#and while im home ill be perfectly in control haha

[lizzieislife94x]

I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend (e.o)

GirlxGirl

LizziexFem Reader

Honestly I'm drunk and Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne came on and so I've wrote this lmao enjoy (I will be writing it sober but just putting the idea down now or I'll forget)

Y/ns POV:

Why does she need to look so fucking perfectly perfect I groan to myself as I fake a smile to my best friends, friend Elizabeth I've met her multiple times we've hung out in a group multiple times and we always catch eyes I've spoke to her many of times alone but it's so hard to control myself around her I don't know why I'm so madly inlove with this woman yet she only sees me as a friend of a friend but fuck I love listening to her talking and her laughing smile can turn my worst days to amazing days and her eyes I've found myself lost in them many times and don't get me started with the little touches and flirting here and there purely innocent on her end she's just started seeing someone she has a second date with her in a few days "y/n yoo y/n" my best friend Stella snaps in my face with a giggle bringing me out of my thoughts "welcome back y/n where did you go" lizzie says softly as she gently rubs my arm making me blush "oh uh just lost in thought haha anyone want a drink?" I say standing up as I walk away without actually seeing if anyone wants a drink "yeah can I have a double vodka with sprite please" I say ordering a drink and boy do I need it

"dude what is wrong with you, you where spaced out the entire conversation lizzie was telling us about the girl she has a second date with and you wernt listening " I rub my temples and turn to Stella placing my hands on her shoulders "you know I love you right but please drop it im fine I zoned out and I don't wanna hear about how excited she is for her date with Little Miss Perfect" I say with a sigh as jealousy comes out "here you go ma'am " I turn and take my drink smiling as I turn back to Stella "you like her don't you" I roll my eyes and drink some of my drink "just drop it please I need to go get ready to go on stage the band should be ready ill see you in a bit" I down the rest of my drink and walk past lizzie towards the stage without making eye contact I quickly jump on the stage and hug my band mates I walk towards Jules who smirks pulling me into a hug hands resting on my lower back giving the full bar view she whispers in my ear not breaking the hug "so blondy over there is that who the songs about are you still doing it " I pull away and look at her with a nod I walk towards the mic and pull it to my lips "mic check one two one two, how's everyone doing tonight I hope youre all excited to see us perform because we are super excited to be here as always thank you to the owner and our dear friend Jacob" I smile as everyone starts cheering and screaming I turn to look at my band and nod as they start to play the tune I smirk getting ready to jump around and sing my heart out giving it all my energy "hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend no way no way I think you need a new one" I scream while jumping around having a ball making direct eye contact with lizzie I point to her slightly as I continue to jump around singing all of us giving it our all " hey hey you you I want to be your girlfriend "

we continue singing until the song ends as everyone starts screaming and cheering making me smile brightly we perform another 3 songs before I bid my goodnights to the people I jump off stage and smile an appreciated smile as Stella hands me a drink I sit and drink it as I wipe the sweat from my face by lifting my top I take a second to get my breath back before looking at lizzie and Stella lizzies eyes glued to my toned stomach "thanks for supporting me as always such an amazing bestie I love you" I say standing up walking behind Stella wrapping my arms around her in a tight hug kissing her cheek gently "I'm gonna head home though because I need to shower and well you know" I whisper the last part as she squeezes my arms letting me know she understands I quickly stand up straight and look at lizzie with a slight smile "thank you for coming have a great night" I turn walking out of the club as I get my car keys from my pocket unlocking it I climb in and sigh leaning my head against the steering wheel after a few minutes I hear soft knocks on my window I look up to see lizzie and smile as I open my door "hey are you ok" I ask as she moves closer to me "yeah so Stella's boyfriend turned up and they where eating eachothers faces and she's my ride home I was wondering if you could take me home" I can't say no to that face as much as I can't spend time with her I'd never leave her here I need to make sure she's safe "yeah sure of course jump in" she smiles and jumps up and down placing a kiss on my cheek as she runs around to the other side hoping in the car "thank you" I nod not really saying anything as I start the car and head towards lizzies house she lives 50 minutes from here so this is gonna be an agonising ride "that first song you sang it was great about anyone in particular?" She randomly says 10 minutes into the drive "yeah but she's seeing someone so it honestly doesn't matter"

I say a little coldly "is it about stella" she says a hint of sadness in her voice I shake my head and laugh "oh god no I love her she's my best friend but I'm not inlove with her and I certainly don't want to be her girlfriend " after a few seconds of silence she whispers "good" i pull over to a more private place and look over to her "oh my god youre going to murder me arnt you" I let out a laugh and look at her longingly "no lizzie I'm not going to murder you I'd never hurt you, but" i take a deep breath and ready myself gripping the wheel a little "youre an amazing girl but I think we should hang out with Stella separately being around you is becoming incredibly hard and tonight sitting listening to you talking about this amazing girl youre so excited to see again crushed me and I can't sit and pretend it doesn't when we all hang out but as time goes on it's gonna get worse and become harder and I know its so selfish of me but I think it's best" I say with sadness I look down and whisper after a few minutes of silence "say something "she clears her throat and looks at me "just take me home please" I sigh and start to drive towards her house once again she doesn't say a word the entire way to her house after 40 minutes I pull up to her house and park the car "there you go" she turns and looks at me like she's studying me and before I know it she grabs me by the collar of my shirt crashing her lips to mine in a heated passionate kiss after a few seconds I pull away completely confused "wh.." she smirks and interruptes me "there is no other girl, I like you and I wanted to pretend I had this amazing date coming up it was stupid but fuck I like you" before she can say anything I kiss her passionately, once air becomes and issue she pulls away leaning her head against mine "take me to bed" she whispers I instantly jump out the car and run around to open her door both of us giggling as she jumps into my arms 

