and a lot more easily too. I got migraine glasses that help some but there’s not really anything I can do about the fatigue and brain fog that’s making it hard to focus and work right now. Unfortunately I’m still waiting to hear back from the hospital properly, they gave a brief call to apologise that my general followup appointment is 2 months overdue already but couldn’t answer when I’d get a call back about that or the flare-up. Fun fact, my specialist no longer works there! /s. It sounds like they are short staffed and I don’t have anyone assigned to me yet, some mention of a junior doctor taking on me as a patient which doesn’t fill me with confidence. Though I suppose the advantage of younger doctors is possibly less set in their ways, might be more uptodate on recent research and treatments.

I’ve also been worried about my dental health lately. I’m doing better at keeping up a routine now and taking it seriously but I’ve not seen a dentist for 11 years and I full well know that there will be things that need doing. I expect several fillings but I’m concerned maybe some getting left too late might mean extractions or root canals or something else major. I’m kind of worried I may have done irreparable damage to my gums as well from years of not managing selfcare well enough while ill and depressed, I think they have receded in places and I don’t think that can be fixed. I know the answer is I just need to go and deal with whatever needs doing, the sooner it’s dealt with the better, but the spanner in the works is that nowhere in my city is taking NHS patients on right now. Some places have waiting lists but wouldn’t even estimate how long the wait is - if I don’t know if it will be weeks, months or even years then I can’t tell how urgent it is for me to try to find a way to make private treatment work instead. I found 1 private place that has more affordable rates (it’s a chain) and I was prepared to get on there but honestly can’t cope with sorting that out while other stuff is going on. I may need to stop certain medications to be able to have work done and stopping them during a flare-up isn’t gonna be a good idea. I also would need to contact the hospital for more advice on this and they are often tricky to get a hold of and that all adds up to more than I can cope with right now. I may just need to put this on the back burner until my flare-up is dealt with but who knows when that is gonna be.

In the category of one fork too many, I had yet another prescription ordeal which this left me without my preventative inhaler for over a week due to stock shortages with my online pharmacy. It kept saying in stock soon so I waited a day longer several times expecting it’d just be a bit late, but it wasn’t changing and then they were slow to respond to my ‘I need it sooner’ support ticket and couldn’t move the prescription elsewhere when some items had been fulfilled already. Taken several days to sort out emergency prescription redone to local place. Pharmacy promised to liaise with GPs about it urgently but then didn’t so I had to instead and GPs did it but didn’t tell me it had been sent to the pharmacy until I rang up to check. Been quite anxious this week, probably because of that since taking just my emergency inhaler is clearly not enough and it is disconcerting to feel my lungs get worse each day. I always think of my asthma as mild, but this was a stark reminder that is only seems so because the medication is controlling it and without them it gets worse fairly quickly. I should get my new one today so long as the local pharmacy has stock, but it might take my lungs a while to get back to normal. It’s possible this has been fucking with my sleep too, I guess I’ll find out soon whether that or my anxiety improves any once I’ve been on it for a while again. I don’t know if the anxiety was situational or if it might also be a neuro symptom of my flare-up potentially.

I have had one load taken off me lately, finally transitioned out of a volunteer role I’d been doing for years. Trained my replacement. Not sure if they will stay since they felt it was a bit overwhelming, but that ceases to be my problem. Another work project, formatting a book in InDesign - which has been a steep learning curve - is also hopefully almost done. First printing is getting done soon, might need some corrections but it would be nice if it is good as is and nothing more, put that project to rest too. I still have some other work stuff hanging over me I really need to sort out but low spoons and problems focusing are making it hard to do much of anything the last few weeks. I have spurts of enthusiasm for writing and other projects but the energy isn’t really there to back up those aims most of the time which makes me sad. I just really need to have less on my plate so I will be glad once I’ve finished wipbigbang art too.

#personal #hans rants #chronic illness #chronic fatigue

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lam33townsend · 2 years

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What Can A Virtual Medical Consultation Tell You That Your Doctor Won't?

This article highlights the benefits of using a virtual consultation service like Doctor on Demand. Take a look and find out what you might be missing out on by not utilizing this resource for your medical needs!

What's the difference between a virtual consultation and a physical doctor appointment?

A virtual consultation is a way to see a doctor without actually going to the doctor's office. You can do this over the internet, by phone, or in person. This type of consultation is good if you don't have time to go to the doctor's office or if you can't travel. A physical doctor appointment is when you go to the doctor's office and meet with them. You might also do tests, see a nurse, or have a doctor talk to you about your symptoms. A physical doctor appointment is usually better if you have time to go and want to see the doctor.

Why do I need to go see my doctor?

A virtual medical consultation can help you get an idea of if you need to see your doctor. A virtual consultation is a way to have a doctor look at your health records and ask you questions about your symptoms. It's not a substitute for seeing a doctor, but it can help you decide if you need to see your doctor. Virtual consultations are often done online. You can try a service like www.myhealthvault.com or www.medscape.com to find a virtual consultation service in your area. If you decide that you do need to see your doctor, be sure to schedule an appointment as soon as possible!

How often should I be getting my physicals done?

If you are healthy and do not have any health concerns, you may not need to get a physical exam every year. However, if you have health concerns or if you are age 50 or older, you may need to get a physical exam every two years.

What could be wrong with me that I'm not feeling or seeing?

What are some of the symptoms of different medical conditions? Can you tell me more about medications I may be taking and their side effects? Is there anything else I should be aware of?

Screening Tests

A virtual consultation can help you identify potential health concerns early and save money by avoiding unnecessary tests and procedures. Here are some of the most common screening tests that a virtual consultation can help you avoid: 1. A cholesterol test can tell you if you have high cholesterol levels, which may lead to heart disease. A virtual consultation can help you determine if your cholesterol is elevated and what steps you should take to lower your blood cholesterol levels. 2. A colonoscopy can help diagnose colon cancer. Although a virtual consultation cannot replace a colonoscopy, it may be able to help you decide if a colonoscopy is right for you. A virtual consultation can also help you understand the risks and benefits of having a colonoscopy. 3. A mammogram can detect breast cancer early and save your life. However, mammograms are not always accurate and they may also cause false positive results. A virtual consultation can help you understand the risks and benefits of having a mammogram and make an informed decision whether or not to have one.

Labs and blood tests

If you're looking for an affordable and convenient way to get your blood work done, a virtual medical consultation may be a good option for you. While in-person visits can be expensive, virtual consultations can often be done for a fraction of the cost. This is because many labs offer discounted rates to patients who use their services through a virtual consultation. Additionally, many Online dentist now offer online blood tests as an alternative to in-person exams. While some people find this format less personal, others find it more convenient and comfortable. If you're interested in trying out a virtual medical consultation, make sure to ask your doctor if it's available in your area.

Metabolism Tests and other conditions

A virtual medical consultation can be a great resource for people who want to get a second opinion on health concerns. A virtual consultation can give you access to a doctor from anywhere in the world, and can help you get a better understanding of your individual health situation.

Medical Conditions tend to run in families

When you go to see your doctor, he or she will take a detailed history of your health and symptoms. However, a virtual medical consultation can provide even more information about your medical condition because it uses computer-generated images and descriptions of your body. For example, if you have heart disease, the virtual consultation might show a picture of your heart and describe the different types of heart disease. This information can help you better understand the condition and figure out what steps you need to take to improve your health. A virtual medical consultation can also help you find out if you have any other conditions that may be causing your symptoms. For example, if you are having trouble breathing, the consultation might show a picture of your lungs and explain how they work. This information can help you figure out what steps you need to take to improve your health. If you are worried about something that is not going well with your health, a virtual medical consultation can help you figure out what is wrong and how to fix it.

#Online dentist

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ollieofthebeholder · 3 years

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leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall): a TMA fanfic

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Chapter 24: Helen Richardson

It’s been almost five hours that Helen has been making the rounds of this particular house. It’s a Grade II listed building, which means that on top of the usual bankers, executives, dentists, and barristers traipsing through, she has a few people she’s fairly certain can’t afford the building but who are clearly interested in what a historic home that can be lived in might look like, despite the fact that the interior has been redone several times. She’s a little more brusque with them than the others—nothing that can be complained about, of course, just on the off-chance they are actually able and, more importantly, willing to buy it, but there’s no point in wasting her time on someone she won’t earn a commission from.

She checks her list. She has one last viewing scheduled for the afternoon, and she frowns slightly at the entry. She’s not certain how to pronounce the last name, which instantly puts her on edge, and she’s a little bit annoyed that whoever put together her appointment schedule didn’t proofread it before they printed it.

It’s only when she answers the door that she realizes that her list is actually meant to say Dr. and Mr. Walter Koskiewicz.

“Ms. Richardson?” one of the two men says. His voice is far more polished and refined than she would have expected. He’s neatly dressed in a pearl-grey button-down, tailored black pants, and a discreet but expensive-looking watch. His bearing is assured and confident, and despite the warm smile on his face, he moves like a man accustomed to obedience, respect, and wielding a decent amount of power.

Still, Helen is hard-pressed to keep her distaste from showing. The man’s silver-streaked dark hair is longer than she thinks is decent for someone in a position of authority and worn in a style more appropriate to a twenty-something entrepreneur running an experimental tech start-up than the middle-aged academic he appears (she guesses the “doctor” title is more in the nature of a Ph.D. than a medical degree). He’s also covered in scars, round and slightly ridged, pale against his brown skin, and she can’t even begin to guess where they came from, but it’s probably not something she wants to even think about, let alone know about.

