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softgrungeprophet · 1 year

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something something essay about the ways in which peter uses the pretense of training and/or working through his anger as a veil for what is essentially self-harm and self-punishment via (as one example, from i believe the book of peter) beating dumpsters and concrete until his knuckles bleed

ok this was supposed to be a joke but i can't stop myself from rambling at the drop of a hat so i'm gonna talk about it (mostly my au)

(cw for mentions of fictional self-harm and sexual abuse/assault fyi)

that combination of anger and self-loathing does a number on him huh

i have just been thinking about it as i think about the ways in which i am intertwining his own traumas into this story, though often not thoroughly enough tbh... i feel like i haven't been taking uncle ben's death into account enough, especially in hindsight as peter is only 19 rn where i'm at in the timeline, so it's only been three years since his uncle died at most.

but also mostly been thinking about it in the context of the fact that i'm bringing prof warren into the story soon, coming on the heels of flash's breakdown which peter feels guilty about—and so piling that together with his many issues, including his sensory overload issues as well as childhood trauma pre-dating spidey, and how self harm plays into that via not just beating up on things that are actually capable of breaking skin but also thru direct self injury via nervous tics involved in his overload-panic attacks (or adjacent at least)

also as that ties to his spidey sense—idk who is reading all this shit tho i know ofc kita has read some of it and at least one other person did make a comment about starting from the beginning after i posted *checks notes* 50,000 words to this au, but anyway, if anyone has read both the fic where flash is in the hospital and the recent fic chapter where rosie's at the ER, you will notice that i consistently have peter tapping the back of his neck when he is in an overloaded state and that's because i also put the spidey sense sensations generally along the back of the neck and up the skull (though prob also elsewhere on the body in theory) so it's a form of grounding or self-soothing to tap the spot it feels most strongly even when it's not going off actively, as it ties directly into his neuroses so tbh i wouldn't be surprised if it actually is going off when he gets into these states...

but that focus on the neck will later manifest (not written yet) in a more extreme way when peter has a public breakdown (for the first time since he was a toddler arguably) and scratches the back of his neck until it bleeds because he's in a messed up emotional overload state and can't control it (ah and of course this ties into self-control and other control which is always the theme, isn't it... everything is about control w/ him, from pulling his punches to sexuality)

imo and as i write him, he doesn't normally do this and normally focuses his issues outwardly by beating up on objects (or people) (which he does in that scene too, directly preceding this moment) which still makes him bleed if he's in bad enough of a state to beat on concrete for hours, but that in extenuating circumstances like this one it can become more direct as a form of i guess... stimming but bad for you. is there a word for that? i forget. i guess it's related to dermatillomania and i might mentioned him skin-picking later on if i remember to include that (but no scars cause he heals so fast) esp since i've already mentioned (once, briefly) that he bites his nails.

i'll also be extending this thought to characters like kaine and ben since they're his clones but also because kaine specifically my notes are emphasizing the fact that where peter and ben are more capable of self-regulation, kaine isn't, and he can't handle things that they can handle because he is more sensitive to overloads due to already working at a constant low level of sensory stimulation his brothers aren't because of both chronic pain and broken spider-sense, and thus is more susceptible to the kinds of breakdowns that peter has been having only in situations that trigger his hospital-related traumas (uncle ben dying key among that) (or later, which trigger his trauma wrt sexual assault/molestation as a preteen) (because i am tying that into his backstory as something thematically relevant to warren's predation of gwen in college, and use of sexual abuse as a leverage for power and ownership over his female students first and then over kaine the "failed object" and as part of his revenge on peter for denying him his prize (gwen))

i do think kaine will probably also have that direct aspect in both the things that peter also does (scratching, biting, skin-picking) but also using his own hand on himself (by which i mean the acid (?) handprint stuff)

which, related to warren, ties back into peter's freakout after saving gwen from being raped by prof. warren (which as i said i haven't written yet, but i have notes for including some dialogue)

i'm not 100% this scene will include peter scratching his neck or how the breakdown will go entirely, when i write it, cause it may end up changing slightly depending on what feels natural to me to write and what flows most naturally out of him *checks notes* beating warren unconscious.

but i suppose what i am always doing when i write these kinds of scenes with peter is acknowledging a kind of discomfort on all levels which i don't feel i particularly see often—usually it's either he's 100% together OR it's some ooc stuff where he's reduced to an almost infantile state of crying which is like... i get it, i cry easily too, but there's such a strange sense of objectification and almost fetishization or sexualization to some of these things i've seen written and that I don't particularly enjoy, which i've rambled about before so i won't go into that here.

but i feel like… idk i want to explore the aspects that aren't necessarily cute, or idk… pretty? part of why i like andrew g as peter is that tasm peter in particular is awkward and weird in a way that isn't Cute and Fun, or Baby? the awkward convos he has with gwen are so deeply relatably awkward and uncomfortable, and he is twitchy and neurotic and weird and distractable and quite passionate (and handsome😌) and i appreciate that and i think it fits very well w/ 616 peter, considering 616 peter is himself pretty fucking weird even when he's suave and sexy (which is most of the time XD)

so like i said it's just something i always think about and something i'm particularly thinking about now as i write this story about a still pretty young (19 yo) peter navigating his own past traumas wrt death and sexual assault as well as current traumas like flash's injury a year earlier and so on and so forth and how i want to approach both gwen having to comfort peter but also peter being able to switch back around to comfort HER because she is obvs frightened in this moment! both because of peter's violence and because of prof warren's attempt to claim her body against her will (which peter stops)

i want to balance that they are both traumatized and both need to take care of the other to feel functional in that moment because it allows them to detach slightly, but also that both need a chance to break down and cry because of what happened (now and in the past), regardless of being in public…

and then peter gets arrested for aggravated assault lol

(and boy peter's violence as well as deliberate non-violence are also always a constant present theme in this au as well as other things i write... it's about....... making a difficult and conscious choice.... and working hard not to hurt the people you love (flash)) (i am constantly thinking about flash's father as i write peter fyi, if anyone noticed the multiple times i have compared him to harrison directly in the context of his temper, violence, and purposeful gentleness with flash)

wow there's no point to this post i just needed to word vomit really bad

this peter has also def come close to committing a murder (when ock crushed flash's legs) and i think he always will be capable of that, physically obviously, and mentally, but idk if or when he will. truly not sure. this might tie into his early death at age 49 and being gunned down by the national guard but not sure what/how much of that i'll use or if there might be other moments that may end in him slipping, or inadvertently being the cause of someone's death (well, technically this will happen w/ norman, drawing heavily from what happened in the original silver age comics, but in this case it's norman getting knocked out of a 60 story window in addition to./instead of? getting impaled by his own glider)

(ben kills miles warren though, at least in the notes i have now)

#nadia rambles #arghwrites #well relevant at least

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selfcare-journey · 3 years

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Just because you have strong emotions doesn't mean you're dangerous.

You get to decide how to channel your emotions. You are learning new coping mechanisms. You are actively choosing healthy ways to handle your emotions.

I know that you feel so much; you've been through so much! And you care so much!

I am so proud of you. I am not scared of you.

#mental health #self care #self love #mental illness #recovery #positivity #encouragement #affirmation #selflove #self compassion #emotions #emotional regulation #depression #mood disorder #adhd #ptsd #anyone with emotion regulation issues tbh #mine

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montmartrasse · 2 years

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i can't stop thinking about rain (and ghouls in general) so here are some hc's about water ghouls and moon phases ig??

General:

Full moon means their powers are at the highest level

Young ghouls struggle with full moons because they don’t know how to regulate their powers and emotions during this time, can get aggressive/feral

As they get older, they learn how to regulate their emotions and powers and then the full moon actually becomes a very enjoyable time of the month for them

In the days leading up to the full moon, they can get very irritated, even if they’re older because they can feel their powers rising but they can’t access it yet

The day after the full moon is basically a bitching hangover. No one wake them.

The worst is the new moon, regardless of age, new moon is when they’re at their weakest (still have powers but can’t do much) and this can lead to self-isolation, waves of depression, clinginess, irrational fears, etc. Most choose to just stay in a safe spot with comfort items and just let the night pass

Rain:

During the couple of days leading up to the full moon, he gets very annoyed and irritated by everything and everyone

Will cry

During the full moon itself, despite being on the younger side, he can regulate his emotions very well and gets very confident, cocky, and slightly asshole-ish. Let’s his dark side take over.

Will look for sexual partners, and it won’t be sweet. The best is to stay away from him during this time unless you can endure the extremes.

It’s not easy to stay away though. Once he’s made up his mind about someone, no one’s getting away from him. Before you know it, you’ve said yes to everything he suggested. He has a way with words.

The day after the full moon, he will have an extreme energy crash and won’t wake up until the late afternoon, once he wakes up, he’ll just stay and hide in his room. He’s not embarrassed, he just is Very Tired

During the new moon, he will become extra clingy. Absolutely needs to be babied and pampered. Cozy naps, luxurious baths, video games, favorite movies and tv shows queued, all the snacks and food. If he doesn’t receive the attention he needs, he will make it everyone’s problem. So the ghouls take turns. Will sleep mostly tho.

He just wants reassurance tbh. If you prepare something for him, then that just lets him know that he’s understood, safe, and cared for.

Dewdrop (pre-becoming fire ghoul)

Extra snappy and stompy the day before the full moon. Everyone better hide if they want to keep their fingers attached to their bodies

An absolute menace during full moons, borderline feral

Will fuck anything and everything

Got locked in dungeons many times because he was just Dangerous but also to protect him because he will run away and then crash there

It’s in everyone’s best interest to lock him up

The day after is the Extremely Clingy Dewdrop Hours, the only time he will accept publicly being babied

Even Satan himself wouldn’t be able to find Dewdrop on New Moon days. It’s self-isolation time baby. Has extreme trust issues and won’t let anyone see him in his weakest.

