#another shitpost about my daddy issues

[yours-truly-henry-jekyll]

So I wrote this tiny scene in a little more than half an hour. It's kinda marauders fandom adjacent, though I have no idea how to stick this into any fanfic continuity, so let's just say it's a big ode to characters with daddy issues... BEWARE, IT'S TEEMING WITH EASTER EGGS.

And every night it's all the same. Every damn night Barty knows that as soons as he falls asleep it will start again over and over. The visions, fascinating, bizarre and barely comprehensible… Where he is, he doesn't know. Some kind of void, maybe. And he stands here, in this void. A hammer in his hands, and the mysterious Mirror of Erised is right before him. He doesn't have enough time even to quickly glance at it. Then immediately follows a bright blinding flash and almost deefening sounds of broken glass and finally he sees the Mirror of Erised cracked from side to side and falling into the myriads of pieces. Almost like in that fairytale about the Ice Queen… And in every of these mirror shards Barty sees a peculiar twisted version of himself.

In one of them he is in 19th century France. In this reality he is an illegitimate son of the Crown Prosecutor, raised in Italy by the gang of highwaymen and contrabandists. Then right in this reality he later impersonates a viscount and before that becomes a protege of a mysterious man, known only as "The Count", who for some reason, bears an inexplicable resemblance to Regulus Black's older brother. Then this shard dims and another one comes into focus. In this universe he is a young poet in turn-of-the-century Ireland, a daydreamer, fully dedicated to art, and a lover of Shakespeare. An iconoclast and a confirmed atheist still in mourning for his mother and still morally disoriented by his own refusal to kneel and pray on her deathbed. And after all of this, just a sensitive soul condemned to the ineluctable modality of the visible.

Soon he loses count of time and of all these parallel worlds. In one of them he is a superstar, a prodigy composer during the times when rococo and harpsichords were all the rage. An extravagant genius and the 18th century shitposter who wrote church canon starting with "Kiss my ass". Then a girl, a princess with pyrokynetic magic in a country somewhat resembling a mix of medieval and World War Two era Japan. The heiress apparent and the magical ace, broken and gone completely insane barely aged fourteen. And many more. Faces, names, centuries and universes, it all just merges in his head into an eerie motley caleidoscope. And this caleidoscope keeps spinning and spinning. Barty is already feeling dizzy, or is it even Barty anymore?

Then snap. And the illusion melts away. He is in his Ravenclaw dorm. This night nothing has happened. And nothing will during this day. Until the next night. And there Merlin save his soul…

#marauders era #barty crouch jr #fanfic snippet #i may leave my easter eggs in the tags #but some of them are almost obvious #and yes sorry for mozart #but the lick me in the ass classical canon is just soo barty #heck i spilled some beans #also yes i get stephen dedalus is far too subdued and quiet for barty counterpart #okay he's kinda an odd one out but still #vibe is vibe and simon dedalus or paul dombey sr have such crouch sr vibe #count of monte cristo #ulysses #atla #dombey and son #mozart rock opera

[elven-writing]

Hello, welcome to my blog on tumblr.com! Here, you will see:

-Me doing dumb shit with my mutuals that I really only ever talk to through reblogs and replies, most of which are in dumb shitpost joke form

-A very serious post followed by a picture of a cat followed by a shitpost all within the course of five minutes

-Me being desperate to receive the attention online that I never got in real life

-Mommy issues

-Daddy issues

-✨GAY SHIT✨

-Excessive cussing for no reason other than I feel like it

-Inconsistent writing styles between and within posts

-Maybe some art I do with my magic art boi powers

-Me being a dumbass

-Probably another several posts similar to this because I feel a constant need to defend my choices even though nobody really says anything about them

[everything-laito]

Never expected the Laito vs Shin CD to be this deep on Laito’s side. Hi, I’m back at it again with another long rant.

Hiiii! It’s Corn here, with a long awaited analysis of the Laito vs Shin drama cd! 

I didn’t expect to like this pairing as much as I did, but honestly Shin’s abrasiveness brought more out of Laito than I expected. Maybe it’s also the combination of Laito struggling to keep himself restrained. 

If you wanna hear my shitpost 2 am reactions to this, here’s the link. I go back now and realize I forgot some stuff in my notes to put in there, but oh well haha. If you want me to release the ones I forgot let me know lololol, my 2 am ramblings are pretty funny in hindsight. Thank you to @/dialovers-translations for providing the translations to these CDs! If you want to check the CD out for yourself, here it is. And as always, if you want to add anything, feel free to! Huge analysis under the cut :)

So the CD starts off with Laito and Yui. They’re in public somewhere and Laito’s being… Laito. But he’s trying to be quiet which was off putting for me at first. Anyways, this takes place right after the Lost Eden ending. I will admit I haven’t played Lost Eden or has seen the translations yet (I like playing the games as I do) but I do know that in in some endings the Sakamakis (and Mukamis???? I think??? Not sure) inherit daddy ketchup’s power. (I think it’s all of them that do in their endings but correct me if I’m wrong). 

So we know that Laito doesn’t like violence from him saying it multiple times in past games, drama cds, etc. He also mentioned in Haunted Dark Bridal that he doesn’t like family politics and has no interest in having the throne/Karl’s power. So, safe to assume from the start he doesn’t like having this power. And oh boy he is NOT having it. 

In my notes of the first track I made a quip of that Laito’s been kind of a “wannabe romantic.” I know that’s not the best way to describe it, but he’s like “human girls like this right?” or “this is what you do in a relationship, right?” (And he either puts his own twist on it or it ends up being More Blood’s vampire ending). So in this he holds your hand, no tricks, no nothing. I know this is a result of Rejet’s writing change after HDB, but also I think it’s some development on Laito’s end too (either way, it’s cute as hell). I honestly took this as him trying to distract himself from the power he now has; one that he never wanted in the first place. And we know Laito: master of distracting himself from his own issues and other people. 

Laito: “Fufu…You’re shaking~ In that case, should we just dive down from here while I hold you in my arms? …We’ll reach the ground in no time, but it might be reaaaaaally scary.”

Laito: “I’m not going to jump down. After all, I’ve decided I won’t use these powers no matter what.”

Although it takes some deeper knowledge of Laito, he definitely is using the ol “making fun of things I’m insecure about = coping mechanism” plenty of people like to do. He’s teasing himself; making a little quip of it and then kinda turning serious, yet still remaining his “~playful Laito façade~” self. In my notes I say that I’m glad Rejet stuck by with Laito’s whole “I have no interest in these powers” kinda thing. I also think that it scares him, on top of the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit. Or him having the “I don’t give a shit” attitude is a cover up for that fear? We’re gonna go deeper into that, my fellow sinners. 

Before I get into that, I just wanted to point out yet another quote that follows the ones that I put. 

Laito: “Don’t look so puzzled. This is the human world, isn’t it? It would be odd. There’s no hidden meaning behind it. That’s all.”

I liked my note in response to this quote: “H A H don’t be so DAFT, Laito, you’re the KING of double meanings. I know this is a liiiieeeeee” and man, I gotta agree with my cryptid self. He’s using the fact that it’s the human world as an excuse for him to not use his powers. Which…. Is a valid excuse. But this is also Laito we’re talking about. And he just sucked your blood in public. And moaned. I can see right through you man. Laito without double meanings is just…. He can’t exist. There’s no way. Sure he’s developed but if he’s still sticking with his façade from time to time, it’s a safe assumption; deductively. 

