#and you continue to portray yourself as one because of either a failure or inability to identify your own flaws and work on them

[simply-mk]

IF ONLY 20’S HAD A MANUAL.

 

 

Authors note.

As a young undergraduate, I’ve often felt neglected and sometimes felt that my opinions didn’t matter. This age puts us in a difficult situation where our parents see us as rebellious and the world considers us a mixture of nagging, selfish, unapologetic generation and the other, responsible, self-composed and the great leaders of tomorrow.

While our voice seems to be foreshadowed by what the media has portrayed of us out there , we are left confused of what to do and how to act since they already have a perception of what we are. Therefore I believe communicating about it would bring change to our world because there is no formula or rather a book that guides you of what to do in your 20’s. This is mostly considered as the freedom age.

As someone in this age, I would like to share my thoughts with you in order to understand each other better. I hope to help others who like me have been left confused of what to do or expect in this age.

Is this the age to be rebellious? Is this the right age to engage myself in a committed relationship? Is it the right age to get married or have kids? Should others opinion of me matter? , Well I hope to answer some of the questions from shared experiences in my writing. I hope you have a changed mindset at the end of your reading, one that truly reflects you and your ambitions.

 

 

 

FAMILY

That’s the thing that gets you moving during your lowest moments. These are the most important people in your life and their evaluation can either motivate you or lower your self-esteem to achieving anything in your life. Watching Modern family made me realize that the thing I was missing to motivate me and remind me of who I am, was, and who I wanted to be had been here all along- My family. This was and is always going to be my biggest flex.

Moving out to the city to achieve big dreams was always my first priority immediately after high school, not because I wanted to escape from the day to day headache of living with my siblings, but because I wanted to make it in life so that I could finally make my family proud. Everyone always wants to be a hero in their family.

 

 

REALITY

However, the minute you step out of that cocoon called home, insecurities start following up with you. You no longer see your family as your friends but rather your biggest enemies in a sense that you try to fit in with others but you feel like your family values or traditions hold you back. So to avoid being the weird one or the outsider you push them further and further away. The night calls stop, the long talks of how you find your new environment completely disappear or thin out. And to make it worse you’re always too busy to talk to them unless you need pocket money or rent.

This is what creates a wall between us achieving our goals in life and making it into the adult world depression free and with all the best accolades. We start fighting to fit in so much and try to avoid getting any advice from our family especially our parents because we feel they’re so old fashioned. The excitement that comes with breaking the rules kicks in and you find yourself drinking with the guys, partying every weekend or trying out drugs something you never thought of doing all in the name of fitting in. After some time we lose our balance, our grades fall behind, we can’t seem to balance everything in life. You live alone but the pressure to fit in becomes too much and you find yourself spending unnecessarily. You’re broke even before the middle of the month, and depression kicks in because you see yourself as a failure and feel like the world is constantly throwing obstacles at you. In the end you are left confused whether you chose the right path or is just living to survive.

The truth, however remains, that our obstacles are 90 percent mental and ten percent less likely to be caused by any physical inabilities. To prove this I sat down and looked at all the people that were with me that achieved their best despite having been through tragic experiences. A friend of mine who got a brain tumor in the third year of University, had to stay out for a whole academic year recuperating but after that they still went on and continued creating their favorite content, Graphic designs. One of my closest friend whom people considered illiterate and too chatty made it in her family to be the first to board an airplane, through connections because she followed her dreams and attended various vocational training to help her understand a way forward for her future, despite not being able to finish high school or college.

This age has proven to be the most stressful yet advantageous age to have. I imagine it as Time. From the moment dawn begins we see the day as beautiful young and motivating enough to achieve everything. But time doesn’t wait for anyone, so as time goes by some of us manage to create opportunities for ourselves and escape from the cages of our mentality to be the best we can. Others just keep staring at that clock or watch until it’s too late and they keep postponing whatever they want to do until tomorrow.

 

We never want to reach a point in life where by we are clouded with the thoughts … What if we become failures in our family. What if life challenges us in a way that is too much to handle.  Just ask yourself whether you want to be the person who begs or takes leftovers from others to feed your family because you were too afraid to go for what you wanted during your prime years.

 

I’ve never felt so satisfied in my life like the day I finally was able to share my thoughts with everyone. I am a writer and what scared me most was that no one was ever going to relate to the content I share because everyone has different experiences. However while concentrating on this thought for a while I just let myself absorbed ego go, and observe what each and every one that I had encountered was going through,  and what I realized is that we are all the same in one way or the other and we can only manage to achieve our goals collectively. 

 

My advice

1.     Never go on an empty stomach if you know a friend or someone who can help. It’s better to be seen as weak right now but an achiever of great things tomorrow. You can never achieve greatness on an empty stomach.

2.     Do not consider yourself too perfect to learn from anyone. Having friends around will help you learn the best and avoid mistakes through shared experiences.

3.     Growth begins from within. You can never grow if your mind is always filled with negative thoughts of what could go wrong. Think about what you could achieve by taking that step and what you could improve from your past mistakes.

4.     Never try hard to fit in where you feel uncomfortable. This only takes away your energy to do something better, or be your best self elsewhere.

