#and this was mostly a consequence of what i am dealing with in real life

[copperbadge]

RE watching thoughts: I’m not 100% sure, but it might be that the whole “I am not my thoughts” is about engaging and identifying with your metacognition MORE than your initial thoughts. Because I get where you’re coming from - what is a consciousness but a collection of thoughts and feelings? But you can also have thoughts about your own thoughts that are more useful for dealing with whatever situation you’re in, I guess. (Random aside - every time I start thinking about thinking about thinking my brain inevitably starts thinking about Tiffany Aching and The Wee Free Men.)

I really should have replied to this ask sooner because it's going to seem like a non-sequitur now (this was sent much earlier in March) but I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I've been chatting with people about this and I think I understand more why there's an emphasis in some therapies on the idea that we are not our thoughts.

(I uh, haven't read the Tiffany books so I'm not much help there.)

I am coming to understand that many, perhaps most, people judge themselves, comprehensively and harshly, based on their thoughts. Perhaps it's just a lot of people who struggle with mental health, but given the commonality of the sentiment I don't know if I'd confine it that tightly; generally it appears that people cannot conceive of themselves as anything other than a binary of good or bad. So many people I've talked to about this portion of DBT, the watching-questioning-identifying thoughts portion, say that it helps to snap them out of a spiral of "I'm a horrible person, I deserve to suffer/die, I can never be redeemed" after they've failed at something, or had a negative thought, or reacted poorly to an unexpected event.

That is not something I've ever experienced. I mean, jokingly maybe, but not in a real, internal sense.

And that's not to brag -- I'm not saying I think I'm a good person, either, because I don't think I'm a good person. I don't conceive of myself in terms of good or bad. I never cuddle my cats and think "I'm such a good cat dad" or forget to feed them and think "I should die now." I have a perpetual morally neutral attitude towards my own existence; my thoughts and actions might trend me one direction or another but I'm aware of the temporary nature of that. If I fuck up I'll worry about who I might have hurt or whether I'll be fired or what's going to happen as a consequence, if I am polite to someone who didn't deserve it I know I was acting kindly in the moment, but I don't make an inherent moral judgement of myself based on that. And it seems like the vast majority of people do. Which you would think would make me feel pretty good about myself, but honestly...I don't know.

A lot of people I know who have ADHD or are Autistic have talked about seeing themselves as other, as alien -- like that one webcomic artist who draws themself with little antennae to indicate they're strange and different. I've always understood why one might do that, but I never felt that way myself, before or after the diagnosis. After all, let's remember, I was The Normal* Child of my siblings, and if I was The Normal One before the diagnosis, why wouldn't I remain Mostly Normal after?

* As ever, I'm using "normal" as a cultural term, to indicate what we think of as mainstream, not because normal is a thing that really exists.

My life has been relatively solitary -- I have friends and family and I love them but I'm rarely part of a large group, I don't spend a lot of time out in public interacting with people, I'm not a big socializer. Before the Adderall, I really couldn't be, I took too much psychic damage from interpersonal interaction, so I chose those very carefully. And now my DBT class has been a rare moment when I'm encountering contradictions to a lot of my assumptions about the way human beings in our society interact, react, and behave. I just...don't fit that mold very well. I think of it as having crossed wiring, not in the sense that I'm faulty but just in the sense that I'm very, very different. Not Normal. It's not exactly a bad feeling but it's certainly not a great one, internalizing the sensation of alienness.

DBT is proving to be a mixed bag but not in the way I or my therapist intended -- it seems to be either things I was already instinctively doing or things that simply do not apply to me. In one way it's disappointing because it means there isn't much help to be had (we're a little over halfway through the course and I keep thinking "Maybe next class will be useful") but on the other hand it's validating that so much of what I came up with myself as unconscious coping mechanisms is literally what I would have been told to do anyway.

Sometimes it's a combination of both, though, which really blows. I guess most people, if they reframe another person's actions, actually find emotional relief in that, and I don't. An example from the class is that if someone is rude to you, you can consider how they might be having a hard day, and be polite in return; that's great, in terms of defusing a situation, and it's something I do a fair amount of. But apparently it's also something that for most people results in feeling less awful about the interaction, and that's not the case for me. Which is why so much of DBT feels to me like lying to oneself. It's not lying for most people.

So, yeah. I'm going to finish out the course and keep trying things with the therapist but I suspect given everything, I might already be at "as good as it gets" in terms of emotional work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and there is still the option to try medication that could help, but I think there will come a point where I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of just how different I am, and how that has impacted my life. Might end up a good thing; something I've really been trying to resolve is unhappiness over being unpartnered and highly likely to remain that way, and at least if this provides a better understanding of why, then perhaps I can process that and put it to rest in a way I've been trying to do but not succeeding well at.

So, we'll see. But I find it both fascinating and kind of horrifying how many people can believe they are irredeemably bad, even if the belief is only temporary, simply because they had an uncharitable thought or impulse. It makes me somewhat grateful for the crossed wires, at least.

#sam has adhd #therapy #dbt

[hotchfiles]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ ❝ lay down with me ❞ ─ a darling, in any life blurb

pairing: aaron hotchner x reader. summary: the red thread between two people destined to be together may stretch and tangle, but those ties will never break. or: they find out maybe bars aren't all the same. content warnings: alcohol, suggestive talk. not proof read. word count: 2.1k

"were you... brushing your teeth?" yeah he was. and yeah they were still on the jet, but as soon as they got back to hq he would be on his car for the 45min ride to arlington to see you. he couldn't risk bad breath on your first date.

before aaron could even answer emily's inconvenient question, derek came in with another one "hair freshly cut too, anyone noticed it?" well he cut his own hair, it would be simply rude not to look his best when he so easily could.

he knew jj was coming in with something too when she passed by him, so he had to cut it out before "hey, enough. i'm meeting an old friend after work, just trying to use my time wisely here." his eyes scanned the room for the reactions and even though no one replied, he could see all the little smirking around and whispering between emily and derek mostly.

so much for a private life.

he's not the hiding type, if he's in a relationship he has no problem letting people know it, as long as that is it, he enjoys keeping the details to himself. and right now that's all he can really say about you, you're an old friend, just an old friend.

for now.

he was running late now, and very stressed about it. of course it wasn't the greatest of ideas to go from quantico to arlington by driving instead of taking the train, but he wanted to have the choice to take you somewhere else if you wanted to and to get you home safe when the date ended. he was also aware that trains didn't run as late as he might be staying.

he planned the haircut, the hotel shower right before leaving, brushing his teeth while in the jet, having his car ready, but god, did he not plan for the traffic he would have to deal with after 6pm.

but he's a gentleman, so he calls from the car system to warn you about it and he's nervous and anxious because not being present enough and being late or not there at all ruined his marriage and he wants to do better, he really really wants to.

"oh don't worry babe, i'm still enjoying my wine in my living room. thought it would be better to wait 'til you were in town to leave, yeah?" aaron hopes the loud sigh of relief he let out isn't so obvious to you, but it is. you find it endearing. you were reading essays still just minutes ago, you understood him.

you weren't very sure how well would you two work considering that. but you sure as hell wasn't going to give up without at least trying it. and definitely not without a fight.

"send me your location then, i'll pick you up in... twenty."

"uuuh, picking me up? look at us, it's a real date date now, curfew's at 10pm then, don't forget it." you make him laugh easily with that, your father was a strict man, sometimes you both went to the movies or the park nearby and if you got home at 10:03 was enough for him to sit aaron down in your living room and tell him all about responsibilities and how he was the boy and so he was supposed to protect you and ensure you were home in time.

"i am curious about what the consequences of not following the curfew will be this time though." oh he's teasing you now, as if this wasn't your first date and the implications of consequences weren't so... suggestive, to say the least. but he feels comfortable enough for that.

"guess you'll have to wait and see then, agent hotchner." your voice drips like honey and he's pretty sure he just figured out some sort of deep ingrained fetish he didn't know he had until now. "see you soon, airhead!" you laugh innocently before finishing the call and it drives him mad in the most delicious way.

he thinks those are the most torturous 27 minutes he's ever had to go through his life, but the feeling is completely overrun with almost childish glee as he parks in front of your house. he could fit the choice for a house instead of an apartment easily on your own profile but he didn't need too, you liked your space. apartments have no space. no privacy. he remembers vividly of a conversation you both had after your cousins were forced into an apartment because of your aunt's divorce.

he dries his palms on his pants quickly not sure if he should go to your door, stay where he is or what. he hasn't done this, the whole date ordeal in a while and it just got to him that he has no idea how people do it these days. what's too much or too little?

aaron finally decides on leaving the car and waiting near by, after sending you a quick text to inform you he was there. it was a middle ground of sorts, he felt confident in it. kinda.

it doesn't take you long to leave and lock your door and the sight of you immediately takes his breath away, your smile takes him back some years but your thighs remind him quickly that you are both definitely not fifteen anymore. he shakes his head softly, directing his eyes to a more suitable place for a first date: your hands. you were holding a flower bouquet.

flowers.

"fuck." he mutters to himself in frustration, "i forgot to bring you flowers." you don't seem bothered about it, in fact it makes you smile more as you hand him the bouquet in your hands. "you got these... for me?" aaron grabs the gift softly with both hands, afraid he's going to break it somehow.

"yeah, wanted to test my theory that you're still a sap." the way his eyes were shining and his lips turned into the sweetest of smiles were enough proof to you. aaron was always loving, caring, soft. it was interesting seeing him on the news nowdays, stoic, serious, unbothered. you wanted to see how easy it was to break him.

turns out very easy. at least to you.

"a sap! i'm surprised i got flowers from a beautiful woman, sue me." he opens the passenger door so you can get in, which you quickly do with a cheeky smile on your face, the gift is carefully placed on the backseat before he's back to your side, seat belt on. nosy as you are, you're already typing some address on the gps.

"i heard people talking really good things about this place." you muse while he turns the car on, already following the instructions. "apparently the beer is great and it stays open til late." he doesn't ask for any clarifications, if that's where you want to go, that's where he'll take you.

the food you've both ordered hasn't arrived at your table yet but aaron has already gulped down two large beers and is trying so very hard to not show how annoyed he is, it makes you laugh, hard. he follows, laughing along and shaking his head.

"who told you about this place?" he asks accusingly, you take a sip of your own drink and pretend you didn't hear it. "who?"

"i don't want to tell you."

"your students then. you trusted a bunch of twenty somethings with our date. pitiful." you don't reply, instead you just keep laughing to yourself while you drink. the place is loud. loud music. loud college students. loud busy street. you tell him that's exactly the type of place you would hang out with your girl friends to hook up back in london, his experience isn't the same, the lover boy committed since high school.

"how do they even get to know each other over this nooooise?" laughing at his annoyance only lasts so long and now you're the one not being able to sort through your thoughts, the food is good though, you both agree while munching on the appetizers that accompany the beer.

in retrospect you should've imagined it would be this time of place by the countless mentions of beer whenever a student recommended it.

"look around, i don't think they're actually trying to." you follow his gaze and notice that as the hours passed, the more couples formed and the less they were actually talking. exactly as it was in your own college days. "i'm a bit tipsy so i'll let my curiosity win, you never told me why you divorced the second time." it was out of the blue, you told him the first one wasn't that bad, conflicting views on family and you both married too early in the relationship. the second one was... harsher.

"bastard cheated on me." you shrugged, but it was obvious it still got to you, aaron could see it in your eyes, in your voice tone, and that had nothing to do with being a behavior analyst, and everything to do about how he just... knew you. "his whore also pressed charges against me when i wasn't even trying to hit her, she just got in the way." he chocked on his beer and almost had to spit it out after that tiny little piece of information you hadn't mentioned before.

"you have a record?"

"he made her drop the charges when i left the apartment to him without a fight. that's why i moved back to the states." he blinks once, twice. maybe he should be worried, but he also knew that could get a bit aggressive when losing control. just it always happened to terrible people. "i'm obviously joking, airhead." the relief he feels is followed by an annoyed face for believing such a lie, you touch his forehead softy, smoothing the lines so he doesn't look mad anymore. he takes it as a sign, taking your hand in his and kissing your knuckles, then your hand, and pulls you to him, letting go to touch your chin.

if he wasn't drinking the proximity would inebriate him alone, the way your eyes closed and your cheeks blushed in anticipation, he's sweet, lips touching yours with tender patience, much more patient than you, you who lifted your body just a bit from the chair and pulled him by his collar to deepen the kiss, almost causing a disaster if any of you fell over the table with all the glass cups.

you let him go just after hearing some snickering from the table behind yours, not blaming them for it, it probably looked like an awkward kiss from the outside. but it wasn't.

"that was certainly better than our first one..." you smile sheepishly at him, putting your hands on your lap, nervous.

"you blushed and gripped my shirt." he says looking deep into your eyes, making you tilt your head slightly, showing him your confusion. "it's been thirty years, you did the same thing... you blushed and gripped my shirt."

"so you're telling me you make me feel like a school girl."

"i'm telling you you've just acted like one." you take the comment as a challenge, getting up and taking your chair with you to sit closer to him, brushing your lips to his before going to his ear.

"you're drunk and staying over, so why don't we get a taxi and i'll show you the school girl." you can see the way his neck shivers at your little teasing, but he takes advantage of the new found closeness to kiss you again, with much more hunger but also much faster than the first because he's ready to pay the tab and get out of there.

it wasn't really that hard to find a taxi, being a night time neighborhood, they knew to stay around. aaron had your bag on one of his hands and the other on your thigh. your arms went around his and your head laid on his shoulder. none of you talked the whole way there, just feeling each other's presence and the alcohol twirling around your minds and your stomachs.

and you did show him you were not a school girl anymore when you both got to your house: you got him your largest t-shirt and pyjama pants, your coziest blanket and after you both changed and took aspirins to try and prevent the headache that would inevitably come, you got your pillows and went to the living room and laid on your big couch with aaron, cuddling with him as some tv show re-run lured you both to sleep.

it was almost 2am, and while you could take him to your bedroom and take his clothes off like you wanted to, you both knew it was the middle of the week, he had to wake up early to get his car, you would probably pass out under him anyway.

cuddling was more than enough for a first date. and at least for aaron, he was sure he wouldn't let go of your embrace anytime soon.

#lari writes sometimes #aaron x reader #aaron x you #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch x you #aaron hotch imagine #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner imagine #criminal minds x reader

[lover-of-mine]

Hi, hi, hello, here I am again to sound insane about buddie. First, is this speculation? A meta? A canon adjacent fic idea I don't have the skill to execute? Wishful thinking? All of the above? I'm not sure, I just saw a pattern and my brain came up with something very elaborate that I will now tell you about. Also, maybe read this first because that connection is the one that pushed this into place, and if you want more thoughts on Buck and death.

