#and then she was all like ‘muslims can’t be depressed bc we have god!’ and it was obviously so fucking wrong but i was too tired to explain

[nevertrustamanwho]

Vent

this is not a ntam, more of a vent.. i don’t really have anyone to talk to :( sorry, it got very long, i hope that’s okay. some backstory: i’m on vacation in senegal, where my dad is from, visiting my (half)sister, living with her and her husband, it’s a big house, divided in flats basically, his mom lives here and family stays here when they’re i town.. also i don’t really identify as a woman/girl

since four days his nephew’s staying here for work. he’s abt 10 years older than me. most ppl here a very religious but he drinks and stuff, so we went out to have some beer, also he speaks english and i don’t speak french or wolof (native language here)

he was like “you can tell me anything, i’m cool” regarding drinking & smoking. he asked if i smoke weed, i said yes. we go out i have a beer, don’t even finish it. he asks a friend if he can get some weed (i didn’t ask him to). while we’re at the pub he asks me shit like if i have a bf i say no, he’s like “i can’t believe that” i’m like “i don’t want one, most guys are annoying af, can’t just chill always have to try some shit”(also i’m not interested in any guy atm).

also he tells me i could be a model, but i don’t think much about it bc a lot of people tell me that and i actually want to get into it. he also tells me he thinks we’ll get along, i’m like “sure i get along with most weed smokers.”

he keeps asking me questions like “what’s the craziest thing you’ve done. me: “idk” he: ”sleep w/ a girl?” i say “no, i like girls but haven’t done anything w/one”. we go back, bc his family is asking where we are, they can’t know he drinks. before we leave he pay but i offer to pay for my own stuff and he says “women here don’t have to pay for anything”

later his friend brings him weed and when his family sleeps we smoke in his room. he tells me he likes me, my innocent thinking, stupid ass: “your cool too”. we get high. he asks „you want to sleep in my room tonight?“ i’m like „no, lmao“. that’s when i start to feel weird abt the evening.

my left arm is full of scars from when i used to cut myself, he points that out and asks where it’s from, i say i used to cut myself, he’s like “why?“ i just say “i had and have depression” he says he gets it bc he lived in the u.s. but can’t understand “how you could do that to yourself” and basically wants me to tell him everything abt it. i say:”you won’t understand it bc you don’t have it and i don’t do it anymore” he keeps pushing and asks me why i won’t share it with him, like i didn’t just meet him that day.. also i don’t talk abt anything with anyone. he also asked if i’m depressed at that moment. i say “no” and am annoyed and he says “i’m just fucking with you haha” to which i just respond that he’s not funny and doesn’t get it.

we chill and he keeps asking weird question. if i dated a black/senegalese guy before, kissed or slept w/ one i say no, he asks if i want to, me: i don’t care where someones from or what his skin colour is but i don’t want to w/ you. (he has the ashiest elbows i’ve ever seen) he wants to kiss me i say no, and he’s like: “i just think it’s sad you’ve never kissed your people before, like your senegalese side” ?!?!???(i think to myself, like my disgusting dad didn’t kiss me against my will enough) and tells me he likes me. i keep saying i don’t want to and have to point to my cold sore (i was starting to get ill) to get him to stop. he asks if i’m a virgin, (no) since when i’m not if it was with my first and only boyfriend (no) and what i like in bed and what i know abt sex, where i know it from. (i don’t want to tell him “oh, y’kno my brother sexually abused me when we were kids and made me addicted to porn and then i let older guys use me when i was 15 and wasted” and lots of other reasons, also bc it’s none of his fucking business especially since we talked abt how people here care to much abt what you’re doing not abt what they’re doing..) i don’t really say anything he asks if it’s from movies and vids, i say “yes” so he’ll leave me alone. he says “oh, you’re a bad girl” and smiles.. fucking dickhead.

at some point he asks if i could see me with a hijab (?!???) i just say “i’m not muslim, or religious in any way.” i kinda jokingly ask him if he could see himself in one. he doesn’t get it and says that it’s not for men.. also he asked me if he could see me without glasses like it’s something special..

he tries to tell me all this shit i already know like black people in the u.s. are at the bottom bc the system oppresses them (which i’m using pretty easy language for right now but his was even easier probably bc he thought “that woman couldn’t know anything, abt anything”), media paints a picture to support a narrative blablabla like i know all of this and also i’m high and just wanna chill.

then he starts this conversation abt how there is no explanation on how humans and exist and what was before. i’m like “dude have you never heard of dinosaurs?” and he actually asks me “is there any proof that they existed?”….. me: “fossils!?!????” and he asks if i’ve seen them… i think, is this idiot fucking serious??? but since i’ve actually been to the natural history museum where i live and they have, among other things, a huge tyrannosaurus skeleton, i can say “yes, and also what would anyone get out of making that up?”. and he’s basically just like “oh”. he is now talking abt how we don’t know what we’re made of.. i’m like “atoms, everything’s made of atoms” then he asks what they’re made of (which i actually kinda know but not their name and also 1. i’m not a scientist and 2. google is still free) and also i know we don’t know everything but like don’t try to tell me we don’t know shit that we actually know. and then he tells me this story about how he knows what happens bc “HE” (god) told him. and it’s like there was only one star that was feeling lonely and then he made himself into another star, trying to tell me it’s a scientific and spiritual fact whatever the fuck that means (i’ll give him that new stars form when old ones collapse but it’s really not that easy). and with everything i was just like “yeah you can believe whatever you believe, but i’ll believe what i believe and don’t try to push your beliefs on me” and thinking “dude when the fuck did i ever ask for you opinion on anything??”