5.     No Act is bigger than death. So, failure should not hold you back from achieving your potential. If you are still breathing, use whatever time you have to do great things and achieve your purpose in life.

6.     Whenever you feel like someone or something in life suffocates you and is holding you back from being your true self. Let go of that relationship. You only get the best when you do away with the bad things in your life.

Therefore always remember, your family is there to embrace you, not torment you. Immediately we’ve chosen to pursue a higher course,  our family sees us as the end product and not just some raw material. They are the people to remind you who you are when you fall. They should be your motivation and not something to be ashamed of. So whenever you feel like giving up or losing your focus just look at your family, they already see you as a hero for making them proud and reaching to that point where you are now. So don’t look back, just see yourself as an engineer even if you only connect the cables from the decoder to your TV. The Teacher of your future generation despite the fact that you only tutor your siblings. Be you, and achieve the best you can.

#familia #lifeprotips #motivation #positivity

[undignifiend]

Theme Ramblings - On Evil, Honesty, Violence, and Better Ways to Rule Number Two (Local Windbag Spends All Night Pontificating Again)

I really like Trollhunters and Tales of Arcadia. I feel like it addresses important themes that I also want to address in my own writing, and I feel like that is part of what makes it an awesome world and story to explore, through the original stories, and through fanfiction. I find exploring ideas within an already established world is very helpful and therapeutic. So here are my current thoughts on some of those themes, which have also been informed by various other stories. Narrative is one of the ways through which we process the world. And one of my goals is to learn how to do that with clarity, practicality, and compassion. So here’s a bit of what I think I’ve learned so far.

Warnings: Talking about violence, with pain and trauma. Stay safe. Also, spoilers for Tales of Arcadia - Wizards, and for the film You Were Never Really Here.

+++++

‘Evil’ is not a word that holds a lot of weight with me, at least not the way I feel it’s commonly used, especially in stories. Some bully without any redeeming qualities beating someone up for a power trip is a common motif, but I don’t find it a compelling or useful model of how or why some people act shitty, or how to possibly fix it nonviolently. As something of a determinist, I don’t believe our decisions just pop out of a vacuum - rather, that they are informed by our experiences, which we react to in healthy or unhealthy ways depending on what we think we understand and what we want to protect.

Or at least I think that’s a nice idea, but I don’t know how practical it actually is. For instance, maybe there are actual people who are just idiots, cowards, or cruel and nothing more, and interacting with them in a good-faith manner is an entirely hopeless waste of our limited time - especially when those mofos are actively threatening people. “They’re complex people, too!” seems kind of irrelevant when they’re calling for killing those who disagree with them, for example.

Maybe I’m having trouble with this idea because I haven’t actually recognized such mind-numbing simplistic malice in anyone directly involved in my life. I’m starting to think I might be spoiled that way.

I also want to emphasize that I’m not even remotely claiming “Everyone is right in their own ways”. Some mofos out there are objectively incorrect. I’m currently convinced that we all think we’re right, but not that we all are. Or that even when we realize we’re wronging someone, we tend to spin narratives that twist the situation to make ourselves look better, or even like we’re “The Real Victims! D:” to justify and excuse something we may otherwise deem tragic.

What horrifies me (what I’ve witnessed) is when harm is done by people who think they’re doing the right thing, or that they’re justified, or that it’s normal. People who otherwise have potential to do good, making a selfish call out of fear, anger, apathy, a misplaced sense of righteousness, or even just a desperate and ill-advised attempt to feel seen or important. The ‘evil’ that scares me most is a loss of perspective that leads to (and justifies or excuses) tragedy. That loss of perspective, I also think, is a key part of what makes propaganda possible. Calling someone ‘evil’ is often intended to deface them and simplify them into a problem or obstacle to be rid of - no longer a complex individual, but a symbol of all that is wrong with the world - a bully or ‘monster’ without redeeming qualities. (Often represented as something “subhuman” that we supposedly don’t have to feel bad about killing.) An external threat to vanquish in favor of facing whatever horrible truth we’re running from, or what conditions led to people acting in these harmful, tragic ways. (And if we can understand those conditions, perhaps we can guard against them and hopefully even save some lives and change them for the better?) I think calling someone ‘evil’ is not only impractical (and useless when it comes to diagnosing why someone is behaving a certain way, or how to effectively either help them grow up or maybe at least help prevent them from causing more harm), I think it opens the door for otherwise good people to do horrific things, all the while avoiding the root of the problem, and calling themselves justified and heroic.

That’s part of why I’m so excited about Wizards. (Finally got to ToA!) I appreciated Arthur as an example of what’s familiar to me, and the kinds of thinking I want us to learn to recognize and avoid. His grief was relatable - we’ve all lost someone, and we all have people we want to protect. But it’s monumentally important that we don’t commit Arthur’s tragedy, and take our pain out on others. And it’s also important that we don’t dismiss the pain that others are struggling to cope with, as Arthur dismissed Morgana’s and the trolls’ when he called them evil. And part of why I genuinely like Arthur as a character (not just an antagonist) was that he came around and admitted that he was wrong, and wanted to repair the damage he did.

