#and they wonder why I have an eating disorder

[gh0vtzb1og]

It’s not abusive if you like it. VENT WRITING, GHOST X FEM READER

So I decided I was gonna write something that matches me and my not so good bfs situation. My bf is playing as ghost in this and I’ll be trying to get it as realistic as possible. Me and him are online, which seems silly over the fact all this can happen but it did. But for entertainment purposes this relationship in the story will be irl.

Notes; Eating disorders, fat shaming, homophobic slurs, threats of abuse, threats of murder, toxicity, mental abuse, attempted overdose and suicide, manipulation, isolation, cheating, threats of leaving, yelling, victim blaming, playing the victim, mocking of a dead relative, abuse, etc.

This is in no way meant to be enjoyed sexually, even if it is included with a character you might find attractive. This is a real story that I am writing to get out of my system and to share my personal story.

You were walking down an empty road in the middle of October, your mind wondering to the new friend you had made, he was certainly attractive and a sweetheart to you! He was always so kind and caring towards you and never made you feel bad, I mean how could he, he was your perfect man! Always there to pick you up when you needed it the most, your heart raced when he talked to you.

You were head over heels for devil in disguise. He had this charm, always talking to you about how lonely and single he was, you felt so bad! He was such a dreamy guy, and he’d been through so much. Ghost told you about his abusive exs, the way one threatened to rape and kill him, it was fucking awful. He seemed to wrap you right up in his fingers, whispering soft ‘I love yous’ that you thought were platonic, he found it cute how you never could tell he was giving you a sign.

Ghost made you feel like you were on cloud nine, he had moved you into his home. Deciding you’d be safer there, you were always waiting for him every day to get back from work, he seemed so excited to see you. To see his pretty pretty doll. Your legs squeezed together excitedly whenever you saw him. He liked exciting you, he loved that innocent look in your eye, one that just wanted a friend. You didn’t see ghost as anything more, that was the problem, that was what ached him each night.

He always saw you texting others, you were so friendly, he hated it. If you were his lover he’d snap your phone, you didn’t need to talk to anyone? That’s why you had him! He didn’t want to house you as you texted others, you shouldn’t even look at other men. Ghost rubbed your shoulders lovingly, he’d make everyone hate you, he’d make you regret living.

“Soo I was wondering, if you’d wanna go try something out, since we’re so close.” He placed a hand on your thigh, his rough and scarred fingers brushing over your leg and up your thigh. He knew what he wanted, he was gonna get it, like it or not. He’d have you wrapped around his ring finger. Whispering soft things to you.

-

Screaming echoed throughout your shared home, the sounds of anger booming from ghosts voice and fear echoing out of yours.

“SORRY IM NOT FUCKING ABUSIVE LIKE YOU ARE?” He shouted in your face, his hand gripping your wrist to the point where he could break it. His eyes were narrowed at you, teeth grit in an uncomfortable expression. “You should’ve just overdosed that night. I wish I never fucking helped you.” He let go of your wrist, watching you stumble back with tears in your eyes. You weren’t abusive, ghost just needed you to feel awful about yourself. Recently you had made some friends, they were considered on your boyfriend’s actions and often brought them up to you. You just shook it off and responded with things like ‘that’s just how he is’ or ‘it was my fault.’

You suffered because of him, all he wanted to do was use you for his anger. A personal punching bag.

-

He noticed you had gotten distant recently, scratches and scars littering your arms as you stare blankly down at your legs. He drained you of the person you were before, the one who talked to others and was happy. Now you were just an object in his home, something to place on his mantle and stare at as he sips a bourbon. You had become cold like porcelain, your body felt exhausted, empty.

Every day it felt like the same, he would tell and you’d just take it. You couldn’t defend yourself or that was abusive behavior. You watched as him and his buddies made fun of you. Prodding at your weight or at the way you looked, he smiled brightly when him and his friends uncovered each and every part of you. Watching when the words you dreaded rolled off his tongue. “She’s so damn fat, like a fuckin whale.” (Reminder guys I’m like 102 pounds idk why he was talking like that..), or “I wish she’d get herself re do, such a sight for sore eyes.” His words stung like poison, your bottom lip quivered as you sat on a couch nearby them, listening as his ego got bigger and bigger. You tried to make yourself as little as possible, if you stayed out of his way he couldn’t hurt you right?

