This is my heart As it tears into pieces All of my strength All of my weakness All that I’ve left And all that’s behind Is missing and mangled And tangled inside Everything’s broken Yet everything’s whole Things that I feel That you’ll never know A heartache so sweet And I don’t have a reason But this is my heart As it tears into pieces
I am sorry but this image is so burned into my head that I prioritize being this skinny over school, work, and my overall health. I am sweating my ass off everyday walking, jogging, doing cardio and using weights. My hair is thinning, my throat is burning from puking, and I look dead. But I do not care. I want this dream body so badly, and I will get it no matter the loss. So what if I cut some years off my life? We are here for a short time not a long time. **I am not encouraging anyone to not eat or do what I am doing, this is just a personal post to get rid of my anger**
(Also asked by @irrfahrer too)
A love headcanon :
What is love, if not a weakness, for Ariadne ?
Beside, who can be sure said lover isn’t ready to betray and/or abuse her ?
No one taught her to trust people - quite the contrary, even ! Not only did her grandfather’s abuse shaped her into a paranoid, hyperalert teen and young woman, but Eiron’s - her father - training ? It finished the job by hammering home the fact that she shouldn’t trust anyone - and what is love if not trusting someone else ? That love was dangerous - look, my little Deena, what happened because I loved your mother too much ? That she could only rely and count on herself.
And she did - again, no one showed her it was possible for love to be healthy. To be sane. To be gentle. To be fair.
And later in her life, love became a liability. Indeed, being a Senator (and a crooked one to booth), having someone who you actually cared about also makes said person a prime target. So better stay alone, right ? Less heartbreak in the end.
Again, I am not saying it cannot happen. But it takes a lot of trust for Ariadne to let someone getting close to her. It takes a lot of sleepless nights, of silent tears hidden in a kitchen - no one should see how weak you truly are, or they’ll use it against you. Lot of alcoholized mistakes, much more nights filled with exceptionnal gentleness between nightmares. And most importantly : someone who does not abandon her. Someone who comes back.
She is terribly jealous, too. Possessive, even, once she’s in love. Not because she wants to “own” the person, but because she’s scared they’ll leave. She’s watching every moves, interpreting every signs into a bad omen, an imminent catastrophe and, sadly, often, she’ll drive the relationship to its breaking point…
So better be alone, right ? It doesn’t hurt someone that way. And you don’t end up abandonned.
Any anger we have towards people we have to let go of.
Paul writes in Ephesians 4, ‘be angry; but do not sin.’ When you are angry at somebody, that’s anger with sin. When you are angry over a topic, that’s anger without sin.
When you are angry at somebody, it’s at the cost of their soul. It causes you to view them wrong and treat them without mercy. James writes in James 2, ‘to him who shows no mercy, no mercy will be given.’ We have to forgive because God has forgiven us. This includes action and actively being patient, kind, living all the fruit of the Spirit towards them.
Does forgiveness include forgetting? Absolutely. God forgave and forgot our sins. Does it include trust? No. This is what we get confused about. We mix up forgetting with trusting. No man should have your trust but God even before you were wronged. The reason we get hurt and hold record of wrongs is because we give them the trust that belongs to Jesus alone.
Always forgive, then forget by forgiving yourself for placing your trust in flesh instead of in your relationship with Jesus.
Arjun Rampal Look from the movie Dhaakad Released, a strong look at the poster
These days, the upcoming film Dhaakad by Bollywood actress Kangan Ranaut is in the news. A new poster for the movie ‘Dhakad’ has recently appeared, showing the horrific style of Arjuna Rampala. Let me tell you, in Kangana’s film Dhakad, Arjun will play the role of Rampal Villain. On the same day, Tuesday, a poster by Arjuna Rampala was released, in which he looks quite beautiful but dangerous.…
I wish I could talk about the reasons why I feel so miserable but first of all no one has time for that and also why the heck would someone listen to me? And the biggest point is that I can’t even put into words why I hate being alive so much :/
The only reason I’m still alive is my mom and out dog. I will see…I’m scared of life. I will go for a walk in the woods with them in a bit tho, I really hope that will calm me down a bit :/
TRIGGER WARNING // Self Harm
I came home from Tee’s just now. I was at his for most of the night because he wanted to hang out. I feel like shit because Nathan calls Tee up and I told Tee to act like I wasn’t there. So, as if I’m not there, Nathan starts going on about how he wants to talk to Tee and other people want to talk to him and all this, but then goes on about me and saying that I told Lozza bullshit and that Nathan can’t talk to me - for a reason I can’t remember.
