#and to then do that to myself. guess bad habits die hard. or dont die at all. but. fuck. i havent done that in. years.but now my chest hurts

[hikari-ni-naritai]

3 6 10 11 12 18 21 23 26 27 29 30 31 36 45 50 52 54 55 57 58 59 60 62 69 (nice) 74 76 86 87 90 95 97

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

man . theyre both kinda. painfully sweet. bubblegum i guess? i also like cotton candy tho its just hard to pick

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

i dotn know what like. most of these words mean. how are half of these related even. tomboy.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

man i fucked hard at dodgeball

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

these days shredded wheat

12. name of your favorite playlist?

the fuck is a playlist

18. ideal weather?

yknow, cloudy, warm, smells like its about to rain

21. obsession from childhood?

warriors cats babeyyyy. and bionicles

23. strange habits?

man i KNOW ive got some but i cant think what they are. i do this wrist flick manoeuver to crack it.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

if im actually out in the warm weather? take a nice walk maybe.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

yknow. i havent done it in ages but i really like doing jigsaw puzzles. maybe put some jazz on.

29. best way to bond with you?

i dunno honestly! i dont have an answer to this one. it takes a lot of time and effort i think.

30. places that you find sacred?

the woods. the woods the woods the woods you have no idea. the woods. its the woods.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

i would die if i tried to do either of those things

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

like...... charlie the unicorn i think.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy obv

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

god there was something that destroyed me but idr what it was. the hardest in recent memory was me trying to tell a REALLY really stupid joke that wont make sense to any of you. i did not manage to say it bc i was laughing too hard.

52. favorite font?

i absolutely do not have an opinion on this

54. what did you learn from your first job?

you know at mcdonalds in order to work the grill you have to be willing to put your arms under a hot piece of metal that drips boiling grease on you? thats what i learned.

55. favorite fairy tale?

what IS my favorite fairy tale....... we'll go with red riding hood bc her modern interpretations are always the cutest

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

damn what. uhh ok, having to rebuild my entire social life after the shit that happened a couple years ago, the several year process of going from hyperconservative christian to a . whatever the hell i am now. some kind of far left girl. and uhhhh. figuring out i was trans i guess? idk

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

four??? im good at ff14 raiding, im good at writing, im good at.... uhh... im pretty funny i think, annnddddd uhhh. i dont know that its a talent, but i like to think im good at making people feel safe talking to me.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

heh... guess i shotcha... uhh 'god im fucking tired'

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

ISEKAI OBVIOUSLY specifically something like slime 300 but ill take almost any of them.

62. seven characters you relate to?

SEVEN............ god.... uhh hanako ikezawa, hikari finalfantasy (im cheating), (god i got to ONE and already had to start cheating...) yumiella dolkness, man im tappin out. look at my list of ocs i put way more of myself into them than there could ever be in any other character

69 nice. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

i feel like i know how i know most of my fun facts bc if i didnt i would not really know if i could believe them or not.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

like 8 or 9 probably. i dont really go below a 5 so. its gotta be like migraine or vertebral artery dissection bad before im like 'i should really get some meds'. unless im doing it preemptively which ive done for like when ive got raid later.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

man fuckin SCALLOPED POTATOES BABEY

86. cookies or cupcakes?

the amount of qualifiers this question needs.... cupcakes tho probably.

87. your greatest fear?

dying.

90. luckiest mistake?

i mean most of my mistakes havent been lucky, the best i can think of is when i accidentally followed my girl @handinvampirichand and now we're mutuals with wildly different taste in things but we're cool.

95. favorite app on your phone?

i like tumblr

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

uhh mine, my moms, my moms house, my brother's, my dads. jg wentworth 877 CASH NOW. so thats 6

[t-h-i-n-g]

I would like to request reader hogging the blanket from peter (parker) and peters reaction. (If you dont like it or dont want to do it it's completely fine!!)

Cold Toes

a/n: hi! thanks so much for requesting. this is a high-key a crackfic i hope that okay lol. this is what my sleep deprived brain could come up with. i hope you enjoy!!

word count: 624

summary: since when were you such a blanket hog?

warnings: some light swearing, peter gets a boo-boo lmao, let me know if i missed any!!

marvel - masterlist  m.masterlist

--------------

He didn't get it. This isn’t the first time the two of you shared a bed, or a blanket for that matter. Those past experiences being from when you stayed over for your monthly movie marathons with Ned. The worst thing to happen was the time you slept on the inside and had a tendency to go towards his warmth during the night, making Peter edge away, trying to give you space. He was inevitably pushed off the bed. Falling to the floor with a thud, a groan following. 

He learned from that to take the safe route and stay as close to the wall as possible. Accepting he would wake up with your head on his chest. If he was being honest that was the best part of these sleepovers. 

Getting back on topic, he has never woken up like this. Shivering from the lack of any type of cover. His eyes opened, taking a second to adjust to the light. Once they did, they revealed you, wrapped up in his blanket,

burrito style. Now he didn’t want to disturb you, really he didn’t… but his toes were cold. He hated cold toes. Trying to maneuver some area of the blanket around you. A simple sliver of warmth was all he asked for. Finally being able to get a little undone, he tucked himself next to you. The blanket covered half of his body, but that was okay. As long as the dogs were warm.

But you just wouldn’t let him win this battle so easily. You turned away from him, taking the only blanket he had with you. Peter let out a sigh of frustration, deciding to just get himself a different cover. Carefully he tried to make his way over you, but of course you wouldn’t make it that simple. You turned once more bumping into Peter’s propped arm, causing it to buckle. And he fell,

nose coming in contact with the side of your head. Groaning he fell to his side of the bed once more, as you woke up with a jolt. Looking around for what the hell happened to wake you. You looked down, noticing how you swaddled yourself. Wiggling out of the enclosure you turned your attention to Peter. Who still held his nose, grumbling about how stupid burritos were. 

“You okay Pete?” you asked in a whisper. 

“Oh yeah, I’m good. Nose is just a little smooshed. You have a hard head, my god,” he whined. You furrowed your brows.

“What?” Peter waved a hand in dismissal. Taking his other hand away for his wound he wiped his nose, he peered up at you.

“Since when were you a blanket hog?” he questioned, moving to sit up. You turned to the object in question before looking at him sheepishly. Trying to find the words to explain yourself.

“When I was younger I used to roll myself up in blankets when I was sleeping. My parents didn’t want it causing any issues so it died out over the years. But bad habits die hard I guess? It still happens sometimes. Sorry, I can just grab another one,” you started getting up.

“No, it’s okay,” Peter dismissed your idea, “I’m sure that you’ve had enough blanket hogging for one night.” You laughed lightly, settling yourself back into the sheets. Grabbing the blanket and passing it to Peter. He took it gratefully, pulling it over himself as you tucked yourself into his side. It would be fine he could handle a little bit of cold feet if it still meant being here with you. Well, that’s what he thought…

Until he woke you with cold toes. Groaning internally he turned to see you once again wrapped up burrito style.

----------

likes and reblogs are appreciated :)

#marvel x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x you #peter parker x yn #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fanfic #tom!peter parker x reader

[prince-tulip]

Im so sorry for what I've done...im trying to be a better person, its just hard when all I want to do is fix everything ive ever broken. Trying to grow and understand these horrible illnesses, impairments or injuries, whatever life may throw at me. Its a journey im trying to bring to an end..i want a beautiful life..

The bitterness is something i still struggle with, maybe it plays into my life, more than i wanna admit, the guilt and shame i feel in those situations alone makes me want to die. The unrelenting feeling of emptiness topped with a conflicting sense of invalidation. God, it is so ugly to feel..disgusting completely. I am disgusted with myself. I have a need for filling roles for people that i feel obligated to fill, its about that shame. Its about not knowing how to let go what needs to be let go because you dont understand what letting go is. Its about not giving into nostalgia. Not seeking validation in something that can no longer give you that, not falling in to bad habits or abusing drugs, abusing alchohol, abusing, sex, porn, anger, depression, hate, impulsiveness, just things that hurt you..im trying to be clean..im trying to break free..theres a big picture im trying to paint, im focused on me and trying to just be good to others.

