“Do you think you can forgive?” my therapist asks me. I shrug. “I don’t see the point,” I say.
-my poem
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Responsibility
-
My legs shake
With effort.
Sweat dripping down my back.
Heavy breathing,
Barely able to stand.
I look up for you,
But you're not there.
You're never fucking
There.
I hear your laughter in the distance,
Relaxed.
My chest contorts with anger
And pity.
I guess I'll brush myself off,
And get back to work.
Once my legs stop shaking,
Of course.
x
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Hey, remember how angry c!Tommy was when Wilbur told him he was leaving?
I wrote a poem about it - ‘I never used to be this angry’
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to make monsters of women
please do not repost my work, especially without credit + taglist under cut
taglist: @divorce-enjoyer
dm me if you want to be added/removed from the taglist!
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Motherhood
Do not tell me what your god wants for me
Because our gods are not the same
Do not tell me my purpose by your god
It means nothing to my god
Or to me
Do not speak of your god’s greatest gift to us
It makes me sad, for you
My god’s greatest gift to me
Does not come cooing and gurgling
In sleepless nights and putrid vomit
In reveling in the discovery of another’s foot
Babies are nice, to be sure
I have nothing against babies
But my god gave me a much different gift
Mine gave me friendship and love
Mine gave me storytelling and squirrels
Mine gave me cameras and laughter
Mine gave me a mind that runs faster than my body
My god looked at me and said,
No, this one’s children are the stories
And she will tend well to them
Because this one must learn to be human
She must learn the confines of her corporal form
She will know much of sitting with others
She will know much of pain
But she will know much of healing too
And that will become her work
It’s the stories they tell themselves
It’s the stories that matter
Those stories will be her children
To be attended to with pen and paper,
To be documented with camera and brush,
It will not be motherhood
She will chafe under such confinement
Her mind will break under such boredom
Her gift is the world
A response to someone on Twitter who said, "God's greatest gift to us is motherhood."
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Consume me.
Go ahead, try and take all I am.
Try to suffocate me with petals and thorns.
Try to make me into something palatable
Something pretty
Something easy-to-swallow.
I hope you choke.
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I will find god and I will not cower.
I will ask him
“How dare you”
“How could you”
And he would stare back
And once again allow me
To starve
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A fire that knows your name.
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⚠️tw death, abuse (of numerous kinds), religious and political extremism⚠️
Two years ago, our sperm donor-- a physically/emotionally/sexually/emotionally/spiritually/verbally abusive, evangelical, cult-leading, n-zi hate preacher-- FORTUNATELY passed away.
Not a day goes by that we aren't affected by his actions, even though he's no longer here. The numerous nights we wake up in sweat. The constant moments we look over our shoulder, thinking we've heard his voice. So on.
Only now have we had the courage to speak out this much.
With all of this in mind, we wrote an angry vent-poem at the request of our primary partner.
Enjoy.
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24 November 2022
the fact of the matter is,
you were supposed to stay.
you were supposed to be there for me
when things went bad.
i stayed, i would have stayed through anything.
but you were different.
you saw it getting bad
and decided you didn't love me anymore.
decided this was too much for you.
and left.
you left me to fend for myself.
a puppy who didn’t know the way,
stumbling and clinging onto whoever feeds it.
getting tricked into giving my all
only to be kicked by those who find it funny.
i trusted you,
now what?
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You Don’t know
I know you far greater than you believe
Which you will never ever perceive
For I must be oh-so naive
No matter the feats I achieve
I’ll never be the sage of your desire
For I am not a bush of fire
For I am not a red handed liar
Nor is it something I would ever admire
Everyone says yours intentions are altruistic
Even if your words are disgustingly simplistic
Always interrupting me when I’m just being realistic
Acting like I’m the one being cruel and antagonistic
You get up to leave whining about not being wanted
Before you left I was cowardly taunted
Your cruel question has left my mind daunted
I’m shakingly still as my heart is haunted
I couldn’t answer your question then and I won’t now
I absolutely refuse to quietly submit and bow
You’ll forget that this all happened anyhow
As I sit angrily wishing that I could forget somehow
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No Contact
Stop Calling
Stop texting
You always had a way of disobeying orders
You were out of my life when I wanted you most
Now that I no longer need you
No longer crave your motherly touch
You reenter
Stop Calling
Stop texting
I see you every time I look in the mirror
I wish I could cut and paste new features
Remove you from body
Remove you from my blood
I can't even remove you from phone
Stop calling
Stop Texting
You ruined a lot for me
I hope I ruined a lot for you too
It only seems fair
Please
Please
Stop Calling
Stop Texting
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Save me (I stab you)
Exhaustion numbing my every sense.
Thoughts die down, mind empty.
Grasp my hand and get me out of this nothingness!
I am all apart, pieces missing, gone.
A sinner, grabbing desperately every opportunity,
hungry, thirsty and needy, a shadow in pitch black.
Rage, always present, always failing.
Unfair, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
But this is how it is.
I’ve been ruined, don’t touch me.
I’ll drown you, get your blood on my teeth.
I will steal your heart, for mine got ripped out of me.
Yet I will choke, suffocate with your pureness.
Abandon your flesh, poison the stolen heart.
Drown in the pile of my own corpses.
They made me what I’ve always hated.
Faces haunt my last moments, corpses rot.
Now they will devour my insides.
And it's agony, pathetic and wicked.
I never wanted to be this human.
I never meant to become cruel.
But it’s late, I am losing my breath amongst the corpses.
I am too gone, flew too close to the sun.
I got exhausted from carrying my dead soul.
Forgive me, I kept surviving on anger.
My hope was stabbed at its core.
Take my hand, this can’t be the end.
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december 30, 2023
❝ she started looking pretty recently.
even prettier, i’ve noticed.
why is she looking so pretty all of a sudden?
hmm …
that’s not fair. i’ve not even gotten started
picking up my fragile heart’s pieces.
the thought of putting them together, an
even more horrible thought.
so, why me? why now? I don’t get it.
i think about her every day. ❞
ex ‘best friend’
. . .
DO NOT STEAL, REPOST, REPURPOSE, TRANSLATE, AND ANY OR ALL THINGS TO DO WITH THIS POEM IF YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED MY CONSENT FIRST.
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Why Won't They Help Me?
The mental health services in my country have really let me down.
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flood
The flood you caused
makes you turn a blind eye.
When I turn to face it
the fault is suddenly mine.
The water from my eyes
burns from your lies.
It spills into puddles
dripping on the floor.
Forcing its presence
cracking more and more.
The dam of my feelings
breaks with the weight,
as quickly as it rushes
It boils into hate.
I'm dreaming to be dry.
and memorize the wet lines.
Wishing for the day,
the rage finally dies.
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