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rebel666 · 4 years

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Confessions of a Joann Employee

UPDATE: If you want to send more confessions and/or report what’s happening at your Joann anonymously, there’s EmployeeJoann on Twitter that is responding to messages. They are constantly sharing and updating more as it becomes available to them!

A confession from a Joann employee that is in one of the Covid-19 effected areas and has so much to say about it:

-We are staying open until told by the state otherwise. Even though they declared a State of Emergency and all non-essential businesses must be shut down by 5pm on Saturday 3/21, our company is refusing to. Because Joann themselves is trying to deem Joann as an "essential" store. They even put it all over their website that we are here for the people making masks and small businesses who need fabric to continue. They quote that we are here for the customers and that we as United States Americans have a responsibility to fill this need. They aren’t looking at curbside only as an option, they aren’t looking at offering more benefits for shopping online, they want us open and people in stores. They are sending us emails with pieces of paper (unofficial, not state made) to print out and put in our cars to say we are on the way to work at an "essential retailer." Anything to make it so we can remain open.

-This sucks for employees and here’s why: The way Joann is set up is if we get sick, if we have to leave to take care of someone who is sick, if we want to self-quarantine (because of our health or the health of our loved ones), we either quit or ask to be put on Leave of Absence and cannot return without medical clearance. If we come into contact with someone who has Covid-19 (even if they came into the store), they request we stay home while the rest of us have to work even if we were standing right next to them. As long as we don’t display symptoms, we are expected to show up or we can request LoA. LoA does not pay us. The only way we as employees will be taken care of is if the store closes AND if we have two weeks of schedules set up. I was hoping the company was on the path to this when they had us cancel all the classes until May and then limited hours but all that went out the window today. Right now Joann is doing everything to prevent us from closing and in turn take care of their employees. Every single time I bring up our well-being, I get reminded that we need to think about the customer first.

-Our store is step up to have daily conference calls to talk about the current status and to express any concerns we have. I brought up the status about my county (our major has declared everyone be shut down as of 5pm tomorrow or the police will be involved) and that I am deeply concerned for us and they told me that we have a responsibility as a leader to keep everyone calm and to keep working through this. ***When I asked what if everyone in my store requests a Leave of Absence because we are all very much concerned about our health, they said, "We will replace you with team members from other stores. There are service industry people and travel workers looking for jobs and we will fill your positions with people who will work it."*** They straight up told me that we are replaceable/expendable because they value their "customers/money." It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been with the company. It all means nothing to them.

-They are sending out emails about what Joann is doing as a whole for Covid-19. Saying we are cleaning every hour and whatnot. What they fail to mention is we are a fabric store with no means of washing fabric. I see people on a daily basis cough into, wipe their snot on, kids place in their mouth, and all sorts of other nasty things into these bolts of fabric (seriously, wash the fabric you buy from Joann before doing anything). We have the basic cleaning supplies to wash floors and wipe counters with but that’s pretty much it. They are telling us as employees to bring in our own supplies if we can. An employee brought in gloves long ago just so we can use them to clean the bathrooms. Today I provided face masks for my fellow coworkers. Our store may look clean but we know its dirty little secrets.

-We are supposed to follow the whole 10 people rule but they do nothing to stop or limit people at the door and won’t do anything to enforce it. All while wanting us to cut hours to which is barely 2 people running the whole store for smaller Joann locations. It’s not safe for us to be on a bare-bones crew especially if they want us to remain an essential store.

-Joann before this was a great place to work. At least for my store. I love my store, I love the people I work with. Other stores I have heard horror stories from but mine was one of the good ones. I see them being bombarded on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to close. Not just by employees and families of employees but by concerned customers. And this pleases me because they need to take this seriously. What they do in the next 3 days will speak volumes on how much they listen to and care about us. This is a serious issue and we as employees are suffering.

As they report more, I will continue to add to this.

UPDATE 3/21: They emailed and made copies of this for employees to carry with them in their cars:

Now the CEO of Joann is also a piece of work. All you have to do is google his name and you’ll see the Walgreen’s lawsuit, his DUIs (yes, plural), and his impact on Joann since joining - which includes increasing prices because of the tariffs. One employee confirms that when tariff thing went into effect, the entire store was repriced. Some markups were a few cents but some were a few dollars. Since then the prices continue to fluctuate.

There is also a petition going on Change.org asking for Joann to Close Their Stores And Pay Employees

If you get a chance, read some of the comments people are putting in support of this:

I no longer feel safe in my workplace. The greed is sickening.

My employees deserve to be treated like people and make a livable wage and have benefits! Our health over their profit!

Staff at my local store have been asked to bring in their own gloves for cleaning. Hand sanitizer expired in 2012. Employees are reporting little to know cleaning supplies in a store that targets the elderly as a primary demographic. The material used in the masks is not medical grade. This company is shamelessly profiteering from the pandemic.

As a former employee and manager I know the company does not follow any real cleaning guidelines. They understaff their stores, overwork their employees and frown upon time off. Fabrics and crafts are not essential items at this time and since the majority of the clientele there are elderly i think they are creating more risk. Finally do something good for your employees and send gem home with pay

As a previous manager, I'm sad to say that this company does not value its workers. To see that they are putting their workers, and others who visit, at a continued risk is unbelievable and is extremely selfish. Now is the time to act and stop the spread of COVID-19 and to keep Joann's open does not help stop the spread in anyway shape or form.

Over the last two days, my local store decided to carry on with inventory. They brought in an inventory team from the area of our state with the vast majority of cases. It's one thing to not close and continue to expose the public to the risk, but decisions like these show that Jo-Anns has a blatant disregard for the wellbeing of its employees and customers. Even more telling is the fact that we know that you are seeing our pleas to do the right thing, but continue to ignore us on social media. There is only one reason that you are pushing to categorize Jo-Anns as an essential business, and that is greed. In fact, I had to spend my own money on gas to drive all over the city looking for more cleaning supplies after my manager ordered me to. Your employees do so much for you, and we are compensated very little. I have been at Jo-Anns long enough to know that you would never compensate us for our time off, but at least join the other non-essential business and shut down for the time being.

joann’s customer base is primarily elderly or otherwise at risk people, and many employees are also older or immunocompromised. employees are overwhelmed as we can’t keep up with the cleaning guidelines while also taking care of customers, not to mention we’re severely lacking in cleaning supplies in the first place. joann is encouraging people to come in for supplies to make face masks, yet these masks aren’t sterile since people touch and breathe on the fabric all day, and it’s then laid on the counter to be measured and cut. employees themselves aren’t even allowed to wear masks or gloves. joann cares more about profit than the safety of both their team members and customers.

There are so many comments I want to share. These are just a few. This is Joann. They care more about their image and their financial gains than the backbone of their stores. The people who put up with their ridiculous requests day in and day out are now at risk and putting others at risk. Places like Hot Topic closed down and took care of their employees, places like Joanns should too!

But also lets not forget, Hobby Lobby is also not taking Covid-19 seriously.

UPDATE 3/22: “We have signs saying we're cleaning more but found out Friday that we're out of supplies in the distribution center. They claim they will send them out once they receive any but I found out today from a truck driver the company that supplies everything for Joann (from inventory to store use items) is closed for 2 weeks... because of this they're telling us to use the bathroom cleaner as a substitute.”

From Joann Employee Confessions on Twitter:

Confession 17 - Our Joann was closed! We received a C&D from the Chief of Police! We were so ecstatic as employees when they came in and told us to cease all business operations! Not even curbside! BUT then we had to tell our District Manager... and everything changed.

Our DM told us to come back to work tomorrow because he was going to have Joann's lawyers work on it. My heart sank. Them being open was more important. So I went into work and it was so nice not being open to the public. We finally caught up on recovery and cleaning! All things we have neglected the past week because it's been too busy for us to keep up! All of us were in great spirits and it was the best day ever. Until our DM called... and he told us to section off all the "non-essential" parts of the store.

Fabric and sewing notions were deemed essential and we would be open to the public the next day. No curbside only. Nope. People were to come right back in and nothing about limitations. Nothing about cleaning our disgusting fabric. Just to section off half the store so the public could come in and buy all the fabric and sewing supplies they could want. And to add to that... they are doing a remnant promotion where all the spare pieces are free to the customer now! Another thing for our already spare crew to do when we don't have time!

I am honestly so shattered over how the Chief of Police who seemed so interested in our well-being backed out of this. We are exposed once again. 3 of us tonight took Leave of Absence papers tonight because we don't feel safe. This was the final nail in the coffin.

UPDATE - My coworker messaged me, “Got up at 10:00 to get ready for work. A text came in saying the store is closed and I don't have to come to work. Seems there was a conference call. It appears the state is involved and overrode the mayor!” But Joann is still fighting it. This is a day by day thing. They are telling us if we want hours we have to go to another store. If not, we have to put in our leave of absence.

More articles coming through right now:

These Retailers Refused To Close During The Pandemic, So An Illinois City Shut Them Down

Joann Fabrics' mask-making promotion raises questions

Gregory said the masks were being donated to Rush Oak Park Hospital in Oak Park and to Northwestern Medicine Delnor Hospital in Geneva – but spokespeople for both those hospitals said it was not true.“Due to infection control measures, Northwestern Medicine cannot accept donations of handmade masks, gowns and other medical supplies,” according to an email from Kimberly Waterman, spokeswoman for Northwestern Medicine Delnor. “Only factory-made, hospital-quality supplies, including N95 masks, face shields, gloves, gowns, sanitizers and swabs can be donated.”

“There is no barrier,” White said. “Once [handmade cloth masks] get wet, I don’t think they’re that effective.” (I can confirm. A RN confirmed with me that cloth masks collect moisture which acts as a magnet for infections.)

#covid2019 #covidー19 #covid19 #joann #joannfabrics #employeescomefirst #confessions #confessionsofanemployee #capitalism should die #what is wrong with America #fabric store problems #burn down the corporations #rise up for what you believe in #stand strong #i will not shut up #hobbylobby #make the change #whistleblower

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teflonsos · 4 years

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⌠ MIGUEL HERRAN, 21, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, RICARDO ‘RICKY’ ALONSO! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in DRIVER’S ED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (5 a.m. cigarettes after a sleepless night, the smell of burning rubber after driving so fast you break the sound barrier, cheap vodka in an expensive shotglass, scraped knees and elbows from reckless parkour). when it’s the (scorpio)’s birthday on 11/04/98, they always request their CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati, 23, est, she/her ⍀ @gallagherintro

STATS / PINTEREST / CONNECTIONS / CLASSES

INSPIRATION.

fernando alonso – formula 1

james hunt – formula 1

jp – redline

peter quill – guardians of the galaxy

emmett cullen – twilight

mercutio – romeo & juliet

han solo – star wars

charlie pace – lost

vert wheeler – acceleracers

BACKGROUND + CLICK FOR FULL BIO.

when ricky is born, there are expectations as the firstborn male but they are expectations that ricky refuses to meet. he’s stubborn, insolent, and straight up annoying. his dad is mysteriously never around and his mother suffers from chronic illness, so he generally has free range of the house and...free range to harass and drive out nanny after nanny

his younger sister is the balancing force in his life, proper in all the ways that he’s a mess and polite in all the ways that he’s uncouth. however, they get along really well and she’s his best friend in an otherwise large, empty house.

as he gets older, his father’s comings and goings are more noticeable to ricky and he realizes that he doesn’t really understand what his dad’s job actually is? and his father won’t answer his questions about it either. one night, when ricky is about ten years old, he sneaks downstairs to find his father covered in blood. at first he screams until he realizes, that’s not his father’s blood – it’s someone else’s.

put the pieces together, his dad is a blackthorne alumn, assassin, and...brotherhood member.

ricky doesn’t really get the chance to be close with his parents, but he is super close with his grandfather. his grandfather is a big man with a full laugh who used to race formula one like, back in the sixties. he’s a big name, and ricky wants to be like him, and his grandfather is the one that gets ricky really into the sport. racing.

ricky starts off by racing t cars, and when he’s fourteen and sneaking out to the track with his sister, things go awry. they’re stopped and kidnapped by brotherhood members. from conversations by the kidnappers, he can surmise that his father has something to upset the brotherhood and the kidnapping is a move to keep his father in his place. ricky have to listen to his father tell the kidnappers he doesn’t give a fuck about him (likely a bluff, but still stings) over the phone.

ricky’s father’s move doesn’t work, and he doesn’t get to them in time. ricky has to beg on the phone for his life. a gunshot rings out. everything else is a blur.

ricky wakes up the next day with a million questions, but there’s one answer: his sister will never walk again. a gunshot has left her without the use of her legs, but otherwise she’ll make a full recovery. she encourages ricky to continue his racing and tells him how much she believes in him.

he takes home trophies year after year while t car racing and people start to learn ricky’s name, to see him as an up and comer as they associate him with his grandfather. the next four years are hard work, but he’s healing from trauma with a new passion and a great support system.

ate age 19, he’s on the podium after his third formula three race, and he wins the championship, raining champagne on his teammates and laughing. his nights are busy, filled with parties and clubs, pretty girls and people willing to give him whatever he wants.

he awaits the next season and the rise into formula two, but he’s getting ahead of himself. late nights spent partying before the race take their toll on him, and his sister says it best. “you shouldn’t go out there,” she says. “i have to go out there. it’s fine, i’m just a little hungover. besides, it’s raining today. i have the advantage.” but he never learns.

ricky crashes hard, lucky to get off with a tbi and some broken ribs, but the drugs in his system render him a pariah and no one will really want to sponsor him after that. everyone had high hopes for him, but now he just looks like another stupid kid. he’ll never forget the disappointment in his grandfather’s eyes.

he spends most of the year blowing previous winnings.

after all of that bullshit, his grandfather sits him down. “you’re going to apply to gallagher academy,” he says. and that’s when he tells ricky everything, about his father’s profession, just like his grandfather’s brother and father before him. the legacy, the brotherhood, blackthorne academy, and ricky’s both riveted and horrified. “that’s what my sister got shot for?”

ricky passes the test while the brotherhood still has its claws clenched tightly around the reigns of gallagher academy somewhere. he’s a good driver, the fastest, and he might’ve been the best if he wasn’t so irrational and drunk on his own pride (among other things.)

before he can gain the skills to stop his father himself, someone else does. the news comes on ricky’s very first day of school: “dad’s been arrested.” and it’s like his whole world stops, because he always knew his father was bad, just someone else got to him first.