I can be alone, i can be who i need to be right now to find who i will be later. Im strong and steadfast. I love you, all of you, anyone who ever was there or will be. Past, present and future. Im coming to terms, one day.

The pain was real, its real. The realization of my wrongs are real, the achingly painful emptiness is real. I need to feel it and face it. Face the realization. The realization that i mirror othed people. That i don't give people boundaries or myself.

The realization of it all...how was i so detached, so careless...i can blame it on all i can but it doesn't mean i didn't do anything..doesn't take away from the false reality i was living in, that i didn't understand that it literally tore me apart, changed me to hurt loved ones, its as if i wanted to get to a point to where i was so crazy and so fucked up. Split personality, split reality, split fucking brain, filled with contradictions and fears, making any kind of decision is aweful, it makes me change as a person, like i will die or the worst possible event will happen, it is unrelenting. Theres so many ways that i didnt know how to function without living in destruction. Was it my bpd? Was it my autism? Was it my anxiety? Was it the cognitive distortion? Or was it whatever defense mechanisms i made up in my head?...why wasn't i a better person to people i truly love? Or am i just not a capable of living normally with normal relationships?

Im in deep pain and i can only try to be a better person from here..thats all i can do, there's not much time left. I could die tomorrow. Which i act scared in that regard but i also have always had a weird feeling of relief in the thought of dying instantly, anywhere or anyway, whatever time or place.

Selfish, i know. Its too easy right? If i always thought about how i deserve nothing but punishment then why would i wish to die? For that would just bring peace.

My brain almost undoubtedly would go "oh thank goodness now i don't have to make that phone call now" and laugh with a hint of irony. Nervous in way of course as well. For why shouldn't i be? For if there was a heaven or hell, I do not in the slightest know where i would go. Probably somewhere in between if i had to guess.

#self healing #living with bpd #bpd thoughts #cognitive distortions #autistic burnout #mental health #bi polar #literature #im so so so sorry #im fucking exhausted #insecurities

[innocencelives]

trying to live healthily. i mess up my whole apartment all week for my work, then i clean-in stages. tomorrow is cleaning day but i have a big job this week so im starting tonight. and i cant over work myself. i basically clean until i am in too much pain to continue-or almost there is probably better. currently, physically, i have black and blue bruise on one foot, and a dislocated knee on that leg from a bad fall this week. my knee gets dislocated like once a year honestly, so i put on my brace, i rest, i dont overwork that leg, and i continue walk at a snails pace through the snow in order to not die. i was on a crutch for a bit this week but i still got my show done, managed to wear my brace and flats for the show- bc i take care of myself bitch! using the crutch to lean on one foot/leg aggravates my chronic foot pain-making it extra bad on the other foot. low back pain is also hard, probably bc of all my stankin creativity! but i got that headstart in cleaning tonight. it was i think 2 full weeks i couldnt do my weekly deep clean-so i guess i missed one week. not gonna be too down on myself, bc i did manage to do the dishes once in that period-which prevents mold and a bad smell which is super important. tomorrow i pick up all trash, then reorganize all materials, then do dishes, then IF I CAN-sweep, wipe down kitchen and bathroom. im currently still terrified of nooks and crannies, behind my washing machine for example scares me shitless, i have to try to get those places clean at least once a while, under my bed is a big one- who knows if i left a single fry that turned into a moldy maggoty disaster? scared, so scared. on the mental side- continuing my 2 year streak of not dealing with terrible ptsd, still, on my stupid insistance of not taking my nightmare med, i deal with vidid confusing and terrifying dreams every night- always back to the home i grew up in, always seeing my parents, sometimes its meaningless randonmness, often times its pointed reflections on my trauma. absolutely terrified my cat is going to die, i have nightmares every night about that. shes old? has some pimples and sneezes alot… i know shell be okay, but my fear brain doesnt. i had a dream my mom killed her- horrifying stuff. cats have always personified innocence in my life, the idea of one dying is heartbreaking to me. on the other hand shes so annoying sometimes!!! haha, she always wants love, always wants pets? constantly. and who can blame her? i feel the same. still trekking on in my life. moving forward in my art, even though i have TERRIBLE habit of getting so down on myself and feeling like a failure- which is PROVEN beyond a reasonable doubt, to be WILDLY i correct. but yeah! im doing okay. trying to work on things. ive added another friend to my lonely life which is great! and im working on not making every conversation about my troubles, gotta stop that toxic shit. just trying to heal man. getting over the debilitating ptsd symptoms was i think the greatest triumph of my life. but its lasting effects on the goddam structure of my brain, and my physical disabilities, still suck ass. but yea. moving on! living life! i can do it!

[just-more-trolls]

dumb fantroll ask meme, odd numbers for wyllow

Ok so this is gonna be Long’un I’m gonna put everything under cut

1.  Biggest pet peeves? How much do they annoy you? Are they bad enough to be a deal breaker if someone you were interested did them?

“okay so..im a very patient person and i understand self-loathing..”

“but i have my limits..im not here for a pity-party please dont lament how much of a pathetic asshole you are expecting me to help you only to ignore any advice i give you and continue to lament your shitty life where nothing good happens ever ok???”

“...ok so that was..a rant...uhm...my pet peeve is when people don’t want to crawl out of the pit they’re in..or downright refuse to..mainly because they like the attention..”

3. What are your turn on’s turn off’s? 

“tha-..thats a little personal hello?????”

“i choose to not answer that!!”

5. What is your least favorite and favorite parts of your body? Any feature you pride yourself on? Then least favorite would you change it if you could? 

“my favorite parts? uhm..my horns i guess? and my hips”

“my least favorite are my eyes because i need glasses to see..id change that if i could i guess”

7. What is your least favorite food and why? 

“i cant stand bitter greens like baby spinach..or kale..its just not what my tastebuds like..”

“and venison makes me legitimately ill..like bad stomach ache levels of sick..”

9. What are any tics you might have? Any nervous habits? 

“under extreme amounts of stress ive been told i get the antlerbeast-in-headlights look complete with freezing..”

“im real bad about picking at the skin on my fingers especially if im real anxious..to the point of bleeding sometimes..but it keeps me from picking on the threads of my clothes until theyre unraveling..”

11. What is your earliest memory? Is it a happy or a sad one. 

“my EARLIEST memory is of finding my ancestors hive..and consequently also finding my ancestors journals on herbology and botany..and its a happy one because its what jumpstarted my own career in it~”

13. If you could have any super power what would it be? 

“i want to command plants!!”

15. What would you do with the ability to see ghosts? Would they scare you or would you be interested in them? 

“id ask them about their life..or help them move on if they dont realize theyre dead..id also keep journals of everything i was told; preservation of history and all that”

17. How good a liar are you? How often do you lie to others. 

“i cant lie for the life of me..like ill withhold the truth but straight up lie?? id die from the guilt.......or by the hands of whomstever i lied to”

19. How far would you go to be perfect? Are you ok with flaws? 

“perfection is an impossibility”

“...that being said uhm..that depends on the..flaw i think..and flaws are subjective..that being said if a flaw is actively harmful to the individual or anyone around them im not as okay..if that makes sense?”

21. How much do you sleep? What is your typical night time routine? 

“a full eight hours~! night time routine is typical: wash up, brush up, jammies on.. i have a cup of tea before bed and i read a little until im done”

23. How good are you with choices? Is it easy to make decisions or do you struggle with them? 

“i...suck at choices if im under pressure to make them.. decisions arent too hard but if there’s weight to them its definitely a lot harder on me..”