And then there’s his…husband?

They’re an odd-looking couple, to be sure. The second man is at least a head taller than the first and decidedly fatter—Helen thinks uncharitably of an illustration in the book of nursery rhymes she had as a child depicting Jack Spratt and his wife—with blue eyes and fair skin dusted with freckles. His hair is short and curly, a mix of caramel and white, which is the only clue that he’s probably around the same age as the other man. He doesn’t hold himself with the same assurance and authority; while he’s smiling as well, he actually seems more than a little nervous. He’s dressed just as neatly and professionally as the first man, but he’s clinging to the first man’s arm very tightly. She can’t tell if it’s out of nerves or possessiveness or what, and she almost wants to tell him that she’s not interested in his man.

Instead, she schools her expression as best as she can. “Yes, I’m Helen Richardson.” Normally she would ask if they are the last name on her list, but she doesn’t really want to try and pronounce it, so she simply waits.

“I’m Dr. Walter Koskiewicz,” the first man says smoothly, holding out his hand. It bears the same round scars as his face, with the addition of what looks like the remains of a severe burn on his hand, which makes Helen extremely reluctant to touch it. “This is my husband Kieran. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Charmed,” Helen says. She accepts his hand for a perfunctory shake and keeps her professional smile on her face despite the somewhat unpleasant feel of the thing. She ought to offer her hand to the other as well, but frankly she just wants to get this over. “Shall we begin the tour?”

“Of course.” Is it her imagination, or does Dr. Koskiewicz sound slightly disappointed?

Helen launches into the by-now familiar script as she begins showing the two men around the house. Dr. Koskiewicz makes several remarks that seem rather banal to her regarding the decor, and she finds herself wondering what his field is. She can’t place what Mr. Koskiewicz does for a living, either. She’d almost suspect he was simply arm candy if he was younger and fitter, but unless he’s let himself go to seed a great deal, there has to be a reason beyond that they married. And in her experience, most men whose trophy wives no longer meet a certain standard of attractiveness obtain divorces and trade in for a newer model. It may be different for gay men, though—how would she know? Of course, Dr. Koskiewicz isn’t exactly a beauty prize himself, and considering this house is on the lower end of the pricing spectrum for the sorts of places Helen usually shows, he likely isn’t as well-off as all that, comparatively. So it’s entirely possible he simply doesn’t want to rid himself of an old spouse until he’s lined up a new one.

It’s also possible that they’re actually in love, but Helen wouldn’t know about that either.

As they approach the kitchen, she begins mentally wagering with herself on whether or not they are actually interested in purchasing the house. Usually the kitchen is where the distinction comes in. It’s had all modern appliances and new counters and cabinets put in, so generally speaking, the people who are only there for curiosity’s sake start asking questions about when it was renovated and how permission was obtained and what it looked like before (Helen has no idea; the renovations were done some years ago, per the specs, and she wasn’t even working for Wolverton Kendrick then) and, often, rant about destroying the historical significance of the house, even though it’s only a Grade II. At least it enables her to weed them out as having an intent to buy before they see what’s been done to the upstairs. The serious buyers will peer in but not usually show much interest in it, considering most of them have someone to do the cooking for them, or else comment on the colors or the brand of the appliances.

She doesn’t tell the two men this, of course, only gives them the standard patter about the timing of the upgrades as she leads them in to show them the door to the back garden. Dr. Koskiewicz checks in the doorway and turns to his husband. “It’s a bit narrow. Do you want to go first?”

“You go ahead,” Mr. Koskiewicz says. It’s the first thing he’s said since he came into the house, and his voice definitely isn’t as polished as the doctor’s. Helen wonders if he’s an academic as well, just not as highly distinguished a one—a librarian, maybe? He also has a faint accent she can’t quite place. She can’t tell if they’re both foreign and Dr. Koskiewicz just had better teachers, or if, odd as it may seem, Dr. Koskiewicz chose to take his less-impressive husband’s surname rather than whatever name he had before. “Just warn me before you stop.”

“Of course.” Dr. Koskiewicz kisses him on the cheek, then moves forward to follow Helen.

She watches Mr. Koskiewicz for a moment, and then it hits her all of a sudden. He’s blind. She didn’t notice at first because of his glasses—clear glass, not sunglasses—and his eyes look, well, normal, not cloudy or scarred like she might have expected. The fact that he can pass himself off as a normal person bothers her, for some reason. However, the couple appears to be in the class of being able to afford the house, so she’s not going to risk saying something that might offend him, or his husband. She merely continues with her spiel.

“What are the schools like in the area?” Mr. Koskiewicz asks as they come back in from the back garden. The question makes Helen miss a step. The sorts of people who usually buy homes from Wolverton Kendrick normally have their children taught at home, and the older ones tend to get sent away to boarding school. It’s so unheard-of for her to get that question that she hasn’t even bothered to familiarize herself with the answer.

“How old are your children?” she asks, to buy herself a bit of time while she sneaks a quick glance at the folder. Surely there’s something in there about area schools. Surely.

“Oh, we don’t have any yet,” Dr. Koskiewicz says. “At the moment, it’s only the two of us and the cat. We’ve begun the application process to adopt, though, and we’re hoping to be matched soon. It’s why we’re looking at homes. Our current living situation is spacious enough, I suppose, but…not necessarily somewhere you’d want to raise a child. Or children, as the case may be. We’re hoping for more than one, at some point.”

“Well, then, you’ll have time to select the right schools.” Helen manages to find the data on local primary schools and reads off the statistics in her file. She tries to make it sound like she already knew the information, but the steady look Dr. Koskiewicz gives her makes her suspect he knows she was unprepared for it, which makes her tense and a little angry. It’s not her fault they chose to ask about something so unusual.

As they head up the stairs, she decides to fish about a bit for some information. The problem is that she still isn’t confident that she’ll pronounce their name properly, and the last thing she wants is to be condescended to. That’s the way with these academic types, she’s often found; they have a little bit of power and wield it like a weapon, especially over a woman or someone they perceive to be beneath them. So in order to get the information she wants, she’ll need to come at it sideways.

“Are you at Kings College?” she asks, casually, trying to sound as if she doesn’t care one way or another if he does.

“No, I work in Chelsea,” Dr. Koskiewicz replies. At first she thinks that’s all she’s going to get, but after a moment, he adds, “I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Magnus Institute?”

Helen isn’t, not really, but she’ll chew off her own arm before she admits that. It never goes over well with clients when you profess ignorance of their profession; they always get offended if they think you should have heard of them, or at least what they do, and you haven’t. Besides, she doesn’t want to wind up in the middle of a history lesson on a non-profit or a think tank or whatever the Magnus Institute qualifies as. Best to hedge her bets. “Quite a prestigious institution,” she says in as neutral a voice as she can.

“You might say it’s outstanding in its field,” Mr. Koskiewicz says. His voice is almost as bland and neutral as Helen’s.

“It’s where we met,” Dr. Koskiewicz informs Helen. She glances over his shoulder to see him smile at Mr. Koskiewicz in a way that makes her stomach turn over. “I was hired as a researcher, he was in the library.”

Helen feels a slight stab of vindication—she was right about Mr. Koskiewicz—but it’s layered with a veneer of disgust about the whole situation. This isn’t the sort of neighborhood that would normally welcome people like them, she doesn’t think. Some of these high-end neighborhoods are getting a bit more diverse, but these two are a bit much all at once. She’ll admit that Mr. Koskiewicz seems normal enough, at least to all outward appearances, but he’s very clearly the less powerful of the two, and his blindness is definitely a point against him.

Upstairs in the home are four rooms designated as bedrooms, and used as such by the current owners, but which can also be studies or something similar if need be. She delivers the usual speech extolling the virtues of the rooms. Mr. Koskiewicz is listening rather intently, but to her surprise and slight annoyance, Dr. Koskiewicz seems distracted. He keeps examining every door intently, peering into the spaces in between, like he’s looking for evidence of woodworm or wants to see the details of the construction. There’s something a bit unsettling about it.

“Calm down, serce, you’re going to give me a headache,” Mr. Koskiewicz murmurs. “It’s okay.”

“I know, it’s—” Dr. Koskiewicz sighs and squeezes his husband’s hand before turning to Helen. “Ms. Richardson. Have you ever noticed…something unusual in this house? Or any house you were showing? Like…a door that shouldn’t be there?”

“I’m…sorry?” Helen says cautiously. She’s had some weird questions asked before. She’s been asked about whether or not a basement can be made watertight (not waterproof, the client had insisted, he wanted to fill the basement with water and have a subterranean swimming pool and wanted to know if it was possible). She’s been asked about a room’s suitability for rituals to the Old Gods and about whether it contained enough space for an exorcism. She’s been asked if homes are haunted, if any murders have taken place in them, and if they might have secret tunnels used by robbers or counterfeiters. But being asked if she’s ever seen a door that shouldn’t be there? That’s new.

“It’s not a trick question, Ms. Richardson. Have you ever encountered a door in a place you weren’t expecting—yellow, perhaps?”

