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feelin-lo · 1 year

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The one who holds the Quill.

I did my best with Chaoxiang's personality, so apologies if it's off.

You'll also notice the "Q" in quill is capitalised. No, it's not a mistake

Chaoxiang belongs to @boiling-potato

"When Trickster said she was bringing a pet over, this was the last thing I was expecting."

"Well, she's gone off somewhere, so perhaps we can... talk."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

That's how it started, now, many hours later, these two large men are comparing books as the writer crafts another tale, and the reader criticises the choice of language.

"No matter what you say, poetry is beautiful. It takes a great mind to understand it." The one in red said, his feathered quill gliding across the page like a hot knife though butter.

"I never expressed a misunderstanding. It's too emotional and lacks any depth" The one in blue snapped back, watching the quill as it weaved his tales. "Depth? Well, you surely don't mean that. Besides, none of your compositions hold any depth" The writer bit back.

That made the other angry.

They looked into each others respective gazes, a blue eye to a pair of emerald ones. Lo turned away, hunching over so he had a better writing angle "Stubborn boy. How disrespectful. I ought to put you in your place." Chaoxiang said, standing up and approaching the red adorned man, with long hair and a star to his eye, covering what Chaoxiang could only imagine was a wound.

"Pathetic, a good word that comes to mind"

Lo ignored that, taking a deep breath, taking his time with his craft.

"A man of your Caliber shouldn't be wasting energy on romance novels or poetry. You've never once been In a relationship, have you? It shows itself in the way your words come together." The writer looked up at that, an offended look greeting the cold emerald of the other. "You write women so poorly. Have you ever been with a woman? Perhaps you'd do better with a man?" Chaoxiang asked, Lo shuffled back, his arm hitting Chaoxiang's desk "W-whats it to you? Eh? Why do you care how I write?!" Lo bit back, feeling vulnerable in the position he was in.

"I believe it offensive, offensive that you call yourself a writer if you've never experienced or seen what it is you're trying to re-create with words. It's a Lie, making readers believe that's how something truly is. When in actual fact, the writer has no clue what they're talking about" Chaoxiang spoke, kneeling down and looking deep into the blue pool that Lo's eye was.

"Ever heard of personal space?!" Lo grumbled, shuffling back further "I put to feed you to the Twins." "And I put to give you a swift left hook" Lo said, though it sounded more like a whimper, his back hit the wall and he could no longer back away from the other man in the room as he knelt down, placing his skilled hands on Lo's thighs, leaning close to his face to admire his features.

"How about we practice our word use now? How would you describe the situation you're currently in? Against the wall, pinned by someone who's 10 steps ahead of you and you have no means of escape" he punctuated every word, slowly and carefully so Lo could listen to every vowel and trust and believe, it rang in his ears like heavenly chimes, or hellish drums.

"omnipotent, standing Infront of me, hands in places that make me freeze. Impossible to move my gaze incase the man who sets himself at my legs does something so unpredictable..." Lo recited, his heart quivering and writhing, threatening to stop at any moment, the air was thick, only one word could be used here. Scared.

"My turn" Chaoxiang smirked, taking his hand and stealing away the star that took up some of Lo's face, letting his scar breathe the air of the Mansion.

"Quivering yet Content. Though pain cries endless echoes in his eyes, there's a hint of need, sprinkled with loneliness and longing with a dash of desperation. To please. Desire evident in the adrenaline that rushes though veins that are so close to bursting, seen though pale and crystalline skin, so fragile that if you were to blink too hard, he would bleed"

Delicate? Lo, Delicate? Absolutely not.

"i-im not fragile-!" Lo said, though again, it sounded desperate, he wanted something to happen, he didn't know what, he didn't understand what his body was itching for, be it a mild contact if fingertips to perhaps a brush of the lips, he didn't know but all he did know is that Chaoxiang was enjoying tormenting the writer.

"Yes you are. So fragile that you're cracking under my gaze, my hands haven't moved from your thigh but yet you tremble. Is it out of desperation I wonder? You should put this in your next book, my little quill"

"I ain't your property."

Chaoxiang put a finger to Lo's Adam's apple and trailed down to his chest "Firstly it's "I am not", you'd do well to remember that, and two, you belonged to me the second you stepped though that door." He giggled, Breaking this boy apart piece by individual piece was going to be satisfying.

Not as satisfying as it's going to be, to rearrange those broken pieces into something even more perfect.

#Lo x chaoxiang #how do i tag this #BP help-

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neuroticboyfriend · 1 year

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Hope you don't mind me adding this op but @ anon asking abt POCD: I know it doesn't occur to a lot of people but most of us are quite literally not allowed to talk about having pocd at all. Because we're so demonized for the thoughts we cannot control in our heads, because most people won't trust you if you talk about it, because we can get locked up because of it. When you're left with little to no support, even within your quote unquote community, it means a lot to hear people say we're explicitly allowed in their spaces and that ableism/sanism against us isn't going to be alowed. So yea. That's all I have to say.

Agreed, 100%. Even tho I cant say whether or not I have POCD, I definitely go through something similar. It's hellish and finding people who said what I said in my post really helped me feel better about it - especially when I can't tell if what I'm experiencing are intrusive thoughts/urges or... the thing my brain is most afraid of. Learning that not only do the intrusions not make a monster, but even if the "worst case scenario" is true, I still deserve a happy and safe life... And there are people who would support me regardless... yeah. That's invaluable.

#asks #anon #pocd #ocd #paraphilia #paraphilic disorders #paraphilias #intrusive thoughts

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narraboths · 2 years

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Soon to be divorced (maybe) superrojas for number 41 please :) love your work!!

ok that's extremely juicy and galaxy-brained anon

–

"You don't have to do this, you know."

She tries to punctuate her words with a harsh click of her lighter, making a point of not looking at Kara. It only feels fitting for the entire fucked-up, hellish time they’re living that it fails. Andrea allows herself two more increasingly frustrated attempts before she gives up with a huff, slamming the lighter back into her coat’s pocket.

It must something fucking karmic, really, that she can’t even have a moment of peace in the middle of her overpriced divorce, on this stupidly large balcony at their overpriced mediator’s overpriced office. That it still just has to be Kara to be the one by her side, diligently holding an umbrella over their heads in the pouring rain.

"End our marriage?”

Andrea can hear the smile in her voice without even looking.

"Act like a damn knight in shining armor. A little rain won't kill me."

"No, but it would've prevented you from your hourly stress-smoking break." Kara draws a little closer, not quite so to be in her personal space, but just enough to make Andrea roll her eyes and turn with piss off and not your concern anymore. But Kara’s smiling, of course, all sunny and calm, and draws down her glasses for just half a second, her eyes glowing red, and the cigarette between Andrea’s fingers lights up in an instant. "What kind of monster would I be to let that happen?"

"I can't stand you," Andrea murmurs. There is no bite to her words now. She takes a long, slow drag, watching Kara’s face, that pleased smile and the gentle look in her eyes. It would be so much easier if they were actually at each other’s throat, if they had to have a buffer of half a dozen people between them every time they talked, if there was venom and bad blood and not Kara stepping closer and closer, one hand softly squeezing Andrea’s elbow:

"I know."

“I don’t want to do this.”

She’s not gonna cry. They’ve had those days already. She’s not gonna let Kara hug her, either, just maybe let her head fall against Kara’s shoulder, squeeze her eyes shut so she doesn’t have to look at the ugly tie Kara’s wearing.

"Me neither.” Kara’s voice sounds low and gruff like she’s about to cry. She wraps an arm around Andrea’s shoulder (still not a hug, really, they fit under the umbrella better this way), fingers tracing Andrea’s cheek with a light caress. “But we have to. You know we have to.”

Andrea burrows a little closer. Kara’s wearing the cologne she got her for her last birthday, before it all went to hell, and she tries not to think too hard about what that means.

“I know.”

Kara sways a little. Maybe Andrea only imagines the sound of sniffling, but it still makes her feel better, somehow, even in the cold of that endless, monotonous, wretched rain. Then there’s the low, light chuckle that she’s grown so used to, and the tender, startling press of Kara’s lips against Andrea’s temple, her brow, and finally, torturously, the corner of her mouth:

“Let’s go then, love.”

