Anyhow, I want people to understand the significance of me crying over TOH ending because. I generally do not cry. It’s hard for me to cry, I feel sadness and grief sure! But tears themselves are difficult. And as much as I love media, it’s very rare and hard for it to make me genuinely cry. Other cartoons and shows I’ve gotten into haven’t done it, but...
The Owl House genuinely made me cry. After the grief of Agony of a Witch, the lonely despair of King’s Tide, and so many other painful moments. The Owl House finally made me sob, genuinely, wails I had to cover up, hot tears, sore eyes and a dripping nose. I heaved and made myself cry even more, because goddamn is there such a relief in the catharsis of feeling this pain, and knowing it means you’ve felt something, you’ve felt happiness to begin with.
So yeah. The Owl House has always been pretty special to me. But I think this expression of how I felt was low key what I was waiting for, working towards, after the finale. The absence hurts, but it makes me appreciate all the more the presence it entails for TOH in my life. For the community, for the experiences, the analyses, the genuine fun and laughter and speculation! The hype and friends I’ve made along the way, me building up my own skills as a reader thanks to this show!
I remember being enamored by The Owl House’s first announcement in February 2018, the first ever, possible public reveal of that show; You could’ve only known it beforehand if you worked at Disney and/or were one of Dana’s friends. Something about Luz, about Eda, about King... The very premise itself, the magic. Something about this show felt special to me, I had a really good feeling about it I couldn’t explain.
I ended up checking Dana’s Twitter obsessively for updates, was excited when she posted this one art of Luz and King having an ice cream run, while Eda was displeased with a little demon trying to get her dessert. I expected mostly casual things, but something about the vibes, the magic and wonder experienced through the lens of Luz... It got to me in a legitimately depressive state of my life.
Because I was depressed. Suicidal, even. It was perhaps the worst phase of my life ever, and I hope it’ll stay that way. The beginning of 2018 felt like me finally getting over the big hurdle, that enormous halfway point at the top, and how it was all relatively smooth, downhill sailing from here. So it feels fitting that it was the beginning of the easier part that TOH was announced for me. All I knew were Luz, Eda, and King; I eventually gave up checking Dana’s accounts for art, because I was SO excited and impatient for this show, inexplicably.
That’s probably why I missed Dana’s little sneak peek of Amity Blight, haha... But anyhow, TOH gave me something to look forward to. Something to live for. And when I finally got a shot of Eda throwing treats to Luz and King, the former taken aback by the eyeball, the latter having it bounce off his skull. It didn’t make it to the final cut obviously, but it was my first glimpse of how the show itself would look.
I was in despair when The Owl House was delayed to 2020; I had to wait another whole year for it! And going from 2018 to 2019 was painful enough as is! But man... Was it worth it. The first teaser, the mystery and wonder it promised. My Bionicle brain freaking out over the reveal of the Boiling Isles as a giant corpse.
And then the theme song. Me learning Luz’s VA, scouring very obscure media to get an idea of how she might sound like. And finally I heard it, we got other announcements; Eda by Wendie Malick, who made perfect sense, and King by Alex Hirsch, cue those obnoxious Bill Cipher theories I still hate to this day!
Some crew members announced cupcakes they made, complete with banners like “Drinkers Coven” and I got hyped for this little content. I wanted to try cashew meringues because of it, and later recognized the repurposed frames of Luz, Eda, and King in actual episodes. I saw some concept art and expressions removed from the show, and was glad to recognize them later, as I did a frame-in-process of Luz wondering about her magical destiny.
I checked Tumblr but it seemed like I was the only person actively anticipating, and not just including TOH as part of a larger collection of media posts. I wanted TOH for itself, someone was curious if it had owls, I scoured the first teaser for a screenshot to satisfy them! I wanted more people in on it! I saw some clips, figured out Luz’s ethnicity from her squealing “Ay que lindo!” in response to King.
I made a few ancient posts, my first TOH post was me admitting I was excited and wondering if anyone else was. It got NO traction, at least not until much, much later... But that didn’t stop me! I had a dream where Luz was revealed to be disabled, her legs were prosthetics and Eda ended up giving her new magic prosthetics styled after owl feet. This would prove weirdly prophetic... Less so, my dream about Luz being the Anti-Christ (this was framed as a good thing), hence why she found the isles.
I speculated Luz was an orphan who had nobody, hence why she found the isles; But then an article mentioned her mother Camila. I went with that spelling until some end credits confused me with a typo that gave us Camilia, which led to a big fandom debate later until Dana clarified.
I analyzed the trailers, trying to figure out the plot and trajectory, wasn’t quite right there. I was happy to see TOH would have full 22-minute episodes, allowing them to get nitty gritty and elaborated, instead of truncated into 11-minute segments. Boy did that pay off, and looking back I can appreciate what a rarity that was, an achievement. People pointed out the anagram for me...
I speculated on the titles, confused bits from Covention with scenes from the first episode, wondered if Escape of the Palisman referred to the tower. And in the end, the first episode finally came out, after I was enjoying Infinity Train Book 2, and I was enamored. It was wonderful, it utterly blew me away and was all I wanted and more. I had to get more! The moment Luz spoke of liking editing anime clips into AMVs and all that other stuff, I felt seen, and that was just the beginning.
I spoke my praises, but alas there was no fandom. The next week, I was surprised to find posts for the next episodes so early, and learned the episode was released ahead of time on DisneyNOW, so I immediately subscribed. I was excited to meet Amity Blight, Willow and Gus; And I was caught by surprise by how openly mean Amity was when she debuted! But I analyzed the sub-text of her actions and dialogue, and was vindicated.
Amity was such a fun and interesting character because she really felt like a puzzle that we unlocked more and more pieces of, to better understand her. And I really got the sense of TOH’s re-contextualization and surprising character continuity, such as when King’s B-plot in one episode actually became the focus of the very next! You could tell the writers really cared about making a deeper story for kids and teenagers.
One nice memory was when I wrote a post appreciating Willow and Luz’s friendship, the idea of Willuz as a ship; I took a shower and went back to check afterwards, and got notes! I analyzed the mechanics of glyphs deeply when they were first revealed, getting nitty-gritty; I remember the events of a few nights and what happened around me writing a post, comparing glyph magic to artificial replication of dragon breath!
I looked for crew art, which alerted me ahead of time to the existence of Emira and Edric, thought I didn’t know their names, and was delighted to learn Amity had older siblings!!! They were hers! Shoutout to @anistarrose who was one of the few people in the tag at this time. I really appreciate that post where you called out people constantly trying to make King into Bill Cipher in a serious manner, and the annoying implications of it. And how you realized a tweet poem by Dana foreshadowed Warden Wrath and the Emperor’s Coven... AND THE CODES TOO!!!
I distinctly remember this one meme video in the tags, a song singing “This girl is a lesbian” as Amity showed up as the punchline. I thought it was cute and loved the idea, I had no clue...! I even tried to analyze the dates on her diary entries because I was so obsessed with the show and wanted more, trying to see if I could figure out a calendar...
Spoiler alert, I didn’t. but it was FUN trying! Putting in all of this unnecessary effort for a detail nobody cared much for, because you could tell the crew were people who did the same, Dana even confirmed it later for herself! I remember being shocked about Eda having a curse, that one theory it was a Blight who did it. I suggested King being the Boiling Isles Titan, some Youtube channel even asked permission to use my post in discussing that theory! I was skeptical but checked and it was legit, and was pleased.
I went through that godforsaken Witch’s Apprentice game, realized too late the artifacts represented each episode and gave hints to the rest of 1A. I watched Look Hoo’s Talking, with Owlyvia and Horus, shout out to those who remember! I was amazed by Eda’s self-awareness in deciding things for Luz, especially after Luz briefly called it out in Covention. I found myself so ATTACHED to the characters, which makes sense since I hyped myself from the start!
I remember being surprised to see King wasn’t an overlord... Or was he? The original 2018 announcement suggested as such, but the way the show played around even after the premiere seemingly disproved it was fun. I speculated on what Luz’s magic track would be, enjoyed fanart of her in Potions as Eda was. Seeing Young Eda was a blast, and I remember being so distraught at the idea of her being cursed! I made a post wailing about it and Cat-Harman Mitchell commented LOL as I ranted about taking vengeance on the curser. Little did I know...!
I was afraid of a cliffhanger with Season 1A, but nope! Eda made it out despite the demon hunters! With a hiatus, I was left impatient and needing more. I scoured crew art, speculated on what Emperor Bellows would be like; Covention’s subtitles mispelled him as such, and Dana had to clarify in a tweet when 1B’s trailer released! I got into deep discussion with @fermented-writers-block about the show, about the mysterious owl mural.
I guess TOH was my first start at really analyzing a show from the start, especially since nobody else was around to do it for me. And coming fresh from reading the meta of those who did inspire me, I went HARD, reasoning that even if it was disproven, the process was fun! I analyzed snake motifs, the mysterious green hand that stole King’s crown. I made a whole diagram about parallels between Luz, between King and the Gildersnake, between ‘human counterparts’ to Amity and Willow and Gus. This definitely fed the revelation of Creepy Luz later on...
But yeah. To think the snakes did pay off with Luz’s palisman Stringbean; Back then people speculated as such with the title’s design, and I’m so happy to see it came through! I speculated on lore, wrote my first TOH fics, The Bile Coven and Amity’s Diary Entries, the latter of which I feel particular pride for since it was a character study of her that proved rather on the spot!
I was obsessed with the worldbuilding, came up with my own ideas. Imagined what Bellows and Kikimora were like. I waited IMPATIENTLY, and even had a dream where Eda was captured by Lilith, Kikimora, and Wrath, as well as some covenscouts... But then it was revealed her curse was a result of possession by the creature depicted on the mural; And it progressed to the next stage of converting her body to its own as she got more feral and escaped on her own!
The airship used by the Emperor’s Coven proved prophetic. And after 1B seemingly disproved this idea, 2A brought it back after all and I was delighted! TOH was and is a show that keeps giving for me, makes me feel rewarded for engaging with it, and is grateful even when I’m wrong, as Any Sport in a Storm’s B-plot attests. I made jokes about King being Mata Nui because I was a Bionicle fan. Someone saw a Grom poster in the background of a shot and suggested Lumity, but I didn’t get my hopes up... Hah.
There was a trailer that alluded to an episode of Luz and Eda in a snowy place; I knew of an article on TOH that mentioned a ‘Witch’s Arena’ at the Knee and guessed this was it. I liked the song that played because I associated it with TOH, found out for myself.
Rebecca Rose, shout out to one of the OGs talking about the show on Youtube! She made a wonderful video discussing Amity’s development and potential, speculating on her, and I felt SOOOO vindicated and followed her for it! As you know, she became THE fan channel for TOH, and was eventually ascended to a full-on crew member for it. We’d all watch her reactions and discussions afterwards.
Adventures in the Elements leaked, I correctly guessed it wasn’t the next episode but the one after it. I was delighted to see the twins be good siblings, and Amity’s casual outfit... Before that, I read a fic during the hiatus of Lilith adopting Amity from abuse (Remember when we thought she was that functional?), and it understandably depicted the twins as mean-spirited and basically apathetic. It was a good fic.
I remember joke-speculating that Bellows would be short, because I was projecting analyses of the Pale King from Hollow Knight onto him! I considered making an animatic of Farquaad’s reveal from Shrek but with Bellows, but alas I’d never actually done an animatic and had zero clue lol. I had another dream about Bellows coming in with the Emperor’s Coven to apprehend Eda, who became an even larger version of her Owl Beast form in response.
Then Summer 2020 came around. What a wonderful time of my life... New fans came in when they saw the possibility of canon sapphics with Lumity, and I was exhilarated! So careful not to get my hopes up, but look now... I was hyped to see Belos’ appearance. I analyzed the 1B trailer, took screenshots and organized them to guess which episodes they were. Rebecca Rose found foreign titles of 1B and translated them, and I did note how translations could skew the intended anagram. I remember “Mini-Problems” being an episode title...
You can probably guess the rest from here, since this was about when the fandom really kicked off. And boy did people stick around for it all. I felt delight in knowing Grom was sooner, due to Understanding Willow being paired with Really Small Problems on the same day! Two episodes at once, instead of the original plan for the last two episodes of the season together! I ended up regretting that low-key with the angst and pain of Agony of a Witch, which made me realize how much I cared for Luz, Eda, and King, and made me the closest to crying from the show.
I felt vindicated to see a popular artist like MoringMark begin making fan comics, I had no idea that’d be THE thing he’d be known for, after I knew him as the Gravity Falls guy. I followed Matthieu Cousin on Tumblr, got excited for that trend of dressing up TOH characters for Grom and sending in your designs, with a winner announced! I don’t think that ever happened. Anamanaguchi’s Prom Night became a thing thanks to a crew member, and who can forget Little Miss Perfect? Kwame rolled with the success and I was glad for him. Eda’s gray eye appearing after the season finale in the end credits shocked me.
There was the Reddit AMA, where I prepared lore questions afterwards and had none of mine answered, but we learned a good deal! Especially the telling “Clawthornes are a bird motif” from Dana, her being put into a headlock by a nun. Amity and Lilith weren’t close but as I mentioned a while back, Dana expressed that she also made connections with cartoons as a kid. Odalia liking her kids color-coded, hence Amity’s hair, and Alador being interesting. Which led to a bunch of fanart that proved off the mark but also not? Alador wasn’t THAT well-put but otherwise...
And that stream! That wonderful stream! I contemplated spending so much money via donation to get something. Eda drinking Apple Blood, Spencer Wan almost spoiling Lilith having a Raven form. Our first sneak peek at Hunter’s face, not counting his appearance as the Golden Guard in S1; We all guessed he and the Golden Guard, or “Owl Mask” were the same. I was stumped and baffled how he fit into Belos’ dynamic... Hoo boy. And we all thought Hunter was an adult, even Alador at first, because of those eye bags!
I wanted to see the coven heads, based on their banners we saw; I liked the Potion Head especially and even when his design proved different than I expected, it was still my favorite! I thought Darius might be a Blight grandfather and he DID have a connection... I had a dream of the twins working for Osran at a library and messing with him, recognized Mason from Covention, and dreamed Terra was named Botanica.
Christmas art of the cast came out, I was happy to see Emira and Edric happy there, after being saddened by Dana’s Grom art of them and even writing a whole fic about it, which I’m chuffed about! She also drew Mattholomule... I recall in the wait for Season 1B, she did some art of the characters. Gus playing games, Mattholomule losing to him; King despairing over stubby thumbs.
Fanart of the kids in quarantine, Amity declaring it’d be easy to stay away from Luz, to Luz’s sadness; Boscha being mad because she couldn’t talk to her friends. Remember when Boschlow was a big thing, until Understanding Willow killed off some of the hype? And confirmation that Willow worked out, which we saw come to fruition in Season 2; People were surprised but I wasn’t! And of course, Frewin being his own entity from Bump, and not Bump himself.
But back to chronology, I guess this is where I should end off. Sorry, this ended up being MUCH longer than I intended, and really you could write a book about my experience with TOH and the journey on a meta level. But those were interesting times, those beginning eras. Back when I didn’t feel the need to always add screenshots to posts unless necessary. And it’s making me nostalgic. It’s making me appreciate everything we’ve been through, the roots of my hyperfixation. And how it all led to me finally crying, because I really did build up THAT much of a love for the show.