Okay, this is definitely weird. And a yellow door? Why is he being so emphatic about it? Her smile is slipping. The worst of it is that Helen doesn’t know the right answer. The truth, of course, is that she has no idea what he’s talking about. Of course she hasn’t seen any appearing or disappearing doors. She deals firmly in reality. She’s never seen a ghost, never spotted a UFO, never met anyone possessed by a demon. She doesn’t believe in magic, or have much truck with religion—she goes to church services with her mother on Christmas and Easter, but that’s about it, and she’s not sure how much of it she actually buys into. Certainly she’s never seen a door that wasn’t exactly where the house plan said it should be.

But she’s also usually fairly good at judging why a client is asking about such things. Some of the people who ask about murders or hauntings are fearful. Others are hopeful. The answer is almost always actually no, especially if it’s about the supernatural, but when she senses a client who will pay extra to be haunted or to be able to claim a salacious history to their new home, she’ll make something up, then jot it down after the client leaves just in case someone else asks before the first client commits to the sale. Very, very occasionally, there is an actual alleged haunting attached to the house—and once she really did have a house on the market that may have been lived in by a serial killer during the height of his crimes—but she’s good at spinning the story properly whether it’s something the owners disclosed to her or she made it up on the spot. The trouble is that she doesn’t know if Dr. Koskiewicz wants this alleged door to be there or not.

After a heartbeat, she decides on honesty. Frankly, she doubts they’re actually going to buy the house, regardless of what she says. At least this way she doesn’t have to pretend to have seen an unexpected door, be asked to describe it, and get caught out in a lie. That won’t do much for her credibility, or her commissions. You never know what kind of influence people actually have and they might spread around that she can’t be trusted.

“I can’t say that I have, Dr…” She trails off as she realizes she still doesn’t know how to pronounce his name properly.

“Koskiewicz,” Mr. Koskiewicz supplies. He’s studying Helen intently, making her wonder if she was wrong about him being blind…but no, he’s just looking in her direction, but seeming to focus on a point slightly to the left of her. It’s actually more than a little creepy and she wishes he would stop. “That’s a good thing, Ms. Richardson. A very good thing.”

“Please, allow me to explain,” Dr. Koskiewicz says, sliding his arm around Mr. Koskiewicz’s waist. “We at the Magnus Institute study the paranormal and the supernatural. One of the phenomena I have been studying involves this…door that keeps turning up unexpectedly. You might say it’s a rather persistent haunting. And it’s dangerous. Very dangerous.”

“I see,” Helen says politely. She hopes he’s not about to lecture her. There is nothing she finds less enjoyable than an academic explaining his pet project or particular area of study to her. She would, in complete honesty, rather jam a sharp stick into her eardrums. And the paranormal? Definitely not an area she has any interest in. The historians she can just about tolerate, as she occasionally learns something worth sharing about a house she’s showing that can bump up the price if the right party hears it. But she really isn’t sure she can sell a haunted door as a feature. Unless this mysterious door comes with a ghost of some kind, but really, that seems a bit ludicrous. And there’s no guarantee it would be tied to any one particular house. There’s no resale value in it.

“But you haven’t seen anything like that,” Dr. Koskiewicz says. “You’re certain?”

“Very,” Helen says firmly. “I would remember.”

Dr. Koskiewicz studies her, then nods. “Good. Very good. I’d hate to raise a child in a house with that hanging about.” He laughs and adds, “I’m not altogether certain the Professor would be all that thrilled with it, either.”

Helen raises an eyebrow before she can catch herself. “Ah, if you have an adult housemate, this room right here also has an en-suite bathroom. Not as grand as the master suite, of course, but certainly private and well-appointed.”

“The Professor is our cat,” Mr. Koskiewicz says with a smile. “I doubt he needs a whole room to himself, but we do appreciate your point. Perhaps a room for an oldest child.”

“Perhaps,” Dr. Koskiewicz agrees, the corners of his eyes crinkling upwards. “Someday.”

Unbelievably, there’s still a chance Helen can make this sale. She still isn’t sure she wants to, but there’s a chance. She slips back into the familiar patter, rattling off the specs and amenities of the house and neighborhood. Now that they’ve dealt with the ridiculous question about an unexpected yellow door, it’s a lot easier.

She winds down the spiel as they head down the steps. Dr. Koskiewicz asks several questions, more normal ones than asking about the supernatural or the paranormal, and from the sorts of things he asks, she thinks she gleans a bit more information about the pair of them. Certainly enough to tailor her closing speech properly, anyway. It’s something she prides herself on. She tends to get the bigger commissions from her employers because she can sell houses most people have given up on, at a higher price than the seller is asking, by targeting specific things about the potential buyers—either something they’ve shown interest in regarding the house, or something they’ve let slip about themselves that she can exploit. Admittedly, she’s prone to occasionally exaggerating a teeny bit, and sometimes downplaying things she can be sure won’t show up as a hit on a pre-sale inspection, but nobody’s ever come back to complain about it. As long as the company does well out of it, nobody really cares.

She delivers the closing remarks, highlighting those things she thinks they’ll be drawn to, and talks up the amenities. She decides not to mention her concerns about how well-received they would be in the neighborhood, since neither of them looks like they belong; if they buy the house and find out their neighbors are going to make their lives miserable, well, that’s not really on her, and maybe she’ll get the listing if they decide to resell. Not that she’s necessarily hoping for that, but hey, a commission is a commission.

“Contact me if you decide you want to buy,” she finally says, handing Dr. Koskiewicz her card. He studies it for a moment, then pulls out a leather wallet and tucks the card inside. “I understand you’ll need to think this over, but if you’re interested, you may want to hurry. There was a couple in this morning willing to put in an offer.”

It’s a lie, of course; these two are the most intent viewers she’s shown the house to yet, and nobody’s made an offer. The house also hasn’t been on the market very long. But she’s learned that dangling that bit of bait often gets people to put in a higher offer. The owners want two and a quarter million, but she wonders if she can get these two to go to two and a half or maybe even more. She might even be able to get them up to three, which of course means a bonus for her.

“I can assure you that you’ll be the first to know, once we’ve talked it over,” Dr. Koskiewicz says. He holds out his hand. “Thank you very much, Ms. Richardson.”

“Of course.” Helen gives him her most professional smile and accepts his hand, trying not to wince at the feel of the scar tissue against her palm. She means to give it another quick shake and move on, but he tightens his grip slightly, holding her still, and stares at her intensely. It’s extremely uncomfortable.

“Please be careful,” he says quietly. “And if you do run into…anything unusual…I urge you to come to the Institute. You’ve been so kind to us. It’s the least we can do.”

Helen has no idea what he means, or what she should be worried about. And she doesn’t feel like she’s been especially kind, unless the other real estate agents they’ve dealt with have been more openly hostile about their foreignness and their homosexuality and his scars and his husband’s disability. But she’s not stupid enough to say that out loud.

“I assure you,” she says, fighting to keep her smile in place. “If anything unusual happens, you will be the first to know.”

“Thank you.” Dr. Koskiewicz releases her hand, but he keeps staring at her intently.

Mr. Koskiewicz holds out his hand uncertainly in her direction. “Thank you for being so helpful and direct. It’s refreshing to not feel…misled.”

Helen accepts his hand uncertainly, but honestly, after the doctor’s, it’s a relief—soft and fleshy to be sure, but he doesn’t grip overly hard, and it’s not as dry or, well, corrupted. Still, she’s a little unnerved by his statement, or more accurately by the way he says it, like it’s some sort of joke she doesn’t get. “Certainly. I wouldn’t be very good at my job if I wasn’t.” She takes a half-step back and manages another smile. “Have a nice evening.”

“You as well.” Dr. Koskiewicz takes Mr. Koskiewicz’ arm and leads him to the door.

Helen, as is her habit, walks them to the door and watches them head down the path. Then, unable to stand it, she quickly hurries after them and peeps through a gap in the privacy fence sheltering the front garden. She doesn’t know much about cars and isn’t sure what she’s expecting, but the battered, ancient Ford Escort isn’t it.

She stares, utterly gobsmacked, as Dr. Koskiewicz opens the door for Mr. Koskiewicz, then goes around to get in the driver’s seat. The engine coughs and chokes for a moment before it catches and the car pulls away. It somehow doesn’t fit with the image she cultivated of the two of them. Either they have less money than she thought, or they have as much money as they do because they don’t spend a lot of money on new vehicles.

Either way, she thinks, glancing at her watch, her appointments are over for the day. She’s free until eight o’clock tomorrow morning and can go get something to eat, and she decides then and there that she is going to have a martini. Maybe two.

She rather thinks she’s earned them. Even if she doesn’t make a commission off of this one.

#ollie writes fanfic #leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall)#the magnus archives #tma #jonmartin #homophobia cw #racism cw #xenophobia cw #ableism cw #classism cw #general bigotry cw #(all more implied than anything but still)#I'm sorry but I've never thought OG Helen was all that nice

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perriewinklenerdie · 4 years

Text

Back to the sun (Ethan Ramsey x MC)

Open Heart, Ethan Ramsey x MC

Author’s note: Hello, hello, hello! How are you guys? I hope everyone is doing okay. In this terrifying and stressful time it's important to take care of yourself and your loved ones, stay safe <3

I’ve been spaming my blog with La Casa de Papel, because I’ve addicted myself to it and I have no shame. If you haven’t watched it and you have the chance to do so, I strongly recommend it, Sergio and Raquel is my newest OTP and I will fight for them.