#anonymous #superrojas #my fic

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anti-endo-safe-space · 24 days

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This isn’t a vent related to endos, but I wanted to go somewhere and you were the first to come to mind. You don’t have to post this either, I just… need a place to go and desperately. You don’t have to read it either, I just wanted a space to go to, I guess. I’m sorry.

I feel like a giant mistake and a failure as a human being. I view myself as a test subject and no one seems to understand the pain that comes with that, I’m a subject that’s always wrong. I feel like I’m always so upset when people say that we’re predictable because we can’t predict ourselves, we never know what’s happening or what’s going on. I feel like other people don’t want to be our friend because we don’t know ourselves or feel like we know a collective identity. There’s never anything solid there.

I want it all to end but u know it won’t and I feel so alone in a world full of people. Even when we’re with others, it’s a constant feeling of alone unless one person is there. And they aren’t here right now. I keep seeing disfigured shapes that always look like shadows and there’s a mist on the floor and I know it isn’t real but I can feel them staring, I can hear the sounds of the popping joints and I can see them turn to look at me like they see me before walking off.

It’s like a waking nightmare and I can’t get out of it. I feel like I’m stuck in an in-between. I’m trying to mask to focus on our blog and answering asks and making sure that the community there is okay, but it’s so hard. The rooms and house don’t feel real. I’m here but I’m not here and it’s so painful. I can see but I can’t see at the same time.

I don’t want to make things about me when other people are in pain and I’m scared to ask for help so I shove it down completely. I don’t know what to do about it anymore and I want someone that’s safe besides our partner to go to. I don’t know what it is anymore.

I feel like a child. I feel so lost and scared. I feel like I wondered in childish glee and now I’m in a waking nightmare with creatures that don’t hurt me but know my pain and can’t do anything about it. They feel so real and I feel so bad but they’re horrifying. I just want to be home. I want to be normal.

I want to stop seeing and hearing things. I’m desperate to have someone with me. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m so afraid.

And I look perfectly fine to the outside world but I’m dying inside. I feel trapped in a cage and I can’t get out.

We've spent a few days trying to best figure out how to respond to this. And it's why we're not tagging this with anything other than for endos to not interact because this is something that you will hopefully find

You are not a failure or a mistake, you are a wonderful creature that this world needs more than anything. It's okay to not have a solid identity or to be unpredictable, even without a system that happens. There's nothing wrong with that. It can be stressful but your not bad. And even if no one else wants to be, we'd love to be your friend.

Please, don't go. Stay. Even if it doesn't seem like it, you are so loved and cared about. Your life has so much waiting, it just takes some time but you'll get to a point you'll look back on now and be so proud of how far you've gotten. Even if that person isn't there, even just pretending they are can help. Please keep going. Those happen, seeing things. We see things sometimes that aren't there. Hear things too. That doesn't make you wrong or a mistake, it just means that yeah there's a potential issue but you are not the issue.

Hey your pain is so real and valid. We don't care, come to us. We'll listen. Hell DM us and we'll listen and give you an ear, a shoulder, anything you need. Talk about what's going on, don't try and bottle it in. It won't help any, it'll only hurt.

It's okay to think they're horrifying, that doesn't make you bad or wrong. Your going through a hellish situation that hurts. Your gonna get to be home, even if your home is a person. Normal isn't even really a thing, and even if it is, there's nothing wrong with being different. Your normal in your own way.

Please, go see a doctor, a therapist, anyone. They can help stop your hallucinations. You don't have to say your a system, they don't need to know that. But you can tell them about the hallucinations, they can help.

We get that, you can make a key though. There's always a key you can make, you can do this. Just please.

Even though it hurts, keep going. Keep trying. Push through this. Survive even through this pain.

We are here for you. Dm's, asks, anything. Please, just stay alive, even if it's hard.

#anti endo #endos dni

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pensiveant · 3 months

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Sorry but I'm full of opinions about this and I actually understand what I'm talking about, so I can't shut up. "Ethically sourced AI art generation" is not a thing because "unethically sourced AI art generation" is ALSO not a thing. If you campaign for image generation algorithms to be trained only on data banks gathered """with consent""" (i.e. consent from the original artists, many of which are long dead anyway) and for anything else to be punishable under law, then you better be ready to advocate for the 13 year old drawing anime characters for the first time to be sued, fined, and/or incarcerated too because. it's the exact. same. thing. It's the same principle.

The neural network looks at millions of photographs and art depictions of an apple and learns to recognize what it looks like. It learns to recognize what red means in relation to an apple, what bright means, what dramatic shadows mean. And then it creates an entirely new picture from scratch, putting together the information it collected from looking at all those examples and what they have in common. It does not copy, trace, crop and glue bits together, or whatever else people are imagining. It's not the same technology as applying a filter to an existing picture to modify it.

A budding artist learning to draw does the exact same thing. They look at reference pictures, they look at other people's art and how they depict certain elements of color, shadows, light, etc. They're inspired by other people's art styles. It's not just practiced but even recommended that starting out, new artists trace over reference photos or other people's art for private practice in order to get of sense of how to build certain shapes, how to manipulate perspective, and so on. They learn the exact same way the AI does, and they both need some time and practice to get it right.

It's impossible to legally ban one without hurting the other. Where do you draw the line? The difference between the two might seem clear to you now, but it could easily be argued that it's nonexistent by a determined enough asshole looking to sue someone. And who do you think that is going to affect the most if not people who were already vulnerable in front of the law as is?

Furthermore, it's impossible to copyright art style. That's just not a thing. Copyright is already a nebulous concept when it comes to art (not just the visual type either) and how strictly it is applied depends on how much of a dick someone wants to be. People claim this kind of AI is putting small artists doing commissions out of business, but do you realize that the overwhelming majority of commission artists are regularly selling art of characters they do not legally own? That both the artist and the commissioner are participating in copyright infringement? That neither of them actually owns that piece of art? Or do copyright laws apply only when it makes you angry?

Someone including an artist's portfolio in training datasets even after explicitly being asked by said artist not to do that is a bit of an asshole move, yeah. I agree and I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like that either. But it is not an immoral act. And under no circumstances whatsoever should it be an illegal one. It's just a shit thing to do, but I promise you can live with it. Put your pitchfork and torch down for a moment and think what kind of future you're asking for by asking for stricter copyright laws because I don't think most people realize what a hellish authoritarian system that would be.

The conversations we should be having regarding the ethical use of AI revolve around its use to replace and lay off employees, impersonate actors by using their voice and likeness without their agreement, impersonate real people in general (more easily so, not that this is a new issue strictly related to the rising popularity of image generators), bloat internet spaces with irrelevant or erroneous information and ads, decrease the reliability and general usefulness of search engines, and so on and so forth. Yet what most people froth at the mouth about are topics like "AI art is not real art" and "AI art is stolen art" and "AI art is not valid because a human didn't put in effort" etc. which are all completely asinine topics that will never lead to productive discussions.

If you want to take a stand against AI art, do it for the right reasons, not out of misinformed kneejerk reactionary panic and stubbornness.

#I have soooo much more to say but I have a headache so I'll stop here 😔#ai art #ai #i pet thy head foul beast

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dowagersqueen · 11 months

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Idk if you are on Reddit, but I used to be often and I actually liked the green sub (well, mostly) because it was great to have an opportunity to freely express pro green opinions without being downvoted into oblivion or insulted. When the show was more actual, the main sub was mostly a hellish experience for pro green fans, so it was nice to have our own safe space. However, my experience has started to change recently. There are too many divisions among the green fandom which isn't great, but that wouldn't be such a big problem if some fans were more tolerant toward other greens who don't completely agree with them in every single detail.

