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thefanficmonster · 3 years

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Corpse’s Girl

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Bullying, Swearing, Derogatory Terms

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Summary: Y/N’s life as a regular college student is forever stripped away from her when her relationship with the famous YouTuber Corpse Husband is accidentally revealed during an online class of hers. How will she cope with the sudden spotlight and the unwanted attention, some of which crosses into bullying?

Requested by my amazing Tumblr friend @itsminniekat 🥰 She’s been reading and liking my works since day one and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful. If you’re reading this, all I can say is thank you, darling. Thank you so much for sticking by my blog even when I posted some crappy fics. I’ll make sure this ain’t one of them. Love you with all my heart. ❤❤❤

P.S. - I named the mean character with my name so I hope no one who reads this has the same name. Wouldn’t want any of you feeling like the villain 😘

Who knew online class would be even more boring than being physically present for a lecture? Seriously, I find myself doing the weirdest of crap to entertain myself - like trying to balance a pen on the tip of my nose for example. I jot down some notes every now and then but that’s basically it. My mind can not fathom the concept on concentrating on whatever my professors are going on and on about. Well, full disclosure, I couldn’t concentrate even if I wanted to, especially with my boyfriend streaming in the other room.

He’s currently playing Among Us with his usual gaming squad. Listening to his input during the discussions, I can always tell when he’s lying. I honestly find it hilarious that his friends can’t pick up when he’s bullshitting them. I sometimes wonder if he has brainwashed them. And that’s one of the main reasons we don’t play Among Us together - he can’t lie to me. Not only do I pick up on his con with ease, but he always says he feels bad when he lies to me which is just the sweetest thing. Also, I refuse to play cause I’m shy. His friends are all well-known content creators and I’m a literal nobody. Every now and then I find myself wondering why Corpse is even with me. He’s always quick to push those thoughts out of my head and make sure they don’t return on a long notice, but they do interrupt my peace from time to time.

“Y/N, do you know?“ The sound of my professor saying my name takes me out of my eavesdropping of Corpse’s stream.

I panic, but quickly improvise, “Sorry, my internet is slow, you cut out for a second. What was the question?” I feel my face heating up, making me glad we are allowed to keep our cameras off.

“Question number 15 on page 82 in your textbook. Do you know the answer to it?“ My professor repeats himself, his tone annoyed.

I look down at the page that’s already opened in front of me. I let out a sigh of relief, seeing that the question is rather easy.

“Yeah, um, it’s...“ Suddenly, Corpse’s laugh reaches my room loud and clear. There’s no doubt my mic picked up the noise, especially since the door to my room is open.

The color drains from my face as I hurry to say the answer and remute myself. My eyes are wide as I stare at my screen, hoping no one will acknowledge that very recognizable laugh.

“OMG Y/N, are you watching a Corpse Husband stream in class?” One of the bitches in my class, Vy, speaks up, “Not a very goody-two-shoe move on your part, dear.”

I purposely unmute my mic to mumble a quick ‘Shut up, bitch’ that somehow manages to fly under my professor’s radar and the class continues. It’s the first time something like this has happened and I’m not sure if I handled it properly or not.

The class ends shortly after, allowing me a sigh of relief as I disconnect from the meeting.

“Fucking finally.“ I mumble to myself, leaning back in my desk chair. Tilting my head backwards, I see Corpse standing in the doorframe. I grin, not only because his presence itself makes me ten times happier, but also because he’s upside down from my viewpoint. “Well, hello there! How long have you been spying on me?“

He struts over to me, leaning his face over mine, “Long enough.” His lips linger above mine without any actual contact before he pulls away, allowing me to sit up straight and proper in the chair. “You still have classes?”

I nod my head while disappointedly rolling my eyes, “Yeah. One more. Shouldn’t be too bad since it’s English Lit. You’re done streaming?”

“Yeah, I just have some other things to do. I haven’t done a narration video in a while, I miss making that type of content.“ He plops down on my bed, running a hand through his messy black curls.

“Weren’t you recording some lines a few days ago?“ I frown as I try to recall if what I’m referring to actually happened or my brain is too fried to decipher reality from my bootleg perception of it. Online class, man - messes with your head like sleeping pills - makes you disoriented and exhausted with barely doing anything other than trying to wrap your brain around a lecture or two.

He hums affirmatively, “It’s not a finished project and I don’t even know if I’ll use those or rerecord them. I’ll have to listen to them again before I make a final decision.“

I tilt his chin upwards with my pointer finger, a gesture he has told me he finds very endearing, “I’m sure they’re great and you just refuse to be satisfied. Everything you do is great.“

He smiles a small, shy smile, his fingers gently wrapping around my wrist, holding my hand in place, “You’re biased. You like me too much to tell me when I do some bullshit.”

I scoff, “You know that isn’t true. If someone’s gonna kick your butt in formation, it’s gonna be me.“ I give him a quick kiss on the forehead before pulling away from him, “Go on, now. I have a class to attend. You distract me enough while you’re in the other room, I can only imagine how hard it’d be for me to focus if you were right by my side.“

He smirks, bowing a little as he makes his way out of the room, “You flatter me.”

I playfully roll my eyes, getting my headset back on as I tap the last class for the day. We have an assignment due to the start of the class which we’ll have to present if the professor approved of it. We basically had to write a psychoanalysis of a character from any book of our choice. I chose Heathcliff from ‘Wuthering Heights’ which is one of my favorite books of all time. I’m proud of what I wrote and the way I wrote it, but I’ve always barely scraped by with a B in this class, a B+ if I’m lucky, so I’ve never gotten any major credit, even when I put my 110% in the assignments and projects.

Well, color me surprised when the professor calls on me first to read my work, complimenting it on its detailed and specific nature. I get my printed assignment out in front of me and unmute myself.

“I wrote a psychoanalysis on for Heathcliff, a character from Emily Bronte’s novel ‘Wuthering Heights’.“ Just after I say this line, Corpse’s voice booms throughout the whole apartment, no doubt being picked up by my mic. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually talking, he can’t be that loud. I put two and two together when I recognize the lines he’s saying - the ones he recorded a few days ago. They’re coming from his computer speakers. He probably didn’t check the volume before playing back the recording.

I mute myself as quickly as possible, but it’s too late. The voice dies down as Corpse probably turned down the speakers.

My professor, who is already done with this lecture, just annoyedly remarks, her words overdosed with sarcasm: “Read your assignment and you can go back to whatever it is you are watching.”

“Wow, Y/N! Again?! Are you one of those crazy obsessed fans or something? Is Corpse Husband all you watch?“ This bitch is really poking a stick at me, huh? The only crazy obsessed fan here is her, and my friends but they are allowed. Little do all of them know, I am obsessed but not simply over a YouTuber. I’m obsessed with my boyfriend who just happens to be a YouTuber.

“No commentary, please.“ The professor scolds her, “Go on, Y/N.“

I finish reading without any other disturbances. The professor compliments my essay again when I’m done, the small incident at the beginning forgotten already. Well, not by everyone. One of my friends shot me a quick text to joke about it which only earned an eye roll from me.

My friends don’t know that I’m dating Corpse either. As I said, they are simping HARD over him while I act the most indifferent on the subject. Whenever they ask my opinion on him I either say ‘he’s OK’ or just avoid answering completely. I know saying anything more enthusiastic than that would turn into a snowball rolling down a snowy hill - I’d just keep babbling about how nice, amazing, wonderful and a gift to this world Corpse is, inevitably revealing our relationship in the process.

I’m afraid of revealing my relationship with Corpse in front of these people. They are all run on jealousy and selfishness and I can only imagine how mean they’d be about it. I’m already not too fond of them, it would only be worse if any of my personal life was exposed.

When the class finally ends I remove my headset, putting my forehead down on the desk, barely missing the keyboard. I groan in frustration and anger at myself for not fighting back. I could’ve and should’ve said something - ANYTHING. But what? That’s a question I can’t find the answer to.

“Hey...“ Corpse’s hesitant voice comes from behind me, “You ok?“

I straighten my posture, turning to him with a smile. “Yeah, but these people suck.”

I get up from my chair as he approaches me, basically falling in his arms. The comfort I feel radiating off of him makes me relax, forget the past hour or so. He has always had this effect on me. Like my own personal kryptonite to my anger and anxiety.

“Did I get you in any trouble because of that?“ His voice shows clear concern and guilt.

I wrap my arms around him tighter, burying my head in his chest. “No, don’t worry about it.“

And I really wasn’t in trouble. Not until now that the video is officially posted....

I can call these people dumb all I want but they sure put two and two together awfully fast. They recognized the lines they heard during class as the same ones from his new video that came out almost a week after the incident, aka two days ago. It’s safe to say I haven’t touched my phone or computer since.

“This is all my fault.“

Of all the horrible things I suspected would happen this has to be the worst - Corpse is blaming himself for it. I am prepared to take all the shit these people have to throw at me but seeing Corpse beating himself up over this is killing me. No amount of convincing can change his mind. Nothing I say helps.

“Please, stop doing this to yourself. Non of this is your fault, Corpse.“ I’ve repeated this sentence more than a thousand time these past forty eight hours, each time saying it more and more desperately.

“All of it is my fault, Y/N. I’m so sorry. I hate myself so much.“ Has been his reply single time.

I can’t watch him be so mean to himself. It’s the most conflicting thing when the person you love most is torturing themselves. It’s easy if it’s someone else doing it, you just kick their ass. But what are you supposed to do when the person you want to protect is the same one you need to protect them from.

Corpse has shut himself away in his recording room these past few hours and though he clearly needs to be alone, he still left the door open just a crack cause he knows I’ll be worried sick otherwise.

While I’m alone in the living room, I’ve finally managed to brace myself and build enough courage to power up my laptop. Last time it was on it was going mad with notifications.

“It’s digital. Only digital. It can’t hurt you too badly if it can’t touch you, right?“ I mumble to myself, already frustrated despite not having yet seen all the horrors that await me.

And horrors there were. Everywhere. Twitter. Instagram. Facebook.

My grades. Some pictures of me no one has ever seen. My school files. People from my class tweeting Corpse to ‘expose’ me for the ‘slut’ or ‘bitch’ I really am. Corpse hasn’t touched social media either and I plan on making sure it stays that way. God only knows how much worse he’ll get if he sees these claims.

And then, like a notification sent straight from hell, an email from my professor.

Practical lectures on Friday. Be here at 9 AM. Don’t forget your mask and gloves.

Good thing I opened my laptop when I did. Friday is tomorrow and I need to prepare for this day. Not only do I need to hit the books but I need to toughen up a bit. I can’t go there looking like I feel - like a mess.

Alright, time to put the brave face on. No more wallowing in it, at least not until tomorrow afternoon.

I make a study plan and hop in the shower. I feel the need to apologize to my hair for washing it so roughly, basically yanking at my strands from frustration that has been suppressed for too long.

I get our of the boiling hot shower, red as a lobster, and change into some clean comfortable clothes and put my ass in study mode. I remove all the scary expectations of the morning to come from my mind and let the information the textbooks has to offer seep into my brain.

* * *

I’m about to head out and, despite my put-together composure, I am a wreck inside. I actually put effort into my appearance, I mean - I even styled my hair. A pretty façade to hide a ruin.

I saw my friends’ texts last night, all three of them ending their friendship with me because they felt betrayed. I haven’t yet decided how to feel about that. Doesn’t matter at the moment, there are more important matters at hand, aka surviving the next three hours.

My college is within ten minutes walking distance from our apartment. That ten minute walk has never been so stressful, not even during exam season. The air feels a little harder to breathe, the path a little shorter to walk. And my moment of reckoning a little too close.

I feel eyes on me the second I start walking through the park of our campus. Sure, I could just be paranoid, but the feeling is too real to be just my imagination in overdrive. I’m glad I have my hair down and a mask on so the redness of my cheeks and neck isn’t on display. That’s a sign of weakness right now.

We have two an hour and a half long classes between which we have a snack break that’s half an hour. I usually enjoy that period but I’m dreading it now. These assholes can only be so mean in the presence of a professor, but during lunch break they can increase that tenfold.

“Well if it isn’t Corpse’s girl.“ I hear that a lot. The whispers are not so much whispers as intentionally loud enough for me to hear remarks. I’m not bothered by them, it’s the least they can do. If I let such a simple thing get to me, I’d be crumbling by the end of first period.

I hear some shuffling behind me and out of the corner of my eye I see, yeah you guessed it, THAT bitch. She’s standing as close to me as she can without violating Covid regulations. A mask is covering her face but the menacing look in her eyes tells me all I need to know about the interaction that’s about to go down.

“I’d ask how much he pays you for the hour.....“ her long nails tap the wooden desk, “but that’d be rude. I bet it’s tough being a maid. Do you just clean or are you a multipurpose lap dog? No offense, I’m genuinely curious.“

“Vy, would you be so kind as to give Y/N some room to breathe?“ The professor asks as he nonchalantly walks in.

Vy rolls her eyes, batting her eyelashes at me, “Talk to you later, sweetheart.” With a fake friendly wave she’s out of my hair, at least for now.

Remember what I said about these people not being as dumb as I pegged them to be? Yeah, scratch that. These fuckers actually tried getting away with taking pictures of me with flash in broad daylight. Like, HELLO! I have two functioning eyes and a brain, I’m onto you. Sadly, me having figured out their childish but hurtful methods of humiliating me doesn’t change much. They still posted the pics they took, using the most derogatory terms they could find in the English language, always making sure to tag Corpse and me both.

Needless to say, these were the longest three hours of my life.

* * *

Shutting the door to our apartment behind me causes relief of the highest levels. I feel like I’ve locked out all the bad shit I have had to deal with these past twenty four hours.

I’m tired. I’m fucking exhausted. I feel like a discarded piece of paper.

And it all starts crumbling. A wall is bound to start slowly falling apart after being hit over and over again, each time feeling the blows with a stronger intensity.

I slide down the door sitting down on the floor and slowly taking my shoes off. I put my bag beside me and wrap my arms around my knees, hiding my head in the space between them and my chest.

One tear slides down my cheek.

Another follows.

And another, this time accompanied by a choked sob.

A pair of arms wraps around the ball that my body has been shaped into. One of his hands comes up to stroke my hair gently, feeding me the comfort I have been longing for since I left the apartment this morning.

“I saw it. All of it. All the shit they talk about you. All the names they call you. And I’ve never wanted to beat so many people up simultaneously.“ His words make me raise my head from its low position, giving him a knowing look. “I wish I could. I would, but that would land me in jail. Which doesn’t even sound so bad cause I don’t like going out. Only problem is you wouldn’t be with me. I wouldn’t want you to be there with me, don’t get me wrong, I’d never want you to end up in jail. I-...” I cut him off by pressing my lips to his. A quick kiss that says so much but mainly shows the immeasurable gratitude for his support.

