#and uh to have this comparison make sense. i. uh. just might figure out how to fell trees one day like a competent person

[triangulumlights]

Chosen Children Tri Heights (sort of...)

I say sort of because I did my best.

ANYWAY, as we all probably know, there were super helpful official height charts for the chosen children in 02.

This gives us nice specific heights for the older kids and several of the younger kids, although you do need to estimate for some of them (like Hikari, who looks shorter than the 150 cm line, so I personally guess 147 cm for her.) So from this, you can make a nice little height comparison chart online using your comparison chart of choice. I picked heightcomparison.com since I liked that you could choose models.

Fun! This looks about right, so it feels like a good baseline to use for then trying to figure out how to find heights in Tri.

The easiest way, or at least I thought, to do this would be to find something to use as a baseline; someone who stood next to at least one or two of the 02 kids who also stood next to the Tri kids. My first thought, of course, was Gennai, since Gennai (or one of his clones) was near several of the chosen during the world tour arc in 02, and Dark Gennai (or whatever we wanna call this guy) interacts with several of them in Tri. Sounds reasonable, right? Right.

These seemed like pretty reasonable screenshots to work with, since we have three chosen that are both in 02 and Tri. So I slapped a guess into the height comparison chart.

...Immediate issues, unfortunately. Mainly in that although Hikari and Koushirou look okay next to this height guess, Jyou seems too tall. However, when I made Gennai taller, then Kou and Hikari were too short (they're already slightly smaller than they should be here), and since the height difference was only slightly off with Jyou and Gennai I figured this was pretty good.

So onto trying to compare Dark Gennai to someone in Tri, where again, I suffered. Of course Dark Gennai is near several of the chosen, but of course he's a huge creep, so he's not just standing there like a normal person. Of course not.

However, a few things were immediately noticeable. One: he's not that much taller than Jyou, as you can see their proportions are similar. Two: he's not that much taller than Meiko, somehow, but he's also at an angle so looks shorter. Three: he stands next to the railing of the boat the kids hide out on in... Uh... Loss? I think that's the right movie. Anyway.

I thought that, of these, the railing height might be a good place to start. If there was a decent shot of one of the chosen near the same railing, it'd be easy to compare; the railing is about mid-hip on Dark Gennai, so all I'd have to do is figure out how high it is on one of the kids, and trial and error until I got a height. Then I could compare the other chosen to that kid and should be easy.

I should have known better. Alas.

We do, at least, get both Koushirou and Jyou near the railing, but the only clear good shot of one of them standing straight up next to it is at an odd angle.

From this, it looks like the railing around Koushirou's waist/bottom of his ribs, maybe slightly higher. His elbows are bent 90 degrees to use the laptop, though the laptop itself would add a small amount of extra height.

These shots he isn't standing up straight, but they all seem consistent with the railing being at his waist.

There's also a few shots of Jyou that are useful-ish.

Jyou where did the rest of your arm go it doesn't look like it's hanging over the rail it looks gone

The rail looks about belt/top of hip level on Jyou, which makes sense for how much taller he seems to be than Koushirou (Jyou sitting flat on the ground still has his head higher than the rail, while Koushirou kneeling barely comes up to it.) Since we have good-ish estimates for both Kou and Jyou next to the rail, I went ahead and plugged in Dark Gennai's height, then compared 02 Kou and 02 Jyou to him to start off with.

...Huh. This looks... Correct. Mid-hip on Dark Gennai (about 95 cm or so?) is right at waist/lower ribs on Koushirou, and at the top of Jyou's hips. But they can't just be their 02 heights, because Koushirou is now taller than Sora, Takeru, and Mimi in Tri, whereas they were taller than him in 02. So even if those three had stayed the same height, Koushirou must be at least slightly taller than he was in 02. And if you look at where Koushirou and Dark Gennai's elbows would be, it does seem like Koushirou needs to be slightly taller, so maybe we just have a case of anime proportion problems.

But before I mess with Koushirou's height, gotta figure out how much taller than Sora and Takeru he is. Fortunately he stands near both of them in various shots so it's easy to compare, just gotta find some nice shots where the animation is good so it's fair to assume they're on-model, so starting with Kou and Takeru--

That's... Not helpful... Even the still animations from the credits scenes don't match. Tri. Tri why do you do this. I am one of you animation stans (when the animation's good, anyway; I love the style is what I mean) so why must you betray me so?

But okay. Official stills and such mostly put Koushirou slightly taller than Takeru, so that's what I'm going to go with. Now, comparing Kou and Sora, in addition to the group shots above--

It's much more consistent with them; Koushirou's just slightly taller. Takeru is typically shorter than Sora in official art, making the order Takeru < Sora < Koushirou, but probably only a few centimeters between each of them. Whatever. I'm going to do my best.

In 02, Takeru and Sora are the same height, so lets bump up Sora a few cm and Kou a few more cm than that.

This looks pretty good, actually. Assuming Takeru didn't get any taller is fine by me, since he was 11 in 02 and 14 in Tri; he could easily be one of those people that shoots up in intermittent growth spurts, especially since he's pretty tall in 02 comparatively. Additionally, the 02 height chart makes it unclear if it's measuring the top of his head or somewhere in his hat, so he could've actually gotten a little taller since 02 if he was actually shorter than 160 cm.

Anyway. The comparison here between Kou and Dark Gennai still seems alright, so we can work from here. Since I decided to default to the two official credits scenes with the whole group, I'm going to base adding the others from that. The only exception will be for Mimi, since she's consistently close to Sora's height in most of the show and artwork, and one of the credits scenes makes her way shorter due to her pose. Here's what I came up with.

A few particular notes. The height difference between Taichi and Koushirou is not that pronounced in Tri; it's there, but it's not the big difference from 01 and 02. The top of Kou's head is about forehead-height on Taichi. On the other hand, Yamato is distinctly taller than Taichi most of the time, though like with Takeru his height varies. He could be slightly shorter or taller than this. Like I mentioned before Mimi is usually slightly shorter than Sora, with Meiko being slightly taller than Sora, about Koushirou's height. Hikari seems to have had the biggest growth spurt, with the top of her head usually around Sora's forehead or Takeru's eye level. Ish. Again, varies. And then, of course, Jyou is tall; he's not hugely taller than Yamato, but it's noticeable. Mimi comes up to a little higher than his chin. I would add screencaps, but I still need to add Daigo and Maki to the chart and only have one more image left in the post limit.

They're relatively easy to add, since both stand near the kids several times. Daigo is tall but not as tall as I would've guessed; Taichi comes up to his cheekbones, Maki slightly lower. Maki is also taller than Meiko by a noticeable amount, but not a large one. So with them added:

Okay. This is my best guess for heights in Tri, and it leaves them all with a little more room to grow in Kizuna, which I might try to figure out later. Maybe. This was way harder than I thought.

Anyway feel free to disagree and discuss! I just thought this would be fun (and it was, despite the struggle) and maybe useful to people, though the real takeaway from this is that Tri is super inconsistent so really do whatever you want.

#digimon #digimon tri #digimon adventure tri #chosen children #taichi yagami #yamato ishida #sora takenouchi #koushirou izumi #mimi tachikawa #jyou kido #takeru takaishi #hikari yagami #daigo nishijima #maki himekawa #gennai #dark gennai #meiko mochizuki #my posts

[highladyluck]

so uh Vorkosigan, would you recommend it, and if so where do I start, I hear there are reading order issues?

I’m a big fan and I think it would appeal to people who like ‘doing your absolute best to improve and thrive within the unfair constraints you’re given’ as a theme and political milieu. The internal structural storytelling work is particularly fine & makes them very satisfying; structurally they remind me of Diane Diane’s work and that is high praise, she really knows how to build ‘em.

Beyond the obv comparison of Mat Cauthon in his accidentally recruiting the Band of the Red Hand era, it reminds me of a couple series that you might be familiar with or at least have heard of?

Megan Whalen Turner’s King’s Thief series because Miles is essentially a noble rogue fighter & there’s a big focus on culture and politics including the politics of disability, and also because of the enemies to lovers arc.

Arkady Martinez’s Teixcalaanli series in terms of like… coping with an empire you love that doesn’t love you back, and other issues of identity.

Period romances like Pride and Prejudice, and some Georgette Heyer novels (she’s famous for excellent regency romance).

There are a lot of genres including coming of age, adventure, period piece & romance mixed in with the SF, which means you can kind of jump around to suit your mood. It’s a bit like Discworld in that there are multiple potential starting places, but also clear internal arcs that work best if read in chronological order.

I used this guide: https://bookriot.com/vorkosigan-saga-reading-order/ which is mostly chronological with a few exceptions for maximum emotional impact. The guide also explains the omnibus editions (which is part of why it can be confusing to figure out the reading order). Just don’t read in publication order, it makes no sense that way.

I recommend starting with Shards of Honor and then Barrayar if you want to start at the beginning, you want a female POV character, and you are in the mood for some great enemies to lovers romance. (This is the story of Miles’s parents.)

If you’re more in the mood for ‘coming of age adventure where a young man with many problems accidentally recruits a mercenary army’, you can start with The Warrior’s Apprentice and then The Vor Game. (The series is mostly about Miles so this is the ‘straight to the main character please’ version.)

There are some content warnings for sexual assault in Shards of Honor (I’d put it at around the Robert Jordan balance of explicit description vs implication) and sooooo many content warnings for Mirror Dance (physical and psychological torture including sexual assault & exacerbation of a character’s binging and purging eating disorder- it’s handled well but it is more explicit & goes farther than what happens in Shards of Honor.) Komarr has domestic abuse (emotional). Lots of heavy stuff but it is dealt with in a thoughtful and nuanced way, and characters have chances to heal afterwards.

Your library probably has them in physical and ebook form, and you can also find them for around 6-8 per novel as ebooks (the omnibus editions are a better deal as ebooks). A used bookstore with an SF section probably has one or two as well, they’ve been around for 35 years.

#ask #vorkosigan saga

[incognito-lionbeast]

@cum-villain​​

He did!! Whether it’s in a Creator vs Creation sorta way or a Genuine Liking sorta way (hint: it’s both), he wanted to help... and really, if Shang Qinghua thinks about it too hard, I feel like he may come upon the realisation about how uh. kinda similar Shen Qingqiu & Cucumber-bro are in some ways. Once again, his thoughts drift back to the fact that Luo Binghe was initially a self-insert...

&& yeah, Binghe is having The Most Time Ever, but so is Shen Qingqiu. They are in this together! That’s the important part, probably.

He might try whining to Mobei-Jun about it, but Mobei-Jun actually knew about this before he did and is frankly? more-or-less unmoved. If not because this legitimately Does Not Affect Him the same way it does Luo Binghe ‘coz Shang Qinghua’s literally been the same person the entire time they’ve known each other... though, he was briefly concerned by the tidbit RE the alternate version of him killing Shang Qinghua.

.....though only briefly, because it also strengthens the perception of how loyal THIS Shang Qinghua is. Like, that being the case, then wouldn’t it have made more sense to kill Mobei-Jun early on? After all, Shang Qinghua had several chances. Yet, he didn’t. This pleases him.

Anyway! Sorry, Binghe. You can still whine to him & he will be obliged to listen on account of being your subordinate. So, you have that going for you?

Somehow this man managed to actually run Qing Jing Peak without much trouble, fooling everyone, including himself, into believing that he was a qualified instructor. And yet. Cannot comprehend the concept of Being Gay. It’s almost comical. Yet, Shen Jiu finds this especially annoying -- like he has just as many issues RE sexuality! But dear lord.

There’s something about it that makes Shen Jiu feel well-adjusted by comparison. Like! The subject may make him incredibly uncomfortable, but at least he notices & acknowledges these things. In other people, anyway. Jury’s out on how long it takes for Shen Jiu to figure himself out.

THEY SURE AREN’T! Although, Qiong Ding peak’s disciples aren’t fairing much better. Though Shen Jiu’s warned Yue Qingyuan against favouritism... he’s still? Happier? Around this strange, new & oddly unsociable disciple. And Liu-shishu keeps stopping by to talk to him? ??? Probably to the point of also trying to get him to spar, since--yeah, Shen Jiu’s new body does need training to rebuild what used to be muscle memory.

Everyone is confused.

& they do spend time together, yeah! Though, mostly because Shen Qingqiu seeks him out. I don’t think the reverse happens much -- not because he finds Shen Yuan inherently detestable (like personality-wise)? It’s just, well. Luo Binghe is a factor, for sure, and it’s overall very complicated. Still, Shen Qingqiu can’t help trying & god help Shen Jiu when it’s both Shen Qingqiu AND Liu Qingge (or really any other combination, but SQQ & LQG are the most egregious).

This does not help anyone’s confusion.

I feel like there must be some sort of betting pool among the disciples on which of the Peak Lords this new guy is secretly dating. They can come up with no other explanation & Shen Jiu may be slightly dying inside.

#RE tag typo: yeee I gotchu #I was like ''that's not right'' lmfao #AND LIKE you could reply in text #but I think you just like making me work for it :P #(teasing) #SVSSS #Shang Qinghua #Luo Binghe #Shen Qingqiu #Shen Jiu #SJ AU

[jyngerpeach]

Midnight Snack (ch. 2/2)

Complete!

Father Paul x reader

Explicit (nsfw! 18+)

total words: 4397

It had only been an hour since the hottest, most debauched almost-sex of your life, so despite all your misgivings, the scorching pang of desire once again floods your body with full force the instant he makes contact with your skin.

"What if Be--" you start, but he anticipates your question.

"I was very insistent she go home. After what happened, I expected I would, ah, need to be alone."

--

As you scamper down the back stairs of St. Patrick's to the tree where you had propped your bicycle, your brain is reeling with a million thoughts, all of them drowned out by a resounding, "What!?"

What was that?

You were seconds away from being fucked from behind by the island's hot priest, that's what.

Guilt for some tawdry little fantasies paled in comparison to the guilt you felt now for actually tempting a man of the cloth. But wasn't he the one who launched himself at you? There was no hesitance in the way his tongue explored your mouth, or how he arranged your body on and under that pew.

You couldn't make sense of it.

You are positively soaked through your underwear, pulse still pounding between your legs, so you opt to steer your bike hurriedly along the gravel path on foot, away from the church, as you consider what to do.

Going home isn't an option because you are in no way prepared to explain this to Erin. And you certainly can't stay for mass--God no. Your best bet seems to wait until he goes home after the service and insist you talk. It's only an hour.

You thought that would give you enough time to work out some form of an apology, but you were so curious to find out what he might have to say that you never quite got to any specifics. Secretly you hoped that he might, uh, take charge of the situation.

Just before 9:00, you disappear into a shadow near the rec center to stake out the church as the parishioners disperse. A few minutes later, Bev emerges, and your eyes instinctively narrow as you watch her close up. But your gaze is suddenly pulled away by Father Paul's lanky figure swiftly exiting from the back and beelining to the rectory, still in his chasuble. He slams the door shut behind him, and after checking for any lingering churchgoers or self-righteous cockblocks, you slink your way to the priest's front porch.

Now that you're here your nerves have suddenly caught up with you. You take a shuddery breath and knock, mustering up a thin veneer of confidence.

Paul answers before you can even back away. As soon as he recognizes you, he firmly grabs your forearm and pulls you inside, latching the door behind you and drawing the curtains. He immediately takes a few large steps backward, the living area a chasm between you.

Okay… Understandable, you suppose. He's now stripped down to his priest blacks and collar--that little patch of white that exists only to taunt you.

But once you get the chance to really look at him, you notice a light sheen of sweat covers his ashy forehead. His hair is disheveled like he'd raked his hands through it, stray tendrils sticking to the dampness of his face. He looks quite unwell, and--fuck--you're sure that it's your fault. Whatever got him through mass must have been an act of God.

"Father Paul, I--" He raises a hand to stop you.

"Whatever you came here to say, I have to insist on apologizing first." He grimaces a little, clearly having a hard time hiding his discomfort. You can't help the sinking in your stomach at the thought of causing him grief.

His eyes dart back and forth somewhere above your head. The door. He's regretting ever letting you inside.

"No, I'm sorry," you smile weakly. "But we're adults. I think we can discuss it."

What was there to discuss? That what had transpired was a very welcome realization of what you came to confess, and now your feelings are even more complicated? That he left you a wanton mess and you wanted nothing more than to try again? You were starting to wish you had firmed up the script in your head, because he was certainly not taking the lead here.

You gesture innocently toward the small gray couch, unaware that there is a battle raging inside him. Father Paul looks reluctant, but takes a tentative step forward.

With each foot he closes between you, the exhaustion grows. The weariness of fighting against these urges that have been testing him, washing over him anew as the dull drumming of your heartbeat gets louder in his ears. He thinks of how good it felt to let himself succumb to you earlier this evening.

He sits, running his sweaty palms atop his long thighs.

Incredibly good.

So he decides to give in again.

His hand shoots out to grab your wrist before you can cross the room to the chair. You turn to look down into his face and are met with eyes that have once again turned into dark gulfs of unmistakable desire.

Oh. This was happening.

It had only been an hour since the hottest, most debauched almost-sex of your life, so despite all your misgivings, the scorching pang of desire once again floods your body with full force the instant he makes contact with your skin.

"What if Be--" you start, but he anticipates your question.

"I was very insistent she go home. After what happened, I expected I would, ah, need to be alone." Your face flushes hot at the implication.

He swallows thickly. "But I'm glad you're here."

You didn't need any more convincing.

His eyes are on you as you peel off your cardigan and underwear and snake your bra out from underneath your tank top. You hike up your skirt as you haul yourself over his lap so you are straddling his groin, your laced boots dangling behind you over the edge of the cushioned seat. Locking his gaze, you raise a hand to hook his clerical collar under your finger and give it a gentle pull, popping it free. Next you undo a button, then another, before diving in to kiss the exposed column of his throat.

He stiffens slightly, and you think there's a docility to Paul now that certainly wasn't there earlier. The delirious, animalistic urgency replaced by measured restraint. As if to confirm your observations, his fingers flex to tighten their grip on your waist, and his eyes squeeze shut. He sucks in a shaky breath that crescendos to a gasp of shock when you experimentally grind your swollen cunt against the hardness in his pants.

You're still so, so wet from earlier, and the thought of anointing his clerical uniform with your juices pitches you deeper into your dizzying tailspin of lust. Too bad he isn't still wearing the chasuble.