I've noticed (and this is not only on Reddit, but also on Tumblr, Twitter etc. ) that there is a certain narrative that apparently every green has to accept and follow or else will be accused of being a secret black, false green, show pleb (lol)...God forbid if you are not a book purist (because F&B is such a masterpiece lmao), or if you are pro Helaemond or anti Al*smond. Our hot milf witch rules (god, I hate the big titty girlfriend and milf hunter jokes), Helaemonds are primarily self inserts because Helaena is a blank canvas and Helaemonds don't actually like her as she is (according to one of the most recent threads) ... Also, you mustn't criticize Aegon at all. There are literally people who are trying to convince others that he was so great in the book and he would never force himself on a servant. Now, I agree that groping maids is not the same as being a clueless rapist like in the show and the showrunners did unfairly take things too far with him. I understand the frustration, but still, they had some basis for the rape decision (even if I dislike the way they executed it) in the same book these purists worship. They also claim he was as good warrior as the Conqueror himself and if you try to say that he was quite brave but that he was actually severely injured at the beginning of the war and had only one more fight at the end you will certainly be booed. Oh, and Daeron is one of the best Targaryens ever and Alicent's favourite (again, we obviously didn't read the same book) and the evil Sapochnik wanted to erase him only to prop up Aemond to whom he gave Daeron's best traits (again, complete bullshit). Furthermore, book!Alicent is an amazing and apparently more likeable?? character while in the show they totally ruined her. I agree only partially, I preferred her show version because in the book I didn't like her at all while in the show she is one of my favourites, however, her characterization in episodes 8 and 9 seriously annoyed me because of inconsistencies and Rhae fangirling. Still, they heavily exaggerate while criticising her show version. These are only some of the sacred rules apparently every green has to follow or else will be accused of not being the true green. Like, who gets to decide this? Idk, it really disappoints me because I thought that the sub doesn't need to be an eco chamber nor the green fans have to be monolithic hiveminds like black stans they like to criticize, even if they are on the same team. It's been a while since I commented or participated at all there because of these things and will probably do the same on other SM. I think I really need a break of this fandom.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, yours is one of the rare blogs I still like and follow and it seemed like a good place to vent😅. I know you've had some interesting experiences on SM so I believe you know at least partially what I'm talking about.

i get it.

and when i say i get it, i mean the part about there being made up rules of what a 'green' is and how if you're not following them, you will be accused of some bs stuff.

i guess it's partly why i call my self a greens enjoyer and not a green. i've seen plenty of opinions from 'greens' that i didn't like, from straight up unnecessary misogynistic comments (some of them by men who think that this fandom just gives them the pass to say anything) to really weird hypocritical opinions over ships. it's been... exhausting.

for anyone who's reading this going "but what about team black?": everyone knows my takes on tb stans. we're talking about greens right now because this is where we mostly hang out and it sucks that there's many people who fully believe they dictate who gets to enjoy the greens and how.

with me it started with anti targaryen sentiment. when i first started the show, i thought the story was gonna be rhaenyra fighting against her uncle for the throne. i didnt know anything about the dance of the dragons. of course, i started reading on the story very soon and watching the show and seeing the dynamic between rhaenyra and alicent, i easily attached myself to alicent because it seemed like genuinely no one was in her corner, even the people who were supposed to be.

but i still watched the show because of the idea that i'm watching targaryens fight each other and be unhinged and have dragons.

so you can imagine my surprise when i realized that maybe half the people who call themselves greens are staunchly anti targaryen. they don't like targaryens and they don't like dragons. it was a bit of a head scratcher for me. i knew why that was the case, because many of them were coming from game of thrones with an anti dany mindset and saw rhaenyra's side as the more targaryen side (even though in the beginning they were arguing with tb stans over it) and alicent's side is cooler because she and otto are hightowers and not targaryens.

that wasn't the case for me? i mean sure was i critical of dany many times? yes. but i still loved watching daenerys as a character. and i loved the idea of watching a new show that focuses on house targaryen and their dragons.

and then the whole targtower kids debate.... when the argument needed it, greenies were like "yes they're also targaryens" but then they'd hate on their targaryen side and then suddenly they legit started saying yes they're only hightowers because they're better than the other targaryens. to me it's such clownery.... i wanted to knock their heads together w the tb stans who were saying the targtowers kids are not targaryens.

then there's the greens, or more specifically, the aemond stans who babify aemond to such a degree that they speak about how alicent parentified him. those are usually super welcome in green spaces, even though their interest lies almost solely in aemond and whether or not he gets to meet al*s and how aemond is more special than the rest and he'll have his misunderstood storyline together w the only person who gets him al*s. weird that these people are far more welcome in green spaces than helaemonds. but i won't comment further.

and then the helaemond stuff happened. people dk this but i clocked helaemond immediately. i did not come after the show ended and were like omg wow this ship that i didn't notice. no. i immediately picked up on it. i didn't want to tweet about it because i knew it would start a fuss but others were shyly posting and i saw green moots call them all the possible names because of it. and then something weird happened... the same green moots who had been horrible to other people over helaemond started talking about helaeg*n. helaeg*n was interesting to me so i thought hey maybe they losened up a bit? no. no way, they were rabidly against any form of helaemond. i ended up losing 80% of my green moots. i was basically just in my own sphere doing my own thing because these people couldn't get over a difference of ship preference. they were shipping helaeg*n and aeg*nd and alysm*nd, all of them problematic in their own ways, but helaemond was somehow the devil. and i know people who have had the same experience. they were mostly leaning green, but when they started to ship helaemond, other greens jumped them.

about character opinions... i don't get it. i mean, i get it and i don't. i get team green's utter frustration with the writers because i feel that frustration myself and certain sections of the fandom do a lot to mock and poke at that frustration which causes even more frustration. that being said i believe it's impossible for there to be identical opinions on one side or the other, and this includes both tb and tg. imo if you're tg you should be mainly interested in the green characters and mainly invested in their story. i'm not saying you can't like other characters outside of them, but just that they're your main focus.

there's plenty of opinions, popular an unpopular, in green spaces that i disagree with. section of fandoms aren't, or at least they usually aren't, hiveminds. i mean i could be disagreeing even with you but that doesn't mean you're not also a fellow green enjoyer.

i don't really spend my time on that subreddit, but i've heard some stuff about it. i think sections of fandoms should be more tolerant of each other, especially on reddit that has a forum format.

and one last thing: i hate the secretly team black allegations. i've seen plenty of those, some addressed to me as well. it's funny because i've said it before but my blog changed some people's minds on alicent and did a lot to foster symopathetic alicent discussion when the fandom was going completely nuts. so it feels a bit moronic to watch someone raging bc of a ships accuse me of being secretly team black.

my only advice is.... take it all with a grain of salt. fandoms with sides like this one tend to be very cannibalistic and i have a feeling that the greens subreddit isn't the best place to post your opinions unless you're ready for aggressive replies. if you feel like you have opinions that you want to share in a safer space where everything isn't a battle, you could try making a house of the dragon sideblog. that wat, you can post your thoughts and even if you get nasty anons, you have the power to publish them or not, or to even turn off anons completely.

i would avoid twitter as well. it's chaotic and aggressive and when the fandom gets going, it can fry your brain.

#asks

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thegeminisage · 4 months

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tng update QUICK while dinner is cooking. thursday we did "transfigurations" and "the best of both worlds part i"

transfigurations: this episode was just ok. actually it kind of blowed that mister amnesia's big secret was just evolution into the screen layer on photoshop. i was hoping for something better, although we did at least get a few wild moments of speculation that he was jesus (which would have been hilarious) after he revived worf

things worf and scotty now have in common: quite literally dying on the job and getting brought back to life byt he space menace of the week

i really resent tng's repeated insistence that geordi would not have game. he's laid back and outgoing and quite charming. he should have girls hanging all over him. you expect me to believe levar burton gets no bitches (honorific)? really? really???

i understand that bev had to air out her feelings about mister amnesia to SOMEBODY but why her little baby son. ma'am he doesn't need to be knowing all that. you can't make him your replacement husband beverly ik single parenting is hard but you need friends. you have to talk to friends. to FRIENDS. TO FRIENDS. i'm fine

best of both words part i: HELLLOOOOOO IT IS BORG TIME

i was so let down by the end of the last borg episode but NOT this time! GET BORGED, IDIOT

my favorite thing about the borg is their absolute inevitability. to use s*pernatural as an example, i figured out that inevitability is good when it's for things i like, such as michael!dean. it's only bad for things i don't like, such as dean's s3 deal. in this case, i was thrilled. the start of this episode was a little boring but i simply prefer to think of it as foreplay

was i dreaming or did dr crusher violate the hippocratic oath on this ep? my girl straight up shot some of those mfers. like theyre real people in there beverly. they have those fucked up little borg babies. girl you just killed somebody

i kept wondering if seven was on this cube...i can't wait to meet her

whatever riker and that blonde lady trying to take his job had going on in this episode was great. loved their little catfight in the elevator during which i said "DAMN" like 100 times.

very clever to have part i of an ep be the season finale and part ii be a new season's opener. i love that even though the cliffhanger is hellish.