#the band ghost #ghost band #ghost bc band #ghost headcanons #ghost hc #nameless ghouls #nameless ghoul headcanons #rain ghoul #rain ghoul headcanons #dewdrop ghoul #dewdrop ghoul headcanons #mine #my work #shut up ray no one cares

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ouyangzizhensdad · 2 years

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I saw a few posts recently about how in XuanWu Cave LWJ biting WWX is supposed to be LWJ getting possessive/jealous/marking WWX and one of MXTX’s weird kinks. I wanted to know how you interpret that scene? I honestly think the scene is not meant to be interpreted as “hot” at all. I think it was LWJ’s last resort in the moment, after an Extremely Stressful Time™, to get WWX to just leave him alone. Obviously biting someone is not okay lmao but LWJ is very clearly having major emotional dysregulation based on how he snaps at WWX. I feel like saying this whole scene is only based on how he is jealous really ignores the uhhhh fucking war plot??? And how they got to this situation in the first place??? (The only thing I can think of the biting scene being intended as “romantic” is as a play on the phrase 啮臂之盟, lit. bite an arm to make an oath, usually used as a promise to get married, via BaiDu. But this is more tongue-in-cheek than actual subtext IMO)

(Part 2 to the Cave/Biting ask, salty edition) Also if antis say this scene is OOC for LWJ I will lose my mind. It’s not my favorite scene in the book nor is it particularly notable but it’s not OOC. In WWX’s first life LWJ is shown since their first meeting to be unable to control his emotions and actions as well as he wants to!!! Their first interaction is literally a sword fight. And then this happens again in the Library Pavillion, the XuanWu Cave, etc. LWJ’s knee jerk reaction (after trying to ignore his issues, which is also not healthy might I add) when super frustrated seems to be drawing his sword which obviously directly goes against everyone’s view of him as perfect and regulated etc. LWJ reacts with violence where it’s inappropriate and better to communicate multiple times! Which leads to WWX thinking LWJ doesn’t like him! Of course LWJ gets better at controlling his reactions as he gets older but damn. And some of these fight scenes were kept in for CQL??? I don’t understand the disconnect TBH. God forbid HanGuang-Jun has a Character Flaw that ties into the plot and themes of the story.

Hi anon,

While the novel does show that lwj can get bite-y during kisses and sex, I think it is a tenuous argument to suggest that the scene in the Tulu Xuanwu cave is meant to be read as having sexual undertones or to understand it as the mere expression of a character’s ‘kink’ or preferences.The context of it, as well as the headspace of the characters--particularly lwj--simply do not allow for that reading to be well-supported. It feels a little bit like, I don’t know, trying to argue that, in any context, if lwj ties a rope or a bit of fabric, it has got to be sexual, even if it is tying his own forehead ribbon in the morning.

As you mention, some people have pointed out that a potential reading of the scene relates to “ 啮臂之盟” and works as a declaration. This was never confirmed by mxtx, but mxtx famously prefers to let readers interpret the text and rarely confirms these sorts of interpretations so it might be what she intended.

That being said, while this interpretation might still partly be true, if we look at the scene in context, to me it really seems as if lwj means to mark wwx for the sake of marking his memory.

Prior and after being locked in the cave, lwj sees wwx acting ‘frivolously’ towards both him and MianMianm, including wwx trying to shock him by stripping. This leads lwj to grow somewhat resentful. Based on what he says to wwx, it is clear that lwj finds himself in turmoil when he is on the receiving end of wwx’s teasing and attentions, having to remind remind himself that he is not ‘special’, that wwx does not have these intentions, that this is just how wwx acts (which 😥 no hgj you were special you were the most specialest, he was really flirting with you he just didn’t realise that’s what he was doing). I think, to anyone who has had (or thought they had) an unrequited love, that feeling of frustration is easy to understand; how hard it can be to keep your hopes in check when the person you like seems to treat you in a special way when that’s actually just the way they personally are towards many if not most people.

“Lan Zhan, you really are so strange today,” Wei Wuxian began, once more. “You’re so rude. And you are not talking like yourself either.”

“If you do not have those intentions, then do not flirt with others. You are doing as you please yet others will end up in turmoil.”

The conversation is also preceded by to the topic of “brands”; that having something remain on your body can work as a representation, a reminder. In this case, it becomes clear that wwx having a mark on his body will remind him of having saved a guniang, and will ensure that the guniang herself never forgets him. This leads lwj, who has been shouldering with a stiff lip quite a lot of emotional turmoil since the wen attacked the cr, to lash out and get angry at wwx for this very fact, to the point of physically shoving him.

Lan Wangji’s face was dark. A moment later, he replied, “If you know it hurts, do not be so rash next time.”

“It’s not like I had any other choice, did I? Do you think I enjoy being burned? Who would’ve known that Wang Lingjiao is that heartless? She almost pressed the iron into her eye. MianMian is a girl, and quite a pretty one, at that. If she were blind in an eye or her face scarred, she would have to bear it for the rest of her life. How bad would that be?”

“The thing on your body right now will remain for the rest of your life as well,” Lan Wangji spoke in a thin voice.

“That’s different. It’s not on my face. And I’m a man—what am I scared of? In a man’s life, how could he not get a few wounds and earn a few scars?”

His upper body bare, he was squatting on the ground as he picked up a branch and poked at the flames. “And, if you consider it from another perspective, even though this will never disappear from my body, it represents the fact that I protected a guniang. And the guniang will definitely remember me after this. She won’t be able to forget me for the rest of her life. Now that I think about it, it’s actually quite—”

Suddenly, Lan Wangji shoved him hard, raging.

“So you also know that she will not be able to forget you for the rest of her life!”

Then, just before lwj starts biting wwx, we get the following line that is actually an idiom in chinese ( 好了伤疤忘了痛 ).

Somehow, Wei Wuxian had moved beside him again and sat down, speaking without a care for the consequences [...] Lan Wangji glanced at him, a person who seemed to forget all past pain as soon as the wounds had healed. Just as Wei Wuxian was about to give him a large grin, he suddenly saw Lan Wangji lower his head [...] Lan Wangji was buried into the crescent of his elbow, biting firmly into his arm.

While in this case, it can be taken very literally: that, indeed, as soon as wwx stops feeling the pain of lwj’s earlier shove, he already starts moving back near him. However the idiom also has a more metaphorical sense of forgetting past difficulties once the situation improves which--isn’t this coincidentally quite a good illustration of wwx?

That being said, if we remain in a more literal interpretation, and we think back to the discussion regarding the brands and remembering, the bite can be interpreted as lwj trying to force wwx to remember him--to leave him with a brand of his own, although it is one that will fade away. Perhaps, to a degree, to force wwx to think about lwj just as much as lwj is incapable of escaping thoughts about wwx, if only for a short while.

I think, through this reading, lwj’s ensuing “thank you”s make sense; having relieved this frustration in his heart, these stifled hopes of his, that the quick-forgotten shove had not managed to truly put to rest. That this is enough to defuse some of his more recent frustration. So that’s the interpretation I lean more toward, although of course there is nothing that makes it impossible to have both 啮臂之盟 and 好了伤疤忘了痛 coexist--characters’ actions can have more than a single motivation! And there are potentially other interpretations possible that I simply have not personally thought of.

Now, does that mean that lwj is jealous? Kinda, yeah? It’s not a secret that lwj experiences jealousy during the novel. Big fucking whoop! Some people really took ‘jealousy is not love’ and ‘your lover’s jealousy should never be used as an excuse to control you’ and went ‘if anyone ever feels any jealousy and, god-forbid, ever have any negative feelings or impulsive reactions due to this, they are irredeemable and their love is toxic’. Although we know lwj is jealous at different point in the narrative (rip that poor rock), we only see him act in childish but short-lived ways when he’s very drunk or, in this case, when he is emotionally very fragile, having nearly died after weeks of mistreatment and humiliation, all the while his brother is on the run, his father is dying and his home has been burned down. It’s fine to not like these choices, as part of a romance or otherwise, to question whether they truly bring something to the narrative, the characterisation or the relationship between the characters, but to act like these are big red flags of toxic and problématique behaviour is like... Sure I guess there is no sliding scale between healthy/sainthood and toxic/problématique, and all these people writing these takes must be living examples of the “I have never done anything wrong in my life, ever” meme.

#mdzs meta #lwj #anon ask #mdzs #brine corner

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specialagentsergio · 3 years

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all we can do is keep breathing || chapter two

summary: Spencer’s doing better, but recovery isn’t linear, and some scars run deeper than either of you knew.

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

category: angst (eventual happy ending)

content warnings: swearing, drug abuse & addiction, substance use disorder, ptsd, descriptions of panic attacks/ptsd episodes, recollection of past bullying, unhealthy coping mechanisms, yelling/fighting, negative feelings towards other team members, body image issues

a/n: i was so taken aback by the response to chapter one--i didn’t think anyone would even read it tbh. thank you all and thanks for being patient with my lack of an upload schedule. i'm so sorry the word count is massive again. you get tummy appreciation, though, because 1) we all love spencer’s tummy, and 2) i personally gained weight when i was in residential treatment and it can be a bit of a mindfuck lol.

a/n 2: repeated disclaimer that i'm not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc., just a direct care staff, past rtc patient and trauma recovery enthusiast. the horse therapy is pretty much entirely based on my own personal experience from nearly a decade ago, so don’t expect it to be an accurate portrayal of equine-assisted psychotherapy.

word count: 7.3k

song: you will be found from dear evan hansen

fic masterlist || masterlist

He’s been looking forward to the start of equine therapy since he got a spot in the program. But instead of being excited the morning of, Spencer ends up crying for an hour straight.

The day started off fine. It wasn’t hard to get up with the horses to look forward to, and he was able to get an extra plate at breakfast, so he could keep the pancake syrup from touching the eggs and sausage. Art therapy was a few hours later. He’d started to actually enjoy the pottery project—the recreational therapist had brought him a box of disposable gloves to use so the feeling of drying clay on his hands was no longer a problem.

Everyone’s projects were coming out of the kiln today and the next step was painting them. He’d been planning out the design and colors he wanted to use since the project started and was excited to finally start applying it.

Then he dropped his item, it broke into pieces, and he burst into tears.

He’d fled the room on instinct alone and curled up in a corner of the hallway, pressing his knees to his forehead. He was upset about the pottery, and upset that he was so affected by it breaking. He felt stupid and silly for crying over it, which only made him cry harder.

He heard distant laughter and he clapped his hands over his ears. He was being laughed at again for being a crybaby. He didn’t want to be a crybaby. He wanted to stop crying, he just couldn’t. The goalpost was cold against the bare skin of his back, and his wrists were starting to burn from the ties.

I want to go home. Just let me go home, please, I’ll do anything. Let me go, let me go--

“Spencer, it’s okay. You’re safe here. Can you repeat after me? I’m safe here.”

Safe here. Safe here.

Art therapy was over by the time he came out of it.

He has lunch at his therapist’s office instead of with the group. Lara asks what his flashback had been to.

He picks at his food. “It happened a long time ago. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright. Can you tell me how it felt instead?”

Spencer isn’t really hungry, but bites into his sandwich to stall for time. She doesn’t rush him. Eventually, he asks, “Do you know what alexithymia means?”

“No words for feelings,” she replies.

He nods. “That’s all.”

Lara opens one of her desk drawers and pulls out a composition notebook, which she then hands to him.

“What’s this for?”

“I want you to start trying to notice your feelings and sensations throughout the day. Make some kind of note, even if you don’t exactly have the words to describe it.”

He sighs. “Why?”

“Just noticing what you feel can help you develop emotional regulation,” she explains. She’s always been honest with him about the why of what she wants him to try and do. “It’s going to help you stop ignoring what’s going on inside you.”

