Tumgik
#and to be clear im Very Much Not saying individuals are necessarily in the wrong for using it
myownprivatcidaho · 3 years
Note
This is a genuine question because I do believe ao3 has a problem with all sorts of things, but how should fics be filtered out? Isn't that sort of the same problem that has been going on in libraries for years?
i think youre asking a good question, but ill be real i myself am pretty novice when it comes to navigating that site. i guess in general i think libraries have a better screening process (and books getting published in general as opposed to fics being published online) but. tbh im not sure if there IS a clean cut solution to filtering ao3 works that ... actually allows its existence to continue. if that makes sense. at the moment the issue with content on there is responsibility and if the site wont hold users accountable, then other users should, but i think. like stepping back from Internet/Fandom Values i dont think there is a clear solution when it comes to regulating an open-source platform which allows giant works of content cause imo it. kinda was a bad idea to begin with
9 notes · View notes
notnctu · 3 years
Text
push & pull | kim doyoung
Tumblr media
❀ slytherin!doyoung x hufflepuff!femreader ❀ genre - SLOW BURN, smut, fluff, a bit of humor (idk not rlly) ❀ details -  hogwarts!au, fwb to lovers?, y/n is a player lol, jealous doyoung, mutual pining, doyoung is a lil mean ❀ word count - 9.7k ❀ warnings - explicit language, possessiveness (a concept of marking), dom!doyoung, angry sex?, slight dirty talk, penetration, fingering, praise kink ❀ synopsis - in which a prideful slytherin and an oblivious hufflepuff play a clueless emotion game of tug of war.
❝I thought Hufflepuffs are to be loyal, so why do you sleep with other men?❞  
❝People say Slytherins are ambitious, so why didn’t you pursue me?❞ ❀ a/n - i changed the plot a little bit as i was writing lol but hopefully it still fits everything! i said this in the teaser, but i want to preface and say that the magic/marking is not canon to harry potter, and that the only thing im using are the sectional houses/subjects. besides that, everything is made up LMAO also pls b lenient with me, i read hogwarts!au but writing it is very out of my comfort zone and am very bad at creating anything magical 
READ NEXT PART
Tumblr media
Kim Doyoung, the Slytherin boy of your dreams, mindlessly and imperfectly steals glances your way across the dining tables and under several hundred floating lit candles. He sits huddled with his few posh friends that wear the same green and silver tie situated so tightly underneath their necks. And you, just looking as dazzling as ever, with your yellow and black tie hanging loose and a few buttons undone from your dress shirt.
He hates how easily you catch his attention and his ability to spot your figure in a dense crowd. You barely even look his way in public now, often distracted by a broad Gryffindor that tries to make flirtatious advantages at you. And when he thinks it can’t get any worse, it does… as you’re flashing your bright beautiful smile back at him and the shift in your body language.
“You’re staring again.” Yuta flickers between his friend and the subject of his focus.
Doyoung clears his throat, smooths his tie and physically turns his body away from the horrendous scene. “It’s very hard not to stare when she’s flirting with other men in front of me.”
“Does she do it on purpose?” The silver haired boy raises a questionable eyebrow and Doyoung reacts before he can speak.
He perks up and narrows his eyes at Yuta. “Purpose? Like to make me jealous?” Doyoung scoffs, laughs almost at the ridiculous thought. “The answer is no. We’re not exclusive, we’re nothing.”
“If you two are nothing, then why are you acting like you two are something? Get a grip, it’s practically sickening watching you fume over a ditzy Hufflepuff.” As Yuta prepares to bite into his delicious soft bread roll, it flies out of his grip, down the long table and onto another person’s plate.
Both boys are quick to stand to their feet and face each other chest to chest. Neither one of them is intimidated by the other, but their other friends around them are rather shocked by the sudden discrepancy.
Doyoung forcibly brushes off an imaginary dust off his good friend’s shoulders and draws a perfectly strained fake smile, knowing that others may be watching and he is a Prefect after all. But most importantly, you could be watching. “Call her that again, and your dinner won’t be the only thing that’s thrown across the table.” His threat is loud enough solely for Yuta to hear.
Yuta, with glaring eyes, picks up his dinner tray and walks off with his chin held high and a brisk in his stride. Doyoung clears his throat in the midst of the brief silence and out of habit, fixes his tie back in place. He takes a seat back down and the chatter at the table resumes, but he’s beyond embarrassed and disappointed at his loss of temper that everything drowns out.
Almost everything. He feels a light tap on his shoulder and out of annoyance, he spins around hastily and sharply snarls, “what?” But his eyes land on your fearful wide eyes and the slight cower in your stance, knowing that you caught onto his bad mood. And he’s half in disbelief that you’re approaching him right in the center of the Great Hall, that you’re standing so beautiful a foot away from him.
Instant regret and guilt fills his chest, his sharp eyes soften at your pout and the concerned furrow in between your brows. Nonetheless, he doesn’t have any words to say… he can’t get himself to apologize for his behavior.
“Do you want to walk to Herbology with me?” The quiver in your voice made you seem so small, so desperate for him, that he can hear the reactions of his friends. They’re laughing, at him, at you, at the whole scene that’s unfolding. He feels mocked, being a laughing stock isn’t something he’s very fond of.
His lips form a tight line, and in a snarky tone, “you don’t know your own way, Puff? Mind you ask your own Prefect to guide you.” Fuck. He tried to find the nicest way possible to brush you off, but his friends laugh a bit louder and intensely. And you didn’t like that one bit.
Your lips part slightly in a frown, an eyebrow raised and a hand on your hip. You look as if you’re ready to attack him, to jinx him, to probably pinch at his skin. But he knows you, and you’d do none of the above. Instead, you say the one threat that causes his heart to sink into the pit of his stomach, “don’t talk to me in class.” You’re slipping away from him as you pick up your pace, exiting all the commotion in the Great Hall.
He tries to hide the disappointment that stems from his chest, and his heart beats with an inexplicable dull pain. All he can think about is the twist of your expression and he’s gathering his things rather quickly to follow after you, without even a bid goodbye to his clique.
Without any knowledge of what you two do behind closed doors and the complex history that you two share, one may view your relationship as practically nonexistent; you two are strangers, barely passing acquaintances. 
Doyoung does not approach you in the halls, in anywhere that necessarily has many witnesses. You smile at him, maybe even a wave depending on your mood, but no one questions it … as you wave at almost everyone who passes by you.
Classmates might see interaction during the one class you two share, if they pay attention close enough. However, you and Doyoung are much more to each other than passing acquaintances. Although he’s starting to see himself as another name on your list of individuals you sleep with, you are much more to him than you could ever know.
He’ll never forget the first time you two met. He was patrolling the halls for anyone lurking past curfew with his nose dug deep in his heavy book on magical creatures, when you walked right into him and caused the both of you to fall to the granite.
He was beyond ready to dock off points for whoever the rule breaker may be, but you took his breath away when you hovered above him and clasped your palm over his mouth before he can scold anyone. You looked a bit frazzled as your hair was all over the place and he noticed your minimal amount of clothing in the middle of a cold winter night.
He saw the signature Hufflepuff badge on your thin sweater and the sound of your voice completely threw him off his tracks.
“I’m so sorry.” You whisper at the stunned Prefect underneath you, whose body feels warm against your own. But your eyes remain frantically on the lookout for anyone else passing, despite the lack of light in the cobblestone hallway. You most definitely do not belong in this wing of the castle and knocking down a Prefect caused more of a problem in your escape route.
Quickly standing up, you lend your hand out for him to take. His long fingers accept your hold as he pulls himself up and dusts the dirt off his robe. His green emblem glows in the dim light and you’re internally screaming at the mess you just made for yourself. But you recognize his features: the sharpness in his eyes, the small curves of the corners of his lips, his neatly parted black hair.
“You’re in some deep---”
“---Kim Doyoung.” The boy freezes at the sound of his name and he blinks at you, curious as to where you know of him. Being a Prefect has its small perks of popularity, but he didn’t expect for it to go this far. “Y/N, we had brooms together.”
As he repeats your name and examines your pretty features, a light bulb goes off in his head. “The clumsy Hufflepuff that fell off her broom in the highest altitude?”
“If that’s how you remember me by.” You smile proudly, and he scoffs at how someone could possibly hold pride in something so silly. “It’s nice to see you around, you’re a Prefect! Wow! That’s incredible.”
“And you’re still as clumsy as you were a year ago. Falling all over the place.”
“Unfortunately, some things don’t change! But you certainly have.” Doyoung looks at you with hooded eyes and a cautious gaze, but you’re so outlandishly bold despite swaying with your hands behind your back. “Please, don’t take that the wrong way. I meant it as a compliment! I used to have a tiny crush on you, baseless, but you helped me catch my broomstick and I’ll never be able to forget that.”
Doyoung, unknowingly, lights up at your shameless confession and takes another good look at you. You're much more mature now, and if he stared into your alluring gaze any longer, he’d be completely mesmerized without the need of a love potion. “So you liked me over a meaningless chivalrous act?”
“I liked you because you were charming and yes, perhaps I am someone who finds attractiveness in men who are chivalrous. There’s nothing wrong with that.” You bat your sweet eyelashes at him so endearingly, and he’s a blushing mess all over the place.
Doyoung has had anonymous love letters passed on from his friends, but they were all Slytherins who yearned greedily to be associated with his status. So knowing that a Hufflepuff, with an innocent youthful approach to love, festered some form of infatuation with him does flatter him quite well. “I’ll let you go.”
You’re about to exhale an exasperated sigh of relief until Doyoung continues, “under one condition.”
“Okay, I’ll do anything.” Your gleaming eyes sparkle like stars paired with the night sky.
He rolls his eyes at you, “don’t be so quick to jump at conditions without hearing them first.” Doyoung groans and you passively brush off his comment.
“If it’s harmless, I’ll do it.”
And in the dead of the night, where only you two stand in the middle of an empty cobblestone hallway, Doyoung requests, “I want to see you again.”
Although that night marked the beginning of your friendship, public interactions were still scarce and this was mainly on the fault of Doyoung. The times you met were late nights past curfew where he was stationed at and he grew to enjoy your wondrous personality. This boy grew up in a Slytherin bubble his whole life, no one outside of his house ever dared approached him … at least, not with the warmest smile as yours.
You were everything he was not, but he liked it so much. You were a half that completed his whole, and there were growing pains he couldn’t confide in anyone else. Surprisingly, you knew his imperfections more than he did himself and yet, you still wanted to be around him to encourage him. Not to mention, you had a sudden growth in other parts of your body and formed into your features very beautifully.
He wasn’t the only one who noticed, as there were more male counterparts who smiled at you, talked about you, fawned over you. And he felt something heighten inside of him along with his existing romantic feelings, and that he began seeing you in a new light.
With you experiencing new things, like hand holding and being showered by love letters on Valentine’s Day, it was wrong of him to fester such envy over the ones who publicly adorned you. He was so blinded by his hot headed rage that he completely missed the fact that you never accepted anyone who confessed, maybe the hand holding, but everyone else was a complete rejection.
All this time, you had been waiting for him and when you two shared your first kiss together, you had an assumption that Doyoung was going to finally confess that he felt the same way. But he never did. You two did, however, further your relationship into something more intimate and taking each other’s virginities opened a whole pathway of possibilities --- none being one where you two end up officially together.
He was the first to sleep with someone else, that was his first of many mistakes that he was going to make in his relationship with you. It also became the drop of the needle for you to start seeing other people as well, to explore what Doyoung couldn’t offer, to rid yourself of the feelings you had for a boy that didn’t seem like he wanted anything more.
Chivalry was dead and Doyoung believed that the innocent youthful Hufflepuff love had disappeared from within you.
As his present day runs after you, you’re abruptly stopped by a Ravenclaw for a small chat. Damn you Hufflepuffs for being friendly and social. So, he rushes past the two of you and into the classroom to await for your arrival. The quick shade of green flashes by your side and you’re fuming incredibly at how Doyoung continues to play you like a harp.
When you slide into your assigned seat next to him, he goes off like a canon. Doyoung starts spewing backhanded excuses and endless shameless rambles about his behavior. “I told you. Don’t talk to me during class or I will jinx you. Won’t be able to talk with your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth.”
“You’re not going to jinx me.” With a subtle flick of his wrist, your chair is pulled closer to his. “And if you were to do so, you wouldn’t do something so cynical.” Yelping at the abrupt usage of his magic, you’re irritably pressing your ink into your journal with a newfound annoyance.
“You’re right. I’d turn you into a duck, so at least, you’re still cute to look at.” The mindless scribbles on the paper make no sense in your head, as you’re primarily zoned in on the disrupted energy you have about your Slytherin companion. These ill feelings make you almost sick, wanting to shut out any bad replay of the moments before and forgetting about the attention you seek so much from Doyoung.
“For you to successfully cast a jinx on me, you must make eye contact first.” His finger lifts your chin and you’re eye to eye with his lustful dark stare. Doyoung licks his lips, a shine shimmers from his saliva, and he’s tempted to bring you into his chambers for an intimacy he’s been craving. “My, oh my. You’re looking very charmed today.” A grin curves up and taunts you, and you’re blinking away down at the table.
“Doyoung, we’re in class. Please, focus.” Your desperate whisper turns into a whine once his cold hand slyly smooths over your bare knee.
“Are you free later tonight?” Doyoung peers over at your side profile and your skin feels soft at his fingertips. He’s imagining your intoxicating scent mixing with his sheets, your light playful kisses along his neck, and gripping onto every naked part of you. For a whole minute, he’s forgotten that he’s in class with other no name individuals and a boring professor. He has tunnel vision whenever he’s with you.
“I have an arrangement.” The grip on your knee tightens at your quiet answer. An arrangement.
“The Gryffindor who had leafy greens in between his teeth?” Doyoung treads lightly, because you’re both well aware he’s made harsher insults than that. He retrieves his hand and picks up his pen as if he’s never touched you.
He sees your head shake out of the corner of his eye, you’re rolling your lips together sheepishly. There’s something odd about your stance and he’s growing a bit more curious…. A bit more spiteful at how closed off you are being. There’s something you’re hiding from him. “Then, who?”
“Is there something you’d like to discuss with the class, Mr. Kim? If not, I’d like for everyone to head over to the greenhouse.” As the class slightly snickers and the classroom empties, you and Doyoung are stopped by your professor.
Professor Sprout, wearing her worn out Dragon hide gloves and a thin lined smile, shoves a potted plant into Doyoung’s hands, “behave, you two. Your conversations are never very secret when spoken aloud.” She gives both of you a warning before proceeding out along with the rest of the class.
Doyoung scoffs at the absurd encounter and rolls his eyes. “Ah, you’re getting me in trouble with you now.”
“I’m sorry, Doyoung. It’s better that you don’t know.” You say this every time, when will you realize that keeping your hookups a secret only causes him more agony? He catches your wrist as you both exit the corridors, he barely ever has you alone now. And to say the least, he fucking misses you.
“Spare me some of your time after class.” He’s disgusted by himself, knowing that his eyes are begging for you to say yes. Him, a highly admired Slytherin, has settled for scraps and if anyone knew, they’d never let him live.
Your hand gently clasps over his and when you look up with your starry eyes, something inside him feels at peace. “Did you miss me?” He gulps at your question and blinks at you like a deer in headlights. If said by anyone else, he would not hesitate to snap his fingers into a malicious spell. But you ask the million dollar question so sweetly, there’s no taunt… there’s no mockery in your tone. It’s full of genuine curiosity.
So, he answers you with part of his heart that you know too well. “Unfortunately.” His body falls slightly in defeat, and suddenly the potted plant is alive in his hands. It’s wailing a dangerous and annoying loud cry, completely ruining the moment.
Doyoung quizzically ponders the monstrous green plant and its magical capabilities puzzle him, possibly reminding him to pay more attention to the actual curriculum than on your unbuttoned shirt.
Moreover, your giggle surprisingly calms him in this stressful situation and you lightly pat his hand that’s still gripping your wrist. “I’m all yours after class.” 
Taking the wretched plant, you hurry off toward the greenhouse to find someone to diffuse the crying creature. Doyoung laughs in disbelief at your comical animated figure running around with a pot over your head and shouting for any student to help you. So you’re not paying attention in class either?