So, if you're new here, I live in a delusional land called they casted Ryan with a plan that recently added a neighborhood called did they tell Ryan Eddie is Buck's endgame? so I'm always looking for something to prove me right because I refuse to believe someone accidentally set up what could be the slow burn to end all slow burns, and I found an interesting pattern after watching Abandon ‘Ships and things escalated. 

But the thing is that Buck and Eddie's relationship is tied with the concept of death. Both of them have very intricate relationships with death individually, but together too. I was thinking about the “we might end up real close” as the very dark joke Buck was actually going for, with the way if that grenade had gone off, there would be no telling them apart in the blast, but it got me thinking about the way Buck is signing up to die with Eddie. They both walk into that ambulance knowing they might very well not walk out, and the fact that they did, is what makes them bond. The wording of “you can have my back any day” is very interesting to me because Eddie is not saying “I will take care of you” he is saying “I trust you to take care of me” and that's a real intense thing to say to the coworker who was picking a fight with you half an hour before. But they bonded over a promise of keeping each other alive that they were forced to keep over and over again. 

And a lot of major changes in their relationship start with a deadly situation. They could have died pancaked on that building after the earthquake, and after that Chris got introduced into their dynamic. The truck explosion had Eddie reversing into being a medic to treat Buck even though it made more sense for him to be using his strength to help lift the truck. The tsunami started the realization that Buck loves Chris like he is his kid, and also had Eddie explicitly affirming the trust he has in Buck. The well made Eddie change his will. That warehouse fire on Buck Begins, Eddie is the first one to Buck's line and he's also waiting for Buck after he gets checked out. Buck saved Eddie's life during the shooting, the will reveal also established how well Eddie knows Buck. They got held at gunpoint together and Buck's automatic reaction to the gunshot is to run towards it because Eddie might be in danger. Buck broke Eddie's door down to help him after his breakdown that was triggered by death, and Buck also had a moment where he thought he would be finding Eddie's body. And Buck actually gives Eddie hope after it all by giving Eddie a good thing about the situation that led him to get shot. 

We established this pattern, but I want to talk about the lightning in more detail because, unlike any situation before, Buck actually died. Eddie doesn't hesitate to go up what's basically a wet lightning rod to get to Buck after the strike even though he had been thrown off the truck, Eddie also performs CPR even though he was driving the ambulance, and it is Eddie shocking Buck that gets his heart beating again. It's almost as if he was, I don't know, welcoming him back to the world of the living? (Ba dum tss lol this is mostly a joke but please keep this in mind)

So we have Eddie literally bringing Buck back from the dead. But Buck is not ready to deal with the consequences and implications of what happened to him, which is understandable, I guess, with his relationship with life and death, but Buck not dealing with it makes it so Eddie won't fully deal with it either. 

Buck is a passively suicidal savior baby and Eddie is a widower. If Daniel didn't get sick Buck wouldn't have been born and Eddie is the last one standing. And that's a lot about how they deal with death. Buck acts as if he's not looking for death but doesn't mind if death finds him and Eddie is burdened by the people he couldn't save. And the thing with Buck's death is that Buck realized that he does care if death finds him and Eddie thinks that since Buck is alive, he doesn't get to feel the grief for the time Buck was dead, not fully at least. 

So they were at a very interesting point where Eddie is constantly around Buck, and is the place Buck runs to when he gets overwhelmed, and Buck is extremely off balance over the fact that he did die this time and he's not sure how to feel about it. But since Buck wasn't ready to look at everything about his death, how he felt about it, how it affected the people he loves, how it took away his coping mechanism when it comes to being in danger since his reaction was always “but I didn't die” or “I didn't get the worst of it” because he did die and he did get the worst of it, so Buck finds a safe place to hide where he can look at his death through the eyes of someone who wasn't affected by it. 

I was always curious about why the cemetery scene happened in a cemetery. Why Buck and Eddie are visiting the grave of someone who didn't die on their watch. Why a conversation about Buck's feelings about death and wanting to forget it happened, happened in a cemetery. And the location of the conversation ties the conversation to the concept of death in the broad sense that keeps tying Buck and Eddie together. Not considering the breakup aspects of the conversation, the cemetery scene is actually about Buck running away from the way death made him feel, he is drawn to this person who thinks death is cool, so he won't have to see his death as a tragedy and now I also think there is a layer about making Eddie realize he needs to let Buck accept what happened before he can help Buck past it. 

In the locker room, Buck is talking about death as something that got boring since it was all Natalia ever wanted to talk about. We will never know the original plan for that relationship, but considering the focus on her being a death doula, I feel like that was always the point, put Buck in a space where he can look at death as something that's not scary anymore. But the scene also ends with Eddie welcoming him back to the world of the living. Eddie has ridiculous survival skills, Buck survived a lot, yeah, but Buck always ends up in these life-or-death situations by accident. He choked on bread, the bomb wasn't aimed at him, the blood clots were a very unlikely complication of the surgery he had on his leg, the odds of getting caught in a tsunami are ridiculously low, and he got struck by lightning. Eddie was out at war, he was targeted by a sniper, he saved his own life on the well, and he tries to pull people out with him. He has now learned to live with the way everyone he saved on that chopper died, but he even blamed himself for the one guy he couldn't save that time. Eddie is not afraid of death, but he is afraid of being the one left alive. Buck on the other hand is almost afraid of what it means that he is alive. So Buck's passively suicidal tendencies, something that Eddie deeply understands about Buck “you act like you're expendable” are something that scares him. Because pre-lightning Buck doesn't really care if he is alive. And since Buck wasn’t ready to talk about what dying did to him, Eddie doesn’t know that Buck now may want to actually live. He doesn’t know that Buck chose to come back, that he fought for it. 

But if death is now something boring, Buck can actually do something about being alive because he wants to. He can actually be in the world of the living because he wants to be, because he believes he has the right to be. He can actually find a place where he doesn’t believe his life matters less. 

And when it comes to Eddie, with the focus on Shannon that we got recently, he can also find a space where he’s not trying to find her. Accept that she was a big part of his life, accept he will always miss her, and find something new. 

Oliver and Ryan have been talking a lot about vulnerability and Buck and Eddie leaning on each other, and with the locker room conversation, their relationship with death individually and together, the fact that the cruise disaster is on the horizon and while we know Buck and Eddie were filming in cruise and out in the sea they are barely in the promo of it, my own Buck will drown speculations (you can read about that here), and the general they will be in danger on the cruise feelings, I think that could mean Buck and Eddie are moving to a place where they could be a couple that works. There’s a lot of talk about the friendship aspect of their relationship and we’ve seen that a lot in the first episode already, but they are chilling in this space where they can talk to each other freely, and getting Buck to a place where he wants to be alive for himself not for what he can offer other people and Eddie to a place where he accepts the people he couldn’t save without it narrowing the way he deals with his relationships. I talk a lot about how Eddie overcorrects, and one complaint Shannon had was that he wasn’t all the way in with her, so he goes too fast with Ana and might be doing the same with Marisol because he’s trying to fix that mistake with someone else, but accepting that what he has with Buck is its own thing that works, and all he needs to do is be open about what he wants could be the push that puts him in the path of loving Buck fully, the same way Buck just goes along with things because he mostly believes he shouldn’t be alive, so why should he want things, so to have Buck get to the place where he realizes that he has what he wants right on his reach, he just needs to ask for it is ideal. 

I made this edit not that long ago, and it’s almost a poem, about how Eddie doesn’t think what he has to offer is enough, so he won’t say what he means, and Buck thinks he needs to settle for what he’s offered, so he won’t ask for more, and how that’s an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force, and they need to move off that impasse for that relationship to work. And being in the world of the living together and finding the little things that make them happy along with all the tragedy that surrounds them, can put them on that path. 

Their whole relationship is about keeping each other alive, Eddie straight up offers Buck a reason to live, why can’t they just find a way to make each other feel alive?

I said up there about how Buck signed up to dying with Eddie by going in that ambulance, and with everything about Buck, Actually (i recommend you read this for Buck actually thoughts about buddie) and how he latched on to the way Thomas and Mitchell died together after hearing about the life they had together, it's important for Buck to realize that point is not to die together, but to have the life together, and I feel like Buck is in the path to understanding that, and Eddie is ready to be happy, this could be it.

They could be learning to be alive together and finding out they want to be together.

As always, if you read this, I love you 💜

#911 meta #911 spoilers #911 speculation #911 #buddie #buddie thoughts #this came to me as i was trying to sleep last night lol #but yeah #i hope this makes sense

[ms-scarletwings]

The Speculative Analysis About Irkens No One Asked For: Part II

Hiya! Back at it again with not shutting up about the lil green dudes. In case you found this first, here’s the Part One of this spiel, touching on some of the environmental theories about Irk and its cyberpunk-leaning cultural direction. While this post is dedicated to a more biological look of what’s going on with the Irkens, there was some leading context and other tidbits back in that one you may also enjoy, too.

So, carrying through what we previously set up, I want to… admit off the bat that, I found it a little difficult at first, you know?-To pick an angle I wanted to sink my teeth into. With how old the show’s become and how creative & enthusiastic a fanbase it attracted, it’s getting hard to really note (or theorize) something about Irken anatomy that hasn’t been said before somewhere. And don’t get me wrong, that’s awesome and I love almost every word of it I’ve read. A lot of it from various sources is almost certainly going to bleed together into the first half of this. So, keep it in mind, yet I will try to chew a little deeper into the questions we can’t actually answer with just a rewatch of the show, all good? Because there’s a few more base things we know from the canon I’m going to include to start listing: - Irkens lack any visible form of nose or ears, but are equipped with a pair of sensory antennae. Presumably, these organs fulfill the same roles, as they do in real-world insects. - Irken organs are obviously very alien, not well explained, artificially enhanced, and hard to compare to that of a human’s- outside of their general body shape, the presence of a primary brain separate from the PAK, and the fact that they do possess something of an internal skeleton. - A petite race on average (relative to humans), Irkens universally follow an unquestioned social hierarchy based on individual height. - Irkens are endowed with a remarkable ability to regenerate and heal superficial injuries, even up to repairing the damage of being nearly skinned alive (chest-down) or severely burning their corneas within a matter of hours. - Their preferred diet is one that is rich in (if not primarily made of) refined carbohydrates, and while they seem to tolerate fatty sources, such as processed dairy, their anatomy is poorly suited for dealing with high-protein foods like beans and meat. - In fact, all forms of contact with exposed animal meat itself will cause it to dissolve and meld into their own flesh, via an incredibly painful process. - On contact with water from Earth, their skin will receive harsh chemical burns (This has been explained by Vasquez to be a consequence of impurities and man-made pollutants, which Irkens seem sensitive to). - While I’m already on a roll about their skin, it also contains/produces a substance capable of killing lice.

Now, I think we’ve all heard a lot about sqeedily spooches, but does anyone else want to keep marinating a second longer on the topic of s k i n ? Because I have some damn thoughts to release about Zim’s outer casing.

Let’s Get Chemical

First hot take, and the hill I am willing to be slain on: That ain’t actually skin! At least, it is nothing chemically alike to Earth-native vertebrate skin. I’ve given all of the above and the general running theme about Irkens resembling arthropods a lot of thought, and I’ve come to about the only conclusion I could that makes their dermis equivalent… make sense.

See, one of the biggest traits that sets apart invertebrates from other animals in real life is the “innie or outie” skeleton question, but you gotta understand that the “skeletons” that bugs and crabs have would still be considered something completely different from our endoskeletons even if they were on the inside. The hard tissues that make up OUR skeletal systems are mostly made up of a *collagen (remember that word!) frame that is reinforced by calcium, phosphorus, and other minerals. The hard parts of an ant’s skeleton, on the other foot, are mainly composited of chitin.

Chitin, now, is a very neat substance. It’s a polysaccharide, meaning that it’s made up of a bunch of sugar molecules chained together. This makes it distinct from proteins, which are made of amino acid chains instead of carbs. Chitin is also one of the single most important structural polymers in the universe to a ton of existing life. It makes up the literal backbone of arthropods and the cell walls of all fungi. We’ve even found it in fish scales and some amphibians. So, must also be important to humans, right? NAH. Not a chance. Higher animals actually long ditched the ability to synthesize the stuff, and are not any the worse for it, since there’s more than one way to stick a bunch of creature pieces together. For two examples, keratin and *collagen are proteins we naturally synthesize that functionally do the same thing. Keratin is the hard substance that makes up hair & fingernails, and collagen is practically the wonderglue of flesh: It’s a fundamental binder that holds together your bones, your skin, your precious muscle meats, the ligaments, the tendies, the nerves…

pretty much the whole person blueprint if you get the picture.

And thus concludes your (VERY overly simplified) highshcool bio class recap, but what the hell did that have to do with the cartoon spacemen again? I’m gonna round back to them through a funny secret about exoskeletons, actually: They have a softer part, too! Chitin’s hella diverse in its forms and utility. What’s in an exoskeleton is actually a version of it modified with other materials (like what’s done to collagen in bone) to make it so rigid and shell-like. A purer chitin, on the other hand, is more leathery and flexible, less like the shell of a beetle and more like the squishy wall around a caterpillar or maggot. Even the hard bodied insects still have an endocuticle layer like this hiding just under the “shell”, still considered part of the whole exoskeleton, but suddenly looking and acting more like we’d call a skin.

Eh, see where I’m going with this? My conviction is this- Irkens may have used to be even more arthropodal in an earlier stage of their evolution, including BOTH an internal skeleton, and some form of protective exoskeleton in their body plan. And hey, maybe the two were extensions of the same system once, too. You recognize something like that in modern tortoises when you remember that their “shells” are actually just the bone structure of their own ribcage. Then, let’s say that Irkens later saw the loss of their heavier exocuticle, leaving behind the endoskeleton and the flexible inner (now just an outer) cuticle of what used to be an entire body shell. This could have been a gradual change, via natural selection, or it could have been another artificial mutation brought on by technology- wherein the elder brains decided the feature was less efficient and simply phased it out of the cloning process- the same as the loss of their species’ sexual organs.

But, you’re thinking, why on Irk would the loss of an entire badass armor layer be beneficial to their fitness? Few reasons- For one, they are cumbersome and limiting. The downgrade on freedom of movement and flexibility they would be for a bipedal humanoid is self-explanatory enough. When it came to structural integrity, the inner skeleton would have already done a well job with little modification. For all the protection they provide, they don’t leave much room for expansion, and need to be shed in order for the animal to grow any further or to recover from certain injuries. The process of molting itself would be an excruciating process for any intelligent species to have to endure; one that also temporarily leaves the critter in a very vulnerable and stressed state for every molt. To advance from more primitive origins into a dominant race, manual dexterity and mobility would have to take a front seat over a small amount of modest defenses, and mind you, Irk long ago woulda managed to compensate for that loss in the form of advanced weaponry (obviously).

