#and this is coming from someone who grew up with abusive parents myself

[transsexula]

Hate seeing people say that Transandrophobia isn't real because, in their words, the "androphobia" isn't something people in real life face.

Now. Maybe this is because when I see this opinion, it's attached to someone who is either transfem, AMAB, or who has only ever lived in incredibly liberal areas.

Meaning: They do not have the life experience to speak on that.

It's simple, I can use myself as an easy example: I grew up on the west side of the US. My extended family and parents were very Christian, very conservative. The community I grew up in was in turn the same- very conservative, very Christian, very fundamentalist. Certain Disney movies were banned from the house for featuring witchcraft, or other "morally reprehensible" things. DISNEY MOVIES.

With this background, I'm sure you can tell where this was headed: I can clearly remember being in the pharmacy with my mother. I was small. I saw a lady with what I now know is a pixie cut- incredibly short hair, bright bold pink. Her girlfriend was there, and her own hair was incredibly butch- like they went to a sports clips and asked for what the guy next to them was getting. I was amazed- I'd never seen a woman that looked like that before. I voiced so with awe and wonder to my mother. I was supposed to get a haircut in an hour. "I want that! She looks so pretty and nice"

Who was visibly disgusted. Grabbing me, yanking me away, muttering "no. You don't want to look like that. Let's go."

Fast forward a few years. I'm too young to be drinking a beer, my uncle has stayed up late. We are watching music videos and sharing interests, when we see a rather masc looking woman in a video. He's disgusted. He makes an offhand joke about how she needs to be reminded of her feminine ways. I know what violations he's implying so vividly. He opens up about his fantasy of hatecriming two butch "women" he saw. I'm too afraid to speak.

There's a debate in church. Should women be allowed to wear above the knee shorts? We really didn't like that they can wear pants. Really, the pastor says in his sermon- it's the woman's job to maintain her feminine nature, in opposition to her husband's masculine nature. These blurring lines aren't good for people.

And- I don't want to get into the people I've known who've been hurt, abused, forcefully feminized, beaten for being masculine- the men that feel entitled to their bodies, because they feel entitled to a say in how they present.

The reason you don't see the abuse for being masculine, is because you come from a world where it's widely accepted in ways that not every culture, not every state or country has.

Gnc women, trans men, transmasc nonbinary people- if you're in the wrong place, born to the wrong family, you may never be safe enough to wear pants. You may not be able to cut your hair. Or be anything less than the perfect, ideal woman.

You get punished for not being what you have been assigned. For the act of defiance against others perception, you can be killed.

So, yeah. There's a lot of androphobia. There's a LOT of fear of the masculine. It just comes out in ways you aren't expecting, as someone who hasn't had to experience it. You don't know what to look for. Where to look. It's everywhere but you can be blind to it if you're insulated enough.

Hell- even terfs are falling into severe androphobia. It's their whole motto. What am I, if not a failed woman to them? Mutilating my perfect feminine form? Being a man is the ultimate crime to these people. Are you really telling me JKRs very public campaign hasn't made life hell for ALL of us? We are all losing healthcare due to this.

#transandrophobia #transphobia #AGAIN THIS ISNT TO START SHIT THIS IS TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS A THING #the reason i didnt attach this to a post about it is because of that specific reason #im tired of people acting like we are all just safe in big cities

[callsign-magnolia]

Undiagnosed // Ch. 8

Mature Content 18+

Jake Seresin x Neurodivergent OC

Summary: Katie Blair grew up trying to be the perfect daughter. She always struggled to be the prim and proper little girl her parents wanted. Big personality as a kid, but now at 25, she's the shy admiral's daughter who just keeps her head down and tries to get through law school. So what happens when she's had enough and with help from a certain Lieutenant, she gets out.

Warnings: Emotional abuse, trauma response, abusive parents.

Word Count: 6.9k

Chapter 7 | Masterlist

“Katie.” I rolled over in bed, burying my face in the pillow as whoever was in my room was trying to wake me up. “Katie.” Their tone was a little more harsh, but I still ignored them. “Katie Scarlett.” The voice hissed and my eyes flew open. “Mom?” I asked, fear lacing my voice. “Get up.” She hissed and I sat up, backing away from her to the other side of the bed. “Wha-what are you doing here? How’d you get in?” I asked just as I backed into something or someone. I looked up, terrified of what I might see, and I had every right to be scared. My dad grinned down at me, evil seeping out of his crooked smile. I gasped, attempting to dive off the end of the bed, but his hand wrapped around my long hair. A scream escaped me, one that sent a shiver up my own spine. “GET BACK HERE!” My dad screamed, dragging me off the bed. “LET ME GO!” I screamed and he dragged me out into the hallway. 

“JAKE!” I screamed, watching as he sprinted out of his room. He ran and ran, but never got any closer. I screamed again as my father tossed me over his shoulder. He started down the staircase and I grabbed the banister. My mother immediately rushed over and pried my hands off of it. “JAKE PLEASE!” My father stormed towards the entry way as Jake came down the stairs. I could see the look of fear on his face but he wouldn’t run any faster, he couldn’t. He was sprinting as fast as possible but the pace he was going was like he was in slow motion. I grabbed onto the corner of the wall hoping to pull myself away, but my fathers strength beat mine. He yanked me from the wall, a few of my nails ripping off in the process. He swung the door open and threw me off his shoulder. I fully expected to hit the concrete, but I never did. I fell and fell and fell. Until I shot up in bed, a scream escaping my throat. Hands gripped my arms, holding me close. “LET ME GO! LET ME GO!” The arms encircled me and the familiar cologne hit me. “You’re okay. You’re safe.” Jake whispered the soothing words to me. “Don’t let them take me. Jake, please.” I cried as he pulled me into his lap. “I won’t darlin’. I’ll never let them take you away.” I cried into his shoulder as he held me close, one hand rubbing my back and the other keeping my legs in his lap. “Who was it?”

“My parents.” I sobbed and he held me tighter. “You’re safe, darlin’. I promise.” He held me,  whispering soothing words into my ear as he rocked side to side and eventually I calmed down. “What was the nightmare about?” He asked. “They pulled me out of this bed and dragged me out of the house.” He sighed, still holding me. “They won’t come in here, I won’t let them.” Soon I crawled out of his lap and sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. “I’m sorry for waking you.” He shook his head. “No. No, it’s okay.” He moved to sit next to me, leaned against the headboard as well. “I’ve never had a nightmare like that.” I admitted, pulling my knees up to my chest and squeezing. “Well, you just got out of a terrifying situation. So it’s understandable.” I hummed and we sat in silence for a minute. “Maybe you should see a therapist. It might help.” My head whipped around to him, anger in my eyes. “I’m not fucking crazy! I don’t need some therapist rooting around in my head!” He furrowed his eyebrows at my words. “I never said you were crazy.” I scoffed. “Really? I know good and well only insane people see therapists and psychiatrists.” He still looked genuinely confused. “Who told you that?” He asked. 

“My mother.” I deadpanned. “Oh geez.” He huffed before sitting up and turning to face me. “Darlin’, a lot of people see therapists. I’ve done it after a few deployments.” He said. “You have?” He nodded. “My nightmares got pretty bad at one point and I went to see a therapist, and she made things a hell of a lot easier.” I pursed my lips, my eyes meeting his green ones. “What’s it like?” I asked. “It’s a lot of talking shit out and getting a new perspective. Every time I go, it’s work related. But maybe Rooster can help you a little more. I know his sessions are more about his personal life than work.” I nodded. “Will you talk to him?” I nodded. “I’ll talk to him, but I make no promises that I’ll go through with it.” He smiled at me. “That’s okay.” We sat in silence for a little while longer until I slowly started to get sleepy again. “Think you can go back to sleep?” I nodded. “I’m getting sleepy but I can’t guarantee that I won’t wake up again.” He nodded, patting my leg. “That’s okay. I’m just down the hall if you need me.” He got up as I crawled under the covers again. He started to close the door and panic rose in my chest. “Hey, Jake?” He stopped, opening the door back up. “Will you leave it open?” I felt like a child asking. But I had this fear that I’ll wake up in the morning and it’ll be locked from the outside. 

“Whatever you want, darlin’.” He pulled the door to, leaving it cracked pretty wildly and I heard him go back to his bedroom. I laid in the bed, staring out the door. Every noise sounded like someone coming up the stairs, I thought I saw shadows, I even swore I heard my dads truck outside. My heart pounded in my chest and I got up, padding over to the window and looking out of it. I looked outside but I could only see the end of the driveway. I walked over to the door, opening it and peeking my head out. The hallway was dark, eerily so but I could tell there was no one there. So I stepped out of the safety of my room and out into the hallway. I descended the stairs cautiously waiting for someone to come around the corner at any moment. As I stepped on the bottom step, it squeaked and I tensed. I didn’t want Jake to know I was up, I didn’t need to bother him any more. Once I was off the stairs I made my way over to the front window, looking out. I saw nothing but Jake’s truck in the driveway and I let out a sigh of relief. But what if the door was unlocked? I’m sure Jake locked it, but what if? I walked over to the door, staring at the lock. It was in the locked position and I turned around and immediately forgot if it was locked or not. I furrowed my brows and looked at it again, still locked. But there was an itch in the back of my brain. What if it’s not really locked and you’re just imagining it? I shook my head, opting to touch the lock. Once I felt that it was lock relief washed over me. I turned around and a scream escaped me. 

“Were you leaving again?” Jake asked. “No! No, Jake I swear! I just…” I felt like a petulant child explaining this to him. “I got… I got scared. What if my dream came true? I was hearing things and I thought I heard a car out front. So I came down here to check and of course, there was nothing. But for my own piece of mind I wanted to make sure the door was locked.” He looked down at me and I looked down at my bare feet on the floor. “I’m sorry if I upset you.” I apologized. “No, I’m sorry I assumed you were leaving. Just, after last time-” “You have every right to worry about that. But that was the biggest mistake of my life, and I won’t do it again.” He smiled at me. “Come on, let’s go back to bed.” I nodded as he led me up the stairs and I went back into my room. “Hey Jake?” I asked and he peeked in the doorway. “Yeah?” I bit my lip. Thinking about the question I was about to ask. “Nevermind.” I said, looking away from him. “Katie.”  I looked back to him to see him leaned on the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. “I’m not going to judge you for anything you wanna ask or say to me.” I sighed, hugging my knees to my chest. “Can you sit here for a while? Just until I fall asleep?” It was barely a whisper, but I spoke it nonetheless. 

He gave me a small smile, nodding and walking over to the bed. I got under the covers and slid down, laying on my back, which was something I didn’t normally do. He laid down next to me on top of the covers, resting his hands on his stomach. We laid there in the silence, and it was the most comfortable I had been in so long. “Thank you.” I whispered as tears fell down my cheeks and onto my neck. “What for?” He replied, his voice as quiet as mine. “Everything.” His hand brushed mine before slowly he intertwined our fingers. I relaxed into the pillows and the softness of the mattress. Jake’s thumb rubbed my own, sending me into a deep undisturbed sleep. When I awoke the next morning I was alone in bed, and that was okay. The blinds were open and the sun beamed in on my face, blinding me. I heard footsteps climbing the stairs and a soft knock on the door. I looked over to see Jake smiling at me. “Morning.” I smiled and the urge to stretch came over me. “Morning.” I said as I stretched my arms above my head, arching my back and stretching my legs so hard my toes practically pointed downwards. A high pitched whine escaped me at the pleasurable feeling of my muscles stretching from their stagnant state. 

When I opened my eyes I saw Jake staring at me and I couldn’t help but giggle. “Sorry. Sometimes I wish I could just take my body apart like legos or snap it like a glow stick.” He laughed at my words as I sat up. “Well if you want, I have breakfast ready downstairs.” I nodded, tossing the covers off my legs as he walked downstairs. I stood, stretching once more before grabbing the hair tie that Kelly loaned me and walking to the bathroom. There, I wiped my face down and pulled my hair into a bun, getting the weight off my neck before going downstairs. “Need help?” I asked just as the oven went off. “Can you pull those biscuits out before they burn?” I nodded, grabbing the oven mit and pulling them out. “Sorry they’re from a can, I just didn’t have the energy to do homemade.” I shook my head. “I don’t care about that. I wouldn't have cared if you didn’t make anything at all.” He laughed. “Well my mom would have my hide if she found out I used canned biscuits. It’s also a Sunday tradition to cook. Kelly should be here any minute.” Just as he said it the front door opened. “Honey! I’m home!” He grinned widely at the sound of her voice. She entered the kitchen just as he moved the pot off the stove. “Hi baby.” She said, kissing him quickly. “Hi, honey.” It was sickly sweet the way they are with each other. 

“And you.” My eyes widened and I looked at her. “I have brought you a flat iron and some makeup, just in case you wanted it. We don’t have the same skin tone but I brought some eyeliner and mascara.” I smiled at her. “You didn’t have to do that.” She laughed. “No, but it’s a flat iron I don’t use anymore and I needed it out of my apartment.” I nodded. “Food’s ready if you’re hungry.” Jake said, coming back into the kitchen from the dining room. “Of course I’m hungry! Do you know who you’re talking to?” Kelly asked, joining him at the table. I grabbed the bowl of biscuits, bringing it out to the table to join them. We sat down and started plating our food. “What is this?” I asked, holding up the spoon on what appeared to be a thick white soup. I made a look of disgust as Jake took the spoon from me, dumping it on top of his biscuits. “It’s sausage gravy. Have you never had it?” I shook my head. “Mom never made it.” He chuckled. “Try it. It’s to die for! I never had it till I met Jake and I force him to make it every Sunday now.” Kelly said and I shrugged. If I didn’t like it, I just wouldn’t eat it. No harm in trying it. So, I put a small spoonful on my plate, swiping part of the biscuit through it and taking a bite. “Holy shit.” I moaned. 

“She had the same reaction to the huge burrito last night.” Kelly laughed as I sat up. “I didn’t know men could cook that well!” I said, taking another bite. “I take offense to that.” Jake said, making us all laugh. Once breakfast was over Jake and I went upstairs to get ready. I slipped on a light blue dress with little white daisies on it. It was one of my favorites and in my rush to pack, clothes flying from hangers, I didn’t even realize I put it in the bag. I stepped out of my room, going for the bathroom. “Hey. Here’s that flat iron and the makeup.” Kelly said as she came out of Jake’s room. “Oh, thanks.” I plugged it in, mentally preparing myself for the task that is doing my hair. While I waited on that to heat up, I lined my eyes with the eyeliner and swiped the mascara along my eyes. I blinked a few times, wishing I at least grabbed my contacts before I left. They may give me migraines and headaches but at least I could see properly. I shook the thoughts from my head, pulling most of my hair on top of my head. I started at the bottom sections, dragging the hot plates along my hair. 

“How long until you’re ready?” Jake asked as he walked by, putting his watch on. When he looked at me I saw him glance over my dress before his eyes met mine. “Oh, uh…” I was halfway through my hair at this point. I pulled it all from the bun, parting it. “I’m ready now.” I said. You always make everyone late. That’s why dad was always angry. “Katie, if you’re not ready that’s okay.” I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to make us late.” He chuckled. “We’re not meeting Rooster and Phoenix till ten and nothing opens till then anyway. Besides it’s… only nine ten.” He said as he glanced at his watch. “You can finish getting ready. We have plenty of time. I just wanted to know.” I nodded, pulling my hair back up. “Twenty minutes?” I asked and he nodded with a smile. “You got it.” With that he disappeared and I quickly finished my hair, parting it how I liked. I unplugged the hair tool and rushed back to my room, slipping on the same nude heels as yesterday, seeing as heels were the only thing I owned anymore. I walked downstairs and saw Jake and Kelly on the couch. “Ready!” I called, going and grabbing my purse from by the door. Kelly stood and raised a brow at me. “Heels? Are you really gonna be comfortable walking around in those?” She asked and I looked down at my feet feeling a little ridiculous now. “They’re the only ones I have.” Realization seemed to cross her features and her face fell. “But I’m used to it anyway! It doesn’t hurt anymore!”

Jake opened the door and we walked out, getting into Kelly’s car. I sat in the back while Jake drove. “God I hate this thing.” Jake said, starting the car. “Don’t hate on my car. She’s my baby.” Kelly said and Jake laughed. “We’re getting you a new car.” She scoffed. “I will get myself a new car when I am ready.” She said, crossing her arms over her chest. Jake backed out of the driveway and reached over, taking Kelly’s hand in his, kissing it before resting them on the center console. My eyes glanced out the window, watching the world fly by. Part of me wishes I could have someone who cares for me like that, I’ve wanted that for a while. But after all my dating experiences, I’m starting to wonder if that will ever happen. Every man I’ve ‘dated’ has been rude, self-centered and outright awful. I’ve always questioned if all men are like that, but then I met Bradley and the real Jake, the person he is when he’s not around Coop and I think, ‘maybe not’. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. The thought made my chest ache. No one wants to spend their life alone, but I can’t live with Jake for the rest of my life. What if him and Kelly get married? With the way he looks at her it wouldn’t be a surprise. I can’t live with them if they get married, it would be intruding and I couldn’t do that. I need a job. I need life experience. I have to learn how to be a functioning adult. I can’t expect people to take care of me for the rest of my life.