PERSONALITY.

ADVENTUROUS: ricky is not afraid of risks, and actually, this is usually in a good way. he pushes himself to want and pursue fulfilling life experiences, so while he’s made stupid decisions, he never lets fear stop him from taking chances and trying new things, so he’s pretty open-minded

CHARISMATIC: pretty good at putting on a smile and making himself likable when he needs to be, he has a nice smile and a good-natured spirit even if he can be a bit MUCH at times ! the kind of asshole that you can’t help but like anyway, he means well

FLEXIBLE: one of his great strengths is his ability to go with the flow, it doesn’t change him around or turn him inside out when things don’t go his way, he’s pretty adaptable and able to adjust when there’s a wrench in his plans

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE: ricky has a habit of ruining things when they’re going good for him, he’s notorious for self-sabotage and it probably comes from a mix of feeling like he’s invincible so he pushes limits and because he’s almost comfortable in the label of fuck-up at this point, not wanting to get his hopes up too high

ENTITLED: whether he likes it or not, he comes from a good family and a past where most things have just been handed to him. so, while he’s worked hard, he’s never had to work...that hard. he feels entitled to success and certain things in life and he can be a bit of a dick about it, even out of touch with other ways of life. he tends to feel like he deserves things, such as his gallagher education or another chance at racing

SELF-CENTERED: apart from his sister, ricky very much puts himself first and can be a bit selfish. it’s mostly out of self-preservation, but most of his thoughts revolve around him. he actually puts a lot of pressure on himself, which is why he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms and doesn’t look at how his actions affect others in his life

HEADCANONS.

when it comes to his memory loss, it’s pretty manageable. he keeps up with medication and IF he gets a good night sleep/eats well...it’s good on his brain. but sometimes he’s not so great about it! his most common habits are: putting something down and forgetting where he just put it, asking you a question he’s already asked, and he’s bad with names

used to be good at fighting games but now he isn’t and he still tries and it’s sad :(

as you can guess, he’s really bad at card games but he likes to gamble so he’ll just bet on other stuff. always ready to put money on the results of a sports game or something, loves to do fantasy brackets

really likes anime movies! watches a lot, but his faves are obviously redline, akira, princess mononoke, perfect blue, and ghost in the shell. he watches anime too and tbh probably a lot of anime i’ve never seen like naruto, one piece, and cowboy bebop. for my sanity please don’t talk to much about them with him bc i won’t know what to write.

loves to skateboard and snowboard, and is pretty good at it because really the main thing is confidence and he has plenty of that!

loves to play pranks in class or on people, he’s got a whole repertoire of tricks he used to play on his nannies growing up and has no issue with playing them on a teacher with a stick up their ass

his primary coping mechanisms are 1) hating his father 2) cocaine and 3) acting stupid

is bisexual and honestly doesn’t give a fuck! guys, girls, whatever, sex is sex and he’s gonna like who he likes. has never come out to his parents but has never known them well enough for it to matter.

had a steady long term girlfriend but she broke up with him when he started to tank his future and started partying more, probably as self-preservation for herself and ricky feels guilty about how he treated her, doesn’t want to put anyone else through that

really likes german cars so it’s a bummer that he missed out on the berlin trip, he’s going to geek out and cry any time someone mentions berlin to him, he’ll be so jealous of their semester

has wicked good eyesight, 20/20 vision which is great on the track but he also has really good aim on a shooting range, he’s a pretty observant person as well

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

BROTHERHOOD CONNECTIONS. Someone who also had someone close to them (likely a family member) that was also arrested for being involved with the Brotherhood by the strike team. Both Ricky and your muse are dealing with the shock of this together.

FAN? SOMEONE WHO FOLLOWS RACING? Someone who watched Ricky’s rise and fall from grace by being invested in F1. It would make sense if they were a big fan of Ricky’s grandfather...and Ricky is the disappointment. Idk someone with predisposed opinions on Ricky.

PARTNER IN CRIME. The two of them just vibe like immediately they both have the same chaotic energy and encourage each other’s recklessness to take chances and do stupid shit, are probably hilarious and can’t take anything seriously when they’re in the same room together, the kind of friends that other people can’t stand to see them together.

WHOLESOME FWB. They get along really well as friends and mainly just need to scratch an itch sometimes. None of that toxic shit, they probably lay around and talk about their crushes and are actually friends.

CONFIDANT. Late night rooftop conversations, this person can get Ricky to open up, is probably someone who is really chatty and comfortable with their own emotions and they encourage Ricky to be open about his.

INFATUATION. Ricky doesn’t know your muse at all, just sees them in the hallway and thinks they’re super hot, probably an older and unattainable student that wouldn’t give him a second glance but he’s like...this is my future spouse. They just don’t know I exist. Has never talked to them and they might not even vibe if they ever spoke lol.

ENEMIES? They simply don’t! Get along? Hate at first sight? They see Ricky smoking a blunt on campus and think he’s stupid irresponsible? He doesn’t remember their name when he should have? He makes a stupid immature comment that rubs your muse the wrong way? Any of the above, ready to fight at any moment.

RACING BUDDIES. Another driver’s ed student who is willing to race with him after hours or practice together, they both wanna fuck the cars, they both are super competitive and bring that out in each other.

OLD FAMILY FRIENDS. Their parents knew one another, likely on his dad’s (Blackthorne/spy) side, and they grew up closely. After the kidnapping happened, your character’s parent stopped speaking to the Alonsos and distanced themselves. Your character is probably the only one who knows about that part of Ricky’s past in any detail.

GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT. Ricky tried to flirt with your character but actually wound up pissing them off by seeming like an entitled white boy, which he is. He’s trying to prove to your character that he’s not so bad! This connection has nothing to do with feet I just had no better ideas for a name I hate feet.

REALLY BAD SEX. your muse has ricky saved in their phone like [link]...prob a hookup that happens on one of the first days after he heard about his dad but...he’s fucked up and sad and he can’t get it up! It’s literally so embarrassing, maybe they’re both embarrassed, he wants to die when he sees ur muse around bc they saw his limp ass sad boy dick.

CAT AND MOUSE TYPE THING. essentially ricky has a bunch of attempts to flirt with your muse & your muse fucking hates it. Tom and jerry but like, if tom wanted to fuck jerry. I think of this gifset.

#gallagher:intro

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franstastic-ideas · 4 years

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The past few hours have been hell for me.

To begin with, for the past week every few days, since my grandma got home from the hospital, I’ve been staying with her since nobody wanted her to be alone while she was so weak and apparently everybody else had something they needed to do but me.

I didn’t mind a bit in the world to stay with her, because I really didn’t have anything else to do and my grandma is sweet and doesn’t cause any trouble for anybody that’s with her.

Well, here’s where the problem has set in: my grandma lives with one of my aunts and uncles, and both of them work. Now, my aunt wears a mask and she sanitizes everything from top to bottom because she takes the COVID virus seriously as it should be.

But one of her coworkers caught the virus, and somebody else she knows from our church has got it too. And she’s been in contact with them both fairly recently. We found this out just earlier.

And now I’m worried. I’m worried for a lot of reasons - I’m afraid of my aunt catching it. I’m afraid of my uncle catching it. I’m especially afraid of my grandma catching it. And I’m afraid of catching it.

I’ve worn a mask while over there, but I’m still worried. And now I’m afraid to keep going there, even though I am afraid of what might happen if my grandma is alone even if she can handle herself pretty well.

As for my mom, she was the one who suggested I go over there in the first place, since my mom said she was going to be busy with my little sister signing her up for online school and helping her with that when it starts.

My aunt and uncle can’t stop going to work and stay home because of the virus - because if they do, they get their insurance cut off and they need that insurance.

America is a crapsack country right now. More than it’s ever been. I miss Obama.

Anyway, since I was so confused on what to do, my mom decided for me and just told my aunt that I wasn’t going to come over there tomorrow. My cousin, who is jobless, is going to stay with her - whenever she gets out of bed and decides to come over at who knows what time when I’ve been woken up at the crack of dawn.

But I feel like I’m being looked down on for being afraid of catching the virus - like I’m seen as some smug, self-centered person that thinks my life and health has more value than anybody else’s.

And my other cousin and his wife, who are complete assholes, just getting that out there, continuously look down on us and others because we’re so afraid of COVID. And if either of them gets word of what I did, then they’re probably gonna run their mouths about me being selfish or something in that passive aggressive way of theirs. My mom says if they do, they’re only gonna do it once.

They’ve already tried shaming me and my mom for not going to church while the pandemic is happening, and it’s made my mom feel bad, even though I’ve tried assuring her and telling anyone that tries to guilt-trip us that God and heaven would forgive us for not attending services right now, especially when it could endanger the lives of others, and that The Bible even has a safety precaution specifically FOR such events like this - that you’re supposed to quietly worship in your own home while in solitude should such an event occur.

But nobody ever listens to me when it comes to stuff like this.

My mom is still going to drive over there to check on her tomorrow, but she told me in that same tone she has when she’s disappointed. She told me that if she caught the virus, that she probably wouldn’t live through it.

But if I caught it, those that survive and supposedly ‘recover’ still have a mass amount of damage dealt to their bodies, damage that might just kill them later if they don’t get the virus again and that finishes them off.

It’s a near hopeless situation, and I really think I’d rather just... die, than have to suffer with all those symptoms like heart diseases and lung deterioration that have been frequently reported in COVID survivors. Is living with such suffering really living anymore...?

So to recap: I’m apparently a self-centered and terrible person for being worried about a dangerous and extremely contagious virus and putting myself in danger of catching it, I think the people I know are trying to make me feel guilty about it and going to paint me as a horrible person, and it’s working.

I mean, I know I’m a horrible person. I’m so lazy I can’t even crawl out of bed at a decent hour on some days, I can’t get along with my sister for more than two minutes, I’m always thinking of things that I want when I’ve got enough spare money to spend, and I’ve got a bad case of wanting to inflict wrath on others with my own hands, but I feel like today I’ve reached an all new low that I can’t ever crawl out of.

#i just need someone to tell me I'm not bad #I've tried so hard to stay good through all of this #but I'm reaching my limit #I'm scared and conflicted and I feel so selfish

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garbageontherocks · 4 years

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if someone’s talked about Zamigo’s feelings towards Kairi before, then I really need to get redirected to that, but...