I’m also of the mind that the shift away from an exoskeleton could have even been the key to allowing the Irkens to even grow to the size they are now. Recall back to Part One for a second, where I shared the likely case for Irk having a massive bulk behind its gravity field. Gravity is a hard thing on any skeletal structure, representing a constant strain to be fought against when moving, growing, and bearing weight .There’s a lot of factors behind why we don’t have horse sized spiders or elephant sized lobsters IRL, and weight is actually one of them. Notice how terrestrial isopods only get about to the size of a bean, but the aquatic ones can top out at over a foot long? And that’s only having Earth’s level of gravity to struggle against, let alone however harsh the conditions would be on a larger planet. So, there’s my framework for explaining what I think the aliens’ cuticle is not; however, what does that mean for what it is, besides “feels and looks like a grub’s”?

Well, look again at some of the extraordinary things it can do.

Cooties Immunity

“Germs” was a memorable episode that posed a very legitimate question to the viewer. Why IS IT that foreign pathogens aren’t a bigger concern for the invaders? They’re literally sent off to other worlds to blend in: Socializing with the native inhabitants, eating their foods, and living in an alien habitat. In the case of an undiscovered rock like Earth, our infectious diseases would have no reference available to the Armada whatsoever. Sure, species incompatibility would provide some protection, but the risk of something carrying over and adapting is always still there. Zoonoptic jumps happen all the time with bacteria and viruses, and Zim’s body temperature IS in the normal human range. And what about fungal pathogens, or parasites-

Oh, wait, the lice episode gave it away right there.

I love this sequence so much, because it’s coincidentally like, an exact “art imitates life” parallel to something a real species of primate does. Black lemurs live in the same area of Madagascar as these vibrant, red millipedes.

The millipedes are special because when threatened, they secrete a poisonous substance from their skin. The lemurs are special because they like to grab the bugs and nibble them for no other reason than to make them release those toxins. Those chemicals are then rubbed into their fur, because somehow the lemurs figured out it makes a really handy mosquito repellant. The lemurs also like to get completely zonked out on the chemicals too but eyy- Point was it stands to reason that Irkens may also secrete small amounts of their own potent toxin from the cuticle, perhaps for more hygienic than defensive purposes. This secretion would be responsible for protecting them from parasites and topical infections. Could it also make people blazed out of their minds? …Maybe? I think I’d like to promote the “Just Say No” policy on the matter of licking aliens, though. Ffs at least ask them out to dinner first.

When it comes to other kinds of sick, looks like it might be the trusty old PAK to the rescue here again. I imagine that, being an intergalactic, partially mechanical civilization, the Irken race has come down this road enough to put in a workaround. A standard PAK contains the entirety of the population’s collective knowledge/history- which would include a catalog of all known infectious agents they have encountered across the universe. Some kind of nanobot-bolstered immune system that could detect and respond appropriately to new threats isn’t out of the question, nor should a feature that can automatically administer the appropriate medicine directly into the wearer’s bloodstream. For all this awesomeness, nonetheless, there remains a downside or two that they haven’t quite conquered..

The Meaty, Sweety, Mending of DOOM

Anyone ever actually think about how as far as resilience is concerned, Zim is practically an X-man compared to any Earthling? He has regenerative capabilities that surpass anything else on earth, save idk, bamboo shoots, if even. Injuries that would leave a human permanently disabled only seem to incapacitate an Irken for a few hours to a day at most. They’re all the more tough to put out of commission when considering that a PAK doubles as a form of backup life support, ready to “soft reboot” the host with a quick jolt if it detects a sudden drop in vital signs. It is tempting to credit the same device as the source of this healing boost as well, teasing the nanobot suggestion again; however, I see a chance instead to bring this back a step.

Although not as quick-acting as Zim, or Skoodge’s healing, there are some remarkable examples of regeneration in real arthropods, from repairing tissues/organs to replacing entire lost limbs. What the aliens are packing doesn’t seem all that different, only refined (through years of bioengineering) to work at a truly frightening efficiency. It shows through in their diet as well. Almost always, if we see a member of this species eating on screen, and believe me there was no shortage of examples, what are we watching them shovel their face with?

Space doughnuts, space popcorn, space Fun-Dip, sodas, and curly fries. Sure, there’s plenty of calories here, no doubt with the amount of carbs and grease that could even turn the stomach of a college freshman, but is this… nutrition?

Yes. Just not for us.

Like their civilization, we have also turned the mass production of sweet-packed, fat loaded foods into one of our favored art forms, and there are scattered pockets of our planet that can enjoy these items in cheap abundance. The catch 22? Obesity and heart disease. Meanwhile, Irkens are so metabolically blessed that they can follow the same lifestyle and actually be thriving by it. We know that the majority of human food is utterly toxic to Zim, but then there were waffles, a literal stack of dessert and butter that pretends to be a breakfast…. Our guy was experiencing the “finally some good fucking food” meme from the first bite off that plate, but this can’t seriously be healthy,or if it is, then how?

Well, if I did sell you on the idea that much of their tissues and skeleton swaps out a chitin base where we would be using protein, there you go. Sugars for the building blocks to synthesize the connective/structural tissues for maintaining the body, and the bulk of the energy required to keep it running. And I won’t make the leap and suggest that’s all they have.

After all, the Irken equivalent of sandwiches do actually seem to contain “lettuce” and something that people will say looks like meat slices while not convincing me. I can get behind the thought of the natural or maybe original Irken diet to be a mix of plant matter and supplemental fungi, but everything I’ve put together implies that they are completely unfit for processing the goodies in animal flesh.

Overwhelmingly, I believe that the only time they possibly even seek out more sources of amino acids is going to be when they are smeets. That’s how it works in many wasp species. I.e. The growing larvae are the only ones that actually get to reap from the hard work of a colony hunting down enough protein to feed them with, yet the adults live out the rest of their lives more than content to gorge themselves on nectars and fruits exclusively!

And you even could put that aside, but you’ll have to grapple with the ungodly thing that happens every single time you see Zim touching a piece of meat. Would be awfully convenient to blame it on his personal brand of weirdness, or earth contaminants, but we remember this was a weakness that Tak approached fully aware of and expecting.

We know that polluted water can burn them. We know that beans and other foods can give them grotesque allergic reactions. Well what in the horrifying name of Resident Evil is this, though? Buddy pals, I think we got some unintended consequences of that bio-hacking on hand. Collagen and chitin aren’t just functionally similar to each other, they are practically analogous building blocks.

For a WILD science fact, consider that there’s a ton of ongoing research into the application of chitin and chitin-derivatives into having a role in tissue engineering, as a hypothetical scaffold in lab cultured meat, and as an effective wound dressing ingredient.

What we’re seeing with incidents like Dib throwing that Bologna at Zim could be an extreme form of the vise versa, because I know a certain protein that processed meat happens to be pretty high in :)))

Imagine the coupling of this with the bioengineered genome of Zim’s kind being so… reactive to a foreign intrusion, yet also flexible to modification. Maybe it is the acids, or some contaminant/seasoning on the meat that first damages the cuticle. That healing ability kicks in, but doesn’t stop where chitin does, readily binding to and with the collagens in these strange tissues that are sorta like an Irken’s but also just enough not like an Irken’s that it also kicks the immune system into overdrive. Think of all the pain and inflammation of a poison ivy rash but if the damn plant itself could also fuse itself with whatever you brushed against it. I think Zim actually had an understandable reason to be homicidally pissed off for that Bologna assault. Also how the Bologna virus was accelerated in Zim’s body. Once it had incorporated itself into his own DNA, it was game set and match with the speed and help those cells had to replicate themselves.

And uh, yeah, I think this post has gotten about as long as it reasonably should be here. I did have a couple more points I really wanted to get out of my brain about the Almighty Tallest, and I think that would be a good launching point actually for a possible (and hopefully final jfc) part three to this. Till then I got some off-topic scoliids to taxidermy 👀

#invader zim #iz fandom #irkens #xenobiology #iz #scarlet talks about things #long post #we hyperfixating #absolute ramblings i mean holy crap #cool bug facts #sci fi

[nerdypatrolcollector-blog]

Human Connections in 23.5

This show has completely taken over my mind and I am incapable thinking of anything else. In this essay, I will… no but seriously it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a shown affect me this hard in a long time so I had to write about it. None of my friends watch this show so I’m relaying my thoughts to (hopefully) kind internet strangers. 

At its core, 23.5 is a show about the craving and wanting of human connection. It’s such a beautifully written story full of nuance and consequences but ultimately is about the choices the characters make for the hopes of making a connection and keeping it. Let’s take a look at it through the lenses of our 3 main characters, ongsa, aylin, and sun (sorry Luna we don't know enough about you).

The easiest one is ongsa, this is her story and her journey through finding family, friends, and love. It is very much implied that before she moved to Bangkok, ongsa was a very lonely kid, having trouble finding friends. The more she missed out on these connections the more desperate she got and the lower her self esteem was. Maybe starting to think that it was something about her that made people not want to be associated with her. Moving to Bangkok was her chance to start over. And in the first episode we are shown how those experiences informed her view of the world, constantly blaming herself for the problems that she faced that day. And sure the show plays it off for the shits and giggles but there’s an inherent sadness to it. That desperate need for connection to sun makes her do stupid things. Of course she regrets the things she’s doing, she’s human after all, but the alternative is so much more scary so she doubles down and digs the hole even deeper. However, there’s a light at the end: tinh, chaoren, real sun, aylin. It’s only through the extension of a helping hand from tinh, chaoren, aylin and sun (people who are also craving more connections, we’ll come back to them later) that pulls her back in. And guess what? She didn’t have to change one bit. They accepted her just the way she is. Love, respect and acceptance will come but they will come to a version that is authentically us. The whole show is a journey of ongsa figuring out that lesson. 

Aylin, my favorite little alien, how long have you been screaming for someone to listen? At face value it seems like she’s the only character in the show that doesn’t care if she makes a connection with a human. With her constant insistence of “I don’t associate with human” and air of indifference. But that’s not really true. She is perhaps the most human character in the show. She spends countless hours of her life trying and desperately hoping that there is something out there that understands her. She was betrayed by her own kind and in her own desperation to find a connection she looked outside to something that might or might not exist but it’s the possibility that keeps her going. What’s more inherently human than that? We as a society spend millions on exploring outer space for the hope that we are not alone in the universe. Aylin just wants someone who is willing to sit with her and wait.

Ironically, ongsa and Aylin’s situations are mirrors of each other. They are just two people desperate to make a connection with someone else. They just adopted different ways to deal with that desperation. We are all searching for the same thing. The need and want for human connection. All of us are screaming into the endless void of the universe hoping to find someone who understands and responds. But unfortunately for so long, ongsa and aylin found out that sound doesn’t travel in space. The worst part is not only sitting alone in our own darkness and loneliness, but feel like we’re the only ones doomed to see it. 

Sun's need for connection is pretty straightforward and is mostly focused on romantic love. Sun is so desperate for a romantic connection that she feels like she's been lacking for so long. We are still unsure if Sun has ever had a crush on someone before, but she seemed pretty confused as to why she was reacting to ongsa's presence (ma'am that's called lesbianism). She thought she found that connection with Earth and in a desperate ploy to keep that connection she makes reckless decisions that only end up hurting her more.

This ended up WAYYY longer that I expected, but I just needed to get it out there. Not sure if anyone cares about my thoughts but I am throwing my opinion out there anyways.

#23.5 degrees #23.5 the series #23.5 องศาที่โลกเอียง #ongsasun #23point5 #milklove

[blainesebastian]

diving deep

words: 1,609 ship: austin butler x reader summary: austin and reader work on the same film together where reader has trouble coming down from an emotional scene on set warnings: mentions of familial loss  notes: while i am taking requests, i am pretty much just writing where / when i feel inspired, hope ya’ll enjoy :) masterlist is here (along with ccg masterlist linked at the top)  tag list: @killerqueenfan, @austinbutlermischief , @elizabethrosecresswell, @gigisworldsstuff, @stylespresleyhearted

One thing that you’ve particularly enjoyed about acting is that you feel like you can step into different versions of yourself—maybe versions that would never see the light of day if it weren’t for a particular film or character you’re attempting to bring to life. It’s been one of your favorite experiences because nothing is the same twice. You suppose that should be fairly obvious, but you also know that a lot of people have the same methods when it comes to acting.

For yourself, you’re always trying to tap into something different, a new part of yourself. That can come with outstanding results and equally as many consequences.

You’ve always been one to feel your emotions deeply and you realize it’s helped you gain a lot of track record with your films. Your characters become very real to you because you tie those emotions to them—you realize there’s a double-edged sword to doing this. Those emotional ties can quickly become weights that are capable of dragging you to the bottom of the ocean if you’re not careful. Because you dive so deep to access raw emotions, sometimes it’s hard to come back up for air, to disconnect yourself when the scene is yelled cut.

It's been manageable depending on what the scene needs, what the film wants, what type of character you have until, well, recently. You’re not gonna lie and say these past few days on set haven’t been difficult.

You’ve been lucky enough to land a role in an upcoming drama-romance film with Austin Butler, playing alongside him as your characters grow, change and eventually become romantically entangled. Unsurprisingly, falling in love with Austin is easy—he’s so wonderful to work with. He’s been kind, thoughtful, persistent, and reliable. He’s dependable in reading lines and practicing and he’s always willing to brainstorm how to take on scenes together. He’s really a castmate’s dream…and still so early in his career. It’s nice to know that stardom doesn’t go to everyone’s heads—he’s as every bit lovely as you’ve heard.

It’s this scene that’s been really giving you trouble. You’re not reaching deep enough; you can tell with how the lines are playing out. You’ve gotten great notes from the director, Max, you’re mostly just annoyed with yourself that you’re not pushing it in the direction you want it to go.

“Don’t strain yourself,” Austin tells you over coffee before you head to shoot. “You’re givin’ everything you can.”

You’re not and that’s the problem. Sure, the scene has been turning out fine—but you don’t want ‘just fine’, you want excellence, you want feeling. You know there’s compelling dialogue but you don’t want that to be the source of emotion.

Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath and center yourself as you settle into the diner booth that this scene takes place in. Regardless of how you feel about it? you’re certain that this is probably the last time you’re going to run through these lines. They’ve got workable footage and despite you wanting to make this ‘perfect’, a film has a schedule to keep.

Austin gives you a soft smile once you fix your gaze on him, playfully nudging your ankle underneath the table. A wordless relax. You give him a twitch of your lips in return, before allowing yourself to sink.

In this scene, you’ve just lost your father to some shady dealings at his work, though you’re not sure what exactly happened. Austin’s character works at the same place and you’re begging to somehow get into his office to try and get some answers. There’s loss and grief and heartache and love and you’re trying to manage all those at once as your eyes gather tears.

