#and try to convince myself that i dont wanna have just one fucking christmas with a happy family

[zukkatrash]

Sokka's favourite sweater isn't actually ugly, but it is really warm and cozy, but still the biggest reason he wears it is that Bato knitted it for him, gifting both him and Katara one for the first [insert atla winter holiday celebrated by the southern water tribe i am shamelessly using as a christmas stand-in, because while i personally cannot stand christmas, it does lend itself for some great interactions when your family isnt a hot mess] they celebrated after the war was over and he had been officially added to the family and Sokka swears that the first time he wore it he could see tears in his Bato's eyes

(his favourite pair of gloves however is absolutely atrocious, ugly and with so many uneven stiches and theres a whole finger missing on one hand but Hakoda tried and Sokka is a good son goddammit!)

(also the sweater Katara got is a very close second place for her, only because nothing compares to the fluffyness of flying bison wool, especially not if its gathered, spun and knitted by your very own boyfriend)

#atla #avatar the last airbender #avatar #bato #hakoda #bakoda #sokka #katara #bato knits #u cant change my mind #ive said it in my bakoda hc posts and i stand by it #he can knit so good and fast and god whyd u think it was a good idea to try to knit gloves hakoda? #gloves are /hard/ to knit and youre not good at it why would you do this to yourself? #why are you doing this to me? im the one having to recount all your rows because you keep getting confused at the pattern #knitting is hard yall #also i really hate christmas and yes i do mention that at every opportunity bc i really cannot stand this holiday #but like tis the season or smth idfk fandom shit is an escape and this way i can redirect all my christmas thoughts to fictional characters #and try to convince myself that i dont wanna have just one fucking christmas with a happy family #no its fine ill just think of Bato finally getting a happy christmas #even tho it wouldnt be christmas but yall know what i mean #okay wow this got kinda personal haha #eh its 5 am tis the hour #eyyy i got bad joke too hehe #alright ill go to sleep now

[sargentr]

my fave drarry fics of all time, part one

so, after discovering i’ve officially been reading drarry fanfic for 4 years now, i decided to show my (quite big) list of favorite drarry fics. there are 46 in total, but i’ve listed 10 down below. the first three are my absolute favorites but the rest are equally as good

most of my notes are fresh from when i wrote them post-reading. i’ve changed some, seeming less like a crazy unstable bitch, but fuck these were all emotional as fuck. enjoy

ps: i dont really know how to tag people i dont follow. i cant try and tag the authors later. soz!!

pps: most of these i read when i was really into a bottom!draco phase, so most of them contain that, some are switch tho (as it should be, yikes past me)

1. Everything That Happen is From Now On / ~43K 

After surviving a brutal assault, Draco tries to navigate the tumultuous waters of his mind, and embrace a bit of love and trust in his life. After all, the smallest steps forward can begin to heal the most fractured of souls

okay so before i get in to how beautiful this story is, i wanna say that it does touch on rape quite explicitly. i cried like an idiot reading the entire thing, because draco’s pain is navigated in the most beautiful and realistic way. it touches on a subject very risky for me, very personal, and i still can’t think of a better drarry story. draco’s very draco about it all, and harry is very harry about it all. it’s just perfect, and messy, and tender, and sad. i’ve reread it more than any other fic, and it doesn’t disappoint. 

2. Pocket Full of Starlight / ~46K

When Scorpius Malfoy and Jamie Potter meet at Quidditch camp, they take an instant dislike to each other. Then they discover their lives are more connected than they could possibly imagine.

ah yes. the magic of kid fics. the TASTE

parent trap au. i read this one recently, like 3 months back, and absolutely fell in love with everything about it, partially because the parent trap is legit one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. its just. the essence, the IDEA, is soooo mf beautiful. i cant get enough of reading when harry or draco finally meet the other twin, or how they cant stop loving each other even after 11 years. my heart clenched throughout the whole thing. 

3. Temptations on the Warfront / ~180K

Draco Malfoy is forced into hiding with the Golden Trio and dragged into their search for horcruxes. What ensues is a journey of redemption, unexpected friendships and an unwanted, turbulent romance with Harry Potter. Warnings for swearing, sexual content, and dark themes. 

this was the first drarry fic ive ever read, and before this mf i HATEDDD this pairing. so you can imagine how much it took to convince me otherwise, bc i was 100% scorbus before this.

to be fair, horcrux hunting with draco involved is, possibly, my favorite trope ever. its unique. theres tension, both sexual and life threatening. in some ways it romanticizes the war, but fuck it it aint a real war. 

slowest of burns. amazing. life changing. long as hell. nothing else to be said except read it right now i demand it.

4. Clouding the Senses / ~58K

As everyone returns to Hogwarts for a final eighth year, some people are coping better with the aftermath of the war than others. After encountering a very drunk Draco Malfoy one night, Harry realises that maybe those that lost loved ones aren’t the only ones trying to escape the war. Blaise Zabini seems to think Harry can help Malfoy, that the Slytherin might actually listen to him. Harry is not so sure. Dependence is a tricky thing, and one addiction can quickly shift to another.

everyone that reads drarry loves 8th year fics, but this ones just kinda different from all those normal (yet entertaining) ones. draco’s an alcoholic in this, and one night harry tries to help him and whoops, one thing leads to the other and they start having casual sex. its really, really amazing how both draco and harry navigate the addiction, i really cant say it has any flaws. 

i know the author got a lot of hate on their fics and thats why they took them down, but they’re truly one of the best drarry authors out there. i’ve reread this a couple of times, and the tenderness, the love and confusion is all very on character. a+

5. Restraint / ~153K

Someone casts the Imperius curse on Draco Malfoy, and whatever the instructions may be, Harry finds himself an unwilling target. The encounter leaves him torn between pleasure and revulsion. As they fight in the aftermath, a tense game begins. Harry fights to convince Malfoy, and himself, that he was not affected by that initial encounter, or any of those following it.

Faced with a series of escalating encounters, Harry must come to terms with desiring things he never thought he could, things he wishes he didn’t respond to. They each use signs of arousal as weapons against each other in a mad struggle to finally shame the other into backing down for good. 

But it’s only after the game is over that Harry starts to understand.

this is by the same author of clouding the senses, and i read this just this week. at first, it’s shocking, because it plays around with consent in a very unsettling way. when communication comes in, and its starts getting healthier, you can really understand where the author found the idea of playing with consent. it is, in my opinion, 100% characteristic of how they would behave post-war, with that grief and confusion. it’s also dom/sub in some parts, and that’s mf hot. 

it also has my favorite tropes in it, but it’s a spoiler to say which one. i’ll probably mention the trope in the list along with a bunch others, but when u finish reading you’ll know which one ;)

6. Humbug / ~30K

Draco has been taking his casual relationship with Harry for granted. Visits from four key ghosts the night before Christmas just might shake up his priorities in life.

