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cerastes · 6 years

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HEY DRIMO it's been a while since you did a big myth post so how about you tell me a cool story about my boi karna

Oh dear me, Hindu mythos, damn, ok, so, first rule of Hindu mythos is that you all have to wear your seat belts while reading this. If you don’t, you are susceptible to immense physical and spiritual damage, enough that it might kick you right out of the cycle of reincarnation, and then the Mythos Retelling Collective (MRC) will revoke my license due to Irresponsible Sharing of Intense Tales (art. 23847). Are you all strapped in? Y’all got your helmets? Alright alright, let’s get this show on the road.

SO, KARNA. I assume most of you are familiar with Karna having Big Strength and being god damn unkillable. Ok, so, it goes beyond that. It goes at least three Milky Ways in width beyond that. Originally known by his other name, Vasusena (and this dude has like 14 different names), Karna is the main protagonist of the Hindu epic, Mahabharata, and–

Oh, right, before I can tell you anything about the Mahabharata, or about Hindu mythos in general, I need to explain power levels. So you know how in Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Vegeta and Nappa use “Raditz” as a unit of measure for power levels and ki? “My power level is 500 Raditz.” “My power level is 23000 Raditz”, the joke being that Raditz was such a weak grunt that his meager total power can be used as a unit as you would with centimeters? Ok, this is actually canon in Hindu mythos. They have a scale of power levels, referred to as “Levels of Warrior Excellence”. The levels are:

Ardha-rathi: The lowest level, meaning literally “Half of a Rathi”. Read the next section for a more elaborate explanation, but this is Yamcha-tier, basically, the weakest of the badasses.

Rathi: It almost sounds like Raditz, doesn’t it? Well, Rathi is the unit by which all the other levels of Warrior Excellence are measured, as well as a rank by itself. A Rathi is an individual so powerful and skilled, that they can do battle with 1000 regular warriors simultaneously. This is the “Dynasty Warriors Playable Character” tier: Strong, but still susceptible to frames per seconds drops and getting stunlocked by arrows.

Atirathi: HERE is where things get spicy. An Atirathi is a warrior that can fight with six Rathi simultaneously. This is the level of strength possessed by Kevin by the time of Home Alone 2.

Ekarathi: You thought six was impressive? TRY EIGHT RATHI SIMULTANEOUSLY. We are entering Popeye-with-spinach levels of world-ending strength now.

Maharathi: The top level, the cream of the crop, the true definition of “Fuckhouse”. Those who reach this level are immensely powerful, and can do battle with 12 or more Rathi simultaneously. That is 12000 asses worth of whoopings. This is where you favorite Touhou is, obviously, and fuck what everyone else says.

Their measure of unit is basically “How many thousands of dudes can this person fight, or how many people that can fight a thousand people at once can this person fight?”, which, in other words, means that India has not fucked around a single day in it history.

So you might be wondering, “where’s Karna in all of this?”. Well, Chili Con Karna is SO MINDBOGGLINGLY STRONG AND SPICY that he is, literally, a Double Maharathi. Karna is stated to be “in terms of strength and skill, equal to two Maharathi warriors”. These peak jokers made this elaborate power level chart just so they could say “AND KARNA IS DOUBLE AS STRONG AS THE STRONGEST”. He is Two Gokus. Karna could literally look at you, without the laser, and you would just be atomized, restructured, and atomized again in the span of minus three seconds, and you would thank him for it. And damn RIGHT you would thank him for it, because he probably didn’t mean to do that to you. That’s because Karna, despite having more powers than Superman and God combined, is the Ultimate Good Boy. This dude is Puppy Kiss Central, this dude chips in on Pizza Thursday every week, and makes up for those who didn’t chip in. Karna lets you take the last chicken nugget. Karna lets you use Player 1 when you hang out at his place. Karna tells you to text him or call him once you get home after hanging out and he gets worried if you don’t. That dashing guy you saw doing volunteer work at the homeless shelter the other day? Probably Karna. The owner of Old Friends Dog Sanctuary? Definitely Karna.

He’s GOOD.

And that’s why the Mahabharata is so painful: I don’t speak Hindi, but I am pretty sure “mahabharata” translates directly to “Karna Has Bad Day :(”. Today, we’ll be talking about Karna’s Three Curses, with a little bit of his childhood for context on the first one, and because I just want to talk about his dumbass mom. Also that one time he clowned Arjuna and Planet Fucking Earth got mad at him.