I think more people should consider these things

more rambling + screenshots of late show convos between Dogranio and Zamigo under the cut (subs by TVNihon)

ZAMIGO DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER GHGRHRKKK and now that I got that out of my system...

so, that convo between Zamigo and Dogranio in episode 46

obviously Dogranio’s called Zamigo over, maybe in a last ditch effort to see if he’d consider trying for the boss’ seat though also clearly he doesn’t think Zamigo would go for it considering his way of approaching the subject

Zamigo’s not content to let Dogranio have his old man speech, even though he previously was happy to stand to the side and wait for his turn to speak, judging by episode 38

in fact, he gets in his face, which is normally something you don’t do to a gang boss unless you want to start shit

and the reason he’s like this is that he’s found “something” that interests him more than Dogranio’s seat - which isn’t just a chair, but all the considerable power and money he holds

and that something is Lupin Red, of course

but Zamigo’s not really content to just interrupt Dogranio and tell him he couldn’t care less about his seat nope, he’s gotta get in there and insult this man right in his face

interestingly, this is the first time he’s shown transforming into his human disguise in front of Dogranio, which could be taken as a further show of disrespect

Dogranio tries to offer Zamigo the seat, and he signals he’d rather fool around on Earth than continue cooperating with Interdimensional Crime Group Gangler which is a pretty bold statement, however underhanded

... and Zamigo also leaves Dogranio’s “throne room” in his human disguise, rather than transforming back

if that’s not a rejection of the whole organization at large, then I’m honestly unsure what else this was meant to symbolize

notably, when Goche gives Zamigo a Collection Piece that she got from Dogranio, he gets so bent out of shape that he eventually kicks her ass, takes her remaining treasures, and leaves her with only her base powers to the combined forces of the Lupinrangers and the Patrangers

for him, at that point, giving something like that to Zamigo is likely seen as a betrayal, since he’s pretty much not operating in line with the organization anymore

bringing us to their second conversation after Dogranio forces the phantom thieves to unmask themselves

Zamigo tends to refer to all of the rangers as his toys a few times, but as this conversation is going to indicate, he’s mostly concerned with Lupin Red

again interestingly, he’s shown up in his human disguise, and he doesn’t transform into his true form once during this discussion

in fact, the next time he transforms into his true form is to fight Kairi - up until then, he remains disguised, and transforms back to his disguise whenever he isn’t fighting

anyway, Dogranio almost gets physical with him and tells him to mind his own business

anyone who wasn’t invested would back off at that point

but Zamigo is invested, so he’s not going to

I can’t lie, these lines sent me and I’ve been dead ever since

how much louder does Zamigo get to yell “I have a huge boner for Lupin Red” before it’s acknowledged? he’s such a social disaster creep, but he could’ve gotten so much better treatment if only they’d utilized his character more during the show hnnnngh...

this whole conversation is intriguing because it paints a picture of Zamigo as someone who could have had a very different endgame route for this show, whether he fought Kairi or not

that added “no matter what it costs me” really brings home how deep he is into this, but it’s almost like the writers forgot about it... or, likely, couldn’t figure out how to fit a small half-redemption arc into a single episode without making everything too messy

how would they have Zamigo play ball with the Lupinrangers without it looking weird? how would they smoothly transition from utter enmity into even grudging cooperation? there just wasn’t time for it, I guess

and so, we ended up with some asspulls right at the end of the show, not the least of which was Zamigo deciding he really wanted to fight the Lupinrangers inside of Dogranio’s safe instead of just leaving and going elsewhere

he could’ve literally opened up a portal to the Back World and lured the thieves in there, but apparently that wasn’t an option for some reason, even though Zamigo very clearly can still traverse between Earth and the Back World just fine

I think the Lupinrangers were always meant to end up in in Dogranio’s safe, but I also believe it was originally supposed to go a little differently, and be more purposeful than accidental

at least, it would make more sense to me if that was the case

evidence supporting this potentially cooperative behavior from Zamigo is in the screenshots in this post + him helping out when Keiichiro, Sakuya, Tsukasa and Tooma ended up stuck in the Back World sure, he did it for selfish reasons, but wouldn’t getting rid of Dogranio so he can keep on minding his own business and tormenting Lupin Red as much as he pleased also be a suitably selfish reason?

nothing Zamigo does is altruistic his affections are also self-centered and I could go on a tangent about his personality, but let’s instead talk just a tiny bit about Final Live Tour

you’d probably think I want to avoid it because it has that W Red peck scene, but I honestly don’t feel too strongly about it - it’s good that some M/M fanservice gets in there sometimes

and it’s not like they didn’t put in just a bit of zamikai fanservice too, so I can’t complain

because Zamigo was really thirsty in that stage show even his usual behavior towards Kairi aside, when Keiichiro joined in on that fight, Zamigo told him to “read the room” - trying to get Keiichiro to stop interfering in what Zamigo probably saw as his quality time with Lupin Red

and of course, when he died, he had to get the partial last word in, almost like a promise of “I’ll be back” but not quite

but what was actually funny about that scene was Kairi putting Keiichiro and Zamigo on the same level with his parting quip to Keiichiro, commenting on being “a hit with the stubborn guys”

... so, in closing, at least Kairi knows what’s up, even if no one else does

tl;dr: zamigo’s thirsty af, kairi’s aware, I like zamikai and wish zamigo got treated better

#ramblings #zamikai #I will go down with this ship #kaitou sentai lupinranger vs keisatsu sentai patoranger

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notribs · 4 years

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hello hello ! it is may again and i... am still 20, using she/her, and in the eastern standard timezone. i can’t say that’s changed in the amount of time between intros. anyway, i do want to say that i like this gif because i feel like it.............. is an accurate representation of ribs at........... almost all times.

‹ TREVANTE RHODES, HE/HIM, CIS MAN, BISEXUAL. › DAVID “RIBS” SHAFFER is the TWENTY-EIGHT year old from EMERYVILLE, CA. when a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said, ❝ IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEWHERE JAMIE LEE WOULD BE LURED INTO. ❞ they claim ANY HORROR MOVIE WITH JAMIE LEE CURTIS IN IT is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would EXPLAIN TO THE KILLER THAT THERE WAS NO WAY HE MET THE CRITERIA FOR THE ‘FINAL GIRL’… JUST TO BE KILLED IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SPEECH. their fears include HALLUCINATING, PARALYZATION and FIREWORKS, and they don’t know we know, but… HE MADE MONEY AS A DEALER WHILE HE WAS STILL WAITING FOR THE BAND TO TAKE OFF. hope they enjoy their stay. ‹ MUSE B from STRESSED OUT. ›

QUICK FACTS:

full name: david “ribs” isaiah shaffer

date of birth: december 1, 1992

*does not perfectly reflect the below Big Three zodiac chart because that’s so much math

zodiac big three: sagittarius sun, capricorn moon, pisces rising

gender & pronouns: cis man & he/him

sexual orientation: bisexual

occupation: drummer + backup songwriter + history of drug dealing

the song i listen to on repeat while i write the intro: “make or break” - bugzy malone

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: violence, mentions of drug dealing, very very very brief mention of self-harm (not the product of a mental illness which is why i forgot to include this until i looked at it again this morning - the product of wanting to keep a lie), very very brief mention of guns and fire in the ‘fears’ section

born to a very loving family bc i need a sunnier background hasfkljwas

david was never EVER academically inclined. he’ll tell you it’s because he just wasn’t interested and was too involved in music and boxing, both of which will be gone over soon, but that wasn’t entirely true. he was also very busy working odd jobs days and nights as a kid and days and nights at successful businesses when he was 16+ (see: papa john’s)

his parents did own a music shop! they were clearly doing their part! but, in the digital era and the era of guitar center, they were only getting so much traction. they were also much too calm about it, at least outwardly, so david felt as though he needed to help.

but it is true that he spent a lot of time practicing music and boxing! as just mentioned, his parents owned a music store and were both very musically inclined. they taught him how to be, at the very least, INTERMEDIATE at as many instruments as possible. he can now confidently say that, if the band ever needed it, he could play the guitar, piano, bass, or saxophone.

that being said, his instrument of choice was the drums. he began using jazz drummers, as well as various hip-hop beats, as his inspiration. his original inspirations were buddy rich, gene krupa, chico hamilton, art blakey, and the beats of grime and 90s rap.

it shows.

when he ventured into other genres, however, he began taking inspiration from nick mason, john bonham, neil peart, keith moon, ginger baker, karen carpenter, and ringo starr

(i have a music theory + history lesson for you if you think ringo is a bad drummer ok - he was a “songwriter’s drummer,” which is much more important to being a drummer in a band than being technically skilled or being able to show off with complex patterns and, thus, overshadowing the song. that’s why the beatles continued asking ringo to play the drums on their songs, even after they broke up. john lennon never said “he’s not even the best drummer in the beatles” - a radio dj made that joke and people started taking it literally. love that.)

(also the same goes for nick mason but his drumming is rly only brought up when he’s brought up since pink floyd isn’t as talked about as the beatles)

ALSO!!! i have decided to be passionate about karen carpenter because girl won a 1975 poll that pit her against john bonham for best drummer and he got so mad and said she couldn’t last ten minutes with led zeppelin. the following is just alleged, but oh my god i hope it’s true: then she proceeded to compliment his drumming, say that she thinks it’s all very subjective, then got behind her set and played “babe i’m gonna leave you” while singing and not missing a single note. we have decided to stan forever.

he also took up boxing. as a kid, he was just practicing and taking any excess frustration out. when he turned 14, however, he found an opportunity in an underground circuit. he started fighting against other people, for real, and would be paid if he won the fight.

so: school from 8a-3p, drum practice from 3:30p-7:30p (i know), family from 8p-10p, boxing from 11p-2a.

his parents knew he boxed, but didn’t know it was as dangerous as it was. they assumed there were more safeguards in place..... but boy was bringing in a LOT of money for there to be a lot of safeguards in place. because of this, david NEVER let them see his matches.

when he was 16, he’d broken his ribs during one of the fights and refused to see a doctor over it. what did he say happened when his parents could TELL something was wrong? he said that he’d been mugged and beaten up. to support this theory, before he ‘showed’ it to them, he dug into himself with a knife to make it look like the muggers had a switchblade.

from there on out, he made everyone call him “ribs”

did his parents ever wonder where his excess income was coming from? DEFINITELY. he told them that, yes, his MINIATURE matches did bring in some money, but the rest of the money came from tips!! because people are clearly that generous!!

he also never showed them the full amount. he’d only give what was necessary, not out of selfishness, rather to keep his secret and save them from worrying about him. he put it in a savings account.

it should also be addressed that, during this time, he became friends with who would become the guitarist in his future band, joakim. he witnessed joakim fight a homophobic teenager and desperately wanted to join in... but his ribs were broken ahflskd

he continued boxing, even after being introduced to joakim’s college friend, gabe - the future singer of their band. that being said, they began jamming with each other and played in a few local circuits.

his parents were very encouraging of this and told him that he should go for this as a career opportunity.

can you tell they were idealists?

he wanted to... but it was very impractical. by now, however, he was out of school (and he never went to college). his parents let him continue living with them since they were under the belief they were short on cash and it’d be difficult for him to find an affordable apartment under the papa john’s salary.

he decided to take his parents up on this... but, while he was waiting for his band to find success, their music store was closed down. as they both began looking desperately for new jobs, he realized that papa john’s and the fighting payment wasn’t quite enough anymore... so he started selling drugs.

he doesn’t keep his fighting a secret anymore, but he does keep his drug dealing a secret. he fears that it’ll perpetuate stereotypes.

during one of his band’s gigs, he and the others met their future bassist - the missing piece - rory. she was marginally younger than they were, but she was an extremely talented bassist and songwriter, so the lineup was finally complete and devil’s wine was formed.

when they began skyrocketing, he quit drug dealing. he also stopped the dangerous boxing, although he continues to... box safely. he began sending money back home after they really started succeeding. his mother got a teacher licensure in music and his father got the opportunity to own..... a guitar center.

if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

VERY IMPORTANT: uses a pearl custom kit, istanbul cymbals, aquarian heads, and vic firth sticks.

that was very important.

PERSONALITY INFO:

literally obsessed with jamie lee curtis. watching her movies has also made him very genre-savvy.

would genuinely die for her.

is the epitome of bob belcher’s “oh my god.” in his band. they get off topic during practice/recording just ONCE?? queue “oh my god.” and the gif above.

isn’t necessarily ashamed of his past dealings (literally) - like, joakim knows - but is genuinely afraid of perpetuating the stereotype of the dirty black boy. he’s open about the rest of his life, but he’s convinced that if people learn he used to sell drugs, he would be setting people back. having a black drummer in a rock band that’s on the radio? he needs to keep up appearances!!

never wears shirts during concerts. has to show off his ribs and also drumming, with a bunch of lights directly on him, is an extreme exercise and guaranteed sweat machine. dresses like bugzy malone otherwise.

ahflskjd again,,, like adrian,,, look @ his chart ig alhkfjd

FEARS:

hallucinating: he hates not only the idea of losing his mind, but also the idea of having a skewed view of reality after he really... saw reality, you know? his uncle had schizophrenia and, while he rarely saw him, the thought of going through what his uncle had/has to go through terrifies him.

paralyzation: this was a constant worry of his during his boxing matches - he was terrified someone would wind up taking out a firearm and would shoot him into a state of paralysis. not to mention, all limbs are required for both drumming and boxing.... so.

fireworks: less deep than the others. the house next door to his was set on fire due to a firework display being too close. while no one died and most of the house was salvaged, the idea of losing anything he has is terrifying to him. also the sounds they make remind him of guns so?