“Katie!” I jumped, turning and looking at Jake. “You okay?” I nodded, looking around and realized we were parked at the mall. “How long were you saying my name?” I asked. “About thirty seconds.” He replied. “Sorry.” I whispered, stepping out of the small SUV. Kelly took his hand as he stepped around and they walked ahead of me as I followed behind. We walked into the Barnes & Noble, and I glanced around, looking at all the books. I saw many I had been eyeing for a while, ones I knew my parents wouldn’t buy for me. If only I had some money, I would get some. I stopped, seeing a few Colleen Hoover books. I knew she was popular, but I hadn’t looked into any of her books. I picked up one called ‘Verity’ reading the reviews on the back. “Katie!” Jake called and I practically tossed the book down before rushing over. “Sorry!” I said, walking up to the Starbucks line they were in. “What were you looking at?” He asked. “Oh nothing. Just a book.” I said as I waved him off. “Do you read a lot?” Bradley asked as he walked over, coffee in hand. I nodded. “I love reading. We didn’t have tv’s in the house so I spent a lot of time reading. Of course, my parents decided what I could and could not read.” I said and he rolled his eyes. 

The line moved and I realized I was blocking people. “I don’t even know why I’m in this line.” I muttered, stepping out and standing next to Bradley. “Are you not getting coffee?” He asked and I shook my head. “I have no money.” I said blatantly. “What do you want? I got it.” He said, reaching for his wallet. I held my hand up, shaking my head. “Bradley no-” Seriously, I got it.” I huffed, looking at the menu. “I don’t even know what I would get.” I said. “Try this.” He said, holding out his cup. I furrowed my brows but he motioned for me to take it. After a moment, I did. I took a sip and the flavor washed over my tongue. “That’s good. What is that?” I asked. “Iced white mocha. Phoenix got me hooked.” I nodded. “Want one?” I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed. “A small one.” I said and he grinned at me, hauling me into the line. Once we approached the counter he ordered for me. “Can I also get a shot of raspberry in it?” The barista nodded and Bradley grinned at me. I just ignored him, grabbing my coffee at the end. “Any good?” He asked as I took a sip. “Really good. Wanna try it?” I held it up and he raised his brows, taking a sip. “Damn, raspberry in coffee? I never would’ve guessed.” I giggled. “I just thought why not! And I’m glad I did.” We met up with everyone else outside of the store and Natasha pulled me into a hug. “How was last night?” She asked. “Rough. But I made it.” I said as she looped her arm through mine. 

“Okay, so what do you need?” Jake asked. “Um… I really don’t know.” Everything in here was clothing stores and I had clothes. “Well she needs different shoes, I know that.” Kelly spoke up. “You probably need bras.” Natasha said. I shook my head as a blush flooded my cheeks. “No,” I whispered. “I have two.” I said and she laughed. “You’ll need more than that.” She said. “Probably wouldn’t hurt to get some jeans and shirts. Can’t wear dresses everywhere.” Kelly said and I furrowed my brows. “I always have.” I said. “Yeah, but if you get a job you may not want to wear dresses or you may not be allowed.” “Let’s not worry about that now. Let’s just get things you’re comfortable with.” Jake said, laying a hand on Kelly’s shoulder. “Yeah! Now come on!” Natasha said, pulling me with her as Kelly grabbed my other arm. They dragged me into a store called ‘Adore Me’ and Natasha immediately held up a deep blue bra, grinning at me. “Is this not adorable?” She asked and I bit my lip looking back to see Kelly and Jake looking at lingerie and Bradley making his way over. “Um, yeah.” I said and she furrowed her brows. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “I just… I’ve never had anything other than black, white and tan bras.” I said and she nodded, smiling at me. “We are about to change that.” She said. 

“Ma’am? We need her bra size.” Natasha stopped an associate who came over, and measured me. She told me my bra size and we were off. She held up the blue one again and raised a brow. “That’s nice.” Bradley said, grinning at us. “Fine. I’ll try it.”

With that we went around and I grabbed a couple of bras, as well as Natasha. “Ready?” Kelly asked, walking over, her arms full of lingerie and Jake even carrying a few pieces for her. “Yes!” Natasha said excitedly and soon we all got to the dressing rooms. “You two stay here.” Kelly said and Jake pouted. “But-” “Stay!” She commanded and they both took a seat on the small couch. We each got a room next to each other and started trying everything on. The bad thing is, I was in love with all of them. “These all look so good.” I whispered. “Can I get your opinion?” Kelly asked as she stood right outside my door. “Um, yeah. Hang on.” I quickly tossed my dress back on and stepped out. I was a little startled to see her in a black corset, black thong and matching garters. “Think Jake will like it?” She asked, spinning around. “Oh yeah! He’ll love it!” Natasha said excitedly, in a sheer bodysuit of her own. “Katie?” She asked and I cleared my throat, nodding. “It looks good.” Her face fell. “What’s wrong with it?” She asked and I rapidly shook my head. “Nothing! Nothing at all!” I said. “Then why does your face look like there’s something wrong?” She asked. “You just caught me off guard. I’m not used to all this.” I said and realization seemed to cross their faces. “Oh, Katie, we're so sorry. We’re just so comfortable with each other and we didn’t think about it making you uncomfortable.” Natasha said. “Don’t feel bad. It’s okay!” I said and Kelly stopped me. “No it’s not.” 

“Kelly. It’s fine. I’ve just never had anyone to shop with except my mom. I wish I was as comfortable with it as you two are.” They smiled at me. “After spending time with us, you will be.” Kelly said with a wink and we all stepped back inside our respective dressing rooms. I stared at all the bras, finally narrowing it down to two and I was about to step out when there was a knock on my door. I opened it and it was Kelly and Natasha. “Try this on.” I furrowed my brows in confusion at the sheer dress. “It’s a babydoll and g-string set.” Kelly said. “Why?” I asked. “Because sometimes it just makes you feel sexy.” She replied. “It’s not like I have anyone to wear it for.” I said, and Kelly huffed. “Wear it for yourself!” She said, placing the hanger in my hand and pushing me back into the dressing room. She shut the door and I stood still for a moment. Did I make her mad? I looked down at the lingerie in hand and decided I might as well try it on. So I did, and she was right. I did feel sexy, something I’ve never felt before. “So?” She asked from outside. She sounded annoyed and I rushed to get it off. “It fits great.” I said before getting dressed and grabbing everything. I opened the door and Natasha was still standing outside the door. “Where’d she go?” I asked. 

“She went ahead to check out. What’d you think of everything?” I held them all up, my arms full of bras and the one piece of white lingerie. “They were all great, I really love them all! But I managed to narrow it down to two.” I said proudly and she raised a brow at me. “Just two?” I nodded. “Why not all of them?” I shrugged. “Bras are expensive and I don’t want anyone spending too much money on me.” She sighed. “Come on.” She walked away and I stood there. Did I make her mad too? You probably did, you’re good at that. I took a deep breath, holding back the tears that were forming before making my way out. She was talking to Jake who was nodding and listening to her intently. “Find anything good?” Bradley asked, walking up with my coffee. “Uh, yeah.” I said. “You okay?” I furrowed my brows, nodding. “Oh yeah. I’m great.” I said as I sipped on my coffee. Natasha went to pay and Jake came over. “Find what you need?” I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll put the others up real quick.” I went to walk away when Jake got an associate's attention. “She’ll take all of these.” Everything was immediately swept out of my arms and I gawked at him. “Jake! I don’t need all those!” I said and he just smirked, walking away to pay. Bradley walked over to Natasha and Kelly and I stood there. One store in, not even eleven thirty and I already feel overwhelmed. I took a deep breath, steeling my nerves before I walked over to Jake. 

“Here you go.” The associate said, handing me the bag. “Thank you.” Jake said, guiding me over to everyone else. “Where to next?” He asked. “The shoe store.” Kelly said and Jake took her hand as we walked out, Bradley and Natasha behind them and me at the back of everyone. It shouldn’t bother me so much, I’m used to it, but for some reason I felt ignored. We walked into a shoe store and I looked around. It wasn’t anything I had really worn before. I’ve been in heels daily since I was fifteen. I had to wear sneakers in school sometimes but it’s been years since I’ve owned a pair of flat shoes. “See anything you like?” Kelly asked, coming over. “Oh uh… to be honest I don’t know where to start.” She hummed. “Well, a good pair of sneakers is a good place to start.” I nodded and she pulled down a light gray pair. “These are cute, and it’s a good brand.” She handed it to me and I saw it said ‘Brooks’ on the side. “Yeah.” I said and she looked through the boxes. “What size are you?” She asked. “Um, these shoes are a nine.” She nodded, grabbing an eight and a half. “Try these and we’ll go down in size if we have to.” I nodded, taking the box and going to sit before stopping. “Hey, Kelly?” She hummed, walking over. “Did…” I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her answer. “Did I make you mad in the last store?” She raised a brow at me. “No, why would you think that?” She asked. “You just sounded annoyed when you handed me that lingerie set.” 

“Oh, no! No! I wasn’t mad. My mom sent me some ridiculous text and then started blowing up my phone. She tends to do that.” I nodded, relief washing over me. “Okay, good. I thought I pissed you off and I felt really bad so I just wanted to ask.” She smiled at me. “You’re good! Oh, there’s some cute sandals over here! I’ll grab you a pair.” She said before running off. I grinned and tried on the shoes, feeling a little better. As the day wore on I had more and more fun, eventually the boys walked behind us as we walked arm in arm with each other. Kelly glanced behind us before turning back. “Ooh! Bath and Body Works!” She yelled before dragging me in. “But I don’t need anything from here!” I said and she scoffed. “You can always use cheap perfume. It smells good and it means that you aren’t wasting your expensive perfume.” I chuckled. “I don’t have any expensive perfume. At least, not anymore.” I said as she started making me small things. Soon we left with a few perfumes and even a few candles that Natasha swore I needed. As we walked I saw a hair salon and slowed down, looking inside. A few women were getting their hair dried and styled and a few were getting up after having their hair done. “Wanna cut your hair?” Natasha asked, walking over. I touched my own hair, playing with the ends. “I don’t know. I’ve always had long hair ever since I can remember.” She nodded. “How about a trim then? You seem to have a lot of split ends and it’ll make you feel better.” 

“Okay.” I said, smiling at her. “Come on.” She dragged me in, Kelly and Bradley following. “How can I help you?” The girl asked. I opened my mouth to answer but stopped, getting nervous. “She needs a trim.” Natasha said and the girl nodded. After a moment she took me back as Bradley took my bags. She talked to me as she washed my hair and then she sat me down. “Just a trim?” She asked and I nodded. “Yes, please.” I whispered. With that she got to work. I calmed myself as she cut my split ends, reminding myself there will be next to no change in the length. “That good?” She asked once she finished. Long hair is what makes you a woman. My mother’s voice echoed in my brain. “Actually, can we cut some of it off?” I asked. “You sure?” She asked and I nodded. “Positive. Maybe the middle of my back?” She agreed and got to work as Natasha, Kelly, and Bradley walked over. “You’re cutting it?” Bradley asked and I hummed. “Decided since my life was changing so drastically, my hair should too.” Once she was done she asked again and excitement ran through me. “I’m sorry. Can we cut more? Maybe to my shoulders?” 

“That’s a big change, Katie.” Kelly said and I nodded. “I know. Ooh, maybe some curtain bangs?” I was asked if I was sure a few times but I insisted. “It’s hair. If I want it long again, it’ll grow back.” I said and she got to work. The weight was so different once she finished and now I was nervous, but once she blow dried and straightened it, I fell in love. “So this is what it’s like to not have your neck weighed down by your hair?” I asked, stretching my neck out and they laughed. “It looks great.” Kelly said. Natasha went up to pay, and I made a mental note to pay her back. As we walked out, Jake rounded the corner. “Where have you been?” I asked, walking over to him. He looked up from the box in his hand and stopped, stumbling back slightly. “Holy shit.” He muttered and my heart rate picked up. “Is it bad? Everyone else said it looked good but-” “No. No you look beautiful I just-” He cleared his throat. “Here,” He said, holding out the box. “I got you this.” He said and I looked down. “No. Take it back.” I said, shoving the box back towards him. “Katie-” “I told you no last night, Jake. Now take it back.” I demanded and he chuckled. “Nope. It’s yours one way or another.” He said, dropping it into one of my bags. “No, Jake! An iPhone is too expensive!” I said, taking it out and placing it back in his hand. “Katie. You need a phone. I got this for you, it’s a gift, now take it.” He said, grabbing my hand and placing the box in it. We stared each other down for a few minutes before I gave in. “Fine. But this is it. We’re done shopping for the day.” I said and he nodded. “You have everything you need so I can agree to that.” I nodded, placing the box in one of my bags. “This was free with it.” He said as he tossed a slim, longer box into the bag as well. “What?” I pulled it out as he walked past me, seeing it was a gold series 8 apple watch. “JACOB SERESIN!” I yelled, storming after him. 

Once Jake and Bradley calmed me down, we went out for an early dinner. “Are you sure?” I asked, staring at the sushi in front of me. “It’s a dragon roll. I promise it’s good.” Bradley said, holding the sushi up to my face. I’m usually down to try anything but this was a little intimidating. “Come on.” He pushed and I just decided to go for it. I took the sushi roll from his chopsticks and was very surprised by it. “Holy shit.” Jake laughed. “Is that what you’re gonna say anytime you try new foods?” I immediately nodded. “That is good! Can I get one?” I asked and Bradley nodded, getting our waiters attention. The rest of dinner flew by and eventually we all parted ways. Once Jake, Kelly and I got home I unloaded all my bags and slipped my shoes off, the feeling returning in them as I did so. I put all my clothes away in the closet and dresser drawers, even unloading my suitcase and duffel bag. I made the bed since I didn’t this morning. Crawling into a messy bed stresses me out and I can’t sleep for some reason. I made my way downstairs, but stopped as I caught sight of Jake and Kelly in a heated make out session. I blushed, rushing back upstairs and into the bathroom. I decided to kill time and take off my makeup and wash my face, using the skincare Jake bought for me earlier. 

Once I was done I looked at my hair again, realizing how freeing it was to have it all gone. “Katie!” Kelly yelled up the stairs and I came out. “Yeah?” I asked as I walked down into the living room. “I’m leaving. Just wanted to say bye.” She said, tossing her arms around my shoulders. I hugged her back as she squeezed me. “Thank you.” I whispered and she pulled back. “I had fun today. We are so doing that again.” She said before making her way back to Jake. “Let me get a job first.” I said and she laughed before kissing him quickly and  waving as she walked out the door. “Why don’t you go grab your phone and we’ll set it up and I’ll get everyone’s numbers in it.” I nodded, bounding up the stairs and grabbing the phone before coming back down. I sat next to him on the couch, pulling it out of the box and turning it on. We spent some time setting it up to how I like. After that we sat on the couch as Jake turned on a movie. “I’m gonna start looking for jobs tomorrow.” I said and he looked at me. “Really?” He asked and I nodded. “I’ll pay you back Jake, I swear. I’ll even pay you rent once I start having regular income.” I said and he laughed. “You sure?” He asked and I furrowed my brows. “Do you think I can’t do it?” I sa tup, glaring at him. “Wouldn’t you rather go to nursing school?” I reeled back at the question. “What?” 

“Oh, come on Katie. You’re free from your parents and you can do what you want! Why don’t you go to nursing school like you said you wanted?” He asked. “I can’t afford that.” I said. “Look, you can take out student loans. I know it’s not ideal, and you’ll have to pay them back but you can stay here while you go. Free rent, free food. You just keep your stuff clean and help me around the house, I don’t see why you can’t go.” I was caught off guard by his words. “I would need my dad’s approval for the loans and-” “What?” He asked, confused. “Yeah, my dad always said I would need his signature for any loans and he refused so I could never get one for school. That’s why he always bitched about paying.” He scoffed, anger taking over his features. “Your parents are real pieces of… work, you know that?” I laughed. “Pieces of shit. You can say it, Jake.” He chuckled. “Good to know. But you don’t need anyone's approval for the loans. Not even your dad’s.” My face fell and my chest ached. “So I don’t need his signature for glasses either?” His face fell like mine. “Fuck. I knew there was something else we needed to do.” He said as he leaned his head back on the couch. “No, you don’t and tomorrow afternoon we’ll work on finding you an eye doctor. I don’t want to take you to your usual one, they may rat you out to your parents.” I nodded, never thinking about the fact that someone off base could tell my parents who I was with. 

