#and thinking about this brings up trauma i dont even put on my fucking tumblr notes and i cant be in the same room alone as my brother som
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#so my dad and brother have finally converted to full fledged n@zis#no more denying or explaining from them#and i would literally fucking kill to be able to just get away from them and next year im going to college but#if covid doesnt calm tf down i cant get a job and the economy is shit anyway so im financially dependant on them and on god if i thought#i could survive without them i would cut them out in a heartbeat bc theyre the fuckers who like to threaten violence and im goddamn terrifie#d that one day it wont just be theoretical 'them' and its gonna start with me#and thinking about this brings up trauma i dont even put on my fucking tumblr notes and i cant be in the same room alone as my brother som#times bc its fucking terrifying but he always acts like nothing ever happened or ever will and i feel like om fucking crazy all the time#and i just want to be fucking anywhere but here anf cant stop thinking about dying and all i can do is my math homework#my mom uses my brothers info all the time instead of mine bc she never remembers mine and she has albums and albums of photos of him#but last night i needes some for school and it took 10 minutes to find one of me as a little kid and half the photos have me visibly uncomfo#rtable and god its always fucking been like this but all i could fucking do was go talk to my friends and continue our avatar marathon
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SERIOUS RISE OF THE TITANS SPOILERS
BUT I NEED TO RANT
SPOILERS ARE UNDER THE CUT I PROMISE
I STARTED ROTT TEN MINUTES AFTER IT CAME OUT AT 5:01 PM AEST AND FINISHED ROTT AT ROUGHLY 10 TO 7
I FINISHED THE MOVIE AND SAW 8 SPOILER POSTS WITHIN 2 MINUTES ON TUMBLR
PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS AND PUT ALL SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT FOR YOUR POSTS AND TAG THEM PROPERLY
FIRST OFF
Everyone who said Blinky would die because of"and blinky" in the trailer
Fuck you
It was very fair but still I was so scared
Same to if those who said Archie died because he wasn't in the trailer
Again fair but I was terrified and anxious as hell
My heart could not have handled if he died or Douxie's grief but I'm still upset about what actually happened
And I wish Zoe showed up so they could give her some characterization
We find out she's known Douxie and been friends with him for over 900 years but she doesn't help with the Arcane Order?
And none of the hedge witches show up to help fight them to defend their home?!?!?!
SECOND!!! THE TRAIN SCENE!!!
YES
LOVED IT
GREAT
Jim you stupid string bean, I love you though
Claire, good job, that was some hard magic
Toby, go duke!
Douxie my husband, YAAASS QUEEN, GET IT BABY
The Police Station
It was so funny
Everything about it I loved
Douxari confusing the officers and being neutrally chaotic
Claire trying to be tough and silent
Toby spilling ALL the tea and the officers not believing him
Archie just being Archie and enjoying the confusion of the humans
KREL SHOWING UP WITH RICKY AND LUCY
YES
OMFG
Keep casually listing just about every spy agency in order
and then just
"And your mum"
What a legend
Literal King 👑
Honestly
Walter and Barbara
Them being engaged and happy
Y E S
Jim being best man
Y E S
Walter DYING before they could get married
N O
H E L L N O
ELI GREW UP!!!!!
MPREG STEVE
Very unpopular opinion
I loved it, so fucking funny
I don't even like mpreg normally
But I loved it as a random side plot cause they probably couldn't find an import part for every character and still give them their deserved screen time
Also, funny!
Krel was way too smug explaining to Steve that he would be pregnant, not Aja
You know how we as a fandom have all decided Krel is Aro/Ace icon or at least Aro spec and/or grey ace (something like that) I have no problem with this and love it, it makes me feel very validated, but what Krel just doesn't want kids and decided it's easier to not have romantic relationships, that's also a legitimate thing a lot of woman do
Does that mean gay guys can have biological kids on Akiridion 5?
BACK TO STEVE
I wish there was a bit where Steve called Lawrence on the phone calling him "dad" or "coach dad" and being like "Hey, I know you're probably busy, you're at school but I'm seriously freaking out and I need your help or advice" and explaining the whole Akiridion pregnancy and Coach just reassuring him gently and telling him that he and Steve's mum would support him and he wasn't alone and they weren't mad at him.
Douxie figuring out the sigil
Good job baby! Smart boy! I am very proud
You very smart
The Order bringing the Titans with Nari mind controlled
😬
That's all
Numora dying
Why! It's was so unnecessary!
I don't necessarily love her by any means
But still!
Dndndbebhsvehehrdidjbdisbeurbvtisjbsgsneosbsyneyjsosnsjdbdynsvsidbfindbzhndhdushdhushdbudhnm
*key spams in frustration*
This began much irritation that just increased
THE BRIDGE
ARCHIE LEFT DOUXIE HIS LONG LIFE FRIEND AND PLATONIC SOULMATE (NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME THAT NOT JOW FAMILIARS WORK IDC)
YES HE WAS STAYING WITH HIS DAD AND I RESPECT THAT
BUT GODDAMN IT CHARLIE
CHARLEMAGNE COULD HAVE JUST LIT THE TROLLS FOLLOWING THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLOWN OUT
THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME
OR THEY COULD HAVE FREED THE TROLLS
EITHER WAY
THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT
WTF HAPPENED THE WHOLE FOUND FAMILY THING THEH WERE PUSHING IN WIZARDS
WHY PUSH A GRIEVING DOUXIE TO ESSENTIALLY GET OVER IT AND ACCEPT ARCHIE AS HIS FAMILY CUZ HE WAS ALWAYS THERE JUST TO GET RID OF ARCHIE ANYWAY
DOUXIE WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM AGAIN
HE WOULD HAVE JUST SEEN "TELL DOUXIE I SAID GOODBYE" IN THE KRONOSPHERE AS HIS LAST MEMORY OF HIM
*INCREASING FRUSTRATION*
"No More Running"DOUXIE ALMOST DIED BRINGING NARI BACK
I KNEW HE WOULDNT DIE BUT I WAS STILL SCARED
I was sad
NARI AND SKRAEL'S BATTLE WAS PERFECT
CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE I WAS NOT PLEASED WITH NARI DYING
NOR DOUXIE BEING HELD BACK ONCE AGAIN FROM SAVING A LOVED ONE
"Nor more running"
Simple line
Sweet
Shattered me and my very being
THE SWITCHING SPELL
AMAZING.YES.ILOVEDIT.
DOUXIE YOU SMART BRILLIANT BOY I AM SO FUCKING PROUD
Douxari was so chaotic and funny and pure in a very weird way
I was sad that THAT screenshot of Douxie and Archie wasn't actually Archie because he looked so happy chddling his familiar but it was still cute
Narxie was so fucking sarcastic when the Arcane Order realized the spell didn't work and I live for it
Walter and Barbara
Them being engaged and happy
Y E S
Jim being best man
Y E S
Walter DYING before they could get married
N O
H E L L N O
ELI GREW UP!!!!!
MPREG STEVE
I loved it, so fucking funny
Krel was way too smug explaining to Steve that he would be pregnant, not Aja
You know how we as a fandom have all decided Krel is Aro/Ace icon or at least Aro spec and/or grey ace (something like that) I have no problem with this and love it, it makes me feel very validated, but what Krel just doesn't want kids and decided it's easier to not have romantic relationships, that's also a legitimate thing a lot of woman do
Does that mean gay guys can have biological kids on Akiridion 5?
BACK TO STEVE
I wish there was a bit where Steve called Lawrence on the phone calling him "dad" or "coach dad" and being like "Hey, I know you're probably busy, you're at school but I'm seriously freaking out and I need your help or advice" and explaining the whole Akiridion pregnancy and Coach just reassuring him gently and telling him that he and Steve's mum would support him and he wasn't alone and they weren't mad at him.
Douxie figuring out the sigil
Good job baby! Smart boy! I am very proud
You very smart
The Order bringing the Titans with Nari mind controlled
😬
That's all
Numora dying
Why! It's was so unnecessary!
Dndndbebhsve hehr didjbdisbeurbvtisjbsgsneosbsyneyjsosnsjdbdynsvsidbfindbzhndhdushdhushdbud
*key spams in frustration*
THE BRIDGE
ARCHIE LEFT DOUXIE HIS LONG LIFE FRIEND AND PLATONIC SOULMATE (NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME THAT NOT JOW FAMILIARS WORK IDC)
YES HE WAS STAYING WITH HIS DAD AND I RESPECT THAT
BUT GODDAMN IT CHARLIE
CHARLEMAGNE COULD HAVE JUST LIT THE TROLLS FOLLOWING THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLOWN OUT
THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME
OR THEY COULD HAVE FREED THE TROLLS
EITHER WAY
THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT
Titan Nari
I was so scared when Douxie nearly passes out from lack of oxygen trying to save her
Claire did a great job and I like her but I feel like they're overpowering her without developing her
Nari and Skrael's battle was a cinematic masterpiece
Coach Lawrence seriously needs a break
NARI DYING WAS UNACCEPTABLE
DOUXIE BEING HELD BACK FROM HELPING HER WAS UNACCEPTABLE
"No more running" destroyed me
I AM STILL NOT OK
I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL BE
The 9th configuration
FOUND. FAMILY. CENTRAL.
I'M THE CHOSEN ONE BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE
YES
The Final Battle
I don't even know what to say
Aja. QUEEN.
RIP Varvatos
Rip Douxie that fall would have really fucking hurt
He definitely had broken ribs from that
I'm surprised he could walk after even while being supported against someone else to stand
Jim should have just stabbed Bellroc instead of talking
Jim should not have been able to walk and run perfectly fine after being stabbed even with all the adrenaline
Toby WTF MAN
GOOD JOB BUT FUCKING HELL
I LEGIT CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW IT HAPPENED
THE MOVIE CAME OUT 4 DAYS AGO (IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE THE RANT DONT JUDGE) AND I'VE WATCHED IT 5 TIMES AND I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW I MISSED IT EACH TIME
HOW DID TOBY CRASH?!?!
ANYWAY
TOBY DYING WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE
JIM SCREAMING OUT HIS NAME AS SOON AS HE REALIZED TOBY WASNT THERE
BLINKY AND ARGH LOOK OF PANIC AND WORRY CUZ THEY REALIZED TOBY DIDNT COME BACK WITH JIM
DOUXIE REALIZING HE FAILED TO PROTECT SOMEONE ELSE IMPORTANT TO HIM (EVEN IF HE DOESNT HAVE MUCH OF AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP WITH TOBY, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE DIDN'T ADOPT THEM ALL AS HIS YOUNGER SIBLINGS)
"Always was, always will be" hurt my entire soul
The Time stone
This frustrated me so much it took me 3 days to write just this bit
Go back in time and save everyone?
Yes! Awesome!
Go back to the start the start
No
Also, I love and adore Toby
BUT IT MAKES NO SENSE
JIM GIVING THE AMULET AND RESPONSIBILITIES AWAY WHEN HE HAS 2 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE AND KNOWS ALL OF HIS MISTAKES AND HOW TO FIX THEM
WTF
AS I SAID I LOVE TOBY AND I LIKE HIM ACHIEVING STUFF
BUT HES NOT TREATED AS BADLY AS THE FANDOM ACTS LIKE HE IS
AND LOGICALLY JIM MADE A STUPID DECISION CONSIDERING WHAT HE KNOWS
I get that he was tired of being the trollhunter
Largely because he was tired of not thinking he would do a good enough job
But odds are Toby will make some of the same mistakes and they'll be right back in that same position except maybe Claire will die that time around
And if you're sick of the trauma and responsibility of it than why would you dump it on your best friend
Once again I say, it was an illogical and dumb decision
I WILL BE RUNNING TO FANFICTIONS TO ESCAPE THIS CANON
#toa spoilers#rott spoilers#trollhunters rott#movie rant#toa#toa archie#toa wizards#toawizards#toa rott#toa zoe#douxie#hisirdoux casperan#douxie casperan#toa douxie#toa nari#toby domzalski#claire nuñez#jim lake jr#stricklake#walter strickler#barbara lake#nari of the eternal forest
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// partly a vent? but also if you have any type of advice as to what i can do pls say,,
gotta be honest im still INSANELY fucked on if im a system or not :( for a while i was dead set on it but i ended up just not saying anything to my therapist and fell back into that "ok no thats not me, im just a really vivid daydreamer" mindset.
then your blog auto-popped up as i was typing and i clicked it and im back to that "maybe" thing. im just so conflicted rn ughhh goddamnit :(
ive been having an extremely stressful past few weeks (no specifics but alot of my trauma resurfaced, alot of shit triggered me, similar traumatic situations etc) and i missed both of my therapy sessions the past 2 weeks, so ive kinda reverted back to being dependant on alters who im not even sure are alters or not.
and even THEN im not sure how to bring up to my therapist that i think i may have OSDD or DID??
like idk how im gonna come back after 2 weeks and say "hey btw all this traumatic shit came back up and i think i might be a system bc i talk to people in my head who arent me lol but anyways can i use ur fidget cube?" ???