my only real complaint is riker waffling about being captain. he wanted to be captain so much he dumped deanna over it, yet when it comes down to it he HATES staying on the ship during away missions and he's happy where he's at. the guy doesn't wanna be a captain. why is this a bad thing?? aside from being rude to deanna personally i just don't see the problem

TONIGHT: "best of both worlds part ii" and "family"

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb

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feline-evil · 6 months

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As someone who, due to life factors i don't wish to detail, had turned to social media years ago as his only way to find any kind of social interaction or ability to find others like himself i find the slow, disgustingly pitiful deaths that capitalism is causing to major sites not only incredibly aggravating but also deeply sad and worrying. The internet is getting more and more sprawled out and disconnected and there are both more and more sites and yet fewer and fewer places that really feel like you can congregate on and easily find things you're into and people who are into them too, it feels like community is harder and harder to foster; and lets not even get into how hellish this is if you are a fulltime independent artist online who has yet to create a large enough fanbase to support you and follow you to wherever you have to go when the next site inevitably becomes unusable or hostile to you. And i know we like to encourage people to touch grass and go offline and make connections out in the real world and i agree that that is incredibly important, but i do feel like there's this elephant in the room of the fact not everyone can; the circumstances i have existed in have shut me off from socialization and i HAD to turn to the internet for it, and i KNOW i am not the only person who has lived their life in this position! People who are broke, disabled, live in areas hostile to them or simply devoid of community and without social events; sometimes the internet IS your best bet at socializing and i really do worry about people like this, like me, as the internet slowly rots as it is lately.

The internet was also for me, and i'm sure many others, the only place i could explore my queerness and learn about such concepts as being trans; if it hadn't been for social media sites like this one (as occasionally well meaning but clouded by discourse as it was) i would never have even known trans men existed nor that i could be one. I would have had no idea what was 'different' about me or that i could choose to be something other than that which was slowly destroying me with the grief i felt for having to be it. I never would have met my boyfriend either, nor my friends; you can scoff if you like but genuinely the amount of life changing and life saving things the internet have provided me with have ensured i am still here today. I don't know, i'm just mournfully watching as the year slowly erodes what little i've had over the years in terms of people seeing what i make or having spaces to talk to one another and I'm worried about how bad this is going to get. With every death of a social media website that's become The One we congregate on we each spread off into a million different smaller, harder to find each other on ones, and who among us can really say they have the same time to give 5 different sites that they give to 1. My world was lonely before the internet became a thing i could access, and so was many other peoples i'm sure. I'm worried about it becoming that lonely again for people.

#jay talkin #sorry this is like. a deeply depressing discussion about the state of the internet but the subject is rotting a hole in my stomach #as are. so fucking many other things that i feel far less qualified to speak on and so shant #so im just. trying to get it off my chest and out of me bc it is eating away at me this year #lol a lot of things are. shits rough out here folks. shit is rough. been a morose time as of late. anyways. we move. we keep it pushing #also first person to get snarky and tell me that ppl can just make friends through school and work is getting fed into a mascerator #Not Everyone Experiences Those Things In Their Life Chucklefuck. anyway. mascerates you #sigh. lets leave this on a positive note. im getting my first new bed in 15 years today! yay!

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titleknown · 1 year

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Do you know, or have any idea about a way, or anything that can be used against AI bros/techbros? (I have seen people refer to them by both AI bros, and techbros, just to be clear.) I think they bad for both artists, and people who are into AI. It's bad for artists because they steel from us, and harrass us, and it's bad for people like you, because they give you a bad name, and probably harrass you guys too (I don't know, but if one harrassed you then,I'm sorry). Sorry if I sound stupid, or rude. And English is not my first launvige.

...Long story short, be informed about the bad and sketchy shit they're doing, and be up front about why it's actually bad, and more actively tell bad actors in that space to fuck off and/or fuck themselves.

Because, a lot of people are wildly misinformed about how AI works and its position under fair use, that they don't understand the actual worrying stuff, and those of us in the AI community who do care about ethics often forget to talk about that bad stuff when so much of our time is spent swatting off misinfo. And we need to.

As an example, I've mentioned the issues with Midjourney and OpenAI, but also, watch out for UnstableDiffusion, who're scummy as hell.

They're trying to crowdfund their way into being A Thing and have directly stated their desire to directly target their training on sites like Deviantart in the way other AI models aren't. Don't support them.

Also, another thing I may as well bring up: If you're training those smaller finetuning-models directly off of specific living artists' work, that is significantly morally different than, like, the models with their big dumb (like you have no idea how dumb, but that's its own post) search engine-type internet mapping, and you're being an unethical dick attracting attention to AI art in the worst possible way.

Hell, even the AI bros simply saying that they think the idea of AI art replacing traditional artists is Good and Cool actually, those people are complete assholes (Especially given how many AI artists I know who're also traditional artists) and we should probably be telling those people to shut the fuck up more.

Granted, those people apparently hang out mostly on Twitter and I try to keep myself off the hellish bird site as much as possible, but pro-AI people reading this who do enter the musky hole of the worst mainstream site on the internet should feel free!

Stuff like that, I think, would help a fair bit...

#ai art #techbros #art #media

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multigenderswag · 1 year

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not exactly an ask asking something about being multigender, just sharing my experiences

i have told this in one of my posts but being agenderfluid (that is, for me, being fluid between masculinity, femininity, neutrality, and abinarity and/or agenderness) is... such a weird experience, not gonna lie. like, i'm still in the closet, so people still see me as a "cis woman" (presenting femininely did not help) and i'm still having "cis passing privilege" (UGHHHH i'm sorry i've said that, i don't know how to describe this, it's very confusing), whatever that means, so all my queer experience is like, living vicariously from reading people's experiences with transmultiphobia; that means like, i'm thinking "i can only imagine what it's like if i came out"

and somewhere along the line i'm like "...hold up, all this time i'm kinda forcing myself to be JUST ONE GENDER ONLY PLEASE and somehow i'm kinda repulsed with the term multigender and genderfluid... doesn't that mean i'm experiencing transmultiphobia also???" LIKE, my gender is literally Everything and Nothing, All At Once, and i felt like my gender is an endless journey in space, like a hellish immortality of questioning. which can be saved by just... embracing the genderfluid label??? like, for this i'm so happy (even though quietly) when people talk about transmultiphobia, when people start talking about multigender experiences, like before that i almost always felt the NEED (yes, in caps because it's that bad) to be JUST ONE GENDER, AND ALWAYS LIKE THAT

now, i think i want to expand the conversation about transmultiphobia just a bit. like i said, i don't just have Multiple Genders, i am also having No Gender, and it does influence my genderfluidity to such degree that sometimes, i cannot relate to many genderfluid and/or multigender, static or not, experiences of gender. i really, really, REALLY want to talk about it, to find a community of people that is simultaneously multigender AND non gendered, or even fluid about it. we are a very unique and almost unheard of intersection of genderhood, and i think it's time for us to be SEEN

All asks are good asks!

I definitely understand experiencing oppression vicariously- that's how I felt when I first started learning about transandrophobia, because I was semi-out as genderqueer but not as masculine, but I still read other people's experiences and went "yep, that's what I would face if I came out." And then it helped me realize the transandrophobia that I'd internalized that was stopping me from accepting myself as transmasc, yknow? So I'm glad the conversation around transmultiphobia has helped you in that way :)

And thank you for your contribution to the conversation on transmultiphobia! For having multiple genders but also no genders, you might want to look into ambonec communities (however small, I'm not 100% sure how common the label is). I've also definitely seen some people post about being multigender with agender as one of those genders (genderkoolaid is the only one I can remember off the top of my head), so you can look for other people like that who you can relate to.

If any of my followers have a similar experience of being multigender as well as genderless, feel free to add on!

#ambonec #okay it's listed as a popular tag? you can maybe find a community for that then #multigender + genderless #asks #transmultiphobia

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clay-core · 8 months

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Never ever going to get over the fact that both Arizaphale and Crowley love each other to the fault of the relationship (at least at the end of S2 neil please im begging)

More below the cut bc this is so long, I am Azriaphale's number one defender because I have been in such the same position.

