The slashers falling asleep on you
Michael Myers
Will refuse to let go of you at all costs
Please get him to take his mask off because he may suffocate because his face is pressed against your body.
Pushes his whole weight onto you.
Bo Sinclair
Snores like a grandpa
Somehow he ends up falling off the bed or couch and wakes up screaming because it frightened him.
Lester teases him about it till this day
Anna Game
She will fall asleep on you when you're sitting in her lap while she's doing a simple task like fixing something.
Holds you as close to her as possible
And when it's time to go to bed she'll whisper in your ear about how it's time for you both to go and then she'll carry you there.
Billy Loomis
Sets up this whole thing just so that he can cuddle with you.
Puts on a horror movie and makes you both popcorn
Please for the love of god do not touch his hair because you will not be able to get up and wash your hands for the next 2 hours. (You could fry your hand with the amount of gel and oil on your hand)
Lestat De Lioncourt
Insists that if you let him bury his face against your chest or thighs, it will make him sleep better.
Runs his nails up and down your sides
Expects you to play with his hair until he falls asleep
Patrick Bateman
He's like an angry cat and because of this; if you wake him up then he will get upset and leave but if you don't wake him up then he'll begin to lean on you more and more while his arms are wrapped around you.
Michael Emerson(He's not a slasher but it's fine)
I hope you have something to do while he's asleep because he will be there for hours.
Wraps his arms around your waist and presses his face into the side of your neck before dropping all of his weight on top of you.
He is very heavy
David(Lost Boys)
Is super private about his relationship with you so when you do get to spend time together he likes to do it for long periods of time
This time he was showing you some of the new CDs he had gotten and he was playing them for you.
Eventually you were both cuddling while listening and as you look over his head is leaning against your shoulder and he's completely knocked out.
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A whopping, like, 2.6 people have expressed interest in my recent adventures in watching Bean films, which is all the encouragement I need to present to you:
An Incomplete Guide to Sean Bean Roles (Investigation Ongoing)
Our guy has a vast filmography, and I'm not even close to being halfway through it, but I've watched a lot of his significant ones in the past few weeks thanks to a perfect storm of illness, injury, and lapses in client work. Crucially, I have created superlatives for a variety of them and present them here for your benefit. Disclaimer: many of these films are violent! Or have butts and/or tits! Some have dick! Some have dated bits that didn't age well! So, if you have triggers or are watching with young viewers, do your research first! Also, these are just the opinions of one solitary millennial! Nothing is objective! Nothing is real! I care not!
Okay, CYA done, let's begin. I'll get the two most obvious ones out of the way up front, otherwise they'll dominate half the categories:
ACT I
Greatest Bean:
Fellowship of the Ring. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he achieved more pathos with Boromir than a lot of his other roles have allowed for, and every note he hits just sings. No debate.
Best Bean for Your Buck:
Sharpe. For the best confluence of quantity, quality, physicality, emotion, humor, and action, you can't beat Richard Sharpe.
Favorite Dramatic Bean:
Time; he earned that BAFTA fr
Softest Bean:
The first date scene in Stormy Monday, where Brendan shyly gets to know Kate, slow dances with her, lends her a shirt and strokes her back after she asks if they can just go to sleep instead of have sex.
Most Dashing Bean:
Vronsky in Anna Karenina, that uniform cuts, damn
Swooniest Bean:
I know I'm supposed to say Chatterley, and he is undeniably sexy as Mellors, but there are parts where his character is actually kind of off-putting. I'll lay a good chunk of the blame on the weirdly ominous score, the very of-the-time depiction of dubious consent, and Joely Richardson's tendency to look like she's having the worst time of her life while shagging the hot gamekeeper. No, I'm giving this category to Stormy Monday again. He's just so gentle and genuine in this one, without some of the obligatory "heartthrob" overtones of his nineties stuff. He never raises his voice at Kate or manhandles her. He really does feel like some kid who just wants to be sweet to his girlfriend.
Laddiest Bean:
When Saturday Comes, specifically the strip club and bathtub scenes.
Favorite Sad Bean:
As a collective, he has some great grief scenes in World on Fire, but! The railroad track scene in When Saturday Comes?! That was RAW.
Favorite Mad Bean:
Black Death; there are plenty of movies where he doesn't smile at all, but unlike some others, his grimness and anger felt proportionate to the story, rather than just rage because he's good at rage.
Favorite Bad Bean:
There are so many great Bean villains (Goldeneye, obvs), but I think my favorite is Patriot Games. Bonus points for all the different hairstyles he has in this film (long locks-shag-shag ponytail!-buzz-wet spiky buzz). Also HUGH FRASER AAAA
Favorite Dad Bean:
Wolfwalkers, where Bill Goodfellowe literally turns his own convictions and beliefs upside-down in order to protect and support his daughter.