Seeing those awful tweets and comments had the complete opposite effect on him. He no longer blames himself but the people who actually deserve the blame - all those jerks from my college.

I pull away, giving him a small smile. “I would never let you go to jail.”

He smiles back at me, overjoyed that my mood is slowly being lifted, “Come on, I have a nice crowd that would like to meet you.”

I know exactly what he means. Felix, Sean, Rae, Dave, Sykkuno and the rest of his friends. The people I’ve been so shy and afraid to meet since day one. Being shy doesn’t really make sense now, seeing as how they know I exist and that I’m a part of Corpse’s life.

What do I have to lose?

“Guys, this is my girlfriend, Y/N.“ Corpse’s black avatar runs around my cyan one in the Among Us lobby.

I can’t help but giggle when I unmute my mic, “Hi everyone! It’s so nice to finally meet you.“ They each introduce themselves, expressing how happy they are to be meeting me too.

It’s the first time in what feels like a while that I’m truly having fun. These people are wonderful, each so unique and lovely. They never brought up the scandal nor acted as though they knew about it. I know they did and I am beyond grateful that they never mentioned it or treated me any differently because of it. Also, Corpse was streaming the whole time. I had my phone on his stream, my eyes nervously scanning the chat every now and then. I couldn’t believe it. Corpse’s real fans were just as wonderful as his friends - they were nothing but supportive and happy to have met me.

Now, I can either choose to believe these people were being so nice to me out of sympathy or I can believe they really like me and appreciate me for who I am and not for what happened to me.

I choose to believe the latter.

And while I’m still getting accustomed to this whole new spotlight, I know I’ll be able to handle it as long as I’m holding Corpse’s hand in the process. All I need is to have him beside me and I’m prepared to tackle anything.

“They love you.“ Corpse tells me once the stream is done and we’ve hopped out of the Discord call, “But I love you more.“

His arms wrap around my waist while mine instinctively find their way around his neck, “I love them, too. But they’re at the number 2 spot.”

He smirks at me, “I wonder who’s at number 1.”

I push up on my toes, putting my lips an inch away from his, “Hmm, I wonder...”

He doesn’t let me finish, silencing my teasing with a sweet, loving kiss.

@susceptible-but-siriusexual @simonsbluee @save-the-sky @hacker-ghost @bi-andready-tocry @imtiredaffff @jazzkaurtheglorious @hereforbeebo @fandomgirl17 @chrysanthykios @maehemscorpyus @loraleiix @letsloveimagines @annshit @i-cant-choose-a-username-help @enigmaticmaze @divine-artemis @waterlilypat

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lightns881 · 3 years

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DTeam Tumblr Demographics Survey Results (Part 2):

What does DTeamblr look like, what does it have to do with MCYT history, and why does it look like a rainbow?

I’ll make an educated guess here and say y'all enjoyed my last post (totally unrelated to the way I gained almost 50 followers overnight). Anyhow, thank you so much for the overwhelming support! I’m so glad a lot of you felt you could relate to my deep-dive into the leading personality type on DTeam Tumblr. It took me so many hours to write and research, and as a math major and honors student, it’s no easy feat, so I’m so grateful for the attention it got!

Today we’re discussing the general demographics of DTeam Tumblr and why they might look the way they do. Number 8 will blow your mind! So make sure to keep reading and hit that little grey heart and arrow at the bottom if you like it, so more people get to see it! Thanks for your support! Now, let’s jump straight into the post!

Your Daily Dose of Data

From the 449 responses we received, these are some pie charts displaying the gender, age, and sexuality of all respondents.

Image Description: Female (52.8%), Non-Binary (37.4%), Male (9.8%)

Image Description: 16-17 (37%), 13-15 (31.4%), 18 and over (29.4%), 12 and under (2.2%)

Image Description: Bisexual/Pansexual (54.1%), Homosexual (16%), Asexual (14.7%), Other (7.8%), Heterosexual (7.3%)

Mmhm, delicious! Y'all ready to dig into these stats? Because I don’t know about you, but they certainly don’t strike me as what the general population looks like!

Welcome to Tumblr, the Only Community Where Straight Men are the Minority

So these statistics certainly didn’t take me by surprise. Mostly because the DNF Shipper Survey I took some time ago revealed a similar trend. Not to mention, Tumblr is probably the QUEEREST internet community on the planet.

Funny enough, the survey revealed a shocking number of ZERO heterosexual males respondents. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back. ZERO straight males were recorded out of 449 respondents for this survey!

Now, this isn’t surprising for the Tumblr community by itself, but I can say I’m somewhat surprised in terms of the MCYT Tumblr community. (Obviously, the survey specified DTeam Tumblr, but there is a big overlap between both communities, so I will be using them interchengably when it seems relevant.)

Let’s break this down. The survey reveals the largest age population is 16-17, though it’s not by a great margin in comparison to 13-15 and 18 and older, which doesn’t surprise me either. Some of the major critics of the DTeam Fandom and other MCYT Fandoms love to claim the fanbase’s majority age range lies with children and pre-teens. While it’s an undeniable fact children are drawn to Minecraft, it’s also a misconception to paint it as solely a community for younger viewers.

In the MCYT Tumblr and DTeam Tumblr communities, specifically, we see this is not the case. Only 1/3 of the respondents of this survey are under the age of 16 (you could attribute part of it to the fact younger people might be less inclined to participate in this survey, but it is still a notable difference). I can’t say these age ranges are similar in other parts of the community like DTeam Twitter, Tik Tok, or Reddit, but if I had to make a guess, I’d say Tumblr lies toward the older of the bunch, with Reddit being the oldest and Tik Tok being the youngest (I do hope to perform this survey on some of the other communities, so please stay until the end if you want to help with that).

One of the likely explanations to why the ages for DTeam Tumblr look this way is the fact a big chunk of the community has likely been watching MCYT for a long time (even with breaks in between). I, myself, used to watch channels like PopularMMOs, Aphmau, and PrestonPlayz as a kid, and I presume many of you are familiar with them as well. With the resurgence of MCYT in the past year, it likely drew a lot of the older viewers in addition to the new ones.

But enough about age. What I really want to highlight on this post is the attraction of queer individuals to DTeam Tumblr and MCYT as a whole.

Why is the current MCYT Fandom so queer in comparison to the previous generations?

This is a huge open-ended question and considering I can only capture so much of the DTeam and MCYT community, the rest of this post should be taken solely as a theoretical analysis as opposed to fact.

With that out of the way, let’s start by discussing the shift MCYT has undergone over the years (I promise this will circle back to the question of queerness in the MCYT fandom, but we need some background before we can come up with a decent theory).

When Minecraft was first released, it proved to be a monumental change in the gaming industry. This simple little indie game took the world by storm. It was so vastly different from what the general population generally viewed gaming as (first-person shooters, story-driven games, action games, etc.) Not to mention, it didn’t exactly solely appeal to only a small margin of gamers, those being white cis males.

The gaming industry has notoriously been known in the past for its heteronormative community and general prejudice toward minorities. Though it has gone through a significant change over the decades, we certainly can’t say it’s fully gone.

Yet for whatever reason, the recent MCYT has taken the interest of so many queer people in comparison to other gaming YouTube communities. Why? Why are queer people so drawn to this community? And, more precisely, why does it feel so different than the old MCYT? Lastly, how does this relate to the conclusion about the leading personalities of this fandom we made in the last post?

The Niche Communities of MCYT Over the Years

MCYT has always been a huge, over-saturated genre of YouTube with content appealing to a variety of audiences. It’s dominated gaming content for years, and I think we can all safely say it’s never been bigger than it is today.

So why is it that just now it feels like the queerness of the fandom is popping off? Why now as opposed to say five years ago when MCYT was at another one of it’s strongest stages?

It seems like the community has made a tremendous shift in relation to breaking gender norms and LGBTQ+ subjects, not only in the fans but within the creators themselves. Was flirting and calling a pretty-boy streamer pet names as normal in the past as it is today? Were straight gamer guys putting on dresses and a full-face of make-up as supported back then? Were “marriages” and “pregnancies” within Minecraft boys an everyday occurrence like they are now? How is it that MCYT has dominated a Twitch dating show where flirting with the gay host and among straight contestants themselves is just another bit of entertainment? Where is this all coming from?

Recently, I watched a 2 hour documentary depicting all of the stages of Minecraft YouTube and how it has changed over the years. If you haven’t seen it and you have some time to spare, I HIGHLY recommend it! It’s very informative, and it honestly gave me such a strong sense of nostalgia that makes me choke up every time I think about it. I’ll link it below.

The documentary does a great job at exploring the different niche communities that dominated MCYT since it first took off. Some of such communities include the basic Let’s Players, the team-based Let’s Play channels like How2Minecraft, the roleplay story-centric ones like Aphmau and Samgladiator, the tutorial, building and technical side like Mumbo and Grian, the PVP-centric Bedwars or Hypixel channels, the Machinima community, the comedy side like ExplosiveTNT, the parody music videos, and so many more. All of the mentioned communities have dominated Minecraft at one point or another, many of them still having a rippling effect and/or a loyal community today. All of these communities have certain aspects that define them, some of which parallel the current overtaking content in the present.

How can we compare MyStreet to the Dream SMP?

Taking Aphmau as an example, her MyStreet series had a TREMENDOUS success a few years ago, racking in millions of views and bringing in a lot of money that eventually allowed her to hire voice actors and increase the production of mentioned episodes. The roleplay series was so successful it ran for six seasons!

Now, let’s compare that to the Dream SMP. It seems like a big comparison to be making considering they appear so different at first glance. For once, Aphmau is just one channel whose audience caters toward girls and younger people who enjoy romance. The series is set-up in an episodic-format that resembles more of a TV series than actual Minecraft videos.

Meanwhile, the Dream SMP is a collection of content creators with a mix of improvised storylines and the occasional regular video that resembles more of a Let’s Play series than a RP series.

You could say the only true comparisons to draw out of these two are the popularity they had/have and the profit they brought to their respective creators.

However, there’s two other key similarities that you’ll find not only within these two specific examples, but many other channels and communities as well. Story and characters.

MyStreet’s story aspect is fairly obvious seeing as it’s a episodic series that focuses on a fictional story. The Dream SMP’s story aspect isn’t as clear, but it’s evident there is a story playing out in the foreground and background, whether intentional or unintentional, or improvised or not.

Character is where some of you might start to question me. It’s obvious MyStreet has characters. I mean, it is a fictional story, after all. But the Dream SMP? Light, they’re obviously people!

Well, my answer to that is yes and no--sort of. The Dream SMP’s story heavily relies on roleplay, bits as you might call them. Events that aren’t necessarily planned out as a fictional plot like the typical MyStreet episode is, but they aren’t exactly real. Schlatt is obviously not a villain in real life, he just likes to impersonate as one for the narrative. Wilbur isn’t crazy, but it’s a way to spice up the heroic story surrounding Tommy and him.

It’s video-game improv. Except the actors behind the content just so happen to be real people playing off the personalities and “brands” they have obtained.

Brands. It all boils down to this. In the entertainment business, without a clear vision of your project and a clear way to brand what your consumer intakes, your project will likely not find a lot of success.

There’s a reason why Tommy plays off his loudness, using an overexaggerated laugh that although may not be completely fake, it is likely not the laugh he uses everyday. Or why BadBoyHalo is this supposed innocent muffin who doesn’t understand the crafting table meme and other references that are fairly easy to google and find the meaning of. Or why Sapnap is this chaotic being who loves starting pet wars and we love to paint as an arsonist in the Dream SMP. While all of these personality traits may be a part of their true selves, they’re played up for the camera--for the story. They act as the personas that define their characters in the narrative.

They have a clear brand and vision that appeals to the audience and makes them tune in on the daily to see how they all come together. It’s like roleplaying a more extreme version of yourself, one that brings home the money.

Story and characters run across every entertainment outlet. They define their brand. Aphmau has her characters and series. Hermitcraft has a set of memorable personalities and episodic videos that formulate its own story that is less like a narrative and more of a history of the server. ExplodingTNT has his recurring cast and comedic sketches. Most of these niche communities have a form of story and character defining them. It’s how they achieve a clear sense of branding and cater to a specific audience.

Queer Theory in MCYT

Having said all that, why does the MCYT of today draw in so many queer viewers?

Let’s think about this. In my last post, I ended by mentioning DTeam Tumblr is a sort of safe haven for INFP and INxx types who might be placed in the “other” category by society. INFPs, specially, are predisposed for escapism--one common form of it being fiction and entertainment. Not to mention, INFPs are feeling types who, as introverts, seek a personable connection. It’s why it’s so easy for them to obsess over book characters or fall in love with content creators.

Now, let’s imagine a whole community of LGBTQ+ INFP and INxx types. Actually, scratch that, we don’t even have to imagine it.

It’s what our community looks like today.

And why are so many so drawn to the DTeam and Dream SMP of all things? It’s a personable storyline that essentially forms a direct tie to the viewer. Unlike pre-recorded fictional TV series you tune into on your device, the Dream SMP is a whole load of chaos that blurs the lines between reality and fiction where fans can directly connect to creators and get to know them as people through a storyline that features sub-textual queer themes and non-conforming behaviors.

The MCYT content creator community of today is more non-conforming than ever before, and knowing this whole fact, knowing that many of them might place themselves in the “other” category or at the very least aren’t afraid to break the norms and be seen in that light, is a comfort in itself for LGBTQ+ INFP types. Once again, it’s a safe space that helps you escape from the troubles of real life, one you relate to.

Okay. So although this does answer why the fans look like they do, what about the creators themselves? Are we really supposed to believe this all came through naturally? That a bunch of straight guys suddenly decided wearing dresses was something they wanted to do?

I don’t mean to sound cynical here, and I’m in no way trying to insinuate creators have solely some sort of corrupt ulterior motive. Things are never as simple as they look. However, the truth is, a part of it lies on the attention it’s gotten.

I’ve talked a lot about DreamNotFound and the way Dream uses it as a marketing ploy. I stand by my point. However, he’s not the only one who does this in the MCYT community. Why did Finn suddenly go from wearing a dress to cross-dressing as a girl for a whole week? Why are so many creators suddenly deciding wearing dresses is fun? Why does every freaking straight MCYT actively want to flirt with George nowadays?

Let’s just let Techno’s favorite word answer this for us: clout.

It gets attention from one of the largest historically underserved minority community in the entertainment business. We might not be able to see gay flirting in every Netflix TV show or guys not minding dresses and getting fake marriages, but you are certainly going to get at least one of those in every Dream SMP stream and video you tune into. It gets attention. It brings home the money. And do I blame them? Not really.