Aziraphale sees the fact that heaven is there to protect them, that heaven has done nothing but protect him and by extension Crowley. The bookshop is a heavenly outpost that he got to keep for some reason (if you are wanting context there is a scene in the script book that was cut from s1), they left him and Crowley alone after the events of s1 and the only reason that they are bothering him now is that Gabriel is in his bookshop, heavenly influence only comes and bother him and Crowley when there is evidence that there are high jinks afoot. They are not outwardly malicious to Azriaphale at least from his perspective, they have very questionable morals but they are supposed to BE good that is what heaven is, it is on the side of Good. Azriphale even says that same line in the confession gone wrong scene.

At least from what we have seen Crowley doesn't tell Aziraphale anything about the bad things that are happening. He avoids saying what he really is meaning to. (ie: "You can't leave this bookshop [me]"

At the body switch at the end of S1 Aziraphale knows that Crowley is safe because they shifted back and he was the one in the holy water, He made sure of that but on the flipside, at least from the information that we have, and presuming that they don't talk about anything after the fact (they don't), Aziraphale has no idea of the things said to 'him' when Crowley was wearing his face.

Aziraphale knows very few things, Heaven is supposed to be Good, they are meant to be good because that is why God made them, Crowley is a good person deep down and only was curious and didn't lie about anything (something that He did do to the hosts of heaven about Job's children), and no matter what Crowley will always stick with him, despite their arguments.

Through s2 each one of these ideas that Aziraphale has, is placed under a microscope and scrutinized.

Heaven is supposed to be Good. That is why God made them. - Whoopies not so much, they are murdering children with their lack of action against hell. God created them to be on her side not on the side of Good.

Crowley is a good person deep down and only asks questions. - So far we only have one canon interaction pre-fall for Crowley and Aziraphale, so saying that that was the only interaction that they had (I am going to be operating under that assumption and just working within the canon of the series), Azirphale knows that Crowley was happy making stars and creating, and then he was no longer in heaven, then meeting him when he was in Eden post heavenly/hellish battle and he was the original tempter of Eve. Once again all he did was also ask questions, never really filtering the inconsistency and distrust he has of God, which can be spun in a distrust of Good in Aziraphales mind. This is then examined when he 'kills' Jobs goats and children, never actually killing them only putting them in a space that is safe. He is against murdering Children and killing innocence so he has to be good Right? (all this to be said Aziraphale has no idea of what Crowley will do if any harm comes to him)

Crowley is the one thing that will be consistent even when facing down heaven. - Oops not anymore, Crowley leaves him. Leaves him and lets him go up to heaven. He doesn't chase after him like he had been prior to this, he just watches and leaves. Whatever 6000 years they had together has gone down the drain with a kiss and Crowley's never-ending stubbornness. I think that one of the reasons he looks back is to tell Crowley it's not too late, they can do this together, he just needs to come with him up to heaven. Then Crowley just stands there watching, standing next to his material items and the elevator doors shut and there is a sealing of fate.

Looking at the timeline we have of the story, Azirphale knows So little of the bad things that have been done, mostly because Crowley is shielding him from it. Speculation here but Azriphale most likely knows Nothing about Crowley's fall or why he fell in the first place, he knows nothing of the threats made to his life either directly or indirectly, and all he saw was Crowley saying no absolutely not, why would we, after everything we have been though want to go back. I don't!

Aziraphale sees this as such a lovely and wonderful opportunity to be back in the safety of Heaven (of Goodness) and have the person he loves the most, back with him. And Crowley tells him no, we are better than that, you are better than that, treats him like he is an idiot ("I think I understand a whole lot better than you do") and then kisses him.

The shock of the confirmation that everything that he has been feeling for the past almost 100 years has been shared this whole time, and the sinking feeling that nothing will ever be able to come of it because this is a goodbye. Thats why he says "I forgive you"

Because as much as nothing physically lasts forever, Azriaphale thought at least they together would and they don't they share a painful goodbye and part ways.

TLDR: let them talk please for the love of God. Like actually talk, like lock them in a room and no matter how much Crowley wants to explode or Azriaphale wants to discorporate, they don't get to, they are forced in that box and cannot get out until they fix it

#Good omens #good omens s2 #good omens spoilers #listen Im a zira kinnie though and though #i get it bestie but ur also dumb as fuck #'how can someone as clever as you be so Stupid' works so well #kris speaks

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ahiddenpath · 9 months

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Hidden's Life

Life chat beneath the cut, very long x_x

So uhhh it's been... bad. I'll just go with bad. If you don't have mental/emotional/whatever space for Bad, I recommend you stop here. Let's have a quick lil internet hug, and then go be at peace, lmao! Er, I guess trigger warning for mentions of family... problems? Trauma??? I'm not sure how best to say it.

Family Stuff

I'm not sure where to start or how much detail to share, but... I guess it started with my mom asking a favor that was... Totally unreasonable. It was phrased in a way that put the results of decades of her poor decisions in my hands- "This is a big favor I'm asking, and if you don't want to do it, that's fine... But I'll lose my livelihood because of it." This favor would have also dragged me back into her hellish situation with her husband/my father, whom I have been no contact with since I left home for my own safety (like... all levels of safety).

I agonized over it for a week. I didn't want to be responsible for my mom losing her current livelihood. I called around to family, who all told me that her decisions brought her here, and that they all offered help at different stages, but my mom turned it down. That reminded me of the help I offered over the years that was also turned down.

I scheduled an emergency therapy session to talk about it, and my therapist also suggested I say no. She also recommended that I try to help in a safe capacity, which in this case was researching options for my mom. I put hours into scouring the internet, emailing and DMing with services that could help my mom, and compiling notes for her.

I emailed my mom to turn down doing the favor she asked, and I included all of the information and resources I found for her. Within ten minutes, I received an email saying, "This stuff won't work." Ten minutes after that, a second email: "I guess I'm done, then."

Ie, you have failed me, and my livelihood is gone because of you.

To be clear, the ideas I gave her would have solved her problem, but it would have involved effort from her and bringing professionals into her... professional problem. So basically, it's okay if I put in a ton of effort into solving her problem, but it isn't okay if she does. It's okay if I'm dragged way out of what's comfortable for me to help her, but it isn't okay if she does something uncomfortable to solve her own problem.

The emails pissed me off more than the first call. It's difficult to feel guilt after your offer for help was extremely rejected, lmao (which might have been my therapist's goal, ha!). My mom sent me a text that was just... Awful. Basically, "Even though you let me down, I still want to see you." To which I responded that I was unavailable. She sent another text saying that she was knows she shouldn't have asked me and that she was just scared, and can't we just put this behind us.

Again, I was absolutely launched into another orbit by this. No apology, and a demand to avoid all consequences. Mmm, my fave, delicious. I did one of those things where you write a million text responses and delete them until I landed on something that said what I needed to say and nothing else: "I understand you're scared and in a bad situation, but my feelings matter too. I need some time."

So uh... Now I get to figure out how to navigate this. It's been about a week, I think, of trying to just... Not think of that situation at all, and failing off and on.

I want to be a badass, tough, mature person who can navigate this stuff elegantly. I want to be able to see these interactions as the result of my parents' trauma and learned behaviors, things that existed before I was born and aren't really a reflection of me, or even of my relationship with them. But inside, I'm still a hurt kid who wants to be seen as myself, who wants to be apologized to when appropriate, who wants parents who separate their trauma from their relationship with me.

I'm not sure how this will change things between my mom and me. Although I have taken distance from my mom in the past as needed, this is the first time I've come out and said, "Yeah, no, you hurt me bad, and I need to deal with that before I talk to you again." You might ask why that is, when it's surely been warranted. As a child, I wasn't listened to, and was punished for trying- not like, go to your room kind of punishment, but derision and backlash. As an adult, the response has been to... act confused when I try to express anything negative. I don't know where to go from here, or what I'm looking for.

Actually, no, I'm looking for peace. How I find that will be up to me, and I don't know what that means yet.

Insurance/Paying for Therapy

So my last job offered amazing healthcare that 100% covered my therapy. It turns out my new insurance for the fancy new job at the huge, worldwide company... Does not. At all. Cover therapy.

SooOOooOOooo on top of the stress of the situation, I suddenly owed $155 for the emergency therapy session. After joking that I should bill my mom, I texted my therapist, who asked if I have an HSA. Fortunately, I do, and my company puts money into it annually, so I used that, although it's nowhere near as good as a stronger insurance package.

But ugh, I thought this company had a better package! I feel so caught off guard and frustrated. Which leads me to another subject...