I found my first fandom I really felt a part of, found so many people who enjoyed my meta and validated me for it! I feel I’ve grown so much as a person because of TOH. And as I nostalgically reminisce on how different the show was then, I appreciate all the more how far we’ve come, and what it is now. Snapping back to the present does make me sad over how much has passed and changed, but I also appreciate it while remembering the ideas I once had.
I’ll miss that era, and TOH as a whole. And boy do I associate that classic ending theme, how I loved the melancholy of those end credits, speculated on them paying off in the finale. And they did...! It feels good to hear it one last time after a year without it, due to the end credits being removed or redone. There was something so idyllic and dreamlike about that original sequence, capturing the feeling of coming home, and I’m glad TOH did that once more with it.
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5, 7, 13, and 20 for fanfic asks?
5. Fic most proud of writing
This is a toss up - because I am one of those people who likes their own stuff a lot. :-D But, one of the Big Three: Damnatio Memoriae from the Lucifer fandom, Running Up That Hill for Agenst of SHIELD, and Wrong Side of Heaven for Magnum 2018. Mostly for different reasons, but they all have the same vein of "I got mad at canon and I fixed it".
Lucifer was a roller coaster for me - I loved season 1, season 2 was okay, 3 made me want to throw something at the screen 90% of the time, season 4 WAS EPIC, and I gave up halfway through season 5 and never finished the series. Damnatio was written because I wanted much more involvement of the supernatural, not just a therapy/self discovery mixed in with crime of the week. Also, being raised adjacent to Catholicism, I was getting really irritated that they weren't even using the comic lore, and missing the basic fundamentals of the sources they were pulling from. This story had a lot of reader feedback, to the point of it being almost choose your own adventure. As it went on, I would ask readers to pick from two options that I had rolling around in my head, and it actually worked really well to keep the ball moving with my writing.
Running Up That Hill was again another one where I just got mad at canon, but because I don't like the narrative of "these people are exempt from moral standards while this person is Wrong No Matter What", and I probably would've let it slide except the issue I had was that the one that Wrong No Matter What had all of his life changing trauma as a child and then had it reinforced his entire adult life. Everyone else was an adult when Bad Things happened, and I don't like the hypocrisy of saying "get over it" to someone who legitimately doesn't have the toolset to do that.
Wrong Side I love because this actually was my first foray into something that had no supernatural elements to it whatsoever, and based firmly in reality, and a reality I knew pretty well. I wasn't a huge fan of how the TV show just glossed over the fact that these guys were POW's for a year and a half of a terrorist organization that tortures and kills people with such violence that they became a whole new subsect of terrorism. Like, no, these guys aren't just going to walk away without an issue. And the fact that they were sold out by someone who said to have loved them? AND THEY HAVE NO FALL OUT FROM THIS?! Get fucked, shitty narrative. Suicide in the veteran community is at a high not seen since post-WWII, and these fuckers have the audacity to suggest that you're just being a little bitch if you can't acclimate to civilian life.
7. Favorite ship to write
Well, that's pretty easy - none. Romance is rarely done well, and I have never liked anyone enough to relate to the narrative of "Well, I'm throwing all of my friendships out the window because now I have a RomAnTic InTereSt" and it irritates me to no end. if anything, my favorite ship is between Captain Kirk and the Enterprise.
13. Latest fic written/last WIP?
A fix it fic for Yellowstone that showcases the brothers Kayce and Jamie, and because I am on a western kick, research for a Magnificent Seven fic that will likely never see the light of day, but I still love the show and the characters, where Ezra (the gambler from Georgia) is a spy for the Union during the Civil War.
20. Hardest Character to write/get the characterization right for?
The female characters written by men. And I realize that sounds really weird, but because I swear to god men don't understand being a woman, they're just shit at writing them, and they say/do the dumbest things because guys would do that shit, or, worse, the guys writing the character are using them as hyperboles for women they think did them wrong. And then because the writers don't understand them, I can't understand them, and they wind up being the people that in real life, I'd want to hit with my car. Beth Dutton is a great example of this - some of the things she says that I know are supposed to come off as "strong, powerful woman" make me physically recoil and hide my face with a pillow while watching because What the fuck nobody would ever say that and it's actually cringeworthy. Until women started getting involved in the writing process for Magnum and Lenkov was fired, I absolutely wanted to stab Higgins in 90% of her scenes. Post Lenkov - I actually found her really sweet sometimes, and actually relatable.
That being said, the other ones that I'm not good at because it is so far outside my sphere of comprehension are characters like Angie or Dani off of Will Trent and Prodigal Son. I love those characters, they are complex and unique and I love them, but I don't have relatable experience to them at all, and they are some of the hardest people I have tried to write (which is why I don't have fic in those fandoms even though I love them).
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Hi yoonie! I'm a big fan of yours and I agree with you about that hair but I just wanted to let you know as a Black person with albinism, calling someone "albino" is kind of dehumanizing to hear. It makes me feel like some sort of animal or freakshow. I would just ask that you don't use it that way in the future. <3
(Sorry I rambled a bit in this answer about unrelated shit lol you can probably stop like halfway through it, I got on a tangent 😂)
Yooo hey nonny, I totally understand and agree with you. I was referencing whenever people put black hairs on white sims, they all a sudden say the sim is "albino" in that phrasing as an excuse to have a white sim with that hair type. (And like, as far as I know, the sim doesn't even look like they have albinism, they just look white?) Heard this phrase so many times it's shameful. Probably should've used quotation marks or clarified that a lil more. Sorry for that, friend! I didn't even know the term "albino" alone was offensive in that way, I'll have to look into this more. Can I also ask, if you're willing to answer, what the proper phrasing would be? I'm gonna look it up myself either way but I am curious. Would it just be, as you referred to yourself, a person with albinism? I know it varies across communities- personally being ND, I know a lot of autistic people prefer not using "person with autism" as a phrasing for example, and person-first vs identity-first phrasing is a common debate. So I'm guessing it is similar among that community as well. Apologies again for hurting your feelings, I definitely know that sort of dehumanizing feeling and when I see that excuse for certain sims I imagine it must feel that way too. Like a tokenism so to speak.
It seems like, honestly, a lot of cc creators have one light skin black sim, one black sim with "albinism", and/or one black sim with vitiligo with the pattern making them mostly lighter skin in the face, for their cc previews. It's very odd to me. Like any excuse they can find not to have a sim with darker skin. It's a difficult topic bc on one hand it's great to have more representation for different types of sims but it just seems... weird... when there's never any darker skintones to go along with it? Ya know what I mean? And especially nowadays, I'm noticing that black sims and black hairstyles seem like... well... some kind of selling point? I remember in like 2018 and before, so many big (non-black) cc creators would not make black hairstyles at ALL, but now all of a sudden, a bunch of those creators that are now paywallers make them and put them under early access. It's like they know how limited they are and that people will pay for them. It's like we're once again a commodity. And it's weird bc back then it was all "we can't make black hairs, cos they're too hard!" but now that there's money involved it's apparently easy to slap a couple meshes together. Idk. ......I got way off topic I'm sorry 😂
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i never get tagged by name in these things lol @grimmusings
meet the mun.
— basics
NAME: Sunny
PRONOUNS: They/Them
PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: tumblr dms are fine by me! i dont usually make a 1v1 discord server but, discord is still open to people i know well
SINGLE / TAKEN: Happily married and also taking a break from being polyamorous while my husband gets used to America, but i am usually, yuh. what a weird question to put on this thing
— three facts
🍳I just got a cat not too long ago! His name is Yellowstone and the way that i came to be his owner/butler is very uh dark and not what people expect lol
🍳I love to sew! I mostly do historical but ive definately have dipped my toe into critical role cosplay
🍳i got a huge burn from scalding butter a couple days ago and its still under wraps and in recovery so i cant hand sew OTL
— experience
I uh *embarrassingly* started RP when i was in middle school just between me and a friend. we used to like exchange paper and would write chat style dialogue and * style actions. After a pretty embarrassing bit of some kid reading one out to the class, i stopped untill maybe.... idk 2018, right when Infamous second son was still fresh i had my mutant oc for like nearly 3 years before i started playing Dragon Age Inquisition and started out @not-your-chosen with my inqui margaux when i was not even halfway throught the game lol, and then, like all things, it spiraled from there and now were here!
— sub-genres
you all know im a slut for found family dynamics!!! i dont get to play the guardian that often but my kiddos get alot of love through their counterparts, even when its angsty and even when its not like super fluffy all the time.
— plots vs memes
winging it is mostly what i do, i have like a small plot talk but i love seeing where our characters take it organically
— long or short replies
oof this really depends on spoons, how much i can jump off of from the other writer, and how passionate i can be about the thread. It even comes down to the character, like sunyoung is more a straight to the point replier, while say Elliot is more of a thinker and likes to doddle around in prose. its alot of factors
— best time to write
i can legit write anything any where if i have enough passion for what im writing. Usually i write in the mornings on days i work and interspersed thought the day on my off days
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@lambfated sent: How long have you been roleplaying?
munday questions (accepting)
I've been roleplaying since 2011/2012. My first platform to roleplay off on was Paigeeworld and then around 2015/2016-2017, I ended up moving to Amino which was a literal hellhole. I wouldn't recommend Amino at all. I was roleplaying on Amino from 2016/2017 to 2018/2019ish?
I was kind of switching back and forth between Discord and Amino although I can't remember much when it comes to years. I know for a fact, I started being really active on Tumblr possibly 2019/2020 and yes, I remember my very very old URL back then. If you guys remember the URL fandomroleplayer7633 or naosh-of-muses, well, the blog is long gone by now. I don't know if I have any other old blogs, if I do, I probably forgot the email and password especially the blog URLs.
I've been roleplaying on Tumblr for over least four to five years. Back then, I started out on mobile and then I finally shifted to Tumblr desktop halfway through 2020. In 2020, I was roleplaying on Tumblr as a way to cope with what's been going on around me outside of roleplaying.
Below this keep reading/read more section, I will be talking about how deep it was for me to roleplay on Tumblr and how roleplaying impacted me here on Tumblr. Just prepare for venting and rambling. Be prepared for emotional responses and all.
I was 17 years old when I first started roleplaying on Tumblr and back then, I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind because I know for a fact, I was dealing with my own issues and I was using Tumblr as a way to avoid tackling my issues IRL head-on. I was also using Tumblr as a way to cope back then but now, I go on Tumblr as a hobby and I roleplay on Tumblr for fun instead of just using Tumblr as a coping mechanism.
Truth be told, I'd rather focus on the positive aspect more than the negative aspect. The thing is...I'm really glad that I got to meet so lovely folks during my time of roleplaying here on Tumblr despite some of those folks who I consider as friends being with me since 2019/2020. I'm glad to be able to roleplay here on Tumblr, I'm glad to be able to spread my wings. I'm glad to be able to learn about Tumblr pages, themes, etc. I'm glad for those who taught me on how to make icons, how to trim, etc.
If you recognize me and you're probably wondering why I don't remember you, it's because I either forgot or I ended up not communicating often and then forgetting who you are. The thing is...I only remember some people especially when I've been interacting with them for a very long time.
Anyway, thank you to those who stayed by my side. Thank you for being able to talk to me OOC let alone throwing your muse(s) at my muse(s). Thank you for everything.
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Books I Couldn't Finish
As you may recall from one of my previous posts, it takes a lot for me to break up with a book.
In fact, there are few things I dislike more than admitting to myself things just aren’t working out.
It doesn’t happen often, but admittedly post-2020 I have become slightly more discerning in terms of doing things that make me happy, and not continuing with things that don’t. Life is simply too short.
So with some regret, here is a short list of books I couldn’t finish.
Gilead by Marilynne Robinson
Over the last few months, I have been working my way through all 100 books recommended by Oprah Winfrey as part of her Book Club. This book is (so far!) the only one I could not bring myself to finish.
Set in 1956, it takes the form of a letter from the elderly Reverend John Ames to his young son. In the letter, the reverend reflects on his life, his Christian faith, spirituality, community, love, death and loneliness. The book is largely a religious text (or at least that’s how it seemed to me) and the plot is minimal.
Gilead started off well, but I soon found that every few pages my mind would begin drifting onto other subjects such as work, my to-do list or what to make for dinner. Sometimes, within a few minutes I drifted off to sleep. That is not a good thing at 3pm in the afternoon! Ultimately, after 110 pages, I’d got the gist.
Shortly afterwards, I was slightly horrified to find that the book was part of a series, and four were recommended by Oprah as part of her reading list! Sorry Oprah, I don’t think I’ll be revisiting Gilead any time soon.
2. Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut
This book is a semi-autobiographical account of the Dresden fire bombing by British and American air forces in 1945. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.
I don’t remember where I was or what I was doing when I read Slaughterhouse 5. What I do remember is that somewhere around page 30, I realised that I had no idea what was going on or what the book was about.
I put it down and have never looked at it since!
3. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
In fairness, this one started off well – I took it with me on a work trip to Stavanger in 2018, and devoured the first few chapters quickly. But there was no movement in the plot and I quickly realised that each evening, the same events were going to happen. Settling down each night in my hotel room, I would have no idea in what order events were taking place, I would wonder if I’d missed something important, and the main character would begin to irritate me after about 10 minutes.
I persevered until about halfway through, before I couldn’t take it anymore and found something else to read instead.
4. Moby Dick by Herman Melville
I tried. I really did.
I read this at the close of 2019, at the beginning of a long period of illness. At the time, I wasn’t sleeping or eating very well, and my mind was heavy with worries. I tried my best to focus my mind on the exciting tale of Captain Ahab and his quest to kill the whale, Moby Dick, but I just couldn’t do it. There was simply no room in my brain for such a complex and intricate novel. Of course, I didn’t realise this at the time, and I became angry with myself for failing to grasp the language or the plot.
Perhaps now that my brain is back to full capacity, I will revisit Moby Dick and give it another go.
5. Every text on the Medieval Literature module of Newcastle University’s BA English Literature course
Yes, you read that correctly.
I have never struggled with so many books as I did on the unfortunate occasion I chose to study Medieval Literature at university. Reading them back to back was an absolutely Herculean task. I struggled with the intricacy of the language, the themes, the plots, and even the online study notes were not helpful.
In my defence, at the time I was also working nearly 30 hours per week, struggling to support myself and in an unhappy relationship that I didn’t know how to end. Unfortunately, I didn’t have space in my brain to also decipher The Canterbury Tales, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and Morte D’Arthur. I still have no idea how I managed to pass the module!
What are some books you couldn’t finish?
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Javelina Jundred – Race Wrap Up
Very fitting that it is Halloween, and I am putting this out. The Javelina Jundred, advertised as the biggest ultrarunning party in the desert, is the original, costumed 100-mile trail run. It has traditional been on Halloween weekend and this year, celebrated its 20th anniversary. It is organized and put on by Aravaipa Running and it seems each year it gets better and better. Before we get too much further, I would like to say thank you to Aravaipa – all the staff and volunteers. I’ve had the pleasure of running over a dozen of their races and they consistently exceed expectations. Actually, there is a standard that I’ve been accustomed to participating in their ultras and they don’t disappoint. It could be an incredibly popular, large production like Javelina, where over a thousand runners participate, or one that may have a couple dozen – either way, same level of standards. They are a top-notch organization and take care of this particularly interesting community 😊. I would also like to thank, and congratulate, the other participants, as well as all the crews and spectators. The culture of this sport is infectious and keeps many coming out because of the family type of support. Javelina Jundred brings in a tremendous crowd and as indicated, a lot of people. This is a heavily contested race for several different reasons that I won’t bore the non-ultrarunning community, but there are a number of high-level, elite competitors in this event, sponsored runners and in some instances, professional, gunning for the win. Their crews, their spectators, and those fellow participants, exude the culture of this wacky and insane community. It's pretty special when you are getting passed (it is a looped course so mid-packers, like myself get passed 😊) by the top 5-10 runners in the race and they tell you, “great job,” “keep it up,” “you are doing awesome.” That is special and something that is passed throughout the community. They may be finishing hours and hours in front of most of the field but in common, we are all, in some unique way, suffering together……and yes, we did all pay for this – for the most part!