"You look so fucking sexy" she says biting her lip as she looks down at my naked exposed body I honestly wasn't expecting her to be a top but fuck me she's hot, I can't help but blush looking at her with lust in my eyes "please fuck me mommy" I instantly freeze slapping my hands over my mouth my eyes almost bulging out as I realise what i said "fuck say it again" she groans as she sits between my legs rubbing my thighs sending tingles all over my body "please...fuck me..mommy" I breath out a moan as her thumb gently rubs my clit adding a little pleasure making me buck my hips to gain more friction "please don't tease baby" I moan as she smirks "so fucking wet for me kitten and that's not my name" she slides her fingers down to my entrance teasing me "I'm sorry mommy but please don't tease me I need you fuck I need yo..." before I could finish she sunk 2 fingers deep inside me causing me to gasp and moan as the pleasure runs through my veins "mhhh fuck just like that mommy" she thrusts her fingers faster as she leans down taking my left nipple into her mouth as my hand instinctively grabs her hair causing her to moan "you like that kitten" she groans against my nipple as her fingers curl hitting my gspot "fuckkkkkkk do...don't stop pl..please mommy" I scream as she continues to hit my gspot over and over I feel my legs start to shake uncontrollably as the knot in my stomach snaps and my orgasm washes over me lizzie slows her thrusts to let me ride out my orgasm as my legs continue to shake and my cum coats her fingers and hands "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck" I whimper pulling her down ontop of me as she slides her fingers out and smirks bringing them to my lips "suck princess"

I moan and do as I'm told and suck her fingers swirling my tounge around causing her to moan "such a pretty site if it wasn't so late I'd make you cum over and over so I can hear those pretty little cries of pleasure but you need sleep babygirl " I smile and look into her eyes "I had no idea you where a top but fuck me it was hot I never let a girl top me but you turned me into a whimpering puddle" I say with a blush she smiles and pecks my lips whispering against my lips "because youre my good little girl" I moan and hide my face in her neck as she giggles and cuddles into me I turn on my side to look into her eyes "I can't believe that just happened I've found it so hard to control my feelings around you" I confess as I kiss her forehead "me to but I want to take you on a real date babe so tomorrow I'm taking you out" I smile and nod as we cuddle and I slowly drift off to sleep with a smile on my face as she tickles my back making me feel content. 

AN: ok I'm not gonna lie I was supposed to post this and another yesterday so I apologise but I was out with friends all day for my birthday so completely forgot to finish it but I hope you enjoy I have another then ill start working on the part 2s and requests, hope everyone is good and remember stay hydrated babes haha word count 2k 

#elizabeth olsen #lizzie olsen #fanfic #mcu #mcu fanfiction #marvel mcu #oneshot #smut #wattpad #lizzieislife94x #wanda maximoff #wandavision #mommy wanda #wanda marvel #wanda mcu #wanda x reader #wanda x you #wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximommy #wanda maxmoff x y/n #wanda smut

[fangsforfags]

Shameless Characters as Songs I like:

Frank Gallagher: Prescription by Mindless Self Indulgence. It talks about needing to take pills, and Frank Gallagher loves pills. Honestly it just suits him. 🤷

Fiona Gallagher: To Build A Home by Cinematic Orchestra. We shoulda seen this coming. I mean come one, she seriously went since she was 6 to keep her family together! She always tried for them and was always there for them--pretty much becoming like a mom, a parent, a "home" to her siblings. She's worked so hard to keep them home from Dcfs whenever they got separated. She was the only person close enough to a parent that cared for the kids, and she deserved so much better. She became a better mom than Monica and a better dad than Frank. She became the parent her siblings needed. She made sure they were safe because they are her life.

Lip Gallagher: Get It Up by Mindless Self Indulgence. I really didn't want to use another MSI song but there's a part in the song that says, "...just whatever you do don't talk about your fucking boyfriend while we're having sex..." And it just reminds me of Lip because there are times where his partner is talking about someone else while they do it and it just makes this song choice for him even more relatable.

Ian Gallagher: Wires by The Neighbourhood. I think this song goes good with Ian because there's a part where the singer talks about giving someone their medicine and I think of Ian. And the whole song reminds me of Ian and his bipolar because "the wires got the best of him," where the "wires" is his mental illness.

Debbie Gallagher: Smack a bitch by Rico Nasty. I was debating on songs because I dislike Debbie by a lot and was debating in using Lily Allen's song "fuck you." But I chose Rico's song because honestly Debbie isn't afraid to throw hands with someone. In s5, she went and beat up Holly and Ellie (for no reason bc Debs is a bitch like that) and fought that homeless lady in s7 over that corner. So, Debs throws hand.

Carl Gallagher: Teenagers by My Chemical Romance. Honestly, Carl is a tough, intimidating, ruthless person who could beat the shit out of you. I mean, even in early seasons Carl was kinda ruthless to people and pets. This songs just works for him.

Liam Gallagher: Cool Blue by The Japanese House. Honestly I see Liam as this song because Liam is this quiet, calm, collected kid and this song is soft and calm. Yes i know it's used in s1 of 13rw, but this song reminds me of Liam. It's just a nice song to listen to and Liam is pretty quiet and he's a nice kid too.

Mickey Milkovich: Mistakes Like This by Prelow. This song gives me closeted!Mickey vibes man. When the singer is pretty much saying how they can't stop thinking of a person but they know they shouldn't get involved, it reminds me of Mickey before he started actually caring about Ian. Because he wanted Ian, but he knew he shouldn't want him because of his dad. So he tries to keep Ian away with the "feelings" and all that shit.

Mandy Milkovich: Not Your Barbie Girl by Ava Max. We know that Mandy doesn't let guys use her. In s2 Mandy tells Lip that after a 3rd time they either figure it out or stop, meaning she wasn't gonna be someone that was used only for sex. She had plans for a relationship, and doesn't let boys control her. She's also held a shotgun to T*rry so respect for that. :)

Veronica Fisher: OMG by Iggy Azalea and Wiz Khalifa. I think this song goes to Ms. Veronica Fisher because nobody can compare to her. She's absolutely beautiful and she knows it. She's a bad ass bitch too and doesn't fuck with anybody that tries crossing her. A. Fucking. Queen.

