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#and you can try to be better

Hmm. It’s now 5:30am. I’m now actually ruining my sleep instead of just lying here trying. I should put my phone down and stop reading but everything feels wrong. I need to be awake earlier than usual tomorrow. Feels like self destruction can I get a hell yeah

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On the stoop, she’s still wearing her prom dress. It’s after eight and it’s dark. Through the window in the living room, she can see her brother crouched over his homework, doing his best not to watch her get soaked in the rain. Her mother, she knows, is just inside in the hallway. But Jake told her he’d be there to take her. Not that she could go like this now, not with her mascara running. She can’t see any headlights on the road even standing up on her tiptoes in the driveway. Jake called and swore that he’d be there. She really wanted to go.

#January 17 2021#I am finally getting around to setting up my office properly.#Hooking things up to my laptop is way too needlessly complicated and also money that I had not been planning on having to spend.#At least my printer is *finally* set up even if it still refuses to connect to my wifi.#Hopefully I get my stupid probably made in China because fucking everything is made in China and there's no way to avoid it adapters soon.#So I can use my monitors.#I also caved and bought a coffee grinder.#I need to figure out how to make coffee the normal people who don't just use instant all the time way.#Something something about trying to be more sustainable and trying to switch to something better than Folgers.#Seriously though.#How do people make coffee?#This is an actual question I want actual answers for.#I am the opposite of a coffee snob and have just bought instant my whole life.#And everywhere I've worked has had those awful single use pod machine things.#Or like those giant carafes.#Or in one case a fancy espresso machine that you just pressed a button on and it ground its own beans?#Anyway my point is people seem to have a lot of opinions on this coffee thing.#I just need to know the quickest way using the least amount of equipment to turn ground coffee into something drinkable.#I don't even particularly like coffee that much and drown it in dairy or dairy substitutes anyway.#So I only really care about not drinking grounds I guess?#Anyway.#This is garbage and I don't feel like writing.#Complete crap.
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I meant to answer this last night, and uhh…had such a chill night that I was asleep by like 10. But! My journey as a writer over the years. Honestly, I don’t know. I started writing in earnest for fandom when I was about 19, when Glee happened to us all, and I don’t….know that I prioritized things any differently, so much as wasn’t as good at doing what I do now? Like I was a lot less experienced, both in life and in writing itself, and I think that had a huge impact on how well I could craft character voice and dynamics. I’ve just sort of slowly been creeping my way toward doing it the way I want to–and I’m certainly not there yet; might never be, being something of an artistic perfectionist–over the past 12-ish years. I think my reason for writing has even changed; when it was Glee, or Pitch Perfect, or even Orphan Black, I think I wanted to fix things that didn’t feel right, or feel enough, in canon. With Bly? I’m mostly writing because these characters feel really real to me, and I want to steal more time with them. I want to keep them alive for myself–and anyone reading–a little longer. I think that’s the newest facet of my writing, honestly; it’s the first time I’ve ever processed playing in a sandbox as “I miss them, and I want them to have more time.”

In terms of writing smut: I think I used to come at it with a lot less grace. I recently thought, “Huh, this Control series is the most recklessly sexual thing I’ve ever written”, and then happened to scroll back through some Glee and Orphan Black pieces and went, “Oh. Oh dear. That’s not true at all.” With how I write it now, I tend to care a lot more about what’s happening with the emotional state of the characters and what the sex says about them/their dynamic, and a lot less about writing up a play-by-play for the sake of eroticism. I also try to keep clear of some kinds of phrasing, at least with this particular set of characters; you’ll notice I don’t use a ton of euphemisms for body parts, or whatever, largely because the more real the characters feel, the weirder I feel describing their bodies in unnecessary detail. I’d hope the scenes are still getting across a level of passion and interest and all, because that’s…what they’re there to do, but I would also hope it doesn’t feel like “the author just wanted to see them bang in new and interesting ways”. It’s just not really what I’m trying to do. The hot factor is, in writing, secondary to the introspection and emotional resonance, which sounds…truly pretentious as fuck, but no less true. Character always comes first, no matter what kind of story I’m writing, and I try really hard to make that clear. 

