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saras-almanac · 4 years

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ooo for the director's commentary thing, i'd LOVE to know some of your thoughts behind your "letting go" fic. it's one of my favourites of yours, and honestly kind of what i wish would've happened in canon, so it'd be great to know more about it. plus (if it's not too cheeky to ask) if you had any ideas about what would've happened after the story ended??

First of all, I love you and thank you for loving this fic. It has a really special place in my heart as the first set of fics I actually wrote for Emmerdale/Robron and also because… I really love canon divergences. (Can you tell as almost everything I write is one of those lately…) Also thank you for giving me an excuse to read it through again to make sure I could actually have a (hopefully) satisfying answer for you! Quick summary for anyone reading this ask who has no idea what this fic is about: Aaron and Robert break up in 2016 after Robert finds out Liv was behind his arrest.

Basically my thought in writing this fic is that I hated that era for them. I’ve talked a bit on how I don’t like how Liv was used in their storyline, but it also made Robert and Aaron stay in this stasis for months of on/off and like, I get it’s a soap and all that, but there wasn’t really a story there. It was just Aaron gets mad at Robert—either rightfully or not—tells him to leave and then Robert comes back groveling a day later. They get back together and then the cycle repeats the next time they’re on screen.

And I get it, that Robert wasn’t always the Best—trust me, I’ve had enough Aaron stans comes after me for my stance that maybe Robert wasn’t always in the wrong—and Aaron had a right to feel however he was feeling. But my issue was how unequal their relationship was at a time they were supposed to be on equal footing. Everything that happened was on Aaron’s terms in regard to Aaron constantly breaking things off with Robert instead of talking to him. (Again, I get it’s a soap.) But like… Aaron chose to enter a relationship with Robert. He went in to this with his eyes wide open and knowing exactly what he was getting into. And yeah, Robert’s going to make mistakes, but it sort of always felt like Aaron (and his family) was always throwing Robert’s past at him. And my whole philosophy in relationships is either you trust the person or you don’t, either you’re in this or you’re not. Lording past mistakes over someone you’re in a relationship in is incredibly unhealthy—Reason # 23 why I love their Healthy Husbands era.

Apart from all that, I also hated that Aaron never seemed to really stand up for Robert in front of his family. Like how shitty is that to be in love with someone who can’t even support you in front of his family? (But the Chas/Liv/Paddy of it all is a whole other post because… oof they’re really not great at times, huh?) So I basically wanted to write a fic where Robert was allowed to actually be angry or upset or hurt (all three in this fic) because the show never really let him because they had to have him constantly begging forgiveness—even for things that are not his fault. (I will never forgive Chas for basically forcing Robert to set up the Ryan payoff deal and then throwing him under the bus when it was her idea in the first place. Yeah, Aaron can be mad at Robert for doing it, but it never felt like Aaron was equally as upset at Chas or even slightly upset at Chas over it all.)

I also just wanted Robert to be able to stand up for himself and realize that he doesn’t have to keep feeling the way he is or allowing himself to be in those types of situations. It’s a really unhealthy dynamic at this point (obviously we see that throughout the few months) and they needed to either break up or make a serious commitment to working on their issues, both together and separately. Which the soap didn’t allow them to do cause you know, it’s a soap. But those are the general thoughts behind this fic anyways!

As for where the story goes… would you believe that I still have plans to write it one day? It’s only been two years, folks, it’s still gonna happen! 😊 (Also this year has been absolutely shit for all things writing-related for me.)

But I sort of have a few different ideas of what happens next:

Aaron doesn’t think they’re really over and stalks Robert the next few days cause “this is just what they do” and “they just have to talk and things will be fine” but obviously it’s not fine?

