#and then i'm wondering why i'm both a mental and emotional trainwreck

[thenervousmedic]

A coffee a day... (Connor x Reader)

Note: Oh man this one is short, sorry! ^.^ but i think the cut-off point was suspenseful enough so here you go-!

1 1/2k words.

Chapter 7: New priorities.

The redness on your cheeks didn’t fade as he walked away, staring after him whilst fighting the questions that grabbed at your hands. His lips were warm, soft, with not a single flaw. Even if it was for only those few seconds the kiss he had laid onto your forehead spread warmth immediately through your veins. No matter what you had thought before, this sealed the deal, the slow burn that built in your chest started to ache. You wanted to reach for his arm, to stop him from leaving, but were too stunned to do anything other than watch.

You wanted so badly to believe he felt it. That there was something in his biocode fighting to come through.

“Love?”

“Yeah…”

“…I think I’d like to feel that someday.”

An invisible violin bow played on your heartstrings. A somber and slow melody that stayed fairly quiet compared to the sounds of the world around you, bringing your thoughts back to focus. Did he mean it? God it’s torture. The conflicting sides of your brain loudly arguing with each other. One wanting  more than anything to believe he was nice to you because he liked you, while the other spat back that he was just keeping you happy to make his job easier.

Sumo was there to greet you as the door creaked open, snuffling at Hank’s clothes that you still wore (Albeit better fitting ones than the ones you first came here in.) Whining at you while the door blew shut.

“Hey big guy…” His adorable face brought you some immediate comfort, following you over to the sofa where you proceeded to cuddle and mess with his heavy fluff. “You’re a good judge of character, aren't you, what do you think?” his reply was just a short blow of air from his nose before he waddled off to a corner and slumped down onto the floor. At least you weren't alone.

--

“Lieutenant, I have made a big mistake-”

Hank rubbed his face as Connor entered the break room, which was luckily incredibly empty upon their arrival. “What is it now, Connor?” “I think I may be developing unnecessary lines of code-” “So you’ve got a bug, go get it fixed.” His growl wasn’t reassuring in the slightest, Connor now looking almost lost and confused. It was a strange face for him, one Hank had only seen the day he was pulled up from the ledge of that roof, this was more important than he had first thought. “...It’s not something you want gone. Is it?” He struggled to reply, opening his mouth with nothing coming out before both hands grabbed at the sides of his head, sitting down opposite Hank with his elbows on the table. “What I want shouldn’t be more important than my duties-” Hank’s heart almost stopped. What he wanted? He really did want something, that wasn’t in his programming.

“Sometimes there's something more important than orders, Connor.” He took a long drink of what Connor could only identify as a hazardous substance- probably some form of alcohol. “You shouldn’t drink on the job, Hank.” Hank’s face creased into a tired but satisfied grin. “My job isn’t as important as my drinking-.” “It’s a bad habit-” “So is falling for someone…”

The room sat still. Connor, in a dazed silence, wanted to deny the implication. But he couldn’t. That would be lying… He really was falling for you. He had been for as long as he can remember your smile, your voice, very little freckle on your cheeks. The way his own circulatory system sped up only confirmed Hank’s suspicions, Connor’s face slowly turning an oddly adorable shade of blue.

“I can not fail my mission. They can, and will, replace me if i do.” He fidgeted, feeling Hank’s locked gaze burn every hair up his neck. “You need to help me, Hank. If Cyberlife finds out I…” Hank’s grizzled shell almost cracked at the sight, this machine, this thing he had thought would never stray from his objectives. He was struggling with something that could only be described as emotions. He was feeling things for people. “When you were on the roof- I felt a wall try to stop me from helping you… I should have chased that deviant-”

“But you didn’t….” He grinned at the utter surprise on Connor's face. As much as he’d love to continue that conversation, His LED began whirring a sharp yellow, his eyes blinking roughly.

“...I just got report of a suspected murder, we should take a look, it’s at the Eden club downtown.” Without waiting for an answer, Connor stood up and took off. Walking straight for the exit while Hang dragged himself up from the table as well.

“This better be worth my time.”

--

Rain trickled down from the top of the window, your finger making a small finishing line as two droplets raced one another to reach it. Soft moonlight poked through the water beams, making oily sparkling lens flares around the streetlamps. You were tired. Not necessarily physically tired, just mentally so. Today was such a trainwreck. You only wanted to help out, instead you had a meltdown at the police station and felt your heart explode because of an android.