Tumblr media
Doyoung takes you to your favorite place, despite the rule that you’re not allowed access to it. The Prefect Bathroom remains spotlessly clean and fresh paired with an immediate scent of rosewater and wild honeysuckle. The white polished marble gleams prettily under the twinkling diamond chandeliers and you’re twirling enthusiastically in the center of the large undressing area.
He observes and smiles widely to himself at the sight of your happiness and cute giggles. It’s always a risk to have you use their bathroom, but he is always abusing his privilege to seek your enjoyment that he truly doesn’t care about anything else. Your morality has beaten him enough and he’s heard plenty about his wrongdoings, yet here you are… sweetly dancing in the one place that’s absolutely wrong. Perhaps, you two have rubbed off a little too much on one another.
“I can never get sick of this place.” As you plead to Doyoung to cast a bubble bath, you’re already stripping out of your skirt. He shields his eyes to give you some privacy and recites the charm to run hot dazzling water in the ginormous pool. A nice soothing bath is exactly what you two need after a stressful day playing in the dirt.
“This is your favorite place.” says Doyoung with a matter of fact edge to this tone.
“It’s my favorite place because I only get to come here with you.” You jump on his back and he hoists you up by your thighs. His heart skips a happy tune. “I refuse for you to tell me the password, even if you do wish for me to enjoy the simple pleasures of a bubble bath.”
“You and your right and wrongs.” With eager hands, you’re loosening his tie from around his neck. “You stripped so fast that you’re going to get a cold.”
“It’s going to get steamy really soon. Plus, I know you like me best without any clothes on.” Your hot breath tickles the shell of his ear and a blush scatters across Doyoung’s cheek. Button after button, his open shirt exposes his toned build. He sets you on the edge of the elevated step before the bath.
Doyoung smirks at your nakedness and your hot lustful expression. Leaning in until he’s practically breathing against your lips, he stares straight into your eyes. “My Puff knows me best.” And dives into you with all his soul. Fruitful drags of his lips along yours, his long tongue enters your mouth. His large hand carefully caresses your cheek to pull you further into the kiss, noses pressing into skin and with a desire to never part.
His heart swells lovingly, kissing you feels like the best thing in the world. There are no tricks, no spells, no recited charms, but you are more than magical. The same surge of energy runs through his veins, but unlike his impressive ability as a notable wizard, he can’t control it. You make him lose control. As meticulous and cautious as he is, you’re the first thing he doesn’t think through.
Your needy hands push off his dress shirt and he hurriedly unbuckles his belt. When you break the kiss, he automatically pouts and pulls you back in for one more lingering peck. “Are you going to scrub my back for me?” You smile, dragging him closer to the overflowing bathtub.
Large puffs of white bubbles spill from the rims and disappear with your every step. It reminds you of sea foam that washes upon the shore, with a floral fragrant that fills your lungs. “That’s quite an intimate gesture, but yes.”
After removing all his garments, he joins you in the large pool of glossy bubbles and the clouds of steam that rises from the water suffocates him warmly. He sits with his back against the wall and eyes unwavering on your alluring expression. 
The bubbles do a great job at covering your breasts, but his sneaky hands snake under the water to grip them. Doyoung grabs a full tit and thumbs over your erect nipple, all while he holds the most sensual gaze with you. Slowly, you naturally end up in his hold and your wet back relaxes against his chest.
The beating of his heart is too loud and surely, you can feel the way it jumps out of his chest. Doyoung attaches his lips on your skin and as you’re melting at his harsh suckling. However, you perk up and snap out of your dazed arousal at the realization of his purposeful licks. “You’re trying to mark me?”
His hand continues to rub and twist your aching nipples. The sensation stimulating the growth of pleasure to sprout below and your mind to wander. 
“Possibly.”
A lovers’ mark is the ultimate testament of mutual love. Engraving the skin with your beloved’s Patronus, wherever the giver chooses to mark. Love emblems are meant to be something sacred to the couple, a way to make someone completely untouchable to everyone else. Not only does the symbol glow with an iridescent shine whenever love is felt, it also numbs any romantic feelings for all others besides the partner.
Besides the use of possessiveness, it’s a beautiful way to discover one true love since the engraving of their Patronus shows up on the skin under the conditions that both individuals must be madly in love with one another. And if it doesn’t end up forming, the receiver is left with a bright, sparkling star hue in its place before fading away completely. If it does appear, it fades when both fall out of love.
“Doyoung--” His name falls from your lips as a moan and he’s running down to explore the beauty between your legs. “--can’t do that unless you actually want to commit to me.”
“I am committed to you.” The more your neck cranes off to the side and exposed to him, the more he wishes to etch the symbol of his love for everyone to see. A hand is hooked under your thigh to keep your legs spread open and you’re gasping at the slight pressure from the water.
“Romantically committed to me.” You remind him, but your train of thought is cut fairly short as Doyoung begins rubbing circles on your needy clit.
“You’re afraid of it showing up?” He’s lathering your breasts with bubbles and dragging his long finger along your slit. His greediness overtakes him and with wandering hands, he’s gripping every part of you that they can reach. Doyoung’s guilty pleasure is always going to any form of physical affection from you specifically. When he finally gets ahold of you, it’s hard for him to let go.
Your warm skin is delicate and smooth beneath the very tips of his fingers and every exploration of your terrain makes him feel inexplicable explosions of fondness. Perhaps, you’ve captivated him and although he believed it would take something as extreme as the Amortentia to have him falling for someone, you did it as easily as being yourself. His better half.
So, he’s impressed by your genuineness and how he’s willing to give up parts of his reputation to unapologetically be himself around you. No one else matters, nothing else matters, but why must it be so difficult to tell you that?
“I’m afraid of it not showing up.” You’re more than convinced that Doyoung has confused his strong sense of lust with love and there would be no possible way his Patronus would appear. It’s better to save the embarrassment for the both of you.
Spinning in his arms, the water twirls to the curves of your body and he’s admiring parts that expose above the surface. He’s matched with your beauty before him, resemblance to the stained glass window that situates above the large bathroom.
However, the doubt in your statement finally reaches his ears and he’s grabbing your ass as you settle over his thighs again. His furrowed eyebrows bring together a rather upset expression --- lip pout and all.
“Why wouldn’t it show up?” Doyoung puzzles, bringing your arms to wrap around his neck. Leaning into him, your pruney fingers trace his smooth chin and he notices your quick flicker between his eyes and his lips.
While your gentle kiss reassures him of your subtle endearment, your next words do the opposite. “You tell me.” All you do is push him away with your vague doubtfulness, like you’re constantly testing him and using his poor guessing skills to your own advantage. He can pull you close after any altercation he wants, but you push him away in any emotionally romantic sense.
“You’re rather mischievous and mysterious today,” Doyoung squeezes your ass and smacks it lightly, causing ripples in the water. “I liked it better when you told me everything you felt.”
Suddenly, his fingers poke at your entrance and his other hand drops in between your legs again. Your mouth opens in shock when his long fingers enter slowly and he enjoys the pleasurable contour of your reactions. “Like this, for example.” The pad of his fingers working rapid flicks against your sensitive bud. “How does this feel?” His whisper dances across your shoulder, landing a kiss at the end of his question.
Your moans echo in the lavish bathroom, bouncing off the marble walls and encouraging Doyoung to keep a steady pace. There’s no worry about how loud you may be, Doyoung charms every room before every lustful encounter. This allows you to let go, let free, let him know how he makes you feel.
He curves his fingers into you, pumping and dragging into your tightness until you’re practically screaming. He only has one thought, as his eyes trail down your intoxicated needy figure, how beautiful you are as a moaning mess under his control. Your head is thrown back, eyes are squeezed shut and opening them to see nothing but tiny yellow starlight.
Dainty kisses line your exposed neck line and his ego swells with so much pride. Doyoung has mastered every flick of his wrist to have you under his trance, spewing nonsensical words and forgetting anyone else that exists. He gives your erect nipples harsh licks and with a faint drag of teeth, the sensation pushes you to your end.
Sporadic pleasurable convulsions cause your legs to close around Doyoung’s hands, but the strength of his knee keeps them apart. “Doyoung… I’m going to free fall.”
Leave it up to you to beautifully announce your climax. He snickers, applying more pressure on your clit and a rubbing motion against your walls. “I’ll catch you.”
Moon crescents embed into his skin as you’re holding onto him with your whole life. As your scream hits every octave, the massive collection of bubbles that cover the surface of the bath fly and splatter every corner of the pristine room. 
White and wet bubbles drip down from the walls, falling from the diamond chandeliers, and coating every steamy mirror. Doyoung’s eyes light up from the chaos, making sure you’re riding out your high for as long as he can provide.
Your body trembles with euphoria, falling forward into Doyoung’s chest and squeezing around his lazily pumping fingers. For a brief second, your mind is wiped and nothing in the world feels better than being in this perfect moment with the one person who’s Patronus you hoped would etch your skin.
Tumblr media
If one possesses feelings that are practically unbearable to contain, one should confess… right? For all your life, you’ve lived by this statement. Friends do not hear the end of it and most surely, one should follow their own advice… right?
So why do you yearn for Doyoung in your gaze as he stands across the Great Hall as if he doesn’t know of your existence? As if he wasn’t kissing you in the Prefect bathroom a few days prior?
It’s not an understatement to say that you catch the attention of almost every person in the room, but the one head that refuses to turn your way… the one who’s looks you wish to steal… is the one person who looks right through you.
Feelings have become a nuisance ever since the first time you confessed to him and it was worse than landing on cobblestone after falling off your broom. The reason why you’ve buried them deeper than any chamber is that you’re positive that the prized Slytherin would rather be with another, preferably one from his own house.
While you try to remain optimistic and playful for the time being, you’re simply replaceable to him. He can barely care to acknowledge you in public when Gryffindors boast about you in their arms like winning a trophy. You’ve kept good relations with every Ravenclaw you’ve slept with. You’ve kindly rejected every romantic gesture another Hufflepuff has offered.
But if there is one thing you’ve learned about him is that he’s lived in his Slytherin circle for as long as he lives. And it will stay that way. You’re his sweet Hufflepuff that he’ll push away at no cost, then pull you back in secrecy.
Now if one feels as if they’re wasting their time, one should leave… right? Wrong. Kim Doyoung has skewed with your morality… and your feelings remain loyal to him since the day he confessed to see you again.
“Lemon-drop, I’ve been looking all over for you.” An arm slings around your shoulders and the notable red and gold tie is the first thing you see. Jung Jaehyun, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, flashes his deep dimples at you. “Walk with me.”
He extends his palm out for you to take and your friends painfully elbow your sides to wake you from your hesitation. Taking his hand, you get up from the dining table and follow him out the Great Hall.
Doyoung sees the scene unfold before him and rolls his eyes at how Jaehyun’s dimples are all it takes to have you wandering off with him. Despite every wicked intent to follow you two, he heads out in the direction of the dormitories to fume in his room.
“It’s such a nice and sunny day today.” Jaehyun runs a hand through his luscious brown locks. You both exit into the front courtyard as other students are scattered on the lawns mingling with one another. When you peer up at the sky, the sun is barely seen past the layers of clouds.
“Jaehyun, is there something you needed to speak with me about?” His laughter roars, full of hefty song and amusement.
“Listen, lemon-drop. I like you and I have a feeling you feel the same way. I want to mark you if you’d let me.” Jaehyun smirks and just as he brings your hand up for a kiss, you gently let go. “Am I coming off too strong? We don’t have to do it today, I just wanted to see if it would show.”
“Jaehyun, you’re going to find an extravagant person one day. A person who is going to know all your favorite castle balconies to swing from and how you like to be kissed on the nose.” His ears grow a bright red and for once, his gaze drops to the ground. “I am, unfortunately, not that person for you so I must kindly reject your confession.”
As you turn on your toes, Jaehyun lightly holds your wrist to stop you. “But, you know all those things about me. Is there anything I can do to prove that we belong together?”
“I know them because I care enough to remember things you tell me, not because I loved you enough to observe these things about you. I give you my word that there is nothing you can do to prove me otherwise.” The corners of his lips dip downward and you’re running to the one person that will erase this sad rejection from your memory.
When you’re scanning the Great Hall for any sign of him, he’s not there and it leads you to his only hiding place. Doyoung loves to shut himself out from the rest of the school whenever he gets the chance. However, a lost Hufflepuff wandering outside the entrance of the Slytherin dormitories is rather an odd sight to see and you haven’t had the chance to form many connections from this house.
The sparse amount of Slytherins you know aren’t going to be passing by, unless with some stroke of luck, someone will be kind enough to open the door for you. Every person passes by you with questionable stares until a silver haired boy blinks at you with wide eyes.
“Who is it that you’re trying to see?” He asks abrasively, but softens his tone when he realizes that you mean no harm.
You bid him a small grin, “your Prefect.”
“And what for?”
“There is an urgent matter that involves him and he’s practically unreachable when he’s hiding away in his private room.” The boy narrows his eyes at you, but beckons you to follow him down to the Slytherin dungeon.
Excitedly, you hurry behind him and whisper over his shoulder, “what’s your name?”
“Nakamoto Yuta. No need to tell me yours, I’ll doubt he’d want me to know.” He spits and then, mutters the enchanted password to reveal the large green common room. “Come this way.” He leads up the boys’ dorms and walks briskly. Although you never mentioned a name, Yuta seems to already know who you’re here to see and it makes you wonder how he must know.
“Open up.” Yuta stops and knocks at the wooden door, Kim Doyoung written in a fancy penmanship on the center. “You have a guest.” He looks your way before rolling his eyes at Doyoung’s irritated tone through the other side.
“Tell them to leave.”
“He wants you to leave.” Yuta repeats, mostly to satisfy Doyoung’s nag.
“That’s fine. Thank you for bring---” The door swings open abruptly and Yuta almost loses his balance. Doyoung frantically turns his head side to side to comprehend what he is seeing. His ears felt deceived, hearing your voice through the door, he had to make sure it wasn’t you.
But you stand before him and Yuta. Here you are approaching him whenever he least expects it. “What are you doing here?”
“I came by to see you. I’ve been here plenty of times.”
“What are you doing bringing her in?” scolds Doyoung and the other boy shrugs carelessly.
“What was I supposed to do? Let her bat puppy eyes at several other Slytherins and have her telling everyone who passes her that she came here to see our Prefect? It was also getting cold out.” Yuta mumbles, but finds great entertainment at seeing how frazzled Doyoung has gotten by your presence.
“It was a bit chilly.” You admit and Doyoung groans, pulling you into his room and shutting the door on Yuta. “Thank you, Yuta.” You whisper through the crack between the door frame.
“It’s too risky for you to be searching for me around other Slytherins.” Doyoung paces the room and you notice his tie is loose and shirt is unbuttoned around his neck. “Why are you here?”
“A Gryffindor blew me off. I thought I’d come and see you with all the free time I can get.” Taking a seat at the end of his neatly made bed, your legs swing adorably and Doyoung almost doesn’t hear you.
“Jaehyun? Does he think he’s too good for you or something? That cocky dimple Gryffindor, with the draw of my wand---” Doyoung whips out his intricately customized Dragon Heartstring, and you’re on your feet to calm his temper down.
“Will you put that thing away? I’m here for you.” Your giggle warms his tight chest and puts out the fueling flame for anyone who dares to hurt you in any way. “It’s not a big deal and it’s not the first time it has happened.”
Doyoung uncomfortably clears his throat and withdraws his wand. Buttoning up his shirt, he fixes his tie back in place. To say the least, your words erupted his festering jealousy and this may have been a small tipping point.
Before you had entered, he was so frustrated with himself and you. You can just walk away with another man without a second thought, in front of him too. He remembered the soft feeling of your body and how he’s not the only one who’s needy hands ran their course over you. That may be the one pain he can never get rid of.
“I never understood why you give other men the time of your day when they just brush you off undeservingly.” He stings and you’re slightly surprised at his sudden attack. When you respond in silence, he continues.“I thought Hufflepuffs are to be loyal, so why do you sleep with other men?”