Chas and Liv trying to be like “Aaron move on cause Rob’s the worst” and Aaron’s just like… “He’s actually #TheBest and you lot drove him away” cause Aaron still needs to learn to sort of accept his role in what happened as well

Robert may or may not move out of Emmerdale permanently or temporarily

Aaron may or may not be absolutely devastated by this turn of events and tries to figure out how to fix it

Liv learns a bit more about Aaron and Robert and overhears Aaron talking to Adam and Vic about it all and realizes just how important Robert was/is to Aaron and tries to make it right by actually apologizing to Robert (Though this might happen earlier and Rob’s just like “I mean, it’s cool, you’re just a kid” cause at the end of the day it’s more about how Aaron lied to him when Aaron demands honesty from Rob in every aspect and doesn’t give Rob the same respect)

Basically I would see a situation where Robert and Aaron sort of work through their communication issues and Aaron actually fights for Robert (a la the Reunion 2.0 speech) because he does feel guilty for making Robert feel like he didn’t support him or love him in the same way. And then they get back together, move out of the pub ASAP because now Aaron can see how shitty it is to have Robert move in to a place where half the people living there hate him and he wants to be an Adult which won’t happen with his mother constantly around. And they become the stable, happy, husbands we’ve seen. No prison or anything cause they’re working on their communication skills and not surrounded by people who are always trying to whisper poison in Aaron’s ear. But that’s what I see happening in the future… when I write it! (Please let me know if you think anything differently or want to see something specific!)

#i love you and i love this ask #thank you!#chatting about my writing #robron #softlass27 #letting go verse

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kiss-my-freckle · 3 years

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8x7 Rewatch: Chemical Mary

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

A nice reference to Robert Frost.

Red: The road not taken. Dembe: Beauty school? Red: Yes. That young woman's great passion that her single father just can't understand. It pushes them apart. But instead of insisting that she understand him, he enrolls in beauty school as well and learns to better understand her. Dembe: I think you understand Elizabeth. Probably more than you want to. Red: Well, I'm not her father. Maybe if I were, I'd want to understand her even better. Perhaps she wouldn't be so determined to kill me.

Dembe is right, Red understands Liz better than he wants, but they also have their differences. This conversation hits back to Red's conversation with Liz in S6.

Red: I was a difficult child. People saw me one way I saw myself another. I felt misunderstood - acted out. My father fancied himself a disciplinarian. Very moralistic. Instead of trying to understand me, he excommunicated me. Liz: And your mother? Red: My mother - My - My mother - My mother understood. My mother understood the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself. So she understood everything. I've taught you to think like a criminal. I should've taught you to think like her. I - I should've learned to think like her.

Liz will learn to understand Red. She's halfway there, she simply isn't wearing Tom's face as Katarina is wearing Raymond's. Perhaps through Agnes, she will.

Mary: Pig, hog, runt... sow... boar. My brother's mantra. When he was a boy, he collected glass pigs. He knew everything there was to know about them.

Hog futures and a pig-masked rapist in S7. Lipstick on a pig in S6.

Glass pigs. Reminds me of Josephine with her glass figurines. They include Rogelio, who was first introduced in Alistair Pitt's episode.

The Woman: "Once upon a time, there lived a little country girl, the prettiest creature who was ever seen.”

Red: You destroyed a creature more beautiful han you could ever comprehend.

Red: I fear she may do something that she can never recover from. And of all the tragedies that you and I have experienced together, that would be the most tragic. We have to do - do everything in our power to prevent that from happening.

But I also tthink Red and Alina’s storyline is just as much for the sake of Red understanding Liz, so I think we’ll be seeing Red and Alina sharing more scenes, which I’m very happy about. I love them. I think she’ll be recovering the thumb drive from Cooper for Red next week, but Rakitin will continue playing out as I believe they’ll identify him before she gets her hands on it.

Cooper still refuses to believe Liz assisted The Freelancer's release from prison, so he finds it even harder to believe Liz is working with Chemical Mary. Ressler and Aram share in his disbelief while Alina believes it's possible because she has fresh eyes. She's not as close to Liz as they are. Cooper is then given proof that Liz assisted in The Freelancer's release.

