#and the tags is my personal journal now

[katabay]

L'APPEL DU VIDE

okay so. jack! jack. what a collection of guys. the overlap between jack and the beanstalk and jack the giant killer, though. that sure is something! sometimes king arthur is there, which always takes me by surprise.

this. specifically. is an idea I've been kicking around. jack and the beanstalk is not a story I've ever enjoyed, as a kid it was probably my least favorite to read. as an adult, I was INTENSELY fascinated by reading j.g. ballard's the drowned giant. I think about it frequently, and somewhere during a re read of it, I ended up revisiting jack.

combining different versions of jack into one character is not a new concept, but it IS a fun one! the version I've been assembling together plays less with the fun elements of a jack story (and adjacent folklore stories), and focuses more on the potential for tragic elements with the addition of the usual grim and jagged narrative edges that I personally enjoy.

jack with the backstory of the devil and the three golden hairs, only jack doesn't find love, he's TIRED, all he wants to do is go home, but there isn't a home to go back to. what is the point of being born lucky if this is what it gets you? jack the giant killer, only he doesn't want to kill giants, jack who saw a body of a giant when he was a small child and cannot bring himself to do as a king commands. jack, who climbs up the beanstalk and stops halfway to look down. etc.

to go back to the drowned giant real quick, both to set the tone about jack seeing the body of a giant as a youth, and also because I've been haunted and obsessed with this excerpt of it ever since I read it:

J. G. Ballard, The Drowned Giant

anyway! this was originally like, a two illustration concept to get out of my system. however. I'm halfway through outlining a narrative. so. maybe it will also be several illustrations and also comic.

bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost

#original tag #generic medieval tag #WAHOO. alright. #i dont have any additional commentary in the tags. reading the drowned giant years ago Did Something To Me #and it connected with whatever it was that made me dislike the jack and the beanstalk narrative (i know what it is. its just not really #all that relevant to this post. also im tired. its time for bed) #through the power of Why Not. i will now. turn it into a story???? #i think. its definitely been taking up a lot of space in my mind lately #the only thing stopping me from turning it into my Side Project to do when i need a break from doing Bad Governance edits #is that. ive run out of notebooks???? to start a new story in. and i am Old and i only outline stuff by hand #eventually i'll get to daiso and pick up some new ones and work on this for real. until then. im going to continue to write about it #in my personal journal where i dump all my thoughts and ideas into

[goldkirk]

I opened Pinterest for the first time in months.

That made me realize a lot about how bad I was actually doing and how much of a Waffle House Index use of Pinterest is for adult me, apparently.

I hadn’t realized it had grown that foundational to me in a healthy-brain-exercise-and-hobby-joy way. Nice to know moving forward! It’s another sign I can keep track of and use to spot correlation/indicator patterns earlier my behavior.

I love this kind of thing, it makes me so excited!

#personal data hacking is my passion #someday I’ll tell a story about the most notable times I tracked things or hacked my own mental processes from childhood to now #including the fear of spiders and bed wetting and behavior changes and posture and heart rate and cursive and putting kitchen items and #trash away as soon as I’m finished using them instead of never ever or ages and ages later #I’m so proud of that #you have to give it time and still commit. chaining thoughts and routines and behaviors really works #we are not separate brains and bodies and external environments #anyway I’m gonna go haha I used up he last of my energy burst on Discord and here and I need to go rest and lie on the floor and probly doze #love you all be back soon bye mwah! #add to journal #trauma evolution #my Waffle House index #this is going to be a fun new tag I’m so going to have fun with this and I bet it’ll be a helpful example reference for other people too #more than just for future me! #so excited so proud of myself so happy so grateful for hope about me really trusting that my ability and my behavior and my performance #are able to and going to yes keep getting better #long many-milestone path-journeys of potential #like when I was a little 6-7 year old kid-team athlete looking ahead at a concept of a future with me over time getting #stronger and cleverer and faster and slicker and calmer and even happier and more and more capable and able to accomplish! #a gift. all this time I didn’t think I’d have and have been living anyway is such a gift. #knowing that I truly have future time to grow and explore and change and improve in even though I still can’t FEEL or IMAGINE that future #time yet. also a gift. #the time I will one day realize I can imagine a future and imagine myself alive? will be a gift. #breath is a gift. experiencing life is a gift. other life is a gift. rhythm is a gift. motion is a gift. awake is a gift. color is a gift. #such a great expanse. all of it new. all of it eternal. all of it me. all of it nothing I’ve ever known before. all of it all of it #all of it. gifts. #gonna go have floor time now. this would be such a nice time to re-re-regain my ability to cry! #mwah I love you future me. take care of your hand and thank u for writing all this down 💛 #hey little star whatcha gonna queue? #my poetry

