#and when they would tell me they want something more or that I dont do much it hurt

[mins-fins]

where do we go

&&. conversations between lung destroyi— i mean, smoking cigarettes.

pairing: lee donghyuck x gn!reader

genre: some weird thing idk..

warnings: smoking, readers got some bad friends

word count: 0.9k

notes: can you believe this.. TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!??? okay my first hyuck post today was a timestamp i posted while on the bus home but hey!! two posts in one day is crazy.. also both of them being for haechan, i don't like him guys i just had two good ideas containing smoking and he was the first idol that came to mind 😖 he's the loml fr 💗 but no no no im not a sunflower dont get it wrong 🙏 also i dont smoke, based this off shit i've read and observing all the adults in my life who smoke around me 🙁 dont crucify me for not being accurate #smokers

"you have a lighter?"

the question strikes you as odd. you snap out of your street lamp gazing and turn to the stranger beside you. you blink a few times, as if you couldn't fathom why such a question would be asked. the stranger waits patiently for your answer, mouth seemingly zipped shut after asking the question. "what?" you inquire like an idiot.

"a lighter" he reiterates, raising an inflammable joint tucked between his index and middle finger in the air. you allow for your mouth to form a small 'o', and you clear your throat, suddenly feeling flustered. he snickers lightly, and your almost afraid that he's laughing at you. "you don't smoke?"

you smile weakly, just sighing as you begin rummaging through your pockets. "no it's just.. today's not my day, i'm upset about some shit that's all" when you finally find the lighter you remember you placed into your pocket, you passed it over to him with a throw. "here".

the stranger doesn't seem to be that interested in your lighter anymore, his face coloring in concern at the sound of you being upset. you aren't sure why he even cares, there's no reason for him to. you ignore his look of concern, just rubbing your eyes. "oh? what's upsetting you so much?"

you allow for yourself to snort at the words. "it's nothing, really, i don't want to burden you with my issues" you dismiss him with a wave, watching as he lights the cigarette and takes his first drag of the joint.

"no please" he responds, blowing the smoke out through his lips. he tosses you back your lighter. "you gave me your lighter, so i'll sit here and listen to you vent your issues" he places a prideful hand on his chest, as if you were supposed to celebrate him for that or something.

"wow, should i clap for you to honor such generosity?"

"well you don't have to, but i would love if you did" oh! so this guy is a comedian, your tongue pokes through your inner cheek as you let out another silent sigh, straightening your posture in your seat. your train isn't coming for another ten minutes.

"oh lord where are my manners? lee donghyuck!" he pairs a charming smile with his introduction, and you almost laugh (key word: almost) at the allure of this stranger. he holds out his hand for you to take, presumably for a handshake, and it's not like it'll kill you or anything, so you take his hand, shaking it.

"l/n y/n" you respond, he doesn't hold your hand for long, his grip quickly slipping away from yours as he leans back in his seat sighing.

"alright then, y/n" he begins, playing with the joint in his fingers. "what's making you so upset tonight?"

"do i have to tell you?"

"would you rather sit here in silence and watch me destroy my lungs?"

the answer to that question is easy, no, when given the ultimatum, talking about your issues seems much easier than whatever else he was saying. "it's just— my friends suck! they call me overdramatic for wanting birthday gifts and then they proceed to blow up my phone with texts!"

donghyuck raises an eyebrow, blowing out more smoke. "they didn't even try to get you gifts?"

"they didn't even remember my birthday!" you shout, getting more and more irritated as you recall the incident. "i've literally gotten ignored all day, they only just remembered like two hours ago! can you believe that?"

"what a bunch of assholes.." he mumbles, a smell of burnt cigarettes in the air. "what kind of friends are those?"

"right? and now they're just expecting me to answer their calls!? they can go to hell for all i care!"

"petty" donghyuck comments absentmindedly, his smile doesn't go unnoticed by you, he has such a nice smile, you note. "i like it" he says again, playing with the joint in his fingers.