As for Laito fearing his powers, it really starts to prove itself by Track 02. Shin finds him, attacks him with wolves, and Laito STILL doesn’t use his powers, even in self defense. For a man that has 0 self restraint typically,,,,,, he really can restrain himself for the most specific things. This further supports my claim that Laito’s scared of himself with these powers. He’s also just really dedicated to his morals, whether they’re falsified morals he created himself in self defense, or ones that go deep to his core (oh shit, another analysis idea???). 

Then… Laito got angry, and attacked Shin in the process (this happens in track 04. Shin steals Yui in track 03). Again, I know I just said he’s pretty dedicated to his morals. But it’s an oddly human thing to do; breaking your morals once in a while to achieve something. We’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Then Laito beats himself up over letting his angry emotions get to him. And we get such a moving scene.

Laito: “Ah…Fuck…! Why…! Why!? Why did I let myself fall for such an easy taunt!? …Bitch-chan? I’m weird, right now, aren’t I? Because of that guy’s powers…Aren’t I going crazy?”

Laito: “…!? I…I’ve been composed this whole time. Yet…Why do you tell me such a thing!? Just as I thought…You also think that I’m becoming weird! If not, you wouldn’t look at me with those eyes!”

Laito: “Don’t touch me…!! If you touch me…You’ll be corrupted as well.”

Laito: “Fufufu…Ahaha…! I’m not corrupted? No, haven’t you experienced it first-hand? That man’s sullied blood and powers are flowing through this body of mine. Even though I don’t need them…! Even though I never wished for them…! Why…!? Why did I have to get these things forced upon me!? Fuck!”

I know that Japanese doesn’t technically have swear words like we do. He says 「くそ」 (“kuso”) which is an interjection that describes something that’s outrageous. Which is why it gets translated into “damn!” “Shit!” “Fuck!” Based on the context and aggressiveness. But, Laito rarely ever says 「くそ」, and he said it a LOT in this CD. And that’s what really caught me off guard. 

So, SO much is said in those quotes I cannot even begin to fathom. So let’s break it down. 

Firstly, as I mentioned, He’s beating himself up (as well as gaslighting himself(?) Is that possible?) over breaking his own morals and not wanting to have these powers in the first place. And he uses Karl as a scapegoat, as he (and the other brothers) have a habit of doing. Also, he refers to his powers as “that guy’s powers.” He hasn’t even accepted that they’re his, and that’s also what’s really sad.

Then the second line. “I’ve been composed this whole time.” Well we, as Laito fans, know that what we usually see Laito is a façade. But this, right now, is raw Laito, baby. He then kinda gets a paranoia of some sort, trying to read your eyes (which is most likely sympathetic, not thinking he’s weird) in order to blame it on someone, or continuing to gaslight himself. And the third line… Wow that hit hard for me in the feels. You know how Laito usually says he wants to corrupt you? Steal your innocence? (Again, projection, from what Cordelia made him feel). This also further supports the notion that Laito doesn’t think that highly of himself (well, people who have some type of superiority complex do. And he definitely does, sometimes on Ayato levels) and also the fact that he still keeps that façade up. Probably to protect these inner feelings. Again, his statement about his composure says as much. 

It’s then implied that Yui tries to comfort him, saying that he’s not corrupted. He continues to not listen to her and kinda say his bottled up feelings. God that last quote, and the way he says it,,,, ugh god it’s so heartbreaking. As we previously knew, he didn’t want these powers at all. He never wanted to be in any part of Karlheinz’s games. He just wanted to live the way he wants to (even if it is,,,, an unhealthy mindset to live in). He says it in such a fearful and tragic way. Again, he’s afraid of himself with these powers. He’s trying to build back up his facade or adjust it in any way that he can to avoid it, but right now, it’s too much for him. 

Laito: “Bitch-chan, you see. As long as she has someone to make her feel good, she will make do with anyone. …Power does not matter. That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?”

Shin: “Che! You’re just spouting random crap! You won’t deceive me.”

Laito: “Heh…There, there…Don’t glare at me like that..We’ve come all the way up here…It would be foolish to waste our time talking about power dynamics. Let’s enjoy ourselves…I don’t care about complicated stuff. To me, this is everything.”

I actually said something coherent enough in my 2 am notes in response to this to pretty much put it in here verbatim: 

Damn, this boy really just wants to vibe and avoid responsibility (I mean, don’t we all Laito) but he just has to face it. I kinda realize through this drama cd that Laito just… doesn’t wanna face complexity too. He doesn’t, never has. Violence is too complicated, getting involved with Cordelia and Ayato’s relationship by standing up for Ayato as a kid is too complicated, getting on Cordelia’s “good side” (which is uh,,,, awful) is too complicated. 

Putting up that whole perverted façade in order to hide from his own feelings; holy shit idk how I didn’t notice this blatantly before. I didn’t know it would take Shin to make me realize this. Laito never asked for any of this happening to him (none of the boys really did; at least for their pasts). Goddamn, when I try to look at the overly complex stuff, I miss the simple shit so easily. People in real life try to escape like this––using sex and pleasure––just like Laito. 

(Can’t believe I said that at 2 am omg) But, to add onto that, the whole “That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?” Has SO much meaning to it. First of all, it’s a question. Which raises uncertainty about a subject. This subject is what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is. It’s phrased in a desperate way that this is Laito’s way to ask you to help. And that’s huge. Also, I think it’s Laito’s way of saying to not judge him right now, and to still accept him for who he is. If he really thought that Yui was that “loose” of a woman with no standards, he wouldn’t have cared to say this, or implied his purpose: which is wanting to make Yui feel good. Which, I think in Laito terms, means “wanting to make Yui happy.” And he wants to continue to be there with her through this double meaning. And wow. That’s,,,,pretty poetic.

Last note; I know that Shin even said or implied (I’m too lazy to go back to the direct quote) that he was like “bruh get over yourself, these are your powers now, get used to it” (which set Laito off I believe). And going in, I didn’t think I’d get much out of this duo in terms of development, but WOW, there’s a chock full of stuff. 

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Holy crap I think this is longer than the Hilde analysis. 

Thanks for reading as always! -Corn

#analysis #Diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #Diabolik Lovers analysis #dl #laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito #laito

[daddy-socrates]

okay I'm curious Why did you mention salior uranus in your thesis?

THANK you for asking because i love to talk about it hehe >:3c buckle up

back in undergrad, i was invited to do a senior thesis. i wanted to do mine on language and gender because my (problematique fave) professor whose class got me into the field at the start just... wouldn't use my pronouns. she's very bad at using pronouns and frankly i think she does not understand limits. a philosophy of language class does not mean you get to just say ~whatever.~

basically, this project was borne out of "hey! use my fucking pronouns :))" i had (have) pretty severe "i can fix her" disease :// i....... was not a really great student in undergrad. people who have followed me since then can probably attest to that through my personal ramblings. my advisor (a different professor) was disappointed in me like the whole way through and i live in constant fear that she will find this blog and go "oh! thats why you didnt pay attention in class, dumbass :)" (though maybe she would see this post and say "oh.... growth :)" who's to say)

but see, though i struggled to get myself to stay engaged in my advisor's class, both she and that problematique fave had assigned texts that would lend themselves beautifully to my dream project - even though i just..... had a terrible habit of misunderstanding readings to basically an absolute inverse degree. like it's a chronic issue. maybe i should have figured out "this is what im understanding so the opposite is probably more correct." i'm working on it, though, and i'm better at getting it the second time around now that im in grad school. ^^;;