The friction with the fabric is nice, but you need to feel him.

You sit back on your knees and, free of any material obstructions, eagerly release him from his slacks. This time you can admire him fully. Your eyes widen at the length and subtle curve of him; even more wetness pools between your legs. You're thrilled by the privilege of knowing that a priest was gifted with such a beautiful cock, and you felt the need to tell him, in case no one ever had before.

"Father, you are blessed," you breathe, running your thumb over the tip. He whimpers quietly, impatient.

You can't disagree--you certainly won't be denied this opportunity again--so you waste no time lining him up with your entrance and sinking fully down onto him. One of your hands wraps delicately around the nape of his neck, the other gripping the back of the couch. When you reach the hilt, your breath exits yours lungs with a huff. You're so tight, and you intuitively squeeze yourself around him before relishing how the delicious stretch sends warmth flooding to the surface of your skin.

With each inch you take of him, Paul's brow furrows deeper in concentration, as if he's focused very hard on something, his lips moving soundlessly in silent prayer. Based on your experience in the pews, it was extremely unlikely Paul had never been with a woman before, but it seemed fair to guess it has been a very long time. You wonder if he's trying to make sure he lasts.

You set a slow pace, sliding along him in deep, full strokes that make you pant.

But it's not enough, you can't shake this dichotomy. Where was the depraved man from only an hour ago? The one who sent a shiver through you as he pressed you into the floor, ready to use you to fulfill some unspoken need?

"Paul." It's not a question, and his full attention snaps back to you. "Fuck me like you were going to on that church floor. Make me come until I can see God."

The corner of his lip quirks upward and there's that momentary glimmer in his eyes again. There he is.

The weariness vanishes as his mouth finds yours, melding your lips together with a growl. The hunger is back, and it hits you both like a shot of adrenaline to the heart.

He yanks up your top to grope your breast, one large palm massaging its weight. You arch your back, giving him access to suck fervently at your other nipple, and a gratified groan rises up from his throat. He's getting needier by the second; pinching your aching bud between his teeth, fingers squeezing handfuls flesh, hips bucking up to meet your movements on his cock.

Your nails press sharp little crescents into the skin of his neck and he sucks in through his teeth. Your head falls forward and you stifle your moans into his shoulder.

"There's no need…to be quiet…anymore," he grunts between thrusts. "Let me hear you, angel."

At this, you let yourself fall apart; the sound of your own crazed mewling twisting the corkscrew within you.

Still, you need to be closer somehow, so you crush your breasts against his body, pressing the rest of your torso into him. His hand wanders upward, long fingers splaying out across your throat and pushing your chin back slightly.

His open mouth grazes your collarbone and moves up into the soft, sensitive hollow of your neck, the sensation of his tongue there sending you teetering toward your peak, moans climbing in pitch and volume.

"Hail Mary, Mother of God…pray for us sinners now--"

His recitation is punctuated by gasps as he feels you clench around him with your approaching climax and he sees your heartbeat visibly thrumming before him, inches away, just under the skin, thin as tissue.

"--and at the hour…of our death."

Your attempt to respond with an "Amen" is cut off by your own cry as you feel your walls flutter wildly around him. But Paul shows no sign of slowing down. He just keeps fucking you, and the sensation never has a chance to diminish--you're cresting one wave of ecstasy as you feel yourself rolling right into another, this next orgasm hitting you like an avalanche.

"Forgive me," he murmurs under your screams as his teeth break the skin.

The searing sting of his bite sends the pleasure center of your brain into warp drive. Your vision spots over with lightning-white stars, and you can barely even register the feeling of his mouth, moving lasciviously against open skin for what could be a few seconds or a few minutes, you have no idea.

Eventually your body sags in his arms and your head gets swimmy. You think it's the usual post-orgasm comedown as your senses struggle to catch up to your brain, everything obstructed by cotton that's slowly sprouting in your ears. But when he pulls back to look at you and you see the glistening burgundy liquid smeared across his lips, you know it's more than that.

Blackness creeps into the corners of your vision, swallowing first the room, then his face, until the only thing left are his eyes--two shining gold coins floating in the darkness.

#midnight mass #fanfic #father paul x reader #father paul hill #monsignor pruitt #hamfam #in which father paul is feral (part 2)

[firethekitty]

hi!! so they never could quite get the portal to amphibia open enough to travel between, even with a Lot of power, without using the calamity box's power

so I think the logic there is that try as they might, technology vastly needs to improve before they can figure out stable cross-dimensional travel, bc like there's no guarantee they can make a 2-way portal?

plus, the girls need to live their lives apart from, and due to their time in amphibia, to figure out who they are, and their place in their world without magic powers and destiny

hey!!! so it was brought to my attention that anne lost all of her powers when the gems broke, which i genuinely didn’t know but maybe that’s bc i just couldn’t see the screen through my tears :(

not being able to make a portal with earth technology alone is definitely a valid and understandable reason why they can’t make it back. but it’s still nagging at me that the box and the gems like. existed in the first place? i said this before, but i think the writers made the ending too complicated for their own good. anne meeting god, seeing that there are objectively multiple universes, anne just flat out turning down Literally Becoming God. it’s like. bro. just ask for another one. You Met God bro you should’ve just asked for more gems or something!!! idk!!!!!

if they left that part as vague as possible i would (begrudgingly) accept a permanent cut between earth and amphibia. i get the whole message being loss and change, but if it doesn’t make a ton of sense in your story then it just feels kinda forced you know? change is universal and constant and close relationships sometimes end but it’s not always the end-all-be-all. it just reminds me of the how to train your dragon 3 ending, where the writers purposefully made things as heart-wrenching as possible when they didn’t really. have to.

a good comparison i’ve been making is gravity falls. the summer ended and the twins went back to school. that is an inevitable change that mabel tried to keep the same and it didn’t work!she didn’t want change so she tried to stop it and despite it all they still ended up going back home. but that makes sense because there were no godlike powers involved with them, at the end of the day it’s just 2 kids going back to school when summer ends. and the “see you next summer” note, while incredibly bittersweet, is all i needed to see. i sobbed my goddamn eyes out but i was satisfied! i know these shows are different but i can’t help but compare them as they have the same message of “things change and you can’t do anything about it.”

i think it’s also just personal. i’m autistic and i absolutely Despise change. despite my qualms with it, the ending was extraordinarily mature and kids of course need to realize that not everything can be perfect all the time. you might not talk to a dear friend anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still love them with every fiber of your being. that’s a beautiful message for sure

but even without a physical portal i’m still a firm believer that the phone should’ve come into play!! why would she give her phone to sprig otherwise? if she wanted to give him a personal keepsake, i can think of a ton of other things she could’ve given him. that is anne’s only physical tie to amphibia and i think somewhere down the line amphibia could learn to understand and utilize radio and reception so they can at least communicate through that! that’s more of a genuine, less personal problem i have with the narrative. like this is a world that has a giant robot army, magic is just an objective fact, but they can’t understand Phone. uh ok..

i think i would’ve been totally satisfied if they just ended with a little hint that the phones could work inter-dimensionally. in fact i wrote a fic about it already LOL. it’s a show about talking frogs, i just don’t think it’s imperative that it’s as realistic as possible

OK i think i’m actually done complaining about this for now 😳 thank you for helping me get my thoughts out!

#this is so long lmao sorry #ask #talking #amphibia #amphibia spoilers #mus-rattus-angelique #long post

[thingswhatareawesome]

1.6 thoughts, spoilery

i liked the trl continuation, it was a fun little mystery, and i like how spooky and creepy the abandoned space station areas were. kind of did that ambiance even better than the heliobi event areas. the critter stuff was v cute, and i liked it didn't take long to do, just a couple evenings for me. fairly simple but still fun.

rm is a fucking mad scientist. just fascinating how helpful and nice she's seemed, and how she's so calm, serene, graceful--but also obsessed and really WEIRD. not just wanting to create life, but an eminator of the swarm jfc what NO. good lord. also, the whole not giving a shit about her creations if they're not geniuses is uh, a tiny bit on the eugenics side so yeah.

constrasting her with ratio is interesting. he's arrogant, smarmy, cheesy, but is sort of an opposite in not wanting genius to be deified. yeah he hates dealing with stupid people, but it seems more like his attitude about it is to educate and spread knowledge, and so a non-genius can just do for themselves without needing geniuses. i wasn't expecting to like him super much esp with potential connections to ipc, but honestly he amuses me and rm scares the hell out of me now. so much for the so helpful person from the sim u.

have tried and cleared gold and gears I and II, attempted III twice only to fail on last boss both times (once messing with prop path, then using guide recommended remembrance). close the first time, super close the second time but a small mistake avalanched. went back to II, figure i need to do get clears using certain dice at that rank anyway, and i obv need to get more points for the track that buffs stats and such. have tried a mix of teams with fire mc and luocha--with combos of argenti, dhil, and jing yuan, then today with a recommended team of the first two and jl and dhil. when i'm ready to try III again i'll do that team then with abundance path instead, per the same guide.

idk this makes a little more sense than how swarm was presented? but once i get the erudition path i think i'll be able to go back and make sense of swarm better. i think it might feel easier in comparison maybe too. but yeah once i get clears on III idk if i'll go on to IV. definitely won't ever be bothering with V. my goal is really just the erudition path, not to be completionist, even with the rewards

(doesn't help i'm already v tired of this new sim u anyway, i don't like *having* to grind normal sim u every week as it is, at least it's not got 'finish in x turns' stuff like fh, but it still stresses me out a lot. and my brain does NOT do well with do x grind thing over and over and over and over x1000 when it takes a long time. grind calyxes? fine, takes minutes i'm done. sim u grinding taking what like 45m to an hour is like...god that sucks. esp if i try to do multiples. it's SO goddamned much time. i need to be able to do things in short bursts, or to have a long grind be like on you do it a couple times a week. not over and over every evening for who knows how long. ugh. gonna be hard to keep myself doing it but i want to actually get the path this time.)

put some work in on building blade, but it might go slower bc esp with g and g i need to finish caelus' main fire trace at the least if not all, maybe alternate him and blade main and stats for at least some variety on crimson calyx farming. hopefully i get done with that by the time ratio shows up @__@ looks like hanya and xueyi will be waiting a bit.

#please ignore my sr bs #1.6 spoilers

[phe-purple-parade]

Kinda mad about how adhd and asd were once described to me by a therapist (the psychologist who assessed/diagnosed my adhd) as 'often described as not seeing the trees from the forest / forest from the trees'. First of all the wording is so off I do not remember which is which, I am struggling. Secondly (even when explained) this is using figurative language which is literally one of the things I'm diagnosed as likely struggling with. Thirdly, as the therapist pointed out, what does that mean for when there's both (they're more likely to co-occur than be separate, right?)? They said something like 'I think it's interesting to see how those two ideas fit together' but uh yeah now I'm trying to extend the metaphor to make it describe my brain and then I doubt that I'm even doing this right because extended metaphors tend to fall apart and

Hhhhhhhhhghhhh

Like, my asd is seeing a tree and its details and can't see the whole forest, yeah. But my adhd sees a forest and can't make out an individual tree? Apparently? I would think it's more like I'm looking at one tree at a time but I can't always choose which tree I'm looking at and I might be darting around to different trees and

Gosh idk

It's kinda describing different things for each like the same metaphor is being used for different aspects? And then we mistakenly equate them when they can actually complement?

Like... I see the forest and don't know how to navigate to focusing on just one tree because there's So Much going on. I might be looking at one tree and then another, darting, or I might just be stuck. Then when I do choose a tree, I get so caught up in its details that I struggle to see its whole form, all its branches, and the other trees around it, even if I know the other trees are there.

I see the forrest but I don't see the mountains that the forest is part of?

Sometimes I see the tree and its details, sometimes only the tree, sometimes only the forest, sometimes an overwhelming mix but very rarely the whole picture. But can anyone see a full forest AND the individual trees and their details all at once? Is that possible? Or is it just that they can choose and I can't? I have less control over it? Do I think I'm seeing the whole forest when I'm only seeing a full tree? Do I think I'm seeing all the individual trees when it's actually only the forest? I don't know none of this makes sense this crap hurts my brain and it makes no sense I strongly dislike this stupid comparison

#idk maybe i just need to find a better explanation maybe im not remembering it well maybe it wasn't explained well #maybe it doesn't make sense in the first place maybe neurotypical ppl made it up maybe i should focus on stuff said by other nd ppl maybe i #maybe i shouldn't be questioning my entire perception of everything based on a silly little comparison that isn't even helpful #i don't have to spend time/energy trying to decode or resolve a mess of a problem that i didn't design or agree to be tested with #hh #brain dump #m's brain

[thisisasupergoodidea]

i knew there was a likelihood one of these days, and it looks like today was it, when my body would utterly ignore the signals of tiredness to stay up and watch critical role for like 20 hours (not consecutively of course, i make sure to get up every once in a while for a chore and stuff otherwise my ass would permanently deflate)

i obviously am loving it, but, its uh. certainly re-reminding me that im complete shit at choosing my coping mechanisms. because the reason i love it is for all the things i experience vicariously through the players who have what i dont. a tight knit group of friends. time spent together to goof off and share little victories and failures and whatnot. incredible emotional connection. great hair. yknow. its very fun to sit here and watch all that happening, i dont regret it or anything. i just. become bleakly and soberly aware of how fucked my own life is for every day that i tuck into my laptop to absorb any amount of the joy of other peoples camaraderie. while spending no time founding sources of joy from within me

but if theres anything in that to feel positive about, its the fact that im well assured that i want those things now. friends, shared time, emotions, (hair care), these are all attainable goals. i can visualize and look forward to them. im running out of time for a lot of things but i have years and years to build a joy like the one that i currently can only glean from others

#im fully aware that this is a very losery-nobody thing to say. its true i know #my mom bought me a decent amount of uber credit for my birthday. called it the gift of freedom bc i still cant drive yet #ive been on groupon and whatnot trying to think of a safe inexpensive lil adventure i could go on to test the waters #no luck yet but tbh im thinkin about maybe like a class or activity or somethin where interaction is encouraged. it would be nice #the past month or two has been garbage. pure shit. almost a complete regression back to college levels of isolation #only im not even using tumblr as my outlet anymore im just binging unhealthy levels of critical role with a lame desperation #not one single step closer to finding a job. and totally stopped writing/brainstorming ages ago. its not been a good time #except of course for when im watching CR because thats mostly fantastic. and the times that i am watching it is most of the time #so really just all of the time that is my own life is shitty. unsurprising for sure for sure for sure for sure #its cool. its fine. guess im hoping for a divine fucking miracle or something at this point but its like yeah. yeah #and you know another cool thing about me doing this to myself is that i dont ever. EVER get enough of a rest #just binging from whenever i wake up to whenever my spine cannot physically hold my head upright anymore #its ridiculously radical to feel that shame and disappointment in the back of my brain even as im momentarily entertained #laughing and clapping and getting emotional with the people on my computer screen and feeling bitterness for myself as well #KNOWING that even though i love what im seeing its hardly even a bandaid on this deep emptiness. its like #trying to bridge a rift with 7 twigs and some ribbon. its something to give my attention to. and it will never fix whats wrong #but god damn it the ribbon is pretty and id rather die playing with sticks than flinging myself to the void in defeat #and uh to have this comparison make sense. i. uh. just might figure out how to fell trees one day like a competent person? sure #i talk about life n stuff

[from-a-reckless-writer]

here's me jumping into the bandwagon :D

(read on ao3)

It's just after sunset when Kara finally gives in. She veers off from her patrol down to a route she knows by heart.

The moment she lands, the first thing she notices is how the sliding doors are a fraction open. It’s a small thing, nothing to even be thrilled about, yet still, her drumming heart cannot be helped.

"Knock, knock," she says, stepping inside.

Her heart turning anxious when she takes in the sight in front of her. The room is a mess; books on the floor, drawers open, Lena’s frazzled appearance. She's standing over a suitcase thrown open in the middle of the bed, a mountain of clothes on top of it.

She was told that Lena was going on a trip, that it would probably take three weeks tops.

Packing for a trip doesn’t look like this, this looks a lot like... leaving.

Going on a trip, Kara remembers that’s what her family told her too.

You and Kal are going on a trip but you don’t have to worry, we’ll be with you the rest of the way, they told her.

A trip implies there would be a home to come back to. And Kara believed it. She believed it for a total of ten seconds before her planet exploded and a shard of her home knocked her off-course.

"Need some help?" Her voice doesn’t tremble. Kara considers that a miracle, really.

"I didn't know Supergirl helped poor hapless women pack suitcases,” Lena retorts, walking over to her and kissing her cheek in greeting. It doesn't go unnoticed by Kara how clingy Lena's been since she's been back.

"Well, I wouldn’t exactly consider you poor and hapless," Kara counters.

"I may have had a slight,” Lena pinches her thumb and forefinger together, “panic over which and what to pack earlier.”

Yeah, Kara can definitely see that.

"Good thing I’m here then?”

"It's always good whenever you're around,” Lena says in such a casual way and it’s like the past year didn’t happen. As if it has always been this good. And...is this even allowed? This much affection from Lena? All the sweet words, the gentle touches, and the constant close proximity? It shouldn’t be allowed, not if it will be taken from her almost immediately after.

Unfair, is what it is.

******

“Okay, so why don’t we just move this out here yeah?” Kara voices, leaning over and hugging the lump of clothes to her chest, dumps it out from the suitcase and onto Lena’s pillows.

Lena’s fabric conditioner filling Kara’s senses entirely. For a brief moment, she considers stealing one of Lena’s shirts then and there. Something to tide her through once Lena leaves.

“Great. You’re on folding duty then,” Lena declares, “I’ll just go sort my babies, quickly. I’ll be right back.”

(Her 'babies' being the thick books lining every inch of this place.)

Lena disappears through the door. The domesticity of it all pulling at Kara’s chest.

In another world, where life ran a little differently, Kara would be packing their suitcases for a trip to Argo, or maybe one of the planets she’s always wanted Lena to see, or maybe it’d be nothing that grand. Maybe, just a trip back to Midvale. Lena would read to her on the whole drive there, her hair whipping from the winds down coastal roads.

Maybe not even a trip. Maybe in this other world, she’s assigned on folding duty, while Lena tinkers around their house. Maybe, even a dog or a cat. Maybe, something small at first, just an aquarium of fishes.

