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apollo-cackling · 9 months

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🔥 on malazan, if you don't mind!

[I'm ~1/3 done reading HoC for context]

oh hmm what's an actual unpopular malazan opinion? pretty sure "I would defend Felisin with my goddamn life" is at least a contested opinion on the subreddit, but most folks agree on that here uhhh. here's a few scattershot opinions, hope at least one of them are unpopular:

I do rather like the opening to House of Chains? I saw several people say they didn't like it/that Karsa wasn't interesting enough to carry it, and I don't know if that's the general opinion or an outlier that I stumbled upon but yk. disagree it was fun watching him fuck around and find out + the Silanda reveal (and the other worldbuilding stuff) was really goddamn cool. I wouldn't say it's in my list of favourite malazan parts but it's nowhere near the bottom

Siege of Capustan was a really compelling sequence, but between it and Toc's PoV, somewhere along the line the Pannions(' brutality) broke my suspension of disbelief a little? I've never really liked gorey evil empires though lol tbf

the malazan marine POVs are generally pretty solidly mid-tier for me? they're still good, just outclassed by the other POVs (so say Felisin in DG and Itkovian/the Envy entourage in MoI)

I get that this is more a "we didn't really have the opportunity to see it" thing than anything else bc clearly it does happen (Felisin on the transport ship to the otataral mines) but I wish it wasn't mostly non-Malazans perpetrating (onscreen) sexual violence not sure on the implications on that one. ...although I have seen something to the implication that these books are in part in-universe propaganda? nvm going to reserve judgment on this one

#thanks for the ask!#my rambles #this got pretty rambly + messy idk how much sense it makes lol #+ memory's a bit fuzzy rn sorry for anything that causes #always a lil nervous talking about malazan stuff lol bc ik for a fact I'm missing so many pieces #actually one thing I find really interesting about Karsa right is how much of a self-imposed problem he is?#like iirc there were >0 parts where at that point he just wanted to get back to genabackis to...#reveal the lies the Teblor have been living under?? forgot but anyway the malazans keep chasing him which is how he ended up with leoman #which like #ties into another thing I really love about the setting right there's so many supremely powerful people it's like natural disasters #I don't believe in punitive justice but like. karsa's killed and hurt this many people and the best course of action is to let him go #not bc he's repented or changed or anything just bc we don't think he has a reason to do it again is yk. bleak #did I write the 'I love the way the malazan setting goes yes gods are human. and that's *horrifying*' post #cool stuff!#note that I took the race science stone tablet to be an in universe fuckup bc *gestures at the state of the Teblor*#if it's not actually a fuckup my liking of this section's going to go down a few notches though #also tbf to the malazan marines they're pretty top notch execution of what they're going for #the thing they're going for just isn't my thing though lol #malazan #ask #ask game

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queenharumiura · 9 months

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🎂+ "Did you even notice me or am I just a replacement for Juudaime?" ((you already know who this is from))

Today is the day I celebrate Haru because of her shorthand (86) and I'll answer any questions. [x] ||Time's up! No longer accepting!|| I do know this is to take place in the future, so I'm taking some creative liberties as I don't exactly know how things lead up to them being a thing, so bear with me.

“Huh. Fuck.” What was the saying, tongue in cheek? It would be better for her to keep her silence and storm off in a fit of anger, but she was told to be honest and to not hold back, hm? She looks down at the piece of paper giving her directions for the day. All she knew was that she was going to have a strong word with a certain mun later for this horrendous idea of hers. When can a Haru ever have peace? “So this is how we’re ending things tonight with the questions? Okay.”

She honestly thought that she was safe and free, and yet everything snowballed at night, and look at this now. She’s ending things off with a bang, hm?

“You know, I expected something more out of you than this, Gokudera.” A derisive snort, “You waited until now to ask because I have to be honest and you didn’t trust me otherwise, is that it?” A relationship had to be built on top of trust, and she was being made to feel that he didn’t trust her. That deep down he felt that she still had a flame for Tsuna.

He didn’t believe that she loved him, and for someone who wore her heart on her sleeve, he’d effectively taken her love and slapped her in the face with it, thinking that he was just a replacement. This entire situation left a bad taste in her mouth both figuratively and literally. She could taste the blood from her biting so hard on her lower lip in anger.

Her line of vision kept shifting on different spots on the ceiling as she was trying to calm herself to not just launch into a slew of explicatives. Deep breath in and deep breath out, keep the tears at bay. Staring at the ceiling in an attempt to keep her composure for long enough to not break down into tears as she’s forced to address this.

There were a few things to note about Haru and her speech patterns. When she stopped referring to herself in third person, she was being very serious, and the moment she ever utters a curse word, you know you messed up, royally.

“I sure am curious though. Is this something you came up with yourself, or is it because you hear things other say about me and now you doubt me?” Don’t worry, regardless of the answer she’s still mad at you. You still went and fucked up. Mun-san really had a lot to make up for, that’s for sure.

She takes a deep breath in, holds it for a few seconds before she exhales, trying to release a lot of her frustrations with it. She managed to center herself with that one. “When I gave upon Tsuna-san all that time ago after exhausting everything I could try, that was the end of things. I had a clean break with my feelings. I did all that I could to have him see my way, but it didn’t work. I did try to hide it and I don’t know how well I did at that, but I was a mess sometimes because of it all.” She hated the fact that she was being made to admit to anything and everything.