Focus, concentrate, lines.

“Please,” You say—your character is not above begging but she doesn’t want to have to, “No one will tell me what happened, I just need to be around his things? Find some closure.”

If Austin’s character was teetering on the edge before, he’s definitely not now. His face swims with empathy, his hand slipping across the table to settle on yours, “Alright.”

A few more lines are exchanged, Max yells cut and Austin smiles as he comes up to the table. He leans his palms on the surface, giving both of you a onceover before nodding, “Definitely more emotion this time around but I think it works great for the lines and relationship already built up between the characters.”

Your instincts had been right, and God, while you know it shouldn’t feel so good to be validated? It does. Grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on the table, you wipe your face, giving Max a watery smile.

“Thanks Max,” You begin to maneuver yourself out of the booth, “I just need a minute.”

“Yeah,” He nods, “Take all the time you need.”

There are still a few tears slipping down your cheeks as you make your way out of set, your hands shaking as you try to ground yourself in reality. This is the consequence of diving deep, of reaching down inside yourself for core memories that will produce honest emotions. You just have to back out of it, slowly.

You close your eyes, leaning your shoulder against the outside of the set building, taking a deep breath in through your nose. You hear people come and go around you, working their typical jobs on set, except then someone hovers. Distantly, you know exactly who it is without opening your eyes.

“I’m alright,” You tell Austin quickly and yet your voice catches, as if to give you away.

Austin shakes his head as you open your eyes, tilt your chin up to look at him, “I wasn’t gonna ask—just wanted to know if I could get you anythin’.”

And that’s…that’s so nice without being overly pushy and you hate that one emotion just topples into the other. A soft laugh that wants to come out of your chest ends up sounding like a strangled cry and God, this is so embarrassing. Your cheeks dot pink and you shake your head, running your hands along your face,

“God, I’m sorry,” You sniffle.

“I’ve been there,” Austin smiles softly, leaning his shoulder against the set building as well. His hand moves to smooth over your shoulder, squeezing, “Difficult to come down from.”

Of course he understands and despite feeling that painful lump in the back of your throat, that actually does help. You shake your head, pushing your hair over your shoulder. You knew what you were doing when you pulled a scab off a healing wound, raw nerve endings now bright and sharp in your chest.

“I uh—I lost my grandfather last year,” And you have no idea why you’re telling him this, like you need to explain why you can’t get your shit together. “We were close and I guess I never really—” You let out a shaky breath, shrugging your shoulder, saying ‘got over it’ doesn’t feel right.

“Let myself feel it.” Maybe it was stupid to use that as emotional leverage, even though it registered the reactions you wanted.

Austin doesn’t try to guilt you or say that he understands, even though you know that loss is very much a universal concept. Instead, he lifts his hand to brush a tear track from your cheek, “I’m sure he’d be very proud of you.”

It’s the last thing you expected him to say and you don’t think you realized how much you needed to hear it until that very moment. A solitary tear slips down your cheek even though you’re smiling and Austin lets out a soft, affectionate noise.

“Come here.” He whispers, taking a step forward and wrapping his arms around you.

You find yourself letting out a breath of relief, eyes fluttering closed, nose and lips pressed to his shoulder. Not only has Austin been an incredible support system as a fellow actor but also a really good friend—someone you can lean on and talk to. You hope he knows you’re always available the same way.

You take a moment to breathe him in, the sandalwood of his cologne mixing with something distinctly him, comforting in a way that you can’t quite describe.

“Thank you.” The words are a bit muffled against his shoulder but you think he hears it; he squeezes you before pulling back.

“C’mon,” Austin says, motioning towards the tents in the distance, “Lets get some breakfast.” Doesn’t matter that it’s like, seven at night, but you kind of love that. “Think the next scene we’re shooting is where we’re fightin’—sure you won’t have to dig too deep for that one.”

A soft laugh escapes your chest and you shake your head, straightening your shoulders as you begin to walk with him, “Pretty sure the script says that I slap you.”

“Did you want to practice that, or?”

You grin, already feeling a lot better. You’re not sure he’s right though—from what you remember about the script orders, “Think a kissing scene is next, by the way.”

Austin purses his lips, “So you want to practice for that?”

You playfully smack his chest with the back of your hand even though you’re smiling (and thinking about kissing him).

“Just checking.” Austin winks and slips into the food tent to grab two plates, beginning to pile them high with breakfast items.

You feel that same flush heat the back of your neck and cheeks all over again for a different reason. At least you won’t have to dive deep in order to find affection and attraction for your upcoming scenes.  

#austin butler #austin butler x reader #austin butler imagine #austin butler fic #mccall writes things #got your ccg request anon #will begin working on it tomorrow hopefully?

[heyitschartic]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Ughhhhhhh, I took so long to reply to this, but thank you for the ask!!! I'm always happy to get the chance to talk about my stories. God, I've written so much shit that it's hard to pick, but like a kid with a scab, pick I shall.

5. Memoirs

Memoirs is just a silly little thing my girlfriend and I have been working on for the past few months about post-gm Taylor in Kennet. This story gets the number five spot not because I think it's bad, but because my beautiful girlfriend does a lot of the heavy lifting with plotting and characterization because I haven't read Pale. I'm simply there to add where I can. Lovely story, though, and I can't wait for it to reach its ending. I love stories exploring how Taylor deals with everything after it all ends, and K8 really is the queen of that genre.

4. High School Abusical

Alright, this was one of the first stories I wrote on my own that I was really proud of. This whole story spawned from a conversation with the absolute genius user Foxtail about how clusters are always so boring because people usually gen random characters that have no relation to each other when those existing relationships being twisted up into a trigger can lead to so much more fun. The main premise is that Taylor is in a cluster with the Trio. I really would like to get back to this fic someday. I had a lot of fun ideas I wanted to implement, and the way all these girls play off each other is so delightful. I was informed after the fact I got the way clusters work wrong when making the powers, which has really been the only thing holding me from continuing. I can't convince myself to write when such an integral part of the story is off. Maybe I'll redo those someday...

3. Self Implant

Self Implant, my beloved. Fun fact, this was a gift to K8 for her birthday. Bonesaw gets a person in her head, trying to take a crack at playing her conscience. Now, this might surprise some of you, but I really like Bonesaw. I love playing around with her, and this story is just an excuse to do that for one million words. Like a little bug in a jar that I'm feeding enrichment to. This story really just gets me excited. I really, really need to put some more out there, for my own sake if no one else's

2. Severed

Severed!!!!!!! A story about Taylor joining the nine and the consequences there of. Also, the only story I wrote that has the dubious honor of actually driving someone crazy in real life. This story means a lot to me. Severed was the reason that I first started talking to my girlfriend (she wrote the amazing AU of it, Soliloquy), and for that alone, it will always be near the top for me. I think this story is where I really kind of took off as a writer, started getting past a lot of the mistakes that plagued my earlier stuff. It still has tons of grammatical errors, hard to get those right when youre inebriated most of the time, but this story has a lot of my feelings wrapped up in it, a lot of myself wrapped up into it, which will always boost it towards the top.

1. Felix Fortuna

Felix Fortuna is the best story I think I've ever written, and it's not even close. A story about Contessa going to Hogwarts that was originally written because of how much I disliked what Ward decided to do with her character. I feel like you can actually see me get better in real time as the story goes on. This was a collaborative effort with three other amazing authors (Pericardium, Maroon_Sweater, and Poe), and I think it really shows with all the care put into it. It lands at number one for a lot of reasons. It's got some of the best prose of anything I've written, it's the most well constructed of my stories, I love every character from Fortuna to Flavia to Jessica and Angelique. But mostly I like it best because I, at my heart, am a massive softy. When it comes to it, more than anything, I want a story where a character I really love finally gets a happy ending.

#parahumans #wormblr #worm fanfic

[mdhwrites]

Luz's impulsiveness and lack of interest in other people's feelings in the face of her grand fantasies - and the fact that she is rarely, if ever, taken to task for it - is one of the reasons why I never fully got into TOH from the get-go. (And then the hype train took off and I got even more frustrated) So I thought that the direction her arc would take was realizing that "understanding" is a two-way street. If she wants to be understood, she has to come to terms with the facts that:

a) Her actions have consequences for other people.

b) Sometimes (not always, just SOMETIMES) she has to compromise on her fantasies for the good of herself and others. Meet them in the middle occasionally.

c) Other people are more willing to put in the work to understand you if YOU also put in the work to understand THEM. It's easy to blame others/society for being misunderstood/feeling like an outcast. It's harder to accept that the way you behave is not serving you or your relationships and some part of it needs to change if you want to grow as a person.

But from the sound of the finale (I haven't watched TOH consistently since the first part of season 2) Luz's arc is that she is perfect and doesn't need to improve whatsoever and everyone else needs to get on her level? Am I getting that right?

You are! And... Especially when contrasted with Amphibia, the reason you are is actually BIZARRE because both TOH and Amphibia do something different besides the normal teenage character form of growth... Kind of. See, everything you just described actually doesn't need to be the main thrust of Luz's character arc but it doesn't it mean that it's unreasonable to ask for. After all, just about EVERY teenage protagonist undergoes one form growth (not an arc. Honestly I need to do a blog smacking people about the term): Maturity. This is just inherent to where they are in life because they're about they have the proper experience to attempt to be mature but are still young enough to make the basic mistakes that come with learning how to be a person with other people. This is actually the main thrust for character for Aang, Katara and Toph in Avatar because, to briefly go into it, a character is about real change in a character. Something fundamental shifts in them. That's what makes it an arc because usually the process of changing that sort of thing is painful and takes time and does need to be more pronounced. This is why Zuko, and Sokka to a lesser extent, undergo character arcs that do genuinely shift who they are as people. It makes Sokka less misogynistic (because that was a part of his character before the Kyoshi) which in turn leads to him changing his definition of a great warrior which is a big deal to him as a person. And Zuko... *gestures at the whole sad boy* But maturity is more about refinement which is about growth. It's effectively the difference where in episode one a character might entirely ignore or not want to discuss problems that they're having but then in S2 they've learned enough and grown close enough to those around them to be able to actually talk about the issue and seek help instead of thinking they have to do everything themselves. This is where Katara gets her proper understanding of people and loses more and more of her anger so that when she is angry, it's for the right reasons. It's Toph not needing to show off as much and keep focus. It's the fact that despite the fact it would hit him on a personal level, if Aang hadn't found a harder, more dangerous out for beating Ozai... He would have been willing to kill him when in S1, something so painful would have immediately made him want to abandon the idea entirely. But none of these change the fundamental aspects of the character. That's why Aang, Katara and Toph mostly still behave 1:1 in regular situations than when they were first introduced because they're still kids and they have time to stop being childish or not because like Bumi demonstrated, childishness isn't a bad thing so long as it doesn't blind from the necessities and other people. That's how a lot of shows can have character growth while keeping their same tone because the core of the character doesn't need to change. Amphibia subverts this in S1 by explicitly making it an arc. Anne is a bad person at the beginning of the show. Period. She isn't just a goofball teenager, even if what she does doesn't make her a villain either, but she is manipulative, lazy, harsh dismissive, etc. because of what she's picked up from Sasha. But over the entire course of S1, we see everything that indeed changes her so that she is more mature, even to the point where if Anne HADN'T gone through her arc... The plot of S2 wouldn't function because she wouldn't be the heart at that point. It's REALLY impressive frankly how well Amphibia actually tackles what's happening in the background of these characters.

Meanwhile... TOH subverts by not having it happen. This is actually a little funky to talk about with Luz because S1 makes it look like they're doing what most kid's shows do. She's making mistakes rooted in being a teen and who she is and she's theoretically learning while fixing the problem and having hijinks. This is a LOOOOOT of Molly McGee and that's not a bad thing since I could also list off a dozen cartoons that are like this.

But I did say theoretically, didn't I? That's because of two problems going on. The first is technically not a problem in concept because Luz is part of a larger cast. Some of those lessons are going to go to other people like Amity, Gus and King. The main problem with this is that Gus doesn't matter and Amity's 'growth' is made problematic by the fact that it's more about retconning her first appearance than it is actually about growing because 'She was actually always a good girl. We swear.' This is why I still argue Amity doesn't really have an arc. It's not that something fundamental is changing about Amity, it's just that we're getting introduced to who she really is. (I actually have a blog specifically about this like I do about Hunter, or I thought I did, but I couldn't find it so have me talking about character arcs by contrasting Amity versus Anne) Either way, it makes it so that the lessons being learned aren't really being carried forward at all. Just look at how little Amity actually gives a shit about Willow post her lesson in Understanding Willow.

The other problem is the Fluttershy Effect as I will call it because that's where I first heard this. It's where the same topic gets addressed over and over again with nothing changing. Now, TOH actually gives few shits to having blanket in its episodes so the fact that it exhibits this anyways is really bad. Just look at Luz and Eda's relationship. In the first season, there's multiple episodes spent on "Hey, maybe you should listen to your mentor when she talks about magic," or "don't take shortcuts on magic." In S2, that shifts to "Trust Eda" because despite Eda not thinking Luz is weak and giving her substantially more freedom, there's still multiple episodes where the tension is Luz giving Eda the middle finger about thinking she's weak before going and proving herself, which was already a thing in S1 PLENTY. It's just now shifted that Luz isn't mocked into proving herself but being a mad girl. This repetition shows a refusal to grow.

To mature. The real capstone to this is effectively what the human realm becomes what she perceives as her greatest mistake. She ran away to another world and didn't have to suffer for the consequences for her actions once so she could live out a fantasy rather than actually having to try to grow as a person and relate to other people like she would have had to at camp. Her decision to stay in the human realm and never face the Collector, who she blames herself wholly as why he exists in the first place, is just another run around of that. Even if she technically didn't choose to come back to the human realm (in a moment I find frustrating when an episode before that she quickly thought up a complex solution to be the hero and save Hunter while in distress and on a time crunch but can't ask the simple question of "WHAT TO DO YOU EXPECT TO DO AGAINST A GOD!?"), her choosing to stay still counts, even when given the option to go back. And then we get to her character finish where actually... At first it looks like it's going to salvage itself. The whole process to get here will still have been bad but accepting mistakes and moving on is actually a sign of maturity. Camila has a GREAT point that is directly addressing a human problem for the majority of her speech that would have actually resolved Luz's problems and at least made it so that the show's failed attempt at an arc with Luz coalesced into something.