The world is a mess. You are a mess. Everything is messed up…

Oh well. Right? I mean you can’t feel terrible forever. Even if that is an option, it’s not a very good one. You can’t find any motivation for anything and it’s dragging you down into a put, you don’t want to feel this way. Surely there was something in the house to keep you busy? Perhaps you could cook? No, there's no good ingredients in the house, you had already checked. If only you had your phone or- Click, creaaaaak.

The front door opened slowly, finally someone was home. Your head perked from its spot on the windowsill, staring at the doorway as it was lit by the distant moon. The uniform footsteps that echoed in the house telling you all you need to know. “Welcome home, Connor.” You sounded a little nervous, something he probably had noticed upon walking your way. He was absolutely drenched from head to toe. What’s more is that he shut the door behind him - no Hank. “Where’s Lieutenant Anderson?”

You didn’t get a reply, he just looked at the floor by your feet sadly, a defeated posture prompting you to stand. Worriedly putting your hand out towards his arm only to have him redirect it. He took your wrist gently, raising it to cup the side of his face, closing his eyes to let out a long breath. You could feel yourself blushing. Every synthetic muscle along his jawline tensed, the pulse that ran through your hand only accelerating when he shook ever so softly.

“Connor?” You didn't get a verbal response but he did at the very least open his eyes to look at you. You could lose yourself in his warm brown gaze if you weren't careful.

“Can you hold me, please?”

His voice was calm but you could tell something was wrong behind the flattened tone. Nodding and pulling him closer. Taking your hand away from his cheek to wrap both arms around his chest. “I'm… sorry. For my strange behaviour I… think something is going wrong in my system.”

“Are you hurt?” he shook his head, not that you could see this, your cheek was still pressed up against his chest.

“No just… I’m lost, Y/N. What do I do?” You tried to let go but he only hugged you tighter, earning a small awkward laugh as you tried again.

“Come on, sit, you obviously need to talk about it.” He finally released you, following you closely with both eyes locked on the floor. Sumo’s reassuring whines coming from a far off corner as the two of you sat down. The sofa groaning under the sudden weight. He was frowning, rubbing his hands together, the LED at his temple blinked rapidly between red and yellow. You felt a shallow pain hit your chest, but hid it behind an encouraging smile, placing hand softly onto his leg. “I… I can’t become a deviant.  I have to stop them before-  They’re dangerous but I-...” Connor buried his face in his hands, letting out a long frustrated groan as you moved to sit closer. Rubbing your hand slowly up and down the back of his jacket. His words were muffled, but you could still make out the faint ‘I must accomplish my mission’ under his other mutterings.

It hurt to see him so conflicted, but part of you was rejoicing. So he did feel. “This is… just part of what it means to be alive.” You tried to sound positive, smiling delicately at him while prying a hand away from his forehead to hold it tightly. “Sometimes you’ll do things and… and they might not go perfectly according to plan. Or you’ll change things that were meant to be set in stone. Nobody is perfect, Connor, just because your brain works thousands of times faster than mine doesn’t make you foolproof.”

His breathing slowed, keeping his head tilted at the floor while an eye roamed up to look at you. “I’ve never failed a Mission, Y/N. Is this why you didn't join the force? To avoid this feeling?” You recoiled slightly. You knew exactly how he felt in this moment, the fear of failure, the want to hide away from the world and give up before you’d properly begun. It stings, but knowing you had failed before you even began was almost just as bad.

“Don’t… think of it as failing.” your eyes broke from his, wondering to look at the carpet with flickering uncertainty. “Think of it as… changing objectives?” The expression he wore was hard to read, not quite desperate and not quite curious, he looked at you like you knew everything in the word there was to know about the subject. “What is my new mission?” He lent closer to you, the chilled breaths that blew from his slightly parted mouth made you shiver, expectantly watching your eyes for what comes next. He was serious? He wanted you to give him orders? Your heart picked up it’s pace, the redness to your cheeks returned with vigour as you lightly shook from how close he had gotten to you. “What do you want it to be?”

“I… want my new mission to be you…”

#dbh #dbh connor #dbh hank #dbh connor x reader #a coffee a day...

[dissirnulo-blog]

Hello! I just stumbled on this blog by complete accident, and it's interesting to read your posts about akechi! I'm sorry if this actually comes of rude or ignorant or whatever, but i'm genuinely curious about life in orphanages in japan. Your akechi seems to be awfully not fond of it, and i guess the same with go with canon akechi actually. What are you thoughts?