This was my second go at Javelina with my first being 4 years ago, 2018. The races I had done, up to that point, were mainly small ones so experiencing it for the first time was, well, I thought it was a bit crazy. All these people, pop-up tents littering the start/finish area, a party at the halfway aid station throughout the night, costumes, and dance music throughout the race. Way different than anything we’ve gone through in other races. We learned a lot from that first time, so we were better prepared, although we thought, this time around. It is difficult to put into perspective without experiencing it firsthand, but this is a production. Yes, definitely for the folks at Aravaipa and all involved with putting the race on but for everyone else involved. The course is about 45 minutes from our house and, as we learned last time, it is in our best interest to get a spot around the start/finish line, Friday morning to have as the crew’s homebase. I got there around 730am and it took quite some time before I had our spot, pop-up tent set, and ready to go for Saturday. One of the shots included is of our tent on Saturday morning before the start – representing Phillies, Eagles, and Penn State. Ironically, there were two other tents, about 10 feet away, one group from Philly, the other from central PA. Small world – running in 100-mile race, in AZ, thousands of people all around and we get situated near one another. Speaking of the Phillies, my wife Robin and I, Friday night settled in to watch them in the World Series and as you know it, the go into extra innings – fortunately pulling out the win in game 1. That just meant I got one less hour of sleep the night before the race. 😊
On to the race – 3am came early and I went through my routine and headed out to the course. After getting the rest of our spot ready to go and details situation, I had about 30 minutes before start time. I got talking with our neighbors around us, knowing we’d all be spending the next 24-30 hours together so might as well get to know one another. Robin and others were to be coming a bit later to help me out following my first lap and throughout the race. This race is very interesting, and deceptive for a 100 miler. There isn’t a ton of vertical climbing, maybe a total of 4500’. It consists of 5 loops, the first being about 22 miles and other four about 19.5. The major of the race is on the same loop, Pemberton Trail, throughout McDowell Mountain Regional Park in Fountain Hills, AZ. You start out at the lowest part of the course and within the first half, or so, of the loop, you do most of the climbing, which is also the most technical part of the course, and then come back down on the backside. Simply put, by loop 4, maybe even 3, you are not a big fan of the first 10 miles of the course. The other factor is the temperature. You are in the Arizona desert. Yes, it is October and this Saturday, fortunately, the high temp was about 82*. Sounds beautiful, and it is but this course is completely exposed – no shade except for some big cacti you may be able to stand behind a short period of time. So that 82* can feel like 92* easily. On the flip side, the nighttime temps can drop thirty degrees in the early morning, so the swings are vast. I was wearing a light hat and gloves during the wee hours of the morning with two thin layers. There have been times, so I’ve heard, runners had to drop because of hypothermia and heat exhaustion during the same year (not the same runner 😊). Since we lived out here, we were dialed in on that front but in this distance, as they say, anything can and will happen.
As the race got started, I had a vision of how I would have liked the day to go. I am always grateful to be able to do these races. Having the body and mind to move these distances for that amount of time is a privilege that I don’t take lightly. I also realize that is going to be hard. There will be moments that are going to suck, and I am likely not going to be very happy with myself and my decision to run this race……. but then that gratitude sits in again! It seems in every race, there is something that I experience, a place that I go to that I had not been before, this was no exception. The first loop went by pretty smooth and got through the first 22 miles feeling good and where I expected. I was excited to see Robin and our youngest daughter Alaina, for the first time, and Alaina’s friend KJ – so coming into the start/finish headquarters was a treat. We had a plan to do a sock change every loop and eliminate blisters, which made my first run here, not very ideal 😊! As we were doing some foot care, I noticed a bit of blister being to form on my right, middle toe. No worries, we were prepared, and I taped that up. Didn’t have an issue w/ that for the rest of the race, thankfully. We’ve learned, as I mentioned above, much happens in these races and much….is difficult to prepare for; there are so many unknows (sort of like life, right?). We go into these planning that shit will happen and the best thing to make yourself aware of it, acknowledge it, and then manage it. Whether that is taping a blister or, in most cases, pushing it away. “It’ll pass” was my mantra going into the race and repeated often!
There are three things that can potentially end your race – stomach going south, blown quads, or blisters. We essentially, almost, had a trifecta in this year’s race. As mentioned, we had a plan going and but unfortunately, others had a different plan for me and, Saturday just wasn’t my day. The blister wasn’t a problem, although during the last 10 miles a few others did surface. The weird and wacky thing is that my stomach went south mid-point of the 2nd loop. This has never happened before, and it was incredibly off. It felt like someone was stabbing me with a knife just below the bellybutton and I was very nauseous. We kept trying different types of food, all kinds, candied ginger and ginger-ale, and warm coke. I think I drank more coke during this race than I did in all other ultras combined. It was baffling. The good thing is my mind left the stomach/nauseous feeling because in loop 3 my quads went south. I may have been delirious or hallucinating after being up for so long, but I thought I heard them say, “two more loops, nope – we are out of here.” 😊 Each time though, the mantra, “it’ll pass,” and each loop I got to see Robin and others that popped by to check in (big thanks to Tracy L., Jenn S. and the kiddos, Brian & Meghan S.). The support by them, and even our “neighbors” was encouraging to keep going. At no point, did I ever have the thought of not finishing the race. I did have to pivot on expectations but what are those? Arbitrary when you boil it down (more on that to come).
This is the part I have to honor Robin, my wife. The sacrifice, effort, support she provides me, not just in the race, but the work that goes into preparing and follow up…….and she does it without one complaint. As focused as I am in getting this race done, she is as focused in getting me to that finish line; whatever it takes. She drove back and forth to the race site, twice. She left in between loops 2-3 because of Alaina’s homecoming stuff. And then she was out there all day and night with me. Yes, she made friends with the “neighbors” so she was lonely, but she was a one-person support crew, and I can’t say enough about it. Listen, everything in life is better when it is shared with those you love and care about and having a huge crew is always awesome; it’s a great experience. This was the first time, in a 100-mile race, where it was just us two throughout the night. Her at the crew spot by herself and me without a pacer. Those not familiar with the sport may not think much of that but, I don’t know, it think that is pretty special. Her and I figuring it out and making it happen. She was awesome and words here will not express the amount of gratitude and appreciation I have for everything she does for me and our family. Hell, supporting me during this nonsense, taking care of the Homecoming stuff with our youngest, and our eldest, away at college, trying to help celebrate her 19th birthday from afar – Robin was supermom/wife (wink – she usually is anyway 😊). There is much to be said about that – Thank You Robin.
The quad pain never did let up nor did the nauseous feeling, but it didn’t get any worse, so we were able to manage through it. The fourth was a grinder, knowing that I had to do this one more time and it was getting colder and lonelier. At this point, I was just moving forward as best I could, trying not to fall asleep; it was pure zombie mode. Coming into see Robin for the last time before the final loop was relieving. We knew we had this finished, and this last loop wasn’t going to be ideal. We went through our same routine – foot care, assess the body & more importantly, the mind. She walked me around the headquarters area as she was headed to the car for a few hours of sleep while I finish out loop 5. Always encouraging, aways faithful and never a doubt in her mind – we parted with a kiss, an “I love you,” and “see you in a few hours.”
When you let go of expectations, life can become more freeing. This sport can gobble you up and make you mad as you chase down arbitrary times. Letting go allows us to open up and gain a different perspective. I didn’t have the day that I envisioned having; the day I “expected.” I wasn’t my day and as I left Robin on that last loop, I was realizing that didn’t matter. If my arbitrary expectations were met, I would have missed the sunrise pictured in this blog. I will remember that rather than some number. I will remember the conversations I had with so many people on that final lap as we all soaked in that sunrise, the stories of our experience in the race, and in some instances, the stories of our lives. If the day went according to plan – those connections don’t occur. What’s more fulfilling? Not sure what it was but for the last 5 miles or so running didn’t hurt. My quads were painless, my stomach, no discomfort, I wasn’t nauseous. Sure, I was only 5 miles from finishing a 100-mile race, so I knew it was going to be over soon, but the footsteps were effortless. As I reached the archway, with only a quarter of a mile left, the finish felt much different than the other finishes. Running around the rest of that loop, complete strangers cheering me on and congratulating all the runners coming through, I will be honest, I got emotional. Not something I experienced before, not even when I finished my first 100.
I didn’t know what this sport was about when I did my first ultramarathon in 2015. As I’ve become more entrenched in it and have grown to love it and learn more about it, it is incredibly addictive. For several years, I’ve wondered what it would be like to have that “ideal day.” Where the race turns out like you envisioned it with no big dark moments or “pain caves.” That “magical” day – where things go according to plan.
Reflecting on this race, and every race I’ve done to this point, I was chasing something that doesn’t exist. Also, it is something that really isn’t good, at least for me. As you take the journey from the start line, to the finish line in a 100-mile race, you become a different person. The reason is of all that you experience in mile 0 to mile 100. Things are going to be hard, it won’t be ideal, you are not going to want to keep going at times and you are going to think this whole thing sucks. It is supposed to. Being able to bring yourself back from a place you’ve never been before, to keep moving forward, and truly finding out what you can endure – sounds pretty magical to me.
It isn’t about that one magical day. They are all magical days – you just have to let go of the arbitrary expectations that could our perspective.
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I'm sorry, professor, I consider publishing your course a day late, having a mandatory live zoom meeting during business hours to stay enrolled for an asynchronous class, and requiring students to use a $60 ***pdf*** that you wrote as their textbook to be exceptionally unprofessional and since I've still got 14 days to get a refund I'm totally not paying $150 to take your class.
Also, for all the newbie professors out there: a syllabus is not just a greeting and a list of assignments. If you haven't given your students AT LEAST your office hours, your late work policy, and your preferred method of being contacted, then you have not given your students a syllabus it's just sparkling announcements.
But really. Sir. SIR. You teach Speech 100. This is one of the most basic classes with like, 20 of the most widely available accepted textbooks and you want me to pay sixty dollars for a pdf of a book that you rewrite every semester so that there are no previous editions?
Buddy this is interpersonal communication, not introductory rhetoric. Why is one of your *four* total assignments about Socrates?
Maybe it's the fact that I've taken Spch 100 interpersonal communication three times already, maybe it's the fact that I grew up with somebody who taught Spch 100 interpersonal communication from 1981 to 2018, but buddy what the fuck are you doing?
"Some of our lectures will only be available for 24 hours so it is up to you to stay on top of it."
Friend, you are teaching an asynchronous online 100-level class at a community college during a pandemic. Get off your high horse, a third of your students are probably parents. There is no reason whatsoever to limit access to course materials to 24 hours unless you are doing it to be a controlling asshole.
Also YOU published your class a day and a half late! You don't get to publish your class late with an incomplete syllabus and tell students to "stay on top of it." Especially not since that means that people have two fewer days to buy your PDF textbook and only one full day to prepare for your mandatory 1pm on a Tuesday zoom meeting!
Why do you require me to have access to a printer for an online class? Oh yeah it's because you expect me to print out and draw on sections of your $60 ebook.
SIR. No thank you.
Kids, new students: this is a level of bullshit and disorganization from a professor that you do not have to put up with. This is a neatly ordered series of red flags that say "this professor is going to be absolutely unbearable."
Also *any* humanities class where your whole grade is 4 assignments should get serious side-eye. You should be able to pass most 100 level humanities classes by just turning in weekly assignments. 4 assignments means that by the time you figure out how the professor grades you're probably close to halfway through the class. Look for classes that require weekly participation as a major chunk of the grade because that way, even if you fuck up a project in a major way, just showing up can save your ass.
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Andrew Ford was questioned and fetishized when he came out as bisexual. The gay community insisted he wasn’t being honest with himself; women at clubs started to excitedly fantasize about hooking up with two guys at the same time.
All the while, the soccer standout stayed true to himself. Ford came out his freshman year at Malone University, a small Christian liberal arts college in Canton, Ohio — home of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His friends and teammates were accepting, which was an incredible relief. But his journey into the LGBTQ community was a little more rocky.
“I got a lot of pressure from the gay community,” Ford told me recently on the phone. “I felt like I was misunderstood, and didn’t know who I was.”
Ford is one of an increasing number of openly bisexual college-aged athletes whom we’ve profiled recently on Outsports. Despite some surveys showing more Americans identify as bisexual than either gay or lesbian, there is a dearth of bi visibility in pop culture and sports.
As bi sportswriter Jeff Rueter challenged me: “name a bisexual man, and don’t say Frank Ocean.”
These kick-ass kids are going to change that.
Biphobia is real
Let’s start here: Biphobia is real. It manifests itself in gestures as seemingly fleeting as dismissive jokes, and actions as harrowing as outright physical violence. Bisexual people typically suffer significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety, domestic violence, sexual assault, and poverty than lesbians, gay men, or straight cisgender people, according to the Human Rights Campaign.
A black-and-white society, most of us grow up with the notion people are either straight or gay. Those attitudes have historically prevailed in the LGBTQ community, too.
Alex Keuroghlian, the Director of the National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center at the Fenway Institute, says bisexual people can be looked at skeptically.
“Within LGBTQIA+ communities, there has historically been a stigma toward bisexual people, and the false notion that they’re really gay and lesbian people who haven’t accepted that about themselves,” he said.
Megan Duthart, a rower at Washington State University who identifies as both bi and queer, has experienced the stigma first-hand. She says she thinks bisexual people are often excluded in the LGBTQ community.
“I’ve struggled a little bit with being identified as an ‘other’ in the community with the term ‘bisexuality,’” she said.
Why are bi people targeted for erasure?
More people are identifying as bisexual. Over three percent of U.S. adults say they’re bi, according to the 2018 General Social Survey. That’s three times the number as 2008.
And yet, bi people are still targeted for erasure. One of the ways it happens is through language. When people see same-sex couples, for example, they may be inclined to label them as “gay” or “lesbian,” without considering that one or both of the people could identity as bi.
While Americans’ attitudes about sexuality are evolving, many still adhere to more binary definitions of sexual orientation. A recent YouGov poll found 41 percent of American adults don’t think sexuality is a spectrum (conversely, 37 percent think it is).
As Ford puts it, bisexuality is stereotypically viewed as “the stepping stone stage.” That ties into one of the more insidious aspects of bi-erasure: the belief that it’s just a phase. It’s a line Ford recalls hearing many times, from both men and women.
“(Gay men) said, ‘I came out as bisexual first. It’s just a phase, you won’t be there long,’” Ford said. “I was also scared how women would think about it. They wanted to change me. Some of them wanted to use it as a thrill they were seeking.”
When professional hockey player Zach Sullivan came out as bi, his father told him it meant he was still making up his mind.
“I remember what my dad said when I told him,” Sullivan said. “‘Well, you aren’t all the way there. You haven’t really decided.’ I was like, ‘no, I know I’m attracted to both genders. I’m not halfway towards coming out as gay.’”