At least until his Green Knight chapter, the motivations of which I’m still unsure of. I’m not the sharpest crayon in the shed, but it seemed like a non sequitur to me... after a certain point. If you have some insight into what’s going on with him, I’m all ears. I’m a little worried I might just be projecting my issues again.

So far, here’s what I think I can glean: I relate to the lines “How can I be at peace when the world is still broken?” and “He awoke to a legacy of a violent and awful world.” I don’t want to get into the specifics of my own experiences, but I understand the horror of “waking up” to a horrifying reality, and the motivation to try to change it somehow. The all-consuming restlessness of it, and the inability to escape or reconcile it, and the constant, never-ending tension that slowly rips you apart and isolates you from everyone and poisons your faith in humanity because you’ve looked into the abyss so long you now recognize that it’s where you’ve lived all along. Because no matter what kind of new equilibrium you scramble for, the truth remains that terrible, unnecessary harm is being done, and will continue to be done (and justified and excused and even laughed at) by otherwise good people until we all die out - and that will be our legacy even as we continue to squawk empty platitudes about how intelligent and compassionate and special we are, and nothing makes any of that okay.

In my worst, most melodramatic moments, I even understand the ‘Let it all burn, if it can’t be saved’ mentality. But I don’t have a lot of patience for defeatism, so it’s not a mentality I can take seriously for long at all, and that’s where my understanding (if I may be so pretentious?) of the Green Knight stops. Because I know there are many others who have seen what I’ve seen and feel the same way I do, and believe that a better way is possible, however distant, and who have done loads more than I have to change it. And (perhaps more importantly) I know that even those who perpetuate some of the same harms I want to stop, and even crack jokes about it, are still good people who mean well, and have their own pains to cope with.

What I want is for us (and our heroes) to recognize when we are being dishonest or unfair, and to call ourselves out, even when it’s inconvenient (or when it feels impossible, like when we’re scared, angry, or hurt). I love and admire people who can face their feelings and uncertainties honestly, and I want to be like them, because I believe that’s the most important, constructive kind of courage there is, it’s part of growing into a stronger, kinder person, and this stupid world needs a lot more of that in it.

And I think the whole topic of Evil is connected to our fascination with violence, and those who are skilled at it. (Though I’m not here to say ‘Violence Bad’. I know it’s not that simple.) In some situations, no other method has a chance of saving you or those you want to protect, and if you find yourself in such a situation, it pays to be good at violence, and to have friends who are, too. The stakes are high, so it makes for great drama, and is prevalent in stories all over the world. This also makes it a rather dramatic delivery system for Justice - or the Retributive version, anyway. Retribution is visceral, and easily understood, and speaks to our instincts of promoting and preserving status (teaching others not to screw us over or They’ll Pay), and discouraging harmful behaviors by harming the perpetrators...

I consider myself a rehabilitationist. But I understand the draw of retribution. I really do. The vast majority of my intrusive thoughts revolve around it, in particularly violent manners. It’s not fun, and it doesn’t feel powerful, and it feels weird to me to see stories that portray it as powerful, rather than as a failure or a loss. I understand the emotional desire to punish someone who has hurt an innocent. But I also understand it to a degree that transcends its original feelings of righteousness, takes itself to eyebrow-raising extremes, and makes me sick. Retribution has been glorified all throughout our history, and it scratches a primal itch, and yes, sometimes it may be the only available answer in order to prevent further harm. (Rehabilitation requires far more resources than Retribution, often making it impractical or overly risky in contexts of scarcity. I think that’s a huge factor in why ideals like Law, Justice, and Decency break down in a lot of Post-Apocalyptic story environments. It’s not just that our sense of Order has collapsed, it’s that we no longer have the infrastructure to support the ideals that Order was established to protect - though I would Not say that our current “justice” system in the US is rehabilitative or even ethical, but that’s a whole other rant.) But beyond that, I don’t believe Retribution is practical or productive. I believe it’s tragically ironic, loses sight of context and systemic issues, lends false-credence to the idea that people are the way they are due to innate, immutable qualities rather than taking their environment and experiences into account, and as a result, opens the door for good people to, again, do and justify horrific things.

It’s a hard, brutal film to watch, but I recommend You Were Never Really Here. The violence in this film feels far more real than the violence I’ve seen in any other because they don’t dress it up, or make it flashy. It’s more like something you’d see in a hidden-camera documentary. And their honest treatment of it was a visceral reminder of what violence actually is.

It puts a gut-wrenching twist on the ‘revenge fantasy’ and what it actually means to watch someone suffer and die. Even someone who had it coming. There’s a painful empathy to this film in its treatment of the characters and all the rituals (harmful or not) they use to cope with the violence they in turn have suffered. And the climax of the film centers on the awful realization that, despite his efforts, the protagonist was unable to protect someone from violence, or having to inflict violence of her own - like him, she’s marked by it now, too. She absolutely did it in self-defense, but the fact that she had to do it is still tragic. She has to live and cope with it now, as he does. And in the final scene, there’s this hellish sense of separation between them as they are, and the comparatively bright, happy lives they might have lived if they had not had to go through such horrific experiences. It’s unstated, but there’s this intense feeling that they’re haunted. Like they can be near that bright, happy life, but never cross the veil to reach it, themselves. The film ends with the girl deciding to try and find some happiness anyway. (“It’s a beautiful day.”) It’s not a happy ending, but it’s a hopeful one. It’s not a Good Triumphs Over Evil story. It’s a painful confrontation with an awful reality, and the struggle to find a way to carry on somehow.