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." Henry IV, Part 2 is a history play by William Shakespeare. Red and his Shakespeare references lately. Parisian references... the Temple of Love (Temple de l'Amour) and the Canal Saint-Martin.

Aram: She goes by the name of Rakitin. And when I say, uh - "she," I don't mean she's a woman. I mean, she could be. Or a man. I'm... I'm trying to alternative pronouns instead of defaulting to the generic "he" to represent a man or a woman. Rakitin could be a he or a she. Or a they. Cooper: This is good. We know who the hacker is, but we still need to find out what he... or she... hacked.

A Rederina conversation between Aram and Cooper. Nouns and pronouns, as I continue to point out because a “ripe apple” doesn’t speak to gender, and Red told Kirk Liz is his daughter. That’s why I’m glad he confirmed he’s not her father. Fans should definitely lay that theory to rest.

Aram: Now, these photos were taken within a few days of the incident. But these... were taken a year later. Alina: No wonder we couldn't find her.

Liz: He'd need doctors, like Koehler - someone who could change his face. Dom: And not just once many visits over the course of a year.

They then parallel Chemical Mary with Rederina. Take this shot of Red reading a womens magazine.

Congressman: But I think he's been here a long time. Long enough, he's become one of us. And he's using us.

Connolly: What if the reason he chose her in the first place is because he wanted to get his hands on this thing? What if that's the real reason he turned himself in?

Congressman: Based on what I know of Rakitin, he and N-13 pose an imminent threat to national security.

Red: Within 12 hours, inmate Luther Todd Braxton will break out of his cell. When he does, he will steal a classified intelligence packet that contains secrets vital to your National Security.

Much like Tom Connolly, I believe the congressman is dirty, and he’ll be the one to push Cooper for Senator just as Connolly had plans to push him up the ladder in S2. He’s basically selling Cooper the idea that N-13 (Red) is using them just as Connolly tried selling the idea that Red was using Liz for the Fulcrum. I don’t think Cooper believes that, but I do think he should’ve quashed his curiousity with the thumb drive. I think this thumb drive will get shut down quickly because Alina will recover it. Her recovery will force Cooper to take Rakitin into custody to question him. Cooper’s decision to arrest Rakitin will then force Red to extract him. With the thumb drive in Red’s hands, and the need to extract Rakitin being their final loose end, Rakitin will either die before he talks or his extraction will be successful. That’s where I stand right now in how this plays out.

Rakitin and Neville are running separate for a reason. Liz plans to out Red, and believes his thumb drive identifies N-13, so she handed it to Cooper. I do believe this to be the case because the congressman asked Cooper about it during their meeting. “Why do you say that? Did anything on the drive identify N-13?" Sikorsky told Red that Cooper isn't off limits like Liz is, and I think that has to do with Cooper himself identifying N-13 should he open it. Sikorsky doesn't want anyone identifying N-13. “A fact no one knows is true. We must do whatever we can to keep it that way." Again, this was something Dom mentioned in 5x13. No one is to know the truth of what happened to Katarina Rostova aka N-13. So Liz hands Cooper the thumb drive to get the proof she needs while she works her way through these blacklisters in order to get to Neville Townsend. I think that’s why they’re not showing Liz’s side of the story yet. I think the thumb drive will stop at Rakitin, but whatever Liz is doing... I believe her side will pick up with Neville when his men abduct her. I’m just not sure if they’ll actually abduct Liz or if they’ll abduct a double of Liz because I see they have another doppelganger blacklister coming, and I do believe Red could put one in place to protect her.

Chemical Mary's facial burns and Cooper running Red's fingerprint instead of his DNA... I'm leaving my Minister D playout on the table. I still think Ressler could be the one to figure out who Red is, and I think Red will end up threatening him with fire. They could even use this as a way to pull Liz back into the post office. EIther way, I think Ressler may get an inkling after seeing Mary’s facial burns.