I don’t want to do that.

“I know you don’t.”

“I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” he blurts. “That either. I—god.” He quickly takes another bite of food before he can say more.

“It’s fine. I didn’t expect you to like it,” Lara says with a small smile. “I’m sure the thought of confronting what you’ve been suppressing and avoiding is scary. But getting better requires you to do a lot of scary things.”

Spencer wants to protest. Being strapped to a chair in a shed and dosed against your will is scary. Your mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer's is scary. Being sent to prison for a crime you didn’t commit is scary. Feeling things? That’s not scary.

Isn’t it?

He tries not to think on it too much.

Despite the unpleasant thoughts running through his mind, Spencer finds himself nodding off on the van ride to the horse ranch. His eyes unfocus, his blink rate slows… and then he jerks back awake at the sensation of his head falling forward.

A frustrated noise escapes the back of his throat. He’s sick of feeling tired all the time. He’s getting enough sleep in theory, but still finds himself drowsy at least once a day. It’s to the point that he’s regularly wearing his glasses instead of his contacts to keep his eyes from feeling quite so dry. He pushes them back up now as he tries to tune back in to his surroundings.

“… don’t get how seeing some horse is supposed to make me feel better.” That’s Aiden’s voice. He’s Spencer’s new roommate. He wasn’t happy when he found out he was getting a new one, having much preferred having the room to himself, but it’s been okay so far, mostly because they keep out of each other’s way. Aiden seems uninterested in making friends, and that suits Spencer just fine. Lara’s been encouraging him to talk to fellow patients instead of just the direct care staff, but he’s resisted it. The last time he befriended someone, they ended up--

Spencer’s fine with the two of them keeping to themselves.

Melanie, one of the staff accompanying them, is leaned over the back of the middle seat as she talks to Aiden. “Well, I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but I’ve seen this program help a lot of people in my time here,” she says. “Spencer?”

“What?”

“You’ve been reading a lot about horses, right?” At his nod, she continues, “What have you found out?”

“Equine-assisted psychotherapy lacks the rigorous scientific evidence to demonstrate if it provides benefits in mental health treatment. Horses have been used to aid in psychiatric treatment since the 1990’s, though,” he says. He intends to stop there, but can’t stop himself from continuing. “It doesn’t necessarily involve riding, but may include grooming, feeding, and ground exercises. The goal is to help the client in social, emotional, cognitive, and or behavioral ways.”

He can feel Aiden’s eyes on him and takes a breath before meeting them. He knows all too well that his infodumps aren’t always well received. He doesn’t want to be friends, but would prefer for his roommate to not view him with disdain or annoyance. But Aiden looks interested, and says as much--”that’s interesting.” He looks like he wants to say more, but doesn’t, and there’s silence between them for the remainder of the drive. It’s not uncomfortable, though.

When the van pulls into a parking spot and everyone starts to get out, Spencer begins to feel nervous. He’s read everything he could get his hands on, but as a relatively new therapy, there’s no standard program; it varies by facility, so he doesn’t know exactly what to expect. He’s been looking forward to this, but what if it turns out to be a bad fit for him? What if the people here don’t like him? What if the horses don’t like him?

He hangs at the back of their group of ten—six patients and two staff—as they’re led to a shaded area. They’re introduced to the program director and assistants, and are given an overview of what they’ll be doing over the next six weeks. They won’t be riding the horses, just doing groundwork (he’s not sure if he feels relieved or disappointed). Then he learns that intention of this specific program isn’t just for the horses to help the clients—the clients are to help the horses as well. The animals all have the gentle temperaments suited for therapy, but also have their own struggles. A lot of them were adopted out of poor situations.

They’re led to a circular corral next and spaced equidistantly around the edge. Spencer’s heart rate picks up as the horses are brought in—the animals will be picking their therapy partner, the director says. As they’re let off their leads a jolt of anxiety runs through his body, making him twitch slightly. This feels uncomfortably familiar to school P.E. when teams were picked. No one wanted him then. What’s gong to happen if none of the horses want him, either? He looks down at his shoes.

But just a few moments later, he hears his name, and looks up to see one of the horses approaching him. “Looks like you and Chance are our first pair,” the director is saying.

First?

Chance is almost entirely black, save for a spot of white between his eyes and above his nose. His size is a little intimidating, but his demeanor is gentle. One of the assistants comes up to Spencer and instructs him to hold out his hand so the horse can sniff it.

His hand trembles slightly as he lifts it. Warm breath hits his fingers as Chance sniffs at it. Then the horse presses his nose completely against his hand. The moistness would usually bother Spencer, but for some reason it doesn’t. Instead, a smile slowly spreads across his face. The assistant tells him he can pet Chance now. He runs his hand up and down the horse’s snout, and despite the slight coarseness of the hair, finds it soothing.

The horse shuffles closer when Spencer is given his lead to hold. A startled laugh escapes him when Chance presses his nose into his neck. He pats his head a few times, then takes a tiny step back. He’s thrilled that at least one of the horses likes him, but feels a little crowded by the large animal. To his surprise, Chance seems to understand, and takes a step back of his own.

He absently pats his horse as he watches the rest of the group pair up. He still can’t believe he was picked first.

The rest of their time with the horses is very simple. They’re taught how to lead them, and after practicing in the corral, they take the horses back to their paddocks. Spencer’s disappointed to say goodbye already, but understands the need to not overwhelm the horses or even themselves. “I’ll see you next week,” he finds himself whispering to Chance.

There’s ten minutes left in the session, and it’s spent with the director telling them more about each horses’ specific background. Chance was poorly treated by his previous owner, mostly kept locked up in a small barn and not properly cared for. He has many talents and abilities, the director says. He needs to learn that he didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was, and be told that he is brave.

Spencer rests his chin in his hand and stares out the window on the drive back to the treatment center. He knows from his reading that horses are emotionally intelligent creatures, but he’s still… well, amazed by how the horses all picked who was most similar to them out of the group instinctively.

He feels more understood by an animal he’s interacted with for twenty minutes than he has by a person for months.

Before bed that night, he chews on the stem of his pen cap, thinking over the events of his day. Slowly, in a manner that could almost be described as cautious, he picks up the empty composition book Lara gave him and opens it. His hand hovers over the blank page for a few moments, then he puts pen on paper and begins to write.

---

You made dinner reservations for his visit this Saturday. You’re getting ready for it when there’s a knock on the front door.

“I’ll get it,” Spencer calls from the living room.

You return to fixing your hair up. You’re not expecting anyone, so it’s probably just a package or a neighbor. But just a few moments later, you hear Spencer raise his voice.

“No! No, I don’t—don’t touch me, please.”

You’re only half dressed, but hurry out to the living room anyways. When you round the corner, you immediately see what the problem is: JJ has dropped by unexpectedly.

It’s not that Spencer doesn’t want to see his team. They just bring memories with them, and he had decided shortly after his birthday that he wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

He’s standing a little ways back from the door, staring at JJ while she looks back with hurt on her face. “Spence--” she starts before she sees you.

At Spencer’s side, you place a hand on his arm and he takes a step behind you. “JJ, what are you doing here?”

She struggles to keep her eyes off of him as she answers. “(Y/N), I’m sorry, I just—Will and I made cookies with the boys today and we had a lot of extra, so I just wanted to drop some off for you. I—I didn’t know Spence was here. I didn’t mean to--”

You hold up a hand to stop her. “It’s okay, JJ. You couldn’t have known. You were just trying to do something nice.”

She nods, relieved at your understanding. “Yeah. Yeah, I….” She blows out a breath, then holds out a plastic wrapped plate of cookies to you. You take it from her with a quiet thank you. Then she looks back to the man that’s essentially hiding behind you as best as he can, despite how tall he is. “Spence, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you wouldn’t want me to touch you.”

There’s a tug on your clothing as he curls his fingers into the fabric on the small of your back. You tilt your head to look at him, but his gaze is on the floor. “You…” he glances up once, then looks back down. “You should ask next time,” he says quietly.

“Okay,” she replies, just as softly. “I will.”

You bite down on the inside of your cheeks to hold back a smile. Spencer often struggles to advocate for his needs, especially with his friends and colleagues, in fear of being a burden or more of a nuisance than he thinks others already perceive him as. He did it a lot with you when you first started dating. It took a lot of time and reassurance that yes, you really did want to know his wants and needs, for him to open up. Telling JJ to ask before touching him may seem small from the outside, but it’s a big deal for him.

After a rather awkward silence, JJ speaks again. “Well, um, I should get going. Just… let us know if you need anything, okay, Spence? We—the team, we’re all here for you.”

“That’s rich,” Spencer mutters behind you and you freeze. You recognize that edge to his voice. It’s usually accompanied by sharp words and remarks that he’ll regret later.

Please please please tell me JJ didn’t hear that.

“I’m sorry?”

Fuck.

“I hate to rush you out, JJ, but we have dinner reservations, so--” you try to interject but Spencer speaks over you.

“I’m just saying, why should I believe you’re here for me when you weren’t last time?”

JJ’s eyebrows come together. “I… don’t understand, I’ve always--”

“No, you haven’t!” It’s like Spencer can’t get the words out fast enough, the way he keeps interrupting before either of you can finish a sentence. This is clearly something that’s been weighing on him. You just wish he was unloading it onto his therapist rather than poor JJ, his best friend outside of you, who’s just trying to be nice. “Ten years ago I was shooting up in police station bathrooms and Emily is the only one who said a damn thing.”

His grip on your clothes tightens, forcing you to take a step back. You move the plate of cookies to one hand and reach back with the other, circling it around his wrist. “Spencer.”

Realization dawns on JJ’s face and she crosses her arms. “Spence, I couldn’t--”

“You couldn’t.” The little laugh he lets out derisive. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

You don’t know where all this is coming from or what he’s referring to, but JJ does, her expression hardening.

“You know what would have happened if the higher ups found out,” she says. “I was protecting your job. We all were.”

“You shouldn’t have!” he cries, emotions other than anger seeping into the words. “This damn job is one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me! I got anthrax poisoning, I still have issues with my knee from being shot. I nearly died from a shot in the neck, and let’s not forget, I was framed for murder by a psychopath I arrested, who then kidnapped my mother while I was in prison! Oh, and what else? Oh right, this job is the reason I’m a fucking addict in the first place!”

JJ’s clearly trying to hold back tears now, but one slips out and your heart aches for her. You close your eyes briefly and take a deep breath, then speak quietly but firmly. “Spencer, you need to leave the room.”

You can hear him breathing shakily behind you. “(Y/N)--”

“Now.” You squeeze his wrist and he finally lets go of your clothing. He takes a few steps away, stops, turns back and opens his mouth to say something, but at the look you give him, shuts it and continues on his way out.