The bi burden
Every LGBTQ person can relate to the fear and anxiety of coming out. But for most of us, once we do it, it’s over.
That’s not the case for bi people.
“We have to keep coming out to our significant others, whether it’s a man or a woman,” Ford said. “If you’re gay and you start dating a gay, you’re not going to be like, ‘I have to tell you something: I’m gay.’ They’re going to be like, ‘no shit.’”
And once bi people do come out, they could get charged with being greedy — the sexual equivalent of having their cake and eating it, too. The insult angers Sullivan.
“The majority of people in the LGBT+ community have struggled with their sexuality, and when they finally become comfortable enough to come out in the open with their sexuality, I don’t think the first thing to say to someone who’s come out as bisexual is they’re greedy,” Sullivan said. “I took over 10 years to get to where I am.”
Duthart finds the concept of bisexuality can be difficult to explain. She largely identifies as queer.
“I’ve had coaches question whether I’m rebelling or going through a phase,” she said. “Then when I explain the whole queer aspect, they’re like, ‘Oh, OK. That seems more justified.’ I don’t want to have to justify those things, but I sort of have to.”
Changing attitudes
Jack Storrs came out as bisexual last year as a college football captain. His teammates at Pomona-Pitzer rallied around him, and wore Pride decals on their helmets.
But even some who were supportive suggested he was on his way to identifying as gay. Storrs said he couldn’t hide his feelings for men anymore, and came out because he wanted to explore.
Maybe he was gay, maybe he wasn’t. The questions didn't bother him. He was a relieved to have the dialogue.
“It was killing me on the inside,” Storrs said. “It got to the point where I was like, ‘screw it.’ This is who I am, and this was meant to be.”
Nowadays, Storrs says he’s more towards the “gay end of the spectrum,” and expects the fluidity to continue.
He’s cool with that, and numbers show his peers are, too. Generation Z is among the most progressive and diverse in U.S. history. A 2018 study from Ipsos Mori shows only 66 percent of young people today identify exclusively as heterosexual.
Young people have a better understanding of how sexuality can evolve, says Keuroghlian.
“There’s been less of a reflex to box people in, and categorize people in ways that could be static,” he said. “A key part of all of this is not projecting behavior or projecting attraction. People tell us — they self-identify that’s who they are. And we have to honor that.”
Visibility challenges misperceptions
But to get back to Rueter’s question: can you name a famous out bisexual person besides Frank Ocean?
It’s challenging, and the lack of bi visibility may be one of the biggest contributors towards bi-erasure. But that is changing. Each person who comes out as bisexual has the ability to change perceptions within their own communities — and many young athletes are.
Bri Tollie, a bisexual college basketball player at Southern Methodist University, wrote in her coming-out story she refuses to conform.
“It is important to be visible because everyone is unique,” she wrote. “Our uniqueness means no one should not have to give up a part of themselves to conform. It is called self-respect.”
Growing up, Storrs tried to shut off his attraction to guys. He told himself it wasn’t a big deal, but the angst became all-encompassing.
Storrs is done hiding any part of himself. He did that for far too long, and is now out for all to see.
“I am bisexual, and my point is, I don’t really give a shit what anybody else thinks,” Storrs said. “This is who I am, and I don’t have to figure it out, but the reason I’m coming out is to figure it out, or at least get to a point where I’m comfortable.”
With their stories, these young bi athletes are making it more comfortable for bi people every single day.
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Hey y'all 💙💛 Just wanted to give you a brief rundown of my plans for 2022. I've been creating Fallout content since I began my Fallout 4 fic series in 2018, and I don't ever intend to leave the community unless Todd Howard personally kicks in my door, fucks my wife and takes my computer and console away. That said, I've been neglecting that series up there as of late, along with the rest of my fics. Truthfully, I'd slowed down before I started writing reactions on here, but that certainly didn't help. As I don't want to leave my stories on cliffhangers forever, I've decided that I'm going to stop writing reactions until I've finished the project that got me into the Fallout fanscape in the first place. FAQ below the cut 💛💙
Why?
Call it a New Year's resolution. I miss writing fics and I don't want them to sit unfinished forever.
How long is that going to take?
I don't know, but I originally planned The Alpha & The Omega to be a five-part fic series, and I'm almost halfway through part four. That leaves about 47 chapters to go, most of which I've already outlined. I'm setting aside time each week this year to write it, but 47 chapters at 7 to 10 pages long each is a lot of writing, plus I have a full-time job, so you do the math.
What about the request I made?
It's not going anywhere, it's just going to sit in my drafts until I get around to writing reactions again. Don't worry, it's safe there, my blog doesn't eat asks like some seem to (knock on wood). There are 74 of those suckers sitting in there at the moment though, so don't expect yours to come popping out as soon as I'm back on my bullshit.
You're not going to pepper in a reaction here and there just for kicks?
I probably will, if we're being honest. One of the ways I take breaks from writing is to write other stuff, and reactions certainly qualify as a different style of writing when compared to fic writing. It's just not going to happen that often, so don't hold your breath.
What about your art?
I'm still going to make Fallout art, but that was never on a firm schedule anyway, aside from Vaultoween. I'll be back with a new list of prompts for that this October, by the way!
I'll miss you!
I'll see you again someday in my full glory, all you vault dwellers and chosen ones and lone wanderers and couriers and sole survivors. And if you miss my writing style a bit more than usual, then check me out on AO3. In the meantime, keep on wandering the wasteland and having your own adventures 💙💛
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Kagerou Poject Reboot: RealSound Interview
Jin x Shirakami Mashirou x Yuumao
Their takes on the changes that each of them has witnessed in the past ten years and the things they have been seeing in the whirlpool that is the VOCALOID scene.
Translation commissioned by the amazing @sodasexual!
Celebrating the tenth anniversary of Kagerou Project, the Re:boot project has commenced. An interview has been carried out to ask about its background and prospects.
The ones we have interviewed are a trio consisting of the author of Kagerou Project and multi-creator Jin, as well as Shirakami Mashirou (bass) and Yuumao (drums/Hitorie), who are also production members of the original music piece and were listed as the performance team of “Children Record (Re:boot)”, which was released the other day as the first part of the Re:boot project.
We had them talk about the true intentions behind “Re:boot”, which means “to restart”, about the recordings where they created the concept of “overcoming the original composition” and about the near future, including the new song, along with the steps they have taken in the past ten years.
The “pain” that comes with creating something unprecedented.
——How did Kagerou Project’s Re:boot project begin?
Jin: Kagerou Project was set into motion back in 2011, so this year is the turning point of ten years since then. In that meantime, there were lots of things I fretted over, but as I discussed with the people around me about whether there was anything I could do, we came up with the idea of “remaking the old compositions”. I thought if that’s what we were going to do, then I wanted to try doing it with the original members of Children Record, so I contacted the two.
——How did each of you feel when Shirakami Mashirou-san and Yuumao-san received the proposal of a remake?
Jin: Regarding Mashirou-san, I was contacting him for the first in a long time. “Let’s go out for a drive,” I told him.
Shirakami: Right, right. We went on a car drive together. Just us seeing each other already felt nostalgic in itself, so we talked like normal about lots of things and were like, “Yeah, it was fun back then”. I felt that “Aah, I’m looking forward to this”.
Jin: While talking to the staff, I honestly felt uneasy about creating something new, even though it was a remake. If I had to use a word to represent these ten years in which I’ve been writing novels and making music for Kagerou Project, it was extremely “painful” to me. So I wanted to talk to Mashirou-san first-thing. On a different occasion, when a staff member asked me, “Have you been keeping in contact with Mashirou-san lately?”, I suggested, “If it’s okay, can I contact him myself?”, and then invited him for the drive. Rather than the request for the remake, I firstly wanted to discuss with him, “I’m planning on doing this thing; what do you think?”
Shirakami: There was one more person taking part in that drive, right?
Jin: That’s right. Since the coronavirus was going on, we went driving in three separate cars, and the third person was INPNE-kun, who made the video of Children Record Re:boot. That was INPINE-kun and Mashirou-san’s first meeting. At that time, INPNE-kun hadn’t started working on the video yet, but thinking back on it now, I’m glad the two of them were introduced to each other that way. It feels like our hearts bound the music and the video together.
——Yuumao-san, what about you?
Yuumao: Jin-kun and I were seeing each other constantly. I had received a request to tackle the recordings of the songs he had been making until now. Amidst that, there was a day when I received a request, amongst other matters, and was scheduled to “record Children Record”. Up to around three days before the recording, I spent my time wondering, “What’s this supposed to be?” (laughs).
——Jin-san, what did you think when choosing Shirakami-san and Yuumao-san, the original duo?
Jin: I only felt that I wanted to do it with these two. I didn’t have any other choice in the first place. I’m awfully fond of the contents that they performed in the original song, and I had no complaints other than towards my own abilities for making musical arrangements.
——You said earlier that “the past ten years were extremely painful”, but what kind of feeling was it?
Jin: The year when I began these activities, 2011, was the time when I was attending a vocational school; the band I was playing with back then disbanded midway, but by sheer coincidence, the older brother of a friend of mine was using VOCALOIDs and he taught me about them, so I really started doing it without any backing. Having played in a band until then, there was a lot of passion and many messages that I wanted to convey inside me, so this project was about me taking them and beginning to paddle off, and one of the aspects of it was that VOCALOID made the things I wanted to do into a reality. But that was a period where it felt like the VOCALOID culture wasn’t yet acknowledged. On top of that, other than the music, Kagerou Project had novels, and a lot of it had no precedents, so I believe there were parts of it that were difficult to understand for people who weren’t already into it. I didn’t know if the path I was going through was right or wrong. But the people around me kept telling me “not to take my foot off the accelerator”. In that sense, I definitely have negative memories of it. I also had the feeling that I was estranged from the music scene.
——Indeed, the music of Kagerou Project is unmistakably rock, and I believe it was something that pierced through Japan’s rock culture, but I think you might have felt that you were not understood by the rock bands of back then.
Jin: That’s right. Surprisingly, the people around me, including creators and those who were in bands, gave off an air of ridicule with a “he’s a faker” kind of nuance to it. I understood the awesomeness of rock bands, so of course, there were times when I’d wonder, “What is it that I’m doing?”. During these ten years, there was a moment halfway when I almost broke down. Due to many primary factors, I might’ve been unable to go on – like, there was a time when I found myself thinking that it was weird to keep it up while I was so at loss. There was also a period where I was unable to create anything for Kagerou Project.
——When did that happen, exactly?
Jin: Rather than breaking down all of a sudden, it’s more like I slowly became unable to create any more. Although I was being criticized on one side, I was also being demanded on another, so I was at a level where I was obligated to write. However, while all sorts of emotions were whirling up, I suddenly thought of something. There was a time when I got closure from that feeling of “not being acknowledged” that I mentioned earlier.
——When was that?
Jin: Around the time when I was making the previous album (“Mekakucity Reload”, which was released in November 2018). I was called “inexperienced” and “unskilled” not only in the rock scene but also in the light novel scene, so I made effort to sweep it all away. It felt like I was being treated like a tumor in everything I did. But then I suddenly thought, “Yeah, that’s fine”. There was a moment one day when the mists actually cleared, like, “What was I so at loss about?” It’s not like I’ve been going at it just so that someone would praise me. If anything, I lived my life constantly being made fun of. I’m no good at sports, I’m not smart, and I by no means did I ever excel at communicating with people at all. By the moment that I thought, if this is my character, then maybe being praised isn’t the only right answer, I was suddenly alleviated. If I’m being called a “child deceiver”, then I’m going to do that with all my might and apply myself to it, is what I thought. I refused to go to school for a while when I was in middle school, yet I had the feeling that I wanted to face this part of me, not in a fashionable or trendy way but in a miserable state, and fight him head-on. I guess that’s what suited me best. To me, Shirakami-san and Yuumao-san are people with a “chosen vision”. They have the sense to perceive beauty. I think I don’t have that in me. Which is why I was in pain. I was in a dilemma where I couldn’t grasp music as an art. However, it’s not like I’m making fun of hamburgers, but I started to think that I wanted to compete using something punk, something hamburger-like. It took me a while to get there.
——How do you feel after listening to what Jin-san just said, Yuumao-san and Shirakami-san?
Yuumao: Jin-kun said just now that he was “fretting” and “stuck”, but I knew about his circumstances to a certain extent, so I imagined that he was unable to move on. But while talking about all sorts of things with Jin-kun, when producing stuff in the last three to four years, we had the feeling that it basically boils down to “if we don’t provide this and that, it won’t be interesting”. This isn’t limited to KagePro – I just personally felt that the productions of his works were shifting towards not “making something good”, but rather making something that could be properly verbalized. For me, as someone on the performing side, I was also in a situation where, rather than just providing good content one way or another, I became increasingly able to explain it. In the end, we change just like that, is what I felt. And you base yourself on this to make new songs, right?
Jin: That’s right.
Yuumao: Thought so. That’s why I feel like the stuff that will come from you in the future will have stronger colors.
——Shirakami-san, what about you? How did the scenario change in the past decade and how do you think that you have been progressing as a musician?
Shirakami: The biggest change that I felt the most on my skin is that the huge Vocaloid movement itself has completely gained familiarity with the public in the last ten years. About a while after I had started associating with Mafumafu-kun, amongst the musicians that I’ve met, the number of people who came up to tell me, “I’ve been listening to Vocaloid” has increased. It’s been one round ever since we began doing this stuff, and the people who were the consumers back then became producers, is what I mean. That’s not us, the first generation – it’s a kind of follower generation, and we’ve completely permeated them. The context of what was born not only from VOCALOID but also the so-called internet culture has blended with the category named “ordinary rock bands”. That’s what I’ve been feeling for three or four years now. Therefore, the “feeling of being a knock-off” that Jin-kun innitially talked about has disappeared with the change of times, so to speak. I feel this keenly even in regards to myself and I think it’s an objective truth. However, from a personal point of view, even though changes are happening in many places, what is fundamentally required of us hasn’t changed much. For example, I believe that VTubers are also getting public familiarity now, but I think the reason why VTubers are trendy is that there are human beings underneath. For VOCALOID, too, the composers, so-called Vocalo-P’s, are the ones who get popularity, and one way or another, there’s also a phenomenom where the songs sung by popular Utaite become widespread. In the end, I think what matters is the fact that there are people behind it. I personally think we have to create stuff that we can be proud of while paying close attention to these things. In short, just because all internet content is intangible isn’t enough; we, the creators, have to carry the literacy of how society is going to approve of us.
Jin: That’s right. I think that VOCALOID music up to this point, Kagerou Project included, will have to be supplemented. Since we have words that are so easy to understand, such as “rock band”, “singer” and “songwriter”, for example, people go, “What the heck is a Vocalo-P, then?” At first, there was this impression that we were being given a weird alias by strangers, and I also felt like the adults, the people who are in control of the media, made us into something easy to digest. In regards to “deceiving children”, in order to earn money the fastest with it and make it spread the widest, the most effective method was probably to make it marketable, simple to understand and easy for adults to put labels on.