“Okay. But can I think about the school thing? That’s a big decision.” He nodded, smiling at me. “Of course. So, what movie you wanna watch?” He asked and I shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen many movies.” He scoffed. “We will change that.” He said before cutting on some comedy. We watched two movies before bed that night and I slept a little better. I woke up twice from nightmares but I didn’t scream. I woke up around five a.m. when I heard Jake’s shower cut off. I laid there as he walked by, but I couldn’t go back to sleep so I decided to get up. I walked downstairs, rubbing my eyes in hopes my vision would clear up. “Why are you awake?” He asked and I shrugged, noticing he was in his flight suit. “Can’t go back to sleep.” I replied and he chuckled. “Well I’m about to leave. You can text me whenever today, if I’m in the air I obviously won’t respond. Help yourself to any food or drinks in the fridge, help yourself to anything really.” He said as he walked by me. “Rent a few movies if you want, I don't care. I should be home around four.” He said as he walked to the door and I followed him. “Just relax today and we’ll try to find you an eye doctor when I get home.” I nodded as he grabbed his duffel bag. “Have a nice day.” I said and he kissed my head before he walked out the door. “Bye darlin'.” I was caught off guard by his actions and stood in the entry way for a second. Once my body caught up with my thoughts I made sure the door was locked before going over to the couch. I sat down, pulling my legs into my chest. I realized how quiet it was when I was alone, and I didn’t like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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#undiagnosed #top gun maverick #jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #jake seresin top gun #jake seresin x oc #jake seresin x neurodivergent oc #ADHD oc #hangman seresin #hangman #hangman fanfiction #top gun hangman

[aho-dapa]

A personal rant on Nesta and Elain’s relationship and how I feel about it

TW: tbh this is a very personal rant for me given that my perspective on life informs how I see these characters (mostly Elain) neglect, abuse, parentification, fucked up family dynamics basically

For framework of this post, I'm anti sjm, anti IC, and pro character nuance even when it comes to the IC

Yknow, reading ACOSF was actually so difficult as someone who really wanted to see more nuance in Nesta and Elain’s relationship

I hate that Feyre actually used Elain’s packing of Nesta’s old home behind her back as a weapon against her, that it reinforced Nesta’s isolation

I hate that we never really understand what happened between Elain and Nesta before this moment, just that somehow someway Nesta was at fault and Elain was ‘justly’ hurt by Nesta, I hate that we, as readers, never even get the possibility to decide for ourselves

I hate that when they do finally talk to each other it’s this:

Elain: “I know the circumstances got your coming here were awful, Nesta, but it doesn’t mean you need to be so miserable about it.” (In reference to Nesta literally being confined to the House of Wind after getting evicted unjustly by the IC, in which Elain was willingly used against Nesta)

Nesta: “You tell yourself there’s nothing that could have been done because it’s unbearable to think that you could have saved him, if you’d only deigned to show up a few minutes earlier.” (In reference to Elain not being able to save her father and implicitly shaming her for it, noted, this is also a response to the above which matters)

Like, the fuck??

Where was the build up to this moment? Where was the reason?

For one, it’s so gross of Elain to invalidate what Nesta is going through, and is also gross of Nesta to place that blame on Elain

It’s just fucking gross all around

And I would have been okay with it, if it was fucking resolved by the end of that huge ass book, but it’s not

They don’t even talk about it, just a small joke and a truce at that ball, and they don’t even talk about the actual painful shit they said to each other

A personal note on this topic:

I’m gonna be honest, I like Elain (to some extent) even though we don’t know too much about her. All I know are these things, she’s someone who was taken care of from a young age, and relied on Nesta and Feyre basically like how a dependent would.

And tbh, out of all the sisters, despite relating to all of them in some way, I feel like what Elain’s going through is connected to my life more personally despite it not being written from her pov. Elain has all the typical signs of a golden child. Loved and cared for and seen as a the best child but also infantilized. She’s so fucking infantilized at every fucking turn.

(TW: A personal note about abuse and neglect) I had the strange dynamic of being both the scapegoat and the golden child to my mother, whenever it suited her, I was shown off like a trophy to my extended family but also was treated like the poison that was causing my parents’ marriage to fail.

As someone who grew up disabled, not able to walk, I also relate to that depression Papa Archeron inevitably has, despite whatever we want to say about canon and neglect

Elain likely took care of him, while both Feyre and Nesta took care of her

Tbh, the sisters’ dynamic is messy and complicated, and I’m not gonna trust sjm to write it well at all

But growing up as a disabled person, not being able to make choices for myself in my own care, I can understand where Elain is coming from

From the beginning by Feyre, Elain is casted in the light of childlike ignorance and while not entirely blamed for it, is also never confronted about it. Elain is doesn’t know that she’s not doing enough for Feyre and this likely forms resentment with Feyre later on. That’s understandable.

As a kid, I grew up stable enough to have what I wanted and then had to live through poverty when we lost our house. The transition in mindset is one I wasn’t one I immediately took to. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out to eat, no one ever sat down to explain our money situation, and even though we were definitely going through it, it was expected of me to understand that we couldn’t do certain things

So I would innocently ask for things out of our budget and ask for expensive food without realizing, and would get blamed for the guilt my mother felt for not being able to provide for me as she wanted to. I learned to never ask for what I wanted, and it’s still something I'm learning to deal with whenever I buy something or need help

I mention this all to say that Elain does similar things in the first acotar book. She asks for something out of the budget and she asks for things without malice, merely because she wants something and thinks Feyre can give it to her

Feyre never says that they can't afford it or that she needs to buy new boots for herself, she doesn't explain this to Elain and Elain is never given the chance to say, "Oh, I didn't realize."

She's not allowed a moment of growth, she's stagnated in her childlike responses to things both because of the narrative sjm wanted to tell and because of Elain's dynamic with her family.

I don't even think Elain understands money and how it works (neither does sjm but that's a different point). It's possible she sees the deer, the fur, something new and something that they could sell in the market for, and thinks they might have enough for something she wants

It's a mistake I made so commonly in my childhood, that Feyre's resentment actually breaks my heart

That's what makes Nesta's protectiveness over Elain feel both like care and shackles

(Something sjm tried to address but did so fucking poorly, like usual)

Later on, when their wealth is restored, Elain goes back to the familiar easily, likely because she never truly got to have the mental transition both Nesta and Feyre had (and her father was actively hoping for this to happen so he was likely excited about this as much as Elain)

I also want to point out want happened in ACOSF between Elain and Nesta. I mentioned in another post the Elain likely (mostly her unconscious inner child) sees Nesta as a mother figure. That Nesta likely was the one that took care of Elain when they were younger more than her mother. Nesta likely gave Elain the kindness of her mother, the attention of her father, and Feyre was too young at this point

So I think it's understandable why she's lashing out in ACOSF to Nesta, because it's that realization that the person who's been taking care of you your whole life, the one who you can go to and lean on and not be judged by, can no longer take care of you

To some extent, Elain realizing Nesta is going through hell, she has to face losing another parental figure and her first reaction is likely to cling onto that relationship even though it's unhealthy for both of them

Its like a child asking why their parent can't take of them, isn't that their job?? Except Nesta isn't Elain's mother and never should have been put in that position

Elain reacts in indignation and anger and hurt because that's what a child does, and Elain is going through this now because she's never had the chance to before, now she's being forced to

She has to grow up and she's petulantly digging her heels in

On the note of ACOSF, in the scene where she and Nesta talk (where I pulled those quotes from the beginning from), Nesta is not in the right head space at all to deal with Elain and what she's going through

Nesta is just point blank not able to do it. Mentally, she already feels like someone undeserving of love and is a horrible person. She's deteriorating and Elain just comes up and acts like she's not dying inside.

(Fuck sjm btw for doing this to Nesta)

In fact, Elain can see that Nesta is miserable but says she should basically be handling it with more grace. Which, is fucked, but it is something that is commonly told to literally anyone going through shit and by people not willing to be sympathetic to that

(It could almost be internalized misogyny because women are expected to deal with things gracefully or 'in a manner befitting a lady' but that's another discussion for another day)

What I want to point out in this discussion is how Nesta interacts with Elain because we honestly can't for sure know Elain's POV (despite this whole post projecting on her because sjm doesn’t give us enough for me to satisfactorily understand the character she’s writing after nearly FIVE books but whatever. Skill issue I guess)

A note on how they view each other and how they talk about each other in ACOSF:

This is honestly like?? Just a thing, but the implication is that Elain is pampered here, she wouldn't do this or that. It's framed as a bad thing, especially since at this point the stairs are representative of Nesta’s freedom being held hostage and Elain just gets to come and leave without consequence.

From Nesta's POV:

Someone had brought Elain here, since there was no way in hell she had climbed those ten thousand steps.

She stopped a few feet away. As if holding herself back from the embrace she might have given.

Like Nesta was some sort of disease-ridden leper.

Like, again, this comes from a distorted view Nesta has of herself, not helped by the IC at all. It's likely that Elain just know how to bridge the gap between them that has formed.

Elain had been the ghost then, too thin, with her thoughts turned inward.

Somehow Nesta had become the ghost.

Worse than a ghost. A wraith, whose rage and hunger were bottomless, eternal.

Elain had only needed time to adjust. But Nesta knew she herself needed more than that.

It was always that way between them: Elain, sweet and oblivious, and Nesta, the snarling wolf at her side, poised to shred anyone who threatened her.

In ACOSF, Nesta and Elain have switched places from ACOMAF when Elain was honestly going through it. Regardless, both of their mental states have been used to gain high ground with each other in this fandom and I'm like, not going to do that, that's not the point.

Rather this comes back to my previous point. Nesta has had to take care of Elain, likely as a mother would. It's the resulting parentification Nesta has endured.

This is also... Like yes, needing more or less time to adjust in general, especially to a traumatic situation, is morally neutral. What makes me pause of the self woe is me of Nesta saying she's worse than Elain in nearly every way. This is a result of her mental state. But it's also not helpful to either herself OR Elain. This instead puts Elain on a pedestal, in her own box.

WHICH IS INTERESTING BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE: going hc now but, with how Nesta was groomed by her own mother, it wouldn't surprise me if Nesta also 'parents' in this way towards Elain. Except Elain gets to be everything Nesta didn't get to be in the eyes of her mother; perfect, beautiful, gentle, demure, a lady. Elain, to Nesta, deals with her own grief more respectably than Nesta, which is likely an external expectation placed on her from a young age.

There is also the idea that Nesta has more patience and gentleness with others than herself.

Elain had accepted his death as inevitable. She hadn't bothered to fight for him, as if he hadn't been worth the effort, precisely as Nesta herself knew she herself wasn't worth the effort.

Another comparison Nesta makes between herself and Elain. Except there's also this element of protection to it. Often, Nesta is willing to be that 'wolf' to protect Elain, the innocent and oblivious. But again, this also places expectations on Elain, that box her in.

"...Go back to Feyre and your little garden."

Again, with how Nesta essentially views Elain's grieving process. But instead, I'd say this comes across more as a twisted mess of Nesta's own unresolved feelings towards her father and also equating herself as him. He was their father, and in many ways Nesta played that role for Elain. When she hates her father, I suppose in some ways, she is also hating herself in this moment.

The unsaid said here is also Nesta's survivor's guilt. I think it's not far fetched to say that (presumably) just like Elain, she wanted to save her father and she wanted to 'be early' to help him.

"She's not getting any better. She's not even trying."

This is also likely Nesta acknowledging that they've split. In ACOTAR through ACOWAR, it has always been Nesta and Elain, Elain and Nesta. But in ACOSF, Nesta feels betrayed by Elain because of Feyre's actions. People hate the IC and Rhysand for Nesta's imprisonment, but this is also a product of Feyre using her authority and deciding Nesta's bodily autonomy with her own 'goodwill' in mind.

And Elain famously has always had a little garden. But it's also an isolation from hurt and pain, it's a place of comfort, and it's always been a place where Elain belongs. This time, Nesta is saying that Elain belongs there (despite whatever Elaim could want).

This could also reflect Nesta’s bitterness about being trapped.

Nesta shot to her feet. "No."

Now, this is what Elain says about Nesta. Which tbh, is understandable for her POV. This is after Nesta says those quoted words to her. But this is also ultimately a result of no one acknowledging the pain and honestly disgusting thing they've done to Nesta. Elain expects that Nesta will get better in an environment that's actively worsening her mental state. The reasons why Nesta does 'get better' is always connected to something outside of the House of Wind with Gwyn and Emerie. The library, despite being close, is not the same as the HoW, so it makes sense that Nesta would go there to escape.

Elain remained in the doorway, her face pale but her expression harder than Nesta had ever seen it. "You do not decide what I can and cannot do, Nesta."

... "You will not go looking for it."

I think this is honestly this crux of their dynamic. Nesta is the 'mother' and Elain is the 'child' despite them actually being sisters. Nesta tells Elain what to do, as a parent would would their 'power' over a child. Except Elain is rejecting this.

This is... a dynamic that is honestly just done a major disservice by sjm. Neither of them acknowledge anything in a meaningful manner and none of them resolve anything at all. ACOSF establishes dynamic poorly and does an even poor job of doing honestly anything about it. Nesta instead is beat down so much that she just breaks down and accepts it. And Elain doesn't grow in any way either. Instead, because sjm and her characters do not actually acknowledge the reality of the conflicts they have, Elain just comes off as more childish and spoiled, which is like, also horrible for her character. A clown show is what this whole series is.

#anti sjm #elain archeron #nesta archeron #pro elain #pro nesta #pro elain archeron #pro nesta archeron #papa archeron

[whatbigotspost]

On being real mean and then less mean

Long post incoming........I've been chipping away at writing this for like a month now and (unlike my usual self) I've stalled out a few times unsure of what all I want to say. But I think I've got it squared up the way I would like to. Unfortunately, I need a long context laying preamble. Sorry this will feel like an online recipe experience 😅

As the 5 of you who usually read my blocks of text will know well, I grew up in a very toxic, abusive, high-control environment. If you wanted to intentionally produce kids who would have anxiety, shame, self-loathing, aggression, be overly-competitive, angry, and equipped with little-to-no social skills, you should be parented like I was. In my nuclear family, we couldn't have had worse life lessons or role modeling when it comes to building healthy relationships, strong friendships, and harmonious existence with others. Violence was often normalized. Manipulation was encouraged. Specific conditions and rules were put on receiving love and/or affection. We weren't seen as independent humans who had their own lives and thoughts and ambitions--we were seen as extensions of my father, brought into the world to be his unquestioning cheerleaders and adoring team, to do our best to become his clones, to live out his unrealized dreams, and to combat his grievances w/ the world.

In short, it sucked.

Above all, I was taught in a very deep and real way to hate myself, not that this was explicitly acknowledged mind you, but it was the implication of everything. This self loathing was an extension of my father's own insecurities and full inability to grow the fuck up and build a life for himself that was emotionally mature, resilience, and self-caring. This mentality, if truly internalized, creates ugliness from the inside that radiates outward. I can see that so clearly now, but back then, I didn't understand it at all.

I was implicitly taught a thought process like, "the best way to 'own' someone is to shit talk them into crying" or "you can make yourself look stronger and distract from your own shortcomings by staying 1 step ahead of everyone through making THEM feel like shit about their shortcomings."

But you weren't just mean to someone to stay ahead of them, you were also mean as a way to ingratiate others to you. "Telling it like it is" even if what you said was unnecessarily cruel, was a virtue. Like, "what? I'm just saying what we're all thinking!" kind of stuff. I was taught that "teasing" is a way you show someone you love them, where "teasing" means saying all kinds of awful things that are quite hurtful. I was taught that being funny was one of the most important qualities and it didn't matter if those laughs came at the expense of others' feelings and if, over time, your comments began to destroy those around you.

It's "just teasing." It's "just joking." It was a lot of "oh come, on grow a thicker skin" over "maybe saying cruel shit for fun is bad?" It was "God, I can dish it and I can take it, why can't you?" over "maybe I want friends who support one another instead of digging at our insecurities."

Some recent nostalgia I've been wallowing in this summer reminded me of my grossest self who lived by these rules.

Those worst moments, where I was a bully and an asshole, all occurred for me at school, when I was probably around 11/12 and older. School was a very interesting place for me. When I try to paint an efficient picture of what my childhood home was like for others, I often say, my family existed in a weird liminal someplace between mainstream, mid western white suburban society and a survivalist/separatist/cult/fringe culture (like Tara Westover describes in Educated or as seen in Captain Fantastic if you're familiar w/ either of those.) We were a cult of 4 and there were many things We Did Not Do, all my dad's rules. (My grandparent's house was a safe harbor unlike my home, but that's a tangent for another time.) That said, accessing education was something my father DID trust the local government to do (as long as he could emphasize over and over how we can't trust everything they say, we could trust their lessons of math, music, English, etc.) He strategically chose a place to live where I could get the best "free" education possible in Central Indiana. My social life existed fully in a traditional school setting, where it took me all of 2 seconds to clock that other kids' lives weren't like mine, and that was compelling to me. I became a lifelong student of interpersonal relationship dynamics far before I realized I had become a lifelong student of relationships. I remember when I was in elementary school journaling about and thinking about and talking about all the friend groups and dynamics, etc. Writing stories about friend groups. Creating Barbie universes and dramas with 2 neighborhood friends. Trying to spend more and more time w/ peers instead of family.