This fic is long. Like, *long*. Not the longest one I've written but it's up there. It uses the information from OH2, takes place most likely before chapter 6.

AO3 link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23546905

Tag list: @paleweasels, @hopelessromantic1352, @kittykatchoices, @valiantlychaoticbarbarian , @radlovedreamer , @usuallyamazinglyaverage, @strawberrwess @palestazure, @cordoniaqueensworld, @universallypizzataco, @princess-geek, @faithhasnowords, @mightyfangirlofthefandoms, @drakewalkerfantasy, @timmagicktoad, @laceandlula, @greywitchyshots, @llamasgrl, @gingerjane15, @bucket-harrington , @marywrites-things , @ethanplaysfavorites , @mfackenthal , @betelgeusebee , @simsvetements, @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction, @buzz-bee-buzz, @owleyes374, @cora-nova, @aworldoffandoms, @l822, @cream-ray, @ughhhxjazzy, @silverlitskies, @justendlesssummerfeels, @togetherwearerapture, @desmaranj, @edgiestwinter, @friedherringclodthing, @daisy-ashton, @waytooattuned, @choicesgremlin , @lapisreviewsstuff, @the-soot-sprite, @writerapprentice, @chasingrobbie, @choicesobsessedd, @x-kyne-x, @thisperfectmemory, @drakewalker04, @rookie-ramsey, @jlynn12273, @thepinknymph @dr-brianna-casey-valentine, @a-i-n-a-a-s-h Enjoy! <3

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„We have to stop getting ourselves into situations like these.” He muttered under his breath, gripping the handle of his suitcase so hard, he was scared it would break. He used it as an anchor, trying not to drown in the ocean of his confused emotions and feelings. She bit back a laugh, choosing instead to smirk at his remark.

“Yes, please, remind me to say ‘no’ next time you give me an assignment. I’m sure you would be over the moon.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm, feeling distant and much too cold for his liking. It’s been that way for a few weeks now, the utter and complete ‘control’ she had over herself whether they were in close proximity. A month ago, she might have been a bit more friendly, but those times were long gone, leaving only the stiff sense of professionalism that he so desperately wanted to maintain with her.

They wouldn’t be in that impasse if he hadn’t been such an idiot and just talked to her. Instead, he chose to ignore her completely. The hospital was in trouble, the team was in trouble, and deep down he knew that. He knew that she might have had a point, going against him and contacting that patient when he oh so clearly told her not to.

But she did, and now the Board sensed profit. Who could blame them, they had to figure out a way to keep the hospital afloat; it made perfect sense to use her idea, and no amount of his protests would change the fact that in their situation, with a knife against their throat, they had no other choice.

Deafening silence dropped between them, increasing the discomfort they both felt when interacting with each other tenfold. Without even a second of hesitation, she walked past him and went to the security line. He followed, feeling even worse about the whole trip than he did when he left his apartment this morning.

Because apparently, the team was now being rented out to the patient’s home like some device, they were called to the patient all the way on the island in the Philippines. They couldn’t just leave their patients, so it was decided that half of the team would go, while the other half stays behind. It was Ethan’s luck that June had her dentist appointment that week and Baz had to attend a class, which left Claire and Ethan at the airport, about to board the plane.

And still, not another word was being said. If he had a wand, he would have gone back in time and smacked himself in the back of his head. Told his past self that being stubborn when it came to situations like those had never been a good idea, especially when the only woman on his mind was involved in the situation. Pushed him towards her so they could talk, so they could avoid being stuck between hatred and emptiness.

His every try at sparking up a conversation with her that had nothing to do with their work was immediately shut down. He couldn’t even count how many times he wondered if this was what she felt like every time he pushed her away. Feeling like an idiot was bad enough, but now he also felt like an asshole, and it just added to the emptiness that roared in his chest every time he looked at her and she turned away from him.

Once they were stuck in a plane in adjacent seats, he figured there would be nowhere for them to run, so, logically, they would have to talk eventually. Oh, how wrong he was. Books, music, sleep, something called Netflix that was confusing to him but from what he gathered, it allowed her to watch movies and shows. She did it all, just so that she wouldn’t have to talk to him. Turning towards the window so she wouldn’t even have to look at him.

What a long week that would be.

-----------

He could only hope that no one heard the door to his office slam behind him. He didn’t even reach his desk when they opened again, then slammed shut once more. Steps followed, then a chair got pulled back in haste and suddenly they were seeing eye to eye.

“Can you talk to me? Or are you going to be throwing that hissy fit of yours for the rest of my residency?” she asked, as calmly as she possibly could, given the circumstance. He scoffed, leaning back in his seat with folded arms.

“I don’t see the need to talk to you. Just like you didn’t see the need to talk to me before you went behind my back and compromised the team’s ideals.”

“I did talk to you, but you were too busy caring about morals that aren’t even yours, Ethan. I get that Naveen wanted the team to work differently, trust me, I do. But times changed, situation has changed along with it, and we can’t afford to be guided just by those aspirations, no matter how noble they are. If we can’t keep the hospital alive, we can’t help anyone. Don’t you see that?” she explained slowly, refusing to let the emotions get the best of her. The last thing she needed was an argument with him, another one for the books.

“It’s not okay to throw away the sole purpose for the team’s existence because you couldn’t stop and wait for us to come up with other solution. It’s not okay to decide for yourself how the team works. You may be there because you are a brilliant young doctor, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever the hell you want.” he was getting even more winded, his knee going up and back down as he struggled to not slam his hand on the desk. It was enough that he already raised his voice at her, but it would only be a matter of time before he says something he regrets.

“You’re a goddamn hypocrite! How is it that I’m an idiot when I came up with the solution for the team to stay alive, but when you threw away Naveen’s vision because you needed Nash’s help, it’s suddenly okay?” her tone rose slightly, her whole body shaking from anger and anxiety. What he was doing was wrong, and she was having none of it.

“I didn’t have a choice. You did, and you fell right into the trap that this circumstance set up for naïve weak links like you.”

In that moment, the world has stopped for a fraction for a second. He could see the exact moment in which she broke, like a twig on the ground in the forest when it’s stepped on. A loud crack in the otherwise silent and calm environment.

A lone tear shone in her eye before rolling down her cheek slowly, a mere whisper against her skin. The blow took her breath away, made her recoil, as though she had been shot. And maybe she was. Her chest hurt, like someone grabbed her lungs and squeezed, making it impossible to breathe. Barely holding onto the last sliver of her strength, she nodded, a barely visible move, then stood up and left the room, letting the door fall shut with a gently click behind her.

-----------

He regretted those words more than anything else in his life. Only once she placed the very strict and very stern barrier between them did he come to terms with the fact that he needed her. He wanted her. It felt different than when he was in the Amazon, and despite now seeing her every day, it felt like the distance was all the same again. When he left her for two months, he felt in control. It was his own decision, he was in charge of the situation, at least to some degree. Now, it was her. She built walls between them and set an entire ocean of space between those layers, just to make sure that he would never get through them.

It took him some time to realize that she was protecting herself from another blow from him. He hurt her enough times for her to have enough. When he finally connected the dots and came to the realization of what exactly he said to her, she was already out of reach from him. They were now stuck like this, for indefinite time, and he had no idea if there was a way out of this for either of them.

Long hours later, when the plane touched down, he felt some weight being lifted off his chest. They spoke a total of two times during the whole flight, both times about their patient, and both times it was a stiff and empty conversation.

You should be happy, Ramsey. Just like you wanted.

The hot, humid air hit him as soon as he took a step outside the plane, and he immediately regretted his choice of clothing. It crossed his mind to lose the sweater, but he found his thoughts freezing and then instantly flying out the window when he turned towards Claire, just in time to see her taking her shirt off. He choked on air, being acutely aware of how the tank top she had underneath hugged her body. When she folded the shirt and hid it in her bag, she ran her fingers through her hair to tame it a bit, and it was at that moment that she chose to look at him. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why he was staring, and that alone earned him a scoff from her.

“What are you looking at, Dr. Ramsey?” she asked, putting her sunglasses on and walking past him, not bothering to check if he was following her.

Yes, a long week ahead of them indeed.

--------

The road from the airport to the marina went without a hitch. Ethan was surprised to find out that she actually knew a bit of Filipino, so she could talk to their driver, even though most of their conversation was spoken in English.

It always fascinated him, how much he still didn’t know about her. There were so many layers to who she was, and even if he spent the rest of his life uncovering them, he wouldn’t discover everything. She was so open to people, so warm and welcoming, drawing them to her with just the way her smile warmed up the room she was in. It’s one of the things that made him fall for her, so hard and fast that he didn’t even feel when or how it happened.

He observed her as they got onto the boat. How her hair shined under the sun, how she gesticulated vividly while speaking to their Capitan, laughing at something he muttered in the language Ethan didn’t understand. He remained silent, focusing on the lines on his hands, the turmoil in his head getting louder. A shadow passed his skin and the bench he was sitting on suddenly bent under additional weight as she sat down next to him.

“Do we know anything about the patient? Who are they even?” she asked softly, gazing over her shoulders, locking her eyes on the rays of sunshine that sparkled on the surface of the water. Ethan’s line of sight, however, found its place on the side of her face, where it remained until she looked back at him.

It was a rare moment for him, when she allowed him to look into her eyes. The underlying pain, the sadness so powerful that it felt like a kick to his chest, and unspoken question of Is that really what you think of me? that he could almost hear her ask, breathlessly, barely above a whisper.

