#and then the other halfs like rememver when u got outted when u didnt want to be and it made ú break down at any mention of the topic

[pissedchicken]

ive been really upset the past couple of days and i just want to put everything somewhere so i can stop feeling so miserable and just Let It Go

so my orchestra was in the process of putting together a big concert to raise money for our Big Trip right and our conductor hands out the seating chart right!!! n he gave me first chair for the hardest song and said to me i heard you practice and saw how hard u worked- will u be ok sitting here? n i was lik omg yes im terrfied but i want to bc he haqsnt let me sit anywhere near first chair since eigth grade and i was lik wow mayb hell stop seeing me as a third wheel and i can finally make him proud of me and he trusts me enough to lead the entire orchestra and it made me so happy i couldnt believe it bc all the hours i spent practicing were finally!!! paying off

but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked the concert master goes u really think u can sit there for that song n shes already bitter bc shes used to bein see as better than everyone else and having things given to her and the other people in our section begin to get on me too lik - do even know how to play this song? do u really think u can do it? n it just hurt me so much tht no one was happy for me or had faith tht i could b a leader for even one song i was so nervous all during rehearsal i couldnt even be like ill prove them wrong because they were right i fake my way through everything i dont even deserve to sit there and somehow right when we get to tht song rehearsal ends up being a train wreck

and the concert master sitting behind me picks on my every little mistake and says this was such a mistake why did he let her sit up there i was using her copy of music which she didnt number the measures or add in all of the bowings which goT me in trouble from our conductor bc i didnt kno where to start and i messed up oNe bowings which i fixed immediately and the cm lectured me for it

and then i go home i wake up and i cry all morning bc wow what a disaster i am worthless and no one really cares about me it seems and im debating just giving the cm her seat back so she n everyone else can be happy bc it seems lik im not the best choice for this anyway but i dont want to look like a quitter but i talked to my best friend who is also the assistant concert master and he was lik u kno u really deserve it and i want u to sit up there n cm can get over herself for one song and let u do it so i pull myself together and practice some more so that i can be perfect during the final rehearsal on the day of the concert n i arrive ive listened to my piece so many times tht i hav the entrances and diffficult parts memorized n ik i can play them even if theyre a lil less than perfect but god knows no one in our section can actually play it anyway and everything in rehearsal is going great bc im confident n happy this time and finally its my turn to sit first for my song and our conductor goes

sarah do u mind sitting back here instead for this song

and my mind goes blank and i just? make it through the song only barely trying not to cry bc i was so stressed and upset bc of everyone and thinking wow i can make my mom proud my conductor is proud of me my section will see im not a mistake well jokes on me bc thats exactly what it looked lik n im just so EMBARRASSED bc i really thought hed hav enough faith in me to go through w it and the cm is just smilely and happy bc she got her seat back and she doesnt have to share anymore and my mom ends up coming to get me bc i cant stand being in the same room w them and i cry for n hour and a half before i go back to wait for call time my dad tells me hes not coming to support me at the concert bc he pays child support and thts the same thing as going to the concert and its just makes me feel worse bc not wven my dad wnats to see me play and the assistant concert master calls me bc hes feelin lik shit too bc hes lik u didnt do anything wrong u dont deserve to hav ur seat taken away im gonna ask the conductor if u can sit second chair for the song since u were supposed to be up there anyway and not me and i go nO u r Not giving up ur SEAt sit ur ass Down in that chair or give it to joseph (our little sophomore who was my stand partner for the song) bc he worked so hard and he can play it so well tht if anyone deserves to sit up there its Him i ended up sitting all alone in the dressing room bc the concert master is pretending she cant see me and im not really close withm any of the girls bc im one of the few upper classmen and the younger kids hav their own friend groups and then right in front of me as the girls r doin their makeup and she knows im in there bc im sitting right behind her she says to someone else i thought was my best friend until i came out of the closet and she stopped talking to me too she just starts talking shit about me and im just? in disbelief

n before all this i considered the concert master to b one of my best friends u kno? lik we literally hav been playing together for 7 years now n we hav a group chat w the assistant cm where we talk about Everything bc were so Close u kno

n i just feel worse and worse and right bfore we go onstage my conductor pulls me aside and hes lik its not u it was just the vibe of the section and im lik ye sure jane we all kno u play favorites uve been doin it since i was in 6th grade my dude this is nothing new but if tht really were the case i wish he just hadnt given me false hope in the first place but i dont complain bc im not a baby i can respect other peoples decisions n my buddy joseph who was moved w me bc Plan Get Joseph To Second was destroyed by the conductor tells me tht cm asked him why we were so b it t er and im lik? haha :-) and all noght through intermissions cm says things lik this night is going perfectly exactly as i wanted it to n me n the assistant n joseph r all bitter as fUck n as the night goes on im just so Tired bc of everything my playing gets worse wnd worse and its making me feel lik shit bc everyone is so Happy and i just Cant Be bc the day was Ruined for me n the funny part is we get to the song i was supposed to play the cm messes up everyrhinf i messed up on- except durin the actual concert im the one who plays everything right

n then my mom goes and invites the cm and the acm to dinner w us n i hav to pretend lik she never said anything and i guess that made me happy for a while but everything she said just came back to me this morning n i just want to be happy n Over It im tired of wasting my energy bc she felt the need to b petty bc she didnt get her way apparently she told my mom tht she didnt kno tht i wanted to play it and she didnt kno i was upset either but then again she would bc im :-) the greatest at being a fake bitch

YA LMAO I HAV MORE TO B PETTY ABOUT I JUST REMEMVERED so at the very end of the concert the conductor shakes hands w people who sit first chair right and i sat up there for the three easiest songs right so he shakes everyones hands he gets to me and walks right by and im lik LMAO U REALLY DID THAT👏👏👏👏👏 backstage he patted my back and goes thanks sarah and im lik tHANKS FOR WHAT th a nk s for what 🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝 the moist star sees all

#thts pretty much everything #lik yeah mayb it was best for the orchestra but the way he went about it was just lik #insulting #n embarrassing #ignore #now on our Big Trip i have to Room with Her #n lik... ive hated violin for years i stopped getting enjoyment out of it when it started bein stressful rather than fun n ive said tht in #other ignore posts too #lik giving it up hurts me more than anything bc I Fell in Love with it but its just #bc it doesnt make me happy anymore #hhh idk how to explain myself im just #feeling so complicated #but im done i think #reading this just makes me feel lik i was being a big baby.. #but i just want to feel lik my feelings r valid too for once u kno