Kevin Ball: Never Gonna Give You Up- Rick Astley. Haha, get Rick Rolled bitches. ✌😄 nah jk but Kev deserves this song because he's so fucking loyal from loving V and only V, to helping the Gallaghers when they need it. Kevin is a really loyal guy and loves everyone and is a protector for his friends and family. Everyone needs a Kevin in their life. :)

Karen Jackson: Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood. Yes another song by them, deal with it. But this songs reflects Karen perfectly because her dad did humiliate her in front of a group full of people. He called her a whore and made her think he loved her again. It caused her to fuck up a lot and not care for consequences. But with her dad being a dick and her mom not really being there for her to see her succeed, it fucks you up.

Sheila Jackson: Ms. Jackson by The Outkast. "IM SORRY MS. JACKSON. NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU DAUGHTER CRY..." Lol but seriously i see Sheila with this song, well because she's Ms. Jackson. And that part I have quoted makes me think if Lip and Karen. But the song overall makes me think of Sheila. Sheila if you're reading this we miss you and want you back. :(

Yo if you got any songs you think would work better with them just comment! :)

#frank gallagher #fiona gallagher #lip gallagher #ian gallagher #debbie gallagher #carl gallagher #liam gallagher #veronica fisher #kevin ball #mickey milkovich #mandy milkovich #karen jackson #sheila jackson #shameless post

[barryslightningrod]

Hey!🤗 How ‘bout 27, 28 & 39! Thank you!✌️

27. best review you ever got

I love every review I’ve ever gotten ❤️ Including the gif responses on Tumblr 😂 But these are some I’ve saved to read when I’m having a bad day that make me laugh or make me tear up. I couldn't pick one and they remind me how much fun this is:

“My word! This fic is amazing! What I loved most about it was that it's quite poetic and artistic in creating its own canvas of Barry and Iris, how colourless both of them felt after the breakup and how full of life they are together. I genuinely enjoyed the art commentary at the beginning and the seriously hawt sex. Hot damn. The paintbrush should have grossed me out but it was seriously hot af.”

“Where does one even start with this precious story you've given us? You paint such a beautiful setting with the ice cream parlour and Noah's feelings of having to work on such a busy summer day and of course, the sweet West-Allen family. I love the idea that Barry and Iris's love creates this little bubble around them that protects them and that they unintentionally get lost in their own little world with just the two of them. It only makes sense that this little world would expand to include their two sweet children. So much loves abounds between them, so much so that even Noah can see it in such a short amount of time. This story captures all that Barry has ever wanted: building a life with Iris and making their own traditions with their children while also keeping the memory of his parents alive as best as he can. Goodness. This is truly such a special little story.”

“Whew, chile....this had my blood pumping first thing in the morning. LOL. OOC or not this was SUPER HOT so thank you for sharing.”

“Once again, love the character reveal, specifically, Iris's determination, self-reliance and work ethic, even while masturbating! But like you say in one of the comments, I can only imagine that she does feel like this regularly. While there are many, many benefits of being with a speedster, there are a ton of drawbacks and regular loneliness is one of them.But check out how neither of them is surprised when Barry returns. She's relieved and not embarrassed and he just comes in and finishes the job without hesitation. sigh.”

The stories I've read from you so far are perfect in rendering the sheer emotion that's generated between these two. You can really feel the palpable force or love and pain, joy and sorrow between them. It makes reading that much more enjoyable”

“OMG *CRIES* THIS WAS SO TENDER AND SO FLUFFY CUTE I DIE!!!!!This cuteness is TO MUCH FOR MY POOR HEART *AHH*I DONT THINK THERE ARE WORDS ENOUGH TO EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR THIS OMG (Hence all the caps)“What’s your treasure, Daddy?” Don poses.“You guys are my treasure,” Barry answers with soft reverence, the glimmer in his eyes as he looks upon hischildren visible even from where Iris stands, and her heart swells so tremendously that she feels it might burst."*flows of tears* OH MY GOSH!!! BARRY ALLEN IS THE BEST FATHER EVER SERIOUSLY..I MELTED WITH EACH WORDHE WOULD SAY TO HIS KIDS AND HOW LOVING AND CARING HE IS OF THEM WHILE IRIS IS AWAY GAH MY HEART“You’re my treasure, you know that?” she murmurs, clutching him more tightly.His beaming in response is instant as he recognizes that she’s been home all along, and he slides an arm down her back to tug her close to him while they head to their bedroom together.Yup, Iris thinks to herself as she leans her head against her husband's shoulder, upholding what she always believed. I wouldn't change a thing."*DEAD WITH FEELS* AHHH IF THE INTERACTION WITH THE TWINS WASNT ENOUGH, THIS WITH IRIS WAS THE CHERRY ON TOP!!!! GAH SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH!!! SHE WAS TOTALY IN AWWS OF HIM AND I CAN'TI HOPE WE GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN THE SHOW BECAUSE IF NOT IMA RE READ THIS A MILLION TIMES OVER.. IM LIKE DROWNING WITH FEELS RIGHT NOW ITS NO JOKE LOL THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!*Goes to a corner to cry some more happy tears*”

“Gorgeous! Iris's love for Barry is so tangible here, and I love how you managed to draw out how Barry says things to Iris and waits for her to interpret them for them both! Such a great piece, and one of my favorite moments! Thanks for writing and sharing!”

“You write sexual sensuality so well. It's so beautiful. It's like you really understand their characters and how they would approach their relationship. Well done, as always!”