(felt like it was valid to just paste what i wrote in my notes app after reading this)

(FUCKKKKKK HOW TO EVEN START?!!!?? just a fucking bonus, draco is THE best bottom o ever exist i love my bottom son so much. this story isnt only amazing it’s excruciatingly painful to read, harry and draco have been sleeping together but harry is completely in love with him. draco doesnt see how much harry cares for him or how much hes hurting harry by treating their fling like its just that, a FLING. with that, draco is haunted by three ghosts. one of the past, the present and the future, AND THEY SET THAT IDIOT STRAIGHTTTT 1800000/10. the gays DO KEEP MF WINNING!!!

7. in your arms, rests my world / ~24K

Harry presses his mouth to Malfoy's forehead; he wants to tell him that he’ll never leave, that he wouldn’t dream of it.

“You make me feel safe, Potter” Malfoy whispers. “You keep me safe.”

the friends with benefits trope doesnt ever disappoint, top 5 tropes fr, especially if its also 8th year. harry and draco get into their little thing, but of course nothing ever is simple between them. by the preview, you can clearly see how much draco likes harry (also another 10/10 trope, the ‘i’ve been in love with harry potter since i was 11′ one). my only tiny issue with this is that harry fucks it up just a tad, but it of course adds up to the drama of it all, which i absolutely love.

noting it also touches on non-con/rape and, and all in all, is extremely angsty. one i was tense from beginning to end. but i am gonna say it ends amazingly and v happily.

8. Playing the Hero / ~29K

Nobody kissed me like Harry did. He kissed like he flew; he kissed like he duelled - with his whole being, not caring about anything else. I had never felt as vulnerable as I did when he kissed me, seizing all and any control I had over myself. But when Harry kissed me, I felt free...

so the thing about angst is that it ignites that mf feeling side u that even tho it hurts you cannot get enough of. this fic was EVERYTHINGGG. it made cry and laugh and smile. also another trope i absolutely adore is them breaking up and not being 100% ok with that, bc ding ding!! YALL STILL LOVE EACH OTHER!! 

i cant describe how i felt, honestly. i would just paste my notes (i wont bc spoilers) but it looks like i went thru sum shit. deadass

9. fine i’ll hold my breath / till i forget it’s complicated  / ~ 15K with the two parts

Harry and Draco become friends with benefits, and Harry thinks it's more complicated than it actually is.

u know, fluff is a drug. i dont know if its beucase 90% of drarry fics are about angsty get-togethers, but i had butterflies in my stomach when i read this. its adorable. draco is so clearly in love, he jusT SMILES A LOT I CANTTT. 

its cute. i love it to death. have some fluff before starting your day.

10. Un Noël très parisien / ~14K

When Draco crossed paths with Auror Potter at a political function in Paris, he was not expecting their former animosity to change into something rather more intriguing. But he could be certain their casual flirtation would not last more than the night, couldn't he?

look. i know i named a lot of my favorite tropes here, but i cant end this without mentioning how much single dad draco affects me. i love scorpius and how much he changes draco in every fic he appears. i love parent draco and i shant be silent about it (especially when scorpius is legit just a year old in this. i died)

as it states, harry and draco have a one night stand but draco thinks thats it, that it was all he was ever gonna have. he’s wrong of course, and the path it takes, with both scorpius and harry there, just melted my mf heart.

well kids that’s all i have for now. imma work on a part two with 10 other fics i really love!1

#drarry #drarry fic #drarry fanfiction #draco malfoy #harry potter #gay #mlm #fanfiction #scorpius malfoy #albus potter #lgbtq fanfiction

[alotta-lovin]

“I Don’t Matter.” - GP N’ FP Canon

I’m okay, im just in the mood for some angst to get some things off my chest-- dont mind me.

Warning(s) : Fighting, Angst, PTSD Mention, Self Hatred, Abuse Mention, Conflicting feelings and trying not to push certain emotions/wants/needs onto the other.(Fluff??????), Realizing feelings?

Word Count : 1,731

Ship : Gun Powder n’ Flower Petals

A/N : There are actually some contents of my past mentioned in this and one of the reasons why i have PTSD, though due to having to change some things as the “parent’s” my SI has are actually based off my Step Mom and Dad. / There are mentions of a song in this, but the lyrics mentioned were actual things said to me. / Yes my actual birthday was mentioned in this. 

Sunny C. Age who gives a fuck and no one needs to know. No one needed to know her last name and no one needed to know her age. adult hood hit her sooner than it should’ve when she was just a kid so age shouldn’t matter in the first place right? that is until certain dates roll around.

It had finally hit Sunny. she was getting older and in just a four to three months the dreaded day was going to come. September 6th. the worst day she could think of aside from all the holidays that were always ruined due to her “family”.

Rubbing her neck with her right hand as her left stayed on the steering wheel she was nudged by the man sitting next to her. This man was named Dean Winchester. Looking over at him she let her arm wrest on the center console as she cocked her eyebrow, “What?” she let out a bit abruptly as she kept her eyes on the road after a minute of him just. looking at her with that look, that look that she knew he had when he had questions. “Don’t “what” me, somethin’ is wrong. now drop it.” he seemed to almost snap at her. rolling her eyes a bit as she bit the tip of her tongue almost in annoyance. letting out a groan, she huffed and spoke up nodding almost in a sarcastic way. “A’ight, wanna know what’s wrong? the dreaded thing called a “Birthday” is gonna roll around here soon and i’m more than likely going to drink like it’s the end of the fucking world, more than likely get drunk because of it and fuck up my liver cause i don’t wanna remember that day. happy now?” she almost snapped that last part out as she looked at him.

Now Dean on the other hand, didn’t and hasn’t known why she hates her birthday so much, the past few years that they spent around each other each time it was her birthday she wanted it ignored and acted like it was any normal day. Why though? she never answered why. Inhaling sharply he nodded a bit to respond and he knew that she was ticked now due to the fact she was speeding when she normally didn’t and how easy it was to send her off the edge with just simply asking “whats wrong”.

Hours later after the music was turned up almost to a deafening caliber. and Sunny loudly screaming she opened the door to the hotel room and tossed her bag onto her bed and sat down for a minute rubbing her face. Dean followed suit behind her and shut the door behind them, dropping his bag on the floor he took his jacket off and put it on the hook. she hadn’t talked to him since he asked her why she was ticked off. biting his lip he groaned and just snapped.

“What the hell has you bent so fucking out of shape about the day that brought you into this fuckin’ world huh? Why are you going to try and drink yourself to death each fucking time it comes around-”

“Shut the fuck up, Winchester.” she snapped back, glaring daggers at him as she stood up, clenching her fists with her keys in hand as her back straightened out. “Excuse me? You never talk about it! you never fuckin’ talk about anything in your life prior to runnin’ into Sammy n’ I! yet some how Sammy knows more than I do!”