One Parisian woman for another. Maddie Tolliver. Madeline Toussaint. Ressler has enough in his storylines to hand it to him. Alongside Ressler, Aram has enough in his storylines to find Liz's second memory wipe. Throw Aram’s conversation with Cooper about pronouns into a conversation wtih Ressler, and Ressler will be looking at Red’s medical file. They basically have to stick Aram and Ressler together when the time is right. Enough time and reason to have a gender-jumping conversation.

Mary: Open this door right now! I want to see her! Where is she?! The woman! I want to talk to her! Do you hear me?! Ugh! Open this door right now! I want to see her!

Again, nouns and pronouns. The woman from Paris is now the woman who abducted Mary. SHE and HER is not specific. That’s how they ran imposter Katarina in S7.

They're pushing "miracle" dialogues like it's nobody's business. They tie in their Diviner soundtrack. Everything they’re doing now is fated. It goes back to Red’s “knock on wood” in Roy Cain’s episode.

8x7 & 6x22

Sikorsky: I am told Rakitin is in play.

Dembe: The Townsend Directive. Our friend in Miami says it's in play.

I believe they’re pushing Red’s fingerprint back to Tom’s fingerprint - specifically on Diane Fowler’s record brush, running opposite the DNA CODIS search. By the time they’re done, I believe both sides will collide and head into Liz’s second memory wipe as they reveal two imposters - Tom and the woman from Paris.

#Rederina

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omniversalobservations · 7 years

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The Garden of Forking Paths (1941)

An anonymous narrator introduces a document that will, he assures us, shed a little light on why a British offensive against the Germans had to be delayed by thirteen days. The document is a deposition (oral testimony given by a witness to be used in a trial) given by Dr. Yu Tsun. The first two pages are missing, so its narration begins abruptly.

Having learned that his cover as a German spy in London has been blown, Yu Tsun has only minutes to plan his next move. He must escape from Captain Richard Madden, the Irishman who has murdered his co-conspirator in espionage, and complete his mission by delivering the location of a secret cache of British weapons to his boss in Germany, whom he refers to as The Chief. He checks the contents of his pockets – revealing a revolver with only one bullet – locates the address of the one person capable of passing on his missive, and runs to catch a train to the suburbs.

Madden nearly catches up with Yu Tsun at the station, but he misses the train, filling Tsun with a sense of confidence that he will complete his mission successfully. At the Ashgrove stop, some creepy-looking children direct Tsun to the home of Dr. Stephen Albert. Tsun follows their instructions, finding himself following a continually forking road. He finally arrives at a pavilion, or summer house, from which he can hear the familiar sounds of Chinese music.

A man named Stephen Albert greets Yu Tsun, speaking Chinese, and invites him to see the "garden of forking paths." Tsun identifies himself as a descendent of the creator of that very garden. Dr. Albert tells Tsun the story of his ancestor, Ts'ui Pen, a former governor who abandoned his political position to write a novel and build a labyrinth, or maze. In the opinion of his descendents, Ts'ui Pen had failed on both accounts – the novel made no chronological sense, and the labyrinth was never found.

Stephen Albert, who has studied Ts'ui Pen's legacy for some time, explains to Yu Tsun that "the garden of forking paths" and the novel are one and the same and that the novel's seemingly incompatible storylines present the idea of the bifurcation, or splitting, of time, rather than space. In other words, whenever the characters come to a point at which more than one outcome is possible, both outcomes occur. This causes the narrative to branch out into multiple narrative universes, which then provide the scenarios for new bifurcations.

Seeing Captain Madden approach, Yu Tsun expresses his gratitude to Dr. Albert for resolving the mystery of Ts'ui Pen's garden, then shoots him in the back. Though Madden succeeds in arresting Yu Tsun, Tsun has succeeded in relaying his message – the secret weapons stash is in the city of Albert. Tsun reads about the bombing of Albert by the Germans in the British papers, the same papers in which The Chief was able to read the report of the murder of Dr. Albert by Yu Tsun.