“So much perfection. I can practically feel the smut that is to follow. The sizzle is REAL. And how wonderful that Grant's tweet inspired this! Just another wonderful after-effect to CP&GG's flirty twitter convo. hehe.This is my favorite:"His reply is instant. Right now? Your legs, he admits."Lmao. It's just so...like a knee-jerk response. He doesn't think much of it, just answers the question honestly & immediately, and just so casual. That stops immediately with HER VERY SUGGESTIVE response. haha. Oh goodness. But all of this was so lovely & steamy, in only a way yours can be. It's sexting for crying out loud & yet the UST is just...I mean..."Goddammit, Iris."XD So fabulous. Can't wait for your next piece!(Oh & also! - Even for The Flash? Especially for The Flash. lol)”

“Thank yo so much for this amazing fic. I wanted a fic like this for so long, even though about writing it myself but with lack of time it's hard. This is everything I wanted, because ever since she said she couldn't stop thinking about him and really wanted a fic where that was the case and you did it perfectly. Thank you. This is magnificent.”

“This is beautifully written. I wouldn't class it as smut per se but it is most definitely erotic and the pacing was perfect for a short story. I couldn't believe it was only 600+ words because you managed to get so much in there: Iris' regret, Barry's longing which turned into his conviction when they did get it right. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope to see more from you.”

“I couldn't get through a sentence without crying and trembling (you fuck me up). Wow! you took my breath away. It took me forever to finish reading because I had to stop and wipe my eyes several time. Excellent execution! Thank you”

“You did them justice with this short piece. A blow job has no business sounding this romantic, but it is, because you channeled the WestAllen into your words with your amazing talent. Thank you for sharing!”

“Beautiful story. Perfectly in character. I could definitely see them having "private" vows and "public" vows and that Barry would be the one to suggest it....he's such a romantic. Loved this so much and thanks for writing.”

“Ok for real, you are soo sooooo talented and I always look forward to reading your fanfics, those writers should reaaaaally hire you one of these days. Am supposed to be prepping for an exam but am literally glued to my phone right now reading and re-reading your fics, but what can I say.... TOTALLY WORTH IT:-P!!!”

“Inksmudge does westallen better than the tv show does westallen”

“AND PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE THAT THIS FIC MADE ME SOOOOO TURNED ON AND SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED THINKING ABT WESTALLEN GET ON AFTER SEEING CANDICE AND GRANT GORGEOUS HIATUS FACES ON THEIR RESPECTIVE INSTA TODAY KNOWING DAMN WELL ILL NEVER GET OT ON THE SHOW”

“Whenever I see you posted a story, it's like fanfic christmas or easter. You know, because you don't do it a lot so whenever you do post it's special. It's like when you open your ask on tumblr. I'm just like "Ohh Ink is Back, YAY!" No matter what the story is about. Cheers!”

“I don't know how you do it--how you manage to integrate love, lust, grief and sadness into one beautiful thing. This particular chapter feels like a combination of the ones that came before in terms of themes. Iris trying to maintain on her own, the struggle to have and give up control, her beef with the Speedforce, etc. But I would also like to point out just the DAMN GOOD WRITING. Your writing is so fluid and your vocabulary so rich that you kind of make it look easy, to be honest. But sentences like these are just real gems://She cries his name loudly, moans in euphoria like she needs the Speed Force, God, whoever took him to hear her as a vengeance, to know that she had him back and was never letting him go.//That line just won't let me go.”

28. worst review you ever got

I can't remember if it was my brief story about Barry and Cisco getting haircuts together or the little story I wrote about drunk Iris after Cecile’s baby shower, but someone on Fanfiction.net reviewed it as just “Stupid.” I deleted the comment 😂

39. do you want to be published someday? 

I would yes, but I think I would want to be published for poetry or a personal narrative essay as of now. I don’t have many ideas for original fiction at this time, but I would be thrilled to be published for that one day. A girl can dream 😔

#ladykendiceismoi #asks #fic talks #ask games

[violetsandloveletters]

Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? No because my music taste is SO varied.

What’s your favourite season of the year? I’m gonna go with Autumn.

Do you have pop-tarts in your house right now? No, we don’t have those things!

Is anyone’s birthday coming up? D’s on Saturday...

Does someone owe you over twenty dollars? I owe noone nothing.

Do you remember who you liked in grade eight? No haha.

When was the last time you burned any part of your body? My mouth today or yesterday on food, I don’ remember because all my days have blurred into one since being ill.

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? I don’t actually think so.

Are you dressing up for Halloween this year? I doubt it.

Have you ever called somebody dollface? Ew absolutely not.

If I gave you ten dollars, what would you spend it on? I’d say a Mcdonalds but I feel like shit so not that, i’d probably be boring & save it for something.

Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? No.

What are you most excited about right now? I have literally nothing to look forward too... Though I would say my brother gets his GCSE results next week so finding out those.

Does / did either of your parents serve in the military? Nah.

Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? Yeah for sure.

Do you like sour candy? Yeah I love! Especially Haribo Tangfastics.

Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Hawaii.

Do you have Verizon? No?.

What do you do to stay awake when you’re tired? If i’m tired, I sleep.

Are all nighters something you have grown used to? I couldn’t now if I tried haha.

Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? Don’t drive, but yeah when i’m a passenger.

Do you wear your shoes around the house? Hell no, wherever I am, my shoes come off!

Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? Summer!

What clothes are you most comfortable in? A comfy tee/giant hoodie & whatever knickers im wearing.

Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? My best mate Tash.

What has changed most about you in the past year? My home life & my health neither in a good way.

Are you good at painting nails? Yeah.

Smoothies or slushies? Oh I like both.

Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? Nah, I just switch off.

Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? Yeah definitely .

Elaborate on a way you have volunteered? I have no idea.

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Yeah, I have a huge one that’s in my hallway..

Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? Yeah I can walk in them perfectly fine, my mum has worn them every day for over 30 years so i’ve learnt from the best ha.