In other words, I’m talking shit, making it worse, and saying things that never happened.
All I do, when telling someone what’s happening, is tell the truth - even if I look bad. I will not make myself look better, I will not make someone look worse. I tell it how it is, and that’s it.
But, then, to tell someone who was one of the reasons why this shit happened in the first place - not his fault, but he was involved more than me - that they’re happy to talk to them but not to me about this? Absolute bullshit in itself.
It got to me really bad, and it is upsetting considering all I have done is be supportive and try my best to understand, but also seeing things for myself and never taking any sides.
I came home, heated up some snack spring rolls, grabbed a knife, and started attacking my arm. It bled pretty good but not too long and not too deep. Deep enough though. It helped me release some anger but, boy, am I so fucking angry still. I just keep envisioning me smashing a glass and taking a shard and digging it into me. It’s so fucking difficult right now and I want to cry but I can’t, my eyes won’t let me.
Why am I letting them get to me this badly? I’m suffering for all the wrong reasons. I have other shit going on in my life like my car’s bumper is about to fall off and I don’t have the money to fix it. That, and I also owe like four hundred dollars to the house owner for utilities since last month at least. I’m falling under, mentally, emotionally, and financially, and it’s all piling up on me and I feel like this might not be something I can survive…
If I do survive, it won’t be without heavy damage.
I remember the second time it occurred to me that, you definitely had a problem of harassing people with sexual questions. Even with the couple we were close to (when double dating with) you crossed the line. I remember it so clearly because that’s when I started to feel I couldn’t trust you, this feeling that allowed for our small bickering fights to escalate to these really dramatic scenes that I’ve tried to completely erase and block from my mind.
She said, “Leila, I need to show you something,” I was sitting right next to my pistmate (person I was sharing the bathroom with) in the computer lab. I saw it clear as day, his profile picture asking a sexual favor and asking if she would have a threesome with me and him. Outraged, I told her I would confront you. She continued, “I didn’t respond or say anything. But this has been happening to other people on the base.” In response, I kind of just shook my head in disbelief. But it was clear that he had messaged her. And I was mad, internally and didn’t know how to let it out. So I kept it inside but when you have too much alcohol-the truth comes out.
That night, there was a lot of drinking at his place. But I remember facing him when everyone left, it was dark and I had too much to drink. All he did was laugh at my face saying that she was lying and being stupid. That he wouldn’t do something like that. I told him if he was doing what he was doing, to just let me know, I will not tolerate it. If he wants to mess around, I would leave him. I started to cry and then and there is where he started to tell me to shut up. That was the first time, I’ve seen his anger come out. That was the beginning of the fighting.
When we made up, make up sex was great. We liked to dress up and role play. To me, it was like playing pretend. You would get off at the made up stories I would come up with. But I kept it separate from reality. Who knew that you loved playing pretend even in reality.
Time went on, and as it did like one of those time lapse things you see in movies, I kept hearing more and more stories. I would confront you who were in denial of all of them. In the military, there comes a time to where you have to deploy. And it was your time and we decided to be together and give long distance a go.
You loved the sex stories I wrote. Only difference between you and I, is that to me it was make believe and it wasn’t something I longed for in reality. For you, it was something you longed for-what you got off on. And since you were away, you let me stay in your room of the apartment you shared with your room mate until you got back.
There was a time when your room mate’s gal had guys over when your room mate was away. I remember always thinking that something may have been going on between you. Her and I were really good friends including your neighbor’s girl. But you had told me to give her the phone and so I did. Whatever you had said to her made her kick her friends out. No one ever wanted to mess with your anger.
Days and nights passed until I had to pick you up from the airport. After that it was always the same, fighting, yelling, punching walls, you telling me to shut up as I cried. It was more extreme when there was alcohol and we were always drinking. Then, you started leadership school and because of all the talk about you chatting it up with all the girls on base, it made me crazy. So crazy I was fixated on texting you-blowing up your phone. Always worried that you were talking to someone else if you didn’t reply right away.