Crossing your arms, your weight is barred on your left leg and there is a shift in your overall mood. With an eyebrow raised, you sass him back, “People say Slytherins are ambitious, so why didn’t you chase after me?”
Doyoung swallows hard and blinks at you speechless. A clammy hand runs through his black strands as he tries to find any possible explanation without confessing his feelings. If he had a plan to confess, it would never be in the middle of an inquisition with you.
“I guess you didn’t think before acting on your desires.” And how he hated how correct that statement is. He doesn’t ever think whenever he’s around you. All his actions are conducted with his emotions and the feelings that overtake him.
Doyoung scoffs, rolling his eyes at your rash comment. “Aren’t you supposed to have the strongest morality among all the houses?”
“Sleeping with multiple men isn’t morally wrong. There’s nothing wrong with it…” The slight hurt from his question is difficult to ignore, but you must remember one thing if you want to protect your heart on your sleeve. This is nothing serious to be bickering over. You two aren’t anything serious, so why feel the need to squabble over nonsense? “... it would only be wrong if someone liked me and wished to commit to me.”
Your eyes meet and Doyoung blinks at you with wide eyes. His Adam’s Apple bobs as he gulps again, completely whiplashed at how the conversation has turned. “And if that’s the case and you like me, would that make you jealous, Doyoung? That’s why you’re trying to poorly attack my character?” He’s never heard such a strong taunt in your tone and he’s baffled by it, slightly aroused, but shocked.
“I don’t like you.” His voice is small and he pouts his lips at you. Doyoung crosses his arms and perhaps, his sad expression reveals a little more than it should have. Your heart softens at his ridiculously cute response, had you expected something much more angry and vindictive.
“Then this conversation is over, right? I’ll be on my way now. I have herbology.”
“We have the same class.” He grumbles, grabbing his robe from his desk chair.
You open the door to make your exit, “but since you don’t want to be seen with a Hufflepuff, I’ll go ahead first.” When you stumble out into the hallway, a recognizable face brightens at your appearance.
“Haechan! Hello, I haven’t seen you in a while.” You’re cheering and Doyoung chews the inside of his cheek. His pride is left at the door and along with all the things that hold him back from you, he doesn’t want to push you away anymore.
“My favorite Hufflepuff, are you just leaving?” Haechan walks up to open his arms, wishing to embrace you in the longest hug. However, Doyoung quickly takes you by your hand and rushes past him.
“She came to walk with me to class. Bye Haechan.” And Haechan is left standing in the middle of the hallway, confused and watching your backs as you’re both briskly walking out the common room.
Doyoung looks back at you, “you think I’m going to let you walk out of my room and have another Slytherin walk you to class? Don’t be so foolish.”
But you are foolish. Your heart beats foolishly and loudly for Kim Doyoung. And may you be foolish enough to wonder if his heart does the same for you.
And it does. Foolishly. Loudly. Lovingly.
Tumblr media
You both wonder if this vicious cycle will ever meet its end. Doyoung pushes you away by ignoring your existing relationship, but pulls you back into his embrace as if it never happened. You push him away by running off with other men, but come back to him as if he’s the one person you’re loyal to.
But on this particular night, after mass circulation of rumors reaches the ears of the lovesick Slytherin, Doyoung is pulling you away from your huddled group of friends in the middle of the long corridor hallways. Without any greeting, any spoken words, he’s dragging you to his room right in front of everyone to see. His hand around yours like it was two days prior, but with an expression so grave on his sullen face.
The silence between you two brings no comfort, but you don’t dare say the first words. Doyoung, finally, approached you first in public and it is possibly for a greater reason. Perhaps you’ve done something horribly wrong, and the moment you two step into his room that you’ll hear a mouthful.
However when he closes the door to his room, your hand immediately drops from his embrace and he turns to face you. There is a darkness in his eyes, one that light cannot touch, and his lips are tight in a line.
There is an eerie silence that fills the dark room and the murky windows paint the area an ominous green. Doyoung focuses on your confused, yet adorable expression. “Why did you lie to me?”
The door catches your slight stumble and you’re blinking cluelessly at him. “About what?”
“Jaehyun.” He breathes the name in spite and aggressively loosens his tie. “He didn’t blow you off. You rejected him and he’s telling everyone it's because you’re in love with someone else.”
You scorn at such a ridiculous rumor and for the fact that it’s even made its way around to Doyoung. Another realization hits you. All it took for him to approach you in public is a meaningless rumor.
So in response, you laugh and it mocks him further. “This is not a laughing matter, y/n.”
“I’m sorry, but why are you so upset at that? Fine. I did lie to you, but I never told Jaehyun I was in love with anyone else.”
“Are you in love with someone else?” Doyoung says with balled fists at his side. There is a mixture of anger and sadness running through his veins and he’s so sick of feeling this way.
Your hesitation speaks for you, “It’s better that you don’t know.”
“You say this every time and it does nothing to ease my conscience.” Doyoung throws his hands in the air and stares at you with sharp eyes. “Is that why you were afraid that my emblem wouldn’t show up? Because your heart belongs to another. Yeah, I heard Jaehyun wanted to mark you too.”
Men and their constant want to prove something to themselves with their marks. Everyone has a twisted reality of markings now. There have been many others who have tried to mark you, feeling as if lust would be enough to suffice its appearance. As one's Patronus is special to their own protection, a beloved’s Patronus mark holds the same value.
You’re quite at a loss for words, “I was afraid that it wouldn’t show up, not because of myself, but because of you.”
Doyoung points at himself in disbelief. Him? He loves you more than anyone he’s ever encountered, even if you didn’t know it. “I wouldn’t have almost tried it if I wasn’t sure of myself.”
“You don’t love me, Doyoung. I don’t even know if I can even say you romantically like me.” Those words hurt the both of you and it lingers in the room for longer than you’d like.
“Do you think I fuck you meaninglessly like all those other losers you sleep with?” Doyoung steps forward, pulling you into his chest and admiring everything he’s fallen in love with. A pain spreads across his heart as he thinks of you with another person, of someone else kissing you, of someone else making you happy.
“You really don’t feel it in the way I kiss you?” He asks once more and your own stare drops to his shoulder, a bit ashamed to maintain eye contact with such pained eyes.
“And if I did? How would you explain that? That you are actually in love with me?” Your questions pelt him like rocks. As he pushes you on his bed, you pull him down with his tie.
Doyoung drinks you up like fresh water, a crisp and refreshing love that encourages him to reach heights. His hand cups your face and his feather touches reminds you of his gentleness. Your lips taste like sweet honey, dripping and coating him with a sticky sugar.
He’s happier with you and he’s the happiest kissing you. Perhaps, it’s hard for him to express with words, but he’d always hope his actions speak louder. So, his lips press against yours with a whirl of passion and every good feeling that grows in his chest.
The collar of his shirt is wrinkled in your fist and you’re holding him as if you’re afraid of him letting go. Doyoung runs a hand down your torso and lifts the end of your skirt up. A warm hand pushes your legs apart and a finger presses your clit through your cotton panties.
Your mouth opens into a moan and he takes this opportunity to shove his long tongue inside, lapping with your own. As a wet spot forms on your panties, he pulls them to the side and gathers the slick to gently rub your erect clit. His name is lost and muffled in the kiss, but you tap at his chest.
When he breaks away and halts all movement, he looks down over you with a fire burning in his dark orbs. And a confession falls from his swollen lips, “may I mark you?”
“And if it doesn’t show up?” Though, you’re wishing to the most powerful wizards that it does or else your heart would shatter into a million pieces beyond repair.
He bites his lip and every possible outcome scatters his thoughts. It’s too hard to concentrate, so he doesn’t at all. He focuses on your pretty lips and the way you look at him like he’s the only person that matters. “Then, we’ll deal with the consequences later.”
With your quick nod, Doyoung attaches his lips to your neck and harshly sucks at your skin. For the most part, it’s a pleasurable feeling and sends a shiver down your spine. So, he licks and nibbles until he can barely breathe. Your faint scent of patchouli and ginger intoxicates him, wraps him up in a fuzzy coziness that is unmatched.
Your hands unbutton his shirt and a final gentle bite seals his mark. If the love is reciprocated, the emblem would take a moment to form. Doyoung is rather hopeful and excited, as he’s never seen his Patronus before. “You look beautiful.”
“And you look dazed as if someone charmed you.” You giggle and kiss his red lips.
“You’re quite the powerful one, my Puff.” He smiles against your jaw before proceeding to your mess down below. He gives your aching clit a few licks, which cause your body to twist and turn at the sensitive sensation.
“Please, I haven’t felt you in so long.” Whining and tugging at his hair, Doyoung leaves a lasting kiss and gets up to remove his pants.
“Did you miss me?” Doyoung raises a suggestive eyebrow and cocks his head to the side in mockery, a smirk growing on his face.
You reply with a silly response that only he knows and causes him to chuckle, “unfortunately.” And he’s finding every way not to confess his endearments for you.
His dick stands tall and proud against his abdomen, giving it a few jerks as he watches you strip out of your own clothes. You turn around and sit on your knees, with a slight tilt forward and the arch in your back to accentuate your ass.
Doyoung rolls on the protection as quickly as he can. His hands lightly smack your cheeks and slowly enters your dripping hole. His hands grip your hips as he slides deeper into you, both being moaning messes at the delicious feeling.
“Have you always been this big?” You look back at him and to which he devilishly smiles at you.
“You know just the way to fuel my ego,” when his length is fully buried inside of your tight walls, he wraps an arm around your waist and a hand on your tit. “After all the times you’ve been fucked, your pussy is still as tight as ever.”
Doyoung slams hard into you, showing no mercy and causing you to jolt up. He takes every frustration, every feeling of anger, every ounce of jealousy into his thrusts. “But you take me so well, darling. I’ve never seen someone as pretty as you.”
His compliments cause your heart to soar, despite the soreness you’re beginning to feel in your pussy. He’s relentless, bottoming out until his tip is practically in your guts. “Just like that, baby. You’re the only one who fucks me this good.”
He blushes under the low light and leans forward to kiss the top of your head. “My Puff, you’re so sweet to me.” The loud squelch of your tight pussy gripping his dick fills the hot room, “and so wet.”
You’re shamelessly dripping on his green velvet blanket and Doyoung picks up his speed. Your knees give out as you fall face forward into the mattress, hands in fists from the incredible pleasure of every hit. Your ass now in his full view and every tingle of magic lights up in his veins.
Your throat is raw from screaming and moaning, Doyoung holds your hips steady to thrust into a new angle. Automatically, your body twitches as his tip hits your special spot and he’s well aware that you’re close to releasing.
And with his fast thrusts, he asks you an intimate question that is fueled by envy and rage. “If I fuck you the best, then why do you sleep with other men?”
There are no thoughts in your mind to even give him a white lie, to mask the truth of your actions. He’s fucking you into an oblivion that it’s hard to even focus on anything besides pleasure. The books on his shelf begin to tremble as you’re crying out, “I- I don’t know! Fuck, please… ! I’m tipping over.”
“Answer the question or I will stop.” He’s absolutely cynical and you have every reason to believe his threat. Doyoung lifts your limp body upright, against his torso and an arm secured around your middle as before. His hand snakes to your clit, rubbing feathering circles over the neglected bud.
Nonetheless, his single action paired with his tip grazing harshly against the particular spot causes your legs to tremble. “Do you want me to stop?” His threat rings in your ears when you still left him without an answer.
You’re so close, you’re starting to see white. So, you say what your heart tells you and the truth falls from your lips in a loud confession. “Because I wanted you to love me instead! I fucked them to forget about my love for you… fuck, I’m--”
“I’ve got you. Let go of yourself, baby.” Doyoung slows his hips when your walls squeeze around him sporadically. Every book flies out and hits the opposite wall, clattering the floor with heavy academia. However, he repeats your proclamation endlessly in his mind and his heart surges with the most intense romantic desires.
“I do love you, y/n.” He whispers, cumming into his rubber and simply holding you tightly. He lets go of every prideful arrogance in his body, tossing the lame reputation he always tried to hold onto. He didn’t need that if it meant losing you. Doyoung chuckles to himself for being an obvious cliché, announcing one’s love in the midst of a lustful act. He pulls out and gently tucks you into the covers.
Breathless, you’re finally realizing his confession. “You do? Are you sure?” Any subtle movements has your aching lower half in pain, so you settle with resting on his plush pillows and await for him to join you in bed.
All this time, from beginning to now, you’ve been oblivious to his yearning looks across the Great Hall. The intensity of his kisses had been lost upon you completely as you had convinced yourself that he was incompatibly of loving you back. Even now, as you lay in slight doubt, you’re wondering how you managed to have everything fly over your head. 
When he discards his used protection and with a quick flick of his wrist, every book finds its original place on the shelf again, he enters the warm covers. Your arms wrap around his neck and you’re admiring each other’s expressions in the low light. He spots the notable twinkle in your eyes and his thumb lightly rubs your cheek.
“If the symbol of my Patronus doesn’t show, I promise to love you harder until it does.” Doyoung leaves the softest, most loving kiss on your lips. He’s more than thankful for the lack of light as he’s bashfully red all over his cheeks.
“Usually, people just give up.” Your voice is harsh, possibly from the deafening screaming of pleasure prior.
Doyoung shakes his head. He’s made too many mistakes in this relationship with you. Sleeping with another. Ignoring your existence. Being too prideful to be seen with another house. All these incidents have made him feel nothing but ugliness and distraught, and pushed you away further than how much he is able to pull you back.
He loves you. He’s in love with you. He’s fallen for you recklessly as you did off your broom the first encounter. You’re everything he’s never been and never will be, yet you don’t care. You’re by his side, despite his spitefulness and you never miss a beat. That innocent youth approach to love, oh how he wishes it never faded, and though he thought it did, it didn’t. You remain true to your character when he fights with himself internally.
“That would be a mistake and I can’t afford to keep making them.” A glossy sheen over Doyoung’s regretful eyes, but you pull him closer and you refuse to let his eyes wander.
A tired harmless sigh escapes your lips and a dreamy haze overcomes you. Besides the reminder of needing to use the bathroom flashing in your mind, there is nothing else you want to dissect. Feelings are too complex to discuss at the moment and the resolve has already passed.
Regardless of the marks appearing, you’re content with the night and for the rest of your days. Kim Doyoung, the Slytherin boy of your dreams, loves you back and the power of that alone beats any spell in those dusty old textbooks.
“Why can’t we lay here forever?” Your heavy eyelids fall slowly and your voice grows small.
Doyoung kisses your shoulder, then your neck. “That’s impossible. I can’t give you forever.” He mumbles against your skin, sending vibrations across your throat.
“You are my forever.” Doyoung halts and is left speechless as a white glowing entity catches his eye. And the absolute perfect outline of his Patronus sits underneath your jaw, brightly shining with iridescent brilliance --- he makes out the outline: a White Swan, representing his love for you. Doyoung smiles to himself and hopes for it to never fade. Perhaps, he can give you forever.
Tumblr media
some fun critical questions to think about hehe -
why do you think y/n lied to doyoung about jaehyun confessing? why do you think yuta helped y/n enter the Slytherin dormitories? what is the meaning behind the White Swan Patronus? Why do you think y/n continued to like doyoung after all this time?
there are no right or wrong answers, just something fun to have you thinking a little more about the fic haha if you want, you can send me an ask about it :) but overall, no pressure and thank you for reading! please leave me some feedback if you can! happy new year!
READ NEXT PART
4K notes · View notes
kimsnnn · 3 years
Text
Part 2
Disclaimer: This post is in favor of my ship, Elriel. No hate, just an opinion. This is what makes sense to me. If this isn't your cup of tea, and it came up on your feed, no worries just skip please. 
With all this in mind Elriel to me just seems so clear.
The enemy is Koschei and Vassa is the only one to be directly linked to and affected by him so she will be the one to defeat him, plan and give us insight from the inside because she is the one who is captive. She has a personal interest in defeating him and that victory and moment is rightfully hers to own.
She will get a book. Her being a firebird means nothing? why would people assume she won't have a conscious while in that form when Rhys, Tamlin and Helion do?  Why do people believe that a story cant be developed and moved along as a firebird? Has any one ever read a werewolf book? Im soooo confused. I mean why is that a end all? Even as a firebird she can see and reveal so much, and as a person even more.