[doetic]

There's Doodles of Rams in the Margins? (Jschlatt x Reader) - UPCOMING

As a perpetually single relationship columnist living in 21st century Los Angeles where romance seems to be dead and gone, you've always found yourself unable to fully let your guard down around men and believe in love. This trait of yours only grew to be further justified after your lifelong best friend and roommate Shae dragged you along with to an influencer party, resulting in you butting heads with a man known as Jschlatt. Seeming to embody everything you hate about men and social media stars, your prejudice against him and his insufferable pride clash at every given moment. You would love nothing more than to rid your life of him forever. However, much to your chagrin, fate seems intent on keeping the two of you as close together as possible -- LA rent isn't cheap. With Shae's long time plan to move in with Ted and the great difficulties that come with finding a roommate as a mostly-friendless recent immigrant, you'd be a fool not mutually benefit from letting the wealthy man experiencing housing issues stay with you short term. It's not like it'll mean anything, it's just for a few months. Your disdain for each other is mutual anyways, right?

Inspired by Pride and Prejudice (book, movie, and BBC adaptation since I'm obsessed with all), the modern P&P adaptation Bridget Jones' Diary, and hints of Sex and the City.

Main Cast (so far):

Other people will make appearances, this is just the main cast. Other sisters, Mr. Collins, and Lady de Bourgh removed for ease of writing and inability to cast them well without having many oc's.

Y/n -> Elizabeth Bennet

Shae -> Jane Bennet

Jschlatt -> Mr. Darcy

Ted Nivison -> Mr. Bingley

Hasan -> Mr. Wickham (adjacent)

Slimecicle -> (bestie version of) Georgiana Darcy

Let me know if you'd like to join the taglist!

#Writing a pride and prejudice au is like my personal rite of passage in a fandom #i do it for every one I'm in #although usually it stays in my notebook #i just love pride and prejudice so much #jschlatt x reader #alyssia's upcoming #i guess this project deserves it's own tag now!! #there's doodles of rams in the margins news #there's doodles of rams in the margins #ted nivison #slimecicle #I genuinely have a moleskine journal I intended to just jot down fic ideas in while in class that ended up full of just this

[lokisaved]

The wildest thing about getting to take a photo with Tom is that it didn't feel quite real, like he wasn't a real person standing there in front of me that I was about to be right next to. I partially attribute that to how fast the line was going, but even if I had a bit more time to process, I surely would have felt the same: that a man whose life, basically, I had been following since 2013, was in the same room as me and I was mere feet away.

I was lightheaded in the moments prior to the photo, although whether due to being hungry and needed water or overwhelmed suddenly despite not feeling it before (and thrown off by the girl in front of me trying to hold a brief conversation and the crew trying to escort her away), I'm not sure. I do wonder how Tom feels about the whole thing, about how fast it went.

We greeted each other, I got to shake his hand (his hand really is big, much larger than I expected, yet when he shook mine, it didn't feel overwhelming, and he didn't crush me), he put his arm behind me and mine behind him (his coat was quite soft; my mom speculated it's a nice/fancy wool), we smiled, FLASH, I thanked him (I can't recall if he thanked me), and off I went.

While fast, definitely 100% worth it. I've never had the chance to go anywhere else he's been due to time and money, but this time, the stars aligned.

I was lucky enough to have enough income to be able to do that plus get better seating for the live show, which was also definitely worth it; I wasn't as close as I would have liked, but better than higher up—and the general seating filled up really fast, so much so that when it got delayed due to autographs (I get the sense they overbooked him, because he had to go BACK after it was done), they told us not to leave the theatre because so many people couldn't get in.

Anyway, I absolutely loved being able to hear him talk in person, and he told pretty much all new stories this time! At least, new to me, but I'm pretty sure most of them had not been told before, probably because the audience got to ask the questions (using a Google forms from the week before that was only open for twenty-four hours AND I MISSED—and they had apparently 84 questions?? Surely they could have left that open longer, then).