Any TV shows you sit down weekly to watch? Teen Mom OG & Teen Mum UK because i’ve watched OG for the last 10 years & I come from the UK sooo... Tbh it’s mainly Youtube uploads I wait for. Don’t know the last tv show I actually watched on normal telly tbh that wasn’t on Now Tv or Netflix.

Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partner? Yeah, some of my friends I guess?

Even if you don’t like politics, do you still have opinions on the issues? I do.

Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? I haven’t seen a movie at the cinema in years. I want to see Once Upon a Time in Hollywood so someone best come with me.

Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? Yea?

Do you ever actually make your bed? Never, only when i’ve just washed the sheets.

Do you make an effort to eat healthy? Kind of but only because i’ve wanted to loose some weight, I stay within a certain, quite low calorie limit atleast 6/7 days & some days just eat way less cos that’s just how it is.

How are things between the person you like / love / are with? Good, fine, same as ever, even if he is a pain in the ass.

Where did you sleep last night? In my bed.

The last time you kissed someone, what colour of shirt were they wearing? Monday & they weren’t wearing one lol.

What year do / did you graduate? School, 2008, college 2011 & OU not til like 2023.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of? Mate, the thought of alcohol/shots makes me wanna throw up, I have no idea, probably vodka though.

What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall?  I need to go to Lush for a new body scrub.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yeah.

If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Fuck, so hard because i’ve already had better & had my best mate take me with working passes to Fall Out Boy where we spent the concert in the sound bit in the middle of the floor (he’s a sound tech) & had them sing 2 feet away from me with no barriers while I sat with the tour manager & it was just the best experience ever. I have a video with Patrick smiling at me singing Immortals while I was trying not to cry & well yeah.

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? Money, because I can change what I regret whenever I want too.

Are you taller than your mom? Nah, i’m 5ft & she’s 5ft 2.

Have you ever been around someone who was high? Yeah, who hasn’t haha.

Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? Night time, it’s how I relax.

Think back to June. Were you in a relationship? Yeah.

What’s so special about what you’re wearing? Nothing, it’s just a big tee & knickers lol.

Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? :).

Could you handle living with a male roommate? I lived with Dan for like 5 years, so in a relationship yeah.

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? Sleeping.

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? It’s 5 past midnight.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yeah.

What do you miss the most about your past? Having more money, D being well & home.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? Idk.

Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yes lol.

Plan on getting drunk or high tonight? No.

In the past week, have you cried hysterically? Yeah, in pain & just because I cry a lot so multiple times.

Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? I hope so, or I won’t bother.

Are you on birth control? No, haven’t been in years.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No, don’t think so.

Last time you were really happy? This weekend I guess.

Do you tend to fall for players? No.

Have you ever asked a boy for advice? Yeah.

Are you wrapped in a blanket? Yes, so cold.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? 7 & a half hours then an hour & 38 min nap.

Have you spoken to your mother today? Father? No & no.

[trustmeyoudontknowmeok]

I need to move on from it. Its totally the norm for her to ghost me for some days but idk why i cant move on from it? There's so many awful things happening to me at once and the last thing i needed was this. To shut down my chance to connect, to reject my invitation at bonding is hurtful, to then go further and ignore me makes me feel like poop. I know its not me, im sure she's busy. But it always happens. We both give so much of our time to each other, then they get drained and i have to also pull back, i have too much free time im guessing. My life has been perfectly set up for socializing and i can! I see my friends regularly, meet new people and build relationships but the last part has been so hard to do! No one wants real connection anymore. Or has the capacity to connect with others in a decent fashion. I somehow always pick these people. Its going to fizzle!

But i say all that to say i need to sit my ass in the damn house! I need to stop going out anyway, stop spending all my money, stop. Making. Plans! Gotta sit inside and watch tv with my cat, cook at home.

But i also want make plans with her. Theres a fee i cant forget, boarding at the park, buzzmill food trucks and sushi! Then that's it, only reach out to see if she's busy, no more going to her house. I need to change it up for February so i stop getting ghosted and getting my feelings hurt and being a lonely simp! No more cuddling, no more hooking up for a while and no more account checking! I deleted Twitter. Never used it anyway, just on there for unhealthy reasons, same with tik tok, and soon i feel ill delete insta, i dont enjoy them, never even look at them. It allows people to be passively involved in my life and i hate that. If i disappear how many of those people would care or even have access to me to ask about me. How long before some of them notice and wonder about me? That's my point, social media has made everyone careless about who they interact with and Im tired of it so for now ill have snap and just text people, ill try to get back into reading and painting, being with myself and my cat. Whew! Its hard!! For sure!! But i know i can do it! More focus on work, on me, on AWS, on hobbies! On saving! On moving! I need to focus, i let myself get carried away and for what.

My car broke down and my friends still want to see me ❤️ my true peeps, not to hate on her but its just a reminder to not enable self serving people. What did she want from me? Sex? Fake friendship? We got the pills to try together now will that ever happen? How do I even bring it up, that would be awkward. But its okay. This week has made me realize i gotta calm it down, the universe has spoken loud and clear! I don't feel im being dramatic. I'll keep it simple from now on. I was catching the simp smh, not gonna lie. On my days off i have free time! But now ill chill. Focus back on myself and treat her like a new person. Be minimally interested and not hang out until my car is fixed and i have some money under control. I don't think she is unfriending me lol, i don't feel there has been any shift on her end. Just poor relationship boundaries in general. That's okay! Needing a break is fine, but i grow tired of it, you cant disappear for days at a time and say it was an accident lmao like im a whole person that you were talking to! Is it mental illness? Lmao im really in shock, so yea. I need a breaaaak cause ill turn mean and that isn't good or healthy for either of us.