“His name is Andres Blanco, he’s 47. Used to live in Spain, then decided to move here with his wife. I don’t have any information about his condition though, so that remains to be seen.” He recited, knowing all the details by heart by now. He’s read the file he was given by Naveen more times than he could count, just so that he could distract himself from thinking of yet another way he could get Claire to talk to him.

“I can see why he moved. It’s such a peaceful place.” She mused, leaning over the side of the boat to dip her hand into the water. Her hair flew forward covering her face almost entirely, the tips getting darker as they got wet.

“Do you see yourself living here?” he remembered her asking him a very similar question when they were on a home visit a few weeks back. His answer didn’t change, but he never found out her opinion.

“I almost moved here. Five years ago.” Her reply was met with wide eyes, which in turn made her grin. “I decided to stay in The States, go for my medical degree.”

“I think you would fit in here nicely. It has just enough quietness to balance out the craziness of life.” he pointed out and for the first time in weeks, he saw her smiling. Dimples created a stark contrast with her otherwise sunlit skin, making his gaze stray from her eyes for just a moment.

An island came into the view, causing silence to once again fall between them. It felt different though, a tone lighter, made it easier to breathe. It gave him a glimmer of hope, maybe they were not doomed after all. She did leave his side in haste, but the coldness on her face wasn’t as biting as it once was.

A young woman was waiting for them on the shore, smiling brightly as she waited for them to approach her. The very second Claire was in her proximity, her arms went around her neck in an overly enthusiastic hug, but it seemed as though Claire was expecting it, for she reciprocated the gesture in kind.

“It’s so good to finally have you here! Mr. Blanco was awaiting your arrival. Please, come this way.” She nodded her head slightly, then led them inside the house. Ethan hurried after the two of them, touching Claire’s elbow gently to get her attention. To his surprise, she didn’t jerk away from him.

“Are all people so…”

“Happy?” she suggested, grinning at his evident discomfort, watching how his eyes narrowed at her, making her grin even wider. “Most people here are. I’d say you’re going to get used to it, but I know you long enough to know that it’s not true.”

“So, what do you propose I do?” he ran his fingers through his hair, breathing out heavily. She patted his shoulder briefly in return.

“Deal with it.”

He still wasn’t used to her being so detached from him, so indifferent to everything he was doing. Of course, he had no way of knowing if she was truly over him, or if she was only pretending, but in that moment, he could only go on what was in front of him. And all he saw was her indifferent demeanor, with rare moments in which he could see glimpses of how she really felt.

The inside of the house provided much needed shade and protection from the sun, along with the pleasant sensation of coolness. In the grand living room, he spotted a pair, fully focused on the game of chess between them. A man looked up when he heard them walk in and smiled widely.

“Ah! Doctors, I assume? Please, come on in, have a seat. Would you like some iced coffee? Are you hungry?” he stood up slowly and approached them, greeting Claire first, then Ethan. “Paula, if you would be so kind to-“

“Please, Mr. Blanco, it’s quite alright. All that can wait, we’d much rather get started if that’s okay with you.” Ethan interrupted, aware of how rude it might sound. A warm touch on his arm stopped him from saying anything else.

“What Dr. Ramsey meant is that we would love to, but it all can be done in the meantime. If you could clue us into your symptoms? Where did they start?” Claire smiled, speaking softly and quietly, handling the situation far better than he did. He was grateful that she did get his point across without sounding stiff, and the fact that Andres immediately nodded and complied with her wish only made him appreciate her more.

They found out that his wife’s name was Carla and that it was her who reached out to them. His symptoms didn’t point towards anything specific, exactly how they expected it to be. After taking samples to run some tests, they decided to retreat to their rooms for the afternoon, giving their patient some space.

“So, what do you think is wrong with him?” he asked when they were alone in the hallway, hoping not so silently that she would actually talk to him. She leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath, drilling holes into the floor with her gaze.

“I don’t know. Let’s wait for the test results and then we’ll pick up this conversation.”

And with that, she disappeared behind the door to her room. A sinking feeling in his stomach got worse every time she did that, but he couldn’t really blame her. Ever since the argument in his office, their relationship was practically nonexistent, and he had no one else but himself to blame. She refused to let him talk, and he refused to run after her like a kicked puppy. Both too stubborn to resolve the situation.

--------

The evening air brought a gentle breeze from the ocean, making trees around the house whisper softly as their leaves moved. They were seated on the patio, lit by candles and lit torches that lined the way to the beach. Food was already gone from the table, only glasses of wine left. Claire fell into an easy routine, insisting that Paula joined them, noticing how Carla called her ‘Paulita’ with a voice full of fondness. The three women found the common ground almost immediately, getting lost deeper and deeper in their exchange. Meanwhile, Ethan and Andres watched them, the latter with a smile on his face, and the former with an unreadable expression.

The last rays of sunshine left the sky, prompting them to finish their gathering and head to beds. Claire excused herself, heading for the beach without looking back. It took only a fraction of a second for Ethan to decide to follow her, his feet carrying him after her, his lips curling around her name.

She couldn’t say she expected him to follow her. Truth be told, her initial intention was to get away from him so she could get some perspective on the situation, but that thought flew out of her head almost as quickly as it entered it. She’s had plenty of time to go over their last real conversation, over and over again, in great detail. She could quote it, line for line, complete with his tone and facial expressions.

Up until now, she didn’t want to face him. But now, she was ready to finish it.

They both came to a slow stop right at the edge of the water, the waves brushing against the tips of their feet slightly. She was looking ahead at the horizon. He was looking at her, unable to remember what words even were or what language could he speak. In the soft light of the moon, she looked even more radiant than in the full sun, the slightly tanned skin of hers creating a contrast in the white light during the night.

“I’ve been here before. Philippines, I mean. During high school, an exchange program. A very different time, a very different Claire, but the water feels the same. The stars look the same.” She mused, drawing a shape with the tip of her toe, watching as the waves dissolved it. “What an easy time that was.”

“Claire… I… “ he stuttered, unable to even form a coherent sentence. He could feel his breathing get elevated and his emotions flying high. Like never before, he wanted to say the right thing, he wanted that goddamn impasse to be over, but he was aware of how badly he screwed up. A simple ‘sorry’ just wasn’t enough, not this time.

“Look, I don’t want you apologizing to me. For the past month I was brewing in this state of self-loathing because with each day that passed, I realized that you may be right. That being said, I’m not sorry about my decision, and I’m not going to apologize for what I did. I’m hotheaded, I act before I think and it’s going to get me in trouble more times than save my ass, but it’s just who I am. I can’t exactly change that.” She shrugged, then looked up at him. His eyes were staring straight through her, morphing from nothingness, to a sliver of panic, to understanding.

She continued after a moment, letting out a breathless laughter, like she was relieved. “The moment I realized that, I understood what I wanted. What I needed.” Her hand went up, about to touch him, and then fell back against her side. “I need you to hold me so tight that I lose the sense of time or let me go. Keep me close or let me walk away. I’m tired of not knowing what ground I’m standing on, always feeling like I’m about to be swallowed whole. I need stability, Ethan. I need security, one way or another.”

The silence was something both of them were used to, allowing her words to ring between them before setting in properly. He was stunned, his throat closed, and he couldn’t speak if her tried. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, and yet, when he opened his mouth, no sound would come out. She understood that, knowing the feeling all too well, so she bid him goodnight, leaving him with a lasting image of her fleeting smile in the moonlight.

-------

The next morning, she greeted him at breakfast with an easy smile. There was no trace of tension in her posture, not even a hint of uncomfortableness whatsoever. Calling out to ‘Paulita’, she jumped in to help her with setting the table, leaving him to his thoughts.

She seemed okay. Definitely better than she was the night before. Miles above the pit she seemed to be treading above for several weeks. He was happy for her; how could he not be? It was his words that hurt her, it was him that made her cry, the sight of it burned into his memory.

Their conversation from the night before hadn’t left his mind for even a second. She made him face the hard truth. His anger may have been directed at her, but the real issue was the feeling of helplessness in the situation they were facing. As much as he would want to lie and say that the way she handled the problem was the source of his sour mood, he had to admit that her going behind his back hurt him more. His morals didn’t match the reality, amplifying his temper and blowing everything out of proportion.

She wasn’t a weak link. Of course she wasn’t, she was one of the strongest, and he knew it damn well. But at that point, it didn’t matter what he knew and didn’t know, because all she knew was that he considered her a liability.

His line of thought was interrupted by everyone gathering for breakfast, making him point his attention to the problem of Andres’s condition. Ethan’s eyes strayed from his plate to Claire only once, noticing how the air around them seemed lighter. He felt like he could breathe again, and chances were that it would only get better from that point on.

----------

It must have been four in the morning, but it didn’t really matter. They all stayed up until ten pm to solve the case, and it paid off. Celebratory champagne was opened, and music began flowing in the air, furniture got pushed to the sides of the room to make space for dancing. Ethan remained seated, watching how everyone around him threw all the reservations aside and just relaxed. He was never much of a dancer, not that he couldn’t, he just didn’t feel the need to.

Someone stood before him, casting a shadow upon him, prompting him to look up. Claire’s eyes sparkled with happiness, champagne and so much life in them, making him want to jump up and scream at the top of his lungs. She extended her hand towards him, wiggling her fingers invitingly.