A sniffle draws your attention back to JJ, who’s looking up at the ceiling and swiping at the tears sliding down. “Sorry,” she mutters. “I shouldn’t have come by without giving you a heads-up. I’ve just made things worse.”

“No, JJ, don’t be sorry. It--” There’s thumping noises from further back in the apartment so you step forward and shut the front door behind you. She has her arms wrapped around herself when you turn back.

“It’s not your fault,” you continue. “You were just trying to be nice. You’re a good friend to him. He’s just… everything is really raw for him right now, if that makes sense?”

She nods, wiping at her eyes again.

“It’s, uh, not an excuse, though,” you clarify. “That’s not what I’m trying to say. You didn’t do anything wrong. That was all him, so please don’t blame yourself.”

JJ is quiet for a bit, staring at the floor. Then she says, “I should get going.”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” you agree quietly. Realizing you’re still holding the plate of cookies in one hand, you lift it slightly and add, “Thanks for these. And, um… I’m so sorry about that.”

She shakes her head and glances at the door. “Don’t be. Like you said, it was all him,” she murmurs.

You know she’s right, but you’re still barely able to stop yourself from apologizing again as she descends the stairs. You can’t help but feel like you should have done more, stopped him somehow, even though you don’t know how you could have. The way his behavior changed… it was like he wanted to get it all out, and when Spencer Reid wants to say something, it’s nearly impossible to get him to stop.

The apartment isn’t quiet when you walk back in. There’s the scraping and clatter of a desk drawer, followed by frantic footsteps and the thud of books falling off the shelves. You know what he’s doing, and you know he won’t find anything, so you just lock the front door and continue on to the kitchen to put the cookies away.

You lean on the counter and cover your face with your hands. It doesn’t matter if you mess up your hair or face, or anything, really, because you’re not making it to dinner anymore.

You stay like that for a while, eyes closed, trying to think of a place to even start with Spencer after all of that. When the sounds of him tearing through the apartment stop, you lift you head back up and promptly jump—he’s staring at you from the nearest doorway.

“Jesus, Spencer--”

“Where’s my stuff?” he asks, and the seriousness in his tone of voice makes your anxiety spike. You know exactly what he means by stuff.

“It’s gone. What did you think was gonna happen?”

“Yeah, but it’s…” he trails off and his expression puzzles you. It almost looks like he’s confused. “It’s all gone.”

Ah. “Yeah, well, I know you think you’re sneaky, but you’re very much the opposite when you’re not sober,” you reply. “Finding your hiding spots wasn’t hard.”

He drops his gaze to the floor, frowning. “I don’t like it when you move my things,” he says quietly.

“I don’t like it when you use,” you counter.

He visibly flinches, then his hand tightens on the door frame. “I’m not going to—to take it, I just want to hold it. Where’s my stuff?” he repeats.

“Holding it, right,” you sigh.

“It’s comforting,” he argues.

“Even if I believed that, it wouldn’t matter, Spencer. I threw it all out. There’s none here.”

The humming noise he makes is angry, and he rocks back and forth on his feet in an agitated manner. “You shouldn’t… I don’t….”

I don’t have the energy for this. It’s a thought you feel terrible about as soon as you have it, but it’s the truth. Lara had cautioned you before his first visit that he was going to be hypersensitive to disappointment and frustration until he learned how to cope with the feelings he’d been using the Dilaudid to block out. Unfortunately, the information, while useful, didn’t always make his emotional extremes easier to deal with.

You run a hand down your face. “Spencer…” you start. You’re not sure what to continue with, but you don’t have to—for whatever reason, that sets him off.

He tears his eyes away from the floor to glare at you. “Don’t—don’t touch my things ever again!” Then he turns and all but runs to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

You suck in a breath and drop your head to the counter. The marble is cool and you thump your forehead against it gently a few times, focusing on breathing in and out slowly to calm down. When you’re ready, you walk as quietly as you can to the bedroom door and press your ear against it to hear the unmistakable sound of Spencer sobbing into his pillow.

Part of you wants to go in and comfort him, but you suspect that you’d just make it worse right now since some of his frustration is directed at you. And truth be told, you’re frustrated with him, too. So you retreat to the living room, flopping down on the couch and pulling out your phone to call the restaurant to cancel your reservations. Doing so is more upsetting than you expected; a few tears of your own slide down your face after you hang up. Before you know it, you’re calling Tara.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asks you.

“I…” You swallow down the lump in your throat. “Spencer’s… we’re having a bad day. If you’re not busy, can I talk to you about it?”

“Of course,” is her gentle reply, and you pull yourself to your feet, moving to the farthest point away from the bedroom in the apartment so Spencer won’t overhear.

“He got angry when you told him you got rid of everything?” she guesses when you reach that part.

“Yeah. He told me that he doesn’t like it when I move his things. I already knew that; that’s why everything else is where he left it. I think he was mostly just caught off guard that I knew all his hiding places.”

“If he’s having a trauma response to seeing JJ, he’s not going to be thinking clearly, either,” Tara points out. “I wasn’t there, so I could be wrong, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like she was some sort of trigger for him.”

“That’s more than a fair assessment. It’s just… confusing,” you say. “He wasn’t like this with her when he first got home from prison. He actually spent a lot of time at JJ’s house before his relapse. He’d go over and hold Michael when he couldn’t sleep. Why is seeing his best friend suddenly such a bad thing?”

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t have to make sense to us. It only has to make sense to the traumatized part of the brain,” she explains. “He may not even know why himself.”

“Hmm.” You ponder it for a moment. “I think I’d find that interesting if I wasn’t living it.”

Tara laughs out loud at that. “Yeah, I’ve found that to be rather commonplace sentiment in the field of psychology.”

You take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling calmer. “Thanks for listening,” you say. “I feel better now.”

“Anytime, (Y/N).”

You exchange goodbyes, making plans to catch up properly over lunch next week. You hang up, then tiptoe back to the bedroom door. It’s quiet now; Spencer seems to have stopped crying. You knock softly. “Honey? Can I come in?”

When he doesn’t respond, you try the door handle. It’s unlocked, which is a good sign—he’s upset, but not upset enough to completely shut you out. You open the door just enough to look in.

Spencer’s on the bed as expected, huddled under his weighted blanket. His back is to the door and you see his shoulders shuddering in the little breaths that follow him crying. In your experience, he usually seeks out comfort before this stage, often having the breakdown itself in your arms or stumbling into them halfway through. This is a bit of uncharted territory. You know that after outbursts of negative emotions, he tends to need reassurance and touch from someone to help him decompress and feel better. You just don’t know if that’s going to hold true for this kind of reaction. A trauma response, Tara called it. You hope it will, because you don’t know what else to do.

“I’m going to come in now,” you tell him before taking a step inside. You leave the door open behind you so he won’t feel trapped, then slowly approach him, looking out for signs that he doesn’t want you near—tensing muscles, slight rocking, shaking his head—but he stays still.

Once you sit down on the edge of the bed you can see his face. His eyes are puffy and his cheeks are red and raw from wiping away tears. A few are still slipping out, sliding sideways down his face and dropping onto the wet patch on his pillowcase as he stares blankly at the wall across the room.

Hesitantly, you reach out and touch his arm as lightly as you can. He takes in a deep breath, but does nothing to suggest that he wants you to remove it. After a few moments to ensure that he’s okay with touch, you start running your hand up and down his back. He whimpers a little in response, closing his eyes and titling back into your touch.

“Are you okay?” you ask softly.

You don’t get a straightforward answer. He chews on his bottom lip for a bit before speaking in a scratchy voice. “Can you…?” he mumbles, lifting his head up slightly from the pillow, then dropping it back down. You don’t know what he’s asking for until you see some of his fingers poking out from under the blanket and the stroking motion they’re making.

You maneuver across the mattress to sit against the headboard, jostling him as little as you can, and he shifts to place his head in your lap. When you start carding your fingers through his hair, his eyes flutter closed and he lets out a little sigh.

“What’s going on?” you ask once the tension has faded and his body has settled fully into the mattress. He just shrugs and you press your lips together to hold back a sigh. You’re familiar with him going nonverbal and you know that he can’t help it, but it’s discouraging. One of the main things he’s been working on is being more open about his emotions. It’s been a welcome change to not have to pry things out of him. But he seems to have gone right back to old habits tonight and it’s… well, it’s disappointing.

The silence carries on for a long time as you continue to run your hands through his hair. He’s so still and relaxed that you think he may have fallen asleep until he takes in a deep, shuddering breath and clears his throat. “I… I want to go back,” he whispers.

“Back whe--” you start, then your heart drops as you realize what he means. “Oh.”

Your hands fall to your lap as he sits up and clambers out of bed, muttering, “gonna get changed.” He shuts the bathroom door behind him—for whatever reason, he’s not always comfortable with you seeing him changing or in the shower anymore—and you sit still for a few moments, processing what he just said. After over a month of listening to him express his desire to come home—begging you, even, in the beginning—you were unprepared to hear the opposite.

You shake your head slightly to try and clear it, then follow his lead, leaving the bed and changing out of your fancy clothes, trying not to think about how much you had been looking forward to wearing them to the restaurant.

Spencer remains quiet for the drive back to his treatment center, staring out the passenger side window, legs pulled into his chest. He mumbles a quick “bye” to you when you check him back in—no hug or kiss on the cheek like you’ve grown accustomed to. Instead he turns right back to the nurse and staff member running the process and asks, “Is Matt working tonight? I need to talk to him.”

At least he wants to talk to someone, you tell yourself as you leave, trying to soothe the sting caused by the fact that the someone isn’t you.

---

The next time you see him is six days later, on Friday evening. You’ve only talked once since Saturday, over the phone on Wednesday night, and it wasn’t a long call. He was upset about the horse therapy appointment being canceled that afternoon because of the weather—it had rained hard all day—and didn’t say much else. He ended the call before the ten minute mark, saying that he was tired and wanted to go lie down.

He also didn’t request a visit for the weekend—he either didn’t think his treatment team would approve it or he just didn’t want one. So you’re visiting him at the center today. You’ve brought dinner with you—you cooked one of his favorites yourself—but before you eat, you’re having an appointment with him and his therapist.

Spencer glances up only briefly when you enter the office, quickly looking back down. One of his knees is bouncing.

You sit down on the other side of the couch, looking between him and Lara in the chair across from you. “So, um, what’s going on?” you ask.

Spencer looks to Lara and she gives him an encouraging nod. He takes in a deep breath before speaking. “I… I wanted to talk to you about what ha—happened last week,” he says quietly, keeping his gaze on his lap.

You don’t know why exactly he wants to do it here, with his therapist, but wanting to talk about it at all is a good sign.. “Okay. I’m listening.”

“Right, um. Seeing… seeing JJ, it--” he stops abruptly, and his hands tremble slightly as he runs them down his thighs. “Sorry, doing… doing this is making me really anxious.”