And that resonates. Because we all know to some degree or other what it’s like to confront something awful, something we can’t just deny or forget or reconcile, and to try to find some way to cope with it. That tension can be so painful that it’s understandable (but still not excusable) why people sometimes try to pin it all on a scapegoat - so they can take something insurmountable, and turn it into something they can fight and triumph over. It’s a form of processing our grief, but it’s unfair, dishonest, and harmful, and inflicts more grief on others.

Anyway, in this fanfic I’ve been puttering around on (and trying to explore these themes through), Jim tries to solve things non-violently (as he often tried to do in the show, which I really like). Someday/night, he might not have the option, or can’t see any other way out. He knows that he (or someone else) is being seen as an outlet for someone’s frustrations - they’re using him as a symbol to project their own problems and issues on - something external they can beat up and triumph over in place of something intangible.

If he’s going to fight this outlook, I think he has to understand it - on more than a theoretical level. He has to go there himself. Maybe he punches Steve after all. (Maybe in the 2nd draft - or maybe later in the current iteration.) And he hates it. He’s changed forever, but not the way he expected to be. He feels capable, and righteous, and he doesn’t regret standing up for Eli or himself, but he doesn’t feel good. Because even if it’s easier to just dismiss Steve as a bully, and even if it occurs to Jim to do that - and even if he can feel it viscerally for a moment, Jim isn’t going to lie to himself. He can still see what Steve is, past his own anger. Steve is lashing out because he feels wronged and powerless, and he’s acting like his dad because that’s who made him feel that way, and that’s who showed him how to deal with those same feelings. Steve is a kid trying to process what he’s been through. It’s easy to forget that when Steve is trying to beat Jim down - when Draal has been trying to beat him down, too - and he’s had enough of all these angry people twisting their ideas of him in their heads and taking their anger out on him. He fought back because he couldn’t see any other option for handling it, and Steve was not willing to give him one. But from this, Jim knows how it feels to be demonized (seen as a manifestation of someone’s problems, some enemy to vanquish). And it becomes monumentally important to him never to succumb to that way of thinking, himself.

He’s not a crusader. If he has to fight and hurt or kill someone, it’s not because he thinks they’re a manifestation of evil. It’s because he does not see any recourse in stopping them from hurting or killing others. To him, violence is a tragedy meant to prevent another tragedy. And whether that justifies it or not is a question he will have to carry.

A lot of the combat we see in media, I would classify as “action”, and not violence. The vast majority of the time, it’s a choreographed dance that’s fun to watch, full of cool stunts that look like they’d be fun to do. It’s more like competitive eye-candy than anything else.

It’s fun, and I like the idea of writing that, but only in the context of sparring, or play. I don’t even want to call those “fights” or make a distinction between those and a “real fight”, because fighting is violence, and I hope to write about violence as honestly as I can. That’s part of what I like and admire about a lot of Guillermo del Toro’s other works, too. It’s not a dance, and it’s not glorious*. It’s ugly, terrifying, and it hurts to watch, and it makes us worry for his characters all the more, because it forces us to acknowledge how vulnerable they really are.

*Or, glory as it’s often treated, I think. If there really is any glory to be had in real violence, I think it’s in the willingness to act in a crisis to protect others. Terror is notoriously paralyzing, so this is where the value of training comes in - as a kind of autopilot mode to fall back on, and suppress our panic in the moment. The emotional fallout and trembling will come after the crisis has passed, but in an emergency, not knowing what to do, and feeling helpless, can be one of the most devastating weapons against us.

Sparring and training can be a fun and exhilarating test of skill, where no one intends to maim or kill you. It’s completely different from fighting. In a fight, the goal is not to learn or grow or compete, the goal is to either kill someone, or hurt them so badly that they can’t try to hurt you (or anyone else) anymore (or enough to give you time to get away). It’s very stressful and often traumatizing. One wrong move will have lasting consequences, if you’re lucky enough to survive to put up with them. Even if you win, odds are, you’re going to get hurt - maybe permanently. It’s the visceral understanding that someone has decided to disassemble you, and the only way to stop them is to disassemble them first. It’s an ugly reminder of the components of our bodies, and how fragile they really are.

“There are better ways to finish a fight than punching someone in the face.”

I agree with this - there are better methods of conflict resolution, and we must use them. And I really like how Jim carried this forward in sparing Chompsky and Draal. But I also felt like Claire fundamentally failed to understand what she had witnessed (and maybe I’m the one who misunderstood). I just didn’t appreciate what I felt was a lecture from someone who didn’t get it. Not that I’d wish for her to get it - it’s a horrible position to be in. When someone is actively trying to hurt you, it’s hard as hell to remember those better ways, and there’s no guarantee that they would work - at this point, you have to get the attacker to stop quickly. Steve resisted all other attempts to defuse the situation, and I don’t think it’s fair to blame someone for fighting back.

