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enfant-du-fleurs · 2 years

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on the horns of a dilemma part 1 // Jake Kiszka x Female Reader

WARNINGS: angst, strong language, cheating, mention of alcohol and other substances.

NOTE: Hi! Well, as you all can see, this is my first fanfiction EVER, so maybe this could be very shitty, but I put all my blood, sweat and tears on this, and I’m not joking with putting my tears on this because I was crying meanwhile I was writing this, so… enjoy it. Also, english is not my first language but if I write my fanfics in my language... nobody is going to read it, so pardon me if there is a mistake c: There is A LOT of songs references.

Words: +11,000

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Female Reader

SUMMARY: Jake is one of your closest friends since you were on middle school, they have grown up together, but you always had a crush on him, you never considered yourself attractive enough to be with him. Now, Jake is getting married and you're realizing that maybe if you had been a little braver a while ago, things would be very different. Everyone is tangled up on the horns of a dilemma.

PLAYLIST

SEE YOU SOON – BEABADOOBEE

I WILL - MITSKI

MOON SONG – PHOEBE BRIDGERS

ANNA (GO TO HIM) – THE BEATLES

THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL (COVER)– CARLA BRUNI

KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU (COVER) – ANGIE MCMAHON

CRY – CIGARRETTES AFTER SEX

BACK TO THE OLD HOUSE – THE SMITHS

TAKE CARE – BEACH HOUSE

I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT - LEITH ROSS

WIFE – MITSKI

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Y/N’s POV:

Dear Diary,

Here I am after about... 13 years, maybe? Maybe more. I'm an adult now and I feel stupid to write here again, but maybe that's what I need, because if I tell this to someone in my circle of friends, they will surely see me as the most horrible and dumbest person in the world, although maybe I am.

As I had already written a long time ago, I've always loved Jake, perhaps when I met him, I only appreciated him as a good friend, but over time, Jake inevitably won my heart. When I was about 15 years old, I was finally able to accept that I liked Jake, but I didn't want to say or do anything about it, I didn't want to damage our friendship because it was one of the most important things to me after growing up a bit alone in such a small town. I just didn't want to lose him.

In addition to the fact that I never consider myself pretty enough for him to like me, because… he was always a very handsome boy, he got along with everyone and had many girls behind him, but the best of all is the way he treats everyone, always friendly, looking into your eyes, paying attention to every word and movement, these details made many people (like me) fall at their feet. Their girlfriends were gorgeous and I... I was just like the song; I was a teenage dirtbag compared to all of them.

I saw him fall in love many times, I listened to him every time he told me about some girl he liked, as well as every time his heart was broken even though mine was five times more broken, but I always had a piece of advice to tell him. There was a time when Jake would ask me a lot if I liked someone, but I always told him that no one in particular, always tried to change the subject of the conversation by making the worst jokes that could exist. He also saw me have some "romantic" approaches with other people, but nothing serious, in fact, I've always tried not to tell him if I liked someone, because I could never fall in love in the full sense of the word with someone other than him.

One time, when we were... roughly 16 or 17 years old, we were at an "underground" party with Josh (it was our first party of many) where we ended up terribly drunk. I still don't understand how the police never arrested us for possession of alcohol. Well... that's not the point, the important thing here is that on that day, precisely on that day, on a random May 16, he gave me a long, passionate kiss out of nowhere, he took my face in his hands, walked over without warning, and just kissed me. Why did he kiss me? He did it because he was... drunk, as far as I know, that’s why he did it, not because he had feelings for me, even Josh was shocked by that, but I remember being petrified processing what the hell was going on. The next day I had asked Jake if he remembered what had happened at the party, but he was sure he didn't. The answer was clear, he was never attracted to me.

Just as I watched Jake grow up and he watched me grow up, I also saw how his dreams were coming true, he was finally living his best life, he had the band of his dreams along with his friend and brothers. What more could he ask for? I was happy for him, genuinely happy to see him on stage shining with his family because yes, Danny was his brother too. I attended almost all the concerts of the band and I was moved in the same way because it filled me with pride to see him at school events, then in bars to huge venues, it's something indescribable and priceless.

Now... why did I do a little recap? the problem (well, at least for me it is a problem) is that obviously a lot of time has passed and although I repeatedly had the opportunity to tell Jake how I feel, but I just never had the guts to tell him and the big problem with this is that... he is going to get married in a couple of months, he hasn't told me personally yet, in fact I found out through Josh a couple of hours ago, I don't know why Jake hasn't told me yet and I'd rather not know, but anyway tomorrow we'll go to a cafe to have breakfast, well… we are no longer young enough to spend a whole night glued to the bar, we can’t resist the same amount of alcohol in contrast to everything we used to drink when we were younger, although it’s not like we are extremely old now, but… is not the same as it was.

He has been with his girlfriend for a long time, I know her, she’s an angel, a very nice person and... I understand why Jake loves her so much, she is intelligent, nice, beautiful and is the type of person that makes you feel calm. As much as I want to, I can't hate her. I never saw her as competition because that idea seems absurd to me, besides there is no point of comparison, Jake is the Sun, she is the Moon and I am not even a star, they complement each other quite well.

______________________________________________________________

The next day, you went to the usual cafe in downtown Nashville, you were a little late and worried about leaving Jake waiting for so long, but when you entered the cafe, you didn't see him at first glance, which crushed your heart, but after looking closely, at the most hidden table, you identified his back. Despite the years, he kept his long hair, that day his hair was slicked back, and he was wearing his white cropped shirt. The years still didn't pass through his face. By this time, Jake had already removed his mustache, so he looked like he was back in his early 20s.

You gave him a little pat on the shoulder and proceeded to sit in front of him; seeing you, he greeted you with a friendly smile.

“Forgive me for being so late, I hope you didn't have to wait so long” you said while you noticed a peculiar shine in his eyes.