“Come on, dance with me.” she said, pulling him up with surprising strength when he placed his palm in hers. He stumbled, catching himself onto her for support, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

It might have been alcohol that made him twirl her with such enthusiasm. It might have been the fever from the high temperature that made him dip her onto the floor, only to pull her back into his arms and back out again. It might have been the music she sang along to, the utter happiness on her face that made him smile too.

As fast as she pulled him onto the dancefloor, she was gone, giggling when Paula twirled around her, jumping to the beat of the song. He sat back down, taking a sip of his drink, watching the world around him go by.

It was now hours later, the sun was beginning to rise again. He should be sleeping, but the turmoil in his mind makes it impossible to even close his eyes.

There used to be a time when he would wake up early to watch the sunrise. Much like it was now, the tranquility of the world at such a young hour of the day filling him to the brim. No one else was around, he was alone with himself. It felt comforting and empty at the same time, the contradicting feelings causing waves to roll through his head.

But he wasn’t the only person up as it turned out. In a long, white dress, flowing in the breeze, stood Claire. Her feet in the water, the edges of the material wet from the contact with the liquid. She seemed lost in thoughts, swaying from side to side gently to some tune.

His feet carried him to her side, standing next to her wordlessly. They watched the sun go up, changing the sky, creating lines and shadows on their faces. In that moment, he was ready to swear that he’s never seen a more beautiful scenery before in his entire life.

The ocean was warm against his skin, his toes sinking into the wet sand slightly, providing just enough stability to help him ground himself in the situation. No words were needed, at least not now. For once, the silence was comforting, not filled with rage, loathing and regrets, but instead with comfort and security.

Suddenly, she took a step forward, then another, getting deeper into the water, her dress clinging to her body more and more. She stopped when half of her body was gone from his view, her head falling back slowly, shoulders moving up and down as she took a deep breath. He followed her, reaching for her hand with his, their fingers brushing against each other.

Eventually, she turned her head to look at him, her face blank of any emotions. His other hand brushed against her cheek, a look of wonder taking over his features.

“I’m an idiot.” He muttered, still focused on her eyes. An amused smirk appeared on her lips.

“You are. And you are welcome for the honesty too.” She added, making him laugh breathlessly.

“I mean it, really. I’ve been carrying this guilt and anger with me for such a long time, and I realized that it’s not you I’m angry at. It’s not your actions that made me say all those reckless words. It was my own cowardice.” Ethan admitted, anxious about her reaction. Her eyebrow shot up, an even combination of pensiveness and curiosity now present on her face.

“What cowardice?”

“I wasn’t brave enough to do what the team needed me to do. What you did. I wasn’t brave enough to admit that you were right. I wanted to hurt you, push you away, as far as I could, so I wouldn’t have to look at you every day and be reminded of the biggest act of cowardice I’ve ever committed.”

This was the moment in which he cuts himself open and lets her see him for who he really was. He suspected that she already knew it all, after all, she knew him better than anyone else. At times, it felt as though she could see right through him.

“I wasn’t brave enough to admit that I never wanted to let you go. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want space, I don’t want time.” He stepped closer to her, moving his hand to the small of her back, pulling her just a bit closer to him. “I want to get lost in you, hold you so tight that the rest of the world disappears. It usually does, when I’m with you. I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole, you have every right not to believe a word I say but… I want you close”

She looked up at him without saying anything, prolonging his torture even more. They both knew it. And then, something in her face changed. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him downwards, making them both fall into the water. Her laughter rang in his ears, then got quickly cut off as she dove beneath the surface and swam away from him.

He chased after her, getting them both closer to the shore so they both could reach the ground with their feet. Claire wrapped her arms around him tightly, bringing their faces together. Right before their lips met, she managed to whisper.

“Don’t let me go.”

The kiss was like a breath of fresh air, filling him up and reaching every far end of his whole being. The intensity hit them both, making them stumble and fall to the ground, her hands gripping his hair as she laid on top of him. The waves crashed against them, soaking them to the last thread, but neither seemed to notice nor mind. He hummed quietly, letting himself get swept by the force of her influence on him, his grip on her sides tightening slightly.

Flipping them over, he wrapped one arm around her to keep her close, bracing himself above the ground with the other. She broke the kiss and leaned away, watching him with attentive gaze. His hair was dripping, droplets falling onto his skin and lips. Feeling playful, she dove forward and licked the water away, then bit his lower lip and pulled on it, eliciting a growl from him.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would think that you’re trying to seduce me.” he muttered into her ear, grazing the side of her neck with his nose. A shiver ran down her spine as she shook her head.

“Wherever would you get that idea. I was watching the sunrise, it was you who attacked me.” giggling, she detangled herself from his grip. A rush of panic rose in his chest, wondering if he read the situation incorrectly. She stood over him, hands on her hips, looking at the horizon again. “So… are you going to continue or…?”

The look on his face must have been a work of art. All the insecurity evaporated, and he couldn’t stand up fast enough. Once she was close enough for him to embrace her, he gathered her in his arms and threw her over his shoulder, a surprised gasp escaping her lips.

“You think we can make it back to the house without flooding the floor?” he asked, laughter coloring his voice. She drummed her palms against his back, pondering upon his question for a short while.

“Only one way to find out.”

#ethan ramsey #open heart #ethan x mc #mc x ethan #choices fanfiction #fic #fanfiction #open heart fanfiction #dr. ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #mc x ethan ramsey

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of-another-broken-heart · 3 years

Text

Having a really weird day.

It’s a weird one!

I’m all over the place.

Or it feels like it.

Mostly I’m just. Ricocheting around this one expansive building in my dumb sprawling brain labyrinth - the one about healthcare.

Trying to hunt down a new PCP.

Trying to find out HOW to hunt down a new PCP without wasting tons of time. I need one that isn’t going to do like my last team did. I need people who won’t fall for the siren lure of ingrained socially-supported medical fatphobia at the expense of the Hippocratic Oath. I need a healthcare team that actually provides care. I need queer acceptance. I need my concerns to be taken with seriousness and respect - and I need a doctor who won’t just handwave everything away because it’s quicker and easier to chalk it up to some other part of my very messy medical situation. I need a professional who will do their due diligence, and run the diagnostics, and make decisions based on results and data - not their personal mythical psychic assumption senses. I need to know these things BEFORE wasting time and effort and energy and money on an appointment. And nearly none of this is available information. Doctors are under no social pressure or obligation to make this sort of information publicly available. And “customer reviews” are rare and unreliable. The greatest failures result in death, and those people can’t very well complain, can they? The next greatest failures result in defeat and exhaustion - and those aren’t conditions conducive to leaving reviews, either. Survival, first and foremost. I’m a perfect example of that. Could I try to leave reviews about my last doctor in every corner I can find online that will grant me the space? Yes, I could. Am I going to? No. I don’t have the time or energy.

Stressing about a dentist. Not thinking about the dentist. So much fucking trauma oh my god just don’t think about it. But these broken teeth though. I need a dentist. How bad will it all actually be? It’ll be bad. It’ll be worse than I’m prepared to handle. Just like last time. I’d love to be able to smile again. I’d love to have reasons to smile, first, of course. But it’d be nice not to be greeted by chipped holes and visible dark grey fillings that look and feel worse than the “cavities” they supposedly replaced. It would also be nice if my jaw wasn’t lopsided. If my teeth lined up, instead of my bottom jaw being ~4mm off center. It didn’t used to be that bad. It was always a little off - the way some of my bottom teeth grew in as a kid. Was never severe enough to merit braces. Or maybe we just couldn’t afford braces. But then after some cavities and breaking teeth and botched cavity fillings that completely changed the topography of my bite... my jaw has gradually resettled, and it has done so. To the left. But mostly I need my wisdom teeth. Fixed. Removed. I don’t know if they can be salvaged. I thought I was okay with losing them all, but the more I’ve thought about it, and thought about how my jaw has already shifted, the more scared I am that fully removing them will make it all worse. I have the space for them. If they’re removed, I’m just going to have... weird empty space?? And no teeth there for when I’m chewing?? Teeth are so stupid. I hate them. I need them.

Mental health. Hahahaha. But for real. A psych who won’t just try to shove prozac on me. One who will give me the time of day to go through diagnosis criteria for things beyond the Big D. Sure my depression is bad, and it’s at the front of my miserable mental marching band, but my anxiety has got to the point where I’ve got painful physical symptoms, and my un-diagnosed/untreated adhd sure isn’t making any of that easier. Maybe I could finally get a lucky break with medication/treatment for one of those, and actually get some relief. Especially with the anxiety and adhd. I feel like there might be less total drugs available? So less total experimentation possible?? Maybe just wishful thinking... And... therapy? Actual therapy??? Maybe??? I’m jaded as cynical as fuck and I know a lot of methods of therapy won’t work for me BECAUSE of how my particular pudding cup of brain fuck is mis-wired - but I’d love help. I want and need help. But it has to actually BE help. “Sometimes just talking it out helps” NOPE. N-O-P-E. I’m long past that point, honey darling dear!! I need actionable help! Techniques, challenges, tools - not just a sympathetic ear. Believe it or not, I’ve got that covered! Me, myself, and I - oh, we talk. We talk PLENTY. Relentlessly, endlessly, brutally - it’s covered.