Beyond that, I loved school because I would receive praise and love at home for A's and praise and love from my teachers for being "so good" (aka offering 100% deference to adult authority as I been told to do, even if I could question them inside.) This all means when I was very young, I did SO WELL at figuring out school...how to make friends...how to get an A+...how to get teachers to love me...how to be The Good Kid...how to reduce my value to my grades and what I produced, which is a mentality I've still only begun to unweave from within me, some 30 years later.

Anyway, point is, despite the hand I was dealt, I somehow never had trouble making friends and with a lot of my closest friends, I wasn't all that mean to in the way I describe above, at least initially. But when I did apply that behavior, god damn was it ugly. I get that now, but back then, I felt cool as fuck.

The more it (temporarily worked for me) the more I used meanness. By the time I was like 17, I literally was known as mean and wore it as a badge of honor. Lacking emotional intelligence and an overtly loving home environment, I thought it was normal? cool? idk...to "not be able to handle mushy emotional stuff." I would (LITERALLY) run if friends were telling me they loved me. It became more and more common for me to apply, "witty mean girl" quips to even my closest friends. Stuff was said about me like, "oh, if she makes fun of you, it means she really loves you." I was always saying shit to gain laughs from others that really hurt some people and I would act like that was a THEM thing like "god, they're so sensitive, poor widdle baby."

NOT GOOD. Nothing to be proud of. Signs of someone who deep down hates themselves and hopes you don't notice because of a big, bad exterior. In this era, I was someone who attracted and accepted other toxic people and was abusive toward and accepted abuse from friends who had these same issues. How I met and fell in love w/ my partner who is not at all like this during that period of time back when sometimes confounds me. His boundaries and feelings are why I started really looking inward. His patience and willingness to understand what was going on for me was immense (as I was similarly patient for things related to his baggage.) FOR YEARS we had a dynamic where I'd "make fun of" "tease" "just joke" about him too harshly in front of others and he would ask me over and over to stop. I'd get better for a while, then I'd backslide and make him feel like shit in a group setting again--but hey! everyone laughed at my ~*~*just oh so hilarious comment*~*~ and so that makes it fine right?? Obviously, not, and the older I got the more I started to FINALLY see "mean" as mean and not "telling it like it is" or being a core part of my humor.

How I REALLY know that this toxic coping mechanism I used to my benefit was a thinly veiled defense mechanism style behavior to cloud my deep deep deep self loathing is because when I'd be talking w/ my partner about his very reasonable and normal request that I not say unnecessarily cruel things about him for fun in front of others, I would be afraid of things like, "But that's part of who I am? It's my humor."

I really thought so lowly of myself that I believed that if I wasn't witty-mean, people wouldn't love me. That I wouldn't still be funny. That I wouldn't be ME unless I was being MEAN. It was so backwards and upside down because my meanness did make me harder to be around, and people were right there loving me anyway, not because of it, but despite it.

It's so sad to realize this! Looking back and describing this girl now feels in both parts foreign to me and also like looking in a mirror. I've been in 20 years of some form or another of "recovery" from this kind of childhood now, and I'm about 15 years into true healing and re-parenting myself. Almost 14 years ago, I made the biggest shift toward killing this old mentality...I moved away from my home town and the people I spent my days around to that point. I had an opportunity for a hard reset in my social life and behaviors, leaving behind old reputations that didn't serve me. And I’m still me. I’m spicy and I’m real and I’m blunt and I’m funny but I’m not cruel or mean anymore. The old me sometimes still rears her ugly head, especially when I'm tired, stress, or dysregulated. But it's less "how I am" now than ever in my life.

As I've been thinking about this whole topic for quite a few weeks now, and I tried to articulate what I did that really changed me and allowed me to shed that mean girl shell of armor I was wearing that I had so thoroughly needed to outgrow. If these things resonate with you, I do have some pieces of advice.

Speak from your personal values 100% of the time. That means defining your personal values first, not just accepting what you think is valuable you've been told by others. Once I grew the maturity to understand I needed my own life values, it was very simple to grasp that I was not in line with them. My top 5 personal life values are: love, equity, humor, loyalty, and open communication. Mean jokes don't check many of those boxes.

Become your own best friend first. My behaviors were driven by self-hatred I did not choose. When I choose how I want to feel about myself, I choose self-compassion, and I actively cultivate this mentality and practice all. the. time so that I don't backslide.

Stop "telling it like it is." This is not helpful. No one needs something obvious and cruel pointed out. This is basic "THINK" acronym stuff. It's a classic because it works. Is what you're about to say.... "true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind." Telling it like it is is only TRUE, it's rarely -HINK.

Never "just joke" about something someone could possibly be vulnerable about. If someone has a physical wound, you don't jab your finger into it for fun. When someone has an emotional tenderness, you similarly don't jab a mean comment into it. When in doubt, just don't joke about it.

Have actual hard conversations and "call outs" in the right times/spaces. Sometimes behavior that one friend may call "mean" is actually a very necessary hard conversation to the other person. So it's helpful to just remember that those kind of real-deal communications are rarely done effectively or productively with an audience or by using humor. Real shit deserves a real shit tone.

Push yourself to say the nicest stuff and just be fucking sincere and genuine. Tell your friends you love them. Tell your friends when you are obsessed with what they are achieving/doing/saying. Tell your friends WHAT you love about them. Make an effort for your most important relationships to have far, far more "positive bids" than negative.

Use "teasing" or "self deprecating" humor selectively and strategically. Sometimes, my partner and I DO tease each other by having open communication and actually knowing one another's boundaries, I now understand what's fine and what's not. So I can proceed w/o hurting him. But I don't know most people to that level, so I'm not going to try to tease someone else in front of others w/o that knowledge anymore. Self deprecating humor has also been a go-to for me in the past and one of the people I could be meanest to was myself. I realized I should use it sparingly with people who I don't know well, too, because I don't necessarily need to give them a cheat sheet to what my baggage is. And lastly, in general, I think that we should ALL be very very careful to spare strangers our sarcasm, deadpan comments, or whatever. Many folks are neurodiverse or otherwise don't get your sarcasm and your implications can be lost in translation. You never know what topics, with strangers, might be a hornet's nest you stumble into.

PFEW! Ok, I think that's plenty for now! If you've got similar tips or thoughts, LMK! Of course, I still fuck up my practice of not being mean all the time, but the best thing about having done this work and shared it with those around me is that my friends are much more like to say something like, "OW! Was that your dad talking for a sec?" and help me than to just go on assuming I'm an asshole. 😆

#healthy relationships #abuse #interpersonal relationships #toxic relationships #child abuse #self compassion #healing #reparenting #resources #advice

[catgirlforeskin]

This may border on victimblaming, but most of stories about how someone was "groomed" online that I saw (I didn't research it, mind you, just what crossed my dashboard) read to me as "I am a total dumbass who doesn't have common sense and I am going to blame everyone for this".

Like older* guy on forum who talks about how you being offline makes him want to kill himself is not a good man, and neither are any other kinds of "online groomers", but literally nothing about technology makes them more dangerous.

(*Assuming that he is in fact older, I also was "in my early 30s" online since I was 12, but that's not that important because him living who the fuck knows where makes any actual power imbalance irrelevant, and teenagers are very much capable of being cruel and manipulative).

In fact, online interactions are way safer for kids because they fucking can close the tab and forget about everything that happened. Restrictions on children's access to internet doesn't help them. I am not even going to talk about how abusive families can be - outside of home is also not that safe, and people actually may have power over you. In my high school there were rumours about certain teachers sleeping with certain students. I don't know were they true, but I myself was present when one of our teachers went on a discussion about how it's better for schoolgirls to date college students and graduates to "get better experience". People who live close to you may be very gross and bigoted, in fact there is someone close to you and bigoted. Slightly older people can tell about absolutely awful culture of teen neighborhood groups (idk if there was something like that in USA but that's when people of one urban neighborhood hang out together purely because they live close by).

Mind you, I grew up on my local equivalent of 4chan, and while I don't think that it was good for me, the grossest experiences I had were all IRL. Yes, some of those anons may be totally inhuman, but I didn't have to listen to their bullshit, while IRL I had not only to listen but to politely agree, or the middle aged man with ego of a toddler and the middle aged woman who believes in every conspiracy on Earth and the teenage boy who thinks that he is the protagonist of life will be offended, and I am a good kid so I shouldn't make them sad :(

P.S.: Anecdotally, "normie" online places felt way grosser than imageboards. Part of it may be because it was before Trump ruined online everywhere, part of it that those "normie" online places were not as normal as they liked to pretend, but I think that the correct answer is that 4chan is not some malicious entity that corrupts our world, not even really marginal group - it's just content of middle class cranium without flattering makeup of civility. Still, don't go there

P.P.S.: I focused on school because the discourse was about kids, but like, you realise that adult abuse on workplace and such can be way worse and actually endanger your life in the way online never can, right?

Yeah, definitely, it’s an extension of the “stranger danger” model of abuse instead of the reality where most abuse comes from people you know that have power over you, whether it be in a family, school, or work setting. I was constantly told not to talk to strangers online because they’re dangerous by a family member who was literally abusing me lol.

There is harm that can be done by having unfettered internet access as a kid, but until the astronomically greater harm of kids having no rights in the face of parental dominion is addressed, I don’t think parents having more rights to control their children is a good idea

#asks

[fem-blade-adept]

Nimona illuminates the final part of my entire gender crisis and not only what led up to who I am but the truth of who I am and who I know myself to be.

I use she/her, they/them, and any and all pronouns.

I grew up knowing I was different like most trans people. I could never explain it because I never had the words. That inability to understand what any of my confused and festering feelings meant.

I grew up alone. I had family, but they were so invested in turning me into the ideal man that they refused to meet me at my level.

As I entered school, friends didn’t last very long. My longest friendship was 4 months until I entered college. I still don’t talk to anyone from high school because no one cared to invest their time into me. So I stayed lonely.

It had been long past the time I’d discovered it was a gender issue. At 12, I discovered that being a guy at all was distasteful to me. Acting masculine felt like I was pouring acid on my skin while being told to not act feminine was, fittingly, like stifling tears. You know they want to come out and they will eventually and you can’t stop it no matter how hard people tell you not to, but you bottle it anyways because people won’t like you if you cry.

That bottling.

That shoving down all of those trans emotions.

They don’t go away.

And when you also live in Utah, the state of the high and mighty. The self-righteous. And you hear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For 21 years. “Being gay is a sin.” “Being trans won’t get you to heaven.” Hearing the scoffs of disapproval at a guy acting feminine. Seeing the bullying. Witnessing the abuse and control your parents carve into you by saying things like “stop acting like that” or “walk it off” or “you do what we tell you because you live in our house.”

They wait. And they bubble.

It’s like a volcano. Pressure builds. For 10 years, it builds. And that volcano does release steam every once in a while. But it sits. And waits. Until it can’t anymore. And then…

People used to think volcanos were monstrous creatures that sat beneath the earth. It’s not true for real volcanos. It’s true for people.

It hit in high school. All of that pent up frustration. All of that anger and rage and sorrow. Just slowly releases for 5 years. And the wild thing is that it just. Kept. Going. I hit 22-23 and I was still ripping my own world to shreds. Friendships, family relationships, a marriage. All torn into tatters.

And it wasn’t just the undiagnosed ADHD. It was a person who kept forcing herself to fit into the boxes and the roles and the expectations of a girl who was trying to fit the mold of a lie. A false ideal. A belief that someone else had shackled her with.

And when she broke those shackles, she saw how people saw her.

As a monstrosity. An abomination. A creature. A demon. A nameless entity that people refused to care about or accept.

That monstrosity tried to kill herself 3 times over that span of 7-ish years, almost adding another tally to Utah’s record of being the state with the most suicides. Because like Nimona said…

"I don't know what's scarier. The fact that everyone in this kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart... or that sometimes, I just wanna let them."

I’m much better now. After my marriage fell apart, I got into therapy. I got my ADHD diagnosis and I’m working towards getting an anxiety diagnosis and maybe a few other things that are screaming inside the cage that is my brain.

I’m still not good at making friends. Between the neurodivergence and the transgender pride that I carry and wear out in the open, not a lot of people want to hitch their cart to a fluidflux creature like me.

I don’t bottle my feelings anymore. I also don’t take shit from the people that continue to view my existence as a threat or treat me like a villain, an abomination, and a curse. Because as we all know, people fear what they don’t understand. And even when what they don’t understand is me, a “monster”, they try to kill me or force me outside the walls or attempt to capture, restrain, and shove me into a box.

I considered letting them win several years ago. Never again.

However, that ideal that Nimona carried sits within my soul.

Maybe I am a monster. Maybe it’s why I hyperfixate on gods and monsters and myths and the darker side of the stories we’re told and the creatures that loom in the shadows.

Because I know how the world sees me. They see a monster.

And maybe that’s not so much of a bad thing. Maybe it’s better to be the thing they fear.

#nimona #trans pride #personal rant #i am a monster #and I accept it #and i love it #and you can’t stop me #I strive to be the thing you fear #I will be your worst nightmare

[oifaaa]

Yeah, as someone who was in boarding school a lot of my childhood- it's not neglect ffs. There are welfare roles, teachers, staff, other kids.

Do I have some issues with my parents now? Honestly yes, I do. I often wish they had been more involved.

But so do people whose parents have divorced or had to work a lot or honestly most people have issues with their parents.

Equating that to neglect??? When neglect is legally abuse? Is very serious

There are abusive/neglectful boarding schools but there are good ones and Tim went tk good ones

Yes boarding school can suck but between being home alone rather than with friends/teachers who raised me, I know which I'd pick. Most of my friends from college did not come from the same privilege I did and their parents also worked super hard but they didn't have the resources to pay for something like boarding school. I consider myself very fortunate!

Boarding school gave me community and an amazing education. My parents placing me there and paying for me was them taking care of me. And I can recognise that I'm extremely privileged for being able to have that education

(On anon because it's personal but no pressure to reply if you don't feel like it isn't relevant)

I think people throw around terms like negligence and abuse way too often when it comes to Tim without actually knowing what those terms mean and it results in people getting the wrong idea about his child hood which like considering I also grew up in a household were I never saw my parents since they both went out to work before I woke up in the morning and weren't home till after I went to sleep I don't get the fuss parents need to work it happens doesn't qualify as neglect and yeah we can talk about boarding school and how they can be good and bad but Tim never seems to have a problem with his and yeah I still think it would have been worse for Tim if his parents had flown him off to every corner of the earth like that's no life for a child

#ask #anon #Also I do find it funny #Bc someone on the last ask pointed out that Tim didn't always know where his parents were #And all I could think was #I'm 25 years old and I still don't know what either of my parents do as jobs or where they ran off to when I was a kid #Like I know one of my dad's jobs is farmer but that's not his main job #Is it normal to know what your parents do for a living I'd argue no #That's their business #I was busy playing Simpsons hit and run #Also speaking of Tim's parents just reminds me of another archeologist parent #Who sometimes has to leave for long periods of time #Bandit heeler he had a whole episode about having to leave sometimes

[amaesama]

𝐶𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑦𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑎 𝑠𝑒𝑥𝑢𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 ℎ𝑐’𝑠

These are just my personal Headcanons and although some may contain canonical facts many of the others are my personal opinion based on vibes. Also reminder to please send me any requests cuz I have no idea what to write thank uuu.

Jane is a lesbian. We all know she is. She was probably the first person in the mansion out and I think kind of gave everyone else the motivation to also come out. Most of the girls who are queer in the mansion probably realised they were queer BECAUSE of Jane. Which is very understandable.

The Slenderman is an eldritch being so I don’t think he does the whole dating thing, you could consider him aroace but he doesn’t really consider himself as anything.

Jeff is also somewhere on the aroace spectrum, probably Greysexual and Greyromantic (this whole post is probably going to be me giving myself representation oml). He’s also pan, on the chance that he does take interest in someone their gender isn’t going to be a major deciding factor. He’s cis with a bit of toxic masculinity mixed in because he is an asshole.

Liu is a hard one, part of me wants to say he’s straight because of their scarf. And that really is the only reason. But I also think he’s bi with a male lean. As they have DID he most likely uses plural pronouns most of the time, but he himself uses he/they.