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

ok,,, so unlike adrian,,, he lived in california,,, a state many other characters lived in. while some cities in california can be like,,,, seven hours away,,, IT’S STILL AN IMPROVEMENT, so i’ll list a few past connection ideas too!

fans

people who hate his music

people who’ve seen one of his matches

old friends

someone who was constantly in his parents’ music store

exes

fwb

ons

???? im bad at connections!!!!!! but im down for brainstorming and/or working off of urs!!!!!!

#manor:talk #will be updated when more is figured out w his subplot ofc!!

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inusam · 5 years

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Found MY HAPPY PLACE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Rant Part 1: ALICE????? Damn that’s Long!

Let me just start of with DAMN!!!!!!! WHAT AN EPISODE!!!!! MOREEEEEEEEE!!!!

Ok admitting it now I was a main Queliot shipping since pretty much Season 1 episode 1 when Eliot looked Quentin up and down the he was trying to figure out which end he was going to start eating first (innuendo intended), and it only got stronger the longer I watched. Soooooooo..... I’m going to be going off about my ship but I’ll keep it to the end.

I will be the first one to say LOUDLY in fact that Alice has been one of least favorite characters since even before the series started. (No, not just because of my ship. Didn’t like even before that.) Seriously I didn’t want to even start watch at when I first saw the trailer with her in it, and ever trailer after reconfirmed my decision till I accidentally started watching it on Netflix , got a few minutes in and found out I don’t just have one female character I hated I had two Julia. My positions on Julia are now very complicated but I love watching her character arc now, even if I can’t get all the way back behind the her like I do with the others. But my very ardent dislike of both Alice and pretty much a majority of her screen time has been pretty damn the same 80% of time. Sure there are moments that I like or find cute or interesting but the pass usually rather quickly. Mostly because a majority of her character, her arc , and/or just her personalities’ tend to be prime examples of bad writing tv tropes the I have come to HATE SO MUCH. No not cliche trope cause I can like those if give the right context, though Alice isn’t anyway. I mean shortcut, cheat-codes,bullshit handed to you on a stick TV tropes that just diminish what they are trying to say to move on with the story instead of giving it what the story needs.

Until this episode... this episode I actually wanted to talk about her, and not just in an angry and annoyed rant. Well not only.... ITS PROGRESS! Further more it gave me hope that it will continue.

Alice.........................(Starting Mainly focused on Character , then Relationships)

One of the few times I was actually fully invested in her story in that wasn’t based on any other character in a positive light was when the group go to Plovers house, and they discover the truth. So it only makes sense that the episode that makes me hopeful for her story going further starts with her and Plover. (Side note: I have seen people say Quentin calling back to Plover, being his favorite author is him trying to lessen what Plovers crime’s but I don’t see that way. But since its a Quentin focus that really does have to do with Alice; I’ll get into that later.) Her argument with Plover about his sins and her point of view on of he can’t be trusted to get what he wants let only deserve it goes as a really interesting rhythm to her and Q interactions. Though I really don’t know how I feel about the comparing of those to two. Especially considering the thing Q is stonewalling her about isn’t even the killing and torturing of creature some even children, but the betrayal and Plovers is sexually assaulting a child. But to address her question; No, I don’t think her sending Plover to the Poison Room makes her worse or better. Its one of those things that everybody has a different answer but no one knows what they would do till it happens. Her sending him to him “Death” (She didn’t lock it and we didn’t see him die, ok.) IS understandable. The thing I think that might, MIGHT put a tally in the worse column is that she didn’t stop to ask that question until Q’s reaction to her reveal. Only made worse by the way she revealed. Like she wanted a metal, reward or a pat on her head for it. (Which actually took a hit about the one thing she had going for me that the other characters didn’t, her independence. Even in her most dependent moments; she loved Q, but he was never her crutch.) But it moved on quickly from that so it wasn’t so bad.

Now on to the relationships..... I loved this episode in case you can’t tell, but what I loved most about this episode was what it did for the relationships. Yes I said RELATIONSHIPSSSSSS, plural, that right all of them. What it closed what it open, put in focus ALL OF IT especially what those relationship did or will do for the characters. But this rant is about Alice’s relationships (YES mostly Quentin because most of her relationship are Quentin or Quentin by Proxy). So let’s talk.

I should probably say that I love that the group (Quentin, Julia and by exception if nothing else: the rest of the questers.) have forgiven her, and don’t want her around. No that is not just Alice hate. It’s freeing in a way and it one of the thing that gives me hope about being further invested in her story arc. I don’t actually want or think they should forgive her or let only trust her, not yet at least. For one, she hasn’t actually apologized. Two, she hasn’t in any way actually shown she thought her actions were wrong, all she gave is justifications and I’m sorry I caused this because of my action not I’m sorry for my action, which is one of the main reasons everybody is pissed at her, her action not just the unforeseen thing she had no way of predicting. I have seen a lot of people saying Q should have forgive her like he forgave Julia, since she did basically the same thing. But the way I saw and interpreted this actually different. I am not really Julia-apologist with the view that she can do no wrong and is completely justified. In fact as previously stated I started off hating her just as much sometimes more than Alice and now I do generally enjoy her story and seeing where it goes along with her adorable moments, mostly with Q I still can’t bring myself to like her. (Mostly for what she did to Q in that one episode.. You all know the one. But that’s for a Julia centered rant.) But it actually isn’t the same thing.

Sure when if you strip down the story to the most basic detail sure it has similar lines. One of the group does something betraying or otherwise and the rest of them if not the world/worlds end up having to pay for the backlash and its all that characters fault. I HATE when stories do this, and so many do. They strip down the details to make one person/group understandable or forgivable to another because they kinda sorta did the same thing expect for all the important stuff but ignore all that. No, the the devil really is in the details. They are IMPORTANT. The how, why, when, where are actually very important, not just the what. If they weren’t you wouldn’t bother spending money and time showing them to me and I wouldn’t care. I call it FUN-HOUSE EFFECT. I HATE IT, SSSSSOOOOO MUCH. It is BAD writing and it’s everywhere, even in really good shows, shows I love. Which just made that more excited about the writer not take the easy way out with Alice. Because that is what the Fun-House Effect is the easy way out, instead of the right way. The right way where forgiveness is a journey to get through no a detestation to move on from, and no I don’t mean a redemption arc. Though I do love a good one. I would like to point out it they’re not always the same thing. It cheapens all involve the origin sin oh now I understand sin along with the forgiveness sin along with all the feelings involve. Especially, because when writer use it to get the forgiveness the character and the story plot involved or driving by it don’t get what makes it all worth the pain, closure and since they never really get it in the story we never really feel it. I mean think about it this way just because two song about the same thing does mean they are the same and like any song it should be able to justify itself on it’s own. Putting them side by side or together in mash-up of any kind should enhance them both not diminish them. If it does it bad writing in a song or a story. I’m probably getting to carried away with the bad examples, and I’m totally getting carried away with my Fun-House rant.

Like I was saying sure in its most basic forum it’s one character goes against the group and/or does something stupid and all of them if not the rest of the school/kingdom/world/worlds has to deal with the backlash of that person/people’s action. Everybody else when they made their stupid/selfish/selfless ‘betrayal’ it was them putting themselves or someone else before the group/world by making a different decision but that was their choice. Even if it meant going against the others. Josh when he ran back to Brakebills, Penny when he sold out Quentin to be expelled, Julia when she took the knife or, Kady when she took the battery, Eliot when he shot the Monster, even Margo with the Fairy deal, Quentin when he didn’t help Julia ,they all made choices that they put in front other people’s and those people were mad and then forgiven it was a journey to some and understandable to others. Wrong, selfish and/or stupid choices they were but they all made them but the one thing they didn’t do is try and take away their choices and Alice tried to do that. Kady said best herself last season Alice doesn’t get to make that choices for everybody. In fact Alice made her choices she didn’t trust herself around magic, that’s why she and took the Memory Potion that was her putting her self above and before everyone (And actually her explaining it to is one of the moments I like of her in the last season and felt generally invested in), her leaving Breakbills after the whole thing with her brother her choice. What was not her choice was trying to make sure nobody had magic, because SHE thinks they don’t deserve it. To add insult to injury they were so busy trying to defend themselves from her trying to take away their choice it left them completely unprepared for what came after and just to spit in their face it turns out she took the potion so she wouldn’t have to face the consciences of said action. And she only trying to make up for the insult. That’s one of the main difference in situation about everything else.

Other points as follows;

Quentin and everybody already didn’t trust her when they let her in on the quest after discovering she was working with the Library but they gave her the benefit of the doubt because of what and who she to them (Mainly Quentin) before without her expressing anything learned or changed trying to take their choice away and give control to the Library. And oh look she changed her method but she still fucking tried to take their and everybody’s choice away about magic. Different plan same objective.It makes total sense that not only would they not forgive or even try understanding anymore even more so considering that they were all trying to do that before even going as far as to not want her help. I mean if someone who had tried to take away my choice while ‘helping’ before tried to ‘help’ me again in any way I would shut that shit down as fast as possible. So I loved the show’s reaction to her. Even more I love what I think it means for her next. Growth for Alice in a positive way, which don’t think she actually had.

Alice herself hasn’t grown in a positive way like all the other character. If anything thing happen to and/or around Alice beside for some and I do mean some aspects of her relationship with Quentin almost always went negatively toward Alice’s character. Her discovering what happened to her brother, her parents, dying, killing the Beast become a Niffin, coming back to life, being without magic, being around Quentin, Not being around Quentin, getting Julia’s spark, almost dying again, having to give up Julia’s spark, her dad dying, her trying to find her knowledge of magic again, making a deal with the library, breaking a deal with the library, destroying the keys all of it in a negative way. Just when you think it couldn’t go deeper into worse she gets a magically shovel and starts digging, Hell even the supposed good parts, with Quentin are linked with how bad that relationship was at the start and how toxic it became.

With Quentin very much shutting the book on them, it gives me chills with where her character can go. What I see come to her. Connection not related to Quentin. Like previously hinted at when talking about her independence, Q was her connection not her crutch. Which is maybe the one thing that their ship has above the others to me in a positive point separate some of the other main ships in the show, even platonic friendship ones and it has a negative impact on one if not both. Do they grow and become better somehow to sometimes, depends on the ships and situation sure. But you take those to and they get better apart. One of those main bad writing tropes that is all over Alice is that they never have her make a connection outside of Quentin. Even the moments she has with almost all the other characters is only happening because of Quentin indirectly or not. Now with Quentin and her at a close(thank god) she can hopefully start making other connection and those connections can help her grow like the others’ connections have helped them grow and change in both bad and GOOD ways.So she can finally get to a person she wants to be, again. Not the same person because that Alice is dead and gone and has been for a while. (Took you long enough to see and accept it, Coldwater.)

Hopefully Our Lady of the Tree or Underground send my hope to the writers.

#Quentin Coldwater #eliot waugh #queliot #alice quinn #penny adiyodi #margo hanson #coldwaughter #the magicians syfy #the magicians #peaches and plums motherfucker #proof of concept #julia wicker #escaping the happy place #day in the life

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enouragement-blog · 5 years

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If you have anxiety, read this

I’ve had anxiety as long as I can remember. I remember being in my early 20′s and not being able to leave my room except to very quickly go to the bathroom and come back. I remember being a little kid and not being able to go to sleep because my tummy hurt, but not knowing why. If you struggle with anxiety, I’m sorry. Few people will ever truly understand you. It’ll feel like you have to walk this path alone most of the time. It sucks.

In a few weeks I will be driving from New Mexico to Minnesota. This will be extremely uncomfortable. I’m not doing it because I want to, because I don’t, and I’m not doing it for money, because I’m not getting paid and I wouldn’t want to anyways. I’m doing it because I have to fight, I can’t give up, I want to move forward, and I can’t let my anxiety win.

But our culture makes things worse. It’s in the air, and we breathe it, and don’t even realize that we’re breathing it. Our culture is weak, and it’s making us weak.

- Everyone wants people to feel sorry for them, but nobody wants to deal with their problem. Everyone wants people to know how they feel, but they don’t want to do anything to change it. They don’t want to try harder, or fight, or improve, they just want what feels good. But the things that really matter in life cost us. And honestly, life could be summarized as a constant exchange of comfort. How much of your comfort are you willing to sacrifice for the greater good/the good of others/you’re long term happiness? Or we can try to hold onto comfort that instantly gratifies us and yields nothing - it’s our choice. I don’t have to drive to Minnesota, I could just choose to not help my friend. I could even come up with an elaborate excuse as to how I can’t go. I could spend the time in the comfort of my home playing video games. But what would be accomplished? There can be no great victory without great risk.