SO, there was this lady named Kunti, princess of the Kunti Kingdom (yeah), and this one time she was the host to a sage named Durvasa, who was visiting. She is a most Excellent Host, and provided Durvasa with the best of services, the most delicious food, the most luxurious of drinks, and every volume of Detective Conan, and Durvasa was so stoked at this 10/10 Would Come Again service, that he gave Kunti a special boon: With a mantra he taught her, she now had the amazing power to get knocked up by any deity of her selection. Kunti was really happy with her new pregnancy powers, and couldn’t wait to try them out, so she did to call upon the Sun God Surya, and guess what fucking happened: That’s right, fucking happened. It was a violent and intense cyclone of sex so kinky that the baby was born with armor and earrings (in some versions, Surya “handed” the child to Kunti, but in others, which I opt to believe, Kunti bore his child, and his fat solar load was so powerful that the fetus was armored). And then Kunti was like “oh fuck it worked lol but I am not wed” and since she didn’t want to be an unmarried mother (refer to Hindu tradition for this one), so she did like many other Mothers In Mythology and she put Armor Baby on a basket and set him afloat on the rivER LIKE A REAL KUNT, IT WAS IN HER NAME ALL ALONG, WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES KEEP DOING THIS.

THE REST IS UNDER THE CUT BECAUSE THIS IS TURNING LONG.

Like many other Babies In Mythology, Armor Baby was found by someone, this someone being a charioteer named Adhiratha, but not just ANY charioteer, this was the chief charioteer of King Dhritarashtra, who I hope will forgive me if I wrote his name wrong, and was adopted by the charioteer and his wife, Radha. Armor Baby was given a name, Vasusena, and his pet name was Radheya among the locals. Being born an armored baby, it should come as no surprise Vasusena was interested in the military arts, and so he approached this really cool dude named Dronacharya who taught princes about warfare, BUT Drone told the armor kid to fuck the off because he only taught Kshatriyas (the military social caste in Hindu culture), but he was very impressed by Vasusena’s guts because this shit ass kid more or less just strolled into his house and said “HEY TEACH ME HOW TO BE A BADASS”, so he suggested to his father to change his name to Karna, which means “one who peels his own skin”, as a reference to his guts and totally not any sort of foreshadowing to anything NO SIR WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT.

So ok he got a cool name and whatever, bUT SEE, he still got told to fuck off, which he DIDN’T LIKE, so Cartman, not one to be daunted, sought out Dron’s own teacher instead, because fuck you, that’s why. So Kane finds him, name of Parashurama, and asks him BUT FIRST he disguises himself as a Brahmin, because Futurama only teaches Brahmins, and Karlos was not gonna make THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE. Panasonic agrees, seeing potential in this Double Goku kid and so begins the training arc. Result: Parashurama proudly announces that Karna is his equal in the art of warfare and archery. All this heaving and hoing gets my man Parmesan tired, though, so Karna, ever the good boy, offers his sensei his lap so he can sleep, sensei says fuck yeah and he uses his lap pillow. While he is sleeping, however, a very angry bee goes and stings the hell out of Karna’s thigh, but he’s got his sensei on his lap, which is like when you have a cat or a puppy on your lap and it falls asleep and you do not DARE move. So he didn’t, and this leads to a very important lesson to be learned in the Mahabharata: NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. When he woke up, Parashurama saw the wound and the blood that flowed from it (and from this, I take bees in India are Cazadores from Fallout New Vegas) and immediately realized that Kane was NOT a Brahmin. This lie meant he had ILLEGALLY STOLEN INFORMATION, and so he cast a curse on Karna that made him forget everything about how to wield the divine weapon Brahmandra-astra, an immensely powerful divine weapon he learned to use, but Karna pleaded to please be reasonable, at which point Par realized, hey, maybe this is kinda excessive and impulsive, so he reduced the curse to make it so Karna would only forget it when he needed it the most against an equally powerful warrior, which IS NOT ANY FUCKING BETTER, and then he felt EVEN WORSE because Karna had basically been his best student ever and is a Good Person, so he gave him his own divine weapon, the Bhagavastra, as well as his bow, Vijaya. I mean, you could’ve just. Undone the curse. But hey. New weapons!