OH MY GOSH? im really flattered that you found them interesting, and im more flattered that you actually want to hear my thoughts on such a delicate subject. youre not being rude or anything!!

i very well cant give proper opinions on a subject without laying down the facts first, though, and surprisingly, other than passing mentions and links to an article or two, no one really talked about just how awful the system is in japan, and in turn how it affected goro, so let me talk about the system while adding in my own commentary

WARNING: WERE GOING TO SPOILER TOWN HERE.

spoilers and very, very, very, VERY heavy text under the cut. im so sorry mobile users

these are all articles i have bookmarked lolol i suggest yall read them but tldrs aint that bad too

What’s it like to be raised in a Japanese orphanage?

many kids that wind up in orphanages were neglected by their parents or suffered some kind of abuse from their parents. its also not uncommon for parents to leave their kids there simply because theyre too overwhelmed by the job

but even then, some (read: a whole fucking lot) of these parents refuse to let their children be adopted bc of a social stigma involving it. they cant support/cant take care/dont give a fuck for their children but theyre too scared of the shame that comes from getting their kids adopted to let them live in a family that can care for and love them. think about that for a minute.

these kids are sometimes called throw away children by society. goro is a throw away child, you can say.

the kids tend to form a hierarchical society where the oldest or the biggest kid orders all the other kids around. refuse to listen to them, and you get beat up. abuse and bullying is rampant because of this

a child leaves their orphanage at around 15 to 18. once they leave, any kind of support from the government is cut off. gone. nada. youre on your goddamn own. 

japan is a country thats held together by connections. you get a job if you have a good network to back up your credibility. basically, without any kind of networks, youre already ruined before you even got outside of that goddamn orphanage you live in

to add: its not uncommon to hear about orphans released from orphanages becoming homeless or unemployed, and without a support network, more often than not they also suffer from mental illnesses such as depression. or theyre also manipulated into committing murder. you know.

im gonna throw my assumption out here that goro most likely was released from whatever orphanage he was in when he was 15. not too long after, he had awaken to his persona, and thats when he approached shido. probably. if that were the case, then it would align with when the mental shutdown cases started: two years before the main game. goro died at 17 years old.

with these facts, we can assume that HE WAS LITERALLY A HOMELESS KID WHEN HE WENT TO SHIDO, AND HE WAS BARELY LEGAL WHEN HE DIED, YOU FUCKING MONKEYS

“When I was growing up in orphanages I sensed the staff was fulfilling their responsibilities but I didn’t feel protected or loved. When I had to leave the orphanage I was all alone. I had no one to turn to.” — Sayuri Watai, 27, founder of a support organization run by and for ‘graduates’ of childhood welfare facilities.

Japan: Children in Institutions Denied Family Life

basically, the foster care system and the alternative care system (aka orphanages) in japan are a fucking trainwreck, but thats the whole point of this post, so its not that surprising.

orphanages are just really fucking bad, theres not enough space, bad facilities, abuses from both staff and fellow children, that kind of shit

its also mentioned here how those who leave the orphanages have no support to help them ease back into society and again brings up the importance of having connections in japan

adoption is rare. by 2011, only 303 kids (out of like, roughly, 30,000) were formally adopted out of the alternative care system. more on Why later

childrens’ best interests are often set aside in favour of letting the parents or family, who put them there in the first place, decide what happens to the kid, which basically means if the parents/family of the kid doesnt want the kid to get adopted, then no, the kid wont be adopted.

basically, the system favours the stupid adults’ opinions over the kids’ wellbeing. as quoted from one of the careworkers mentioned in the article, “In Japan, the interest of the parents is seen as more important than the interests of the child.”

“The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that for the full development of a child’s personality, they ‘should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.’” 

hey so guess which persona 5 character never grew up in a family and ended up screwed up in the personality department and got so lost and confused with what he really wanted so he desperately clung to the flimsy fame he had and the idea of revenge and fake praises from a certain shido masayoshi? yeah i thought so

japan likes to cram all these kids into orphanages that, even though there are caretakers who do want to take very good care of these sad kids, there isnt enough staff to deal with them, and thats when what looks like neglect from the staffs part arises

the article lists testimonies from children and adults who are and were from these institutions. one of them, a one sentence testimony, stood out to me in particular: “I don’t have any dreams for the future.” it sounded so jaded and tired to me, and it makes me think of the last time we saw goro in the game. that really tired smile really hit it home for me. goro had goals, but what about dreams?