Sully is Greyaroace, he doesn’t really care about Liu’s partner as long as they don’t hurt him. If Liu is with his partner then he’ll only front if Liu wants him to meet them, but other than that he’ll just leave them be. If Sully takes an interest in someone that Liu is interested in then Liu (being the angel he is) will let him front so he can get to know them.

I’m not including Laughing Jack because his creator is a piece of shit.

Eyeless Jack is demiromantic, demisexual and pan. He cares more about the person as an individual over anything, and he will likely spend a few months before getting with his partner to get to know them as he is a very distrusting and cautious to new people or people he doesn’t know that well. He also won’t get intimate with someone who he doesn’t fully know as he knows he looks a bit… odd (I mean he thinks he does), and he needs to know that his partner will accept him.

Toby is a hard one. He had to be homeschooled due to the bullying so I don’t think he had much romantic experience, the only exposure to any kind of relationship was his parents, but he knew that was abusive and toxic. Because of that I think he is hesitant to be in a relationship as he’s afraid he’ll end up like his dad, but once he has built the motivation to fight that fear he might rush into relationships so he can get a feel of them. He’s likely to be bi, to him the most important part of a relationship is being mindful and understanding of each other’s situation and feelings. I don’t know who first came up with the hc that Toby is ftm but I can very much get behind it. Consider trans Toby canon in my universe.

BEN has the biggest bisexual energy in which I have ever seen in an individual. This is only something they realised after he died and was taken to the mansion, and as they were around 13 when they died (I don’t like the idea that BEN continued to age until 18, it’s weird) he is eternally that age so anything beyond kissing, hugging or holding hands is a no no. BEN uses he/they/it, not really because he considers himself non-binary but because he’s technically coding, plus he looks like Link and we all know Link isn’t cis.

HELENNN. Helen is my favourite creepypasta so if this ends up longer than the others then you know why. Helen was raised as a girl due to his parents really wanting a girl but out popped Helen, who was not a girl. Being raised as a girl for the first few years of his life and then being told he was a boy as soon as he went to school was very confusing for him, and I think because of that when he grew up he really didn’t see the importance of gender roles or such a strict line between genders. I read a hc from another writer that Helen is agender and uses he/him pronouns, which is an idea I really like. He is canonically described as a jerk with the facade of a gentleman, which can have an effect on his relationships as he has a tendency to be a bit aloof and selfish towards his partner at the start of their relationship. With some help he will learn not to be though, but this is a process that will take a while. I don’t think he cares too much for labels and he doesn’t consider himself bi or pan or anything; whilst his partners gender isn’t particularly important, he likes them to be pretty and have a pleasant personality.

Clockwork is lesbian, and (although I may be a bit bias because I ship them) I think she likes Jane. I mean, who wouldn’t like Jane?? Have you seen her??? I think she was also comphet due to trauma she may have endured in her prior life, and because of this she forced herself to like Toby when she first arrived at the mansion. Then she met Jane and was kind of like ‘well fuck.’ After that she assumed she was bi but after a bit of research she realised she was lesbian. She’s probably pining over Jane, is the pining mutual? Who knows.

Nina is Greysexual, greyromantic and straight. This is because the only person she loves, has loved and ever will love is Jeff. It is completely possible that this is a delusion and is something she has manipulated herself into thinking and her thinking she’s straight may be because she only ‘loves’ Jeff and as she could never be with anyone else she must be straight. She’s an ally though so 😍.

Judge Angels is genderfluid and pan. This stems a bit from Helen being unlabelled as these two definitely had something going on and Helen didn’t care about their gender. I honestly don’t know much about Dina so this is pure vibes.

Nurse Ann is a lesbian and probably has a thing going on with Kate. Source: trust me bro.

The Puppeteer is gay. His love for Emra was more of an obsession and fascination then actual love, and I think he realised this when he met the inhabitants of the mansion. He was a initially unsure of how a bunch of serial killers would react to him being gay but when he saw that Jane was out and wasn’t getting judged because of it he was just like ‘why not.’ He’s also asexual because I’m asexual and I say so.

Masky and Hoodie are really hard to figure out. Tim in Marble Hornets was the most gay coded individual in which I have ever seen, which may be due to my own interpretation but as this is my hc I’m saying he’s gay, and probably greysexual. Part of the reason why he went along with Jay in ‘finishing the project’ despite having really no interest in it was because he most likely had a little crush on him. But then he became the Slendermans proxy and started working with Brian and was like ‘ah shit here we go again.’ They keep it strictly business though, so it’s unlikely they will be anything more than colleagues.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

#creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #eyeless jack #eyeless jack x reader #jeff the killer #jeff the killer x reader #ben drowned #ben drowned x reader #ticci toby #ticci toby x reader #jane the killer #jane the killer x reader #clockwork #clockwork x reader #homicidal liu #homicidal liu x reader #masky and hoody #masky #hoodie #tim wright #brian thomas #helen otis #bloody painter #bloody painter x reader #judge angels #nina the killer #creepypasta headcanon #slenderman

[callsign-magnolia]

Undiagnosed // Ch. 4

Mature Content 18+

Jake Seresin x Neurodivergent OC

Summary: Katie Blair grew up trying to be the perfect daughter. She always struggled to be the prim and proper little girl her parents wanted. Big personality as a kid, but now at 25, she's the shy admiral's daughter who just keeps her head down and tries to get through law school. So what happens when she's had enough and with help from a certain Lieutenant, she gets out.

Warnings: This chapter contains mentions of attempted sexual assault. Very vague and nothing graphic, but please take care of yourself before reading. It's very short and easy to skip over. Emotional abuse, trauma response, asshole parents.

Word Count: 6.8k

Chapter 3 | Masterlist

The following Monday, I was sitting in the empty classroom on base. Class was awful today. I’m so sick of pretentious law students who are only there on daddy’s money. They’re all rude and hateful and for some ungodly reason I am their target for their cruel words and jokes. So, I’m sat here, eyes glued to the board in front of me as thoughts raced through my head. I should be studying for my exam tomorrow. I have only studied five of the ten chapters and the stress was palpable. I needed to study but I couldn’t even bring myself to look down at my textbook. “You okay?” I jumped at the voice, slinging my phone off the desk and looking down at my textbook. “Calm down. It’s just me.” I turned to see Lieutenant Seresin pushing himself off the doorframe, walking closer. I huffed, standing from my seat and closing my textbook. “Woah, hey. Don’t leave.” He came over, slamming his hand on the textbook. I sighed, staring down at his large hand on the textbook. “Please take your hand off my book.” I said, meeting his gaze. His green eyes stared into my own, holding my stare.

“Lieutenant. I would like to leave, and I can’t do that until you remove your hand from my textbook.” We continued to hold eye contact before finally, he removed his hand from my textbook. “Thank you.” I said before placing the book in my bag and hiking it up onto my shoulder. “Can we talk?” I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lieutenant.” He huffed, hands slapping his thighs as he dropped them. “What do I have to do to get you to forgive me?” I huffed, turning back to him. “it’s not a matter of forgiveness, Lieutenant.” “You can call me Jake if you want.” He flashed me a smile, but I kept a straight face. “Lieutenant. You were rude to me. I put up with enough rude people in my life and I don’t need to add anymore. "I said I was sorry." He said as I headed for the door. "Lieutenant. Have you ever considered that I didn't want to hear an apology? That maybe all I wanted was to be left alone?" His mouth hung open, as if he was searching for the right words. "You didn't. You decided to pull me into a room alone with you, which I really did not want. Then you had me pinned to a filing cabinet and I felt cornered. Maybe next time you want to apologize to someone, don't force them to listen to you. I'm forced to do enough in my life." I said before finally exiting the room, a weight lifting off my shoulders.

Over the course of the next few weeks, Lieutenant Seresin tried to talk to me. I started drifting around base attempting to hide from him, but he just kept finding me. “Katie!” I laid my head on the table, I was so tired of dealing with him. “I think I liked you better when you were an ass.” I said as he sat across from me. He had a wide grin on his face, propping his chin in his hand as he watched me work. “What are you working on?” I huffed, continuing my work. “Just cleaning up my notes for my Bioethics class.” He hummed, leaning closer and looking at my notes. “So… do you like law?” I kept my mouth shut, not knowing how to answer. “Oh, come on, Katie. It was a simple question.” I sighed, leaning back in my chair. My knee bounced, not able to sit still. “I hate it.” It was a whisper, but it felt like a scream in the still room. “Then why do it?” He asked, shrugging nonchalantly. “Money.” He raised a brow at me and chuckled. “Okay. If it wasn’t for the money, what would you be doing?” He asked and I shrugged. “Nursing has always sparked my interest.” He nodded. “I guess I can see the reason for money. Nurses aren’t always paid the best.” I nodded, a small smile forming on my face. “Yeah, they really aren’t. Not for all the work they do at least.”

“So why aren't you doing it?” I furrowed my brows at his question, a little lost in my own answer. “My parents don’t want me to.” His brows shot up in surprise, as if he wasn’t expecting that to be my answer. “Do you always listen to your parents?” I nodded as I jotted down a few notes. “Isn’t that kind of the point? As kids we’re taught that our parents know what’s best for us.” My phone buzzed and I picked it up, seeing a notification that Natasha had made an instagram post. I opened the app, liking the picture before I started scrolling. “Your parent’s don’t always know what’s best for you.” He said, catching my attention. I looked up at him, furrowing my brows. “I’m sorry. What were we talking about?” Looking at my phone, our entire conversation flew out of my head and for the life of me I couldn’t remember what I said that led to this conversation. He just scoffed, looking at me incredulously. “Have you ever made a decision for yourself?” I was taken aback by his question. Does he think I’m incapable of making a decision? “Of course I have!”

“When was the last time you decided something for yourself?” I thought back on it, realizing that other than what I wear on a day to day basis, I haven’t decided much for myself. My face burned at the realization and sadly, that made him aware. “See. You’re a grown woman who can’t even do what she wants in life because you allow them to control you.” I glared at him, more angry that I realized he was right than him pointing it out. “You don’t have to look at me like that for me to know I’m right.” I was gripping my pen so hard I felt like I would break it. “Can we not talk about my parents? Better yet, let’s not talk at all.” He just chuckled, leaning back in his seat again as I went back to my notes. We spent the rest of the day in silence, and if you disregard our earlier conversation, it was nice. At home that night I was studying for an upcoming test, when my mom came into my room. “You need to get down here and fold this laundry.” It took me a second to realize she meant hers and my fathers. Mine was done this past weekend. I took a deep breath, turning to face her. “I can’t. I need to study.” I said before turning back to my text book. I grabbed my pencil as my heart beat in my ears, adrenaline flooding my body. “AH!” I screamed as my mother grabbed my hair, yanking my head back for me to look at her. “What did you say to me?” There was venom in her voice and she kept pulling as my head bent over the back of my desk chair.

“I’ll do it! I’ll do it! I’m sorry!” I yelled out, grabbing her wrist in hopes she’d let go of my hair. “Not until you tell me what you said.” “I said I couldn’t because I need to study.” I cried. She yanked my hair again, flipping my chair onto it’s back and sending me to the floor. “Let me remind you that I do everything for you and I have your entire life. I have fed you, I have clothed you and I have made sure you’ve always had a roof over your head. I will not tolerate this level of disrespect.” She spat the words in my face as she got down on my eyes level. “I can kick you to the curb at any second and you will have nowhere to go. You are nothing without me. You wouldn’t be any kind of lady without me and you wouldn’t have the life you have without me. Now, show a little gratitude and fold the laundry downstairs.” Her tone was menacing as her face got near mine. “Yes, ma’am.” I squeaked, managing to stand up. “Now get!” I rushed from my room, going down the stairs so fast I thought it might trip before I grabbed the laundry from the laundry room. I took it into the living room, immediately getting to work on folding my parents clothes.

The next day Lieutenant Seresin didn’t come find me, and honestly, I missed it a little. He would irritate me when he would talk, but just having a presence there, knowing I wasn’t alone was nice. So I sat in silence, managing to get a good amount of work done for once. Once it was time for dad and I to leave, I walked down to his office, waiting for him outside the door. As I waited, I scrolled through my phone but was interrupted by a tall presence next to me. “Hi.” The man said as I looked up at him. “Um, hi.” I responded, not knowing what else to say. “I’m Lieutenant Commander Blake Richardson.” I nodded. “Katie Blair.” He smiled at me, leaning on the wall next to me. “Oh, I know who you are.” I furrowed my brows in confusion. “I um, I’ve seen you around. I’ve been working up the courage to talk to you.” Something was off with this guy, I could feel it in my gut. He seemed like a really confident guy, not someone who would be nervous to talk to women. “I actually wanted to ask if you would go on a date with me?” I was shocked. I’ve been on dates before but they were usually men my parents set me up with, like Coop. But I didn’t feel right about this guy. “Oh, thank you but I’m not-” “She’ll go.” I jumped hearing my fathers voice behind me. “Okay, I’ll pick you up Thursday at seven.” He said before walking away. My shoulders fell in dejection, realizing I had no say. “You’d be stupid to turn him down. He’s climbing the ranks quickly, has the potential to be Fleet Commander one day.” Dad said as he laid a hand on my shoulder.

I dreaded Thursday all week, and I was tempted to fake being sick to get out of it. But even if I was actually sick I’d still be forced to go. My mother was ecstatic, talking about how this could be the man I’d marry. Sometimes I can’t tell if they want me to get a law degree or an MRS degree. I slipped on a tiffany blue dress, with nude heels and sighed as I grabbed my purse. I did not want to do this, but it was better to get it over with than put it off. As soon as he arrived, my mother swung the door open as I came downstairs. “Lieutenant Commander, so nice to meet you.” Her voice was sickly sweet as she held her hand for him to shake. Once I hit the last step I noticed he wore his tans and I couldn’t help but scrunch my nose up at it. “Well, you two have fun. Not too much fun though.” I went to step past mom but she grabbed my arm, digging her nails in as she did it. “Do not mess this up.” She hissed in my ear and I nodded, following Blake out to his truck. It was an older model ford, but it looked nice. He immediately got in on the driver’s side and as I opened the passenger side door, a flood of water bottles fell out. I huffed, pulling myself in, almost losing a heel in the process. We drove in silence to the little Italian restaurant, and I wish he had kept his mouth shut through dinner as well. The only thing he spoke about was himself and his job.

By the end of the night, I knew more about this man than I truly cared too. We got back into the truck and I listened to him go on more as we drove. Not once did he ask about me or even show any interest in me. It’s like he asked me on a date just to have someone to gloat to. I stared out the window, showing my boredom as he pulled over just at the end of my street behind a set of bushes. “What are you doing?” I asked, turning to face him. He smiled at me, slinging his arm along the back of the bench seat and playing with my hair. “Just figured we could have a minute alone.” He said as he slid closer to me. “Well I’d appreciate it if you took me home.” He chuckled, his face closing in on mine. “Oh come on, haven’t you had fun?” I shook my head. “No. I haven’t said a word all night, in fact, this is the first time I’ve said anything all night.” He rolled his eyes, scoffing. “I know how to make this fun.” I raised a brow but slapped his arm when he stuck his hand under my dress. “What the fuck?!” I yelled, backing myself into the door. “God, Coop said you could be difficult.” My heart dropped and before I could open the truck door, he grabbed my leg, dragging me closer to him and pushing me down in the seat. I screamed, managing to grab the door handle and push it open, but he leaned over me, pulling it closed.

He managed to push my dress up and in my panic I brought my knee up, hitting him in the crotch. He yelled out, gasping for breath and I used the opportunity to rear my fist back, connecting with his nose. Immediately blood dripped onto my chest and I dragged myself from under him. He gripped the neckline of my dress, ripping it as I yanked myself away. I grabbed my bag, running up the sidewalk to my house. “YOU BITCH!” My pulse was thrumming through my ears and I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere with my shoes, so I kicked them off, grabbing them in my hands and sprinting. I was almost to my driveway when Blake’s truck swerved in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. He got out, rounding the truck and stomping towards me, blood dripping from his nose to the ground. It felt like my body was buzzing as I stood there, purse on my shoulder, heels in one hand while the other held a part of my dress up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what my first reaction was. I screamed as loud as I could, the distressing noise ripping through the air around us and within seconds the porch light of my house came on, and so did the one on my neighbors porch, which I was standing in front of. “What the hell is going on?” I froze hearing my mother’s voice. She sounded angry and for a split second, I debated on taking my chances with Blake.

