#and they cant really do that if theyre sleeping

[ssparksflyy]

hello! can i request jason grace or leo valdez x child of hypnos reader ? (gn) 🫶🏻🫶🏻

ask and thou shall receive ༉‧₊˚.

jason grace dating hcs! ٩(ˊ〇ˋ*) ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

pairing: jason grace x child of hypnos!reader warning(s): none!! js fluff :) a/n: i love children of hypnos, u stay sleepy ! also me writing this running off five hours of sleep ( the most ive gotten this week ) yikes..

mr gets up willingly at six am nd his sleepy lover ♡

there are times where u literally have to beg jason to go back to bed cause omfg what r u doing. its six am. no u r not going to go run. no the early bird doesnt get the worm. go. back. to. sleep.

hey nd most times it works cause the thought of holding u close and a sweet sweet dream is enough to get him back in bed

but other times noooo he goes running 🙄

what is bro running from? sleep???

omg but then literally knocks tf out by like nine

one of the times when you had a sleepover planned together

you were running a little late cause ur cabin's ac wasnt working nd everybody was tweaking out

so you had to stay behind and help fix it

by the time you finished and ran over to cabin one , jason was already passed out nd lightly snoring 😭

mind you it was like 9:15 pm

its ok tho u were tired asf too , who knew fixing the ac could be so hard ??

he apologized sm in the morning tho

but u were like its okay el oh el

he cant help it bro he needs his sleep almost as much as he needs you

its better that he falls asleep early than stay up super late tho

cause like when he was helping plan out the new cabins, it was impossible to convince him to go to sleep

he wouldnt stop working nd u were like 😠 fool 😠 go to sleep 😠

nd he was like no thank youuuuu ♡

so you used your powers on him cause he hadNT SLEPT IN DAYS

u were both mad at each other in the morning and things were painfully tense

but you sat down nd talked it out like mature ppl ♡

he srsly hates fighting, he already does it with monsters nd shit so much, he doesnt want to do it w you :(

he apologized for being ignorant and promised he would be better about taking care of himself instead of burying himself in work

you apologized for using your powers on him without saying anything first, and promised you wouldn't do it again ( unless its necessary ) :))

to this day, youve still kept your promises ♡

jason is SUCH a sucker for when you touch his hair

the most relaxing thing everrrrr

i will die on this hill ppl dont play w me

his hair would be soft asf bro

best believe he uses a good conditioner !!

he lets u play w his hair nd do wtv u want with it cause like ~relaxing~

so best believe you have a 0.5 of him with all his hair tied up and looking like a palm tree

0.5s of jason would literally be flawless asf but scary

cause ur like omg by bf is so cute- god DAMN somebody get this man contacts

he looks amazing but THEM EYES

terrifying. staring into ur soul.

theyre cute tho ♡♡

you OBVI have matching pjs

i cannot decide if jason would go to sleep w just pj pants nd no shirt or if would have light blue and white striped pants, a button up shirt, slippers, a cap with a little fuzzy ball at the end, nd a candlestick

jason grace is a SPECTRUM OKAY

but he buys u so many plushies ugh

you own so many jellycats im so jealous

he helps u name them nd their literally ur children like

u have matching build-a-bears !!!

the voice memos are messages u made for each other :(

his to u is a quick ramble about how much he loves u but gets cut off cause he only had 20 seconds ♡♡

nd u get matching outfits for them!!

urs is named 'sleepy' and his is named 'sparky' ♡

i feel like jason gets some real bad nightmares

like yea every demigod does but he gets his more frequently nd their more graphic bcs of what he's seen and gone through :(

most of the time they arent even messages from his dad, theyre just really bad flashbacks of horrible times in his life

but ever since you started spending ur nights together, theyve toned down so much

now he even gets dreams abt your future together sometimes :((

he really wants to tell you about those dreams cause they feel so real but hes scared that youll think its weird or get uncomfortable

little does he know you get those exact same dreams ♡

and on the same nights as he does...

CAUSE UR MEETING IN UR DREAMSSSSSSS

nd thats how ur dad shows his love to you !

zeus doesnt gaf. wtv we dont like him anyway

i mean sometimes hes like erm gtfo my cabin 🤨

but doesn't actually do anything

u literally dont care for anybody's thoughts tho cause you bagged a baddie as sleepy as you ♡

an two: ik i didnt talk abt sleepovers together but like ive got a jason fic called sleepover (thats also gn!) if u wanted to read that :DD but i hoped u enjoyed and have a good day/night!! GO STREAM THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT.

peace from manhattan,

percy jackson ♡

#percy jackson #pjo #heroes of olympus #pjo x reader #heroes of olympus x reader #hoo x reader #jason grace #jason grace x reader #percy jackson x reader #by bells ♡⋆ ࣪.