Which is also a part of where the balance comes in–there are just some requests that are made that don’t seem to suit the characters as I’ve translated them in my head. For instance, I don’t know that I’ll ever write a hardcore jealousy sex scene, because it doesn’t fit the way these two women relate to each other in canon. I wouldn’t say I feel pressured, because…if I take something on, it’s because I want to explore it. No one is making me write the way I’m writing. But there have definitely been prompts–both smutty and perfectly innocuous–that I’ll probably never fill, because the version of Dani and Jamie living in my head (and, after 40-something stories, they are very much a translated version built by repetition of both watching and writing–I try to get the voices as right as possible to canon, but in the end, this is a “copy of a copy” kind of thing) don’t suit said prompts. I feel that way about people asking for bondage and jealousy, and I feel it about people asking me to write them as parents or with pets. It’s interesting combing through and seeing “okay, I see why you asked for that–the way I see them, it doesn’t fit.”

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i love when fans block me for their hatred & pure vendetta towards alysa and me calling them out & defending her from those asshats, they’re all cowards, and i mean each and every one of them!

and, they know i’m right, and they’re wrong. plus, their excuses as so awful, and not able to be backed up with anything, and it makes me laugh, yet feel sorry for them, they try to find just any little thing that they can to hate on this kid, they are all sick in the head. they can leave, no one needs, wants or claims them, and their sorry excuse of a persons’ ass(es)… alysa does not need them, and kamila and any other skater wouldn’t aprove of this behavior, they would be disgusted and not want you as fans, just saying, and it’s kinda like how nathan & yuzu are when people attack the other, they always defend on another or try to divert the situation to stop the hater or their negativity, and i love to see it, and as i said in one of the responses!

ps, you all should read my tags because i ranted more there! i feel much better now, and i hope you all do too, bless you all, you deserve it bbys!

alysa gain so many fans from this, so this was a win for us and a loss for them, alysa mf liu world domination will come, i know it will, and they’ll be sorry, and eat their words one day, and i’ll be like, “remember when you said that shit bs, you fake fan?” i will never forget! they are clowns!!!!!

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I know I made a post like this the other day but it would appear Dr. Loomis stans also have a really hard time living with the fact that I personally disagree with them and hate the man.

#this is by far the most /funny/ kind of that message to get when logging on so that’s actually nice in a way#actually what’s /really/ funny is the trying to compare relating the effect Carpenter had extremely documentedly on mental illness & horror#& my personal desire to ignore many of his ableist and bad calls specifically in the name of how fucked that is as cancel culture#lol#Michael myers#personal#halloween#lol like people can and will feel how they feel and that’s theirs. one of my buddies hates Michael for personal reasons that I totally#understand and get & have no problem with (not that it’d be my business to look over their shoulder anyway if not)#but I love when people be like ‘Michael was a monster at age 6 unsavale evil vicious’#like /that’s a whole human child/. /Please/ go read anything on cognitive development if you don’t understand it that bad#but u can get off Mr. Carpenter’s boot he did a bad exploitative thing and u can love the movies and even him if you want while still#acknowledging the really harmful thing he did nuance is not as hard as people make it out to be if u want u can do that#but mostly this is just nice because it’s like ‘you merely saved me any regret just blocking you on sight had you behaved in a more#gentleman like manner’ & it /is/ p funny#I /am/ vagueing but they’re blocked so they won’t see it to get sad about unless they work around to see anyway and if you intentionally#ignore me blocking you to see what I said u deserve whatever upset you get seeing this#wild people think they get to decide how I personally am gonna feel abt horror characters#and that it’s a personal slight on them if my POV doesn’t line up#sometimes I feel bad about how opinionated /I/ am just internally but then I get messages like this & feel so much better#thank u for that
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Oh no, but Mor is an absolutely EVIL person who “lied” about her abuse and “let” the IC “abuse” and “assault” Eris! /j

Whatever. Rice, eris and cassian are all cut from the same fucking cloth. They’re all men who’ve harassed or abused women. Being vehemently anti rice is worth fuck all if you’re just going to go ahead and find another awful male character to stan.