So Karna, a dedicated and excellent archer, was VERY HYPED to try out this new legendary bow he had come to own! There’s a thing in Hindu martial arts called “Shabdavedi Vidhya”, the art of hitting a target by detecting the source of the sound. What Karna didn’t consider is that shooting things by just detecting their sound, you know, means you are not REALLY LOOKING AT WHAT YOU ARE SHOOTING, but hey, like eager-to-try-new-toys mother, like eager-to-try-new-toys son. Three guesses as to what happened. You are RIGHT, HE SHOT A FUCKING COW. And it’s not with a little arrow or a harmless stick, this was with the Vijaya, which means that cow was obliterated off the face of this god damn planet. My dude was practicing “shooting at sounds” with a tactical nuke launcher. What the tits did he expect to happen. SEE, I’m sure you know, but shooting cows in India is not exactly something you just apologize about. But Karna, albeit not the brightest crayon in the box, was still Ultimate Good Boy, so he went to apologize to the owner of the cow, who happened to be an actual Brahmin who had performed the Agnihotra rite daily, which made him extra holy. Brahmin, of course, was pissed, and since apparently people in India just have a full moveset of curses ready to sling at a moment’s noticed, cursed Karna AGAIN, with this curse being “fated to die a helpless and callous death”. Not the best series of days for Karna. He could’ve just walked away, but he’s a Good Boy, so he had to take responsibility. NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.

So I want to call attention to this bitch of a life for a second: Baby is born because some cunt used her super pregnancy powers to see if they worked without considering the consequences of, you know, getting super pregnant, Baby is chucked into a basket and sent to fuck off on the rapids, is picked up, immediately tries to enroll with a fighting master, instead enrolls with a SUPER fighting master that taught the previous fighting master, and gets double cursed for being a good boy and having bad trigger discipline.

Now, let’s skip a couple of chapters, and we arrive at the moment where the Pandava princes, all demi-gods, hosted a “tournament” of sorts to show off their skills to the people and to their guru, Drona. They were all having a good time, being badass and superpowered WHEN SUDDENLY Karna shows up and arrogantly challenges them because he knows he can do better, from what he has seen. One of the princes, Arjuna (kept you waiting, huh?), who was regarded by Drona to be the most powerful and skilled on the Pandava, told him to maybe fuck off, and that they couldn’t compete because they were above him, as his caste was no doubt lower than theirs. A certain pair of ears DID NOT LIKE THIS and jumped to Karna’s defense: Duryodhana is the name of the owner of said ears, and he’s got Authority. How much of it? Well, he just up and named Karna King of Anga then and there, just so he could compete. Holy SHIT. Now, see, Duryo hates the Pandava. Duryo REALLY, REALLY HATES the Pandava, and he was 100% behind supporting this random stranger if it meant he could possibly maybe humiliate these ugly sumbitches. Maybe. Ok, see, here’s where it gets a bit weird, but depending on who tells the tale, Duryo and Karna actually already knew each other and were childhood friends, but most tellings make this their first meeting, and I am absolutely on board with that, because it only goes on to show how much Duryo hated the Pandava, and divine people in general. He just fucking HATED gods, man. Can relate. So Karna goes and UTTERLY OUTDOES AND UPSTAGES the Pandava princes. Outright beats all their highscores and writes “ASS” in the 1st Place billboard on each entry as his name. They are all FURIOUS at him, especially Arjuna, who had aced every single event, and now had to wear a nice 2nd place on all of them because this absolutely nobody (no one knew Karna was the sun’s son yet) showed up and utterly pulverized them. This also starts his relationship with Duryo, with whom he’d become fast, and eventually, best friends.

BUT, SEE, HE KINDA GOT MADE A KING, SO HEY, HE HAD TO GO, UH, TEND TO THAT. He was checking his brand new sudden kingdom, when he came across a WEEPING CHILD. If there is one thing Ultimate Good Boy can’t stand, that’s the tears of children, so he approached the girl and asked what’s wrong. See, the girl had accidentally dropped her ghee (kinda like butter but less dense) and she was going to get her ass whooped by her step mother. Karna kindly offered to buy her new ghee, but she said it had to be THAT SPECIFIC ghee with the dirt on it, and that she didn’t want any other. Karna, in his infinite kindness, said “oh, sure, lol”, so he grabbed the dirt and squeezed it with all of his extremely godly might, extracting the ghee back into the jar as if squeezing water out of a sponge, because that’s just the kind of solution you come up with when you are the strongest person in Ever.

hey

you guys remember what I said a while ago?

WHY YES

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.

Guess what happened. Guess whose anger he incurred. He got Bhumi Devi/Mother Earth herself pissed at him. And what was her beef, you ask? Well, see, Karna squeezed that soil SO DAMN HARD that she took offense. Yes. Really. And guess whSHE FUCKING CURSED HIM TOO, OH MY GOD, CEASE THIS, YOU CAN’T JUST HEX A DUDE FOR SQUEEZING DIRTY, COME ON. The curse this time was that she would one day trap his chariot’s wheel during a crucial moment in his life. All because that little girl wouldn’t make do with a new jar of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

WORST. WORLD. EVER.