-

“Shh baby you ain’t a bad person. Bad people don’t admit their bad honey, you know that right?” Ghost murmured into your ear. He had finally broke everything you had, just letting you lay your head on his chest and mumble how bad of a person you are, how your a monster and nobody will ever love you. How your a failed mother, how you’ll never please him. “You know I didn’t mean that stuff about your weight. Or your face, you know I don’t care right?” He rubbed your back, smiling proudly as he heard your sobs of agony, you didn’t wanna be a monster. You wanted to be a good girlfriend.

“Ah ah. I know you’re hurting so bad aren’t you dear. I just need to help you become a better person don’t I hm? You’ll learn to be good, I know you will.” A kiss was placed onto your forehead as you cried into his chest, terrified of the fact you were a failed person.

-

“I SHOULD FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?” He shouted, a bottle smashing against a countertop as he moved more towards you. “Get out of my fucking house. We’re done.” He grabbed your shirt and shoved you out of the nearest door, watching as you scrambled back nervously, you had nowhere else to go. You cut contact with everyone in your life because they upset him. All you knew how to do was wait by his door like a puppy. You scrambled to your feet and sat outside of it, your bruised cheek resting against the wood of the door, he was all you had.

Your hands dug into your leg as you pulled out a razor from your pocket, chewing on your lip and dragging the cold blade against your skin, watching the crimson liquid that oozed out. You always did this after he threw you out, it was a reminder to be better. That you weren’t enough nor would you ever be enough.

-

Ughhh just some of the worst stories I can remember, I try my hardest to forget my experiences with him.

#cod mw2 #call of duty #cod x reader #ghost cod #simon ghost riley #gh0vtzb1ogz #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #call of duty x reader #call of duty smut #simon ghost x reader #ghost headcanons #ghost x reader #ghost #simon riley headcanons #simon riley hcs

[daz4i]

it should be illegal to advertise products that encourage starving yourself i think

#getting ads for apps that give you fasting instructions... uuuuuhhh...... #i think it should be illegal to advertise ANY diet thing for the purpose of getting skinny/''looking better'' #gee i wonder why people (mainly girls) grow up to hate their bodies for looking average or develop eating disorders 🤔🤔🤔 #like. all that stuff abt everyone looking super thin and glamorous on magazines and billboards is true #but imo these days the casual insistence that everyone should strive to be skinny and do whatever it takes to get there is worse #be it influencers or targeted ads for apps like this. it's not only gross but it is dangerous #you are encouraging self harm. you are promoting eating disorders. you deserve to get your business taken down if not worse #(also ofc. i think people should have the right to diet if they want to. that includes using whatever product or method they choose) #(my whole point is that it should come from the individual. rather than pushed onto them by corporate entities) #(and i think inducing insecurities in ppl then preying on that for proft is the grossest thing you can do) #(same is true about any beauty product. but it's especially sinister when it can literally get someone killed.) #anyway that was my rant for you today. sorry #eating disorders // #ed mention // #tw eating disorders #um lmk if i need to tag this in any other way

[lesbiansanemi]

I think… I have figured out the reason I never get gendered as a guy anymore and it’s making me have…. A lot of really complex feelings

#most of my life I’ve been VERY androgynous #and ever since I cut off all of my hair when I was 16 and started dressing in men’s clothes #I tended to get gendered as a man or woman p equally by strangers #(until I talked because my voice tends to be a give away which is a whole other thing I have Thoughts about but that’s a different issue) #but in the past oh… idk… six months or so? I literally NEVER get gendered as a guy #it has happened ONCE #like sure ppl will ask for my pronouns but I know that’s just cuz I look like stereotypical genderqueer afab person #it’s not cuz they can’t tell what my gender is… #and I’ve been wondering what’s so different. why don’t I ever get gendered as a man anymore #I haven’t changed how I dress I still have a masculine haircut most of the time my facial features obviously haven’t changed #SO WHAT DID #I… I’ve figured it out…. #I’ve gained weight. but only in my hips and thighs #all my pants that I’ve had for YEARS are suddenly too tight and too small around my hips and thighs #I’ve NEVER had curves anywhere before I was always stuck straight and now… I do #and like part of me wants to be happy. I’m gaining weight!!! I’ve always been so horrendously underweight #and I’ve battled severe disordered eating for so long that was the cause #this past year I’ve actually very steadily been eating three meals a day instead of one #I can eat whole portions without getting sick #and I’m really proud of myself for that like I’m def not upset I’m gaining weight #it’s just. it’s just that it’s literally all in my hips and thighs #and it’s giving me a more feminine figure which I’ve NEVER had before #and I know your body goes through more changes in your twenties and that’s probably part of it too #it’s just. I don’t want this. I don’t like this. #I haven’t felt genuinely dysphoric in a long time and now I want to crawl out of my skin whenever I look in a full body mirror #cuz I see it now. I see the change. and I just. do Not fucking Like It #but I can’t do anything about it 😭 #and idk what to do #ugh #kaz rambles