SO much has happened and im really debating on just pushing down that it might be osdd/did and pretending nothing is wrong for the sake of keeping myself mentally stable yk ?? gotta say i just dont know what to do at all. lets also not forget im 13 and shouldnt even have to deal w this much stress EVER but dfghgtf. im just really struggling to tell if this is my maladaptive daydreaming or DID man :(
MaDD and plurality are weird to work w, especially since MaDD can and often is be caused by trauma and there are some expressions of MaDD that one could put on the plural spectrum. Its mucky either way and can suck to deal with
before i continue, id like to say our experience on therapy has...not been great so ill refrain from giving therapy specific advice for fear of our past experiences clouding our judgement, but you can share the trauma bits and get some help without talking about plurality. the rings system did some videos that might help about talking to a therapist,red flags ect, lovely folks, you should give em a watch if you havent. either way id say you prolly shouldnt bring this up yet, but info is also good in general
and also, some personal advice, be very very careful on the internet, especially social medias at your age. we were in your shoes once and it did fck us up quite a bit
either way, i seriously doubt youll be taken seriously, not in a bad way, full grown adults struggle to get help. and stressing about specifics can just lead to, you guessed it! more stress. its totally fine to drop all lables and just exist for a while and try and do whatever, talking w sysmates or daydreaming whatever, you dont have to name these experiences for now, just live them. doubt is weird, and youll almost def be wout dxing for a few years either way.
just live your life, try not to bring up trauma wout professionals, and be very safe on the internet, and preferably get off tumblr and move somewhere safer, its really not a place for people your age. i know you probably wont listen to that bit much, but at least be extra super safe.
self dxing can take years btw. its not really a matter of weeks, lived experience and analyzing yourself and just questioning takes a lot of time. take it slow
and its totally fine if its not did. or madd. or either. dont stress, dont try and conform yourself to dxes and stuff rn, especially since you are both v young and just started questioning. im not saying your age means you shouldnt, if you have did you have it rn, but things can take time to come to light. just b honest w yourself and open to the options, mkay? self dxing is a lot of research on top of the work. if you started questiong round now tbh many systems if they questions at your age would get a dx or self dx at like 15,16,17 ect ect, and thats if they question. do what helps you and talk to your therapist, you dont have to mention did but talk about questioning disorders and junk.
this sorta age is when figuring yourself out rlly starts to happen yknow? that doesnt mean you should be cornered off n stuff, n kept away from dxes, but it also means you should be very careful n research a ton. if you find smth you resonate w it, keeping it in the maybe pile for a year or two can seem like its a long time, but will help a ton in the end, if its true or not. if its stressing you out a ton, its okay to not think about it for a bit, you have time.
and again, please please please try and get off social medias they can mess w your head a lot, and try not to share your age online again. im torn abt publishing this n may delete this ask n repost the response, but im not sure
tldr:
i dont wanna tell you to not question or identify symptoms, but things change a lot n you are just dipping your toes into life. take things slow and sit on them, thats the best advice given to us at your age. you could be absolutely right, you could be confused, you could be dead wrong, and all of these are okay. just keep yourself open, research and rlly think abt it (like months of thinking abt it) before it can age properly in the maybe bin. and also be safe online, dont share your age and stuff n keep off toxic n inapropriate sites like this best you can. options are open and symptoms can change over time. just exist and take note of things. dont stress over lables, n self dx should stay in the possibly-maybe bin for now, itll be worth the wait
#anon#advice tag#dealing w trauma disorders at a younge age sucks a lot#n ik being young can make everything seem fadt n easy#but its rlly not i promise#ppl question sht for years#some things change n turn out to b diff#ik its rlly hard but take it v slow#n also go to bed on time#n Please get off of tumblr or at least b safer#im rlly only publishing this bc you r on anon#w no tags or anything#i feel a lot of ppl dismiss ppl who question at younga ges#n often for v good reasons but outright#dissmisal i think itsnt right#just know things can b v diff in a few yrs okay?#(also yall should i delte or nah? torn rn)#caps cw
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TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.
- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.
I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.
Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.
Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.
Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.
I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.
***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***
Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.
I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.
Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.
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hmmmmmmm hmmm pordle for that hyperfix ask game
📃 what is the plot of your hyperfixation? and is it a movie, game, show, etc?
GOGOoohohohohoooo VIDEO GAME
umm uhhhhh portal Lesbian simulator. get thrown into a facility ran by a murderous supercomputer, get a funny gun that shoots holes in the fabric of space, forced to test, rinse, repeat, escape, KILL, portal.... 2! Now With Men
📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?
i have no idea. im not even being funny about this ive been into portal since 2012 and i have 0 recollection of being 7 years old. i do remember i pirated portal 2 though
✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?
bobot :] gay bobot. all jokes aside i have written paragraphs to my wife about aperture and how just.. awful of a company it was (though it definitely isnt worse than black mesa by any means, or better than it) and my feelings about cave johnson and caroline and glados and chell and wheatley a
🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?
the wheatley betrayal scene has been burned into my mind for almost 9 years but i wouldnt say its my ‘favorite’.
i think my favorite scenes from portal would be... the entire portal boss fight against glados in the first game, the part where he kills you, the entire glados reawakening scene, and honestly not a scene but just the entirety of the old aperture chapters. its such an interesting place
FUCK FUCK I JUST CAME BACK TO THIS QUESTION I DO HAVE A FAVORITE SCENE. THE CORE TRANSFER SCENE. It lives in my brain rent free and i have a lot of trauma projection onto glados with that but im trying to keep this as lighthearted as i can for portal so uhm. i will not bring that allegory up
🎶 if your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?
(grumble grumble) Power Mad. but honestly the entire portal 2 ost fucking rocks i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE VAGUELY RHYTHMIC NOISE!!!!!!!!!! oh also robots ftw
💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!
One..? Ouegh..... GLaDOS (and by proxy caroline). anything i could say about this woman has been repeated 50 times by the lesbians in the portal fandom and honestly. good for us. good for us
runner ups are of course chell, space core and doug rattmann
💔 tell us about one of your LEAST favorite characters and why you dislike them.
this one is actually really hard. like do i dislike wheatley? do i hate him as a person? Yes? but do i hate him as a CHARACTER? do i hate him as a VILLAIN? no. i actually think he is brilliantly written to be awful. and thats about as much wheatley apologism as i will give you people
🏳🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?
lesbian glados/chell..... (muttering) mlm wheatley
also i think glados is autistic and wheatley has adhd (isnt he coded?)
🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?
hmmm i used to consider myself a glados kinnie. just thought that was interesting to mention.
(sorry for the weird formatting tumblr doesnt wanna just put a regular paragraph break on this i suppose)
doug rattman is one of my biggest comfort characters. same neurodivergence :heart:
💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?
beta glados had arms. that is all
💢 what do you NOT like about your hyperfixation? is there something you would want to change about it?
not to sound like a major loser but i dont think i can.. readily pick out any flaws right off the bat? i dont want a sequel or anything either. OH OH wait i have an answer i wish chell wasnt whitewashed in the lab rat comic artwork </3
there’s probably more i could complain about but i cant remember right off the bat. thank you zane i always LOVE revisiting this franchise and thinking about how long ive known it
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Like i feel its interesting to come back to soukoku from this angle. With dabihawks we both like hawks more but with soukoku im a chuuya fan and you are a dazai fan so we both prioritize the other person but its fun to talk to you about them because even tho you like dazai more you dont act like chuuya is just an add on (gbhhg i hope i left a similar impression)
Like u see the state of soukoku fics rn n u get how it was at it height and how boring that got. The rest of the fandom prioritized dazai and they always seemed to go out of their way to romanticize everything the two did without acknowledging they both have isuess theyd need to work through for a healthy reletionship. Like it never got as bad as dabihawks cuz neither of them are bad to each other like dabi is bad to hawks but you get the picture.
Like i remember the exact moment i stopped shipping soukoku cuz it was after soukoku vs lovecraft episode n i watched chuuya activate corruption for the first time (i read the manga before this so i saw the bloody corruption before aesthetic corruption so another factor might be that it left a way bigger impact on me), n chuuya basically destroying himself inside out n then them having a little moment n chuuya being like 'aight i trust you to get me out of here' and dazai being like 'you got it partner'
N then we cut to chuuya in the middle of that fucking field all alone with no indication of has dazai called for help just a 'haha i left him because its funny'
N ngl i was plenty mad with dazai being so neglectful and dismissive of chuuyas needs when he knows that corruption literally kills him inside out if not stopped but that doesnt compere to my anger when i got on tumblr and every single post was focusing on how dazai folded chuuyas coat n put his hat there and how sweet and romantic that was and how much dazai cared for chuuya
You know completely ignoring he left him in the middle of nowhere with god knows what kind of injuries after chuuya explicitly trusted him to get him to safety, knowing he would faint n putting his trust in dazai
I was just pissed, like these two had a fun dynamic n i liked them together but the fandom was so focused on thirsting after dazai and making chuuya this tsundere love intrest that they werent willing to talk about obvious issues these two have not even as much as 'hey that was kind of a shitty thing for dazai to do'
Idk soukoku fandom left such a sour taste in my mouth, its just fun to talk about them with someone who doesnt do that
This is actually pretty interesting because I’ve had a different experience with fanfiction I’ve read where people will prioritize Chuuya’s feelings over Dazai’s (I especially get annoyed when people make Dazai’s defection from the Port Mafia solely Chuuya angst). I wonder if that’s become a recent trend then as you said it used to be the other way around (...This fandom can’t do things in halves, huh).
As I said above, a common trend that really annoys me about Soukoku fics that talk about Dazai’s defection is that it’s always Chuuya going “You betrayed and left me!” without Chuuya ever asking why or Dazai having the proper chance to explain himself. I can understand the draw of “Dazai broke Chuuya’s heart by leaving him behind” but people make it out like the issue was Dazai leaving in the first place which I think is pretty inconsiderate of Dazai’s own feelings.
I just want a balance where Chuuya asks why Dazai left, Dazai get’s a chance to explain himself and then maybe Chuuya asks why he didn’t ask him to go with him (if they were close in this fic) with Dazai questioning Chuuya’s loyalty to him and the Port Mafia. It would be a really good way to highlight Soukoku’s issues with communication of personal feelings and it’s just... not done.
Also, as I said in my previous ask, I can understand why you would be annoyed with Dazai’s actions in the Lovecraft episode and how the fandom made the action of him folding his coat into something cute and romantic while dismissing the fact that Dazai broke his promise.
And while I can’t and won’t defend Dazai for such actions as it was a dick move, I actually think that was his point. Dazai intentionally broke Chuuya’s trust in order to push him away (or at least he did in my opinion). We’ve already discussed how Soukoku has an issue with communication of their personal feelings and I think the Lovecraft episode is a great example of that. If I had to make a guess, I’d wager that Dazai was scared of the trust that Chuuya gave him again, he was probably also scared about how working alongside Chuuya again would bring out his old self: thoughts, feelings, and the like and how that would affect his promise to Odasaku. Dazai has done everything to distance himself from the mafia and now he’s being drawn back in and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.
I think that’s also why he brings up the fact that he set a bomb under Chuuya’s car and constantly jabs and insults him, as well as stealing from him even though we know all he had to do was ask, was because it’s all an attempt to push Chuuya away and thus, push the mafia away too.