“Bah, don’t worry, If you took a hundred years to arrive, I would stay waiting for you all those hundred years” His answer made you feel a slight tingling in your stomach just like when you were a teenager “You are my best friend, I would wait for you as long as it was and especially because I have something magnificent to tell you” continued breaking all the charm, again -the best friend-.

“Oh yeah, well, go ahead” you said with a low-key forced smile.

“Okay, but first… let's eat something, I already ordered some pancakes, you just need to order something”

The waitress came over so you could order your breakfast; since your stomach hurt from being nervous, you only ordered a small sandwich and chamomile tea. As you and Jake ate, you kept glancing at him to see if he noticed you were looking at him and tell you why you were having breakfast together, you knew very well that it was to tell you about his wedding, you wanted to hear it come out of his mouth, but at the same time... you also wanted him not to say it and instead of inviting you to his wedding, you wanted him to tell you that his relationship with his partner had finished and then escape together from the cafeteria riding a horse with a golden mane, although you knew perfectly well that it was something very far from reality since he was apparently madly in love with his future wife. Even though you loved him, you felt bad for even imagining in the silliest way that he might change his mind about the wedding.

Jake lost his gaze in your tea to take a deep breath.

"Remember when... we said we hated Tears in Heaven?" he asked you meanwhile a giggle came out from his mouth.

Your eyes widened like two blooming flowers upon hearing his question and you answered serenely accompanied by a goofy smile "Of course I remember. And to think that Eric Clapton has praised you many times, only if he knew."

"It's that we had heard it so many times until we hated it."

“Yeah... but it's sad that baby died.” you took a sip of your tea taking away your gaze from him.

There was a moment of silence again, but Jake broke it with a sigh, "We've grown up together and we've come so far. Who knew we'd do so well in life? You as a journalist and me as a musician, everything is amazing, looking back at the things we've accomplished and now that we're in our early thirties...time goes by so fast."

"It's been a long time... now we're two adults who are doing... well, you're doing great."

"You're doing amazing too, you're one of the most recognized journalists in America."

You blushed letting out a shy smile that gradually faded "Well yes... but, I don't know, lately I haven't been feeling all that well emotionally. Sometimes I want to forget everything."

Jake frowned at your last words "Why? Is there something you want to talk about?" he leaned towards you and was looking for your gaze even though he sensed that you didn't want to look him in the eye.

"It's just... I don't even know why I feel like this" you lied "I think now I'm regretting not having done many things when I had the opportunity to do it" your gaze was lost to avoid eye contact, but Jake’s gaze was so piercing that it was hard not to see his eyes “But I don't want to ruin our breakfast so...”

"If you need to tell me something, I'll always be there for you, it doesn't matter if it's something silly for you, I'll always listen to you" he rubbed his thumb against the back of your cold hand, although you wanted to have physical contact with him, you slowly removed your hand. He was a little disappointed that you took your hand away from him, but on one hand he understood and continued "Well, we better change the subject of the conversation, don't you think?" you nodded and he continued "So... I told you to come here to tell you something extremely" this was where you realized that he was going to tell you what you already knew when you saw how his eyes lit up and his cheeks were pink; he looked genuinely happy "I haven't told you because like I told you…I can't process it but…I'm getting married!"

You feigned astonishment as you took another sip of your tea, but your heart was being crushed. As you set the cup down on the table, you looked up to meet Jake's eyes with a smile that hid pain. "Oh, Jakey. That's great! When is the wedding?"

"I knew you would be happy!" he took a sip of his tea "It will be May 16, but it won't be here, it will be in Scotland. Of course, you are invited, in fact, I would like you to help me a little with the organization"

When you heard the wedding date, you felt an emptiness in your chest and your eyes quickly began to fill with tears. The desire to cry betrayed you and began to fall from your eyes.

“Oh my god, Y/N! Are you okay?” he asked tenderly.

"Yes, yes, of course I am, I'm just... I'm very happy for you and I'm crying with happiness. That's it" once again you lied and tried to wipe away your tears.

Jake showed his perfect smile again that could collide the whole town "You had scared me for a moment" he giggled "But it makes me happy that you are happy and especially for accompanying me in important moments."

You couldn't feel bad about him, you couldn't hate him, or his fiancée, but you did hate the fact that things could be different.

While Jake was eating his breakfast calmly, you hurried to finish yours, you didn't want to be there with him anymore because you were going to keep crying and that was going to worry him.

Once you finished your sandwich and your tea you said "Well... my good old FRIEND" you made a clear emphasis on the word friend "I have to go because I have to prepare for an interview with... Tom Hiddleston, so that... I am very happy to see you and see that you are well and especially that you are getting married. As for your proposal to help you with the organization, I will have to check it and as soon as I know if I am not so busy, I will tell you" you asked for the bill of what you ate and as fast as you could... you left the cafe, not even Jake could tell you "goodbye" and on the one hand, that's how you wanted it to be because you didn't want to hear a "goodbye" from him. Also, about the interview with Tom Hiddleston, it was also fake but not impossible and you wanted to make him a little bit jealous since he knew how much you liked Tom Hiddleston when you were younger. Jake noticed that something wasn't right when he saw that later you didn't react the way he wanted, but far from feeling angry, he was very worried about you. He was hurt to see how gradually your behavior from "crying for happiness" changed to literally running away from there.

Once outside, you ran to your car and headed home. You didn't want to know anything about anyone. It was all so overwhelming it just made you want to kick Nashville to hell, be quiet and drive away.

_____________________________________________________________

Y/N’s POV:

Dear Diary.

It’s me Y/N again being ridiculous and childish as always.

I went to breakfast with Jake to give me the damn news that he's getting married. He just wanted to see me there to tell me that he will have his wedding, he also wants me to help him with the organization and honestly, I can't do it, I couldn't bear to see him again, I feel so heartbroken and embarrassed by how I acted. I felt bad for having lied to him so many times in just one day.

I know I'm being fucking selfish, I know, but I've spent a lot of time hiding my feelings for fear of losing him and now I'm losing his friendship for being weird and losing him at the same time. I feel so stupid because I don't understand why I'm reacting this way right now as an adult, because honestly with all these negative feelings, I feel like when I was in high school, and I saw him with his girlfriend from back then.