The main original characters that have a direct link to Feyre from the very beginning before Hybern, Amarantha, and ACOWAR are Nesta, Elain and Lucien. Those are the characters that make the most sense to have their own book. Not Tamlin who is of no importance to Feyre anymore. Who is of importance and who where her first family Lucien basically becoming her first brother. She is always concerned for these people. If you take a look at all of Feyre’s POV in ACOFAS its always showcasing her concern or confusion for  Her sisters, Lucien and even Mor (possible novella).  These three individuals (N&E&L) are the ones she has an original relationship with and the most history, a shaky relationship that has room to be improved on. These are the wildcards, the ones who have wronged her in some way, the ones who’s stories NEED to be told. Three different people three different stories.
If you also take a look at Rhys’ POV in order, you realize he talks to or refers to 5 people usually:
Cassian, Azriel, Mor, Tamlin & Lucien
Each of these first 5 POV also directly touches on what issues exactly are pertaining to them or could be pertaining to them if that had their own book OR how they may contribute to the whole over arching plot.
If we conclude everything from those first 5 chapters ( I'm not including the rest because its too much, and they also include these 5 characters regardless) of importance this is what we have and what each book may touch on.
1st POV: involves
-Cassian - Illyrian dissent, inequality, Nesta, queen Braiylln, training female Illyrians,
-Cassian’s role
2nd POV: involves
-Azriel-shadows/powers strength, Az’s past, confusion on shadowsinger abilities, Illyrian dissent/hate, Human queens, Hyberns people, Human lands, Vassa’s situation,
-Az’z emotions (& concealing of emotions) on : Lucien, Elain, Possibly Az’s mom and her whereabouts (Rosehall).
3rd POV:
-Tamlin/Lucien-SC and Tamlin current state and down fall, alliance with Tamlin, peace/future, Lucien’s and Tamlin’s relationship, Anger/Hate/Remorse/Defeat/Hope/Empty, Feyre
-Feyre-Tamlin, Rhys’ actions and remorse
-Jeweler(Neve)-no jewels for Feyre, Neve’s background
4th POV:
-Velaris estates along the Sidra before and after hybern,
-Mor: Rhys and mor’s relationship currently, Kier/Eris/CoN
-The CoN people occupied the Velaris estates (they left Hewn City before the division of the NC)
-Kiers upcoming visit to Velaris in Spring (the hewn city’s containment and curiosity)
-Mor’s Mother/ desire to leave the NC
-Mor’s Role
Rhys’ 1st POV which included Cassian and Cassian’s following POV/Chapter was a foreshadow to ACOSF completely. Everything touched was basically addressed in ACOSF.  Rhys basically told Mor and Cassian to assume different jobs and roles (to lessen Azriel’s world load) in their chapters which came true in ACOSF.
A bond between Elain and Lucien does not mean they will have a book. If I'm honest they remind me a little of Nesyrn and Chaol who seemed like with time something could blossom between them but in reality just weren't for one another and were better off as friends. All that connects these two is an unwanted bond, a person they both have wronged yet care about (Feyre) and an incident that resulted in Elain’s trauma. Everyone thought Elain who is literally everything to Nesta, who Nesta would have sacrificed everything for, would be more involved, yet she wasn't even present in the majority of Nesta’s book, at least not as present as we thought she would be. But she was mentioned throughout ACOSF nearly in every chapter because Elain does and has impacted Nesta’s life completely.This is something I expect to happen for Elain’s book as well. Yes Lucien will appear but perhaps the purpose of his appearance would be to get closure and fill in questions left unanswered. If ACOTAR 5 is an Elriel book and not ACOTAR 6 then her book will also serve to set up for his book with Vassa.
Feyre’s relationship with the IC is fine and any issues can be resolved in the books of the others (like for example as Love interests) or in a novella.
Cassian had a POV, the second main role in ACOSF but.. ACOSF was Nesta’s story.
The same can be said for Elriel’s book as well as Vassien’s.
And yes a male can have a book like Chaol did but in my opinion it won't be Az with Gwyn being the second main POV. It will be Lucien with Vassa who has far more ties to the IC and to the over arching plot. Vassa at least has met Feyre the main character of the whole ACOTAR world.
Hypothetically speaking lets say Az does get a book and ends up with Gwyn and the plot is about the Illyrian camp. Their story would most likely be written as a novella if anything not an actual book, there is not many ties that Gwyn has so far to the whole plot at least not yet. But getting a novella still wouldn't make sense when we have characters, who are not only closer to the plot but also provide an opportunity to get info/support to win this war, like Mor who is spending time in Vallahan, and Tamlin who’s literal court is not only in shambles but unfortunately detrimental to the success of attaining peace.
I do think Gwyn is more important to this plot then most give her credit for but I dont believe that necessarily means shes due a book or a main POV especially over Vassa. And Emerie.
Vassa who has direct link to koschei the main issue, point and villain of the plot and Emerie who has a direct link to Illyria and its backward ways in everything most importantly on its stance of women and their roles.
SJM Set Elriel to be endgame because it just makes the most sense. Not only because of their connection, moments and relationship thus far but because that's what makes the most sense with this plot. There’s no spinoff in the works.
There’s no reason for Gwyn or ANYONE for that matter to be the one to defeat koschei over Vassa, no reason to have the hugest wedge between Elucien while building a bridge for Elriel, no reason to build and hint for Mor’s leave and put emphasis on Tamlin & the SC’s dire situation.
Has anyone considered if Lucien wants to even be HL ?
Lucien’s future as a highlord comes down to if he even wants to even become the Day Court’s High lord in the first place.
Lucien thought less of humans and was indifferent to them in ACOTAR yet now has found a home and friends among them. ‘
Truthfully the BOE’s work in the same way that the IC does and the Valkyerie.
Actually scratch that the Valkyerie work exactly like the BOE’s.
Yet can anyone imagine any of the Valkyrie leaving their group or be far from each other especially if one of their member’s is their possible love interest ?
They will choose each other and they will create a future where they are all together.
I don’t see lucien who has finally found stability and friends leaving the BOE’s to play high lord at Day court unless Vassa and Jurian decide to leave with him. Which seems unlikely. The only way I see that happening is if vassien truly becomes endgame resulting in Vassa going to Day court. But where does that leave Jurian.
I believe that after the Beron and AC issues are resolved, that Eris will ascend and become HL, Lady Autumn will leave to be FINALLY with Helion to be Lady Day 😍, and Lucien can enjoy his life in the mean time with his found family, stay as an emissary and possibly prepare to be Day’s HL down the line in the future.
48 notes · View notes
foilfreak · 3 years
Note
I really love how you write Moreau. I was wondering if you had any tips for writing his character?
Aaaaaah thank you so much I really appreciate the wonderful ask!!!!! Oh gosh, I don’t know if Im in any position to be offering my own writing advice to people necessarily, but Ill do my best! Im a little confused as to whether you mean how I write Moreau as a character in general, or just in dialogue, so I guess Ill do a little bit of both.
When it comes to Moreau as a character, he can more or less be broken down into a few key characteristics that make up the bulk, if not all, of his personality, and when I do my writing, I find it really helpful to have these key terms on hand, or at the very least in mind, when im writing characters because its a lot easier for me to describe and manipulate a character and their actions when I have a concrete idea of how they are likely to respond and react to certain things based on their respective personality traits, the key characteristics i mentioned earlier, rather than vague, abstract ideas that give me an end goal but no reliable or consistent way to get there, if that makes sense. For example, we know that Moreau is a very self-loathing and pitiful character, so i make sure to add lots of scenes where Moreau is taking pity on himself and his situation, actively insulting or berating himself whenever he does something wrong too, and even wishing for death at one point, because at his core, and due to mother Miranda’s horrible influence on him, moreau hates himself and believes that he is a worthless monster who deserves to die a slow and horrible death and then rot for eternity in hell, so it would make no sense for him to be a socially strong and confident individual or even particularly chipper, when we’ve been shown countless times that he couldnt be more opposite to that. Now, that being said however, humans are not one dimensional, and although we know that Moreau is capable of being very naive, overly-devoted, self-loathing, and pitiful, that’s not all that there is to him, not even close. If youre leaning into the tragic aspects of Moreau’s character when writing him, then you definitely want to go heavy on the self-hating parts of his personality, but the point of my fic isn’t to lean into the tragic aspects of his character, its to say “I see Capcom implying that Moreau is hideous, disgusting, and undeserving of love or kindness from anyone, and to that I say FUCK OFF, YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” (Lol). In all seriousness though, If you’re aiming for something a little similar to what Im going for, which is to explore the sides of Salvatore outside of just the self-loathing and pitying, that are still there, deep down, but maybe only come out around certain people, or need a bit more coaxing before resurfacing after being dormant for so long following the cadou mutations, then you’ll want to add key words like “intelligent”, “witty”, or even “crafty” to your bank of key words that make up your overall understanding of Moreau’s character... if that makes sense (i hope it does cuz idk how else to explain this).
In terms of writing Moreau’s dialogue, there’s two ways I could phrase this answer: the simple way and the complicated way. Im gonna try and do the simple way and hope it actually turns out simple enough for people to understand what tf im talking about. Anyways, due to Moreau’s mutations, his brain has been heavily impacted, resulted in a great many mental and physical process having been potentially fucked up in the process, including but not limited to: speech difficulties, memory issues, motor issues, visual impairments, cognitive processing, etc, etc, the list of things that could be wrong with Moreau is literally endless when you know as much about the brain, and more importantly all the ways it can go wrong, as I do (and I don’t even know all of them). But long story short, ive more or less chosen a few of these issues and decided to highlight them, implicitly, when writing him. In terms of his dialogue, Moreau likely suffers from some sort of speech and/or language disorder (the distinction between these two concepts is incredibly important in my field of study and the fact that i will be lumping in them together as one thing for the sake of a simpler explanation pains me and my bachelors degree greatly, but I wont bore you with that drivel today), meaning that his ability to both produce and comprehend language is probably pretty fucked up and you can see that reflected in the way I write how he talks: lots of stuttering - on letters, as well as syllables, words, and even entire phrases in some cases, rephrasing sentences halfway through saying them so that the end result is more clear or accurate, as well as lots and lots and lots and lots of pauses, so many pauses for this man because he’s a bit of a slow talker and he needs a lot of time to compose his thoughts and turn them into concise sentences compared to most people. These are all just my own personal details that I like to add to my writing because my actual field of study is speech, langauge, and hearing sciences, so I know a lot about the brain and how damage to it can impact ur speech, language, and communication, however if you’re not interested in going all out like a crazy person, then my best advice would be to, at the very least, add little touches of stuttering or pausing here and there. Maybe instead of every line of dialogue, you lonely put it every other line, enough that its present and recognizable as moreau talking, but not enough that its “too much”.
Idk if any of this made sense but I did my absolute best to try and answer your question to the best of my ability, even if it turned into more of a lecture and explanation than just a simple list of tips 😅. Hopefully you got something out of this, even if it was just a quick view into the hurricane that is my brain at all hours of the day. Thank you so much for the amazing ask, it was so much fun to answer and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!!!
26 notes · View notes
buttercupbuck · 3 years
Note
i feel like these people just bulldoze through the complexity of buck and maddie survivoring childhood neglect/abuse. in maddies case, she ended up in an abusive relationship bc its so much harder to recognize those signs, and thus advocate for yourself/have a support system, when some of those signs are your reality at a young age. buck might have some complicated feelings still bc what he knows now of maddies situation doesn't result in those hurt feelings instantly going away from when she left when he was younger, but that doesn't mean he blames or thinks horrendously of her. his feelings are his alone to sort through. there is an incredible complexity when you go through abuse/neglect with a sibling, especially when there's a larger difference in age. it might be the same parents, but it doesn't necessarily mean the same treatment and certainly doesn't mean individuals react the same. we've seen multiple times buck forgive maddie, even in the situations she didn't need to be forgiven for; im tired of people blaming her.
i have a lot of issues with how the show has portrayed abuse, namely with how the show doesn't acknowledge the s1 therapist or the buckley parents as such. and the nurse thats maddies friend is such a frustrating thing bc healthcare workers are trained extensively so that should've been handled differently. but maddie doing her best to protect her brother and the time we've seen her heal has been wonderfully done. i will say having her pregnant after it was established she wasn't sure she wanted kids and narratively it was clear she was taking her relationship slow and her own pace (which is refreshing change) was frustrating, but even that they've done well with.
if people gonna spend so much energy, spend it on the things that are wrong - the parents, the shows flimsy stance on abuse, etc.
(and in case it wasn't obvious, this is from an abuse survivor.)
yes all of this….why some fans feel the need to punish and blame maddie for her trauma is just. so so ugly 
and like literally no one is saying that buck’s feelings aren’t valid, but he and most of us can recognize that it’s more complex than “maddie’s just selfish and left him to fend for himself because she doesn’t care about him.” 
even as a child buck could see that she was deeply unhappy (“i always felt like you were sad too”) and just as she wanted happiness for him, he did as well for her. so while he was upset about her leaving, he was still proud of her and just wanted her to be happy. but of course, it didn’t work out that way. because doug saw someone he thought he could manipulate and crush under his wing, and he robbed her of all of that for so long
so yeah they can empathize with buck plenty, but their well is absolutely empty for the woman who was gradually isolated and cut off from the only person she could count on, or the woman who had to suffer years and years of abuse alone. 
and if buck had been the one in her situation, there would be nothing but understanding and empathy for him. (a bit of a tangent, but i’m kind of thinking of the flash and its fandom’s discussions of leonard snart, who was also an older sibling that moved away from their abusive home. and as wack as i remember that fandom being, i don’t remember anyone blaming him for not staying in that situation, or implying he was abusive/selfish/neglectful or any of the things that people imply about maddie.) so. again, it’s just a little telling that these people are capable of endless empathy when it’s a man, but become punitive and completely unsympathetic when it’s a woman. 
also yes it feels very weird that of anything these people could choose to “correct” about canon, it’s buck’s (and the other characters’) empathy and understanding towards maddie, a survivor of domestic violence. and they’re so proud about it too, and it’s truly just. really fucking sad. 
14 notes · View notes
constablegoo · 3 years
Text
@astralglam​​​​ filed a report .
mint: does your muse view themself as virtuous & moral? what do these words mean to them?
OHOHO. hey hi ily. this is, of course, one of odo’s deepest ongoing battles, and the moment he stops questioning it is the moment he becomes a founder.
the founders grant themselves god status.  GOD!  status. they just reach out and pluck it. Within their range of power, the founders become unquestionably Just and Virtuous and Moral, their Word becomes Law, it becomes “the way things are” and “fact” and they create their own reality stemming from thousands of years of intense xenophobia. they’re above it all. gods don’t make mistakes, right? sure, maybe changelings were hunted and feared ages ago but they still fear it, and that drive for Order and Control over the galaxy is now encoded into their genes and they place a companion structure into the genes of every other species they control, subjugating them to the founders’ own cozy position as Gods, or-- ‘gods’. the founder (i rly don’t like saying “female” founder so she’s THE Founder. she speaks for the link.) makes it quite clear on many occasions that the founders are not here to negotiate. they fully intend to control EVERYTHING at any cost. it is absolutely  chilling  when she cuts garak down with: “they’re dead. you’re dead. cardassia is dead.” and draws the line between the dominion and everyone else miles deep into the sand.
that same genetic coding is one of the first semi-concrete things odo comes to understand about himself and, horribly, he’s landed into conditions under the occupation that very easily could have taken advantage of a less meticulous or stubborn changeling. no, odo says initially (and incorrectly), i am not bajoran** and i am not cardassian and i stand apart from either side of this conflict and so i am bound to PURE Virtue and Morality because of it. he can’t be bribed or bought or won over, and he won’t allow for anything less than a kind of incorruptibility. this effectively wins him allies (and enemies) on both sides, however -- that’s just not how the universe works. the truth of it is that no matter how much he tells himself he is not a part of their regime, his working with the cardassians makes him a collaborator in that he has then recognized their authority and ultimately upheld their legitimacy, even if he never agreed with the cause, even if he was also on some level a casualty of it. at some point when he moves past ‘contract’ investigation and begins to work permanently, he falls into the trap of thinking Order is the same thing as Justice... huge yikes. in that moment he becomes a true and apathetic villain, but he’s subsequently haunted by the resulting execution of innocents. it shakes something up in him. years pass and he still wonders, what other mistakes has he made? what other less direct consequences of his ‘neutral’ arbitration exist? he (and everyone around him) has to live without really knowing, and it’s a constant reminder to him of the power he holds and it informs his understanding of what Real (and imperfect) Justice Means.