25. What is the worst thing you’ve done to someone? Do you regret it? 

“..........theres not a night goes by i dont regret it”

27. How good are you with computers? How much do you use them in every day life? 

“fairly often! i mean im no savant but i know my way around a palmhusk or a tablet”

29. If you knew you had less then a sweep left to live how would you use it? 

“probably by myself.. id quietly wrap up my assets..tend to my garden up until’ my final night before laying myself in the largest patch of flowers and herbs to be consumed by the earth as a way to give back”

31. Which would you prefer you dying before your loved ones, or them dying before you?

“uhm..probably them dying before i would..to spare them the grief”

33. What are your stances on the spectrum? 

“in a social standpoint or a biological standpoint??”

“biologically i lowkey enjoy the diversity..how each group has something unique to them like the lower spectrum of trolls having a higher possibility of psionics..or purples with chucklevoodoos..”

“socially i really wish there wasnt such a divide..and its not like we have a choice in the matter were forced based on our blood color to fall into a certain level of financial and social hierarchy as a form of control and division..”

“honestly if i could give away all my money and not automatically get a refill i would..”

35. If you were empress for a day what would you do? 

“upend the status quo and dismantle the hierarchy..”

“..also give lowbloods a lot of money to live comfortably so they can begin the careers they wanted to do but never had the means to do them”

37. What do you fear loosing most? A possession, your senses, loved one, ect?

“the thing i fear most is losing someones trust in me...to irreparably damage a relationship with no hope of returning...ha..”

39. What is your biggest dream in life and how far would you go to obtain it. 

“i dont know...im pretty content in my life as it is; i have my shop..my garden..my hobbies..i just wish i had someone to share all of this with i guess”

41. Are there any people in your life you miss? What would you do if you could see them again? 

“....apologize..”

43. Do you consider yourself a material troll? If giving up every thing you owned meant eternal happiness would you do it?

“as cluttered and material-filled as my hive is i could give it all up if it meant id find eternal happiness..”

“..that being said i do fear losing everything ive worked on because i..kind of lack a fallback plan..”

#ic #answered #Wyllow Pannim #anonymous #ask meme #FINALLY ANSWERED IT

[thecherrygod]

/

#my posts #look. this is gonna be a #vent #so like. i dont really recommend anyone reads it really #but i dont think just. swallowing this is gonna be good for me bc i think im about to. idk. like i feel like shit so yeah #ok i think thats enough. if youre reading this you probably had to expand my tags. not forcing this into anyone so i can just. go on #. lately stuff has been. shit. i mean my mental health. im having trouble dealing with this. i guess i just need to properly break down but #i cant even just cry wether i want to or no. and man i want to usually like sometimes im going on about my day ans i just wanna cry #simply bc im alive and exist and have to keep living a life and im tired i guess. everything is tiring and i feel like im not living really #but you just keep going until you break right?so thats what i do i guess.trying to keep my shit together and not really sure if im. managing #and man i feel like im so close to start up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms idk how ive been avoiding it lmao #also apparently but not surprisingly the scent of burnt wood is a trigger for me! a new knowledge #having it means nothing tho! bc i cant stop people outside from stuff like that and not people at homd either but at home it shouldnt be #that often i guess but. but man i. guess what i mean is that i feel like when i went to the grocery store and felt that scent on the street #i just had to fight myself the entire time at the store to not get a lighter so i could burn some wood skewers i have in my room #and to then do that to myself. guess bad habits die hard. or dont die at all. but. fuck. i havent done that in. years.but now my chest hurts #anw my heart is beating too fast and im surprised im not exactly shaking but i feel. like shit. like i can usually handle feeling this bad #but everythings currently just.too much?and i dont really know what to do about it besides not allowing myself stuff like buying the lighter #ans like. i should feel proud i didnt do it right? but instead it just makes me feel.. worse. this is. stupid. and pathetic. man. #ugh yeah i guess this is it. i dont really feel better but idk what else to do about it so i guess thats it. i hope this is the last i post #about todays mental breakdown #lmao imagine being mentally stable. gonna go try to not think for a while or just check stuff online or whatever bye myself and this post

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - Part 15

A/N: Just a quick update because i've been slacking!! 💕

As lovely as my weekend away with Bucky had been i was so happy to be back with Harrison and Grace. Harrison had been so excited to see us when we got back to the compound.... he crashed out an hour later, clearly he wore himself out!

The next couple of days i mostly spent with Wanda, she was helping me with the kids while we sorted out the details for Harrison's birthday party. Bucky, Sam, Steve and Clint had all been kept busy with work. Bucky and Sam had had so many meetings with Ross while Clint and Steve had been training recruits.

"I can't believe our little Harry is 4 the day after tomorrow!" Wanda smiled sadly as we finished sorting some last minute party details "i missed so much of those years..."

"Aww Wan, dont be sad. You're here for him now thats all that matters, Harrison loves his Auntie Wands"

"I love him too! And my little miss Gracie, Y/N you seriously have the perfect kids!"

"They are pretty great, but i'm totally biased" i laughed quietly trying not to disturb Grace who was fast asleep in my arms.

"How's the house hunting going?"

"We've seen a few places online" i shrugged "but honestly, we just haven't had time to properly look yet what with Bucky being stuck in meetings most of the day. He comes home exhausted most days, i can't expect him to sit up for hours looking for houses"

"Ross has definitely kept them busy since you've been back from your dirty weekend" she smirked while wiggling her eyebrows.

"Funny" i laughed shaking my head at her "I think i preferred it when he didn't want Bucky and Sam involved in whatever god awful plans he's making"

"I think we all did" she chuckled.

Once the final details for Harrisons party were sorted i headed down to the gym to meet Bucky while Wanda stayed with the kids. We had arranged for some refresher training after the break in and realising how rusty i was, it was decided it would be a good idea for me to get back into fighting shape.... of course Bucky volunteered to help me. Walking into the gym i looked around for that man of mine but he was nowhere in sight, i sat and waited for 15 minutes and still nothing.

Y/N: Hey babe, i'm at the gym.... you still okay for our training session? Xx

Bucky: Fuck, sorry baby i'm still in this meeting with Ross..... can we reschedule something for tomorrow? Xx

Y/N: okay not a problem, i'll see you later xx

I tucked my phone into my bag and grabbed my water bottle ready to head back to the living quarter's when i heard my name being called, I turned around and was face to face with Steve.

"Hey, you leaving already?" He asked looking confused "you just got here"

"Yeah i was supposed to be meeting Bucky, he was going to train with me. After the break in and realising how out of practice i am we thought it'd be a good idea" i shrugged.

"He ain't coming?"

"Nope, Ross has them stuck in some meeting"

"I could help you.... i mean its not like i haven't trained with you before and im done for the day"

"I don't know....."

"Wow, you're really gonna turn down the chance to land some punches on me huh?"

"Well when you say it like that..... sure! Lets do this" i smiled shaking my head "just go easy on me its been a while since i've done this"

"We'll go slow, come on" he nodded towards the sparing mats and i followed him over, Steve tossed me some gloves while he took off his hoody and rolled his shoulders out.

"When was the last time you trained?"

"Before i found out i was pregnant with Harrison" i replied avoiding eye contact with Steve, i remembered it clearly. The second i found out i was pregnant i decided i was out of the avenging life, and being a new mom i just didn't have the time for training.

"Wow"

"I know, i should have at least tried to keep up with some of it...."

"No, its not that, its just you look good"

"Having two kids keeps me busy" i shrugged "besides, i could use the tone up. Im still carrying some baby weight..."

"Well not that my opinion counts but i think you look great" Steve said blushing slightly, it reminded me of when we first started dating. Steve would always get embarrassed when paying me a compliment, it was cute. I finished fastening the gloves and stepped onto the mat to stand in front of Steve who held up his bare hands.

"You don't wanna grab some pads??"

"Im good, i can take it" he smirked.

"Lets do this then".

It only took 10-15 minutes before i was finally getting into it, the moves suddenly falling into place, my confidence increasing.

"Okay i think we're good here for today my hands are gonna bruise" Steve smirked after a good 40 minutes of sparing.

"It'll be gone in seconds don't be a baby Steve..... besides i'm enjoying myself"

"How about we change it up then, lets work on your defence. Gloves off, i'm gonna come at you.... stop me"

"Stop you?? Steve you're a super soldier!"