It was so bad, I remember being called in to the office about bothering you at leadership school. That was our big break up. I remember my supervisor who was known to be the biggest biznitch and my civilian supervisor. They asked me questions and told me could not contact you.
The first shirt called me in to his office and assigned a “no-contact” order or there will be consequences to face. I had a hard time accepting it. It was like I was addicted to you-blinded by what seemed to be love.
I had to drive to your place with hopes of running into you. I had begged to see you one last time that I would leave you alone if you did. Why was I like this? Looking back its not the kind of healthy love that anyone wants. You told me you love me, that it was the hardest thing for you to do. But you said it was too much for you. That you needed a break from me. But that’s how we were to each other especially when we fight.
This was the very first time, our relationship made a wrinkle in both of our careers.
Give your energy to positive people who don’t blame you for things you didn’t have a hand in to take out their personal anger. usually you even agree with the things these people are passionate about, but their anger turns them into cruel people. Give your energy to people who can come together with you to push to solve the problems of the world instead of sink you with them, give your energy to people who will help you feel good so that you can both have the energy make a change in the world
tfw you get talked over and ignored and then the person who spoke over who is like “Why aren’t you talking?” like bitch ok
Thank god they could never dust for finger prints.
When I say I never loved you.
The little waves and little dents would shine under a blacklight over your body.
Every one of my digits and my kisses stamped onto you like a secret lipstick,
all there in plain sight revealed by talcum.
Hold it against me in a court of flaw.
I made mistakes.
You can tell the world I’m a liar but what’s it say that I would lie about loving you?
I am so sorry for the scare you went through. Even though her test came back negative, your worry was real and valid.
Your father was / is clearly in the wrong here. He is blinded by his hateful feelings to how important the relationship is for you. Of course you would be affected by something possibly happening to your mother. If he were less selfish, he would realize that.
You have every right to be angry, for however long you want. There may not be much anyone can do to repair their relationship or whatever happened in the past, but going forward he’s going to have to wake up before he can have any kind of decent relationship with you.
If a relationship with him is something you would want too, if he could actually try to be better and meet you halfway, you might try talking to him about why she’s always going to be important to you. His personal feelings on the issue aren’t going to change that. But if you just want to get through this time and forget about him after that, that’s a perfectly reasonable plan too.
Anger is demonized in our society, but we need to accept that it is a normal human emotion.
For real. I’m a very kind person, and always do my best to be calm and patient, and even though I hardly ever snap, sometimes I can just be bitchy, and while part of that is because of things that make me angry, part of it is just because I’m human. I’m a teenager. I have emotions, sometimes amplified by hormones. And you know what? That’s okay.
Sometimes you’ve had a horrible day. You got water down your gloves when you were doing the dishes. You spilled your coffee. You got deadnamed at work. These are all things that would still piss you off, and that might make you bitchy.
Obviously, try not to be an asshole, but remember that you’re human. Humans have emotions. You don’t have to pretend to always be happy.
You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be bitchy. You are allowed to express your emotions.
If you hurt someone, apologize. Don’t give excuses, but explain that you were angry.
Sometimes I imagine that I’m not alive
I don’t believe that I’m dead,
Just that I’m not actually in control of my heart, or my limbs, or myself
It’s nice to believe that when I fuck up it wasn’t my fault
It was just the girl who uses the same body I happen to live inside
It makes life more bearable
Or maybe I just find myself unbearable enough to want to escape the person I let myself become
￼I lie to myself a lot and say I’m a good person
It doesn’t help me sleep at night
It just eases my mind whenever I’m alone
I think if I knew what a healthy relationship looked like
I wouldn’t sabotage anything that makes me feel safe or comfortable
Because I know in the end I’m the toxin in every situation
I think it’s my daddy issues that made me this way
Or maybe it’s the issues that I refuse to admit I have outside of my phone
But admitting it requires saying out loud that I’m fucked up in the head
And I’m a god living in a mortal world
And my complex refuses to let me live outside of the walls I’ve built Around my head
Yeah, maybe that’s why I’m fucked up
But like I said, you wouldn’t ever catch me saying it out loud