SO this brings me back to my thesis: basically, why does language matter? one of my chapters was about representation. i talked about janet in the good place reminding people every day, "not a girl." i talked about haruhi fujioka from ouran high school host club, "i don't care if people see me as a guy or a girl. it's what's on the inside that's important." i talked about stevonnie from steven universe, being the first fusion to be addressed with they/them pronouns. i talked about jesse and james from pokemon and their frequent "gender swapped" costumes. and, at last, i talked about sailor uranus - tenou haruka - using both masculine and feminine self-referential language and presentation.

the thesis statement of my tragically mediocre thesis paper is basically "when you have access to language, you can better describe your experience and understand the experiences of others." you can come to a stronger self-understanding, form connections with others who share some traits, discover community, come into support, enact change, and so on.

the paper im writing "writing" right now for my epistemology class is pretty much an elevated version of that, though i'm focusing less on gender identity and discussing like.... more like the "concept of identity" itself. one of my first grad classes was hermeneutics - the study of meaning, where it comes from and where it leads - and there is so much ~delicious~ overlap between the texts for that class, those from the undergrad class on language, the undergrad class on gender and intersectionality, and my current class. my current paper is on "epistemic injustice;" that is, lack of access to language (whether deliberately or unconsciously through systems that no single individual person had set up) puts people at disadvantage for the huge sector of life that they otherwise could understand.

ALL THIS to say, i was a snarky asshole in undergrad but i have very real investment in media representation. if i had watched she-ra before i presented my paper, i would have included double trouble (my beloved), and i have yet to watch owl house but i see there's another they/them? we love they/thems <33 i am always thinking back on when korrasami became canon, how that was a huge moment of positive bisexual representation. i think about sophia in orange is the new black, introducing to a more adult audience different layers and kinds of violences that she and other trans women, especially she as a black trans woman, are uniquely at risk for.

my graduate school thesis is going to diverge a bit from the language of justice and of personal and group understanding to an even broader scale, though i am going to have a lengthy chapter on the matter. (literally like one hour ago i emailed my county representatives to say "hey, the training material for my substitute teaching agency Fucking Sucks, how can i help bring appropriate language and subsequent recognition of mentally ill, neurodivergent, and disabled folks to the stage?")

the many forms of the philosophy of language is what sparked my passion for the field, and i want to give language to those who may have difficulty understanding texts like i do. i want to take all that i am learning and share it as best i can with others, or at the very least, use it to aid my interactions with others. that's why i have this stupid tongue-in-cheek blog in the first place! academic shitposts and some current social and political events are so important to share.

i do have a side blog for fandom shit since i wasnt smart enough to make that the main and this the side, so fan artists see @/daddy-socrates liking their posts and i am So Sorry About That but like... i don't want to take everything in life so, so, gravely seriously. OBVIOUSLY there are subjects and scenarios that are not to be joked about, but i think we get so bogged down in the severity of all the global problems that we forget to play around a bit. purposely putting a handful of anime characters into my undergrad thesis was my way of being both playful and highlighting how fun is a critical social learning tool. it may well have been the only really solid thing about that project, honestly. i hope that in the future i can revamp it, using what i have now.

so............. that was WAY more than you asked for, but there you have it, my whole raison d'être. :'^) thanks for asking, hope i made sense

#about #blah blah blah #replies #anon made the mistake of opening this can of worms so now you all have to see it /j #if you arent following me for my tag rambles why are you even here though /also j #ive gotten better about using tone indicators in recent months so i feel i should go back and edit them into past replies #i have a constant fear of sounding too detached or cold to people who send me asks and yet i never modulated my typing!! #might replace my pinned post with this #or make like a separate page #ohoho look at meeee big time coding expert #(jk if i was id have a more pleasant desktop format with page numbers so i dont have to scroll forever to edit individual posts) #okay time to get back to 'writing' that paper sksksk #10 paragraphs........... this is how i write correspondence #ive written like four separate 8 paragraph emails in the last few days re: disability rights #i really wanna get more involved but i dont know where to start #calling that training program out for their endorsement of aba therapy was a start though. FUCK that shit #im not autistic but im adhd. i love my brain cousins and i will NOT let that go without address #heavy sigh #the writers both evidently dont know any better and very possibly dont care #but maybe they do! maybe they simply........ don't have access to the language (testimonies and studies) about it #thinking face emoji #im fairly certain i never would have learned so much about autism if i didnt look into whether i had adhd #i wouldnt be in the circles where i am now #i like to imagine i would still care? about humane treatment? and respect? and rights? #but i seriously believe that without my current self-knowledge i would be VASTLY ignorant of the needs of others #so #yeah #do we love my tags being a separate whole two paragraphs tangentially related/tying pieces together? lol

[turtle-steverogers]

I can’t write for shit but I know you are really talented ,so what about an angst about Spot going to war and he doesn’t make it back and Race and their 1 year old son go to visit his grave and talk to him? Idk you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but I thought it was a really cool idea

hi! so this is a pretty on brand prompt (especially for a certain upcoming Thing, but...,,.,) but anyway yeah here’s a fic. hope i did your idea some justice!

warnings: lots of talk of death, but nothing graphic.  my shitty, caffeine muddled writing (truly, not my best work, sorry)

ship: sprace

word count: 1529

editing: nein

Just Out of Reach

“Aye, Sergeant, need some water up there?”

“Yeah, thanks man.”

A water bottle is passed up to Spot, and he takes it, taking one hand off the M2 machine gun that’s deadbolted down in front of him and using his teeth to unscrew the cap.  He hadn’t realized how goddamn thirsty he’d been, but it’s fairly easy and not at all uncommon to lose touch with yourself during the methodical cycle of a mission.  

Really, it’s just reconnaissance.  Mapping out the desolate land that surrounds base- cataloguing the unknowns and the possible threats.  It’s the simple stuff.  The required bits that make the more strategic missions possible.  But they still take long as hell and Spot’s willing to bet that he’s sweat through his fatigues by now as he bakes in the desert sun.  His helmet is scratchy and the army-issued goggles are digging into his skull, squeezing his brain and making his head throb.  The water helps a bit.

His vehicle is at the front of the convoy, and somehow, he found himself perched in the turret, calculating gaze scanning around for anything amiss.  They near an Iraqi village, vacated looking buildings lining either side of the sandy, dirt road.

Spot thinks he sees a few windows shutter closed and when he looks to his left, there’s a little girl (she can’t be more than five.  Christ)  sitting on her stoop, knees pulled up to her chest.  She’s staring at the convoy, eyes wide and fearful and fingers plugged into her ears.  Spot feels a pang of...of something.  Guilt, maybe.  Sympathy.

Really, none of these people asked for this.  They never wanted big, scary men in big, scary vehicles shouting out foreign remarks and invading their space- their homes.  

Spot forces his gaze back to the front, willing himself to focus back on the task at hand.  But he can’t help his mind wandering back to that little girl.  There was something about her.  The innocence, maybe.  The simplistic look of discernable fear in the face of something scary.

He thinks of Teddy.

His son’s own wide, brown eyes and chubby, five year old cheeks.  Really, they’re not so different- that girl and Teddy.  They’re lives are so drastically diverse from one another, but they share that same, innate naivete.  The all prevailing look of curiosity that only kids can convey.

Spot misses Teddy.

