#and venting online and distancing myself from everyone bc i don’t want to annoy them with my problems

[outerspaceman]

ignore this, i need to vent for a moment ----

so i’m basically kind of super panicking atm 

not like a level of a panic attack but enough that i’m kind of shaking and keep feeling germs on literally everything and it feels like three steps away from an honest to god sort of panic attack

this isn’t from what happened in the lounge i’m not territorial i’m just kind of hella in the closet and constantly fucking panicked about people on the floor i guess 

that’s--- another story and doesn’t really matter right now, but either way

i’m feeling incredibly freaked out from a number of things today i guess. some of which i’m sure came about because i’m currently beyond exhausted and it’s just making the problem worse tbh

i just feel honestly kind of gross from being around weed smells and dealing with my anxiety over eating certain foods and touching so many things today i just honestly didn’t want to and that not wanting to was just exacerbated by the fact that i’m tired and already kind of stressed out about basically everything 

it’s just a bad oc/d day overall i guess... a lot more is bothering me today that was does on a normal basis i suppose and it’s so so so so many little things just adding up into something big that feels like a panic attack and i’m not sure what to do about that right now

i’m not sure how to help this anymore, sometimes it just kind of is there, it exists and just wants to be the most important thing in my life

i know all about oc/d i’ve basically had it my entire life. it certainly wasn’t brought on by trauma and my mother has it as well along with my entire family having 600 other mental illnesses. it’s not a great fucking time i’ll tell you that. my genes are fucked up and out for vengeance i suppose 

i don’t think it helps that every single time i end up panicking like this and other people find out about it i feel like such a fucking idiot. like i get it’s irrational and i get yeah sure sometimes it’s stupid but it’s a literal problem in my brain and having depression along for the ride is so fucked up and it leaves me in a stupor a lot of the time. i feel so bad people finding out about it. i hate telling people i even have this problem bc i constantly worry that they’ll treat me like i’m crazy, despite that’s not something that honestly exists and i hate that word so so so much

anyway i’m constantly worried about that and i’m so worried about being annoying with things i have to do. things that get in the way sometimes of something i’m trying to do. i take too long to do almost everything bc i have to, i have to do every single thing in my life in a certain way or i’ll be uncomfortable for the rest of the day, i have to take the time to do things because through the years i’ve learned that i can either waste the time and do it now or make the oc/d problem 6000000 times worse than it needed to be. 

i’m sure a lot of what i do gets annoying sometimes. i feel like living with me is hell every single day bc i have to do these things, i have to clean myself in a certain way, use the bathroom in a certain way, i have to have special soaps bc i’ve realized the more i wash my hands with shitty soap the worse they become and having open wounds on my hand just doesn’t work. it can’t work because then you get these germs in your hands and then i’m just panicking about that, so i have to take care of myself in such an annoying way i imagine to other people. 

i even have to have things in my room in a certain way. i can’t wear the same clothes outside of my room and in my bed, they have to be clean, my bed absolutely has to be clean or i can’t sleep. i feel like i’m annoying bc i have to make my room off limits sometimes because i can’t handle other people dirtying up the place. do you know how disgusting that feels to think like that? my friends aren’t dirty, no one is dirty but other people touching my things makes it feel dirty. i can’t have other people sit on my bed at all, god i can’t handle that. i can’t use the bathroom after other people because all i feel is germs, germs, and more germs. i compulsively clean off most things because i have to or other wise i can’t touch them. 

it’s mostly extended to my own living space i’ve noticed, but sometimes things outside bother me too. i’m always nice about it, i don’t say anything and i just avoid doing things that i know will trigger a fucking attack. i can’t tell people how to live their lives, that’s not my place. if i know i can’t handle it, i just won’t go in. but i know so many people take that the wrong way. i’m not trying to avoid something because i don’t like them, sometimes i have to avoid things because i know i can’t handle it mentally. 

i’m clean. i feel like i’m clean because i clean myself off all the time. i know how to clean well, i know how to get everything to feel clean. i know that sometimes other people stress me out, not because they’re actually not clean but bc my fucked up brain sees everything foreign as being dirty, no matter what it is tbh. 

it took me so many years to be able to even admit that i had oc/d. let along to type this shit out online and actually cry during that process. it’s become such a huge part of me and i know from studying psychology that this type of oc/d isn’t generally curable. it can become manageable, which at times i certainly am, but i don’t think it’s ever going to go away. 