But it instead ends with the idea that Luz being understood is all that's important despite no one besides bad guys, at best, showing any amount of push back on her for over a season by then. The closest it comes is Amity asking Luz to STOP LYING. And even then, Luz doesn't face consequences for it for more than five seconds which gives Amity saying she doesn't want to be around her the feel of "We need to get to a more meaningful and romantic spot for me to a perfect girlfriend again." *hurk* And the attempt in general with Luz's character arc in S2B shows her just regressing as a person. Doubling down on her worse traits and then learning nothing because the show has a finale for the arc in mind and refuses to let anything budge until then. That or because they aren't really willing to criticize Luz as even S1 struggles to properly criticize Luz as it muddies its morals or just shifts Luz's perspective a little but that her heart was in the right place.

It's just a disaster and frankly probably one of the biggest reasons why if I had to say if TOH is good or not, even from a basic perspective... No. Because it's a kid's show that reinforces the worst parts of childish behavior, avoiding consequences, listening, understanding, responsibility, etc. and wanting all the glory without putting in the effort. It's a show that I don't think would make a kid necessarily a worse human being like Teen Titans Go might but... It's not something that will make them a better person. And TOH IS a kid's show. That cannot be ignored, especially when there are PLENTY of writing choices that are only acceptable, at best, from a kid's show in it. Not that TOH wants to admit it.

=========

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

#TOH Critical #The Owl House Criticism #Luz Noceda #Character Arcs

[ladyluscinia]

and okay okay okay i know you said you're done, i KNOW. but i've been discussing this with my friend and your post about how to rethink the kraken era and i think you could probably still do the leg with that if you made it, weirdly, more historically accurate? like. as far as we're aware, the real life israel hands was shot by accident when blackbeard meant to shoot someone else. that's why when he asked "why the fuck did you just do that" he got the nonanswer of "if i didn't they'd forget who i am"--because teach didn't actually have a reason to shoot hands, it was a mistake. you could absolutely keep izzy losing the leg as ed's darkest moment in a friendly fire situation--up until then he's targeting other people and is mostly mopey and neglectful and just not really a fun boss to the crew without being outright abusive, and then izzy gets shot by accident while ed is wildly ignoring gun safety and waving a pistol around on deck or something and ed. or izzy says "we shouldn't attack this ship, that's a terrible idea" and loses the leg during the attack, thus making it more indirectly ed's fault while still kind of being enough of ed's fault to make the plot go forward. either of those would be much more compatible with a "sorryboutyourleg" apology if you kept that or with izzy just brushing it off and moving on because he's knd of fucked up like that, because he could very easily compartmentalize that as not ed's fault. you could even get some interesting plot out of "izzy insisting it's not ed's fault and ed wanting to take that and just leave it be and also not being totally willing to do that because he does still recognize that it is in fact his fault"

(Post being referenced)

Yeah, an accident was one of the scenarios I was thinking could work if you really wanted to keep Izzy losing his leg in the story without having to deal with the fallout of it as something that Edward chose to do. Which has positives and negatives. It is easier and in-character for them to brush it into the past, as you point out, which might reduce the impact of it in the Edward-Izzy relationship. But the Crew-Izzy relationship using his leg as a point for them to all gather around and support was pretty well liked as an arc. Good addition of disabled rep, or bad look majorly disabling the S1 antagonist with "karmic" bad luck in what's still a romcom to everyone else? Things to consider.

Alternatively, Izzy lost his toe in S1 because that was Edward's response to getting pulled out of his hardcore denial/depression phase of Stede-grief. It sorta seemed like shooting Izzy's leg in S2 was an echo of that - what with it being prompted by Izzy confessing his love AND bringing up Stede again - but with everything else going on it didn't really hit like a true snap so much as an inevitability where Edward was waiting for an excuse. I do wonder if, in reframing Kraken Era a step to the left (no crew abuse / active pursuit of dying by mutiny) but still fundamentally as another form of avoidance via 100% focus on externalizing his pain without addressing it, that action as part of an actual "pressure has been building and finally snapped" point could still work?

It would probably need to be a real fight between them - something built up to where Izzy decides they need to yank down the curtains and address that thing they aren't talking about and damn the consequences, because the situation has become untenable for some reason. Maybe it is Edward spiraling into suicidality for real? Idk. I haven't actually figured it out, but I do think you could potentially go that way and have Izzy lose his leg due to a completely in-the-moment action that spurs whatever rock bottom moment Edward goes through in a way that doesn't feel like a premeditated strike or part of a pattern of abuse that we need to worry about repeating in less fraught circumstances. It would probably depend on how exactly Edward's mindset was framed, and there would be pitfalls to watch out for re: POC and abuse (and just sympathetic romance protagonists and abuse). Like my first instinct would be that Edward should probably pull the trigger for a reason that makes sense with something he's trying to do (even if that goal is clearly a mental health spiral like killing himself), not just to hurt Izzy. Again, things to consider both at a character level - how is this reflecting on Edward's characterization / arc? - and on a broader story level - what will this take to resolve and will it be worth the genre shift required?

I really just can't say for sure, other than, like, general writing advice, don't include limb loss as a character beat unless you have worked through the big implications of that with all characters involved? 🤷‍♀️ Which I do not think the S2 that we were given did.

And I guess dealer's choice for fix-it fics?

#our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd critical #blackbeard ofmd #izzy hands ofmd #tw suicide #kraken era #ask #changelingirl #ladyluscinia

[malimangle]

Pilgrim Aiden + Sentient Volatile Crane

AKA: I have a VERY long and convoluted explanation for how Kyle Crane could be a father-figure to Aiden that I shared with my two buddies, and I am now deeply entrenched in + committed to the bit. So I made father-son content, naturally. It’s mostly senseless gjfkdg

For this story, imagine that we open with Crane’s backstory. His perspective—this whole deal traces his life from Harran and upwards, his various fights and how terribly lonely he is as he travels through the slowly deteriorating world, searching half-heartedly for some half-baked cure for what he’s been reduced to. Like every other man on earth, buddy.

All the while, yes, he’s a Volatile that goes into a fit of what can only be described as insistent monkey brain at nighttime, but he’s still a man, dammit. He craves human connection, and as he always has, he wants to protect + help people. Unfortunately, he can only achieve the latter half. It’s a half-rate substitute for the foremost desire, but that doesn’t change that it’s better than nothing. 

As we go over his backstory, we view as he tries―and fails― to save a settlement. They didn’t listen to his warning about approaching Volatiles, and as a consequence, they get slaughtered, with many dying entirely and a solid third becoming infected. The lot of the survivors become Virals. He sorta leaves them alone after that, counseling the Virals as they, over time, begin to lose their human minds to the virus (there’s some INTERESTING world building where human facilities don’t fully shut down til at least a couple weeks into the virus, and Crane gets to talk people through the transition and watch them OFFICIALLY die.) 

Well. Some days later a kid comes LITERALLY falling into the settlement, provoking all 21 Virals, and Crane has to put them all down prematurely as they wail at him to just kill them so they don’t hurt this kid.

Aiden initially tries to run from Crane and actually gives him a run for his money, but Jesus, this kid can’t be older than 14, so when Aiden finally thinks he’s lost this ‘weird infected motherfucker’, that’s when Crane springs at him, lifts him by the scruff of his shirt, and--immediately uses his weird telepathy to essentially strip Aiden the fuck down for being completely fucking unattended in the wastes at ‘his age’ and demand that he goes back to his Settlement IMMEDIATELY.

(” Listen, kid--stop screaming, dammit, I get it, I know--LISTEN. Jesus Christ. I know I’m some monster to you but the real problem is the reason why your sorry ass is out here ALONE! What the hell are you doing, kid!?”

“...What the fuck are you????”)

Just imagine Aiden hanging there, mid-air, goggling at this fucking Volatile-adjacent man who is standing in broad daylight and chastising him after chasing him several hundred meters.

“I don’t know what fucking girl you were sweet on here, but I guarantee she’s dead now, and I guarantee that going to have a fucking booty call with her in this day and age is NOT worth your goddamn death. Go HOME.”

Eventually Aiden scrambles together some brain cells thru the shock and he ends up squawking, the picture of baffled indignance, “What the hell are you--I don’t fucking BELONG ANYWHERE, let GO of me, asshole!”

Yeah. Crane initially finds that very hard to believe, but eventually as their conversation continues, he’s forced to accept that, no, Aiden’s fucking serious. He sorta…bluescreens over it. What the hell, he thinks. This 13 year old kid only comes up to my fucking elbow, and he’s out here alone??? Trying to ‘find his sister??’ You must be joking. No way in hell am I leaving this little guy to his own devices.

So, obviously, Crane wants to take Aiden to a settlement to settle in and not be in the wastes anymore, because he knows trying to find anyone in this day and age is a Fool’s Errand, especially someone you haven’t seen in a solid decade. 

He feels a bit bad about it, but mostly has zero qualms about telling Aiden so, to which Aiden is like “fuck you no” but either way, Crane eventually “succeeds” in cajoling Aiden into talking to a Settlement. Problem is--Crane didn’t actually succeed. Aiden KNOWS this Settlement is Hostile to Pilgrims. Crane didn’t accept Aiden’s claim that they’d be mean to him because he’s not REALLY a pilgrim (yes he is—Crane doesn’t believe it! The fucking nerve!) and like…”wHoS gOiNg To Be CrUeL tO a KiD, AiDeN??”

Yeah, I’m sure we can guess Aiden’s plan, here. Crane, however, is blissfully unaware of the can of bullshit Aiden’s about to open. This is not going to be softened at all by the fact that, during the travel to the settlement, Aiden and Crane kinda become grudging pals (grudging in that Aiden is softening to Crane over time and VERY angry about it, and Crane is endlessly exasperated by Aiden’s teenagism but also unwillingly(!!) amused by it.)

Soon enough, we’ve got our day of Reckoning. They reach the bigger Settlement. As we and Aiden both expect, they are immediately hostile to Aiden when he reveals he’s a pilgrim—and our poor, previously unaware Crane, in turn, immediately realizes Aiden wasn’t being dramatic, actually, and tries very hard to get Aiden to get the hell out of there and come back over to him without revealing himself to the settlers, because showing himself would cause a panic. Guess who isn’t aware of that because he’s a dumb thirteen year old and the novelty of Crane wore off, like, a week ago? Ding ding ding. It’s Aiden. 

Yeah, so, with rising hysteria Crane is trying to get Aiden to bail. Alas, the teenager in Aiden is coming out HARD and, wanting to REALLY prove his point to Crane, who has NOT been listening to his judgment at ALL, Aiden is very showy about calling out to the settlement guards and basically begs for a crossbow bolt between the eyes while Crane literally screams at him mentally. 

Right, so. Consequences, here we come. Aiden is so busy being a jerkoff thirteen year old that he’s completely blindsided when one of the Settlers does, indeed ACTUALLY shoot Aiden, right in the front of the shoulder.

A stunned silence. The Settlers look amongst each other, wide-eyed and quiet, but then--as one--almost immediately they decide to commit to the bit. Ohhhh FUCK.

Crane doesn’t even hesitate once that group-decision becomes clear— with some unholy shriek, he leaps into action, and not only swipes the guards off the wall, but flings himself off the wall and seizes Aiden by the middle, loping both of them off into the distance while Aiden screams and shouts for multiple reasons, kicking his dumb little feet. 

They have an argument as Crane runs from the Infected he’s accidentally sent into a frenzy between his sudden energy and the smell of Aiden’s blood, and Crane doubles down—he’s like, kid, some people are just assholes, not everyone is like that and no one’ll turn away a KID--especially not one who’s bleeding profusely from the shoulder, now, Jesus Christ, we got to sit down and take care of that soon--and Aiden tells him once more, this time with incredulous insistence, that no, he hadn’t been kidding before and wasn’t kidding now, EVERY fucking settlement this way is hostile as hell to Pilgrims, and after the scene HE made, they were probably going to be on the lookout!

Crane doesn’t want to believe it, but now that truth is starting to actually dawn on him, and he’s just not ready for it. Instead, they eventually lose the Chase and Crane props up Aiden on a car to help him clumsily patch up as best as he can with the materials he’s got on hand from previous finds in hospitals and clinics along the road.

Obviously, it’s a pretty hackneyed job―especially since Aiden botches the fuck out of pulling out the arrow and he can’t give himself stitches. Unnoticed, while Aiden thrashed in pain over the arrow removal, he scrapes the fuck out of his shoulders on the rusty ass car door and gets some minor abrasions—IMPORTANT LATER. 

Story marches on. Crane tries to prove Aiden wrong about people being jerks to teenage pilgrims, but it’s pretty obviously a doomed venture when they reach settlement after settlement, and one by one, all of them box Aiden out. Crane gets increasingly frustrated, which comes to a head when he comes raring out and YELLING at the guards who won’t take Aiden in despite his injuries after the twelfth turn-away, which results in a BIG conflict that ends with Crane breaking in, wrecking some shit, and carting Aiden away over his shoulder. 

Well, Crane’s meltdown is just the precursor to Aiden blowing up on him, because Crane has only JUST understood what Aiden’s been telling him the whole fucking time! Listen--Aiden’s not sure WHY Crane has been so obstinate about getting him into a settlement, but what he DOES know is that he’s in pain, he’s thirsty, his shoulder and head are killing him, he hasn’t eaten in days, and he’s VERY pissed at Crane. So. While Crane tries to find them a place to hole up for the night and check in on Aiden’s shoulder, they get INTO IT.

This is The Fight. Where Aiden hammers home his goals, and how Crane can’t change his mind. This is the broad strokes of how it goes—this is NOT the dialogue, but essentially what is said:

“It’s not my fault you think it’s stupid, and it’s not my fault you don’t have a Fucking goal.”

“You don't think I have a goal? What do you think I’ve been doing this whole time!? Fuck, kid—I’ve been traveling with you for over a month, you think I’ve just been doing that for the hell of it? I want you to be SAFE!” 

“and I’m TELLING you that I REFUSE to be safe until I see this through, and there’s JACK SHIT you can do about it! Either you’re with me, or against me, and there is zero fucking in between. So save yourself the trouble and just LEAVE already! I know you’ve been dying to get rid of me anyway! (stroke of abandonment issue—Crane trying to foist Aiden upon settlements has come across, to him, as an adult he grudgingly trusts trying to abandon him. He thinks Crane is eager to get rid of him)” 

“I’m not—what?! Aiden, I’m NOT fucking leaving you, you’re injured and I happen to give a shit about you! You think I want to up and fucking dump you somewhere, that I’d just leave you for dead like this?! Are you joking?! (Crane has misunderstood, a little, but he sounds so earnest here that it throws Aiden off)”

“Well—! If you really gave a shit the way I NEED you to, you’d know just how fucking important Mia is to me, and you wouldn’t tell me over and over again that my one goal in life, my one reason for LIVING, is STUPID. You’ve been nothing but an asshole about this the entire Fucking time and I’m sick of it!” 