She doesn’t notice how deep into the fantasy she’s gotten till Lena speaks up from the door.

"My, my, CatCo would pay a million dollars to see this."

"Uh-"

"Supergirl found in bed, folding Lena Luthor's undies."

Kara looks down at her hand. She’s holding a lacy purple panty, she spots the matching bra laying a few inches away. She drops it lightning quick, feels her face flush.

"Oh, Rao. Lena, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to- I wasn't- It was just there and I-"

"Relax, Kara. I was just teasing,” Lena reassures her, she’s got three books tucked in her arms, she lays them down on the bed, before picking up the underwear Kara’s dropped and folding it neatly.

The contrast of the dark fabric against Lena’s pale fingers makes Kara flush an even brighter red.

Kara tries hard to exclude Lena's lacy panties in her fantasy.

She fails.

******

They give up on packing entirely two hours later. An all out pillow fight breaks out somewhere between Kara fishing out her favorite hoodie from the pile--discovering t'was not in fact missing like she thought it was--and Lena denying that she stole it.

They’ve fallen right on top of Lena’s clothes. Laying opposite each other, Lena lying upside down, her feet propped up on the pillows, toes touching the headboard, whilst Kara’s legs dangle at the end of the bed. Their heads close together.

From this angle, she can see the defined slope of Lena’s nose; stares at the way her lashes curl every time she blinks.

“So, what do you think you’ll find there?” Kara breathes out into the silence.

“I don’t really know,” Lena whispers.

“Let me rephrase then; what do you want to find?”

“I- I don’t know either.”

She tries to crane her neck to take a better look at Lena. Her eyes are closed, and it takes every ounce of self-control for Kara not to lean over and just press a kiss to Lena’s lips. It would be so, so easy. She settles for shifting just a bit closer instead, their temples touching.

It’s good enough.

“That’s okay," Kara murmurs, "not knowing is part of the adventure, right?”

She tries not to think about how she isn’t really part of this adventure. It isn’t about her, really. Kara’s decided the next three days will be about Lena. Kara will have time for breaking down once Lena leaves. The three days pales in comparison to how much Lena’s sacrificed in getting her back.

“I guess so.” she hears Lena say.

On the ceiling, Kara sees two shadows dancing with each other, tries not to look too deep into it.

And then,

“I had Jess trace down a couple of documents for me,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. There’s an orphanage that could help me, she thinks.”

Kara’s ears perk up at that, she imagines Lena as a small child crying for her mom and then being whisked away from everything she ever knew. Kara wishes she could hold that little girl’s hand. Why did nobody hold Lena’s hand through it all? Kara wonders if somebody did, would Lena even have met her? Would she have needed somebody like Kara in her life? She likes to believe that Lena would still have met her. A reality without Lena was too painful, Kara knows all too well.

“Is that where you’re going to visit first?”

“Yeah.”

A brief silence engulfs them.

“Hey, Kara,” Lena calls out. “Do you think-”

There’s a deep exhale and a sigh.

“Do I think what?”

“Do you think my mom would want me to find her again? Do you think she’s proud of me?”

The question was so full of uncertainty and insecurity and there's nothing that Kara wants more than to just wrap around Lena and tell her how goddamn amazing she is.

“Oh, Lena," Kara whispers, "your mom would be so happy if you found her. I’d even say she’s been waiting for you. And of course, she’s proud of you!” Kara sits up at this, can’t contain all her awe for Lena.

“You’re amazing! Have you met you? Your mom would be so proud of you. I just know it, Lena.”

Lena opens her eyes, smiles shyly at her, reaches up to cup Kara’s cheek. Even though the angle is awkward, Kara feels her entire being light up at the touch.

“Thank you. You always know just what to say.”

Kara's right hand comes up to keep Lena’s hand steady, before tilting slowly to press a kiss to her palm.

She registers the up-tick in her heartbeat before letting go and laying back down again.

Kara’s beginning to understand, now. Lena doesn’t want to wonder anymore, maybe if she knew where she came from, who she could’ve been, and what kind of life she could’ve led, existing wouldn’t be as hard as it is now. Maybe Lena wanted to know that a Luthor isn’t all that she is. Even though Kara has repeated again and again that she is so much more. Lena needs to figure that out for herself, Kara guesses.

Maybe, Lena finally needs a name other than what has been ingrained in her. Maybe Lena needs to name the parts of herself she never had before.

“Maybe you came from a family of thieves,” Kara murmurs, closing her eyes too.

“Kara.” she feels Lena shift, she opens one eye to see Lena propped on her elbows leaning over her. “Are you saying you think being a hoodie thief is genetic?”

“You never know, Lena you never know,” Kara manages to say, her brain a loop of, Lena’s eyes are so pretty, so pretty, so pretty, her hair smells so nice, please kiss me, please kiss-

Kara closes her eyes again to make the chanting stop.

“You do know I'm a scientist, right?”

“Mm. Doesn’t make you any less of a hoodie thief.”

That earns her a pillow on the face.

“Personally, I think you’re some lost princess though," Kara divulges.

Lena lets out a loud incredulous laugh at that.

“What?" Lena blurts out, "You think I’m a princess?”

There’s a cheesy pick-up line there somewhere that Kara chooses to ignore.

“Well, you have the whole Snow White look down to a T, after all. Pale skin, dark hair. The whole ensemble really.”

"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this," Lena groans, “but, I think you might be right. God, I even have the whole evil stepmother-stepbrother dynamic down. Does that make you one of my dwarfs?”

“Dwarf? Really? Lena, really?”

She’s glad to learn that Lena had picked up a thing or two from their Disney marathons. That doesn’t mean Kara appreciates being called a dwarf though. She sits up and leans back on her elbows too; their faces inches from each other now. Lena’s eyes gleaming with mischief.

“You turn into Grumpy when someone eats your ice cream.”

Kara gasps, clutches her heart as if wounded and falls down dramatically. Lena just laughs at her, lies down again before asking, “Think I’ll find Prince Charming there, then?”

“You don’t need Prince Charming.”

I’m right here.

“True,” Lena agrees. Lena doesn’t need anybody, although would it really hurt if she says that she needed Kara the way Kara needs her?

“Ireland seems like the best place to run off into the sunset though," Lena wonders aloud.

“Is that what you wanna do?” Kara asks, “Just run off into the sunset?”

Because, because, if it is, I can do something even better. I can fly you off into the sunset. All you have to do is ask. Her heart is galloping in her chest and she’s grateful that out of the two of them, she’s the only one with super hearing.

“No, I don’t think so,” Lena answers and Kara lets out a none too subtle breath of relief.

“You don’t have to search for a home, you know,” Kara whispers. She just- She just needs Lena to know this, okay?

“I know,” Lena answers. “I still need to do this though.”

Once Lena Luthor makes up her mind there’s no changing it, it’s something Kara’s come to know through the years.

“You’ll come back soon though?”

“Maybe. Honestly, Kara? I don’t really know about ‘soon’. How close is ‘soon’ anyway? Would there even be a good reason for me to come back?”

How Kara held her all screams in the moment Lena said that, she doesn’t know.

******

There are balloons and cake and confetti but it doesn’t feel anything remotely close to a party.

It feels more something along the lines of, train wreck and heartbreak and building on fire. In short, disaster.

She vaguely registers Kelly asking her to hover and hang the banner. Why would she want to hang a banner screaming “We”ll Miss You!” in glittering blue? Kara grabs the ends of it and hangs it up anyway.

We’ll Miss You doesn't even begin to cover Kara’s feelings about Lena’s departure and oncoming absence.

But then again, this isn’t about her.

The door buzzes before Kara can spiral down her blackhole again.

Andrea comes in through the door with a bottle of champagne, which she hands off to Kara along with her coat. Kara fumbles after Andrea.

This isn’t CatCo! I’m not your employee! And champagne? Really? What is there to celebrate?

Lena arrives shortly after and streamers are let out. They make in-jokes and everyone’s laughing and Alex keeps telling Lena to bring home ‘some of the good stuff’ and Brainy keeps asking if he’s allowed to tinker with Lena’s projects while she's away, and Nia’s handing Lena an old film camera, “Document everything for me? Alright?" and Kara’s trying, she really, really is.

Even though she can’t understand how all of them are happy and smiling at the thought of Lena leaving them.

She doesn’t even notice what she’s doing till she’s bracing herself for take-off out in Lena’s balcony, when a hand lands on her wrist.

“Hey.” Lena anchors her back to the ground. It’s a mistake to turn and meet Lena’s eyes.

“Stay? Please?” Lena asks.

Unfair, Kara thinks again. It’s unfair that she gets to ask that.

******

Kara stays.

She stays till the lights are off, the blankets drawn and Lena’s snoring in her arms.

She’s eyeing the suitcase at the corner of the room.

I forgive you, she thinks, I forgive you for taking my heart in the suitcase you packed.

She didn’t even know it was trapped inside till Lena’s zipping everything up and Kara couldn’t breathe.

“Please, please, don’t go,” she pleads into the dark. .

Lena shifts, mumbles incoherently and burrows deeper into Kara.

******

The runway is shimmering after the early morning drizzle, and Lena Luthor looks like someone from a magazine, standing there in her velvet coat and aviators. There’s only the two of them, and there’s a smug pride in Kara about the fact that Lena didn’t want anybody here but her.

She’s leaving today. In a few hours, they’ll be on different continents. Kara wouldn’t be able to trace her heartbeat anymore. Lena made her promise not to chase the plane. She’s still pretty bummed about that.

“You know I’m gonna call you everyday, right?” Kara mutters in her ear, arms wrapped tight around Lena.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from Kara Danvers.” Lena squeezes back, before pulling away.

“G-good.”

“Well, this is my ride,” Lena tells her, gestures to the jet behind her. “This is goodbye then.”

“For now.” Kara insists.

“For now.” Lena confirms, “Goodbye, for now.”

She turns to go but Kara can’t-

“Lena, wait.”

She tugs on Lena’s hand and she comes back to her willingly. Before Kara loses the nerve, she presses into Lena’s lips. She cups her face gently, feels the warmth of the sun on her cheeks, feels the moment Lena’s brain catches up to what’s happening.

It doesn’t taste like goodbye, Kara realizes. It tastes like a promise of something more.

“What was that for?” Lena breathes out, Kara can hear their hearts hammering in sync.

“Your reason to come back home.”

[special shoutout to @mssirey who gave great writing advice to this poor hapless writer（〃｀ 3′〃）i kith u on the forehead. ]

#if u see a typo no u dont #the reckless writer writes #a supercorp ficlet of sorts #here have a super self-indulgent fic before the next disaster of an ep drops #sg spoilers

[cotccotc]

SKZ REACT to...

 ◈ you being followed

part of my eight as fate event !! ( requested by anon​ ♡ )

genre/s: comfort, skz x gn reader

warning/s: description of being followed on the street, descriptions / mentions of panic attacks

wc: 1.8k

a/n: this one took me quite a while but i’m happy with it !!! i decided to write out a longer introduction to this to kinda set up a scene !! i hope y’all enjoy it (esp the comforting parts ofc kdjdjf)

it’s somewhat unlike you to walk alone at night. you figured it would only take you a few minutes, but you got out of work late, setting you back quite a while. to make things worse, while you were working overtime, the sun had set, leaving you to traverse the dimly lit city streets on your own. all you know is that your boyfriend left the door open for you, and a couch date sounds really great right now.

somewhere along your walk, you heard a shuffling noise coming from behind you. you disregarded it, thinking it may have been simple paranoia. you’ve seen too many movies, you think. however, as you keep up your leisurely yet steady pace, you hear another noise. this time you turn around.

a man. in a black hoodie. looking you dead in the eye.

your eyes widen as a small gasp leaves your mouth. needless to say, you begin sprinting to your destination, heart racing at a pace that rivals the speed of your feet. with your focus aimed at getting as far away as you can, you’re honestly not even sure how your legs know where they’re going. nevertheless, your saving grace comes into view. after a quick glance at the now empty street behind you, you sprint even faster than before. and, once you make it to the apartment door, you fling the door open and leap inside with enough force to rattle the hinges.

“y/n? what’s wro-”

“i was being followed,” you interject, a choked sob finally escaping you.

◈ CHAN

his first instinct, no matter what, is to make sure you feel safer now.

he’ll sit you down on the couch, staying close beside you and rubbing your back while reiterating that whoever that man was is gone now.

i’ve always liked to think he’d be good to have around in the event of a panic attack. especially if you’re the type of person who needs physical and verbal reassurance. back rubs, hugging, and breathing reminders galore.

once you’ve calmed down, he would wipe away your tears and hold you close to him as he asks you about the rest of your day.

he’s an amazing listener and he can’t wait to hear about the latest employee or customer gossip lmao

but more importantly, it would take your mind off things, which is all he truly wants.

if you start looking a bit gloomy or drifting off in thought, he’d probably suggest some cuddle time !! he would make sure to remind you of how courageous you were in that moment before promising you one last time that you’re safer now, here with him.

you’d finally fall asleep in his arms, filling him with relief.

◈ MINHO

first reaction: absolutely pissed.

not at you of course, but at the guy who was following you. with you still in his arms, he glances pointedly out the front door and the windows, closing the blinds after giving the entire apartment a once-over.you end up in the bedroom, in which he’ll guide you to sit beside him on the bed.

his expression will have completely changed from anger to loving concern. he’d look deeply into your eyes while holding both your hands in his, assuring you that you’re safe now.while you continue to cry, you explain what had happened in more detail. he strokes your hair as you speak and nods along, blood boiling.

he can’t stand the thought of any person making you feel unsafe. but, he’d maintain a calm exterior in order to make you feel more at ease.

once you describe the whole situation, he’d reassure you once again that the man can’t get to you now.

“he’ll have to get through me.”

you giggle.

“hEY”

◈ CHANGBIN

i think he’d have a similar reaction to minho !!

very visibly pissed that some random guy had the nerve to intimidate you. that dude’s lucky he didn’t follow you the whole way home or else he’d probably be pretty uh. damaged. by now..

he’d sit you down on the couch, do a quick check-in at each of the windows and doors, and come back as soon as he can to console you.

when he does, he’s quick to sit beside you, arm wrapped around you with the other wiping the tears off of your face.

after you explain the situation a bit more clearly, he becomes even more angry (probably mutters some curses under his breath)

but !!!! i think he’d really try his best to focus on cheering you up

asking you what you’d like to do for the rest of the night, if you’d like any food, if you’d like to sleep or stay up for a while.. etc.

plus he’d amp up the silly antics to make you forget about things !!

◈ HYUNJIN

i think his physical reaction would become similar to yours. very quickly.

like once he sees your tears and senses your quickened pulse. his immediate response (whether voluntary or not) would be to emulate you.

so, naturally, he’d hold you in his arms and let you cry it out, while small sobs of his own escape him.

seeing you so scared is a scary feeling.

of course, he’d reassure you that you’re safe !!! he’d look into your eyes, tucking your hair behind your ears, and tell you that it’s all over now and that you’re safe.

you, of course, don’t want him to feel sad or scared, so you’d console him as well.

you two would comfort each other the whole rest of the night. i think the most probable option would be the two of you cuddled up in bed watching a movie or reading webtoons together

distraction !! but make it a drama !! or a romcom because .. vibes !!

and when you decide it’s time for bed (however late that may be due to the stress from earlier) he’d be sure to remind you that he’ll be with you all night & when you wake up

(but he’s also secretly clinging onto you out of fear as well kdjfgj)

◈ JISUNG

“oh sh- oh sHIT-”

wouldn’t know what in the fuck to do

would haphazardly check all the windows like minho did, holding your hand as you continue to cry

after he’s done, he’d cling to you and hold you SO very tight <3

lots of “shh shh baby.. baby shhhh” and all that jazz.. you know the sungie vibes…

he’d stroke your hair and arms, noticing your slight shakiness and suggesting you both cuddle for some extra comfort and warmth

no matter what time of night it is, he’d turn off the lights and cuddle with you as you describe the event in more detail

quiet & calm

even if you end up crying again while you speak, he’s there to brush the tears off your face with his thumb and help you calm down again

◈ FELIX

before you came, he might have cooked a small meal for the two of you to share. even though you worked late, it’d still be waiting for you when you arrive. he’d wait too.

when you do happen to burst through the door, he’d jump and gasp out of fear but he’s quick to run up to you and hold you as you let out everything you’d held in during your walk-turned-chase

also !! will help you get settled in as you describe what went down

helping you take off your coat and shoes, getting water for you, grabbing some blankets; all while listening intently and giving you all of his attention

once you’re seated on the couch, wrapped in the softest blanket he could find and staying hydrated after such a harrowing event, he’d be sure to hold you as close as possible to remind you that everything’s okay

eventually, through his subtle gestures and calming demeanor, you won’t even realize how you got situated !! he just knows what to do to make you as comfortable as possible without even trying all that hard

you may choose to skip dinner, but no matter what, he’ll be holding you close the whole night through to make sure you know he’s there to protect and care for you

◈ SEUNGMIN

he’s very methodical about how to proceed. his first instinct is to do what some of the others would and check the house, but he decides to help you calm down first.

you’re rambling about what happened in between sobs and quick breaths, which sends a pain through his heart as he shuts and locks the door.

if you’re shorter than him, he’d bend a little to make direct eye contact with you. he’ll rub your arms and tell you that you don’t have to be afraid anymore

the most calming and reassuring voice in the whole world omg !!!!!!

he’d wipe your tears away and cup your face with both of his hands, prompting you to look back into his eyes before smiling at you

“you’re safe now, right?”

you smile back at him, nodding.

“now, let’s lock all the doors so no bad guys can get in!”

then, he’d take your hand and let you help him lock the doors and shut the curtains, making it feel like a chore instead of a precaution

and for your “good work”, he’d reward you with some binge watching & cuddle time !!! (as if that wasn’t the original plan skjdfg)

◈ JEONGIN

(under his breath, eyes wide) “oh my god…”

i think he’d start freaking out a bit like hyunjin did, but he’d do his very best to hide it. he knows he has to be strong to help you calm down and feel safe.

like felix, he’d help you take off your coat and shoes, leading you over to the couch as you shakily describe what happened.