Talking this out has made me feel better! Like, a lot. Now i need to sleep for kick boxing tomorrow haha

[nataliemd319]

Ever since I can remember, I have always thought about a boy, a man, someone to love me unconditionally. Someone who would sweep me off my feet and hold me when I’m scared. Make me smile when I’m sad. Love me when I’m feeling lonely. Everything seemed to revolve around love. Craving someone to just show off and show everyone that if they wanted love they would want this love. My kind of love. The love him and I would radiate where ever him and I went. You know the cinderella story we all want as little girls. Growing up, Ive managed to see all kinds of different loves. Ones that I didn’t know existed. Love from my parents, love from my friends, love from men and then my children. But no matter what phase I was going through, it was love —— Just Love that I wanted. No matter where I got it from.

Until I met him…… Music was playing and people where about. He takes his hand out to receive mine. I give it to him gracefully. His smile serves a purpose, his stare serves a purpose, his body movement serves a purpose. Everything he presented was meant to be in this world. 5’4 shaped like a titan! As we danced Spanish music into the night, all I can think about is, (Where has he been these 26 years of my life?) I was In eternal bliss with Pedro. Yes, his name was Pedro. Not that much hair on his head but it was perfect to me. Glasses that gave him sight where perfect to me. He asked me if I wanted a drink, and of course I said yes! In my mind I pictured him telling me (Will you marry me?) My yes was to that to. Secretly ofcourse. Shhh, its in my mind. I noticed on his hand, he had a small tattoo with the name of a Woman. Nicole it read. Right down his thumb straight to the hand. As if it was placed there because of his touch. Touches her, reaches for her, Nicole is her name. I felt a deep pain in my chest. (How dare he have this woman tattooed own his hand, I just told him Id marry him. Like what’s wrong with him.) The music brought me back to reality. “I would like a long island blue”, I told him. Thats a drink of hypnotic and Hennessy. Great drink let me tell you, if you want to be off your ass. I knew this every time I had it, But would never order anything else. As he ordered, I stared at the side structure of his face. Everything just sat so perfectly. The way his lips moved when he spoke, the way his nose flared up when he took air in. The gap in between his two big teeth.  The mole inserted in the corner of his nose. Beauty marks are what we call them right? Yes beauty mark it was. Because he was beautiful. He smelled of mans cologne that would drop your panties in itself with just one wiff. Dammit, Thinking about it now makes me cringe. I hate you cologne! But back to my reality, which felt like a dream… My desperate dream. He was surrounded by his friends as they where there at this adult club celebrating their adult friends birthday. I said adult, because at that moment I felt like a little girl. The little girl who’s been wanting to feel this way for the longest. I had it, right there, he was right next to me. (he asked me to marry him, How could I say no.) God hes beautiful……. Until we reached the end of the night. We walked outside the club with him on my arm. (Hunny we are going home) his friends pulled up near us and told him to get in the car. “No, its ok, I’m going home with her.” (Me!! Hes talking about me bitches!! Hes talking about me) I told them, its fine Ive got it under control. Ill get him home safe. I was such in a bliss that I completely forgot my best friend was out with me this night, with some random guy she picked up from the back of the club who was drooling all over her. Yuk!! But hey, my prince charming needs to get to a destination. (Natalie hurry up and get him into the car) As we approach my car, I can’t seem to find the keys. While I’m holding him on my right arm and my left arm is reaching into my purse, can’t find it !! I must have lost my keys somewhere. Darn! Random guy with my best friend asks to break the window out the back of my lovely pilot. I looked at Pedro, and said “yes” just do it. He shouldn’t be out here. Its late. He needs to be home. We start to drive to my place which is 30 minutes from the club. On the way there I notice he’s sleeping on the passenger seat, while these two are in the back seat drooling over each other and in heavenly sedation. Just my luck, my beautiful man is sleeping. Looking at him, I have to judge his standards though. Leaving with some fucking stranger. No bueno Pedro. I could have been some kind of crazy serial murderer. I tell you what If I was, I would have taken my time with this one… (Never mind that, in my fantasizing thoughts once again) I dropped these two lovers off at her house. And I started to drive to mine, Five more minutes and I can take him up and tell him hunny where home. But I then looked at the time, its 3:30 am. How would I feel if I woke up in some random guys house. I couldn’t do it to him. Almost like I wanted him safe. Even safe from me. His phone rang. His friends where calling him to make sure he got home safe. He was to drunk to answer, So I answered and asked for Pedros address. They gave me his address, punched it into my phone and started my journey to this 45 minute destination now. Im exhausted, im thinking. But again, I want him to wake up in his bed……. Finally I get to his place, and I help him up the stairs. Hes way to drunk to fend for himself. So I walk him up the stairs in to his room. He tumbles onto the bed, and all I can think about is, (I can’t believe I just drove all the way over here. This is complete bullshit.) Im tired and can’t believe I have to drive all the way back home now. Hes not beautiful anymore. Hes a drunk, who would let anyone take him home. Stupid me! Stupid him!! I took his shoes off so he can get to bed. As I started to walk away, He grabs my hand. I turn around and tell him your drunk go to bed. He pulls me towards him as he lays backwards onto the bed and his force throws me on top of him. I told him stop your drunk, get off …. But then he places my hand on his penis. And boy oh boy, to my surprise this prince just became a king. (Yes your heniest, what do you need?” He starts to kiss me on my neck and I cant resist but to submit my body to him. (Have me my king!) Every kiss, every touch, every stroke was ecstasy. Every feeling running through my body was a feeling I haven’t felt, I don’t think ever….  (I had a whole other life in my head with this man at this point! HE WAS MINE!! ALL MINE!) Morning approaches, and I realize I’m a whole other country away from my apartment, I have to get home as I have 2 boys to take care of and my goddess of a mother stood with them overnight so I can enjoy this night of Heaven, that she will know nothing about BTW! My goodness I just had a one night stand for the first time in my life. I felt disgusted, ashamed, happy and satisfied all in the same time. (Im a satisfied whore) I thought…. I grabbed my dress and left him with a kiss on the forehead. Again he was sound asleep. I felt proud to know I put him in this deep sleep. But then again he could just be overly hung over…. Nahhhh, I did that. As I walk to my car, I notice the windows out and I’m like, Was definitely worth it. Haha….. Driving home, I can’t stop biting my lip thinking of all the versions of last night, from the moment I met him, when I said I do… To the AMAZING SEX. I want that sex, All the time, Fuck I want it now. I drive to fix my window, its now 8 AM, and I recieve a text from him…..  