Interestingly enough, there’s a lot of analytical posts on the MCYT Tumblr community that discuss the dangers of these tactics and why gay jokes and the way queer subtext is treated by MCYT creators is harmful. Despite this, it still attracts such a huge community of queers. So why exactly would queer people actively watch something that’s offensive or harmful to us?

I have a lot more to say about this topic and the morality behind Dream’s tactics, but I’m out of breath for today, so I’ll talk about it in my next post. What better way to start the conversation about the DNF and Karlnap questions of the survey than a good ol’ discussion on the morality of queerbaiting and the likes?

If you got this far, I’d appreciate it if you liked and reblogged this post if you enjoyed it and/or learned something new! Also, important news, I would really like to perform a similar study on the DTeam Twitter Community to measure the differences in demographics across platforms. I would REALLY appreciate it if you guys could go like, retweet and share the link I posted on my Twitter about it (tweet will be linked in the reblog below) so it reaches more of the DTeam Twitter community!

However, if you filled out the survey yourself here or you associate more with DTeam Tumblr than DTeam Twitter please DO NOT fill out the survey again! I’m trying to make sure it reaches the audience that mains on Twitter, but I need a little help with that since I don’t have as big of an influence on Twitter than on here for obvious reasons.

Anyhow, thank you so much for all your support! I really appreciate y’all and make sure to hit the follow if you want to lookout for the next demographics post! <3

(Pssst, I’m releasing a MCYT DNF superpower AU longfic next month... You should totally go check out the post on that if you’re interested in it...)

#dteam #dteamblr #dream smp #dttblr #mcyt #dreamwastaken #dnf #mcyttblr #georgenotfound #dreamnotfound #dttwt #dream team #dteamblr demographics survey

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finelydressedspacemen · 3 years

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My Greatest Works of the Past Year: The Tag Game

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose five of your favourite works you created in the past year and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in the past year. Tag as many artists/writers/etc. as you want so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

^~*~^

Oh boy. I was tagged by @darlingandmreames. I’m not super into talking about myself, but here we go. I have a really stressful job, and I started reading A/E fic after seeing the tenth anniversary release and remembering how much I loved these two. I wrote fic back in the day, for other fandoms. I stopped around 2010. After reading for a while, I decided I wanted to get back into writing, and here I am. I feel like I’ve blown some of the dust off over the last few months, and I hope to get better. I write fic for stress relief. That means my primary focus is entertainment. I am here for the softness. I am never going to write a sad ending. It just won’t happen. Anyway, here are my five favorites of the year, in chronological (and, coincidentally, reverse rank) order.

Title:

WC: 3,712

Summary:

“You only have ten toppings to choose from, and none of them is red onion ('red onion has no place on a pizza, darling,' the owner told me— 'it overpowers the body of the sauce profile').“

“That’s Culinary School 101,” Eames interrupts, quietly.

"Do you want me to read this or not?”

Excerpt:

Eames tries not to let his gaze linger on the lean muscles of Arthur’s torso. Armed with a shirt, Arthur doesn’t seem very intent on using it. He frowns at his own stomach, hands flailing uselessly at his sides. Eames steps forward, and bends to retrieve the soiled shirt and tie from the ground. “You don’t have to do that,” Arthur says.

“Of course I do, darling,” Eames replies as he stands. He finds himself a little too close to Arthur, the critic’s back against a shelf of cured meat, his naked front scant more than an inch away from Eames. He breathes carefully into the space between them. “Health code, you know.”

Commentary: This is the very first AU I ever wrote. I knocked it out in a weekend. My partner and I watched a YouTube video ranking pizzas and decided to order from three different local pizza shops as we were about to get snowed in. I definitely had pizza on the brain that weekend. I have a (slowly developing) sequel to this story in the works, but I don’t promise it will ever see the light of day.

^~*~^

Title:

WC: 3,246

Summary:

“It’s some kind of advice column,” she explains, intrigued. “Look at this.” She turns the computer his way, and he settles down on the barstool beside her.

“Dear Morpheus,” Arthur reads. “What the hell is this?”

Excerpt:

“Good lord,” Eames breathes. “There’s only maybe— five possibilities.”

“If you sit down and work for an hour, I might give you a hint,” Arthur teases with a wink over his shoulder.

Eames tosses his jacket down in a huff. “Darling you can’t flirt like that. It’s not decent. You know what it does to me when you wink.”

“Get to work, Mr. Eames."

Commentary: This is the most serious crack fic that ever cracked, and I probably should have tagged it that way. I’m not sure where I thought I was going, tonally. I am sure I got the idea watching a rerun of Sex and the City, knocked out a huge chunk of this in one frantic sitting, and drank a significant amount of wine while I was at it. This is probably the start of my Soft Boys phase. This is also probably my most out of character version of Arthur, and that’s the reason this one isn’t higher in my mental ranking.

^~*~^

Title:

WC: 8,030

Summary:

“It's not romantic," Arthur scoffs. He softens immediately. “He’s up there by himself. It’s my job to keep him feeling connected to home.”

Excerpt:

“Look, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, that’s fine. But I need to just say— I love talking to you. You call me, and it’s the best part of my night. I want to hear about your worms and your plants and the stupid things you do to make your life more interesting. I talk to you, Eames, because I likeyou. I ask all the questions because I care about you, and I worry about how you’re doing, and if you’re ok. I feel completely helpless down here, and I’m totally out of my depth. And maybe it only makes it worse for you that I care. Maybe that’s weird. I don’t know. I don’t do this kind of thing.”

“What kind of thing?” Eames interrupts.

“I just— I like you, Eames.”

“Oh.”

“You can lose this extension. I’ll understand. I just didn’t want you to think that it was all about the job. You’re important to me.”

“I like you too, Arthur,” Eames says.

“Oh,” Arthur swallows.

Commentary: I was pretty in love with this fic when I posted it, but I have concerns that it’s kind of boring. Slow burn soft boys. It also turns out that there’s a real eBook with a stupidly similar set up. This is another one with a slowly developing sequel that may never see the light of day. I will post a link to the real eBook if that sequel comes about, because if people like this enough to read a sequel, I’m hopeful they’ll support a real author who does this for a living.

^~*~^

Title:

WC: 3,322

Summary:

“This is why there are rumors, you know.”

“What rumors?” Arthur asks, eyes narrowed.

Excerpt:

Arthur feels very strongly about his serious commitment to not ever touching Eames. He cheated on it once.

It was enough.

He can be forgiven.

And if he thinks about it when he’s alone and frustrated, well, that’s just because he hasn’t been with anyone since, and two weeks isn’t long enough to get the taste out of his mouth. It’s only in the dark that this is a problem. In the daylight, Eames is still Eames.

Commentary: This is the first fic where I really felt like I stuck the landing. It’s also probably the point where I should have renamed myself FinelyDressedSoftFics. This fic is Exhibit A for the argument that I cannot write porn for softness. Also, there is a slap fight scene inspired by a JGL Facebook post, just because.

^~*~^

Title:

WC: 4,565

Summary:

Already, the suppressants were losing effect. Within fifteen minutes, everyone in the office building would be able to smell what Arthur could, suppressants or no.

“We’re leaving,” Arthur swallowed. “Right now.”

Excerpt:

“I keep my weaknesses to myself,” Eames breathed, and Arthur stilled. “I won’t be pushed around, and I won’t be anyone else’s weakness either.”

“Who said anything about you was weak?” Arthur asked, bewildered.

“To be fair, I thought you were lying too,” Eames said, softly. He nearly whimpered with disappointment when Arthur stood up from the bed. At once, Arthur was at his side, his hand gentle against Eames’ face.

“I know,” he whispered. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Eames swallowed. “I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life.”

Commentary: This is an A/B/O fic for people who don’t like A/B/O fics. They are generally not my thing. The idea came to me, and over several weeks I wrote the whole thing out, pieces at a time. This is an A/B/O fic that is *not* about the sex. If you are generally squicked out by these, please consider reading this one anyway. I won’t try this type again, because I feel like I said everything I needed to.

It seems like everyone’s been tagged already, so if you follow me and haven’t done this already, consider yourself tagged! (I’m looking at you @wadebramwilson)

#arthur x eames #dreamhusbands #ao3fic

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 3 years

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Hello, everyone! Happy Taskmaster Day! As I said earlier this week, I unfortunately had to miss the Dropkick Murphy’s second year in a row of livestreaming their St. Patrick’s Day concert, due to having a work meeting last night. However, its video is up on YouTube for me to watch tonight and pretend it’s live instead of a day old. I’m just going to copy-paste the itinerary for tonight that I posted earlier this week, because I’m honestly quite excited for this:

5 PM (my time, EST): The new Taskmaster episode will finish airing (that’s one advantage of being five hours behind the UK) and will hopefully go up on YouTube right away.

5-5:45 PM - Watch Taskmaster. Lee Fucking Mack, let’s fucking go!!

5:45-6:45 PM - Listen to the Taskmaster podcast about the new episode. Probably hear Richard Herring be just as cool and gracious as last time he was on the podcast; feel guilty for how hard I cheered against him in season 10.

6:45-7 PM - Apologize to Richard Herring, either to no one in my empty room or possibly in a semi-eloquent Tumblr post. Explain that normally in any competitive situation I do believe in supporting the person who deserves it most/cares the most/worked the hardest for it, and of course that would be Richard, but unfortunately I lost the will to stick to that principle as soon as Daisy May Cooper beat an Oxford graduate at a word-based task by swearing a lot.

7 PM - Get out beer and whiskey and pull up the day-old stream of the 2021 Dropkick Murphys concert.

It’s been a long few days of work and I am genuinely really excited about this. Like, too excited. It’s been so long since I’ve had things that actually matter to get excited about, and my excitement about tonight is making me remember how it used to feel back when I had actual things to look forward to. But while those are not allowed, this is a pretty good substitute.

I have also declared Taskmaster Day a proper holiday, by which I mean I told my boss I’m not working today.

(I have a job that involves mostly working from home on my own schedule, and there aren’t really built-in breaks, so days off happen when there is nothing time-sensitive happening and therefore I can afford to take a break and then I decide to do that. I worked a lot this week - the amount of work my boss wanted done just did not mesh at all with how often I want to watch QI now that I’m into the Sandi Toksvig era - but I made sure to get all the time-sensitive stuff done by last night so I could take a break today without it messing anything up. So to be clear, I’m not screwing over the people at my job or anything by taking today off. But saying all that doesn’t sound as cool as saying, “I’ve declared Taskmaster Day a proper holiday, and have told my boss I’m not working.”)

Edit: I’ve made a terrible mistake, I’m only 4 hours behind the UK and Taskmaster doesn’t end until 6 PM my time. Which was an annoying thing for me to find out at 5 PM. But it’s fine. I’ll just find ways to entertain myself. And I’ll stay the hell off Tumblr from now (5 PM my time, when Taskmaster actually starts) until I’ve seen the whole episode so I don’t get spoiled.

It’s fine. I can wait one more hour while the people in the UK get to watch it starting now. I have an episode of QI to keep me company. The first appearance of Nish Kumar on there, it’s going to be good.

I really hope it goes up on YouTube right at 6 though. I have a whole plan and everything. I’ve ordered Chinese food.

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raisingsupergirl · 3 years

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I'm Back! Returning to the "Real World" After Six Weeks Unplugged and Undrugged

If I'm being honest, I don't really want to write this post. I don't want to go back to the way things were. It feels like returning from vacation on a Sunday evening and setting my work alarm for Monday morning. I know my next vacation won't come for a while. I know I'm "back in it" now. And the sensation is completely opposite of what I'd expected from all of the "restrictions" I put on myself six weeks ago. But I'm sure you're just dying to know how I did, so here goes.

I failed. A lot. Just like I said I would. And the number one thing I failed at was reading to my kids. I tried it. Once. I started Harry Potter, but it felt like pulling teeth. I didn't enjoy it. The kids didn't enjoy it (even though I poured all of my energy into the BEST character voices). But even if I didn't read to my children, at least I didn't fail completely at reading. In fact, I stayed pretty true to my goal of replacing my weeknight TV with reading (with a subtle exception… but I'll get to that later), and it was honestly one of the biggest successes of all. Just an hour or two of quiet entertainment and contemplation in the evenings (whether with a Bible devotional or a bloody space adventure) did wonders for my mood and sleep habits. And speaking of sleep habits…

I failed at that, too. Again, not completely, but I definitely didn't live up to the whole bargain. I don't care how comfortable I got with going to bed at 9:45 pm and waking up at 5:45 am, when I would get home from work at 9:15 at night, there was no way I was going to have time to eat, shower, and wind down enough to be asleep within thirty minutes. And so, I bent the rules a little. But never more than an hour. And that's where I found my rhythm. I would never go to bed or wake up more than an hour different than I did the day before. That compromise allowed me to adjust slowly to different schedules without suffering too much.

Interestingly enough, the things I succeeded at completely are the things that sound like the biggest commitments. I worked out every day without fail, I didn't get on social media or YouTube, and I cut out all drugs (aka alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, night time snacking, and weekday fast food) cold turkey, right down to my morning pre-workout drink, which has a little caffeine in it. I'm not sure exactly why these things were easier to stick to. I'm sure a part of it has to do with my particular personality, but I suspect the bigger part is the nature of these things. They're easier to define. Easier to grasp and control. So what's the big deal about sleeping in a few extra minutes on the weekends (half-asleep rationale is always a little bit skewed…)? Why should I fight to read to my kids if they don't even enjoy it? But exercise and diet are very external. They're obvious to myself and to others when I screw them up. There's more accountability, so they're not as easy to make excuses for. The hardest promises to keep are the ones nobody knows about.

And… there's a third factor, and I hinted at it earlier. Remember when I said I didn't TECHINCALLY stick to the "no TV during the week" goal? Well, I didn't "watch" TV during the week, per se. But that's because I was playing a video game. A video game called "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild." And, well, I was completely unprepared for it. First, Zelda is my jam. Always has been since I was a wee lad. Like most functioning adults, I fell away from video games after high school because I was trying to make all the monies and didn't have time to spend six hours at a time in front of a screen. But when Santa brought us a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, I knew there was a game I "had" to try. And, well, BotW didn't disappoint. Those who have played Skyrim or other open-world games would have known what they were in for, but I didn't.