Source: Shmoop

The Garden of Forking Paths is an incomplete, but not false, image of the universe as Ts'ui Pen conceived it. In contrast to Newton and Schopenhauer, your ancestor did not believe in a uniform, absolute time. He believed in an infinite series of times, in a growing, dizzying net of divergent, convergent and parallel times. This network of times which approached one another, forked, broke off, or were unaware of one another for centuries, embraces all possibilities of time. We do not exist in the majority of these times; in some you exist and not I; in others I and not you; in others, both of us.

Source: The Reader in Question

“The Garden of Forking Paths” by Jorge Luis Borges follows Dr. Yu Tsun, a former English professor as he documents his interactions with Dr. Stephen Albert, a prominent Sinologist who has discovered the magnum opus of author Ts’ui Pen: a novel so vast and intricate it doubles as a labyrinth where all men get lost. The story itself contains multiple nested narratives: Dr. Albert’s explanation of his discovery is told through a letter written by Dr. Tsun as the professor attempts to escape his pursuer, which is then presented through what appears to be a history textbook or document archive. This nested characteristic of the story, along with the ideas that the story itself presents, serve as a perfect example of the multiverse theory, and a perfect parallel for the role that narratives in video games play.

But first, what exactly is multiverse theory?

Well, at it’s core, the idea behind multiverse theory arose when physicists noticed that the universe we currently live in is incredibly suited to support life as we know it. Anthony Aguirre, of the Department of Physics at UC Santa Cruz, notes that “In particular, it has been argued that if any one of six (or perhaps a few more) numbers did not have rather particular values, then life as we know it would not be possible…How, then, did we get so lucky as to be here?” (Aguirre 1). Multiverse theory was born out of that question as an attempt to explain this rather large coincidence. The idea is that there are many different universes with many different physical laws and constants, and we just happened to land in one of the ones that support life. This theory isn’t just speculation, either, as Physicist Andrei Linde claims that “nothing else fits the data…These are experimental facts, and these facts fit one theory: the multiverse theory” (Folger 5).

Multiverse theory is presented in “The Garden of Forking Paths” quite explicitly in the form of Ts’ui Pen’s labyrinth. Dr. Albert explains that the reason the novel is so convoluted and complex is because it is a written example of multiverse theory, explaining that “all possible outcomes occur; each one is the point of departure for other forkings…for example, you arrive at this house, but in one of the possible paths you are my enemy, in another, my friend” (Borges 26). This idea is where the parallels between this story and the concept of a video game narrative come into play.

Most commonly seen in RPGs, the thing that sets a video game apart from a traditional form of media like a book or a movie is that the player has the power to create their own story within the narrative that the developers of the game have created. For example, picking one dialogue option over the other can lock out or open up an entire section of the story or gameplay. In the game’s universe, only one specific order of events occurs: Player does Action A, event B happens, player responds with C, but that doesn’t mean that the other possibilities don’t exist. In fact, it’s very likely that the other paths do occur; they just occur in someone else’s playthrough of the game, essentially meaning that Player 1’s actions have created an in-game universe that is different from the universe created by Player 2’s actions. The characters in-game don’t have any idea that there are other paths available, but the players, who are observing outside of the game’s universe, do.

Overall, “The Garden of Forking Paths” is a clear example of multiverse theory depicted in such a way that it explains the complex narratives and multiple paths available in video games as a medium for storytelling. It explains the theory both explicitly through the references to the labyrinth, and indirectly through the overall structure of the work.

Source: Gaming the System

(image via Southern Cross Review)

#books #Jorge Luis Borges #multiverse #parallel worlds

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saras-almanac · 6 years

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letting go (robert/aaron, robert and vic - emmerdale)

Post Trial and Liv getting Robert arrested. Canon Divergence - After Robert’s released from prison and finds out who set him up, he’s not sure if he can be with Aaron anymore, not right now. Maybe it’s for the best, Aaron can’t be stuck in the middle if there’s only one other side. (Set right after 31 may 2016 and 01 june 2016 episodes.)