lets speak in hypotheticals: if goro managed to inflict his revenge on shido, and he won, what comes after? what will he do? he spoke in the ship about being heralded as the hero who took down shido, sure, but do yalls really think, after everything, he actually plans to get out of that goddamn mess alive? goro made it his life mission to ruin shido. nothing matters but that, not even himself. after all is said and done, it doesnt seem very plausible for goro to keep on wanting to live. theres nothing to live for, after that

Witness: Lack of Support in Japanese Orphanages

“Masashi cared about his appearance – he wore fashionable [ … ] clothes and had styled his hair – but a sense of isolation clung to him.” that sounds familiar but maybe thats just me

studies show that children younger than 3 who grow up in orphanages have the risk of delayed mental, emotional, and even physical development because of the lack of bonds with a proper adult or family. orphanages are also a really poor environment for older children, who most likely already experienced abuse in the hands of their families or severe trauma after losing their parents. either way, orphanages are just a really bad idea for children

the first two articles have mentioned this, and now this article mentions this again: kids who grow up in orphanages are often poorly equipped for the real world because of the lack of support after their release, and yeah yall know how they end up homeless and jobless bc of it

as continuation, sometimes, education for these kids are so poor that they get out of the system barely able to read or solve simple math problems. 

children get subsidies now (bc back then they didnt wtf). its around 55,000 yen, or 550 usd. they cant even get a drivers license with it, which also happens to be really good extra points for when applying for a job. another opportunity lost for them

Adoption in Japan Part 1: Why are there so many kids in orphanages?

this article focuses more on why adoption is so rare in japan and also reinstates some things that have been mentioned earlier, namely, childrens’ well being getting set aside in favour of what shitty parents have to say

majority of kids in orphanages have living parents who retain legal custody but are not raising them. because of this, they are not allowed to be adopted, even if the parents dont come back for them

for some reason, japan is really insistent on giving the parents full control on their kids life even though they already abandoned them. this idea is so strictly followed that even a baby found in trash cans or some shit are usually ruled by court as not allowed to be adopted in case the biological parents come looking for them. i know. its full of bullshit.

with that and the stigma of a family letting their kid adopted, it makes me think that maybe its why goro ended up stuck in orphanages and never lasted in foster homes. because despite being a good kid (which i actually think he was), he was never adopted bc his mothers family refused to let him be adopted. its really messed up

apparently, people think orphanages are “the right place for nobody’s children to be raised.” add in the “throwaway children” nickname from one of the earlier articles, i get where goros coming from with his whole “unwanted, cursed child” mentality, and why hes so desperate for anyones attention. spend your entire childhood having the idea that youre a throwaway child, that youre a nobody’s child, that your mother killed herself because youre unwanted planted in your vulnerable mind, and then taste praise for the first time despite it coming from the one person you want to ruin the most, no wonder goro was intoxicated by it.

while there are orphanages with staffs that try their best, sexual and physical abuse are still prevalent, mostly in private orphanages. though they are supposedly monitored by the government, those sent to inspect these private orphanages have little to no training for the job. most of the time, the inspector only comes for tea, then they fucking leave, and the abuses and badly maintained facilities continue to prevail

the article brings up again how children are badly prepared for the real world and are doomed to a life of hardship when they leave. it never stops

in japan, only middle school is compulsory, but most jobs require that you should be at least a high school graduate. only 10% (or lower) of kids from orphanages get to attend high school, because 1) getting into high school is like a super big deal and hard, maybe like getting into college, and normally, middle schoolers attend cram schools to prepare for their entrance tests, 2) these orphans cannot afford cram schools, 3) the government refuses to fund cram schools for these kids bc its also acknowledging that their public education fucking sucks and cant afford to get anyone into a high school

imagine goro burning his fucking eyebrows to be able to get into high school. although, truthfully, i wouldnt be surprised if shido had something to do with goro being able to get into high school, if we still go along with “goro approached shido at 15″ thing. but i stand with the whole “goro is actually smart and intelligent despite being a wack detective” thing bc lets be real, that shit he pulled in saes palace is fucking nuts. you cant deny the kids a genius in his own right