“Cause it’s not any of your damned business what happened back then alright?! you don’t need to know about my trauma, my baggage, everything that makes me hate myself and i’m not going to let you fuckin’ stand there and demand you know! Sammy only know’s cause i told him when i was finally comfortable doing so, you fuckin’ asshole!”

“I’m the asshole? Why the hell aren’t you comfortable telling me? huh? is it cause you think i’m not good enough?”, at this point. Dean has puffed up his chest and his cheeks n’ ears were getting red and he was clearly getting more and more pissed off that she wasn’t telling him why. why she didn’t wanna tell him. why she told Sammy, and not him. why Jodie seemed to make sure and ask if she was having “certain episodes” every time they saw each other and all this other crap that he seemed out of the dark.

“BECAUSE DEAN YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH MY PAST HAS MADE ME HATE MYSELF. HOW MUCH MY PAST HAS SHOWN ME AND TOLD ME I DON’T MATTER!”

“But it’s so important for me to know you have PTSD?” he crossed his arms and glared back at her. unclenching her fists she dropped her keys, almost like dropping a pin to a bomb, it set her off.

“Alright, you wanna know why it was so important for me to tell you I have PTSD?? why i got so mad when you brought me back? Fine. fucking fight. here’s your wish fuckin’ come true, dipshit.”

before he had time to respond she had already started talking. “I had to grow up at 5, and play “Mommy” to two kids who weren’t mine. in fact they were my little sisters. cause my parents didn’t wanna play parents anymore. and after the age of 7, my birthday wasn’t celebrated anymore cause “it’s not important”. every time i slipped up i was yelled at. or worse hit. later on after i turned seven after meeting with a counselor at school with some how convincing them to not tell my parents i had seen them, i was diagnosed with PTSD due to thing’s i don’t wanna mention aside from the fucking shit show i’ve already talked about.” at this point she had stepped forward and was glaring pins and daggers at him at this point. once more before he could speak she cut him off.

“ “You’re such a fucking waste of skin. Faith.” “You’re one of gods mistakes, Faith. Remember that.” “honestly you’ve ruined my life, Faith” “stop acting as if you matter to anyone Faith.” “ with each saying she said she took another step forward and looked him dead in the eye and snapping with a deep voice that seemed to be a way to protect herself while her lip quivered and was clearly trying not to cry. “Now imagine being told all of that on a daily basis until you were 18. since you were fucking 3. that’s my earliest memory.”

“And you know what, i truly believe they were right. I. Don’t. Matter. I don’t matter enough to have my birthday celebrated. i don’t matter enough to have a normal fucking thanks giving, Christmas, new years, forth of july. none of it. i don’t matter enough. that’s why i try and drink myself to death every fucking time my birthday rolls around.” finishing her sentence almost with certainty in her voice she took a few steps back and sat on her bed, hunched over, her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. a slow shakey breath was let out as she tapped her foot. this. This is what Jodie meant by “Certain episodes”. those certain episodes were PTSD episodes. 

at this point you can imagine how much of a dumbass and a dick Dean felt. his mouth sat slightly open as he was shocked that she just let it all spill out. though he knew it wasn’t all of it. but he wasn’t going to push. she wasn’t ready for all of that, the whole reason she didn’t wanna tell him was because she was trying to keep herself from going into an episode. “Dammit...” a tone slipped past his lips as he walked over to her and picked her up bridal style and crawled onto the bed and set her in his lap, holding her tight to his chest with his chin on her head. “Thats why you go by, Sunny now... it makes sense now.. i-- i shouldn’t have pushed you. i really shouldn’t have pushed you.. you were right though, i guess i am an ass.”

After an hour of sitting there trying to calm her down, her shaking finally calmed down, she could speak normally, though her speech was still slurred and a bit lispy still. letting out a shakey breath she looked at him and furrowed her brow a bit almost in a worried way “I-- i don’t get why you brought me back... i shouldn’t be here--” she was quickly cut off with a large hand on her cheek and turning her to face to look directly at him. she she was looking at him before but she wasn’t actually doing so. she was avoiding eye contact. “No. you should be here. thats why we brought you back. i-- We weren’t going to lose another person we cared about. not again..”

Sunny’s heart nearly jumped into her mouth as she looked at him wide eyed. surprised to high heavens and back that she was actually cared for by the two notorious Winchesters, by the one man she could actually adapt romantic feelings for, Dean. it took everything in her to not plant a kiss on his lips. everything.

Though little did she know he was trying everything to not kiss her as well, he didn’t know why but for some reason with her in his lap, and the way she was looking at him was making his heart do things he hadn’t felt in a while.

“what the hell--” passed through his head, almost zoned out before he snapped back to find she wasn’t in his lap anymore and actually across the room with her bag in hand and heading into the bathroom “I’m-- I’m gonna shower... thank you for calming me down.”

“No Problem--” he watched as the door shut only to rub his face and rest his head against the headboard. “God dammit....and we have to share a room the rest of the case...” a loud groan escaped his throat as he got up off the bed she claimed and sat on his trying to figure out if it was just a momentary thing.. or maybe it’s been something more. for a long time.

#alotta-writing #Gun Powder n' Flower Petals #Gun Powder n' Flower Petals Mention #Gun Powder n' Flower Petals Canons #Dean #Dean Winchester #Dean Winchester Mention #Supernatural #SPN #Supernatural self insert #/ptsd mention #/fighting #/angst #/self hatred tw #/abuse tw #Alotta-Personal Things #self insert #self ship #might delete later #due to-- reasons. #Alotta-Venting

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Christmas 2k17

- My mother will go to great lengths to ignore or be annoyed by me Caring About The Political World Climate, but she literally got me a copy of 1984 lmao

- Front row tickets to Chicago!! 

- Okay so family dinner. Okay. So this year they decided to start dinner at like, 2:00 in the damn afternoon because my ONE uncle had to be out by 7:00 as he was taking a date to the Eagle’s game tonight and everyone wants him to marry off already so they were being supportive. But. Apparently he’s dating two different girls and the girl he’s taking is not one of them, and also has a boyfriend, so this was all for N O T H I N G

- OmfG my cousin brought his girlfriend and we’ve all met her before but like this was the first Family Holiday Dinner(tm) and it’s so fucking loud and obnoxious with these people and my mom said something to her like ‘are you ready for all this’ and this girl PULLS OUT ONE OF THOSE FUCKING CANNED MARGARITAS and was like “Listen. I’ve got a whole case on me. I’m ready. I’m cruising” I was DEAD

- She also decided I was the Cool And Sane Relative which is...Shocking. An Honor. Revolutionary. Unprecedented. Lmao so she stuck by me all night and gave me mango-ritas or whatever the hell as we lowkey shittalked my theater company it was great

- One cousin turned up in a low-cut glitter shirt matched with leggings covered in pictures of David Bowie in ‘Labyrinth’, another showed up in jeans and T-Rex slippers, and two more were completely adorned in Eagle’s merchandise. Classic.