"i have every right to be petty, they don't deserve my attention.." you brush dust off your sweater, looking forward at the train tracks, your eyes cast up at the board which usually displays how long until your train comes. "you've gotta be fucking kidding me".

"what's wrong now?"

"train is delayed".

"ah" donghyuck resists the urge to laugh at your look of defeat, he doesn't want to upset you. "guess were gonna have to walk home".

you groan at the idea, but you stand up, though begrudgingly. "i don't live anywhere near this place" you shove your hands into your pockets, now annoyed by the fact that you'll have to walk home, just another horrible thing to add onto your horrible day.

"well, we could always walk together".

at donghyuck's suggestion, you give him a baffled look, and he finally does laugh at the look you share with him, taking another drag of the joint tucked between his fingers. "were still strangers, i'm not sure that's safe".

"you gave me your lighter, were basically soulmates".

the statement makes a baffled chortle escape your lips, and you click your tongue at his words. you try your best to ignore the constant buzzing of your phone. "wow, your a comedian aren't you?"

"a proud one too".

the words get another laugh out of you, and you look down at the floor, at your moving feet. "at least let me walk you out of the station, i don't want to leave you here".

"how endearing, lee donghyuck" you tease, finally looking up at him and meeting his eyes. he seems to like those words, because he allows for his lips to turn up into a grin. he drops his cigarette onto the ground and puts it out with his foot. "fine, i'll let you walk me out".

"thank you! i won't disappoint!"

#lee donghyuck #haechan #nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct imagines #nct drabbles #nct scenarios #haechan imagines #haechan drabbles #haechan scenarios #lee donghyuck x reader #haechan x reader #𑁍 ࣪˖ 𓂃 isa's works!

[unknownteapot]

I didn’t like Tommy’s story either. I’m currently listening to the episode and so far I love it. You can tell they put a lot of time and effort into it, specially the background sounds. But fans can be disappointed that the format of a series was changed after months of not hearing from it. I don’t think people are ungrateful, they’re upset with how Smosh dealt with this. I think it’s unfair to completely disregard people’s concerns

hiii anon <3

i agree with you, completely honestly, i really don't want to seem ungrateful or like i'm being too negative about this whole thing, i'm going to try my best to listen to the sword af 2 episodes when i can and obviously i understand there's immense hard work and dedication that goes into making something like this, from what i've seen here on tumblr it's great so far- im not intending to disregard that!!

similar to you, though, i'm not too happy the way this was dealt with & announced - my major gripes are that their considerations for people who are deaf/hard of hearing/have auditory processing issues were only made after the backlash of the first announcement? like wdym you're making it into a whole podcast but didn't even think about people who can't listen to it? like not once in the entire process of shifting mediums? as far as i know (please correct me i'd love to be corrected, i hope i'm wrong) there haven't been any steps taken so far about that- i haven't seen any captions/transcripts posted by smosh games or any statements after the 2nd community post on yt where they addressed the backlash on what their further steps are to make this more accessible

it also feels strange to me that they were so silent about it for so long- maybe if they'd made the announcement earlier/gave at least a little info we'd already have had this conversation about inclusivity and captions would be available along with the 1st Ep so everyone can keep following the story they absolutely love as it releases

lastly (and i'm sorry this is an essay anon and anyone reading but i really need to say all this) the community of sword af fans are one of the most dedicated & talented communities i've seen tbh, they have to know the support is there right? i'm so surprised they're not posting any parts of the podcast on youtube (the literal home of smosh), it's so strange to me, it really feels like it's being pushed to the side slightly- but hey what do i know, i'm a silly gal on tumblr pls dont come for me

#ask q #sword af #smosh

[11queensupreme11]

Hi,person from the "sweet fever" question!(I recommend u to do a quick read on the fan manga or see a resume so u can understand what I'm talking abt a bit better lol)

I was referring to a succubus womb tatto which can represent female power or something but can also represents other things depending on type of succubus womb tattoo (like one for cum addiction+other thing, one for slave I think,etc)