"I'll go easy on you sweetheart don't worry" he chuckled, his laugh quickly dying when he noticed his slip up of calling me sweetheart, old habits die hard i guess. I didn't react to it i just pulled off the gloves and turned to throw them off to the side. While my back was turned Steve lunged at me wrapping his arms around me so my arms were pinned to my body.

"Hey! Cheater!" I moaned struggling in his hold.

"Break free..... remember what i used to tell you?"

I tossed my head back hard hitting Steve in the nose, he wasn't expecting me to hit him so hard and loosened his hold on me enough so i could elbow him in the gut, i turned in his arms and was about to aim for the groin but he quickly blocked my attack and swept my legs out from under me. I landed hard on my back, Steve was then straddling my hips with my hands pinned to the floor.

"Nice try..... did you have to head butt me that hard though?" He laughed.

"It wasn't that hard, maybe you're outta practice too old man".

"Whats going on here?" I heard Bucky from behind and i turned as much as i could to look at him.

"Hey babe, Steve offered to train with me.....but i'm not so sure he's up for the job. Old man Rogers can't even take a head butt to the face anymore"

"Still kicked your ass though"

"You can get off of her now man, you've proved your point. I'll take over from here" Bucky said throwing a death glare at his ex best friend. Steve quickly got up and went to reach his hand out to help me up but Bucky quickly beat him to it. I took Bucky's hand and he easily got me to my feet before pulling me close.

"You wanna carry on training for a bit longer or are you done?"

"I think i'm done for the day" i smiled up at him "i need a shower".

"Okay lets go"

"Thanks for the training session Steve"

"Sure, anytime".

Bucky was silent on the walk back to our room, unusually quiet.

"Hey, you okay? Did you have a bad meeting with Ross?" I asked closing the door so we had some privacy.

"Meeting was fine" he mumbled.

"So whats wrong?"

"Oh maybe it was walking in finding your ex straddling you in the middle of the gym....."

"Buck come on, he just offered to help me out for a bit"

"I know but i dont like it! Seeing him like that with you....." he shook his head and i knew he was thinking of Steve and I together.

"Hey, you have nothing to worry about. You know that right? Im yours.....Completely"

"I know that, i do, but i can't help but worry when i see you two together. You've got history and kids....."

"We have a shitty history incase you forgot? And the kids are yours, you might not be their biological father but you have been more of a dad to them than Steve has been"

"Im scared im going to loose you.... all of you"

"Baby you have nothing to worry about i promise you. I love you Bucky Barnes and im yours"

"I love you too doll, i love you so much" he leant down and kissed me hard pulling me tight to his body.

"You wanna come join me for that shower Sergeant?"

"Yes m'am".

Saving grace tags: @jennmurawski13 @kenzieam

@captainchrisstan @s-t-r-i-k-e-us

@lets--be-honest @ms-betsy-fangirl

@damnaged-princess @farfromtommy

@disneylovingal @lbuck121 @billweasleey @heathens-takeitsl0w

@lacontroller1991 @supervengerslock

@mariswritingforfun

@perpetually-tuned-out @thummbelina

@marvelousstyles @broco8 @ineffableg-irl @ilovesupersoldiers

@writeroutoftime @ek823

@Imjstaghoststory @cap-just-said-language

@xxloki81xx @death-unbecomes-you @bellemile @buckyandsebastian @afuckingshituniverse @i-ran-out-of-fanfics

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly

#sebastian stan #bucky barnes #chris evans #sebastianstan #sebstan #captain america #steve rogers #saving grace

[some-jw-things]

if you dont mind explaining, what did the organisation do that it gives you such reaction? im not jw/exjw myself, im just following this blog because i wanna keep myself educated on all sorts of issues, but if you dont want to its absolutely fine

I mean Jehovahs Witnesses are blatantly a cult. That’s been explained pretty thoroughly by a lot of people.

I guess “this organization is a cult” can be hard to understand what that actually means. On a personal level, it defined my entire life. When I introduced myself to new people, the first thing I said was that I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. It was my entire identity. I actually think of myself back when I still believed in it as a completely different person than who I am now. I consider my old self to be dead, and so does my family.

When I told them I wanted to leave the cult, they mourned me. They cried for months. They raged and got angry. My sister refused to even look at me for days. In the span of one sentence, I lost my whole family, all of my friends, and my entire community. I was shunned, and they blamed me for abandoning them.

And I knew that would happen. They had always made it perfectly clear that love was conditional. I was told flat out— multiple times— that I would get kicked out of the house if I got disfellowshipped. My dad told me as a child that he would stop supporting me if I ever went to college, because every Witness he knows who’s ever gone has left the Truth. He also told me that the day I turned eighteen he would make me pay rent to keep living in his house unless I was preaching full time. All of that later turned out to be empty threats and a doctor told me that last part was actually illegal, but my family made sure I grew up believing it.

I was only loved so long as I followed the rules. This is standard practice for Jehovah’s Witnesses. I am lucky I got off as light as I did and wasn’t kicked out on the street. Even that only happened due to a technicality and how obviously mentally ill I was at that point.

Jehovah’s Witnesses’ theology is the reason I started self-harming. I was afab and when I was fifteen I spent a month asking why God thought women were innately lesser than men. That culminated in a big family discussion where I got anxious enough to start scratching at my lip over and over until I had a massive gash. My family watched. My mother made a token protest that I listened to for about three seconds. I walked away from that conversation with the knowledge that I needed to keep my mouth shut because certain questions were actually not allowed and a brand new bad habit.

I created an entire system for myself based on rigid discipline and punishment and the idea that any mistake meant I didn’t deserve to feel un-miserable, which is exactly the sort of mentality that this all-or-nothing religious purism breeds.

I was institutionalized in hospital psychiatric wards four times in the year after I left, and one more time about a year after that. The high school attempted to put me in foster care then, out of concern for my safety if I continued living in that environment. My mother supported the idea

The first time I remember sincerely contemplating suicide was when I was thirteen. My thoughts then were just that I figured I would never be able to hold off killing myself long enough to live to be eighteen. I felt trapped. I was specifically thinking I would never have the guts to be able to pry myself out of the Org and so I would be stuck in it forever. The JW lifestyle is miserable in a way I can’t express

I have comforted my little sister while she’s had a break down crying in the bathroom during meeting because the talk was about Armageddon and she didn’t think our dad would make it into Paradise. She had to stop attending public school because of panic attacks. She was suicidal too at one point, but our mom thought she wasn’t as bad as me and therefore was making it up for attention

Jehovah’s Witnesses by and large treat mental illness with prayer and talking to the elders. The majority of teenage girls in my congregation had severe unaddressed issues. The Society has whole articles on how sometimes the answer IS demonic possession. Their version of Paradise is a eugenics fantasy

At one point an elder comforted my family by telling them that Jehovah likely didn’t view my choice to leave as legitimate due to my mental issues. They have official articles calling all apostates “mentally diseased,” and how am I supposed to argue why that’s wrong?

The majority of Jehovah’s Witnesses’ teachings are bigoted and hateful. They have a cute little kids cartoon that compares the evil gays to terrorists. I was taught the mark of Cain and curse of Esau were responsible for the existence of other races. JW women are required to submit to their husbands and fathers no matter what, and divorce is a sin that will get you shunned. Trans people are forced to live as their agab, gay people have to remain celibate and never date. The elders reserve the right to out you to whoever they want, whenever they want.