Therefore, I think that things such as “What is it that I can’t give up on?” and “What did I even want to do to begin with?” are the true identity of the realization that I mentioned earlier. It’s like wondering whether or not you can say aloud in the middle of a classroom that you “enjoy anime” or “really like cute characters”. Back in those days, I couldn’t to it at all. The class had castes. But I want to say this in a loud voice. Rather than trendy and fashionable overseas music, I much sooner believe in Summon Night EX-THESE’s theme song (“Byakuya” by Matsumoto Eiko) and other such music that I’ve always liked. Therefore, I want to start off from the fact that people think, “Aah, this guy has no sense”. It’s like I’m saying sorry to my middle school second-year self for almost forgetting the feelings I had back then. I seriously don’t care about winning. Being number one or being famous doesn’t matter at all to me. Only, I just don’t want people to act on their own accord like I’m a loser. I think that means I want to do something to fix this.
Earning recognition for creating KagePro content is still a few ways ahead.
——Back in 2013, we had a conversation between Jin-san and Suganami Eijun-san from THE BACK HORN, and back then, Jin-san said, “I’m handing bombs over to my grade school and middle school selves”. And that live concerts were the detonators.
Jin: That’s right.
——Regarding KagePro, I feel that this thing about “handing bombs over” is very prominent. Just as Shirakami-san said, VOCALOID “earned its own rights”, but in KagePro’s case, when I see the responses to the reboot, each and every one of the comments is very passionate.
Yuumao: Lately, be it with KagePro or Hitorie, the number of people who say either that they’re listening or had been listening to VOCALOID in the past year and a half has truly increased a lot. I kind of feel on my skin that many people are getting rooted in it.
——Jin-san, do you feel this too?
Jin: No, I don’t. This is a twisted way of putting it, but I think it’s a few ways ahead for us to receive that evaluation. I feel like it’s not over yet. When I started off by myself and decided to move on from my child self to the future, I wasn’t acknowledged by my elders and seniors. I feel inside me that this still isn’t over. I intend to be in a whirlpool. It hasn’t been proven yet whether I’m a knock-off or not. It makes me really happy that there are people who were influenced by us, but that opinion doesn’t make me change my mind.
——Jin-san, how do you think of KagePro in the near future?
Jin: When I look toward the future, I simply want to finish it. I will be taking my time to create content, but first things first, I want to devote myself to the completion of this project. I definitely won’t abandon it midway. I have this firmly in mind now. As for its contents, it’s mainly two things. For now, firstly, we have started the reboot from Children Record, but of course, there’s also a reboot for the project’s story. Moreover, there will be new developments coming next. There are also new songs and new stuff story-wise. And I want to do them with these two members, for as much as they allow. There’s the possibility that I’ll be making the drums play at 200 BPM when we’re in our 50’s. I think the announcements will be slow, but I’m very positive about this, so I myself am looking forward to it too. And, on the other hand, I also would like to ask these two for their ideas in regards to making music for this project and their opinions, like what they want to work hard on.
——What do you mean?
Jin: I honestly think that Children Record was extremely well-done. When it comes to creating something new, I want to destroy the approach that I’ve been using until now. How about it?
Shirakami: If we’re talking about approach, I believe we’ve been witnessing all sorts of possibilities. We went to studios together the past ten years for that, but we can also do it online like we did this time. Ah, we haven’t gone on a training camp yet.
Jin: I want to go on one.
Yuumao: For sure.
Shirakami: That might be interesting too. Now, if we’re talking just about the bass, it seems this production will turn out as one where I’ll get to confirm once again up to what point I can go – that’s what I thought when listening to you talk. I think the stance of trying to challenge yourself no matter how much you age is, of course, the way that musicians should be and I believe that challenging myself is the path I’m going to take, but there are genres, ideologies and aestheticss when it comes to music makers and performers. Personally, amongst the things that I’ve been producing together with Jin-kun until now, whenever we had a subject in front of us, we would only think about how to do our utmost to give a displayable form to it, but be it with the phrasing, nuance or melody, I feel like we have options for all of them. In a sense, there’s a side of Yuumao and I that has been branded as performers as we worked on productions with Jin-kun. So the extension of the straight line that we have been charting until now is, of course, still there. Now that ten years have passed, if I can make new songs with you from now on, I seriously think it might be okay to reflect once again on how my style is being processed. It’s as if it has matured. I have chosen this job out of free will, so one way or another, I’m aware that it’ll be important to keep polishing it from now onwards.
Jin: Thank you very much. That’s literally it. Even in the current Children Record, I think there’s some aspect of it that was made up from the minds of you two, the rhythm section members. Both Mashirou-san and Yuumao-san make new proposals every time. You never try to trace the past at all. The way you think about sound is insanely serious.
Yuumao: I’m planning to do my best to create sounds in a more loose manner from now on. As for what I mean by “loose”, to put it simply, I think it’s quite important to be inspired by present-time musical instruments, and that we get influence from that, when we’re making the sound details. I think it’s bad if we don’t accept and face these things. In particular, I believe that the bass and drums are the parts that change the most. KagePro won’t change yet it has changed, and I think we should keep bringing out that aspect of it.
――Indeed, as a concept, this reboot is not something made to arrange things in a completely different direction from before. Be it a ballad or programmed music, for instance, there would be nothing of that in it. It’s a remake, a rebuild – at any rate, it felt like you are building it up.
Jin: Thank you very much. In the end, we also shouldn’t think that we just perfomed it over again. So it felt like a rematch. We were all at home, but we did that recording ready to beat our selves from about eight years ago. What should I do to make the original members say that this one “was cooler” than the precious song called Children Record? I think I was able to find an answer to that one.
Shirakami: In a way, using VOCALOID might have been its forte. For example, whenever a band remade a song from ten years ago, I usually felt that “the vocals have none of the freshness that they had back then” or “the reckless feel from that time was better”. But because it’s VOCALOID, that part doesn’t change. It might be that we managed to grant positive changes only to the good points.
Jin: I see. I think that’s possible. My mindset this time was to play the guitar so much that my fingers would bleed. I want to take on more challenges from now onward too.
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100 ways to say ‘I love you’ Christmas Edition [bucky barnes]
Summary: it’s pretty self explanatory, I guess. (FLUFF) 1.6k
Warnings: absolutely none, just Bucky being cute, awkward and madly in love with you!!
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In 2018, you were in Namibia, hunting down an American terrorist that had been on the run for the better part of the year. In 2019, the avengers were scattered around the globe, executing a 'shoot first, ask questions later' type of mission that ended long after the new year began. But this year, all of your friends were home. For the first time in years, the Stark Tower was shining from top to bottom with Christmas lights, carols echoing down all of its long, secluded hallways. It was the first time you'd get to actually spend the night of 24th of December with your true family. That is, if you made it in time. Back on December 19th, you and Bucky got stuck in the depths of Louisiana, with absolutely no means of communication, let alone transportation. You decided to make the best out of the situation and turn it into a road trip, but time flew by so much faster than expected, that it was now 2:13 pm on Christmas eve, and you and Bucky were sprinting down the snow covered empty highways of the east coast, dead set on making it home in time. He wasn't that eager to get back and tried to get you to rent a hotel room and spend the night alone, but you weren't having it. He huffed and puffed about not giving a shit about Christmas, but it was the first one he could celebrate with people that loved him, in over 70 years. With every motel that you passed, he'd turn and look at you from the passenger seat, begging you to stop. You didn't even consider it. You wanted him to have the full Christmas experience. A storm was brewing and you were whiteknuckling the steering wheel, fighting back the urge to yawn for the 3rd time in the last 10 minutes. After driving for 7 hours straight, you were close to passing out, but nowhere near ready to give up. "Pull over, love" he smiled, grabbing your thigh, "Let me drive. I'll wake you up when we arrive"
-
And of course Bucky refused to decorate. You spent the better half of the day rummaging through boxes and looking up diy tutorials on the Internet, doing your absolute best to make your bedroom as cozy and Christmasy as possible. Candles were scattered all over the furniture, their soft light and delicate cinnamon scent filling up the room, a small Santa Claus figurine was sitting neatly by the window, garlands dripped from every corner and your Christmas playlist was on shuffle for probably the 4th time that day. As you kept busy, lowkey exasperated whenever one ornament didn't fit in as planned, Bucky laid on the bed, making nasty comments with every chance he got. He complained about the music, said the room was too hot, that the candles made his nose feel funny and not for a second did he stop begging you to drop the fucking decorating and join him in bed. You didn't wanna hear it. You kept going, bringing in box after box of ornaments, each one making Bucky more and more frustrated.
"Buck!" you whined, turning around in your hands a little remote controlled reindeer. "His leg is stuck... he keeps falling"
"Throw it into the trash" he scoffed, plopping down on his back and hiding his face in the crook of his elbow.
Of course you didn't listen to him. "No..." you mumbled, more to yourself. You sounded like a child, but you didn't care. Instead, you just sat down on the edge of the bed, all your attention focused on the broken toy in your hands, "I'll fix it somehow"
"Just throw the goddamned thing away, Y/n" he groaned, "Only on my nightstand there are other 3. We got enough"
You just shook your head, focused on getting the reindeer to walk again. It was no use. You got no utensils and your nails were threatening to break as you kept trying to open up his battery container. 5 minutes of painful silence followed, ending with you finally giving up, "I'll just put something under his leg and use it as a decoration" you whimpered, legitimately heartbroken over the toy.
"Fuck, just come here. Give it to me. I'll fix the damn thing for you"
Your heart swelled up, "Really?"
"Yeah..." Bucky sighed, grabbing a screwdriver out of his nightstand and picking up the toy. "Master assassin and I'm fixing toys" he mumbled under his breath and you couldn't help but wrap your arms around him and kiss his cheek.
-
Your version of paradise started just when you arrived at the tower on Christmas Eve. Bucky did as promised and then offered you a weak smile, full of warmth as he helped you out of the car when he parked in front of the Tower. You were beaming with excitement for the days that were to come. When the next morning arrived, you were sipping your coffee on the balcony, waiting for everyone to wake up so that you could all start unwrapping the presents. When the door opened you didn't expect Bucky to come out, as he never - ever, failed to sleep until noon, if given the chance. But there he was, wrapped in one of your comfy blankets, padding over to you with a coffee mug in his hand. When he reached you, he opened his arms and welcomed you against his chest, closing his hold around your body and engulfing you in the warmth of the blanket. It didn't take long until you noticed the little paper bag lodged under the elastic of his sweats, and when you asked about it, he cursed himself for ruining the surprise. He handed you the bag, and urged you to open it, insisting that it wasn't your present. When you did, your eyes landed on a knitted bunny clutching a heart to its chest. "An old lady was selling these a few weeks ago at a boutique I saw while waiting for you to meet me. I know you love to call me Bucky Bunny because you know how much I hate it. I forgot about it and came across it this morning at the bottom of my bag while searching for my charger. Now I think its stupid, a dumb rabbit and his eyes are a little bit fucked up, but he's cute and it reminded me of you, so here you go"
-
As much love as some of you had for the holiday, it still wasn't enough to convince the whole group to actually watch a Christmas movie. So, in true avenger spirit, you all decided to watch Terminator. After finishing dinner, you all scattered around the Tower. Some people left to change in more comfortable clothes, some helped clean up the kitchen, and some, like Bucky and Thor, remained in the living room, plopped in the middle of the couch, fangirling over Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting and the great sense of humour of the 90s. Eventually everyone gathered around them, you and Wanda being the last ones to show up. She cuddled against Vision's side, but Bucky was lodged in between Thor and Steve, and there was no way you'd ever ask any of them to move. Seeing you eye an open spot, Bucky waved you over as he stood up. "Here, take my seat". You wanted to object but he didn't want to hear it. Eventually, you sat down, and so did he, on the floor, right in front of you. Nonchalantly, Bucky pulled your legs apart and settled between them, with his back against the couch. He gathered your Christmas themed sock clad feet into his lap and rested his head against your knee as the movie began.
-
And like any other Christmas dinner, of course yours wasn't an exception. Natasha's recipe for apple pie was by definition the best that ever blessed the earth and none of the attendees was any stranger to that. Considering how many of you there were, as you made a point of spending the end of the year together, 2 batches had to be made. It was hectic, everyone fuzzing around the Tower, preparations on tow the whole day. And of course there would be repercussions for the chaotic atmosphere, but you'd only find out about them later. After burning through the first meal courses of the evening, it was finally time for her sweet delicacy to grace the table. Natasha neatly placed the two pies on either end of the table, proudly announcing you could all dig in. Bucky was seated to your right, and he unlike you, managed to grab a piece of pie from the first batch. You didn't think too much of it, until you started eating yours, only to realise the bottom was burned. Despite all of you trying to assure Natasha that it was not her fault and that she shouldn't beat herself up about it, she promised she'd make another one tomorrow. The night carried on as planned, but no matter how much you tried to push away the thought, you couldn't help but feel bitter about missing out on the good pie. Just when you were about to come to your senses and realise what a dumb reason for you to get upset that was, Bucky sent you text, asking you to come to the bedroom. Curious as to what this could have been about, you hurried upstairs and burst into the room, nearly crashing into Bucky's chest. He slammed the door behind you and handed you his plate - his slice of pie only halfway eaten. "I saved you a piece. These are jackals, I had to hide it. Dig in before anyone comes!"
-
On December 27th the buzz was starting to die down. When you put up the lights in your bedroom, Bucky said they could stay on for two days and two days only, and you reluctantly agreed to make a compromise. Just this time. The time to turn them off came last night, and since he offered to let them on until the morning, you felt like an unreasonable little shit if you were to ask him to turn them on again. It was about 7pm and you were two seasons deep in The X Files, and Wanda asked for your help. Bucky pulled out his phone and assured you he wouldn't watch ahead until you got back. It took you about 30 to help your friend with her problem, and when you returned to your room, confusion washed over you. The Christmas lights were on and Bucky was nowhere to be seen. "Fuck" he grunted.
You turned around to see him behind you, standing in the doorway, two cocoa mugs in his hands, "I made these cause I know you like them. And I wanted to surprise you with the lights but vision is a dumbass and forgot to text me and tell me when you were almost done"
"So she didn't actually need help folding the bed sheets?" you laughed, endeared by his antics.
"Of course she didn't" Bucky shook his head, handing you one of the mugs, "She's not an imbecile"
"Oh my god" you giggled in disbelief as you sat down on the bed.
"I'll squirt shit nuggets out of my ass for two days, so please tell me at least I got the recipe right"
He was so adorable, anxiously waiting for you to taste the cocoa he just made. "It's so good!" you rolled your eyes in pleasure, taking another sip, "Thank you, you're too sweet, Buck"
"Yeah, I know-" he chuckled, grabbing the mug from your palm and placing it on the nightstand. "I got one more present for you. Close your eyes and hold out your hands"
"No, Buck-" you whined, "I didn't get you anything else-"
He dismissed your words in an instant and kissed your lips, before guiding your hands up. You opened them up and closed your eyes, curious about what he could have gotten you. First, you heard him shuffle around the bed, and then you felt something rather itchy touch your palms. You nearly burst into laughter when you realised it was his chin.
"Ok, open your eyes"
And as you did so, your eyes landed on Bucky's face, as he had placed his head on your hands. He was wearing a tiara with reindeer ears, and you couldn't help but laugh out loud.
"You're my present?" you beamed, throwing yourself against his chest.
"My face is the present-" he corrected you. "Guess what it does. Take your leggings off and you'll find out"
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𝓜𝓲𝓭𝓷𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓯𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼
Title: “Midnight Confessions”
Author’s Note: One of the final three (3) requests I have from 2018, this particular scenario is something I’ve wanted to write for a while. I absolutely love this plot device, no matter how cliché or overused it may be. I hope you guys enjoy this and have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. To the anonymous requester, I hope you see this. I really wanted to bring justice to your idea, even if it’s more than two years late.