“A hero is not he who is fearless, but he who is not stopped by it.”

But I’m also not going to put down someone who still seeks to defuse a situation, even despite the risks. That’s a huge gamble, and it requires a massive amount of courage and good faith in the other party, and it won’t always pay off. But when it works, I believe it can open up possibilities that might not otherwise exist, because to demonstrate good faith in someone is to demonstrate that you are Not The Enemy. I think Douxie demonstrated this marvelously with the Lady of the Lake in Wizards. He gave up the most powerful weapon he had - or what was left of it - to free Nimue rather than fight her when it looked like she was about to End everybody. Once he realized the truth of her situation, he took action to alleviate it - because he wasn’t going to beat up a prisoner, and he did not consider her imprisonment acceptable in the first place.

Jim is not a pacifist, in Trollhunters canon, or in the AU idea I’ve been messing with. He will fight to stop others from killing, and he might end up having to kill in the process if all other attempts fail. But (at least in this AU thing) he will see it as a tragic failure to bridge a gap. He refuses to succumb to the way of thinking that presents his opponents as evil, even if that would make it simpler for him to process their horrific actions. They’re living, complex beings, not symbols of everything wrong with the world. And often, the reason they’re trying to hurt others to begin with is because they have succumbed to that “seeing their opponents as evil” way of thinking, themselves. As Jim sees it in Building Bridges, that Lie is everyone’s greatest enemy. It’s part of what allows otherwise good people (like Arthur and Morgana) to do, justify, and condone horrific things.

He will fight if he must, but he will do his best to reach others first, to show them the truth, and try to find a way to effectively address whatever underlying pain is causing them to lash out. If Maria Edgeworth has a point about how “The human heart opens only to the heart that opens in return,” Jim will transcend “human” by taking the risk of opening his heart first (whether or not he also becomes a half-troll in this AU idea). I currently think that’s the most profound way to prove that “evil” view wrong.

This is not to say that he will do so incautiously. Jim takes his role as a protector seriously, and he will do what he must in service to that. But he sees potential in others, and values it. He’s not a saint, but he strives to be understanding and compassionate. And that’s damn hard work. It takes effort to be good, and to see the good in others, especially when you’re hurting.

#rambling thought-barf #theme talk #fanfiction notes

[aion-rsa]

Netflix’s Ginny & Georgia: An Excellent Show Undermined by its Race Problems

https://ift.tt/3sSSitt

Marketed as an updated and darker version of Gilmore Girls, the idea of this new mother-daughter duo show, Ginny & Georgia, is instantly appealing. Netflix’s new top 10 show is about 15-year-old Ginny Miller, played by Antonia Gentry, who often feels more mature than her 30-year-old mother, Georgia (Brianne Howey). When the family moves from Texas to a new town called Wellsbury in Massachusetts, Ginny isn’t too keen until she meets her super cute neighbor, Marcus, and his twin sister Maxine. But life is not so simple, and as secrets come to light, things get more complicated.

After finishing the show in 24 hours, I wish I could sit here and write about how compelling it is and how well it portrays that point in teenage life where you’re impulsive, awkward, and nervous as you try to figure out relationships and find yourself. However, while the town of Wellsbury is picture-perfect, Ginny & Georgia is not as it is undermined by a significant race problem, primarily how it deals with its biracial lead.

The show’s failure to deal with its lead character Ginny’s biracial identity makes it hard for me to love all the other great aspects of the show, as much as I want to. Ginny & Georgia’s exploration of coming of age, self-harm, LGBTQ+ relationships, sexual abuse, and being an American Sign Language family is compelling and something I wish was more present on television. Even criminal mastermind Georgia Miller, whose life is full of secrets, murder, and lord knows whatever else, is undermined by the shows tendency to only acknowledge Ginny’s Blackness when dealing with racism. Her race isn’t considered in any other regard, which suggests being Black is nothing more than microaggressions and discrimination, and that racism makes up the entirety of the Black identity. 

“If you had an ass, you’d be perfect”

Ginny’s experience of racism, mostly in the form of microaggressions, is plain for the eye to see, particularly in the comments made by Ginny’s new friends. When her friend Samantha (Romi Shraiter) asks her, “What are you?” and then plays it off as a compliment because Ginny is so “exotic looking,” Ginny’s response is silence. An equal response is given when the same friend fetishizes mixed-race babies by saying, “I’m going to marry a Black man so I can have adorable little mixed babies.” Beyond the fact that this comment is weird, and that the show is in many ways portraying a main character who is struggling with their biracial identity, the show normalizes racist comments by not having Ginny call out her friend. 

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It’s the same situation when Ginny straightens her hair, and Brodie, one of those characters who thinks they’re the funniest person alive but actually just fulfils that stereotypical teen drama douchebag role says, “If you had an ass, you’d be perfect. It’s weird that you don’t.” The use of comments like these in the show aid stereotypes and fetishizations of Black women as objects of desire and the idea that Black women, like me, who don’t have large bums are somehow less Black.