But I have another question,this situation would remind me of the Hades and Percy pollen situation, so how the yans react to Hades almost doing with Percy TWICE and in one Percy was high on sex pollen? I mean Hades didn't take her virginity but he was CLOSE☠️

omg wait so if character a got the "cum addiction" womb tattoo, they would be given a cum addiction?? and so forth??? omg 🤭 why didn't i learn of this sooner, now i know what kinda fics to search for tonight hehe

NOW I CAN DO YOUR FIRST REQUEST:

I wonder what would happen if Percy got a curse by that bc Aphrodite is TIRED of waiting for something more to happen so Percy's with an insane libido, fever, the temporary succubus womb tatto, etc. I wonder how yans would react and what would happen lol (Unrelated but I love how everyone uses the question things to talk u to just for the "anonymous" thing, I'm one of said followers😭)

(i found these on twitter btw, so im using these ideas for inspo hehe)

so knowing aphrodite, she would pick a tattoo that SPECIFICALLY suits whatever yan she wants percy to end up with (actually, she'd probably switch it up every day so percy can be with ALL of them lmao, more entertainment for her)

beelzebub: COMMAND/REPROGRAM/TRIGGERED for sure 😭 lowkey, he'd be irked at first because he's already been conditioning her and he doesn't need the help of a stupid mark but eventually he starts to... enjoy it 😏 you know he's gonna order her to do the most lewdest things and video tape it so he can enjoy it in the future. and hey, since the mark's only temporary, he could even use the videos for future blackmail! 🤗

poseidon: LESSER. oh poseidon would LOVE this because finally percy starts to listen to him. he'll tell her that humans are awful and they all deserve to die, and she'll believe him. he'll tell her that it's perfectly okay to love your father, and she'll believe him. he'll tell her that it'd be SUCH a great idea for them to marry and have children and she'd believe him. no more needing to worry about his precious daughter getting corrupted by humanity's morals, she's now all his for the taking, yay!!!!

hades: LIBIDO/SWAY/GAZE. this man is horny for his niece so dont be surprised if he has dirty thoughts about her. imagine the horror percy'll feel when she hears her own uncle's impure thoughts about her?? and the horror she'll feel when she realizes she's actually getting TURNED ON by them??? she'll be so humiliated and confused when she suddenly starts touching herself, but its okay because her dear uncle's there to help her 🥺

apollo: CUMDICTION. aphrodite feels sooo bad that percy barely pays attention to him, so she curses her with a mark that makes her absolutely OBSESSED with him (tho to be more specific, his dick). apollo would be so ecstatic that the love of his life is finally reciprocating his love, that he won't even notice the womb mark when he's fucking her! true love 💖

loki: SUFFER/FORLORN. shocker, right lol 😂 he would totally enjoy this because he gets to do all kinds of sexual torture on her, BUT he's surprisingly also the first one who starts to hate the mark. her reactions aren't genuine, he wants the REAL percy, without this annoying mark! he wants percy to fight back and snap at him with her sassy words, not moan and be forced to submit!!!!

AND AS A BONUS: aphrodite would somehow manage to trick the yans into entering a room and throw percy in there with the pheromone mark! pheromone: any man within 30 meters will become aroused and attracted to her. the closer he is, the stronger it gets, and since these yans are already head over heels for her, the effects would be even STRONGER so rip percy's 🐱

#👸🏻| asks #👸🏻| arsenic blues

[lilaccatholic]

how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?