This is also why I would love to explore Chuuya more independantly because I want to know how he feels about all of this. It must hurt to be treated this way, especially with someone you trusted. And what probably hurts him even more is the knowledge that Dazai can’t trust him (which is a major issue in their relationship that needs to be adressed).
When it comes to fanfiction, Chuuya definitely deserves better and he definitely needs to sit Dazai down and get him to talk (and maybe get him to talk about his goddamn trauma too because that’s what causing this divide between them) and then Chuuya should be allowed to speak about him. In a sense, Dazai is treating him like a pet dog that he can throw away and is dismissing Chuuya’s own feelings and I just want to see people actually adress that. Dazai is allowed to have his trauma without making Chuuya a doormat for him (or a therapist).
It’s pretty tragic really because Chuuya is probably one of the most loyal characters in the manga/anime and is the one that wears his heart on his sleeve the whole time and yet Dazai still can’t bring himself to trust him just because he refuses to talk to him.
...Basically, they need couples counselling.
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i mean klaus got choked by Luther and thrown and just all round disrespected, BUT he was awful to Luther (who has little to NO social skills) after finding him with the girl. I think what people most zero on this scene is Klaus saying he doesn’t remember his first time bc he was high/drunk, while ignoring Luther who also doesn’t/barely remembers HIS first time bc he was high/drunk. I actually really LOVE this scene in terms of character development (1/2)
this scene and the ‘I want to be u’ scene too, bc it shows how awful their relationship is and how reginald trained them to compete with each other and put each other down, to ‘win’ so to speak, and how the way they were treated and how they treated each other manifests in this bitterness and mockery. specially Klaus who must feel angry no one takes his struggles seriously. bc in healthy siblings dynamics they don’t treat each other that way. but..... yeah it’s awful and sad 😔 (2/2)
i’d like to thank you, anon, for sending asks on this topic that have some good points and aren’t dickish. it is greatly appreciated and you are an angel <3 i’m going to try and respond and explain my feelings on this the best i can but.. no promises on quality lmfao it’s almost 3AM and i’m three (3) drinks in so IMMA DO MY BEST
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[[just a heads up also that i am NOT re-reading this before posting. i do not have the energy for that so it’s just gonna be what it’s gonna be]]
Luther (who has little to NO social skills) - I think what people most zero on this scene is Klaus saying he doesn’t remember his first time bc he was high/drunk, while ignoring Luther who also doesn’t/barely remembers HIS first time bc he was high/drunk.
the thing is, and this seems to depend entirely on the perspective and personal experiences of the person watching, klaus wasn’t awful to luther. he wasn’t mocking. he was doing what siblings do - they tease. as for ignoring luther who doesn’t really remember his first time for the same reasons klaus doesn’t remember his: i dont think it was ignoring so much as it was klaus wouldn’t consider it a big deal - it wouldn’t occur to him to think of it that way - because it wasn’t for him. and even when you know that your sibling doesn’t have much for social skills, it’s probably not something that’s going to stay at the forefront of your mind and direct every interaction you have with them - especially in regards to a sibling you haven’t seen in 13 years - so it would make sense for klaus to not interact with luther in more of a way people would find acceptable. perfect sibling interactions dont happen
i mean klaus got choked by Luther and thrown and just all round disrespected, BUT
there is no but there - some teasing (or mocking, depending on how you see it) is nowhere near the same thing as choking someone, throwing them across a room, AND consistently being genuinely rude and disrespectful. i’m not saying klaus can’t be mean or a jackass - he absolutely can - but to say he was awful or horrible to luther ESPECIALLY post!rave is bananas.
klaus tried to cheer luther up, offered to try summoning reginald even though that’s the last thing he’s ever want to do, tried to stop luther from drinking more, tried to convince luther that drugs and alcohol weren’t the way to go, tried to stop luther from venturing out on his own, went after him when he didn’t listen - and yeah, he wanted to stop part way in because of withdrawals, but he didn’t. and it’s not just because ben tried to guilt him - ben does not control the klaus. if klaus didn’t want to keep looking for luther he wouldn’t have. so he finds him. he goes into the worst possible place for someone who is trying to get sober because his inexperienced brother is there, he tries to get luther to leave with him and while he’s struggling so horribly the whole time - because of the immediate access to drugs and the ptsd episode - he tried to protect luther and gets killed for it.
and then never brings any of this up to luther after the dude is sober. he could have - he could have been petty and cruel about it, because if luther knew i dont doubt he would feel horrible and it would weigh on him so much, both as a brother and as the leader, but klaus never did. and maybe that was because he didnt think anyone would believe him but i think part of it was not wanting to hurt luther because he knows what drugs and alcohol do to a person - he knows very fucking well - he knows the lack of control and awareness and he isnt going to hold it against luther the way we all know everyone holds everything against klaus - the things he did while mentally on another planet.
AT MOST klaus teases him when he goes to wake luther up for a family meeting - in a manner that comes off silly but not - imo - cruel. simply ridiculous, as klaus often is. but he pours luther a cup of coffee and they talk about his conversation with their dad and that’s that
their only other interactions after that are when klaus, diego, and five go to the bar to get luther - and that isnt even an interaction because they dont talk. and then in the car on the way to leonard’s cabin.. where they dont talk. and then at the cabin klaus has his hand on luther’s shoulder, providing a small act of comfort while also devastated because literally everyone knows luther and allison. they’re in the infirmary when allison needs blood but again - they dont talk. and then in the scene where vanya is bringing down the academy - brief, and they dont talk. and then it’s the bowling alley - where klaus tries to be honest with everyone, expresses a quiet offer of help that nobody takes seriously, and then okay yes - he snaps back at luther when luther is a dick to him. but its nothing actually cruel and he immediately tries to backtrack. after that moment the only time they talk is when luther is asking klaus if ben is in agreement on time traveling at the end of episode 10
so where in there was klaus cruel and awful and horrible?? i mean i guess those things can depend, again, on a person’s perspective and experiences - and maybe people have different takes on what those words mean (and the extent they cover) and yknow what?? gotta say - that’s valid. nobody can control how someone else takes in the show - we cant even control how we take it in ourselves. but for me this specific line of takes is absolutely noodles. do i think klaus was flawless? fuck no. i wouldnt love him so much if he was. but i dont think any of his interactions with luther can be considered horrible on his end. i dont see this awful person in those moments that apparently other people do
Klaus who must feel angry no one takes his struggles seriously.
this though. t h i s t h o u g h. i’m not gonna get super into it because this response is already kind of a lot BUT yes. whether klaus knows it or not, acknowledges it or not, he probably is so angry and hurt that nobody takes his struggles seriously. nobody ever has - i mean ben has followed him around for the last 13 years, has seen some of what he’s been through and has learned about the rest, and he STILL digs into klaus and acts like he doesn’t have a reason to be the way he is. if not even ben can take his trauma seriously, and he - at least pre!death - seemed to be the kindest, then how would anyone else?? they wouldn’t and It Shows.
and, of course, that includes luther - who i agree, was in a way separated from the others - not physically but like.. ranking and power wise, by reginald and his constant push of luther being number one and that meaning Everything. and klaus - well we all know what reginald thought of klaus and i dont doubt he filled luther’s head with his opinions which luther would internalize as Facts - because reginald had a hold on luther that he didn’t quite have on any of the others. (i mean he totally had a hold on all of them, they’re all fucked up, but luther stayed there because reginald had him so convinced of the academy’s mission and luther’s importance to him)
SO. if klaus WERE to verbally be aggressive with luther or anyone i personally would understand - why should he take other people’s trauma seriously, expend the heart and energy to care and to do what he can to cheer them up, when they can’t even take a moment to listen to him - or see what’s right in front of their eyes. i’d be fucking pissed. tbh i think klaus handles things pretty fucking well from the funeral on considering the Everyfuckingthing.
he’s sassy - yeah. he can be jackass and he has the potential to be cruel - hell yeah. but he expresses more care for each of his siblings in s1 than any of them do for him (except maybe diego) and idk, man, i have seen the first season somewhere beyond 15 times (i stopped counting) and i’ve never taken any of klaus’s words or actions towards luther to be genuinely cruel or horrible. it just doesnt read that way for me and i honestly struggle to see how people CAN see it that way.. so here i am. annoyed. but on my own tumblr bc i have no desire to @, fight, or argue with anyone over opinions but sometimes a little bastard just has to vent yknow?? yknow.
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hello its me
hmm idk why i wanna write something here tho yknow i think tumblr d worded to my same gen tumblr moots ...
anyway
maybe one day when i die, my friends & family will find my blog and just /know/ you know but lmao theyre probably just gonna find my yn fics hahaha
anywayyyy back to the real reason why i wanna write here...
i find it scary im having these kind of thoughts lately i dont know if its because of my job? (maybee? its actually the only reason i see rn?) bc honestly... im doing fine in all other things..
friends? theyre okay.. we talk and meet up if this lockdown permits (yup 2021 and still in lockdown)
family? we're good as well.. im happy theyre healthy and well (hope it continues like that for a long time)
me? well.... i guess the problem starts there lol idk i keep having these thoughts bout wanting not to wake up from sleep yk lmao and it actually stems from not wanting to go to work with the role that i currently have ....
maybe im being ungrateful rn but i really feel like its not healthy for me to be in this role.. its too pressuring, gives me anxiety.. and i know im only a month in but do you really have to be in a situation longer for you to say that its toxic for you? toxic for your mental health?
honeslty idk i feel kinda bad that im prioritizing my mental health over earning like putting myself first is something so bad lol i feel so guilty about feeling this way
and i feel that im unfair bc my family is working so hard in different countries, working their asses off, literally one have to caught the virus (theyre ok now tho) but still work
and im here,,, being a fucking baby,, whining about how THIS is the worst situation that i am in lmao
but they just dont get it,,, maybe i was mentally unstable right before all this happened (my job) and now its triggering these thoughts out of me and seriously i have never wanted to feel this way, i swear.. i didnt want to feel so broken,, so weak,,, i dont want to constantly ask for help,,, show signs that im emotionally & mentally drowning,,,, its just so hard to be living this way..
i didnt even realize that I'll go to such extent of wishing i dont wake up from my sleep
but at the same time, im fucking terrified this "life" will last longer you know?
you know how in books/universe beliefs that what you want to happen will be jinxed if you keep thinking about it lmao
im so so terrified about it like,, what if i really wanna die but end up living 100 more years lol
like bitch i dont wanna live so long if im this unhappy.. i dont want this life if im just constantly insecure about everything, how im literally fucking depressed and unhealthy..
and im so fucking sick hearing about "you can change this for yourself" "live life/change your life for you" "youre the driver of this life" bullshit like BRO DO YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT
Like ok man i KNOW i can change my life but at this fucking moment???? i cant???? and its difficult to just wake up one day and feel inspired and be full of energy in a mental state like this???
yall r so fucking stupid if you also think depression is being so skinny, eating less, looking stressed and fuck bc depression is also the opposite.. like honestly?? i dont fucking look depressed but look at me now tho?? haha
im overweight, i dont look sleep deprived, i still eat, and i still sleep.. im here but sometimes im not here you know?
whats worse is that depression here is being so downplayed like its just "drama"& not a real fucking disease,, i have relatives who would think - they've been thru worse and that YOU feeling sad and depressed for them is just whines and worthless drama and that youre just overreacting like you dont have a fucking right to feel that way just because theyve been thru "worst" lmao ok bitch do you want a fucking "not depressed" award
well fuck im sorry my generation have to deal with your fucking trauma bc you let it out on us just because we're younger and you dont have any idea that the shit youre putting us thru is actually YOUR trauma???? like fuck
sigh
im just so tired of this unhappiness.. i miss my old self,, the better me,,, i miss my passions,, the things that make me happy,,, bc right now, i can only do so much and still feel this way..
i can paint and sing all day but it wont bring me back the same energy, the same joy it brought to me before - and i miss that...
why do i have to be this way? i just wanna be happy..