And guess how Karna dies.

Yes.

His chariot’s wheel gets trapped on the earth (third curse) during a crucial confrontation with Arjuna, he attempts to defend himself with his astral weapon, but forgets how to conjure it (first curse), and is decapitated by a shot of Arjuna’s Gandiva as he helplessly leans against the chariot’s wheel, unable to free it (second curse).

The moral of the story is don’t fucking help anyone, ever, and don’t own up to your mistakes, because if you do, you’ll be triple cursed.

Karna deserved better.

#tainbocuailnge #chili con karna

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horgons-vengance · 7 years

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Chapter 6

Ken sat in the small, dark chamber alone, breathing steadily, studying every part of the room.

After 20 minutes of studying the room, Ken pulled a bull’s horn out of his coat, and began to describe the room to the horn, down to each tile, and each crack.

This took an hour, and once Ken described the last crack, put the horn away, put his hat on, stood up, and began to move to leave, when the door flew open and hit him in the chest, causing him to stumble back.

“What the hell!”

Davin laughed “Well don’t stand so close to the door, dumbass.”

“Don’t open the door so fast, no reason to try and break our house.”

Ken stood a solid 2 feet over Davin. Not because Davin was short. Matter of fact he was exceptionally tall for a human.

Kenshiro was a Minotaur, standing at about 7’10.

Massive compared to nearly anyone, Ken was the largest resident of Bronte, and also its Mayor.

“My mistress wants to see you ‘Mister Mayor’ about your taxes.”

Ken sighed “Why does this not surprise me that she is upset at a small tax. Lead the way.”

Davin turned to leave the small room, and stepped into the foyer of the small Castle. Tapestry hung on the walls decrypting the symbol of the succubus, a small pair horns on an attractive woman with a tail in the shape of a heart around her. Mahogany tables with expensive center pieces every 10 feet. Ken looked at them as they passed and thought to himself

“She’s upset about a Hundred gold a month tax, but has five Ten thousand gold center pieces in one room. I can’t believe this woman.”

Davin opened a large door at the other end of the foyer into an office, and at the other end of the Office sat a woman, her skin a slight purple, small curved horns sticking out of her head. She was wearing skin tight leather suit that left little to the imagination, and her tail was flicking around, similar in fashion to a cat about to pounce. Her hair was a bright pink, long and Curly. She was staring out the large bay window facing over the town

“So Ken, what right do you think you have to tax my business such an outrageous amount.” The woman, still looking out the window.

Ken sighed and said “Well for one, I’m the Mayor, so its kind of my job, and two you are rent free, and you make a hundred gold in about 3 customers. Im making you basically pay chump change.”

She turned, Her piercing blue eyes squinted angrily. “I shouldn’t have to pay a tax, I let you live here.”

“Listen, Lilith, I’m not the town, you are paying taxes to help the town, not me.”

Lilith got even more upset “ But you made the tax you idiot, and I don’t want to pay it. Now pack your stuff and get out of my house, I’m sick of you and your Taxes and town problems. Come back when you have real things for me to worry about.”

As Lilith said that, there was a knock at the door.

“Come in” Lilith know only towns folk knocked, and they don’t bother her unless it’s important.

In stepped Jake, the local mage's apprentice, with a worried look on his face. “My lady, Kenshiro there seems to be a large group of soldiers approaching, with their banners raised. I think it’s the Paladins again.” It had been quite awhile since the Paladins tried to bother them, since last time they killed the goblin that threw bombs at whatever moved and Ken had struck back by cleaving one of theirs in half with his massive axe. They called truce, and said no more blood needed to be spilt, then left.

A voice behind Jake spoke, like a breeze of wind, soft and quiet and gentle, but at the same time, eerie and disturbing. “It is time. This is the final step to our plan.”

Ken jumped slightly, startled by the sudden voice. “Ok, we seriously need to put a bell on you Shia.”

A figure walked in from behind Jacob, wearing a midnight black cowl, with armor so dark that one couldn’t tell if it was cloth or part of the abyss.

Shia’s face was not visible in the cowl, looking more like a specter then another person. The only thing visible on Shia’s person was the bow on Their back, and the rapier on Their waist.

“No time, we must meet our guests” Said Shia, Their voice crept out from the cowl, with there being no sign of them saying anything, no movement, just a voice.

Ken sighed, getting sick of the fact no one in the group had a sense of humor. “Fine, get Balgam and Abraham, and we will finish this.”