Granted, he always misses him and Race.  The feeling isn’t mutually exclusive to any one moment, but sometimes the ache will grow into more of a pain, gripping his chest with longing to kiss his husband and hug his son.  Maybe dig his fingers into Teddy’s sides as he picks him up and swings him, planting an exaggerated kiss on his cheek.  It’s a foolproof way to make him laugh.  And if Race is there, he’ll laugh too.  There are some things in life he can count on to be constant, and his family is one of them.

He comes back to himself as he nears a stoplight and suddenly, something in the world seems wrong.  He’s just about to secure himself around the gun when there’s a shout from down below and then the humvee is jerkily rolling to a stop and that’s when Spot sees the wire and that can only mean someone’s going to die if they don’t fucking stop right fucking now and--

Nothing.

-

“Papa, can we go see Daddy today?”

Race freezes halfway through screwing the cap off a carton of milk.  He turns to look at his son and finds him staring at him in all his six and a half year old glory.  His hair is a mess of bedhead and sleep and even though Race had gotten him up and dressed in a decent amount of time for a Saturday, he still looks rumpled.  But that’s just how kids are, Race guesses.

It had been a year since Race’s life took a tumble into the realm of his worst nightmare.  A year since Lieutenant Kelly and Sergeant Jacobs had shown up on his doorstep, clad in Army Service Uniforms and wearing twin, somber looks. 

It hadn’t taken long for Race to piece together why they were there.

That day was still hazy, a jumbled mix of numb shock and things like, “we regret to inform you” and “killed in action” and then there was Teddy pulling at his pant leg and asking him with those wide goddamn eyes why “guys dressed like Daddy” were there and Race didn’t know how to tell him that Daddy’s gone, because how the hell do you explain that to a five year old and he wasn’t equipped to deal with something like this and he still isn’t and-

Yeah.  A nightmare.

Race still isn’t sure if Teddy knows exactly what happened.  He seems to understand that Spot is gone and that fundamentally, he isn’t coming back, but he doesn’t think Teddy understands death yet.  The finality of it- the weight behind the concept.  

It was inexplicably haunting to see Teddy not crying at Spot’s funeral.  Race was crying.  Hell, Race was a mess.  It was so bad that Albert had to take over his eulogy and Jojo had to watch Teddy for a few minutes while he lost his shit in the bathroom.

But Teddy hadn’t cried.  He’d just clung to Race with a tight grip and wide, bewildered eyes, not saying a word.  

“Sure, bud,” Race says, shaking himself and pouring the milk into Teddy’s bowl of Lucky Charms, “we can go see Daddy.”

He takes Teddy along to Spot’s grave fairly often, but he never really knows how much of it he processes.  Like at the funeral, he’s always quiet and subdued when they go, never really saying anything.  Just sitting in Race’s lap, head bent into the crook of his neck as he stares at the headstone.  

“Yay!” Teddy bounces a little in his seat, grinning as Race sets his breakfast in front of him, “I want to tell him about my dance recital!”

Something in Race’s chest cracks open, making him feel simultaneously warm and cold and entirely overwhelmed. 

On their way to the cemetery later, they pass a man selling custom bouquets on the street.  Brilliant mixes of orchids and roses, gardenias and anemones, bleeding color into the cold grey of winter, and when Teddy sees them and turns that pleading look on Race, well, who is he to say no?

-

“Hi, Daddy!”

For once, Race stays a little off to the side, watching his son sit cross legged in front of Spot’s grave.  He’s talking, words spilling out at about a mile a minute, but Race tunes them out.  This is their private moment and he doesn’t want to get in the way of that.  

“I kinda wish you coulda seen it, but…” Teddy shrugs, mouth grimacing in a way that’s so strikingly Spot that Race has to close his eyes for a moment, “That’s okay.  I know you woulda come if you coulda.”

And, well, ouch.

“Anyway, I brought my scarf for you, Daddy,” Race opens his eyes to see Teddy carefully wrapping his little Thomas the Tank Engine scarf around the headstone, just over where he’d placed the flowers they picked up earlier, “‘Cause it’s getting cold and Papa always tells me that scarves help make you super warm.”

Race has to bite his lip to keep from crying or doing something stupid to ruin his son’s moment and, like, breakdown in front of him.

“Anyway, I’ll let you talk to Papa now, ‘cause I know he always likes to talk to you a little,” He smacks a kiss onto his palm and presses it to Spot’s engraved name, “Bye bye, Daddy, I love you.”

When he turns to look at Race, he’s smiling.  It’s big and unyielding and Race fucking melts, because this is all he really wants.  Sure, when Teddy gets older, Spot’s absence will ring loud and daunting, but hell, if he can have any ounce of peace with it then, well, Race...Race is fucking ecstatic.  He can handle this. 

“Your turn, Papa!” Teddy says, beckoning Race to sit down and climbing into his lap when he does.

“Thanks, little man,” Race hugs Teddy close, “Did you have a good time talking to Daddy?”

“Uh huh,” Teddy says, squirming a little in Race’s tight hold, “I know he was listening super good, I could feel it.”

Race swallows, “Oh yeah?” Teddy nods, “I’m super glad, Teds.”

And maybe, really, that’s what this is about.  Spot’s death was a curveball thrown with the wrong hand, jarring a perceived reality and shifting everything Race had known a little too far to the left.  And no, it isn’t okay.  Maybe it’ll never be okay, but it doesn’t have to be.  Spot’s still there, lingering somewhere in their hearts and made real by his memory- their memories of him.  He’s still palpable, still reachable, and if Teddy can feel it, maybe Race can too.

Race takes a breath, fortifying and fond, then smiles.  It doesn’t feel so strained and Race feels just that much lighter when he clears his throat.

“Hey, Spottie…”

-

it wasn’t very good don’t clown me please my brain said ‘sorry bud’ today

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

TAG LIST: @getchapapes @we-dont-sell-papes @suddenly-im-respecsable 

@aw-jus-let-em-try @well-the-kids-do-too @spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn @felix-loves-albert-and-ralbert @technically-whizzy

@andthewoildwillknow @the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog @localfakeitalian @have-we-got-news-for-you @musical-shitposts @thebroadwayaesthetic

@thomasbeingthomas

@irondad-spiderson-duo

@snakesarenonexistent 

@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing 

@kpop-kk

@mentallytiredgoat

@yxseminx

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen 

@stopthe-presses

@elmers-half-a-cup

@and-i-lostmy-shoe

@spot-me50-papes

@honeynutpoptarts

@newsies-ensemble

@bennie-badeend 

@auspicioustarantula 

@faithmil 

@hopefully-not-the-ghostbusters

@bxnesof92

@backgroundnewsies

@sure-as-a-star

@skybert-daherty 

@eveningpaper

@malex-13

@albert-eats-cookie-cake

@heart-a-n-o-n

@bitching-newsboys

@orollyitsracetrackhiggins

@joshuaburrageenthusiast

@random-superhero-stuff

@awkwardstranger98

@falling-out-trees-101

@modern-race-owns-airpods

@asphodelnerd

@i-dont-do-sadness

@rockyroad236

@sirgrahamcracker

@godhatesjordan

@thats-our-que-boys

@bastille-smedry

@nerdsies

@toss-me-a-pape

@wolfbutterfly42

@revolutioninthesewers

@spot-the-brooklyn-pirate

@aintnosleevesinbrooklyn

#newsies #racetrack higgins #newsies fic #spot conlon #sprace #oof

[tinkiisms]

For this Mother’s Day, because Tink is generally left out of the whole affair of “having parents” I want to talk about fairy life in Barrie’s original Peter Pan works!