The moment I popped open that glider and drifted off of the Great Plateau, the real world faded away. This game had no limits. No boundaries. It's impossible to describe my awe at that slow and continuing realization as I delved into underground temples, climbed distant peaks, and trudged through vast deserts, so I won't try. Those who think video games are "a waste of time" will never get it, and those who embrace the value of story telling already know what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say that I "did the Zelda things." Not all the things, mind you. I didn't find all the koroks, beat all the shrines, or kill all the lynels, but I DID awaken the Divine Beasts, sneak into the castle dungeon to claim the Hylian shield, tame the royal mare, ride all the animals, build Tarry Town from the ground up, and head butt a guardian to death with the Lord of the Mountain. I trudged through every region and stared out at the realm from the highest spire of Hyrule castle. In the end, I defeated Calamity Ganon and brought peace to the land. And in that triumphant moment, I finally realized the truth about the game…

It was just another drug. You see, I never did have a real urge to sit down to a whiskey and a pile of snacks on a Saturday night, even though that had become an engrained habit over the past year. Why? Because I had an entire world to explore and save! And I needed to stay hydrated and healthy to beat the biggest baddies in Hyrule. The game completely overshadowed other primal urges. Any time I was feeling lazy or weak—times when I would look for a quick, mindless reward—I would pick up the Switch controller. And sometimes, that would be during the week. In fact, all told, I played 110 hours over six weeks. That's around two-and-a-half hours a day, EVERY day! So the amount of time I would have generally wasted with social media, TV, or "drugs," I instead committed to Zelda.

In the end, I'm not sure what to think about the whole six-week experience. I do know that I grew closer to God. My thoughts cleared significantly. I experienced deeper and wider peace, seeing previously scary and stressful situations with new clarity and confidence. I loved my family more completely, and I committed harder to my duties (work, family, etc). But I had low moments, too. Not enough to hit rock bottom or consider giving up, but because I knew what it felt like to ride that "high" with my savior and creator, to be present in the moment with a sense of purpose and appreciation, every moment of minor disconnection or apathy hit me harder than it normally would have. So I guess everything is relative. Once we know just how good we can feel, our expectations rise. On the other hand, my perspective has changed regarding rewards and fulfillment. A moment of earned relaxation or celebration doesn't need to include a glass of wine. I don't "need" to stay up late and sleep in on the weekends. And most importantly, my joy comes from God, not from the things I do, but there ARE some things that keep me away from God's joy. Mostly things that become habit—things I fall back on when I want to "check out."

And I guess that's the whole point. When we're present and intentional, life's good. We're happy with our choices and usually with the results. But when we're exhausted, when we've given all we can and think we've earned some reward (or at least a break)… well, that's when we make mistakes. And that's when we should just go to bed. Sure, maybe a little reading to calm us down and get our minds right first, but we're never at our worst than when we're mentally tapped out. And so, I plan to be more aware of this fact through the rest of the year. I'm going to continue to cut out electronics during the week. I'm going to avoid the Facebook scroll (which doesn't appeal to me even a little bit anymore). I'm going to enjoy sunrises and cuddles. And, most importantly, I'm going to create the time and space for quiet thought and divine whispers.

That's my secret to happiness. Do less (especially less "check out" activities like Twitter and television) and think more. Talk less and listen more. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no." In other words, live a life that speaks for itself and don't feel the need to justify your thoughts and actions to everyone. Live lightly, love deeply, and let the rest wash away with the tide. That's all I've got, friends. And you know what? This post was actually a joy to write. I'm excited to be back, to see my friends again, to share what I've learned with you, and to learn FROM you. And most importantly, I’m excited to enjoy all the beauty that the real world has to offer...

#lent 2021 #lent #social media fast #unplugged #take time to unplug #soberissexy #religion #christianity #minimalism #mindfulness #zelda #botw screenshots #botw #momblr #mumblr #dadblr

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carat82 · 4 years

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Each year we the audience are presented with a plethora of shows that hope to secure a faithful audience in hopes of being good enough to be renewed. And each year we fall victim to at least one show that we came to love but sadly did it make the cut to come back the following season( Forever anyone? Timeless?) We are disappointed to say the least and utter a few choice words at the network that shattered our hopes of seeing our characters come back and entertain us for an hour each week.

This year however was different.

The fall of 2018 told us that an adaptation of Jane Austen’s Sanditon would premiere the following year. I was intrigued but at the time went on with my life and forgot about it. Then came the summer of 2019. An ad somewhere popped up about Sanditon. I pulled up the trailer on YouTube and right after sought out how I could stream the show ( I live in the US and really hate waiting months for shows to air here). So by the time I found it the first 3 episodes had aired. Needless to say I was hooked! Every Sunday I anxiously waited until the stream was available around 7ish and let myself escape to the world of Sanditon and all its glory. I watched by myself ( not really the hubby’s cup of tea) wishing my mom lived closer so that we could watch together. I laughed, squeeled, and cheered as the storyline lead us along Charlotte’s journey into Sanditon. At the time I did not have Twitter account but I wanted to see the reaction to the show. So I looked up the official account, waited on baited breath for the teasers that would get released thoughtout the week, and read all the comments from the fans without interacting with anyone. This made it so much more enjoyable as I could “experience” the show with others! So when our hearts were broken with Charlotte on the cliff tops in EP 8, we had each other to rant, rave, and cry to. But also hope. And belief. This was a JA story after all. And Davies had given us outstanding adaptations of not only Austen but Dickens as well( Little Dorrit I’m looking at you!). I mean this was the man that gave us Colon Firth’s Darcy... in a clinging wet shirt no less! So of course he would have to finish the story in a second season. Yes,he gambled but surely the network would NEVER not renew something created by him?! Or leave JA’s unfinished novel, oh I don’t know... UNFINISHED?! I mean that would be network suicide right?! But as time went on and there was no confirmation about a S2 we began to get worried... and then panic set in. And so I felt compelled to create a Twitter account and fight along with the Sanditon Sisterhood, as someone had named them, to convince ITV to renew another season. I have NEVER before felt this compelled to add my voice to a shows renewal. But that just speaks to the fantastic writing of this series. Through this interaction on Twitter and then the Sanditon FB fan page, I learned much more about the show-it’s writers, cast, and crew. The amount of talent that put this production together is truly remarkable! So as days turned into weeks then a month or so I had tweeted and retweeted alongside my sisterhood my thoughts, feelings, and desires to see S2 come to fruition. And then it happened. Our worst fear.

The “announcement” that ITV would not renew for a second season. So again we the audience found ourselves victims of the network and their archaic ways of measuring the success of a series-Viewing numbers on the night the episodes air. Because we the audience watch shows the same way we did 10-20 years ago right?

I clearly remember the nights Alias aired. ( 2001-2005) Mom and I would watch faithfully each week. If the phone rang it was not answered. No-I was watching my Sydney Bristow kick butt and no one was allowed to interrupt that time! And it was on a night I was always home, so no need to record and watch later. But as time went on and our lives began to change,so did how we watch TV. No longer did we need to make sure we were home to watch a show or worry if we forgot to set the timer to record our show, we could stream it later and watch the whole season at once when it was CONVIENTIENT for us! Yay!! I could make entertainment fit my schedule. I could watch when I WANTED to. However like anything that seems to good to be true -there was a catch. Those types of viewing do not count for the network airing your show. Nope. Nada.

While media and streaming platforms keep advancing, we the audience (and our favorite shows) are held to a rule that is no longer applicable. We are punished for not capitulating to a newtworks old fashioned way of measuring the popularity of a show. So YT videos promoting the series, social media interactions, and streaming have no value in the eyes of many networks.

Yet this is exactly how we experience our shows in 2019! Heck we now have the ability to interact with the shows actors and some even reply back ( Jack Fox we love you!❤️). Sadly ITV saw no relevance in this. Only immediate viewing numbers counted. Viewing numbers that were counted against a terrible release date(bank holiday in the UK so many were naturally on holiday.) and a less then stellar promotion of the series. Still many tuned in and fell in love with Sanditon. I could go on and on about the terrific acting of the cast, the original music, character development, cinematography... but that is not the purpose of this blog. It is this-

Let us as the audience tell you by more then one measurement how much we love and support a series. Stop living in the past and embrace a new way! Get in touch with your audience and quit being tone deaf. We are your customers! We are your promoters! Give us the chance to show you our love for your shows! #renewsanditon #sidlotteforever

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euphoria-svt · 5 years

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[1] Introduction

part 1 to idiotsinlove (do let me know what you guys think of this concept!!)

————————————————————

Word count: 1.7k -ish

“Wait,” Connor cuts you off mid-sentence “You want to do a what now?”

“A YouTube channel!” You exclaimed “You know; where we do those couple challenges, vlog exciting things and stuff. Like Jess and Gabriel, remember?”

“Yeah, I know. I always see you watching their videos, honey” He chuckles in reply, slamming his laptop shut “But why do you want to do it?”

You shrugged your shoulders, “I don’t really know why but it just came to my mind and I just thought how cool it would be if we started doing those kinds of things, you know?”

“And we don’t have to post every week if we’re not up for it” You continued “It’s kind of just a fun thing to have now and look back on when we’re old and feeling nostalgic”

Connor furrowed his eyebrows “What makes you think people are going to want to watch us?” He asked.

You rolled your eyes, snickering a little “Babe, do you not realize that you have a fanbase now after that entire tour with Shawn? I’m not surprised that they love you as much as they love him so of course they’d click on any video that involves you”

“Yeah well….” Connor dragged out, reaching for your hand so your fingers were laced together “That doesn’t matter to me because the only person I love is you hooooney”

Shaking your head, you tried to hide your smile but failed “Cheeky” You noted “So, is that a go on the whole YouTube channel thing?”

You saw the smile plastered on his face and even though he hesitated for a moment, you knew he was on board with it.

xxx

“Okay, it’s set” Connor announced as he steps back from the tripod about an hour later since you proposed the idea “Baby, can you turn on the ring light so I can see if the brightness is okay?”

“Yeah, hang on!” You reached for the remote control, pressing the button to turn on the lights “How’s it looking from the camera, bubs?”

Connor takes a look at the little screen on his camera, then nodded “Brightness level looks good from the here so we’re good to go!” He commented.

He walks forward to the set and joins you at the front of the camera, taking his seat at the empty stool next to yours.

“You good?” Connor asks with concern, tilting his head to your direction.

“Yeah I’m all good, bubs” You smiled “Our first video together! This is so exciting!”

“You know I’m barely standing in front of the camera, right?” So, you’re lucky I love you” He said teasingly.

“And I love you moooore!” You chirped, holding the remote control up “Are we good? Can we start?”

Connor nods so you pressed the record button on the remote. When you see the little red light blinking on the camera, it meant the recording has already started.

“Hello and welcome to our channel!” You greeted, although your pitch came out higher than usual and that alone had Connor bursting into laughter.

“What the heck was that, babe?” Connor asks in between laughs “Why’s your voice all high and squeaky?”

“Connor!”

“You sound like a mouse, honey”

You pouted, swatting his shoulder playfully “Stop laughing at me, bubs!” You whined “I’ve never done this before! ‘M just nervous! We’re definitely cutting this out later”

“Oh, no way” He shakes his head, his laughter starts to die down “I’m leaving everything in as bloopers!”

“Okay, okay, this is take 2!”

You clear your throat before opening your mouth to do the greeting once again.

“Hello everyone and welcome to our channel!” You said excitingly with a smile on your face “We’re the idiotsinlove!”

“I thought of the name, by the way!” Connor said proudly as he briefly waved to the camera “It took me forever to come up with it and I take full credit for it”

You turn your head towards him and mockingly said “Yes bubs, the name is very original. Thank you for coming up with it, I don’t know what I’d do without you”

Connor knew you were joking but he smugly said “Your life would be super dull, that’s for sure and you’re welcome, babe”

You rolled your eyes and snickered a little.

“Anyways, I’m y/n y/ln” You said then leaning closer to Connor, wrapping your arms around his neck; pressing your cheek against his “And this guy right here is my lovely boyfriend; Connor Brashier!”

Connor smiles cheekily to the camera and wraps an arm around your waist “Hello there! I should tell you that this is kind of weird for me” He said “I’m so used to standing behind the camera and filming other people instead”

You pulled your arms back but Connor refused to let go of the grip he has around your waist, wanting to keep you close to him, as you spoke “This is our first ever video and we basically wanted to do like a mini introduction about ourselves before posting anything else”

“We’re going to tell you some facts about ourselves and if you’re interested in getting to know us a little better, then please continue watching this video!” Connor said “We’ll love you even more if you stay throughout the entire thing… Ladies first, baby”

“Okay so, I turned 21 in August and I was born and raised in LA. I’m currently in my second year of uni; majoring in Management and Accounting at UCLA… Which is pretty stressful if I’m being completely honest” You told the camera in a disgusted voice “Uni is hell and I completely don’t know why I signed up for it”

“Despite all her complains, my girl is a smart cookie” Connor said proudly “Literally the smartest person I know. She’s thriving in her degree, no kidding”

“Connorrrr” You whined, feeling your cheeks starting to turn rosy-pink “’M not smart, babe”

“Pfft, sure you’re not”

“Anyways, there’s not much interesting things about myself. I bake and cook a little, play the guitar and just bury myself with a lot of books” You continued “Which is basically like any other women, I guess”

“That’s another lie” Connor chirped “She bakes the best cookies I’ve ever tasted and I’m not just saying that because she’s my girlfriend. That’s straight up facts. She baked 2 full containers of them for me when I left for tour then Shawn and Brian stole one of them from me. I was pissed at them for an entire week”

You burst into a laughter, feeling your whole body vibrate as you leaned on Connor’s shoulder for support.

You remembered this day so clearly. He called you on Facetime while you were in the middle of a movie; complaining that the boys took his cookies without asking him. And part of you wanted to feel bad for him but seeing that pout on his face and the tone he was speaking in made you giggle for 5 minutes straight.

“Babe, it’s not funny!” He whined, poking your side playfully “I was really upset! I had to survive with only one container for like 2 months”

Your laughter finally dies down as you wiped a tear from your eye and straighten your body position “Okay and I made it up to you didn’t I, bubs? I welcomed you home with a new batch of it so you gotta stop holding it against them, Con”

“I guess” He grumbled “Can we bake some after this?” He added hopefully.

“Yeah we can make some after this”

“Pinky promise?” Connor held his pinky out to you.

You tried to hide the smile on your face but failed miserably, nodding as you interlocked your pinkies together “Pinky promise, Con”

Your pinkies remained laced together on Connor’s lap, something you two did very often. It was just an intimate affection that grew on you ever since the beginning “Wanna tell the world about yourself now, bubs?”

“Right, well, I turned 20 in July and I was also born and raised in LA. I’ve been surfing since I was a little kid so it’s something I really love to do whenever I’ve got the time and then I got into photography later on when I was about 15-16. I was in UCLA for a bit, majoring in psychology and economics. It only lasted for a few months because then I got an email from Andrew Gertler, which was freakishly cool”

“Apparently Andrew and Shawn had seen some of my work and Shawn wanted to hire me as his videographer” Connor continued “Which was obviously an amazing opportunity to take on”

As Connor was explaining everything, you could hear the excitement lingering in his voice. He was always this way whenever he talks about it because being able to be a videographer for Shawn has been one of the best accomplishments for him so far.