“… (Crane, being the adult, realizes Aiden is right and accepts ownership of his relentless, though inadvertent assholery) …You’re right, kid. I HAVE been an asshole about this. But fuck, man, look around you. EVERYONE is dead. I have lost so many people, people that meant the world to me, and if that’s pain I can get you to avoid—especially when pursuing it might KILL YOU, I just…I wanted to try.” 

“And I want to know what happened.” 

“(Crane realizes getting Aiden to give up on this is going to take a lot more time than a single month, and uneasily settles into ‘agreeing’ to help him, because this is stupid but he cares enough about this punk ass kid to want to stick around.) Okay. Alright. Fine. Then I’ll help you find her. For real, this time.”

With that cleared, they finally chill the fuck out. Crane awkwardly leaves Aiden to mope it out while he goes and gets them dinner, because Aiden hasn’t eaten in awhile and he needs sustenance. He goes and manages to take down a couple rabbits, raids a nearby settlement for veggies bcus they pissed him off, and Crane goes back to Aiden to find the kid miserably dozing in the big master’s bed, smelling like he’s in pain. He clumsily makes a rabbit stew and brings it to Aiden, who says in a surly tone, “I’m not hungry.”

Initially Crane assumes Aiden’s doing that classic teenager thing and—since he’s still feeling like an asshole about earlier—he’s gentle with it. He’s like, “Aiden, listen, dude. I know you’re probably pissed off. I would be pissed, hell, I’d be fucking livid if I were you. But even if that’s true, in this day and age, it’s never a good idea to refuse hot food. You can glare daggers at me the whole time, but please just eat something.”

To which Aiden says, with appropriate shame and a much softer face, “Yeah, you got me, I’ve done that before, but I’m not being a hardass for funsies right now.” He sounds a little troubled as he admits, “I’m actually not hungry.”

“Aiden, you’ve barely eaten these last couple days. I want to believe you, kid, but you’re a teenager--there’s no way in hell you’re not hungry, unless somethings wrong.” The rising anxiousness in Crane’s tone prevents Aiden’s hackles from going up entirely, so he just snips, 

“Didn’t we just argue about you not fucking listening to me? I’m serious, I really don’t want to eat right now.” 

Crane’s heart hammers a bit, “…Do you think something might be wrong?”

“My head just hurts, and my stomach’s in knots, probably over the argument.” Crane feels a distinctly hard twinge of guilt. “I just don’t like fighting. This is  probably nothing special. I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning.”

Crane eventually cajoles Aiden into eating—he pushes the stew around and manages to get down like half of it, which just worries Crane more. He puts it up in the miraculously still-working fridge and goes to settle for the night. Well. Some hours later—when it’s 2am and Crane’s still in stupid-mode (remember: that’s how he is as a Sentient Volatile—he doesn’t get bloodlust. Stupid Insistent Monkey Brain because I can’t handle violent Crane), he’s woken by the sound of his kid hurling over the side of the bed. 

He lopes into the room in a hurry like “!!! What ! The fuck ! hurt?!” and Aiden tries to wave him off like “I just don’t think the rabbit sat well with me.” But he’s trembling, sweating, listing a little bit, and pale as fuck. Crane immediately feels his face—he’s sodden with sweat, and boiling. Oh fuck, he’s feverish. He goes to manhandle Aiden out of the blankets and curls his hand carefully around Aiden’s injured shoulder, avoiding the front—but when he grabs the back of Aiden’s shoulder, the kid nearly Fucking convulses. 

Oh fuck.

Remember that scrape he got on his back from the rusty car door when he pulled the arrow out of the front of the shoulder? 

Yeah. Turns out one of the scrapes was a proper cut, and it got infected with bacteria. Aiden missed it because he doesn’t have eyes back there and, yknow, the front of his shoulder was in such overwhelming pain, and Crane missed it because he was so fixated on the front too. But now there’s visible pus in it and even though Crane is still in stupid-mode, he’s still got the faculties to think to himself a very emphatic, “Fuck.”

He’s like “we need! Pills! Medicine!” and Aiden’s like “so long as it’s not penicillin it’s fine” and Cranes like “?!?!? WHAT.” to which Aiden explains that, for some godforsaken reason, he’s allergic as hell to the one (1) antibiotic that is still around in abundance—penicillin. Cranes like “where! The fuck!! Am I gonna find an antibiotic that’s NOT ! Penicillin! Fuck!”

They start with the first Crane finds—Doxycycline hyclate. It was manufactured in 2022 — it’s 2032. Unfortunately, they don’t really do shit. They went over the expiry for them, and though SOME might still be effective, ultimately they just barely make a dent in the infection. Things are starting to look dire, and the area is starting to clog up with migrating infected and bandits, so they gotta move. 

Crane ends up rigging together, basically, a baby carrier for his back to keep Aiden hoisted securely on him using bungee cords and other materials he raids from a hiking store in a Volatile Hive mall. By this point, Aiden is so feverish he can barely speak, much less travel. So he gets Aiden secured, grabs their shit, and in a last ditch effort makes it to a Very large hospital-turned-hive, and basically sets Aiden up in a room, secures it, and fucking destroys all of the Infected in there while staying in tune with Aiden’s struggling heartbeats and deteriorating mind. 

Eventually the hospital is secure, Crane reboots the UV lights to keep the nasties out, and rifles through what remains. Blessedly, he finds not only proper I.V needles and fluid, but ALSO Ciprofloxacin, which can last 142 months after expiry before it really is dangerous. It was made in June 2024– it’s February 2032. Only 92 months, well within the limit. 

He sets Aiden up with the IV, and with the antibiotics―which he very carefully coaxes the boy into swallowing. By the time Aiden takes these, he’s dangerously close to death’s door, and not altogether there. So at some point he wakes in a hospital room, with shit shoved in his arm, very disoriented, woozy, and hot.

So. Very understandably he loses his absolute fucking shit. Which gives me the opportunity for some VERY heart-wrenching whumpy bullshit wherein Crane gets to cradle a very-nearly wailing Aiden and calm him down from, essentially, a post-traumatic meltdown. Just like I wish my parents woulda done with me, hahaha. 

Jesus Christ.

Well. Anyway. Between the IV keeping him hydrated, the antibiotics finally working to fight the infection and compounding on the mild effect the previous ones had, and the comfortable bed, Aiden’s condition does rapidly improve. By the time two days go by, the fever finally diminishes enough for Aiden to be fully coherent. He’s still absolutely miserable, but at least he’s back with it, right? Mmn. It would be nice if he didn’t have to contend with Crane’s deep and almost frantic doting concern, which was exponentially worsened by his flip-out over simply being in a hospital bed. 

Eventually: “So you, uh…I didn’t want to bring it up too fast, but I don’t know if you remember―you had a pretty strong reaction to being in a hospital bed, buddy. What uh. What’s going on there?”

Aiden puts down his comic book and squeezes his eyes shut. Fuuuck. 

So they’re having this conversation. Awesome. Well. Crane just saved his absolute dick and ass, and went above and beyond to care for him. And like…the guy’s alright. He’s clearly in this for the long haul, so Aiden guesses he sorta owes the dude the full explanation. So he gets into it. Talking about the experiments Waltz was running on the GRE’s dime for some fucking reason, and all the awful shit he was put through. 

Crane is.

AGHAST. 

 ...I’m not even going to comment on,, all of THAT, because there’s jack shit I can say to--well. Y’know. Just, holy fuck. Holy fuck. But uh. Make no mistake kid―not your fault, I don’t judge you for that―I mean, look at me, how am I gonna judge someone?--and--and those people fucking suck. I hope you know you’re getting babied forever now though. Fuck, dude.”

“...”

“ᴺᵃᶦˡᵉᵈ ᶦᵗ”

“Ur not my fucking dad, Crane.”

“Yeah, I’m glad! I got a bone to pick with that dude.”

“Jesus. Whatever, look―is babying me going to involve that weird baby carrier thing you were doing the other day?”

“...Holy shit, you remember that?”

It does, indeed, entail the baby carrier thing, though admittedly it’s more for the hell of it. They both come to realize that Crane can travel a helluva lot faster than Aiden can, and if they can trade off on who’s leading, they can travel way farther and waste less time. So they develop a routine―during the day, Crane helps Aiden scavenge―goes where Aiden cannot―while Aiden works on gathering info on his sister and Waltz, does errands, and basically does life maintenance. 

By the time sunset rolls around, Aiden and Crane pack up, strap Aiden to his back, pad him a lil bit, and essentially just let Stupid Brain Crane jettison through the night and get his zoomies out with Aiden secured to him. Aiden comes to sleep exceptionally well whilst having the Fuck shook out of him, and only really sleep good when Crane’s there. 

Aiden pretends to hate the baby carrier--he tries real hard. Crane figures out pretty quick that he's full of shit. He lets it alone tho lol

Wintering is kinda cute―they make, essentially, a gigantic soft nest to appeal to Crane, and they essentially hibernate together. Just like that, Crane acquires the human connection he craves and like, a weird quirked-up whiteboy of a son. And Aiden gets an adult who protects him and loves him like their own, giving him a parent. So cute. Wow. Love it. 

So obviously this gets a little fucked up once they get to Villedor almost nine years later. Aiden’s 21 now, going on 22. 

Crane has to make a very tough call―he’s not…going into the city with Aiden. At first, Aiden’s really betrayed―he came this far, just to leave him behind here? What the fuck? Crane quickly explains that he’d love to stay with Aiden, but this is a city full of people. There’s no way in hell Crane can fly under the radar here, and…Aiden has finally found where Mia is. But he won’t find her without acceptance from the locals. And the thought that Crane could fuck that up for him without even trying? Hell no. Crane couldn’t bear it.

And, well…Aiden can’t really argue with that. He wants to, desperately, because Crane’s been by his side for like, a third of his life! The thought of being apart from him after all this time feels weird, wrong, and anxiety-inducing. For BOTH of them. So Crane’s quick to assure― 

“Don’t worry, kid. I’m not going to up and lope off into the fucking sunset. You know this radio station we’re in, right now? I’ll just roost here. Make a nice nest and everything. And when you find her, and when you’re ready to either leave or stay, you can just come visit whenever. I’ll work on clearing the metro and putting in UV lights if you leave me any, just so your path out stays open, alright?”

“...And you’ll stay on the radio?” Aiden asks in this small voice. 

“Kid… you know I can’t actually talk, right? All I’ve got is this weird mind-link shit, and once you’re out of range, well…”

“But I can talk to YOU. And you―you can do clicks and stuff, yeah? I’ll just ask yes or no questions―two clicks for yes, one for no.”

And hey, that works. They get Crane set up, and while Aiden sets up the bed and gets ready to sleep for the night, Crane scopes out the metro at sunset and goes apeshit on the Volatiles in there. Sets up some UV lights and secures the area, if only so his boy doesn’t get his ass handed to him. Heads back. Now they usually share the bed―Crane’ll be a warm wall of flesh behind Aiden, cover his back and all. They usually reserve the Whole Ticket for winter when it's too damn cold.

For this last night, they indulge in the winter cuddle. Aiden curls up straight in Crane’s lap, head tucked into his neck, and basically sleeps sprawled across the guy’s chest.

As Aiden sleeps, Crane actually cries a little. Softly, with tear ducts that don’t work anyway. He’s really going to miss this kid, and the reality of not seeing him for awhile―possibly not ever again, if Aiden’s unlucky enough―is really starting to hit the dude. 

It’s hard to let him go the next day, but he knows this means the world to Aiden, so he doesn’t say a word to stop him. He watches Aiden head towards Villedor the next morning after one last hug. His slowly heaving heart fills with dread.

---

I'm not quite sure how I want to approach Villedor in this one: I DO want Aiden to go thru the story and all that, but I'm not sure how or when I want him to get Infected, nor how often I want Crane to come into play.

I DO want there to be a consistent subplot of Crane befriending a shitload of feral cats and becoming the ultimate catdad whilst he mopes about missing his kid. 

I do also really want Aiden to employ diplomacy and get the PK to retreat from Old Villedor without extensive bloodshed since being around Crane has given him the (in Dodger’s words, coconut-sized) balls to defy authority (especially because not being able to try diplomacy in the canon game makes me very sad--so many human lives wasted!)

And I DO want Crane to swoop in and save Aiden from Waltz at the electric car factory and basically scream something to the effect of, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY SON YOU FUCKING ANIMAL." @ Waltz before bailing and forcibly seizing Lawan in one arm, Aiden in the other, as Crane jettisons them to the Central Loop. 

(Lawan flips the fuck out over this random Infected, and it is utterly, comically side-burnered by Aiden reuniting with his 'dad', Crane, despite the objective insanity of the happenstance)

Aiden, sobbing: so much terrible shit has happened, a random man broke my heart, I fucking hate this city, I missed you so much, this sucks 

Crane, soothingly: If you want to bail for now, it's okay, you can come home with me and the cats for awhile and try again later. We have time. 

Aiden: Wait, cats? Cats, plural? 

Lawan:

Last but not least I ALSO know that I want Crane to eventually give up on totally behaving himself and instead venture into Villedor regularly--initially 'just to find cat food' but eventually just to sweep the Infected off the streets, throw useful shit into strongholds, and save as many people as possible. 

An urban legend starts to thrum thru all of the city--there is a talking Volatile man who eats other Infected, throws antibiotics at people, and gives absolutely fuckall 0 shits about UV light. Apparently he is usually toting around cat products--toys, litter, kibble, nip, etc--and is very friendly. People are terrified out of their wits at first, but the more he talks about his alleged four cats and doesn't rip people into ribbons, the more the fear fades. 

Aiden hears about this and, with a very amused nose-exhale, thinks to himself, 'oh man, wonder who that could be. what a mystery. so intriguing. Ah, good on you, old man.'

#this is long as fuck #yes i thought way too much about this #how did you know #god this is so cringe #unfortunately for everyone else i eat cringe like spaghettios #dying light #dying light 2 #dying light 2 stay human #dl2 #dl crane #Kyle Crane #Kyle Crane dl #Aiden Caldwell #Aiden DL2 #dying light 2 fanfiction #dying light fanfiction #dying light meta #sorta #i think it counts as meta #oaghdhg #the brainrot

[artisanoftheredscience]

Incident Reports From An Unidentified Revolutionary

@fallenlondonficswap @the-avaricious-meddler

Hi Void! I'm the person who got you for the Secret Swap! I had a lot of fun with this prompt, so I hope you enjoy the fic! :) I've also posted it to A03, which you can find here. The fic will be under the cut. Enjoy!

Prompts Used: The Masters, Revolutionaries, Light Fingers related content, Games

Incident Report for March 18XX 

Writing this from an undisclosed location. Please destroy your copy of this once you’ve read it. Can’t afford to blow my cover. 