In Disney’s portrayal of Tinker Bell and the fairies which is my main verse, each individual fairy is born from the first laugh of a human baby--and they are immortal ageless beings in that they arrive fully-formed (not as babies are born) and don’t visibly age ever, remaining an eternally youthful being, but can live hundreds of years without dying unless they are felled by some danger or disbelief.

In Barrie’s canon, however, this is not the case. When Tinker Bell is first introduced in “Peter and Wendy,” she is described as “a girl” who was “still growing” as in a child--like Peter and Wendy themselves. At the epilogue of the book when Peter brings Wendy back to Neverland for spring cleaning after a year, she inquires after Tink who he has entirely forgotten.

He says he expects that “she is no more” and the narration concurs that, “I expect he was right, for fairies don't live long, but they are so little that a short time seems a good while to them.”

This demonstrates that fairies have very comparatively short lifespans to humans, aging rapidly from childhood to apparently death, within less than a couple of years. They are not immortal as Disney portrays them, but have life cycles.

(CONTINUED UNDER THE CUT FOR FAIRY FAMILY DYNAMICS)

Another difference is the birth or arrival of fairies. As stated earlier, in Disney each fairy is born from a laugh. In Barrie’s canon, it is stated that the FIRST laugh of the the FIRST baby “broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.”

He then goes on to explain family dynamics among fairy-kind in “The Little White Bird” or “Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens”

“...though they have beautiful schools, nothing is taught in them; the youngest child being chief person is always elected mistress, and when she has called the roll, they all go out for a walk and never come back. It is a very noticeable thing that, in fairy families, the youngest is always chief person, and usually becomes a prince or princess; and children remember this, and think it must be so among humans also, and that is why they are often made uneasy when they come upon their mother furtively putting new frills on the basinette.”

“When they think you are not looking they skip along pretty lively, but if you look and they fear there is no time to hide, they stand quite still, pretending to be flowers. Then, after you have passed without knowing that they were fairies, they rush home and tell their mothers they have had such an adventure.”

“ “Pity to lift them hyacinths,” said the one man. “Duke's orders,” replied the other, and, having emptied the cart, they dug up the boarding-school and put the poor, terrified things in it in five rows. Of course, neither the governess nor the girls dare let on that they were fairies, so they were carted far away to a potting-shed, out of which they escaped in the night without their shoes, but there was a great row about it among the parents, and the school was ruined.”

“They were now loath to let her go, for, “If the fairies see you,” they warned her, “they will mischief you, stab you to death or compel you to nurse their children or turn you into something tedious, like an evergreen oak.””

So, you see, fairies in the original canon of Peter Pan are born the natural way, nursed and raised and they grow up and die. They have families, parents, mothers.

In Jodi Lynn Anderson’s book “Tiger Lily” which is told from the perspective of Tinker Bell, fairies are a much simpler and less ethereal creature compared to Disney’s version, and at some point it is mentioned that Tink’s father ran out on her and her mother with a fairy named Belladonna. For years after he left, she searched for him, scanning bodies of water as they were last seen living on a duck’s back, and it became a habit for her even if she no longer expects to find him.

A snippet describes, “But after my father left, I had the irresistible urge to disobey every rule he’d ever given me.”

I love this book a lot--it’s not Barrie’s canon, in which we never get a description of Tink’s actual family, but the concept has inspired an inspo reblog for my Tiger Lily verse (which I never get the chance to play in unfortunately.)

Recently I made a shitpost/crack post saying “Tinker Bell has daddy issues and she doesn’t even have a dad” just because it rings so true to her character considering what we know about her life--even if her family dynamic wasn’t described by Barrie, and I can relate to her in a certain way (more Bella and Charlie Swan for me personally, but I just mean the “daddy issues” aspect of not having a solid father figure to begin with, whatever the cause)

So, in my general mixed-canon, alternative, cross-over style verse, where I pick different bits from various versions of the mythos (Disney, OUAT, Barrie, etc) I might sometimes want to include the fact of Tinker Bell having (had) parents.

Especially having been abandoned by her father, which could contribute to her huge attachment and abandonment issues. If she was raised by a single mother, well happy mother’s day to the mom of the best fairy~

#analysis #⊹*⋅✧ | ᵐʸ ᵗᶦᶰᵏᵉʳᵉᵈ ᶦᶰᵛᵉᶰᵗᶦᵒᶰˢ (headcanons)

[leocheg]

Okay, harringrove hit me like a train, and now it’s just my naked bones rattling all over the railway.

I’m seriously so torn. I feel sick just thinking about watching season 3 for the very possible pain of it all, you know, Steve getting assigned a new gf, Billy getting killed off, all the antis shitposting under my sweet sweet otp’s tag...

On the other hand, I really want to believe the Duffers are trolling with all that “ohh a textbook enigmatic alt chickkkk! Billy’s just a dumb villainnnn, it’s gonna get worssssse! Everybody who you love from season 1 will DIEEEE!” Is this show really supposed to be that shallow? Does it really need that cheap hype? Frankly speaking, I don’t know what I expect from a Netflix tv pop show. I just hoped that the series made for geeks by geeks would somehow go deeper than “a human villain” esp since that “villain” is a 17 yo with daddy issues, and honestly making a piece of irredeemable trash out of a troubled teen (srsly he didn’t even have a knife or anything on him) is a total dick move on behalf of everyone responsible.

Now it’s time for me to explain why Billy isn’t deserving of all the crap he’s been given by the fandom. And okay, okay, I won’t put I JUST LOVE MAH BAYBEEEEHHHH all over the list.

First of all, I suggest to take a step back and take in the starting point. Billy’s a 17 yo guy, with an okay(ish?) step-mom, his actual mom being most probably dead (I’m not sure but I feel in the US it’s more common for women to get custody after divorce?) and a dad who gives Billy constant shit over the smallest things. Let’s not forget two more things: this 17 yo is supposed to be responsible for a 13 yo (dunno about you, I’d be super pissed off, because girls this age can give you HELL, boys give you HELL a bit later), and for whatever fuck up they both committed he’s exiled from his home place which means no memory of his mom apart from that little thing he always wears on that chain (is that just my hc tho?), no friends, no possible family like caring aunts-uncles-nanas-grandpas, no voice in the family. As I see the situation judging from those little snippets we gather from the conversations, Billy could have fucked up looking after Max, probably big time, probably it had smth to do with Susan’s ex and Max’s dad, so Neil had them packing and moving across the whole country. I just wonder how bad could that fuck up have been that Billy got guilt-tripped so badly he wasn’t able to say no and stay in Cali somehow? HE’S CRAZY LIKE THAT ANTIS HUH? It’s also not a thing a caring parent would do out of the blue, Billy had only a year before graduation. I believe Neil to love his son and care for his future, fight me. BUT. When you are a responsible parent with some skill for communication and actually understanding what you’re doing and that there’s an independent individual in front of you, not an abstract child like whatever that word even means apart from age, you don’t hit them, you don’t shout, you don’t impose. My point being that Neil is freaking out. He’s got two teens on his hands, you gotta be strict not to let them go crazy rebellious, right? He’s desperate to keep his son in line, denying everything he really is at the moment. What is he though? Well, a super lonely teen who wants his dad to be proud of him. I think he tries really hard to follow that “respect and responsibility” mantra: gives Max a lift no problem, tries to come to terms that they are family now, tries to protect her. Which brings me to the question of racism, and no, I don’t think he’s racist at all. I don’t think he cares, he’s got a lot going on already.What he cares about is agitated Max. Remember the way she left the arcade? All confused, angry, bewildered. Billy just was being protective the way his practically non-existent emotional intellect allowed him. Probably he knew there would be a shitstorm coming if Neil found out. I don’t think young girls are allowed bfs in his household. That’s the vibe I got there, fellas.