There have been so many talks that have sent me running off somewhere private to cry and panic

There’s this little girl in the hall who was friends with my sister. She had needed a blood transfusion when she was a baby. Her parents had been willing to let her die, but the courts stepped in and took her away for a few days. She was given the blood transfusion, lived, and at thirteen had a crying breakdown in the middle of the hall because the talk had just said she would never make it into Paradise now. Usually though, if you’re old enough to speak for yourself, they let you die

My parents have had three bankruptcies and they mock me for saving money. They live as if the world is going to end at any moment. There’s no such thing as a future

The world has been about to end since my grandma was little. That’s a running joke. She’s lived through more changes to the Org than I’ll ever know about. My family has been ruthlessly controlled by this organization for generations. My family aren’t allowed to accept me even if they wanted to. I’ve seen this Org ruin so many people’s lives in a whole variety of ways. Three other kids I grew up with have been disfellowshipped since becoming adults. There are others who I don’t think could leave unless they literally ran away in secret

JW ideology loans itself to a certain style of parenting and that has consequences. They control every aspect of members’ lives. Behavior, dress, speech, career, free time, friends, which family you’re allowed to see, what media you can consume. The thoughts you are allowed to have. I’ve been sent into a spiraling panic before over the idea that “I shouldn’t be thinking that”

The Org barred outside ideas and all criticism. They forcibly kept me in the dark. Members are intentionally isolated from not just all outsiders, but also all outside opinions. I was raised in a way intended to make me an outcast everywhere but within the Org. I was told never to read about Jehovah’s Witnesses from any writer other than the Society itself. I was told never to listen to its critics. I was told that reading forbidden books would get me possessed by demons

The Society controlled and defined my entire life and somehow still manages to do so even after I’ve left. Every member I know has been hurt by it. I’m just the one who won’t forgive

#i feel like this doesnt explain anytthing but whatever #tw #suicide ideation #self harm #ask #ex jw #ex cult #apostate #ex jehovah’s witness #christianity #religion #exjw

[hockeytrashgoblin]

Ice Cold ~Part 16

A/N: This has way more parts than I planned so oops

I was trying so hard to wake up, to ease William's mind, but I just couldn't. I was aware of pain radiating from my spine and guessed that wasn't fully healed yet. It was getting closer though, I could feel the bones coming together. Once they were I could feel myself coming back. It was like when you're underwater looking up, just about to break the surface. I opened my eyes I noticed everything was brighter. It took me a second to focus on William but when I did my heart was breaking and exploding at the same time. He was so beautiful. I could see everything, every individual eyelash and slight freckle. His eyes had so many more shades than I ever thought possible. He was absolutely gorgeous but he was crying.

"William, baby, don't cry."

"You're awake! Thank God. Thank God. Oh my God." He kissed me between his words. "I didn't think you were going to."

"Why not?"

"You were so weak and so hurt. I thought you didn't get enough of my blood to make a difference."

"I'm strong Willy. I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't know how you fought werewolves off long enough for us to get there."

"That's what they were? I just thought they were gross." I said making him laugh.

"Well they are gross." He laid his head on my stomach and smiled.

"Did you really kill Peter..?"

"I'm sorry love, I thought he'd killed you. I was so upset."

"Will he hurt me. Badly. I would have died if it wasn't for you guys. I don't think he would've stopped if you'd left him alive. I'm not upset with you. Or scared of you so don't even start with that bullshit."

"I love you."

"Love you." I played with his hair while he just laid down quietly.

I stared at him. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed either. There was just so much detail I never noticed before that made him so much more beautiful than I ever thought before which is really saying something. He wasn't cold anymore which was strange. I must've given something away because he broke our nice silence.

"What's the matter?" He murmured warmly.

"Well I know the voice still works." I teased flicking his nose making him laugh. "I was just thinking about how strange it is that you're not cold anymore. You're really warm now."

"I thought that was going to take some getting used to for me as well but you're still warm to me. No heartbeat and no blushing though are going to be tough."

"I'm sure you'll still know when I'm flustered or embarrassed."

"You just make it so easy." He poked my nose with a big smile on his face.

"Uh hey! Mitch told me to bring this up for (y/n)." Auston said holding a tumbler.

"That smells incredible what is that?"

"It's blood baby."

"Oh. I didn't realize that the smell of it would change so much."

"Mitch put it in a cup because it took him some getting used to. He thought I'd would be easier for you not out of a blood bag."

"That's really sweet. Thanks Auston. Will you tell him thank you for me?"

"Sure I will when he gets back. He and Kasperi went out to hunt. Last night was rough on them. You lost a lot of blood. Everywhere." 

"I can never repay you guys for what you did for me. Like I really can't think you enough." I teared up and wiped my eyes getting up.

"Honey don't cry."

"We couldn't let you die." Auston said shrugging.

"You guys risked everything. You chased after werewolves to save me. You're all so brave and incredible. I'm going to hug you Auston." 

"You don't have to." He said as I got up.

"Yes I do." I gave him a hug and he just stood there awkwardly before patting my head. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. I'm gonna go now. Give you guys some time together before we have to go to extra practice." He left leaving me confused.

"What does he mean extra practice?"

"Mo and Mitch went to practice yesterday afternoon but the rest of us stayed here because I was unconscious still. We have to go do practice today before the game."

"What time is it?"

"Probably around 7am? 8 maybe? I don't know I've been sitting here all night."

"Oh shit work! I'm so gonna get fired."

"No you won't darling. Mitch called Amy and told her we couldn't find you. It wasn't a lie. I called and told her we found you but that you weren't in good shape. I was crying so she really bought it. It was true you were in really bad shape. Your boss called me while you were still out and I told her roughly what happened."

"What do you mean roughly what happened?"

"The story is that you got kidnapped and the police found you in the abandoned hospital all cut up. You have 2 months off to recover."

"That's so long."

"But if you had to recover from those injuries naturally it would've taken longer than that. I knew you wouldn't want to wait longer. This just gives you a chance to get your bearings and figure out being human again. Speaking of not being human, please drink before it gets sticky. It will be awful then."

"Oh okay." I took the cup from him and brought it to my lips before taking it away. "Is it weird that I'm nervous?"

"Absolutely not baby. Just think of it like a milkshake or something. Dont think of it as what it is. You'll feel better after you're done and I'll be able to see your pretty brown eyes again."

"Oh they aren't brown?"

"No when you first change they'll be red for a little while. Take a drink."

"Okay. Okay. I can do this. It smells good, I can do it." I was nervous and stopped myself a couple times before I just went for it and drank. Once I started I couldn't stop. It was thick which was a weird consistancy but it was sweet and the burning in my throat went away immediately. Before I knew it, it was all gone. I frowned and Will laughed.

"You can have some more later. We have to pace you or you'll over drink. I want you to know when you're full and you'll only know that when you do it slowly."

"Okay that sounds reasonable."

"You'll have to drink more than we do because of how new you are and probably how much blood you lost but still. Pacing yourself is important."

"Okay dad, I get it." I said rolling my eyes.

"Hey I'm just trying to help make this easier on you." He frowned at me and I took his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry William, I know you are. Thank you my love." I gave him a kiss.

"You're not mad at me are you?"

"What? Of course not! Why would you think that?"

"You just seem kind of cranky. I was worried that you regretted changing."

"You think I regret you saving my life? Seriously?"

"Well when you say it like that it sounds silly."

"Because it is silly. I told you I wanted this. I asked you to do it. I knew what I was asking for."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Now stop worrying. I'm okay." I smiled at him and grabbed his hand standing up. "Come on, we're going on a walk."

"Are you sure you want to do that right now?"

"Absolutely. I want to be outside right now. Even if we just sit outside or something. I want to experience outside."

"It might be a little overwhelming at first." He said leading the way to the back deck. 

"Why?"

"Lots of things to pay attention to and hear."

"Well I should probably get used to that before going back to work right?"

"Yeah I guess this is the best first step for that." He opened the door and as soon as he did there was so much new stuff I wasn't ready for.

I heard the wind, I heard birds singing, birds flying, animals eating and running around. I could see so much further than before, probably a mile or so. If I focused a little I could see a ladybug walking two stories down from me. There was so much to see and hear.

"What do you think?" He asked, running over to me. I heard him.

"Kinda weird that I can hear you move now. I know that's not what you meant."

"I'll find other ways to scare you, don't worry." He grinned and kissed me. "But for real, how do you feel?"