[cathartic-crypt]

im continuing my benny posting by sharing my benny hcs. in no particular order. and very quickly typed up. enjoy ^_^

- tattooed. he has lots and lots and lots of tattoos from when he was a boot rider. all kinds of tattoos. some desert themed, some things based around him, some others depicting things he just likes. he doesnt mind them much nowadays, hes so used to them that he sees them as part of his skin. although hes a little bit iffy about showing others his old tattoos. hes got an image to upkeep after all - speaking of boot riders. he got a canine knocked out by bingo during their fight. so he got a gold one fitted shortly after he became the leader of the chairmen. and it glints like hell - he wears lots of gold jewellery. especially pre-war rings. he prefers engraved ones, ones with little images etched into the metal or ones with short messages rather than ones with gems. he also wears a cross necklace under his shirt - despite his gun and necklace...hes not christian. like at all. he doesnt care for religion and hasnt read anything about the engraving on his pistol or the meaning of necklace. he just likes how flashy and elaborate the imagery looks - by the time the courier rolls around hes 31. he's also 5'5". - he has a dad bod. i will personally fistfight anyone who draws him muscular and dehydrated. living the cushy and comfortable life of a casino boss means hes not some lean bodybuilder - however...thats not to say he ISNT strong or that hes unhealthy. he has a really high endurance, and can last for a long while out in the desert. also he doesnt like admitting it but hes probably a fraction better at straight up punching someone than shooting them at point blank range - since he was always outside and always doing something, he used to have super calloused hands. but again, casino life means theyre much more pampered and soft now - however hes still got one hell of a grip. he can very easily grab you by your shirt and throw you out of the front door without even breaking a sweat - hes Bi. theres literally no way he isnt, fuck you. BUT he really isnt one for meaningful romantic connections, he much prefers something quick with zero extra baggage (i.e. one night stands, friends with benefits) - hes super nosy. and almost terrifyingly good at recognising and remembering faces. he sees a new face in the tops that he doesnt instantly match to a regular? he needs to know their name. and then he promptly loses all interest because the mystery is lost and the people turn out to be, by all things considered, really fucking boring - even further...anyone who doesnt fall for his charismatic charm (or, even worse, doesnt care about his reputation) becomes a nuisance and he NEEDS to at least form some sort of impression on them, be it good or bad. like full on “if you dont form an opinion about me i will pull my own hair out” - he used to have an absolute love for geckos. he didnt tame them, he was more so inclined to hunt than to nurture, but he would feed scraps to the younger ones - which meant they began to follow him around from time to time... not anymore though. he thinks theyre dirty and brutish and a reflection of what it was like to be a boot rider - hes called Benny Boots (mockingly) by people around the strip. at least by those who knows about the three families past. other than that his last name is Gecko. he also personally calls himself Benny 'New Vegas' sometimes as a sort of boastful title because he thinks hes the shining face (not the heart, mind you - thats House) of the strip - hes a huge morning person. its something he picked up, and cant get rid of, from the boot rider days. he wakes up super early in the morning, rising with the sun - and hates sleeping in because he feels like hes wasting time. he goes to sleep pretty late, since new vegas is awake at night, but he doesnt feel tired. a couple hours of sleep is good enough for him.

#ooouoououh this was rlly fun to think abt ngl :3 #it talks #fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #benny gecko #fnv benny #benny fnv #benny new vegas #fallout headcanons #headcanon #head canon #bootriders #fnv the tops #the tops

[skitskatdacat63]

I should've been sleeping before my flight but instead I drew Seb as Antinous :D

Reference + Commentary:

SEB IS MY MODERN DAY ANTINOUS, OKAY!? I WOULD DEIFY HIM IF I COULD!!!

But seriously I spent like an hour obsessing over statues of Antinous just thinking; "holy fuck, he reminds me so much of Seb???"

Big, pretty eyes? Check. Magnificent curls? Check. Beautiful side profile? Check. Etc etc.