And you loved how excited he gets whenever anyone asks him about it. You’d always be by his side, smiling as you listen to him; you were just so proud of him.

“And I’m so proud of you, bubs” You cooed then looked at the camera “Seriously you guys, check out his work because this man right here does magic with his work. He used to send me little previous of the documentary he filmed and I was always so blown away by them. You’re amazing, babe”

Connor blushed, leaning forward to press a kiss to your cheek “Thanks, baby and thank you for always being my number 1 supporter”

“I’m always your number 1 supporter!” You exclaim “Sorry, you can’t get rid of me any time soon” You added, poking your tongue out at him.

He smiled “Fine by me. I wasn’t planning on doing that”

“I guess this is it for today’s video!” You then said “If you’ve made it this far in this video, thank you for letting us entertain you for the past few minutes”

“And if there’s anything you would like to see us do, leave a comment down below!” Connor added.

“Aw, look at you already being a pro at this whole YouTuber thing, bubs” You said teasingly.

“You know it” He said smugly.

“Thank you and we’ll see you next time on idiotsinlove!”

————————————————————

Reblog, like or leave a comment; always appreciated! ❤️

x rina

TAG LIST:

@hurts-like-hell-xx @connordavidscamera @r3ader @tinycertain @green-lxght @queenmxndes @turtoix

#connor brashier #connor brashier x reader #IIL✨

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bbyboybrock--archived · 5 years

Text

Serendipity (C.B) | Chapter 3

Summary: Serendipity: (n) the chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way

Popular youtuber Isabella Hart, known as Bella to her audience, bends over backwards to separate her youtube life from her private life. Known for her overall clean content and her bubbly attitude, Isabella has a wild side to her that only those inside the youtube community know about. When Bella meets Colby during one of the trap house parties she finally meets someone she can be her genuine self with. When trouble arises after their meeting, will Bella be able to hand the pressure or will she destroy her relationship with Colby as well as herself in the process. [This starts in 2018]

Written: 2019

Word Count: 3,077

Warnings: swearing

Serendipity Masterlist

"I'm about to leave right now. Bye!" I tell Colby before hanging up my phone.

Today was Colby's turn to plan a date. We've got on 4 dates total if you don't count today. So far we've gone to the beach, the aquarium, drive-in movie, and mini golfing. We've gone a date about once a week for the past few weeks. Because we're both busy doing our own things, him exploring and me working on my channel, we spend more time texting or face-timing. I have no idea what we're doing for this date, Colby refuses to tell me. Whatever he has planned requires me to wait with him at his house. He decided to take this time to introduce me to his roommates.

I'm nervous about meeting them and I don't even know why. Maybe it's because they're like his family. From what Colby told me and what I've seen from videos, they're all really close. I'm nervous to the point where I've changed my outfit four times. I finally decided on wearing ripped black jeans and a grey tank top. The only think Colby told me about tonight is that I can dress comfortably. I slip on a pair of black converse and I grab my jean jacket before walking out.

****

When I get to their house I recheck my makeup and make sure my hair is fine. I decided against straightening my hair and just left it in its natural curly state. When I got to the front door and knocked I only waited a few seconds before Colby opened the door. He engulfs me in a hug and lets me in. I've never seen the inside of the house in the day or without it filled with people. It looks better than the night of the party when I first met Colby. We pass by the infamous kitchen and walk into a room with seven people sitting on the couch. I can vaguely recognize all of them but my eyes lock on Brennen. I know that he's friends with Colby but I didn't know that they were close enough to introduce the girl he's talking with to him.

"Hey guys, this is Isabella. Isabella, these are my roommates Corey, Devyn, Jake, Aaron, and Sam. Then there's Sam's girlfriend Kat who doesn't live here and neither does Brennen." Colby introduces me to everyone who was sitting down. I plaster on a fake smile and avoid looking at Brennen.

"Hi, nice to meet all of you. I've heard so much."

"Actually, I need to finish something. I'll leave you guys alone to get to know each other. I promise I'll be back." Colby says before kissing my forehead. He gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before disappearing upstairs.

I find an empty seat near Kat and sit next to her. I watch as Aaron, Corey, and Jake play a game on the tv.

"So Isabella, how did you and Colby meet?" Kat asks. Her body is fully turned towards me. I can feel Brennen's eyes on me.

"We met here actually. I ran into Colby at the party you guys had six weeks ago. I needed a break from dancing and a refill so I made my way to the kitchen and the rest was history."

"Wow, I can't believe Colby got a girlfriend without actually having to leave the house." Jake retorts.

"Oh no, I'm not— We're not dating. We're just hanging out."

"Well, I can tell you that it's a big deal for Colby to bring any girl over to meet us. I can tell you that as his best friend, he keeps his private life very private. I know that there are a few girls that he's talked to in the past that he wouldn't even mention their names." Sam says. I watch as Kat nudges him and gives him a warning sign.

"He did bring some girls over that we couldn't tell if they were dating or not," Corey says without looking away from the screen.

"Okay, that's enough of that. Isabella, you're coming with us. You boys are allowed to join us when you're ready to not say anything that could scare her away." Devyn gets up and leads Kat and me away from this living room to the next.

"So, tell us something that we can't find out about you on the internet?" Kat asks as we sit down on another couch.

"Um... Oh! I'm currently finishing my third year in university right now."

"Really? Wait, how old are you?"

"I'm 18 but I'm turning 19 next month. I was a scholarship kid at a really fancy private high school that had a deal with the university where we could start taking courses when we were freshmen. I also did AP classes during my last two years so I was doing a dual enrollment thing all of high school."

"I feel like that should be on the internet, like you could be a studytuber or something." Devyn states.

"Trust me, there is a lot of things I can do aren't on the internet for the sole reason being that I don't want to seem like I'm bragging or showing off. I also don't want people treating me like this perfect, multitalented person because I'm flawed. We all are, so why should I be elevated above the rest?"

"I get it. But at the same time, you shouldn't hide because you're afraid of the attention or whatever." Kat reasons.

The three of us talk and I feel more comfortable. While we talk and joke around, the boys slowly come in to join us. First Sam and Brennen came in. Luckily for me, I was sat between both of the girls so Brennen couldn't sit next to me. Jake walked in about 5 minutes later and joined us. Corey and Aaron finally join us about 10 minutes after that. Devyn and Kat divert to the conversation and make sure it moves in a way where I'm still in the loop. All my worries about meeting them are gone. I still feel strange with Brennen near me. I'm surprised he hasn't said anything to anyone.

"Hey, Corey, we got to going to make it in time for the movie," Sam says after checking his phone. Devyn, Corey, Sam, and Kat get up and get ready to go.

"It was nice meeting you, Isabella. I hope you stick around." Devyn says before giving me a quick hug.

"Yeah, we need another girl in the group. These idiots are getting out of hand." Kat gives me a hug and then loops hands with Sam.

The four of them leave and I'm left alone with Jake, Aaron, and Brennen. We all talk some more and get to know each other. Jake crack stupid jokes that make Aaron and I die of laughter. I can tell that Brennen wants to talk to me in private but I'm betting on the chance that Jake and Aaron don't leave and Colby comes back before that happens. A few more minutes pass and I see Colby come down the stairs.

"Sorry about that, I didn't think it would take that long. Are you ready?" Colby places his hand out for me to take. I grab his hand and follow him upstairs. He leads me down a familiar hallway. This time there is a ladder in the middle of it.

"Colbs, is the date in your room?"

"We're not doing that again. Trust me." I watch as Colby climbs up the ladder. I slowly start to climb up too. Colby reaches down when I'm almost at the top and helps me up.

I look around the roof and see a picnic set up with a blanket and food. Surrounding the blanket are fairy lights and fake candles. He must have been setting this up while I was downstairs. I can't help but smile at the effort of this date.

"Wow." I look at Colby and see a stupid grin on his face as he admires his work.

"Come on, sit. On the menu, we have pizza, hot wings, and breadsticks. And before you ask, yes, your half is Hawaiian and my half is normal. We got lemonade and we got a mini cookie pie. We also have a mini arts and crafts project because I know you love art. For entertainment, there is a special playlist that I made specifically for tonight."

"I hate to repeat myself but wow. Someone really paid attention during our first four dates. How long did this take you to do?"

"Too long. Anyway, let's eat before the food gets cold."

Colby and I ate nearly all of the food. We spent more time talking than eating. Colby's playlist kept a calming mood for the whole night. Colby pulls out a bag and starts emptying its contents in front of us. He pulls out two canvases, some paint brushes, and paint. He also brings out some water cups and paper towels and plates.

"So I thought it would be fun for us to paint each other's portraits," Colby says as he passes me supplies.

"Colby, not to judge your artistic ability but I feel like I should warn you that I may take offense to how to paint me." I joke.

"Trust me, I'm a great artist Izzy."

"We'll see. How long do we have? I need to know how to approach this."

"Uh... an hour?"

"Perfect."

I start putting paint onto my plate and taking peeks at Colby's face. I pretty much stare at Colby every time we're together. But now I'm taking in his features. The lighting out here doesn't do justice for Colby's eyes. That's where I spend most of my time looking. I can get lost in his eyes. They calm me and make me feel safe.

I paint slowly and fast at the same time. Every time I look over at Colby I see that he has a stupid smirk on his face but his eyes are concentrated. He looks up every few seconds and then goes back to his painting. The timer goes off and Colby and I both drop our brushes at the same time.

"Okay, maybe you should show yours first. Since this little activity was my idea."

"Here goes nothing I guess," I say as I flip over my canvas. Colby doesn't respond at first, which scares me.

"It's amazing, but I think I have you beat." Colby flips over his canvas and I'm confused at first of what is on his canvas.

Instead of the horribly painted version of me that I was expecting there are words. It takes me a few seconds to register that it reads: "Will you be my girlfriend?" I read the painting over and over again to make sure I read it correctly.

"I-I...uh... Colby, before I can answer I feel like we need to talk." I put down my canvas and fiddle with my fingers.

"Go ahead." He pauses the music and places his canvas down.

"I know that we're both social media people and our lives are pretty much out there. But there is still a part of my life that I like to keep private. So if we do this, then I'd want to keep it a secret. Not forever, just for a little while. Maybe for the first year?"

"Isabella, look, I'm asking you to be my girlfriend because over the past five weeks I genuinely like spending time with you. You make me want to be a better version of myself. I learned a lot from you when you took me to the aquarium. When we talk you try to make me see earlier so that I don't feel as bad about waking up so late and missing a lot of the day. Look, I'm asking you to be my girlfriend because I actually want to be with you, not use you for clickbait. I was going to ask if we could keep our relationship private anyway. Not just because I like my privacy, but mostly because I know that some fans are going to be upset and I don't want those negative individuals hurt you."

"Then yes, I'll be your girlfriend. To be honest, I've been feeling the same way but I didn't know how to go about it."

"Glad to know that we were on the same page. I was actually so scared. Everyone really likes you so I was trying not to screw up."

"So that's why the ambush; it all makes sense. It's kind of like when they throw babies in pools and have them hope for the best. Anyway, I have one question."

"Shoot."

"How do we relationship? Like how does this all work?" Colby knows that I've never dated anyone before so being in this situation leaves me so many questions. Colby chuckles at my question.

"Well for starters, we can spend more time together. You know, instead of one a week maybe two to three times? The rest we figure out as we go along."

"I can do that. Sorry for being such a dork. This is all new to me."

"Don't worry, I'm used to dorks. I live with a lot of them."

"Is this why you had me spend time with your roommates and Brennen? To see if I'm like friend compatible?" I lie down on the blanket and look at the dark sky. The downside of living in the city is the inability to see the stars. You're lucky is you can see a few dots.

"Yeah. I have a lot of friends but that group I know for sure that they're actually my friends. I'm not sure about everyone else. You get it, right?" Colby joins me in laying down. He laced our hands together.

"Oh definitely. I just found it easier to keep my circle very small. You know, only me. Well, you're in my circle too now." I turn my head and see that Colby is looking at me already.

"Well, I'm honored to be in that circle."

For the rest of the night, Colby and I spend time talking more about our relationship. Rules on what types of pranks we can't do on each other and how we are going to navigate in public if we encounter fans. We also talk about how if we hang out here at the house we have to be careful in case someone is doing some sort of social media thing. We figured out how to work around our busy schedules. We decided on one big date every week, a day where we work on either editing our videos or I do homework while Colby edits his videos, and a random day to do whatever.

Colby also added me to a group chat that has his friends in it so we can all get to know each other more. We explained that we're dating and the whole privacy thing. My fans probably won't care if they knew that I was dating someone. That probably has to do with the fact that I don't even mention anything about crushes on my platform. However, if someone even mentions Colby and the word girlfriend in the same context some of his fans will start digging and may figure it out. I think Colby is more scared than I am about the negative fans finding out than I am. I'm petrified because I know I'll get hate comments but I've never gotten hate comments like the ones I've seen posted under anything where Colby is with another girl. The hate comments seem like nothing compared to the one on his stuff. I know Colby's mention either not being friends with some of those girls or having to keep their friendship a secret because of some comments. I can't imagine how scared he is.

****

I went home maybe an hour after our date had ended. I helped Colby take down everything on the roof that way he could go to sleep sooner. When I got home I participated in the group chat a bit. Before hopping into the shower I sent a message asking for everyone to comment their names so I could add them to my contact list. When I got out I made sure that my backpack was ready for class the next day. I flop into bed and check my messages and see that everyone is talking about going to the beach on Saturday. I text them back telling them that I could go. I go up further and add everyone one to my contacts. While going through everyone in the group chat I realized that Brennen was also in it. I never wanted Brennen to have my number but now its too late. After adding the contacts I text Colby good night and that he should go to sleep too. When I'm about to close the messages app I see that I have a text from Brennen.

Brennen: So... that's why you've been avoiding me? I don't get it, u been involved with other guys while we still did our thing.

Me: I've been avoiding you because you have a girlfriend and you didn't tell me after months of us hooking up prior. I'm not going to ruin someone's relationship. And you shouldn't compare me talking to Colby, a guy I actually like, with guys I would hook up with while drunk at parties. Plus, you and I never were never a thing. You wanted to get laid and I wanted to get drunk without the risk of my fake id being inspected.

Brennen: What if I broke up with Kyra? I don't even like her that much. It's not the same anyway, you're way better than she is.

Me: You idiot. You know that Colby and I are dating, you're in the group chat.

Brennen: What Colby doesn't know won't hurt him. Same goes for Kyra, but if you need her to be out of the picture to be comfortable than she's gone.