Why is Billy so lonely though? Just look at that guy, he’s got everything: the face, the ass, the style, the charm, the smile, the wit. He’s unapologetically confident and knows how to get what he wants, so being alone and not making any friends seems to be a choice of his own. Mainly because he’s super pissed about everything. I mean he really has no chill when it comes to emotions, they control him. Moreover, he doesn’t plan on staying longer than is absolutely necessary, so why try. As for a gf, he’s not that into girls, which could be for several reason (my hc is him being gay, no surprises here lol). I think he’s actually a virgin. We see him with a girl once, he didn’t seem nice or caring or at least a little bit amused, so probably that was out of sheer bore. Nothing to do other than date or keg-drink in a small town, huh, Billy boy? Third, and don’t hit me yet, he’s kind of a nerd himself. And here I have to say thanks to a very devoted lady who brought to my attention two details about Billy’s room one of them being a poster for the first Metallica album which only few ppl liked as much (nerds!), and another one being James Thurber’s autobiography Billy had on his table. How’s that for your typical basketball bully Cali boy reading? Nerd! So he’s a bit too picky about all this friends and connections thing. Also I’d like to point out that Max actually found her a whole party of friends, I think that could make Billy kinda jelous? Before that it felt they were in the same boat, sort of a team? In the first scene they appeared I honestly thought they were this cool bro-sis pair fully armed to take on Hawkins ready or not.

So. I feel for my boy. He’s just a lonely kid with daddy issues and zero anger control.

To be continued, cuz there’s also my precious mama teddy bear Steve.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #character study #i’m bad at this #fandom analytics because i can’t write fics

[diamondarmored-blog1]

this is whiny af. and very long. bit of an explanation of some stuff (aka why I am like this) and a wee request. 

warning, there’s a brief mention of sexual abuse and A LOT of historic drama. I’ve tried really hard not to appear in search tags for the relevant areas, so please try not to cause it to appear by mentioning the fandom or muse name without cutting it up (e.g. sei//fer) because as you’ll see, I don’t want these people near me. 

sit down and let uncle charlie tell you a horror story.

I’ve been slow again on here, I’M SORRY!! I was making an FFX blog. I know I’m getting a reputation for being a serial blog hopper, but the reason for that is, I’ve had two muses I really really loved and nothing else has ever come close. One was my Chuami, who naturally dropped in intensity as time went on (I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing - you can’t keep forcing a muse into ever more dramatic scenarios without giving them a break or they end up mutated and OP). The other was V//elka. Seifer is the closest I’ve come, but there’s still a void  :,(

V//elka did not die naturally. You may have seen me mention “the other fandom I was in” and how it’s a cesspit of bullying asscreases, sexual harassers, liars, stalkers, thieves and assorted other villains. But you have not heard the tale. What you’re about to read sounds like a lot for six or seven people, but this fandom is unique in that it’s 70% non-RPers. People who follow RP blogs and treat them like their personal entertainment. I’ve never seen another like it. So whoever is most popular with them has influence, because the hate anons and the nasty criticism is coming from outside the real RP community, and the senders will enforce whatever their faves say. The pressure to align with whatever is doing well with the viewers is extreme because the chances of being run off your blog if you don’t are far higher than usual. 

There was one other blog for V when I made mine. I asked her - the writer - if she’d be okay with another being around, even though I’m not obliged to ask permission to make a blog, and she completely ignored me. I thought maybe it was a weird thing to ask, and my other blog in that fandom was welcomed and pretty popular with the non-RPers. I was the only one of that character active. So I just went ahead and did it, thinking it would be no big. I was Wrong. Within not-very-long, the girl and her friends, who had huge followings of, shall we say, less mature users, to begin with as most of them didn’t really write - they drew on request, and you don’t need to have a reading age to appreciate free art - began to employ every trick, tactic and scheme they could to bully me into abandoning, including but not limited to: forcing new RPers to choose between them and me, stealing my content, freezing out anyone who was seen to interact with me (leading to newer users abandoning because no one would talk to them but me), stealing my friends’ muses(! yeah, the whole thing), copying my backstory and ships when ridiculing them didn’t work, incorporating my headcanons into their muses in the same way, copying my art (one of them was an art student and I am a very bad beginner - she would take my drawings and redo them with a higher level of skill and collect the praise for it), making PSAs about how I wasn’t entitled to be in the fandom and how nobody wants to thread with me so stop posting, sending spies to pretend to be my friend to trick me into insulting them so they could get caps, lying about me (one of them spread the rumour that I was some kind of sex obsessed pervert and you guys know how stupid an idea that is), and blaming me for their personal issues (e.g. a historically kind and well mannered user who had been absent for months made a callout post and @’d them all, explaining that he couldn’t come back because they had bullied him and made fun of his abusive history - this was somehow declared to be my fault, they said I put him up to the post because I was jealous of them (?), and they actually responded to him by saying “sorry your daddy touched you” and “sorry if you think its our fault you got abused but we don’t really care” and making public jokes about how they’d never be friends with someone as low as him, spamming the word “elitist” wherever they could... non-ironically). Eventually, even though me and my main ship partner had a shitload of non-RPer fans for the work we were doing and our partnership was very popular, neither of us could even log in anymore. Every time we spoke or moved, some stupid plan was enacted to make sure it backfired on us. We were replicated by members of that group, and our muses turned into pandering caricatures of what they originally were until we left. My muse was a real point of pride for me, she was the best example of a strong, confident female lead I had ever written, and she was made into a sex crazed goth domme by the very people who accused me of that and declared it abhorrent. My partner’s was turned from a complicated, fiercely proud, genderfluid(?) killer to a fragile little flower with a dick in a dress. It wasn’t just us, by the way. Every good writer who joined the fandom is gone; they started leaving not long after I arrived. I tracked some down and asked why, and they all told the same story. One of them told me the process is cyclical and now that I’m gone, they’ll choose someone else in my place. Meanwhile - here’s the kicker - the group responsible don’t even fucking write. The only time they do is when they’re using it as a weapon against somebody, by stealing their plot or their ship and acting it out themselves. Now that the writers have embarked on a mass exodus and none have come to replace them, all they do is shitpost because there’s no one left to target. The stolen muses’ blogs are dead. As if this didn’t sound like a problem enough, three of them have a penchant for little girls.