- All the distant relatives think I’m like 16 lol

- “Oh, YOU WANNA HEAR THE MATT LAUER STORY?? I’LL TELL YOU THE MATT LAUER STORY” - *the entire room groans*

- I got Jenna a fruit infuser water bottle and a necklace and she was like....very hype about it??? Like this is the most genuine emotion I’ve seen out of her in like a year lmao. Either her acting is getting better or she’s finally reaching the stage where she realizes she can be a teenager and a real person at the same time

- “Oh, God, fuck....We’ve already reached Peak Colleen.” 

- Grandmom made the illusive fudge but she only made ONE BATCH and only three people knew where she hid it it was a WAR ZONE

- FIFTY MINUTES TO TAKE THE FAMITLY PHOTO

- “I can’t get it to focus all the way!” “Grif, as long as it’s focused on me it doesn’t matter!”

- EVERYONE literally surrounded a poor baby while her father tried to feed her omfg she was screaming bloody murder and everyone was laughing and finally he’s like ‘You know I think we’d ALL cry if people ganged up on us and made weird noises while we tried to eat’ asdfg

- There was pie on the table but we were refused the knowledge of whether or not it was indeed Drug Dealer Pie(tm), The Return 

- Listen,,,,,due to a now well-publicized picture and some charity work, my one aunt is CONVINCED she, personally, is the Eagle’s good luck charm this year and...it’s the only thing...she knows how to talk about...We get it, your picture made the front page so now they let you go to all the games...please shush...

- I can’t even begin to articulate this to you guys, but like...for MONTHS it’s the only thing we’ve heard about lol

- the eternal argument over the Weird Skeletal Bird Ornament 

- My cousin accidentally dropkicked a baby Jesus statue across the room

- The out of town cousin showed up with his wife and By God, She’s Got Some Opinions About Drugs

- Me: *innocently pours myself a modest glass of wine*

 Sixteen other grown-as relatives in the room: “oooOOOOHHHoooOOOOHHH”

- The kids were gone like all night?? Zack showed up briefly to model a Pikachu onesie but like. Where the fuck were they??? I can’t believe they were really on a trampoline in 20 degrees weather??? lol

- My grandmother usually just secretly slips me 20 bucks like I'm a drug dealer but this year she actually put it in a card??? Actual presentation??? I was Shook

- Meanwhile I chucked a bag of Godiva chocolate at her and said ‘Merry Christmas you’re IMPOSSIBLE to shop for’ lmao

- My aunt nearly stabbed someone for trying to help her with the food

- ADFGH So my aunt and grandmom go shopping sometimes and the argue about everything and one time my aunt came from work so she was in scrubs and while the were arguing in a busy parking lot my grandmom realized her daughter probably looks like her assistant or something so she deadass started yelling ‘OKAY OKAY PLEASE DONT HIT ME AGAIN’ ASDFGH This story was retold like six times throughout the night bc grandmom kept changing aspects of it to make herself in The Right lmao

- “I think Lin Manuel Miranda laid a curse on me”

- Oh my God wait I forgot my upstairs neighbors were getting HIGH ALL NIGHT like you literally could not go in the hallway but when we left today the weed was nearly covered up with the overwhelming scent of French fries and like....we know they’re having happy holidays rn

- All the desserts were disgusting because I apparently can’t trust my family with anything, ever

- *uses lasagna to eat my feelings about Peter Capaldi regenerating* 

- My mom decided she wanted to help clean up but she was overwhelmed by the concept so she circled the house three times before folding exactly one chair and then leaving

- I had to take off my shoes at one point bc my feet literally went numb and like...it was too much of an Issue there’s a dude here in t-rex slippers you can handle my black and gold snowflake socks grandmother 

- My cousin put his girlfriend's car keys in some random persons coat pocket and had to advance on an adventure to find them

- I saw someone crying into a pan of greenbeans 

- anyway I can’t remember much else but!! Not as crazy as usual but still a relatively entertaining night. Merry Christmas guys!! 

#christmas #family #molly mumbles #molly's memories #lol

[milkpretzels]

48 Recipes for 2017 (1/2)

r In my attempt to come up with 12 different cuisines I’d like to try making for 2017, I accidentally came up with 24. I picked 4 for each, even though this only leads to 48/52 weeks each year I’m fine with that, it gives me wiggle room or an off day. Here’s the first year!

I randomized the list so here’s what I’ve got! Feel free to tell me your favorite dishes/recommendations  if you have any and I’ll work them in.

January 2017: Vietnamese - Kinda funny that I’m starting with this one, as I probably know the least about it other than pho and banh mi; the former of which I’ve been craving for weeks and the latter of which I’m.... not a fan orz.

1. Bò Kho- Because who would I be if I didn’t start off 2017 with a beef stew 2. Phở - Let me live alright........  3. Canh Bap Cai Nhoi Thit - Stuffed cabbage soup, as cabbage is something I’ve learned that I like in the past year or so. Will probably combine with next one to fit 4 in one month 4. Gỏi cuốn - Spring rolls, which is leading me to realize: Considering I’ve never been a pork, shrimp, or seafood person, I might have to start looking into vegetarian recipes more often. Will probably replace pork with chicken and avoid/omit seafood :S

Febuary 2017: Swedish - I’m not gonna lie, I know next to nothing about Sweden too. Hey tho isn’t this an opportunity for me to learn more about these cultures? Although, it seems like a lot of these seem to call for lingonberry jam on the side, not something I foresee being available in Bing so I might ask my mom to go to IKEA and send me some up (also subtly planting the idea of going to IKEA forwhen she goes furniture shopping for her new apartment huehuehe)

1.  Köttbullar - Swedish meatballs...... listen. Will hopefully make these for myself on valentines day 2. Jansson’s Temptation - Apparently a christmas dish, will probably swap anchovies out for capers.  3. Ärtsoppa - Yellow split pea soup 4. Pitepalt - this one seems a bit too simple, but hey. Scandinavian food. I found a recipe that calls for bacon so that should at least be nice.