She stormed over with my father behind her, just as our neighbor, Cindy, came out. “Meredith? What’s going on?” She asked my mother. As she got closer she gasped, seeing the state I was in. “Oh dear, what happened?” She asked, carefully taking my heels from me so I could use both hands to hold up my dress. “What did you do to her?!” She turned to Blake, yelling at him. Tears spilled down my cheeks at her defending me. “Oh, Cindy. I’m sure it’s just a big misunderstanding.” Mom said coming over, shushing me and taking me into her arms. I tensed up, not used to her touching me like this. “What happened?” My father asked Blake and he glared at me. “She kneed me in the balls and then punched me in the nose.” He spat and my father glared at me. “Well you obviously deserved it. Look at the state she’s in!” Cindy yelled. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s get you inside.” Mom pulled and for a second I didn’t budge, but I finally did when she pulled a little harder. I looked back seeing Cindy was red in the face with rage. “I’m calling the cops! He should be arrested for what he did to her!” She yelled out. Just as we got inside, I heard her yell one last time. “Richard! Are you not going to do anything about this?” She yelled at my dad. Before mom could scold me I rushed away, up to my room and slammed the door shut.

When I was finally alone, everything hit me. My chest was heaving and I couldn’t breathe, sliding down my bedroom door as I sobbed. Where the hell did I go wrong? My parents hate me so much that they would cover for a man that attempted to hurt me. I looked down seeing my torn and bloody dress and felt disgusting. I stood, about to yank it off when I stopped and grabbed my phone. I decided to take pictures, that way if he ever says anything, I have proof. I managed to take pictures and then I yanked off the dress, letting it fall to the floor. I got into my dresser, pulling out a large t-shirt and slipping it on. Once I finally stopped, all the emotions set in and I stood in the middle of my bedroom, shaking as I held myself. But that all stopped when I heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. I knew what was coming and prepared myself. What I didn’t expect was my door to fly open and one of my heels flew across the room, narrowly missing my head as it crashed into the wall, leaving a hole. “What the hell did you do?” My dad asked, my mother standing behind him, a scowl on her face. “I didn’t do anything. I sat there and I let him go on about himself, I didn’t put a toe out of line. But then he decided he wanted sex from me and I said no, clearly he doesn’t understand what that word means.”

“Do you have any idea how this makes us look?” My dad asked and I felt like my head was going to explode. “I WAS ALMOST RAPED AND YOU’RE ONLY CONCERNED WITH OUR IMAGE?!” I screamed. I could see the anger in his eyes but my mom stepped past him, walking till she was a foot away. “Katie. Sometimes giving people what they want makes life a lot easier.” My jaw hit the floor at her words, my mind reeling and not comprehending. “So you wanted me to just lay there and let him do whatever he wanted with me?” She didn’t say anything but I knew the answer. “You know, they say kids who grew up in abusive households are more likely to be in abusive relationships as adults.” She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring up at me. “You wouldn’t know abuse if it hit you in the face.” I took a step closer, towering over her five foot frame with my own, glaring at her. “You mean like you do?” At my words her hand shot out and smacked me in the face. In all reality, I should’ve seen it coming but I didn’t move from my spot, just facing her and staring into her dull gray eyes. “I’m leaving.” I said before turning around and grabbing my purse. I turned back to find my father blocking the doorway with his large figure. “Move.” I said and he scoffed. “You don’t scare me. Where do you think you’re gonna go? Your car belongs to us, if you take it we’ll report it stole and you’ll do jail time. You have no friends and nowhere to go.” I opened my mouth to retort but my mother stepped into the room and he slammed the door shut behind him as he walked out.

My heart was pounding in my ears, I was just so brave, but now that I’m alone with her, that bravery might as well have dove out the window. “Sit down.” Her tone was soft, something I rarely remember her being. I stared at her for a moment before sitting down on the bed and she sat next to me. I jumped as she grabbed my hand, holding it in both of hers as she took a deep breath. “Do you know why we’re so hard on you? It’s because we love you.” I opened my mouth but she held her hand up. “Let me finish. Your father and I both grew up with nothing, and with your father’s career, we would be able to give you everything we never had. We’re hard on you because we want you to be successful, so you can have the things you want in life. But dammit Katie if you don’t make it hard. We know what’s best for you and you just keep pulling away.” She brushed some hair behind my ear, sighing. “You can be so hard to love, Katie.” Tears sprung to my eyes at her words. “We want you to have a good career and marry someone who has your best interest at heart like we do. You never made it easy on us. Do you remember all the problems you had throughout school?” I immediately nodded. Getting good grades was hard enough but I was very impulsive, and I still can be. I was also a very hyper child, and could be very unruly at times. “We do what we do so you can be a successful adult and look, as you’ve gotten older, you’ve gotten better. But you’re still not the woman you should be. That’s why we continue to be hard on you. Without us, you would probably be living on the streets somewhere with no food or money.”

She wiped the tears from my eyes, startling me. “We do it because if we didn’t, no one could ever love you Katie.” I nodded, looking at her. “Mom, I’m so sorry for being an awful daughter.” She smiled at me softly. “You’ll get better with time.” I nodded, leaning in for a hug that I thought she may give me when she stood up, walking towards the door. “Why don’t you do a little studying before you go to bed? You know, calm down a little. You were pretty hysterical.” All I could do was nod as she walked out and closed the door behind her. I did as she said, studying a little before crawling into my warm bed. I looked around my room, realizing she was right. Without them I wouldn’t have a warm place to sleep, I wouldn’t have all the nice clothes I have, and I probably wouldn’t have my fish, two of which were looking at me, making me realize that in the chaos I forgot to feed them. I got up, dumping a little food in before crawling back in bed, laying on my side to watch them. My eyes locked on Georgie and my eyes followed him all over the tank, never breaking from him. I don’t know how long I stared at him but I knew I hadn’t blinked in a while. I knew I should but that would break my concentration and I was relaxed watching him swim around the tank. It didn’t matter because within minutes my eyes fluttered closed and my breathing evened out.

The next morning my parents didn’t speak to me much but they did smile at me, so I know they’re not mad. I was about to walk out the door for class when there was a knock on it. I swung the door open, caught off guard by two police officers. “How can I help you?” I asked and they looked around. “We got a call about a disturbance last night. Are you Miss Blair?” I nodded. “I am.” They looked at each other, then back to me. “Could you tell us what happened last night?” I swallowed, hard. “My boyfriend and I got into it. I was so frustrated I screamed. It’s no big deal.” They nodded again. “Has he ever hurt you physically in any way? We were told he had blood on his face.” I shook my head quickly. “No. It was dark and she must've been seeing things. We resolved it and everyone went home.” They nodded, looking at me suspiciously “We were also told your parents were there. Are they here now?” I nodded as he pulled something out of his pocket. When he handed me a business card. “If you ever feel like you’re in danger and are too scared to call 911, this is my direct line. You can get help.” My heart thudded in my chest as I stared down at the card. “Thank you officer. I’ll keep that in mind.” They told me to have a good day before leaving. I closed the door, startled to find my mom behind it. “Everything okay?” I nodded, grabbing my bag and pulling my keys from the front pocket, dropping the business card in there. “Just some officers asking about last night.” She hummed as I pulled my bag onto my shoulder. She nodded, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Have a good day in class.”

I was stunned. That was the first time I had ever heard those words come out of her mouth. I felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. I had no idea who this woman was, but she wasn’t my mother. I decided not to dwell on it, opting to take whatever kindness she was willing to give me, not knowing if she would give it to me when I got home tonight. I actually had a good day in class and all around. Maybe mom was right, they know what’s best for me and if I just listen, my days could be easier. When I walked into my dads office he gave me a small smile. “How was your day?” I asked and he just sighed. “Long. We’ll probably be here late tonight.” I nodded, leaving him and opting to go back to the rec room, try and go back to my old routine. I walked in, seeing Bradley and Natasha sitting at the table. “Hi!” I greeted happily as I sat next to Bradley. “Hey, where’ve you been?” He asked as he looked down at me. “I was sitting elsewhere to try and avoid Coop and Lieutenant Seresin. But Lieutenant Seresin finds me anyway so there’s no point in hiding.” I chuckled as I pulled out all my stuff.

“So you weren’t avoiding us?” I shook my head. “Y’all are great and I really like being around you. But with my parents, sometimes space is best.” They nodded in understanding and I got to work as we all caught up. But that all came to a screeching halt when I heard a familiar voice. “There you are Kate. I’ve missed you.” I felt his fingers in my hair and I immediately turned, smacking his hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me.” I snapped, standing from my seat. “Ooh, still feisty from last night I see.” Coop said just as Blake came into the room, a bandage on his nose and bruises around his eye. “What are you talking about?” My heart thudded in my chest, my stomach twisting in knots. Surely he didn’t go around telling people. Someone would call the cops, and he certainly isn’t gonna say he got his nose broken by a girl. “Last night. You know, all the fun we had in my truck.” Blake said, winking at me. “We didn’t sleep together.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest as I glared at him. “Poor Katie. You were pretty dumb under me last night.” He reached out to touch my cheek and I smacked his hand away. “Damn, I knew I hit you hard, but I must’ve knocked your brain loose when I broke your nose.” He glared at me, a look that if possible, would’ve had me six feet under.

“No I asked you to do that, remember?” I furrowed my brows, giving him a ‘what the fuck’ look. “Oh, did you not know Blake was a hardcore masochist?” Coop asked. “I don’t give a fuck what he is. All I know is he attempted to sleep with me and I told him no.” I could feel Bradley and Natasha’s eyes on me, causing sweat to form on the back of my neck from nerves. “That’s not what I heard.” I stood up straight, glaring at Coop and Blake. “I heard you two went for hours in his truck, all kinds of positions and some wild kinks. I always knew you were a freak.” His face was inches from mine and I glared into his eyes. “That’s not true, and you have three seconds to back the hell up and get out of my face.” I said, practically spitting in his face. “Ooh, what are you gonna do? Break my nose too?” Bradley stood up, placing his hand on Coop’s chest, pushing him back. “I think you need to go.” He laughed at Bradley just as Lieutenant Seresin came in. “You’re really gonna defend her? I knew you liked her Bradshaw, but what? Do you wanna fuck her too? Go ahead, I’m sure she’d spread her legs on that table for you right now!” I gasped as Bradley’s hand shot out, grabbing Coop by the neck. Coop was about an inch taller than me without shoes, so he’s very short compared to Bradley. Blake lunged for him and Lieutenant Seresin grabbed him, slamming him into the wall. Immediately a fight broke out and I had no idea who to stop until Natasha grabbed Bradley’s arm and I went for Lieutenant Seresin. Everything felt like it lasted hours, but in reality it was a matter of seconds before a loud voice stopped us. I stood straight, slamming my back against the wall next to Blake, keeping my eyes on the floor.

“What the hell is going on here?” I looked up, shocked to see Maverick. “Start talking.” Coop and Blake looked at each other, nodding. “I was just talking to Katie here and Bradshaw seemed to be a little possessive. He attacked me out of nowhere.” Coop said. “Oh bullshit!” Three voices called out, startling me. “You came in here, spreading a pathetic rumor about Katie, and you’re just mad that someone besides her stood up to you.” Natasha fired off, stepping closer to Blake. “I bet she told you no, and you tried to have your way with her anyway.” Blake immediately lunged for her but was stopped when Lieutenant Seresin grabbed him, slamming his back into the wall. “Is it true?” The look on his face was dark, scary looking as he stared into Blake’s face. “Did you, or did you not try to hurt her?” Blake started to panic and nodded as Jake let him go, sliding down the wall. “Get up. You pathetic piece of shit.” He said, kicking Blake’s leg. “Hangman.” Maverick said, and he backed off. “Everyone needs to leave. Now.” They all nodded, standing and walking out the door. I went to follow but Maverick stopped me, motioning me to have a seat. I've never talked to Maverick, at least alone. It made me nervous and my whole body shook as I sat in the chair, my eyes staying on my shoes. He grabbed the chair next to me, pulling it out and sitting in it backwards as he crossed his Arma over the top.

"What's going on lately? Coop seems hell bent on making you miserable. Do you know why?" I shook my head. "We went on a date a year ago and it didn't end well. Mainly with him insulting me. Neither of us contacted each other again and he was deployed. But then he came back for that mission and he's been a thorn in my side ever since." He nodded. "I've heard what he's been saying. Is it true?" I immediately shook my head. "No! Captain Mitchell, you have to believe me. I would never do that with anyone here on base. Especially people under my father." I was talking so fast he held his hands out. "I believe you. Truthfully I've never believed a word out of his mouth. I just want to cover my bases and get both sides." I nodded, taking a deep breath. "But was Phoenix right? About Richardson last night?" I bit my lip, pulling on my thumbs. I want to say yes, but I know that no matter what I say it will come back on me. "Katie. We can't help you if we don't know what's going on." I fought back the tears, looking into his eyes. "No. I willingly slept with him last night. I just didn't expect it to get around base and I was embarrassed. That's why I denied it all."

He stared at me before his shoulders fell. "You're lying." It was like my heart stopped in my chest, and I felt like I could die right there. "Why would you lie to cover him?" I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, letting them flow freely down my cheeks. "Because it was my fault." The room stilled and I couldn’t look him in the eye now. "I don't know if it was because I gave him the wrong signals, or maybe it was the way I was dressed. But I know it was my fault." I jumped as the chair screeched across the floor and Captain Mitchell firmly gripped my shoulders. "That is not your fault. You didn't make him do that, he chose to do it himself. Now tell me. Did he hurt you?" I looked up at him in fear and shook my head. "No. I got him off me when I broke his nose and he ripped my dress but he didn't do anything to me." "But he tried?" I nodded and he stood up straight. "I'll make sure Admiral Simpson knows about this, and they'll be dealt with accordingly. Does your father know?" I jumped up, shaking my head.

"No! You can't do anything, if my dad finds out-" "He'll be livid and he'll lose his position as Lieutenant Commander. He may even be dishonorably discharged." I shook my head, holding onto his arm. "Captain. My parents both heard me scream last night when I was running from him, and they came outside and saw the state I was in, all while Blake was standing there." He stared at me, brows furrowed. "Are you telling me that Commander Blair just let him walk away after what he did to you?" I couldn't deny it now, so I nodded. "He was too concerned about our image. Captain, no matter how this goes, to him it's my fault and I'll suffer the repercussions from it. So please, don't say anything." I could tell he was having an internal battle with himself and finally after a few minutes of thinking he agreed. It was like a weight was lifted off my chest and I could breathe. "But I'm making their lives miserable in training." I nodded, glad that even if they didn't get official punishment, he would make their lives hell here. "Thank you." He made his way towards the door, but stopped short of pulling it open. "Katie." I looked up at him as he stood there. "If you were my daughter, no one would be able to find him after I was done with him." I gave him a soft smile, appreciating the sentiment. "Thank you, Captain." With that he left the room, leaving me alone.

I sat back in my chair, staring at my textbooks just wondering how I could bring myself to study after all that. But I sat up anyway, pouring myself into my work. But it was no use, my mind kept drifting off to my father finding out. Visualizing all the ways he could react. I was startled out of my thoughts by a hand touching mine. "It's just me." Natasha said, calming me down. "You okay? You've been staring at the wall since I sat down. Which was like five minutes ago. " I quickly nodded. "I'm fine." She shook her head. "No you're not. Katie, when are you gonna let us help you?" I huffed, giving her a small smile. "I appreciate the offer Natasha. But I need to do this myself." She grinned at me widely. "What?" She pointed at me, smiling. "You didn't say you didn't need help. I'm getting through to you." She sing songed making me laugh lightly. "But really, after all that," She said, pointing to the spot where we were all standing earlier. "Rooster and Hangman had to take a walk. They are so mad, I'm surprised steam didn't pour out of their ears." The picture in my head made me laugh. "If you ever need us, we're here Katie." I smiled at her. "Wanna stay wtlith me while I study?" She nodded and we sat there.

Eventually Rooster joined us, and they both helped me study for an upcoming exam, which made me feel a lot more confident about it. Soon it was time for them to leave and eventually my father text me, telling me we were leaving. I stood from my seat, packing everything in my bag, and knocking my notebook in the floor in the process. Before I could even bend down to grab it, someone else did. "Here." I took it from Lieutenant Seresin, putting it back in my bag. "Thank you." I said and he bit his lip, eyes drifting to his shoes before he looked up at me, hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry." I raised a brow in confusion. "I never actually apologized when I pulled you on that closet. I didn't know Coop was going around saying that, and if I had, I would've put a stop to it." I nodded, hands clutching my bag as I looked at him. Dark jeans, an orange Longhorns shirt, and boots. It was odd to see him out of uniform, but he looked good. "Thank you. I appreciate the apology."

"That was actually why I came in here earlier. I heard what Richardson had been saying and I wanted to let you know." I gave him a small smile. "I really really appreciate that." He smiled at me. "Seemed I was a little late though." I shook my head. "I think you were right on time. Everything could've been a lot worse if you hadn't shown up when you did." He chuckled, nodding. "Um, look. I know you have Rooster and Phoenix’s number. But here's mine, ya know, just in case you need someone else." His accent was thick as he held out a folded up piece of paper to me. I took it from him, seeing he did in fact put his number down with his name messing scrawled under it. "Thank you, Lieutenant. If you'll excuse me, I have to go. Can't be late meeting my dad outside his office." He nodded as I turned, walking away. "Hey Katie?" I stopped in the doorway, looking at him. "You can call me Jake." I laughed to myself, smiling at him. "Have a good night, Jake." He flashed me a million dollar smile as I walked down the hallway.