I really hope I get the opportunity to see him in person again in some form or fashion; i.e. I'd probably do an autograph, or if he's got enough live event, just pay for good seating for that. I don't know if I'll get so lucky a second time, and I will definitely cherish this for a long while.

#tom is probably one of the few people I'd pay this much money to see/interact with #aside from burt reynolds this is probably the highest caliber celebrity I've interacted with/been near #I don't know if tom wopat counts and im probably forgetting someone who isn't a singer from the 60s (peter noone) #megacon #megacon orlando #tom hiddleston #loki #we interrupt your regularly scheduled reblogging from 5 years ago for something completely unexpected #i will probably write this down in my journal but i reaaaalllly wanted to put this out there #idk if it'll go in the tag though lol whatever im not looking for a bunch of notes or anything #also despite tom being 6'2“ he didnt seem quite as tall as i expected and i attribute that to the fact #that i have a coworker who's six foot that ive been working with for 4 years come summer #so ive gotten used to it haha but he definitely was still tall #also i was wearing books with a bit of a heel so that took the edge off the height difference #*boots not books im not sure how i missed that #also also. his weekend look was much better than his friday look. also he looked very good in person 😌👌 #it's strange now looking at old photos of him with his real hair and stubble and having a sort of cognitive dissonance #between that and what i saw yesterday 😆 #my stuff

[tapucocoafgc]

Had a very good talk with my gf last night that basically boiled down to: you can't care for others until you can care for yourself

And it's so obviously like, I needed to clear brain space to do that anyway, but having another person say it put it really starkly into perspective

#tapu irlposting #I let her look over what I'd been journaling about over the past several weeks #and she was like #“you spend a LOT of time framing what you do and how you feel in the context of other people” #and I was like #“...huh.” #and it really set the ball rolling on me thinking about everything leading up to this #how I've had to people please basically my entire life #and how I've been conditioned to think of how I see myself as purely being how others see me #and I don't think I even know how to exist as myself without that qualifier #and it's very daunting to think about learning #but I clearly need to do *something* just for me #and that's what my writing has been honestly but maybe I need to do more #maybe I need to be a little selfish as a treat #these tags got out of hand lol but tl;dr I have been way too busy making myself emotionally available to others #to be emotionally available for myself #and even now my brain is telling me: nah don't do that you're a shit person who doesn't deserve it #but I gotta tell it to shut up ig

[ranvwoop]

its wallowing hours! again.

#vwoop.noises #I'm sorry for like. One of these daily. I am trying to . Not #But my journal is only so effective opposite attention seeking... #I have been having an extended episode for a bit now and I just don't know how 2 distract myself anymore :( #They were not lying. Mental illness has hands #And I am substantially self aware too like I Know. When too much is too much for other people. It's just rough out here! #I wish I wasn't so dependent and suchlike #And I should do school stuff but like. I don't want to do anything at all because of The Episode. Just like. rot #Stuff that would usually cheer me up sorta got hit in the crossfire of other brainstuff too so its like. Sad Mrew Noises :( #nondescript personality disorders . Am I right gang #Well it's descript to me. But you see. People are so mean in this world and I am afraid people would think differently of me... #even tho. It Checks Out. It's not a well-kept secret #i should probably make a tag for when I'm Wallowing so it's easily filtered but like. I don't want people going thru it #Or to tag as The Catchall. Events. Because people go through that to be weird yknow.

[lovebloods]

.