March 2017: Greek - oh fuck yes im gonna eat bread with olive oil at every goddamn meal. ive never been a huge fan of olives but for the sake of authenticity i’ll probably keep them in at the first recipe. 1. Tzatziki - I always thought this was an Israeli invention but im not surprised it’s greek. a childhood classic 2. Greek Salad - Will probably go with the leftover tzatziki ill inevitably have LOL 3. Moussaka - i’m kind of neutral about eggplants but this is a staple and looks pretty damn good 4. Baklava - i have a feeling this wont come out great when i make it and thats okay LOL

April 2017: Argentinian - A close family friend grew up there, and my brother spent a year teaching English here, which is why I want to include it here.  1. Asado - i dont know how i can pull off barbeque in a tiny apartment but apparently it’ll be a crime not to include this argentinian staple 2. Carbonada - did you guys kno? i love...... stew 3. Choripán - sausage is a weird thing that i ignore my usual dietary choices for, i blame my parents. plus i have such a weakness for street food (well, it’s not street food if you make it in your kitchen but you know what i mean) 4. Chimichurri - Realistically? I will probably make this with the asado, since spring break is in april and i doubt ill be cooking thatweek

May 2017: Soul Food - Distinct enough from american food (another month), I’ve never really been south of the Mason Dixon Line. I have at least 2 friends who I know would recommend/swap out a recipe for me here. 1. Hushpuppies - these look........ amazing...... (im gonna toss scallion in. let me live) 2. Black eyed peas & Cornbread - 2 for one because these are both “mom” foods in a way and i’m not sure if either would entirely satisfy my hunger on their own 3. Chicken and Waffles - okay feel free to drag me but ive never had this there i said it (deep frying is also a process that scares me but all of 2017 will be filled with fear so) 4. Oxtails with gravy - maybe throw some collard greens in? idk man

June 2017: Moroccan - I had to actively balance the overlap between Mediterranean and israeli foods here too.  1. Chickpea Stew - coriander seems to be a popular spice in moroccan food! 2. Lamb Tagine - I knew I had to include lamb, it was between this and kebabs, but I’ll save those for later hehe 3. Chicken Marrakesh - again, more chickpeas!  4. Maghrebi mint tea - It’s odd to consider tea it’s own recipe, in the middle of summer no less, but I think the cultural significance makes up for it

July 2017: Colombian - rip to my crush on the immaculate alex carillo. see you space cowboy.... regardless i wanted more central and south american cuisine  1. Arroz con coco - simple yet elegant?  2. Empanada - im just praying i dont butcher it yaknow 3. Sudado de Pollo - speaks for itself here 4. Bandeja Paisa - I feel like this is one i will probably make with/eat with friends

August 2017: Filipino - I texted claude and got a response back within seconds this was the easiest one to find dishes for 1. Lumpia - excellent 2. Pancit - cabbage, chicken, noodles hell yes 3. Chicken adobo - this speaks for itself 4. Sisig - Claude mentioned lechon but i don’t really look forward to pork.... why am i such a picky eater...... anyway im always a fan of sizzling meat

September 2017: Cajun - This is really just me admitting that I want more of the holy trinity (green bell pepper, onion, celery) in my life  1. Po’ Boy - Sloppy roast beef sandwich? 2. Brochette - Some form of skewer, will have to find a specific recipe 3. Gumbo - Will have to make sure I can get okra for this? 4. Jambalaya - Crystal’s favorite! The one she made was fantastic and Iwant her recipe

October 2017: Italian - I originally split this into two months, emphasizing on pizza and pasta. after some strong encouragement and scorn (??) i’ve decided to look up other italian dishes and make the second month “american food” 1. Risotto - I accidentally made this once and i want to do it justice, in the name of milan 2. Bruschetta - Pat and Caroline have made really good bruschetta several times so perhaps ill hit them up 3. Sicilian - This is vague because I’m gonna ask andrew! one of my favorite biochemists and culinary aficionados  4. Gnocchi - I have a feeling this is gonna be a pain in the ass but i love it so it’ll be well worth it

November 2017: Persian - I’m expecting a lot of rice pilafs and saffron here 1. Kebab - chicken? lamb? the world’s my oyster, i just wanna do something classic here 2. Ash-e jow - I’ve never had barley soup but i do love both of those things! 3. Fesenjan - Same reasoning but pomegranate soup! 4. Tahdig - crunchy fried rice 

December 2017: Ukrainian - This one is timed nicely because Polina’s birthday is the 17th! I’ll probably convince her to cook with me each time hehehe 1. Chicken kiev - another classic 2. Varenyky - Ukrainian variation of pirogi (I decided to leave polish food out of this mix) 3. Holubtsi - The beautiful cabbage rolls I’ve grown to love, like tamales but you also eat the outer portion 4. Green borscht - sadly, i’ve made borscht and didn’t like it (beets aren’t my thing) but this version doesn’t contain beets!

[strawberryspeachy]

So let me just share what happened ALL AT ONCE a week ago

The teacher i worked with and wrote about liking SEEMED to warm up to being coworker friends with me. He was looking out for me, deliberately waiting to walk with me to and from classes. Smiling and laughing and ENGAGING in conversation with me. And ok

I’ve talked to quite a few other teachers in my school and they ALL KNOW how to cut off a conversation. They do the lean away (i gotta go make it quick) they burry their nose into their work (ahh so busy cant listen) they SAY theyre busy. They dont ask follow up questions. They dont elaborate on answers. Im not that fucking stupid. I am stupid. But not that stupid

This boy started basically laying his head on my shoulder when we talked. Hed look up stuff I was telling him about on the spot not - oh write that down and ill check it out - no. Immediate. It i didnt ask him follow up questions to something he said hed talk more as if I did and leave them on a ‘ask me about that’ note like hint hint. I wanna keep talking. Not to mention how hed reach across me to get stuff. Touch my hand whenever possible (mind you none of my other teachers ever touched my hand with giving me stuff) just all in all gave the i like talking and were close here vibe. Hed complain to me and tell me “secrets”

I was just sad he didnt like me as more. But i was content being like this as coworkers.

Well. I fucked up and said (while laughing. Not an intense way) youve called me your friend twice now, does that mean were friends. I fully fully expected him to say yea yea were friends.

No it didnt go down that way

Instead thag led straight into him telling that he never wanted to hang out with me. He just said that. He doesnt like me. He doesnt like talking to me or texting me. And basically im just super fucking annoying.

So ok. Thats bad enough right. The only person in this country I thought was even close to something of a friend. Actually dislikes me

But wait. Dislike might be too weak.

Because it didnt end there.

He not only reported all the non school related conversations we had to get me in trouble. He also lied about things I said and did. Going so far as to accuse me of harassing and stalking him.

K maybe go back up and read how he was waiting for me to walk to class and almost leaning on me and - oh yea. Responded to every message i sent. Real responces. Not ‘ya’ or ‘ok’ and emojis and stickers and stuff... like that didnt read as “stop messaging me”

But my school was like yea - get her the fuck out.

So i got kicked out of my school.

But wait there’s more

My company was like - why arent you a mind reader. We got reports over a month ago that youd caused problems. But we decided not to tell you. We take no blame and youre fired. (Thats putting all the bs they said shortly. Havent even gone into how they didnt look into it. They didnt care about my side. They didnt talk yo one another and taunted me while fireing me)

So so far.