Written for Day Three of Robert Week - “Free Day.”

So as I was going through watching different scenes and storylines to try and determine what I wanted to write for this week, I just kept finding places that I almost wanted Robert and Aaron to break up or have actual conversations about things, and this one idea wouldn’t leave me alone. I have a little bit more written for this strange AU thing, but I’m not sure if I will actually write it or if it was just a fun exercise. I just really felt like exploring how that would go because... why not? Either way, sorry that it’s pretty sad and angsty. <my other robert week fics>

It had been going round and round his head all day, Why now? What did Ryan think he had to gain by speaking out now? Robert knew that Aaron didn’t want him to keep worrying about it, but at the end of the day, it was Robert’s neck on the line and he just couldn’t sort it out.

Aaron had tried his best to distract Robert all day, but Robert was only half-invested. Why now?

They were headed back to the pub after a short day at the scrapyard when Robert brought the subject up again. “I don’t get it. Ryan knew the score. If I go down, so does he. I paid him to keep quiet, why would he talk now? Put his neck on the line after all this time?”

They walked into the back room together when Aaron said, “Who knows?”

It caused something to lodge itself into Robert’s head, the nonchalant way Aaron said that. It was a far cry from the morning when Aaron had promised that they’d sort it out together and that Aaron wasn’t going to let Robert go to prison. But Robert couldn’t focus on that right now.

“Someone’s put him up to it,” Robert said. It’d been a niggle all day, but now that he’d said it out loud, it was the only thing that made sense.

“No one would wanna do that to ya, would they?” Aaron asked.

“Not unless someone’s made it worth his while,” Robert said, his mind churning. “Someone with a shedload of cash. Someone who hates my guts. Someone who was near his house yesterday. Where’s Liv?”

Robert turned to head back into the backroom as he heard Aaron say, “Robert, look.”

“I think me and your sister need to have a word,” Robert said. They had to get to the bottom of this.

“Robert she’s just a kid,” Aaron said, following Robert into the back room. “She didn’t think it through.”

The line stopped Robert cold. “Wait, you knew?”

The guilt was written all over’s Aaron’s face. He’d seen it off an on all day, but Robert had stupidly thought it was guilt that he was the reason Robert had done everything with Ryan.

“I only just found out,” Aaron said.

“I’ve been grassed up and you never said a word to me,” Robert said, feeling anger and fear building up.

“You’d already been arrested. Look, Liv knows she’s been stupid and she’s sorry,” Aaron said, twisting his hands together like he does when he’s nervous.

“You go on and on about honesty,” Robert said, shaking his head. “You’re meant to have my back!”

“I couldn’t stop it, it was too late.”

Robert could not believe what he was hearing. “I could go to prison for this Aaron.”

Aaron looked down, but didn’t say anything.

“What I did with Ryan, it was all for you,” Robert said quietly. “And you chose her over me.”

It was the familiar feeling of second-best washing over him. It was a feeing he’d known well, nearly all his life. He just never thought he’d feel it with Aaron.

It hurt when Aaron didn’t say anything. No denial. No explanation. Nothing. He just stood there, looking down.

“You two deserve each other,” Robert said. He walked out of the backroom, not able to be there for one more minute.

“Robert, wait,” Aaron said as he followed Robert into the pub.

Robert wasn’t about to stop. He couldn’t stop. He wanted to be angry and scared and sad, but he wasn’t about to be all that in front of Aaron. He couldn’t. Not anymore. Not right now.

Robert walked outside and started making his way toward Vic’s house.

“Robert, please, let’s talk about this,” Aaron said as he caught Robert’s arm in his hand to try and force him to stop.

“Talking’s not going to help anything,” Robert admitted.

“I said Liv’s been stupid. She made a mistake,” Aaron said.