I learned what city he lives in. I looked it up. I could be there in 14 hours. It would take about $130 in gas, though. One-way. It’s just slightly further than Manning - the place I used to stop overnight on my FL trips. It’s 120 miles further west. That’s it. A handful of hours between the two places. It’s a fairly small city. Low cost of living. Low minimum wage, as a result - matches federal. It’s right against the state border. Hell, it might technically span into the adjoining state. It has a surprising amount of golf course land. Population is not majority-white. I don’t want to overdo this. But I can’t help how badly I want to know things when I’m interested. When I care. My heart hurts. I hate that I’m like this.

I wanted to sleep more. I’ve been up for about 4 hours. Before that, I slept for maybe 3? And before that I was up for... 5? And before that, I was in bed most of yesterday, but it was just wishing I was sleeping for hours and hours and hours, and only actually being asleep for about 2.

I ate leftovers for dinner, instead of what was made. I had reheated pasta with meat sauce and veggies, instead of a plain breaded chicken patty and More Fucking Potatoes (pierogies). I think my brother ate what I didn’t. Which is fine. No leftovers to juggle. No food wasted. I ate some of sister’s culinary leftovers for breakfast. Some risotto. Not sure exactly what kind. Apparently it came home with shrimp - mom ate those. I don’t know if I’ve had risotto before. It was good, but I took too much and it was tasting extra salty before I tapped out. I made a cup of coffee again, too. I’m beginning to see the caffeine/adhd stability correlation in myself. Don’t know how to feel about that.

I need to double-drive again today. Pick sister up. Drop sister off. I wanted to try to shop a bit yesterday, but I was way too tired. I was also supposed to have a friend help me tackle some of the doctor-hunting yesterday, too. But... too tired.

It’s 10 AM. I’ve got 2.5 hours until I need to drive. I’m restless. I’m tired. I probably can’t sleep but I’m going to try I guess. Or just sit here stalling out for 150 straight minutes until I have to go. idk.

#personal

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asheasexualvampire · 3 years

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The Weekly Dustdate: Anxiety Edition

So, this last week has been weird. It started out really well, and then ended with me feeling like my friends decided I was too much trouble. Which, when you’ve lived this long and there’s no end in actual sight, that is really depressing. The beginning of the week I did the adulting, I made some appointments for the dentist and the doctor. I hate making phone calls, but needs must I suppose. Had to arrange the car rides to get there, because I can’t afford a car. Luckily my insurance covers transportation, which is epic and useful. Wednesday, Ricardo got his covid vaccination, which knocked him on his arse. Which is apparently normal. But he wasn’t feeling it, so we didn’t do the whole Wednesday gathering of people. Which was cool, I feel that. Then Thursday we got together at Rosslynd and Mak’s apartment. It was fine until about midnight, when they wanted to play a game, but we only really had 30 minutes, and with having six people, and there was setup, and then explaining the rules, I didn’t see how we could finish a game in 30 minutes. So I was happy to just peace out, but then everyone started getting upset at me because I kept pointing out that 30 minutes wasn’t enough time to finish a game. Which is fine, but then they started yelling at me, and I asked them to please stop, as yelling is one of my big anxiety triggers, and one of the newer people to our group, Kallia, was like “I have anxiety about yelling too, and I’m not being bothered” which felt very belittling, but I didn’t say anything because I was already treading a line of just walking out. So I finally picked a game, after Mak said she could drive those of us who weren’t staying over night home at 1am, and we played King of Tokyo, which was the game I chose, because I know this game. Its easy to play, and I figured we could finish it in an hour, even with six people.

Then, Friday comes around and Rosslynd messages our group discord and says that we’re gonna start having tabletop rpg night again, so they’re paring down the group, and I was excited, because I started attending the Thursday gathering because it was rpg night. But then I was told that I wasn’t being included, which felt suspiciously personal, after what happened Thursday. I did ask Ricardo if the group was mad at me, and explained how I had felt (leaving out Kallia’s belittling, because I don’t like to be confrontational.) and that I didn’t mean to be a problem. I’ve yet to garner a response. The part of my brain that is rational says its not aimed at me, as Gadriel, and Mak also have issues with there being SO MANY people on Thursdays, Gadriel has stopped coming, along with his girlfriend Emmaline, and Mak has taken to staying in the bedroom. But the part of me that has issues with anxiety, abandonment and emotional abuse says they’re doing this as an excuse to exclude me in particular. I’m naturally a pessimist and am not the “think happy thoughts!” sort, but I am trying to not take this personally. I have discussed it with a couple of online friends and they have reassured me that it’s likely got nothing to do with me, but they also agree that excluding me from rpg night is rude, since I was initially invited by Ricardo to attend because it was rpg night. And at the same time suddenly we started having all these people, and so it wasn’t feasible to do rpg night with ten people in the game. But they’re bringing it back and now I am not included. It feels bad. It feels personal too me, and so I haven’t looked at any of the group chats, I’m taking a step back for a bit, and giving it some space. I don’t want to be the reason, but also I don’t like feeling like I’m being personally pushed out. Also I’m still really upset with Kallia’s snarky response when I asked them to stop yelling at me. It was uncalled for. So that’s the things going on, and hopefully things get better this week. All the parts to my computer have arrived, so I’m just waiting on Roberto to come put it all together, as I have no idea how to do so. -Ashe, the Asexual Vampire

#fiction #vampire #vamp #asexual #ace pride #anxiety #abandonment #king of tokyo #boardgames #tabletop gaming #feels bad man

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actuallyyangxiaolong · 4 years

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You’re 20 so I’ll tell you some things to do!! Start using a calendar (can be your phone calendar) and put in everything remotely important, or even like laundry day. Get in the habit of checking it once a day, like every morning or every night. If you’re bad at meals and you tend to skip meals if you don’t feel up to it, figure out a solid “depression meal” like spaghettios or weenies and mac or whatever, and always make sure you have it on hand. 1/

If you can, see the doctor yearly, the dentist every six months, and (if you have a uterus) the gyno every three years starting at 21. These can go in that calendar app, then you can forget about them til then. If you can’t afford regular appointments, take care of your teeth and practice good genital hygiene, and monitor your health so you notice if a problem comes up that needs to be addressed. This goes for mental health too. 2/

Folding clothes sucks, they don’t have to be tidy but they do have to be clean. Don’t rewear dirty clothes and make sure they make it into the hamper to get washed, but if your clean clothes end up on The Chair then who really cares 🤷‍♀️ Listen ti your body, trust your heart, and take care of your brain. I believe in you! Love, your older anonymous follower who saw you’re now 20 and needing to be told what to do 😘 3/

Omg thank you so much for all the adulting advice <3<3<3 ily anon

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taerrorize · 3 years

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Ongoing list of things no one teaches u and u sort of just have to figure out what to do as u become an adultier adult:

How to find a doctor covered by your insurance

When ur supposed to start seeing a gynecologist??? And how to find one?? I’m 24 should I have gone by now idk??

How expensive insurance is

How expensive CAR INSURANCE is fuck that shit

20% down payment on a house is an insane amount for a single person and u will never be able to afford anything just learn this now instead of constantly looking at Zillow every day and crying like I do

I really should see a doctor but I just can’t be bothered to make an appointment or fill out all the paper work that comes w being a new patient

Even if u avoid the regular doctor u should def see a dentist every 6 months and find a good one u like who is relatively young so u can stay w them forever I’ve locked my dentist in she isn’t going anywhere I have fabulous teeth and I’m not risking that for anything

Finding your own hairdresser also sucks and is difficult and also so much more expensive than I thought it would be

Sometimes ur best friend at work ends up being old enough to be ur father but u get a lot of good life advice out of it so it’s chill

Half the money u “make” for ur salary goes to either taxes or insurance or 401k/retirement everything is a scam and I’m broke

I think I’m just really bad at being an adult actually

#personal #this was supposed to be funny but now I’m just sad #anyways if anyone has tips on how to find a gyno hit me up!!!

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dracoangel · 4 years

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This week has been a bit of a downer. All starting with my dentist appointment.

Now, I realize my teeth are not in the best shape they should be. Years of sub-par care because for a while I couldn’t pick up a tooth brush (literally could not hold one) so just used salt water and years of medications have taken their toll. I’ve also had a swollen gum for the last couple weeks, or I should say what I thought was a swollen gum (we’ll get to that). But I was a little blown away by just how much they want to do in my mouth.

I originally made this appointment because 2 weeks back (that’s how long it took to get an appointment, because I called them the morning after it happened) my wisdom tooth broke. Given how it looked (and felt) I was pretty sure it was just going to need pulled, no biggie. I’ve also been dealing with that “swollen” gum for about a week at that point, I had just thought there was something in the gum irritating it and that was the result. I had been doing all I could think of to get it to go down, no luck. So figured the dentist would look at that too.

Now, I want to point out here also, my anxiety is sky-rocketing going to the dentist. Ever since the pandemic began I’ve secluded myself in the house, only leaving for MUSTS - such as doctors. I have an auto-immune disease, asthma and over weight which makes me high risk. So anytime I leave the house that forces me around people my anxiety rises. And here I am, at the dentist, around people and not wearing a mask (my minor shield) when the dentist starts poking around in my mouth. So, right off, the experience is not going well for me.