**sidenote but later in s7 he introduces himself as ‘from bajor’ and AAAAAA. its good. very good. yeah, you’re bajoran, odo. he gets it now.
Mirror odo is really the ultimate example of an odo having taken those instincts to extremes in an environment that rewarded him for them -- there is no guilt there, and even a sadistic kind of pleasure in it. i’d argue that gaia!odo is another, less extreme example of an odo who’s been alone too long and lost sight of things when he single-mindedly (and against kira’s wishes) chooses her (one person) over 8000. like holy shit? NOT ok? uhhuhhhhfff. anyway. very fortunately, neither of these are OUR odo, but act as great foils to reflect on the worst (bastard cop) qualities or potential qualities of our goo pushed to highly visible extremes, which star trek just loves to do all the time.
but regular/prime odo isnt exactly a rule-follower, either. throughout his life, he frequently takes things into his own hands, uses his abilities to his advantage, spies, wiretaps, eavesdrops, and yes, harasses [quark] sometimes -- he develops his own set of values and personal rules and follows them; even starfleet comes in wary of him and how he operates and hes on thin ice. but because of possibly his most redeeming quality, odo is able to adapt those self-ordained values toward something increasingly honest: for how rigid he can be in personality, he is HIGHLY influenced by the world around him,  listens hard  to what his friends and allies have to say and adapts that feedback; this allows him to evolve and grow and take important matters to heart. he becomes more flexible and better able to hold onto what’s really most important after locking into a decision, because above all else, he is passionately committed to doing the Right Thing. he PLEADS with himself in things past, “your job is to find the truth, not obtain convictions.” by his tendency to push back against what is laid down as ‘law’ (something he becomes more and more aware of and effective at doing) as not always being good or right, or necessarily even creating Order (the thing he’s driven genetically to want), he prepares himself to challenge the most deadly voice of authority -- that of his own people.
so... yes and no. odo’s role and persona as ‘your average security chief’ might dictate that he be virtuous and moral, but he so obviously can’t fit the same exact mold as others in his position -- he has these insane abilities and this mind-consuming nature and it requires he tread with extra care, but he also has a potential for more adaptive, more nuanced morality. he has to build up his own definitions to the words, constantly examine and tease and test them, or else he risks straying too far from what he really wants to achieve -- harmony, honest justice. he has to accept that he’s a part of the system he operates in (not, in fact, alone or isolated! something he actually wants), and know that he is not exempt from making the wrong choice, just like anybody else.
carnation: what is your muse’s relationship with their gender? how do they express or not express this relationship?
ODO AND GENDER!!! i love odo and gender. let’s take this one step at a time. he starts out as an amorphous glob -- he has no gender. there’s no basis for assignment, no culture of difference, and all the goos are goo. odo takes on the shape of the first living thing he sees / the thing he sees most frequently: dr mora. he adopts an image of masculinity from mora and he adopts the hair. that’s about it, and it’s pretty much arbitrary. (maybe the hair is simple enough for his skills, too?) the next people odo meets are also these very masculine, military, cardassian leaders, so again -- this is all he knows! this is neutrality. i imagine it takes him some time to work out what the differences in gender are, and sex, and orientation, romantic vs sexual stuff, all of that. it’s all got cultural baggage he knows nothing about and does not experience, and he’s also dealing with multiple, clashing cultures to boot. since he doesnt have any strong inherent leaning, he simply opts out. he/him becomes his default because thats where he started, thats what he’s been able to successfully present and how people know him, and, terrifyingly, under cardassian rule, it probably offered a bit of safety, too, which was obviously something he needed at the time.
way way way way way down the line in season seven, odo asks kira to (paraphrasing) look at me. what do you see? [i see you.] but this is NOT me, this is only a shape ive assumed in order to fit in. she says, yes, i know that. but this is who you have chosen to be. “a man. a good and honest man.” (i knowww shes not really talking abt gender here BUT) its hard as a trans person not to read the metaphor. he’s chosen to express SOMETHING. he’s chosen something other than what he was given (neutrality) and although he doesnt personally buy into what ‘masculinity’ “should be” (ie the ferengi, smh) / would certainly not argue he doesnt feel non-binary, this is how he has presented all his life, its how hes been treated, and it is what he has chosen to adhere to. there’s a choice in that, kira’s right, and now it reflects something about him.
parallel this, i’ll mention the “female” founder again bc of course there is no discernable reason for her to have a gender -- other than to appeal (im not talking sexually here although there’s,, obviously weird shit happening with the link... yike) to odo in the sense that until that point odo has lived with “gendered” individuals and, i think importantly, kira is with them when they first meet. i think its safe to say the founder saw her, figured she was a friend/ally to odo or at least familiar to him, and took her general representation to appeal as a friend/ally.
otherwise... why, honestly? the founder’s got NO love of humanoids lmao why would she bother.
anyway i’d like to see odo experiment a bit. because when hes safe, he can!! aside from his own doubts and insecurities about shapeshifting, at some point he really has no reason not to, at least a little bit. really, it should just be another thing to practice, much like becoming a convincing rock or a leaf, its just that there are other significances in the cultures around him. i’d just like to see him loosen up a little. have fun. grow ur hair out a bit, odo, why are u still looking like ur terrible dad.
5 notes · View notes
miastideclock · 4 years
Text
Seventeen (Vocal Unit) Meeting Their Ex Girlfirend
Can you do a seventeen vocal unit reaction of meeting again their ex but they already have a girlfriend, anyways her ex stays as a friend and end up dating another member (like she is Joshua's ex but now is Jeonghan's girlfriend). I hope you like it, uwu.
word count: 2975
Woozi / Jeonghan
You rush out of the house so you have time to drop by your favorite coffee shop before work. The past few nights has been hectic, so you know you needed your caffeine before showing up. The cool air conditioning of the coffee shop hugged around you upon entering, cooling you down from the late summer sun outside. You ordered your usual and sat down by a table, waiting for your name to be called. A few short minutes later, a barista called it out for everyone to hear, making you jump to your feet.
"Y/N?" Your name was repeated, but not from the barista, it was someone behind you. You whipped around and came face to face with a very familiar face. Your ex boyfriend Lee Jihoon. Contrary to the gut dropping feeling you would have running into any other boyfriends, a smile plastered itself to your face. The two of you had ended on great terms as you had simply grown apart, rather than a nasty fight breaking you up. 
"Jihoon? No way!" You replied and gave him a hug, one he more than willingly returned. His name was called soon after, and he grabbed his coffee, walking you out to the street. Turned out your were headed in the same direction, and you found yourself talking about the good old days and how bummed out you both were when Jihoon had moved to Seoul. Thing was, he never told you where he had gone to, so you didn't think anything of hitting him up when you moved there yourself. You soon had to part ways as you didn't work in the same buildings, but he promised you he would call you sometime and you could hang out. He even said he wanted to introduce you to his girlfriend and his friends.
It didn't take a number of days before he messaged you- in fact, it was later the same day. He had texted you and said that him and his friends got off early, and wondered if you wanted to meet them earlier than originally planned. You agreed and told him where to meet you. You had gotten off work about an hour prior, so you had already showered and gotten dressed as you were about to ask one of your room-mates to hang out.
The restaurant you asked them to meet you at was just down the street from your apartment, so it was no surprise you were the first of the two parties to show up. Jihoon had let you know that they were quite a big amount of people, so that you should call beforehand. You said he should do it as he knew exactly how many people you would be. The hostess of the restaurant seated you in a booth that looked like it could fit a million people. Soon, the door opened and in came a small village of people, Jihoon leading the troop. Your jaw dropped to the floor as you saw how many people they were. You had imagined like five, maybe six people, but from where you sat, you could count thirteen individuals. 
"Y/N!" Jihoon cheered as he spotted you, walking over to the table. "There are so many of you." You deadpanned as you got to your feet to greet them. You all got seated, and then went around the table to introduce themselves. You tried your best to keep up, but everything just poured out of your head as soon as your eyes met the last one. "Yoon Jeonghan, pleasure to meet you." He spoke in a tone that made your heart flutter. 
The dinner went well, and you got to know everyone there quite well, and even planned on meeting up later in the week. You and Jihoon were the last ones to exit the restaurant as you held him back a bit while the others were outside messing around. "I have a super weird confession-" You started, but Jihoon was quick to cut you off. "I already have a plan on how I'm gonna set you and Jeonghan up, don't worry." He grinned. He then hugged you and bid you goodbye, leaving you feeling all giddy and happy in the middle of the closing restaurant.
Tumblr media
Jeonghan / Joshua
You walked down the hallway, going through some papers. It was your first day at the new company, so you were pretty nervous to say the least. You had been a professional vocal coach for a while, but never at this specific company. You took a sharp right and entered a studio, where a blonde guy sat at the mixer, and four other guys were in the booth, recording some harmonizers. You stood by the door for a minute, not wanting to disturb them. 
A few minutes passed by before the four lads paraded out of the booth, noticing you standing there. You could see their faced properly now, not believing who you saw. It seemed as it caught him off guard too, but the two of you soon burst into smiles and giggles as you hugged him. Jeonghan, your ex boyfriend.
"Y/N! What are you doing here?" He smiled as soon as you let go of each other. You explained how you had been hired by Pledis as a vocal coach. You had been instructed by one of the managers to come by and greet you, so you had some time to get to know them before you started working together. "So, lovely to meet you all- I'm Y/N. I'm an old friend of Jeonghan." You said as you greeted the other in the room.
"Wait, are you the ex girlfriend who is always included in the dumbest stories?" The one introduced as Jisoo asked, and you had to nod. You and Jeonghan had been on some crazy adventures in your time.
A spread chorus of 'no way' and laughter occured for a second, making you blush ever so slightly. You didn't know if it was because you had just met them and they had already heard so much about you, or if it was because you felt Jisoo's eyes linger on you. Something you didn't necessarily minded as he was one tall glass of water- but he was Jeonghan's friend. You and Jeonghan ended on great terms, as it was a mutual feeling of falling out of love, but still- it felt wrong.
But much to your oblivious self, Jeonghan had noticed the lingering stares, and when you actually sat down t get to know each other, he saw how you two had laughed extra hard at each others jokes, and how you had touched his arm when you spoke. 
After a few hours you realized that time had flown away from you, and that you needed to be headed to a meeting. You got out of the sofa and bid them goodbye, Jeong offering to walk you out as you did so. As soon as the door shut behind you and you started to walk down the hall towards the meeting rooms, Jeonghan asked you about Jisoo. You instantly started to apologize and said that you could put your interest on the shelf if Jeonghan was uncomfortable with it. But much to your surprise he wasn't.
"Don't worry, Y/N. I put your number in his phone when he wasn't looking, so we're good to start project Set Up."
Tumblr media
Joshua / DK
"And five, six, seven, eight." You counted as you moved in sync with both the beat and the partner by your side. You and Soonyoung had been dancing partners for quite a few months, as he was in a bit of a block, choreography wise. He had called you up and you happily agreed to help him. You helped him out of the dump, and turns out the two of you worked really good together, better than expected. So after that, he had a talk with the company, and got you hired. 
"What if we, drop into it like- 1, 2, 3, 4.." Soonyoung started, but was cut off as soon as the door to the studio opened. You looked up at the mirror to see who entered behind you, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as a very familiar face came into view. You whipped around as you stated the name of your ex-boyfriend. "Joshua?"
His head tilted up in a confused manner, as did Soonyoung. "You know this kid?" Soonyoung questioned, you shooting the question right back as you never knew they were friends. You explained to Soonyoung, telling him you broke up once Joshua was scouted and moved to Korea. Yet another conversation was interrupted as the door swung open a second time. In came a tall brunette, holding a thing of cloth- maybe a shirt. 
"Hosh, you forgot this in the-" He cut himself off as his eyes met yours. You felt your jaw literally drop open as you looked at the snack and a half that was the man in front of you. His skin was silky smooth, uninterrupted all except a freckle on his cheek. His bone structure was unlike anything you had ever seen. (can y'all tell im a seokmin stan?) 
You saw his lips fall open into a soft gape as his jaw weakened as well. You prayed to whatever creature it was that listened in that it was a good thing that he couldn't take his eyes off of you either. 
Joshua and Soonyoung looked first at you and the mystery boy, then at each other. Joshua decided to be the first one to speak up. "Seokmin, this is Y/N. She is an old friend of mine. Y/N, this is Seokmin, he is a more recent friend. We're debuting together."
Seokmin snapped back to reality and gave you a smile, sending your heart into loops. You gave him a smile back, and you could have sworn you saw a blush on his cheeks. 
Tumblr media
DK / Seungkwan
You sighed as you rummaged through your fridge, eager to find the milk. You had just poured yourself a bowl of cereal, only to find out your roommate drank the last of your milk. It had already been quite a tough day, so you didn't bother confronting them and yell, rather you grabbed your coat and headed out the door. You didn't care that the bowl of dry cereal was presented on the middle of the counter, you were already fed up with the day as it was. 
Luckily, the closest grocery store that carried the brand of milk you preferred, wasn't too far away. It was about a fifteen minute walk, the fresh air helping you clearing your mind in the process.
The store was fairly empty as it was almost midnight, but still a few people roamed around the twenty-four/ seven store. You grabbed a basket as you could pick up a few more things since you were there anyways. As you reached for the celery, someone tapped your shoulder, asking for your attention. You whipped around and was suddenly face to face with someone you hadn't seen in what felt like forever. "Seokmin!" You smiled and immediately went to hug your ex-boyfriend. 
"Y/N!" He smiled back as you both pulled away from the hug. Before you could ask him how he was, a friend of his came around the corner, talking to him. "Seokmin, is this the right rosé?" He spoke as he studied the bottle. if you get that reference, i fucken love you. When he looked up, he realized he had interrupted and quickly apologized. 
You would have just continued the conversation with Seokmin, but you couldn't take your eyes off his friend. It was as if Seokmin picked it up, because before you knew it, you were being introduced. "Y/N, this is Seungkwan. Seungkwan, this is Y/N, an old friend of mine." You shook Seungkwan's hand and smiled at him. Hadn't it been for the fact that you had yet to be able to tear your eyes off of him, you probably wouldn't have noticed the blush on his cheeks. 
"So what's up with you?" Seokmin asked after the introduction, you finally turning to him and answering. "Nothing much, just asshat roommates who drank all of my almond milk." You chuckled, the two boys doing so as well. You spoke for a few more minutes before your stomach growled, signalling to the two that you were ready to leave. 
"Sorry boys, I gotta go! But hopefully I'll see you around?" You said and started to move away from them ever so slightly. They nodded, Seokmin informing you that he still had your number. You smiled at him then moved your eyes to Seungkwan for only a second, but Seokmin knew what you meant. He winked at you as to let you know that he would indeed set you up. 
Tumblr media
Seungkwan / Woozi
You and two other girls around your age grunted and groaned as you pushed a large wooden box across the set to where it was supposed to be. You were on the set for a music video, being a set intern while you waited for a spot to open as a producers intern. You had applied months ago, but as your application had gotten lost in the office and you had to send a new one, you had fallen to the bottom of the waiting list. 
"Artist to set!" Someone, probably the director, called through a megaphone, startling not only you, but the two other girls as well. You chuckled among yourselves as you moved off the set so filming could begin. You hadn't been informed what artist they were shooting for, but you didn't care. If it was someone you were a fan of, it didn't matter- you didn't wanna come off as a wild fangirl in front of your boss. 
You were coiling extension cords when you hear the two other girls let out small gasps. You assumed it was because the artist came into view, so you turned around while still working your hands. It was a large group, that much you could see, but your attention was immediately drawn to a specific brunette in the way back. He was shorter than everyone else, but there was something about him that made your heart flutter. 