Request: “Could u possibly do something where the reader and McCree share a bed on a mission (or maybe they just get hurt and r resting) and McCree lays w/ them n stuff and while they’re “sleeping” he confesses his love and that he’s scared to love but it turns out they heard the whole thing ? if not that’s fine, thank u! I love ur writing!” - Anon
Rating/Pairing:
Jesse McCree/Reader
Fluff & Brief Angst; GA (General Audiences)
2nd Person, Gender Neutral
Warnings: None.
Word Count: 2.2k | Added a “read more” due to the length.
When operations go wrong, there’s little that can be done to reverse the initial mistake. Not only are lives put on the line, but so too are relationships and the foundations of friendship. Being under constant fire, unable to reach backup or safety, really wears down the body and mind. Though some may find a thrill in it, eventually that too wears away.
In your case, you had been pinned down for nearly an hour. Though your position had been defensible, it was on track to becoming more of a hazard than anything else. It wasn’t clear who was to blame for the mishap, everything having happened so fast, but one moment the team you were apart of was working together and the next you were alone with Jesse McCree.
Sighing, you pressed your back to a stone wall. It was one of the only walls that sheltered you from the flying bullets and sniper fire. Jesse was crouched across from you, trying his best to peer around the corner for the next viable bit of cover.
You picked up your earpiece, taking it from the place it had fallen when you had run for cover. Quickly bringing up two of your fingers, you activated the line. “Commander? Commander are you there?”
Jesse spared you a glance, worry in his eyes as he took in your features, before turning back to make sure no one had advanced on your position. There was a faint crackle of static before your attempt at communication was answered.
“I’m here, agent.” Reyes’ voice was rough and you could hear the noise of gunfire through his link. “What’s your status?”
You knew that he could hear the gunfire on your end as you answered. “We’re pinned down, I don’t think McCree and I will be able to get to you.”
Reyes cursed under his breath before answering. “Everyone’s on board. We’re ready to get the hell out of here. This aircraft has taken too much damage for us to wait any longer. We’ll give you as much cover as possible, but you two are gonna have to get yourselves out of there. Figure out how to get somewhere safe, you know the drill, agent.”
McCree, whose communications system was linked to yours, nodded. You could see he was too focused to give a verbal answer, so you kept speaking. “Copy that. We’re ready when you are.”
__________
“We’ll keep in touch, agent.” The words ran through your head over and over again, even opened the door in front of you.
After Reyes had provided enough aerial cover for you and McCree to get to safety, you had both gone to the nearest safe house. Each assignment Blackwatch, or Overwatch, gave its agents was well thought out and discussed. Drop sites that were busy had cheap motels or hostels listed in their information packets, or predetermined safe houses when the locations were more secluded. In this case, it was a secluded safe house. The information sheet you had pulled up earlier made mention of a stocked kitchen, running water, and first aid supplies. What it had failed to tell you was how small the place would be.
It was practically a one room flat in the form of a cabin. Half walls separated the less private rooms, with only the bedroom and bathroom having proper privacy. The rooms were cold, the thermostat untouched for a long time, but it would do.
Flicking on a light switch, you watched as the florescent bulbs lit up the kitchenet and living space nearest the door. A deep sigh escaped you as you finally allowed your body to relax, dropping the small bag on your shoulder near the door. “Well, Cowboy, this is home for the next 48 hours.”
The brunette man behind you had the decency not to laugh as he made his way past you. “Seems so, sugar. You can take the bathroom first, I’ll take a look ‘n’ find somethin’ for-”
“Us to change into. I know. You talked about showering and getting your wounds dressed the entire way here, Jesse.” You said, smiling despite the pain of your split lip, as you went to find bath supplies.
“Wasn’t aware I talked so much.” He laughed, shaking his head and making his way to the bedroom.
“You always talk, Jesse.” You were already halfway into the bathroom, a towel in hand, when you heard him laugh in reply.
You took your time removing your armor and torn, military grade suit. It wasn’t often that you came out of a skirmish so battered, so the shock didn’t fully register until you’d locked yourself in the room alone. Sighing, you focused on getting out of you clothes and tried to ignore the sounds of bullets echoing in your head. It was more painful a process than you’d expected, as you’d gotten grazed by more bullets and scraped by more gravel than you cared to admit.
Just as you let out a hiss, there came a knock on the bathroom door. You heard Jesse’s spurs jangle before he spoke. “You alright, darlin’? I left some clothes out on a chair here.”
You called out, “Just fine, Jesse! Thank you, I’ll grab them on my way out.”
“Sure thing.” He smiled as he spoke, and though you couldn’t see it, you could hear it in voice.
It made you smile as well, knowing you had your best friend looking out for you. The longer you thought about Jesse and his kindness, his thoughtful but flirty nature, the more your cheeks reddened and stomach fluttered. You’d harbored feelings for the modern gunslinger for a long time, nearly as long as you’d been friends. It was something you kept to yourself, mainly because of Blackwatch’s strict dating guidelines for its agents. Stepping into the shower, you knew the next 48 hours would be tough to get through.
_________
Stepping out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, you found yourself staring directly at the bare chest of your cowboy partner. “Jesse.”
“Darlin’.” The smile on his face grew, becoming a large smirk, as he noticed the blush across your face. “Clothes are over there. Mind gettin’ out o’ the way? Man’s got to shower just as much as the next person.”
You shook your head, blinking quickly as you looked back at his face. “You’re the one in my way, Jesse.”
Chuckling, he stepped aside and let you grab the clothes before heading into the bathroom. The image of his bare chest replayed in your mind as you dressed, despite you having seen him that way before. Jesse was built well, sturdy and muscular. His body had definition and flexed with strength when he moved. Slim, muscled, and padded in just the right places, you’d say. Attractive. That’s what it was. Jesse had an attractive body and personality.
Perhaps that’s why you’d spent so long harboring feelings for him, when you could have tried getting over it. Jesse was a good man, though he had his flaws, and he was always kind to you. He had been your first friend in Blackwatch, your first confidant. You’d been thick as thieves for the longest time, attached at the hip. You’d known him for so long, that it hadn’t been a surprise to you that you found his body similarly attractive. It had been painful to watch him go through relationships and flings, wishing one day he would chose you and stay.
Sighing, you tried to get rid of those intrusive thoughts by taking care of your injuries. Knowing Jesse McCree so well also meant knowing his trouble with commitment and genuine emotion. He got scared, you could easily tell, and pushed people away when they got close. He may have been worth it, worth the bumps in the road, but no one else knew him enough to know that. Not like you did.
Clink. Clink. Clink. Your thoughts were interrupted by McCree coming out of the shower, fully dressed, and fiddling with his peacekeeper. He seemed to have taken care of his flesh wounds while in the bathroom, a couple bandages visible beneath the black shirt he wore. His damp hair stuck to his forehead, no hat on his head, and accentuated the small cut running down his temple.
He barely looked up as he stopped in the doorway. “Darlin’-”, He started.
You shook your head, standing to take his pistol from his grip. “Let me look at that cut, Jesse.”
Looking up at you, he gave you a gentle smile. “No need, darlin’, it’s not very deep. Ought to heal like a charm.”
“No, sir, can’t have that getting infected now. Besides,” You glanced at the only, small bed in the room and then at the couch just beyond the doorway to the room. “We can talk about sleeping arrangements as I do.”
Wordlessly, he sat at the edge of the bed and let you get to work. “You know, that couch is old.”
“Mhm,” You focused on your task, making sure to pay attention to his words nonetheless. “It’ll likely be a back killer.”
“Absolutely. Reckon I should take it.” He moved his head a little, wincing at the pressure you put against the cut.
“I have the better back, Jess.”
“Sure, but we wanna keep it that way. ‘Sides, I wouldn’t be much o’ a gentleman if I let you take it, would I?” His comment made you laugh and he smiled at you, glad to see you so happy.
“Stuck in the West again? Acts of chivalry are rare nowadays, Jess.” You said and pulled your hands away from his face, finished with your work.
“We could share.” His suggestion threw you off, especially when you saw he wasn’t joking.
“You sure?” Your voice was a little nervous as you spoke, something he picked up on.
“As the day I was born. Only if you’re comfortable, darlin’.”
“Yeah. Okay,” You smiled, helping him to his feet.
________
Jesse was wide awake, his thoughts running a mile an hour. On his back, he could feel where your back met his side, he could feel each even breath you took. He didn’t have any reason to suspect you were awake. You lay facing away from him, eyelids heavy, breath even, and mind somewhere else. He assumed you’d fallen asleep.
With a soft sigh, he pulled his hands from behind his head and turned around. He tried his best not to wake you, keeping his chest from being flush against your back. He tried his best to keep his hands from touching you, but couldn’t help it when he reached up to brush some hair out of your face. It caught your attention, but you didn’t move, too sleepy to care. You just listened as he sighed once more and shifted just a little closer.
“Darlin’,” He whispered. “I’ve gotten ‘round to thinkin’...”
He paused, almost as if trying to convince himself to stop talking. “I’ve been thinkin’, and I can’t live without you. I’m scared. I’ve loved you for so long now but I’m jus’ so afraid. I could’ve lost you today. I don’t know what went wrong, I don’t want that fear of not knowing in my heart, but I ain’t strong enough to tell you-”
He took a deep, steadying breath before reaching out to you. He wrapped his arm around your waist and, carefully so as to not ‘wake’ you, pulled you completely into him. “Look at me. Confessin’ in the dark while you sleep, not hearin’ a word. It’s pathetic. Truth is, no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to say the words to your face. I want to look at you and say it, I want to keep you close, but I’m a coward. I’ve never been the type of man to commit to no one like that. I don’t think I’m the kind of man to love like that. Never have been. But damn, darlin’, if I can’t help wantin’ that with you. Want to keep you safe, by my side, always, but... but I ain’t the type of man worthy of you like that...”
He trailed off and you, now wide awake, could feel small drops of water hit the back of your neck. Jesse McCree, the strong, charming cowboy was crying. It broke your heart, so much so that all the words you’d thought to say to him left your mind. He was so worth it, so much more than he gave himself credit for, and you loved him. Just as he was.
Turning around, you watched his face mold from sorrow into shock. He tried speaking, but you didn’t give him the chance, “Darlin’-”
Your lips met his before he could utter any more words. It was a soft, emotional kiss that tasted of salt. His tears fell harder, and you only pulled away to hug him closer. Wrapping your arms around him and locking your legs together, you didn’t have to say much to get him to hear you.
“You are my everything, Jesse. I’ve always loved you.”
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Let's make a playlist of your favorite songs
Cassie Lang x Male Reader Stark
Request - Can you do Cassie lang x Stark!reader where he and cassie are the same age since they are born in 2007 and should be 16 in 2023. R is Tony's son and survived the snap. Before the snap he was best friend with Peter and ned when he was like a kid and the three of them hang out. Plue Y/n and peter do like spiderman ideas. After the snap he was living with Tony, pepper, and his little sister in the lakeside cabin. In the year 2021 he got bitten by a radioactive spider but has an alchemax logo and number 42.
Since you were a toddler you have been friends with Peter and Ned. Always together playing together. Even during high school, you didn't lose your friendship with Ned and Peter. You have always been into creating music and art, sometimes you would like to tag the buildings and the trains. Only, Peter and Ned knew they are your supporters.
Sometimes you and Peter would do parkour. You and Peter have sketchbooks and notes of being a hero and being called ’Spiderman’
You, Peter, and Ned never left each other side. People always saw you three spend time together all the time.
-----
Spring 2018... 50% of the population disappeared. The older you got, you started to study what happened during the fight against Thanos. You collected notes, hacked into your father’s computer and his friends’ computers then into Shields.
You survived the snap when you found out what happened it broke you. You cried when Peter didn't survive, or when your dad is stuck in space. You would spend hours in your father’s lab and look at his stuff.
”Y/N, I knew you would be here. You are like Tony can work on something for hours or days” Pepper said.
She put her hand on your shoulder.
”I miss him and Peter,” You said.
”I miss them too. You should see Ned, he came by earlier” Pepper said.
You nod.
”I will go see him. *sighed heavily* I want Thanos to suffer” You said.
”One day he will,” Pepper said and she kissed your head.
Later, you went to see Ned. Ned did give you new ideas for your spiderman gadgets so it won't break half of the time. You and Ned start to work together on it.
✬ ✫ ✯ ✬
The year 2021...
You walked through the alley for a short cut. You dropped your cell phone, you bend down to pick up. You stood up and checked your phone while walking you hit a web. You tried to get rid of the web and you didn't notice the radioactive spider crawl on your shoulder and bite your neck.
”What the hell?” You yelled.
You rub your neck then noticed the radioactive spider on your forearm. You noticed the spider has an alchemax logo and number 42.
”You are coming home with me” You mumbled.
You went home and straight to the lab. You put the spider in a small tank and watched it move around.
-----
The next day you woke up feeling strange. You couldn't explain it, you are in shock just seeing electricity go through your hands. You start to breathe hard and your heart started to beat fast. You go to the bathroom to wash your face suddenly you turned invisible.
”I have powers!” You yelled.
Your mood changed, now you are happy that you have powers. You always dreamt of being a hero and having powers, you couldn't stop smiling. You called Ned and told him to meet you at your house. Ned did help you figure out what kind of powers you have.
----
You stare at your father’s suits and you thought about using them. But you wanted to make your identity as a hero, you want to give people hope again.
the first suit you made with Ned it's an armored suit. Ned helped you pick out the colors red, white, and black. When Ned saw you wearing the armor suit, he freaked out.
”Dude, it's awesome! You will be the coolest hero ever” Ned said.
”Thanks. I can't wait to go to the city and start saving people” You said.
You and Ned high five each other. You go to the city and start saving people. Everyone started to talk about the new hero on tv and the Internet, you felt proud of yourself.
✬ ✫ ✯ ✬
Being a hero wasn't easy for you. You found out working alone is hard, some people didn't like what you are doing. Other people do cheer for you. Balancing life and being a hero is very hard. But you got an idea and you worked day and night to make the app called ’Friendly Neighborhood 1.0’
People can report crimes and you will go save them and keep you in the loop, what happens in the city.
Today is slow and no one is in trouble. You decided to go tag some places. You swing to an abandoned building, you take out the spray cans, and started to draw. You stopped to put on your headphones then you started to draw again. Once you are finished you took pictures then tagged the subways.
----
You got an alert on your app, gang gun shoots in downtown. You started to swing fast and you see people caught in the crossfire. You started to venom blast to fight them and you used your web to take their guns away. You noticed the boy is deaf and you started to do sign language and he smiled.
”You know sign language?” Cassie asked.
You nod. ” Yes. I thought to learn so I can communicate with someone who is deaf”
You asked questions to the boy and you're glad he isn't hurt.
”I’m Cassie and this is Roger,” Cassie said.
”I’m Spiderman,” You said and it in sign language.
Later on...
You and Cassie became friends. She found out your secret when your mask fell apart while fighting Kraven the Hunter. Sometimes you would swing to her place to see her. She would always smile when you're around.
---
Cassie noticed you set a spider-free and didn't kill it.
”I hate spiders I don't know how you stand them,” Cassie said.
”it was a harmless spider. I don't feel scared when bugs are around” You said.