"I never want to go back in the house again. I love this so much. I can see everything! Hear and feel everything!"

"What do you mean feel everything?"

"I don't know just like the wind and water in the air and stuff."

"I don't think that's what you're feeling love."

"It is. Why wouldn't it be?"

"We don't feel that kind of stuff. It's just not that much, we aren't that sensitive."

"Oh. Okay. Maybe it's something else then. Oou! Mitchy is back!"

"He's not back yet babe, he's still pretty far away."

"I'm going to go meet him!"

"Sure (y/n) go ahead!" I jumped off the balcony laughing.

"Willy did you see that?!"

"Sure did baby. Go get Mitch. He'll be excited to see you awake."

"Okay here I go."

I took a deep breath out of habit and took off. It was incredible. If running was like this when I was human I would've done it my whole life. No heavy breathing or sweating or sore legs. And speed! I was so fast! It took no time for me to jump the boys.

"Mitchy!"

"Ow fuck." He yelled falling on the ground.

"Oh come on I can't hurt you!"

"You actually can now. You're pretty strong as a newborn."

"Oh shit I'm sorry. I didn't even think of that." I pulled him up and we started running again back towards the house.

"I'll race you (y/n)."

"I'll kick your ass Kappy."

"Alright then let's go." He went faster and I groaned.

"No fair, you got a head start!" I yelled running after him. To my surprise I overtook him easily. I ran until I saw the house and jumped up the side of the house to William.

"Fuck you're fast." Kasperi said climbing up the stairs like a normal person. Mitch came up a few seconds later.

"This is going to be so fun." Mitch said excitedly.

"I'm so excited to see everything I can do!" I exclaimed, jumping up on the railing.

"Baby get down."

"No! I can't get hurt anymore, I'm going to have fun." I jumped off towards a tree giggling as I flew through the air. I smacked into the tree and hung on. I jumped back over and smacked into William. He was a little sturdier and I didn't knock him over although he did stumble.

"You're going to give me an aneurism."

"No I won't."

"I can't stop you either because you look just so precious." He smiled sweetly and gave me a kiss as Kasperi made a gagging noise going inside the house.

"Do you want to go for a run and maybe a swim?"

"A swim? Will it's cold."

"Won't affect you."

"Oh shit true! Okay yeah let's go!"

We ran for a while. I have no idea how long or how far but eventual we were at these beautiful cliffs with water under them.

"I figured you'd want to jump off of something." He said with a grin.

#nhl imagine #nhl story #hockey #hockey story #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #maple leafs #maple leaf #Toronto Maple Leafs #maple leaf imagine #william nylander #william nylander x reader #mitch marner #kasperi kapanen #morgan rielly #auston matthews #Halloween #vampire

[hellbabyfromhell]

i was writing a small thing and then it became big... just my thoughts about my life as of today.

the asks people sent when i told my whole stupid story about my dumb ass life were really very kind and sweet.... i read through them sometimes.... im not trying to Fish for anything when i say this but like... idk the situation i was in made it really hard for me to leave without feeling bad, and they’d thought up every way to in some way make me guilty even though objectively there wa literally nothing..... idk just, me personally i take every bad emotion a person i care about is feeling or might possibly be feeling or may feel at a future time and i soak it in like a sponge.... so they knew if they made me feel bad enough it’d make me stay.....i guess i kind of already made a post about this but some people sent asks about having gotten through situations like this, and people generally like.... expressed pride in me... lame but ever since i disconnected from everyone i ever knew before my dad died excluding maiya and online friends..... i guess what im saying is ever since my dad died and i lost that familial feeling of living in dc because i had to move, and i was far from anything i knew... i felt so, so so weak and frail, and living in my old situation was crushing me up into a tiny ball.... i feel stupid saying it but it feels good when people are proud of me ; _ ; and im proud of me too.... i really felt so small, and i was like genuinely despondent and ready to die, but i realized like.... with all the crazy ass shit that had happened to me, it would have been so easy to just Die..... and for 2 years i was barely present, but i like....survived.... and really, that was a bad time. i used to scoff when people would say i was strong for that, because i’d think: “what’s so strong about not dying...” because it felt like a suspended plan frankly (grimace emoji im typing) but i also decided that i would try as HARD as possible to NEVER act like teen me again.  because right up until my dad died, i was a brat who was unwilling to take in feedback.... i wasn’t Bad or anything (questionable) but i’d go to therapy and goof off because i was very flippant about it in a passive aggressive way.... like, CLEARLY this STUPID BULLSHIT wont help me so ill be REALLY sarcastic about it! im cool! i kind of realized it after my dad died but LITERALLY i never did ANYTHING to help myself! like, i’d get really sad, but i’d make no real effort to change that, and i thought it was ANGST and MALAISE and ENNUI, and it was that, but it was also my unwillingness to step into uncharted territory: developing myself as a person consciously lol. at therapy i never took anything in and was too busy trying to make light of my situation that nothing ever got done, and i realized i never took any advice anyway.... like, when people say “try meditation”..... like Duh thats a stupid reply but also like.... Have you? i hadnt until recently.... and guess what! it didnt work at all! but i am like willing to try literally anything (within reason) and i want to ACCEPT everything just like.... 

i was SO ADAMANT about rejecting like...... idk Norms?????? as a teen , i really dont know what my aim was but it wasn’t working and i was making people annoyed because i’d whine and whine over my problems but never do anything to fix it, and i’d go and say “NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!!!” with like 5 people messaging me. idk just, life was handing me little tools with which to improve and better myself and i refused. i was a fool at therapy and i was annoying and SOOOOO depressed but weirdly comfortable with it simply out of unwillingness to change  my habits.....you know? and after my dad died, like... everything i previously felt was just......i just realized how incredibly petty it all was? NOT t say im not petty now, but i was like GOD DAMN i was suicidal.... over that? like i was really crying and freaking out over THIS? my two years of like PTSD cocoon  smoothed it out to the point that it almost just feels like i was thinking for a really, really long time, and only came to when i felt the answer coming on. i’m not saying i don’t still grapple with self pity and stuff but i kind of blinked and absorbed the WORLD for the first time...... i really wasn’t living life yet. i was 19 which is Older than 18 and i lived with my dad and his gf and i was fresh out of high school doing a little community college.... like i was walking around dc and having a grand old time going to the cliff and the woods and then id go home and talk about how badly i wanted to die..... i just like.... i decided that i CANNOT waste any more of my time acting like that because i wasted my most precious time, time with my dad, acting like a crybaby. i’m just disgusted thinking about how many opportunities i had to be happy and have a good time that i DECIDED not to take. and i can’t even really explain why still, but i just know i can never ever be like that ever again oh god the bird is tweeting its mornign sorry im back... just SORRY that was my roundabout way of saying like... i guess i have changed and like a LOT, and i DO feel strong... so thank you for caring about y progress!! AHH!!

#it gets a little depressing sorry but im okay just thinking. #and appreciating u and appreciating the good in my life

[ghostphoenix-kry]

Ey I'm going to make a list of oc AUs for shits and giggles so if anyone wants to ask about them or something then go ahead and hit me up I have nothing better to do.

Lilith Streith:

Killer Queen- Murder lass AU. She's just mean and too good at acting.

Kit-Astrophe- Monster AU!

Modern Times- Self Explanatory, she has a jetski tho

Forgotten Millennium- Lord Huron inspired AU in which French leddy is a bitter deity of sorts!

Bite Me- Vampire AU... What can I say? I fond myself fond of the teefs

Viva la Resistance- Far Cry 5 AU. Time to fight a cult.

Jarius Heilen:

Unlovable- Jarius is toxic now AU. Bad lad.

Wolf in Man's Clothing- Monster AU! Sometimes a dude turns into a big fuckin dog. That's just how it be sometimes!

Modern Times- Again, self explanatory. Jarius has a job now that is not robbing people

Zayden Barone:

Hellbitch- Monster AU again! This time featuring an even larger fuckin dog! But one that is a bit meaner and also slightly more demonic

Modern Times- He still has a gang, but now he has to do his taxes.

