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#anxious

I’m told that there are people who care for me as if that isn’t the problem. They don’t realize that I don’t deserve to be cared for, but now I’m sitting here as a burden because of it.


Confession #54

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May 30th, 2020

122.5

Damn, the summer shred challenges are really intense. They’re HIIT workouts so I’m seeing a lot more progress. I went hard on the workout last night cuz I ordered a pair of pants online yesterday and everyone in the reviews said they ran a little small so it motivated me to push through the pain 😤 gotta fit into them when they arrive!

Also here’s a pic I took yesterday evening. I feel like I actually look decent, which is a rare feeling for me lol

image
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it’s gotten so bad idk what to do

i have no smile.

i have no sense of humor.

i have no appetite.

i have no memory.

i have no imagination.

i have nobody.

i have nothing.

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That moment when you dissociate in public and don’t get anything anymore. I found myself standing on the side of the road several times without moving. It took me a few minutes to realize that there were no cars or traffic lights at all. I just stood there staring somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
I appreciate everyone who dissociates in public and still has the courage to go outside and endure confused looks from strangers.

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I haven’t been on my tumblr for about a month and when I open a post to see it has 439 notes I am simultaneously feeling loved and horrible. I hope that my words were not mistaken as a guide because seeing the -deactivated###### broke my heart. A small part of me is hoping they became dedicated to recovery and getting better but being realistic about the community I am in leads me to believe that me saying “this is the time” was someone’s motivation. 

so if you need me I’m going to go feel responsible for a death I don’t even know was died.

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