Guy i liked and thought was my work friend: hates me

School whose students i loved working with and made me want to skip weekends so i could return: fired

Company that provides me income: fired

But thats not allll

My company rented my apartment for me. So not only was I fired. Im also getting evicted. On christmas! Merry fucking christmas

And the reason i didnt wanna move out of here before is because i have to pay an early leaving fee, pay a AT MINIMUM 500 dollar cleaning fee!!, and ya know pay fucking movers to move or shippers to come get my stuff to be shipped becauseeee

As i felt. Everyone i met through my company are not my friends. I have no friends here. I am all alone in another country. No income. No place to live

Ive been applying to other jobs like crazy and apartments.

Actually actually here. Let me give you the two taunts my boss made while firing.

Right after he told me how i should have been able to read between the lines. Pretty sure he muted me whenever i talked about why it seemed my coworker enjoyed my company. Yeah immediately after he told me that several times. He said “teachers here often end up marrying other teachers because they work together and have the same hours and understand each other” um? Anyone know why hed throw that in there while telling me i should have known that my coworker didnt want anything more than a strict colleage relationship. Cause thats really counteractive fucktard who (my ex boss) left his wife for his coworker.

And. In Japan. Any person from another country who works here has 100% heard of gaijinpot. Thats how most people get here. Everyone knows that website. My ex boss said. (After telling me im unemployable now) “i know a place where you can find alot of english teaching jobs” AND WROTE DOWN FUCKING GAIJINPOT AS HE LEFT

MOTHERFUCKER

And thats it. Thats my life now. I asked someone who said if i ever need help to help me and really didnt wanna. And i shouldnt have because he said “youre for move is to find a job and a new place to live” gosh damnit i sure am a fucktard arent i. That hadnt occured me. Not like i didnt literally write that in my message above asking if youd take my futton for a short while.

I mean just this year a friend... friend. No. Person i knew since first grade who had a house and who i asked if i coild pay rent while i find a place to go if my family impulsively throws me on the streets was like - ehhhhh i really just wanna have sex in my house so no.

So i really shouldnt have even hoped someone here would help me.

Oh. And a wolf spider appeared in my room the day my coworker told me off.

And i saw an express train going all fast at the one station. And really really have been trying to convince myself that if i jump in front of it wont just slam into me creating the worst pain of my life as time slows down for me and i tumble downword to the track below the train where the wheels will rip me apart like scrambled eggs Completely aware of whats happening.

I just cant seem to imagine that going any other way except maybe that im thrown off the train and survive but never walk again.

So...

Not wanting to return to a place where my family will scream and make fun of me for being a fuck up again. While being forced to work a shitty service job and never see my friends cause theyre always busy. And never have anywhere to go.

Im trying to find another english job id like.... its not going well

Moving into a sharehouse.... i really dont want a roommate but i have no other choice cause im not even gonna be able to afford that with the fact that i only have a couple 1000 dollars and my rent alone will eat that meaning. Cant go do anything. So im aiming to be in the middle of tokyo. Living that city life i always wondered about.

Btw. The week before this happened id just accepted to myself that the city has too many people and i liked my little town with all the cheap stuff and my bike that kept me in shape. And that i coild see mount fuji on a clear day. This is why i dont approciate things. The second i have the thought its gone

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn

#IFTTT #reddit

[arielkrupnik]

pur-girl-tory

I came from a world of things i loved to be disappointed here.

So far in my stay, Ive unenjoyed the bimbo-limbo of women, Ive unenjoyed the limbo of entertaining poetry, Ive unenjoyed the company of many, Ive unenjoyed lingering and risking on deletion oblivion, Ive unenjoyed the bad comments this will probably palm-nail me with, Ive unenjoyed the crucifixation people have had with me, Ive unenjoyed not being able to write this on their faces instead of here, for this needs to be contained everywhere. Its already written all over your faces, and Ive unenjoyed looking into them.

I feel how Mickey Rourke’s face looks now. I feel guilty for those who sport a smile, recite an inside joke, upload a photo, insert a quirk, write their writings, miss their borefriend, expect to be loved, don a crisis make over, chastise for power, critic to death, name a hypocrite, expect an email, expect a text, expect jealousy, con’knives in the back, adoration, paychecks, sex, loyalty, and respect for being cold. But yet, and better yet, they have no soul. Drama mia! They have a lot of room, minus a soul.

Ladies with gentlemen, pedestal your gentlemen while you can. Better still, marry your man! Don’t leave a man like me questioning the genuosity of your love. You can be ignorant now to bliss I gave you beforehand. Its easy to rid the ones who love you, in favor for lucifers human flesh and his kind words. But thats not the way to get into heaven. He’s a wanna-be macho cheese, taco supreme, muchacho!. At least, my flesh is all natural. In the land of Ariel Krupnik, it keeps me from ever warming up to the idea it'll be unenjoyed.

We all shit out the same asshole for the same fate. Enjoy your version of love while supplies last. Rub shit in my face, and make me wonder

what gosh! It must feel like to be the most important someone in your life. Love is for those that dont want to be found; to leave loyalty behind. Since when did love become an excuse to get rid of me?. I cant just say fuck them - my heart is too big to fit through that door. It seems as though every girl i know in love - really know how to fail under the radar, dontcha unsweethearts?. Might as well start unacknowledging our history, and start heading back on your kind

words.

Your lucky you got away. I have to work everyday. No one has compassion, soul, heart, empathy, love angel music, baby. I feel like Im the only one trying. I feel like the only one whose gotten neurotic for it, and any girl to complain along with me, will agree, then retreat back to their borefriend, and lie life. If you can retreat to love after reading this, your say in the matter is no go. Take your comments with you to farcity blues.

I don’t expect any miracles for being this conduit of expressing things we're scared to say. Thats how the right poem gets made. Thats how the real person does reality, minus a love, added by soul. Bless me for me! and who are you suppose to be?. And what for?!.

I don’t have the same nature as a lot of you do. I have this unbelievability factor hunting down on me, for until my dying days. You see poetry has found me, sister dear, brother dear. And Ive stuck its language all around me;

every corner in my mouth. I sacrificed the english language and those who speak it, to speak le dangerous!. Lets hear you say this.

My life is the secret told, the full-fledged victory for not having someone to share this with. He is sad to hear, naive, he is mad-mindedly beautiful in his telling of the story. He does justice to decency by speaking these. Oh but Im speaking way ahead of myself, its the rest of the world that has catching up to do. This writing here today is indeed born of its rightful melancholy, and the one you might be missing out on. Im sure theres a great writer even now whose convinced you great writing exists otherwise. They are writing my work. They are using my skills to get to you, to get you too. Poor little fellows, who were born dicks - and legs and arms, and torso and heads grew from it!