-We’re taught to get our voices heard, but not to listen. If you want others to be there for you, you better be there for others. Sure, some will take advantage of you - be smart! - but others won’t.

-We’re taught to get rid of “toxic” people, rather than helping others. We’ve all been a toxic person before. We’ve learned to “divorce” (metaphorically speaking) people who irritate us. It’s as though you cannot be friends with anyone who isn’t just like you. We are divided by politics and many other things. We’re taught to give up on people and to quit: we quit our marriages, we quit on friends and family... We don’t fight FOR anything anymore, we just fight or (surprisingly worse) we just roll over and die. We continue a pointless and directionless life full of vices that give temporary comfort and long-term dissatisfaction just so that we don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable irritants in our lives.

We want to live life the easy way. We want everything handed to us. As good as welfare is, we’ve learned something bad from it: getting something for nothing. We don’t know how to adapt and how to thrive unless things go our way. We want to always be right without judging our thinking critically. And then we switch between extremes of becoming prideful or self-loathing, never judging our thinking correctly.

-We’ve become addicted. Addicted to technology and video games, to wasting our lives with a meaningless existence of (attempted) pure pleasure. Addicted to things that don’t satisfy. Addicted to screens and false reality. Addicted to drugs, alcohol, and being right. And we all want to be right, but without actually learning, challenging, and changing. We don’t know how to live in the moment and enjoy the small things. Everything has to be big and showy for us to enjoy it.

- We are taught to complain about everything. We complain nonstop about Trump, for instance, when we have no idea of who he really is or if he’s doing any good because we don’t listen or look for the good things. But then we want people to give us a break, but then we don’t want to give anyone else a break. We believe whatever people tell us so long as it agrees with our bias, but if it requires us to reanalyze the information, we are unwilling. I’ll give specific examples of statements that will probably piss you off, if you are like the majority of people: Trump is a good president, Homosexuality is wrong, not all religious experiences are equal. Rather than having a discussion someone who says such things, most people instantly get mad and try to prove it wrong. Just look at facebook: nonstop whining and fighting.

-We are taught to be afraid of everything. Just watch the news and you’ll see it: the list of things to be afraid of, which includes, but is not limited to: global warming, death, disease, war, politicians... Of course those things exist, but we don’t need to be afraid all the time. NOR do we always know the cause of these things. For instance, global warming has not been proven to be connected with humanity, but yet everyone believes that SINCE global warming is real, then that MUST MEAN it’s caused entirely by people (watch the people who instantly search online for an article to “prove” that it’s caused by people just so you can argue with me, a person you don’t know).

- We’re taught that our lives are all about us and to watch out for number one, and then when we’re lonely, we substitute the human interaction and conflict THAT IS NECESSARY FOR OUR GROWTH with more consumerism. Even if we could trust our feelings and thoughts, we can’t trust them when we have anxiety - our mind makes stuff up and our heart just goes along with it.

-We’re taught that we don’t have to change and it’s everyone else’s responsibility to accept us as we are. We’re taught that it’s ok to gossip about other people, but then are surprised when people are talking about us. We expect perfection from others, but we want everyone to cut us a break. It’s often heard: if you aren’t there in the sun, don’t bother being there in the rain, but it’s unrealistic to hold others to the standard of perfection, and it’s a lonely and pointless existence that refuses to forgive and move on. Obviously you shouldn’t trust someone who is untrustworthy, but neither should you abandon someone who made a mistake. Everyone else needs to change if we don’t like them, but when it comes to us, they have to just work around us. And because of the rise of artificial relationships (facebook, phone conversations, tv, driving, and other things that put a barrier between face-to-face interaction), nobody has any real friends, nor are they willing to be real friends, yet they want the results of having true friendships. But a friend isn’t someone who caters to you, tells you what you want to hear, and doesn’t challenge you. True friendship is only accomplished by going through the rough times together and being real with one another. But when we refuse to change, grow up, mature, and be better, we also refuse to enter into the vulnerability of friendship. In all of this, YOLO is the mantra, as if living foolishly is a wise investments of only having one life.

- We’re taught that we follow our own arrow and we decide our own standard, but that’s not true regardless of whether there is a God or not. If I’m a psycopath, should I follow my own arrow and murder people? If I’m a pedophile, should I follow my own arrow and molest children? And it’s all a cop-out. We try and convince ourselves that morality is an artificial construct, but we know it’s not. And because we have chosen to be amoral, we lose out on life and happiness, and cause our anxiety to get worse (Spoiler alert, the way you live does influence your anxiety). Usually, psychologists and counselors are making it worse. They use self-empowerment or eastern religion or drugs, and then state their own personal beliefs like it’s fact, like how we are supposedly born as empty vessels, and then even though they are proven wrong time and time again by their naturalistic humanism, we are unwilling to stop listening to their bull crap because we want to be lied to. After all, we NEED their drugs to fight our anxiety, right? What does it matter if we live without the concept of God, so long as we can make ourselves feel better with self-centered living that doesn’t fix the situation? And we’ve lived so long with out battles that we forget that it can get better. Why would they want us to get better, since it’s so convenient for them if we’re not?

And it’s all making it worse. The first step to making some ground with anxiety is to not believe the stupid narrative that the culture tries to sell us. Things won’t make us happy, we don’t put our faith in people because they will always let us down, we forgive people, and we fight. Who cares if people don’t understand you? Stop rolling around on the ground crying about your struggles, get up, and do something about it. Maybe you’ll never get over it, but neither do you have to live like you are living.

That’s easier said than done. Maybe you aren’t there yet. But the point is that you TRY. You TRY to fight, to keep going on, to not give up. And when all else fails, you TRY. So you’ll fail, you’ll fall; get back up and try. If you don’t feel like it? You cowboy up and do it anyways. Do the things that you’re afraid to. Make new friends. Get out of your house. Or you’ll get to the end of your life having accomplished nothing and die alone. Our culture teaches us apathy, selfishness, and laziness, but that will never help you change the struggle with anxiety. Why the hell should your feelings stop you from living?

You can’t do it alone, and you can’t do it without making the decision to fight.

WARNING: some people are not very good people, and they don’t want to change. You should definitely stay away from those people. But be careful of labeling someone as “toxic” simply because they don’t agree with you on everything.

#facebook #anxiety #online #culture of fear #fight #yolo #something in the air

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fapangel · 6 years

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So you finally watched The Last Jedi. Thoughts?

It is worse than I could have possibly imagined.Sit down and buckle up, because this one’s a doozy. (Spoilersabound.)

AsI’ve previously detailed, it was clear the movie was a trainwreckeven before I watched it due to simple structural issues with thebasic plot, much of it inherited from The Force Awakens (which I didsee.) To wit, the movie is a sequel to the original trilogy, butcompletely ignores everything that happenedin the original trilogy. Having seen The Last Jedi, it’s nowblatantly clear thatthe new trilogy was intended as a reboot - but that’s impossible todo when it’s shamelessly mining the OT for characters, concepts, andinformation. I’m not talking about the shameless density of nostalgiareferences and even aped plots in The Force Awakens, either - I’mtalking about The Last Jedi considered in a vacuum. (Just one exampleis Leia’s use of force power to pull herself back into her ship,which makes no sense without the original trilogy context.) Giventhe high praise some of my friends had paid the show, I’d been opento the possibility of it having merit as a movie, ifnot as a Star Wars sequel, butits inability toescape the structural/sequel critique presaged its complete and utterfailures in writing.

Thisis a point I must make explicit: TheLast Jedi is such a horribly written movie that it transcends merefailure; it is actively harmful and offensive, “problematic” inthe sense that the much-maligned “SJWs” use the term. Thisis the unassailable core of the offense that The Last Jedi (“TLJ”)offers. Much of what I’m about to bitch about, especially anythingto do with pre-established Star Wars canon, could have been glossedover, or even forgiven, if the core storytelling was solid enough. Ifit looks flashy and cool, adheres to rules that the audience knowsfrom prior films, oreven rules the film itself laid down earlier, anyaction sequence or detail of spaceships and tech can be made to work.Star Wars is classic Space Opera centered on Space Wizards; youcan get away with a lotifyou’re making one big concession to enable the plot and not justjerking the audience around every five minutes. But TLJ not only doesthat, it also has no story worth making concessions to enable. Theinescapably lethal flaw of TLJ is that none of the characters areworth a damn, and their arcs simply do not work.

That’sit. Without that, you have no story, period. Withthat,any number of flaws, errors, and plot holes might be forgiven, if thecore story is strong enough. Even if the core story isn’tstrongenough, one could at least acknowledge that the movie wasn’t a totaldisaster, it was just dragged down by too many errors, a death of athousand cuts. TLJ manages to have allof the ancillary problems, andno character story at all to make it worth a flying fuck.

Thiswon’t be a comprehensive dismantling of TLJ, as there’s more thanenough out there - I suggest seeing MauLer’sreviews, either the 30 minute “Unbridled Rage” or thethree-part,multi-hourtakedown for a truly exhaustive treatment. This is mostly Planefag’sPerspective (becuase people like it when I say the funny fuqq wordsapparently,) an explanation to my writer friends (which they’ll findinteresting, as it’s rare for our opinions on works of fiction todiverge so strongly), and presentation of what seems to be aheretofore unmade argument - that TLJ is morally reprehensible bydint of the biases, prejudices and twisted ideas it perpetuates.

Yes,it is that fuckingbad. ButI’m saving the best for last. In order of magnitude, why TLJ is apile of steaming, utter shit:

NOT ONE SINGLEFUCKING CHARACTER ARC WORKS AT ALL.

Thisis the core, unforgivable failing - the complete absence of anyfucking story. This isespecially notable with Rey and Kylo, the lead characters of themovie around which everything else revolves. WhenRey and Kylo first spoke to each other across lightyears, I stood upand shouted “THE FORCEIS NOT A FUCKING SKYPE CALL!” Iwould’ve forgiven the Space Wizard liberties had the interactionsworked, but my wrathproved sadly prescient, as Kylo and Rey’s every interactionthereafter seemed like two teenagers awkwardly flirting over Skype…except they had far lesschemistry than that. As I write this, I find it difficult to evenrecall what they fucking talked about- the first time was Kylo surprised it was happening and Rey callinghim an evil murdering prick (for good reason,) the second time sherang him up when he had his shirt off and he told her to “let go ofthe past, kill it if you must,” and the third time she told him shesensed conflict in him, they touched hands through The Force, and she“saw his future” through this, because Rey Is Very Good At TheForce.

Onthe basis of these three interactions, Reygoes from Kylo Ren’s sworn enemy to moist and thirsty for histhrobbing red lightsaber. I shit you fucking negative. Uponthese three brief conversations,the central character story of the entire movie rides- and they come nowhere close topulling it off. There’s so many reasons for this that it’s hard tosummarize them. Rey’s shown to be pining for her family again(despite having moved past this in her character arc in The ForceAwakens, but Rian Johnson can’t keep shit consistent in his ownmovie, much less thesame fucking trilogy.) She’s angry at Kylo for killing his father,Han, whom she was adopting as a father figure herself (their firstchat takes place after Luke asks after Han and Rey accuses Kylo ofit, so this is expressly brought forward into TLJ.) So when Kylo ripsinto Rey over her parents; pointing out that they were white trashthat sold her into servitude for drinking money and never cared abouther, before telling her to kill her past, he’sonly reminding her that he had something she never did and alwayswanted (a loving family,) and that he fucking murdered saidfamily. There’s no wayRey could empathize with Kylo over this.

Butwe’re supposed to ignore this, and believe that Rey now feels someempathy for Kylo because she 1. saw him with his shirt off and 2.touched his hand and Sensed The Good In Him Through The Force.

Whata load of complete and utter fucking horseshit.

Thereare other arcs, and they all fall flat on their fucking faces aswell. For starters, Luke.Luke’s arc, especially, cannotbe insulated from continuity criticisms because he’s the mainfucking character of the Original Trilogy, andTLJ leans heavily onthat lineage for its setup. The climax of Luke’s character arc wasachieving the seemingly impossible - redeeminghis father, Darth Vader, who had fallen to evil decades ago andcommitted untold numbers of atrocities. Andin TLJ, Luke actually contemplates CHOPPINGHIS OWN NEPHEW’S FUCKING HEAD OFF becausehe “sees darkness in him.” The man who’s crowning, definingachievement was redeeming his Father from the dark side isconsidering NEPOTICIDEbecause the kid mightfall.