It's impossible to hate them and I never will, it's impossible, they're both so lovely but they hurt me, but do you know what triggered my crying to come out? It was the damn date, the same day that Jake ever kissed me, that same day but from now...he's getting married. It disappoints me to know that day was only important to me, but I can't do anything about it, I can't force him to love me and after all... he deserves to be happy.

I don't know if I'll be able to attend his wedding, but I definitely won't be able to help him to organize it. I'll see what excuse I'll come up with to keep my distance. I know what I'm going to do is horrible, but I need to do something for the sake of my emotional stability.

______________________________________________________________

To "calm down a bit", you spent the rest of the morning and afternoon watching movies like "My Best Friend's Wedding" and other romcoms to maybe comfort yourself a bit. You wanted to fool yourself that there was a chance you could cancel all plans and stay with Jake.

At some point in their friendship, they had said that if they both stayed single, they would get married and be together because they got along quite well, but the paths of life are not always as we want and although there were always people in love with you, you were always the maid of honor but never the bride.

When the sun set, you took the beer out of your fridge and gave in to the urge to drink one after another until you were completely drunk, although you were always aware of your actions while you were under the influence of alcohol, this time you stopped worrying about what you would do, you were so drunk that you bawled the lyrics of all those songs that expressed your pain, from Dolly Parton to The Smiths with "Back To The Old House", returning with ABBA and for the punchline: "Anna" by The Beatles. What you needed most was a hug and although anyone could give you a simple hug, you needed to feel the warm arms of your beloved Jake around you, but his hugs didn’t belong to you, they belonged to someone else, and it had always been that way. Your phone started ringing over and over again, checking who was calling you saw that the one calling you was Jake. You didn't feel like talking and you felt sorry that he realized you were crying.

"Jake?" you took the call "What happened? Do you need anything?" you asked letting out a tiny sob.

On the other end of the phone, Jake noticed that you were sobbing "Are you okay? It's just... I'm calling to ask if you're okay, I heard a weird sound and, in the morning, at breakfast, you left very quickly. You were fine and then... you left me"

When he said the last thing, your heart was crushed and you remained silent although the alcohol was nothing to cause you to confess everything, your brain was reluctant to say anything inappropriate "Oh... it's that... I told you, I had many things... to... do" your voice betrayed the amount of alcohol you were drinking "and... I had to... go"

"Are you drunk?"

"Um... kinda. Why?"

"Y/N, I've known you for a long time, obviously I'll know when you're drunk... and without me"

Jake tried to joke, but instead of making you laugh it made you sadder.

"Yes... I'm drunk, terribly drunk and yes, I'm also crying over a stupid movie. You know how sensitive I am"

Jake chuckled. "What movie are you watching?"

"Nope, I'm not going to tell you the name of this fucking movie, I don't want to ruin your day, or your week, or your month, or your life..."

"Okay? Well... I just wanted to know how you were because I was intrigued by what happened this morning and I even got upset and thought that you were mad or that I had done something that bothered you... next time you get drunk, invite me over, okay?"

"Yes Jacob... it's fine, I'll buy the drinks next time" your breathing (now calmer) could be heard.

"So... Are you sure you’re okay?"

"Yes... I am. Why? I already told you why I was crying"

"No, no, not for nothing" he sighed "I think... it's time to hang up. Anything you need I'm just a phone call or text away from you, well… you know. So bye!"

You wiped your nose with the back of your hand "Okay, I'll call you later" you moved the phone away from your ear and hung up.

Talking with him was relaxing, especially since he didn't mention anything about his wedding, apart from the fact that he had cared for you, it was very comforting to know that although his heart belonged to someone else, he would always be there for you.

Although you had kept your feelings to yourself for YEARS and had already seen him with several couples throughout this year, you had never been so scared and so sad as now. You needed immediate advice, but you were too embarrassed to give the context.

The first person you thought of was Josh, just like Jake, knows each other very well and was always close, plus you were sure that he suspected about your feelings towards his twin since the day of that mythical kiss. Either way, he was going to find out.

You texted Josh to come over telling them you needed some advice, he always had something to tell you and his advice was good thanks to his honesty, sometimes it hurt and many times it was far from what you wanted to hear, but without a doubt... it was what you had to do, and even if his mouth was full of reason, though that didn't mean you always put his advice into practice.

Josh responded quickly and agreed to come to your house, luckily his house wasn't far from yours, so it didn't take him long to get there. Once in your house, when you opened the door, he saw your red and swollen eyes, he felt your sadness and without further ado, he gave you the warmest hug that your heart needed.

"What happened?" you separated from him so that he could go inside the house.

Once inside and the two of you sitting in different armchairs you collapsed in tears "It's just... I feel so selfish for feeling like this, I should be happy and not feel so miserable."

"But if it's making you feel bad, I think it's better to let what you feel out, don't you think?"

"Just… please, I know I'm going to sound stupid, and I don't want you to judge me."

"Why should I judge you? I'm here for a reason and it's not the first time you trust me with something."

You took a deep breath to prepare yourself for what you were going to say since that would be the first time you would say it out loud and to someone else "The thing is that... it's that... I love Jake and always It's been like that but I'm a horrible person who never had the guts to tell him. Now he's going to marry a wonderful woman and he'll never know how much I love him."

Josh was extremely surprised at your confession; both of his eyes were wide open that it seemed that at any moment they would pop out “Damn...” He was silent for a few seconds to be able to process the information "I just don't know what to tell you this time and it must be one of the most horrible feelings. Why didn't you say anything to him?"

"Because I'm a coward... just because of that, because I was always embarrassed to tell him. Seeing him as he almost always got away with beautiful and intelligent girls, there was simply no chance for me, so I just watched as he was happy."