Pedro: ????????

(Automatically I’m thinking , he’s thinking, where did my wife go… She just piano left, hunny, I’m out grabbing groceries for breakfast king)

Pedros Wife: Yes?

(This man didn’t know if it was me he was with or someone else, Thats what the question marks ment! Either way, I explained everything that happened. And he told me he was sorry and he would like to take me out on a date, sober )

Pedros Wife: I would love to :)

If only we could truly see the future with our encounters. Just to know, this was the beginning of something unreal, heartbreaking, loving, exciting, sad…..must I continue…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

#love #heartache #firstencounter

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

i am doing a lot better mentally and i’ve received a ton of free food so im one happy gal, haha! i know i had a pretty rough start the first few days of this week but I am doing a lot better now. I’m feeling much more optimistic! 

Real quick before I dive into this... I made a comment on Angela’s interest in Dear Evan Hansen and made a “mock” argument of sorts with her and went unnecessarily into detail on a stupid topic and I thought it’d just be fun banter at first but from her tone in response, I think she actually took me seriously? So I just messaged her to clear the air bc I really do want to get better and avoid offending or hurting anyone bc that’s really not my intention.

I do want to care more about how others feel and think in an understanding sense but not so much in a im afraid what they’ll think of me sense. bc i dont want to fall down that path. i think the biggest thing i need to remember is my confidence and to rest assured that I am made perfectly in God’s image but to more importantly, come from a place of love when I am talking to other people. “Am I really caring about how they feel and think right now? How can I best serve them to do that?” Those kinds of thoughts. Which is different from “What do they think of me? Did I do something wrong? What can I do so they like me?” It isn’t an issue of how they view me but rather how I can best serve them. Which, I think the line will get pretty cloudy down the line but so long as I remember this, I think I’ll be fine.

I also worry for Jason bc like I mentioned before, I think he’s in a position where he feels the need to take care of everyone in a world where everyone is too afraid to approach anyone themselves. And I really don’t think Angela likes me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I pushed her too much or said something ill timed. My theory is that when she found out someone else goes to Columbia, she was hoping I would be her saving grace of sorts and we’d immediately click. But we didn’t. And I didn’t save her. Because we’re just very different people. She calls me out for things pretty often and I do appreciate her blunt nature but sometimes, it is a bit discouraging. If I knew she was calling me out from a place of love and caring, I think I would be fine. But it feels like she’s constantly judging me. And I worry that she vents to Jason about me and he feels the need to defend me because we’re friends. And I don’t want him to face that. No wonder he’s been feeling so burnt out recently. He can be immature at times but other times, he’s above us all. He’s been through a lot and been forced to grow because of it. His sense of humor is immature but mentally, he’s way wiser than us all. At least, us college kids. No wonder he would prefer to hangout with Catalyst over us. I thought I was pretty mature and could match his level but I think I was wrong. Especially after everything he told me and how poorly I initially responded to it. I must admit that I’m not as mature as I originally thought. Maybe I’m just surrounded by a bunch of people less mature than I am. A lot of the times, I think I’m only prideful bc of my low self esteem but that’s not true. I’m actually insanely prideful and it blinds me a lot. When I speak with clarity, I know that it’s true and I have full confidence in what I say. But lately, I have been speaking in the heat of the moment, clouded with emotions. And that’s...a pretty immature thing to do. I need to pray for more guidance and wisdom and clarity from God bc I can’t do this without Him. I do genuinely want to get better. I do genuinely want to exude passion and wisdom and love. I do think I used to be an incredibly compassionate person but I’ve fallen a long way since then. Just because I’m “wise” around my sister doesn’t mean I’m always super mature. I definitely have my own flaws and weaknesses and it would do me good to be more aware of those things. To not speak before I’ve gathered all the facts and to actually take into account how everyone else is feeling and where they are before speaking. 

I was salty before that P. Josh didn’t appoint me as outreach person instead of Christine but I’ve definitely rubbed some people the wrong way. In trying to reach out, I messed up our relationship without realizing it and that’s on me. I didn’t realize I had hurt Chaeweon. I thought we both just grew busy. We were both filled with so much excitement at first and then it just went so bad so fast. And that was totally my fault for not realizing I made her feel stupid and less than. That was never my intention but I do admit I felt good when I bragged about my own decision making skills. Instead of trying to be empathetic with her, I made myself look better and that was really wrong of me. And I do genuinely feel bad. I do want to apologize though I don’t know if it would actually help anything. She said it was fine but I think she was still hurt. And I don’t want to apologize for the sake of making myself feel better but I want to make sure my intentions are pure and true and apologize with her in mind.

Sigh.

Iiii apologized! We’ll see how she responds but I don’t really expect her to respond at all. I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Maybe it was just for myself or maybe it was God placing it on my heart to say something. Who knows. But I do know that I want to make the most of these opportunities when I feel like I should do something. Whether that’s to reach out to someone sitting alone or apologize or give food to the homeless or sing on the streets, I want to do it with full confidence and unashamedly! Because I’m walking with the Lord on my side. And if I shall die today, then I shall die today because that is His Will and I trust in what He says.

But yeah! I’m actually not sure when I last posted was but yesterday, I just had History of Communication Design and thankfully, I got the full credit! I was so scared bc I totally knocked out from exhaustion the night prior instead of working on my homework for Graphic Design III and Developing a Marketing Plan. Wow, my brain is all over the place. Backtrack.