____________________________________

Ken stood at the edge of the forest surrounding Bronte, now donning his Dark blue Half plate armor and Wielding his Giant great axe, which sparked with electricity.

Abraham stood next to him, in his blood red gi. Abraham was only other decently tall person in the group, standing at 6 foot 5 inches, though Ken still towered over him.

Abraham’s hair was spiked back, which, to Ken at least, made him look like a large porcupine.

His eyes glowed red in anticipation of the battle about to commence. Battle was really the only reason Abraham was there. Not once has he cared about the plan that Shia had in motion, nor did he care about his deity telling him to ensure this plan went through. He just wants a good fight.

Balgam stood beside him, stirring some sort of concoction. Balgam was a large rat, about the size of a ten year old. One could smell him from 20 feet away and it only got worse the closer they got.

There were bumps and large puss bubbles all over Balgam, and his fur was stuck to his body with fluids. He quite literally looked like the plague and smelled like it. That’s all he was, a large plague rat that wanted nothing but to spread his own personal plague.

Lilith stood in the same clothes she was in before because, in her words, “The enemy will get distracted.” though now she held a wooden staff.

Davin stood next to her, now in black full plate, with a scimitar and a purple tower shield almost the size of him. The tower shield had the same insignia as the tapestry back in the castle.

Shia stood the same as before, though now with the bow drawn, and an arrow notched.

Davin decided to break the silence in typical Davin fashion, by asking a stupid question.

“Where are they? I thought they would be here by now.”

“I already told you, I had my underlings slow them down so you could play dress up.” Balgam responded with a snarl.

“Would you prefer that I come out here in a sleeveless shirt and Leather pants and just flex at them?”

Lilith laughed “I would.”

Ken laughed as well then turned his face serious as he saw the approaching band of men. “Time to Focus.”

There were about 17 soldiers approaching,some with crossbow bolts sticking out of the cracks in their armor and blood on their chest from Balgam’s underlings they had killed.

“Oh great, now I have to get more.” Balgam said, then fell into a coughing fit.

Most of the men were in metal armor with four in the back in leather armor and wielding bows.

One man in the front had bright shining armor that glowed with the radiance of the sun, and a insignia on his shield depicting the sun. His war hammer glowed the same as his armor, and all of it looked clean, even though it was obvious he was just in a battle.

“Thats our target.” Shia said.

The man in the shining armor held up his hand to stop his men about 100 feet away from the group standing opposite of them. He motioned for something to be brought forward. It was a table and a jug of ale, and had the men bring it to the middle of the two groups, and sat. He motioned for someone of Ken’s group to come forward.

“So, whos gonna go talk the shiny idiot?” Lilith asked.

Ken sighed “I’ll go, maybe he will make this easy for us and give up.”

“Probably not dumbass”

“Thanks Davin, glad to see you still haven’t figured out sarcasm”

“Eat me.”

Ken walked to the table and sat down, he could see all of the men in the army become tense as a giant minotaur approached their leader. This is the usual reaction, though Ken was the best negotiator of the group, because he didn’t try to immediately kill them if it doesn’t go his way.

“So Ken, we meet again.” the man spoke as he approached. “Glad to see they sent the sensible one to come out and talk.”

“What do you want Dan? Im sure you didn’t come all this way to share a drink.”

“We both know why I’m here Ken, we know you are close to finishing your plan, and I have to atleast try and stop you.” Dan said, pouring the ale into two cups and offering one to Ken.

Ken took it, and held it up for Dan to clink his cup with him. Dan did, and they both drank.

“Well, that makes sense Dan. If it’s any consolation, I’m sick of this plan. I just want to continue being a mayor. But if I don't go through with this, It's obvious what would happen at this late into the game.”

“Aye. Well, Best of luck to you in this battle to come.”

“You as well Dan.”

They both finished their drink and stood. They shook each other's hands and turned to return to their respective groups.

“You done talking to your boyfriend Ken?” Lilith said as he returned.

“Pretty much, lets end this so I don't have to keep talking you people.”

“Agreed.”

Ken turned back to face Dan and his men whilst pulling the axe off of his back, and held up three fingers and began to count them down.

“Three.” Davin shifted his shoulders and popped his neck. Abraham cracked his knuckles and smiled.

“Two.” As Ken said two, Shia Shot an Arrow at one of the archers and Balgam threw his vial into the main mass of the enemy. Davin and Abraham charged. Lilith just laughed.

Ken just sighed, raised his weapon, and charged, figuring there was no point in finishing the count down.

#amateur author #horgons-vengance #Ken #fantasy writing

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