“Yeah, and you knew that. You knew what she did and didn’t say anything to me about it,” Robert said. “Not a single word. What would have happened if I’d been charged? If they’d chucked me inside would you have even told me what happened?”

Aaron didn’t say anything to that and Robert had his answer.

“Aaron,” Robert said. “I can’t do this right now.”

“I don’t want to leave it like this,” Aaron said quietly.

“And I didn’t want to feel this way. Looks like we both won’t get what we want,” Robert said. He pulled his arm from Aaron’s hand and turned to walk away. He tucked his hands in his pockets and hunched in on himself as if that would somehow stop the hurt. It didn’t.

“Rob?” Vic called as she came home. “Why are you sat in the dark? Did you and Aaron have another fight?”

Robert didn’t say anything. Just stared down at the beer he’d opened but hadn’t drank out of yet.

“All right,” Vic said sitting down next to him. “Out with it, you.”

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Vic,” Robert admitted quietly.

“What do ya mean?”

“Aaron,” Robert said.

“But you love him,” Vic said.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “But I can’t keep coming in second-best.”

“To Liv? Rob, she’s just a kid,” Vic said.

“No, I know that,” Robert said. “And I get that she comes first but it’s starting to feel like I don’t come in at all.”

“What are you on about?” Vic asked.

“I can’t even trust him to be honest with me,” Robert shook his head. “He’d lie right to my face to protect Liv, even if means I’ll go down for it.”

“Go down for what, Rob? What have you got yourself into?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Robert shook his head. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Robert Sugden, you best start talking right now,” Vic demanded. “What’s brought all this on?”

He couldn’t tell his sister what he did with Ryan. “I just realized where I stand with Aaron, that’s all.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Vic said. “He loves the both of you.”

“He loves her more than me,” Robert said. “That’s not… I know I sound like a child having a tantrum, but it just hurts that he won’t have my back.”

Robert sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “She hates me. Absolutely hates me. Thinks I’m in the way of her and Aaron. She thought I killed her dad. She thought I’d been sending her mean messages. She wants me gone and tried to get me arrested… And Aaron’s never said anything.”

“Surely she didn’t think you’d kill Gordon?” Vic asked.

“No. She did,” Robert admitted. “Only after Chas and Aaron put it in her head.”

“They wouldn’t,” Vic said.

“I’m just… tired,” Robert said, hating that his voice broke. “I fight with Chas. Aaron’s family. Now Liv. I only wanted to be with Aaron, but I can’t keep doing this. I know I’m a disaster, but I tried, I really have. But there’s only so much I can do.

“And Aaron, he’s caught in the middle. He doesn’t want to make his sister feel alone and I get that, but that means he just chucks me out.” Robert took a breath. “I don’t want him to feel like he has to keep choosing. And so long as Liv’s around and his entire family hates me, he’s going to keep feeling that way.”

“Rob, what are you saying?”

“I think I have to end things with him,” Robert said.

“But you only really got back together!” Vic said. “You haven’t even given it a proper chance yet!”

“I know,” Robert said. “Trust me, I know.”

“Why don’t ya sleep on it, yeah? You might feel better in the morning,” Vic suggested.

“I doubt it, but I really don’t want to have this conversation tonight,” Robert said. His phone buzzed and it was Aaron once again trying to contact him. “I’m just going to bed.”

Robert left his buzzing phone on the table and leaving Vic to think whatever she liked about him and his current disaster in his love life.

Robert walked back into the backroom at the pub, feeling more nervous that he ought to. He was doing the right thing. Or at least, trying to do the right thing.

“Robert,” Aaron said, jumping up from the table. “I’ve been ringing ya.”

“Yeah, I know,” Robert said. “I wasn’t ready to talk.”

“But you are now?”

“Sort of,” Robert said.

“Sort of? What do ya mean?”

“Why don’t we sit down?” Robert suggested.

“Robert, you’re worrying me,” Aaron said and stubbornly refused to sit.