Me: You're disgusting

Brennen: C'mon Jizzy, I need you right now. Just come over for old time's sake

Brennen sent an unsolicited dick pic with his last text. I quickly delete it not wanting to have it on my phone.

Me: Send me another dick pic and I swear I'll block you AND tell Colby. Fuck off Brennen and leave me alone.

#colby #colby brock #colby fanfic #colby brock fanfic #colby fan fic #colby brock fan fic #colby fanfiction #colby brock fanfiction #colby fan fiction #colby brock fan fiction

24 notes · View notes

thefloatingstone · 5 years

Note

I really like your blog! I specifically like the stuff you reblog because it's so in tune with my interests that I can browse for hours while forgetting that this is in fact NOT my dashboard! I hope you're feeling better and talking to someone.

Thank you very very much, Anon! That’s really flattering, and I’m really glad you find my blog so enjoyable. Sometimes I worry I reblog too much and that people may only be following me for my art and become disappointed by my blog as a whole. So it’s really nice to hear.

It’s been a couple of weeks, so I am feeling better, thank you. And I am talking to somebody, I promise

Thank you, anon

It’s really rough, I won’t lie. And it’s been rough for a very long time. But I do hear you on the “it’s impossible to NOT find somebody who’ll click with me.” But I do sometimes fall into the thinking of “how is it possible that there are 7 billion people out there and I seem to struggle in finding anyone irl to even have a conversation with.” But that’s a thought pattern I don’t really want to entertain right now.

Also, it sounds weird to say, but thank you for saying it’ll get worse before it gets better. Because that kinda.... makes it feel more real, you know? It’s way too easy for my brain to just think nice things people say are “empty platitudes”. So when something feels a little more down to earth, it hits me a little harder. So thank you.

Thank you so much @under-the-dragonz-tail. Things are better now. At least for right now. But thank you for sticking with me while I was in a really bad place, and for reach out.

Thank you Anon.

thank you

Thank you @nina-thegamergirl And thank you for the good vibes and sending me some kind words. Nothing has changed yet, but I’m hanging in there a little better now. Thank you for messaging me and making me feel less alone and isolated

@torrikor We may not talk a lot but I still consider you a friend

This legit made me crack a tiny little bit the first time I read it.

Thank you Anon

Thank you @vass-junk It’s really difficult to try and fight feelings when they punch down that hard, but things are better now, at least for now. And thank you for caring about me, even if just in a tumblr fandom sense.

Thank you so much @sin-cognito Things are better now.

While I was trapped in a pit of depression and literally could not keep up with tumblr and did nothing but stare at youtube for 2 days straight, I couldn’t remember who said these things, but somewhere in that pit my brain was clinging onto the things you mentioned, specifically “nobody can predict what tomorrow brings” and how you pointed out that all my negative thoughts all started with “I feel”. So while in that terrible mindset, those two things really hit me and gave me some sort of grounding, and I remembered them clearly despite the rest of those 2 days being kind of a blur.

So I sincerely want to thank you very much for that. It definitely helped, probably more than you realise even after hearing me trying to explain it.

Thank you for being there, and for sending me this message, and for looking out for me and showing me that in whatever way, I’m not completely and utterly alone, even if I am all by myself.

oof. I know that feel. That’s been happening a lot lately.

Thank you @readingatdawn7. And thank you for writing something even after tumblr tried to sabotage you! The move was really hard coming off the back of a year of really hard things. I’m still not sure if it will be alright in this town, but I’ve been making plans and taking steps to change things and I hope they can come to fruition soon.

@legademacinderheart It’s more than just consolation, believe me. And even if online connects can’t replace ones in real life, they do a TOn just to let me know there ARE people out there who actually exist in real life who actually do care, even if just through fandom or because I can draw.

I don’t think I fully realise how lucky I am to have that, and how much worse it could have been if I didn’t.

@xxtc-96xx Thanks TC!

Thank you @itmestine and honestly? Even if it took a year and a half, it’s somehow comforting to hear it happened at all. I still don’t know if it’s even possible for me to find some form of irl friendship here, but I am trying. It’s difficult, but I’m making an effort not to spend all of my time in my room working. Even if it’s just driving to the mall to get groceries or going to a favourite place to eat. I am making a large effort not to just sit by myself all the time.

Somebody suggested getting into a DnD game which can be a good way to meet people. But I haven’t tried it yet. I’m concerned about asking on the town’s facebook page because I’m worried I’ll get marked as some sort of “““satanist”““ for wanting to play DnD. But I’m also worried about starting my own game and inviting people to it because I don’t know how to DM and I feel I’m too awkward and shy to be the person heading a game.

I’m going off topic now though. Thank you for sharing with me. It does give me a little bit of hope.

@54viruses Have I told you how jazzed I am that you’re on tumblr now? Because I am really REALLY jazzed to see you on tumblr!! I was REALLY happy and excited when I saw your avatar pop up on my notifs here! And I’m super happy to see you around

And thank you so much man. And I legit can’t even believe you remember the mayo rice balls. Holy shit.

(I still love them)

@sketchehkimmeh Honestly? that whole “go to a coffee shop” thing just to be around people even if not directly interacting is a really good idea. A coffee shop I really like is moving to the mall around the corner from me, and I’m hoping once they open I can start spending a lot of time there, if only to write fanfics or something. (I’m hoping a change in environment might help the writing thing)

And don’t worry, I am seeing a therapist and he’s helping me with stress management and anxiety problems. He can’t really help me meet other people, but it’s at least one extra person I can speak to.

Thank you for sending me some words of encouragement.

And thank you to everyone else as well. I know I’ve had bad spots in the past before, but this was.... probably the worst I’ve had. I certainly can’t remember being that low before. I’ve never reached a point where I literally shut down and couldn’t do anything but watch youtube while lying in bed for 2 days straight.

Your messages did help though. I read them on my phone as I was notified of them, even though I didn’t have the energy to scroll through tumblr. I don’t know if I fall into that headspace again if I feel they’d be as effective as I do re-reading them while I’m feeling better, but I remember in my fugue state that your words and messages and just the very very simple fact that people cared enough to SAY things to me helped an enormous deal, even if it just meant it chased away dark thoughts and the adrenaline pumping through me for 5 minutes, it was 5 minutes feeling better than I had been previously.

So that you again. I’m sorry I took so long to respond. I was in no condition to do so when you guys sent these, and when I started feeling better I just wanted to ignore those feelings and try get back to normal again.

But thank you.

#C-Puff answers #long post #Anonymous

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kainfamilyfortune · 5 years

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Today is the start of something new. And I’m terrified.

OOC, obviously, I know this is far from what I normally post on here, but I figured I’d let any that are interested in on a secret project I’ve been working on between managing a million dollar company, RP engagements, and supporting my lovely wife who is exploding in the book critic space - something I’ve been working on over the last four weeks. I entered a contest.

TW: Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Depression, Suicide, Addiction.

So I wanted to go back to tell you a little bit about myself. I’m a bit of a jack of all trades, I’ve dabbled in many, many things over the years, one thing I fell in love with was photography due to an old relationship, of course. But truly I fell in love that day, with her perspective, her eye, and how I could use photography to tell a story. I wanted to be profound. So I picked up my Canon A-1, yes I shot film, and shot photos in strictly black and white for a year. They say that color captures the moment, but B&W captures the soul, and I honestly believed that. Still do. But eventually when I moved 3,000 miles away from her and we couldn’t make things work I dove into a severe depression. I was young, freshly 16, and the beginnings of anxiety began to creep and creep throughout that last year before the move.

Oregon is beautiful, but it wasn’t Florida - we moved at an inopportune time in my life, as all teenagers believe. Just before summer vacation. I shut myself in my room for nearly four months, becoming severely agoraphobic, I was not taking the move lightly. I had no friends, no entertainment since the main reason we moved was due to my parents going bankrupt, both loosing their 6-figure jobs. My parents divorced five months after moving. A blessing and a curse was we did not move up to Oregon alone. No, my parents were swingers, so they often swapped partners as I grew up, having to basically raise my younger brother, shielding him from that truth. I kept their secret even after they divorced. My brother only just found out after turning 21, after moving in with my mother and stepfather, back in sunny Florida.

But what kept me from ending it all? Xanax and Photography.

I had a passion and I was getting better and better. I began to dabble in stop-motion film, fine-art photography, eventually when I went to a new school, a charter school up in the woods of Culp-Creek, I began to dive deeper and deeper into making it my career. My junior year I was making documentaries, winning mayor’s art shows, and even selling my work in the local art-walks in the small town that we had moved to. But I was still an anxious mess. Still suffering from panic attacks. Eventually I didn’t want to go to the charter school anymore. Partly because my favorite teacher was leaving and also because the bus ride was killing me. Nearly an hour everyday, forced to sit still and not panic.

So, I transferred to the local public school for my senior year. I was ahead of all my credits. Nearly a straight-A student. I smoked cigarettes. I frequented the school counselor due to my panic attacks and all my teachers knew. But I took my work out into the hall to work on it, listening in. I didn’t have first or seventh period since I was ahead of my credits. I devoted time to being a teacher’s assistant and helping teach the videography course that was supported at the school. I worked at McDonald's as well and earned enough money to move out on my own after the second trimester and to upgrade all of my photography/video equipment.

My senior project was a 25-minute documentary on mental-health and how art could be used as therapy, it won a few awards and got stellar marks on the board, but most of all it got recognition from the local news. I got picked up right after graduation by a media company in the next town up from where we were living. I also wanted to go to college and get my degree. I was the first to move out from my graduating class. Three days after. I worked for the media company, then the local news for one year. I dropped out of school my first term. I didn’t need school. I started vaping to quit smoking. I was still abusing Xanax though, I was up to 5MG every three hours to feel like I was still alive.

Then I started to work for a local vape shop on the side. Quit my news network job due to stress, and worked for a smaller media company making a weekly show. Eventually another year and a half had passed and I had a psychotic breakdown. The Xanax had stopped working. I lost insurance so I couldn’t get anymore, and I was loosing my jobs. My life’s work. I stopped photography that day.

I moved into a trailer for two months. I worked at a pizza hut, managing that place for a year as I became sober. I still vaped because it surrounded me with an amazing community of people who were in recovery. I had moved out of the trailer and in with an old friend. In that time frame I turned 21. I partied for one week and haven’t partied since. I told myself that sobriety is only thing that is going to keep me grounded. I helped a few friends start media companies, and vape shops and car dealerships, helping them with marketing, commercials, all that jazz. Hell, I even worked front counter for them when they needed it. Eventually I wanted to work for another vape shop, so I hit up a few friends and got into the biggest in the pacific northwest as a partner. I’ve been working here for the last 3 1/2 years. Managing one of their locations for nearly two.

So. I turn 25 this year. I’m sober. I got married last year. And my mental health is considerably better than what it was in year’s past. Why am I terrified?

Well. If you can see from the picture, I built a set. I was watching my daily World of Warcraft videos and this video came up in my news feed from one of my favorite channels, WTBGold. He is announcing a contest and I think nothing of it for the first two weeks. Then I had an idea. What if I make a ‘How-to RP’ video from the perspective of someone who plays a fuck-ton of D&D, and RPG’s. And I had six days left in the contest to write a script, film a video, and edit it all together.

youtube

I made this in a feverish 9 1/2 hours worth of work on top of my already crazy schedule. So I don’t look at the camera a whole lot and I’m currently re-filming the entire thing with the new set. But I submitted it. And it was watched live on his stream for a bunch of people to watch and judge.

It was received very well. I don’t think I will win the contest though. The last two weeks have been tense since he has yet to release his winner. But initially from the strawpoll on stream I had won the RP category so hopefully it means I can still make viable content since it has been awhile and I’m rusty. I’m diving into this project head-first to make YouTube content, twice a week on top of everything I have going on, because dammit. I want to make something for myself again.

I want to be passionate again.

If you care to follow me on this journey: KainFamilyFortune <-- Content will be up later this week once I finish editing it since I filmed it this morning.

If you made it through this rant, thank you. I know this is a lot different than what I usually produce, and I promise I’m still working on Thea’s perspective to the Battle of Dazar’alor. Combat is not my strong suit.

Thank you, thank you , thank you , k bye, back to editing <3

#ooc #me

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inmylivingroom · 5 years

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How I passed NCLEX RN 2018

Little background about myself: I am not the brightest student in college. In fact, I consider myself below average, at least my performance was. My friends know how I was in college, I’m that student who acts “too cool for school”, someone who would rather be somewhere else than a classroom. I blame it on my rebellious side who can’t get over my parent’s choice to get me to nursing school. Obviously nursing wasn’t my first choice in college, but nursing grew on me and found myself loving it. When I had to take the boards in my home country, I knew I had to get my shit together. I passed the boards in the Philippines in 2012.

Fast forward to 2018, after a long wait for California BON I finally got my ‘Authorization to Test’ for NCLEX in Maryland. The problem now is how to access all that knowledge from nursing school like I just graduated few days ago. I almost gave up but I know somewhere in my subconscious there lies all my nursing knowledge, trapped inside an iceberg. It’s all a matter of tapping into it again.

So first thing I did is ask my friend google, “long time out of school review refresh for nclex rn” (excuse my accent). I have found a lot of forums in allnurses.com, youtube, and etc. One thing that stood out is Rachel Allen review. They have a 35-Day BOOTCAMP for nurses who have been out of school for awhile or for nurses who have failed the NCLEX a couple of times. It was highly recommended and I thought this is what I needed. But the price was a too much for me. $2500. If I have the money, why not? I believe it is worth it, but my wallet thinks otherwise. Scrolled down and saw that they have a 10 day review for $600, it has a faster pace but still guarantees that it will help you pass. I went and book their 10 DAY REVIEW, which is actually 2 weeks review.

I know that 10 DAY review won’t be enough to refresh and instill nursing knowledge in me, so I planned on self reviewing before my Rachell Allen review.. and also work for my airline at the same time.

I started with HURST

I answered their pretest, and made a study plan from that pre-test. Take note of that. a study plan is really important. you may not completely follow it but it will be your reminder and your guide. on days that i felt overwhelmed, i look at my study guide and just push through. somehow it relieves my anxiety. also make a checklist!

Hurst videos are more entertaining and informative than Kaplan, in my opinion. I watched their videos on my layovers and finished their quizzes. I reserved their comprehensive test 3 weeks prior to my NCLEX.

Just a little note: I find that their test questions are average compared to UWorld and Kaplan. Also information about their “Elevate” option, extra quizzes and videos but you are not missing out if you don’t purchase this.

Along with that, I purchased UWorld, La Charity’s PDA book, Saunder’s, and Hogan (as review reference instead of going to my MedSurg book). I used those interchangeably. I did a couple of quizzes on my Saunders and Hogan but did not bother to finish the whole book, I only finished their comprehensive exam at the back of the book and online.