(i’m sorry i keep making comparisons to the other members bUT) like minho, he’d hold your hands in his, rubbing them softly with his thumbs to soothe your nerves as you let everything out

he’d try to cheer you up by suggesting alternative motives the man might’ve had instead of wanting to harm you

for instance:

jeongin: “what if he was lost and needed directions but he was too shy to ask because you’re so pretty/handsome?”

you: “babe i don’t think-”

jeongin: “OR what if he thought he knew you !!”

you: “but he-”

jeongin: “WHAT IF IT WAS BATMAN-”

overall, his aim is to distract you (as well as himself), which ends in success. you’ll both be in stitches by the end of the night

and… laughing is super tiring, right?

therefore, as reiterated throughout all of these reactions because we all know it’s true:

CUDDLESSSS

oh also.. right before you fall asleep in his arms, he’d ask if you want to leave the light on during the night :( bc he’s a cutie :((((

tags: @stayndays, @hanniiesuckle17​, @leggomylino, @freckledberries, @kisskissbanggang, @mr-jisung-main, @childofthecosmos, @kpopscape, @skzwriternet, @hyunsins, @sleepylixie, @sunshine-skz, @vera-liscious, @thatrandomoneinthecorner, @cyberskz​, @seungminsaidsta, @somethingrandomworld, @ethan806 ( join my tag list !! )

©️ cotccotc 2021 ~ all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

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[elia-de-silentio]

The overarching themes of Vanitas no Carte: Identity

The Case Study of Vanitas is a very good, too little known manga (I hope the anime changes something), with some central themes than are exposed in different ways through different characters. In this meta, I want to explore one that was brought to my attention pretty recently: here a little examination on the various ways to face one's own identity in The Case Study of Vanitas.

The Stable Identity( Noè)

Let's start off with the positives, shall we? Noè has probably the most secure personal identity of all the bunch.

And this is pretty amazing, considering everything he went through. He has no memory of his birth family, but gets adopted by some nice people - who die shortly afterwards. Right at their graves, he is kidnapped by slaves, in an accident that left him injured. Then he is bought by someone who actually treats him nicely and is a good mentor for him, he finds many friends his age - and then one of them, the one he was closest to, turns out to be a cursebearer, kills all of the others and then tries to kill him; he is saved by the mentor, who beheads the friend right in front of him. The most immediate emotion is relief for being alive, and he will always feel terrible for that. Then, he has to witness his surviving friend try to cope very badly with her mourning by repressing her identity and try to substitute it with that of her dead twin. That's a lot.

And Noé reacted to all of this by becoming a confident person, kind and attentive to others, but not to the point of being a pushover. I'm not saying he walked away unscathed from the events of his childhood: he regrets the way he handled things with Louis, the way he didn't understand him, and has developed quite the savior complex as a result.

What I'm saying is that he is probably one of the very few well-adjusted people in the psychiatric ward that is Vanitas no Carte. He is still questioning himself, but in a normal way for a nineteen-years-old that has just left a sheltered environment for the big wide world. He is aware of some of his strenghts (his naivete) and is realizing others (putting unfair expectations on other people, underestimating other people due to racial biases); but most importantly, when he realizes these mistakes, he doesn't run away from them or obsess over them believing they make him a horrible person: he recognizes them, apologizes to the wronged person if necessary, and works on improving them.

This isn't to say he's completely happy-go-lucky with no regrets; he feels guilty about being relieved that he lived while Louis died, and he has a lot of uncertainties regarding his identity as an Archiviste and the impact his powers can have on other people. But he managed not to tie his entire identity to that guilt; and as for the second point, Teacher helped him rationalise that and figure out a conduit that didn't undermine him and at the same time showed respect for others. Noè went through several traumas, but received one thing most of the cast didn't: guidance and support from his environment. Whatever Teacher's actual motives are, he shaped a well-balanced person.

The Group Identity (The dhamps, appearently 99% of vampirekind)

"Us dhams are only loyal to each other!" This is what Dante says in one of the first chapters, giving us the first clues to their status as outcasts.

The war between humans and vampires ended up with each deciding to keep to themselves, but dhampires are the living exception to that silent agreement. So, both societies decide to reject them, and they can't find a place in the world unless they stick to others of their own kind. This common history of traumatic experiences of abandonment and subsequent resentment of both human and vampire society for it goes on to create a very strong group identity: the only ones they give a damn about are those like them, everyone else is a potential enemy and is only good to be exploited.

Then, we have the vampire culture. I mean ... it might be because insofar we have met almost exclusively aristocrats obsessed with their respectability ... but they have a lot of prejudices.

You're born under a uncommon moon? You're a pariah. You're mixed race? You're a pariah. Your parents committed a crime? You're a pariah, and are used as a tool. You're born as part of a set of twins? Either you or your sibling are killed at birth, because of something that is SAID, not even a certified element of vampire biology. You're stuck with a curse? You're executed, no attempts to heal you.

Their society seems to run on an ideal model of person which depends on factors outside the individual's control, and whoever doesn't fit this description and deviates from the group in any shape or form gets ridiculously fierce punishment. They make the freaking Church look good by comparison, at least their repressive and racist side is composed of extremists instead of everymen.

The Clan Identity (Chloé, and partially Noé again)

Chloé identifies with a group of people too; but it's not a race, it's a family. The D'Apchier family, the nobles who are responsible for Gevaudan. Her father made sure she had this idea in her right from the start, and she interiorized it.

And this had mixed results: while on the one hand she was chained to self-loathing by the guilt of having accidentally caused the massacre of the family and was only saved by Jeanne and Jean-Jacques reclaiming her as part of theirs, on the other she was able to resist to Naenia because of the love and responsibility she felt towards the people of Gevaudan. Chloé is, at this point, the only curse-bearer who managed to trick and attempted to fight directly against Charlatan.

Then there is Noé in relation to his Archiviste identity. He seems to think of it mainly in negative terms, very conscious of the living invasion of privacy it turns him into ... and nothing else. We have never seen him wonder about who his birth parents were, ask himself why he doesn't remember anything, why was the clan exterminated, or how he feels about being a survivor, one of the only ones if not outright the only. He sees his heritage as a burden,and hasn't thought of it in any different term. I wonder how a change in perspective could impact the above 'stable identity'.

The Someone Else's Identity (Vanitas, Dominique)

I already dedicated a whole post to this trait they share, so I'll be short: both Vanitas and Dominique hate themselves and try to become something worthy by taking elements of people they admire: Louis for Dominique, a combination of his birth father and Luna for Vanitas.

The Object Identity (Jeanne)

The very first thing Jeanne was said in her whole life was that she was an object. A vessel for something (or someone?) else, who mustn't have feelings or desires of her own. Encouraging, isn't it?

Luckily, this wasn't all she got in life. Soon afterwards, she was adopted by Eric and Louise, who loved her a lot, received kindness by Ruthven, met Chloé who became an older sister to her. Unluckily, all of this was taken away from her in the most cruel way possible.

She couldn't make any sense of her parents's betrayal and death, and the way her life suddenly changed; she rationalised it by telling herself that it was her fault, if she had been just the good object everyone told her to be nothing would have happened. So she accepts the Object Identity: she is a tool, so she doesn't feel, she exists only to obey orders, and as long as she is nobody else will ever suffer. It gets even worse after she fails to kill Chloè: she couldn't fulfill her duties, and both her and her big sis suffered for it. This mindset traps her in a world of pain, but also prevents her from facing the fact that she is subject to a senseless injustice, one she has no control over.

Vanitas managed to help her with that. He validated her feelings, and showed her that nobody had to die if she had them, solving the situation with Chloé and Jean-Jacques. This gave her a nice confidence boost, returning her to the cheerful attitude she had as a young girl; the consequences of this change remain to be seen.

The Unknown Identity (Luna)

This one is interesting because Luna themselves is pretty explicit about it. They see themselves as something 'other', who is outside commonly used categorization; starting with 'male or female' (and here I am left wondering if they had specific sexual characteristics but didn't feel like they 'fit', or were intersex and nonbinary, or had an entirely different biology from both vampires and humans).

Luna doesn't like this condition: they said they tried to figure out what they were, to understand themselves, and they regret doing so now. Why? Maybe they didn't find any answer and were left perpetually unsatisfied, or they found an answer, and they found it to be awful?

Still, this indicates Luna has never been particularly happy with themselves, and this found no resolution. And then they died. Nice, uh?

Well, I think this was all. There are other characters I would like to know more about in regard to this, like Ruthven, Marquis Machina, and Mikhail, but there is still time.

All in all, I'd say Vanitas no Carte explores the theme of identity pretty throughly; many character arcs are still in progress, and I'm interested about how things will develope especially for Vanitas, Dominique and Jeanne.

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!

#vnc #vanitas no carte #the case study of vanitas #vnc meta #vnc analysis #vnc noe #vnc chloé #vnc vanitas #vnc dominique #vnc jeanne #vnc luna #elia's recaps

[softer-ua]

I was thinking about how Katsuki has never seen Deku in the hospital before and how Deku might be surprised to see him, and how that would probably hurt Katsukis feelings.

Then I decided to be self-indulgent and write the scene out. It was supposed to be short but I got super self-indulgent, because I like making Katsuki feel and making it hurt 🥰

I don’t wanna be unexpected

Deku carefully cracks open his eyes slowly taking in a dark unfamiliar ceiling and the heavy aching of his limbs, he isn’t fully cast anymore but a routine stiffness that tells him he had been.

 He’s grown used to this routine over the last year, he doesn’t even bother trying to sit up. Instead, he just scans the room the best he can from his semi-horizontal position. 

Turning his head to the left he sees an empty visiting chair and a small window letting in the city’s lights. It’s the only light the room has so it must be well into the middle of the night. 

Continuing to the right he sees a small nightstand filled with get-well cards and gifts. It brings a smile to his cracked lips, he’d most certainly cry if his body had the water to spare. 

If you told Deku a year ago that he’d get into UA he might have believed you, but never in a million years would he believe you if you told him he was on friendly terms with at least 1/3 of all of UA’s hero course students. 

Sometimes that felt like the most unbelievable part of everything. Having his idol pass his legacy to him to beat an ancient evil? Crazy but within the realm of his imagination. 

Making close friends with half his class and being at a minimum a positive acquaintance to most of his peers? It was almost unthinkable for a kid who’d spent his whole life being scorned and left out by even his teachers. 

Choked up by his feelings, Deku tries to swallow the painful lump forming in his throat. He’s worried so many people and let them down by getting hospitalized yet again. 

He’s too dehydrated to cry but he can’t help the dry cracked warble that escapes him. It takes a concentrated effort to clear his throat and not break down completely. It wouldn’t be cathartic at this moment, just painful. 

A small groan from the foot of his bed pulls his attention away from reading what he could of the cards. 

What he sees doesn’t instantly register with his groggy mind. That’s not uncommon, usually, the longer he’s out the more disoriented he is upon waking, his body might have made a full recovery but the brain takes longer to re-engage with its surroundings. 

Deku doesn’t expect to see Kacchan of all people in his hospital room at all, let alone when he first wakes up in the dead of night, but the blonde tuft of hair sticking up from a familiar orange hoodie turned makeshift pillow cradled in well-toned arms makes the figure resting over the edge of his hospital bed unmistakable 

Deku would know that pale face pinched into a grimace anywhere. 

It adds to the layer of confusion he’s grown used to as part of waking up hospitalized. It also adds a layer of dread and an equal amount of relief. Things must be pretty bad if Kacchan is here, but Kacchan is here and he looks completely whole. It’s a best worst-case scenario. 

Kacchan lets out a small grunt as he pushes his face deeper into orange cotton. Deku’s heart squeezes at the sight of the blonde's obvious discomfort. 

Kacchan should be at home sleeping in a real bed, not hunched over in a visitor chair clutching a hoodie for a pillow. 

Without thinking Deku calls out “Kacchan?”, his voice just above a whisper, a selfish part of him hopes Kacchan will stay asleep a little longer. That he’ll stay where Deku can see him and knows he’s okay. But he knows it’s selfish. So he calls again a little louder, his voice hoarse and scratchy from lack of use. 

The blonde shoots up, eyes near frantic as he looks around before red irises settle their sites on him with more concern than Deku ever remembers seeing on Kacchan. Well, at least outside a fight and directed at him.

He hopes they're not about to fight, but when it comes to Kacchans temperament… well he’d be a fool to dismiss the possibility of it. 

For a moment all Kacchan does is stare at him. It makes something cold and heavy settle in his stomach. Nothing scares Kacchan, and yet he looks completely shaken. 

“Deku? Are you really awake this time?” Katsuki tries to not make his whisper sound as desperate as he feels. There’s no point getting worked up over another dream or worse a still drug-addled Deku, but this Deku seems to recognize him for the first time, and although tired his green eyes shined with a level of coherency that’s been missing for a few days now.

Katsukis’s chest grew tight seeing it. It paled in comparison to the glimmer of brilliance that usually shone in those beautiful emeralds, but when compared to the unfocused glazed look he had been sporting the last few days? Well, Katsuki thought he just might collapse with relief. 

This is what he’d been waiting for, Deku’s been physically healed for at least 2 days now but consciously he’s been pretty touch and go. “Uh, I think so?” That’s definitely not the kinda question Deku had been expecting, but he has his own question he wants to get to before they get into that. 

Pushing through the dry burning in his throat Deku rattled off the most pressing questions. “How are you feeling? Is everyone okay? Did LOV getaway? What’s going on?” 

Annoyance flashes in Katsukis’s eyes before quieting with acceptance, of course, the nerd wants to know how everyone else is and the current status. Katsuki wanted the same when he first woke up, they were heroes in training, after all. Their own lives would always take a backseat to their self-appointed responsibilities. 

“Hold on. You sound like sh– not good.” Katsuki got up and got the nerd a cup of water and then helped him sit upright, trying to decide on what to tell him. Completely missing the way Deku flushed at his uncharacteristic gentleness. 

Katsuki decided on the bare minimum. 

“I don’t wanna talk about that sh- not good fight right now. All you need to know is that everyone is fine. You’re the only one still layed up, worrying everyone half to death. You’ve been out for almost a week, you woke up a few times but you were all loopy calling people by the wrong names.” 

Calling him by the wrong name. Deku must have said an incoherent hello to half the class only sometimes guessing who he was speaking to correctly or just talking to no one at all before immediately falling back asleep. Deku had of course asked about him more than a few times but not once did the bastard see him sitting right in front of him. 

It had taken every ounce of willpower Katsuki possessed to not throttle him, but he’d promised All Might that for the sake of Auntie Inko he wouldn’t upset the nerd. 

The pride Katsuki had just momentarily taken in thinking to get Deku water, the gentleness he took help the dweeb sit up, and managing not to swear when recounting the transgressions to boot turned ashen when he saw the way Deku shied away with guilt. 

A stubborn part of him felt righteous and believed Deku should feel guilty, a larger part felt a sense of failure in breaking his promise to All Might literally the first time he actually spoke to Deku. 

“Wait, if everyone else is okay what are you doing here?” Deku feels himself relaxing despite his guilt, contentment settling in the spaces where trepidation previously roosted, he trusted Kacchan to be honest. 

If he says everything’s fine then it is, but the lack of pressing news makes Kacchan passed out at the end of his bed even more confusing. 

The painkillers he’s on make thinking feel like everything’s ruining through Windows 95’, he can practically hear his brain's fan whirring. His mind can’t really pull up fresh thoughts, just old truths, Kacchans never visited before and he apparently has no reason to now.

Katsuki sighs as he slumps back into his chair. Deku’s still clearly confused and he isn’t sure he has the energy to repeat himself right now, then considering how he failed the first time he decides might as well try.

“Everyone is fine, everything is as fine as it can be at the moment. You’re in the hospital recovering from the fight with supercharged crusty mcdusty, but you are also apparently going to be fine” Dekus staring at him like he has two heads so he keeps talking. “The league is being dealt with, I’m not talking about the fighting until tomorrow at the earliest, neither of us is in shape for that conversation and I don’t know much myself yet”

Deku’s pinch brows and slight pout tell him he’s got questions, questions he can’t answer. Anytime he even thinks about how the fight went down he feels like he’s going to explode.

Trying to reign in every ounce of self control he possesses he slumps further in his chair rubbing his face and counts to five. Then kicks Dekus hospital bed for good measure, before speaking again.

“Deku just rest, you're clearly still out of it and I don’t wanna repeat myself a third time.” Seriously how many other ways can he say everything is, by a very loose definition, fine. How much clearer can he make it that he’s not giving anything else up?

“Uh you didn’t have to repeat yourself? I believed you the first time, Kacchan” Deku couldn’t help but feel like Kacchan was purposely misinterpreting his question, but why? It shouldn’t be a hard question, he’d really only asked to make conversation and clear up some brain cobwebs.

“Then why did you ask–“ Something ugly and broken twists in Katsuki’s gut as he slowly repeated Dekus' question in his head ‘what are you doing here’.

“I just didn’t expect to see you here if you didn’t have to be.”

Deku wasn’t, hadn’t been, asking why someone was there with him but why he, Katsuki, was there. Deku wanted to know why he was here instead of literally anyone else. Deku didn’t know that Katsuki had basically taken up permanent residence in here with him, probably couldn’t see the cot laying at the foot of his bed.

White-hot rage coursed through him in an instant, after everything they went through Deku thought he’d just ditch him to some extras in scrubs? Katsuki had a bad temper on good sleep, exhausted he was ready to put Deku back in a coma.

He struggled with the feeling of his palms heating, but the second before he felt like detonating Katsuki caught Deku’s eyes in full.

As always they show everything the nerds feeling and the familiarity soothes him in a way he can’t explain. Doesn’t ever want to explain.

It used to drive him up the wall like Deku was purposely giving him messages in a language he couldn’t read. Shoving in his face how inadequate he is in comparison.

Katsuki knows now that’s not the case and over the last few months, he’s actually been learning how to read Deku for the first time in his life.

And he’s discovering that even though it’s an advanced read for him he likes the challenge and even more he likes the victorious warmth that spreads down to his toes when he can tell just what Dekus is thinking without any words.

Right now Deku does look slightly confused and yet still so open and trusting, and his crooked shy smile proves that he is actually happy Katsukis here. His confusion is just that, confusion.

Always glad to see him, always caught off guard by his presence.

As much as the familiarity soothed the recognition hurt.

A couple of months on good terms doesn’t erase all the bad years, he knows this, he’s told himself as much a dozen-plus times.