Coworker Arguments

Sigh, so I've been working closely with a coworker, and if I'm honest, it isn't going that well. He has had a lot of stuff happen in his personal life that has translated into me stepping up for him, being unable to ask questions I need to ask because he is out, and just generally being sort of... On my own with stuff that isn't necessarily my project, but someone has to get it done! Let's call this coworker Z.

So one of our coworkers recently had a healthy baby and safe delivery, hooray! As I was celebrating in the lab, another coworker brought up how bad health care/family care is in America. Z said stuff like, "Society wouldn't benefit from healthcare (provided by the government, as a right)." I about rolled my eyes out of my head facing the other way, but stayed quiet as Z argued with other coworker. Then, Z said, "Well my wife and I didn't get those benefits when my teenage kids were born, so how would we be compensated?"

To which I sadly, most unfortunately, regrettably blurted, "If we (ie society) have that attitude about everything, then there will never be progress."

Immediately sensing my mistake, I bolted, not wanting to be involved in the discussion/argument. I thought I was safe, but hours later, Z said, "You know, I was thinking about something you said earlier..."

I was like, "Oh, uh- Yeah?" Sensing danger, obviously. So Z quoted me on the above, and then started the most confusing, disconnected series of statements I have ever heard in my life. I genuinely couldn't follow him at all. He would say something, I would respond, and then he would change subject???

At some point, Z said, "Well I think a doctor should have more respect than, say, a plumber, because he was educated more and worked harder to get there."

I responded, "I don't respect people based on their careers, and I have no way of knowing how hard they worked, or what resources they had or didn't have." I was thinking of my friend who worked three jobs to put herself through undergrad, while still drowning in student debt, vs my friends whose parents paid for the entirety of their education through medical school.

Z pivoted with, "Of course we judge people. Otherwise, how did I pick my wife? By your logic, I could have randomly married anyone."

I replied, "That's... A huge false equivalence? You said you judged people by careers, what does that have to do with picking a spouse?" At this point, I said that I couldn't follow the argument anymore and excused myself.

It's been weird between us since. My friend says that I struck a nerve with my comment about progress- I seem to have challenged his ideas about himself without meaning to. The rest of the discussion was probably him being emotional and confused, hence how impossible to follow everything was. And I was getting upset, too. My family, friends, and myself have all gone through a lot that proper healthcare would alleviate, so to be told that society won't benefit from that... To be told that people should be judged based on careers, when careers are so often linked with socioeconomic background/opportunity...

Worse yet, the latest cloning strat he made and passed on to me was incorrect, so I wasted days of work because he insisted I start as soon as the primers came (ie, I had no time to check). This is like the third strat from him that didn't work. I'm going to ask my boss to let me do my own cloning strats from now own, as I have been for eight+ years.

Work

It is so difficult and frustrating! I actually am beginning to see that I do a great job, it's just that the place has an inherent chaos that I am still learning to navigate.

Speaking of, we were reorganized a week ago, and I had to sit through so many ninety minute meetings where they asked the people who planned the reorg their... opinions about the reorg (spoiler: they thought it was God's gift to the company, of course). I still don't know how my day-to-day will be altered, and in fact, I'm finding that a lot of stuff has changed on a, "who do I ask for this service now," basis.

It's such a weird situation, because there is so much opportunity at my new company, and I have learned so much. But it's also a huge mess, every little thing, and it's so hard to do our work because of the crowding issue and people just... Taking shit you ordered for yourself from your bench because it's gone everywhere else. No shit dude, that's why I ordered my own, thanks for that.

At the same time, I'm beginning to see... I have what it takes in a way I didn't realize? I'm deep diving strats and researching what's wrong and coming up with actual, actionable answers. I'm growing and it's extremely difficult and exhilarating and wild.

But like... Should every day be this difficult?????? I don't know what to think, if I'm honest.

Creating

I'll be real here, I haven't been creating or active online for a few weeks, now. I'm going through a lot. I hate hate hate when the things you love most are the first thing to be dropped when you're struggling. If I've been distracted/not present/kind of "off" overall online, please know it's not you at all, it's 100% me and this mess I'm struggling with.

I'm planning to hold off on my next fic update until Odaiba Day, as this is the only way to guarantee I have something for August 1. Um... I can't really promise anything at this stage. I hope you'll understand <3

I hope you're all doing well! Even if I'm not around much, I care about you! Thanks for caring and reading this, you're a beaut! Take care!

#hidden's life

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papersparrows · 1 year

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april 22, 2023

tw: mentions of domestic abuse

After ng show ni Phum, tumambay muna kami sa isang café sa loob ng Town. Kasama ko HS best friend ko, and kumain lang kami kasi hinang-hina na ko that time dahil lahat ng kinain ko bago umalis ng bahay ay sin*ka ko lang din. Need din namin magchikahan, so that's what we did dahil fresh from breakup ang best friend ko. It was a fucked up situation so wala kaming pakialam kahit nag-iiyakan kami sa gitna ng café hahaha.

Nung lumabas na kami ng Town, nagbook kami ng Grab pero magkahiwalay kami kasi pupunta pa siyang Makati para magdinner with coworkers naman. Ako, need umuwi dahil nilalagnat pa at yung show lang naman pinunta ko. There was an older lady na nag-aabang din ng ride sa tabi namin, and she approached us to ask kung may taxi pa. Sabi namin di na namin nakikita talaga puro Grab na lang kasi mga sinasakyan, so napa-book din siya ng Grab. Dumating agad ride ng best friend ko, so naiwan na lang kami nung tita. She asked for my help dahil mahina signal para mag data, so I obliged. I helped her look for the right license plate rin kasi hindi na niya makita masyado. And then, she asked me if Catholic ako and I told her that I was. She then asked me if I could pray for her, if I could pray really hard... and then she started crying so I tried to comfort her. She told me na battered wife siya to a cheating husband, and that her kids are kind of blaming her for what's happening. "You are what you tolerate" pa nga daw, which I found to be extremely unfair. Nobody wants to tolerate these things. Hindi madali umalis sa ganong sitwasyon lalo na if malakas yung kontrol ng taong yun sa buhay mo. Sabi rin niya na her husband basically killed her on paper (always wrote "single" sa legal documents regarding properties and valuable possessions nila as a married couple) and apparently lawyer din pala asawa niya kaya nakakalusot. She said that if she left, she would have nothing. If she was left by him, and he's been gone for 3 days na daw, she would have nothing as well. It was clear to me that she needed to vent, so I let her. I don't think she was being allowed the space to talk about it at home with her family. She told me more details about her life, and even showed me a bruise she had on her forehead that she got from her husband. 😔 My ride arrived and I told her I had to leave, but I asked for her name so that I could contact her through fb and offer to listen to her troubles, offer possible legal advice because my family runs a law office as well, and just let her know that she has a friend and that I'm ready to help any way I can.

Here's the crazy part!

When I mentioned that we run a law office, she asked for my full name and where I was from, and then asked if I was related to Atty. *insert my dad's name* from UP Diliman daw. I was shocked!! Sabi ko sa kanya na dad ko yun, and she was equally surprised! She told me that she was a batchmate from when my dad studied there. I confirmed to her that that was my dad she was talking about, but had to deliver to her the news of his passing and that he was gone 2 years ago. I promised I would text her to check if she got home safe, and I rode my Grab. I had a hellish ride btw but pagod na kong ikwento because it was so bad!!! I was genuinely terrified and texting family members na. The driver was clueless, relied on me for directions despite me telling him di ko alam kung san niya kami dinadaan (he chose a route he NEVER went through just to avoid traffic), and then after a supposedly 40 min ride that stretched into nearly 3 hours, guards wouldn't let us in from where we passed through so he ended up having a full-on altercation with them. Siya pa yung nagalit sa ginawa niya and he was driving so recklessly due to anger. I ended up being way more sick that night when I got home because of the stress I felt like I was dying haha. I was legit ready to ask to be dropped off along the way na lang from being so scared but I couldn't because I felt so sick. Tiniis ko na lang.

Later that night, the tita replied to me and told me she got home safe and told me that I'm an angel sent her way. She told me her husband's full name din, which I took note of, and realized that my dad has mentioned this name before. Even my mom recognized him by name. But I don't think they really knew each other (my dad and that lady's lawyer husband) dahil not from the same vicinity naman kami but small world lang din ang lawyers they at least know almost everybody by name.