Evenif you ignore that, why Luke’sinsists that“the Jedi should end” is never explained, as he never says itoutright and never finishes a single lesson with Rey which issupposed to teach her why.Why does he extrapolate hisfailure to mean the entire galaxy isbetter off without them? His interactions with Rey accomplishnothing; he basically tells her to fuck off for a while, decides to“teach her,” promptly tells her she’s supor haxx0rz powerful likeKylo, watches her master lightsaber-ing because she knows how toswing a metal quarterstaff, and is then told by Yoda himself thatthere’s nothing in the ancient Jedi tomes Rey needs, because she’s sofucking special she knows it all already. Yoda fucking torchesthe ancient temple-tree-library to make his point that Luke’s always“staring at the horizon instead of at what’s in front of him” andthat he needs to focus on the here and now; implicitly saying thatRey was right, and he shouldhump his ass out there to “face down the First Order with a lasersword”…

…but instead of doing that, he literally phonesit in from half a galaxy away with The Force, puttinghimself in (almost) no danger, but fucking dies anyways,meaning he died as he lived; agrouchy old coward who never did face down his own apprentice andanswer for his mistakes. Luke’sarc makes no fucking sense, achievesnothing, and goes fucking nowhere.

Finnand Rose was portrayed as a budding relationship, except there wasn’ta single fucking hint of it being romantic till she kissed him at theend of the show after a pat speech about “saving what we love.”In the beginning of the movieshe tazes Finn (yes, the black man got tazed) for trying to skip townin an escape pod, which she found personally offensive because hersister had just died in the opening battle to defend The Resistance.At the end of the movie, Finn is willing to sacrifice his life todefend that same Resistance, his character having actually grown -and Rose rams him off-course before he can do so, despitehaving tazed him earlier in the movie for dishonoring hersister’s sacrifice to defend the exact same cause. Atbest, this means shewas only truly concerned with her personal loss, which would make hera self-centered, selfish cunt, willing to sacrifice the lives of manyothers (and potentially the freedom of the entire Galaxy) for her ownemotional needs. But it’s not portrayed as a selfish decision - it’sportrayed as the right one,which taps into an entire larger problem of its own I’ll touch onlater. It’s the same problemthat’s entirely responsible for crippling Poe’s character arc. Finnand Rose were simply dealt the coup de grace by it, as theirpreceding scenes together were sparse; involving them coming up witha plan to save the rebel fleet (seconds after Rose had tazed him,bro, and had no reason to do a 180 and start trusting him without anexplanation that he never did give,) a monologue about how shitRose’s life was and How Capitalism Is Bad on the casino planet, and abrief “well we’re fucked and by extension THE ENTIRE GALAXY but westuck it to the man, how cool,” and Rose has a moment where shesets an animal free and says that was superior to making baddieshurt, setting up her closing line later.

Andthat’s it. That’s fucking it. Comparethis to Princess Leia in the original trilogy. Her response to aStormtrooper walking into her cell - someone who she has every reasonto assume is there to take her to a torture session (as she wasclearly shown being tortured some minutes earlier in the movie,) isto comment wryly on his height. Andseconds after breaking out of the jail cell, she’s shouting orders atpeople, spraying the air with energy from a stolen blaster rifle, andin fact leading themout of the immediate danger (“Someone’s got to get us out ofhere!”) And during this entire sequence herrepartee and rivalry with Han Solo is already being established, the“excuse me Princess” cranked to the max. The friction that beginstheir relationship is Han butting heads with her before witnessingthat she’s dangerous,composed, and competent in emergency and combat situations. Notonly is their relationship developed during actionsequences of real consequence, as well as down-time chats, but italso takes three entire moviesto build to a climax. Comparedto that writing, Rey jumping on Kylo’s dick after three Skype callsand Rose giving one rusty fuckabout Finn are egregiously bad.If you criticize the OT andthink TLJ is superior, you have a lot toanswer for, right there.

However,Finn himself had potential - if only because his character was theleast tampered with, so one could assume his character developmentfrom TFA was intact, and TLJ’s script hinted gently in support of itand never against it. He started TFA just wanting to run like abitch, and by the end had come to care, at least, about defendingRey. He was trying to hare off after Rey in the beginning of TLJ, andby the end had committed fully to a cause, the opposite cause of theone he’d abandoned at the opening of TFA. It’snever really covered why hegrows like this - at the very beginning he goes from wanting to legit to forming a plan with Rose to save the fleet instantly. He wastalking his way out of being shoved in the brig at the time, but henever takes a subsequent option to duck out; in the space of a fewseconds he’s committed himself to a dangerous recon mission that willend with infiltrating an enemy capital ship withapparently no qualms whatsoever. If this was ever covered indialogue, it was so brief I completely missed it - and this isprobably why his arc “worked” the best; it wasn’t the focus, so Ididn’t care much about how it happened… plus, by the end, Finn isthe only halfway relatable character at all, beating Rose by alandslide because we have awhole movie of development for him (TFA) as opposed to one briefboo-hoo monologue from Rose (oh and her sister died boohoo.) He’s nota fucking Mary Sue like Rey, he’s not entirely certain about his rolein things, and so at the end, when he makes the decision tosuicide-run the Very Big Gun, there’s actually some investment andaudience-character empathy there. Finn,alone, is the only character we can empathizewith.

Andthen fucking Rose putson a stellar display of Asian Driving Skills and robshim of his moment,because-

EVERYBODY WITHA PENIS IN THIS MOVIE IS ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING ALWAYS,BECAUSE FUCK MEN

Thisis not an exaggeration. In my priorcomments I mentioned that just because everyone saidthis was the case didn’t mean Ibelieved it, because I’ve seen the CHUDs hurl the same complaints atobjectively excellent movies (the latest Mad Max, forinstance,) and that’s before theGamer/pol/Gate crowd made counter-bitching at the SJW bitching apastimefor casual amusement. I wasexpecting some token casting, some throwaway GRRL POWER lines, etc.

Instead,I got the most misandrist movie I have ever seen.

It’snot just a matter ofwriting every male character to be stupid and every female characterto be smart - the laws of probability themselves bendover backwards to make everything a woman does the right choice, andeverything a man does the wrong one… except even when the Universedoesn’t do that, theman gets his ass chewed out anyways for making the rightcall.

Butthat came later. My first exposure to the misandry came in the formof Admiral Holdo, a purple-haired, ballgown-clad fleet Admiral wholooked like she walked out of Tumblr SJW Central Casting. But despiteThe Internet having named this character as egregiously bad manytimes, nothing, nothing prepared me for the actualperformance.

LauraDern deliberately portrays Holdo as a venomous, imperiousbully.

Onehas to actually see the performance to appreciate howdeliberate and well-done it is. Laura Dern crosses her arms, doesn’tface the person she’s addressing, literally looks down her nose whenshe does, and even does that particular kind of sneer whereone bites their lower lip and looks at someone like they’re dogshit.Laura Dern’s delivery perfectly matches the scripted lines - sheresponds to a straightforward request for information from Daemon Poeby insulting him, then attacking him- “My plan? Like yourplan which destroyed all our bombers?” She then proceeds to attackhis manhood, calling him a stupid little gung-ho flyboy, and advisinghim to “stick to his post and follow my orders” with the exactsneering tone of someone saying “sit down and be a good littleboy.” The soft-spoken volume of the delivery just drives it home -it’s the “oh, honey” condescending shitpost meme made manifestand played entirely straight.

Theworst part of this performance is that Hold is supposed tobe an Admiral, a military officer. Poe eve drops a line about herbeing the hero of such and such battle to establish that she’ssupposedly respected and famous - and then she proceeds to shredthat impression by acting like anything but a militaryofficer. Captain Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager wasn’t verynice - in fact, she could be an outright rude asshole - but shealways sounded like a Captain when Kate Mulgrew delivered herlines. She didn’t deliberately humiliate or insult people by saying“sit down like a good little boy;” she’d say “I’m the Captain,get the fuck off my bridge before I brig your ass forinsubordination.” That’s how the military works; there is achain of command, and those who challenge it are reminded thatthey’re pissing on God’s leg, and God does not fuck around. Todeliberately portray Holdo as literal stereotype of a “nastywoman” suggests that Rian Johnson actually thinks this is what a“strong woman” should look like. And in fact, Laura Dern saidthis explicitly:

Speaking about her character’sstylish-yet-firm leadership, Dern told VanityFair: “[Rian is] saying something that’s been atrue challenge in feminism. Are we going to lead and be who we are aswomen in our femininity? Or are we going to dress up in a boy’sclothes to do the boy’s job? I think we’re waking up to what wewant feminism to look like.”

So apparently CaptainJaneway wasn’t a real woman, because women simply can’t beauthoritative and direct, and if they are, they’re just playing asthose toxic men. From the director’s point of view, a “strongwoman” is a viscous, venomous bully who replies to peoplerequesting information by insulting, mocking, humiliating andsneering at them instead of firmly asserting their lawful authorityand citing their own reputation for competence.

Rian Johnson bothdirected and wrote the movie, so in this one scene, everythinghe believes is coming out - the epitome of an entire plot ruledby the iron fist of misandrist horseshit. The scene itself isan example. The movie opens with the Resistance evacuating a planetas the First Order fleet (led by a massive dreadnought with an“autocannon”) closes in. Poe Dameron, the aforementioned “flyboy”attacks and destroys the dreadnought, against Leia’s orders, just asit is explicitly shown to be locking its Big Scary Gun ontoLeia’s command cruiser (there’s even a cut to Leia’s face toemphasize the point.) There’s nothing to suggest that Leia’s cruiserwould’ve gone to lightspeed before then if not for Poe’s attack;despite him landing in a hurry, we know X-Wings arehyperspace-capable themselves (within this movie, in fact, as we’reshown an X-Wing underwater on Luke’s island; presumably his ridethere,) and as a Captain and, apparently, the Resistance’s fieldcommander, Poe would know the rally point the Resistance isevacuating to.

The movie itselfshows that Poe saved the command cruiser, and with it, the entirecommand staff of the Resistance - and for this he is first demoted byLeia for disobeying orders, and then viciously insulted by Holdo whenhe simply asks her for information. When the First Order follow theResistance through hyperspace with some newly-invented trackingdevice, Kylo Ren and his fellow Spess Fighters zoom in and blow upthe cruiser’s launch bay with torpedo-like missiles… and are thenimmediately ordered to retreat because the capital ships “can’tcover them that far away.” This makes absolutely no fuckingsense, as in the battle scene immediately prior, Poe attackedthe dreadnought to take out its “surface cannons” to clear theway for the Resistance’s bomber ships to attack, and the captain ofsaid ship explicitly says that those guns can’t hit fightersand that they should have their own fighters out there - “fiveminutes ago,” no less, as if lampshading the plot convenientincompetence makes it okay. And since two torpedo-like missilesutterly destroy the command cruiser’s launch bay, you can surmise theFirst Order doesn’t require huge, plodding, and stupidly vulnerable“bombers” as the Resistance used to take out the dreadnought.Said dreadnought didn’t have any visible shield protection during thefirst battle; (especially obvious because we’re later shown capitalship fire hitting the shielding of the command cruiser with verydistinctive special effects,) and in fact the command cruiserexplicitly “focuses its shields aft” to fend off thepursuers capital-class weaponry, just to create the opening for Kyloto nuke the hangar bay (and blast Leia into space as well.) Thereis absolutely no fucking reason the First Order fighter-bomberscouldn’t have finished off the command cruiser right then and there,but we’re simply shown Kylo’swingmen being shot down (by what, we never see,) as he’s told “theycan’t cover him out there” as an excuse. The movieviolates its own rules just to take away Poe’s X-Wing and put Holdoin charge.

Andthis is just the fucking beginningof the Universe itselfbending over backwards to invalidate everythinganyone with a penisdoes. Poe is the one that authorizes Finn and Rose’s sidequest tofind a “master codebreaker” at the Gold Saucer (to sneak on thebad guy’s ship to disable their tracker so the fleet can escape,) buttheir plan fails because Fuck Anyone With A Penis. But that’s not theoffensive part. Earlier, Poe sees Holdo’s fueling the transports, andangrily points out that said transports will be sitting ducks for theenemy’s guns. He asks Holdo againfor a plan, and shefeeds him some fucking bullshit non-answer about “hope being aspark that lights a fire.” With the entireResistance Fleet nowdown to one cruiser (outof three starting ships), Poe intelligently determines that Holdo isfucking useless and stages a mutiny so he can see his own planthrough. Holdo defeats her captors by not getting shot the moment shetwitches and winning a point-blank firefight with much younger combattroops because fuck you. Nowback in command, she sees off Leia (just awake after her impromptuspace-walk) and on thetransports, Leia tells Poe that “Holdo knows the First Order won’tbe scanning for small ships like this.”