#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk #i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting #it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer. #i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love. #im not the type you launch a thousand ships for. #so what's left? #who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture. #i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for. #im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now. #except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving. #i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around. #how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too. #its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like #ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out. #ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing #the trail? how do i become myself happy and free? #because i WANT to be more #i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy #but i dont know how to get there #and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me #all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself #i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do #anyway. #anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol #im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good. #please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM #lilac rambles

[icewindandboringhorror]

examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk

#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard* #I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details #of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point #but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag #of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there #are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance #but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly #doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. ) #the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead #of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like #you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image #or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i #wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol) #hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe #I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing #that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc #eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that #this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently #wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj #Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU #CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN #MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie* #Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol #I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it #with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits #and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit #out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the #unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh #re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI #art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA

[autisticlee]

i'm aroace, sex repulsed and don't get traditional romance or find the need for it, but I still often think how it would be neat to have a gf/partner for other purposes that arent romance and sexual. but it seems impossible to make someone want to date you if you take out those things????

sometimes I think it would be nice to have a gf to do cute gay cosplay photoshoots with. there would be mouth smooching and you usually can't do that with a friend and I don't really want to either, so a gf would be useful for that.

then there's hating showers because they exhaust me and it would be nice to have a gf to wash my hair and stuff for me??? can't call up a friend to do this every time I need to shower. that won't work and I doubt they'd want to/be comfortable doing that.

most friends will end up putting all their priority into their partner and/or family they create. I want someone that will make me their priority and not run off with someone else they start dating and abandon me??? something like that. their priority is cleaning our home together, hanging out together, going shopping and other domestic/partner stuff. they don't do that with someone else or use me temporarily until they can find a partner. so it's essentially dating/being partners. but it looks different from your typical expected romance and partnership.

doesn't matter how aroace I am, I have accepted that a relationship is beneficial in many ways and there's certain things that you can't expect friends to cover and they can't fill. but I have zero interest in looking for a partner in traditional ways that requires small talk/flirting/dates/etc. so that makes me realize i'll most likely not trick someone into partnering with me lmao

the internet seems to call this kind of thing "queer platonic relationship" (did I remember it right?) and you just need to find another sroace person to do it with. but either way, there's no textbook to study for how to get that and where to find these people. it seems harder than the puzzle that is regular dating tbh.

there's that saying "there's other fish in the sea" but i'm a worm in a puddle the other worms got out before they drowned. there's no fish here lmao. my options are so limited that I haven't met a single option yet in my life. there's barely any chance the first aroace person I meet irl will be compatible, or the first compatible person will accept a relationship with an aroace. you know what I mean? any other aroace that's interested in some kind of relationship/partnership and feel like you don't get that whole sea to choose from like everyone else and only have a dried up puddle? 😅

#lee rambles #asexual #aromantic #aroace #im not desperate and not looking. it's just a passing thought sometimes.... #when it would be convenient i think about it. like how convenient it would be to find a canadia partner so i csm move there #and move in with my 2 closest friends #and the cosplay thing. that comes up a lot because i currently have a big interest in doing more cosplay stuff #i know i say i dont get romance and flirting stuff but sometimes when i observe others or see it in media #when someone does flirty things to their partner ans the partner gets flustered like a girl calling her gf cute and she gets shy and blushy #sometimes i want someone i can do that to because it amuses me to see people react that way and i like to be amused and make people react #to things lmao. another good use for a gf/partner #not sure if that means i do have some interest in that stuff or if it doesnt count because my reason for it seems different than usual 😅 #ALSO. its so hard for me to tell if i truly want a relationship/partnership or if its because society and people around me make me feel like #i have to?????? amd im making uo excuses for why i would need it or would benefit from it? so that i can fit in or something??? #i genuinely dont know which one it is and i hate that. could it be a bit of both? i suppose so....hmmmmm

[persephonaae]

Helloooooo everyone hi, so as you may or may not know I'm trying to get things together to start offering art commissions because I'm facing a lot of pressure to earn more money for my family, but while I'm trying to sort all that out and have better examples of my digital art (and tbh wanna save up for a good art scanner so I can better do half my work traditionally and half digitally) but anywho yes while I'm sorting all that out I was wondering if it would be worthwhile setting up a ko-fi just to get some passive tips and hopefully alleviate some of the stress I'm feeling from family stuff. So below I'll just have a poll of some different stuff, I really wanna gauge where my followers are at with such things

And of course I'd love feedback in the replies!