"I don't know if it's appropriate to tell you this right now" Josh sighed "but maybe if you had told him before, things would be extremely different now. Don't tell him that I told you, but some years ago he had feelings for you too, he told me almost every night, but he never did anything about it because even though you are his best friend, he always felt that you were a little cold, so he was afraid of being rejected and throwing the friendship away” he rolled his eyes “Fuck, you two are so dumb as hell. I bet if he finds out about this he's going to collapse."

"Collapse in what sense?" you said between sobs.

"Collapse in the sense that he's going to feel like an idiot" he covered his face with both hands.

"And if he loved me too, why didn't he do anything? Why did he go with other girls? Was I only his second choice? I have so many questions... that the more I think, the more it hurts."

"It's not like you were second choice to him, just that he's a cowardly fool, plus if I had no idea about you liked him, I'll bet my throat and left foot he has no idea either."

"I believe you, but it's hard for me to understand because even the date of his wedding will be on very special dat, at least for me"

"May 16" you said at the same time.

"See, you do remember that party and he doesn't, he never remembered that he kissed me"

"I had understood that at some point you two had kissed, but... I don't know why he chose that day specifically"

"Because he doesn't remember and maybe he did it before, but nowadays, I assure you that he doesn't remember"

"Assuming he finds out about this. Would you like him to dump his girlfriend?"

You kept silent because if you said yes, you were afraid Josh thinking badly of you "No, I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be happy and knowing him, knowing me, I think the best thing would be go away from him, it would be the best thing I can do, for my mental health, for his happiness and mine too. It wouldn't be fair to his fiancée if he left her on the eve of something so important."

"Sometimes you put others above yourself and that makes you not be honest with yourself, but I get it and if you think go away from Jake would make you feel better, it’s okay." he sat next to you to give you a hug again "Of course we would miss you a lot, but it's very understandable." he rubbed your shoulder with his strong hand.

"I would miss you guys a lot too" you sobbed "and in fact, I'm not going to attend their wedding or maybe I'll go for a while, but I don't think I can stand it. To make matters worse, he asked me to help him with the organization, but... I don't know how to tell him no because I don't want to lie to him anymore, that was enough lies, today I told him I had to interview Tom Hiddleston to get away from him."

"Why don't you write him a letter? You're good at writing and maybe it's easier for you to write about you feel than to tell him"

"Well... that would be less humiliating, but I think I would have to find the most prudent moment to give it to him"

You two continued the conversation, Josh made you laugh but sometimes the crying came back and you cursed yourself because you felt your behavior was childish but Josh made you understand that your feelings were valid, after all you spent SO MANY years holding them back and at some point moment, like a bomb, they were going to explode, and although some people say that time heals all, time never healed your love for Jake.

When Josh left, you were already calmer, down to earth and you didn't feel dizzy either, so you took a blank sheet of paper and a pencil, it was here where you would leave all your love for Jake.

______________________________________________________________

Dear Jacob,

First, I want to thank you for so many years of friendship, for so many experiences together, drunkenness, concerts, sad moments and of course, happy moments. I'm glad to know how much we spent together.

I recently found out that at some point, you used to feel something for me, something more that you wouldn't feel for a friend, but you never said anything because you were afraid that I would reject you, although that didn’t stop you from going your way. For better or worse, these feelings...were and are mutual to this day, however, my pride never let me be honest even with myself, and I didn't have the guts to tell you face to face either, but now it's too late.

This letter is not to reproach you or complain, but this is to tell you how much I love you and that I want you to be happy, but just as I want you to be happy, I also want to be happy too after repressing my feelings and desires for a very long time, so it's my time to go. Although we are adults, I want you to know I need time to grow and to exist. I don't want you to feel guilty, finally the one who fell in love was me.

I want to leave you in peace because you deserve to be happy, you and your fiancée are two amazing people who deserve everything, I want your dreams to continue to come true, that your life with her is prosperous and that the love you have between you stays strong. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but please don't look for me, I just know that I'll come back at the right time. I’ll take advantage of this trip to grow emotionally and professionally, I think I will be in Latin America to continue doing my job as a journalist. But please, again I implore you not to look for me, we both must live and continue our lives.

As you can guess, I won’t be able to assist to your wedding, I know that you are probably thinking that I am selfish, but I’m doing this for the good of both of us, it wouldn’t be healthy even for you

Promise me you'll be fine and happy.

Without more to say, thank you for everything, I will always be grateful to you, and I understand that things happen for a reason, and I love you, I love you so much that that is why I am leaving you so that we can exist.

I have no hard feelings, so... I’ll let you go, and I love you Jacob, but you're not mine.

See you soon.

Sincerely, Y/N

______________________________________________________________

While you were writing, the tears were present, remembering every beautiful moment you had with him, from the time he sang to you on your birthday with his beautiful smile, the first concert you attended together, the prom, when he announced that a label record company offered them a contract. Thanks to the friendship between you and Jake, you learned a lot of things, you lived the most wonderful experiences, but it was time to close cycles, perhaps in Latin America you would find another vision of things, start over, and maybe meet another person with whom to share beautiful moments as well as with Jake, but with reciprocated feelings for the other.

You decided to go to sleep because you had that tired feeling that comes after crying a lot. What motivated you a little bit was thinking that tomorrow would be a different day and that anything could await you. Although it was difficult to admit it, there was still a small hope that Jake would tell you that all this time he has loved you with madness and passion, even if it sounded silly and fanciful.

After sleeping like a baby, you woke up tangled with the sheets of your bed, you felt your pillow a little wet, you thought it could have been your saliva, but it was because even when you were asleep you cried a little.

You rubbed your eyes to see a little clearer and thus get up, once out of bed, you immediately went for a glass of water. You took your phone and there were several missed calls from Jake, when you saw the notifications, you felt your stomach shrink and you were even tempted not to call him back to unsettle him a bit, but you couldn't do that kind of thing to him.

“Hi, what’s up?” you greeted.

"Are you okay? Are you feeling okay?"

"Jacob, I don't know what you're talking about. Why do you say that?" you were really disconcerted because although obviously you weren't well, it was strange that he was worried out of nowhere.