[running-in-the-dark]

my mother just told me that she used to take small scales into restaurants to weigh all the food she ate :)

#oh I wonder why I've always had disordered eating habits. couldn't possibly be her views on this stuff #she's convinced she eats normally now. (she eats the same amounts as a small child 🙃) #it'd be funny that she's caused all her children and grandchildren to have issues with this stuff if it wasn't so damn sad #tw disordered eating

[asteria-argo]

The on going saga of my dad fucking up my safe food on purpose continues

#he bitches about how I never eat dinner with the family and then he pulls this shit #like gee I wonder why I refuse to eat what you cook when you are actively turning it into a hostile experience #when I already have a hard enough to manage eating disorder

[undyinglantern]

being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so

#personal #cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic #sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible #like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit #le space and use up as little resources as possible #even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in #they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know #i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class #failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow #ass over it ever since #tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore #tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class #and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life #imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha #else to tell you

[cloudsmovingcastle]

...one of these days I’ll encounter a “health” textbook that doesn’t make me furious, I’m sure of it.

but alas. evidently, today is not one of those days.

#g speaks #the fact that this textbook has an entire page about eating disorders #even going so far as to ask: why are eating disorders become more common? #when the entire previous page gives guidelines for putting ELEMENTARY AGED CHILDREN ON DIETS #IF THEIR BMI IS ABOVE A CERTAIN POINT. YOU KNOW BMI? THAT THING THAT HAS REPEATEDLY BEEN PROVEN TO BE COMPLETE BULLSHIT?! #the fucking audacity. to ask why eating disorders are becoming more common. when the entire previous page is just a fatphobic manifesto #using studies that are almost two decades old to boot #I am so fucking angry #lord god give me the strength to not start shit in class tomorrow #this is the same class where the professor called autism and adhd 'birth defects' last week though so. I don't have high hopes honestly #i swear to god my academic career just feels like im playing bigotry bingo at this point #im gonna have to start keeping separate scorecards for the various different 'isms' i encounter on a daily basis just to stay sane #god. im in this field to try and bring change and hopefully push to eliminate at least some of the ableist bullshit #but sometimes i really wonder if im ever gonna be able to make a difference when i see shit like this

[fleshdyke]

hejehge

#i cant wait to get out of this fucking house #still a few years until i can legally move out and even then i probably won’t be able to for a few more years bc of money #my dad gets mad at me for showing any emotion ever or being anything other than the perfect golden child #no one will fucking believe me that im autistic and disabled #i get fatigued from walking out of a fucking restaurant to the parking lot! look me in the eyes and tell me thats normal! #but just because im fat thats the reason for all my issues #thats why i have chronic pain and i just don’t exercise enough when they fucking know IM IN RECOVERY FOR ANOREXIA #and my dad wont stop talking about weight loss in front of me even when i ask him to stop because its triggering for me because im #just a fucking snowflake i guess #one time i asked him to stop talking about his diet or whatever when im around and he said no but i could use it myself! AND HE WONDERS WHY #IM FUCKING RELAPSING AGAIN #literally the past entire week i’ve just been repeating ‘no food is as harmful as an eating disorder’ bc its all that will fucking stop me #and he wont believe that i have tics for some reason so i have to fucking suppress them all around him if i dont want to get screamed at #and mid july of 2022 im still not vaccinated for covid. bc my dad is a conservative that doesnt give enough of a shit about me to get it #the only vaccinated person in my family is my mom and my dad didnt want her to get it either #but she says shes an adult so she has bodily autonomy #do i not fucking deserve that? do i not get bodily autonomy bc im a minor? fuck you #and i’ve told both my parents multiple times that i dont like when people touch me without permission except for my friends #ESPECIALLY ON MY FUCKING HIPS AND THIGHS AND ASS #BUT THEY DO IT ANYWAY BC THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT I WANT #i dont fucking care how shitty adulthood is i dont care aboyt the stresses it gives me i just want to be fucking out of here #i want to be out of here i want to be with people that fucking respect me like my parents don’t #i don’t want to be abused anymore i just want to feel safe in my own fucking home #and i feel like such a spoiled brat because i have everything i need given to me because im a fucking child but im complaining anyways and #logically i know i have every right to complain bc theyre not giving me privileges theyre givimg me basic human rights and even then only #some of them. i dont have fucjing bodily autonomy from the people i should be able to expect it from and i dont have respect or fucking love #the only thing keeping me fucking alive right now is the promise that one day i’ll get out of here #and its fucking terrifying knowing you’re relapsing into anorexia again but its so fucking hard to stop it #its got a fucking grip on me and its so fucking hard to get out of it #vent