That night after studying and my shower I laid in bed, scrolling through instagram when I came across a picture of Natasha and Jake. I immediately remembered I had his number and I got up, pulling it from my bag before I crawled back in bed. I plugged the number into my phone, debating on texting him. He had a girlfriend and she already saw us leaving a room together and got the wrong idea. But something told me to text him.

Thank you for today. I don't think you understand how much I appreciate you coming to tell me what was going on. Guess you're not so bad after all.

I set my phone down, rolling onto my side, attempting to fall asleep. I didn't expect a reply tonight, so I was surprised when my phone buzzed.

Any time, and I'm glad you think I'm not that bad. I feel like I gotta redeem myself with you in some way.

I just smiled, setting my phone down again. He's really been trying to get me to change my perspective of him. Maybe for once I should listen to myself and not my parents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @wkndwlff @cherrycola27 @daisydaisygoose @rosiahills22 @deanoheartspie @cornishkat @high-speed-r @fogle97 @mygyn @ohgodnotagainn @emma8895eb @senjoritanana @genius2050 @sandaltoesocks @mayhemmanaged @dempy @itsdesiree86 @callsign-athena @jstarr86 @brooke-stinson @rachkon @topguncultleader @bethbunnyy @topgun-imagines @clancycucumber230 @seitmai

#undiagnosed #jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #hangman #jake seresin x oc #Neurodivergent OC #top gun maverick #top gun #jake seresin top gun #ADHD OC #jake seresin x neurodivergent oc

[mswyrr]

IMO, the Star Wars OT is a huge space opera, but at heart it's about Luke learning about his abusive/addict father and making peace with him and the things inside Luke that he shared with his father. it's about how he is tempted by the dark side too, about Anakin as his shadow he has to incorporate and make peace with.

The historical context in the US fits with this and helps explain (in part) why this story hit so hard with the public. It was a period of major generational conflict between Boomers and their parents, the WW2 gen, over the Vietnam War (which many ww2 veterans pushed their sons into). Within that, the OT was written by a Boomer about a touchy-feely kid who wanted to go express himself and chill instead of becoming a machine man, a weapon of war like his father, who serves the "Empire" (which Lucas has said was based on the US!! It was based on the US war machine). The WW2 gen/Boomer generational conflict is right there - as is the way that a LOT of the WW2 generation men had deep trauma they never dealt with besides self-medicating with alcohol* and numbing it as best they could. (and often also hitting their kids/wives).** That was something a lot of younger men like Lucas didn't want for themselves; they tried to embrace psychology, self-help, myths and mysticism, emotion.

A WW2 generation man as this numb, violent, terrifying being locked away in a suit? And the idea that maybe somewhere inside there is a heart that could love you? Powerful stuff for a generation of boys that largely grew up being (to one degree or another) knocked around by emotionally distant fathers.

The metaphor works beautifully and I think where Ahsoka's relationship with Anakin as a father/elder brother figure goes in Ahsoka ep 5 is aiming for a similar level of emotional nuance re: how love and abuse can be complex and how someone can "fall" to the darkness, but it's not a simple situation for you as someone who loves them. (Similarly, the handling of the late Jedi Order's abusive behavior in sending children into battle has been done with nuance as well). Because she does love him and she does feel that he is a part of her - so until she can make peace with that and what it means, she cannot be at peace with herself*** and her own right to live and be whole rather than afraid of herself.

I think the inner psychological journey stuff is a rich thing that comes out of a specific period and its dynamics and yet continues to be able to speak to powerful issues re: trauma, love, addiction, and abuse. There's other ways of interpreting it, and it's a story, so those are valid. But I do get frustrated when the metaphorical reading is dismissed out of hand or denigrated, when Lucas and Filoni both intentionally draw on Jungian psychology and mythology in ways that fit with it as a reading.

I'm still annoyed at the person on Twitter yesterday who told me I was being "harmful" toward survivors of abuse (I am myself a survivor of abuse) for liking Ahsoka Episode 5. Like.... my dear Twitter person, I am not telling you how to feel about abuse or art or telling you that your reactions make you a bad person, would you extend me the same grace? No? Okay.

*mental health care was shit at the time, like absolutely shit if you weren't rich. i cannot emphasize enough how absolutely shit it was. some states even put any mental hospitalizations you had on records viewable by potential employers so they could see it and discriminate against you. so it's complicated - partly the embrace of mental health comes from the Boomer gen and their backlash against their parents' "keep it all inside" school of thought and the damage it caused

**I did a dissertation on late 20th Century mental health care in the US

***not everybody is going to relate to this and that's okay! there is no one right way to heal! it's not a simple thing or an exact science; humans are too complex for that

#star wars #star wars meta #ahsoka #ahsoka spoilers #ahsoka tano #anakin skywalker #my meta

[thatdamnmutt-exe]

All Mine

Summary: Daryl and Carl get jealous of Remington spending all his time with Ron. Then one thing leads to the next where they end up walking in on Ron on top of a frightened Remington. Paring: Carl x Reader x Daryl Word Count: 2789 Setting: Takes place in Alexandria  Warnings: NSFW Content, Hard Kinks, Sexual Assult, Attempted Rape, Poly Relationship, Gay Relationship, & Aftercare/Fluff Extra: Carl and Remington are 19 along with Ron. Daryl is 39. Remington is also a trans male without bottom surgery. 

——————————————————————————

      “ All, it's all mine, it's all mine.

I gotta live by this, 

can't trust what these men do ”

——————————————————————————

the group had only been in alexandria for about 2 weeks now and everyone’s been running around and getting to know people. remington was no exception. he made friends with a few other teenagers in the town one he grew the closest with was ron. ron and him could understand each other’s pain as both grew up with abusive parents. 

remington enjoyed having someone his age understand the pain that he was still going through. that pain of being abused the people that were supposed to love you never really goes away. sure one of his partners, daryl, was abused as a kid as well but daryl never really liked to talk about it. rem understood why but sometimes he just wished he could express his experiences with someone who understood.

as for daryl and rem’s other partner, carl, those two tried to distract themselves from rem’s constant disappearances to go see ron. they would go on runs or try to help around to ignore the jealous feelings they both had. 

remington and carl started dating when they were both 17 back at the very beginning of the prison. as for how daryl joined the relationship, it happened when remington escaped the prison with daryl and beth. the two became close until they both couldn’t deny the mutal feelings towards each other. 

it was a bit of strange dynamic and never planned but remington couldn’t deny his crush on the archer that had built up after being out there alone together. then when daryl and rem came back in contact with carl, rick, and michonne, remington told carl the truth.

carl always knew that remington was open to poly relationship of some form as remington told him back at the farm when they were still friends. he was rightfully upset at first, but after a few days he told remington that he’d be open to the idea. ever since the three of them got along just fine and felt content in the relationship. 

anyways so that’s how that came to be. the others didn’t really know about this as the three felt that the rest of the group find it gross or be weirded out by it. 

remington followed behind ron as the taller boy led the two to a private little area by the pond. the two sat together with at least 2 feet between them. as much as remington felt content with ron, ron was still a stranger. and he didn’t want to admit to himself but ron had be acting a bit more... sexual towards him the past few days. 

“so how is sex with carl?” ron asked randomly. remington was ataken a back and rightfully uncomfortable. sure remington could be a sexual person who makes sexual jokes and ever shares some detail of his sexual life but that was only with well trusted people. ron was practically a stranger.

“fine.” rem’s voice was sharp and rough. 

ron turned to face the boy, “only fine? not ‘wonderful’, ‘amazing’, or ‘mindblowing’?” he leaned on his hand as he got closer to rem. 

remington backed up a bit, now feeling extremely uncomfortable and afraid. “i-i don’t really discuss that side of my relationship with strangers.” 

“come on now, i’m not a stranger. i’ve told you more about myself than i ever had with anyone. plus, i bet i could fuck you way better.” ron’s face was now right by rem’s ear as he whispered the last part. 

rem gulped hard and tried to move back more but the log that was behind him stopped him in his tracks. ron took this opportunity to latch his lips onto rem’s neck while moving his hand down to his pants. 

“that’s it baby, i’ll fuck you nice and good.” ron’s voice was venomous as he moved his free hand to cover rem’s mouth. 

rem froze, unable to react as flashbacks hit him like a freight train. tears filled his eyes as his brain began to disconnect itself from reality.

ron’s tongue moved up rem’s neck, it was warm and wet and slimey. rem hated it so much and wanted it to end. he felt the tongue moving up to his cheek and he closed his eyes tightly, hoping it would end soon. 

the slimey feeling went away and grunts were heard. rem opened his eyes to see carl slamming ron onto the ground. “the fuck are you doing to him!” carl’s voice was deep and dangerous. posion dripped from every word. 

when rem’s brain fully came back to regsiter what was happening he felt strong arms wrap around his small frame. he tried to fight at first until he heard a familiar, soothing southern accent. “calm down, hun, it’s just me.” the husky voice made rem shiver. 

“d-daryl?” rem’s voice was soft and shaky as he turned to look up at him. daryl nodded as he pulled him in to hug him once more. 

rem sobbed softly, “i’m sorry, i swear i didn’t want it. i didn’t know he’d do this, i’m so sor-” he was cut off from daryl’s rough lips on his own.

“calm down sweetheart, i know you didn’t wanna.” daryl whispers softly while rocking them until rem’s breathing slows down. the only thing that can be heard is punches and kicks as carl continues to beat up ron.

“carl, that’s enough. help me take remi back to the house.” daryl’s voice was stern as he stood up with rem clinging onto his neck like a koala. 

carl didn’t stop. all he saw was red as he continued to kick ron who was now coughing up blood. daryl approached him carefully and put an arm on his shoulder which resulted in a push from carl.

“don’t touch me!” carl yelled without thinking. rem flinched slightly, carl noticed it as he turned to look at the two. his anger vanished as he put a hand on rem’s back. 

“sorry, i didn’t mean to startle you. let’s go back to the house.” carl kissed rem’s head before following daryl back to the house. not caring about the stares they were getting. 

upon reaching their home, daryl set rem down on the bed and covered him up. he pulled away, knowing he’d have to deal with the aftermath with carl’s fight. 

rem didn’t let go, “please, please don’t leave.” daryl looked to carl who only nodded and moved to take his place next to rem. 

“i’ll be back darling, i have to deal with that one’s mess.” daryl motioned towards carl. rem pulled daryl in for a soft kiss before letting him go. he turned to shove his face into carl’s chest. 

“has he been doing that often?” carl asked after a couple minutes of silence. 

rem shook his head, “he never tried anything on me before. he only started asking sexual questions recently.”

carl sighed in relief, he would’ve honestly left to kill ron once remington fell asleep. 

- Time Skip -

the two woke up from a nap to see it was now dark outside and that daryl still wasn’t back.

remington remembered the events from earlier and suddenly felt icky as he remembered the feeling of ron’s hands and tongue on him. he hated it so much and wanted it gone. 

“are you okay, baby?” carl asked softly. 

remington only looked at him before pulling him in for a rough kiss. carl was ataken back by the sudden force of the kiss and pulled away. 

“hey, slow down, what’s going on?” his voice was now full of concern.

“please, carl, i want the feeling of him gone. replace the feeling of his hands with yours.” rem looked up at him desperate. carl was conflicted, he didn’t like the idea of being sexual with his partner who literally almost got raped. on the other hand, he felt a jealousy flow through him at the mention of ron’s hands on his boyfriend’ s body. 

“are you sure you want this right now?” rem nodded frantically, all his bad emotions washing away and turning into a hunger for carl. he pulled on carl’s shirt as he looked into his eyes and licked his lips. 

the sight made carl forget everything in that moment and was on top of rem in an instant. their lips and teeth clashing from passion as carl dips a hand down to rem’s shirt and travels up his bare skin. 

rem shivered and moaned in the kiss as carl’s hand met with his nipple, rubbing it between his fingers. remington arched his back and whimpered at the feeling. he needed more. “carl, please.” 

carl kissed down from his lips to his neck and started leaving hickeys along it. he pulled back to pull off rem’s shirt before he dove to his free nipple and sucked on it harshly. remington’s moans grew louder and more needy as carl’s hand ran down his slightly chubby stomach and to the hem of his pants.

“carl please, touch me.” rem said breathlessly as he picked his head back up. he ended up making eye contact with daryl who looked starstruck in the doorway. he noticed the bulge growing in daryl’s pants and smirked slightly. 

carl removed rem’s pants and underwear before moving his head between his thighs. his tongue grazed over rem’s click while his fingers teased his hole. rem’s hand moved to grasp carl’s hair and attempted to push his tongue against him more. “please, don’t tease me.” 

remington’s voice was a whimper now, he needed more. his body craved carl’s touch and now daryl’s stare. “how about you? you wanna come join?” 

carl stopped what he was doing to turn towards the doorway and was met with daryl’s now lust filled stare. “how about it, daryl? any special requests?” carl smirked before shoving three fingers into rem suddenly and thrusting roughly. 

rem’s breath cut off and a loud moan was replaced. “fuck! carl!” his hips bucked up to meet with his thrusts. daryl moved his way over to the two and sat on the edge of the bed. he sat remington up against his chest before leaning in to start sucking on rem’s neck while playing with his nipples. 

“just keep going, carl. once they cum from this, i want you to fuck them nice and good before i do it myself. we’re going to replace any and all traces of that fucker from our boy’s body.” daryl’s hands were like a gift from god as they continued to stimulate remington’s nipples as he spoke. 

“i like you’re thinking. how about it pretty boy? you think you can make it through all that?” carl’s fingers never stopped his pace, he enjoyed the twisted look of pleasure on rem’s face. 

remington couldn’t form words so he only nodded. this earned him a hand around his throat from daryl, “words, darling.” his voice was sharp and demanding. it was something that remington never heard before. 

“y-yes sir, i can.” daryl released his grip and went back to work on his nipples and neck. carl was content with the answer as well and added his thumb to rem’s click, rubbing it harshly. remington’s body started to convulse slightly as pleasure overtook him. 

rem’s eyes rolled back as he came all over carl’s fingers, a loud moan echoing through the room. carl removed his fingers and looked up at daryl with a satified look. 

“that’s a good boy. one down, two more to go pretty boy.” daryl said as he kissed rem’s cheek softly. 

“alright, carl, i want you to fuck remi from behind while i have my way with him from the front.” daryl instructed. he enjoyed the control and power he had. he loved seeing remington being used this way. it made him feel something he hasn’t felt ever before. 

remington got up from daryl’s arm and moved to relax against carl’s chest. carl moved to remove his pants quickly before wrapping an arm around rem’s waist. he lined himself up with remington’s enterance before slipping in fully. they both gasped as rem’s walls squeezed around his boyfriend’s length. “fuck you feel amazing remi.” 

“please carl, move.” remington begged as his grasp on carl’s arm. he made eye contact with daryl who looked like he wanted to eat him alive. it caused a shiver to run through him. carl started to move a bit before going full speed. rem’s body jerked forward. 

“that’s it, fuck ‘em like the good cock slut he is.” daryl moved his hands down rem’s chest and down to his clit. remington’s legs began to shake from pleasure. he was already close to his second orgasm. 

“come on darling, i know you’re already close but you gotta hold on.” daryl grunted as his fingers worked wonders on his boyfriend’s clit. “hold on until carl says it’s okay.” 

“yes sir.” remington breathed out as he held back until he felt carl becoming close. 

these movements continued for awhile until carl was close to reaching his end. “fuck pretty boy, i’m so close. when you cum i want you to moan out my name.” 

remington nodded and waited until he felt carl release inside of him before he moaned out loudly, “fuck! carl!” he came hard again all over carl’s cock. 

carl kept remington steady has he pulled out of him. the two caught their breaths before daryl pulled remington over to him. “alright, one last time pretty boy and then we’ll take care of you.” carl leaned in to kiss remington softly before turning his attention to daryl for the next request. 

“okay, this time i’m going to be the one that’s fuckin’ your tight pussy while you suck carl’s dick. think you can do that darlin?” daryl kisses remington’s forehead. 

remington was overstimulated and breathing heavily but he was too far gone into his own submissive mindset to stop now. he wanted to please his boyfriends and do as they say. he was just their good little cock slut and he loved every second of it. “i can.” 

“good boy. now on all fours darlin.” daryl commanded and remington obeyed. he got on his knees and elbows, ass up for daryl while his face was inches from carl’s cock. 