"Oh…it's just, well, I'm not supposed to tell you this" he paused a bit.

"Tell me what?"

"It's just...I was talking to Josh last night and honestly...we were talking about you for most of the call. He's worried about you, he told me he'd been to see you and that you looked really bad, like sick and depressed, so I told him that it made sense because I told him what happened at the cafe"

You started to worry because you thought Josh had ratted you out, but you decided not to go any further.

"Did he tell you just that?"

"Yes, it was just that. Why?"

"No, no, it's just... he has a point"

"Y/N, please how can I help you? I'm shocked and worried for you as you have no idea"

You didn't answer, you stayed silent, and you could only hear how you were breathing. You wanted to cry, but you were able to contain your tears.

"It's just... emotionally I haven't felt good, I'm far from feeling good and I've repressed myself for a long time to the point that it's affecting me mentally"

"If you want to tell me something specific, I'm here, I listen to you and if you want, I can drive you home. Whatever you need"

"I have many things to tell you, there are many things you should know but now is not the right time" you sighed "Is that why you called me?"

"Oh... well, in this case, I understand that you don't want to talk about this right now, but when you tell me we can meet" you imagined his smile at that moment "and yes, I called you precisely because of that, also I felt that our last call was a biting and I got even more concerned about what Josh told me."

"Oh, sorry if I sounded rude or something, but I really wasn't very open to talking to you."

"Did I do or say something to upset you?"

"I don't want to go into details, but it's not something you need to worry about. In fact, I have something to give you as soon as possible."

"Well, I have the night off tonight, we could have a drink. If you want, I could ask my fiancée to join us and spend quality time the three of us"

You rolled your eyes because the last thing you wanted was for someone else to be there, you just wanted to have time with him, alone "Come on Jake, I don't want to be the third wheel" you snorted.

"But it's not the first time we'd do it, we did a double date once, do you remember? You were with that guy who was a Weezer fan"

"Pff... that happened a long time ago" you forced a giggle "of course I remember, but you said it yourself, it was a double date and now I would go completely alone. I would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us. I don't have nothing against her, but it's something a little... more personal"

"Okay? I think I know where this is going"

"No Jake, you have no idea, I bet you"

Jake laughed "It's not like you're going to tell me that all this time you were in love with me, you're so unpredictable that I could expect anything but that from you"

The slight smile that was on your face was disappearing, sometimes you felt like pushing him or kicking his butt because of how silly he was, finally you didn't expect much because even though he was cute and you loved him a lot, he was a man.

"Don't get your hopes up, Jake" you tried to joke although you were discouraged "but aside from any joke or whatever you think it is... it's something extremely important, almost confidential, but as I told you, I won't give you more details"

"Okay, okay, I get it" he made his usual giggle that made you feel butterflies in your stomach "At the usual bar?"

"Yep, the usual bar"

Throughout the day you were checking flights to Argentina, Brazil, Chile and Mexico, it distracted you a little from the pain to decide which country you would go to start over. You finally chose to go to Mexico since you had family there and that way you wouldn't be so alone.

You were constantly stopping to think if what you were doing was the right thing, you even considered that you were being very impulsive, but you couldn't keep holding back like that either. It was now or never. You finally bought your ticket to Mexico City at 10:30am for tomorrow. After buying your ticket, you were looking for an Airbnb to stay for a week while you got an apartment and work there. Maybe you were being a little impulsive, but you knew it was best for Jake and you.

You were looking forward to the night, but your stomach hurt a little from the nerves, however it was something controllable. You planned almost everything you would say to him to avoid any undesirable situation, even if you were already in an undesirable situation. You most likely knew things weren't going to go your way, but you still stuck to your "plan."

Basically, your plan was to extend the conversation and just before leaving, you were going to give him your letter explaining that he had to read it when he was calm and comfortable, that it was not necessary for him to read at that moment, but alone.

It was time to go to the bar, you didn't try to get ready, it was just a pair of mom jeans, a plain black long-sleeved shirt, a cardigan, and a red scarf, it wasn't really cold, but you liked your scarf, besides that made you feel protected at times like these. Also, your makeup was very simple, you just put a little eyeliner that adorned your sad eyes. You took your letter and put it in an envelope, it had no decoration or anything like that, you just sprayed a little of your usual perfume so that it would not be something so apparently simple, because what really mattered was each word that was written on the sheet of paper.

On the way, you were playing with your fingers, also every so often you were rubbing your hands on your lap to remove the sweat from them. The driver saw you so nervous that he avoided making conversation with you, a gesture that you appreciated with a generous five stars as a review.

From outside you could hear the band that played that night in the bar, it was a cover band that didn't sound bad. By this time, Greta Van Fleet were already among the most popular bands in the United States, so it was common to hear everywhere followed by songs by Aerosmith, Queen and other rock greats, so you could hear from the parking lot that they were playing "Highway Tune", you immediately thought that if Jake was already inside, he was probably with a smile full of pride... or maybe he was carefully observing every movement of the guitarist to see if he was doing it right.

You stopped before you texted Jake to see if he was here yet, if so he would probably be at the farthest table so it was important to know where he was. He took a while to answer you, but he had told you that he was indeed already at the bar.

Once inside, you looked for the table next to the window on the left side and there he was, he looked... calm and that's how you wanted to remember him.

He was watching you, his face lit up with a smile like that of a child who sees his mother after a long day at school.

"Y/N, it's good that you're here! I'm all ears, tell me what you want. Shall I ask you for something?"

"Jake! Wait, I'll go to ask for my drink, I'll be right back" you left your bag on the chair where you were going to sit and quickly went to order a rum and coke without ice and preferably more rum than coke. Once you had it in your hands, you took a sip and said to yourself "Tonight is going to be worth it if it's going to be our last night" when you returned to your place, you settled in front of Jake and gave him a look full of nostalgia.

"Hey Y/N What's up? Why are you looking at me like that?" he said worried as the band played "Anna" by the Beatles.