I’ve ingratiated myself into a Ministry’s internal affairs department. I won’t say which, for security reasons, but let’s say that it has provided me with much closer access to the Bazaar. I hope to study their movements and provide clearer information about the suspected activities of MF.  MF’s sudden interest in certain industries must mean something, though as of yet I cannot determine what. I am under the impression this may be an attempt to encroach on MSP’s territory- infighting, perhaps?  Given that MF and MSP have not been outwardly hostile before, I can only imagine there is more going on there. 

Infighting could be good for the cause, but I worry too much will destabilise London before we are ready to deal with the consequences. Total liberation cannot be achieved if half the city is obliterated by a tyrant’s temper tantrum. Again. Back to the usual reporting- today under the guise of delivering permits, I snuck into the back of one of MF’s processing plants and witnessed an unusual altercation. MP had apparently been visiting; abnormal behaviour, as MF and MP are not allies as far as we are aware. We may need to look into that- I will see if some recent censorship has MF’s grubby fingerprints on it. The Ministry of Public Decency has been used for governmental overreach by other Masters before. Perhaps MF needed something covered up. Then again, no such conversation was had. It was mostly pointless, unnecessary bickering. Perhaps the two have some dispute. I will have to ask those who keep a closer eye on MP if it has been acting strangely lately. Perhaps something to do with the printing presses? They are technically machines- MF may have some claim, whether real or imagined. That could be an interesting angle to work if we wanted to pit them against one another. 

Regardless, the conversation was mostly whispered, so I did not get a clear picture of what exactly they were arguing about. I have a feeling it may come in handy to get a better idea later.  I will have to ask around and see what I can find. 

I will report with more information later. For now, au revoir. May the month serve you well. 

Collected Notes on The Frigid-Hearted Professor

I have been hearing reports through a mutual associate that there has been reported engagement between MW and The Frigid-Hearted Professor (henceforth abbreviated Professor FH). Professor FH is not usually the type to become involved in any of MW’s ventures, which is why this stood out to me. 

His history is much easier to find than I would have expected. Respectable background, sudden and intense fall from grace alongside the fall from the Surface, a rocky history, a brief period of something resembling a normal life, and then he completely fell off the map. It’s a tale as old as time, down here. The Neath takes as much as it gives. In this case, it has definitely given more than it has taken. I will admit I feel a bit sorry for the poor fellow. I cannot imagine the isolation is doing him any favours. Well, I would feel sorry for him. He has been, according to various sources, buying up a great deal of Black Wing Absinthe. Which is likely not a good sign. I am not as familiar with the stuff, but I have a contact who has dealt with past Vake Hunters. They are… not the easiest people to get along with. Something about that one specific bounty drives people to lengths most would consider untenable. The reward money is a great deal of money, enough for most people to live comfortably for the rest of their lives, and for future generations to do so as well.  Still, I don’t think I believe that is what is drawing Professor FH to this particular hunt. From what little I’ve learned about him, I don’t think money is a particularly strong motivator. I mean, he lives in the Marshes. I can think of few places worse to live in than those awful, awful marshes. 

I digress. When I discovered the issue of the Black Wing Absinthe, I presumed that MW had been keeping an eye on his purchases and was perhaps monitoring the situation itself. Which would be unusual, but alcohol of all kinds does fall under its domain. Perhaps MW suspects some sort of illegal smuggling? Given Professor FH’s history of (admittedly petty) crime, that is not entirely unlikely, though I doubt it would have been enough to warrant such personal attention. MW is not the kind of Master to do its own work. It has servants for that. 

Perhaps some other plot of its has Professor FH as a key element? Who knows. It may very well simply have hired him for some sort of work. It would not be the first time for such things. Either way, I suggest we keep an eye on their interactions until we can know for certain. Whatever Professor FH and MW are getting up to, it could be troublesome. I would not like to have to work around the two of them if they were in league with one another. 

Either way, however, there’s nothing much I can do for now. I will send a follow-up if I learn more. May the month serve you well. 

Incident Report for May 18XX

I’m sending this letter more as a warning than a formal report. Please follow standard protocol with this missive once you’ve read it. 

MW and MSP are fighting again. It appears to be more viscous than their usual fare, which leads me to believe it will begin to bleed out across several areas of London. Commerce, at the very least, will likely be tense for some time. I’d also suggest informing any operatives working closely under/around either to take caution. Now seems like a very good time to get one’s head severed from their body for minor offences. MW and MSP were spotted in a small stretch of processing facilities in Spite; I believe there was disputed Ministry territory nearby, and they had come to sort something out, only to end up in a conflict. They left the area rather disturbed- I believe that factory will remain abandoned for some time. 

I managed to get close enough to record their conversation. Below is a transcription of their conversation. Read at your own risk. 

MW: We think you are being purposefully obstinate to get a rise out of Us, and We will not be falling for the bait. We have better things to do than feed into your delusions. MSP: I’m the delusional one? Me? You must have hit the bottle too hard today. I am being perfectly rational in my demands. 

MW: We will concede nothing! You have not won. You are the one insisting that We give up something that is rightfully Ours. 

MSP: You are such a sore loser. One would think with how often one has lost in all things, that you would have gotten used to it by now. MW: We are- no. We have already said our piece. You are pressing your luck. You always do this! You always insist on being covetous- first with your encroachment on our territory, and now with this petty dispute of yours. It is a bad look on you. MSP: You are just too frightened of facing the consequences of your own failings. I suppose I cannot have expected better from you of all people. Your own failings got you stuck down here, and you’d rather play at being allies than actually-

MW; We are done with this conversation! We have nothing else to say to the likes of you. If you wish to whine some more, we suggest finding someone who will care to listen, because it will not be us. 

MSP: You are running away with your tail between your legs! Again! Upset because I am right-

MW: Good day!

After this exchange, MW stormed off and MSP began to look a little twitchy, so I made the decision to get out of the building before it started on a rampage of its own. As you can see, something has definitely happened between the two of them. I am unsure as to what, but it spells terrible things for London’s immediate safety. I will report back with more information once I’ve determined what has caused such intense conflict.

May the month serve you well. 

Compiled Notes on The Avaricious Meddler 

Recently I’ve received reports of rumours involving supposed fighting between The Avaricious Meddler (henceforth abbreviated AM) and MF. This intrigued me, so I have decided to do some digging into the matter.

The first thing I ought to note is that it is extraordinarily hard to pin down a consistent history for AM. Frankly, I could not even tell you how old they are. It does not help that AM has a decent enough cover-identity that discovering what they are up to at any given moment is near impossible. Though, I do find that particular skill of theirs highly intriguing. Would that half the people I know were so good at blending in. We’d lose far less operatives, surely. 

Regardless, what I can tell you is that they appear to be causing MF a world of trouble. I have never seen MF so obviously irritated. Well, more so than usual. MF is always irritated. I cannot speak to what AM is doing to cause this- I have noticed one of MF’s usual henchmen, whose name I dread even abbreviating in case it summons him like an evil spirit, has been suspiciously active. Not in his usual ways- activity at the Docks has slowed down considerably. No, something else is going on there. I would bet both my arms that it has to do with AM’s sudden uptick in activity. Perhaps AM has stolen something? Foiled some plan? Skipped out on coal taxes one time too many? I will have to ask around some.

Perhaps I will ask around the University. There has been some kind of hubbub in those circles as of late. I cannot say for sure any of these facts are connected, but one never knows? In this line of work, I’d not rule anything out. 

And until I get confirmation on just what AM is planning, I will have to discreetly keep an eye out for them. I wonder if I can get into some of their usual haunts. I’m not one for the rooftops myself, but they have been spotted around Urchins a number of times. Maybe one of them will speak to me. That is all I have to share for now. May the month serve you well. 

Incident Report for June, 18XX

I witnessed today an encounter between MH and MV that may be another sign of the increased infighting between the various parties in London. 

MH and MV are not a pair I usually see in my observations. MH is not the most sociable of them, from what I have gathered, or at the very least keeps odd hours, and MV is volatile enough that most of the others avoid it. And yet there they were, outside a set of factories in Spite, conversing. If I did not see it with my own two eyes I would not have believed it. 

I immediately set myself up to continue observing. In Spite, pretending to be engrossed in the fabric market is an excellent way to keep oneself faded into the background. I did end up having to buy several yards of cheap linen, but it was worth it to get a sense of what they were talking about.

It seemed to be a rather heated argument of some kind. I couldn’t get enough of it to compile a transcript- MV speaks rather low at times- but the gist of it seemed to be about a debt to be repaid. Perhaps those rumours of MV’s struggling factories were not too far off. I ought to look into it. Another project for the list. Whatever the case may be, the reminder seemed to upset MV, worse than usual. MH was as jovial as ever, perhaps moreso. It must be owed a great deal. Or it delights in causing its companion grief. 

It said something further to its companion, and this seemed to be some sort of tipping point. MV got in extraordinarily close, and then it appeared to bite MH.  Admittedly I nearly blew my cover out of shock. I know that MV has never been the most sociable of the Bazaar, but I never in my life would have expected to see it bite another of its fold in public. It must be under a special sort of duress. 

Whatever this debt of its is, it must be causing a great deal of trouble. Perhaps we can use this. I will endeavour to find out what is going on so that we might use it to further our own goals. Until then, may the Month serve you well.

Incident Report for July, 18XX

I am going to quit this life and flee back to the Surface to raise goats in some far-flung mountain. 

I have been investigating the aforementioned incidents that have been plaguing London as of late. It’s tedious, stressful work, wading through records about trade and any odd rumours about their activities. It’s been a lot of work, but I hadn’t made much progress. Until today. I met up with someone who works rather closely with one of the Masters. They’re by no means a confidante, but they hear much more than the average Londoner. I chanced asking them about my research, and they looked rather tired for a moment. They then proceeded to explain that for the past several months, the Masters have all been at one another’s throats over a disagreement. I asked what kind, and after a long period of silence they explained that the Masters had, in a moment of unexpected levity, deigned to play a game of cards together. This had, apparently, gone horribly. As in, broken furniture, bones, and alliances horribly. Some of them are still not even speaking to each other. Every Ministry has felt the effects of their terrible moods. 

Hearing this admittedly made me want to slam my head through the table. Which means all of this infighting, all of these strange shadowy movements, all of the anxiety I have experienced in the past few months, all of it was because of a game of cards!? And not even one of the important ones!?

What a waste of time. Well, at least now we know what has been happening. Perhaps they will get over this petty squabble soon. Perhaps something new will have them all taking sides again, and the cycle will keep continuing until the next city falls on our heads. It doesn’t matter. All we can be sure of is that they will continue to be a problem until our plans succeed. 

I don't even know who will read this. My lines have been dead for weeks. I may be the only one left in this circle. No matter. I will keep doing my job. I will keep my eyes on the shadowed movements of our oppressive tyrants and my fingers in every plot to thwart them. For all of London’s sake, the show must go on. May the month serve you well. 

#fallen london ficswap #fallen london #fallen london writing

[trkkr47]

Okay, so, I am loving this solarpunk thing, I am a about relearning how to make stuff and grow stuff and fix stuff.

That said, I know there is an idealistic idea of everyone being self-sufficient, making their iwn stuff instead of buying it, but my concern is that is unsustainable. Like, yes, in our society, a single individual hunting and fishing for their own meat is better for the environment than factory farming. But, if everyone did it, deer would go extinct in a week.

Also, it is of course unrealistic to imagine one person or even family can make everything on their own. The skills take years to master and the equipment is often large and difficult to make or obtain.

Of course, this suggests that small communes are the answer. And I do feel like that makes some sense. I think our "tribes" have become far larger than our individual social evolution can cope with, especially now that anyone can talk to anyone anywhere in the world. So yeah, small communes? Sounds better. But then you get into the problems of the communes interacting, and who and how they decide how conflicts are resolved and who gets what resources, and you end up back with a global society anyway.

I think all I'm really trying to say is that economy of scale is a real thing with real benefits. The problem is with the distribution of those benefits and the system for sharing the labor. It's also with the priorities of our current system, which downplay real, permanent consequences to our enviroment, society, and souls, while wildly overvaluing the financial profit of a relatively small group of people.

Aaaand. Now I am writing a manifesto on tumblr. Which is very helpful for everyone I'm sure. Definitely I'm going to save the world with my pseudointellectual ramblings.

Sigh. I think the real fantasy is not the saving the world, it's the idea of waking up in the morning with no responsibility beyond survive the day, feed the goats, sit in the sunshine. Deal with the immediate and the real instead of a life ruled by conceptual numbers and invisible boundaries.

I think I will post this, wildly against my better judgement, and mostly because I hope no one will see it.

#solarpunk #random rant #gardening #save the world #disillusionment #utopia is just a book by some guy #adhd oversharing

[heinzpilsner]

Okay, it's time for the next exciting part of the 'Overanalyzing beach Maiko' series!

In the previous episode, we finally left behind the jealous rampage scene thank god, and now we'll deal with the consequences! Yay!

I'm a bit too happy about it, am I?

Today I'm not in the mood for long procrastinating jokes I wonder why, so let's get right to the business of dissecting Maiko's heated break-up dialogue, shall we?

So, what do we have here?

Mai: "Zuko, what is wrong with you?"

A legitimate question.

Zuko: "What's wrong with me?"

Much less legitimate question. I mean, what exactly Zuko tried to accuse Mai of at this point? Her supposed infidelity? But what if she was in the process of telling "sorry, I have a boyfriend" at the moment of Zuko's attack? Or what - was she supposed to hiss like a cat and hit Ruon-Jian with a knife the moment he spoke to her or something?

(A sidenote: Zuko's reaction could mean one important thing: he was angry at Mai just for liking another boy.

Even ignoring the unfoudedness of Zuko's assumption, the problem is, people can't really control their feelings. Only their behavior - and even that to a certain extent (passion is a thing and all).

So, unless Mai flirted (which would hint on her desire to commit an act of infidelity) with Ruon-Jian or downright cheated on Zuko, resenting her wasn't rational and wouldn't improve the situation in a slightest.

But... Perhaps Zuko in his inadequate state just saw flirting where there was none of it.)

Anyway, boy, even if you don't realize it at the moment, you've just thoroughly screwed up. It's really not a good time for you to go into offense here!

Mai: "Your temper is out of control. You blow up over every little thing. You're so impatient and hotheaded and angry!"

Well, there are far more issues with Zuko's behavior than that, but I have to give Mai credit here - she was able to look beyond particulars of the moment and detect that there's something weird going on with her boyfriend.

... Well, either that, or she simply didn't notice all the other problems here, which could say a lot about Mai's life views.

But if it's the former, the fact that she decided to focus on this aspect in particular is... quite curious.

It actually could speak of her concern for Zuko (and she kinda sounded concerned with her "What's wrong with you" question)... were it not for the fact it heavily contradicts her recent actions.