When I am on a layover, I would wake up early, work out, answer questions on UWorld, listen to my Hurst Videos, read rationales on my downtime on the plane. On days that I don’t work, I try to answer questions all day. My breaks are spent watching NCLEX videos. On days that I feel burnt out, I sleep like a slacker, I cry to help with my anxiety (NO SHAME HERE), I read other forums so I don’t feel alone in the NCLEX battle, I do yoga, I cook for no reason but tried eating healthy, basically do everything that would relax me and help me get a grip. It does help. I try to follow my schedule, the keyword there is try because I can’t always follow it. You make adjustments along the way and that is alright. Important thing is to keep your eye on the price, RN license.

Time came for my Rachell Allen review. They had couple of exercises few days before we started the review which I find that really helpful in preparing me. The LIVE review was really good. One of the best decisions I made. The review also enabled me to get in touch with other NCLEX test takers. I can elaborate the review in a separate post. At the end they will tell you if you are prepared to take the NCLEX or not.

After my Rachell Allen review, I went back to my old schedule but only more intense this time. Meaning more test questions. I finished the PDA book, I finished UWorld, and all the Comprehensive test on my reference books. I purchased the Kaplan CAT Simulator for $99 at the end. Then I took my NCLEX.

My NCLEX test didn’t stop at 75 questions, and that scared and frustrated me. But it did stop at 100. I was shocked when it did cause I was prepared to answer 265 question when I went past 85 but thank God it did. I was really happy it stopped at 100. All I can remember is I have more than 15 SATA, couple of prioritization questions (thanks to La Charity), 2 Pharmacalogy questions which was both related to furosemide, and I don’t know the rest. Every time I see SATA, I get a mini heart attack.

After a few hours I saw my name on the board of nursing site. I passed my NCLEX! And if I can pass it, someone who was a rebel in nursing school, been out of school loooooong time ago, and was working while reviewing... then you can pass too!

#NCLEX RN #PASS NCLEX RN #RN #INTERNATIONAL STUDENT #NCLEX REVIEW TIPS

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maybeformepersonally · 5 years

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Fic: Coincidences mean you're on the right path

Title: Coincidences mean you're on the right path Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: G / General Audiences Summary: Dan had been watching Amazingphil since he was a teenager. He never thought they would actually meet, of course, and so he is understandably surprised when Phil walks into the room. Word Count: 4055 Author’s Note: Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Bingo, for the square “Fandom AU”. This is a canon divergence AU where they never met in 2009, and Dan never started making videos or became an internet cult leader. Now, it’s 2018 and they unexpectedly cross paths. Read on AO3

Dan’s had a stressful day at work, to say the least. This, coupled with staying up much later than he should have last night for an impromptu, ill-advised Netflix marathon is almost enough to tempt him into skipping the gym for the day. Almost, but not quite, as he knows he’ll struggle to fall asleep if he doesn’t tire himself out. It’s for a noble cause, he tells himself, and drags himself there, albeit grudgingly.

He’s in a mood today. It’s the only reason why he’s dragging his feet, really. He knows he’ll get into it as soon as he starts, that’s what always happens. And he understands how crucial exercise is for his mental health. It really has helped a lot since he’d taken it up two years ago. He allows himself a pout and some internal grumbling about it anyway.

Well, as it turns out, he will never be so grateful for his hard-earned discipline, for if he had caved to temptation, he would have missed out.

He’s quite at home in the machine room, doing his own thing with headphones on, as usual, jogging on the treadmill, when none other than Phil Lester, a.k.a. Amazingphil, a.k.a. the star of an embarrassingly large amount of Dan’s teenage fantasies (and also an occasional star of a few current ones), struts into the machine room and sits down on the fucking Leg Press Machine directly in Dan’s line of sight.

Dan barely avoids faceplanting on the treadmill in shock.

The next thirty minutes are a test to his already frayed nerves that Dan wouldn’t have expected to pass, but somehow he managed to play it cool and he doesn’t stare too obviously (he hopes) nor does he make a complete fool of himself in front of his kind-of-celebrity crush (he thinks), dealing a fatal blow to his self-esteem and ruining one of his favourite places to unwind in one fell swoop.

They’re both wearing headphones, and he’s still starstruck and a bit shocked that Amazingphil of all people just walked into his regular gym in a tight green t-shirt that brings out his eyes and tight black shorts that bring out… other assets, so he doesn’t even try to strike up a conversation. He’s too nervous, anyway, he’d probably embarrass himself, and then he’d be out of a gym because there is no way he’d come back here if that were to happen. He doesn’t want to have to scope out gyms again, that way lies madness.

So Dan finishes his set, grabs his things, and he nods to Amazingphil as he leaves. And he doesn’t go hide in the bathroom for a little freak out; he can freak out at home, like a functional adult.

Now, Dan isn’t the huge fan of youtube he used to be when he was a teenager, but he still follows a few channels religiously. Amazingphil and PhilGAMES are the only ones he has the notifications on for, because he may be a grown man and a professional these days, but Phil still holds a special place in his heart. (So what if he never got over his teenage crush, have you seen Phil’s smile? He’s only human, and there’s nothing wrong with a harmless crush on an unattainable sort-of-celebrity. Sue him.)

***

Phil came out officially a few years ago, but it’s been pretty obvious that he was bi from way back on his early days of youtube, so when he tries going to the gym and decides to make a video about what a disaster it was, he doesn’t think twice about going on a rant in the video about how as he was leaving, he saw the most gorgeous man working out and he may or may not have decided to get some exercise on the machines instead of running away because he wanted to stare at this earthly Adonis for a little while.

“And that’s the story of how I went to the gym, almost died because I was too socially anxious to tell the instructor the workout was too intense for me, went to hide in the bathroom to catch my breath for 15 minutes, then went to run away without saying goodbye, saw the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on and felt compelled to man up, go back to tell Leon that it wasn’t working out for me and that I’d like to try the machines so that I could go at my own pace, then embarrassed myself by being the most unfit person in Britain in front of a fitness god with the face of an angel. But hey, I least I got some exercise in! Also, I may be going again just to see if I run into him again. Not to talk to him, or ask him out, I just want to bask in his beauty. What’s the bi equivalent of a useless lesbian? Because that’s me. Oh, I know! A disaster bi. I’m pretty sure I’ve read that somewhere,” he ends with a laugh.

“That’s not creepy, right? Is that creepy?” he asks PJ later. PJ laughs at him, but reassures him that so long as he’s respectful and doesn’t stalk this guy or something, it’s fine. And really, Phil probably couldn’t be a creep if he tried. He’s too polite, and also too good a person to actually put his own selfish desires above someone else’s comfort.

Slightly reassured, Phil goes back to the gym again to try his luck. He wasn’t completely serious in his video, he’s not going to keep going to the gym to stare longingly at this guy. He’s hoping to talk to him at some point, feel him out (metaphorically!) to see if he may be interested. He’s not going to just ask him out out of nowhere, but maybe, if he seems like he might be receptive to it…

***

Dan does have a little freakout as he goes back home, but then life goes on, and he doesn’t see Phil again in the gym for the rest of the week. He figures it’s probably a fluke. Phil has mentioned repeatedly in his videos that’s he’s terribly unfit and that he doesn’t enjoy working out at all, though he’s tried a few times to get into the swing of it. That’s probably what happened, he’s tried it again (it isn’t lost on Dan that it’s the middle of January, and Phil has joked that getting fit is always one of his New Year’s resolutions), but he’ll probably get bored soon.

The big freakout comes four days after, when he gets a notification that Amazingphil has uploaded a video called “Why I should probably not go back to the gym… but will anyway”. He’s glad he waits until he’s home to watch it, because whatever he was expecting (oh god, will he mention the awkward nerd who almost fell off the treadmill when he walked in and kept sneaking looks at him? Shit, did I make him uncomfortable?), it was not this.

Phil wasn’t even going to try the machines? He was walking past and saw Dan and stayed to stare at him?? He thought Dan was attractive? Very attractive even? He was thinking of coming back to stare at Dan some more?? Was this even real? Was he just building up a story to make an entertaining video? What was going on? Was this real life? Oh god, he actually goes on a minute-long rant about how gorgeous Dan is and he might have to go scream on a pillow, what is his life. Dan had looked in the mirror when he went home after the awkward gym kind-of-encounter that day; he’d finished an hour long session of exercise and he’d looked it. He was tired and sweaty and he’d worn his too big grey exercise t-shirt that day. He’d looked like the exhausted, emo-adjacent, sweaty rat that he was, what was Phil talking about?

***

The next time, Phil tries talking to him. Nothing too ambitious, just some small talk.

He takes his chance when the man stops the machine he’s on and steps away, pulling his headphones off and into his backpack.

“Hey, um, hi,” Phil says and gives a little wave. “Sorry to bother you, I just signed in last week and I was wondering if you’ve been coming here for long?”

The man looks a bit surprised, but not bothered, to Phil’s relief.

“Oh, hi. Yeah, a bit over a year?” His phone beeps and he looks at it distractedly, but he keeps talking. “Since I moved in to London, really.” He puts his phone back and turns his attention to Phil again. Phil beams at him.

“Oh, that’s great!” he maybe sounds a bit too excited about that, but he’s a bit nervous and he’s glad the guy is volunteering information and seems to be okay talking to him. “I don’t know much about gyms, or exercise, as you can see,” Phil joked, waving his right arm to encompass himself, illustrating his unfit condition, “so I thought I’d ask someone for… suggestions, I guess? If that’s okay”.

The man looks surprised again for a second, but then he looks him up and down appreciatively and once he’s made it all the way up to Phil’s eyes again, he declares, “I don’t know that you need any. I think you look great”.

Phil is startled into a quiet laugh and he can feel the blush on his face, but he can’t be too bothered given the current situation.

“I’m Dan,” the man smiles at him, and Phil suddenly feels like a deer in the headlights. Oh god, he has dimples. The humanity. He’s actually a thousand times more attractive when he smiles, how? Phil has the urge to do something stupid. He powers through it, but he’s taken a critical hit, and he probably comes off as extremely weird through the rest of the short conversation. Not that he isn’t weird. He’s made a whole series of youtube videos about it. It’s part of his core branding.

“I’d be happy to give you some tips, or whatever it is you’re looking for,” Dan starts, then his phone beeps again, and he interrupts whatever he was going to say to check it, again, then sighs. “Sorry, I’d love to help you out right now, but I really need to go… deal with this client.” His phone makes another, different sound, and Phil can see Dan isn’t happy about it, but then he shoves the phone away and when he turns to Phil again, he has a small, shy-looking smile on his face. Phil is a goner.

“If you want... I come here every day from six to seven or so, except Sundays. If you come around that time, I’d be happy to help you?” The words lift into a question, into an invitation that Phil can take or leave.

Phil recognises that it’s a very open invitation. If he actually wants help and nothing else, Dan would probably indulge him. If Phil was uncomfortable and didn’t want to run into him again, he now knows what time Dan comes and can plan around it to avoid him. And if he wants something else, like, say, misuse his gym membership card to come flirt with a gorgeous guy he met in the machine room…

Dan is picking up his stuff, conspicuously giving him some breathing room, and Phil realises he might have come off as uninterested, which is the opposite of what he wants to do now that Dan’s flirted with him first, so he smiles and brings out the bedroom eyes.

“That’d be brilliant. I’ll definitely take you up on that.”

Phil’s gratified to see Dan looks affected, if the searing look he throws his way is any indication, but after a few seconds, his phone beeps again and he’s moving to leave.

“Good,” he says, his slightly crooked smile giving Phil ample incentive to stick to his New Year’s resolution for once. “I’ll see you around, then”.

Now, because Phil is a useless bisexual, it is only at this point that he realises he’s never offered his name, and Dan is turning to leave, so he blurts it out.

“My name’s Phil, by the way!”

Dan stops, turns back to him and gives him another one of those devastating smiles, the kind that brings out his dimples, and Phil may be swooning.

“Phil,” Dan says, less as if he’s trying out the word and more as if he’s relishing in it. “I look forward to seeing you again”. The he turns and actually leaves.

Phil is left alone in the machine room, staring at the door Dan left through and smiling like a lunatic for the next couple of minutes.

***

“Okay, I have a confession to make,” Dan starts before they even open the menus.

“Okay?”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way. I just… feel like I need to tell you this if we’re actually going to do this.”

Okay, now Phil is a little worried, but he’s open to hear Dan out on whatever it is. He really likes Dan an unreasonable amount for how recently they’ve met and how little time they’ve spent together. He’d like to think he’s an open-minded person, and so he quickly decides that he’ll be kind no matter what it is that’s making Dan look this nervous.

“Okay. I’m listening.” Phil wants to hold Dan’s hand to maybe put him at ease, but he’s not sure if that would help or make things worse, so he refrains.

“Right. Okay.” Dan takes a deep breath. ”Um. Okay. I… knew your name. That day we talked for the first time. And the time before that, really, when I first saw you in the gym.”

“Okay?” He doesn’t know what Dan is hinting at.

“I know who you are, I mean. I’ve known who you are since 2006, when I first became obsessed with Youtube.”

Oh.

“Oh.” Phil wasn’t expecting that, but he’s not sure why something like that would make Dan this nervous, so he figures there’s more. When Dan doesn’t elaborate, but rather keeps looking at him in silence, Phil tries to break the ice. “So, you used to watch my videos?”

Dan relaxes a little as Phil smiles at him. “Yeah. I was a huge fan, actually.” He still looks nervous, so Phil decides to throw caution to the wind and move to hold his hand anyway. When he reaches out and threads their fingers together over the table, Dan gives him a questioning look, but he doesn’t move away. Instead, he moves his thumb to gently rub Phil’s hand, and manages a shaky smile.

Did he think Phil was going to be upset that Dan liked his videos as a teenager? Or that Phil maybe wouldn’t want to date someone who used to be a viewer? That was crazy. This was actually great, as it meant Dan had to have some idea of what he was getting into, dating a youtuber. It also meant Phil wouldn’t have to explain Youtube to him, or his nosey audience, or why there was a good chance their dates would be interrupted by people asking for a picture with him. The only reason Phil had chosen this restaurant for their first proper date (flirting at the gym didn’t count as proper dates) and had gone for a private room was so that he could get the explanation out of the way before that happened.

“I don’t mind, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he reassures Dan. “That’s actually really flattering. Though I wonder what I did to lose you as a viewer,” Phil jokes.

Dan winces and says. “You didn’t.”

Now Phil’s eyebrows shoot up, but he still doesn’t pull his hand away. It gives Dan the strength he couldn’t seem to gather before.