“Take your time,” Lara says and you nod in agreement.

“Okay.” He runs his hands through his hair a few times before continuing. “Se—seeing her brought up emotions and, and memories I wasn’t ready to, um, confront. It… it really tri—triggered me.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” you say quietly.

Spencer grimaces at the words. He lifts his hand, puts it back down, then lifts it again and rubs at one of his eyes. “I…” he starts, then fixes his gaze on the floor and goes silent.

“(Y/N).” You tear your eyes from him and look at Lara. “Is there anything you’d like to say to Spencer about Saturday? Maybe what it was like for you?”

“Oh. Um.” You chew on your bottom lip for a moment. You’ve worried about how what you say could effect him since his relapse—one of your biggest fears is saying something that would drive him to use. But it’s stressful to keep up with, and with his therapist is probably the best place to start ridding yourself of your new habit of… well, of walking on eggshells around him.

“I think it would be good for him to know,” Lara says.

“Alright.” You lace your fingers together in your lap. “I guess it was just… startling to me. JJ’s your best friend and you’ve never acted that way to her. Or anyone, really, other than your father.”

Spencer stays silent, but flinches at the mention of his dad.

“Do you have anything to say to that?” Lara prompts. He shakes his head, so she looks back to you. “How did seeing Spencer like that make you feel?”

You take in a deep breath and let it out slowly; you’re a little scared to say, not wanting to make him feel worse. “It was… distressing. Especially when he got mad at me for getting rid of his Dilaudid. I know he doesn’t like having his things touched without permission but I don’t think it was reasonable to expect that I wouldn’t have done that.”

Lara nods. “That makes sense. But our feelings aren’t always logical.”

“Yeah, I understand. I guess I just wish he would have told me what was wrong instead of being silent--”

Spencer finally speaks up then, in protest. “I couldn’t help it!”

“I—I know that,” you argue back. “I just—I’m just telling you how I felt.”

He looks away, folding his arms and sinking further into the couch.

“Spencer,” Lara says gently. “You wanted to know how (Y/N) felt, remember? And we talked about how you were probably going to hear things you wouldn’t like.”

You blink, taken aback that this was his idea. And with that comes the realization of just how long it’s been since he’s asked how you’re feeling. Thinking back, you realize that the last time you had a conversation that wasn’t only focused on his feelings and well-being was the day you found him asleep and tied to his mother. This… it’s Spencer before prison.

You’re drawn out of your thoughts by him sighing and muttering, “Yeah, I remember.”

“Alright. Anything else?” Lara asks you.

There’s a lot else, you’re discovering, but you’re not sure you can unpack it all right now. “Maybe…” you say. “Maybe he could just tell me what I can do to help when he’s… triggered?”

“I don’t know,” he says dully, and when he catches the small frown on your face, insists, “I don’t.”

“Yet,” Lara adds.

He sighs again. “Yet,” he repeats.

“I know it’s frustrating,” she says. “Your solution to these kinds of feelings before was denial or using. A solution, not just a problem,” she emphasizes. “I want you both to try and think of it like that, and get comfortable with the fact that it’s going to take awhile to overcome those habits.”

A solution, not a problem. It’s… weird to think of his addiction that way, but you can try, so you give her a nod.

“Yeah, yeah,” Spencer mumbles. But behind the defensive body language, he just seems tired.

He seems to relax a little when the meeting wraps up and it’s only the two of you in one of the rooms used for visits. He remains quiet, but when you place the plate of food you dish him across the table from yours, he slides it back and sits in the chair beside you. “Sorry,” he whispers as soon as you take a bite of food.

“For what?” you ask once you’ve swallowed.

“For yelling at you on Saturday,” he says quietly. “I was upset but I shouldn’t have yelled.”

His leg is bouncing under the table; you put your hand on his knee to still it. “Apology accepted,” you say softly.

He shakes his head slightly. “You don’t have to. I was awful to you on Saturday.”

You frown at his skewed interpretation of events. “Spencer, you really weren’t. You yelled at me, yes, but other than that, you were fine.” And you’ve said much worse when you’ve been high.

“I ruined dinner. And don’t say it’s not a big deal,” he adds before you can speak. “You mentioned it every time we spoke in the week leading up to it. You were really excited about it, and I ruined it.”

Spencer’s read you like a book—that was exactly what you were going to say. “Yeah, I was really looking forward to it,” you admit. “And it sucked to have to cancel the reservations. But there will be other dinners, and it’s not like you did it on purpose.”

“But what if I did?” His voice is so quiet that you wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t right next to you.

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean…” he rocks slightly in his seat, which you immediately recognize as one of his self-soothing behaviors. You move your hand from his knee to his hair, lightly running your fingers through the curls covering the nape of his neck to try and help. His head tilts forward a little at your touch and after a brief silence, he continues. “I just mean that self-sabotage wouldn’t exactly be something new for me.”

“Oh.” You take your time considering it; he won’t believe you if you give in to your knee-jerk reaction to protest the negative feelings he harbors towards himself. But he grows agitated at your silence, rocking a bit harder and rubbing at his eye. You tug his hair lightly without really thinking about it in response.

“I’m just thinking,” you assure. “You deserve an honest, thought-out answer.”

After taking a deep breath, he nods. “Okay. I understand. Maybe you could just, uh… to help c--comfort…” He swallows and his voice drops back to a whisper. “Could you do that again?”

“Do what?”

“Um, pull… pull my hair. You did that a few moments ago. Please?”

You almost want to tease him—a year ago, you would have. But he’s been so timid and unsure when asking for any intimate touch other than cuddling since he got back from prison. You don’t want to discourage him from asking any more than he seems to be discouraging himself.

“Of course, baby,” you answer softly, and do just that. He closes his eyes and drops his head onto your shoulder. “As far as the self-sabotaging goes, you’re… not good at lying to me,” you muse. “And after six years with you, I feel like I’m pretty familiar with all the ways Spencer Reid self-sabotages. This never even crossed my mind until you brought it up, so I don’t see that as being what happened.”

You can’t tell if he believes you. A neutral “okay” is all you get from him, but at least he’s not outright disagreeing.

You gently pull his hair a few more times. “You should eat before it gets cold and we have to heat it up again.”

He takes the suggestion, picking his fork up, but you’ve never seen him less enthused about eating one of his favorite foods. He’s only cleared half of his plate when you’re done with all of yours.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

You can’t help but sigh at the habitual response, and consider your next words carefully. “Spencer, I don’t mean to be pushy, but you told me you were working on not dismissing people’s concern for you when they express it.”

“I am,” he mutters, but doesn’t say anything else, just continues to push his food around his plate aimlessly.

“Well, is something wrong with the food?” you ask. “Did I get the texture wrong, or--”

“No, no,” he interrupts, shaking his head. “It’s not the food. The food’s great. It’s… it’s me that’s the problem.”

Your eyebrows come together. “I don’t understand.”

“I…” He starts to blush. “I’m not eating it all because I think I need to lose some weight.”

“Don’t you dare,” you say immediately without thinking. He makes a startled noise at the same time you clap your hand over your mouth. You definitely don’t want him to lose weight, you just hadn’t meant for it to come out like that.

On the day he came home and agreed to treatment, you’d seen just how underweight he’d become as you helped him unbutton his shirt. The stark outline of his ribs against his skin had been scary, and you had no desire to see that again. It was a relief when he started to gain back what he’d lost in prison and afterwards. And you were happy to see him continue to put on even more than that.

You clear your throat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that. You were just so skinny when you got here. You look good like this.”

“I’ve never weighed this much before,” he says, and the distress in his tone makes you think that this is a fact that has been bothering him for a while. “Some of my clothes are getting too tight.”

“We can buy you new clothes.”

“But we don’t know how much longer the insurance will cover my stay here. Residential treatment is expensive. We don’t need to be spending extra money on clothes when I could just lose the weight instead and not need them.”

“Hey.” You put your hand on his cheek. “I don’t want you to worry about money. The insurance is covering it for now. If they stop, that’s a problem to deal with when we get there. Just focus on getting better.”

He looks away from you, down to his lap. “I should still lose some weight,” he says eventually.

“Have you medical staff told you that?” you inquire, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” he admits with a sigh.

“Then you’re not allowed to worry about it,” you say firmly. “Finish your dinner.”

Spencer hesitates, but picks his fork back up. The corners of his mouth turn up just slightly when he starts eating again, telling you that despite his fretting, he’s happy not to stop himself from eating as much as he wants.

He seems to be in a much better mood at the end of the evening than he was when you arrived, though a bit more subdued and quieter than normal. He also appears to be very tired. It’s only 7:30 but he keeps yawning. He denies dozing off with his head on your shoulder while you were talking after dinner, but you’re sure he did.

During your parting hug, he nestles his face into your neck just like he always does when you’re sleeping in bed together. “Try and get some good sleep tonight,” you encourage, smoothing your hands down his back. “And Spencer?”

He pulls back to look at you and you settle your hands lightly on his waist. “I meant it, you know.” You squeeze slightly. “When I said you look good like this.”

It takes him a few moments to catch onto what you’re implying; when he does, his eyebrows shoot up and his breath catches. “Oh. O—okay. I’ll, um…” he glances down shyly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You better.” You look over your shoulder as you leave, and the small smile he’s wearing prompts one of your own.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

i'd like to put it out there that i don’t hate jj and i really hope it didn’t come across like that. i hadn’t even planned that scene; it just wrote itself. i promise it’ll be resolved before the end of this fic.

another shoutout to the book The Body Keeps the Score for helping immensely with the planning and writing of this. i literally have pages of notes from it.

you can also find irl pictures of spencer’s therapy horse here.

all we can do taglist: @thatsonezesty13 , @jhillio , @elitereid

general taglist: @calm-and-doctor

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds self insert #spencer reid #angst #my fic #tw substances #one day i'll write something that's short

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS: https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things:

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh.

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami.

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience.

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly.

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™ for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

#tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn norman #norman tpn #essay post #god why do i do this to myself #dear god help me this is 5000 words #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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with-the-same-tattoos · 3 years

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Been thinkiny a lot about Brahms bc like. I've mentioned this before but I reflect a lot of my own issues as someone isolated (mine a purposful act of isolation since I got into my teens), and growing up with lacking socialization. Which like... is why I don't see him as immature, just... more awkward, anxious. Not used to communicating his thoughts, emotions, etc properly.

His whole life situation is s o m e s s e d u p. And i feel like he, somewhere inside, knows it, but feels like he can't do anything about it. I feel like mr. and mrs. Heelshire knew too, but it's that whole... we have taken this so far, the isolation is getting to us, and we don't know how to stop this boulder from rolling. Plus like, a lot, a lot of denial.