#unfortunately i cant offer things like cosplay commissions at this moment #im also like mrrp i probably cant offer physical art at the moment either bc thats a lot of work working out shipping stuff and #and material costs that i dont have good ways to parse just yet #but it is something im interested in the future #especially since im traditionally a sketch and watercolour artist but im also trying to get into doll making #but anywho #i know it can be weird when an artist starts looking for monetary gain but ive had a rough couple years with no real start to my career #and my mom is really cracking down on me lately about needing me to bring in more money and i can kinda tell she really wants me to switch #switch careers to something i would fundamentally hate doing and would burn me out in ways it would be hard to create things anymore #anywho!!! sorry for a sob story in the tags it's just that yea im a struggling neurodivergent artist whos just been having a time recently

[mokeonn]

I'm playing bg3 again and trying out the honor mode (which as it turns out, might be a bad idea if you never beat the game in general, much less beat it in tactician mode) and I have been confronted with the fact that I absolutely have dnd race favoritism and it absolutely is contributing to my need for many many bg3 saves because I constantly think "hmmm I want to try playing as a deep gnome to see if I get special dialog with Barcus Wroot, the Iron hands, and the underdark" before picking Drow for the 4th time.

#simon says #to be fair!!! #for my honor mode run I picked half-elf drow heritage because I liked the male face shapes more #and also because picking a Lolth Sworn drow for the 4th time would be a sign of a problem #if you want to know what option number 2 is for character creation is when I think 'i should pick something other than drow' it's halfling #i love halfling characters I love halflings I love the adorably sweet dialog options you get and I love how the game is in a new camera #like it's so fun talking to small characters and having them just look at you normally but having every large character look down at you #it makes every threat 100 times more threatening #someome threatens you and you're a big ol dark urge dragonborn? yeah okay bud. I got acid breath we'll see who wins here #someone threatens you and you're a fucking tiny little wild mage halfling who just spent the last hour telling Lae'zel to be cordial? #yeah I believe that threat. they could absolutely just pick me up and run off with me right now and the most I could do is accidentally fog #if you wanna know default number 3 if I dont wanna be a drow and halfling is just no cutting it? #dragonborn #in actual dnd I have never played them because there's so many other races I default to (like tiefling which is 4 in this list) #but in bg3 they're just SO fun to make and look so cool #it goes in order of special favorite little cultists > special favorite little combat avoiders > the most fun thing to make and play #and finally tiefling. i don't have much of an explanation besides the fact that tieflings are fun and I love their plot relevance in bg3 #but yeah dragonborn is absolutely the most fun to create in character creation and very fun to play #but I gotta choose my special little guys with nothing in common #do I pick a dark elf choosing to leave the cult of lolth to be good? a dark elf who is still Lolth's special little baby girl? #a dark elf with nothing to do with the underdark since their parent left who has lived a surface life and doesn't like cultist association #or do I pick a halfling who's here to be as cordial as possible and find the funniest ways to avoid combat #I was considering having a halfling for my honor mode because I thought romancing Halsin would be fun #but I decided a drow because avoiding the goblin combats without using the tadpole is a HUGE plus #and also because I had used the best halfling hairstyle on my other halfling and I didn't want to just make the same guy twice #anyways I still need to do like every other race and class soon so I can get the fun dialog #but here's the tough truth that funnie pony artist number 32 really loves Drow and Halflings so so so much

[size-two-shrimp]

Hey y'all, just so all of my fic readers are aware: I've kinda been losing motivation writing wise, I'm just not getting as much enjoyment (read: engagement) out of it and it's just not as worth it anymore to me. I'm still going to be writing, there's still things I want to work on, but probably not as frequently as I had been. Sorry about that

#man i feel like i sound like a greedy bastard for this but its true: i exclusively write for the engagement and knowing people liked it #i dont dislike writing dont get me wrong but if i wanted to create a story only for myself and not for others i would just. daydream about #it while working on chores or art or talk about it with friends. to me writing takes up time i could spend doing something that needs to b #done or could be used for things i enjoy more and just. i do really appreciate every single comment kudo and hit i get but also its very #hard to stay motivated at all when i get nothing out of the effort i put in yknow #when authors say that comments are what make them write faster/more they really do mean it. if you enjoy something someone has created #please tell them. this goes for all artists writers musicians etc. #anyways uh. merry christmas to all and all a goodnight im going to go eat dinner