I get there, X-Rays. The gal who did those was super nice (she told me she was new to the office, which might explain it), and when she saw my gum she thought it was an abscess. Yay *sarcasm*, though the truth of what it was I would have probably preferred an abscess especially when they didn’t explain! (we’re getting to that)

Now, I won’t go into heavy details of all the wrongs of my teeth. But it’s a lot of work, thankfully most of which my insurance will pay for. Except for 2 teeth. 1 is a special snowflake tooth, what that means is that the root is weird. 2 dentists there were a little like WTF when they saw it. A normal tooth in the back typically has the root split in two, not this one. It was one LONG root. So in order to do the root canal they want on it I have to see a specialist for, that one and another (I can’t remember the 2nd one’s problem that they couldn’t work on it). $800 EACH. So $1600 total... for 2 teeth. Like WTF.

Here comes the gum analysis: a possible pyogenic granuloma (Warning link has images). Now where does my brain immediately go when hearing “granuloma”? Cancer. And the dentist is not explaining what that is, I had to wait until I left to finally look it up myself! You remember my high anxiety? I’m pretty sure it spiked some more. And of course, they don’t deal with whatever this is there either. I have to see an oral specialist. Which there are none in the local area that will take my insurance. So I have to do some calling around.

So, they tell me what all is wrong, give me a prescription, take my blood pressure and send me on my way... Without yanking the wisdom tooth. Y’know, the whole reason I went in, in the first place.

Having them lecture me about all the work I need done, how much 2 frickin’ teeth are going to be and see a specialist about the granuloma, my mood hasn’t been the greatest. Especially since I cannot afford $1600 of work, and not knowing if I can find a guy that will take my insurance for the granuloma. I haven’t been making many sales lately, so we’re barely scraping together money for the necessities (ended up having to use my birthday money for that :( so another downer to the mental health gods). Gah, all I wanted (and still want!) is this damn tooth pulled! Was that too much to ask for?!

#personal #doctors #dentist #long-ish post #text post

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nythroughthelens · 5 years

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I didn't know I was blind in one of my eyes until I was 24 years old My first eye exam was courtesy of the New York City public school system. I was 9 years old.

That year a dentist and eye doctor visited the school to give exams to children whose parents couldn't afford such vital health services. Falling squarely into that less than fortunate category, I was able to get my eyes examined for the first time.

The exam was rushed. I remember the eye doctor's crisp white coat and his gruff tone. I was asked to read a chart on a wall with my right eye.

I replied quietly that I couldn't read the letters.

The doctor appeared only slightly bothered, “Not even the top letter?”

I heard myself apologize automatically, “No, sorry sir.”

“Are you sure ?”, he asked sounding slightly perturbed.

I started to question reality, “yes?”

And that was the end of the exam.

I was diagnosed with a lazy eye and prescribed glasses with one comically thick pane of glass on the right side.

I wore glasses like that for years. I also had chronic headaches. At a subsequent visit with another eye doctor in my early teens, headache concerns and failure to read letters on the eye chart with my right eye were interpreted as a need for a stronger prescription.

When I was 18 years old, I moved out on my own and I stopped wearing glasses. I broke the one pair of glasses that I had and since I didn't have money for eye exams I concluded that it didn't matter anyway. My internal reasoning was that if I had a lazy eye, it wanted to be lazy. Why bother it further? Let it be lazy if it wants.

My headaches stopped.

Years passed.

When I was 24 years old, I finally got health insurance from one of my jobs. Feeling residual guilt over not wearing glasses for years, I booked an appointment with an ophthalmologist. The exam involved a lot of questions, lights, and intricate machinery.

At the end of the exam the doctor said: “I am about to ask you a strange question. What ear do you use when you use the phone?”

I answered without hesitation: “Oh! My left ear. That's my good ear.”

She then asked what no other eye doctor had ever asked me.

She asked me what I saw out of my right eye.

I felt seen for the first time.

I had never articulated a response to the question that she asked and I replied: “ I see scattered light only the light looks like it's being seen through broken glass like light through a crushed kaleidoscope.”

Hearing myself say those words out loud was revelatory.

The doctor told me that she suspected I had cortical blindness with blindsight (more on this below) and scheduled an MRI.

After a pretty intense brain MRI, I was diagnosed with cortical blindness in my right eye.

Here are a list of random facts that apply to my subjective experience with cortical blindness and blindsight:

1. I have had it since birth.

It could be genetic or it could have been due to my mother's health when she was younger. My mother experienced extreme trauma and malnutrition as a child when she was in concentration camps for four years (this is way too long to go into here, maybe one day I will write about that story). It's been shown that malnutrition and trauma can lead to future issues with reproduction.

However, no one knows for sure what caused my cortical blindness and it will always be a mystery. I am ok with that.

2. I see the world with my left eye.

I use my left eye when I use a camera. It's what I look out of when I make art, look at people, work, and do 99% of the things I do.

I don't think about my right eye at all usually. Some situations that have forced me to think consciously about my right eye: -When I was in pre-med, microbiology lab was a big issue for me due to the binocular microscopes.

-Escalators used to make me extremely anxious since my depth of field is limited.

- 3D films give me headaches and make me nauseous because my brain tries to process the visual output with both eyes.

-I absolutely love road trips but cannot drive because of my cortical blindness.

3. I have Type 1 blindsight.

Blindsight is a peculiar thing to attempt to explain.In fact, I have never even tried to write about it before so bear with me if this doesn't make a lot of sense.

Here is the explanation of blindsight on Wikipedia : “Blindsight is the ability of people who are cortically blind due to lesions in their striate cortex, also known as primary visual cortex or V1, to respond to visual stimuli that they do not consciously see.

The majority of studies on blindsight are conducted on patients who have the conscious blindness on only one side of their visual field. Following the destruction of the striate cortex, patients are asked to detect, localize, and discriminate amongst visual stimuli that are presented to their blind side, often in a forced-response or guessing situation, even though they do not consciously recognize the visual stimulus.

Research shows that blind patients achieve a higher accuracy than would be expected from chance alone.Type 1 blindsight is the term given to this ability to guess—at levels significantly above chance—aspects of a visual stimulus (such as location or type of movement) without any conscious awareness of any stimuli.

Blindsight challenges the common belief that perceptions must enter consciousness to affect our behavior; showing that our behavior can be guided by sensory information of which we have no conscious awareness ''

I seem to be able to sense people by their movements even without seeing them. I can sense when routine patterns are off by even a tiny amount. This feeling is amplified on my right side. I used to say I felt like I had a version of spidey-sense. When I was officially diagnosed with blindsight, my spidey-sense made totally sense.

If I am close with or around people for a while, I don't even need to look at them with my eyes to see them because I know with pretty good accuracy what is happening around me even if (or especially if) it is happening in my right eye field of 'vision'.

If I am really into / crushing on someone and around them for any length of time my blindsight is even more intense when it comes to sensing their presence and movements. Blindsight can't be switched on or off. The intensity seems to differ depending on circumstance, surroundings, and even connection to people. It isn't ideal all the time since it just makes me feel hyper-aware of people and myself which then makes me retreat super awkwardly since I also have social anxiety. Fun :/

3. I call my right eye vision: colored glass world.

I don't always see or visit colored glass world. In fact, most of the time, there is no conscious awareness of colored glass world.

This is the closest image I could find to show what it kind of looks like (however, I can see shapes and light):

Unlike blindsight, I can absolutely go into colored glass world at will or I slip into colored glass world when these circumstances occur:

-When I am really tired or when I daydream I tend to slip into right eye vision because it feels soothing to escape into colored glass world.

-When I am super happy.

-When I play piano I get into a flow state and colored glass world meshes well with this state. I have played classical piano since I was 3 years old and used to specifically memorize long pieces of music just to play the music while in colored glass world.

4. That ear question the ophthalmologist asked me wasn't totally out of left field.

It's not so odd to have a dominant side when it comes to sight and hearing when cortical blindness occurs in one eye. I can hear out of my right ear but it's just slightly different in a way that I can't quite explain. my left ear. I am hyper-sensitive to sound.

I also tilt my head to the right when speaking with people as if I am presenting my good eye and ear. Once people know this about me, they can't unsee it.

5.The irony of the fact that I ended up in careers that rely entirely on my vision is not lost on me.

I am currently a photo director and producer at Vox Media for Curbed. I am also a photographer who does commissioned art for games, film, books, and other media and have had two photography books published.

My second book, NY in the Snow, was the culmination of seven years of going out into every major snowstorm in New York City to translate into art all the feelings of isolation, nostalgia, and loneliness I felt while surrounded by the vast snow-filled cityscapes.

I never wrote about my vision in the book. In fact, it only occurred to me when the book released in stores and I was actively promoting it, that my snow photography was the closest way I ever came to showing everyone else how my right eye vision meshes with my left eye vision.

I spent hours waiting for the right combination of people and cars to enter the stormy backdrops.

Did I ever slip into colored glass world while shooting and editing the images during that time period?

All the time.

6. I finally got glasses this weekend.

After I was diagnosed with cortical blindness, I was told that all the years of headaches were due to constantly putting a thick prescription in front of my right eye. It was forcing my brain to try to adjust to the prescription. and just led to misery.

However, years later, my left eye definitely has deteriorated a tiny bit.

Having insurance again meant a visit to a new eye doctor and glasses with a prescription only in the left lens to eliminate any headache issues.

Here are my new glasses yesterday (this image was taken for Instagram stories which flips images, this is clearly flipped).

It's nice to have glasses with no prescription in my right eye.

My right eye is just fine as is.

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