One detail I'm obsessed w is how, as long as things are calm, getting quieter / seem to be going his way, he keeps up that baby voice, moves very gently, etc. The little pouty posture in his room was so so childish and perfect. But if things are even slightly wrong, he seems to drop all those mannerisms, becoming just the... hulking gorilla man he is tm. And idk i just... you kno?? I feel like those are the mannerisms he exepts people to exept from him.

Idk i just love the depiction of Brahms as this shut in old cranky fucker who struggles w empathy and communication but can be extremely compassionate. Like again im just hcing a character that says like 10 words in the whole movie but tbh I just wanna write a fic abt him taking care of a dog bc i dont have the money to commission anyone to write that for me so FUCK

Like I feel him. He's an asshole, don't get me wrong. But asshole in a way that I feel like he could have a fantastic, mad interesting arc of growth as a person. The emotional regulation. The frusturation of the years he might feel he wouldv lost. The possible feelings of purposlessness if he stops his routines for like one second. The meltdown over that. Rly, my dream arc for him would be to become a half hermity little author but i might be taking it too wholesome.

Actually idc i just wanna. Wholesome for.my heart :) fuck it

Anyways sorry he is just very interesting

#brahms heelshire #the boy #.personal #kinda #feel a bit awkward about tagging this but idk #i would LOOVE to hear other peoples thoughts on his personality #my fave depictions of him r always the big bear clunky incel tbh

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thebibliosphere · 4 years

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“Could MCAS/histamine be causing my child’s Autism, should I try lowering their histamine intake to help cure this?”

Normally I skim past the messages in my inbox like this, but I’ve been seeing an alarming increase in them, along with a lot of Anti-Autism propaganda on MCAS boards, so here we go. Time to piss off the Internet again.

Short answer? No, MCAS is not the “cause” of your child’s Autism, and no, eating a low histamine diet will not “cure” them.

Longer answer: No, but MCAS or histamine intolerance (HIT) could be making other symptoms worse, which could, in turn, be causing sensory overload/distress which makes life harder for your Autistic child.

This does not mean you should rush out to put your child on a low histamine diet to try and “cure” them. Low histamine diets are incredibly nutrient deficient and harmful with long term use. It’s functional purpose is that of an elimination diet to see if systemic symptoms improve by removing high histamine foods from the diet, among other factors such as certain types of cleaning products, scented things (some people with MCAS are extremely sensitive to scents, including things like fabric conditioner, essential oils, scented candles, etc, etc) and other external stress factors, to see if overall health and wellbeing improves. After a period of four weeks, certain things are added back into the diet to see if they trigger a response, and if so, you know those are your main triggers you need to avoid, while still trying to eat as nutritionally balanced a diet as possible. For some folks, only the highest histamine foods (alcohol, chocolate, tomatoes, seafood, anything fermented, etc) are their worst triggers. For some of us our bodies become so damaged from perpetual mast cell degranulation, we wind up losing nearly everything and end up subsisting on a very basic and meager diet until we are able to stabilize and start to heal, which is a lengthier process. In brief: it is not something to be undertaken lightly, and it can have real and lasting repercussions to a person’s health if done incorrectly, which is why a low histamine diet needs to be undertaken with the aid of a qualified medical doctor.

Now, some of the symptoms of a histamine overload/mast cell event can include neurological dysfunction. To give you a personal example, when I am experiencing histamine overload, my brain goes into fight or flight mode from all the adrenaline my body is producing to compensate, and I wind up having multiple panic attack episodes, brain fog, confusion, headaches, and a couple of other symptoms. It is overall harder for me to think and regulate my emotions, and is very distressing to deal with. A large part of my anxiety and constant existential dread went away when I started getting treatment for MCAS, which has enabled me to stay calmer and more chill, which is good because stress by itself is also a known mast cell trigger.

What getting treatment for mast cell has not done, is take my ADHD away.

MCAS/HIT did not cause me to be neurodivergent. I was and always have been neurodivergent, but I was not always sick. Being sick merely made being neurodivergent harder to deal with, although tbh, I would challenge anyone not to have a complete mental breakdown when your body is constantly going into anaphylaxis for no discernible reason.

Eating a low histamine diet did not directly make my ADHD better, what happened was my health improved, and my mentalh health improved because I wasn’t always on the verge of dying. And turns out not having that kind of stress looming in your life makes having ADHD that little bit easier to deal with.

Similarly, low histamine dieting will not “cure” Autism, because Autism isn’t a disease and people really need to stop treating it like it is.

It may help manage certain things if your child is experiencing distress from histamine overload—I know it certainly helped me to deal with my emotional dysregulation by not always being in a state of panicked fight or flight—but it’s not going to “cure” them or “bring your baby back” because your baby is right there and has always been, you’re just being too ableist and neurotypical to see it.

Acceptance and support will go a lot further in helping. And if you think they may be having mast cell issues or histamine issues, by all means try to help them. But don’t keep looking for a boogey man that isn’t there. It isn’t vaccines, it isn’t MCAS, it isn’t “big pharma”.

Neurodivergency is not the enemy here. And those of us with complex health issues that can in fact be fatal if ignored, would really appreciate it if you would stop taking our very serious ailment and attributing it something you wrongly percieve as a fault because you cannot for one second percieve the value of your child for who they are, and not what you want them to be.

#chronic health tag #mcas #life with mcas #autism #the downside of being one of the more visible bloggers who talks about mcas #is the fact that everyone wants to talk to you about mcas #and I don't mind helping people looking for genuine answers #but if you're going to come into my inbox asking me if I think this could 'cure' your kids Autism #you and I are going to have a bad time #also sorry if any of this is worded poorly #please ping me if I made a mistake somewhere and I will correct it

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adultingautistic · 3 years

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I try and talk to ppl about my autism but they dont listen to me, they just brush me off and say “but youre very high functioning” but i only am because I get lot of help from my parents, I wouldnt be considered HF wo them, and despite how much they help me I still struggle w LOTS of stuff on the dl, and some is v embarrassing tbh that I dont wanna tell ppl. How can I get ppl to take my autism seriously and not just brush me off as “high functioning” wo revealing super personal things abt me??

Ask date: September 15th

Short answer: You can’t. The only way to explain to people that you struggle is to explain your struggles, which means to give them personal details.

Before you explain autism to anyone, you need to ask yourself why you are trying to explain your autism to this person, and what is your goal in doing so?

For example, with my coworkers, I do not try to explain every symptom of autism that I have and every struggle in my life. Instead, I only explain to them symptoms that affect work.

So for work, that means communication struggles and my Auditory Processing Disorder, mostly. I only explained my communication struggles to my one coworker that I work most closely with, because I ask her to read most of my emails before I send them. I ask her to help me say things the right way. I also ask for her help in reading emails that I don’t understand, and she is very kind in helping me when I don’t understand something.

For my APD I have official reasonable accommodations set up, so that I get captions for phone meetings (and they are SUPPOSED to avoid any meetings where captions aren’t possible, but I’m constantly fighting that battle...).

So that’s how I explain my autism to the people at work- I only tell them about the symptoms that affect me at work. I don’t tell them about my issues with food, or that I have to wear 100% cotton clothes, or that I listen to the same song on repeat all day at work. They don’t need to know those things, because it doesn’t affect how I do my job.

When I’m trying to explain my autism to my doctor, I explain a different set of symptoms. I explain to them that I do not feel pain the same way as allistics, and that I need them to not rule out any diagnosis based on my description of pain or how something feels. Some doctors listen. Many do not. I don’t go back to those doctors. It’s hard work, but I search for doctors who do listen and do believe me when I tell them I feel pain differently, and those are the doctors I keep. But I do not need to explain to my doctors the difficulties that I have with watching videos, or my reading comprehension struggles, because they don’t need to know that. That’s only something my coworkers need to know.

When I’m trying to explain my autism to my friends, what I need from them is very different from what I need from my coworkers or doctors. From my friends I need emotional support, and so I want them to know about and understand the more personal struggles I deal with. I tell them about my difficulty with emotional regulation so that when I’m crying at work, I can reach out to them for help to get me through the moment. I tell them about how I was stimming in the doctor’s waiting room like crazy and people were staring at me like I was a freak, so I need them to know what stimming is and why I need to do it, so they can support me. With my friends, I do tell them the embarrassing and personal details, because I trust them.

So I’m not sure who it is you’re trying to explain your autism to, but you don’t need to explain the whole thing to every person you interact with. For acquaintances like coworkers, doctors, study friends, etc, you only need to explain the symptoms that affect the activity you’re doing with them.

The only time I think it’s worth it to try to explain all of my autism to someone is with people who I trust deeply, like my close friends and my therapist. These are the people I need for support and to lean on in many different kinds of situations, and so they are the ones I want to describe my “full autism” to. But they are also the ones that I do trust with my most personal struggles.

It’s too exhausting to try to make every allistic you meet understand autism. For some allistics, it can take them a lifetime to understand autism, and it’s not worth putting in that work unless that person is very close to you and going to be with you for a long time.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #coming out #explaining autism #autism education #social interaction #accommodation #ask

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atopearth · 4 years

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Ayakashi: Romance Reborn Part 2 - Koga (Book II Dawn Chapter)

I assume that just like the heroine, Akiyasu probably has around 5 ayakashi contracted with him, and one of them is Kagemaru? Ooh, so not only did Akiyasu steal the Tome of the Forbidden, he also started the Wraiths and is trying to use the heroine as a sacrifice to revive the dead? I honestly appreciate the explanation because I kinda forgot some stuff since the last time I played the story haha. And that's why he kidnapped the heroine's father, because he wants to use him as a bargaining chip with her. In accordance with all this, he wants to summon a great Wraith that is slumbering somewhere in the capital to I guess destroy the soldiers and everyone he hates for killing his father and other Onmyojis? Well, Kyonosuke is very controlling, he has no right to stop the heroine from going after Akiyasu or even interacting with him considering the circumstances with her father. Especially since her father got hexed protecting her and who knows how he is doing now, like sure they'll keep him alive but to what extent? The only reason it is a bad idea now is that they don't know where they are and their forces so they have no choice but to wait anyway though. I'm glad the heroine realised how silly she was to fight alone instead of needing Koga to reprimand her. She was the one that told him it was reckless to fight by himself but here she is doing the exact same thing. It's nice that she was able to realise how irrational she was being because of her father, but I'm glad Koga didn't shout at her and instead was there to listen to her since I guess he knew how wrong it was for her to be here alone. I'm glad Koga reasoned with her that her father is most likely alive because Akiyasu still needs him for leverage, and they wouldn't bother hauling him off with them if he was dead lol. I really liked how kind and attentive he was towards her since her emotions were all over the place, it was really wonderful to see him care for her like that.