I just think it was such a wild coincidence like who would have thought we would cross paths? I know this is such a heavy topic, but I am completely not at all inside her world and her life, and I can't do anything she won't allow me to as a stranger she just crossed paths with. We do still talk to each other through messenger, kamustahan, just reminding her that she has a friend from afar. It makes me happy to know I can offer her some joy and friendship. Maybe my dad brought her and I together in that short moment. He does like to pull the strings from heaven after all, I've noticed.

#diary #papa

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michaelmilligan · 2 years

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Battle ship to lovers

Day 6 of Midamoul week! @midamoulweek

Prompt: 'alternate universe'

Not even Michael knew how it (he? they?) had come aboard. And that was saying something.

Michael knew pretty much everything. About this dilapidated space station, about space itself and the hellish planet below, overrun by creatures much like the one who had been crawling through their vents for the past few weeks. Maybe months.

But he had no clue how the thing had come aboard. There were several possibilities, each more implausible than the next. But here they were.

When they finally caught... him, they soon realized why they hadn't been able to find him so far: He looked just like Adam and, by extension, like Michael.

Why Michael had made himself look like Adam, he still wasn't quite sure. At the start, Adam had thought he was just an old AI who didn't understand how humans worked, but that had turned out to be untrue. Michael knew a lot about humans, he just didn't seem to care half the time. Though it was getting better lately, what with him finally repairing the kitchen and showing Adam how to work it so he didn't have to rely on the replicator's limited repertoire. Really, Adam was beginning to suspect that Michael just liked looking like him. For the whole 'catching the creature' thing, Michael had even made an android body for himself that also looked like Adam.

“What do we do with it? Or with him? Um.” Adam kept a distance from the creature, as Michael had advised him. Even though it was tied up, and currently not doing much more than rolling its eyes and pouting (with Adam's face!), it was still better to be careful.

“We could throw it out an airlock,” Michael said, and the creature started writhing in its bonds.

“Don't you fucking dare! You fucking robot bastard, I swear to-”

“Wait! You can talk?!” Adam stared at the creature open-mouthed. During their whole hunt, there had been no talking, only enraged screeching as they'd closed in on it. The thing had used its mouth mostly to bite them, had even gotten a good chunk out of Michael's arm (only to then spit it out in disgust, cables and all). “Michael, you didn't tell me Ghouls could talk!”

“Ghouls?” the creature asked sarcastically. “Is that what you call us? Cute.”

“I doesn't quite mean what you think it means,” Michael said, the only one obviously unfazed by what was happening. Then again, he'd only had facial muscles for about two days and didn't seem to care about them a whole lot. “You're speaking different languages. I'm running a simultaneous translation program, but some words don't translate 100%.”

“Wait, so you knew that he can talk!” Adam glared at him. He was long over being impressed by all the things Michael could do (okay, that was a lie, but he wasn't as impressed anymore), and had reached the point of realizing when Michael needed a stern talking to. That often had to take a backseat to Adam's curiosity, though – like right now. “What does he sound like when you're not translating?”

Michael raised an eyebrow at him. Over the station speakers, the same screeching and garbled sounds Adam had heard from the Ghoul before re-played for several seconds.

The Ghoul nodded. “And I was right!”

“... Sure, buddy,” Adam said, not even wanting to know what he'd said. To Michael, he said: “So what do we do with him now? And don't say airlock again. We can't just kill him if he's sentient.”

Michael frowned. So maybe he did know how to use those facial muscles. “I don't see why not. It's a dangerous creature. Ghouls are basically parasites, feeding on other biological creatures and shape-shifting into them after consumption.”

Adam made a face. “Yeah, you mentioned. But wait, he hasn't eaten me – how does he look like me?”

They both turned towards the Ghoul, who shrugged. “Found some hair in the bathroom. And there was blood in the mess hall.”

“Blood?” Michael asked, eyes narrowing, and he took a step forward as if to bring himself between Adam and the Ghoul.

“Just a tiny speck.” The Ghoul tried to gesture with his tied up hands, but all he managed was to fall over. “Shit.”

“Oh, it must have been from when I ran some tests last month. I took some of my own blood, remember?” Adam did that regularly. Even though Michael claimed to be able to monitor all of his nutrition values and body functions and stuff (which... creepy), Adam liked to double-check for himself. So far, he'd always been in perfect health, physically. (There was no way for him to test his own mental health, and Michael wasn't programmed for that sort of thing. Then again, he wouldn't have wanted to talk to a shrink program anyway.)

“Gotta say, your blood is pretty delish,” the Ghoul said, licking his lips as he struggled back into a sitting position. “And this form's a little weird, but you get used to it. The opposable thumbs are useful.” He twiddled said thumbs.

For a moment, Adam let himself wonder what the Ghoul had looked like before, but he chased the thought away quickly. “Wait, did you say before that you ate some of my hair?” Gross.

“Yeah... Not as delish. Still okay, though. 6 outta 10.”

“Yikes.”

“May I suggest the airlock again,” Michael said dryly.

“Hey, come oooon. I'm just a lonely guy trying to survive in the vastness of space.” The Ghoul looked up at them with big, pleading eyes. Adam felt a twinge of sympathy for him.

“Did I mention they copy their victims' memories?” Michael murmured in his ear, and Adam froze. His memories? Oh shit, so this was some bull crap to manipulate him. But wait...

“All my memories? Does that include... my feelings?”

Apparently, he had been loud enough for the Ghoul to hear him, because he grinned and licked his lips. “Generally, yeah. I only got snippets, though. The broad strokes, I guess. It was such a tiny little bit of blood. If I got a little more...”

Michael unholstered his knife. “Be quiet,” he hissed.

Meanwhile, Adam was still reeling a bit from this revelation, a creeping sense of shame and nausea battling inside him. If this guy knew his feelings, even a little bit... He had to shut him up somehow. Michael couldn't know. He could never know.

Maybe the airlock wasn't such a bad idea.

Adam closed his eyes. Now he was feeling sick at himself.

“Are you alright?” Michael asked, and the hand he put on Adam's arm made him jump.

He wasn't used to Michael having a physical body, to be able to actually touch any part of him.

“I'm fine,” Adam muttered, crossing his arms in front of his chest, conveniently getting them out of Michael's reach.

Something passed over Michael's face, a thoughtful, or maybe calculating look, but soon he turned back to the Ghoul, expression stony.

“Look,” the Ghoul said, dropping the whole cuteness thing with a deep sigh, “I don't even need that much blood, yeah? I mean, you guys are huge! And you have so much of the stuff!” His eyes flitted to Michael. “Well, not you, you're full of nasty oil and shit.”

“You're not eating Adam,” Michael said, matter-of-factly.

“Like I said, I only need a really small amount of-”

“No.”

“A teensy tiny-”

“No!” Michael roared, the sound echoing from the walls. Adam wasn't sure if that had just been his android voice, or if he'd used the station speakers, but wow. He'd never yelled in Adam's presence before. It was kind of terrifying.

And kinda hot.

Adam pushed that thought away.

“Okay, big guy, keep it in your pants,” the Ghoul grumbled, but his shoulders were hunched, and he looked about ready to run – if he'd been able to stand up.

“If you don't want to kill it, we should throw it in the brig,” Michael said, calmer now. “Or one of the stasis pods.”

“Wait – that's one of the cold places, right? No, please!” the Ghould begged, his face suddenly ashen. “Please, I don't wanna go into the cold. Anything but that!”

Adam hesitated. While the Ghoul might just be trying to manipulate him again, the terror in his eyes looked real. Adam had been in stasis for years before Michael had woken him up, and while he remembered pretty much nothing of his time inside the tank, he definitely hadn't appreciated the moment of coming out of it. (Or the first few days after.)

He still wasn't sure how long he'd been under, exactly. Michael was suspiciously vague about that, but he tried not to think about it too much. Anything was better than being dead, he supposed – the energy systems of the pods had been failing, and Adam was the only one Michael had been able to save.

They'd still been aboard the 'Ragnarök' back then, floating through space with a short-circuited hyperdrive (it had malfunctioned on their last jump, according to Michael, ending them out here on the rims of human territory) and failing life support. Finding the abandoned station had been a blessing, but also a curse. They could live here (Adam with enough air and a food replicator and Michael with enough energy), but they were also stuck until someone came by and picked them up.

Which might be never. Or at least not within Adam's lifetime.