“Did you think I didn’t know who he was pining for? Sure, I’m a stupid woman as you say, but I won’t have anyone come here and tell me that I was in the wrong for trying. The stupidest thing you can do is NOT try and lament that it never happened. I did my best to appeal to Tsuna-san. I did everything I could to try something… ANYTHING, but nothing came of it. What came out of it? Me understanding that it wasn’t going to work out. After that, all I needed to do was sever my feelings and move on.”

She says it as if it was an easy thing to do, but it wasn’t. She needed time to come to terms with the futile efforts and to understand that this was going to be viewed as a waste of time to everyone else.

“I don’t regret all that I did then, as I learned a lot from him. I developed some skill sets that I’m proud of to this day. Everyone else may think that my time spent pinning for him was a waste of time, but I see it as my journey of going through my first love and seeing it to the end. Some people can get stuck and get hung up on it forever, but I’m not like that. When I stopped loving him, that was the end of it. It was time for the next stage of my life, whatever that was.”

If she had to regret anything, it was the amount of emotional baggage that followed her after the fallout of her feelings for Tsuna. “I know that others pitied me for my futile efforts… and I know I probably looked stupid to a lot of them (if not all of them). I pretended to not see it, even if it was coming from those I cared about.” It was one thing to be pitied by random people, but to be pitied by your friends and family? It was the absolute worst. They were seeing her at her lowest, but she kept a smile on her face, pretending to not see it. Haru thought that it would hurt more if she let them know that she saw the looks.

It would be worse to acknowledge it and have them be more discreet about it.

“Ahh… fuck” she ruffles her fingers through her bangs, “there was a time where I really thought I’d be okay with being a shadow woman if only it meant he’d notice me when he thought to look down.” A scoff. “It’s stupid, how low I was at that time. Just how badly I was willing to degrade myself to relegating myself to being a shadow.” She really hated that part of her. It disgusted her every time she recalls that.

She shouldn’t have ever thought that way or spoken that way, even if at one point it may have been a joke. That’s the thing with jokes, they can feel real once you say them enough. She’s irritated on all accounts now as she’s reeling over the real question at hand and the memories relating to the question. “Do you just want me to stay hung up on the past? You just won’t let me get past it to heal and feel better about myself, will you?” She’s biting back with her own words. “Does it make you feel better to kick me down when I’ve already done that enough? Was my self-confidence and self-love tanking not enough? You have to kick me down too? Is there a point to this? Is it a game to see who can break me worse?”

What was that about holding back tears? Well, she tried.

“You know, I always wanted to have an average life by getting married to someone who loved me and start a family one day—but I can’t have that. By some twist of fate, I am affiliated with the mafia. I can’t just love a civilian and expect them to follow me into the Mafia. That then involves their family too by extension. I don’t have other options available to me. I lied to myself telling myself that it’d be okay if I was alone moving forwards. It’s too late for me to go back to being a regular civilian. I gave up on one of my dreams to stay with you all.”

That is to say that she treasured the bonds she made with everyone more than her dream of having a happily married life with some normal guy. She would’ve been plenty happy with that. Not to be a narcissist, but she would make a great wife! She’s wasting her potential here, you know?

Damn it, she couldn’t stop the tears from flooding down her face NO THANKS TO SOMEONE. She stopped as she was hectically rubbing at her cheeks, trying to wipe away the tears. Well, the show must go on, right? You wanted the full truth, after all. She won’t have anyone accusing her of wasting time by stalling.

“I already had the reputation of being the silly woman who pined after Tsuna-san for so long. That moniker will never leave me for as long as I live, I’m sure. People are going to talk and make whatever they will about my interpersonal relationships with others. They’re going to suspect that I still hold a torch for Tsuna-san, or that I’m secretly hoping for Kyoko-chan to reject him or what have you.” It was so tough on her to think that’s how people may perceive her character.

She spent the majority of her life being a regular civilian girl. She wasn’t some conniving person who lusted after power. She wasn’t someone who was willing to do any underhanded means to get what she wanted either. She was just an innocent girl who wholeheartedly loved the wrong person.

“I didn’t want to fall for anyone else associated with the Vongola. I knew that people would talk, assume that I was using them as a replacement. I didn’t want to be the reason for any of you to be looked down on. I… I’m not worth your reputations being sullied because of me.” Haru walks over to a chair and brings her knees to her chest, hiding her crying face in her knees. “I trusted that you’d believe me.” We see where that got her.

“I was fine with anyone viewing me as the worst if only my lover trusted me. That alone would be worth it. Maybe I could prove myself in the eyes of others if they saw just how much I loved you but I can’t even convince YOU that you’re the only one that I have in my heart?”

What was the point then? What is a relationship without trust at a bare minimum?

This is incredibly heartbreaking.

“You deserve someone who makes you feel confident in the fact you’re the only one for them, and I deserve someone who doesn’t doubt me even when I gave them everything that I had to offer. If with all the love I had to give you, you still had an ounce of doubt in me, I can’t stay here. I don’t deserve this.” She may have trampled her self-worth when she was pining over Tsuna, but she made a promise to herself to not do that again.

“If you truly think that you’re just a replacement for me, consider today the last time you can call me your girlfriend. I’m NOT tolerating this bullshit. Not from you.”

It’s past midnight and that’s the last of the questions she was accepting for the night, so she storms out the questioning room to cry for the rest of the night.

#whiskeysmultimuse #Meme answered #Answered ask #Thanks for the ask!#Haru speaks #((In the case it wasn't very clear this is set up so that she received questions from a lil prompt))#((So it's not like the other muse is in the room with her to continue a conversation. She's mostly talking aloud))#((She doesn't know if they're in another room listening or what but she's going all out))#((Phew that was the last one! Now i'm done! I have work tomorrow lol I need to log off now))

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