Ooh, Koga knew Masanobu's older brother, and that's probably why he cares for him and his family so much. It's sad though, not only did the brother die, the father was possessed by a Wraith and imprisoned/left to die since it's impossible to rid of a Wraith without an Onmyoji... The poor people who couldn't be saved... Well, tbh, although it's terrible that the soldiers kill those possessed because there's no other way they know of to save them, I'm not sure leaving them to die is any better. Like, I know at least they're not killing them in cold blood, but imagining them suffering in agony as their souls are consumed by Wraiths doesn't sound any kinder. So really, I can't blame them for that, but I would blame them for killing all the Onmyoji that could have helped all these people and their whole situation. I didn't think that Akiyasu would give his body to be corrupted by the Masakado Wraith in order to exact his revenge against the capital... Also surprising that Koga allowed himself to go into his carnage form (where he loses control of his mind and relies on instinct; some kinda rare condition that some Oni ogres have) in order to stop Akiyasu. I felt bad that Kuya was burdened with killing him if this ever happened, so I'm glad the heroine remembered about the sachet (through her dream of the past her) to help him seal his strength again. I thought it was really nice that the sachet was just the catalyst in getting Koga to come to his senses, but it was her and his feelings that gave Koga strength to overcome that part of him and regain himself back. It was really cute how shocked he was when she shouted at him for drinking sake instead of resting though haha. No wonder why Koga said he doesn't think that he deserves to be Masanobu's brother... It's because when his parents were killed in a fire (possible murder), his mother wasn't able to make him the medicine to stop his carnage from going out of control, and it was then that he encountered the brother and killed him without even knowing... It's such a terrible story... It's kind of saddening that Koga actually knew about the heroine before they even met because he dreamt a lot about the past her's death and how she would always die in his arms because he couldn't protect her. That's hard. But if he gives up on his life now without even trying his best to find ways to cure his carnage, then she will like him have to carry the guilt of his death forever. He shouldn't lose hope yet! I love her relationship with her father though, he knows something is going on but understands that she can't tell him anything, and just silently believes in her and cares for her, it's really sweet.

Kyonosuke really plays so dirty that I'm honestly finding it hard to like him. He has no respect towards Onmyoji yet expects the heroine and her ayakashi to do the government's bidding because this is the "regulated law" whereas whatever they're doing is like renegade stuff. He even practically decided to kill them because they're not listening to him, like wow, are you sure dude? Even if they're disobeying, you do realise that the reason you reached out to the heroine was because you knew you couldn't handle the Wraiths through normal means? It's just pretty crazy how Kyonosuke thinks he has all the power and authority when the government is more of the one needing help. Honestly, just with Kyonosuke's attitude, I'm more keen on siding with Akiyasu, but only if he weren't so crazy either lol. His methods may be wrong but I do understand Akiyasu's motivations. I'm glad she's listening more to Akiyasu and understanding more about what kind of person Kyonosuke is and how it's people like him who has caused Akiyasu to rise up and fight violence with violence. Listening to Kyonosuke will not bring peace to the capital and I'm happy she's decided that she must go against him, or basically just not align herself with him. Like, he probably has his own issues to deal with inside the government etc, but honestly, he's pretty ruthless towards anyone that doesn't agree with the government and it's hard to empathise with him when the cause of all this trouble is because the government killed all the Onmyoji. Anyway, Koga coming to his senses because of the heroine was cute. I really like how they've basically confirmed their feelings for each other by the heroine asking Koga to never leave her, and him replying that he'll never leave the woman he loves. It took a long time for their sort of reincarnation to reunite, but it was all worth it.

Overall, I knew there wasn’t much romance in these Book II stories from what other people have said, but I still quite enjoyed it. Sure, it’s not very focused on the romance but I’m cool with it because I think Koga’s story was relatively interesting and I think the book helped to develop his character, which I think is much more important before the romance really comes haha, well hopefully there’s a continuation, I mean, there’s gotta be! XD Anyway, I enjoyed how mature and understanding Koga is balanced with how thoughtful the heroine is. They’re not the most interesting couple but I think they work well seeing how considerate they both are towards each other.

#ayakashi romance reborn

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diivinitiies · 4 years

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→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

i remember mentioning a million years ago how i was gonna try to write out something about how jae-ha’s mind works and basically the influence that his childhood abuse ( which was physical and mental // emotional ) had on him. so here is an attempt to expand on it a little more. idk i probably will edit this more as time goes on but i wanted to post this here really for my own reference.

jae-ha has complex ptsd ( with psychosis ) given that it was chronic abuse ( happened over a period of 12 years ). he didn’t have many of the protective factors either — he was socially and physically isolated, and his abuser was really his only point of contact ( though i often mention garou as his sole abuser, the villagers were also complicit in this abuse, and really the purveyor of it ). his mental d/o is undiagnosed, even in his modern verse ( since he had no interest in going to therapy & refused to ). i’ll split this up into childhood and adulthood manifestations because while he hasn’t “gotten over it” he has shifted in the symptoms he primarily experiences. his coping mechanisms into adulthood make the existence of these issues more subtle, but sometimes he does experience the other ( childhood ) symptoms, just less frequently than when he was younger & usually brought on by a trigger. just fyi, jae-ha will probably never really speak about this in its entirety, especially the hallucinations.

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

paranoia // distrust // hypervigilance — constantly on edge around others, didn’t really want to stay in one place // he was constantly on the run thinking that the villagers would be after him, even long after he left // he was often distrustful of the intentions of others after garou died and he lived on the streets // he had to deal with people who wished to use him & his powers for his own benefit even outside of his childhood home and that further cemented his distrust in those around him

anxiety surrounding being touched — usually manifesting as initial flinch // recoil // disgust reflex due to an expectation of pain. might have reacted violently to it as well, depending on how someone touched him ( if it was a harsh touch, he’d respond likewise ) // he’s likely to be more hesitant around men than women

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

insomnia — to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, he’d often just stay up to try to avoid it, resulting in many sleepless nights // he’d often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep

hallucinations — auditory, visual, & tactile // seeing ghosts // feeling the weight of chains on his wrists and ankles though they were no longer there // hearing garou’s voice echoing in his mind or the sounds of chains at night or at other unspecified times

panic // anxiety attacks — these could come out of nowhere or actually have a trigger ( usually being touched, having arrows aimed at him, threatened to be shot down ) // when confronted with dangerous situations, he’d hyperventilate, start to think he was going to die, etc.

angry and violent outbursts — could come from being touched or from feeling powerless // if he wasn’t progressing as he thought he should, it irritated him // when he couldn’t block garou’s voice from his mind, he would lash out // sometimes his anxiety & panic attacks could turn into outbursts of violence

withdrawal // isolation — avoided getting close to people // as a child, he would keep people at a distance through more aggressive mannerisms // in modern, this was a big reason why he refused to go into the adoption system — if his own blood didn’t want him, who would ? garou always told him that no one would want him.

internalization of negative assumptions — he was always told he couldn’t fit in // he was a monster // no one would accept him and this added to his tendency to withdraw from others out of the fear that he would be rejected or other expectations of pain // he also experienced immense guilt for leaving garou behind and for stealing his life away // often times he did believe that he deserved the abuse that he got

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive

ADULTHOOD

fetis..hization of pain instead of anxiety surrounding it — so he basically reconditioned himself to think differently about being touched to lessen his discomfort surrounding it // masochism can be used as a coping mechanism, in a way it’s taking control; jae-ha had no control over the pain that he experienced as a child, but re-framing it in a consensual context helps him come to terms with abuse

memory repression — avoids thinking about anything to do with his past abuse at all but certain things can make him remember and cause him to withdraw ( usually he makes jokes about the subject, tries to brush it off, and then withdraws completely if the subject is pushed // may get angry tbh )

claustrophobia and cleithrophobia – basically caused by his fear of being tied down without escape or enclosed in small spaces, and this can trigger panic attacks // flashbacks // this can also trigger his anxiety, and if he’s trapped long enough, starts to have these fears of death or nightmares about dying // feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness can overwhelm him // he had this when he was younger too and it carried over

withdrawal // isolation — in short, he has highly developed social skills that preclude vulnerability // instead of being reserved or aggressive as he was when he was a child, he comes off as friendly and open, but he does have many mental walls up // he shies away from emotional intimacy, but is fine with physical intimacy // in a way he can… kind of sabotage his own relationships because he has these internalized negative views, which is one of the reasons he shies away from commitment and tells himself he’s fine with being alone ( but he craves acceptance and intimacy ) // he over regulates his emotions a lot of the time, not allowing himself to feel certain things because he doesn’t want to return to the anger and recklessness of his youth

internalization of negative assumptions about himself — such as being a monster, ugly, undeserving, never going to fit in, etc. — but instead of believing them outwardly, he over compensates by putting an emphasis on beauty, his appearance, independence, and freedom, convincing himself he’s better off alone instead of people don’t want me // his over confidence masks his insecurities

self-medication — not saying he’s an alcoholic, but will turn to it in order to escape the discomfort of the present // in modern verses, he uses drugs like weed and smoking cigarettes for that, along with alcohol still // he has used harder drugs before but that was in his youth

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

insomnia — not as bad as when he was younger, but he can still find it difficult to fall or stay asleep; his sleep habits really aren’t the best even as an adult // he does still have nightmares, though less frequent than in his childhood

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

hypervigilance — manifesting more as keen perception than paranoia, since he has a better handle on it // he is very aware of people’s nonverbal cues, facial expressions, tone, etc. and he is very aware of his surroundings

chronic pain — dull aches and pains usually around his wrist and ankles // he’ll get bad migraines // can manifest in other areas of his body, but the aforementioned areas are the most common // honestly he barely notices the pain anymore

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma:

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i’m guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

#( ❝ a beautiful monster // headcanons. )#child abuse ment ///#drug mention //

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nyanzaya · 4 years

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@if-that-so inquired · an hour ago: You talk about shizaya astrological signs before, what about zuiza???? Like i know if i dig deeper into this blog i'll found it but we need more content!!! We need you to rant more these thing that you're passionate about!!! And tbh i replied a little bit in the group chat when you about akashiki but tumblr being the stupid mofo like it always did won't let the reply sent.

For the Shizaya astrological signs, I just talked about one part of their compatibility which was just the modality which basically is your basic quality ontop of what your star sign is and never mind your moon, venus, mars, saturn, mercury, neptune uranus and pluto LOL It’s very complicated but it’s more simple than it actually is.

I’ve got some things about them though most of it is about Iza LOL

Iza’s 1 / 2 / 3 / and honestly these aspects and house placements are so important for someone to understand if they want a relationship with Iza because heck, he’ll give his everything after he trusts them and falls for them but oof lol

Then for Zuo and Iza’s charts overlaying each other and what it means: 1 / Believe me, this is all accurate for them when they were together LOL it’s almost scary accruate

so for, Iza and Zuo I’ll also just talk about their similarities and their differences of course.