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Homesquared Chapter 3
So i have seen smidgens of this on tumblr but just havent had time to do anything about it
and jesus christ Callie Jade is so horrifyingly creepy, and you know the things she’s narrating the characters can also hear which is also hilarious, it just reminds me of that comic about how “yeah sure there’s a giant ominous red floating eyeball in your kitchen, constantly staring, constantly judging, but can you be sure that’s a bad thing?”
and then someone tries to talk to it, but it doesn’t answer and the person goes “fine be an asshole i dont give a fuck”
thats exactly the dynamic happening with Callie Jade right now
Grumpy DaveKat is hilarious
and Hey! we finally get to see how people look, I really dig Roxy’s look
“ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances"”
This line from Roxy makes sense, as a person wholly ensconced in the idea of their own self and always being in control of themselves and their own mind and faculties they would hate anything at all that causes that iron mental grip to slip
That’s probably why Dirk avoided sleep even when his dreamself was awake, even sleeping and dreaming was considered a form of himself losing control over himself that he couldn’t integrate the idea himself and his dreamself were the same person rather than two identical people and also I remember that the Jujupop didn’t affect him either
Later on Dirk in the narrative will say something about his own trauma, but not really go into what it is, but if I had to hazard a guess (and really it’s not much of a guess at this point)
Dirk probably has memories of a version of himself being under the mental influence of another, Lil Cal, LE, Doc Scratch etc what have you, So Narrative Dirk may actually be a version of Dirk who’s not quite yet poisoned into being a version of those 3, but his words also hinted that just because he’s aware of a certain way that he’s acting doesn’t make him more likely to stop it
Like he’s equating that you can be aware of the influence something else is having on you and in the exact ways it is influencing you without being able to stop, the exact thing he is traumatized and afraid of being most likely
So his one driving fear, is he does not want to lose control of his own soul, his own being, his own way of life and existing, to something else, something other. Even though he most likely is fully aware of the things and mannerisms of the other that have slipped into himself? Like he’s probably fully aware of the similarities between himself and those mentioned above, but maybe the thing that he’s hinging on is that instead of those guys poisoning him into being like them, instead perhaps he can convince himself that it’s his own self influencing others to act like himself instead. His influence reaching out and expanding instead of shrinking as he fears it
Anyway, Dave and Kanaya have a cute moment, I really like that
We get a nice shot of them in shadows against a backdrop of stars and Kanaya starts talking about a story Rose would once tell so that’s story is already gonna be dripping in metaphorical potential
“ A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost”
Though that’s a story I’m actually familiar with
KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her
KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along
KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back
KANAYA: The Story Comments On The Nature Of Friendship
KANAYA: And Of Course In Turn Love
KANAYA: How Once They Connect There Is No Distance Or Circumstance That Can Seperate Them
KANAYA: How The Worlds In Each Ones Mind Take On Contours Shaped By Their Memories Of The Other
KANAYA: Places And Moments And Orbiting Passersby Becoming More and More Entangled In The Context Of Their Mutual Affections
KANAYA: Such As With A Garden Calling To Mind An Engagement Once Declared There
KANAYA: Or Something To That Fucking Effect
So obviously Dirk and Rose
Dirk has Rose with him, discovers an actual genuine connection with her, likely because he already viewed her as an equal, despite his manipulations of her, and chapter 4 spoilers but he genuinely wants to play a game with her when there really isn’t any reason for it, so he is actually curious to see who comes out on top of it, Him or Her, so Dirk is probably in some way desperate to have an actual equal partner in some way instead of drowning in himself all the time, not surprising. But Rose, obviously, will leave and reject him, likely when the manipulation comes around and is revealed/Kanaya and all them reach her/that part of the story
But then the story tinges onto a romantic nature and is framing Dirk trying to get her back as a romantic quest to save his partner/friend something something love and friendship, “no distance can separate them” yeah that doesn’t sound like obsession with the first person you’ve ever truly seen as an equal/a real person,
yeah “A Garden calling to Mind an engagement once declared there” definitely sounds like the garden of eden/adam and eve paradise fantasy that Dirk has been trying for some reason, to setup on the new planet
Really begs the question for why Dirk cares at all to do all of this? Except we now the answer is already its not the thing itself he cares about, its the value hes putting into the story as something that generates interest in the audience
He doesn’t care about actually making a society or being gods or whatever, he just knows thats what the audience wants to see and cares about so therefore he does it
and the reason he does all of THAT is because is ties into his trauma of his sense of self eroding away becoming a person he’s unfamiliar with
I wonder how he’s going to handle how much he’s going to change in order to fit the role of the story he’s writing when all is said and done
the Dirk at the end of this is going to be very different than the Dirk that started in Homestuck, despite all of his fears and intentions, and that he could not say all of it wasnt his own doing because of the iron control he made sure to have from the very beginning, I honestly think that will be kind of a shock for him if a meeting like that ever one day happened
Specifically for the fact that he seems to be aware of the romantic in nature tropes hes writing himself and Rose into and for now still seems to be avoiding them, not having gone that far, but, well
Maybe this is where we’ll start to see where Doc Scratch’s odd tendencies starting coming from
You know he was always really weird with Rose and Vriska (Maybe because he sees Light players all as extensions of Rose herself?)
Anyway yeah this is def the story metaphor I think we’re going to see in this, but Kanaya doesn’t fully get it, she thinks the story refers to herself and Rose
DAVE: that seems kind of wack for a kids story
KANAYA: Its Possible I Am Projecting Slightly In This Specific Circumstances
KANAYA: It Was Just A Metaphor
KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something
KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister
Which is cool because it makes this opposing connection between Dirk and Kanaya as opposites, which I like because it solidifies a tiny bit more the idea of Sylph being Passive Create to A Prince’s Active destroy.
Oh yeah, there was a tiny hint of Mind metaphor as well, can’t forget Terezi is with them
KANAYA: How The Worlds In Each Ones Mind Take On Contours Shaped By Their Memories Of The Other
KANAYA: Places And Moments And Orbiting Passersby Becoming More and More Entangled In The Context Of Their Mutual Affections
KANAYA: Such As With A Garden Calling To Mind An Engagement Once Declared There
Basically the idea that your experiences of a person and your memories of them shape who they become as well, the boundary between you and I is controlled by both of us, so each has an effect of the personality Heart of the other through our own decisions and Mind
like the way people tend to mimic those they like and want to be close to, or the way they actively try to distance themselves and what they are like from those they hate
But that at all seems to be more about Mind in general than referring to anything specifically Terezi
though it is exactly that understanding of Mind versus Heart and how one affects the other that could make Dirk realize that in the question of the self he’s only had half the picture the whole time, he’s only had the understanding of Heart and has thus far not been able to understand how Mind plays a role in the sustaining of the self, how what other people do to help you to be you, which is his entire philosophical conundrum
“DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain
DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit“
oh, that makes me sad, this is def bringing up some bad trains of thought for Dave ):
“ KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.
OH RIGHT, I forgot Calliope is actually WITH them on their journey, despite seeming to want absolutely fuck all with Jade Callie, I totally thought she was gonna stay back on Earth C but I guess not!
It’s so odd to see them so terrified of their alternate self like this when they’ve interacted mildly before. I still don’t know what to think of that much, other than they seem to be doing that weird thing that the other kids went through, like how John scribbled clowns on the walls unknown to himself for the longest time due to Gamzee’s unseen mental influence
that’s exactly the type of shit Dirk would be afraid of, so I wonder if that’s what Callie was afraid of as well? Maybe its Jade Callie that’s influencing them this way not Gamzee, to scribble strange things on the walls and not come out, but it’s the same fear of the other regardless manifesting and changing the self.
It is a very oddly non social thing for Our Calliope to do, when the point of different between the two Callie’s was how social Calliope was versus how antisocial Jade Callie is. Worries me ): but at least they’re here I guess
KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?
ROXY: fucked up if tru
Karkat is really popular as a character in the fandom lol
and that’s that one, time to get to Chapter 4, which has a lot more juicy exposition
With all the Garden of Eden metaphors though I can’t help but think of the Apple of the Garden of Eden when I think of “story exposition” now
The juicy tantalizing forbidden red fruit that when you bit into it you suddenly understand and know things you did not before and you’re eyes are opened, I wonder if that’s enough to just make Apples a solid Symbol of Light in Homestuck’s context? Most of it’s association with knowledge is external to Homestuck, just referenced symbolically, it’s not actually used in any cirumstances pertaining to knowledge, but more as the metaphor of it being the gate to leave the garden of eden, more like a teleporter, Rapture and Revelation in general rather than just Knowledge itself
aka my new headcanon is that one thing needed to Alchemize a Transportalizer is inexplicably going to be an Apple, if that ever comes up at all
#Homesquared#Homestuck^2#Dirk Strider#Rose Lalonde#Terezi Pyrope#Apples are the essence of Portal Technology#long post
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whatever im just directly responding to this one because apparently if i don’t you’ll just take every other post i make out of context
Okay, for anyone concerned, here’s the end to the tumblr user musashi saga. To reiterate, the original sin is that I blocked her without comment.
the original sin is that you did something i’ve repeatedly stated is heavily traumatic. reducing it to you blocked me is an intentional downplaying of my feelings and baggage. i have a disclaimer in my BYF to not befriend me if you are incapable of ending a friendship civilly and instead ghost/abandon people. you read the BYF. You read the disclaimer. you did it anyways. you blocked me without a word. i thought we were friends, and you sliced me out of your life without so much as an explanation.
Because I saw her post this shit beating others down all the time. And I got tired. And then she did it to me.
i literally don’t know what you’re referring to. there’s no link here. i don’t beat anyone down. sometimes people mistreat me and i get rightfully mad at them for mistreating me. beyond that, i literally just blog about pokemon. in another post you said you unfollowed me over hazbin hotel or some shit, which is an animated show i’ve never seen and have no opinions on.
[screencap of a personal post where i’m clearly panicking]
cool! nice one. real empathy and compassion showing here.
I didn’t say any of this, aside from that we weren’t friends. (edited to point this out.) We literally had only talked on a cursory level a handful of times.
you’re literally missing the point. you said that we weren’t friends, and used that as your defense for literally blocking me. it doesn’t MATTER if you personally thought we weren’t friends. I thought we were friends. I thought you liked me. my feelings were hurt, i was crushed. just because you think its NBD “she probably doesn’t even remember me” doesn’t mean you are absolved. You may have thought that, and I believe you thought that, but you were mistaken. This made me even more upset--not only did my friend block me, but my friend didn’t even consider us friends.
even if i didn’t consider us friends, what you did to me was wrong. but the fact that i did and you don’t just means it hurts more. that’s literally it. i recognize that i didn’t mean to you what you meant to me, but that literally does not mean anything you did was okay. i don’t know how to spell this out further!!!!!
She also says that I am falsely claiming that I did not block her – a claim I never made– and also that I never apologized for unfollowing her, when in fact I did, repeatedly, trying to get this to stop.
YOU DID NOT APOLOGIZE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GAIN FROM LYING ABOUT THIS. you keep saying this! what do i have to do to prove you didn’t apologize? does ANYONE reading this have ANY ideas??? Elliot literally won’t state, anywhere that i can FIND, WHERE he supposedly apologized. alledgedly, he’s sent me apologies MULTIPLE TIMES EVEN??? i dont know where i’m supposed to be looking. my tumblr DMs? my tumblr asks i think? i pretty obsessively read my ask box, i don’t have access to DMs but i never received any, of that I am sure. this is important to me and i would remember! you have not contacted me! the closest you have come to contacting me, besides publicly talking about me on your blog, is frantically sending my friend marcus a bunch of messages about me and then BLOCKING HIM AS WELL. ALL of this i learned because marcus came to me incredibly confused (as was i) asking why my name was coming up all of a sudden. that is ALL i have heard from you. there have been no apologies, no one on one chats. it is WAY easier for you to prove to your followers that you sent an apology than for me to prove that i didn’t receive one, so can you please? can you give me ANY ideas on how to prove that i’m telling the fucking truth? literally WHAT do i have to gain from lying about this????? do you think i get some kind of sick enjoyment out of this shit??? do you think having someone i thought was my friend on the opposite side of things makes me happy??????? do you think i enjoy this?? i don’t understand what you think i have to gain from lying! i didn’t receive an apology, a clarification, a single word from you! this is all the talking you have done with me. public talking, and talking through marcus. you have not contacted me. the last time i heard anything from you was probably an ask or dm you sent me months ago. i wish you would either believe me or just admit you didn’t apologize and send me even one message and have EVEN ONE CONVERSATION with me! i don’t understand how THIS is easier for you! i don’t understand why THIS is the way you did things, and why you’re insisting you tried any other approach!!! i literally just want to understand!!!!!