#hiding this in the tags bc it’s kind of embarrassing and i need to get it off my chest #and i could journal about it but i just want someone to see me #sorry for being cringe <333 #but i don’t know what the hell i am like i don’t know if i’m even nonbinary anymore and that scares me like being nonbinary felt like coming #home after a long trip #and now i’m having all these thoughts about wanting to be a man? like near tears rn bc i want to be a guy but then when i think of actually #being a guy i freak out a bit #bc i like being seen as feminine too and i know that there are feminine men and they get treated so terribly #and i feel like all the men i see that i want to be like or look like are white! why don’t i see any black trans men like i feel so alone #and i’m scared to look/be openly trans bc there’s so much violence against people like us that it feels safer to just cosplay as a cis woman #even though i’m not #like i don’t want to be a boy but i want to be one and i absolutely don’t want to be a girl but i’d like to be seen as someone sometimes #it’s all very confusing #AND like i know i’m biromantic like im attracted to all genders and people #but im like? am i on the ace spectrum #bc i have a low sex drive am often sex repulsed and will sometimes ‘test’ #myself to see if im sexually attracted to people and most of the time it’s like #it’s like meh not really but sometimes im like sure but that’s rarer and rarer these days?? and like. tmi here but i jerk off and enjoy it #so i can’t be asexual right?? i tried looking it up but the articles just confused me #but then i also am like with the right person if i had a connection to them i wouldn’t mind having sex with them! but like. then i think #about actually having to be in a relationship and i’m like gross no but i think that’s just relationship trauma and fear of being #vulnerable #and like i know i don’t HAVE to have a label on my gender or sexuality but for me personally it helps to know What i am #and and i love butches so so so much and if i’m a man how can i love butches? like #it’s all so confusing #i feel like i’m 14 and going through puberty again

[elwesbian]

sorry i just realized he looks like if ryan gosling wanted me dead

#i posted this to my personal journal and i honestly think it should go here #horse #(i think someone needs that tagged) #peter outerbridge heads. i get it now.

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

i very much do not need to be coming up with a preliminary cast for a book i know nothing about and will not write until november at the earliest, but HERE WE ARE, I GUESS,

#text #personal #writing #nano2024 #do i have a project title yet?? #no absolutely not. therefore. idk how to tag this #fuck me im gonna have to come up with a title #and like. humans. in this haunted house fucked up shit happens in space but we dont know its space book. #i do however now have: #two cats #a geriatric goldfish #a sourdough starter #and an aggressive mint plant #so really what more do i need #this is what happens when my brain rubberbands back from nano cooldown #its a good sign i think!! #but what the hell man this is not on the radar yet 😂 #oh i should put this in the bitch journal huh

[goldkirk]

as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd

#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd #also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th #breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to #so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart #and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves #i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this #i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things #so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday #i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers #but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care? #people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better #if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war #anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter] #personal #add to journal #words n rhythm #WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS #cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao #i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes. #anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i #and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would #objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else. #this is a gift i give myself now. #this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do #trauma evolution #mosswrites

[thisperfectmonsoon]

oh I see.

#we’re in the don’t look at yourself in the mirror portion of this #got it #fml my brain is such a fucking bully #I already hate my body but now i can’t even look at it? #disgust is permeating every feeling I have towards myself rn #GREAT!!! love that for me!!! #personal #don’t mind me I’m just journaling in the tags #I need to get it out of my head a bit #because it’s fucking LOUD in there #broken beyond repair up there really

[margumis]

I hustled and grinded so hard today!!!

#I wrote a lot of my personal piece im writing #and I had like 3 different meetings #I think im going to add a creative writing minor to my academic plan ! #me blabbering in the rest of the tags: #so I really really hated writing once I got to highschool because im not good at academic writing #and last fall semester I took a composition class and it was my first time being told to not write something academic but rather tell a #story from our personal lives #so I wrote a piece on female friendships and I got a perfect score on it and it was like a gateway drug into me enjoying this process again #the female friendship piece got submitted for a deans writing award last semester (didnt win) but I still keep contact with that prof and #she was like I need you to take a creative writing class because I think you could thrive!!! so im in one right now and im rlly happy with #everything im doing :) #I really only laid out the outline for my professor and she cried which feels good not in a I made her cry way but just the outline of my #story made someone feel something! #and shes pushing me to submit it to a journal when its all finished up and its exciting and it makes me feel good #I dont think I exactly thrive in writing fic in this way either unfortunately #like I dont think fiction is my forte ig #idk idk rambling #but if you read this I LOVE YOU!

[ikyw-t]

I do relate to olivia rodrigo in some ways for example I did have nightmares each week (every day for months) after that phone call in may (march). I fantasize (once every other blue moon) about a time where you're a little fucking sorry. except I do not hold my undying love (there is not even an iota of love, if there ever was) like a grudge and also I will never ever forgive bc you were indeed filled with vitriol. and unfortunately I also cannot let it go. it was six months (three years) of torture. I did NOT love you truly and I cannot laugh at the stupidity. I may have made some real big mistakes but you do indeed make the worst one look fine. like..............