i had all these other points to make (why would you think god’s a man, why do you think you’re right when you’ve been raised to be religious and i formed my opinions for myself? also i don’t say im right) but i let him believe what he believes and also don’t give enough of a shit abt him to care

anyway the next morning he comes to my sisters flat and calls me “miss atom” i call him “mister religious” he corrects me with “spiritual”.. whatever.. later my sister says we should do a siesta and he says only if I invite him, i say i don’t care, do what you want. i purposefully stay on the couch while he and my sister are on a mattress and he “jokingly” says that my sister should go over and i should come to him. me:”she can come over here but i won’t come over there”

then somehow we/he get into a convo abt marriage, i say idc abt that, if i love someone i don’t need to prove that by marrying. he tries to talk me into it, if it‘s his culture or religion, and his parents i say i don’t care, what do they have to do with our relationship (also thinking that if i’d ever marry it would be a woman, only if she wanted tho) and it just gives me the whole „asking for a friend“ vibe.

this day i actually get ill so i just stay in my room, mostly to avoid him. i’ve been ill since then and he asks me 10times a day if i feel better yet, like it would change in the 30min you left my alone. one time he even called me “baby-*my*name*” which might have been nice if he wouldn’t have done all that out her shit.. but still condescending.

this morning he came up and i was changing in my room, my door wasn’t closed all the way but when i heard he was up i closed it properly and while i was completely naked he comes in without knocking, it really wasn’t on purpose but still made me fucking pissed. so today when he asks me if i can give him some water (i was pouring something to drink for myself, but it also pisses me of that the men here always ask women to get them shit) i just wanted to throw the glas into his face and tell him to get his own shit.

basically he is just really annoying and invasive, but i can’t really say anything bc i’m a guest and don’t want to be rude, i might anyway at some point and if he has a problem with it i’ll just snitch to his family 🤷🏽‍♀️

also this fucking stupid pissward works for the government.. the world is doomed people!

---

There are quite a few red flags in this story, as well as a strong superiority complex coming from him. I’d definitely be wary of the guy and never be alone in a room with him. Personal space and boundaries are something he doesn’t seem to care about.

#submission #assault tw #rape mention tw

[itsjayyyy]

January 10, 2019 12:13 pm

it’s a week after i planned on writing an update, but it’s a thursday so i’m technically on time. I worked tuesday, as i said, and on wednesday rose came over. we first went to the mall so i could show her how decrepit it was, and got auntie anne’s there. I like the mini pretzel dogs, but hate the hot dogs inside them; i just like how the pretzels are rolled up to look like croissants and how the hot dogs imbue the bread with that umami flavor. Then we went back to my place and watched train to busan (the main character was the same guy from coffee prince!), and then went to baanchan for dinner. I remember that she borrowed a shirt and got a stain on it and took it home and said shed wash it but i can’t remember which one. thursday and friday i just kinda lazed around, relaxed for a few days before the semester started. i signed up for postmates, and just today i got an email saying the prepaid card was sent to my address so i’ll activate it when i get home. the weekend was work, as always.

i would like to thank every god for allowing me to live so close to campus, because if i had to wake up any earlier for my 7:30 am calc class i would die. On the first day I woke up at 6, but tbh the earlier i have to wake up, the longer i have to take to get ready so I was kinda rushing and ended up forgetting my wallet. I didn’t want to give up my parking space to go back to get it, so I took the on campus shuttle back to my apartment to pick it up, since i needed my id to get my textbooks. got my textbooks (with no line whatsoever!), went to my evening classes, then went home. oh, and apparently i’m so bad at math. i saw my schedule’s weekly chart and said “oh nice, i have a 4 hour gap in the middle of the day for studying or getting lunch” but apparently it’s a 7 hour gap, from 8 am to 3 pm. coolio.

my calc professor was a bit timid, and has a slight accent. the first day i made the mistake of sitting in the back like last year, and could not focus on a word he said. psychology was chill, we just covered the syllabus. apparently, the psychology department (not my professor) mandates that all intro psych classes’ grades are 10% participating in psychology studies, bc otherwise nobody would volunteer to help them. i hate being forced to do anything, so of course I’m gonna lie and fuck with their studies. asl was my fav class, it’s at 6:30 when campus is empty. we just learned the alphabet (and by that i mean she ran through it once and then we had to go to the front of the class and introduce ourselves). the whole class is immersive, meaning that even on the FIRST day of class we weren’t allowed to speak. as if i understood a single thing she said. there’s a cute girl in that class, we didnt speak to each other (obvs) but when i got stuck while introducing myself, she helped me out since she was in the front row. can i just say i’m PISSED that it seemed like everyone was fluent in asl while i barely knew the alphabet. yall this is an introductory class.