Literally please compare this post to what I have ACTUALLY said about the situation on my blog.
ok i will
literally right here you posted an interaction between us. it’s just an ask where you asked me a question about getting to your ask and i responded. you go on to say ‘how am i supposed to get ‘friendship’ from this?’ and then you go on to talk about how i answered some other asks before yours, denoting the asks i answered as ‘friends’ and (correct me if im misunderstanding!!!) implying the ones i didn’t answer as ‘not friends.’ but that doesn’t make any sense. my friendship level with people has nothing to do with how readily i am to answer their asks. what asks i answer depends on time, energy, how compelled i am with the topic at hand, and a lot of other things. im looking at this screencap and i don’t understand how I’M supposed to get “not friends” from it. you posting this made me feel like you were reading deeply into every single interaction i had with you... i dont understand how i was supposed to know that the way i responded here was “unfriendly,” and i don’t understand how i’m supposed to know that me answering certain asks in a certain order has any connotation other than the literal one-wendy is answering certain asks in a certain order. and yeah sometimes i burnout or lose steam and just delete all my asks or don’t get to some. i didn’t realize i was being monitored on that too... thats what i was talking about in my personal post you very rudely put on display. i just thought we were friends, i didn’t realize there were all these... micro-interactions i had to be monitoring? i didn’t realize this stuff would make a difference about if you liked me back or not, i thought we were just friends and we liked each other already.
you also said:
She genuinely never called me by my name. She didn’t know how to spell it because she’d never spelled it before. My friends know that my name is not spelled like that because it’s 1 letter off from a very famous person. This wasn’t a guilt trip; it was truly just hurtful for her to address me by name the first time when she was calling me an asshole.
i didn’t know this was a social faux pas either. i am honestly really bad with names and even if i’ve known someone for years i will nervously check their blog to make sure i am getting their name right. i didn’t nervously check yours because when someone hurts me i can’t bear to look at their social media for fear of what i might find there. but i think “she spelled my name wrong and therefore we weren’t friends” (my understanding at least) is kind of drastic. if that is the case, i really don’t have as many friends as i thought i did.
sorry i did that, in any case. i’ll learn from it and not do it in the future.
I hope doing so makes it clear the extent to which a popular blogger (WHO I LITERALLY HARDLY SPOKE TO BEFORE THIS)
like you literally just keep twisting the knife in. i don’t know how to tell you that how much i am able to talk to people has nothing to do with how much i like them and if i consider them a friend or not... this is hurtful. you keep bringing up how little we talked, or how i talked to you, and its hurtful. i just don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to understand that, esp when you’re autistic also. how have you not experienced exactly what you’re doing to me? someone who doesn’t understand the way you value a person’s company because they’re not allistic ways? i can’t talk to my friends all the time. sometimes, the most i can do is a like in their direction, a response to something they sent me, or even just silently reading their posts.
what about this is not clicking? my ways of showing love and appreciation are different. you were in my private discord server, something that is HEAVILY vetted due to past abuse and full of people i consider my closest friends. you were someone i followed on tumblr, something i do not easily extend because of just how much rhetoric on this website upsets and overwhelm me. and regardless of if we didn’t talk enough by your standards, you still liked so many of my posts and i regarded you fondly and enjoyed seeing you and considered you my friend. just because my ways of showing appreciation were not in alignment with your ways or your standards, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist or matter.
has been intentionally manipulating my words and actions to make herself feel better about losing a follower she thought was cool, through her own actions at that.
i’m not a “popular blogger,” who “lost a follower,” i’m a person who lost a friend. if i am really this... image you’re painting of me, of some social media influencer with “tens of thousands of followers” (i’m. not?? i don’t even have one 10k, let alone several) then why would i care about losing ONE?
i don’t know how to spell this out clearer. i’m traumatized. my trauma centers around repetitive abandonment from friends, more specifically blocking/softblocking/deactivating/moving blogs. to paint you a picture, there are certain posts on this website that actively trigger me despite being harmless, because they were the last post at the top of a friend’s blog before the friend remade their entire social media just to leave me in the dust. sometime’s i’ll be scrolling and some errant funnyman text post will send me spiraling.
and that’s what you did to me. that is why i am upset. it has nothing to do with making me feel better, it has nothing to do with manipulation, i do not need to manipulate this situation and to say that about a borderline having a fucking breakdown because someone perpetuated a horrible trauma she’s lived through time and time again is fucked up, wrong, and shitty. you are constantly downplaying my feelings by acting like just because you didn’t consider me a friend, what you did was okay. you refuse to talk to me one on one, or show me any indication of the apology you keep claiming you sent. and now you are acting as though this speaking out i am doing has to do with some ~tumbler dot corn callout dramaz~ instead of a person lamenting and hurting on her personal blog about yet another person hurting her in a very easily avoidable way.
i don’t know what “my own actions” are that drove you away. you didn’t have a conversation with me about them, or if you did i never saw it. i just woke up one day and you had blocked me. i still don’t know why you blocked me. i just know all the reasons you think it was an okay thing to do.
You can genuinely read back to see that what she claims I am saying and doing is at best self-aggrandizingly misinterpreted, and at worst actively and maliciously misleading.
maybe things wouldn’t get misinterpreted if you instead communicated with me instead of just ghosting me and trying to talk yourself out of the guilt of it. i don’t want to misinterpret anything, i just am having trouble understanding why you did any of this to me and your answers to all those questions aren’t helping me understand because i can’t ask about them in real time.
I am reiterating the same shit because it’s the truth. Her desperation to convince her tens of thousands of followers that I’m “lying”, while asserting that I said things that I did truly actually not and you can literally just go see that on my blog in writing, is tremendously telling.
i clarified some here, but i still don’t know where i’m supposed to be looking for this apology.
again, i don’t have tens of thousands of followers, and me posting on this blog isn’t about reaching an audience or whatever, it’s about... processing the pain you’ve caused me.
I will say it bluntly now: You are not a person I would ever want to be friends with.
thats fine, but i wish you would have just told me that instead of doing this. a lot of my friendships end because i was incompatible with a person who doesn’t feel the need to traumatize me to avoid having a conversation. you could’ve just shot me a DM and told me it wasn’t meant to be, and i could’ve thanked you for your time and moved on with my life.
I cannot be emotionally manipulated in such transparent ways, and I am not impressed by you. If that makes you mad, I hope the fire keeps fizzling.
my suffering won’t make your life better, and demonizing me won’t lessen the guilt of what you did to me. you’ll heal a lot faster if you just admit to even just yourself that maybe you could’ve handled things more gracefully.
this is exactly what you did to me. and you confronted one of my friends asking for space/understanding about why it hurt you. right here you literally ask marcus, word for word, what i wanted for you. the hypocrisy you’re showing me is astounding.
#tenderskeptic#smeargletail#also dont think i haven't seen all the wild shit you said to marcus like... come on.#long post#also please stop calling me musashi its a japanese name and im a white girl#if you MUST call me by my username you can call me mu for short#but my name is jessie or wendy please do not call me that#it says in my about not to call me that and has for YEARS#i know you like disregarding my about pages but this one is MORE IMPORTANT
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there’s so, so, SO much nonsense surrounding this game that i’m gonna do my best to separate it into digestible bits, with its own categories. even then this is... wow. it’s big.
Warning tags will be added at the start of every section, but the general gist is: incest, pedophilia mentions, fetishization of rape and abuse, fetishization of mlm, fetishization of people of color, racism, ableism, nb erasure and transphobia. aside of the warnings, this post will also touch upon Scummy Business Practices
let’s get going
Dana Rune’s and Elle’s lack of moral fiber: #incest #pedophilia#rape and abuse fetishization #homophobia
tl;dr: dana loves incest porn, elle loves guy on guy rape, and the both of them are friends with at least one pedophile
dana rune has run, is still running an incest zine (please visit my faq on what i think about “thats not really incest” and “it’s just fictional!”). The Arcana, as a dev team, clearly does not care, as shown in their e-mail responses.
dana also very much doesn’t care and has reacted to any criticism on this by dismissing people and blocking actual incest victims who tried to contact her about it claiming it was for her “mental health”
in some tweets she claims she “interprets” the characters as not siblings, but she never really cared enough to cover her ass when it all began (she happily admits she’d “cross the incest line”)
dana has commissioned artists who also ship incest, draw near-pedophilic art that’s supposed to pass as acceptable because the character involved is supposedly not a minor despite looking like a child down to wearing pigtails (the character is also wearing a racist-ass belly dancer outfit), AND even made white-washed fanart of The Arcana.
dana follows twitter user kapymui who also produces incestuous Fire Emblem art
dana has retweeted omocat long after it came out that omocat is, at the very least, consuming pedophilic content (on “omocat didn’t know what shota meant!”: yes they did)
moving on, elle has a long, long, LONG history of fetishizing mlm and the rape and abuse that comes with yaoi and had a rich, RICH “yaoi” tag before they deleted their tumblr
they curiously deleted their tumblr right after i made this reblog
shortly after that, tumblr user thalassiq remade and started attacking and insulting any blogs criticizing them - even people providing support in IMs. Since this doesn’t match Dana and Elle’s normal pity parties I’m personally willing to believe they were just a person wanting to start shit - but it’s so telling how Elle used this chance to dismiss everyone who disagrees with them by calling them “children” and did not even bother to offer a kind word to people who were harassed and even had their trauma mocked by this person. It costs 0 dollars to say “that was not me but I’m sorry about people who were hurt.”
Dana and Elle are close with Ava’s Demon creator Michelle Czajkowski aka that one person who endorses child porn of her characters, and even had her draw a promo image for the game. Michelle has been creating highly sexualized content of her minor characters for a while now.
ok so elle and dana are gross freaks, how is that related to the game?
oh it’s very very related
Dana Rune’s and Elle’s lack of moral fiber that’s Actually Inside The Game or The Game’s Blog: now with more #racism #fetishization of poc and mlm #whitewashing #fat hate #pedophilia #nb erasure #transphobia
tl;dr: the arcana is filled to the brim with racism! so much of it! haha holy shit! and that’s not even where it ends!!!
their game is rated PG-13 but includes incredibly sexual situations such as Julian making this fucking face while getting off on pain. This isn’t the only time Dana and Elle use their videogame aimed at young teens to showcase their kinks and fetishes. I have no issue with NSFW or titillating content, as long as it’s rated accordingly. This content is NOT and it’s a blatant disregard for their audience just to have a larger, more pliable demographic and have more money sent their way.
if you start your argument with “well, teenagers look at porn” 1. shut up 2. theres a HUGE difference between teenagers going after adult content aimed at adults, and adults creating content they know will be seen by kids barely starting puberty
as pointed above, dana has 0 qualms literally commissioning people who make whitewashed fanart of her own fucking game that’s supposed to be all about the inclusivity and safe spaces
thearcanagame blog has a pattern of reblogging whitewashed fanart (before you come in swinging with the good ole “ITS THE LIGHTING”: 1. no it isnt 2. the artist should’ve picked better lightning then 3. i draw and post shit online too so dont come telling me i just dont understaaaand),
fanart of their fat characters showed skinnier than they are in their sprites (although to be real for a moment - Portia is curvy at most and them behaving she’s fat rep is HILARIOUS).
going back to NSFW content: nadia and asra are overwhemlingly sexualized in the game, and were the first to have sexualized CGs and sprites introduced.
CGs: Asra’s here, here aND HERE, Nadia’s here with a NSFW warning because she’s just got her whole fucking ass out. Sprites: Asra’s thank god for whoever compiled it all in one image, Nadia’s and once again, NSFW warning lmfao!