The show attempts to deal with this issue by having Ginny discuss it with her boyfriend Hunter (Mason Temple). Though it is a lovely scene because they start to discuss their experiences of being biracial, it does not address the fact Brodie has just used a racist insult, which is a common occurrence among Ginny’s friends. 

Both of these sequences undermine Ginny’s character, who, when we first meet her, is outspoken and strong as she calls out her English teacher for constructing a syllabus containing mostly white men. The show weakens its lead character when it portrays Ginny as someone who can’t have hard conversations with her friends. 

“Too unconventional”

A particularly striking aspect of the show is Ginny’s interactions with her AP English teacher, Mr. Gitten (Jonathan Potts). Her interactions with him are reflective of a situation most Black people have either experienced or heard about during their education, and yet the way the show handles it is somewhat messy. In Gitten’s first encounter with Ginny, he assumes she is not as well-read as the rest of her (predominantly white) classmates. This is continued when he states Ginny lost the writing competition because her essay was “too unconventional” when he really means it was too Black for him. Never directly discussing the issue Mr. Gitten has with her until the last episode, the moment is the closest Ginny comes throughout the whole show to dealing with the racism she receives, and yet it is one of the most unrealistic portrayals I have witnessed on television. 

Instead of trying to get the teacher punished, Ginny’s approach to dealing with the racism she receives is to blackmail him, saying she’d out him as a racist if he doesn’t give her a glowing college recommendation letter. I can only speak on my experiences as a Black woman who’s faced similar situations, but Ginny’s approach is naïve and an impractical reflection of what racism in school is like for minority ethnicities. The solution to racism is not blackmail. By Ginny choosing to blackmail him instead of telling the school so he can get fired or just have another teacher to write the recommendation letter, it makes her less honorable. 

Also, many of the comments Gitten makes are in front of the class and something he’s been doing for years as Bracia tells Ginny she’s had similar experiences with him. So surely he really wouldn’t have felt that threatened? All in all, Ginny’s approach to dealing with Mr. Gitten’s treatment is shocking and unhelpful as it suggests this is a useful way racism is dealt with. 

“Your bars could use a little work, homie”

The show’s failure to fittingly deal with its biracial lead’s struggles weakens the rest of the show, as it opens the door to messy scenes such as the heavily criticized “Oppression Olympics” scene where Ginny and Hunter throw stereotypes at each other, while Hunter fails to see how Gittens’ treatment of Ginny is racist. While the scene can be criticized for many things, it does well to highlight how all people of color can experience racism, but their experiences are not the same. While Hunter’s experiences are 100% valid, they are not comparable to what Ginny is going through in relation to their English teacher. Hunter’s accusations that Ginny is “causing drama in class” is him painting her in the stereotypical angry Black woman image because she’s calling out discrimination and using her voice. 

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The dialogue the argument uses is embarrassing, to say the least, with Ginny saying to Hunter, “Your favourite food is cheeseburgers, and I know more Mandarin than you do, you’re barely even Asian,” while Hunter says, “But I’ve never seen you pound back jerk chicken. The last time I checked, Brodie twerks better than you. And I liked your poem, but your bars could use a little more work, homie. So really, how black are you then?” The entire argument, which consists of stereotypes to prove who’s whiter, is extremely chaotic as it perpetuates this idea that you’re somehow less Black if you don’t know how to twerk or “pound back jerk chicken” whatever that means. And beyond the awful dialogue, the worst bit about it is the situation, which happens in episode 8, is never resolved. It is as if the writers of the show were saying racial identity is something two biracial characters “should” be struggling with, and instead of showing how they do, we’ll just throw this scene in and have them throw derogatory stereotypes at each other. The writing in the scene undermines what could have been a powerful moment which explored both Ginny’s struggle with her identity and the racism she’s experienced since she arrived in Wellsbury. Instead, we’re left with a frustrating scene that only reinforces the show’s inability to deal with a biracial lead character.

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While Ginny & Georgia is a delightfully chaotic show that for the majority of it will have you hooked and on the edge of your seat, its inability to deal with the lead character’s identity seriously undermines it. By not dealing with the microaggressions and discrimination Ginny receives, the show normalizes racism. If there is a season two, I hope the show gets a better handle on Ginny’s identity and what it means to be biracial. 

Ginny & Georgia is available to stream on Netflix now.

The post Netflix’s Ginny & Georgia: An Excellent Show Undermined by its Race Problems appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

The seven deadly sins of narcissism

In her book, Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the “Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism” and their origins.

Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.

Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person’s ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.

Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an “awkward” or “difficult” person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

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結局、自分のことしか考えない人たち：自己愛人間への対応術

サンディ・ホチキス  (著), 江口 泰子 (翻訳)  

https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/4794224419/

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comments from readers:

Kel: For me, this book helped me to find some understanding and acceptance that I WILL NOT be able to understand why these people act the way they do. Narcissism develops early in childhood and is often the by product of a narcissistic parent. The root of one’s behavior is based on the idea that the person is so insecure they constantly need people around them to boost them up. This occurs by creating grandiosity (they boost you up, so you in turn boost them up) or by putting others down. You are merely an extension of a narcissists world and the moment you try to set boundaries and have an individual identity, you are no longer of use to the narcissist, and they cut you off. This is where they often portray their lack of underlying moral values. They are so concerned about their own world that they simply cannot have compassion for yours!