tuesday was a disaster. i woke up at 6 again, but was so beat from the day before that I decided to skip calc, on the grounds that it was all just review and the first unit was my best anyways. i forgot to set a follow up alarm, though, so i woke up naturally at 8:55. and then looked at my class schedule. and saw that my next class was at 9. luckily since i live by campus i was only 6 minutes late, but i forgot literally everything (didn’t bring my phone or my backpack) except for my wallet. I didn’t even have time to shower, or brush my teeth, or comb my hair. immediately after i was done with that class i went home and did all of those. I also went to the pet store to get a new filter for my fish, since my last one broke (after 2 years of having it, which i think is a good lifespan). I installed that, knit more of my gloves, then went back on campus for programming at 6. The professor didn’t even cover the syllabus, he just jumped straight into the lecture. one kid asked about the structure of the class, and at that point he gave a quick summary. it was clear we were all expecting him to start the lecture with the syllabus. i’m so annoyed that last semester i deleted codeblocks, the program used in the course, because i thought i was done with it, and now i have to reinstall it. tuesday evening i watched hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, which i watched when i was like, 7, but forgot most of. 

wednesday, i woke up at 5:30, so that i would have more time to get ready. I sat in the front of calc, and took really great notes. we finally started getting into psychology, all about behavior and stuff. I did one of their stupid studies before class, it was this survey about “human social perception” but honestly it was asking about how lonely i am. and when you have to actually sit there and quantify how many friends you have, and how often you see them, it really puts it into perspective. kinda felt called out.

ya know how every semester, i creep on webcourses’ list of students in my class? well the cute girl in asl is named “anna” (as per how she introduced herself, it was the only name i could catch), and there’s only one anna in the class, and she has a crazy last name so it was p easy to find her on ig and twitter. i was scrolling down her twitter when i accidentally liked one of her tweets. i quickly unliked it, and i didn’t think she would have gotten the notification bc it was a retweet anyways, but shortly after that she followed me. and then i remembered that my most recent tweet was “so uhh whos gonna tell the cute girl in my asl class that i want to go out with her bc it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me” (cue my death). i deleted it and hoped she didn’t see it, but honestly if she followed me she prob saw it. i hoped that maybe bc i don’t have my real name listed on twitter that she wouldn’t know it was me, but in class i introduced myself as “jay” bc i forgot the symbol for s. pls kill me. and this all happened like 10 minutes before class started. I sat in the back, though, so we weren’t near each other. but at the end of the class we did an activity where we got a card with a word, and we had to find the person with the same card by signing it. we did like 4 rounds, and i was hoping we wouldn’t be together, but in the last round we were. we didn’t talk tho, and as soon as it was over i was gone. 

despite my period being nowhere near, i had a huge depressive episode last night. like, by her ig and twitter, she’s a Distinguished Gay in which she did a high school summer program with Stanford where she did heart surgery on a porcupine, and was an award winning thespian, and has tons of friends and a supportive family, where i’m the complete opposite: no friends, failed 3 classes, family hates me, chose a low paying career, needs alcohol to cope with life. This is one case where opposites don’t attract: she’s not gonna want to be with someone whose life is a complete mess. And then i just got to thinking about how rose tells me that mom lowkey thinks I’m a complete dissapointment for being gay and she only puts up with me bc it’s the muslim thing to do, and how the only way i can make her happy is me being single my whole life so she wouldn’t have to know. how i can never have love. and then rose texted asking for an update and i just kinda lashed out at her. why does she feel the need to tell me about mom talking shit? why would i want to hear that? yea i get the whole “don’t let others talk shit behind my back” idea but sometimes ignorance is bliss. i just don’t want to feel like a pile of shit for once in a while. and of course I’m still so resentful about the way that mom and dad treat rose like a damn golden child while i’ve never gotten 1/10 of the support she has.

This morning i went to calc, then comp, didn’t really pay attention in either. while in comp, heather texted me and was like “we should meet up soon.” rose also texted me; last week we were planning to meet up today but it was kinda dicey since we had that issue last night. and anyways at 11 she said “i got a job interview with izziban at 4, should i go” and i was just like “yea sure” bc i really don’t give a fuck. she always puts everything before me so why bother. then she got all like “if something’s wrong you need to tell me i can’t help if i don’t know what’s wrong” like, how about you read what i sent you last night, that details EVERYTHING that’s wrong. she later said she was gonna skip the interview bc she already has a job and she’s gonna do uber eats, and that she was just gonna have lunch with mom (since mom loves her enough to cook for her) and then head out my way. heather responded that we should meet at 1 today, so i told rose. rose said “should i wait for yall to finish and then come by?” but i havent responded bc i don’t want to see her (ever again).

I soft blocked anna on twitter bc i didn’t want her to see me talking about how i wanted to kill myself on main lmao. anyways i’m gonna go get a smoothie.