Do you ever make new friends and then immediately after you stop talking to them your brain is like “oh no did they think I was annoying?” “Oh gosh do you think I showed too much interest in the conversation?” “What if they think I’m dumb after I said that totally harmless, positive, and supportive thing?” Oh jeez oh gosh.
50: Upset and uncomfortable: still functional
Today I felt many feelings.
I spoke to my mother and I began to reflect on her life with my father and our lives. The pain he has caused and the way he continues to treat her, my siblings and I. I have to pretend I am not upset, so I speak to him like, the way he treats my mother does not cause me grieve. I do this so he won’t have another reason to lash out at her in anger.
Today, he called me but I could not find the courage to put on my best vioce and speak to him. All I could do this morining was cry. I took sometime for myself but I felt conflicted about not picking up his call.
I talked to my sister and while I am not all patched up, it was a much needed therapy sesh.
All this to say, if you are upset feel free to:
- Have a good cry
- Squeeze in a venting sesh
- Take the day off
I will not always feel these feelings.
I will heal and feel peace.
As always, I am hopeful 🦋
I‘m scared he will find someone better
Someone fucking help me..I’m gonna lose my mind. I’ve eaten so much and I can’t fucking stop. I just want to be back down the 30 lbs I lost and not re-losing them. I feel like a failure.
I was the bad guy all along.. right?
A cool morning walk with the dogs.
Jack the cat sleeping in my lap while I worked. A successful day.
Deep breathing and practicing slowing down.
Watching Kai enjoying her new game.
Waking up happy with the dogs. Spending a day enjoying this new slower life with my wife. Thoroughly enjoying our new normal.
Swimming and playing in the pool
Laying in bed together
A wonderful day together with all our animals
Can I just fall out and die already
If you are not anyone’s favourite person then somebody is missing the huge amount of love you could give them if they chose you. You are still doing great.
Doctor gives me new antidepressants and says ‘do you consider yourself to have an eating disorder’
Me: ‘no, not really’ *lies
Doctor: ‘Ok good because these can trigger anorexia and rapid weight loss.’
Me: 🎶 I think. We know. Where this is gonna go. 🎶
Recently heard of the George Floyd protests and I just can’t help but feel useless. I mean what’s a 16 year old who’s forced to stay inside gonna do? Talk? Sign a meaningless petition and repeat the whole ‘police brutality needs to end’ shtick. I feel like garbage because if this is how brutal it is on camera how much worse is it off camera? It makes me feel all sorts of anxiety. I mean I was just watching a video about officers who forced a woman into a chair and gazed her. I know that’s off topic but the police just make me anxious.
I caused a fight with my boyfriend tonight and its all my fault. He’s going to hate me forever and leave me. My brain keeps telling me to hurt myself really bad but I don’t want to. I’m scared and even though he’s in the same room (we live together) it’s like I’m all alone. It’s all because I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem. I’m the problem.
this is really important to remember, please be patient, it takes time. ❤
My old struggle…I used to think it would never get better, but it did💙Please keep fighting, you’ll be surprised out how strong you really are🌈
Me: yeah I get anxious a lot and it might be anxiety, but I just don’t know for sure.
Mother: you have anxiety
Doctor: you have anxiety
Therapist: you have anxiety
Brain: you have anxiety
Me: it’s truly a mystery