#sorry i know this is cringe and something i should just journal about #ive just had a very shitty day and also kinda week #ive just been tired and lethargic for no clear reason for the past five days and it's very frustrating #bc i have homework due tomorrow that ive barely made any progress on #and i kinda rly need an A in this class to maintain my gpa. so if one bad week means i tank this assignment and get a B in this class #oh dread. unspeakable unsurmountable dread #also i went on a walk in the park w my mom which i haven't done in a bit and i just was unable to stop thinking #about my high school demon of a boyfriend who lives nearby. altho he literally never goes outside i sometimes get rly freaked out #and panicky that i might see him and have to deal with him again. like he did call (AND TEXT?!?🤢) me last march #and i was having nightmares for months after and feeling so paranoid that he might randomly show up at my house one day #bc that's the kind of shit he used to do regularly when we were dating to keep me from breaking up w him #and like ughhhhhhhhhh it just makes me so upset bc he literally would have the audacity. #it's just upsetting. i am soooo nonviolent as a person but when i think of him i suddenly feel not very nonviolent #again my apologies i know this should be journaled about instead. sorry u had to see all this #feel free not to read these tags like this is just for me. apologies. #while im here some other songs that make me think of him include would've could've should've. atw10 but only the terrible parts #uhh better by myself by hey violet is incredibly on the nose #also it's actually just a rly great song. also get out of my life by little hurt. okay im done now. #gonna go find something funny and cute to watch. maybe little witch academia. #sorry if u read all this 😵‍💫

[merevide]

king - florence + the machine / you first - paramore

#vent tw in the tags yeahhhhhh it’s been a rough week for me (it’s only monday) #me when i’m my own killer. me when i’m my own victim. im very normal im very stable #me when i realize i’m aiding in my own self destruction and i’m actually one person. lol #i remember when i was like. young. not that young but younger i was like #so sad. and didn’t wanna like live but i was passive about it #so i would like write in my journal. basically these like stories where i kept killing me over and over. p graphic p concerning etc. etc. #i really need to tell my therapist about that. anyway. vent over #idk why i just admitted that I AM EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY NOW I KNOW HOW TO COPE I’M HAPPY I’M UNBURDENED I HAVE FRIENDS I’M NOT IN ANY DANGER #TO MYSELF I’M FINE I’M SOCALIZED I’M TOTALLY COOL #f+tm #paramore #my text

[colognedecigarette]

anyway, go read ikoku nikki.

#ikoku nikki #using the jp title bc iirc theres two english titles and idk which one's the right one: journal with witch or different country diaries #it's a slice of life coming of age story of a teen girl living with her aunt with two completely opposing personalities #the scanlation team really outdid themselves esp the translator #the dialogue feels natural it legit feels like overhearing actual irl convo most of the times #the aunt is only said to be introverted but tbh she's heavily ND coded #theres a genderqueer and aro side characters and their identities are just treated super casually (in a good way) #the bestie being a lesbian was kinda awkward but only when the protag discovered it bc. well. shes a teen kid lol #''i support you'' that gave me a good chuckle every single time #honestly just everyone in this comic in general. their existence and personhood‚ whatever it is‚ never made a big deal out of #(again: in a good way) #like everyone just exist. living their own separate lives. and sometimes their livings conflict with each other but thats just life #it's heartwarming and heartwrenching #it's made me nostalgic of my own teenagehood and looking forward of my 30s and older #it's just life. and i mean it. cant get any more slice of life than this #anyway yeah please do yourself a favour and go read it #now why the fuck did i write all this in the tags instead of the post #ah fuck i now have to screenshot it dont i

[wildelydawn]

I like her!! I like her so so much! I like her and I want to hold her hand!! Or maybe she’d hold onto my arm. I like her!!! My heart could explode! Maybe she would make fun of me and I’d let her. Maybe she would pull on my cheeks. Maybe I’d pull her into the water with me. I want to see her in the sun. I want to love her easily.

I hope she never stops talking. I hope she goes on and on and on and I hope I get to listen and read and scroll and listen some more. I hope I am a spool of cliches that she unravels every day. I like this feeling! I am soooo soft for her.

#Personal #daily journal #this is my daily journal entry for today #i’d also fuck her senseless but let’s keep that in the tags for now #She deserves sloppy head and leg shaking orgasms (consensually) #I also want to BITE HER #BITES HER BITES HER BITES HER