You tried to ignore it and started working again. You soon found another pile of cords that needed coiling, so you started, watching as the music video started shooting. You found yourself looking at the brunette more and more, all until you made eye contact with him. You snapped your head in another direction, trying to seem smooth about it. Where your eyes went next threw you off, though. Going from one cutie to another- your eyes met the ones of your ex-boyfriend, Seungkwan. He wiggled his eyebrows at you as he had seen you looking at his bandmate. You had completely forgotten that he was in a band, and that there was a chance that you would see him here. Not that you minded, you had put your breakup behind you and agreed on being friends. 
You wiggled your eyebrows back in a joking manner, but only for a short second before you went back to work. A few minutes later, you were greeted by Seungkwan who was now stood right next to you. "Y/N! What are you doing here?" He smiled as he greeted you. You explained the situation with the waitlist and how you just wanted to produce music. 
An idea unlike anything else popped into Seungkwan's head as you said what the problem was. While he was thinking, he saw you eye his bandmate, Jihoon, from across the room.
"I think I might be able to help you with that. Two birds with one stone actually." He grinned, almost evilly. You questioned his coming actions, but he wouldn't let you know. He just grabbed your wrist and dragged you across set. As soon as you realised whom he was dragging you over t, you tried wiggling out of his grip, but to no use. 
"Jihoon! You mentioned the other day that you needed Chan to assist you in the studio right? Well, what if I told you a very pretty and very smart little human being is more than happy to help you?" He spoke, holding you still. It was almost as if you hid behind him, and you had to admit it wasn't far from it. Jihoon looked confused as ever, and that's when Seungkwan pulled you out from behind his back.
"This is Y/N, the one you were drooling after earlier. She wants to be a producer- teach her. Bye guys!" He snickered as he left, leaving you two to get to know each other.
Tumblr media
I am so freak fracking sorry this is so late eye-
-bentley
68 notes · View notes
uncloseted · 4 years
Note
lately i've been VERY confused about gender and sexuality (not mine, just in general, although more on that later). so i always called myself a lesbian because it made sense, im a girl i like girls. about 2 years ago i had a lot of internalized homophobia and i tried to be as feminine as i could so people would think i was straight. and i remember one time i thought "what if i'm a trans man and i'm doing this because i feel like i have something to prove". +
but then i thought "nah, i can't be a man (or non binary) i like girly things too much". but that's awful too. ellen always wears suits and has short hair and she's still a woman. jeffree star likes girly things and he's a man. but now i don't even know what IS a girl/woman. i mean i didn't choose to be a woman and i never had a chance to be anything else. but i don't think i ever wanted to be. even if i identified as "agender" and i still looked and acted the way i do know, society would still
be seeing and oppressing me as a woman, so at least to me, personally, it feels useless. but also, a lot of nb people (most of them are afab) identify as lesbians. it's very confusing. i never had any kind of dysphoria although i felt uncomfortable with my body, periods, and sex but i always thought it was because of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities and beauty standards. and i have a friend who's studying psychology in university and she told me dysphoria does not exist
trans girls. i think it depends on, like, how "far" they are in their transition?. i think i could be attracted, physically and emotionally but i couldn't have sex with someone with a penis. and i know even the most trans-positive people will tell you that it's ok to have a genital preference and not want to date trans people. but it still makes me feel horrible because it's like i'm seeing nb people as "more woman" than trans women. but also in all honesty it's very hard to "tell" cis people
from nb people. if you showed me a picture of jeffree star and jonathan van ness (or elena and syd from one day at a time, or amandla stenberg and king princess, or sam smith and harry styles) and asked me which one is nb, i wouldn't know. i would probably say jeffree. so i agree that monosexual (straight/gay) people will inevitably be attracted to nbs because nb is a spectrum, and also some people (I think all of us, in some way? maybe it's a controversial opinion) are gender non-conforming but
but don't identify as nb. does that mean we should change the definitions of gay/lesbian, since any gender could have any type of body and look as feminine and/or masculine as they want? do sam smith, jvn, vander von odd/sasha velour/gigi goode (all genderfluid drag artists) have male privilege despite not being men?. should we change the words feminism, sexism, misogyny, male privilege, etc for something more accurate?. honeslty i think a lot of this confusion is actually intrusive thoughts
and me just being an overthinker in general but it's been causing me so much distress that now every pronoun feels wrong and i can't even masturbate. please forgive the rambling, the buts, the incoherence and the ignorance. thanks in advance. oh and please tell me if this comes through in pieces and i will send them again
So there’s a ton to unpack here, but for the record, I’ve had this exact train of thought, too.
I want to preface my answer by saying that I’m not a gender scholar and I haven’t read nearly as many academic works as I’d like to on this subject, so this is coming very much from my personal opinions and less from an evidence-based/academic place. I also want to say that if pressed, I would describe myself as a pansexual gender anarchist (as in, attracted to people for who they are instead of their parts and I think we should get rid of the concept of gender entirely), but I think that sounds a bit wanky, especially since it has almost zero bearing on my everyday life. So I think the concept of sexuality and gender is maybe different to me than it is to other people, and my perspective on this topic might be unusual in that sense.  If anyone reading this thinks what I’m saying is bullshit or problematic, please join in the conversation! I would love to hear what you have to say.
For me, the more I think about gender and sexuality, the more i don’t really “get” either concept. Gender has begun to feel (to me) like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes where you answer a bunch of questions and they’re like, “you’re rocky road ice cream” and you’re like, “I have no idea what that implies except for it’s the collection of traits I chose from the options above”.  
What I mean by that is that gender is a social construct. No traits are inherently masculine or feminine- things that are considered masculine in one culture can be feminine in another and vice versa. 
Especially now, when we’re really moving towards disentangling gender from our world, I wonder what’s left to take the place of those items to define what gender is.  Gender used to be like “feminine is cleaning, nurturing, creating (or Barbie dolls, dresses, and makeup), and masculine is destruction, being powerful, and being ambitious (or football, beer, and video games)”, but clearly that’s not what it means anymore. Ellen’s suits are feminine suits by virtue of the fact that she IDs as female, even though suits used to be considered a male thing.  Jeffree Star’s makeup looks are male makeup looks by virtue of the fact that he IDs as male, even though makeup used to be considered a female thing.  I’ve heard some people say that there are as many genders as there are people in the world. At that point I think we’re just using the word “gender” as a synonym for “personality”, which is fine, but I think we need to be clear about our definitions and what these words now mean and imply about a person.
Going along that train of thought, if gendered words don’t really mean anything anymore, I don’t see the point as identifying as a particular gender, at last not in the abstract.  In practice, our world still sees gender and cares about it, and other people’s interpretation of our gender has very real consequences.  As you say, even if you identified as agender, society would treat you as a woman because you present in a way society considers to be “traditionally feminine”, and as a result, you would be oppressed in the same way women are.  This is why I said that my position on gender impacts my life zero percent.  I can identify as a gender anarchist all I want, but at the end of the day I still get passed up for opportunities because the way I present is read as female.  Likewise, nonbinary people who were assigned male at birth do have a degree of male privilege (or at least, can access male privilege), depending on how well they “pass” as a man.  Sam Smith likely still experiences some male privilege, because they look (most of the time) like what society might consider traditionally male.  Someone like JVN probably passes less frequently, due to his long hair and frequent wearing of what we might think of as traditionally female clothing (skirts and dresses and high heels).  However, the flip side of that is both Sam Smith and JVN risk being even more marginalized than female identifying, female presenting people when they do dress in a gender non-conforming way, because nonbinary identities are less understood and less accepted than female identities are. 
So now that we’ve considered what gender means in relation to society, maybe let’s consider it in relation to our bodies and sexuality.  This is a bit of a minefield so I’m going to try to tread carefully, but again, feel free to call me out if I say something problematic... 
I don’t think being uncomfortable with your body, especially feminine features of your body that are widely looked down upon (for example, periods) or sexualized (physical features like boobs, butts, hips) necessarily makes a person trans or nonbinary.  As you say, those feelings can be a result of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities, beauty standards, and dozens of other things.  However, it is something many trans or nonbinary individuals experience.  So the question then becomes, where are those feelings of discomfort coming from?  Are they internal to you (as in, your body physically feels like there’s something wrong/those features shouldn’t be there) or external (you feel shame for having those features because of the society you grew up in)?  It can be really hard to detangle internal influences from external ones, given that people who are assigned female at birth learn to hate our femininity and female bodies from a very young age.
I would say that if those feelings are internal to you, then that’s what referred to as gender dysphoria.  Gender dysphoria is a real, ICD and DSM diagnosable condition, and there’s some evidence to suggest that there’s a neurobiological basis for it.  My (very controversial) hypothesis is that gender dysphoria is like other body integrity identity disorders, where there’s a mismatch between the brain’s map of the body and what the physical body actually looks like.  I want to make it clear here that I don’t think being trans is a disorder.  I don’t think it’s bad or that all people who are trans have a body integrity disorder.  I don’t think you need to physically transition to be trans, or that we should pathologize gender/gender expression, or that gender is a binary (hopefully that last one is obvious).  I just think if society has less stringent gender divisions and a less binary understanding of gender, fewer people would physically transition, but some people would still experience a mismatch between their idea of how their body’s sexual characteristics should look and how they physically are.
So then, what does that mean for our terminology?  I think in the context of a world where the meaning of gender is changing, gay and lesbian just refer to genitals (people with penises attracted to people with penises and people with vaginas attracted to people with vaginas, respectively).  Or perhaps we need to separate it out further- maybe you can be romantically and physically attracted to female and male presenting people, but sexually attracted to only vaginas.  Maybe that would fill the gap between being interested in a person romantically and being interested in having sex with their genitals, where you’re attracted to someone without yet knowing what’s in their pants?  In general, though, I think labels should exist to be useful.  I don’t know how useful it is to have a term for “I'm attracted to you, given that you have the genitals I’m sexually attracted to.”
I think under that framework of centering labels like gay and lesbian on genitals, a lot more people are pansexual than would identify that way if you took a poll right now.  In general, I think a lot of people never recognize that they’re pansexual because they aren’t in contact with nonbinary or trans people that they’re attracted to frequently enough to know they don’t actually care about genital preferences.
When talking about other labels like feminism (the advocacy for AFAB and female-identifying/presenting rights), sexism (prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, generally towards female identifying/presenting people. but also towards gender nonconforming people), misogyny (dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against AFAB and female identifying/presenting people), male privilege (the system of advantages or rights that are available to men and male identifying/presenting people solely on the basis of their sex/gender presentation), etc., I think those terms refer to the societal construct of sex/gender that is still prevalent in our culture.  We perhaps need to start using other words to describe discrimination against nonbinary people, but I think the existing terms continue to serve a purpose and it’s not time to retire them just yet.
I don’t know if any of this is at all helpful or if I’m expressing my thoughts clearly.  Maybe it will just add more confusion to your existing thought process, but I hope it helps to minimize your distress at least a little bit.  Ultimately, all of this is kind of made up, so don’t beat yourself up too much while trying to unravel all these different threads. People spend full academic careers and sometimes their entire lives trying to figure out what they believe on these issues.  It’s okay to not have it all worked out or to not be sure in your ideas.  Even for me, this is just where my thinking is right now.  Maybe in the future it will change with new information I learn or as my feelings towards myself change.  Try to let yourself think of this as a journey instead of something you have to already have figured out.
4 notes · View notes
mama-germany · 4 years
Text
Submission: {IIRC, submission format is bad. This is feminists-against-feminism, hopefully unedited by Mama Germany :^), and ill end my submission with “/submission”, and the rest, if anything, is mama-germany. Also, hopefully the paragraph breaks take, and if they dont…. welp…}
Imma be real with u chief, I dunno what you want me to do with this.  I’m a Jew.  I don’t like communism.  I don’t actually live in Germany.  And I’m not reading all this.  Idk.
Karl Marx’s “On: The Jewish Question” seems a prototype for conflict theory, but has ‘the real jew’ as the 'Haves’ the in place of the 'bourgeois/rich/capitalist’ 'oppressor class’. Conflict theory, icydk, is the collectivist egalitarian pseudoscientific theoretical paradigm taught in sociology, underpinning essentially the whole social justice perspective, and directly encompassing marxist theory, feminist theory, critical race theory, critical theory, gender schema theory (and likely influenced John Money’s gender theory, and builds on gender theory), queer theory, gender critical theory, postmodern theory, lysenkoism (mostly abandoned), standpoint theory,  post colonial theory, animal liberationism, and of course, intersedtional theory which synthesizes them all together wherever they can be synthesized. Marx said the nature of jews is huckstery, he said the real lofe manifestationnof the god of israel is money itself, he said eliminating money would render the jew an equal and normal person. His whole theory, and every conflict theory since, relies on the presupposition the indovodual is irrelevant and what matters is only the aggregate disparities between groups. This turns his theoey ultimately against all boundaries of the individual, their private property and necessarily their innate natural self ownership, their right to self ddetermination. Marx viewed liberalism/individualism as egoism. His whole family was actually jewish, IIRC, he just didnt succeed like they did, he was jealous and a mooch, kind of a beta, likely an aspie if i am to go off the symptomology. He hated them, he was jealous, he wanted success and they had it and he didnt, and so he was basically spot-on like the character Cain from hebrew legend.
Martin Luther. He wrote “On The Jews and Their Lies”. He described jews as piglets suckling from their mother pig, israel, and blamed jews for pretty much everything he viewed as wrong in society. He was basically the predocessor to Hitler and Marx. And one might actually say Marx was an additional predocessor to Hitler. I sure would posot that as likely, even if by proxy of Hitler being influenced by left socialists. I mean, he literally modified the marxist “'class struggle” into his own version of “the struggle”, “MY Struggle/Mein Kampf”. Which brings us to out next german collectivist philosopher. If youre picking up the theme im putting down.
Third subject, Hitler. Self explanatory. Jew-hating anti-egalitarian ethno socialist. Obviously fits in with the last two subject entries. BTW,I have a larger point to all this random pattern listing. One more.
Slightly diverging from hatred of jews, and more toward the begining of postmodernist thought, Max Horkheimer who said freedom and justice are incompatible opposites, and argued everything are oppressive social constructs, every letter and word and phrase and interaction. He said there is no way to know what a just society is, but that we can complain and struggle against the things we dont like and dont find just. And so if you also consider he in the same sitting said freedom and justice are opposites, and this was while summarizing his academic ideas to an interviewer, we can deduce he was directly opposed to freedom, despite considering himself anti-authoritarian…. Anyways, he was bonkers, hope you dont live near Frankfurt, theyre bonkers around them parts, and i know someone who has told me firsthand just how horkheimer style bonkers that town is.
{Honorary mentions. The Kaiser Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albert. Although there was clearly nuance here, Prussia WAS part of the German Empire, but the german youth injunction/sinker was still set in him, to which collectivism was his driver/floatation. He was a nationalist and refused advisors compelling him into an anti-left policy. Honorary mention 2. Antifasciste Aktion, the communist vanguard formed by the german communist party, the KPD, formed to forght fire with fire, using brownshirt tactics against the brownshirts (to whom they lost).}
All four, all German. All of them. 5 if we include the Kaiser. The father of protestantism, the father of communism, the left reformer whos students sparked the “New Left” movement, and Hitler, HITLER. ALL GERMAN. Which is not an implicit racial claim im implying, but one about a sour philosophy. I refer to this as German Collectivism. It is the archetype if collectivism which germany seems particularly possessed by. These have ravaged the whole world, toppled entire nations and enslaved likely over two billion people considering just the PRC, USSR, and Nazi Germany esp with its labir camps. Luther could be viewed as the origin, certainly the origin of modern german collectivism (protestantism & lutherean conspiracy theory, left socialism, and nazism), but the purpose of germany has not changed through any of its past or present phases. It’s purpose seems to be unintentionally destroying itself in the process of intentionally trying to destroy the rest of Europe in attempt to conquer Europe and/or the world. Maybe it came from its clash with Rome, and it never left that modality of picking away at its neighbors. Perhaps its influence from the abrahamic faiths it long traded with, maybe that caused the sort of over-populate-and-make-conquest-youth-army kind of societal reproductive modality, by influence of the abrahamic faiths that did that in the middle east for millennia (with obvious great success, whereas Germany fails at the same niche). Maybe it’s because of their empire-orientation, their pre-lutherean state where they were catholic, and so the culture, thinkers and leaders became oriented toward empire. I dont know. But i do know Hitler, the Kaiser, and Marx were all three alienated children who were very disturbed, and assume Horkheimer and Martin Luther were of similar origins, it seems the common theme among these german influences. Disturbed children make for great communists, and germany has long been riddled with communists. Communists & new left communists like intersectionalists have been frequently compared to a religion, and germany was previously, according to Neitzsche who overtly shared my distain for German philosophy (to my surprise, i love him even more now), he said it seemed to him 4/5 people in germany  were part of protestant clergy. The whole state seems in an unending modality if one total hegemonic culthood after another.