Julian’s sprites on the other hand are noticeably tamer, including the one where he’s fucking strapped in leather. His only sexual (NSFW warning because its literally softcore tentacle porn WHICH, ONCE AGAIN, SHOULDN’T BE PUT IN A GAME AIMED AT 13YOS) CGs were also included months after Nadia and Asra received any of theirs.
Through all of the updates, people have constantly requested that Asra and Nadia’s sexualization be toned down, and time after time The Arcana just churned out fetishistic, hypersexualized content at an absurd rate, especially when compared to the one white love interest.
Oh, speaking of the one white love interest: Julian is based off of Jeff Goldblum (this is not spectulation - they p much bring it up at any given time) but like. If Jeff Goldblum was white. They base their favorite love interest off their supposed favorite man in the world but casually leave his skin tone behind. Lmao.
they also play favorites very obviously - in the prologue, Nadia and Asra have a romance paid scene each. Julian has a scene... that requires no coins. Julian was also the first LI to receive three CGs, two of them requiring no coins, while both Asra’s and Nadia’s first CGs were behind a paywall
Dana and Elle have been notoriously skittish about confirming or denying their characters’ ethnicities. After hyping for weeks on thearcanagame that they would confirm the character’s races they basically made a post that amounted to “well they’re not white lol!”
they only relented after the perfectly understandable outrage... and posted a thread about it on Elle’s twitter. Nothing on the actual thearcanagame blog. Anyway, here’s the thread. Note how there’s mention of Julian being Jeff Goldblum... but nothing about him and Portia being Jewish (or “fantasy Jewish” as it were).
The one time they did confirm their jewishness dana then backpedaled and said she shouldn’t have done that lol.
another fun tidbit of how well The Arcana handles race and how much it cares about feedback from fans: an ask was sent about an anon begging for Nadia to step on them. The blog, with the finesse of a bunch of horny dumbasses, didn’t just publish the ask, but approved of it (even though the fans of color had long, long, LONG been telling everyone not to fetishize Nadia into a “step on me kween” wet dream). People were outraged, of course, and the blog ~apologized~ and said they were still learning.... then a new chapter included a scene of Nadia stepping on the Apprentice. 🙃
not to mention elle, on their twitter, made a passive aggressive “women can be doms?” tweet, trying to twist it into a “yr oppressing women” angle (when the issue is that women of color are always constantly portrayed as aggressive and domineering)
Now for a wombo combo of racism and Elle’s fetishization of mlm:
the devs have spoken at length of how Julian’s and Asra’s relationship was quite unhealthy. In a paid scene in Asra’s route, they’re depicted as Asra being disgusted w Julian touching him+Julian following Asra to his shop when Asra refused his offer to go with him (aka julian... stalked him lmfao).
.......... this scene is promptly followed by a highly sexual scenario where Julian’s pain fetish is played up. Remember how this game is rated PG-13? Me neither. Asra’s previous disgust with Julian is also forgotten, for some reason (and by some reason i mean Elle wants to make them fuck w/o buildup or logic).
Then Asra’s route has yet another paid scene dedicated to Asrian, even though he’s supposed to not even like Julian! And be head over heels with the Apprentice! But Elle just has to make these two be entangled despite insisting their relationship was not good for either of them!
Now here’s the kicker: Julian doesn’t have any paid scenes related to his romance with Asra. Note how it’s one of the brown LIs whose route is highjacked by the white LI, but not vice versa. Hmmmmm.
Now, on the topic of Asra: thearcanagame has said repeatedly that he’s nb and uses he/him pronouns, and promised (since last year) that there would be dialogue where he speaks about his gender
as of the making of this post such dialogue still does not exist
so basically asra is the nb to dumbledore’s gay: anyone who just plays the game w/o keeping up with the official blog has no idea of what asra’s gender is supposed to be.
aka he’s not nb. he’s just a cis guy. the arcana just doesn’t want to put its money where its mouth is, i dont care if elle is nb themself. the team made a promise which has not been fulfilled yet and i suspect will not be.
instead, our introduction to canon nb characters is... these two.
By “these two” i mean neither vulgora nor valdemar are even fucking human, and stick out like sore thumbs with their monstruousness.
so our nb rep is... non-human villains. a few books later one of Nadia’s sisters with they/them pronouns shows up, but that’s too little too late on top of the fact that we should’ve known Asra was nb from the first to begin with. It’s a fucking embarrassment and an insult.
at least two villains are visibly disabled (Lucio’s missing arm and Volta’s blind eye+intentionally asymmetrical face). Julian’s eye doesn’t count because, spoilers, he’s not lacking an eye and even if he was it’d still be hidden behind a dashing eyepatch instead of grotesquely displayed as a sign of his lacking morality.
BUT WAIT! IT DOESN’T EVEN END THERE!
The Arcana Exploits The App Business Model To Price Their Full Game at $500, $1000 if the three extra routes make it out, and they never delivered their Kickstarter rewards:
tl;dr: you heard me
the original price per route was planned on being $1.99
they took that “subject to change” really seriously, it seems, because now each route, once the game is fully out, is estimated to cost around $170 each.
both those screenshots are taken from this post which explains in detail just how truly scummy all of The Arcana’s business model and decisions are: https://mysticmicrotransactions.tumblr.com/post/174308723344/dishonesty-from-the-arcana
the tl;dr is basically what’s listed in the beginning of this section, but other highlights from that post are: the use of addictive gambling mechanics such the Wheel of Fortune, and the dazzling calls to action in the new mini-game.
something that The Arcana supporters forget (or choose to ignore) is the fact that for a long, long time the game did not have the mini-game or the log-in rewards for coins. Players depended only on the gambling of the WoF or paying absurd amounts of money for the new chapters.
the devs went from playing the victims who were unable of controlling prices to (as spoken of in the link from mysticmicrotransactions) saying the making of the game (a pathetic little app game backed by a studio and a kickstarter) justifies the prices
they also gave people false hope about maybe changing the prices in the future, all while bleeding money from loyal players in “micro” transactions
the arcana literally added a $99.99 coins option on their latest update
in case it hasn’t sunk in yet: you can pay a hundred dollars upfront to the arcana, and you still will not have access to the whole game
there is no defense to this
none
“it’s free stop whining” let me explain:
“spend months on end accumulating fake currency or pay hundreds of dollars up-front to be able to play” is a scummy business model no matter how you look at it
if i can spend $60 upfront to play an AAA game there’s no excuse to demand more than that for a game with much smaller and, honestly, inferior content
the combination of there being already far and few games featuring lgbt characters and characters of color AND the little cult of personality set up by Dana and Elle makes people feel that spending money to support them is an acceptable expense.
it’s not
manipulating people into spending ridiculous amounts of money and then claiming “it’s their choice” is just scummy business, baby, and thats all the arcana does
the devs are brats who instead of admitting $500 is absurd for a game instead write petty little caricatures into their game - like, lbr: dana, elle, if i could afford diamonds in my hair i wouldn’t have even bothered with your shitstain of a game
despite bragging that ppl would get the full story w/o needing to pay, the paid scenes are pretty much required - the first few books of julian’s route have no romance without accessing any of the paid options. you dont even get so much as a kiss in without handing coins over. many, many people were baffled when julian had a teary break-up scene when from their perspective they hadn’t even started building a relationship.
wow that’s more than i ever thought it’d be
and i’ve been aware of their bullshit for near a whole year now!
i don’t have much of a note to end this on, other than: the arcana just isn’t even that good. it suffers from weak writing, pathetic character development and above all actually harmful content. do not try to argue with me on any of these points unless you’ve read all of that, because whatever you have to say i’ve likely mentioned before. if you still are that determined to yell at a me on the internet, please preface your argument with the phrase “I’m a pee pee poo poo man” so I know you’ve read everything in here. thank you!
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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!
Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex
I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!
PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;
FIRST NAME
Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it.
Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now! [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]
STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF
hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore. even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye. i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her.
( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )
TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON
hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c
A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF
b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???
A FOOD YOU HATE
barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!
GUILTY PLEASURE
the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN
the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.
SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS
serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE
I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way.
ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON
when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all.
A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN
FLYPAPER. F L Y P A P E R. FLYPAPER. FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street. roast me.
FAVORITE BOOK
White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.
YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE
FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.
TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]
Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani. I am but a simple opossum.
PIE OR CAKE
Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.
FAVORITE SCENT
my dogs / my blanket. :’) It’s the most grounding smell in the world.
CELEBRITY CRUSH
oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I—— I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots
IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO
I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!! take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.
INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT
Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.
DO YOU SCARE EASILY
I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.
IPHONE OR ANDROID
I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh
DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES
My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies
DREAM JOB
Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS
fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.
FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE
dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit
tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT… the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.
FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER
Supernatural :-)
… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //
#||: && the mundane ( ooc );#( get to know a bitch!! )#( this was... a lot of me rambling about weirdly personal shit at 2 am )
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(1) Hi, I have no idea if I’m stepping out of bounds here, but I really do think it’s important to say. I’m probably not going to phrase it well because phrasing things (as you will gather) is not my strongpoint, but I will try.
(2) I was one of the anons who sent an ask about killing Donni (the one starting I LOVE ALL THE ROS), and I just want to sincerely apologise for doing that. I want to emphasise to you how ashamed I am of how I acted, that it was thoughtless and wrong and I will put the utmost effort into not repeating my mistake.
(3) Just a bit of an explanation - I’m not in a great place right now (I’m getting help, don’t worry), and am in the process of recovering from a certain trauma. When I feel like people might be looking down on me, or seeing me as a child, it makes me panic greatly, and is essentially the only time when I do things I really, truly regret. The fact that Donni just objectively knows a lot more about the situation and is in so much more control than the MC (or at least comes off that way) brings up
(4) a lot of very difficult memories. Why did I send you a joking, insincere message, then, that was rude and didn’t mention a word of why I actually felt like that? I’m not even sure I could say, but the best explanation I could give is that, as has been made clear, I’m a bit of an idiot sometimes.
(5) I’m not telling you this to try and excuse my actions of beg for your sympathy - no level of excuses or ‘hard times’ are going to make it okay to go up to someone and talk about killing in that way, ESPECIALLY to the author of the work who has pored time, energy and love into creating a story as incredible as yours. I’m telling this because I want you (and anyone else who reads this, should you choose to post it, a decision I leave completely up to you) to understand that when people say
(Theres an ask limit so Im sorry for spamming, but it got cut off :/) (6) things like this, its because of THEM. Not you, not because you havent made interesting, charming, sympathetic characters who are absolutely lovable and a pleasure to read about. Its bc were in a bad place, or have our own issues to sort out. Sometimes people do mean to hurt, yes, but even then I think they generally have personal reasons for being affected so much by it, even if that doesnt excuse it.
(7)But deliberate offense or not, the point remains that people send agressive asks because of their own issues, and it doesnt say a single thing about the quality of your writing! Your story is amazing and I truly cant describe how much Im looking forward to seeing more of these characters and this world. I hope this hasnt taken away any of the pleasure youve hopefully gotten from fans appreciating how amazing your work is :)
(8) Lastly I just wanted to apologise to everyone else who might have seen the ask, and all the other members of what is clearly a generally kind, generous community on here. I hope my silly ask didnt hurt anyone too badly, and am utterly sorry if it did. If so, it is not your fault. /Anyway hope this doesnt come off too dramatic or serious, I know it was just a stupid ask, but still. Who knows, maybe if one person apologises others will join in, and everyone will be happier!
(9)Another thing worth mentioning is that after reading the update, yeah, I find it hard not to like Donni. Wouldnt want to date him, but hes so obviously a good guy and its hard not to see that. And Im sorry for doing this on anon, i know the right thing to do would be to accept responsibility but I dont actually have tumblr and I think it would be a bit pointless to create it just for this because it would still be anonymous, as well as extra as fuck.
(10/10)Long story short, I love the update (cant believe I didnt mention that already), I have massive respect for the patience with which youve handled the asks, and keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing what you have in store for us, and thank you for everything :). (also if you don't want to clutter dont feel pressured to respond, and sorry for taking so long to say this) Thanks for hearing me out!