He’s never visited Deku in the infirmary or the hospital before now.

At first just because his stubborn pride insisted that he couldn’t show weakness/care for someone else because he was above them all, that he had to constantly act like Deku was below him. Even when he recognized Deku as a rival he didn’t visit, partly because of lingering pride but mostly because he felt like he didn’t deserve to.

He was too much of a coward/slave to his pride to risk being turned away.

This time he hadn’t even considered Deku might not want him, he had just selfishly insisted he stay by his side for his own peace of mind.

To see Deku wanted him here but couldn’t understand why Katsuki would want to be here himself left his fingers feeling numb as all the adrenaline drained out of him.

Deku studied Kacchan intently, his explosive rival had turned to him and risen half out his chair looking like he was about to shout at him but when their eyes locked the words had apparently died on his tongue.

Now Kacchan was just staring at him with an unreadable expression entirely unmoving after he plopped back in his seat, never breaking eye contact. It was clear now that Kacchan hadn’t understood his question at first but now he seemed lost at how to answer.

Deku wanted to wait for Kacchan to speak but experience told him he shouldn’t hold his breath.

Besides it was late, as much as he desperately didn’t want him to go, Kacchan should be safely asleep in his own room. It’d be selfish to ask him to stay.

Kacchan probably hadn’t meant to stay as late as he did, he was just prone to falling asleep wherever he was once 9 pm rolled around. Deku knew first hand that Auntie Mitsuki had a very strict bedtime policy that had long been physically instilled into Kacchans psyche.

“Kacchan, it’s late you should head back to the dorms and get some real sleep. I feel fine.” At the sudden incredulous tweak of a blonde eyebrow, Deku rushed to elaborate, “I mean I'm of course tired, and a sore but I feel whole. This is a familiar routine for me, I’m okay.”

Katsuki thought back to what he told All Might a lifetime ago, “he never considers himself”.

Here Deku was laying in a hospital bed concerned about his sleep and knowing just what he wanted/needed to hear, that Deku was okay, straight from the source.

It’s all he’d wanted to hear for almost a week now and he had to press his lips shut into a tight line to keep the embarrassing whimper he felt clawing at his throat from escaping.

“I know that you can go to the front desk and the attendant will call for a UA shuttle, doesn’t matter the time, Todoroki has left as late as 3 am”

Oh if that didn’t have something ugly snapping its jaws and thirsty for blood inside Katsuki. At heart, he’s always been explosively petty.

As much comfort as Todoroki being almost equally worried about Deku had been over the last week anytime anyone so much as even accidentally hinted at the ways Katsuki had failed to be there for Deku before now had him seeing red.

Reminding him how others had stepped up and into the places, Katsuki felt he should have been, felt like a slap in the face. But coming from Deku the anger he felt turned inward.

Where he usually saw red, all he saw was green. Not the warm emerald hue of Deku sitting in front of him, but dark bitter jealous green.

Petulant ‘whys’ clawed at his ribs. Why did people who’d only know Deku for a year have a more prominent roles in the nerds life than he did after knowing him forever, why did Deku have to like those extras so damn much, why didn’t he realize sooner how important Deku was, why did he have to care about any of that at all, why did Deku have to bring up that goddamn candy cane, why did Deku want to send him away, why wasn’t Deku even half as desperate to stay by his side as he was, why why why?!

He voiced none of these thoughts, instead just continued staring grumpily ahead. Hoping Deku didn’t notice how heavy his breathing had gotten or how he tightened his grip on the chair's armrests.

Deku took another sip of water before continuing. “I’m happy you’re here, really, it means a lot to me.” He let a genuine full smile slip on his face, he didn’t want Kacchan thinking he wasn’t grateful for his presence.

He really was happy that Kacchan was the first person he got to see upon waking up.

Circumstantial or not the fact that Kacchan was here with him now was a deep comfort to him and a pleasant way to wake up. Usually, it was to his classmates' forced positivity or his overly fussy weeping mother and that never got easier to deal with. As confusing as the change was it was a nice one. And he told him as much.

Why did Deku always know exactly what to say to people? When he, Katsuki Bakugo, couldn’t say anything at all.

Normally the instant relief his body felt at Deku’s words just pissed him off, but tonight exhaustion took its toll.

He felt the tears he’d been fighting all week fall hot and sticky down his cheeks, embarrassment shame and guilt tinted his face a splotchy pink. When he felt the lump in his throat give way to a choked hiccup he didn’t just crack, he shattered.

Ugly sobs racked through him and he buried his face in his hands and dug his fingers into his hair.

Why was the only familiar part of this him breaking down in front of Deku? He’s known Deku his whole life. He should have been the first and last person in Deku’s hospital room every time from the very beginning if for nothing more than obligation. Any one of those times could have been the last time.

Deku would have slipped away from him, and Katsuki would have been one of the last ones to know.

He hadn’t because he knew it’d always end up like this, him blubbering like a baby over Dekus hospital bed and he couldn’t risk it before. Too desperate to keep that little voice inside him that picks apart his every sign of weakness quiet.

It never goes away and UA had made it so much louder, he couldn’t give more feed to the fire. That’s exactly what Deku does to him.

On bad days Katsuki feels the little claws of insecurity scratching at his brain comparing him to Deku, that Deku’s surpassing him because he’s weak and he’s going to get left behind, he’s going to be forgotten.

On equally bad days he surpasses Deku completely and the voice switches gears, telling him he doesn’t deserve Dekus praises. That he’s a hopeless brat with an oversized ego and Deku’s words are empty. Katsuki hasn’t earned them, and he never will, Deku’s just placating him.

Katsuki doesn’t have good days.

Why did he even care though, Deku has seen him cry a dozen times and never once has it changed anything, hell Deku cries all the time.

But Deku’s never been debilitated by crying the way he is, Deku always keeps moving like he doesn’t even notice he’s crying. But he, Katsuki, can barely breathe around his tears.

Because he’s weak and a coward and everything Dekus not. Deku’s light years ahead of him in being a better person and by proxy a better hero and he’s never going to catch up.

Delirious with exhaustion Katsukis thoughts keep spiraling out of his control, growing more and more vicious.

He doesn’t even deserve to call himself Dekus' rival, Deku’s going to leave him behind, Deku’s going to keep taking on the world by himself because he’s not strong enough to fight alongside him, Dekus going to get himself killed and it’s all his fault. He’s hyperventilating through his sobs now.

“Wha- Kacchan, what’s wrong?” Deku suppressed a small groan at stretching stiff unused muscles as his scrambled brain had him lurch forward to grasp Kacchans wrists, he can see where blunt nails dig into his scalp. Gently as he could, Deku replaces callused hands with his crooked ones.

“Hey look at me.” He lifted Kacchans head to meet his eyes and took deep slow dramatic breaths encouraging Kacchan to match his breathing. Red eyes frantically scanned his face and clutched his wrists tightly like a lifeline, desperate that Deku doesn’t pull away.

Slowly their breathing synchronized, the tears kept flowing though, Deku was certain he was crying now too but he made no move to confirm this. He just kept watching Kacchan, keeping his own breathing steady. This wasn’t the first time he’s had Kacchan match his breathing, but it is the first time he’s been this close and this obvious about it. Then again Kacchans never looked this desperate.

In the past when he’s noticed Kacchans breathing has sped up and his gaze looks far away he’ll nonchalantly sit down next to him like he hasn’t noticed Kacchans problem at all, then he’ll practice his own breathing exercises a little louder than would be considered polite. Consciously or not Kacchan follows suit.

He’d learned the tactic when he was 7 from his mom helping one of their neighbors on the way to the store, a very nice lady he called Auntie Kay. She had some kind of disorder that gave her bad anxiety and had apparently forgotten to take meds that morning and got overwhelmed by the noise. His mom used to be an assisted living caregiver before she became, well his mom, so she had experience with this kind of thing.

Later she explained what she’d been doing. That you're someone they have a long history of trusting you don’t want to get in their space, just reaffirm to them that they’re safe and try to get them to slow their breathing, focus on breathing out.

1, because It’s hard to concentrate if you don’t feel safe. 2, the human body doesn’t know if it has enough oxygen, it knows if it’s getting enough air and if it has too much carbon dioxide in it, and you breathe out carbon dioxide.

That day his mom was like a mini hero, saving the day with a smile. It made him more aware that there’s more to being a hero than just fighting villains, it’s about saving people.

He can’t fight villains from a hospital bed, he could still be there for others. He could be there for Kacchan.

After a minute he hesitantly thumbed away the freshest tears but that seemed to just make things worse as another sob racked through Kacchan and he tightened his grip on his wrists. It wasn’t until Kacchan finally spoke and he reflexively snapped his jaw shut that Deku realized he’d been making soft shushing noises.

Katsuki tightened his grip on Deku’s wrists as he choked on one last sob thinking that Deku was finally pulling away, but when he just continued to thumb his tears away and making soft little noises he let himself believe Deku wasn’t going to dismiss him again.

Katsukis never let himself be comforted like this by anyone, not even as a child, but he was too tired to fight it, too distraught to care about how selfish he’s sure he’s being, and too certain that Deku was the only thing keeping him tethered to reality.

He’s confronted his own mortality a few times this year but none of it had compared to being confronted in real-time with Dekus. Living with Deku so close to death over the last week had taken its toll on everyone but Katsuki especially had been unraveling more and more each day.

The first day he’d been ready to bring the entire hospital down if he didn’t get to Deku’s side immediately. It only got worse from there.

He’d grown more cantankerous than he’d ever been, but the fire in him had been dying out. By the time Deku first woke up and didn’t recognize him the only thing he’d say to anyone was the same mumbled shut up, only sometimes accompanied by half-hearted sparks daring anyone to try to remove him from the room.

Auntie Inko was distraught too but she had let All Might take her home after that first visit and encouraged her to rest there saying something about how no mother should have to see this side of hero work or whatever.

The doctors were probably just worried about what all those tears might do to their equipment, Katsuki certainly had been even if he hadn’t said so.

Katsuki had promised Inko he’d stay by Deku’s' side, she’d looked conflicted about something but they both silently agreed that was a discussion for another day.

Katsuki doesn’t know what to say now but desperately feels like he needs to say something.

He’s terrified it’ll all come out wrong and freak Deku out, Deku who just woke up for real for the first time! He’s terrified of saying nothing and losing his chance to say anything at all because Deku just woke up for real for the first time in a week!

Deku deserves to hear him apologize for everything, but he doesn’t feel like he’s ready to be forgiven and if Deku doesn’t forgive he doesn’t know what’ll happen to him, he may very well implode.

If Deku turns him away then the kindest thing the universe could do for him would be to ignite every nitroglycerin-soaked cell in his body and just let him go. But the universe isn’t kind and will instead make him force himself out of this room and into a UA shuttle and into a life where everything green fades into bleak gray.

“Kacchan, your muttering” Deku says with the softest smile Katsuki has ever seen, and he feels like all his broken pieces have begun melting.

Deku stays silent, thumbs rubbing gentle circles. He seems content with doing nothing more than smiling at him until the sun comes up. And Katsuki feels another sob rip through him as he forces himself to speak.

“I meant it when I told you to keep your eyes on me.” The desperation in his own voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard to him. “I want you to know to look for me, and that I’ll be there. Even outside of heroing. I want you to expect me at every turn, forever. I don’t wanna be unexpected”

Deku leans forward and Katsuki thinks he’ll stop breathing all over again until their foreheads bump together. Deku’s looking right in his eyes, and he’s so close Katsuki's eyes can barely focus on him. They just stay like that for a small eternity while Katsuki’s heart beats wildly for entirely different reasons. One’s he’s not sure he’s ready to understand.

“Okay, Kacchan”

#kacchan #bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugou katsuki #deku #izuku midoriya #bakudeku #dekubaku #Decchan #bkdk #dkbk #4k words might be too many for tumblr #the self-indulgence is strong with this one #it’s not even angst Katsuki just makes himself cry #katsuki needs therapy so bad y’all #now that it’s finished I realize this just 4K words of nothing actually happening #Deku is literally the most perfect angel in the world #but he asked the wrong question

[torianoir]

Love your tumblr! Any advice for someone just starting to explore being trans? Much love!

That's a tough question. Well... Keep exploring and figuring yourself out and what you want out of your transition. Not everyone's goals are the same. Don't feel pressured to begin things you aren't comfortable or ready for either. I literally was on hormone replacement therapy for over 2 years before I came out publicly and over 3 years before I even wore feminine clothes outside. I know girls that are pre-hrt that go out in full femme clothing and makeup. Basically.. Go at your own pace! Also, keep in mind that HRT does a lot and when I did my transition I wasn't sure how I would end up looking. I spent a lot of my time with comparison dysphoria of girls who just had amazing looks or could afford FFS. Comparison dysphoria is very real and it sucks! Don't get caught in it cause HRT makes a HUGE difference. Now that being said I personally have had FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) after saving up 70-80% of my paychecks for 2 years. I do want to say that take other's pictures with some understanding that - yes, some people are just lucky with how they look, some people have amazing glow-ups, and some get surgeries. All are fine so long as the individual is happy in then end. The reason I mention the FFS is because at the time I was even looking at it is when I was seeing snapchat filters everywhere and I eventually got sucked into using the filters too. Filters are great and fun but I was one of the people that got sucked into using them daily and relying on them to take a decent selfie. I felt like i couldn't look good at all unless I used one to slim my facial features. I came to realize that I felt worse about myself after a while anytime I looked in the mirror. This was also the major push for me to finally look to get FFS done. Looking back at it I feel like my old pics weren't as bad as I made it out to be back then. I am much happier with how I look from the FFS but I don't think i really needed it after I became more confident and happier with the time to reflect on it. I think this is because I stopped using filters all together. I rarely use filters at all anymore and if I do it is a goofy post. ---------------- Now if you are still searching for finding out more about yourself then I strongly recommend checking out Reddit under the trans subreddits. Tend to be very useful information there (although sometimes might require some digging for it). Same goes for trans discords as well! Tons of them out there with lots of information to help others out.

Do tons of research! Whether it is on just being transgender, hrt, how to get hrt, surgeries, surgeons, name changes, how to come out, or anything in-between! And feel free to ask questions as often as possible to trans communities. Most I have found are very friendly groups. Just uh.. avoid the radicals 😬 And sorry if this is off or doesn't make sense. I am writing this while half asleep

[robinofgothamcity]

♡ prompt: “i'll make sure never to leave you alone.” 

♡ pairing: Baron Zemo x fem reader

♡ lyric inspiration: “you know I’m just a flight away, if you wanted you could take a private plane, los kilometros estamos conectando y me prendes aunque no me estes tocando.”

♡ note: not checked for grammar or spelling mistakes / for OBVIOUS reasons, heavy spoiler warning if you are not watching or are planning on watching Falcon and the Winter Soldier. this is kind of based on episodes three and four. 

“we might need to call an old friend of mine for help,” Sam told both Bucky and Zemo. Bucky gave him a look of confusion, “she’s a friend of my sisters. before the blip and all that, she was a working college student. she’s really good at being a decoy for things,” Sam explained. 

Bucky sighed, not knowing whether to agree with this or not. Zemo had no say in the matter as he was on a very strict leash with Sam so he didn’t bother to say much. 

“well, what are we waiting for? if we need to be in Madripoor soon, I think it’s best we get ahead of the game before it gets any later than it already is,” Bucky stated as Sam agreed. 

Zemo had been ‘kind’ enough to fly them back to where you currently stayed at. 

+

the four of them touched down in Wisconsin in the later part of the morning. the wind was blowing briskly through the air as they all groaned about the slight cold. Sam was never the one to like the cold in the first place, Bucky for obvious reasons despised the winter climate, and Zemo found the Wisconsin farm scenery to be eye-catching. 

“wait, how is she going to help us again?” Zemo asked as Sam put the information of your current house into the GPS. “she’s worked a lot with computers. she became friends with Sarah while she went to school in Louisiana. I think she could be of help considering she’d blend in with the younger crowd without us seeming suspicious,” Sam went into detail.

both Bucky and Zemo were confused on the entire situation but followed Sam’s lead regardless. they ended up in a small town a few hours out of where the plane touched down. your house was surrounded by a bunch of farm land and from the looks of it, you kept up with outside work. 

“with her knowledge in computers and being able to blend in with the crowd, she could gather information that neither three of us could get.” Zemo looked up to Sam, “I know Madripoor better than anyone. what gives you the implication that I can’t get the information myself?” he asked.

Sam waved him off as they got to your doorstep. your house looked cozy in comparison to how you lived before the blip. he knocked on the door softly, stepping back almost immediately. it took you a while to answer it but as they heard footsteps, they heard a ‘who is it?’ from the other side of the door. 

“it’s Sam.” 

you jumped back in surprise. you weren’t expecting to have Sam of all people knocking on your door at this hour. Sarah hadn’t told you that he was even going to come and see you. 

“Sam? James?” you asked, immediately playing with the skin on your fingers out of nervousness, “is something wrong? I wasn’t expecting you, nevertheless James here,” you continued as you let them inside. you looked at the third person, confused on who they were, “uh, may I ask who you are?” you questioned. 

“that’s Zemo but that isn’t important. we need you for something we’re working on,” you sighed in defeat. 

your life pre-blip was as normal as it could possibly be but after the blip, you lost your boyfriend at the time and your family dynamic had completely changed. you were no longer as close with your siblings, you were really never close with your dad to begin with, and your mom was just trying to fit back in as normally as possible without freaking out that something would happen to any of your siblings or yourself. 

“there’s a group of people who re-created the super soldier serum and we need help finding out who did it and why,” you immediately whipped your head up to look at Sam, “as in the thing that created Winter Soldier here and Steve?” you exclaimed, a sense of panic coming out as you spoke. 

Sam nodded, trying to calm you down before you could deny him all together, “since you still look kind of young and you were getting your degree in computer science, I was hoping you could come with us to Madripoor and scope out the scene while we talk to some people,” he explained. 

“Sam, I never even finished my degree. the blip happened before I could graduate and post blip, I haven’t touched a computer to that extent,” you replied. Bucky put his hand on your shoulder, “we really need you. you’re not someone who would catch attention easily and whatever you do remember could still help us in the long run,” he interjected. 

as Zemo watched both Bucky and Sam try to persuade you, he could tell you weren’t falling for it but now that he was standing in your kitchen, he could see the pictures of you and your family and probably some friends on your fridge door. 