"It's just... all this fills me with nostalgia, and I would like things to be like before"

"But it hasn't been long since we last went out drinking with the boys."

"No, it's not that" you took a sip from your glass "I mean something else, we are becoming more and more adults and our lives are taking a different course due to small actions of the past"

"Why?" He took a long drink from his beer.

"It's just... every day I regret more of what I didn't do before and that makes me so sick that it's affecting my relationship with other people, even... with you" you took off your scarf and left it on the back of the chair.

"If so, I think you do not have to worry, we have so many years of friendship, we know everything about each other, we have listened to each other so much. Honestly, many of the best things would not have happened to me if I hadn't met you, in fact Greta Van Fleet wouldn't have had the same popularity that we have now" he smiled and took another drink, now shorter "now that I'm saying this, do you remember when everyone said that we were going to end up married?"

Your eyes widened like a pair of white plates and you shook your head, obviously you remembered perfectly well, but you pretended you didn't.

"They always thought that at some point we would end up together or something and look at us now. Our friendship will last until the end of the world, so if you feel bad... just tell me” You wanted to be angry with him for saying things so hurtful to you, but you couldn't be mad at him for two simple reasons: one, he had no idea how you felt about him and two, he was Jake.

"Jake, look, I have a lot of things to tell you, you have no idea how much I want to tell you everything that has me wrong, but it will be a little later, right now I want to clear my head, I know that we are here together to talk about what worries me , but first I want to be... happy because this may be the last time I see you"

Jacob immediately put on the most serious face you've ever seen "How could this be the last time I see you? What are you going to do?"

"Remember I told you I had something for you?"

He nodded.

"Well, it has something to do with -it-"

"But what about my wedding?" he paused with an incredulous face "Ah, I think I know where this is going! Surely it has something to do with my bachelor party, right?"

You wanted to slap him and tell him everything at once, but you just shrugged your shoulders with a forced smile. The band now played something more relaxed, they opted to play an acoustic version of Juliet by Cavetown.

"Well, that doesn't matter right now, we're going to drink in the wildest way possible like in our old days" Jake said lifting his beer.

"Like pirates?" you asked with a tender but melancholic gaze.

"Like Pirates"

Beer after beer and rum after rum, you laughed at every nonsense word that sounded funny in your head, it really was like going back in time to when you were about 23 years old and going from bar to bar in different countries to have a good time along with the rest of the band. Although going out with them was frequent, the outings with them became more and more serious, it was no longer for fun, they were already to relieve stress and due to the responsibilities of each one, it was already more difficult to meet with the whole band.

"Hey Jake, does she have a problem with you getting drunk with me?"

Jake snorted and slowly answered "No, not at all…she knows…and she trusts you a lot"

They soon drifted off topic and continued talking about the absurd things of their day to day, even Jake let it slip to tell you that his fiancée was sometimes very scolding with him for not being as organized as she was and that sometimes he felt like a child little boy with her, he loved her but there were many things that he disliked. You might as well draw him out and screw the wedding, but you weren't cruel enough to do it.

The night progressed until it was your time to go, you had had a good time with him, you laughed a lot and remembered many beautiful things, but it was time to put your feet on the ground.

"I haven't laughed like I did right now for days" you giggled "but it's time to go, I have to get my things ready for tomorrow"

"Are you going somewhere?"

"You will know"

You took your bag and got up from the chair, but Jake took your hand, you felt his calluses from the tips of his fingers on the back of your hand. Your gaze met his and although both of you were a little dizzy, clearly his gaze was expressing what you wanted so much to see reflected in his eyes. It was love.

"Y/N…please stay" he whispered.

"No Jake, I can't. It's too late for this"

Now his hand was holding you tighter and at any moment he could have dropped to his knees to beg you to stay with him.

"Please stay with me, I want you to be by my side forever"

"Jake, you're saying this because you're drunk. You're just talking incoherently and that's enough because... you're hurting me" he let go of your hand without any another word and settled back into his chair.

"I'm sorry, but it's just... there are things I can't say when I'm sober"

"Well, I would really appreciate it if you would tell me sober and not like that because once you kissed me when you were drunk and while you forgot about it the next day, it meant a lot to me all my life!" everything began to get out of control and without shame, you began to cry in front of him, with that you had said everything and without having to give him the letter.

Jake looked at you in disbelief, he was trying to decipher what you had just said, because he didn't know if it was a reproach, or you were confessing your love. You began to rummage through your bag to pull out the letter and hand it to her.

"Here's what I wanted to give you" again his eyes met yours "read it when you can, as long as you're alone" without further ado, you took your phone to put it in your bag and almost ran out of the bar. It was so fast Jake couldn't even stop you...again.

You ran far from the parking lot and ordered an uber to take you home. Coincidentally, the same driver who brought you to the bar was the same one who came to pick you up, but this time, he saw that you were crying and before starting he told you "You're still very young, I bet whoever made you cry will have a really bad time" you thanked him for his words and the car started straight home.

He was so shocked and completely speechless, he just stood there by the hand with the envelope in his hands. They had to spend a few seconds to sat down and run both hands through his hair.

As the band played "Back to The Old House," Jake desperately tore open the envelope and pulled out your letter. He turned the letter over both sides, he was looking at the details of the page and then he started to read it. At first, his expression was serious, but as he was reading, his heart was shrinking, and he felt that singular sting that appears when you want to cry.

He had mixed feelings, he didn't know if he was angry with himself or with you and he didn't know if he was sad either, but as soon as he finished reading your letter, he picked up his phone to call you. Looking up from him, he saw that you dropped your red scarf and took it to hold it close to him.

When your phone started ringing, you answered the call by inertia, not even checking that Jake was calling you.

"Y/N...you forgot your scarf"

You turned to see your things and covered your face with your right hand "You can keep it; I can't go back" you said between sobs.

"Hey, listen, I already read your letter..."