“Look, Aaron, this whole thing is a mess,” Robert said bluntly.

“I know and I’m sorry,” Aaron said.

“You know what I was thinking about while they held me there?” Robert asked. Aaron shook his head. “I was so worried about what was going to happen to you and Liv if I got sent down. I was thinking about how you’d cope and how I was going to protect ya, both of ya, if I was inside.”

“Rob—”

“And then you didn’t even tell me what had happened. You sat there all day, listening to me worry about Ryan and trying to figure it all out. And you said nothing to me,” Robert said.

“What was I supposed to say?” Aaron asked. “My little sister just reported you to the police cause she still sort of hates ya?”

“Yes,” Robert said. “So I’d know what I was up against.”

“You might have gotten mad and dropped her in it,” Aaron said.

“You really think I’d do that to you?” Robert asked.

“I don’t know,” Aaron admitted.

Robert laughed because what else was he going to do? “I didn’t come here to has this all out again.”

“But we have to get passed this, Robert,” Aaron said. “I need you two to get on.”

“No,” Robert said. “What you need is for me to go.”

Aaron froze. “What?”

“I’ve been fighting against everyone for so long, Aaron, I can’t do it anymore. Your family don’t want me anywhere near you. Your sister hates me. She thinks I’m interfering with your relationship. And she’s not wrong. It always seems to come down to her and me fighting for your attention. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to put you in that position anymore of having to choose me.”

“So you’re done with me?” Aaron asked as his eyes filled with water. “After everything.”

Robert nodded and reached out to grab at Aaron’s upper arms. “I have to be. You’re supposed to be getting better and healing. My being here is just causing you grief.”

“But I want you here,” Aaron said.

“Maybe,” Robert agreed. “But I don’t know if I can do this right now, Aaron. I want to be there for you, so badly, but I can’t keep fighting with your mum and your sister over you. Especially when I know exactly where I stand.”

“Where do you stand?” Aaron asked.

“At the bottom,” Robert said. “And I understand. I get it, I do. My sister means everything to me, too. But… it’s killing me to listen to your sister throw accusations against me around and then not have you not say a single word for me.”

“I’ve talked to her about it,” Aaron said.

“But how many more times are we going to go through this?” Robert asked. “I know how important your family is to you. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose anymore.”

“Robert, no.” Aaron wiped at his eyes and reached up to grip Robert’s wrists in his hands. “Please don’t do this. I can’t face this without ya.”

“You don’t need me, Aaron,” Robert said. “You never did. And I only brought you trouble.”

“That’s not true,” Aaron tried to argue.

“It is,” Robert said. “And now you won’t have to worry about me so you can go and focus on your sister and getting better, yeah?”

Aaron crumbled and Robert couldn’t help but pull him into his arms. He rubbed and Aaron’s back as he clutched onto Robert. Robert’s eyes burned as he fought to hold back tears as well. He didn’t want to give Aaron up, not really. But he knew that this was the only thing he could do to make things easier for Aaron.

“Please, Robert,” Aaron begged. “Don’t do this.”

“I have to,” Robert said. “We were going round in circles.”

Robert kissed Aaron’s head before pulling away slowly.

“I’ll always care about ya,” Robert promised. “You just take care of yourself and Liv, yeah?”

Aaron didn’t say anything and Robert let him go and walked out of the backroom.

“Robert?” Vic asked. “How did it go? You talk to him?”

Robert nodded and closed his eyes to keep the tears at bay until he was out of here. “Go check on him, yeah?”

“What about you, Rob?” Vic asked.

“I’m just heading back to yours,” Robert told her. “I don’t want him to be alone.”

Robert didn’t stay to find out if she listened or not because he had to get out there.

#not sure if i'll actually continue this or not #but it's really fun to write really sad stuff sometimes #robertweek2018 #rw2018 #robron #emmerdale fic #robert sugden #aaron dingle #victoria sugden #my writing

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