“can I talk to her?” Zemo asked Bucky softly. Bucky gave him a look, almost as if what he said was disgraceful to hear, “why?” he asked back. Zemo pointed to the pictures on the fridge, “because I know how it is to lose family.” 

Bucky whispered to Sam about what Zemo had told him and while Sam wanted to refuse, while you were gone making coffee for them, Sam ultimately let him. “do not blow this for us. you’re on thin ice and if you screw us up, you’ll be back in that German prison cell before you could say your name,” Zemo put his hands up in defeat as he slowly walked into the kitchen. 

“need help with that coffee?” Zemo asked. you turned around, shaking your head no as you looked through the cabinets, “no, I’m okay. thanks for asking. I just need to find the coffee before meeting you three out there again,” you replied. 

Zemo reached into the pouch inside his jacket and pulled out a brown bag, “coffee from Germany. it’s the best you’ll get,” he said as you grabbed the bag and opened it up. the strong smell of coffee hit your nose as you coughed from it, “where did you get this?” you asked. 

Zemo laughed, shaking it off, “I’m a Baron, ( your name ). my family has a lot of things,” you nodded, not quite understanding what he meant by that but agreeing regardless, “listen, I know you’re hesitant on going with us to Madripoor but we really need your help. you’d be doing the world a favor by it,” he elaborated. 

you remained silent for a moment, “what has the world done for me? I lost my boyfriend, the guy I thought I was going to be with forever. my family and I don’t even talk to each other anymore so why should I help it out?” you responded, not caring if Sam or Bucky heard. Zemo put his hand on your cheek before sighing, “I lost my family in Sokovia. I know what that feels like more than anyone in the world and look at me now,” he replied. 

Sam and Bucky looked at each other nervously as they watched you try and contain your tears. they couldn’t exactly tell what Zemo was telling you but they could sense you were actually debating the idea now.

“did you ever move on? how did you move on is what I should be asking,” you asked quietly. Zemo stayed silent for a moment, not knowing whether he should answer genuinely or not, “being alone for as long as I was makes you come to terms with a lot of things,” he replied. 

you gulped, trying to push down whatever tears wanted to come out. 

“I think I’m over what happened pre-blip but I guess what’s stopping me from fully moving on is that we’ll never be the people we were before hand. what would I get out of helping all of you again?” you asked Zemo, now blushing at how close you were with him, “finding out where the serum is coming from and possibly having peace of mind,” he replied. 

you put the cups down and walked back into the living room, “you both owe me something. I don’t know what it is yet but you do,” you told Sam as he and Bucky sighed in relief, “give me a few minutes to gather my things,” you told them before heading upstairs. 

“what did you tell her?” Bucky asked as Zemo watched you walk upstairs with an almost mesmerized look, “nothing any of you would understand,” he responded before sitting down on the worn out couch. 

+

all of you touched down in Madripoor hours later. you had chugged back to melatonin gummies and passed out the entire flight back to Madripoor. you weren’t exactly a fan of planes so to be inside of one for hours made you extremely nervous. 

you were sent off to get some information while they went off in their own direction to get something else they needed. you were told to get back to them before dusk so after you got the bits of information they needed, you met them back at the car. 

“your name is now Noel, you’re a friend of ours and that’s all you need to know,” Zemo said as he handed you a fake id. you took it as Zemo relied Sam’s fake information to him, laughing at the nickname he was given, “high-town is beautiful,” you whispered to Zemo. he nodded in agreement, “indeed. we should visit it again,” he replied. 

as all of you arrived to the club/bar, you heard the music blaring from outside and figured this is what Sam meant when he said you’d blend in with the crowd. you sighed before plastering a smile on your face and dancing your way inside. 

“we should get some drinks,” Zemo told all of you. you nodded as you followed him to the bar. the small altercation between the bartender and Sam had you clenching your eyes shut as he cut up the snake, “please, that’s so disgusting,” you said, trying not to gag. 

Zemo could see the uncomfortable look on your face and unknowingly hid you behind him. he knew that small protective feeling from anywhere. the last time he had that feeling was with his wife. Zemo didn’t want you to see anything that made you mildly uncomfortable. 

within a few seconds, Zemo had shielded you immediately as an altercation brokeout with Bucky and a few others. you looked at Sam and Zemo in fright as Zemo made sure to keep you safe while Sam apologized for it. he knew you weren’t even mildly used to these kinds of scenes and if he was being honest, he knew in a way this could be traumatizing you. 

“Selby is ready to see you now,” you heard someone say. you followed behind Sam and Zemo as he had Bucky right next to him. as all of you walked inside the room, you could see the woman immediately look at Bucky and you a bit more interestingly. 

“you know you can’t just walk in here and demand to see me,” she said to Zemo. he nodded as Selby looked to Sam before giving him a backhanded compliment, “and can I ask who that is?” Selby asked as she pointed to you. 

you stood stiff as a board as Sam tried to speak up but was interrupted almost immediately by Zemo, “my wife,” he said, now more softly as he touched your had. Selby chuckled, “you wouldn’t want to make a trade for her, would you?” Selby asked. 

Sam immediately went on the defense as Zemo denied it, making sure you weren’t in her plane view anymore. Sam made sure that you were okay before returning back to the conversation at hand and within a few mere seconds, the once calm conversation turned deadly as Sam’s phone had went off and caused the domino affect to follow. Selby was now dead and all of your phones pinged off with money now on your heads for killing Selby.

“see! this why I didn’t want to do this!” you screamed to them as you chucked your heels to the side and slipping on your trusty Crocs that you had put inside of you bag, “now you’ve dragged me into things I have no idea about,” you continued to scream as you followed Zemo out the door. 

he could tell you were on the verge of a panic attack as all of you ran in separate directions. Sam had given you a gun to protect yourself with. you weren’t the one to use a gun for anything so to even be carrying it around terrified the shit out of you. 

you could tell that if you didn’t even cause a commotion to get the people to disperse, you’d be dead in a few minutes. you shot at the air, hoping no one got hurt in the process as everyone ducked for cover. you let out a shout as the bullets rang off into the air, making you drop the gun as soon as your rounds were finished. 

all of you landed in some alley as you stood up against the building, trying to catch your breaths in the process. Zemo immediately asked if you were okay and reassured you that you were no longer in harm. you were safe....for the moment; however, he knew that wouldn’t last as long as he’d hope as he knew that you were now apart of their vigilante group whether you wanted to be or not. 

after you met the infamous Sharon Carter, she had brought all of you to her place. she could sense that you did not belong in the group as she noticed how panicked you were by the entire situation. you hadn’t said a word after introducing yourself to her and frankly, she was concerned for you. 

“I have clothes upstairs you could change into. I get the feeling you aren’t in the mood to party so you could stay on the second level until it ends.” 

you thanked her, grabbing your bag and walking up the stairs. you landed inside of a room as the clothes were inside of the closet. you quickly slipped on the athleisure wear and sat on the bed, trying to calm yourself down from the previous events. 

“you okay?” you heard Zemo say from the door. you didn’t respond as you remained looking at your shaky hands, “hey,” he whispered, bending down on one knee looking at you. 

“do I look okay?” you replied a bit hastily, “I have money on my head for something I didn’t even do. I’m a criminal now, Zemo. I had no intentions of ever becoming what I am now. I just don’t understand why any of you would do this to someone who was still recovering from the blip!” you exclaimed as tears ran down your face. 

Zemo sighed, seeing the look of hurt, distrust, and panic all over your face. he had no idea you’d be this upset with the entire situation but seeing as you looked at the text that had your face with the wanted sign over it, he could tell you were realizing the severity of the situation. 

“what do I even tell my mom? my siblings?” you asked, “they have no idea of any of this and now I’m some criminal with a target over my head.” Zemo grabbed your hand and rubbed it softly with his thumb, “I know and after all of this is over, you’ll be free to do whatever you want. you just have to stick through this. we need you here,” he replied. 

you growled, “and what do I get out of it? trauma? therapy again?” you retorted. Zemo shook his head as you unknowingly slipped to his side and cried to his shoulder, “possibly but at least you’ll have people by your side this time. I’ll make sure you’ll never have to be by yourself again,” he said. 

you looked at him through tear stained eyes and nodded as he brought you in for an embrace. you were comforted by the cologne he was wearing as he sang softly in your ear. it sounded like some lullaby you would’ve heard as a kid. 

“promise?” you asked him. Zemo nodded, bending down to give you a kiss. you quickly reciprocated the kiss and had Zemo hold you close as the two of you remained kissing each other, “promise,” he murmured against your lips. 

from the crack of the door, Sam and Bucky wanted to interrupt you in order to kill Zemo for even thinking of kissing you but from down the hall, Sharon warned that it wasn’t any of their business to do such a thing.

Sam knew that he had all the consequences falling on him if something happened to you and being that you were now a wanted woman for the killing of Selby, the very least he could do is let you have this with Zemo. he might’ve hated his guts like it was nobodies business but for the time being, you were calm and not trying to kill him or Bucky. 

#marvel #marvel imagine #marvel x reader #helmut zemo #zemo imagine #zemo x reader #zemo x you #zemo x y/n #falcon and the winter soldier #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws #tfatws imagine #tfatws x reader #sam wilson #bucky barnes #falcon #winter soldier #baron zemo

[moonbaby26]

Title: Diamond in the Rough

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x Reader

Summary: Continuation from last chapter. You and the others get some more down time in your last day and night on the ship together. Reader talks about some sensitive things with Peter, culminating in more bonding and fluff at the end.

Warnings: Some cursing, mentions of sex and arousal. Nothing explicit though.

Chapters: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Taglist: @drikawinchester , @n0obmaster69 , @alexloveskili , @what-a-silver-lining , @bluesprings18 , @weakmoony-stuff , @slytherinsi-mp , @wintwrsoldiwr , @tommy-braccoli , @amourtentiaa , @cringingmemeries , @bi-panicatthe-disco , @himbos-are-my-lifeblood , @simp4mcuwomen

Peter Maximoff x Reader Masterlist

—————————

“So you really weren’t going to tell me that you just said ‘screw it, peace out, guys!’, and pulled the sacrifice card to throw yourself out of a plane?”

Peter’s voice carried through the barracks as he looked at you like you were the crazy one for once.

“Well...it was in the middle of crashing at the time.” You countered, much quieter by comparison and looking to Jean or Kurt for any help here. Some of you were sitting on the floor, others on the beds, roughly in a circle as you talked.

But Kurt only piped up to make it worse. “Yes, I did not like that at all. Next time we must find another way. I thought too that you’d chosen to go down with the plane so we could escape, (Y/N).”

“But you can fly right? None of us could fly.” Scott butted in a bit unexpectedly though, on your side of the argument no less.

“(Y/N) can levitate like me.” Jean corrected. “The flying is newer though, not yet perfected.” She smiled at you then in a way that told you she wasn’t about to let you back out of getting credit for that risk taken in Egypt. “You still hit the ground, hard.” She added. “I went back in your mind to make sure you’d made it after we teleported.”

The others all looked at you, and you tried not to lose your nerve. “My energy field was still up though when I hit. That’s the important part...”

“I mean I could jump off a building with a helmet on, I’m pretty sure it still wouldn’t work out for my head.” Peter retorted, though with a very self aware look before he finished. “And no, that’s not what’s wrong with me.”

Scott actually laughed at that, which surprised both you and Peter at least. Maybe he was different when alone with Jean, but in front of the group he’d stayed fairly no nonsense since Egypt. Though who could blame him for being a bit uptight after all he’d been through recently.

“We did all get pretty wrecked.” Peter admitted after a moment though. “Thanks for the save, Jean. Up top.” He held his hand up in front of her to signal for a high five.

She obliged, but a bit half heartedly. “I had the Professor in my head though, egging me on. He helped me unlock that. But I still couldn’t have done anything if you all hadn’t held that guy in place for that long for me. He just would have escaped.”

“I wonder what happened to the woman?” Kurt considered. “Do you think she learned her lesson too?”

“I doubt it,” Ororo answered then. “We called her Psylocke. But she just wanted to be more powerful. I don’t think she’d care now about who we hurt.” She looked at all of you at that. “I am sorry...if I hadn’t said well enough before. I thought he wanted to make the world better for us, but he didn’t. He really did just want to control everyone, human and mutant alike. I was wrong.”

Scott shrugged. “You figured it out by the time it really mattered.”

“And he probably just would have tried to kill you if you’d shown disloyalty any sooner than that,” You agreed.

“Can’t stay mad at anybody with a sick mohawk like that anyway.” Peter commented too, clearly admiring her hair.

Ororo chuckled. “If I’d known other mutants like you all before, things likely would have been a lot different.”

“Well you know us now.” Jean offered.

“Yes, I’m new here too,” Kurt added. “There’s a lot to learn. I’m glad Raven found me as well to bring me to the school. I never had mutant friends either in the circus.”

“Woah, wait. You were in a circus? Like the whole bit? Elephants and clowns and stuff?” Peter turned his head to look at him, curiosity easily peaked.

“Ja.” Kurt replied.

As those two went off into a separate conversation about whether or not there’d been bearded ladies, strong men, and the like in the Bavarian circus, you just looked back to Jean.

“We’ll definitely have a lot to catch up on when we get home. You think Jubilee is going to be mad that she missed all the action?” You asked, only half joking.

“Oh man,” Jean conceded. “She’ll be all over us wanting details.”

But her next words surprised you a little as her voice so easily transitioned just into your mind afterward for privacy, her lips no longer moving.

“You know as soon as she finds out you met someone, she’s going to go nuts wanting details about Peter.”

You could only look at her for a moment. It was such a strange thing to consider. This had all happened so fast. But with her bringing up that point, it was the first time you’d really thought about what it would be like to potentially introduce him to other friends of yours back home, to try and communicate what he meant to you already.

Could you call him your boyfriend? Would you say you were dating? He’d already called himself that label, but did that mean you could say it? Would the others even believe it was possible to feel these things for someone you’d only known such a short time? Would they think you were naive, or just caught up in the whirlwind of the moment and that this would all fade?

“Hey, relax. I wasn’t trying to send you into a tailspin.” Jean’s mental voice broke back through that wave of anxious thoughts. “I haven’t known Scott for very long either. If anyone wants to waste energy judging us, I would say that’s their problem.”

“Yeah,” You just answered then, remembering you still needed to respond in a way that made sense to the last thing she’d actually said out loud, about Jubilee. But you went quiet afterward, letting the others steer the conversation to new things as you all continued just trying to pass the time.

It wasn’t too very long later though when you’d had another visitor to the barracks. You were all a bit surprised to see Moira walk in, noticeably without the Professor and carrying something in her hands.

“Some new brass arrived today, or officials I mean. They wanted to speak to Charles themselves.” She said quickly, obviously realizing by your looks that you were all wondering the same thing of where he was. “But I wanted to come by and take care of this for the ones that needed pictures.”

As she spoke, she raised up the thing in her hands as if that should also be some clear explanation for her purpose here. It still took you a moment honestly to realize it for what it was, accompanied by what she’d said.

“For your licenses and passports that we’re printing.” She clarified anyway before continuing, the polaroid camera in her hands. “You two,” She pointed at you and Peter, and then at Raven. “And you. You already had valid driver’s licenses. We’ll reuse those photos for a new license and passport. Charles wanted everyone to have both, as you’ll still need to travel within the U.S. as well once we’re back. The rest of you I need current photos of.”

The thought of Peter actually taking the time to get a driver’s license seemed pretty absurd when he could travel anywhere much faster on foot, but before you could ask him anything, Hank was speaking up.

“But I already had a license and a passport,” Hank responded in some confusion.

Moira looked a little awkward, but still answered kindly. “But the pictures were of you before. It won’t match how you look right now for us to get back into the country.”

Raven snickered and Hank shot her an unamused look.

“Uh, but I can’t take off my glasses. You want me to take it with my eyes closed?” Scott asked dryly, though it was a legitimate question.

Belatedly you realized this also meant he’d been completely prepared to drive one of the Professor’s cars illegally then, before you’d asserted yourself to be the one to drive you all to the mall that day. This was a mental note you’d have to save for later.

“Glasses on is fine. We’ll note it as a medical exemption.” Moira answered easily, though already looking for a spot to have them stand against. “And this might actually be better to do in the hallway, if you could- Hey!” Her hands were abruptly empty, as she startled, then looking around.

You blinked after the flash that came almost simultaneously. A hand squeezed your shoulder before Peter pulled back away, the stolen camera in his other hand as the photo began to eject from it.

“I thought you couldn’t move like that with your leg,” Moira chided, now realizing what had happened. “And that thing isn’t mine to break, just so we’re clear.”

“You’re like three feet away, I don’t have to run if I can just lean over and grab it.” Peter responded smoothly, pulling the photo out before offering her back the camera. “So what, that thing is CIA issue? If I push the wrong button is it going to laser me or something?”

“No.” She huffed. But didn’t look as if she wished to extend the conversation any further to get drug into this right now. She just motioned for the others to follow her into the hall as she then turned away. “Come on, guys. We’ll try to make this quick.”

Peter didn’t seem to mind either way, just putting his attention back to the photo he was now holding as if it were a prize. “What do you think?” He asked you after a moment, the image becoming more and more visible as the film developed.

You saw yourself there, though surprisingly not a terrible image considering you hadn’t even been prepared. Your expression in the photo was simply neutral, glancing elsewhere even as Peter’s smile was wide and bright, him leaning in with his face almost touching yours in the photograph.

“I’ve taken worse,” you said truthfully, but then looked back to him, amused at his seeming satisfaction with it. You wondered if he was actually planning on keeping the photo, instead of it just being a little joke. Wouldn’t he rather a better one at least?

“What?” He questioned, seeing your expression. He flicked the photo gently. “It proves you’re real if anyone asks later.”

“Why would you have to prove...” But you ended up just smiling, and gave up before you even really started, seeing how happy he still looked. “If you want a picture together, I’m sure she’d let us take another if we asked. You know, if we asked nicely, and didn’t just steal her camera this time.”

“I like this one.” He insisted though, holding onto it regardless. “It really looks like you.”

“Um...wouldn’t I always look like me?” You asked quizzically.

“It’s real,” He tried to explain. “Natural? If we took another you’d just smile on purpose.”