“mhm, so pretty. you look so good like this, pretty boy. now come on, suck me off like the good mutt you are.” carl praised. remington reached his hand out to grasp carl’s lenght and started pumping it until he got fully hard again in his hand. 

daryl waited until remington put carl in his mouth before he pushed in roughly causing a gag and a moan from remington. carl moaned as he gripped remington’s hair tightly in his hand. 

daryl moved rough and quickly in and out of the smaller boy while remington struggled to keep his pace on carl’s dick. carl noticed and started to guide his boyfriend to get into a good rhythm. carl was now basically face fucking him. remington loved every second of it. 

remington was losing his ability to hold back. his body was hurting now from overstimulation and all he wanted to do was cum and then go to bed with his boyfriends. he pushed his way through as he forced himself to continue sucking off carl until his warm liquid hit the back of his throat. 

remington swallowed it all before pulling himself off carl’s cock. he looked up at carl with a sleepy smile. he was about to speak until he was cut off by his third orgasm that ripped through his body. he came heavily once more on daryl’s cock, squeezing around it. that threw daryl over the edge as he came deep inside remington with a grunt. 

“fuck darlin’, you really do feel amazing.” daryl and carl helped rem sit up. they layed him down carefully before getting up and grabbing a towel to help clean him and themselves up. they decided to wait until the morning to take a shower. 

“do you want to stay with him this time while i sleep on the couch downstairs?” carl asked daryl once they were finished. 

“nah, i will to-” daryl was cut off by a grumpy, sleepy remington speaking, “both. both of you sleep with me. one behind me and one in front of me.” he grumbled. 

“hurry up, i’m tired.” the two chuckled at their needy boy before moving to lay on either side of him. 

“okay pretty boy, you have us both.” carl smiled and kissed remington’s lips softly. remington was against his chest while daryl was pressed up against him from behind. daryl kissed remington’s cheek before getting fully comfortable.

“i love you guys.” remington said almost too quietly for them to hear. 

“we love you too.” they both said at the same time before falling asleep quickly. 

——————————————————————————

                  “He shoulda' never trusted you                you had me touchin' on your body.”

#the walking dead #daryl dixon #carl grimes #daryl dixon x oc #daryl dixon x male reader #daryl dixon x male #daryl dixon gay #daryl dixon imagine #daryl dixon smut #carl grimes x oc #carl grimes x male reader #carl grimes x male #carl grimes gay #carl grimes imagine #carl grimes smut

[sunnyie-eve]

1 | All grown up

Series: Odds Together

Paring: Ryan Dunn x OFC Margera!

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Mention of an abusive relationship

| MASTERLIST |

~

Today I was returning home to West Chester after living in Ireland for a few years and LA for a few months. I practically had to begged my parents to let me leave because they wanted me to stay close. I was the only child they had faith in actually doing something smart with my life because I wasn't 100% like my brothers. My older brother was in a band and twin brother did stupid videos for a living along with skating. I mean when I was young I did videos with Bam but over time I wanted to focus on other things too.

When my plane landed I didn't see anyone waiting for me so I had to called my mom. "So am I supposed to get a ride home from the airport by myself or did you forget?" I ask her as I take a seat in a corner.

"I completely forgot! I'll have Bam come pick you up. I'm so sorry. Can't wait to see you." She ends the call so I just sit alone in a airport.

I don't know how much time passed till I heard someone calling out my name, "Annabelle Quinn Margera!" I get up from my spot. As I get closer to who was calling my name I realized it was Ryan Matthew Dunn.

"Do you really have to yell my full name out? It's very embarrassing." I say as people were looking at us walking, sitting, or standing by.

He turns around to face me and his jaw drops as he blinks at me, "Bam was busy so he sent me." He gives me a smile.

"Out of everyone... he sends the worst driver. And busy doing what? Screwing things up?" I ask not surprised as we start to walk towards the exit.

"I'm not the worst. And haven't changed have you? Well, I mean since the last time you changed." He chuckles.

"You mean me being mature and not a child? And yes you are... the accident." I come to a stop.

"You can be mature and still have fun. Have you seen Ape? Also okay... lets not talk about that. Ape still hates me for that." He stops as well to face me.

"Yes, I've seen her because she's my mother, Dunn." I say starting to walk again till we get to the car.

The drive back to the house was quite till Ryan decided to start asking questions, "Why did you leave? And so suddenly to?"

"Other than schooling... just to get away."

"Get away? Away from what exactly?" He looks over at me for a second.

"Life here. Living in Bam's shadow, losing your best friend to his ego, your parents expecting you to do something great with your life, you ex making up rumors, fall-, I could go on." I stop myself from saying the last part.

"No one believed those rumors, Anna."

"Yes, people did. Bam did at first and so did my parents because they adored him. I had to tell them my side of the story and make them believe I was telling the truth." I start to get upset thinking back to that day.

"I never believed a word that dick said about you. I was always on your side, and the other stuff I can kinda understand."

"No, you don't. You're apart of Bam's shadow making it bigger. He's still your best friend because you have an ego too." I look out the car window.

"Why come back if you left to get away?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." My voice cracks so I try to cough it off.

"Bels, what happened?"

"Please don't. I really don't wanna talk about it. Let's just pretend it's because I miss home." I look over at him and he nods his head.

When we got to the house Ryan helped me take my bags in. As soon as my mother saw me she let out a scream. "My baby girl! Look at you!" She runs over pulling me into a hug. "You're all grown up. Such a beautiful young lady. Don't you agree Ryan?" She smiles at him while I cringe.

Ryan looks at me getting embarrassed, "Yeah, she grew up." He says making me laugh at him.

"Where's the demon child?" I ask.

"Didn't he pick you up?" She asks me so I shake my head and point at Ryan.

"Bam!" She yells making him walk into the room.

"That's not my sister! Who the fuck are you?" He walks over to mess with me. "What the hell happened to you? You grew up. Now all the guys are gonna talk about how hot you got." He says making me shake my head.

"Please don't say that. You basically said I got hot."

"I'm not blind, you got better looking. Now I gotta watch the guys because I know how they are. Now let me show you to your new room." He grabs my hand dragging me up the stairs. "It was a wreaked room because I fucked it up so I fixed it for you." He opens the door showing me my new room.

"What's the catch? Everything is too nice." I cross my arms looking at him.

"The catch? Nothing. I fixed the room for you so you would have a room. I had my whole crew help out. Don't you like it?" He says with a big smile.

"Thanks. Now let me settle in." I shove him out shutting the door. I look around the room checking it out to know if it's really safe. When I figured out it was I get comfortable and unpack things. Laying on my bed my stomach started to growl so I go downstairs to get a snack and see the whole crew.

"Who's the beautiful lady?" Raab asks eyeing me.

"Hello Christian, Brandon, Edward." I smile at them going to the fringe.

"Annabelle?!" They all yell my name.

"I thought you said she was coming soon and not as in today." Raab looks at Bam.

"Why did you think we finished up her room today?"

"I-I... Whatever." He shuts up making me laugh.

"Anna, what's your plans for the day?" Bam asks me.

"I wanna stay in my room but I need to ask mom for her car so I can go shopping to fill my closet." I grab an apple closing the fridge.

"Let's all go shopping then. Operation get Anna clothes. Let's go." He grabs his keys and the guys run out of the house. "It'll be fun." Bam drags me with him.

The drive to the nearest mall Bam played all the metal music he liked. I didn't have a problem with it because my taste of music was basically a huge mix of everything. Bam also asked along the way what size do I wear so I told them. As soon a Bam parked my shopping trip turned into a competition. Everyone was to buy whatever, preferably what I'd wear, and when we get home I was to try everything on. I'd then have to choose who picked out the best options that I liked.

"The rules are no asking for help. If you see her you avoid her. We start now and don't stop till Anna is done shopping for herself. Go!" Bam says and they all take off.

I walk into a store and automatically see Rake looking through racks. "Would you wear this?" He shows me a top that was ugly to me.

"God no, and you aren't supposed to ask me." I walk away going to look at jeans.

I end up shopping for some clothes but also shop for other things just to make the room more homey for me.

"I tried my best to actually pick something you would wear compared to Raab. Dude saw anything he considered sexy and took it." Ryan walks up to me with his bags.

"I had that fear and I gotta try on all this shit on." I groan taking a seat with him.

"Annabelle Margera? Funny seeing you back." I look up to see a few girls I hated back in school.

"I don't understand why it's funny." Ryan speaks for me.

"Because you just disappeared and here you are years later." She laughs then starts to smirk. "Baby look who it is." I turn around to see who she was talking to behind me and see my ex.

"Anna..." He eyes me. "What brings you back home?"

"I missed my parents and brother." I start to feel uncomfortable.

"Why did you leave in the first place?" He asks making the girls giggle. "Was it because you were embarrassed about what happened? Oh and did you actually come back because you tried playing a victim wherever you were?" He lets out a deep chuckle.

"Fuck off, you dick." Ryan spits at him.

"Look fat boy still has a thing for his best friend's sister. You two would be cute pathetic losers together." They walk off laughing.

"I fucking hate them. Six years and they still act like they're in high school." Ryan says not noticing I was quietly cry. "Bels?" He leans forward to look at me trying to see my face. "Don't let him get to you." He pulls me into his side.

"I came back home because of a guy I was dating. I thought I could trust him... but slowly he got physical. Controlled me and forced me to do things. I was scared to do anything because he threatened me anytime I didn't do or say what he wanted." I break down to Ryan finally causing him to hold me in his arms as he rubbed my back.

"Ready to go because I've spent more money on clothes and other stuff than fixing your room." Bam walks up to us. "What happened?" He gets serious.

"Austin and some girls from high school." Ryan lies to him which I appreciated.

"Let's go home." Bam says helping me up and we leave to go home. Bam told the guys we would do the next part tomorrow since I wasn't in the mood anymore.

Back in my room I leave the clothes in the bags because the guys wrote their names on it so I know who bought what. "Knock, knock." I look over to see Ryan in the door way.

"You can come in."

"Why did you tell me? You said you didn't wanna talk about it earlier." He shuts my door.

"I trust you still. You were the person I told everything to before moving away. I mean, I was gonna tell you the truth much later but you were standing up for me... and I was crying."

"It's good to know after six years I'm still your person." He smiles coming to take a seat next to me on my bed.

"You've been my person since I was 13 because that first year I hated you for taking Bam away from me." I say making him laugh.

"Can you imagine if we never got along because I can't." He lays back on my bed.

"It would've been hell because you were always around and still fucking around." I lay back too. "So we're lucky we got along. Plus your my favorite out of the crew."

#jackass #johnny knoxville #ryan dunn #bam margera #steve o #chris pontius #wee man #dave england #ehren mcghehey #preston lacy #jeff tremaine #spike jonze #jackass 2 #jackass 3d #jackass forever #viva la bam #cky crew #Brandon DiCamillo #Chris Raab #Edward Webb #rake yohn #raab himself

[batwingsrosa]

Why i will always stand with Severus Snape and why he is my favorite character

We choose our favorite characters- perhaps because they remind us of ourselves- or they embody certain qualities that we admire.

We choose them, because we recognize a part of ourself within them. Because something in their story made us empathize with them.

Obviously there are multiple reasons and they aren‘t the same for everyone.

Severus Snape reminds me of myself.

He grew up being abused and neglected- by his parents and his peers.

Ignored and silenced by other adults who should have stood behind him.

Being let down, by the only person he had a true connection with.

As a child he was beaten, cast aside. As a teenager he was bullied relentlessly.

This abuse shaped him.

Without the influence of a loved one, he was destined to choose the wrong path.

As a direct result Severus grew up to become a bitter and resentful adult.

Trauma doesn‘t just leave you. Once it has left its mark, you can‘t ever erase it. No matter how much you want to.

I was neglected as a child. Cast aside and abused as a teenager.

People bullied me without mercy.

When i grew up,i was bitter and resentful. I was mean and easily angered. I was broken.

I was were he was.

My past shaped me.

But i made the decision to move on. I left the old places and people behind and vowed to never come back.

Turning away from all that was what helped me start healing.

I couldn‘t even imagine what i would have become if i had stayed.

Many years have passed since then, but the traumas and the pain inflicted on me, will stay with me forever. They are what made me who i am today. I can‘t forget them and i can‘t make any of it undone.

And neither could he.

But he couldn‘t leave any of it behind. He kept his childhood house at Spinners end.

Where his father beat him and neglected him.

Where he was never loved.

He had to stay at Hogwarts- the place, where he thought he would be safe- but never was. Because from the moment he put his foot on that train, James Potter was after him.

Who made his life living hell afterwards. Because i quote: „He exists.“

He stayed where he was hurt. He stayed with people who had hurt him.

He kept himself imprisoned in a cage of guilt over Lily Potters death and he did not allow himself to heal.

Why do i like him? Why is he my favorite?

Because he is a part of me. He is someone i was before. And at the same time is someone that i could have been, had i not moved on.

I understand him and i can feel his pain.

Almost every inch of it.

When i was at my lowest. He was there for me.

And that is, why i will be there for him. Why i will be loyal to him and stand by him.

Always

#pro severus snape #severus snape #redemption arc #trauma #favorite characters #healing #mental health #always

[mybikeasmypride]

So, just gonna say right off the bat and get it out of the way, I ship Stolitz. Yes, it's problematic. But I like these characters, their interactions are fun/entertaining for me, and this is a work of fiction for adults who I'm sure are capable of telling the difference between reality and fiction.

Cool, now that we are at an understanding, feel free to continue on with this post, or don't. Spoilers ahead for the latest Helluvaboss episode, Season 2 Episode 1. Also, my thoughts will be written as they come so expect little organization.

I really enjoyed this episode, though, for as many questions as it answers, it does open a few more. The episode is broken down two three time periods: when Stolas and Blitz were kids, their first meeting as adults (or the affair), and then the present day following the events of the season 1 finale.

This latest episode did an excellent job (I feel) of re-contextualizing everything we knew about Stolas and Blitz's relationship without actually retconning anything. I myself had always wondered why Blitz was THE ONE person Stolas seemed to have an attraction for, now we know. I know some people were confused about the whole divorce issue between Stolas and Stella and I have some theories:

Following the affair, when Stella first finds out, Stolas is riding the high of being genuinely happy for the first time in many years of his life. He had a taste of true freedom. But we all know what follows that, don't we? In episode 2 of season 1, Stella is furious, throwing things and screaming so loudly it wakes up Octavia all the way across the house. The high of being with Blitz has worn off, and Stolas, having been a victim of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse reverts back to old habits and fears, cowing to his wife in order to keep up some semblance of the status quo. He spends a day with his daughter and realizes the divorce might hurt her, not to mention he still has societal expectations from his peers and family, so the divorce gets put off for Octavia's sake. It's not until Stolas feels he's lost everything, his daughter, and the love of his life, that he finally snaps and fights back against his wife and the expectations society has put on him. Damn the consequences, he finally decided to finalize the divorce.

On Octavia's end, it's vague as to whether or not she was 'aware' of her father being abused. I say that for a few reasons: One, she grew up in this household, if her mom has been doing this crap her whole life, it might just seem like a normal thing to her and her views on it may be skewed, and two, we never see Octavia at these parties her mom is always throwing, so perhaps she doesn't witness a majority of what goes on between her parents. All she knows is that her dad did something to rock the boat to where her mother has gone from her usual bitchiness to EXTREME. But even in that episode, we don't see Octavia having any sort of attachment to her mom, she's more worried about her dad leaving.

I feel this season started off great and I'm hoping for episode 2 we'll get an episode from Blitz's POV from his childhood, his fall out with his family and Fiz, and what pushed him to steal the book from Stolas.

While we have been given plenty of reason to sympathize with Stolas, I don't think it's fair to trash on Blitz. He is an imp. The lowest of the low in Hell's hierarchy. Imagine being looked down on every single day of your existence. Imagine being pawned off by your own parent (even if it is only for a day) to some rando rich family. Imagine that your best friend is more valued by your parental figure than you are. Imagine that your life has essentially been one failed venture after another and you just want to make SOMETHING of yourself. That is what we know of Blitz. He HAS to be conniving, and scheming, and stoop to some extreme lows because that's the only way he feels someone of his station has the slightest chance to get anywhere. And it's not unrealistic to have doubts about the sincerity of Stolas' feelings for him when his own dad didn't give two shits and his best friend from childhood became a “sell-out jester”. Stolas has neglect issues, Blitz has abandonment issues.

I'm okay with Stella being portrayed as a mega-bitch, this isn't HER story and some characters only need to be one thing to help service the story. She still has great character design and I am actually curious to see just how far she's planning to take things now that Stolas has thrown her out of the house. I mean, obviously, her brother is getting involved somehow, but we'll see.

Feel free to add or comment! Just try to be civil, please. :)

#stolitz #stolas #blitzo #helluva boss #helluva octavia #stella goetia #season 2 episode 1 #spoilers