No I haven’t enjoyed my stay, the rooms been full but the company has been empty. I don’t feel right not reaching enough soul. I don’t think someone willing to be a minor messiah for your everything should be shunned, no matter what he wears, or how he cuts his hair. Do you honestly feel okay not being happy to happiness' full-pull potential?. You are the ones in shock, over awe, over oh no, over his courtly love

staring out in the open dawn. You are the ones that want to disappear among rooms, clubs, dorms, bars, upstates, drugstores, house parties, homes, vacations, classes, jobs, and dates, and dirty laundry. All to get further ahead in life, pushing me aside.

What are you guilty of at the moment? Im sure your ignoring someone for a stupid reason, and I am not ever. I can be bought for free. Im talking bout me - the incredible friend of yours incredibly unacknowledged. If theres anything I can die and leave you with, it would be to please not fall into the cliche of these self-righteous, below the ground-nosers, who think too high and mighty of themselves to hang with anyone the least bit disingenuous. If you cant accept everyone and their faults, unwelcome yourself to society.

I don’t feel so comfortable waiting so long to see people again. The idea of pretend-friends hasn’t always been a favorite of mine. ‘ We should hang out', fake,

every word is for false people. Someone has to be somewhat decent. Thank god for me, i guess. Im the only last will and living testament of those who don’t break the rules. Im too cool to be outside of school. I shit upon all who believe they cant compensate for being bad. People who attend halloween parties, thanksgiving dinners, christmas dinners and new years parties, claiming around, being good to their relatives, just so they can be bad in reality. Thank god for me being real my whole life. I haven’t been faking it.

I don’t expect miracles with anyone. I don’t expect anything - no one has any real heart to put up a fight. No one wants to find out why I consider myself talented.

Im so disappointed we cant get past stupid little individual problems we make, just to avoid the truth. We have improvised anything that might be evil, to steer clear of me. Goodbye proper imagination, hello fake fuck-face smiles.

Its nice to see you again in everyone. May you shatter all your mirrors and preconceptions one day. One can only hope.

Oh what me worry, I'll die for any spot in heaven,

I can always fulfill that expectation. I'll be the first and last to understand what Ive written here. First and last, and anywhere Im hoping the in-betweeners wont make the end so hard if they've been following me this whole time. No one I know is someone to have gotten to know all of me. If they were looking for redemption out of something bad i did, I hope they find that here. I hope I was more than just myself today, and something unseen carried over. I hope that makes her, whoever she is now, that much more intrigued on my mystery. And I hope that she whoever, forgives me my daily dread. Forgiveness is important to me, not yourselves.

I wish you all the best in stopping yourselves from me getting to know you. I wish upon a dark star.

I hope on that star, I wasn’t your friend, but thee friend, afterall. In the end, Im friends with your heart, not yourselves. And you can tell your others; significant others and friends, an angel says fuck them for not reading this. Fuck you if you don’t get it, and fuck us if you never will. And fuck you all with love,

Ariel.

#christmas day

[survivormyanmar-blog]

Ep. #11- “This Game Is Crackedt” - Sam

After a 10 day break for the holidays, the game started back up again and the players were presented with their next  immunity challenge, Tile Flip.  In the challenge Tommy claims he threw it to let Sam get the largest section of the grid to himself and Sam won immunity.  By this point everyone in the game knew that Jay was the biggest threat but Jay was trying to round people up to take out Tommy.  She had some success actually convincing Leah to vote for Tommy.  Jay made a mistake though trying to cause paranoia by telling Tommy that Leah brought up his name.  This caused Tommy to go back to Leah with this information which made Leah flip out and change her vote to Jay.  Jay was sent home in a 7-1 vote.

Well, I've never been on the bottom in an ORG before, so that's a fun development. If nothing else, losing all my allies except for one (Linus, shout out to you for not being a giant bag of small dicks) means I'll get to really flex my game skills. I'm going hard as fuck on the next challenge because if I lose, it's probably the end of me. But if I make it to the end, assholes, then thank you for putting someone who loves me on the jury.

You know what sucks? Still being in the game but feeling like people are already campaigning for your jury vote.

since i promised this I MADE THE CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!! what kind of survivor magic you know as much as playing on the bottom sucked, I needed to figure out how to play the game differently. I used to just have this rogue-esque style of gameplay that never put me on the "bottom" because I was usually just thinking about myself and not my allies. now, I'm back in a majority (that is still very fluid), but I safely feel like I'm no longer at the bottom of a specific group. I feel like I've refined my game and made it more social, and I needed the experience of bottom-feeding to do that. I need momentum for when we come out of the break; it's time for me to start winning this thing.

"The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry" -Robert Burns Well, that tribal sucked. What's running through my head right now is I must be considered such a non factor in the game to people that they just aren't attempting to play the social game with me. My reason for thinking this is because unless they are actually jury threats somehow, this vote was absolutely moronic for Leah, Amanda (and Ting if she's lying about her reasoning for the vote). The only person this helps at all is Ashley from my perspective, which means either I'm playing with idiots, or my perspective is way off. I feel from a strategy perspective for myself I have to assume the latter. Leah, Amanda and Ting need to get to the end with a goat from what I see, so why cut a goat when the goats could have formed a majority in the alliance once Tommy and Sam are gone? Ting's reasoning is that the vote was already in Christian and she just wanted to be in the majority (which is reasonable, I did the same on the Brett vote), and Ashley claims she heard about the vote 10 minutes before tribal. I am more prone to believe Ting on a logical level, but Ashley's story actually does kind of check out too since she was gone all day. The problem now is figuring out h approach to move forward. I feel like if I play my cards right I can stay safe, but I have to figure out if Amanda and Leah secretly are some social beasts or something and I need to appeal to a strategic mind, or if I need to make a serious call out post in the main chat and maybe wake some people up to their position in the game.

Linus is not funny but I'm not funnIER

i just typed a huge game confession and my internet went out happy 2017... i'll try again tomorrow

oh wow i won something! i'm not really sure how this vote is going to work out; i'm expecting that jay will have something to offer me tomorrow. that, or she'll try to blindside me so that i'm at the point at which i have to win immunity. anyway, it's dope to at least make it back to 7th again. but i'm not done. time to go to work.

okay apparently people are paranoid that tommy is gonna play an idol like I WANNA SEE THE CHAOS

LET ME IN I'M ALL ABOUT THAT SHIT

this game crackedt.

[1/4/2017 10:50:34 PM] Nigel (Linus) Silversides: How are you feeling on the vote? [1/4/2017 10:51:27 PM] Ashley Hudson: Ummmm I am really not sure because I dont really know where anyone's head is at [1/4/2017 10:53:15 PM] Nigel (Linus) Silversides: Yeah, people have been quiet :( . You're kinda the one calling the shots right now though so I was hoping you'd maybe heard something. [1/4/2017 10:53:31 PM] Nigel (Linus) Silversides: (Thats not meant as an attack on you for being in the power position in any way, sorry it was worded badly ahdfjlhads) Well... This is new. A power position?! Me?! How?! I guess people have been assuming Leah, Amanda and I are a thing but I odn't quite see how that would make me in a powerful position. Help.