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Xeni: Coming into contact with someone who is narcissistic can be toxic. If you have a boss who demands you cater to them all the time, or have a parent who puts their needs before their own [children], or have a sibling who doesn’t recognize boundaries… all these can lead to having detrimental effects on everyone they come into contact with. The examples outlined in this book are quite alarming. But they happen all the time. This is probably why I find the chapters on how to defend yourself from such people the most important.

I will just list the strategies here:

1. know yourself

2. embrace reality

3. set boundaries

4. cultivate reciprocal relationships

While to you these things might all seem very obvious, to those who were raised in a less than stellar environment [these strategies may be a challenge].

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Bryan: This is a book I would recommend to everyone. The book is broken up into four parts. Part 1 is the Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism and a very good description of each behavior. Part 2 is devoted to the explanation of where Narcissism can come from. Part 3 is tips on how to defend yourself from each of the “sins” and ways to avoid being caught in the narcissist’s web. Part 4 (and probably the most useful part) is the “Special People” section where Hotchkiss gives countless examples of narcissism in all forms, from the narcissistic child, to the narcissistic boss, loved one, family member and far beyond. Additionally, in this section Hotchkiss offers strategies from Part 3 that have been tailored to fit that specific subset of people.

The layout of this book and the progression of the information is set in a way that it repeats itself a bit but in ratchets up the learning curve with each repetition so it is not annoying or just beating the same information to death for 100+ pages. As a mental health professional I found a lot of this information to be informative despite my pre-existing body of knowledge on the subject. I feel that this is a book that can be given to anyone to help them recognize or begin to combat the narcissist already in someone’s life and/or to protect one’s self from being pulled in by these rather irresistible people. If you feel like you may have a narcissist on your hands, this is a MUST read!

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When reading this following review think of shame. Think of the ‘original sin’ – which may not have any basis in reality – and all the other sins that are put upon followers of the Moon family. These sins are described at length in the Divine Principle. Moon himself claimed to have been free from all sin, and now Hak Ja Han claims to have been born without original sin. Do the Moons use the powerful emotion of shame to control their followers? Did Moon feel shame within his own self that he poured onto all his followers – who then became so preoccupied with this ‘sin/shame’ that they could not see the imperfections of the Moon family?

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Emily: … Here are my notes:

More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissist comes across as cool indifference or even amorality. We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then, all of the sudden, they may surprise us by reacting to some minor incident or social slight. When shaming sneaks past the barriers, these “shameless” ones are unmasked for what they really are – supremely shame-sensitive. That is when you will see a flash of hurt, usually followed by rage and blame. When the stink of shame has penetrated their walls, they fumigate with a vengeance. (page 6)

The need to avoid shame at all costs creates a continuing dilemma for the Narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride. There is always someone who is better, brighter, more beautiful, more successful, more anything you can think of. The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to Narcissists, however, because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law. Their challenge is to find a way to stay pumped up inside in order to hold these hard realities at bay. The methods they typically employ involve a considerable amount of distortion and illusion, what psychologists call “magical thinking.” (page 7)

They don’t really “see” anyone else, except when a person can do something for them…

Eve’s shame after the fall – statue by Rodin. The fall narrative is an allegorical tale.

There will be inevitable violations of boundaries. More than vanity, arrogance, self-absorption… this is your biggest clue to another person’s narcissism. Ignore it at your own risk.

You may want to avoid the toxic environments in which Narcissist thrive and instead seek those in which differences between people are recognized and accepted, healthy boundaries are maintained and expectations are clear and realistic.

We all view life through lens of experiences but the Narcissist has something more, not just a lens but a prism that refracts and distorts incoming messages to avoid the intolerable feeling of shame. This means you are never in control of how these people perceive you or when you will be assaulted with some defensive manoeuvre that deflects their shame, prevents deflation or re inflates them after a narcissistic injury.

People who tolerate boundary violations are generally those who like the Narcissist, have not formed a strong sense of separate self, usually because they have been trained to accept intrusions while growing up… others from such backgrounds are very sensitized to those intrusions and erect rigid boundaries to protect themselves.

These are people who have difficulty trusting and allowing intimacy in close relationships. They develop an anxious, apprehensive attitude towards others, as if they expect to be violated in some way. Sometimes, however, their lack of experience with healthy boundaries makes them confused or unsure when an intrusion is occurring. (page 29)

If you have a parent, spouse or other significant person in your life who is an addictive or compulsive narcissist, chances are you have developed your own compulsions or addictions for dealing with the stress of this relationship…  maybe you crave chocolate, potato chips or ice cream and have trouble controlling your weight.

Maybe you immerse yourself in the practice of your religion in order to convert the pain and emptiness of your life into something with transcendent meaning. Maybe you have to buy a new pair of shoes for every social occasion. Maybe you can’t stop collecting toys, furniture, cars, art or whatever you do for a hobby. Maybe you read, sew or clean compulsively to distract yourself.