—
Thank you so much for taking responsibility, as well as coming to me directly and apologizing. That really means a lot!! 😊
I know many people who sent those asks likely did not meant to cause any harm and were just venting their own frustrations or anger, but I had to make it clear that it wasn’t okay to do so any longer. Honestly, I feel bad for letting it go on so long. I’ve had a couple of people tell me that they wished I would’ve put a stop to it sooner, and I agree with that. So I apologize, too!
I want this community to be a warm and welcoming one. I would hate for someone’s first opinion of us to be of something like that, you know? So even if you (not just you anon, I’m talking to everyone reading this) don’t intend any harm by doing so, please be considerate of me and other people from now on. That’s all I wanted to say about this!
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Kari’s Marvelous 2k Writing Challenge
Thank you so much, guys. I honestly didn’t expect this blog to grow the way it has when I started it. I love this fandom and I love reading for these characters as much as I love writing for them, so let’s celebrate with a challenge, shall we?
Since I reached the milestone before my 1 year anniversary I will as open up drabble requests using a prompts list - I’ll make a post about that as soon as I can.
Also, check out and please participate in my Spread the Love event for my 1 year anniversary.
This challenge is for you guys to have fun with. I set the due date a few months in the future to make sure you got plenty of time to complete it.
The prompts for this challenge are all dialogue prompts. They are all a little odd and a little sassy. Cause well I am a little odd and sassy ;) On to the rules and have fun Y'all!
Due Date: June 1st, 2019
Word min: 500 words
Word Max: 6k words
Style: It can be a drabble, one shot or beginning of a series. Do not put in in the middle of an ongoing series since I plan on reading them and don’t want to read 10 parts of something to understand the entry.
Fandom: MCU - mostly
Will you read and reblog my fic?
You betcha :D I am behind on reading for previous challenges so patience is a virtue here
When Do I Post?
Right now. Sign Ups start now and end when there are no more prompts or when the due date rolls around
Genre: Anything you want. You have to be over 18 if you write smut and you always have to warn accordingly! Fluff, angst, AUs, and crack are all welcome.
Limits on what you can write: No Mommy/daddy kinks, no non/dub con, no A/B/O, no merpeople. No half animal anything, please. No mobster aus. No monster porn (this counts Venom and Hulk) No glorification on cheating (it’s okay as a plot device but use it with thought), no wife, s/o (even exes) or actor hate in rpfs! - if you got any questions at any time feel free to send me an ask,
NO BDSM INVOLVING BUCKY - NEITHER IN SHIPS OR READER INSERTS! PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL OF HIS PTSD! DON’T TURN HIS ARM INTO A KINK FOR ANYONE - IT’S A DISABILITY AND CONNECTED TO GREAT TRAUMA.
Format: State in your A/N that it is for my (until-theend-oftheline) Kari’s Marvelous 2K Challenge. And use the # Kari’s Marvelous 2K Challenge in the first 5 tags.
Pairing and word count also have to be easy to spot in your header!
Submit: After you posted on Tumblr you have to add yourself and your fic to this doc. If you don’t do this you will not be added to the masterlist I create when the challenge is over. If you got questions - just ask :D
Doc link it case Tumblr is an ass: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16FmPbXuA6oF23M5qiR5jRCSiUpaW_RiDIPUHG_LziBk/edit?usp=sharing
How do I join?
You pick a prompt and a pairing off the list. Send me the prompt number along with a backup just in case and your pairing of choice. ASKS ONLY!! REPLIES, REBLOGS AND IMS WILL BE IGNORED!
There are no limits on the pairings but I only allow 2 people per prompt so think before you sign up. If you don’t think you will be doing it then don’t take the spot from someone else. For now, 1 person can sign up 3 times (one prompt per story).
Prompts and people are under the cut.
Pairings
No male readers - gender neutral are fine otherwise female.
General Fics - character or rpf are both fine.
All genders, skin tones etc. OCs are welcome as well.
Sister/daughter/romantic/friendship reader pairings for following are all fine - just let me know which (I prefer romantic or friendship but no pressure):
Actors
Sebastian Stan
Chris Evans
Bradley Cooper
Chris Hemsworth
Robert Downey Jr.
Tom Hiddleston
Elizabeth Olsen
Tom Hardy
Characters
Bucky Barnes
Steve Rogers
Thor Odinson
Tony Stark
Wanda Maximoff
Sam Wilson
Brunnhilde/Valkyrie
Natasha Romanoff
Clint Barton*
Wade Wilson
Eddie Brock (no monster porn please!)*
Ships (all are allowed as poly with reader too):
Stucky*
Winterwitch*
Winterwidow
Winterhawk*
Winterfalcon*
Sam x Clint (I don’t know their ship name)
Clintasha
Steggy
Thundershield
Thor x Valkyrie (also forgot the ship name)
Prompts
1 “I’ve never been so insulted!” - “You don’t listen much do you?” @jewelswrites-ish (Chris Evans x Reader) / @avengerscompound (Winterhawk)
2 “On a scale of one to Australia. How dangerous are we talking?” @avengerscompound (clintasha) /
3 “When did you become so smart, oh wise one?” - “Since I stopped listening to you.” @writing-mermaid (Tony x sister!reader) /
4 “Seven billion people in the world and you are overreacting because we killed one man.” - “But…” - “Seven billion people! Now shut up and drink your smoothie!” @queen-of-the-avengers (Tony x Reader) /
5 “Oh God. I think I am in love” - “For your sake, I wouldn’t tell her/him that” @docharleythegeekqueen (Winterhawk x Reader) /
6 “Don’t trust him” - “Funny that’s exactly what he said about you” @readitandweepfics (Steve x Reader) /
7 “Children shouldn’t play with guns” - “Who said I was playing”
8 “On a scale of one to ten how bad do you think it would be if….” - “At least twenty” @fangirlfiction (Stucky x Reader) / @queen-of-the-avengers (Tony x Reader)
9 “What’s our exit strategy?” - “Our what?” - “Ohmygod we’re going to die” @acreativelydifferentlove (Steve Rogers x Reader) /
10 “I taught you how to pick locks and this is how you are using that skill?” @messy-random-bitch (Clint Barton) /
11 “What’s the little blinking light mean?” - “It means…. Wait? Blinking?!”
12 “Right now I don’t know if I want to kiss you or push you off the cliff!” - “Can I pick?” @sweeetmonstrosity (Sam Wilson x Reader) / @averyrogers83 (winterfalcon x reader)
13 “This is what the third time I crashed my own funeral” - “Fifth” - “Really? That many?”
14 “Bring them home. All of them.” - “But…” - “All. Of. Them.” - “Fine!”
15 “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!” - “And I am subtly trying to avoid it.”
16 “What’s with the face?” - “Small fire! I said to set a small fire. Small was important!” @queen-of-the-avengers (Natascha Romanoff x Reader) /
17 “What the hell kinda noise was that?” - “I sneezed.” - “That was NOT a sneeze!” @jewels2876 (Chris Evans x Reader) /
18 “You got blood on your knees. No one goes nowhere and gets blood on their knees.”
19 “Is that blood?” - “No?” - “That’s not a question you’re supposed to answer with another question!” @nekoannie-chan (Steve Rogers x Reader) / @becs-bunker (Stucky x Reader)
20 “Obviously I’ve been gone for way too long. You managed to kill all the houseplants” @awkwardfangirl2014 (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / @queen-of-the-avengers (Tom Hiddleston x Reader)
21 “Don’t you know who I am?” - “Yup. I just don’t care.” @queen-of-the-avengers (Elizabeth Olsen x Reader) /
22 “You’re going to break his heart if you pull a stunt like this” - “He has a heart?” @keepgrindingwaywardsoul (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / @yougetkilled-walkitoff (Bucky Barnes x Reader)
23 “Sorry I got a cold and feverish assassin on my lap. I’ll call you back when I convinced him a cold doesn’t mean he is dying.” @keepgrindingwaywardsoul (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / @acreativelydifferentlove (Steve Rogers x Reader)
24 “I hate you” - “Why? I’m lovely” @barnesrogersvstheworld (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / @queen-of-the-avengers (Natascha Romanoff x Reader)
25 “You’re one insult away from starting a war” - “That’s presumptuous of you. It already started”
26 “What are you doing in the chandelier?” - “You know. Just hanging out”
27 “Can we please try not to kill anyone today?” - “Well you are no fun” @kentuckybarnes (Bucky Barnes x Reader) /
28 “You missed!” - “I never m… FUCK!”
29 “You nearly took my head off!” - “I told you to dug didn’t I?!” @raqnorok (Bucky Barnes x Reader) /
30 “If you weren’t so goddamn annoying I would kiss you right now” - “Well if you weren’t such a pain in the ass…. Wait what?” @tranquil—heart (Steve Rogers x Reader) / @awkwardfangirl2014 (Chris Evans x Reader)
MCU WRITING CHALLENGES
@ifyougetkilled-walk-it-off @captain-rogers-beard @dolphinpink310 @grace-for-sale @docharleythegeekqueen @rebelslicious @thorne93 @hillywooddestiel @peterman-parker @queen-of-deans-booty @acreativelydifferentlove @emilyevanston @blacktithe7 @becs-bunker @roxyspearing @blacktithe7 @cassiefanfic @readitandweepfics @kayla-of-shield @fangirlextraordinaire @thatfanficstuff @danijimenezv @hopes-archer @marvel_madam08 @averyrogers83 @thelookingglassalice @slowlywithfreedom @awkwardfangirl2014
And a few others cause I love their writing
@jewels2876 @becs-bunker @roxyspearing @barnesrogersvstheworld @sebs-potato @moonbeambucky @tropicalcap @softlybarnes @bucky-at-bedtime @evanstarff @fangirlfiction @i-dont-do-rpfs @avengerscompound
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so 2020 is officially here and i’ve left my party early to do some INTROSPECTION and SELF ASSESSMENT can i get a hell yeah ??
i’ve started this blog here mainly for myself; i want to see how i progress with certain elements of my life and i think i need somewhere to write down my gotdamn feelings. obviously tumblr is free
i’m setting some goals for the decade right now. a decade is a long time so these are some big goals (plus some little goals)
1. get through university
im 21 and ive only just started university. when i left sixth form the thought of all that debt made me weep so i thought fuck that noise and got an apprenticeship. luckily for me my apprenticeship was incredible and i love my job to bits and now theyre paying for me to do my bachelors in chemistry. ITS SO HARD THOUGH!!!!!! i am very out of practice as a student so the existence of studyblrs is a godsend.. this blog may turn into a bit of a studyblr
2. keep playing piano
earlier this year i bought a piano on a whim (potentially not my most sound financial investment. it was 600 quid) thankfully ive actually practised a lot and im quite proud of what ive achieved (being able to play moonlight sonata and the piano from amelie is a highlight) and i definitely want to keep it up but i have a habit of just giving up for no damn reason. my focus drifts and i never go back. piano brings me a sense of peace and pride and i really do not want to give that up though, so come 2030 i gotta be a pro okay? right
3. write my novel
this might seem like a stupid and unrealistic goal to just pluck out of nowhere but i’ve had this story and these characters running around in my head for sometime now. i havent come up with a sufficient plot summary because its all so abstract in my brain and i need to get these bastard characters out on a page so they can stop disturbing my thoughts
4. learn a language
i say learn a language - i’ve already gotten pretty deep into two languages, russian and swedish and i was quite good at them like conversational at least, but then of course i didnt practice and i got out of the habit and now im like barely remembering any of it. i can barely speak english on a bad day and i am english. so im gonna put my goddamn memrise pro subscription to good fucking use or im gonna have to go back to that demonic stalker hell bird from duolingo
5. lose weight/get fit
over the last couple of years i have put on a lot of weight. i think it might be a combination of getting used to full adult working hours, stress of moving out and becoming dependent purely on my own damn self and not knowing how to cook and kind of just enjoying life a bit too much (not that you shouldnt enjoy life, i mean that i go out and eat and drink far far too often) i dont necessarily want to ‘get skinny’, i just want to be proud of my body and happy with the things it can do. for this ive got a couple of ‘sub goals’:
learn to cook like a normal human being
start going to the gym (that is IN MY BUILDING and also FREE)
try barre balance classes
finally for the love of god, go back and relearn ice skating
6. work on my mental health
so after seven years (!!!) of having some pretty bad issues and low points etc etc. i finally had something of a mental breakdown in june this year. turns out pretending that everything is fine is not a long term solution. so with a bit of help from my mum, i am now in therapy. and boy there is a lot going on. things i hadn’t even thought about since i was a child are actually still affecting me in a big way??? what bullshit. childhood trauma seemed like something that happened to other people and not in my real life. but im working through it. its going to be a long haul journey and theres so much i havent even begun to try to deal with, but if i can stay on the right track and work through it all i’ll be happy. i know its not something that can be like fixed and done with, so if i can just find the will to carry on with everything i’ll be pleased
OKAY, so these are my long term goals. im trying not to put too much pressure on myself to do all of this all the time. maybe ill have a week where i learn 6000 songs on the piano and nothing else. thats cool. although i think uni work may be a bit of a priority that i need to push myself on....