Adoption in Japan Part 2: Attitudes to Adoption

adult adoptions, the kind thats done by adults (duh) for convenience or inheritance etc etc, is a frequent thing in japan, but child adoption, the kind that we all are more familiar with, is apparently kind of a wack concept in japan. its entirely new to them. in fact they only legalised that shit in 1989

koseki likes to make everything complicated. its so fucking hard to describe, but its like a family tree of sorts, except when you (the mother) have a kid out of wedlock, youre not allowed to register your kid to your family tree for some fucking reason; you have to start your own family tree with just you and your kid. if you give up your kid for adoption and they got adopted, their name doesnt get removed from your family tree for some fucking reason, but the fact that they were adopted is noted in your family tree. and this starts the discrimination and stigma that comes from getting your kid adopted, and it makes parents who leave their child to orphanages unwilling to get their kids adopted. its also the source of stigma surrounding single mothers and children born out of wedlock. (hey guys guess whos both a kid born out of wedlock AND an orphan?????) NOTE: this is how i understand the concept of koseki so far, and i may not be 100% right bc that shit confuses the fuck out of me. idk. japan why

so yall know how obsessed goro is with being perfect—perfect grades, perfect public image, perfect everything? as it turns out, theres this stupid idea in japan thats widely accepted that “everything from your taste in food to the language you speak is biologically pre-determined” now that makes a shit ton of sense, considering the kind of person shido is. that fucking asshole. holy fuck.

Japan’s Forgotten Children

it says here that about 4,000 children were formally adopted out of the system, as opposed to an earlier article that says 303. i dont know which one is true.

this entire paragraph:

“Last month, a Chukyo Television director who was documenting this problem, asked a high government official why Japan had such a system, as opposed to promoting adoption and foster care like other developed nations. The man, whom I respect for his honesty, basically said that after the war there were many children without parents. At that time, many orphanages were built. So, that became Japan’s system to this day. Let me translate that for you…There are many jobs involved in this system. Plus, we don’t like change.”

orphanages run by the government receive funding based on how much kids they have, so more kids = more money, and that basically is also one of the reasons why no ones making an effort to get these kids out of the system. the kids are their means of getting free fucking money.

the government isnt trying to remedy this problem bc it doesnt want change, at least according to this guy named yamanta tokuji. hes an ex-child welfare worker who wants change, to put it simply.

he also says that living in orphanages for years damages a childs well being and behaviour. some who end up in family environments can develop reactive attachment disorder in which they regress to behaving like a baby.

the government wont tackle the issue “because it doesn’t want to know the truth and thus be forced to change.” yamantas opinion again

look, before anything else, i dont condone what goros done. shits fucked up, kids killed a whole lotta ppl, and he didnt fucking hesitate to pull the damn trigger on akira, but since this is fiction, context is important. if youre one of those people who simply dismissed goros character and went “eh. hes fucking evil with daddy issues” im just….. :(, bc you fucking missed the entire point of his character. its important to note hes the only teenage antagonist in a game where the adults are the Bad Guys™. i dont remember where i read this, but i (sorta) quote: hes a warning of what couldve happened to the phantom thieves, without morgana, without the support system that they had, without the positive influences that made them decide to do what they did. even yusuke acknowledges this, once they come back from shidos palace after Hell™ happened (i would have put a link to a photo, but where the fuck do i even find a pic of it).

i think that people seem to misunderstand goros character simply because of really fucking bad writing atlus COME THE FUCK ON they forget that theyre playing a game based on japan, where culture and society are very different from theirs, and in turn they dont understand the context behind goros backstory and how japans society views orphans and illegitimate children can really fuck with a kid, and okay, just because youre either of the two doesnt mean youll resort to murder, but 1) this is a modern fantasy game, where cats can become buses and fake gods can force a lonely kid who happens to be a wild card into the depths of hell, come on, 2) goro wasnt even the one who came up with the murders, it was shido. he fucking bragged about it in his boss fight you fucking monkeys!!!! i forgot to mention this, but shido also threatens goro if he ever so much expresses doubt

its also because of bad writing. its mostly because of bad writing. god. goro deserves better than this

goro was a vulnerable kid with powers, and that made him a perfect puppet for shido. imagine if he had known about changing hearts sooner, because no one ever told him about it. imagine if he was able to bring his wild card ability to its full potential, and dont even get me started with the fact that he was a wild card user. this post about wild cards and goro really makes you think, but that isnt the point of this post, so

anyway its 2 am im tired Good Night Have A Swell Night Sir

#goro akechi #akechi goro #persona 5 #p5 #spoilers #This Is Really Long I Cried #uughhh i wrote this instead of replies i hope youre happy anon!! #rtrp ooc #( 2/2. ) #( ooc. ) #( asks. ) #anonymous