[izzy-b-hands]

im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just

it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)

#text post #god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again #in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps #makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now #gonna sleep eventually #i think lmao #im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better #that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something #no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that #my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it #he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances) #and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year #i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND #and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live #that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me #he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off #where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself #if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao #i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine #gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings #find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try #forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others

[inkybinkyboink]

today i rented a guitar.

#i think im worried about going into a bad headspace again this summer because summer is kind of a tricky time for that #i dont like not being at school #i think i always need to be doing something #so i rented a guitar from the music store and im going to attempt to learn over the summer #i was noodling around for like an hour and it sounds so relaxing #ive been “playing” ukulele for a few years now and its a lot trickier than ukulele because there's more strings but knowing how its mapped #out from already knowing how a ukulele works is super helpful #its nice having something to work on for the next little while #but im more excited about the prospect of just having been able to do that #like i walked into the store and went “i wanna rent a guitar” and the dude was like “how old r u” and i went “twenty" #and then i filled out the paperwork and now i just have a guitar #and it only cost like 20 bucks #thats so cool to me #idk i guess they're just little things that remind me that being an adult is scary but it can also be kind of fun? you kind of realize that #when everyone else tells you that you have free will now it doesnt just mean being able to drive whereever you want whenever you want #it means being able to rent things and stuff too #and having the authority to say “i would like to do this” and being totally allowed to do it (within ethical boundaries ofc ofc 😌😌😌) #its like...deeper than the kind of rebelliousness of driving past midnight or getting tattoo or driving to a bar #its a weird sense of control thats oddly reassuring #delete later probably #tig rants

[yelloworangesoda]

gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this

#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me #‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds #im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing #life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something #i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore #i finished. and i hate it #i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here #i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant #it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them #i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just #didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore #ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better #idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu #but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years #and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!! #i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad #i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped #like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this #drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me #not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess #yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well. #i dont like to say the words #simons spouting #vent :(

[thedeca]

i will NEVER get over the bhaal murdering sceleritas fel scene, it goes so unbelievably hard to me

#i was speechless when it first played #bhaal's voice is just so perfect #also re: bhaal's avatar being the reflection of sceleritas fel in his pool of blood #jaheira mentions she suspects that the butlers are to sort of keep an eye out on his spawn to make sure they dont betray him #betray him the same way that a bhaalspawn resolved the bhaalspawn crisis w jaheira and minsc #so that makes it very interesting to me how orin OBSESSIVELY would kill her butler #and with bhaal using the butler as an avatar i think it ties in with how orin is doing all of this for her father sarevok #shes committing all these ritualistic murders for bhaal. shes doing it for sarevok #and she admits it herself when you tell her the truth about sarevok and helena #bhaal doesnt seem to care much though??? because if anything he just needs a puppet chosen willing to commit murder constantly #orin 'dies' when she becomes the slayer. shes no longer orin #in bhaals words she becomes 'murder' #hence why it doesnt matter to bhaal that shes more loyal to her actual father than bhaal #im just so fascinated by the backstories of durge and orin and their relation to bhaal and his cult #because i feel like there are things in bg3 that imply durge mightve tried to resist once but failed miserably #like how sceleritas fel said durge always struggled w simple tasks which i always assumed to be murders #but i feel like it could also mean something else because durge is canonly bhaals favourite child and probably most successful one #also i fucking LOVE that the avatar of bhaal doesnt wear sceleritas fels hat LMFAOOOO #i thought it was an oversight at first because you see glimpses of his bhaald head #no its just because he doesnt want to wear a servants hat #if you wear one of the hats belonging to sceleritas #sceleritas even urges you to take it off