but anyway, to anyone who reads this inane ramble, i hope you have a gorgeous 2020 and a roaring 20′s decade and remember -
stay sexy
#2020#resolutions#new blog#personal#motivation#inspiration#studyblr#writeblr#piano#get fit#mental health#lets do this#no pressure#journal#peace#happy new year#happy new decade#lifestyle#studying#chemistry student#learning#therapy#getting better#getting stronger#langblr#russian#swedish#language
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SITS DOWN
PULLS OUT 10 GIANT ALBUMS :)))
(this came out way longer than I intended im so fuckgkdsdf sory)
How I feel about this character:
EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS I’M IN LOVE WIHT RATCHET. I love him in all iterations of Transformers because he’s always the tired, pragmatic one of the group. In contrast, he’s also almost tiredly optimistic in some ways. He won’t get out of bed, but if someone gets shot in the head he’ll spend however long and beyond to resuscitate them. There’s 2 halves to this--the me who identifies with the beating exhaustion he exudes, and the me who’s in awe that he’ll still fight his way through life.
I won’t... get into each continuity...because that’s too much, so I’ll stick with probably the most unpopular version of him and that’s IDW (my impression, anyway).
IDW Ratchet gets a lot of flack for being way too sour and like, maybe not selfish, but uncaring. He cares! A lot! He’s always thinking about everyone in really surprisingly thoughtful ways. Like when he’s 90% sure he’ll die due to Overlord and his last words are to promote First Aid to CMO (he’s ready!! god that’s sweet), and to give his hands to Whirl (though maybe a bit blindsided, he’s paid attention to some roots of Whirl’s trauma). Or yeah he’s hella mean to Drift in the beginning, but when Drift is dying in his arms he’s scREAMING at him “you’re gonna make it! You’re gonna be fine because I’m gonna make sure you’re gonna be fine”. He can be an asshole, but he knows the time and place. Death isn’t something to play with--he’s seen probably countless friends die, and he doesn’t want that to happen again. Even now, even after the war.
So I feel very confused when ppl act like he’s this mean, cold person. He’s exTREMELY emotional. He’s probably way too invested in everyone’s lives, honestly? He interrupts a round table story for Rung just to reminisce on the veery last time he, OP, and Roller were together in the same room (not even hanging out or anything, just being together one last time. who remembers that after 5+ millions years??). He started an illegal clinic in the bad part of town because he wanted to put his skills to better use! Like! LOL.
ALSO, a point that i think is unfair is that ppl think his atheism is just really mean. IT is! But I think it shows just how much of an emotional and extremely, deeply hurt person he is. It gets aggravating when he’s condescending of religion, because there’s no simple logic to it. He reacts the way he does because he’s a hurt person who’s gone through years of trauma and this is his way of coping. Is it healthy or right? Nah, but it’s humanizing. It’s why when he becomes closer to Drift he occupies this weird between space where he snarks but also tries to indulge more in perspectives outside of his own in his own dumb old tsundere way. He’s a person who believes in justice, ultimately, and religion to him doesn’t fall under justice.
ALSO, can I say that his inability to say good byes is so.. like relatable? I have rly bad social anxiety, and so I’ve definitely ghosted people who’ve been nothing but really supportive for me. It’s not because I wanted to burn them, but it freaks you out needing to, not even say goodbye, but communicate with ppl. And for Ratchet--how many times was he FORCED to say good bye to friends + patients who were dying beyond his help? Maybe, if he could help it, he doesn’t want to say goodbye. And it’s tragic the times he’s just left, these were people who ended up either dying for falling astray into insanity, i.e., beyond his help. But he learns. He chases after Drift, who he actually said, in a way, good bye to (helping him off the floor after being attacked, also I should point out that a very tiny handful of people were comfortable interacting w/ Drift at all, and how much Ratchet just doesn’t give a shit abt how other ppl think abt him. he’ll help drift off the floor bc t’s the right thing to do). He says goodbye in his old dumb way--First Aid calls him out on it. ALSO his trust in First Aid is super cute. ALSO he’s like.. genuinely nice to Ten (he helped him get a date with Minimus!!!). And he’s not afraid to call out on other ppl’s bullshit (telling rodi straight you dont deserve to be captain which, at the time, was really true). He’s also SUPER smart. Also there’s that post on tumblr that pointed out that Ratchet immediately goes to deescalate conflict. He’s willing to put aside pride and anything if it means ultimately coming to a resolution where EVERYONE involved is safe. The only time he doesn’t is FUCKING OVERLORD who he rightfully, immediately, tries to briefly incapacitate to lockdown his medibay (protect patients/information). Ok I gotta stop I can go on forever just going page to page.
Also, despite my love, I can totally point out his flaws. He’s grating when it’s unnecessary, he’s abhorrently bad at communicating, he’s privileged, he’s narrow-minded at times, etc. ec. But again what I love about him is that despite all that, he’ll throw his own self out the window for others’s well-being bc he genuinely, genuinellyyy cares about other people. If only he could care for himself //cries
All the people I ship romantically with this character
OH god... everyone. He’s my bicycle.
ok look, ya’ll know I’m an intense dratchet shipper and I could literally write a god damn essay. ... here’s another essay???!!
So, I’ma be real, I wasn’t a super dratchet shipper before. I wasn’t anti (i have no notps), but I was just “yeah they’re cute i guess haha”. But 99.99% the reason why I ship anything is all for super cute adorable fanart. and I kept drawing them because 1) ratchet’s my fav, 2) drift is super popular so I figured I should learn to draw him. And they became the only 2 mechs I could draw. I used to be way more into Scavengers + megarod. I used to only like 1 dratchet fanfic and that’s bc it was less romantic and more plot centric (still a fav tho). Then I kept seeing cute fanart, I would read posts by other dratchet shippers too about what makes them so nice? And I was yeah.. oh yeah. And it doesn’t help that in Lost Light, drift is CONSTANTLY by Ratchet’s side. He’s constantly checking up on him and holding him and touching him, like as if Ratchet is the thing that he needs to make sure, at all costs, is safe.
In Drift’s life, Ratchet is the one who appears to him when he needs support the most but is in the most denial of it. When Drift is at the brink of death, overdosed and about to be broken apart and Orion brings him to Ratchet’s clinic. Ratchet patches him up pro-bono and tells him that he sees something special in him. like??? can you imagine how that feels? To have no one believe in you--you don’t even believe in yourself, and yet here’s this person who tells you “you’re gonna be great”. And it totally doesn’t hit Drift in anyway, at least in a way that’s tangible to him, until much later in life. Or maybe it does (hey, how do you weave character narratives when it’s been written by like 3 different ppl shrugs). And that statement means 2 different things to them. To Drift, it’s a reminder that he’s worth something, even if it’s a sliver of nearly nothing to hold onto. To Ratchet, it’s a reminder that the greatness he saw led to the deaths of thousands of people.
HEY can you imagine this person you saved, patched up, tried to encourage, ended up being a mass serial killer in the future? (have you ever read Monster by Naoki Urusawa). Ended up killing people you loved?
So it’s no wonder that a good part of Ratchet is absolutely mad at Drift. And I think if that was all, they probably would’ve ended up being amicable. But Drift also ended up being super religious and seeing the hand and primus in everything and oh my god is this person really waxing poetry on the value of life when he, himself, shot several bullets at me at one point?
I also believe they are uncomfortably similar as they are different. The reason why they constantly butt heads is they’re two people trying to escape a past they don’t want and found complete opposite ways to cope with their losses. Drift found religion, Ratchet is gratingly pragmatic, and they see each other and go “how could this guy choose to be this way?”. I’ve heard ppl like to cite the annual as the reason why they could never work out. BUT, can I point out, that they act around each other in a way they don’t with anyone else? Drift gets SO MAD. Ratchet gets extremely talkative and incredibly personal (pulled out an electro slug from someone’s spark, holy shit that fucking traumatized you didn’t it??). They challenge each other emotionally, and it’s so fucking difficult bc they’re both extremely depressed and suffer from PTSD and would probably rather just go on their dumb space adventure and look at stars--take 2 emotionally constipated idiots and you get them. And hell no, don’t tell me Drift is in-tune with his feelings bc he’s 10000% not. He uses religion to cope with a past and life that he doesn’t want to think about. He tries to re-contextualize himself because he hates who he is. OUCHHH. And Ratchet MAKES him confront the parts of himself he hates--bc Ratchet has seen his worst traits and isn’t afraid to make him think about it.
So why do they work out eventually? They realize how important they are to each other. Delphi, Drift saves Ratchet’s life while he’s barely holding onto his own because he probably feels like he owes Ratchet his own life. And that’s a huge turning point in their relationship--Ratchet sees that... Drift tries really really fucking hard. My friend Zig pointed out that post-Delphi, Drift is eating energon w/ chopsticks (what a fucking nerd), and you can see in a later panel that Ratchet (who chose to sit next to Drift) is using those chopsticks too. IT’s such a small thing, but they’re becoming closer by sharing and learning from each other. And then Drift takes the fall and leaves. And Ratchet realizes just how important Drift’s presence is in his life. I mentioned it already lol but the scene where Ratchet helps Drift up off the floor and it’s superimposed with the love message Rewind left for CD. They care about each other so much!! And Ratchet chases after him!! HOLY SHIT. If that isn’t romance, what is?? lol I kid, but it’s obvious just how important Drift’s presence meant to him. IT’s really because they became so so so close in a way that can’t be described as just friends. They deeply understand each other in really uncomfortable ways and bring out the absolute worst and absolute best in each other. And this point is where Ratchet again appears when Drift doesn’t realize he needs someone in his life. Drift thinks he can be a loner and just float aimlessly and voicelessly--hell no! He needs friends, he needs community. He NEEDs belonging, because he wants to belong somewhere. And Ratchet helps bridge him back to friends and found family.
And Ratchet slowly changes the more he’s with Drift. He reads religious text and tries to brag about it bc he’s a dumb tsundere lol but he’s trying to understand Drift’s interests more even if it takes a decade and more to get there. And Drift values him for being his rock. That’s why he’s constantly making sure Ratchet is safe and unharmed, because he owes at least that much to him. And yeah they eventually fall in love because they value each other in a way they haven’t anyone else. IM EMO I CAN GO ONE, this all probably didn’t make a whole lot of sense but yeah. I’m just so soft to the fact that they’re horribly hurt people who don’t know how to redirect their pain, but by being together they come out healthier and more confident. IT’S RLY ROMANTIC IDKKK
My non-romantic OTP for this character
As much as I also love OpRatch, they are also great best friend platonic ship. They know each other best, they’ve been through SO MUCH together. It’s honestly a shame they barely interact in IDW bc the small tidbits we have, they obviously deeply respect each other’s opinions and deeply value the relationship they’ve had over the past millions of years.
I’m also all for non-romanceOTP for dratchet because I can totally imagine they go to each other to talk about things they feel uncomfortable sharing with others (they’ve seen the absolute worst of each other afterall).
My unpopular opinion about this character
I don’t... think I ahve one. Some ppl view my love for his as grating lol.
One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.
Medic spin off.
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