You still didn’t fully understand. He was smiling in the picture after all. But to his point maybe, he did look almost giddy in the photo. Not something you would be able to replicate on command. “Okay.” You said, fine either way. “If you like that best.”

“There is something I think I’m going to ask Moira anyway though when she comes back,” He admitted.

It wasn’t very long either until you were able to find out what that was.

When the others did start to file back in after taking their pictures in the hallway, Moira had just leaned in the doorway briefly to thank them. “We’ll have these made up in time for tomorrow for your travel documents, thank you.”

She was already turning to leave again before Peter stopped her.

He cocked his head, piping up. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

She did pause, but her look back at him was slightly wary. Likely not knowing if this would be more humor or not. “Yes?”

He didn’t mess around though this time, just getting to the point outright. “Do you think you could send somebody to my Mom’s house? You know, just to say everything’s cool and I’ll be home soon? She’s probably losing her mind right now.”

Moira’s expression changed fully at that, empathy going to the forefront. “Of course. Yes. What’s her name? Her address?”

That mood faded just as quickly though as he raised his eyebrows, teasing. “Well shouldn’t the CIA know that?”

She sighed. Staring at him as the annoyed look returned.

“You’re so serious,” Peter smirked. “Magda Maximoff, suburbs outside D.C.” He rattled off a street address afterward, but still continued, “We’re in the phonebook anyway. Prof.’s been there too, he’d know.”

“We’ll look it up.” She agreed. “See you guys later.”

With that she was gone. The rest of you settled back, just sitting and talking again. And you’d gone off with Peter down by your beds after a while. Just the two of you again.

You’d realized obviously before now by their interactions that the Professor had met Peter at some point previous to his coming to the mansion the other day. But like so many things, in the rush of everything, you hadn’t learned much more.

“So Xavier’s been to your house. Was he trying to recruit you for the school?” You asked, honestly just curious. Though it was a little disappointing to consider you may have had a chance to meet Peter much sooner if he’d accepted any kind of invitation like that then.

You had been sitting on the bottom bunk together again, but he leaned back behind you now, stretching before putting his arms behind his head. He pulled his legs and cast awkwardly back up into the bed as you shifted to try and let him get how he wanted.

He looked pretty content though as he lowered an arm back to put it across your lap. “Well that was years ago. He had hair, he was walking. He didn’t want me for your little private school though. He just wanted me to help them spring my dad from the Pentagon...but I don’t think he knew it was my dad either then. It was all Logan’s plan to bring me. Really I didn’t find out much else. These dudes just showed up at my house, and I went with them to commit a felony.” He shrugged a little. “Probably not that smart, right? But I didn’t have anything else cool to do that day I guess.”

You wondered how much of that story Xavier would really tell you if you asked one day. You could only imagine what reasoning someone like the Professor would have to do something so brazen, even if it was to help Erik. Especially when Xavier had always preached to you all the importance of staying within the law and not using your powers to exploit any rules that would apply to non mutants. For now, you only asked a little bit more though. “How many people actually came to your house to do that then?”

“Oh, it was just three. Prof., Hank, and Logan.”

Well that made it even more interesting really. Hank was also so well known for always following the rules. But then again, he also was one of Xavier’s longest friends, like Raven and Erik. They’d all known each other since many years ago.

But this was the second time Peter had said this name of ‘Logan’. Shouldn’t you know that name? Well yes, you knew at least one. You couldn’t forget the name Jean had told you back in Stryker’s base. The man who’d gone on a rampage, though also cutting you violently from your own restraints before he’d escaped. Honestly you might even have scars from that when this was all said and done. But the name in and of itself wasn’t that unusual of a name. And what Peter was talking about apparently occurred years ago.

“I don’t think I know a Logan,” You said honestly. “Was he a mutant too?”

“Oh hell yeah,” Peter answered, raising up a closed fist. He made a noise, and a motion you didn’t understand as if he was doing something in midair with his fist, before adding. “Three big claws come shooting out this dude’s hand. It was so gross, but badass.”

You stared, the realization finally hitting hard. It couldn’t be a coincidence then. “Peter!” You exclaimed abruptly. There was just no way they were two different people. It was too unique of a mutation. “That’s the guy!”

“Huh?” He looked up at you in surprise. Confused at your sudden excitement.

“The one from the base! Didn’t Jean tell you?” Without thought, you lifted your shirt enough to show him those long claw marks still red across your stomach. They were dry now, already trying to heal. But it was three in a row, still clear as day. “The guy that tore through all those soldiers and freed me, she told me that his name was Logan.”

“She didn’t tell me that.” Peter stammered slightly, definitely caught off guard as you’d raised your shirt. “She just said to expect you to be bloody when I went looking for you.” He was staring at your exposed skin now though. “So Logan did that?”

You tensed slightly as you felt his fingertips graze your abdomen. It wasn’t unpleasant, just a bit unexpected. You lowered your shirt back down, but noticed obviously when he just let his hand stay under it.

When you didn’t show further aversion to the touch though, his hand continued idly wandering on the skin that was unbroken. “Well damn, that’s super screwed up then. I know they said a guy went full rage mode and tore the place up. And yeah, I saw the bodies he left when I went looking for you. But they didn’t say his name. I didn’t see him either before he took off.”

“It has to be the same person.” You reiterated. “But if you really want to be sure, you can always think of those memories of him, the Logan that you knew. If you let Jean look into your thoughts later, she could tell you for certain if it was him.

Peter looked a little disconcerted, but just agreed anyway. “Yeah, sure. I just, man how long did they have him there then? What a dick that Stryker guy was. Fuck him.”

But after the little bit of anger, he was only looking back at you. That thought of Stryker seeming to also remind him of your initial meeting with him. “How’s your ribs?”

You felt his fingers trail up across them at the question. “Sore,” You admitted. “But what isn’t?”

His voice was quieter then though, his hand moving back down before it reached your chest. “Then don’t jump out of any more planes please.”

You paused, wondering if he really was so bothered about that to have brought it up again. You’d all played so fast and loose that day though, doing whatever you felt you had to do. “It was a big day of firsts that’s for sure.”

“No kidding.” He agreed.

And nothing was ever going to be the same again was it? Even when you were all home again and the mansion was finally rebuilt. Were you all just going to go back to class like you hadn’t almost died? Would you just pretend that you didn’t know there were still entities out there that wanted you dissected, destroyed, or both?

“I think it gave the Professor a lot to think about too.” Is what you finally said. “I feel like he’s going to change some things going forward. But I don’t know how much yet. I don’t know if this could really mean the resurrection of the X-Men.” It was a crazy thought. Xavier and Hank never really liked to talk about that part of their past. They’d lost a lot then, or at least that’s always what you’d inferred from the bits and pieces you had heard over the years.

“X-Men...” Peter repeated, making a face like he wasn’t sure if it was a decent name or not. “Guess it’d still be better than being called Charlie X’s Angels or something like that.”

You smirked. “You know they used to all have codenames too.” Though you were sure not all of them were self named. “Xavier was just Professor X, Hank was Beast, Raven was Mystique, Scott’s brother Alex was Havok, your dad was Magneto of course. But there was Banshee, Darwin, and Tempest as well.”

He gave you a contemplative look. “Can I call you Lite-Brite then?”

Your look must have clearly said no, but he just kept going, very amused at your reaction.

“Glo-Worm?” He offered instead.

“Seriously? You’d name me after a bug?”

“Nah, they’ve got these super cute toy ones. Wanda had one. She slept with that thing all the time. They glow when you hug them.” He was grinning again now. “I mean, you’re comforting too right? Think I could make you glow?”

“I don’t think it works that way.” But honestly you might be lying to save face as he was now rubbing his hand further up into your shirt again.

“Don’t we all lose a little control when we get excited?” He countered, his tone getting a little more dangerous. “I know I do.”

You felt that statement was likely a bit of a trap, hesitating as your curiosity swelled. What could happen with his powers if he did have an uncontrolled moment like that? He was likely right though. Just like the onset of mutant powers came for most of you around the same time as puberty, they could also be triggered by intense emotions or stress. So it was reasonable to think that another powerful feeling such as arousal could also lead to some issues for those of you already less experienced in controlling yourselves.

“Brings a whole new meaning to safe sex doesn’t it?” He said as he let go of you then, putting his hands back behind his head. He still looked too amused, even though he seemed to sense when you needed another break from the touching to process your own thoughts.

“Did that happen with her?” You asked though. Not afraid, but yes, maybe some concern in your expression. You really hadn’t considered any of this before.

His smile faded at the unexpected mention of Crystal again. But he only hesitated a little, looking at you as he answered honestly. “Sometimes. She uh, burnt me a couple times. In the literal sense. She was like the band, Earth, Wind, and Fire. I mean she could control water too, but I liked the band joke better.” He frowned slightly. “She always hated that joke though.”

“Did you do anything to her?” You responded quietly before you could think better of it. Was this really any of your business? No, not really. But, it could be a part of your future.

There was a little surprise in his eyes, but his answer was immediate. “Babe, I’m the last person you’d ever have to be afraid of.” He looked bothered still as he continued though. “And no, I never hurt her. She would have knocked me into next week if I had.”

“So what does happen if you lose control that way?” You still asked, deciding you still did want to know.

He gave you an awkward look. But if he was going to offer out this information, it seemed there was going to at least be a small price for it. “If I’m really riled up? Turned on? You can say it outright you know.”

You weren’t going to say it in any more explicit way than that though, but you nodded at least. “Yes, you know what I mean.”

He sighed at your modesty, but reached out his hand after a moment. “Let me see your wrist then. Way easier just to show you.”

Well, if it was anything dangerous, he wouldn’t be so casual about it would he? You did offer him your wrist, not knowing what to expect as he clasped his hand around it.

You could tell he was focusing on something for just a moment, before the oddest sensation you’d ever felt shot from your wrist, down into your fingertips, and all the way up into your shoulder before you jerked your hand back in surprise.

Your reaction didn’t seem to faze him at all though as he’d easily let you go. It looked like you’d only done exactly as he expected. “You’ll still feel it for a bit after, just so you know.”

And you could still feel it, fading but definitely there as you flexed your fingers. “What did you do?” It wasn’t painful, but it was like a tingling, instantaneous whenever he’d done it. Not just through the skin, but into the bone, the muscle, everything. The only thing you could liken it to at all is when a limb woke up from being asleep, yet it wasn’t as uncomfortable as that and it was far deeper.

“Well you asked what happens if I get too excited. I, uh, vibrate?” He tried to call it something without really knowing what to call it. “I’m no science guy, but I’d guess it moves everything I’m touching down to what, the atoms right? So that’s what you’d feel. But it wouldn’t just be from my hand. I was doing it on purpose there. If it wasn’t on purpose it’d be literally all of me doing it.”

So that would mean, well...that would be a very intense sensation to say the least if you would happen to be having skin to skin contact in more places than one when he would accidentally do that. You tried not to let your expression change much at the realization. The last thing you wanted to do was to throw this very personal dialog further down into the gutter.

“I still think you’d glow though.” He added confidently. “And if your energy deal is always as warm as it was in that elevator shaft back at the base, I think it’d feel really good too. Just for the record.”

Yes, this was definitely teetering on that edge of going fully into a place you weren’t ready for just yet. But you only had yourself to blame. You asked him to elaborate, and he did. You knew your powers could be a lot more than harmless though. Much more than warmth. You didn’t know if it’d be too pessimistic to mention that right now though.

“I don’t know what I would do.” You finally said, just speaking the truth when you didn’t know what else to say.

“We can talk about something else you know if you want.” He poked you gently in the arm, seemingly offering you an escape route if you wished to take it. “Like we’re still going to the mall at some point right?”

“Definitely.” You answered gladly.

“You should come over too, play some video games when we get back. I’ve got an Atari and a Nintendo. Or we could watch a movie. You like Bruce Lee? Karate Kid? Stuff like that?”

The genuine eagerness emerging in his tone was something you really appreciated. A reminder that in reality, even though he evidently enjoyed any physical contact he was allowed to have with you, it was only a part of the whole picture. He just wanted to be around you too.

“Yes, I think that’d be awesome. I haven’t seen many of those movies, but usually Jubilee picks for movie night. Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles...over and over.”

He laughed. “Oh, no way. There’s more to life than Molly Ringwald. Time to expand your horizons!”

You were smiling too, about to say something back when Scott’s voice carried from further down the barracks.

“Hey, they brought dinner if either of you want to eat!”

“But is it even worth a crap!?” Peter called back immediately and just as loudly.

“Heck if I know!” Scott answered and you could swear you heard a lot less loud Jean tell him to quit yelling in her ear.

“I’m still salty about that fake strawberry garbage from earlier.” Peter said, just to you then as he sat back up.

It wasn’t much of a surprise to you though that the food would be brought to you all this time, considering the episode in the mess hall before. The only thing that did surprise you was that it would already be dinner time. Though it was hard to have much concept of time right now really, especially when there were no windows to see the sun or sky below deck.

But it did give it more of that prison feel too. The hours running together, locked away in close quarters, and now with government mandated food being dropped off impersonally. It either felt like prison or being in a rare species exhibit at the zoo.

“Well, you said you’re like a hummingbird metabolism wise, right? You have to eat something.” You spoke, while hanging back to give Peter a chance to get up on his crutches.

Really the hummingbird analogy you were liking more and more though as you personally thought they were adorable, and they literally were the bird equivalent to him in your opinion. This flamboyant little bird that beat its wings so fast it could actually hover in place or disappear in a blur once they did decide to take off. Not to mention the exclusive high sugar diet.

“Glo-Worm,” Was all he replied back, but very pleased when it still got a strong reaction from you.

“Please don’t make that one stick. It’s a lot less cute than Hummingbird.”

But he just offered a non-committal smile, walking past you. “We’ll see.”

——————————

Some few hours later, when it was time for lights out again, Peter had wanted to take a shower so you were already in the bottom bunk alone.

You tried to stay awake to wait for him, but you must have already been asleep for how bad you startled when you felt something pressing down against the mattress beside you.

And when you shot up, you were even more confused at the sudden pressure against the top of your head before you finally woke up enough to realize Peter now had his hand splayed there, pushing your head back a little.

“Woah,” He whispered in the dark. “You about nailed the top of the bunk. It’s just me.”

You relaxed, trying to look at him before you felt him let go, laying down beside you. As you laid down as well, he shifted several times, trying to get comfortable.

“I hate this damn cast.” He complained. “Do you know how weird it is to have to shower with a garbage bag tied around your leg?”

You could feel his still wet hair though on the pillow as he nuzzled in closer with you. You’d both joked a little earlier about looking forward to getting to share this bed one more time tonight before heading back to the U.S. and your sort of more normal lives tomorrow. The emphasis of the joking though had been about getting to continue the kissing that had been interrupted on the flight deck.

But now that you were here, you found you really just wanted to hold him and enjoy the warmth and quiet together. Because you didn’t know when this chance would come again. Would you go your separate ways tomorrow? You back to New York and wherever the other displaced students were now staying, and him back to D.C. to reunite with his mother? He wouldn’t be able to run and come to find you again until his cast was off. And how many weeks would that take, even with mutant healing factors?

You didn’t really know what the exact plan was after you’d arrive in the U.S. either, but maybe there was something you could do after all. “Hey.” You said quietly after a bit, hoping he was still awake.

“Mmm?” He made a questioning noise, hugging a bit tighter to you.

You took it as enough response to say that he was listening. “So they said that we’re landing in New Jersey tomorrow, right? Well everyone else is going to want to go north to get back to Salem Center, New York.” You didn’t really need to clarify where the school had been though, he’d obviously already found it. “But you’ll need to go south to get back to D.C., and it’s not like Xavier is going to expect you to find your own way home. Someone’s going to have to drive you and-”

But Peter didn’t even let you finish, already very on board with the idea. “And we give Prof. the old puppy eyes and beg for it to be you.” You knew he was grinning again then just by his tone. “I like it. Road trip.”

You felt relief that he approved of your spur of the moment plan, but then again he’d already said he wanted you to come over to his house sometime. You wouldn’t be able to stay very long you were sure, but at least you’d get the car ride together if this all worked out. And you’d get to see where he lived, maybe even hang out for a little while before having to drive back to New York.

It was funny how just like that you now had something to look forward to again. But would Xavier really be on board? Would he feel comfortable letting you drive back alone? You’d just have to convince him that you were old enough now and capable.

“I guess I should have cleaned my room a little better before I left.” Peter mused. “Can be a bit of a train wreck, just like the dude that lives in it.”

“Oh, someone else lives there too?” You teased slightly.

But Peter only played along. “Yeah, a real piece of work. Guy just plays video games all day, and wears out the same shitty records playing them over and over with the volume up. Maybe reads some comic books or jets off to nab some Twinkies from the convenience store down the block. Real outstanding citizen. I heard he’s dating now though. Who the hell would want that charity project?”

“Hmm.” You knew he was only half joking, Peter really still seeing himself in the way he just described to a large degree. But you were patient, and determined to keep working on building his self confidence little by little. “I think if he met someone then, it’d be someone who believes in the old ‘diamond in the rough’ expression. They must really just like him for him. They probably even see his real value even when he can’t yet.”

Peter was quiet for a few moments at that before you felt him run a hand through your hair. “I guess that would make him really lucky then. He probably should bust his ass to make sure he doesn’t disappoint them then and screw that one up.”

You smiled softly. “All he has to do is be himself. If you have to fight too hard just to maintain a relationship, it likely was never right to begin with.”

“Been there, done that.” He at least agreed, but was now running his fingers down along your face.

You knew what he was hoping for and leaned in to meet him as you kissed. It was very soft though, like he was still thinking of what you’d said. He didn’t press for much more either, just a few more kisses before he nuzzled his face back down against you.

“I’m still going to do the best I can.” He spoke quietly against your neck. “I want you to be happy.”

“I am.” You said. Feeling every bit of those words as you stayed warm against one another. It felt safe. It felt right.

And no one said anything else. You were both content to leave it that way, falling asleep just as you were.

———————————

(Continued in next chapter here)

#quicksilver #quicksilver x y/n #quicksilver x you #quicksilver x oc #quicksilver x reader #quicksilver xmen #peter maximoff #peter maximoff x y/n #peter maximoff x you #peter maximof x reader #peter maximoff x oc #x men #xmen #x men fanfiction

[hawkinsindiana]

were you ever going to tell me?