[shrimplicitly]

weight loss scams are infiltrating mental health apps and umm committing violence over it

#image.txt #'realize weight loss is psychological' realize weight loss is not required and not really #really. needed #god im so tired of everything #oh man i wonder why i have body dysmorphia #i wonder why my 90 pound ass seems so fucking huge like i really wonder why i cant see my body just the way it is #eating disorder tw #tw ed #ed tw #ugh

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

#oh god everythings bad so i need to keep busy #oh god is this me? #diary #personal #god i am so fucking sad today. its probably still hormones. ill probably be fine soon. but god i feel like crying so badly #ugh. i dont even cry a lot. its very rare. #but idk i think im hitting the section of this depressive episode. #im debating about buying something super expensive bc of it lmao #haha. ill do anything to find a reason to live when im like this sometimes. #haaaah i have a doctors appointment coming up and ive just noticed just now that im terrified of what theyll say haha. #thats why i feel like shit rn. well...partially at least. irs why i want to cry rn. #i hope nothing gets found out that i dont like. i really dont wanna hear it. #its so weird when my brain is this fucked. i can easily tell the difference. it *feels* different. #and my thought process is completely different. #its so strange. just. so strange. i feel like a different person whenever i change like this. #im used to it. but by god is it weird. ive always thought that. just. every time i shift one way or another its so different. #i become entirely different people almost. i still hold the same values but my thought process is always so different. #i guess things like this are good proof for what mental illnesses are. #i wonder what causes these shifts. #disordered eating #i looked in the mirror today for the first time in a long while after weighing myself. and i just thought #i looked so thin. to me at least. idk. it was strange. i looked too feminine maybe. i both hate and liked what i see. #gender dysphoria #haaaahhh. i really need to get a therapist to help me with certain things i always have trouble with. #i wish i could have people help me more. im so scared. i *should* go back on t but im scared. #and im not quite sure how to communicate that? #god i feel like shit. this has to stop. i need to make something change. i think im gonna fixate on this again #...fuck. haaaah in order to change anything i need to phone to book an appointment with one. or i need to email one. #both are terrible options for me. cause someone like me is just. bad at doing things. everything really. #why do i have so many troubles with basic functioning. god id feel so much more stable rn if i was on t.

[hellogloom]

just gonna write down some feelz 

#i love my mom right she's pretty much the only family i have and we've always been close #for the most part anyway!!!!! #but she has this way of making everything about her #doesn't matter what i tell her she somehow manages to find a way to turn the conversation into something related to her #and after years i finally managed to tell her about my binge eating disorder right #but ever since then she's been making these remarks about her own snacking #i guess to make it seem like she can relate???? to my illness????????? #even though she's very much in control of her eating habits #like i just facetimed her and she was like ''i ate half a chocolate bar and some other candy haha i really can't control myself! :D'' #and it's like 😭 stop?????? #the other day she was talking about how hard it was for her to not buy any candy for like two weeks #and how she must be a little ill too bc of that?????????????? #oh my god #and she still has the nerve to wonder why i never tell her anything 😭😭😭 #ofe.txt #eating disorder tw

[swiftlythebest]

Everyday ends with me feeling sick. I would like to go just one whole day without my stomach deciding to rebel and ruin my life.