Where are you going with this, Charlie? Well, chums, it goes a little way to explaining my aversion to smut (one of their number was a self-proclaimed “sex negative feminist” who told me I was a shit RPer because all I ever did was smut and talked about me like I was a prostitute - at the time, I had written NONE, and she had five sideblogs she only made for ships with her friends... she had some serious internalised issues around that, she seemed to deny the existence of her own hypocrisy). It explains why I bang on about welcoming other Seifers so much, why I’m so strict on drama now, and why I’ll bite the head off of anyone who claims to be the sole granter of permission to make a certain muse. It will go some way to explaining why I hardblock anyone who looks like they might cause me similar melodramatic problems at any point in the future, no discussion, no exceptions. I am extremely wary of people with rules full of red flags, and people who make a lot of unprompted ~everybody love your duplicates~ posts, because they’re never truly unprompted. They’re usually an attempt to get in first, so the one who didn’t post it looks automatically less friendly. I didn’t handle it well at the time, I didn’t want to make things worse so I allowed myself to get steamrollered, and the more they got away with, the more they pushed it. The final straw was poor C and that callout post, but it came at about the same time my ship partner’s muse was copied onto one of their sideblogs, so the end was near anyway. If it happened again now, I’d waste no time in telling them to shove it up their festering assholes. ANYWAY I’m telling you all this because my search for a replacement muse has gone cold, and that’s left me feeling a bit dead and uninspired, which leads me to keep losing my flow with Seifer as well. I logged into her blog earlier with the idea of reclaiming her somehow. It felt like cleaning a house someone died in. I changed her url, wiped away all the content that was bothering me and I blocked about 200 people - fucking everyone from that fandom who was following me. I might change her theme too, I’m not sure. I’ve added a request-only line to her original verse to deter anyone who joins that fandom in the future (that’s how badly I need to keep away). I’ll need to replace all her tags to keep them from digging me up again. So here’s where the request comes in. I’ve sketched in some FFX and FFVIII verses. I would like to try to bring her out of there and closer to here. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve never explained why. Can I count on the support of any of my friends and neighbours here? I feel like she’s locked in a room full of dangerous weirdos and I can’t get to her unless I can totally extract her. I could really use some help in pulling her out and creating a new space for her. You don’t need to commit to anything, just treat her like any other OC. If it fails and she dies off, at least I’ll have tried. If I succeed in clawing back some of my focus, the blog hopping will stop. If anyone feels like doing me a solid, that’d be great. To be honest, the experience tainted RP as a whole for me, sapped my motivation and confidence, and I’ve never been as into it since.

#ooc #LONG!! #I'll drop this once now and once later #sorry my guys #this is the ultimate in no1curr tldrs

[aye-calypso]

Family

I truly do not consider family to be strictly blood. The people that you hold closest to you in life should be considered your family. But, it is possible that I have this sort of view because my blood family isn't the best. I’m sure plenty of other folks out there share this sort of view...at least I hope they do. Otherwise, this awkward. In any case, welcome to a shitpost about my dysfunctional family. Enjoy.

My blood family consists of my ma, pa, and two siblings - a brother and sister. My brother is the oldest and he is everything that I despise: a messy, egocentric, recovering-alcoholic POS. He has his moments...sometimes. It just irks me that at 35 years old he still lives with his mommy and daddy; he needs to move the hell out and become independent. My sister is a little bit better, although she is a bitch. Before you go all, ‘now that’s not nice, calling your sister a bitch’, let me tell you that I am also a bitch. My family brings out the sailor mouth in me, so pardon my French. Getting back on the topic of my sister, she’s ok - I guess. I’ve become impartial to her, mostly because she lives back home in her own house with her secluded little life. Part of me misses her; part of me slightly hates her. She has a spending problem and likes to beg our father for help. Speaking of my father...

Some say I have daddy issues. I really don’t though, not terribly so anyway. My dad is just a hard-ass and a bit of a dick. He rides his kids in order to push them to do better; there’s nothing wrong with that. He tries to be noble and smart, even though it doesn’t always work out that way. I don’t fully respect the man, but he’s my dad, ya know? My mom, on the other hand, is one of my best friends. I have no filter when I talk to her. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. She doesn’t always give the best advice, but everyone makes mistakes and is selfish in their own ways. She’s a little too passive for my taste sometimes, but am I fiery Leo so I am full of sass. Shockingly, my ma is a Pisces. Makes sense now, huh?

We rarely get together anymore, the five of us. I live with my ‘rents and the asshole, but as I mentioned, my sister lives back east. I may have forgotten to mention that my sister hates my brother and vice versa. I simply hate both of them. Those stories are all for another time, however; another post, another drama. On a completely different note, I had a pretty decent childhood and I get a twinge of sadness once in a while when I realize that those days are over. There is so much angst and anger in this family nowadays - where did it all go wrong?

[just-a-little-starker-blog]

A lil background on me and this blog

Okay i have no idea if any of y’all will actually care, but this is just me explaining myself and this blog

So this blog is anonymous expect for my name because, well,

I don’t think many of my friends and family irl would understand Starker per se

Aka they’d all disown me lol

So I’m trying to keep this one on the low

Actually I keep all of my tumblrs anonymous lol

Buuuuut anyway

So yeah, most of my friends irl know me as the quiet, sarcastic, slightly insane one who likes marvel and other stuff like that.

Oh boy, would they like to know half of the stuff my crackhead self dives into at 3 am

So I have liked marvel for a while, but it’s never occurred to me to use tumblr to get further into the MCU fandom. But this year, bitch got a wake up call. Because you know what happened this year

Avengers: Endgame

And, boy, was the internet talking about it. It was virtually impossible to avoid it on any platform, so this is when I got sucked into the Tumblr Marvel Fandom

Here’s the timeline:

Saw a good bit of the main MCU movies over the course of a few years, saw Endgame, fucking cried, watched every movie in the MCU, saw Endgame again, fucking cried harder, saw ffh, laughed to ease the pain

But somewhere in the time where I watched every MCU movie, I got into the marvel fandom on tumblr.

Why? BECAUSE ENDGAME EMOTIONALLY FUCKED ME UP AND THE ONLY LOGICAL THING TO DO IS LOOK THROUGH FANART AND REVIEWS TO SEE THAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS HURTING TOO

(Oh and a side note: i did in fact watch every MCU movie (22 at that point) over the span of 8 days. I recommend doing it to get the best endgame experience, but don’t do it when I did which was before and during finals because i get hELLA STRESSED).

And through one of my usual 3 am plunges into tumblr (see why finals were rough?), I came across something not uncommon to me on the internet, but it was definitely uncommon to me in the marvel fandom.

A ship

Holy shit

And you know what ship it was

Starker

Yep, the first MCU ship I actually saw on tumblr was Starker. I knew what ships were because I was emo in middle school, so I wrote a lot of emo band fanfic back then too. But I haven’t been in an actual fandom since.

And, if I may say so myself, it’s good to be back in one.

I never actually had an issue with Starker, but I didn’t ship it at first. I shipped more of Steve/Peggy, Tony/Pepper, Peter/Michelle, etc. because those were the ships I knew from the MCU.

And then, I got curious.

So, at 1 am on a different night (I’m sensing a pattern), I looked up Starker on AO3. I came across a fic all of you probably know and love

Raising Hybrid Puppies

Because how can you possibly pass up a fic with that name?

So I read a few chapters but crashed once the angst was starting to build up. I actually finished it on while I was on a long car ride with my mom. I could tell she wanted to ask what I was reading, but I wa reading so intently that I think she was too scared to lol.

So, I liked it. And when I got home, I read a few one shots, and I liked them. And I was starting to actually see why some people ship Starker, and I have to admit: I was starting to ship it.

And then I read a non con fic

Please let me explain myself: I’m not trying to shame or diss anyone that likes non con fics. I like my fair share of things some people find different, trust me. But this particular fic, I won’t mention the name, seemed so real, seemed so scary to me that I stopped reading and had to get away from Starker for a bit.

To this day, I still don’t really like non con fics fyi

But yeah, I was scared of Starker for a bit, but then one person’s post came up on my dashboard because I follow “Spider-Man” on my other main blog.