"It's too late to talk about this"

"But I want to talk about your letter"

"But I don't want to, please"

"But why not?"

"Because it's late, didn't you hear?!"

"It's just... it's just... I'm mad that you didn't tell me sooner! You make me between a rock and a hard place! Why are you doing this to me right now?" he was crying too, her helplessness was more than her sadness.

"Because I just couldn't take it anymore, Jake! I've been holding it in for a long time and I can't anymore!" the crying got even louder "and I'm also mad at myself for not telling you sooner, but anyway, there's nothing to do. Tomorrow I'm out of here"

"Y/N, please don't do this to me right now, I need you, I want you to stay with me"

"Jake... you already have someone to stay with you for a long time"

"I'll come see you tomorrow"

"I already told you, I beg you not to look for me anymore. Let me exist in peace, every day that passes the pain that you are not with me becomes more intense and it is not fair for you because you are already happy, I am supposed to I'm fine, but I'm not. Please, it's about time we went our separate ways" you snorted "You know something? I'm at the uber and the poor driver is listening to all this. I'm going to hang up because it's embarrassing" without further ado you ended the call and apologized to the driver.

"Don't worry, I didn't pay attention to your conversation, anyway, if it's any consolation... things happen for a reason, everything has a reason to be and exist, I know that the current outlook for you is bleak, but the universe arranges things in a certain way to obtain learning"

The rest of the way was silent until you got home, you thanked the driver and finally walked through your front door. Once inside, you desperately ran to your room to grab your suitcase and put your clothes inside it along with other important things. Your tears were still rolling down your cheeks and Jake kept calling you insistently.

Again, you took the call just to see how things would end and at least give a calmer end to all this "Jake, now what?"

"Are you home already?"

You thought about your answer because if you said you were at home, he would come to see you "No... not yet"

"Can we talk about your letter now? I don't want things to end like this" he sounded very desperate.

"Me neither... and sorry for reacting like that"

"You don't have to apologize, finally... I said a lot of things that could have hurt you, but I didn't know I was doing it, in fact I never thought you loved me that way"

They were both speechless, only Jake's light crying, and your sobs could be heard, that was all.

"Jake... I'm already home"

"Can I go to see you?"

"Just for a while because I don't want to sleep so late"

While you waited for Jake to arrive, you continued to pack your things and arrange the small backpack that you would carry during your flight. You were beginning to regret your desperate journey. What would happen to your family and your house? So you decided to stay in Mexico for a little while to try out what life is like there and take it as a vacation instead of making it your whole life.

The doorbell rang twice and it was obviously Jake. You weren't in much of a rush to get downstairs and to the door, but once you opened it, Jake hurried inside your house.

"I need to talk about it" he said taking the letter.

"What do you want to know?" you asked closing the door "everything you need to know is there, the one who should make the questions should be me"

"I'm an open book. Let's get this over with." he flopped down on the loveseat and rubbed his hands against his skinny legs.

"In all honesty... do you remember that time you kissed me?"

"Yes, I know what happened, but I don't remember when exactly"

"It was a May 16..."you said.

Jake looked up to meet yours, her face reflecting surprise "I swear I... I didn't remember the date"

"I noticed, but I don't entirely blame you, finally you were drunk, and we were two dumb teenagers." You were still standing in front of him until Jake patted the couch twice for you to sit next to him. Once at his side you continued with your questions "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me if you liked me so much? I know I did the same, but I already explained my reasons, all you need to do is tell me what happened "

"It's just..." he moistened his lips "even though you're my best friend, I always felt you a little... you know, distant, very serious, cold and that you were never going to fall in love with a person as disastrous as me. Simply because you and I are polar opposites, and that's why I thought that our thing was not going to work, plus I was very afraid that you would reject me and therefore make our friendship uncomfortable. But I saw that our friendship anyway, now it depends on a thread, and I could lose you sooner than I thought. Frankly, I've always loved you, it's just that for a long time I gave up the idea that one day you would be with me, and this doesn't mean that I don't love my fiancée, but I just... gave up. It obviously hurt every time I saw you with a guy, even though I knew they were just casual dates, but still…the pain was there. I know that you can misunderstand the fact that I have gone out with some girls, because I did love them, but I never felt the same intensity as with you"

You began to play with your hands and avoided looking into his eyes "Finally we're not so -opposites- we're both scaredy idiots" you let out an unfunny laugh "we could have had it all but because of the damn fear we lost it all, too late to make amends, so I think it's best that we just let's go our way"

Jake turned to you "I wouldn't say it's late"

"Jake, the dice were already rolled from the start. Of course, it's already late, you’ll be taking a very important step in your life, don't do something rash impulsively, don't hurt your fiancée, she's a very nice person and she genuinely loves you"

He was desperately looking for your eyes and your hands "It no longer makes sense for us to keep hiding what we feel, I admit it, you too, what difference does it make?" he came even closer to you and took your hands tightly "Let's go to Latin America together, let's run away together like when we used to sneak out at night to go to parties"

You let go of your right hand and took his chin gently "But this isn't a party, this is real life and… I'm leaving tomorrow" you pushed his hand away and continued "besides, that wouldn't be the right thing to do, it would be very hurtful for your fiancée, you can't leave her like this a couple of months before a wedding" Jake shook his head, directing his gaze to his hands and you continued "So... if you want to do things right, settle your affairs first and then come to find me."

"How am I supposed to find you?" he asked you with a bit of desperation.

"You'll know, but for now, if that's what you want…you know what to do"

He looked at you with a certain sadness, he didn't know whether to direct his gaze because he also felt a little embarrassed to turn to look at your eyes. Even though you really wanted to hold his hands and peck every inch of his face, you were thinking about how his fiancée would feel if she found out that you two kissed, so in solidarity with her, you refrained from kissing him. The only thing left now was to wait.

Jake got up from the love seat and scratched the back of his neck, still looking down "Well, I think we heard the things we needed to tell each other” You nodded biting your thumb nail "it's too late and... I think I have to go now; you'll need a lot of sleep for your flight tomorrow."