ALMOST PARADISE: PART THREE - CHAPTER THREE OF TEN (?)

pairing: steve harrington x henderson!reader

word count: 3.5k

a/n: god damn.... it’s been a while. happy fuckin’ new year! hope you enjoy one of the most angst ridden chapters ruby and i have ever written. also pretty sure there’s going to be ten chapters! obvi i will inform you if that changes! hope you all have been staying safe and healthy! mwah!

masterlist

You and Steve haven’t spoken since Friday night when it slipped from your lips how you’ve felt - how you’ve felt about him for a year.

There’s not a doubt in your mind that it’s over. You should’ve known better than to keep something like that from him, that’s overwhelming information for anyone to receive. Even though the words “we’re done” haven’t been said, you’re positive that they don’t need to be.

And Steve - god, he hasn’t known what to think about it all. Unconsciously, he’s spent the last two days reliving everything, and of course you had feelings for him. You threw away so much for him and he rarely returned the favor. He almost hates how devoted you were - no, he doesn’t mean that.

He can’t mean that.

Steve’s wanted to reach out every moment that you two have been apart. He doesn’t blame you for the fact that you haven’t, he can’t imagine what’s going on inside your head; he assumes you’re pissed beyond belief.

The school day’s been tough. Knowing that Steve’s here and inside these walls, it makes you flare up with embarrassment and shame. You can’t wait to get out of here.

Jonathan’s voice startles you a bit when he approaches your locker, just passing by on his way out to say goodbye. Concern blooms from within him at the way you hold yourself, how your eyes can’t seem to focus on anything in particular as you turn the dial.

He clears his throat as he tries to come with something to discuss, “So, uh - do anything else fun over the weekend? Will told me you watched something spooky. Hopefully Dustin wasn’t too annoying this time.”

Jonathan laughs, crossing his arms over his chest, “Like remember that time we took them to see Cujo? I felt so bad for the other people in the theater.”

“I, um-“ You stutter over your words as you swing the door open, mind flashing back to events on Friday, “No, I didn’t do anything else this weekend. It was pretty shitty, actually.”

“Bummer,” Jonathan leans against the column as you unzip your backpack and begin to unload your belongings. His brow furrows further once he notices something else is off, until he finally realizes what. 

“Steve’s runnin’ late today,” Jonathan checks his watch, “You two are typically joined at the hip right about now.” 

And by the way your jaw clenches and your actions freeze slightly, Jonathan can tell he unwillingly struck a nerve.

Your throat starts to close up as you think about him again, feeling the familiar burning sensation behind your eyes, “I haven’t, uh, I haven’t seen him. I don’t know where he is.”

Jonathan watches you intently. He hasn’t seen you like this in a while - not since the day after Halloween. The puzzle starts to put itself together.

He leans in a touch closer; his whispers are covered by the rustling sound of you putting on your windbreaker, “Did something happen? Are you two… you know, good?”

You’re an inch away from whisking Jonathan somewhere else to tell him everything. Over the past few months - but especially over the last couple days - you’ve been tempted to let the secret spill. Keeping all your feelings in, both the good and the bad, doesn’t feel like such a good idea anymore. 

You figured that Nancy would be the person you’d tell. While it’d probably be awkward at first, she is the one who told you to go for it, regardless of the past. 

But Jonathan’s right here. And someone else has to know. 

“You can’t tell anyone else,” You say, tossing your backpack over your shoulder. Your tone matches his, quiet and hushed underneath the obnoxiously loud commotion of the hallway. 

Jonathan’s face twists; both curiosity and concern is laced throughout his expression, “Uh, yeah. Of course.”

The experiences you’ve shared will bond you forever. You’d trust Jonathan with your life - you figure he can handle this piece of information too. 

A deep sigh passes from your lips. You don’t know why you’re so scared to admit this.

“Steve and I, we - we’re, uh…” Your hand moves absently in the air as you try to find the words. But when you trail off in search of them, your silence says enough. Jonathan’s brow raises in realization - it all makes so much sense. 

And Jonathan goes to answer, mouth opening but he doesn’t get to respond. Instead, his attention is brought to your side. He kicks your shoe to grab your gaze, which moves quickly between Jonathan’s eyes, and where they landed. 

You avert your focus from Steve as soon as you see that it’s him. The quick glance is enough to transport you to that night, and the emotions you felt watching him leave. 

“Hey,” Steve speaks softly as he comes up beside you, sending a nod and light wave to Jonathan before he leans in a touch closer, “Can we talk?”

Jonathan takes that as his cue to leave - he wishes you both a good-bye. As your friend disappears into the crowd, you bite down onto the inside of your lip. 

“Yeah,” Your voice trembles, afraid because this is it. You can’t bring your gaze to meet Steve’s again, “Yeah sure.”

“Let’s uh-” Steve mutters, clearing his throat as you pull the collar of your coat away from your neck. His eyes fly around the hallway, catching sight of the other students that mill around in the space. Not here. 

Steve exhales before he speaks, “What do you say we go for a drive?”

—

Every few seconds, Steve’s eyes drift between the empty road and you; your leg bounces wildly in the silence. He’s trying to figure out how to compile his thoughts - he doesn’t even know where to begin.

The longer you both sit without speaking, the more anxious you become. You wish you had an inkling of what he plans to say. You wish you could prepare. 

Steve shifts in his seat, voice faltering a bit, “Um, are you... hungry? Wanna grab something?”

God, you hate how considerate he can be. 

You lean your head against the hand you propped on the armrest. You haven’t taken your eyes away from the landscape beyond the window since buckling in. It takes every fabric of your being to try and forget that Steve’s beside you; it’s the only way you can attempt to calm yourself down. 

It doesn’t help that every time you’re in Steve’s car, you’re surrounded by memories. 

Like when you spent ten minutes explaining the chemistry assignment, only for him to grab your notes and toss them into the front seat. 

You protested, about ready to smack him when his fingers danced over your jaw, pulling you closer. He kissed you for a moment before muttering against your lips, “I think I’d rather study our chemistry instead.”

You couldn’t take him seriously after that comment; you laughed until your stomach hurt. Steve couldn’t even be offended, the sound of your giggles only brought a smile to his face. 

“I don’t what you think is so funny,” He quipped, smirking as he looked back at you, “That was one of my best ones!”

You scoffed, “You say a lot of cheesy shit, Harrington. But that? That was the worst one out of them all.” 

Steve didn’t get a chance to reply, because you took his face in between your palms and kissed him. Your love for him is more powerful than all the horrible jokes and puns he could come up with. In fact, they only made you love him more. 

How different that moment was in comparison to the one you’re in now. You figure that it’ll take everything you have to try and get over him. 

“I’m not hungry,” You say curtly, with a tone much harsher than you intended. You immediately regret it. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” The sentence falls short, you’re not sure where it was going. You felt the need to apologize for something. This is your fault, after all.

Steve hears you curse under your breath as you ponder how to continue. Another moment passes.

You sigh before leaning back against the seat, the anger at yourself only grows with each passing second, “God, I fucked up-”

“You’re not the one who fucked up,” Steve interrupts suddenly. He runs his fingers through his hair aggressively, irritated by his own actions from the other night. He never should have left.

“Sometimes I just…” Steve pauses as he stops the car at a red light, “I can’t believe how selfless you are. And I just don’t know how to handle it most of the time.”

“I can’t imagine putting my own feelings aside for a whole year, just for another person’s happiness. I’m not sure if that’s selfish or not.”

Steve takes a deep breath, relishing in the admittance of his guilt. He figures that’s something he should do more often - he carries so much of it with him.

Barb. Nancy. The endless list of others who were touched by his lack of empathy. 

And now you. It might be too late to make it up to them, but he can certainly try to make it up to you. Hopefully, you can forgive him in time. 

“It was a second. A second, and then I turned and realized how it seemed, that I didn’t want you anymore but I do. God, I do.”

You start tearing up a bit because his words hit you harder than you were expecting, “You turned back?”

Steve looks to you briefly before he nods, “Right as you locked the door, yeah.”

He doesn’t give you time to reply; he continues speaking as the light turns green, “I’m just so lucky to have you. And I’m sorry. I never should have left that day.” 

In that moment, the relief floods your face. Once again, you expected the worst - you’ll have to learn to stop doing that. Especially with Steve. 

But Steve grows more concerned over what your expression implies. The anxiety you displayed wasn’t for no reason, he figures. 

“You weren’t worried about anything besides that, right? You didn’t think I was gonna… break up with you, were you?”

His voice is so weak with emotion because all you’ve shown him has been devotion and love and more affection than he could’ve dreamed of; this is how he pays it back? Your silence is answer enough. 

A tear finally rolls down your cheek, but you can’t help but feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders at these revelations. The only sound is that of the rain that’s begun to hit the windshield. It’s strangely soothing after the previous conversation. 

Steve reaches over the center console to hold your hand in his; you laugh and sniffle a bit, wiping your eyes as he presses a kiss to your knuckles, “We’re not very good at this, are we?” 

Steve's looking a little downtrodden - as you’re sure you are too - but his eyes are shining and he’s grinning, so it can’t be that bad. 

“No,” He chuckles too, his thumb tracing over the back of your hand tenderly, “But we’ll learn.”

—

The following weeks are fairly uneventful in regards to your relationship. Since that day, you’ve been more transparent with each other. While you were afraid the truth would only cause pain, it’s actually brought you peace. 

It hasn’t gotten any easier to face your brother, unfortunately. Every time you mention that Steve’s picking you up, Dustin’s eyes grow wide. 

“Can I come?” He begs. You always sigh - you both know that the answer is yes. Neither you nor Steve can ever seem to say no to Dustin. Especially now that a few of the kids have begun to couple up, your brother is lonelier than ever. 

While Steve might love the kid, that doesn’t mean he’s thrilled to see Dustin by your side every time. The glares that Steve sends your brother when he isn’t looking puts you in stitches. 

Steve can handle your brother crashing your dates - he figured that might happen. He wasn’t prepared to attempt to avoid all of them.

You were sure that you would finally be able to see this movie together with Dustin at Will’s with the others for the weekend. You leaned into Steve’s side, with his arm over your shoulder, just subtle enough to go unnoticed in the darkness of the theater.

It’s some cheesy film - neither of you knows or even cares what the title is because you get to be that couple at the movies, when out of nowhere-

“Hey guys! You didn’t tell me you were coming, we’ve missed like a quarter of the movie!”

You and Steve scramble to part; Steve goes beet red, hissing under his breath, “I thought you said he wasn’t coming!”

“He wasn’t! I don’t know how he even found out!”

Dustin plops himself in the seat next to yours, popcorn spilling onto the ground, “What did I miss?”

Steve coughs and it brings Dustin’s attention to the blush on his face, “Were… were you guys gettin’ cozy?”

“No!” You both exclaim; several people shush you in the audience. 

Dustin’s not sure he believes you. He offers you his box of Milk Duds, “Want some?”

His offer only fuels your annoyance with him further, “No, I don’t want any! What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were at Will’s!” 

Dustin gestures next to him as he shrugs, dumping the box of chocolates into his tub of popcorn, “Yeah, but we got bored. Mike mentioned the idea, and Max wanted to see this anyways!”

Steve groans when he sees the pack of them settling into the seats next to your brother, each of them with snacks in each hand. Mike tilts his drink towards your boyfriend, his smirk growing with every second. Steve decides telling Mike your Friday night plans is no longer a good idea.

With all of that aside, there is one thing that has been bothering Steve. He decides to inquire about it one night.

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” Steve questions; his voice breaks the silence. In the darkness, his eyes are trained on the pale color of the ceiling, absently focused on nothing. He doesn’t understand why it’s been on his mind, because it’s not important anymore. You’re together now, that’s all that matters. Right?

But it’s been keeping him awake - the curiosity. He’s not used to that.

“Hm?” Exhausted, that’s all you can muster as a response. You’re tucked against his side - every time he breathes, you rise with the motion. You like the reminder that Steve’s really here, lying with you in the late night’s twilight.

“How you felt. About me.”

Oh.

He doesn’t need to elaborate further because you know how his mind works. It’s likely that he’s been obsessively picking apart your words, trying to find any glimmer of hope; they were devastating to him.

Your chest heaves before answering, almost afraid of giving him the reason. Softening your tone, you finally answer him, “No, no I wasn’t.” 

Steve has a thousand thoughts swirling through his head now; it doesn’t make any sense that you’d want to keep yourself from a chance at happiness. He has so many things he wants to tell you, wants to ask you - but he only comes up with one.

“Why?”

It’s quiet, quieter than anything spoken so far. It seems silly, but his question contains so much sadness because he doesn’t understand it. It’s only three letters, but each one makes your body flood with emotion. And even though it’s right there, in the forefront of your mind, you can’t bring yourself to tell him.

“Maybe, if you did...” Steve continues when you don’t, carefully trying to navigate the topic, “We could’ve been happy. Not-not that I’m sayin’ we aren’t now, of course.”

His nerves calm a bit when a light laugh bubbles from you, grinning a bit as you tighten your hold on him - he returns it quickly. 

It’s a short moment of joy, because Steve’s brow furrows as his mind keeps running, “But maybe it could’ve been sooner. We could’ve been together.”

Your cheeks flush at this idea he proposes; that maybe he would’ve wanted to be with you earlier if you had just said something. But you’re still not so sure.

“Steve,” You sigh as you pull away from him, sitting up so you can meet his gaze, “You don’t know that. Maybe it had to happen this way.”

He doesn’t like that. Steve wants to believe that out there somewhere, there’s a chance he could’ve been there for you sooner. That there’s a chance you two would’ve been able to avoid all the heartache, the uncertainty, and the anger that you were left with instead.

“Besides,” You shift to cross your legs, further tangling them in the sheets as you ponder, “Do you really think you would’ve left Nancy for me?” 

And then Steve props himself up to mirror you, watching how your eyes catch the glow from the streetlight just beyond your window. He’s not sure what his answer would have been, if he really thinks about it.

“You still could’ve said something. I mean, I don’t know what I would’ve done but, I wouldn’t have just…gotten rid of you.”

Steve adjusts to move closer, desperately trying to think of anything he could say to make the situation better. Although he’s not sure he’d ever be able to, not after what he did. Unknowingly, as you’ve pointed out countless times, it doesn’t make his heart ache any less.

“You loved her,” You mutter, voice soft; your gaze cast down towards your hands, “And I didn’t think you’d ever see me differently. If all I was going to be was your friend, then that was better than never having you at all. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was something.”

It’s Steve’s turn not to say anything, because you’re not wrong. It’s true that he didn’t start developing feelings for you until after Nancy had left, and that you were only a friend in his eyes before then. And even though he knows that’s the truth, it still hurts to hear it come from you. It hurts to hear that you never believed you had an opportunity.

“I made the choice not to tell you, Steve,” You finally turn to face him and his soft brown eyes are patiently awaiting your final answer, “I didn’t want it to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” He pauses after scoffing slightly, “What are you talking about?” 

“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to choose. And we know now that she didn’t love you, but I-” The sentence stops before you can end it, as if it was pulled right from your mouth, like every other time you’ve tried to.

But something’s different now. Your heart isn’t pounding, cheeks aren’t scarlet with embarrassment; part of you wonders if it’s because you think he already knows. 

And with another breath, another sigh, you finally finish it.

“But I do.”

You chuckle as you become overwhelmed with your own emotions. You can’t help the smile that begins to creep up over your lips, realizing you’re finally comfortable enough to tell him how you feel. 

“I’m so in love with you. And I’d never want to do anything to hurt you. Ever. I always thought that if I told you, it’d do more harm than good so… I chose not to do anything about it. You were happy and god... the last thing I have ever wanted to do was take that away from you. So I figured I would just let it tear me apart until I didn’t feel it anymore.”

You feel so much lighter - every card you’ve ever kept from him is now on the table. There’s nothing hidden anymore. 

“You don’t, um-“ You mutter, hands placed gingerly into your lap. Your head shakes - almost in disbelief - you can’t believe what you just admitted to him, “You don’t have to say anything.” 

Right away, Steve opens his mouth to respond, but you stop him before he can utter a single word. He’s not even sure what he was going to say, if he’s honest with himself. But you deserve to hear something after that admission, he thinks - it’s the very least he could do.  

You know how Nancy’s lie affected him; he’s not required to admit anything that he’s not ready to, “No, it’s fine, Steve. It’s okay, I’m okay.”

How very odd for Steve, to be the one receiving this confession, the admittance of your feelings, your love and knowing that you expect nothing in return. He’s used to being on the other side of it truthfully, pouring out his heart and being left on a line - Nancy's hesitation louder than any words.

Steve doesn’t want to - he knows for sure that you wouldn’t want him to - but he feels guilty. But this love is so different from Nancy’s and he has to learn it all again, until it’s comfortable against the thrum in his heart. You’ve had plenty of time to learn to love him and he? Well, he’s on his way.

— taglist: @stevebabey / @mrsukai / @hannarudick / @crazycookiecrumbles / @hellisateenageheather / @alewifex / @l0ve-0f-my-life / @naomiiiiiiiiiii04 / @daddystevee / @thecaptainsgingersnap / @let-the-imaginationflow / @asianravenpuff / @im-a-stranger-thing / @mikariell95 / @pilunb / @harringtherin / @royalestrellas / @ultrunning / @buggs177 / @poutfull / @yoheyyosup / @duchessdaisybat / @janieavalos / @sassisaluxury / @beththebubbly / @i-bitch-you-bitch / @captainstilinskis / @juliebean247 / @im-nada / @whatabeautifulsurrender / @rexorangecouny / @pass-me-jeez-it / @ahoy-scoops-troop / @halefirewarrior / @jointhehunt67 / @peanutem / @ketchuplukehemmo / @m-a-r-i-n-t-p / @fangirl485 / @emmegirl827 / @lookalivesunshine-x / @elite4cekalyma / @marjoherbo / @just-my-fandom / @idumpyourgrass / @alafolieee / @mochminnie / @phantomalchemist / @dustyblueboo / @alonewolfsblog / @ggclarissa / @hufflepuffing-all-day-long / @bippityboppitybabe / @readinthegarden12 / @bakugouishusbando / @stxtch72 / @random-girl-army / @wisdaemon / @thatawkwardlittlefangirl

if you want to be added to the taglist, just lemme know!

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x henderson!reader #steve harrington fic #steve harrington x you #st fic #steve harrington imagine #st imagine #my writing #almost paradise