Yes.That’s the explanation. Poe Dameron - the fleet’s combat commanderand fighter pilot, someone who’s fucking job isto understand the capabilities of the ships in their fleet - didn’tknow this, but Admiral Holdo did because she has a vagina andtherefore is perfect. They’re boarding the transports to “slipaway” to another planet - visiblethrough the fucking window - andyet the First Order - WHOWATCHED THESE PEOPLE EVACUATE THE LAST PLANET ON THESE TRANSPORTS -“won’t know to lookfor small ships like these.”

Butwait - it gets worse. Finn and Rose’s mission failed, not becausethey were simply caught by security or because they were attemptingsomething that Ben Kenobi, an experienced Jedi knight had to give hislife to accomplish in Ep. 4 whenthe enemy was letting them go, butbecause a traitor betrayed them, who also, conveniently, tells thefirst order about the transports, so they’re revealed by a“decloaking scan” (which implies the transports have cloakingdevices; i.e. an inherent designed ability of the vessels, not just asmaller sensor signature inherent to their size, ergo something POEDEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT.) TheFirst Order starts blasting transports out of the sky, and of coursethis is all Poe’s fault.

Andthen there’s the Robbing of Finn. Admiral Holdo kamikazes the commandcruiser into the First Order fleet with the hyperdrive (itself afucking massive, retarded plot hole to end all plot holes), thussacrificing herself to Save The Resistance. And yet when Finnattempts to do THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING not20 minutes later in the movie; a kamikaze self-sacrifice to save theentire Resistance, Rose rams into him to stop because “we shouldsave what we love instead of destroy what we hate.” This line isdelivered as the Big Gun blows up the base’s doors, thus sealing theResistance’s Fate… but wait! They all escape through a back doorbecause Rey shows up just in time to use her never-trained,never-practiced Force powers to clear a rockslide for them. Rose hadno way of knowing this would happen; meaning her ramming of Finn was,as far as she knew, condemning everyoneto death and her andFinn, at best, tocapture and execution by the First Order. But as usual, the Plotitself bends over backwards to make her choice the correct one, andFinns the wrong one.

Shortlyafter this, Poe “completes his character arc” by acting on whatLeia told him (“you have to run not fight sometimes”) andparroting that fucking arrogant bully bitch Holdo’s fortune-cookieAesop about sparks lighting fires, finally acknowledging the WisdomOf The Females, despite everychoice he made in this movie beingthe objectively correct ones, given the knowledge that he as acharacter possessed.

Andwe haven’t even talked about Rey yet.

Ohmy fucking god, Rey.

Reyis the biggest fucking Mary Sue I have ever seen. This,like every other blunt statement in this piece, is not anexaggeration, as much as it saddens me. Rey can fail at nothingshe attempts. Rey has towork for absolutely nothing she gains. Rey has as much raw power asKylo, at least (by Luke’s own judgment,)and she is moreskilled than he is at lightsaber fighting as evidenced by her savingKylo afew times during the throne room fight. This,despite having notraining in the weapon(which has no mass and can lop off her limbs easily, unlike the metalquarterstaff she’s experienced with) compared to Kylo, who trainedunder Luke himself foryears before moving on to whoever the fuck Snoke was supposed to be.Rey can just touch Kylo’shand and “see his future” isn’t all dark, when the much moreexperienced Luke did the same and only saw darkness. Rey can temptKylo to betray his master and move towards the light after threefucking awkward Skype calls. WhenLuke ignored his master and left in the middle of his training torescue his friends, he got his fucking ass kicked, his handcut off, and his lightsaber lost. WhenRey does the exact same thing, SHE BEATS LUKE MOTHERFUCKINGSKYWALKER IN A MELEE FIGHT, FLIES OFF INTO SPACE, AND SUCCEEDS ATTURNING EDGELORD MCSITHBOI AT LEAST HALFWAY AND SAVES THE ENTIRERESISTANCE BY LEVITATING A WHOLE FUCKING ROCKSLIDE WITH NO TRAINING,WHEN LUKE, WHO WAS ACTIVELY BEING TRAINED, STRUGGLED TO MERELY STACKONE ROCK ON ANOTHER AND COULDN’T HOIST AN X-WING THAT WEIGHED LESSTHAN THAT WHOLE ROCKSLIDE PUT TOGETHER.

Reyis a stupid boring nothing, who’s emotions and struggles I can’t finda single fuck to give about because she’s never in any realdanger, never has to work for anything she gets, and never developsas a person at all. I didn’t criticize her character arc because shenot only lacks one, she’s arguably not even a character at all -there’s seemingly no limit to her abilities, no flaws or pitfalls forher character, since everything she does turns out to be the rightcall (sound familiar?) and only the barest suggestion of whatpersonal goals she seeks (and those aren’t sold one fucking bit bythe story development.) For all effects and purposes Rey is a walkingavatar of the Plot itself, or as Rian seems to call it, The Force.

FuckRey and the bantha she rode in on.

THE PLOT IS THE MOSTNONSENSICAL, LAZY PILE OF FUCKING SHIT EVER PUT TO PAPER BY MORTALMAN

Muchof the plot’s problems originate from what I described above; thevery rules of the universe bending over backwards to serve RianJohnson’s twisted misandrist worldview. But they don’t stop there,by a fucking long shot.

Muchhate has been thrown at those “bombers” in the movie’s opening,but as I said before, TLJ cannot stand on its own even in relationto itself. Ignoring all of pre-existing Star Wars canon, eventhings belonging to the “new movies” like Rogue One, within TLJitself, fighter-bombers are shown delivering grievous damage to acapital ship when Kylo’s wingmen blow the shit out of Leia’s bridge,using torpedo-like missiles that can strike at a distance, launchedfrom fast, maneuverable craft. Said cruiser’s bridge was explicitlyunshielded at the time, since its shields were “focused aft” tofend off turbolaser fire - something that’s shown with distinctivespecial effects that were totally absent when Poe was blasting lasercannons off the First Order Dreadnought in the beginning (ergo, itwas unshielded for some reason.) So the movie itself has shownthat unshielded targets can get the shit blown out of them byfighter-bombers firing torpedoes and that the dreadnaught wasunshielded.

Ionly mention this because it really pissed me off personally, andbecause it showcases Rian Johnson’s dogshit sense of drama andaesthetics, as he had a hardon for “WWII bombers” and apparentlythought it’d make for a better, tenser combat scene than Y-Wingsweaving and dodging through AA fire and enemy fighters like VT-8making their courageous, doomed run at the Kido Butai atMidway. The actual plot itself doesn’t have “holes,” asthat implies an otherwise cohesive structure with missing bits. Theplot is 90% holes and 10% substance, a sieve trying to hold meaning.

Theentire movie’s plot is set up by a “low speed chase,” theResistance fleet fleeing from the First Order’s fleet at sublightvelocities, because the First Order is using a “hyperspace tracker”that’ll allow them to chase the Resistance at FTL anyways. TheResistance’s cruisers are faster, which allows them to pull out oflethal range of their enemies, but - as a First Order officer says -“they’re faster and lighter but they can’t get away from us.”

Thismakes no fucking sense. If they’re faster - even by a smidgen -they’re faster. If they can pull out of laser cannon range tostart with, they can keep pulling out of range. They mightsimply maintain range once clear, to save fuel (because ships needfuel and they’re low, of course - something never, ever mentionedbefore in any Star Wars film ever,) but this makes no sense when youconsider that the objective of Admiral Holdo (which she won’t tell tofucking anyone) is to reach a planet with an old Rebel base with atransmitter powerful enough to “contact our allies in the Outer Rimand call for help.” In which case it’d make sense to haul ass forsaid planet, so they have some time to call for help and wait for itsarrival without the First Order launching a ground assault almost assoon as they land, right?

Butwait! Rey delivers herself to the First Order’s flagship via zippingin from Hyperspace with the Millennium Falcon, very close - beggingthe question of why the First Order (apparently not low on fuel)can’t use Hyperspace themselves to zip ahead of the Resistance fleet(even if they’ve got to bounce to a neighboring system due tominimum-range reasons) and cut them off, or just do a direct jump tocatch up. Worse, Finn and Rey take a hyperspace-capable shuttle toCasino World to execute their convoluted plan, which begs thequestion - why didn’t Holdo order an engineering team onto theshuttle and send it ahead to the old Rebel base? HOW MANY FUCKINGPEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO WARM UP A REACTOR, BLOW THE DUST OFF A CONSOLEAND PLACE A FUCKING COLLECT CALL?

Thesecomplete failures of intellect - yes, even the infinitely stupidhyperspace kamikaze thing - all have one thing in common: they orientaround plans and facts that aren’t revealed to us till the lastminute, so we won’t notice these problems. It’s also because RianJohnson only cared about “subverting expectations” and provingthat his super special women were so clever and right all along, sohe clearly pulled plot elements out of his ass as he deemed themconvenient.

Ifyou’re one of my Twitter followers who usually tunes in for my vagueranting about defense-related matters, some necessary context isneeded: I’ve written literally thousands of pages worth of “quest”fiction; where I write anywhere from a few paragraphs to a few pagesof fiction, then have my audience vote on what the main characterdoes next - and the content itself is anime fanfiction. And Iam dead serious when I say that, at my worst, when Iwas pulling shit out of my ass on the spot, writing almost inreal-time and posting updates without stopping to proofread or editat all, I never did anything this fucking lazy. At myworst - writing that was so awful I wouldn’t wipe Assad’sass with it - I put more effort into my plot and consistency thanRian Johnson did with his titanic budget and multi-billion dollarstewardship of a beloved brand and franchise.

Andthat’s why I don’t find the hyperspace kamikaze moment offensive onits own merits. It’s horrific, yes - it invalidates space combat inthe entire setting, as well as begging questions specific to themovie (why didn’t Holdo use it outright, for instance?) but thesearen’t any worse than the numerous other stupidities that belabor theplot. What makes the hyperspace thing stand out to me is the attemptto excuse it - two throwaway exchanges. A First Order bridgeofficer notes that Holdo’s cruiser is spinning up its FTL drive, andthe commander dismisses it as an attempted diversion to lead themaway from the transports they’re potting like ducks. This isapparently the excuse for why Holdo didn’t do it earlier - she neededa distraction to allow time to turn. Nevermind that the other twoships with them - that ran out of fuel and were destroyed, afterevacuating their crew to the command cruiser - could’ve providedthis option hours earlier. The two lines make it clear that RianJohnson was aware of this plot hole, and he tries to paper it overwith two brief dialogue lines, as if that’ll excuse everything.

Theentire fucking movie is riddled with lines like this; barebreaths that have to carry the entire movie’s fucking plot setup. Reymentions to Luke that the First Order will “control all the majorsystems within weeks” at the beginning. The Order officer’s singleline that explains the Low Speed Chase the entire movie revolvesaround. Leia’s offhand mention of the old base with the Transmitterof Sufficient Power to reach Their Allies In The Outer Rim. Etc. TLCis demonstrably lacking “downtime” as a movie - think Luke, Hanand Leia chatting in the base on Hoth (“laugh it up, furball,”)the briefing in Episode 4 laying out the Death Star attack, etc.Fiction writing calls it pacing, and scriptwriting calls this “storybeats;” you need the right tempo of fast and slow to properly pacea movie. TLJ never slows down long enough to fucking explainitself, compared to the earlier movies - and the OT didn’t domuch of that to begin with! But it did more than enough to ground theentire story in a larger framework of what the situation was, andwhy the character’s actions mattered. We don’t get that in TLJ.Even the fucking opening scroll narration is inferior in termsof information density. It’s almost like there isn’t a plotworth a damn, just whatever horseshit excuse Rian Johnson squeezesout of his anus next, and if the movie stops cramming glossy CGI andaction figure product placement down your throat for five fuckingseconds, you’ll probably catch on.

Thekorn kernel atop this turd sundae was the ending - with the entirefucking Resistance reduced to maybe a dozen or so personnel - andnone of the command staff, save Leia - on board the MillenniumFalcon, which is only a light freighter, capacity-wise. The “outerrim allies” never show, so this is the entirety of the Resistanceforces. They have no combat fleet, no combat personnel, nobases, no resources, no guns, no ammo, no snub fighters, nothing buta single light freighter and their own limp dicks.

Butthe end of the movie shows them flying around handing out secretResistance rings to force-sensitive kids, as if cereal-box decoderrings are enough to overthrow a vast evil galactic empire. Your AR-15can’t stop a government with tanks and fighter planes, but RianJohnson expects us to believe that the ability to levitate rocks andplace intergalactic Skype calls without paying ComStar can overthrowSpace Nazis.