So Tommy called with Amanda and I and told us that Leah ran to Jay before the last vote and told her that the plan was majority on Christian. Thankfully Leah didn't flip or anything, but just the fact that she told Jay about it before tribal is annoying as heck. Like idek if I can trust her anymore. She is in an alliance chat with Tommy, Amanda, Sam, and myself. So I have been trying to not talk much in the chat and work more with Tommy and Amanda. Amanda and I are tight still, I guess you could call it a F2. My second person I would say is Tommy. I really want to trust Ting Ting but all she is saying to me is that she will go with whatever I say which is kinda sketchy so I will be cautious with that one. For tribal tonight I have no idea what is happening, so that is cool. I think if people play their idols I might too. Might as well be safe rather than sorry. Jay is supposedly trying to pull in the ranks because she thinks that it will be her tonight, so if she does that, and if people fall for it, she could get a group together unfortunately. I however, don't think I will be the initial target they choose. Jay has suggested Amanda before and unfortunately she might again. So we really need to be careful. I can't go losing my biggest ally tonight. But I also need to keep an eye out for myself.

People I trust?: Amanda Tommy People I am unsure about: Sam Leah Ting Ting People I will be looking out for anything, and I mean anything sketchy: Jay Linus Maybe we will see a split vote tonight? Tommy Amanda and I were talking about it. maybe a 4 and 2? Like our most trustworthy people on the 4, and then the 2 could be like Leah and Ting Ting. In case they flip, it would be 4 and 4. However, we may have to make it seem as if Leah and Ting Ting are voting in the majority so they don't feel any urge to switch. So possibly lie to them and say Linus, then have the majority vote Jay? That could be messed up if Ting Ting or Leah flip, and Jay plays an idol... So tbh our ideas have cons and pros and I am not sure what is going to happen tonight.

My kink is being on the bottom, knowing I'm on the bottom, and still having to play nice. Like, I wish people would stop bullshitting me. Don't campaign for my jury vote before you murder me. Assholes. At least if I go tonight, it won't be a blindside.

okay uh now jay is brewing up some bubble bubble toil and trouble shit and saying that ashley is some kind of strategic mastermind?? I agree that ashley is in a good spot but I'm not sure she's the one calling all the shots over there. then again, I could be very wrong. I've been wrong before.

Well this is quite the yikes fest. I literally don't even know how to describe what's hopefully going to happen. So the overall plan is to vote Jay out. So I definitely know that we have me, Tommy, Sam, Amanda, and Ashley which is good enough to have a majority. But let me tell you, there are fireworks. Like it's the 4th of July out here. Bc first, Jay wanted to get me out, because apparently she doesn't trust me anymore, which is totally understandable, but like she thinks that I'm cocky and act above her and like always expect her trust, which I don't. But like sorry i lied to you, i know that sucks, but you've done it to me so... Anyways, everyone's worried I have something from the cave but like all i've gotten is scuba gear WHICH ISN'T EVEN HELPFUL ANYMORE, LIKE THANKS A LOT TREVOR AND OWEN. I just have the stupid legacy advantage which i don't even know what it is yet but like anyway Leah helped to get Jay to not vote me hopefully, so like go her love you. And then Leah and Jay were like let's go vote Tommy. And I was kinda like well shit how about not bc he's like my numero uno. So then Tommy like outed Jay to Leah and then Leah got paranoid so hopefully she changed her vote to Jay. So yeah. Also Linus' name was thrown in there by someone (idk who) so I kinda convinced him to vote Jay to keep himself safe in the upcoming votes. So hopefully all goes well. I mean if she has an idol then we're kinda fucked but you know life also kinda fucks you up too. It's all about the challenge brochachos.(also like i'm the only asian left. plz keep me in. all the asians of the entire world will love you 5ever)

okay so now jay is coming around saying "hey i've only heard linus and ting ting" like WHAT????? you were just taking to me about how you think you're going and ALSO you're pushing for tommy and you aren't even throwing out either name! i feel kinda bad for everyone they seem really like stressed and shit because jay has literally thrown out everyone as a possible target. i'm kinda lucky that i'm immune and i guess it couldn't have come at a better time but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i still got the feels

Back from the break... I threw immunity to Sam so he owes me like A LOT! Like he owes me his life in this game. Amanda/Ashley/Myself talked about a target and we all agreed on Jay and I gave them tea that Jay was after them. So it's been a crazy turn of events Leah tried to vote me out by telling Jay to vote for me then Jay told Linus and Ting Ting. Jay also mentioned Ting Ting's name and I told her. Also Linus was messaging me about hearing my name and it all turned crazy af. Basically I went back to Leah and told her Jay told me that she was after me and Leah went bizerk, Ting Ting ended up helping me by using her paranoia (or so I think) to get Leah to think Jay was after her. Basically this tribal is just a train wreck and the only people I kind of trust are Sam and Ting Ting. If all 3 of us can survive until Final 6 I think we'll be good for a majority of the game if that's what they want to do as well. This game is crazy af and I have a huge possibility of going home tonight.... I really need Jay out this vote so everything falls into place. I'm just hoping nobody plays an idol on her and I hope I don't go home.

okay this is a call out confession trevor these tribal questions have such an ATTITUDE like WHAT??? i'm ready to fight

"Nothing to win and; Nothing left to lose" -U2 Well damn. It looks like the run of Linus may be coming to it's end, or at best I may be losing my number 1 closest ally in the game :( . If I go home, than Ill be disappointed I never made my big callout move, but I gotta go with the info I have and it looks like laying low is my best chance at not going. If Jay goes and is reading this after, know that I'm sorry and this isn't personal in the slightest.

I dont remember the last thing i wrote so i might be backtracking-- - Ashley told me she has an idol - People think me Ash and Leah are a trio...yikes - Me Ash and Tommy actually have a trio chat....and another chat with Sam included lmfao Now to the vote, this shit is confusing as FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK So me Ashley and Tommy want to vote for Jay, and Ting Ting and Leah came to me wanting to vote for Jay but then Ash heard Ting say Tommy and Jay wants Tommy and IDK WHATS GOING ON ugh i'm so confused I have a really bad feeling that a ton of powers and shit are gonna get played and i'm gonna end up going home. I know Ashley's most likely playing her idol cause she's nervous and that might spark shit and UGH. MY ASS IS PROB GONNA LEAVE CAUSE OF THE CAVE AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY DAMN CHICKEN. Im gonna die. I have a gut feeling. Its the same feeling I had the week Steffen left and its not a good feeling.

#mustlearntoadapt #confessionals