The purpose for german collectivism being so consistently against jews, i assume. It is that jews are very successful on average by comparison to every other category in the west. So theyre integral to the structure of society, particularly around power. So to do the sort of semetic strategy, the strategy of Mohammad and Moses, the strategy of just toppling societies and inheriting the remains, in the west, one must (perhaps in a sidenote of historical irony) go through the jews. If they want to make their collectivist totalitarian ideology dominate, they have to go full cain, and stab their brothers - the jews. And just as stabbing Abel didnt wirk well for Cain, obviously taking out the most success oriented demographic (OF WHICH THERE ARE TWO) in your country is not going to work well for Germany. The other the German Collectivist opposes is the individualist - the English liberal, the stoic, the empiricist, the existentialist, the naturalist, the skeptic, these sorts. These sorts of ideas bring success, and so the authoritarian german collectivist requires their demise as well. The Kaiser hated types like us, the Fuhror hated types like us, marx hated types like us, Horkheimer, and Luther to a clear extent.
i should mention, im not a supernaturalist, the supernatural is all metaphor taken as superstition, im woth Neitszche. Theres certainly no supernatural, and race is a politically meaningless concept to me. But what is contained within the borders of germany…. There seems to be an eccentric kook persona, as a sort of cultural clone prevalent in germany, parallel to the American redneck or hillbilly. Theyre not all terrible people, but theyre often super fucked up like longislanders are in NY, or hillbillies from appalachia, or rednecks from alabama. Or just extremely eccentric like a german lady i knew IRL or Joerge Sprave, or oh my god, Max Horkheimer the kook. And it doesnt miss the city, theyre like that, but converted to progressive ideology. Crazy brutes from yesteryear, mostly tamed, or stubby and eccentric out the wazoo, or tall frail and vegan and metro af. And it’s not limited to the old german. Einstein, (not shitting in einstein, not calling him collectivist, but) absolute weirdo jewish german, Horkheimer, absolute nut job, jewish german, Marx, jewish family, the only correlation is they lived in Germany, like Hitler, the SS, and the kaiser. Even the nations east of them who share similar culture, look at Freud, absolutely a german collectivist type, but from Austria, which today is apparently an ethno national socialist state in all but admission. Prussia influenced the Kaiser’s collectivism. Even people i know from america who have all german ancestry and only third gen american, theyre bonkers, like ICP & Twisted clown-rap omega bonkers, and believe in shit like vampires and wicca and werewolf “lychen”. Oh, and i forgot to mention in summarizing Hitler, his wackjob supernaturalist beliefs. What is that? Why is this so normal there for so long and nowhere else for so long? It seems to spread from there more than anywhere else.
It has to be cultural, and deep seeded. It can be changed, and it needs to be. A german lady mutual of mine sees it and is clearly very weighted by it; i was hindered by it drastically, and i live in America. The nihilism, the self hatred, the narcissism, the psychopathy, the selective empathy (ie, selective psychopathy), the tribalism, the scapegoating. You live in germany, you must see it. You dont seem to like sj or right socialism. You seem closer to an individualist. A westerner despite Germany.
Would you consider it a real phenomenon? 'German Collectivism’? A label for describing the seeming german modality of collectivist government and the german philosophical origin of the majority of world’s largest, most wide spread, and deadly collectivist movements? Particularly today regarding the medium of marxian/intersectional conflict theory ideology? I can easily empirically trace intersectionalism and the french fake-gobbldigook-espousing 'intellectuals’ Peterson points at, back to the ideas of Marx (a german). What are your thoughts on it? What caused it? Why is it so historically persistent to this day? It’s still trying to domineer and control Europe via the proxy of the EU. And what the hell is wrong with so many (#notall) German children?! Or, likely, should i moreso be asking about ***the (#notall) parents***? But today, those parents were raised by nazis, or people raised by nazis. (#notall) but those nazis were raised by communists and imperialists, and those imperialists and communists were raised by communists and lutherean protestants, and those communists and lutherean protestants were raised by more protestants, and then catholics before them, and tribalist pagans before them. The hegemony is just unending waves of wacky who begat waves of wacky. Id like to see the origin of this crap fixed, see germany liberalized, just to show german collectivism undone SOMEWHERE it has been established for once, and in Germany itself no less. My first thought is just end the EU.
Is it real? What’s the cause? How do we undo it? 
1 note · View note
nilealligator · 4 years
Text
sometimes i find a lot of modern-day self-care style psychological beliefs to be ....... absurdly devoid of morality in their focus on self and individual well-being (to the detriment of others)
see below for an insight into my recent existential crises vvv warning not super organized
when i was telling ppl about how im worried abt one of my family members who i care about, i was stressing over how to help her, etc, i was advised by a few people that i can't do everything for her, that i should focus on me, etc. and like, sure to an extent that's true. but to another? i mean, why did nobody at all suggest that i should help her more? that i should try something different? that worrying about her is actually a good thing? and why is my question of "if not me, who?" so easily dismissed? why am i the only one asking that? why is it accepted by others that we may abandon someone, that small suffering on my part (which is dwarfed by hers) is more important than hers, that because i am in control of my own suffering in a way i am not hers (my suffering being caused by concern over and attempts to reduce hers) that i should focus on reducing mine rather than reducing hers, even if there could be a much greater net reduction in suffering for her than me since she's experiencing more.
or when i talk about how my grandmother is experiencing elder abuse by my mother who is caring for her and her many disabilities as she is becoming blind, the advice i get is mostly to just ignore it, move past it, "you can't fix it". and actually, the more i think the more i think i can fix it, i can at least do something, i have to at least do something, the more it disturbs me that the advice i get is mostly focused on how can i put it out of my mind rather than what are the creative ways or just different things i can do to help. i mean no one's even asked or tried to brainstorm ways to help her and that's just... i think such an awful reflection, how can that not even come up, how can it be that it's seen as entirely okay that the first reaction should be "how do you extricate yourself from having to help anyone else?" there is complete dismissal of the idea that i (or anyone) may have an ethical duty to help this person who is almost wholly unable to help herself. and frankly? that makes me p angry. like not necessarily with any one person who says this stuff but with... society as a whole, which is really human nature as a whole, just an existential sort of anger.
and i guess, the central conflict i've been torn over for probably the past 2.5+ years has been: what do we owe others, and what do we owe ourselves? what precisely is our moral duty? 
and i think at least from most of my associations everything has swung much too far towards the idea that we owe others very little to nothing and if we owe anyone anything it is ourselves, we owe ourselves a life of high pleasure and low suffering. the message basically that i get boils down to: if one can choose not to suffer, one should do so so long as you're not directly causing harm to others. indirectly causing harm or causing harm through inaction is seen as entirely morally permissible. in fact going out of your way to reduce suffering in others, when it causes you non-trivial suffering, is seen as a bad thing (even if the suffering you experience in doing so is significantly less than the impact it has)
i just find it really, really disturbing when the main advice of a lot of laypeople or even therapists is uncritically that we don't owe each other anything at all, that we should focus on us, that self-care comes before other-care almost always (exceptions for parents especially mothers of young children). i just think that’s so wrong. and at least for me if i engage in that i have such a deep sense of moral conflict that it honestly outweighs any "stress" that is relieved
and in some ways it really extends to this idea of health (esp “avoidable/preventable” conditions) and life. what are they? do some people deserve more of it than others? what level of jeopardizing your own health or life is okay in order to serve others, is required? and i really think of this if you think of how, among those who are heavily involved with social movements, there is often pressure from others or from the outside to stop or disengage, because this is hurting your career prospects, if you go to jail your life will be foreshortened (according to research, and it’s true), the stress of this will lead to an early death (also borne out in the research). but then, if you don’t, what’s the point? what’s the point of a long life where you play everything “safe” but never actually do anything? and why is your health and life any more valuable than that of anyone you’re trying to help? who gets to be healthy and how do we decide that? how could we all constantly strive for our maximal individual healthy life-years regardless of the impact it may have on others? it really makes you think of people living in poor working conditions with relatively low life expectancies to create products designed to have an incredibly marginal effect on the healthy-life-span of wealthy people who already have a much longer predicted lifespan
or like, if you look at (think dabrowski or frankl) the idea that suffering is an important part of development and morals-making or of "enlightenment", i mean it just doesn't follow for me that the main goal of therapy or help should primarily be to reduce suffering. but that's exactly how it is taken now. for me that stuff just brings me to a sort of existential despondence.
and i'll talk a lot about my guilt complex. and sure, an excess of guilt, guilt for guilt's sake, is no good and doesn't do shit. but i also think of how wealthy people will go into therapists, talk about how guilty they feel, and the therapist's reaction 99999999times:1 is "oh, guilt isn't a productive emotion, let's talk about how to reduce that guilt". and that reduction is never "give away your fucking money" (too simple! we're rich so of course smart and that means we need to use very complex methods to address our very complex emotional needs) but rather a discussion of self-acceptance, acceptance of poverty as something the rich person cannot alleviate wholly and therefore something that they should put out of their mind (read really anything on the psychology of the western wealthy and you will see this play out time after time, even in my discussions with wealthy people they relay the same info from their therapists)
or i dunno this feeds into how especially with our current reimbursement model the conduct of therapy can often really become focused on "how do we get this person 'well enough' to engage in work and being a cog for capital" in a way that is really, really gross and even if a therapist may in the short-term surface view of things improve their client's well-being what negative effects does it have on people as a whole, society as a whole?
as a final note i want to be really clear that just because i may care about reducing suffering of others, i'm not actually sure at all whether im more effective at it than anyone else or whether it's made me reduce more suffering in actuality than i would have otherwise, or whether any of us even has any sort of control at all, even in a small sense, of the suffering of others or control over anything at all. also not all of the examples and such are based on myself but also observation of the advice others get
2 notes · View notes
Note
Is yoongi your fave in bts? I just today stumbled over a video of bts and watched and now 100 videos later i really think i kinda like them and especially Yoongi. He is such a sweetheart. so as a fellow 1d stan now into bts i wanted to know if louis was your fave and if yoongi is in bts? Cause i find it quite interesting to know^^'
ok so i have some esoteric ramblings that go far beyond the yes or no question you asked me here lmao... i guess im just feeling very “in this essay i will-” rn because of how much i truly adore both of them. also this basically turned into a personal diary entry but also simultaneously a cultural studies essay on how we make meaning in celebrities so like..... 🤷🏼‍♀️
@gettingaphdinmomo can u believe this anon let me merge 1d and bts? im indebted to them tbh
so yeah yoongi is my bias in bts and louis was always my fave in 1d! (well zayn too but z isn’t a member of 1d - tho i think he relates to some of the points im going to make here as well) and coincidentally i’ve actually been doing like... some self-psychoanalysis recently just reflecting on what my affection for louis and yoongi says about me, says about them, etc... just been thinkin’ ya know?
and i just feel like yoongi and louis are 2 sides of the same coin and it’s a coin that i distinctly Relate to and i’ll explain why. both yoongi and louis have very distinct caricature-type reputations on the surface. both vis-a-vis their role in their respective groups and in relation to the personalities that we see/they show us. 
and what i mean by that is that louis is known as loud, brash, exuberant (formerly camp and flamboyant as well, though im not even gonna try to get Into A Discussion of That rn); to most people that do not take the time to go far beyond the surface, that’s kind of louis’ whole deal, right? (again this isn’t a discussion of public opinion of louis and doesn’t account for how his various stories/stunts/‘relationships’ would impact people’s view of him)... yoongi is sort of in the same boat but on the opposite end of the spectrum if that makes sense? he’s the tsundere member. he’s seen as cold, distant, has dry humor, doesn’t like to show affection, etc. that’s what the caricature of min yoongi is.
but everyone who is a fan of either of them knows that neither of those caricatures are wholly accurate and that the caricatures belie an emotional depth and intelligence that both of them very clearly possess.
we can never know even a fraction of public figures’ personalities, but to the small extent that we do get glimpses, yoongi and louis are both individuals who clearly care very deeply about others. they are attentive to the emotions of those around them and they are supportive and nurturing in their own ways. but at the same time neither of them are overtly touchy-feely about it if that makes sense? their empathy is exhibited subtly but it runs deep. their demonstrations of caring and compassion are nuanced behind layers of something else. 
for louis, i think there’s always a bit of humor layered on top of his emotional displays (i.e. giving liam a hard time about being a ‘lad’). and i see myself in that. i use humor as a defense mechanism and couch everything serious in my life in a joke, for better or worse. again, im not saying that that’s what louis is or does in real life, i’ll never know nor would i presume to, but i am saying that i see something of myself reflected in Louis Tomlinson™ and among a million other reasons to love him i think that is one of the reasons i’ve always been drawn to him. he’s so compassionate and caring but you have to make sure you’re not distracted by his bright loudness to miss it. in addition to seeing myself reflected in louis, i also admire so much about him that i am not but aspire to be more like. i wish i could be more extroverted like him and i wish i could be a bright presence for the people around me like i know he is. so with louis i see myself and i see traits that inspire me to go outside my comfort zone and push my own boundaries.
for yoongi, the soft sweet infp that he is, i think his emotional displays are equally as subtle and layered behind a bit of stoicism and a bit of introversion and a bit of being very carefully selective about who he lets in. his displays of affection and caring are alway there but are not done to be viewed and given great attention (i.e. his hand holding). i don’t think yoongi much likes being the center of attention and would much rather have his members be that (lol @ jimin) but at the same time he has moments where his energy just bursts forth. these are moments where he’s clearly so comfortable with his surroundings and the people he’s with that he feels no need to be measured or restrained. again, this is all my interpretation of what i see and is thus filtered and distilled so many times that i’d never presume to state all of this as some factual evaluation of yoongi’s personality, but also again, i see myself in these observations and interpretations of yoongi. i find it very difficult to express my emotions (see the above point about couching everything in humor) but they are there and they are felt deeply and they show themselves in subtler ways. i find it difficult to display affection with even my closest friends and family but am also just a touch-starved bitch looking to hold someone’s hand like yoongi is always doing. i too sometimes begin to feel comfortable enough with those around me that my passion and excitement just bursts forth all at once, but only sometimes, otherwise im hyper conscious of myself and tend to self-police if i have not reached such a comfort level. i see a lot of that in Min Yoongi™. but like with louis i also see a lot in yoongi that i strive to be more like. i struggle with the weight of my own expectations for myself and i internalize A Lot, as yoongi seems to, but yoongi also demonstrates such a clarity of self when it comes to these things. i think he Knows himself quite well, which is something i’d like to be better at. i think his self awareness (something i think namjoon also has in spades) and his work ethic are admirable and inspire me greatly. he just seems so Lucid Perceptive and Insightful about his situation, and that encourages me to be more honest with myself about my own situation.
and like maybe this is all just a diatribe that could be applied by anyone to their fave celeb? there’s levels to abstraction to every celebrity and there’s always interpolation/projection our own traits, neuroses, insecurities, desires, etc. onto how we view our favorite celebs... but idk there seems to be something slightly different with celebs like yoongi and louis (and zayn and namjoon actually now that i think about it). 