I’m not going to actually name the blog that I lowkey stalked (I was too afraid to follow lol) because I don’t know if they’d be comfortable with that, but for the record their stars let posts made me so ducking happy that I could put the non con fic out of my mind and realize that not all Starker fics are like that.

So yeah. I started lowkey shipping Starker. I read tons of fics but I never actually liked/reblogged them because I was still on my other account.

My other account has two blogs: a meme blog (main) and a shitpost

I was too scared to create a Starker blog, even though I reeeeaaaly wanted to, because I wanted my memes and my band trash separate from my Starker.

And that’s probably my biggest issue with Tumblr: each blog isn’t its own blog, if that makes any sense. They’re all connected through your one main blog. On my shitpost blog, some one was commenting on one of my posts, and I couldn’t respond in the comments because my shitpost blog isn’t my main blog. When you ask questions, you either submit anonymously (which varies because it depends on if the account lets anonymous questions be asked) or you ask as your main blog. It can be really awkward asking someone if they could write a sugar daddy Starker fic as your meme blog (cough....not that I know from experience...cough)

So I just decided to make another tumblr account with this as my main.

Will I actually stick with it? You knows. I hope i do, but life’s funny in the ways it can make you feel really sucky and lethargic.

But thanks for visiting my blog! :)

#:) #starker mentioned i guess #ahh guess what time im writing this lmao #1:41 in the morning #but whos surprised #yall are going tk learn real fast that sis here dowsnt sleep #lmao i cant even spell

[diamondarmored-blog1]

this is whiny af. and very long. bit of an explanation of some stuff and a wee request. 

warning, there’s a brief mention of sexual abuse and A LOT of historic drama. I’ve tried really hard not to appear in search tags for the relevant areas, so please try not to cause it to appear by mentioning the fandom or muse name without cutting it up (e.g. sei//fer) because as you’ll see, I don’t want these people near me. sit down and let uncle charlie tell you a horror story.

I’ve been slow again on here, I’M SORRY!! I was making an FFX blog. I know I’m getting a reputation for being a serial blog hopper, but the reason for that is, I’ve had two muses I really really loved and nothing else has ever come close. One was my Chuami, who naturally dropped in intensity as time went on (I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing - you can’t keep forcing a muse into ever more dramatic scenarios without giving them a break or they end up mutated and OP). The other was V//elka. Seifer is the nearest I’ve gotten but there’s still a void. :,(

V//elka did not die naturally. You may have seen me mention “the other fandom I was in” and how it’s a cesspit of bullying asscreases, sexual harassers, liars, stalkers, thieves and assorted other villains. But you have not heard the tale.

There was one other blog for that muse when I made mine. I asked her if she’d be okay with another being around, even though I’m not obliged to ask permission to make a blog, and she completely ignored me. I thought maybe it was a weird thing to ask, and my other blog in that fandom was welcomed and pretty popular with the non-RPer audience we had. I was the only one of that character active. So I just went ahead and did it, thinking it was nbd. I was Wrong. Within not-very-long, the girl and her friends began to employ every trick, tactic and scheme they could to bully me into abandoning, including but not limited to: forcing new RPers to choose between them and me, freezing out anyone who was seen to interact with me, stealing my content, stealing my friends’ muses(! yeah, the whole thing), copying my backstory and ships wherever ridiculing them didn’t work, incorporating my work into their muses in the same way, copying my art (one of them was an art student and I am a very bad beginner - she would take my drawings and redo them with a higher level of skill and collect the praise for it), sending spies to pretend to be my friend so they could try to trick me into insulting them so they could get caps, lying about me (one of them spread the rumour that I was some kind of sex obsessed pervert - LMAO AMARITE?!), making PSA posts about how I’m not entitled to be part of the fandom, and blaming me for their personal issues (e.g. a historically kind and well mannered user who had been absent for months made a callout post and @’d them all, explaining that he couldn’t be there anymore because they had bullied him and made fun of his abusive history - this was somehow my fault. One of them said I put him up to it because I was jealous of her(?) and they actually responded to him by saying “sorry your daddy touched you” and making jokes about how they’d never be friends with someone as low as him). Eventually, even though me and my main ship partner had a shitload of non-RPer fans for the work we were doing and our partnership was very popular, neither of us could even log in anymore. Every time we spoke or moved, some stupid plan was enacted to make sure it backfired on us. We were replicated and our muses turned into pandering caricatures of what they originally were until we left. My muse was a real point of pride for me, she was the best example of a strong, confident female lead I had ever written, and she was made into a sex crazed goth domme by the very people who accused me of that and declared it abhorrent. Hedge’s was turned from a complicated, fiercely proud, genderfluid(?) killer to a fragile little flower with a dick in a dress. It wasn’t just us, by the way. Every good writer who joined the fandom is gone. They were all gone shortly after I arrived. I tracked some down and asked why, and they all told the same story, one of them said it was cyclical and now that I’m gone, they’ll choose someone else in my place. Meanwhile - here’s the kicker - the group responsible don’t even fucking write.The only time they do is when they’re using it as a weapon against somebody, by stealing their plot or their ship and acting it out themselves. Now that the writers have embarked on a mass exodus and none have appeared to take our places, all they do is shitpost because there’s no one left to target. The stolen muses’ blogs are dead. In between all this, as if this wasn’t enough of a problem, three of them have a penchant for little girls. 

Where are you going with this, Charlie? Well, chums, first of all, it goes a little way to explaining my aversion to smut. It explains why I bang on about welcoming other Seifers so much, why I’m so strict on drama now, and why I’ll bite the head off of anyone who claims to be the sole granter of permission to make a certain muse. I instantly block anyone who overdramatises things to make them sound more dramariffic than they are, no discussion, no exceptions. I am extremely wary of anyone with defensive rules, or people who post unprompted PSAs about ~being nice to duplicates~ because in my experience so far, it’s the shady people who do that - they have something to cover up. I handled it pretty badly at the time, because I didn’t want to make things worse so I let myself get steamrollered. If it happened again now, I wouldn’t mind losing every follower I have as a result of telling them to shove it up their festering assholes. ANYWAY I’m telling you all this because my search for a replacement muse has gone cold, and that’s left me feeling a bit dead and uninspired, which leads me to keep losing my flow with Seifer as well. Lately, I’ve had a lot of casual-sleazy smut crossing my dash from sources I don’t follow, and it sorta brings back bad memories. SO I went onto V//elka’s blog with the idea of reclaiming it somehow, because it feels like she’s in a locked room full of dangerous weirdos and I can’t get her out unless I extract her completely. Here’s where the request comes in.  I really want to bring her away from all that and keep her somehow. I wiped away all the content that was bothering me, changed her url, and I might change her theme too, I’m not sure. Her block list is 200 users long because I blocked fucking everyone from that fandom who was on my follower list to ensure a totally clean break. I’ve added in sketched out FFVIII and FFX verses, removed her source ones and put a request-only line on them to deter anyone who joins that fandom in future. I think the only person I’ll write V in her normal, original verse with is Mirna at the minute (she came from this hellhole as well). If I finish giving her a facelift, will I be able to engage the services of my good friends and neighbours here to help me draw her out of that environment? You don’t have to commit to anything, just treat her like any OC. Even if it doesn’t work and I can’t revive her, at least I’ll have tried. If it doesn’t fail and I do manage to scrape back some focus, the blog hopping will cease, lmao.  If anyone feels like doing me a solid. That’d be great. Cos honestly, that whole experience tainted RP as a whole for me and I’ve never really been as into it since. 

#ooc. #LONG!!!!!!!!!