I read this description of a statue and was instantly struck with "this is so Seb.":

"The body and face of this sculpture are in idealized youth, with plump cheeks and round face, and his hair is usually unkempt. Antinous's hair has also been described as artificial looking, even wig-like, because of how similar the placement of his hair is across statues. His youthful appearance, large eyes, pouting lips, and layered locks of hair over his forehead are some of the iconography that can be used to identify him"(x)

Also which AU of mine is this hmmm. It can be either the Renaissance Muse AU(x) or the random Roman Caesar Fernando AU(x) I drew it with the latter in mind(bcs its basis is literally just Hadrian and Antinous), but it's fun to imagine the Martian version as well!! Maybe an AU of an AU, where Mark is Pygmalion, and Seb is Galatea 🤭🤭

#I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY BRAIN #cant draw all week when i have limitless free time #and then when i should really be sleeping: boom suddenly can draw something again #i am so tired rn its horrible. my flight got delayed so ill try and get a bit of sleep but yeah.... #HAPPY WITH THIS THOUGH #tried to color it regularly and i didnt like it so then i made it more marbley ykow #but now i cant stop thinking of seb as antinous #THERES SO MANY GOOD STATUES AND BUSTS AND THEYRE BOTH SO PRETTY AAAAHHHH #this is just the boy king statue all over again okay.....(nothing can be as good as that tho hahaha) #well yes anyways antinous = seb. thats my new historical thesis #f1 #formula 1 #sebastian vettel #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #sv5 #renaissance muse au

[lollytea]

She was driven mad by the truth (Clover and Emmeline love Hunter to pieces)

#that scene in ftf makes me fucking insane!!!! #their concerned little faces as they trail after him #like. hes not going anywhere. hes just pacing. they dont need to do this #but theyre silly brainless little creatures. they dont really know how to comfort him. #all they know is that hes sad :( and they are filled with love for him :( so they want to be close to him so hes less alone :( #do you ever think about how #clover and emmeline spent who knows how many years lost and forgotten #without a witch #i feel like a bond with a witch is the core of any palisman. they feel a void if they dont have one #so their little brains can certainly put together how devastated hunter must be to lose his ''other half'' #its literally the worst thing their little brains could think of. its heartbreaking for them to see #but again. thryre not the brightest. theyre just like ''he's all alone'' :( #so their solution is to attach themselves to him so hes not alone #thats all they can think to do. theyre trying #also i feel like a part of their love for hunter is influenced by willow and gus' love for hunter #considering witches and palismen have a mental link im sure they fully understand just how deep the adoration for this boy runs #and thats all the reason they need to love him too #(i cant sleep. so you get very emotional babbling about palismen)

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

oh god wait. so if the episodes are "days" to the puppets, and traditionally, new episodes air once per week... then are the puppets only ever awake for one day per week? if that, cause wouldn't episodes only be about an hour long, probs less? so they're awake for however long it takes to film one episode, and then they sleep until the next.

and if Wally doesn't sleep...

#h. hold on a second hold. i need a minute hold on- #is wally awake and alone in the dark for a week at a time #waiting for his next chance to see his friends. to see anyone at all other than Home #how does it feel to him when he goes an episode - maybe multiple without seeing certain neighbors #bc it was implied on the website that some episodes don't have every character interact with wally during his shenanigans #oh fuck and if the show Ended... and he continued on... how many years has he been in the empty dark with only creaks for company #sobs loudly i cant do this- #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #i really hope they get to be awake each 'day' #i put it in quotes bc wasnt it also implied that their days are vastly different from ours #but they probably arent. theyre probably sleeping for a full week at a time #clawing at the walls over this im so emotional #do you think wally like... goes to their houses to visit them while they sleep #hm now im remembering that barnaby and wally sleepover piece clown drew #and im seeing it in an Entirely new and Vastly More Sad light

[moodr1ng]

another reason i think all drugs should be legal and cheap is i think i could do a better job prescribing my own meds than my psych does ngl. like im p sure one reason ive been feeling so dogshit recently is the psych meds im on that also do literally nothing for me (theyre supposed to be mood regulators. for my depression. i am severely suicidal months on these meds. like..?) but when i misuse my prescription drugs (opioids and benzos) i manage to feel much better and often can actually get enough energy and feel well enough to do stuff ive been putting off. i literally only cook for myself while misusing my prescription drugs. if i could just decide for myself what meds i take and when i would probably be doing much better and at the very least i wouldnt keep taking meds that do NOTHING but make me feel like trash.

#97 #substance use #me: when i take my sleeping pills early i stop having anxiety and i feel much better and often want to do art and cook and do my chores #and i feel like these would actually help me day to day not just for sleep but like. for my anxiety and constant malaise #my psych: yeah but theyre addictive! #like.. yeah i dont really give a shit? if they could help me live my fucking life i dont rly care if i get addicted #whats the definition of addiction anyway? if i actually medically need it is it an addiction or is it just that i need my meds? #like am i also 'addicted' to my adhd meds bc i cant function well if i stop taking them? #or is that just.. the meds fucking working???

