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#anxious

I just went downstairs to get a sausage roll and when I was about to go back upstairs my dad took it from me, so that was a sign that I shouldnt eat 😐

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I want to die more than anything and my x is talking to me again but only for entertainment I think,I’m not really the girl of his dreams or someone he wants to commit to.my sleep schedule is also still messed up and I missed my appointment because I can’t cam,my depression is also killing me,I feel so much sadness and intense emotional pain.i just want to die more than anything.

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You know I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel things and then feel nothing. Why do I put up this fake person to avoid getting hurt. I asked myself questions and I stop to write about it. I talked to a friend who I only share my real feelings with. I talked to my boy friend and found out some things. I didn’t feel alive or like that I was here. I got comfortable but comfortable with the feelings I had. I wondered if what it was like to have this to know what I was thinking. Come to find out I relate a lot to people I didn’t think I did. I laughed at the memes and didn’t think it was real. I looked up from myself and there it was in my face. I was changing for the worse. I didn’t get out of bed, I didn’t clean, I didn’t remember things, I didn’t wake up in a good mood, I hate everything, I wanted to be accepted. All these things. I hope that one day I’ll learn it’s ok to not be ok.

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I have to go for a physical this month to get a pap and according to my provincial health agency, they won’t even be able to test it for at least another month after that, but probably longer. I can’t wait a month to see if it’s abnormal or not. I understand that virus testing comes first but there are other tests that are important as well. I don’t know if I should cancel and wait for the curve to flatten or keep my appointment.

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I’ve been alright for the most part.. I’m an essential service worker in mental health, and tbh being out at work everyday is better than being home. I feel like I’m doing something, not just waiting.

Then of course days off happen. Then the tension that’s been building in my back and shoulders all week refuses to be informed and the anxiety makes my chest tight.

I will get through this. We will get through this.

But fuck… Sometimes it’s scary to think how the world changes so quickly.

I’m ready for the world to go away now please

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But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

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