like let’s contrast it with other 1d and bts members: jin and hobi have carefully constructed the way they want to be seen and they don’t let people see much beyond that (and they’re So Valid for that). i actually think niall is quite a lot like this as well. the caricature is the whole picture that we get if that makes sense (though of course not even a fraction of the whole person which we are not nor should we be privy to) but its still a human picture, its still rooted in a sense and a feeling of authenticity; it just has its boundaries and is clear about those boundaries. thus the consumer public gets a discrete, self-contained persona whose likeability isn’t necessarily dependent on the consumer’s ability to relate or see themselves in the persona but rather is simply likeable!
then you have liam and jungkook who i see as quite similar in some ways for some reason (which im sure is gonna get me yelled at lmao). i dont mean that i think they’re similar people just that i think both of them are quite earnest and what you see is what you get with them. i don’t think either of them have it in them to pull a jin/hobi/harry (see below) and construct/be viligent about the boundaries of their persona. i think tae and jimin are mostly like this as well. they’re all just kind of unapologetically themselves (liam particularly after 1d ended, tho i know that, ironically, many feel he’s a bit of a poser nowadays)? i see these types of figures as similar to the type above just with less stable boundaries/less concern for those boundaries.
then you have harry whose caricature is constructed to be larger than life, to be almost non-human in its Celeb-ification. Harry Styles™ is not meant to allow for reflection of yourself in it. the consumer is not supposed to find parts of themselves relating to Harry Styles™, that defeats the purposes of the larger than lifeness of Harry Styles™. (i know this sounds bad and don’t get me wrong i do hate harry lol but i also don’t think this is an inherently Bad way to be a celebrity. it’s the david bowie, lady gaga [pre-joanne] school of celebrity and its fine, i just think it should be recognized for what it is and i think its very different from how bts and the other members of 1d operate [though i recognize that some people would view zayn in this light]).
personally i think yoongi and louis (and zayn and namjoon, to account for everyone in this analysis here) don’t fit into the above categories. clearly i dont think any of these four are in the Harry Styles™-type camp (duh). but i also don’t think they fit into the authentic-but-carefully-boundaried jin/hobi/niall camp nor the what-you-see-is-what-you-get liam/maknae line camp. i think these 4 occupy a limbo space between the two ‘categories.’
anyways, the long and the short of it is that we all make our own meaning in celebrities. for me, i find myself drawn to yoongi and louis because i see traits of my own reflected back at the same time and in the same person that i see aspirational traits. im inspired and im comforted by this duality that yoongi and louis provide for me. i love all the members of 1d and bts (except harry lolz) but yoongi and louis (and zayn and namjoon, who i’d say is my 2nd bias in bts if that wasn’t already clear) hold special places in my heart because of how they occupy my sort of nebulous fourth category of celebhood.
anyways, i’m pretty sure no one is still reading this, which i do Not blame you for, but that’s my two cents! i love min yoongi and louis tomlinson, whats new!!!!!!!!!
12 notes · View notes
survivor-ingary · 3 years
Text
Episode 9 - "I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJ" - Kenneth
Tumblr media
At the last tribal, Toph was voted out. During the past round, Keith found an exile ticket in the idol hunt and is in exile this round. The individual immunity this round is a 'chop the rope' style of Touchy Subjects. It will be followed by an instant tribal council.
Tumblr media
ANNA OU- the execution of the vote was an absolute mess this is embarrassing y'all... i'm really starting to not trust ellie more and more considering the way this vote went! the way we were originally gonna vote toph but all this mess led to us flipping votes to brayden, which was a fail cuz he played the idol to himself and not toph LOL and not babs giving the idol to ellie cuz she would've gone home tonight!!!!! thank god the end results were still in our favor, getting rid of toph, but raffy is pissed once again lmao. this twist is very interesting, because i knew ahead of time that keith was gonna poof this round but i played dumb and whateva! it's kind of concerning cuz it might actually be a 4-4 split this time which SCARES ME so the extra vote consideration might be even higher. I really wanna win this Touchy Subjects challenge so the votes don't pile onto me (even though I fully believe it'll be either Dennis or Ellie lol)
Tumblr media
my bestie toph just went home and im so sad :( he was literally my closest ally in the game and i am literally sooooo sad that he’s gone. but i did use my idol on myself which ended up being good bc if i didnt i would have gone to jury. just like everything is going wrong for me at this point and im on the bottom pretty much with raffy and anastasia. we needed to flip 2 people to have majority, BUT KEITH LEFT TO EXILE ISLAND AND HE WAS THE MAIN OPTION WE WANTED TO FLIP, so now that leaves kenneth and babs and we have to flip both of them or we are out of here. so we have our work cut out for us, but i really think we can flip babs because like they would just get like 6th place without us, and i just gave i think a pretty good pitch to kenneth so i really hope he considers it and doesn't just run and tell his majority alliance like he did with anastasia. anyways the challenge is touchy subjects and im nervous and i kind of am wishing i voted kenneth for biggest goat but i think i put riley and i regret ut. i hope someone says kenneth as biggest goat or something so it opens his eyes and he realizes he is literally number 4 to a solid 3 and should flip and be number 4 in our not at all solid 3. anyways i really hope i live this round
Tumblr media
Captain Exile's log, Entry #58. I have been on exile island for an hour. it seems like forever... my mind is slowing turning into mush. I fondly remember the days I would plot Raffy's demise. Those days now seem like a lifetime ago.
I wonder why the 3 time keeping hosts have forsaken to this island, making me a fool by calling it a vacation. I also will never forgive them for not having an exile island hidden immunity idol. I should have asked Jay to send her cat to keep me company. . opportunity missed.
Tumblr media
my favorite hobby is writing checks i can't cash
raffy realllllllly seems to trust me
babs realllllllllyyyy trusts me
ellie reallllllllly trusts me
kenneth realllllyyyyyy trusts me
keith reallllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy trusts me and i trust him right back
a+b do not trust me so im gonna have fun with this.
i love that idols just naturally attract themselves to ellie.
i love that keith and i are doing an amazing job as undercover kings and it makes me laugh that raffy completely believes that keith is perfectly in his back pocket. king of delusion.
i stirred up a lot of paranoia but its believable that ellie is the one thats mainly on dat.
excited for touchy subjects would love to win
Tumblr media
I'm too nice for orgs. I reload video games when I accidentally select the mean dialogue options because I don't want to hurt any character's feewings. Which... is NOT the same as genuinely thinking everyone is a pleasant person.
Well, as the only person playing this live challenge sort of "remotely" ahead of time I feel like I'm in a really weird position. I guess I'll wake up tomorrow to... something? A clusterfuck most likely.
Brayden round 9 is already over but im pretending im writing this while its round nine
hey everybody its round 9. i played my idol to save myself which was so cool but im sad that i had to do it bc now im really vulrunable and have no protection in this world. my only alliance left is anastasia and raffy and i dont even know if i can actually trust raffy bc he just voted toph off, but like i have no other options. also i jut realized i thimk i actually did send a confessional this round but its ok. the challenge is touchy subjects and i know i have pretty much no chance of winning but i hope i get asked whos a goat so i can say kenneth and maybe he’ll flip. the plan is to go for riley this round since they arent a huge player and hopefulyl anyoen who flips would be fine voting them. i really really really hope tonight isnt a hands up tribal bc that would be really bad ;)
Tumblr media
GUESS. FUCKING (freaking for the kids). WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A SUPER IDOL AKJSDNKSJANDKJSANDJKNASKJDNAKSJ I HONESTLY ALMOST LOST HOPE ON GETTING SOMETHING FROM THE SHOPS AT THIS POINT... The only other time I got something from the shop was my first ever purchase which led to an extra vote! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE because I feel like I have more options moving forward now, and I can make risky, but game-changing moves!! I will absolutely be saving the super idol as much as I can, hello?!?!?! I wanna make it to FTC so bad and ensure my spot in Final 5, so I just have to hold on until then!!!
soooo who's callin' me the fourth wheel to Ellie, Dennis, and Riley? oh? it's Brayden? okay king, step up then <3
Tumblr media
holy fuck I hope I can explain this mess to Brayden kljfjkdlsahjkb WHY AM I LIKE THIS
Tumblr media
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
Tumblr media
I was completely over Toph's vote out. Like, it just is another demonstration of my "allies" not trusting me. They thought that I told Toph all about the plan to vote him instead of Brayden. They think I ratted to Anastasia and Brayden about the whole deal. It was incredibly frustrating to wake up from a nap with my allies not trusting them. And then they wanted me to vote for Brayden which would have landed Ellie in the jury house. Like, the plan was perfect, but Dennis, Babs, and Ellie just talked themselves into a paranoid mess. After the vote, I managed to talk myself into the good graces of Brayden and Anastasia after voting out Toph. What I said was "If y'all still want to work together, I'm down, but I didn't necessarily trust Toph. Additionally, I was approached like last minute to vote him because of Ellie's idol (they told me about it just before the vote). And I didn't want Brayden to go (didn't know about your idol)." They seemed to buy it?
I went on call with Dennis afterwards and basically asked for Riley to get voted out this round because they are Ellie's immoveable ally. They will never want to work with me. That's dangerous. It could give Ellie a lot of power in this game. Dennis seemed to agree. I also realize that Dennis has a crystal clear view of my game. He knows the type of game I am playing. That scares me. I need to play this game with the knowledge he can turn on me at any time.
My current position is in the middle. I am working with the heads of both sides in this game. I am working with Ellie, Dennis, and Babs on one side. And Anastasia and Brayden on the other. Kenneth is on the Ellie side, but I think my avenues with him are currently closed. What's the most frustrating is that Anastasia and Brayden are so misted by Babs that they can't see that they are LYING. Straight to their faces! Talking about wanting to be allies. Like, I need them not to spill to Babs about anything cause then I would be exposed.
Pray for me y'all.
Kenneth uh this tribal was... literally not in our favor at all... riley was gone the whole time and we didn't throw raffy under our bus when we should have... rip well riley wasnt in my end game plan anyways but its still pretty unfortunate to not have them around for the next couple of votes... i wouldve pitched for raffy harder but it didn't even matter because riley already submitted the vote for brayden :/// just a lil' unfair but it's SURVIVOR i guess!
Keith I woke up to a surprise. I was expecting to be another day on this island but it wasnt to be... This was a round came with a surprise tribal after the challenge. So yayyyy me.... bye bye Exile.
0 notes
scruffylccking · 5 years
Note
‘ i think you should get some sleep. ’ claura
THE  PUNISHER,  S2  SENTENCE  STARTERS 
Tumblr media
in which the barton farm carries on in the days following endgame, with a few new faces and a number of changes. laura barton’s family seemingly doubling in size and what she really needs is a nap.
in weeks laura could not remember a night that she had managed to sleep all the way through. that was the thing about trauma, wasn’t it? it didn’t stop with the last bullet, it wasn’t the last headline or the cleanup schedule. the pain lingered, trauma lasted, scars were something a person had to try and live with. so she scooped up the kids no matter time it was when they came to her side, she stayed up with clint as often as he needed her and did her best not to let her own self-loathing get to her too much.
she had seen it with nat, how there were still things that reminded her of the red room, seen it with fox how her brother could so easily overshadow everything. for peggy it was steve, the loss of him had driven her to do so many good things. most days laura was convinced it would have been right to state that everyone had their own ghosts to battle. for clint it had been the farm, then loki and new york, pietro and ultron. she had held his hand best she could, but it was different this time. it was their kids this time, it was her this time, five whole years for him where she had not been there to bandage the wounds, run her hands through his hair or remind him over again that it was okay, that they were okay. whilst for her it had been five lost seconds, a new hair cut and a whole sleeve of tattoos that she had not been there to witness. how many nights lately had she lay awake lately tracing over the patterns with her fingertips trying to get used to the images. to memorise the look of his skin.
he was getting good at hiding it during the day, the trauma he had been through. the grin was still there as he kissed her temple with a ‘yes ma’am’ or a yell of ‘love you mama’ as he chased lila out the screen door trying to make up for lost time. there were still remnants of her clint left behind, she could hear them there when he laughed or fixed something for the kids. he still held her the same, knew all the little things about her with seemingly no effort at all, but there were most certainly parts of him that were different. he was trying to fit seamlessly into their little world as if there had been not a moment without her at all, but that was not necessarily true. there were now parts of him she wasn’t sure she would ever know completely. the majority of what little she knew came from grayson as (she had heard from others)  he had spent the blip following clint around like a lost puppy, the way he was with alice was a testiment to that she supposed, laura didn’t miss how in sync gray and alice were. the girl seemingly having found her own natasha, which may have done something to explain the boy’s loyalty even if the rest of the family didn’t quite return it yet.  that and the fact that alice was in a relationship with wanda’s son just about proved that there was so much she was still behind on it would see, a group of kids had opened up the reality of their entire future and she was only just beginning to process it.
the night times were more difficult, she could not distract herself from her thoughts with laudry at four in the morning and he couldn’t shield her from things on the nights he woke up screaming, or the nights that he would get up nearly every hour just to make sure that they were still there. laura’s heart broke for him, for the wounds she was not sure she could heal. he had killed people, done whatever he had to just to try and keep his head above the water, but she was almost convinced that there was more to the story than that. especially on the nights when he woke her up screaming. being able to affirm to coop and lila that daddy was fine became harder each time, with laura almost convinced of the fact that they could see through him just as much as she could.
having nat around helped with the kids at least. lila and coopers unwavering adoration of her just about made up for nathaniel’s cautiousness around bucky. nat, barnes, maggie, having the three of them at the farmhouse after everything wasn’t ever really in question: they were family and following the way alice and maggie seemed so in tune with each other it looked like they always would be. that did not however how strange it was to have barnes sat at on her sofa after all the stories that she had heard about him. he had ripped the wheel from sam wilson’s car, was the reason howard and maria stark had died, was the reason for the scar on nat’s stomach and had beaten none other than captain america within an inch of his life but that didn’t stop him from bending down to knee height too say hi to lila’s rabbit mr snuffles.
she had come downstairs one of the nights earlier. to find him sitting at the kitchen table. it was only then that she realised how difficult this was for him. he had been snapped too, he knew what it was like to blink and have everyone else around you suddenly five years older. except he had had so much before even then. his name had been on the wall of valour at shield headquarters she remembered, something small peggy could do to remember him, but in all that time he had been taken in by hydra. dark, brooding, complicated. he was, perhaps unsurprisingly natasha’s type. even though she tried to press the two of them too much. it was clear to anyone who might look their way to notice that they were doing their best to try and figure things out. she assumed that must have been hard enough to do on their own. her mind flicked to the phone upstairs left by captain rogers, she was still trying to figure out whether he was actively wary of bucky’s possible behaviour or whether it was just to stop him worrying. peggy wasn’t wrong when she said the man cared so deeply. it was one of his many admirable traits.still, there was something about the dishevelled group of individuals staying in their house surmised just wanted their house to be: a home, a place to live, a place to love, a place that was safe. even if that left her with very little sleep.
he always had a way of finding her, even if it was one in the morning and she had hidden herself away in the laundry room doing her best to fold all the clean laundry for the nine people currently living in the house. it had been a bit of a tight squeezing in and cooper and nathaniel weren’t particularly happy about sharing but they managed it. arms wrap around her waist and she can feel herself stop and just hold onto him for a few moments, letting out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. no matter what kind of problems they were going through it seemed like clint was always going to be a soft place to land.
“need to finish this,” she spoke gently after a moment, knowing what he was going to say. as much as she worried about her, he worried about her also.
“ i think you should get some sleep,” he muttered into her shoulder, placing a few kisses to the skin.
she wanted to argue with him. to tell him that she needed to finish what she was doing: that lila would need to t-shirt tomorrow and that nat loved the sweater she had been entrusted with, but he’d heard such comments before. he had been good at dismissing them then and there was no doubt he would be able to dismiss them now.
“i just need to-”
“no i mean it laur,” he hardly ever sounded this serious with her. “you’ve been so busy taking care of everyone else, you need to take some time for yourself,” it was moments like this that she loved im for, she was supposed to be taking care of him, being stable for him. so that he could take all the time he needed to get better and here he was as always looking out for her. “c’mon,” he spoke moving to take her hand then, leading her upstairs. it was almost odd that even after everything the two of them could be so ordinary. “i’d say we have at least five hours before one of the kids wakes up,”
0 notes