[theblackdog-taylorsversion]

.

#i really fucking hate my brain right now #i put on a pair of jeans today #and they're the only jeans i bought when i was at my lowest with my eating #which means they're the smallest ones i have #and i put them on td and they were tighter than usual #and i fucking hate that im using them as a yardstick for my body but i still do it #and i know logically they're just tighter because 1. im actually fucking eating properly #and 2. i'm bloated anyway from my period #but there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming at me that im not fucking good enough and nobody will ever want me #and i've made alot of progress with my eating #i've not intentionally skipped a meal in almost a month #but my mind wont shut the fuck up #and my partner always says “text me if you need me” but i cant #because it's the middle of the night and for once #for ONCE #theyre actually taking care of themselves and sleeping #and it'd be so shitty to ruin that because i know that thats really hard for them #so now i'm just lying in the dark listening to music #and trying to drown out my thoughts with it #but it's not fucking working and nothings fucking working and im so so scared im going to relapse again #because i dont want to do that anymore but i dont feel like i have a fucking choice #and nobody will probably read this except alex #gods bless them #but i just needed to write the words #because if i dont do something #i'll do something else that id regret a lot more #tw eating #tw eating disorder #ed vent

[batz]

-

#oaghhh diamox has me feeling really sick its the worst #i cant get outta bed i cant eat i cant do Anything ! just in pain and laying n bed #still have no idea why they have me back on these meds bc its making things So much worse :( #but unfortunately doctors even neurlogists only focus on weightloss and diamox already made me lose almost 100 pounds i feel SICK #felt healthier when i didnt lose that weight i am being 100% honest here. i hate diamox so fuckig much #frank.txt #also makes my body pain so much worse idk i just hate this brain thing #im thinking of just . stopping the meds even tho my neurologist says not to bc like even he says theyr not making a difference!!! #but he wants me on them so he can compliment my body shrinking every god damn appointment and remind me of how sick i am and feel #eugh #again . diamox doesnt impact my veins and im having an issue w veins in my neck and brain #bc of that im dealing w some pain. they fix that by putting in a stent but instead they just rlly want to like #see How Much Frankie Can Shrink #and ignore the fact that alll they can do is sleep bc theyr shrinking too much #fatphobia m #at least i gain back the weight and feel a million times better when im off tbe meds but still i hate it so bad #they even notice that i feel better after regaining the weight i lost and my optic nerves r no longer Damaged but like #idk . #its just Frustrating ! chronic illness moment

[larabar]

Please give more info for your Frontiers au, it makes me very happy

HI YES ALWAYS

this is late because i wanted to have a little more to show you than i had before but Anyway

ok .ok so

each character in the game had their own Main Issue/Thing. amy's was .idk love and wanting to share it with others. knux's was his ancestors and his own past, learning to get off angel island once in a while. and tails' was all about his independence

but for sonic it was really hard to find something sjdnfj since he doesn't really have anything to go off of (flat character and all that) but. i got thinking about how cyberspace affected each character and just how it Works

from what i understand, being stuck between cyberspace and reality has no feeling to it, no sense of being 'grounded', and all that other fun stuff .

and that sounds like a living hell for sonic

he can't do anything. he can run but it doesn't give him the same feeling because there is no feeling. the most he can do is just sit back and wait till everything's fixed.

y'know what just take this

not finished but it gets my point across and also im so normal about these two

#also .little things #when any character thats trapped in cyberspace gets angry or something i think they should get more glitchy. like theyre flaring up #this is just an excuse to let sonic hang out with the koco more #they love him a lot its like second nature for sonic to get along with little guys #pretty sure theres a cutscene with tails where he just. runs through a portal HE MADE into cyberspace #so can they move freely between the two realities ?? #really really hoping the dlc gives us more info on all this half ghost stuff i must know #OH AND im still trying to figure out if the cyber ghost characters could hypothetically leave their respective islands #like are they literally stuck there or is it just the fact that theyre islands and theres no clear way across them #can they meet each other in cyberspace ? or is it different for everyone no matter what so theyre always in different places #can the cyber ghost characters touch each other or is it the same as anything else #um anyways .thats all for today =] <cant sleep because of all these thoughts and more #its .1am.goodnight #<ME LAST NIGHT #it is afternoon now .sorry this took so long i just wanna talk about this so bad but i have no idea how to do that #but uh yeah thanks for asking about it !! genuinely made me so so happy #i wanna finish that cutscene concept sometime soon they are rotting my brain as we speak #sth #doodles #asks #sonic frontiers #sonic frontiers spoilers #frontiers role swap

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[skrunksthatwunk]

yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least

#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill #i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely #i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK #ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE #i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short #it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD #i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!! #hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird #i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT #this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything #i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh #and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons #but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out #and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too #bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months #but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh #and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week #i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still #mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably #deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn #just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy

[caluski]

my sincerest apologies to the poor outdoor spider that i killed in a murderous OP slamming blast against my wall. in my defense however the brief confidence boost it gave me felt very good.