Positive: Active, self-motivated, insightful, ambitious and independent. Negative: Hasty, Impulsive, Inconsiderate, Domineering, difficulty following through.

As we can see, already they have more in common than they would probably like to admit. They are both active in their own ways. Zuo is more inclined to be active physically during the day, such as being outside, playing sports or even fighting. Iza is more inclined to be active during the night, such as being active with his mind and keeping himself mentally stimulated. Even going outside every once in a while to partake in an activity, whether that means he’s “taking an interest in someone”, sunbathing and “hunting”. With them both being active this in turn means they are self-motivated. Though, they both can have trouble following through with things like promises and various other things. Both of them are more insightful that what some people would give them credit for.

Iza’s very insightful in people; he can read and understand body language so easily that he has come to rely on that resource he has to protect himself. He’s so insightful that he could probably psycho-analyze a person and he has before and whether he was right or wrong about the other person is up for debate. You would think that Zuo isn’t insightful, but he is. He had to handcraft his own weapons. He had this deep wisdom from past lives that he can tap into if he sat down and actually tried. Zuo has some insight into people as well, he can read and understand their expressions, something that Iza can’t do, and even adding onto his understanding of body language. Of course, this could make them impulsive on their judgement of people and maybe even a little inconsiderate.

For how ambitious they are; I mean. Iza had to be ambitious if he wanted to social climb to get to where he is now. He wanted to gain power and have some control over his life and he did it. He didn’t want to be someone’s pet anymore and I guess you could say that maybe something in him did “snap” because he became so...cruel and cold and bloodthristy but this all can stem from his treatment from his second and even his third. Then we look at Zuo. He didn’t want to be a pitfighter anymore and what did he do? Cause a rebellion and got himself and several others out of that life. He took leadership and his ambition to free himself and others kind of radiated and people are attracted to a confident person. Of course, as a result of this when he finally got out he was so...hyper-aggressive and defensive. He wasn’t as bloodthristy as Iza but if he felt provoked he wouldn’t hesitate in outright killing someone but as he learned to regulate himself his aggression levels dropped (and i mean, honestly he was just scared?) I mean in a way you could say they both felt so protective of themselves that they felt they had no other way to express this but to control and become domineering over other people. Of course, they did eventually learn to not be so aggressive and it did result in them being feral because they weren’t exactly socialized. (Of course this also goes into them being half-cat. If they aren’t properly socialized they kind of tend to be a little aggressive and defensive especially if they are being provoked but that’s something for a different time LOL)

Then comes the independence. I can’t simply explain why or how independent they are. In fact, they feel so independent that they feel like they don’t need anyone else. Of course, after they figure out “Oh, maybe I do need someone so I don’t feel so lonely.” Because fact is, both Iza and Zuo are actually kind of lonely. Maybe Zuo not so much but Iza especially. Zuo is pretty healthy when it comes to his independence he can set up his boundaries quite easily with other people and even partners. But Iza? Holy shit. He actually makes me cry because he as put himself so high up on a pedastool that he purposely keeps himself out of arm’s reach emotionally because he literally can not comprehend that it’s okay for him to feel vulnerable but his biggest issue is he has so much difficulty setting up boundaries. Iza literally, can’t say no to someone if they are approaching him with the intent to get intimate. The only people he can say no to is women and even then? If something happens and he finds himself in that kind of situation he just-- lets it happen. And he hates feeling powerless and that’s where his difficulty in following through really comes in. Iza can do just about everything but when it comes to emotions and actually being vulnerable in a healthy way he finds it extremely difficult. Like, consider yourself fucking BLESSED if he even tells you how he feels. Of course, this stems from how he was raised and such so of course he felt really helpless about what he can and can’t do in sexual situations but he’s learning. I mean, really learning to say no and say what he likes and dislikes. Like, bruh if I had Iza at 18/19 god. It would be like 100% worse because he just, gets tense and lets it happen even if he doesn’t like it because back then he really felt like he couldn’t say no. But now that he’s 27 he’s more confident in his ability to say “No.” And if that don’t work, hell you’re going to get claws or a kick to the face.

But as you can see, they both have the same positive and negative traits and with the fact that they are opposite signs (Aries/Libra) how they express those traits is almost opposite too. Their dynamic is a lot like Balance(libra) and Chaos(Aries) or Love(Libra) and War(Aries).

Then you bring these two together. Opposite signs can either be a hit or miss/Love and hate. With Zuo and Iza it really was a hit but then Zuo saw Iza in a different light and quickly it turned to hate. I mean:

Iza’s ears twitched. Rejection was a bitter taste. “I’m doing you a favor, Dear. Isn’t the scent wonderful? It tells us that we are survivors. So, why don’t you draw some blood as well?”

A light flickered and suddenly Zuo felt a pain on his cheek. His brows furrowed. Iza flung a blade a him. The smell of iron further increased his rage. He didn’t want to return to being a brawler. Zuo was done being a gladiator for the entertainment of others and he sure as hell was not going to give into what Iza wanted. He brought a hand to his wounded cheek before he looked at his hand. Zuo saw the blood on his fingers.

“Enough..” He spoke softly, his hand was shaking.

Iza was quiet, watching Zuo. “Enough? Enough of what? This is the only way.”

“How is this the only way?” Zuo’s closed his blood-tipped hand, as if to show his resolve on the situation.

The black feline paced, taking a blade out of his pocket and twirled it between his fingers. “How? Haven’t you heard of the saying: ‘an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth?’ To allow these...humans to continue to use us and further lower our quality of life and longevity would be horrendous, no? We are just as capable as they are.”

“Fuck off with your ‘we’ shit! There is no ‘we’. It’s just you against everyone else.” Zuo growled, flexing his hands before he brought them together to crack his knuckles.

Iza stopped pacing taking in Zuo’s words. No we? He understood now. Even Zuo was an enemy of his now. This feeling in his chest hurt. It hurt to feel how Zuo rejected him. They were together, though Iza supposed that was impossible. There was a sting in his eyes but he wasn’t going to let Zuo see him fall into tears. Without thinking, Iza flung his knife. He almost missed his target, but his blade had impaled itself in Zuo’s shoulder.

“Well, well. If there is no ‘we’ then there can never be an ‘us’.”

Zuo knew Iza twisted his words. That wasn’t what he meant but if that’s what Iza saw, then all he could do now was to stop them from this senseless killing.

These were innocent people. All Zuo saw in front of him was someone who was crazed, lusting after more bloodshed. Someone who, Zuo was fond of. It hurt to see Iza turn into someone he didn’t know, or perhaps he had known who he was all along but had never seen it from a different perspective. Perhaps, Zuo had tolerated this behavior until it was too much.

How could he save them?

The cream-colored feline pulled the knife from his shoulder. “You threw your knife at me. So, I’ll assume you meant to hit a pressure point. That’s what you do, huh? So, that means you wanted to disable me to kill me then, huh?”

Iza’s ears leaned back.

Zuo brought his other hand to the other side of the blade, snapping it in half before dropping it to the floor. Another solid resolve. Zuo was going to be the one to stop Iza. He had to be. To let the black feline running wild with power? He understood now that Iza couldn’t handle the power; the rush of the high of being on top of the world.

Zuo would bring them back to earth. Even if it meant that this was their fate: To fight and oppose each other until the end.

Iza furrowed his brows when his blade was snapped. He would never be afraid of Zuo. The black feline thought of them as something beautiful, worth praising and keeping. Iza knew Zuo was powerful and he wanted to use that power. Was it shallow of him? Perhaps but he needed it. Iza needed Zuo.

Iza laughed out loud again, raising yet another blade. “That’s exactly what I wanted to do.” He lied. “If you look so determined to stop me, then come after me.” Iza threw his blade before he turned in his heels to dash

Zuo’s fur stood on end again hearing Iza say that. Feeling the blade bite into his leg, he roared before he chased after him Zuo punched the wall holding his weapon, the pole that he had thrown before.

Once that was in hand, he chased after his lost love.

You could say this is where they broke up but as you get to know more they still are deeply in love with each other? Like right after this scene, I write this:

“Ah…” His table was broken. Zuo didn’t realize he had snapped it in half. He pulled out his catnip cigarettes, craving for a wave of calm. With the stick between his lips he lit it and inhaled, closing his eyes before he finally exhaled.

Better. Everything was okay now.

He looked at the table he had broken. The gift was still intact surprisingly. Zuo picked up it. He may as well open it considering how much trouble it had caused him.

The feline ripped it open and popped open the box to find a card and a ring and quickly Zuo found he could open it up and turn it into a sphere. There were inscriptions and astrology signs. He then read the card.

[ I still believe in fate. Do you? This was meant to be, even if it’s...bitter. Happy Birthday, Zuo. ]

Maybe there was still chance. Zuo did believe in fate and past lives. If this was how they ended up, perhaps it was always how it was meant to be. They were fated to be on oppositions. If The Scales and The Ram had anything to do with how clear their oppositions where, Zuo wouldn’t know what would show it off any better than that.

It’s clear that Iza understands that maybe this was how it was supposed to be but he hates that how it is. Zuo understands that they have their differences but they can still love each other and as much as he says he hates Iza, he honestly really cares for him. He’d say something like “I hate him. But don’t you hurt him, only I can do that.”. Zuo’s always been a little possessive over things he thinks are his after all, and this is the same for Iza.

I mean:

However difficult it might be to reconcile these two natures, remember that this is a primal opposition that represents partners by signification. Aries and Libra are the couple of the zodiac, as much as any other opposing signs, for they are each other’s seventh house, house of relationships. Even more so if we acknowledge the fact that Libra is the sign of relationships in general. Any problem they might have with each other is something to be worked on, because it shows what their personal problem with any relationship is. When they are madly attracted to each other and fall in love, there is almost nothing that could separate them, no matter the differences. Wouldn’t we all like to find the middle ground with our loved one? They need to work on their bond, that’s a fact, but their relationship is a promise of a perfect fit of two souls meant to be together.

You each have a distinct role, but you’re a tag team, too. With an opposite sign, you’re challenged to grow as a person and take responsibility for your part of the relationship. It’s like taking a big step back to get a clear perspective of your life. We tend to view things from a close-up, missing the whole picture by hyper-focusing on a detail or two. With an opposite sign, your life appears in full relief, like a finished painting. Suddenly, it all makes sense. This can be a little uncomfortable, but if you’ve manifested an opposite sign partnership, it means you’re ready to grow up.

Kind of makes you wonder if maybe they aren’t ready to grow up yet. Consider they both hadn’t had much of a childhood, huh?

#THIS TOOK ME A WHILE BUT YEAH #I didn't talk about their actual signs just their similarities and differences LOL #I can talk about their specific signs but I thought this would be more interesting<3 #long post #if-that-so #About Iza #About Zuo

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