You don’t have to be an alcoholic or drug addict to have a problem with compulsion. Anything you do to alter your mood that keeps you from addressing underlying problems could be hurting you or someone you love.

What do you do to make bad feelings go away? Could you stop any of these behaviors if you knew they were hurting your child, spouse or best friend? What if the one being hurt was you? (pages 117-118)

To become compulsive about our compulsions is to invite more shame into our lives… it is about establishing balance. When you stop altering your moods, you have to face the feelings that you have avoided. How well you work through those feelings will have everything to do with whether you will be able to live a life free of addictions and compulsions. That is reality. (page 118)

Guidelines for Survival

Be aware of your feelings in the company of someone who repeatedly evokes shame, discomfort, anger… these feelings can be excellent indicators that you are in the presence of a Narcissist. Once you have recognized whom you are dealing with, you will be in a better position to defend yourself.

When you have uncomfortable or intense feelings in the presence of a Narcissist, ask yourself what buttons of yours are being pushed. Why do you respond the way you do?

Think about how your feelings help the narcissist manage shame in some way. Try not to personalize what is happening. Although it couldn’t feel more personal, it really is not. You are just a means to an end.

You need to find a way to detach from the feelings the Narcissist evokes in you. Sometimes it helps to think of this person as being 2 years old on the inside.

When deflecting the shame projected by the Narcissist, resist the urge to retaliate. The Narcissist has a lot at stake in keeping unconscious processes unconscious. Don’t try to challenge or enlighten this person either… if you try to tamper with this, you may escalate the situation to your own detriment or discomfort.

It needs to be enough for you to know that you have to put the projections back where they belong in your own mind, regardless of how the Narcissist sees the situation.

Learn to accept that if a narcissist lies, cheats, disrespects or hurts others, betrays confidences, take advantage or shows lack of compassion, sooner or later you can expect to be on the receiving end of that same behavior.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that something special about your relationship will spare you.

Don’t go into a relationship with a Narcissist thinking you are going to change that person, or they will change their feelings because of you. Although people do sometimes change as a result of experiences in relationships, this requires something that the Narcissists lack, the capacity to respond to compassion with compassion.

When setting boundaries, be prepared for changes in the relationship other than the ones you are requesting. The Narcissist must find some way to cope with the fact that you are taking control of your own life, as this very well may upset his internal equilibrium. There may be testing of you in other aspects of the relationship to see how far you are willing to go to create separateness and “be your own person.”

There may be distancing from you and redirection of control elsewhere. There may be manipulation, coercion, or efforts to seduce you into rescinding the boundaries and restoring the power this person had over you… Take it slowly, think about what you are feeling and what is happening, and plan your responses carefully. Try not to fall into old traps.

Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and know that you have a right to do this. Then whatever you decide to do, do it as non-defensively as you can.

Find a way to distance yourself from the emotional “hooks.” For example, view criticism as “help” and respond as if the person is offering help. Even though you know it isn’t help, your ability to respond this way meets her need to feel important but you are in control. Putting a stop not to her behavior but to your experience of it. (page 169)

You can try to ask them to refrain from certain behavior while in your presence, but this may not work. What is valuable about asserting yourself in this way, is not so much your effectiveness in getting them to change as the experience of standing up for yourself even if your wishes are ignored. Calmly tell what you are prepared to do if you are not respected. (page 170)

If you are able to make peace with your narcissist, to give without feeling taken advantage of, to love even though you may receive little in return, to accept what never was and can never be, you will be free to search elsewhere for the reciprocity you deserve. (page 171)

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Jean:

Be ready to accept your own part in allowing narcissists any role in your life. The book has a lot to say about people being responsible for their own well-being.

This is my favorite quote from the book: “In addition to love, all children need these things, from birth to emancipation: consistency, structure, good boundaries, empathic attunement, and SOMEONE TO BE AN ADULT. They need to know who is in their family and who is not, what place or places they can call home, where and when they are supposed to eat and sleep, what are the rules of conduct of the household and to whom they apply (roles and responsibilities), what belongs to them and what does not. They need to be taught what their own personal boundaries are, who can violate them, and under what circumstances. They need to understand also that others have personal boundaries that need to be respected. They need to know whom they can depend on to meet each of their needs: who will comfort them when they are hurt or sick or frightened, who will protect them when they are in danger, who will provide them with the necessities of life, who will teach them what they need to know to become more self-reliant. The sum total of these “knowings” constitute the boundaries of their lives. As parents, it is our job to set these structures in place and to maintain or alter them over time.”

If people read no more than this of the book, they will have serious food for thought about how to raise healthy, well-adjusted children who will become healthy well-adjusted citizens.

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reviews from http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/423271.Why_Is_It_Always_About_You_

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Total Exploitation: Moon says “sell your life” for me

Young-oon Kim: “Our Leader (Sun Myung Moon) is quite temperamental and is easily angered.”

The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power

Contract for Membership in a Cultic Group or Relationship

The Believing Brain: From Spiritual Faiths to Political Convictions – How We Construct Beliefs and Reinforce Them as Truths

Repairing the Soul – Janja Lalich

#narcissism #shame #original sin #Sun Myung Moon #Hak Ja Han