#pogaduchy #im sorry i understand people who take spiders outside. i really do know where youre coming from. but it will never be me #fucking HORRIFIED of those. and like the skinny spiders i let die of old age but the ones with thick legs? hairy ones? cant sleep at night #when i know theyre around.

[haemosexuality]

one thing that always made me doubt my autism self diagnosis is special interests. my life has always been dictated by my very strong hyperfixations (since i was a baby!), but those are different from SI and i felt like nothing that i had matched the description of special interests. but i just fucking realized. that my special interest is English

#im still a bit confused on what a special interest is exactly #but from my understanding its ''kind of like a hyperfixation but way more long term and not as obsessive'' #like hyperfixations are something that youre extremely obsessed and focused on for a period of time (from my experience ranging from a few #weeks to a couple of years) and during that period your entire life revolves around the thing youre hyperfixated on #its all you can think about all you can talk about all you can do it literally like possesses you and takes you over. you forget to eat and #drink and sleep and go to the bathroom because You Cant Stop Doing The Thing #eventually tho they fizzle out and tou move on #special interests however Dont fizzle out. theyre forever or at least for a really really long time. and theyre something you love and enjoy #learning all about but its not an overwhelming obsession like a hyperfixation is #my longest ever hyperfixations lasted from a year to almost two years #ive been consistently interested/in love/extremely excited about learning and speaking english since i was at least Six. couldve been #even younger i dont remember #ive Always enjoyed and seeked out learning english and ive always been advanced compared to other ppl my age because of how much #i like it #its shaped my whole life i mean i just wrote this whole ass thing in english #i love speaking in english and reading in english etc etc. always have. this is so eye opening for me #cool!!!!!

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*) #they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person. #but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep. #sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me? #i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them. #trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

[im2tired4usernames]

They stole any possible joy of motherhood I could have possibly wanted they stole my entire childhood they stole my teenage years my twenties and they continue to steal my future they won't be happy untill they've taken my whole life

#i hope your in fuckin hell you ugly cultist bitch i hope your getting what you deserve dad i hope karma hits you #i hope all your children grow up to hate you #quiverfull parents are monsters and they all deserve a place in hell #i hope my next life is that is a thing i get freedom and respect in my life #i hope they get a say in their life snd are well loved well rested and happy #im tired of being alive im so fuckin tired of my life #i cant die because there's wo many people who depend on me but fuck life sucks and it really is 100 because of my parents #i wish my future was actually reachable #i wish people would stop using me #i love my siblings i love spending time and caring for them #but i look at all my other siblings and my dad who fits in dates multiple times a week #who get jobs that pay that they enjoy they get hobbies they are responsible for themselves and only themselves they are starting families #they're getting to experience what it's like to be allowed to be a teen a 20 something a fuckin human person they go to concerts they sleep #when theyre tired they use their money for their own bills and wants and needs they get to go do things with they're partners as often as #they'd like to they get to EXPERIENCE LIFE WHILE I TAKE ON ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY #i want to be able to move in with my partner go in dates do things with friends get married write books draw get a job #i want to grow and change #they get to experience young adult life i get the adult responsibility but not the life experience or world knowledge or wisdom #I'm supposed to be the friendless sexless constant caretaker whos hobbies are dishes and vacuuming #that being said i cant make a future if no one is willing to make a move i cant be the only person trying to grow up #this includes my partner my siblings my dad they all need to make steps for our goals or we'll be stuck in a stagnant bullshit of 'someday' #constantly daydreamin about a future that'll never come i need to start making steps for it and i need other people to start making steps to #gwt ready to start growing up I'm not goin to let people keep holding me back forever my life is goin to fucking change or I'm goin to die

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals #and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away #from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird #ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas #there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil #lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit #like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside #all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶 #maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha #ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i #dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January #so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes #just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im #afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see #me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over #im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol #i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful #unrelated