Sorry, Maiko fans, but the "bring me food" thing is not something I can simply dismiss. It maybe seems small, but it shows way too clearly Mai's current attitude that is incompatible with true caring either for others in general, or for Zuko in particular. And it took place just a couple of minutes before the scene!

(Most likely the creators didn't realise it, but what can I say? I'm analysing the material, not intentions behind it.)

So, not that there is anything wrong with caring about yourself in the first place, but I'd say Mai during the break-up dialogue was concerned mostly/only about her own interests.

And of all the problematic things that were exaggerated or manifested by Zuko's psychological instability (including tendency towards physical aggression, irrational jealousy, lack of trust and respect towards his girlfriend and a long list of potentially harmful attitudes), the ones that bothered Mai the most were... his trademark personality flaws.

Huh.

Of course, Zuko's psychological state was the real issue here. But Mai didn't stop after just "your temper is out of control", did she?

The problem is, being hot-headed, impatient and prone to anger is not some anomaly of the day! It's a most typical manifestation of Zuko's temperament under stressful conditions, and it will never go way entirely even after all the wrong attitudes in his head will be fixed.

And when you choose yourself a life partner, you should be ready that it will not always be rainbows and awfully orange sunshine with them, you know.

(I'm not stating here what you shold tolerate any kind of shit from your partner. That's not the point. My point is... Ah, I'm a zutarian, draw your own conclusions here.)

In short, instead of focusing on real problems, Mai just scolded Zuko for being himself. Brilliant thinking!

Zuko: "Well, at least I feel something, as opposed to you. You have no passion for anything! You're just a big blah!"

... Oh-oh. Boy, it was a wrong answer. Like, a really really wrong answer.

As a zutarian, I fully approve of it though pffft

Basically, Zuko totally ignored "temper is out of control" part and said to a rightfully angry Mai who already thought he was too much of a trouble that her personality* sucks. If he was still hoping to save the relationship after this (why would he though?), his brain definitely short circuited.

(*Actually, lack of "passion for anything" can't be considered someone's personality - unless what we're really talking about is phlegmatic temperament, it's a big problem. But I'll elaborate on it in later parts if I ever manage to figure out what is "it" at all in the mess of Mai's character)

But I must say, Zuko's answer gives us a ridiculous amount of data to work with.

And one of the most notable details here is the ironic paradox of his accusation. Which is:

Zuko basically scolded Mai for not feeling anything and not having passion right after she yelled at him passionately.

... Lol.

I'd say something does not quite add up here, does it?

But like all paradoxes, the situation is actually not all that strange when you describe it more thoroughly.

And it has two possible explanations.

Either Zuko just responded to Mai's critique outside of the situational context...

(And thus admitted that he was frustrated with Mai's usual personality for quite some time. ... Even though before "The Beach" he didn't seem to mind her "lack of passion" all that much. Huh.)

...Or Mai's personality wasn't Zuko's real problem with her at the moment.

If you think about it, apart from unusual emotional outburst (and imaginary interest in another guy) there was nothing new about Mai this day - except for one little thing, of course.

Today she was expressing much less of affection towards Zuko than before.

You know what's the sad thing though?

Both of these hypotheses could be right simultaneously. That is, Zuko became frustrated with Mai's personality and her lack of love this day.

I'd speculate here that Zuko loves Mai mostly in response to her "love" for him. The guy doesn't really need all that much - just someone to love and be loved by (preferably with a pretty face and noble status, but I'm sure different options were possible). Mai just was the first girl around who laid her hands on him in a moment of vulnerability.

But when her affection is gone, it turns out he doesn't really like her all that much.

Of course, he tells her "sweet" things like "You're beautiful when you hate the world", but... Can we state with certainty that he wouldn't prefer something different to admire in a girl if he had a choice?

(Well, technically, he has a choice - but mostly in theory. Zuko leads a pretty isolated life, and there are simply no other interested girls around - except for crazy royalty fans apparently, but security holds them at bay alright. Besides, Mai is already here, and from Zuko's date with Jin we know that he was willing first to sacrifice his dignity, and then to risk his freedom/life(!) just because he couldn't stand to see a girl with him sad. So, as long as he believes he's loved, he'll try and make this relationship work despite everything.)

"It's over, Zuko. We're done."

Oh no! What a schocking surprise!

It was the best part of the episode if you ask me

The notable thing though is that Mai looked genuinely sad after she said it. I guess it was the writer's way to say once again: "Look, she actually cares!"

I can interpret this emotion on Mai's face in a thousands of different ways though:

"I had to drop a guy because he hated my deep personality. Again!"

"My prince suddenly turned into a badgerfrog. What a dissapointment."

"Aww, I really liked his butt though".

"Oh damn, I just lost my free source of fruit tarts. I didn't really think this through, did I?"

"Why, oh why I have to be such a tragic and misunderstood character? It's all my mother's fault. That bitch."

(You can add to this list if you like, it's hilarious.)

The point is, you can't really use this sad look as a full-fledged argument.

(Of course, it's my personal way of solving the psychological contradictions of the writing. But seriously, I don't make the rules here - the "bring me food" moment outweighs all the ambiguous sad looks altogether.)

Anyway, after this Zuko was disgracefully banished from the party for damaging property, so the pair will see each other next time only after some lonely walking and reflections.

But we'll save this material for the next mysterious part of the 'overanalyzing beach Maiko' series! Yay!

(The end of the episode is really heavy with polylogue and all the girls being suddenly possessed by a local ghost of amateur psychoanalytic, so I'll have to think about the best way to approach the analysis. Until then...)

Thanks for your attention.

I still ignore all notifications.

P. S.: While I was writing this, I realized another possible mechanism behind Zuko's irrational jealousy! So perhaps we'll actually make a little detour next time, hmm.

(Ugh, the more I analyze Maiko, the more I want to scream. I mean, to hell with zutara - I'd be satisfied with just those two people staying as far from each other as possible! Dfghkhafffg!)

#atla #zuko #mai atla #anti maiko

[field-s-of-flowers]

Pugsley Addams headcanons

Sequel to my Morticia post! Also, my boy does NOT get enough love and I enjoyed the new series but they did him SO dirty so I’m here to rectify it. Tim Burton can kiss my ass

(This is gonna be based on the ‘60s show mostly, with some stuff from the ‘90s movies and the musical bc that’s the AF stuff I like the most. Also it’ll have absolutely no structure because I don’t need to give him a backstory like I did for Morticia)

So first off, this isn’t a headcanon but it is a quote from season one episode ten of the sitcom (and it’s on youtube if you don’t believe me):

Morticia: We might have to call the P-O-L-I-C-E. Pugsley: You mean the fuzz? Morticia: What is the fuzz? Pugsley: The bulls! Gomez: Thought you had him there, didn’t you?

So yeah there’s that

That attitude towards authority definitely continues into when he’s a teenager

(I mean it’s the early seventies, who are we kidding)

Between that and his penchant for explosives, Pugsley makes a lot of really cool friends and gets into a lot of trouble in school

Morticia is NOT pleased

“It’s one thing to set off a bomb, sweetheart, but cutting class is a completely different matter!”

“But mooooooooooooooooom-”

Pugsley likes to act cool but he’s very much a mama’s boy

There’s not much he enjoys more than helping Morticia out in the kitchen or the greenhouse

He also really likes hanging out with Grandmamma (this one is canon in the musical and it’s FANTASTIC)

She loves helping her grandson out with the occasional illegal activity

Also she always has candy and Pugsley’s the only one who knows about it

Uhhh let’s see

Pugsley’s dyslexic!

He has a lot of trouble in school because of it, especially because this is the seventies so people don’t always take him seriously

(Idk a lot about dyslexia so I can’t really elaborate but I should tell you this headcanon was courtesy of my mom)

He also gets really tall during high school

By the time he’s eighteen he’s almost as tall as Morticia

He’s just a really big dude

A really big dude who actually has no idea how to fight

Gomez tried to teach him to swordfight in middle school and it failed miserably

They stopped after he broke a sword and Gomez almost cried

Again, he much prefers explosives anyway

One time I saw someone headcanon that Pugsley has pyrokinetic powers and I am FULLY on board with this

In the post about Morticia that I made, I said something about her family all having some kind of magic (whereas the Addamses themselves are mostly just plain humans who act really fucking strange)

Anyway, Pugsley ends up with magic, Wednesday doesn’t

He tries to be a good big brother and not make a big deal out of it, but he can’t help but be a little smug

Mainly because Wednesday does so much better in school than he does, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit jealous

The rest of his family is also full of really accomplished people, so Pugsley actually feels like he falls short a lot

So the magic thing is a Big Deal to him

Anyway he has pyrokinesis (fire + explosive powers)!

They figure it out when he’s about fourteen, but he’s been drawn to that stuff his whole life so nobody was really surprised

The whole family was proud, but Uncle Fester was ecstatic

Once he finishes high school, Pugsley basically starts doing magic as a part-time job

There are a surprising amount of people who will pay for an explosion, but it’s legally dubious at best and he’s an adult now so he’s more likely to face consequences

So he ends up being a bartender at some weird-looking tavern and he actually loves it

Pugsley gets a lot more laid-back as he gets older, and he’s able to become friends with a lot of different kinds of people

The weirder the better- the real kooks just make him feel more at home :)

Btw when I say he’s laid-back that ABSOLUTELY does not mean he won’t do schemes from time to time. My boy is a practical joker at heart and no amount of adulthood can change that

Also when I say friends I do only mean friends bc Pugsley is aro! I am definitely not projecting!

Specifically he’s aroallo + straight and not quite sure about gender

For a while Morticia is kind of annoying about it (“so when are you going to get a girlfriend?”) but he explains to her that that’s not what he wants and she’s okay with it

They stay really close as they get older :)

This wasn’t as long but I can’t think of any more so here: @acesophiewalten @itwasmyweddingday @lucasbeinekehonorarygoth for you guys! We need more Pugsley content in the world is what I’m saying with this

#Soph’s posts #addams family #addams family headcanons #pugsley addams #Pugsley Addams headcanons #Pugsley #Pugsley headcanons #Jean tag #Ebony tag

[allycat75]

Decide what to be and go be it, Boston Dumb Fuck!

(Still feel I am screaming into a void but feel I need to get this out)

We get it, you're "Mercurial". How fucking charming! Well, maybe what you were was lacking in character and moral fortitude that allowed you to go from feminist woke male to slutty fuckboi without blinking an eye. And look where that has gotten you- "married" to an arrogant, selfish, insecure, fatshaming, racist, antisemite Lolita who you don't even want to touch and makes you look like a sickly, creepy uncle. Well done!

We all recognize there is a big, bad wolf lurking in the shadows, pulling the strings of this nightmare puppet show and is threatening to blow your house down. But guess what? It is already gone. No one wants to hire you for any acting work- there are cheaper, younger, better looking, and probably more talented "Chris Evans" types avaliable. Tying yourself to the wifey and her basket of deplorables doesn't ingratiate you to the elite anymore. Your friends are tired of being cast in this net of lies. Your clout chasers are going to abandon you once they realize your name doesn't have the same cache it used to. Jinx may not want to have a lying, Nazi-lover as their spokesperson (even if he is paying their bills). Most of your true fans have bled out; you know, the dick-pic protection squad kind of fans. And that Empress Unicorn the tarot readers all saw for you. She may still be there, but you, good sir, have so much growing up to do, she probably won't be there by the time you get back to being a halfway decent person, that is if you aren't coward enough to even start the journey in the first place.

You could blame so many things for this failure of integrity, but mostly I blame that asinine idea of shushing every thought in your head. I know at least one of those voices was screaming at you not to get into this mess, but because you are a child of privlege you have not known real consequences, so why listen now. I hope this is part of your growing up, you man-child. There are scary things that do happen and our job as rational adults is to learn how to adjudicate the nonsense so we can listen to what our body and the universe is telling us- the micro and the macro. Balance and harmony isn't just about dealing with the stuff we want to. You belong to a larger ecosystem and you can't take yourself out of the equation.

So I have to ask- was it all worth it, since it all burned to the ground anyway? Can you now muster up that character and moral fortitude, not for some external reward, but so you can look at yourself in the mirror and not be disgusted by what you see? Or are you going to continue down the soulless path, believing the lies you are telling to live to rest of your life in a fortress of gold painted dirt?

#You are the company you keep #is this the life you want? #liars suck! #brian wilson vibes #dodger deserves better

[naturecalls111]

Thank you for your answer to the previous question!!I am very glad that you answered, it was very interesting to learn more about my favorite author. It would be very interesting to know what you are doing now, how you are studying and what problems and gaps you have encountered. I have a feeling that you are a pretty young artist?? Sorry if this question seems incorrect to you...

Your favourite! Gah! I'm blushing!

Yes! I'd say I'm pretty young, ahaha, I wonder if most people have assumed that of me, now that you mention it.

I'm studying now in college - my major is illustration but admittedly it's mostly been essays and readings as far as my coursework goes. I have maybe two classes a year that consists of any actual tangible art. Most is theoretical.

Problems... I'm not vocal about it but I'm incredibly self-critical about my art. I very much had an unhealthy relationship with art until recently. Most of my life I was dead-set on being a surgeon as a career path (would go to summer courses, etc.), so I thought drawing was a waste of time and never practiced it lol. I was an unideal student but I had a very high GPA (or, the equivalent of a GPA for my school system) and I figured "hey, if I can get these grades without studying, I can definitely become a doctor once I actually do!" Which was... incredibly silly. So stupid. Either way, art was like, a passive hobby to me. I enjoyed it because I was relatively okay at it without having had ever studied it, so I didn't see the point of putting time into something I would never pursue.

Especially early highschool - I had a lot of really bad habits that I reap the consequences of now, some of which kind of sealed the deal that I likely wouldn't be able to do med school (I think I've mentioned this before, but I have bad hand tremors. Plus, I no longer react well to real life blood/wounds and have poor memory, so really, I think the window closed for med school closed on me by late highschool.) Art was unimportant to me, therefore I didn't do it, therefore I have a lot of insecurities about it now, therefoooreee I try to practice a lot to compensate now, hahaha.

So - huge gap. Like I said, I think art is something I only really started studying in my own time, as an actual thing to be studied instead of drawing aimlessly, when I was about 17. I regret starting so late, but better late than never. I'm not improving at the rate that I want to but I know that scale is relative and I'm still happy that I pursued it, even if I occasionally relapse into the whole "I wish I tried to become a doctor instead!" thing 😂 the reception I have gotten with my One Piece art is very motivating. I don't draw for others, but people are so kind and inspiring here that I can't help but break through my art block and open a new canvas!

Thanks so much for your question! Kind of cathartic to vaguely talk about this. I hope I didn't talk your ear off, lol! ❤️❤️❤️😂

#nc111qna #nc111 talks