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Those “its okay and normal to not have had any romantic/sexual experiences before, even in your 20s/30s/forever” used to be really comforting to me. But now they kinda bum me out MORE for some reason??? Like YEAH it’s okay and it’s fine and I know that’s not the only important thing but I Crave Intimacy and Attention, and the idea that “its okay/you’re not some kinda freak for not having had any experiences” is like Okay but I’m lonely as fuck and still pretty sure I’m unlovable

#i need to shut the fuck up#like idk what messes me up more? that i was always single/never kissed anyone/never had anyone have a crush on me#or that the only people who were willing to interact with me in a romantic/sexual manner were uhh adults when i was very much not#probably both#my peers couldnt stand me and the only people ever interested in me before are terrible fucking people#and still manage to make me feel worthless#negative#delete later#im just... not having a good time and for some reason focusing on how socially fucked i am is how im wallowing#like yeah i would like to be loved and id like to give affection i think thatd be nice#but then i never have and never look for anything because im... not pleasant to be around and i have to many issues to be with anyone#so Okay i can work on myself and be whatever for myself and all that but then days like this come along and just !!!#whats the point??? why do i even bother trying to get better when im not even sure ill ever be worth something to someone else?#and i mean i love my friends#if any of you are reading this i ❤❤❤ i think this sort of thing works because online distance and all that#but even then im still always sorry for complaining too much or ranting or not being able to hold a conversation....#and i REALLY lost where i was going with all this#....should probably bring this up to my therapist but like#i told her when i was 17 and angsty i did not want anything to do with anyone and somehow i cant go back and say anything different?????#also i havent even seen one of those posts recently?? i just.... think about that kind of thing some times?#also like how could i even bring that up therapist asks how my day is going#and i just tell her ive decided. in the middle of a pandemic#that i dont actually want to be single forever?#......also this is like my 3am type of ramblings its NOT that late what is my problem today
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 A girl with short black hair and black eyes whimpered as she tripped over, landing on the concrete below her. Under her pastel pink dress, she was riddled in bandages that peaked out her clothes. She looked bruised, even to the point that one of her eyes was surrounded by bandaging as well. A single black tear fell down her cheek, but she immediately wiped it away. “This sucks.” She’d say. “Everything sucks.” However, she stood up and attempted to dust off her dress and knees with her hands.

He had just been carrying on, a backpack with a single broken strap was tugged over his right shoulder. It was heavy with a number of supplies but the zipper was still in place, keeping anything from falling out. The rest of his wears were in no better condition. However, his skin was spotless of any visible flaw or scar. Porcelain pale with snowy white locks that framed his face and swayed gently in the chilly breeze. Dusk was rapidly approaching with the sun just dipping over the horizon when he heard the soft scuff of feet, followed by palms smacking into concrete. His gaze swept over just in time to catch the brilliant pastel colors of a dress and female gathering herself again.


“Ah—” He announced himself without any immediate introduction. “—I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there, are you alright?” If he had paid closer mind to those present, rather than what might be lurking in the shadows or the simplicities of life, he might have been able to catch her fall. As she regained her composure, he glanced around to see if she had dropped anything in particular. His nose picked up on a strange scent but he couldn’t fully depict what it was. All he knew was that it derived from her hands—“Did you need any help? I can walk you to where you’re heading?” He offered, unsure if she might need to sit to catch her breath, regain consciousness, or perhaps she needed something to eat… he didn’t think she merely tripped.

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said: ✔

My muse(s): Alastor or Vox!

Do I know your muse(s):  yes | no | a little | tell me about your muse

Setting: our verse | my verse | your verse | modern | alternate universe | other (default to canon but im absolutely open to discussing specific aus!!)

Pre-established relationships? yes | no | depends on the relationship

Possible relationships: friends | classmate | co-worker | roommate | family, real or adopted | dating or blind date | married | friends with benefits | unrequited love | lending a hand | teacher - student | rivals | allies | partner-in-crime | enemies | protecter - guarded | business partners | spy - infiltrated | manipulator - manipulated | star-crossed | first meeting | other 

I’m in the mood for: fluff | angst | horror | romance | humor | crime | hurt / comfort | action | supernatural | slice of life | crack | dark threads | light threads | any genre | multi-para | shorter para | one-line | any length | plotted threads | unplotted threads | other

Feel free to: message me ooc | message me ic | tell me your ideas | write a starter | answer one of my opens | send a meme | reblog this with your preferences–let’s find common interests!

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