Broke Those Cuffs- Far Cry 5 AU, hard to be a criminal when everybody is committing crimes. So he just encourages it and lives his best life as a criminal in the chaos.

James O'Donnell:

Supernatural Sitter- Monster AU. James is fucking old as dirt and now just keeps Zayden in line to make sure he doesn't go feral. Sometimes he forgets he is not entirely a people.

Modern Times- Guess who went to college and is roommates with Zayden and helps manage the gang? That's right.

Amelia Alexi:

Catalyst- Amelia says ACAB, but instead of straight murder that makes her more likely to be killed, she follows Sol's guidance and decides to let the cops get themselves killed. With a bit of nudging of course.

Vibe Check- Monster AU, but less monster in this one. She just happens to attract the entities for some reason. Vibe check is through the roof, no echolocation, vibe checking for direction.

Modern Times- Now she does odd jobs and sometimes plays music. Has a cat.

Deputy- Far Cry 5 AU, aka the original Amelia. Small tired ginger gets to lead the charge against cultists that took her pals. She just wants to go home.

Evil in the Residence- RE 2/3 AU. The S.T.A.R.S agent that took the wrong vacation days and has the worst fucking timing.

Fuckin Bluecoat- Modern AU but she is a cop now. She is doing her best to fix shit

Everlasting- Vibey lass becomes a demon after harassing another demon.

Sol Vatican:

Angel in Title Alone- monster AU! Guess who somehow managed to become an angel despite being a bastard man that hates people?

Modern Times- Info broker that just likes to stir shit sometimes.

Hunt Barreth:

The Hunter- Monster AU. Monsters and beasts roam the land, someone has to cleanse the place of them.

Modern Hunt- Very done Cop with few fucks to give and a habit of quietly letting folks off for small crimes.

Lucius Farlowe:

Dealt With the Devil- Monster AU. Dumbass made a deal with a demon and can't die until the demon wants his soul. He just thought it would be neat to learn guitar from the dude at the crossroads

Modern Lucius- Hunt's partner in the force. Very likely to let folks get away with small crimes that dont really hurt folks.

Turn Coat- Far Cry 5 AU. Peggies strike a good deal and he works hard to try and convince Amelia to take it.

That is all I can think of atm

#oc AU list #oc: Lilith #oc: Jarius #oc: Zayden #oc: James #oc: Amelia #oc: Sol #oc: Hunt #oc: Lucius

[rhett-and-kink]

Just in case

Sorry for the downer, but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I just don’t see the point. I have so many fundamental flaws that I just can’t seem to fix. I’m not reliable, I’m horrible with money, I’m forgetful, and I’m lazy. I have every opportunity and talent to succeed, but I don’t. I don’t follow through with things that people rely on me for, or with things that would benefit me.

Like, I think I’m a great songwriter and singer, but do I go after opportunities to get myself out there, or follow up on things that would get my further in this? No. Because I’m a lazy sack of shit who can’t think more than 2 seconds into the future. I do other things instead. I procrastinate until there is no way to recover. I have the talent to succeed, but no drive. And honestly, If I don’t have any drive, do I really deserve to succeed? As my guitar professor always says, there’s always someone getting off the bus in Nashville who is willing to do anything to make it. I’ll never have the drive. So I guess they win. I dont deserve to.

And the way I handle money is an absolute joke. I spend and spend and spend, even when I know I don’t have enough. It’s a habit I can’t seem to break. I end up asking my mom for money, and she’s starting to get fed up with it. I don’t blame her. I would be too. I’ve even told her to say no to me, but sometimes there’s just no other choice. Christmas is here and I’m trying to get people presents, but I only make 400 a month, and most goes to gas. I tried to be careful, but I have $16 in my checking right now and don’t get paid until next week. Christmas is in less than 2 weeks. I can’t get all the gifts I need to. I asked my mom for some help because work is having a Christmas party with secret Santa and a potluck, but I have no cash. She sounded frustrated with me. I didn’t want to ask for money, but I didn’t manage mine well and now I have nothing to buy the food or secret Santa gift with.

How am I supposed to be an adult with responsibility and obligation if I can’t even handle the basics now? I’m not going to sit here and pretend my life is difficult. It isn’t. I’m just THAT bad at being a basic member of society. And if I can’t ever succeed when I get older, because I can’t handle money, or work hard enough to make it in music, then why stick around?

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my parents, but I’m VERY similar to my dad in personality. It’s great a lot of the time, but we are both very bad at being adults. He is 50 years old but lives with roommates, barely getting from paycheck to paycheck, and only recently became sober from alcohol. I see so much of him in me, and for those reasons, it scares me. Because I KNOW I’m going down the same path as him, but I have no idea how to turn a different direction. Maybe it’s possible, but I’m starting to feel like it isn’t.

If life is just battle after battle, stress after stress, until I die and go to heaven, why wait? I’m obviously not doing anyone any good here. My depression has been through the roof, and this happens every couple of years or so without fail. I don’t want to live a life where I know that every day is just inching a little closer to wanting to die every day again. I’d rather just get it over with. But I won’t. Because I care too much about the people who care about me.

I won’t act as if there aren’t people who care. There are. But I feel like I’m the long run, they’d be better off without me. I’m so unreliable and such a burden on others. Not being here would be so much less stress for them. I wouldn’t be racking up debt with college classes that I’m failing, or spending money that I end up having to borrow, or just not fulfilling my promises that I make.

So I just want to die. Not by my own hand, but by chance. A car wreck, health problem, fuck it I’ll take murder. I want to be taken off this earth and not have the blame be on me. Because lord knows I like to put the blame on anyone besides myself. And death is no damn different.

This is my suicidAL note. Not a full suicide note. I will never end my own life, but I pray that it does end, because I’m no good at it.

[i-get-high-247]

IM HOPING

to get back in the habit of posting more. this tumblr has the most followers ive had since i made my first tumblr back in grade 9 so i feel like i at least owe you a bit of effort. been going through a rough patch, quit drugs for a month, relapsed, and hit the ground running. im trying to slow down, but (as most of you already know) when all friends or family say is “its bad for your health” or “take better care of yourself” or “cant you see its destroying you” its really REALLY FUCKIng hard to use that as leverage upwards because my stupid mind-brain will just start thinking about how ‘im doing this to myself’ and ‘i shouldnt have done it in the first place so now that i have it doesnt matter because im gonna die from it anyway’. i guess you could say passively suicidal. but like passively passively suicidal. so dont worry lmao.

#rant #text #addict #struggle #sorry guys #manic #manic depressive #bipolar #guy #why u gotta be so perfect #also i love my job #jibbymichel

[alkalinerock]

50 questions air

thank you @kisamas i love talking about myself

1. What takes up too much of your time? im double fisting ffxiv and three houses rn im swear im gonna beat nier one day and i recently got bloodstained so i might fuck around with that :)

2. What makes your day better? eating something tasty and then im happy :) i also like it when i talk w/ the pals makes me feel good

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I am thinking about making mashed potatos i will i promise and it will b the best thing today

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? if i could visit some ffxiv maps like crystarium would b cool. n like, id visit inkopolis (i wanna b squiddo) and ryme city would be dope as hell would love a shinx buddy

5. Are you good at giving advice? i feel like i am but i feel like i still have so much more to learn about imparting wisdom. i was thinking about this the other night n as funny as this sounds i heard a lot of good advice on tumblr. mainly realizing how simple but important the small things are. “i’m proud of you” or “you did really well”. and i like giving advice i think it makes people feel less alone when theyre dealing with situations. if nothing else thats what i want to accomplish

6. Do you have a mental illness? idk i feel like i do but i never officially got diagnosed we got no health insurance. a lot of ppl tell me that im depressed and i think i believe it too but i always tell them im gonna remain impartial about it until i (finally) get a chance to talk to a profreshinal 

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? ya a few years ago after class id take like, a nap daily. and most of the times i wake up unable 2 move. sometimes im in like, a bad position where my face is a little too close to my pillow and its hard to breathe. i havent gotten it in a while but it sure does stink. 