”I hate all kinds of bugs. But it's cute, you liking bugs and not killing them, bug boy” Cassie smiled.
You laughed and smiled back at her.
”Bug boy?” You asked.
She nods.
”Your new nickname” Cassie giggled.
”Thanks for the nickname?” You giggled.
”Anytime, Y/N” Cassie smiled.
~The next day~
Cassie went to your house. She met Pepper then Cassie goes to your bedroom. Cassie didn't say anything, she watches you make beats and you started to sing, you have your headphones on. She kept watching you and you keep making beats. She tapped your shoulder and you looked up, your eyes opened wide.
”Cas!” You said too loud.
”Hi Bug boy. You are talented” Cassie said.
”Thanks. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in” You said.
”So, you're into music?” Cassie asked.
”Yes, also I'm into art. If you want I-I-I can show you my work” You said shyly.
”I will like to see it, Y/N,” Cassie said.
”Cool!” You said.
You grabbed your sketchbook and she starts to look at your art.
✬ ✫ ✯ ✬
The year 2022
You told Cassie you wanted to upgrade and design a new suit. Again Cassie caught you making beats this time you teach her how to make beats.
”This is fun, Y/N,” Cassie said.
”I’m happy that you're enjoying making beats,” You said.
”Y/N aren't you scared when you swing around the city?” Cassie asked.
”At the very beginning, I was terrified when I would swing and jump from extremely tall buildings. Much later on, the fear went away so I'm not scared anymore. If you want you can swing with me around the city” You said.
”Okay. That would be an interesting experience, but yeah let's do it. Oh, I got an idea how your suit can look” Cassie said.
”Tell me,” You said.
Cassie started to explain how your suit should look with what colors. Music is the main inspiration for your suit 2020.
----
You are standing on the roof with Cassie. She wrapped her arms around you very tight.
”Ready?” You asked.
”Y-yes,” Cassie said.
You hold her tight and you start to swing. Cassie’s heart is beating faster and faster, you feel her grip tighten. You keep swinging and you noticed how scared she is. You stopped on top of the hotel building.
”Are you okay?” You asked.
She put her hand on her chest.
”No!” Cassie yelled.
You laughed and she smacked your arm.
”I’m guessing you had fun?” You teased.
”I got scared halfway. I thought I was going to fall, I don't know you get used to that” Cassie said.
”Takes time. I got over my fear the more I started to swing” You said.
”I won't do it again,” Cassie said and you laughed.
----
Cassie is sick and you went to buy soup for her. You knocked on her window, she opened it and let you in then you take off the mask.
”I got this for you, Cassie,” You said.
”Thank you, Y/N” Cassie smiled.
”Cassie, I know we been friends for a while but I really like you a lot and I hope we can be more than friends,” You said.
”Y/N, I like you too a lot. I would kiss you but I don't want you to get sick” Cassie said.
You smiled and she sneezed.
You and Cassie do spend time together mostly watching tv or movies. Cassie finds it sweet that you're taking care of her. You gave her medicine and reheat the soup. Later, you and Cassie do play board games, video games and asked questions about each other.
You noticed Cassie has in her bedroom for a while. You go upstairs and you can hear her crying
You sit next to her on the bed ”Cas, what's wrong?”
”I miss my dad so much” Cassie cried.
You wrapped your arms around her and she starts to cry more. You rub her back and you listen to her.
You did try to make her feel better worked for a little bit, but she is still feeling depressed. You stayed with her all-day
✬ ✫ ✯ ✬
Finally, your 2020 suit is complete. You can't stop smiling and start to put on the suit. The led mask, you loved it when Cassie told you about it. You got an alert on your app
”Time to test out the suit,” You said.
”Be careful, Y/N” Cassie said.
”I will,” You said.
Cassie watched you swing away.
You were busy saving people, Doctor Octopus and Kraven the Hunter kidnapped Cassie. They sent you a message and you got angry. You started to swing rapidly to Doctor Octopus’s lab. Cassie is tied up in a chair and she is feeling terrified.
You start to fight them. You used venom blast to punch Kraven, then Doctor Octopus grabbed you. Kraven punched you then you kicked him in the face and you used your web to cover Doctor Octopus’s face. You turned invisible and you started to fight them.
----
You grabbed Cassie and left the lab. You stopped on a roof and she hugged you tight then she smacked your chest.
”What was that for?!” You yelled.
”You know I hate it,” Cassie said.
”I’m not a speedster. I had to swing us away from them” You said.
You take off the mask.
”I know but I still hate it,” Cassie said.
Cassie started to ramble on then you did the same ramble on. She kissed you and you kiss her back, you and Cassie pulled apart and smiled. It's the first kiss.
✬ ✫ ✯ ✬
Time Skip~
Everything changed for the best. You found out Tony came back from space, you ran to him and hugged him.
”I missed you, dad,” You said
He kissed your head and held you tight.
”I love you 3000, Y/N,” Tony said.
Peter came back and he hugged you and Ned. Ned told everyone by mistake you are dating Cassie. No one knew about the relationship just yet.
”Sorry, bro,” Ned said.
”When we will get to meet her, Y/N,” Tony said.
”Soon, dad. Don't worry about it, Ned” You said.
You celebrated with everyone and you can't stop smiling.
----
You and your family moved to the woods, now live in a cabin. Now it feels like a family and you don't want that to change. Your little sister started to scream and ran towards Pepper.
”Why do you have a pet spider?” Tony asked.
”I hate spiders,” Morgan said.
Pepper was going to kill your pet but you stopped her.
”Stop!” You yelled.
The spider is in your hands.
”The spider is my pet. I got used to him being around” You said.
”Y/N, I will never understand why. But please just keep him in the cage” Pepper said.
”I will,” You said.
You go to your bedroom and put the spider in the tank. You feed him and just watch him.
✬ ✫ ✯ ✬
Date Night...
You arrived with pizza and she kissed you. You and Cassie played videos and it became competitive. You were going to take her out, but there is a rainstorm. The night is going well, she is having fun with you. You and Cassie eat pizza and started to debate what is the best movie and worst movie.
Later, you and Cassie started to play Uno but you and Cassie argued about the rules. You and Cassie eat more pizza and tried to play Uno again. Later, you and Cassie watched a movie on the couch, but end up falling asleep.
----
Scott found out what happened, he is in shock. He rushed home and knocked on the door. Cassie opened the door, they start to cry and they hugged each other. You did spend the night at her place, then Cassie introduces you to Scott.
“Wait, you're Tony’s son!?” Scott said.
“Yeah, I'm his son,” You said.
“Hurt my daughter and I will go after you,” Scott said.
“Dad!” Cassie yelled.
“I won't break her heart,” You said.
“I will keep my eye on you, Y/N,” Scott said.
“UGH!” Cassie mumbled.
Later, Scott joined you and Cassie for breakfast.
---
Later, you meet up with Peter to show him your 2020 suit. Peter is loving the suit and asked many questions about how you build your suit. You and Peter worked together to save people.
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HIRAETH
Chapter 6
Main Masterlist
At 19, Christine never expected to be where she currently was. Instead of spending her time at college parties or planning out her marriage (something her parents wished for her to do), she was attempting to run away.
She just wanted to do her own thing. She was tired of trying to fit everyone’s standard of who they wanted her to be. She was tired of considering everyone’s thoughts and feelings and opinions except her own.
Christine was just utterly exhausted.
There was only so much more she could take until she snapped.
-
At age 21, Christine began to make a name for herself.
At first, it was making street medicine. When people caught wind of what she was doing, many were crawling towards her, desperate to do her bidding and help themselves grow as well.
It was where she first started really. One person suggested the idea of making it a small gang and everything just seemed to grow from there.
The gang developed from street deals into the very beginnings of a whole cartel within just a year. With that ‘pre-cartel’ brought a lot of enemies and people who were envious of Christine’s success.
She doesn’t think she’ll ever forget how her first taste of revenge felt.
On October 31, 1996, someone thought it would be a good idea to try and sabotage her. Christine had been sabotaged one too many times whether that be self-sabotage or by a member of her previous community.
The fact that they thought they could trick her--that they thought she was so foolish. It made her angry. Absolutely livid.
The woman watched as her henchmen dragged in the scum by the shoulders and dropped him on the floor. She watched them kick him in his ribs. She heard each satisfying pop of his bones.
She watched as her right-hand men forced him to stand. And then, she watched him slit his throat with a kitchen knife.
Christine remembered tilting her head, watching the man bleed out. Then, she grinned.
Watching him suffer made her happy. What a great birthday that was.
-
It was December 31, 1998.
Christine had thrown a party for the New Year. Her place was filled to the brim with high-up partners and clients. Strobe lights flashed and the floor vibrated with the bass of the music.
She had just pushed one of her wing-women against the wall, nipping at her neck. It wasn’t uncommon for her and Adeen to mess around every once in a while. It was a great stress reliever in their opinion.
At the entrance, two bulky men stalked in, looking as if they were hunting for their next meal.
They searched the dance floor, trying to avoid the sweaty bodies and sky-high patrons who could barely stand on their two feet.
Just as Christine was placing her lips on the woman in front her, a tap reached her shoulder. The leader dropped her head down with a sigh, before turning around to face the men with an annoyed look.
“What?”
“We need you to come with us.”
After a moment’s consideration, she turned back around towards Adeen and tapped her cheek. She gestured towards her henchmen and leaned towards her ear.
“You know what to do,” Christine whispered.
Her wing-woman nodded in response and walked off, but not before giving the two men that interrupted their time together a dirty look.
The leader waltzed off of the floor and headed towards her private office without so much as a glance.
“What can I do for you, boys?”
“Bogomolov has a proposition.”
-
November, 2000
Christine watched as the other scientists strapped down the young boy to the metal slab they called a table.
The woman couldn’t care less about his little screams of terror or the thrashing of his limbs. She just hoped they wouldn’t have to sedate him because she had other ‘projects’ of hers that needed to be tested and not enough time in the day.
“What number is this?”
A gravelly voice spoke.
The scientist looked to her right and connected gazes with a tall man that had a dark and mysterious demeanour.
She looked back down at her tablet after assessing him with her eyes.
“I don’t care about who it is. I just need him to sit still so I can see if this stuff works or not.”
The man whistled lowly and raised his eyebrows in response.
“Feisty,” he muttered.
Dropping her arms to her side, Christine looked up at the stranger with an annoyed look on her face that she didn’t even bother trying to hide.
“I’m sorry. Did you need something?”
“Nah,” he said, shaking his head with a small smirk. “Just wanted to meet my new lab partner.”
“Excuse me, new what?”
-
January, 2003
If there was one thing Christine hated, it was James. They had been working together for almost three years now and she still couldn’t stand his cocky little attitude.
They had just been called Bogomolov’s office and walked on opposite sides of the hallway to get there (well more so Christine than James. He just found it all amusing.).
When the two arrived they were greeted with the older man and files.
“You two have an undercover mission.”
“Ah,” Christine interrupted. “I don’t do missions, especially not with him.”
“I wasn’t asking,” Dima responded, raising an eyebrow as if challenging her. The woman huffed and flopped back into her seat.
“As I was saying, I need you two to grab some intel for me.”
“May I ask where?”
The old gentlemen turned towards James with a blank face.
“Alaska.”
James looked at him in confusion.
“Now stop interrupting me. You’re going undercover as a couple. A party in Canada.”
“That’s quite vague,” Christine mumbled.
“You leave tomorrow.”
The two stood and made their way to the exit, one with a frown on their face, the other with a giddy smirk.
“Oh cheer up, princess. You get to spend some one-on-one time with me!”
“Yeah, that’s the part I’m dreading.”
-
February, 2003
She hated James. Hated him more than anything on the planet at the moment.
How dare he let her sleep with him while they were both drunk. I mean, yeah it was good but that doesn't mean she necessarily wished for it to happen!
Storming down the hall, Christine banged on his bedroom door. After a couple of seconds, the door swung open and the woman barged in.
“If I end up pregnant, it is all your fault!”
“Woah, woah, woah,” James exclaimed with his hands raised in mock surrender. “Cool it, princess.”
Deeply annoyed, Christine took in a deep breath to contain the urge to knock out his stupid, perfectly straight teeth.
“Wh-why did we do that?”
“Well you were all up over me, mama,” James said with a cocky grin. “I was just following your orders.”
The woman opened her mouth to reply but instead was fighting the urge to gag.
“I am too nauseated to continue this right now.”
Christine made her way to the man’s bathroom and hunched over the toilet.
“Fuck you, James!”
-
December 22, 2003
Christine screamed in agony as she was told to push another time.
“I’m going to chop your testicles off!”
“I’m sorry! What do you want me to do?”
“Just hold my hand.”
James held out the appendage and winced as the woman in labor latched onto it with a death grip.
It was five grueling hours that Christine had been in labor and she had only recently started pushing.
It was another hour until the woman held her baby for the first time.
As the newborn drifted off to sleep, the scientist looked up at James with a small smirk on her face.
“You thinking what I’m thinking?”
With an identical expression, the man locked eyes with her.
“You know I am.”
-
“So she was born into HYDRA,” Sam started. “That means there most likely won’t be many records of her existence.”
“Poor girl never stood a chance,” Natasha muttered, flipping through the few notes they were able to retrieve. “Says here, they were attempting to create connections with the deceased.”
“With everything we’ve experienced, I wouldn’t be surprised if they found a way,” Wanda stated, slumping back in her spot.
As everyone continued to look through box after box, Bucky sat in his seat trying to remember.
A lot of it was fuzzy, but thankfully there were a few breakthroughs.
He remembered hearing Karima and whoever W1498 was, having many conversations together. He remembered the countless times one tried to take the punishment for the other.
But the most prominent thing was when they talked about the voices.
Bucky can still faintly hear the whispers of Karima saying, ‘the voices are so loud,’ or ‘can you keep it quiet, Zee?’
“W-we never talked about why she was doing this,” he spoke up.
“Didn’t you say you were pretty sure these were revenge killings?”
Steve asked.
“Buck’s got a point,” Sam spoke. “I mean, if it was revenge, wouldn’t she have been at least a good halfway through the staff by now?”
They all sat back and thought.
“You did say she was talking to this ‘Zee’ person when she said she wanted to make them hurt like they hurt them, right?” Natasha asked.
“Yeah but we can’t ignore the part where she said it felt like her heart stopped,” the former winter soldier spoke.
“My thing is,” the red-head started. “Is that if these were revenge killings, why would she go after W1498’s handler? They probably rarely made any contact.”
Steve turned to face his friend who had his eyebrows furrowed in deep thought.
“Any more memories, Buck?”
“I remember Karima talking about voices and asking ‘Zee’ to make them stop.”
Rustling paper broke them out of their little huddle as they directed their attention towards the witch.
“Says here that W1498 got moved out of that base around Christmas of 2018.”
“Didn’t Fury start sending surveillance over there around January this year?” the captain spoke.
Wanda nodded in response and flipped through more documents.
“Last record of movement was said to be around February. Doesn’t say what happened to all of the people or why the base was suddenly abandoned.”
“So if our girl was close with W1498,” Tony started. “It coulda really pissed her off when they moved ‘em.”
“What if Karima’s looking for her?” Sam suggested suddenly. “I mean, you have W1498’s relocation which Karima would’ve suffered from. ‘Zee’ practically helped her with whatever ‘voices’ Bucky was talking about. They took the one good thing from her; it would make sense if she snapped.”