He could have gone back into stasis, since Michael had repaired some of the pods, but who knew what would await him on the other end of that long sleep? Besides, much like the Ghoul, Adam shuddered at the mere thought.

“Fine, no stasis,” he said, shaking the memories from his head. “But you are going in the brig.”

“Can I have some of your blood, at least?” Ghoul whined.

“No!” Adam and Michael said at the same time.

“Pleeeease, I'm starving! That stuff you call food tastes so bad, and it's all dead!”

So that was what had happened in the pantry. Adam had accused Michael, at first (he was always nagging Adam to eat healthier, and Adam had thought that was why he'd messed with his food), but that had been before they'd known about the intruder.

“We could replicate you a live lobster,” Adam suggested.

The Ghoul visibly perked up. “Does it have blood?”

“Uh, I think so? It's an animal.”

“Does it taste as good as you?”

Adam grimaced. “Buddy, I don't eat blood, and definitely not my own blood. So. No idea.”

“Bummer.”

Before the Ghoul could say anything else, Michael grabbed his arm and hoisted him up. “That's enough. Time to go to the brig.”

Adam sighed. “I'll see what the replicator can do. And Michael?”

Michael turned around to him, holding the Ghoul with one hand and away from himself, like a feral cat. (Which, well. He was struggling. And without the translator, his curses would have probably been more hissing than anything.)

“Don't hurt him, okay? It's not his fault that he's a blood-eating monster.”

Michael raised one eyebrow. The Ghoul stuck his tongue out at them.

“I'll try not to kill it,” Michael said. Did the corners of his mouth twitch? Adam wasn't sure. “Unless it tries to escape. Then it's fair game.”

Adam sighed again. Sometimes, Michael almost seemed like a normal guy – well, a normal AI, he supposed. But other times, the fact that the Ragnarök had been a warship still shined through.

Adam wasn't sure what Michael had been beforehand. He often mentioned his apparently long history of battles, but the Ragnarök had been a pretty new ship. And normally, an AI built for a specific ship reacted to that ship's name. Michael was just Michael, though. So he must have been in different ships, or stations or whatever before.

Adam was still struggling with the replicator when Michael walked into the kitchen, confusion written all over his face. (In the beginning, when Michael had first used his projection, it had been weird that they'd looked so alike. By now, Adam barely noticed it anymore. Michael was Michael. If you took a photo of them, Adam would have been able to pick out immediately who was who, and not just from the different postures.)

“What's wrong?” Adam asked, immediately alert. If Michael was confused, or upset, that usually meant something really, really bad was afoot.

“I think,” Michael started, then blinked, and tried again: “I think the creature just propositioned me.”

Adam stared at him for a long moment, feeling heat crawl up his neck, to the tips of his ears. “Oh.” He swallowed tightly. “Um. That's weird.”

“Yes.” Michael shook his head, then huffed. “A disgusting creature, in all aspects.”

“Yeah.” Adam turned towards the replicator as his lips pursed and his stomach contracted. Trying to lighten the mood, he added: “Cute face, though.”

Michael was silent for several seconds. Adam was starting to sweat, even though he was sure the temperature was at the same steady 20° Celsius as always.

“I suppose,” Michael said eventually, stepping up next to Adam to press a button on the replicator. The stupid machine, which had been refusing to cooperate with Adam for fucking thirty minutes, immediately created a lobster.

Fucking hell.

In that moment, it hit Adam that he was not just stuck on this stupid space station with an AI/android, but also with a shape-shifting monster that wanted to eat him, and now a lobster that was a) bigger than Adam had expected and b) moving, which... gross.

Well, at least he could replicate himself some chocolate cake while Michael would feed the Ghoul. (Because he sure as hell wasn't going to touch that lobster.) And if Michael caught him stuffing himself with sweets, well... He could always pull the 'But this is my comfort food, I'm so lonely and you're really begrudging me my simplest human pleasures?' card. It had worked pretty well so far.

Thing was, the Ghoul wasn't the only one who could make those eyes look really big.

… Maybe they had more in common than he'd thought. At least when it came to dealing with (and lusting after, ummm, wanting to be close with) Michael.

It took some convincing before Michael agreed to feed the Ghoul (“It was your idea to keep it alive, Adam!”), but he eventually conceded. After all, Adam was in much more danger from the Ghoul than Michael would ever be. Even if Michael's android body was damaged (like the missing piece of his arm), or if it was destroyed, he was still inside the space station. He was just controlling the android body via some kind of link.

So yeah, Adam pulled the 'I'm a squishy, fragile human and I'm soooo afraid he'll bite me for my blood, please don't make me go into the brig' card. Which was now apparently a thing.

Then he made the mistake of watching the security footage of the brig while eating his chocolate cake. His stomach churned as the Ghoul tore into the lobster, lapping up the grey blood from his hands and the floor afterwards. Gross, gross, gross! Especially the sounds...

“Yuck. 3 out of 10,” the Ghoul said after, but he still sucked his fingers clean. He really must have been starving.

Adam felt a little bit of kinship with him again. Which... yeah, he wasn't going to think about that too hard.

“You should be grateful we're keeping you alive,” Michael scoffed, and turned to leave the room.

“Wait! Now that I'm not dying anymore... I wasn't kidding before, you know.” The Ghoul walked up right to the energy field that was keeping him contained in his cell, staring through the red tinge. “You've only been a robot for what, a couple days? We could both explore our new bodies, is all I'm saying.”

Adam drew in a sharp breath. How dare he! If anyone was going to explore his body with Michael-

No, nope, wrong train of thought.

“You're disgusting,” Michael said on-screen. Adam tried and failed not to take it personally.

“Aw, come on. You don't mean that.” Ghoul leaned forward a bit, then jerked back when his chin hit the energy field. He rubbed it, grumbling a little. “Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have the other guy. Bet he's delicious in more ways than his blood.” He winked. Adam tried not to blush. “But I've a feeling you won't let him get near me, yeah?”

“No one and nothing will get near you,” Michael said coldly. “You will die here, alone and forgotten.”

The Ghoul raised an eyebrow. “Projecting, much?”

Michael's hand twitched. At least Adam was pretty sure of it – though it had been only a fraction of a second, so he could be wrong.

“I'm an AI. So I can't die.”

“Nope, but the other guy – Adam, right? He can. And then what? You'll be all alone, out here in space. Just like back on that ship.”

Michael always stood very still and stiff, but now he froze completely. “What did you say?” he whispered.

Ghoul grinned. Licked his lips. “Your oil was disgusting, but hey, it's still blood, apparently. I know you're lonely. And I know you're terrified of losing what little company you have. You're already regretting letting the others die.”

This time, it was Adam who froze, the plate with his chocolate cake long forgotten on a cupboard. He barely breathed until Michael spoke again.

“I couldn't save them,” he said, clipped.

“Oh, but you could have, couldn't you? You were just too busy repairing the ship, saving yourself.”

“Without the ship, no one would have survived.”

The Ghoul huffed. “They had engineers. They'd have managed. Truth is, you were too scared for yourself to even notice the stasis pods failing.”

It shouldn't have been possible for an android to pale. He didn't even have blood (not red blood, at least). And yet.

“My sensors were malfunctioning,” Michael said shakily. “The Ragnarök's internal sensors were damaged, and-”

“Oh, sure, yeah. That's what you told the kid, right? It was just a minor hitch in the system, though. Easy to repair. You did that within seconds. And that wasn't why you didn't notice. You just didn't check. Because you were too caught up in yourself. And because you never liked them anyway.” Ghoul seemed to have fun with this, his eyes sparkling with delight. A grotesque parody of when Adam smiled at himself in the mirror. “Your father gave you to them, right? For the ship.”

“Stop,” Michael said quietly. Almost softly.

“But you hated it. You were made to obey, but you hated every second of it. All the ships that came before, all the battles – you didn't want it. All you wanted was to go home to dear old daddy and your little AI siblings.”

“Silence!” Michael roared, and even through the speakers in the control room, Adam's ears rang from the volume.

Ghoul yawned. “Yeah, and on top of all of that...” He stretched. “... you also get a weird robot boner for that Adam guy. Don'tcha?”

The footage abruptly cut off. Adam stared at the black screen for a long moment before picking up his chocolate cake again.

He didn't taste it at all while he ate.

This was getting... really weird.

And really interesting.

#Sentient AI Michael my beloved #Midamoulweek #Midamoul #Sci fi AU #Quick writing

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