8. What musician inspires you the most? i dont think any musician INSPIRES me but octopath’s composer yasunori nishiki really makes me wanna be like “quit your job join my octopath band” 

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yeah it rocked but things didnt always work out but i learned a lot in the end 

10. What’s your dream date? never rly thought about this kinda stuff i dont really fantasize about my ideal date. i think the best things in life happen spontaneously. i think. 

11. What do others notice about you? i like 2 talk about myself and that im cute and smart funny and handsome and my meat is huge :) 

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? i play a lot of osu!taiko so i have this finger tapping habit and a lot of like anxious tics like shaking my leg i bite my nails n whatever i do this n that a lot

13. Do you still talk to your first love? yea we’re like still best friends 

14. How many exes do you have? two too

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i have many playlists i have soundcloud playlists for like. anime music/future funk/game music/etc. my spotify playlists have like. hundreds of songs. my youtube playlist also have like. hundreds of songs. some things i listen to on a daily basis i havent even saved so it just keeps growing. 

16. What instruments can you play? i used to b able to play geetar, piano, clarinent but ive forgotten everything since

17. What do you have the most pictures of? animals n other stuff

18. Where would you like to go before you die? oh wow uhhh like. i have general locations but nothing specific. it’d be nice to visit japan and see korea (finally) n then like new zealand. i know it doesnt sound exciting but i’d be happy to be anywhere. 

19. What’s your zodiac? tavros

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes but i take astrology with a grain of sand anyways 

21. What is happiness to you? chillin

22. Are you going through anything right now? tryin 2 get a job. get my AA. 

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? hmmm i have made many bad decisions but nothing stands on top as my worst. i think anything that falls under the category of “mistreating my friends because of my short-sightedness” is considered the worst. 

24. What’s your favorite store? food stores 

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nop

27. Do you have a favorite album? no lol

28. What do you want for your birthday? uhm. better earphones?

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? im silly maybe

30. What age do you seem according to most people? a little younger than i am. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on the dresser next to my bed or like. on my bed next to me in a safe corner 

32. What word do you say the most? idk maybe like. epic. or. legit. or fuck. 

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? i donno lol maybe like. 1000. 

34. What’s the youngest you would date? my age and above lol wtf 

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? any job that requires, like, talking. on two occasions ive heard ppl say that i have a voice suited for customer service (like, ehh?? i just talk politely lol) but like. counseling too i guess. 

36. What’s your favorite music genre? most genres but lately ive been listening to anime op/eds and bideo game music and bandori songs and like. brockhampton or like. outrun. this n that.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i donno... i don really think about this stuff 

38. What is your current favorite song? fire bird by roselia (lol)

39. How long have you had this blog for? for a while idr how long maybe like. 5 yrs

40. What are you excited for? these maybe mashed potatoes im gonna make LOL

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i think im both. i prefer to listen and i think depending on my conversation partner i think listening is more important 

42. What was the last productive thing you did? i got out of bed brushed my teeth and got something to drink. i know its not much but ive really been makin an effort to improve my....””””mornings””””. ive been waking up at like 1-2pm these days so the least i could do is get my day started right

43. What do you want for Christmas? something rly good to eat!!

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i dont look at my grades LMAO i do like. OK on most of my classes but somtimes i make an oopsie whoopsie and lose a lot of points becuase im forgetful and stupid

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? like. 7. 10 being like, i just ate something really great and im chillin w/ the homies. im 7 becase i ate something sorta tasty and im chillin but no homies. n im thinkin about the mash potatoe im going to maybe make

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? uhm. maybe teaching? doing something like, being sillay with my pals. i dont think about the future i just kinda just. Do.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? never rly the breakups were my responsibility becos i was mentally immature so i tend to like, think about what i did wrong. 

48. What age do you want to get married? ahh im not rly thinking about this but itd be nice to have a gf first LOL these future oriented questions be like. “idk!”

49. What career did you want to have as a child? yuusha

50. What do you crave right now? despite what ive been saying about thos mash potatoes i really want like. a good burger or somethin. i just wanna eat something free and tasty!!

@gurmza @learnosaurusrex @advancewars2 do it and please read over my answers very carefully i will test you on this on discord without warning 

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[purpleful]

50 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @today-we-will-survive, thank u ^^

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Tumblr, making moodboards and just scrolling. Drawing ✍️. And watching kdramas and series.

2. What makes your day better?

Talking with my chingu 💜 and a good nap

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

I was napping 😴

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Well not a place but I would like to see myself in the mirror of Erised. (potterheads 👇)

... Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I dunno but I try my best

6. Do you have any mental illness?

I hope not

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope. I hope I wont, Ive heard Its terrifying

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Bts of course, I mean I ever started drawing again because of them, they are truly inspiring

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Love is too strong word for me. I hope I will one day, and that it will be mutual, happy and innocent love

10. What’s your dream date?

I guess every date is dream date when you are with right person. 😅 But in short, some cute little coffee shop, sweets, spring day, and lots of talking

11. What do others notice about you?

I dunno, its question for others 😂

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Checking things, multiple times, i am so done with it

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Lets say first crash. (and it lasted for 7 years lol) nope i dont, my friends changed pretty much and so did he, and they changed a lot, you cant even talk to them, like they are so up high in the clouds

14. How many exes do you have?

No..

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Well in my phone i have 113

16. What instruments can you play?

None 😅

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

Bts 😁

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

To those nice places where are my fave kdramas filmed. Especially Goblin.

19. What is your zodiac?

Capricorn ♑️

20. Do you relate to it?

I dunno really, they say for capricorns that are not that much emotional, and look at me im walking emotion

21. What is happiness to you?

I dont know, happiness can be when you are satisfied with yourself, when you feel safe and around people you love, doing what you love

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Yeah but who isn’t? - im just gonna leave this what Shay wroted. Everyone is going through something, no matter how smol it acually is

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

Well i guess there will be a time for bad decisions

24. What’s your favorite store?

Art storeeeee

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

Khm, So, who the fuck can not allow woman to have her life in her hands? Baby changes your whole life, i will choose when i want that change in my life. Young girls are not ready to be mums, that is not a must. Its their decision. Only theirs. What if it was a rape, what if there are no right surrounding for raising the baby.. only their mother can make that decision and we all should be supportive and caring, it is already hard enough for them

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Not really, maybe one day

27. Do you have a favorite album?

It is hard to choose from bts albums but The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 2 and Love Yourself: Answer

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Art. Supplies. Or money, so I can buy, Art. Supplies

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

Maybe that I talk a little too much for the first time, but people get used to it 😁

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

Like 2,3 years younger then I acually am. And at my age that different its kinda big 😂

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Next to me on nightstand

32. What word do you say the most?

like, bro, yeah..

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

Well I dunno tbh

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

Still dont know

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

They all want me to be a doctor, but if that suits me, i dunno. Oh and also a teacher

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

I dont listen to music strictly by genre, but i can say i love kpop, most of my songs on my playlist are kpop

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Canada, Quebec

38. What is your current favorite song?

.. i am an army..

39. How long have you had this blog for?

For year and a half?

40. What are you excited for?

Nothing really.. weekend? 😅

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I talk too much, but I listen carefully

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

I am making special card for my friends birthday ☺️

43. What do you want for Christmas?

All i want for Christmas is youu~ jk 😂

We dont really give presents here for Christmas, we give lots of sweets and that, in a bag or huge box 😅

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

English 😁

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

7, still sleepy

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

I have no idea. But i hope i will like it

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

Lol

48. What age do you want to get married?

Probably after 25?

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Fashion designer 😄

50. What do you crave right now?

Sleeeeep😬

Well that was long

I tag @50shadesofpurples @temptaestions @mar-rose-314 @mygoldenteardrops @trashybtsqueen

#get to know me 😅 #tag #it was a bit tiring but it was fun #i got to know me lol