SO! On WEDNESDAY, I had negotiation skills and graphic design III but my DMP homework was DUE at 12:30pm that day. Which is why I was stressing! So I quickly finished my American Girl Research and then worked on Facebook on the bus! I was going to work on it offline but then the extension didn’t work and then I was going to wait it out but my worries got the best of me and I just turned on my data and worked on it on my phone with my research opened in front of me on my laptop and quickly turned it in. I wish I didn’t worry so much about the formatting because Gina showed us an example of a really good one in class the next day and if I had only known that we had the freedom to break apart from the mold, I would have done that too! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. But oh well. Now I know! But in DMP, I remember we got into our groups and I got along with everyone really well! It is kind of hard bc in everyday conversation, I feel the need to constantly be checking myself and wondering if I’m saying “I” too much or being selfish or making the conversation about me instead of actually listening.

I can’t find my mouse but I guess I’ll find it later. Oh shoot! When I start typing, my cursor disappears from the screen! Interesting...anyways. I got along really well with my groupmates and I did falter under immediate pressure but picked myself back up relatively quickly! But we talked about Jane the Virgin, Titanic, BBC shows, The Walking Dead, and a bunch of other things and I’m really blessed to be in their group! At least that’s how I feel for now. We’ll see how I feel once we actually start working on the project...in fact, I’m going to try and finish my part of the research today so that I don’t forget about and can just get it over and done with now. Because I have so many responsibilities, I’m always afraid that I’m going to forget something. Speaking of which, I need to remember I have a meeting with Jenny tonight at 10pm! AHHH! MUST. REMEMBER! But yeah! I just closed Facebook bc the longer I stare at it, the more I’m going to expect a response and I don’t want to make any more mistakes so I just closed the tab so as to no longer think about it. 

I’ll write more about Wednesday and Friday in a bit but first, I want to type this out.

When Jason revealed to me the areas in which I lack, I got to thinking some more and wondered what areas I have lacked in the past and how I could have done better. Yearbook has been the bane of my existence and that is something that I can never really escape. But for a while, I just blamed them for everything. For treating me poorly. For not making an effort to get along with me. But honestly, I never made an effort to get along with them either. I just let them do them and let me do me. But I’ve always wondered. There are definitely some people who I just know are always talking smack about me and I always wondered if the van ligten’s thought i was doing that to them. I remember when Jasmine called me and I missed it but called back in worry, hoping she was okay. And by her tone and what she said, I think they thought I thought I was cooler than them. But I never did. I had a lot of anxiety and depression and I was really struggling at home. But I never let them in. I never let them know or made an effort to be friends with them. And that was partly my fault. I did micromanage a lot and was very controlling. And I was insanely prideful for having expected the position of EIC so early on. I was absolutely heartbroken when that happened and I felt like my whole life was a sham. But without it, I never would’ve come back to God. He really did break me. So fully. And I definitely broke. But whatever I would’ve felt as EIC does not compare to the newfound love I have with God in my life. I want to constantly strive to do better. I want to be more than what I am here on this Earth. And I know that with Him on my side, anything is possible.

But back to Wednesday! It started raining! And I took up another shift at work! I was kind of freaking out bc I wasn’t sure if I just made a grave error in choosing to work 4 days a week again with all these extra responsibilities and priorities. But I think I’ll be okay! At least I hope so! But I went to Waffle Wednesday and briefly spoke with Claire, Jamal, and this other girl whose name I cannot remember...and it was great! Graphic Design III went pretty smoothly and I feel like Dan was weirdly nice to me this past week during that class and the week prior? Maybe he’s just trying to be a nicer person but it’s borderline flirting. But he also definitely has a girlfriend so I’ve been kinda confused... Regardless, I’m going to continue observing and see if he really is being extra nice or if I’m just tripping. I also told Evelyn about it in class today and she said that she noticed him talking to her more recently when he never usually did so maybe he just had a change of heart? Who knows. I don’t think I want him to ask me out. If he did, I think I would just be stunned and need to get back to him. I think a part of me hopes that he does want to so that I know I’m a desirable person and I would be tempted to say yes but ultimately say no bc I do know I have so much of my own baggage to sort through still and I think I would constantly be trying so hard to please him and be the version of me that he likes instead of just being able to relax with my partner in crime. So...that’s that. But after class. it was pouring rain! And I had no umbrella! So I put my stussy jacket over my backpack and just went for it in the rain bc I needed to go grocery shoppping! And honestly, my groceries were not nearly as expensive as I was afraid they’d be so I really hope tomorrow night goes well for the potluck! ^_^ This is my first real opportunity to host so I want to do well! :D

And then today... it was pretty straightforward and simple. I waited a bit for the bus this morning and was afraid I’d miss pancakes but I didn’t! And it was so much better than I could’ve ever imagined! There was bacon, sausage, and two types of pancakes! And all my favorite people were there! So many people from my work or people I’ve had past classes with or different faculty members I got along with really well. I was really happy! I laughed in joy with a girl I vaguely remember and everytime someone left from our table, another person would join. And I’m really so glad and blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and feel so at home. Once again, I feel much more at home with the people at school than I ever have with the people at church.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Then I worked on some homework, went to History of Communication Design with Hannah, got along with a couple new people, yelled at Richard from across the room, got my questions answered, and overall, had a good time. Then I went to my e-board meeting, we had fun, fooled around, danced, and got a lot done. Then Tina and I spent some good time together just chatting it up in the weird 618/624 building hybrid room and I’m glad. I went to the 9th floor, thinking I could get my textbook hw done but unfortunately, IT WAS CLOSED. So I just went home instead. Oh! Joyce also gave Tina and I both food to take home and it was bomb.com! Anyway, my week started pretty shitty but it got progressively better and I feel both honored and blessed.

Thank you God!

#reflection