"Thanks for coming Jake... I really needed this" you also got up after him. He gave you a soft smile but still a little sadness in his eyes. You felt a little bad seeing him like that so as he headed for the door, you slowly approached his back and then hugged him just as he was about to touch your doorknob making it stop completely.

Tears welled up in your eyes quickly, there was no way to stop your tears. When Jake felt your arms wrap around his back, he reached for your arms so he could turn to you and hold you like it was always meant to be "I'm going to do the right thing, I promise I'll do the right thing" he gently brought your head close to his chest; you could hear every strong beat of his heart.

You lasted a few minutes hugging until Jake left your house. Before he opened the door of his car he exclaimed "I'll come for you! Please wait for me!"

"I’ll be waiting! If you took a hundred years to arrive, I would stay waiting for you all those hundred years!” you exclaimed watching as he closed the door of his car.

Once inside your house, you leaned against the door and let yourself fall. It took so many years to confess your feelings, something that looked so easy but was so complicated to do. You needed to hit rock bottom to change your situation. You needed to sleep to get up early and go to the airport, what was next in your life was to let yourself be surprised by the wonders of life in Mexico and wait for Jake to come for you, but not in the sense of rescuing you like a princess, but to accompany you on your new adventure. Once in your bed, you tucked yourself in and it didn't take long for your eyes to close. The day ended with a small smile on your face.

On the other hand, Jake was on his way home, still reflecting on what had just happened, he still couldn't believe that you were keeping your feelings to yourself for so long, although he couldn't help but think that he was also stupid for not telling you before. Along the way, the best he could do was call his best friend who was also his twin.

After two unanswered calls, Josh finally answered the phone on the third call. With his sleepy voice it was heard as he said "hello" almost like a whisper.

"Josh... it's me" Jake said eagerly.

"I know it's you. Don't you think it's too late to call me right now?"

"Yes, yes, I know it's late, but I have something to tell you” There was no response from Josh other than the slight sound of his breathing "Josh... I'm not getting married"

The curly-haired brother's eyes widened, and he jumped up from the bed "Don't fuck with me, what the fuck did you do? Did you cheat on her?"

"No, of course not," Jake replied indignantly, "I just…I've been pondering if I really want to spend my whole life with her under a stronger commitment than just living together."

"It has nothing to do with Y/N right?"

"I'd like to say no, but actually yes"

"I knew it! I knew this was going to happen!" he hit the mattress with his right hand frantically "And you know it perfectly well, I always told you to tell Y/N before someone got hurt and now her and your fiancée are or will be hurt."

"I know and I feel stupid, I just did a drama at Y/N's house and I just went to make a fool of myself, but it doesn't matter because... honestly, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.”

"Maybe you don't feel that pain anymore that you used to have every time Y/N dated a person, but what I'm really worried about is how you're going to tell your girlfriend...fiancée or whatever that you're not getting married anymore. "

"I don't know…" he sighed and scratched the back of her neck "I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it; besides, Y/N is going to Mexico tomorrow and I think she'll be there for a long time.”

"I did know that, she'll be there for a long time, I think she wants to start things over there."

"Why did you not tell me?" he hit the steering wheel "Maybe I could have stopped her from leaving and we could have worked things out."

"No Jake, obviously I wasn't going to tell you that she was leaving because you were busy with your stuff, plus I'm sure she didn't want you to know, and I had to respect that"

Jake was overwhelmed with despair and conflict. "I told her that I wasn't getting married anymore and that... I would come back for her." His eyes began to get teary.

His brother let out a long sigh of desperation and anguish "Jake, brother... don't make promises if you can't keep them."

"Why do you say I can't keep it?" Jake raised his voice.

"Let's face it, it's going to take you too long to tell her you don't want to get married anymore. I know you so well."

Jake was upset with what his brother had just told him, however, he knew he was telling the truth, telling his now ex-fiancée was going to be extremely difficult, but sooner or later he had to do it, besides, he had just had the lesson of his life about saying things and being honest with the people around himself.

He drove to his house, parked the car and when he entered, there was that girl with whom he wanted to take a step forward by marrying her. She had fallen asleep in the couch that was looking at the window to see him arrive. She apparently thought of staying up to wait for him, but her sleep defeated her.

She really was a very good woman, you could see that she genuinely loved Jake, she cared a lot about him, trusted him and was willing to do anything for him, almost like you, the only difference between her and you it was that Jake was with her, but you loved him just the same.

When Jake saw her asleep, he felt a lump in his throat, because he knew how much she loved him and it would break her into a thousand pieces to know that he no longer wanted to marry her, much less... continue with a relationship that was not reciprocal. She gave a lot and Jake apparently did too, but the truth was that he was never going to love her the same way.

He sat down next to her, looked at her face carefully, from her long eyelashes to the small pimple that appeared on her right cheek. It didn't take long for Jake to remove the hair that covered her forehead, although he did it carefully, it made her wake up. Opening her eyes, her lips curved into a smile until she met Jake's anguished face. "What's up, baby?" she asked her.

Jake didn't answer her question, he kept stroking her hair. She was silent for a few minutes until he said "Nothing, nothing's wrong. Keep sleeping" he closed his conversation with her with a small kiss on her forehead, releasing a small tear that rolled from his eyes to her cheek.

"We talk tomorrow, okay?" The woman with long dark hair nodded with the same smile as before and continued with her deep sleep while Jake kept looking at her sadly thinking about how he was going to put an end to his problem, although surely one of them would get hurt, well, he had two options : stay with his fiancée, make her happy but break the promise he had made to the love of his life and therefore, leave her waiting in another country, or leave his fiancée with a strong pain that will cost her a lot to forget but keep his promise.

TO BE CONTINUED

#fanfic #fanfiction #music #my writing #jake gvf #jake kiszka #greta van fic #greta van fleet #angst #greta van fluff #fluff #female reader #gvf fanfiction #gvf angst #josh kiszka #sam kiszka #danny wagner

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