i’m sure that sometimes it pushes people away bc of how annoying it is to deal with me. i try not to take up space or bother people with my own problems, but i know that sometimes they’re just out there and there isn’t a whole lot i can do to hide it. i love to pretend that so many things don’t bother me when instead i’m kind of screaming on the inside and shaking because i. just. can’t. handle. it. 

i don’t admit it often i guess, but i’m genuinely afraid that no one will ever be able to fully love me or be with me for an extended time because i’m too much to handle. it’s too much to ask of people but there are somethings that i just can’t do. there are certain things that cause me so much stress that i absolutely cannot do that. like the clothes thing on the bed, or pets, i feel like such an idiot about pets. do you know how badly i want my own peaches??? how much i want a corgi??? but the amount of fucking stress that comes from having a pet is too much. i can’t handle the fur, i wouldn’t be able to handle that in my room literally at all. i constantly feel like it’s everywhere and because it feels so unclean to me and it gets everywhere it would kill me a hell of a lot to be able to have a pet. at least with a rodent in a cage i can take them out and choose where that fur is going. dogs and cats are a completely different thing i guess. i also am not even going to get into how little i can fucking handle spiders//

like... what if i am too much?? what if these things are too much to ask of people? i feel like an easy person to love at a distance, but would people even care to really get to know me?? come to know all of the germ shit that bothers me or even the thoughts??? this entire post hasn’t even gotten into those. i don’t necessarily have intense intrusive thoughts per say i guess, but it’s certainly a form of it. i get stuck on something so much so, usually because liking things and spending my time thinking about something usually helps me forget my anxiety and fucked up brain for a while. but i like things so intensely sometimes that i know sometimes i just ramble about something to someone when they probably don’t even care. sometimes i just can’t help it i guess?? it’s a weird coping thing, but I notice that people get annoyed sometimes. or at least i constantly feel like they’re annoyed with me, which doesn’t help anything i guess. i get so stuck on something that i absolutely have to do it, i have to think about it, sometimes i feel like i have to talk about it. social media has helped me a lot over the years because then i can just blog about it or find others who like the thing, but it slips out around people i’m with because i get so stuck on it. i get stuck on conversations, things about a conversation that i absolutely have to mention to finish that part despite everyone else dropped it and moved on. i’m worried a lot of the time i’m forceful with conversations despite that’s not my intention at all. sometimes i literally don’t notice what it is i’m going on about, it’s just my brain absolutely has to mention the thing again. i also get caught up and stuck on doing things as well. if i get stuck in a cleaning loop then i have to finish it or otherwise i am so Stressed Out that what is honestly the point in trying to do anything else. i will sometimes honestly ignore what it is i was trying to do originally because i’m caught up in this weird side thing i had an idea about. it’s bad

i just constantly feel like a fucking bother. i worry quietly a lot again that no one can honestly fall in love with me because of this shit; because this is way too much to handle. tiny little things may bother me a lot, i feel stressed out so often that sometimes i just need to sit down and just do something alone in order to get out of it, i probably am annoying af to talk to, i a lot of the time can’t even handle physical affection because of this, i sometimes accidentally ignore people because i’m caught up in something else, etc, etc. 

there’s such a huge list of shit i deal with on a daily basis and so many people thing that you can just fix these things. like change your mind so you don’t think about them, or finding the right person that will make you forget how gross you feel. i’ve “found the right person 13 times” and yet here i am kind of crying at midnight hoping desperately that maybe someone won’t just “understand it” but will want to understand everything about it and about me and will respect and listen maybe to my incredibly fucked up head. 

sometimes i guess i feel like such an incredibly fucked up person and kind of a waste of space because of just how much shit is wrong with me. i know i wouldn’t ever say that about someone else no matter the circumstances like this, but that love has never really extended to myself. 

idk i highly doubt anyone read this, i probably don’t want anyone to read this it’s disgusting

it helped a little i guess. just to get it out there, admit it i guess. it’s been a long ass and honestly i just want to take a shower and go the fuck to sleep 

my ass needs a fucking break to learn how to take care of myself in a way that makes my life about a thousand times easier 

that’s the least i can do for myself i guess

#literally fucking ignore this #it's an entire long ass rant about oc/d bc it's been a bad mental health day i guess #writing shit out helps me breathe i guess that's about the only reason this exists #i'm not going over and reading this again so if you do read this i'm sorry i'm sure there's some shit out of panic that was horse shit #but i digress i suppose