INTERMISSION
A note on GoT: I haven't watched it. When season one was first coming out, it was during a time where I really couldn't handle watching any kind of sexual assault onscreen, and while I have a higher tolerance now, I just... don't want to. I like seeing gifs of Ned Stark and appreciate that it's one of his great roles, but I just can't make myself take the plunge.
ilysm you grizzled dead wolf man
ACT II
Favorite Costumed Bean:
Odysseus in Troy: curls, leather, thighs.
Favorite Un-Costumed Bean:
He strips in quite a lot of his films, so let's give it to Lady Chatterley for sheer screentime, exertion, and the bonus of being naked and wearing a flower crown. Honorable mention to When Saturday Comes for the totally not homoerotic amount of butts and also dick in the locker room bathtub scene.
Hurtin'est Bean:
Bravo Two Zero. Oof, don't watch this one if you have an aversion to seeing pain, although---you're a Sean Bean fan, and we all know one of his MOs is being GREAT at pain. This one was directed by Tom Clegg, who directed Sharpe. Also lol at the sickle-shaped wound on his shoulder, which is covering his 100% Blade tattoo (he gets a lot of sickle-shaped wounds on his left shoulder).
Best Inside References:
The Frankenstein Chronicles, where he plays a former Peninsular soldier, and every reference to his service is a reference to Sharpe, including shots of his greenjacket, pistol, sword, and flogging scars. Honorable mention to The Martian for the Council of Elrond line.
Most Unsettling Bean:
Cleanskin for moral grayness, The Frankenstein Chronicles for body horror
Most Inefficient Use of Bean:
Black Beauty. Despite getting high billing he's only onscreen for about two minutes and I'm convinced the long shots are a body double. Criminal.
Biggest Missed Opportunity:
We were robbed of a Sean Bean Odyssey. R o b b e d
Funniest Bean:
Deploying Bean for comedy is woefully underused, but he made full use of his ~15 seconds in The Vicar of Dibley ("Spring" episode). He's also hilarious in Wasted, though I haven't watched the show, only the clips he's in on YouTube, where he plays a mock version of himself serving as a spirit guide for a stoner. IMO, though, Sharpe gives him the most room for humor.
Favorite Character Quirk:
In World on Fire, when Douglas is having WWI flashbacks and really coming apart, he kept putting his hand to his mouth. My modern brain first read this as talking into a phantom radio, but of course that wasn't right, and then I realized--he was reaching for a phantom gas mask. CHILLS. AMAZING. (Honorable mentions to the Mouth Rub and the Tongue Thing [pictured above]).
Most Nostalgic Bean:
National Treasure. The concept may be utter silliness, but you have to admit, this is a fun movie to watch.
Best Dismount from a Horse:
Henry VIII, he goes pshwing out of the saddle
Best Swordplay:
You may think there's no possible answer to this, but there is---two moments, specifically: the preparatory sword-spin he does at Balin's tomb just before the goblin attack in Moria, and the four lunges he does at 1:26:22 of Sharpe's Battle. It's just facts.
Prettiest Bean Film:
Wolfwalkers, hands downnnn
Favorite Bean Death:
All right, you knew we had to eventually end here. It's Boromir, obviously--- nothing tops that. But if we're looking at other roles, I think Patriot Games is my favorite, followed by Goldeneye.
So! That concludes this installment of Bean films, though I'll be continuing the labor, and I hope you will, too. What are your favorites?
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Can there be one of Lady Dimitrescu, The Huntress and The Pig with an SO who really enjoys being carried over their shoulder? And they actually like carrying their SO over their shoulder too?
Okily Dokily
Lady Slashers with an s/o who likes to be carried!
(Requests and Matchups: OPEN)
Lady Dimitrescu
Sometimes when she doesn't feel like sending one of her servants to come to get you, she finds you herself and wraps her arms around you from behind before offering to pick you up.
If she's reading or drinking something while you're on her shoulder she'll offer you some of her drink or she'll raise her book so that you can also read it.
Has you grab things you need from higher shelves while you're on her shoulder, which usually leads to her muttering about building your lower shelves.
The Huntress/ Anna Game
Randomly comes up behind you while you're doing day-to-day tasks and lifts you up onto her shoulder.
Forgets that you're on her shoulder A LOT, which usually ends up in you falling off of her because she bends down a lot.
Pats your head a lot
She forgets that your ear is right next to her mouth and she sometimes shouts in your ear, so she tries to whisper as much as possible.
The Pig/ Amanda Young
Is really cautious whenever she picks you up because she doesn't want you to fall or for her to hurt you so, she wraps her arm around you as tight as possible so you can't move.
Sometimes when she's holding you she'll hand you things to hold for her while she's working on something.
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