“I started watching you early on, and watched you all through college. I used to watch a lot of youtube then. I gradually stopped watching Youtube as a whole when I graduated and got a job, as a result of a mixture of lack of time and waning interest, but there’s a few channels I still check out every once in a while. Yours is among them.”

Phil squeezes his hand reassuringly, and grins. “Do you follow my social media accounts?”

“Um. Yeah. Instagram.”

Phil grinned warmly, “Really? So you like looking at me. Good to know.”

Dan made an embarrassed little noise of protest, but he couldn’t really argue. “You’re nice to look at.” He was blushing a little, but he was also looking him in the eye now, shy but determined. Phil got distracted by the little rosy patch that formed right over his jaw.

“Do you follow me on twitter? Or on Tumblr? Do you troll the IDB forums?” Phil is full on teasing him now. It seems highly unlikely that Dan is one of his most invested fans; in fact, the idea is kind of hilarious. And also kind of hot. He might revisit that idea later. In private.

Dan laughs, “No, and no, and I don’t even know what that last one is, do I want to know?”

“It’s a fan forum. It’s… very comprehensive. There’s a lot of information and speculation going on there. You know, actual fandom stuff.”

Dan scoffs at that, but he’s still smiling, so Phil counts it as a win. “I’m not in the fandom. Ha, I wouldn’t have even had the time for it until recently, with the way I let work take over my life. Just… you know. I watch your videos.”

“And you follow my Insta,” Phil reminded him.

“Okay, that too.”

“Is that why you watch my videos? Because you think I’m ‘nice to look at’?” Phil teases.

“Well, I mean, that certainly helped,” Dan answers candidly, and damn it, now it’s Phil’s turn to blush. “But I wouldn’t have kept watching if you weren’t also hilarious. You’re just fun to watch, you know?”

Phil is thinking this is all immensely cute when it dawns on him what his next to last video was. “Oh no. Oh no, god, you still watch my videos.” His hand is gripping Dan’s like a lifeline in mortification.

“Yeah…?”

“Mfph,” Phil says from behind his other hand. Which he is trying and failing to hide behind. His right hand hasn’t even tried to let go of Dan’s, so Dan doesn’t panic. Mostly.

“You saw my video, didn’t you? The gym video? Where I go on and on about how fit you are?”

“Yep;” Dan answered cheekily.

Phil moaned in embarrassment behind his hand and Dan laughs. It sounds about as beautiful as he is, which is saying a lot. Okay, Phil may be a bit smitten, but he thinks he has reason to be, all things considered.

“Instant favourite. How do you think I managed to find the guts to flirt with you?”

At that, Phil peeks out of his hand.

“I wasn’t sure if you even meant it, but. I mean, I know you must exaggerate or even make up part of your stories to make them entertaining for an audience. But. I mean, you did go on for about two minutes about how gorgeous I was, so,” Dan laughs a bit under his breath and Phil is so charmed he finally pulls his hand away from his face. “I figured I probably had a chance if you ever showed up in the gym again.”

“I meant it,” Phil tells him. The way Dan is looking at him, joy and affection and attraction (a look that would later be dubbed ‘Heart Eyes Howell’ by Phil’s fans), prompts Phil to admit “...I actually had to reshoot that because I went on quite the lengthy rant about it the first time. And then I had to cut some of it from the take you did see, so that it wouldn’t jar the flow of the video.”

Phil is blushing again, but Dan looks thrilled, so he doesn’t mind too much.

***

Amazingphil posted “Life Update! Amazing Boyfriend? (Not Clickbait)”

“Hi guys! So, a lot of people have been asking about this on twitter - *zoom in* and everywhere else *laughs, zoom out* so I thought I’d let you know what’s been going on in my life.

Yes, I’m dating someone. Yes, it’s a guy. Yes, I’m very happy about it and you all should be grateful I have some self-control because if I had immediately given in to the urge to gush about him, you’d all be sick of it by now. *laughs*

So, anyway! In this video, I’ll tell you a little about how we met, and I think some of you will be pleasantly surprised to find out that I’ve actually mentioned him before in a past video.

Remember when I said this? [clip of the gym video where he talks about how his struggles in the gym led him to stumbling upon the Most Beautiful Man In The World.]

Weeeell… *looks to the side*

I did go back, as it turns out, and I didn’t see him again. But I was already there, so I might as well do some exercise, right? So I did, and nothing happened, and I came back home tired and sore and slightly disappointed.

But then! The next time I went, I caught him just as he was finishing his, like, workout day, or whatever it is that people who exercise regularly call it, and I thought to myself, ‘Phil. This is your chance. Just talk to him. Make some small talk. No pressure, just some casual human interaction. Just a chill talk with the most attractive man you’ve ever seen in your life. Nothing to be nervous about! *laughs, closes his eyes and shakes his head at himself*

So, I give myself a little pep talk, I pluck up my courage, and I. Go. Talk to him! *celebratory music*

And what does he do? *Phil enunciates, giggly* What does he do as I start talking to him, just trying to set up a friendly, relaxed atmosphere? Just opening up the lines of communication, you know, some casual bants? Do you know what he does? He immediately, shamelessly, flirts with me. *Phil laughs again*

I was… shook.

So, we talked a little but then he had to go - which I was actually grateful for because by that time I was freaking out internally and I didn’t want to make a complete fool of myself - but! We arranged to meet again, in the gym.

And the next time we did meet, I asked him out. On an actual date, not just… hanging out in the gym so that I had to awkwardly try not to embarrass myself as I work out in front of him even though I’m terrible at it.

So, long story short, we’ve been dating since then. *celebratory music*

So now you know. I am officially dating the Most Beautiful Man In The World.

*soft background music stops* Not even kidding, he’s the most attractive person I’ve seen in my life. It’s kind of surreal.

*music resumes*

So! I know some of you guys have been asking to meet him, as it were, and I have good news for you! I will be making a video with him soon, probably in the next week, so look out for that! Also, *zoom in* be nice to him, please, he’s wonderful and I’m really happy he’s in my life. Let’s not drive him away, yeah! *laughs*

*zooms out* I’m kidding! He knows you’re all crazy, I told him all about you guys. And he seems ready to adopt you all anyway, so that’s alright. The poor bastard.

Anyway, that’s it for today! I hope you all have a great day! Please press like if you liked the video, I actually want to know if you guys enjoy this type of casual life update... talk-type thing and if I should make more of these. Click the subscribe button if you want to see more of me, and click the notification bell to be told when I post a new video! Check out my gaming channel! And I’ll see you guys soon! Byeee!”

#PFF Bingo Fest 2018 #phandom fic fest #phandom fic fests bingo #phanfic #phan #am i writing now

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allthingsakali · 5 years

Photo

AKALI GRACES THE COVER OF HIGH CUT!

For the January 16th through January 31st edition of High Cut, the self-proclaimed villainous monarch graced the cover. Making her comeback in Dec, on her very own birthday, she dropped an unheard of four album collection for her fans who waited an entire two years without a single word from the woman. While retaining her style, she showed off many different idols in different lights and the collection was well received by the public for the first time in her career. The collection has since sold out twice, with the demand for a third stock still very high. Public opinion has been shifted slowly in favor of Akali, since she signed on to film Romance and Idol, as well as her own reality show upcoming on January 18th.

Will we be seeing a lot of you this coming 2019?

AKALI: Considering how packed my January is, then also my February, and so is my March. I suspect there’s gonna be a lot of me and others everywhere. I went from doing nothing at all, expect things behind the scenes to a CEO and making a ‘comeback’ on my birthday and then being packed to the brim and honestly, I’m not sure which one I prefer.

I think you are under a lot of pressure as a CEO and an artist. How do you release your stress?

AKALI: Dancing. Even though dancing is part of my career, it’s the one thing that’ll relax me. I tend to hold up in a practice studio for a full day and come out with an entirely new piece of choreography at the end that I’ll put up on youtube. Dancing is my one true love. But I also like to sit and watch really awful movies, like Sharknado in my free time. Then there’s the home shopping network? I can waste hours watching that, and buying s*** I don’t need. Am I allowed to curse, are you going to censor me?

You are well known as being intimidating, and hard to talk to, as well as rude. Is that true?

AKALI: I’ve got the biggest resting b**** face on the planet, but honestly, I mostly just don’t like being around a lot of people at a time. I feel uncomfortable when there are a lot of people crowded around me, or if I’m in a situation where I have to interact with a bunch of people. I’m also really awkward when approached, so I guess I come off as hard to talk to because I just never know what to say. But on the rude part, as long as you respect my personal space and don’t try and touch me, I’m fine. I’m rude to the fans and people who want to just grab onto my hand or invade my bubble. I really don’t like when people do things like that, so I snap back at them.

Isn’t that the price of fame?

AKALI: No, what the f***. Not at all. I don’t think I should lose basic human rights just because I’m ‘famous’, and I’m using that term lightly. You don’t want random people coming up and touching you, or trying to find where you live, or invading your private space because they want a picture. Why should I? All you have to do is ask politely, sometimes I don’t want to take any pictures or maybe I’m out with family or friends and it’s just not the right time or place. If you respect me, I’ll respect you. If you don’t respect me, then how can you expect respect back?

Very valid point. Did you have a dream before you became who you are today? I’m not sure how to refer to you, as an idol or an artist, or just a CEO.

AKALI: Truthfully, I never thought I’d have a hand in running an entire company but I always knew I’d end up somewhere in the entertainment field. I was very confident in that. I was determined to be a dancer, it was only when I came to Korea that I discovered the stage and rapping. Also, I’m an artist. I’m not an idol, though nothing against them at all. All the idols that I know are incredibly hard working and immensely talented, but they are on the opposite side of me. I focus completely and utterly on music, while they have to do that and also learn how to do variety, acting, and so many other things. There’s a lot to being an idol that I just do not care for.

Do you look up to anyone in particular?

AKALI: My mother. That’s a given, everyone knows my mother is my pride and my heart, and everything in between. But if you mean musically, normally, I would say absolutely no one because I’m the only one I need but So Hyang is a whole princess. Her vocal technique is legitimately the best I’ve ever seen, the fact she can hit a Bb5 without switching into a head voice with power and belt it out is just untouchable. I’d love to learn something, anything from her. She’s such so phenomenal in her breath control and her technique. The face you are giving me tells me you really have no idea what I just said.

I don’t, at all actually, but you are a rapper. Why would a rapper need to learn from a vocalist?

AKALI: Jokes on you, and pretty much everyone else, I can sing extremely well. I’ve been training in singing since I was ten years old, which is nearly seventeen years ago. Holy sh*t, I’m getting old. Just like dancing, I never stopped training and practicing. I just prefer rapping, and feel more powerful when I’m rapping. I’ve always been known for soft ‘honey’ vocals and powerful, fierce in your face rap, but I can sing in other tones as well. I’ll show everyone soon, hopefully, just how well I can sing. You’ll be quite surprised.

I’m sure the fans would like to know what’s Akali’s true style, when she has a boyfriend and when she’s all alone?

AKALI: I- tend to like to spend time alone at home with my dogs when I’m alone, or go out to eat by myself, wow that’s so pathetic sounding. Or watch the home shopping network. When I have a boyfriend, most of the time we spend time at home because I can’t be bothered to want to go out any more than I already do. It always ends up with me being awake, them being asleep and the home shopping network playing. I like at home dates, and just spending time me and them, and my dogs.

Wait- you said when? So you’ve had a boyfriend before?

AKALI: I’ve dated a few times, though it’s been... about two years. I’m not really one to listen to my company about not dating, or not dating in general. I’m human, I don’t see what I need to be single all the time when most of my fans are females anyway. The obsession over dating is such a lost concept on me, but I also don’t like to share my personal life so when I date, no one really knows.

So that means we’ll be hearing love songs out of you? You said in an interview you would only write a love song if you were in love, or had experienced love?

AKALI: I honestly lied to filth and back in that interview. I’ve written plenty of love songs for other people, including the one on my collection. Love is such an easy topic to write about, the words are so easy to find when I’m not the one going to be singing it. However, I don’t think I’ll ever write a love song for myself. Because at the end of the day, talking about myself in love is a fictional construct that I can simply just not wrap my head around. I was in love once, when I was too young to really understand what it meant. I’ve not been in love since, though I have felt.. feelings towards some people before but it never gets deeper than that unfortunately, no one stays around long enough. Sorry, at my ex-boyfriends who are reading this. Yikes. I think I might have broken like four hearts with that line.

You’ve definitely proved your growth as an artist with the Collection, what’s the next challenge for you?

AKALI: My next challenge is to show who I am to the public. I’ve always lived privately, and my reputation has suffered greatly because of that. Not that I plan on changing who I am in the slightest, I will keep the same personality as it just is who I am but I want to show people that the rumors are just a bit and piece of me, that there are many different sides to the same person.

You said in a previous interview, you didn’t really find yourself to be a feminist icon, does that still ring true?

AKALI: With future plans, I think I’ve begun to step more comfortably into being a feminist icon. I want to show women that they too have the power to do whatever they want, when I was meeting with fans this coming comeback and at the showcases and performances, they would always tell me that I’ve inspired them to follow their dreams instead of just what their parents want them to do.

Future plans?

AKALI: I can’t tell you much, but you’ll be seeing a side of me that many people have greatly missed and hasn’t been seen in about.. four years. I’ve missed this side of me very much, and I’m excited to be showcasing it again.

Lightning round, yes or no answers!

Do you think you are the prettiest in the industry?

AKALI: Yes. If you don’t love yourself the most first and foremost, no one else is going to love you.

I’m lonely nowadays.

AKALI: Yes, that’s why I’ve been active. I missed my fans. It’s hard to be lonely but also like being alone.

I have “black history”, things that I want to erase from my past.

AKALI: No.. I suppose the things that happened to me made me who I am. Regardless of how black that history might be, I don’t think I’d be able to erase any of it without losing inspiration and things to write about.

When you sit across from Akali in all her glory it’s really intimidating, she’s got this aura about her that just makes you feel insignificant. Like you will never be anything compared to her, that she really was born to be a star. But in all honesty, she’s quite enjoyable to talk to, and the way she says things and how honest she is gives her this hint of humanity and hilarity. And the few times she smiled during the interview, her whole demeanor changes and it’s endearing. She’s actually quite likable when you sit down and talk to her.

Honestly, I knew of her before this but I think I’m going to be an Akali fan.

#NO HAVING PRIVACY INVADED IS NOT THE PRICE OF FAME!!!#IF SHE AINT WANNa be TOUCHED don't TOUCH her.#also love her bc that makes me cry when people actually see who she is behind the rumors.#uhghhghd df si m s o happy i could cry again #wait is that a tear #am i really cryin #probably #i love my queen.#also the cover?#step the FUCK on me and kill me.

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