#and people wonder why I have disordered eating #a beautiful combo of neurodivergent food icks and a stomach that’ll give up at random will scare you away from food real quick #and don’t get me started on the acid reflux #I think they need to turn me off and back on again #a hard reset

[leakyleaky]

it would be over for everyone if i ate enough every day

#me :) #not an eating disorder thing my hunger signals are just fucked #so im like. super tired all the time wondering why and ill realize its bc i havent eaten anything yet that day #today (right now) being one of those moments where im exhausted and not functioning properly #and then i realize oh #well ive had maybe 500 calories total today #and that is not abnormal for me even on days when i have a full class schedule and i have to go to work #so i just wonder what itd be like if i actually ate the proper amount #what would i be able to accomplish

[exilley]

Hi im gonna kill my family

#vent #exilley's diary #i dont talk about personal stuff on here usually. my tumblr blog is for me to be nerdy and eccentric without restraint #because i cant be who i wanna be irl etc etc being a kid sucks . #but ugh. UGH #my parents have crossed ten lines today talking about my eating disorder and mental illness to my uncle who i never even see #i dont fucking care if he's family or some shit. and then they wonder why i dont trust people #fuck everything on god #i get nothing but guilt tripped when im around them and they dump all their marriage problems onto me and dote on my sweet little brother #who was physically aggressive towards me when i was younger but like that doesnt mean jack shit to them i guess. #so long as he doesnt have faggots and dykes and queers for friends #im tired of being their therapists im tired of my siblings' ineptitude im tired of everyone's shortsightedness kill kill kill #swallow me at this point idk #maybe i should find a nice girl to hook up with at school and try to kiss im bored im angry i cant care about anything right now #i should really try getting wasted in secret one of these days. idfk maybe itll be cathartic #fuck now im thinking about every time my dad threatened to kick me out. why am i crying #but whatever. itll be fine when im older and outta here and i never have to see their nasty bloody traumatized faces ever again

[crystallllines]

i don’t think this single occasion of consuming both broccoli and soy products for the first time since finding out i shouldn’t be eating them is why i have a migraine, but it is. suspicious. somewhat.

anyway, migraine is bad, not enjoying, obvi. probably gonna hit the hay in 20 min. just taking notes here so i remember things to bring up with endocrinologist. this is a new experience for me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#god i have missed broccoli so much tho #just fucking shove it in my mouth #also i just want to point out that i literally asked my doc if i had a thyroid disorder when i saw him in idk august? september? like #that’s why we had the whole eating disorder chat!!! #i remember being like ‘uh so there’s no chance that i have like hypothyroidism right’ #and he was like ‘what?? uh… do you have any reason to believe you have hypothyroidism?’ #and i said ‘well no but. idk. sometimes i wonder if i have a thyroid condition. or pcos.’ #’does anyone else in your family have a thyroid disorder or pcos?’ #’no well actually i don’t know but i know a lot about my family’s medical history so i’d likely know if they did #idk it’s just an odd suspicion I’ve had friends with both and yeah i know they’re very different things but there are some similarities.’ #‘oh… no… you don’t have one.’ #I’m not blaming him! #he might’ve looked if i’d asked him to or suggested that i had reason to suspect it! #i mean i guess i did. have reasoon. that being the fact that the er doc listened to my lack-of-blood rambling about my Bodily Concerns & #i guess he told me he was going to check for hypothyroidism just based on that uncensored spiral of blather that supposedly went on #idk i don’t remember him asking i just remember him coming in the next day and being like ‘ok so you’re not gonna die but jsyk you really #must not take nsaids and must stay on the protonix if you don’t want this to happen a third/fourth? time #and you also do have hypothyroidism. no that blue pill this morning was not your klonopin it was synthroid #please don’t try to dissolve your synthroid under your tongue anymore.’ #jack filled me in about whatever happened in the er because i can remember a whopping 2 things: walking over to the scale (which i guess i #started falling off of? Idk!) and holding Jack’s hand #oh I also remember seeing the lady who did my last endoscopies! #dr. plotkin? idk i call her dr. new britain’s amy adams #wait i also remember emailing my profs that i might not be in class on monday bc i was bleeding internally & needed to be hospitalized #and also texting nora that ‘they sautered me up!’ after my ulcer was cauterized

[philsmeatylegss]

Tw

#me: my eating disorder has nothing to do with control i just genuinely hate my body so I wonder why I’m restricting and having huge ed #habits today when I’m comfortable with how I look because it’s winter and my clothes are big #also me: just had a really serious test that pretty much determines if I pass or fail a class that I’m struggling with and I can’t do #anything to fix it now except wait I have no control #tw eating disorder #tw ed #rae’s rambles #delete later