“That would explain why she went after their handler,” Natasha added. “She had no idea of her friend’s whereabouts ,the obvious choice would be to go to their handler and at least try to get some information.”
“What about the sudden abandonment of the base?”
“We don’t know the full extent of her powers,” Steve said. “We don’t even know how she killed the agent.”
The captain looked around at the few Avengers who were spread out across the common room as a pang of hurt stuck him.
He simply took a deep breath and stood.
“Let’s take a break. We’ll regroup either later today or tomorrow.”
With that, everyone left, ready to take advantage of the rare relaxation they had.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Hiraeth Taglist
@lizlil, @bellero, @ravennight41, @yasminwashere, @cay-writes-fan-fiction514
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Abuse in the Youtube Vlogging Community — My Experiences
Note 07/07/2021: My original posting was removed by unknown so this will now live here. Please be aware of the content warnings.
Apr 26·14 min read
2012–2018
CW Mention of; Suicide, Assault, Blood, Rape, Deceased Person(s)/‘Suicide Forest Video’
I’m writing this statement to not only provide background on the toxic and abusive culture of the community at the time but to support the multiple other people who have recently come forward detailing abuse from within the UK vlogging Youtube community, and to finally talk about these incidents publicly after carrying them for so long alone.
As I am writing this, one of those mentioned has contacted several mutual acquaintances to stop me from sharing my own story to those people privately,then when they and I didn’t, this person quickly began to smear my name.
Because of this I want to begin with some basic background and thoughts which will be most likely be used/twisted in the coming days/weeks by those I mention.
I will only be discussing physically abusive events I was personally privy to but to keep this specific I will be omitting the many micro and macro-aggressions I experienced as usually the only black mixed/non-white and working-class individual in the room/group.
It was clear to me quickly that if you were an “other” in certain ways, you’d be open to mockery, namely also if you were working class or lacking financially, I’d heard Chris repeatedly make remarks and mean comments behind the backs of his own guests/friends at various events and parties in his own home in addition to others making similar comments.
Because I appeared white passing that time especially; I made my heritage/ethnicity explicitly clear when it first began as a failed attempt to minimize racial remarks around me and then from then on, kept my private life private from many in the group.
I learned quickly to ignore a lot directed at me — as I was younger and possessed no media industry contacts or clout/followers at the time, I had to accept my place in this kind of mostly elitist clique/working environment as the only way to continue working with the people I looked up to.
I met everyone personally and got into the community when I was 16/17 after being a fan for many years, contacting CB via post and then emailing him, I wanted to get into television eventually and thought working with YouTube vloggers I looked up to would be a great first step in that direction.
Everything detailed below I had previously tried to discuss with those involved privately, but was unsupported and thrown away both professionally and personally.
Rachel
I want to talk briefly about Rachel as I was around just before she joined the general group so was witness to a lot of things. I have spoken to Rachel privately but want to share the frustration and bitterness I feel and felt publicly. Please read her statement via twitter for their story.
(In addition to addressing the dangerously hypercritical individuals I have seen crawling out of the woodwork to send her empty public displays of ‘support’ whilst in the past they contributed heavily to the environment which fostered abuse or carried it out themselves.)
The first few times I met Rachel it was at different pubs, and so I had always assumed that she was at least 18 on joining the general group, I was also told (unprompted) about her familial connections within the media/television industry — something that I now believe contributed to many of the youtubers mentioned overlooking basic welfare issues and red flags, and instead thinking of furthering their careers.
I spent close to a year trying to help as I could see certain red flags in her ‘relationship’ with JSL, him struggling very heavily and publicly with alcoholism at the time, and Rachel seemingly struggling also. I made my concerns known repeatedly because I was worried, having myself suffered from various abuse from a young age I instinctively wanted to help.
However, close friends of Rachel herself and others, namely Bown, sent me the repeated and clear message that I was “in the way”, this was a message Bown kept telling me once he was living with JSL, who I had begun seeing months prior to Rachel meeting him. I was told by them that my concern was only jealousy and experienced an abundance of side eyes, verbal abuse, bad mouthing, and gossip — I was just a ‘jealous bitch’ in many eyes. (This all despite me being polyamorous with my primary partner from before dating JSL to this current day)
I continued to help Rachel whenever I saw her in person before ending things with JSL and distancing myself because not only was I incredibly uncomfortable dating someone who was in a unhealthy situation, but I was very selfishly fed up receiving so much hate when I did speak my mind on the subject. In hindsight, especially after finding out recently that Bown was aware of Rachel’s age, I wish I’d have stuck around.
Rachel is incredible and I hope the following can contribute in some way to validating all those who were victimized by these same people in addition to others with similar stories.
For Rachel’s full statement please read it on her Twitter in its entirety @rachelkiki_
MT
Beginning with MT, I had been a huge fan of The Man Time Podcast and The Fratocrats for years before so on meeting him at a party for the first time at C.B’s place, I was excited to talk to him, however, as soon as he found out I had a partner (literally the first thing he asked/said to me after hello) he walked away from me and didn’t interact with me in any way for the rest of the party.
A few months later when I was single we slept together for the first time, halfway through he held my wrists down suddenly and just as I thought he was going to kiss me he instead spat in my mouth. I did not ask for, nor want this and reacted as negatively as you’d expect, then feeling incredibly uncomfortable made some excuses and tried to stop things physically.
It was a little while later I found out that he had spoken to a group of very popular youtubers, one of whom was Tom. I found out that not only did MT “report back” to these youtubers detailing a story about how we had had sex and I was in fact, horrendous at it, but hearing about it from C.B. in the form of the question whilst he smiled jokingly “Is this true?” was not only super inappropriate but humiliating.
These were people I had looked up to for years and really wanted to work within the future, but now that seemed like it wouldn’t happen, especially if I ‘made a fuss’.
MT wanted to meet up with me at a later point (once I’d confronted him repeatedly afterwards) though when we met it was clear he just wanted to have more sex and the half assed ‘apology’ was more tokenistic. He was sorry “If” anything he did upset me.
Because of my own previous trauma (and low self-esteem admittedly) I thought the only way to redeem my reputation would be to continue to see him — I thought if others knew or saw us flirting casually even, it would negate his rumors. This obviously didn’t help and the damage had been done.
Tom*
Shortly after that, whilst on a work trip with CB and others, Tom approached me at a bar and asked me for a photo, I thought it was odd but perhaps he was just being friendly.
I was a big fan of Eddsworld so I was okay with it, he took a photo of us both, making sure I smiled and then sent it to MT who was sitting a few tables away in our group as a further way to humiliate me. I spoke about it with some of the others privately after being laughed at, who seemed used to that kind of behavior. I just needed to get used to it and/or “lighten up” so I tried to remain professional and focused, though it seemed more and more like certain people viewed me as disposable entertainment almost, rather than a person.
*I do want to note, as of writing this today, Tom is the only person to reach out to genuinely apologise, which I highly appreciate.
Bown
I could fill multiple pages with the amount of racial charged, sexist and abusive things Bown has done and/or said to me, for example, he berated me the day I got my first big television job, calling me stupid, useless and implying I was only hired because of my ethnicity.
He almost always sent his hate via text or instant messaging, I mention that because he commonly expressed all his negativity behind a screen, then in person, he would do a lot of gaslighting.
When drunk at his worst, his understanding of the word no became non-existent when I would repeatedly ask not to be touched or requested space.
On one occasion when I had made clear it was a platonic hang, we were watching a film when he suddenly reached over and pressed his fingers into my breasts. I felt instantly violated, I froze for a few seconds and then pulled my shirt up to cover more of my chest/create a visual barrier. I said don’t/stop and continued watching the film. In shock — we weren’t even touching or hugging before- that but he nonetheless did it again and laughed as if it was some kind of game.
I made it very clear I was not interested and did not like what he had done.
This repeated when he was drunk and said he wanted to apologise, it was at a party which wasn’t the time nor place for that kind of conversation, then, with me saying so then no multiple times, he kept grabbing my waist, then arms and shoulders, refusing to give me the space I was requesting.
CB
There was a lot of disrespect and ugliness I experienced from my first experience ‘working’ (unpaid at first and then at or under minimum wage afterwards) to present but again, I’m only discussing the physical stuff.
The first physical time he hurt me was when on tour sharing a room (due to a lack of space as we were out of London) I was sharing with JSL on the floor and Bing had the bed alone.
I was awoken in the early hours of the morning to a small piece of metal (which turned out to be a zip as I recall) from a pillow, hitting me hard. I was confused and so thought it was an accident — I assumed the pillow had fallen off the bed by mistake so reached over and put it back on Bing’s bed before going back to sleep. I was then awoken repeatedly by Bing’s hand hitting me in my face hard and repeatedly, though I tried to turn around with my back to him, I then experienced the same but on the back of my head, and my hair being pulled.
He had thought the very loud snoring which was waking him up was me, but it was in fact JSL (most who have lived with him or slept in close corners knows he can be a snorer) the next morning I woke having a panic attack which I dealt with before asking him why he did that as it really hurt, he replied that I was snoring but when I told him of the mistake he just looked at me funnily and that was that. No apology ever appeared.
The worst experience I had with him was at his house during a party; it was winding down and I could sense him rushing people out the room in a hushed tone; I was looking at his bookcase, filled with cd’s at the time. On hearing the hushed tones I could sense something was wrong/odd and looked around to find myself suddenly alone in his room. I said a quick sorry, that I didn’t realise and will go join everyone else upstairs if he wants to sleep, he said it was no problem and I should have a drink before bed with him. I was content looking at the cds and before I could answer he brought me a cup and poured out a drink for me (clearly over pouring). I had just eyed a specific CD from my all-time favourite band (they were very niche at the time) and exclaimed in joy before showing it to him, he responded that a fan had sent it to him, I laughed because I was that fan, I had included the CD in a fan letter I sent to him years back. He was giving me a really odd look and then as I said ‘anyway,’ laughing in that british ‘I should get going’ kind of way.
He grabbed the CD before putting it on and pulling me towards the bed. We were sitting side by side and as soon as he grabbed me towards the bed I gave a nervous laugh saying something along the lines of ‘no, I don’t’ when he interrupted me to say it’s all fine, just one song and I need to drink, pushing my cup up which I’d been holding with both hands motionlessly since he gave it to me. As soon as I took a sip, he put his hand on my waist, I kept protesting as he pushed more towards then against me and repeated things like “It’s no big deal” and “It will be fast” ignoring my physical resistance and me audibly saying I did not want to. He placed his hand on mine and pulled it towards his groin area — this was when I finally stopped freezing and pulled away forcibly, I then sat up off the bed and made a beeline for the door — apologizing as I went.
As soon as I was on the other side of the door I burst out crying and having a severe panic attack, I muffled the noise and went upstairs where I knew others were sleeping before I couldn’t keep quiet. I cannot remember who else was upstairs but there were multiple people (at least 5) sleeping in various places, I woke up quite a few before being calmed down and going to sleep.
He hired me one last time after that as a producer.
H H S
H.H.S is the long time editor of the Paul brothers, he’s worked with many large youtubers and was one of (if not the main) editor of now notorious Logan Paul’s “Suicide Forest Video”,– the following happened around that time for context and is one of the biggest catalysts in my completely giving up on working within the YouTube vlogging sphere.
H.H.S had been lightly dragged on his Facebook by friends on a post where he apologized for the Logan Paul video he responded with a fundraiser event post (both this, and the fundraiser have since been deleted) the fundraiser itself was to a suicide prevention charity, although he created it, he hadn’t and didn’t invite anyone directly to it — in hindsight, it’s clear it was just lazy personal pr.
I had my own mental health and neurological episode and had attempted to take my own life a little before, so I had created an event with friends to celebrate being alive and beginning new/better things. Not many could come on short notice, though H.H.S was the first (and only) person to click ‘attending’ on the event page, which he did very quickly once I sent out invites.
He never was overly kind or supportive emotionally, so I thought that because of the amount of mutual colleagues, close friends and vloggers invited he would look very crass not to come.
I was upset that many couldn’t make it and drank far too much, though I could Just about walk by the time we left the bar — the last 4 of us decided to head back to H.H.S to drink and hang out more as a group. I was meant to text my friend and her partner the address whilst they went home quickly to grab a coat as they lived nearish. H.H.S helped me into the cab and we made our way to his place, it’s then he put his hand behind the seat and began touching my leg.
I thought he had a partner at the time and so was confused as he mentioned her earlier in the night, I asked him about this roughly over drinks at his house (which he poured himself) and he said it was fine, I accepted this as I was very drunk by this time and being ethically non-monogamous at the time; I assumed naively that they talked before this.
I don’t remember what happened after this until later, I know that I was so drunk I completely forgot to ask H.H.S again for the address, let alone that I had to contact my friend at all.
I remember roughly that things seemed to me above board, but then I experienced a huge amount of pain as he had pushed me onto my front and put his entire weight onto me, I started to say stop, and no as he put more weight onto me and was trying to enter me anally. I told him to stop and that it hurt (he had done this before to me but stopped after a few seconds of me saying no and we discussed how it wasn’t okay with me especially without prior consent so I didn’t expect this). He then put his weight further on me so I was prone and continued for several minutes, I managed to move my body so it wouldn’t hurt as much, though by this point I was stuck under his weight and could barely breathe. Once he had “finished” he got off of me and said something about how this was a good “purge” for him but he loves his girlfriend and so should sleep in the living room. I was in total shock as he just exited the room.
I had no way of getting home by myself and triggered , drunk and confused I went to sleep. I woke up to H.H.S typing away on his computer next to my bed and I shouted “bucket” multiple times so he ran and got me one which I then projectile vomited into. I apologized and went to the bathroom to continue throwing up before heading back to his bedroom to find my things and get home.
As I was doing this I asked about the video, he wasn’t talking otherwise and I was extremely uncomfortable trying to hold back a panic attack and further barfing. I waited for my taxi to come as he confirmed everything about the video that I had expected, he boasted about being the main editor of that video, how it was his idea to blur the body, how they wanted more views and they (him and Logan Paul) obviously didn’t care genuinely for anything to do with suicide prevention — this was after excusing various racist acts and remarks made by Logan.
H.H.S didn’t contact me for a full week after this incident, when I got home I discovered I was bleeding from his forced entry, and went into another panic attack. I tried to contact Bing, who had introduced me to him in the first place, when I was met with a barrage of blame. He told me a lot of things like ‘What did you expect?’, ‘That’s on you’ and on me beginning to cry and get emotional, he quickly started to distance himself saying that we aren’t “really friends” anymore, and further slut shaming. I wanted help and was rejected, not only by him but the few others also who I contacted. I figured if my friends would not help me, why would the Police believe me?
I reached out to H.H.S privately but was ignored, he read my messages but did not respond, though remained friends with me on facebook.
He now has his own channel with 134k subscribers and won a Streamy Award for his editing work with Logan Paul.
If you’ve read all of this, thank you sincerely. I’ve carried this for far too long alone, every time I heard of the people involved and even the Paul brothers names, things just came rushing back violently.
After being rejected by so many I believed to be my friends, I decided I shouldn’t come out publicly at the time as I thought no one would believe me, that in addition to the fact that I valued the content they created to such a vast degree that I thought it more important to keep quiet.
Thanks to a sadly long list of brave people, I now know that I matter and so does my voice.
I hope that with this, I can finally begin to let all these incidents go and know I appreciate every single person who has been an ally and/or spoke their own truths.
#MeToo #BlackLivesMatter #StopAisanHate
Alaska Harrison
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