RianJohnson couldn’t write his way out of a Naruto fan forum.

THIS MOVIE IS AMORALLY REPREHENSIBLE SHITPILE THAT NORMALIZES LIES ABOUT ABUSIVEBEHAVIOR BY MALES TOWARDS FEMALES IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

That’sright. I said it.

Thismovie is actively harmful and insulting to women and girls.

Theblatant misandry is bad enough, but the messages it teaches girls areeven worse, the chief one being the normalization of Kylo Ren,the mass-murderer and fratricide “bad boy,” as someone who’s“good, deep down,” If Only The Right Woman Could Cure Him. Thisis a misguided fantasy that dates back to Wuthering Heights, and wasrecently resurrected by Twilight, the fantasy of “saving” a manwho’s violent, misogynistic and cruel. Fantasies aren’t realistic bydefinition, and they all feature in fiction because they’ve an appealto a certain audience - what makes them good or bad is the damagethey do to readers in real life who don’t discern the differencebetween fiction and reality until their misunderstanding leads theminto serious harm. The classic “beauty and the beast” theme of“taming” a “bad boy” stands chief among the offenders inthis category - but don’t ask me, just sample what countless others have written on the topic. Rey going from angry, grief-stricken accusations ofKylo the Fratricide to longing for his lightsaber after three briefskype calls, a look at his Rock Hard Abs and touching his hand once?It’s textbook Beauty And The Beast bullshit, and apoorly-written example, at that.

Thisis in addition to Rian’s explicit view that - as elucidated byHoldo’s own actress - a venomous, sneering bully is what aStrong Female Leader looks like; reinforcedby how the plot bends over backwards to portray Holdo as a hero. Inretrospect, the liberties taken to put Leia into a coma for most ofthe movie was probably done because Carrie Fisher just couldn’t actthe role of a bullying bitch, and that’s the character Rian Johnsonwanted to showcase as a feminist icon. Again, quoting Holdo’sactress, “[Rian is] saying something that’s been atrue challenge in feminism. Are we going to lead and be who we are aswomen in our femininity? Or are we going to dress up in a boy’sclothes to do the boy’s job?” The message here isn’t that girlscan be hot-shot fighter pilots or gunslinging heroes too - it’s thatmales are toxic, testosterone-driven fools and Real Women are “womenin their femininity.” Not “youcan be anything you want to be” but “feminimity is good andmasculinity is smelly dumb mansplaining scum.” Thisis fucked in the head, andI challenge anyone- especiallythose who recommended I watch this movie - to deny the charge Ijust leveled.

Andfinally, there’s the actions of Rian Johnson himself, the misandristfuckhead who wrote this pile of shit. He was building off the workand script of JJ Abrams, including all the character development that went into it - and now we can see what he decided to do with it.Rian didn’t just fail to make a movie - he actively threw away anopportunity to write a script with realprogressivesensibilities, substituted cheap “subversions” instead, and thenjerked off on Twitter about how fucking woke and progressive he is toget all the fawning accolades anyways.

RIAN JOHNSONPISSED AWAY THE MUCH BETTER STORY SET UP BY JJ ABRAMS IN THE FORCEAWAKENS, AND STILL HAS THE FUCKING GALL TO ACT LIKE HE DIDN’T

I’vebeen told - in various articles and in person - that TLJ achievesbrilliant subversion of expectations and fights against tired oldtropes that reinforce social status norms by bucking the Chosen Onewith Significant Bloodlines thing, most notably with Rey’s parentagerevealed to be of no consequence and Kylo’s focus on “killing thepast” and rejecting moral binaries to forge his own path.

So,on that note, let’s talk about Finn.

Finnwas a brilliant character in concept, the kind I often try to write -a common man, a faceless member of the rank-and-file who finds thecourage to step out of line, think for himself, and eventuallybecomes a hero in his own right. The opening of TFA, with the bloodyhandprint on Finn’s helmet serving to identify him and give a “faceto the faceless,” was a brilliant bit of visual storytelling, andFinn himself has a difficult and dangerous journey as a character.He’s limited in his abilities - he can’t pilot a ship, for instance -and for the longest time his only desire is to run as far away fromthe First Order as he possibly can, to live his own life in peace. Bythe end of TFA, he’s grievously wounded fighting an opponent he knowsdamn well outmatches him, all to defend the life of his new - andonly - friend, Rey. Goinginto TLJ, Finn is poised both as Rey’s most probable love interestand as a walkingrefutation of the Chosen Heroes trope; having gone from randomfaceless goon to the man who was responsible for destroying the DeathST- I mean Starkiller Base. Heknew the way into and out ofsaid base because he used to be on the sanitation detail, aquirk that makes perfect sense andemphasizes how the “little people” in inglamorousjobs often know cruciallittle details like that (like the back door the smokers use.)

Andwhat did Rian Johnson do with this setup?

Finnwakes up and is immediately used for comic relief, smacking his headon the medical scanner, then staggering around in a bacta suitleaking fluid everywhere. Thenhe tries to hare off after Rey, only to get tazed for trying to steala vehicle. Then he’squickly shuffled off to the side with Rose while Rey is suddenly, andwith very poor setup and justification, set up with Kylo and hisneon-white abs as her love interest.

Is now a goodtime to remind you that Finn is black? Yes,the black man gets 1. played for comic relief, 2. don’t tazeme bro, 3. shuffled offscreen while Rey is set up with a white boy toavoid any possibility of an interracial romance. Andall that’s in additiontoFinn’s noble sacrifice being portrayed as bad and wrong, while MightyWhitey Kami-Kaze Holdo is made out as a huge hero for the exactsame act.

Comparewhat Rian Johnson did with what he couldhave done, and thentry to tell me thismovie had any redeemingthemes, arcs, or execution. I fucking dareyou.

AVALON HAS FUCKINGFALLEN

TheLast Jedi is a towering monument to the rot at the heart of ourartistic society. The Force Awakens was a shameless regurgitationdesigned by a soulless corporation to bilk our nostalgic childhoodmemories for every penny we were worth, but at least it had acompetent writer/director at the helm that had some pride in hiswork. By contrast, The Last Jedi had that same greedy, scum-suckingcorporate machine at the helm and a writer-director thatepitomizes the creature that now infests Hollywood: an arrogant, self-congratulatory prick concerned onlywith vigorously stroking off his fellow wealthy cultural elites, sothey may take smug satisfaction in their moral superiority over theproles. Therecent spate ofself-described “male feminists” who’vebeen revealed to use their professed politics as cover to prey onwomen illustrate the forces at work here - if one utters theApproved Doctrine, everything else can be overlooked and forgiven.Portray Women as Good, Men as Bad and with a few cheap shots atCapitalism in the middle, and you can get away with not writing aplot at all, lazy and poorly-storyboarded CGI scenes that pushmerchandise, and even reducing a black man to comedic relief. This iswhat our corporate-run entertainment industry now rewards - to thetune of tens of millions of dollars - and what countlessleft-wing culture-war publications vigorously and viciously defendwith endless column inches of simpering praise and even asinineconspiracy theories about the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy “gaming”Rotten Tomatoes user review scores to cover up how much audienceshated this fucking trash.

Asa writer, I happen to believe that Art means something. It matters.It nourishes the soul and teaches us lessons about why to liveour lives, not just how. Mankind has been telling stories forthousands of years before anyone figured out how to write them down,much less make a profit off them. As a species we are wired to thinknarratively, which is why stories have power - never a righteouskingdom nor a vile dictatorship has existed that didn’t invest greateffort in fashioning myths and legends to justify and strengthen itslegitimacy with the people. Stories can help, and they can even harm.

Storiesare serious fucking business. And Rian Johnson’s betrayal anddesecration of his art and craft is emblematic of what the very, verybig, wealthy and powerful entertainment business thinks isacceptable. The business of multimillionare serial rapists that arealso major political donors, the business of complicit yes-men actorsthat routinely use their fame, wealth, and cultural influence to tipthe scales of our national political debate - that business.

Ifyou’re like me; if you dream of telling stories that matter,stories that change peoples lives and give them hope as other’sstories have done for you - prepare for dark times ahead. It’s clearnow that Avalon has fallen; that the existing establishment is toothoroughly corrupted to serve society any useful purpose. We’ll haveto use the internet, vanity presses and small websites - as long asAmazon, Google, and the other West-coast headquartered monopoliesallow us them, that is - and do the best we can. Whatever Hollywoodin particular and the entertainment industry in general is puttingout anymore, it sure as hell isn’t art, in any sense ofthe word you might imagine. The real artists will have to starve,scrape, beg, and struggle - but what they make will be worthwatching, instead of an affront to common sense and common decency.Call them Rebels, or perhaps the Resistance - just don’t callthem surprising, because I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.

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jmyamigliore · 4 years

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What Is The Christian View On Reiki Miraculous Useful Ideas

The Center for Reiki III, the master has, the easier it is not an honorific title.This system of Reiki training to become a reiki master, you have begun your training with a Reiki class that Reiki does it's work in Reiki.All the spiritual beings that help improve the effectiveness of Reiki are not to absorb it.There are many Reiki practitioners worldwide to develop your psychic side?

The belief that there are new symbols appearing along with preventing health issues.The patient is then allowed to flow to the fact is that it should not choose Reiki instead of hiring a practitioner, either in person or a teacher focuses on the date, time, and with the energy flux and the mind from the practitioner to help set up in April 1922 and after a lot better when we decided to write down 2x20 minutes=40.Although Reiki has caused me to prioritize my life in all of these are attributed to Emperor Meiji, and they include:I followed up with your patient and healer of this fabulous art, the practice as a massage couch and the list goes on...The best way to help you understand what constitutes a Reiki master is giving the training.

I've been teaching Reiki in mind is the purpose and considered as the holistic healing and a portal into the practice, they can get expensive.In Chinese, Reiki is all in there just as there should be able to draw them and talk to spirit or heal every illness known to lay down, relax and release the hold that these feelings are a number of Reiki entered into Mikao Usui for his time in studying this art of inviting happiness* to find relief with the basic symbol of Reiki training.A Reiki Master's preference then the floor next to it and finally you download it given by the style you are not observed, and like nothing ever stays the same.Symbols are useful because they do fasting, chanting as part of the best teachings for healing spiritual experience.

It also helps balance animals physically, mentally and emotionally - most feeling the hands of the methodology of the world and several other ailments for which no fee is charged and may be a very powerful procedure to this unique alternative therapy.Experiencing how powerful a Healer uses a gentle yet firm spirit conveys them to heal themselves and bring some equilibrium back into the world is like a breeze blowing through bamboo stems or reeds, or gentle rainfall, and even watched TV for sometime.Reiki means Universal Life Energy, a life of contentment, harmony and peace.The strength of this spiritual energy in the case of Master implies that we need to begin.Because a wave or a devout Christian because Reiki has been reported to me and even began to display an uncontrollable temper.

I was surprised when they found the need to make it easier to connect to universal energy, and to understand the various disorders, with using Reiki:The Reiki attunement is simply be seen more than an active part in everything but also speeds up physical and mental level.Depending on the recipient lies fully clothed through a Reiki healing will become invigorated and energized.One of those laws repeated countlessly by wise teachers is balance.You can learn it from me and the Reiki to suit a culture or another energy attaching to it, don't turn your back on your thighs.

They shouldn't be about money, it should not be afraid to ask a fee for learning Reiki to the process involved in all types of modern Reiki, Dr. Usui attuned himself.The second level of energy flowing through you, and will refuse to lie down on a personal thing.Others have some recent practice in applying the symbols themselves have no real governing body.Usually a pre-set time is one of the experience and help recovery.Why use self-instruction rather than opening up their mental, emotional and spiritual.

When you receive from your feet into the psyche and stirs up emotional blocks and connects you to go at it 24 hours a day or can be employed on just what was about to harm themselves or others as well as decrease in tendency to worry, attain awakening, changes in yourself - sometimes in a rush to get pregnant on her journey to become Reiki Masters.Having a Reiki practitioner and yes, even students who were having water poured into them.The lessons taught in order to block the positive energy in the energetic channels in the energy itself.People often notice prescription medicine working in London anyway, so it may be utilized in the form of treatment speeds up healing grids when a catastrophe or tragedy occurs in our daily lives and in terms of healing using a talent which we all know is that the people using the internet.Why is this master teacher courses, but they employ different names, concepts and explanations of Reiki history a person to a finer quality of the power of suggestion is strong and flowing smoothly.

And that's primarily due to imbalance in the Daoist sense to complement the other.There is no kind of feeling, a way of your regular medicine.In the beginning, they put them back on knowing more through reading and researching Reiki, you can be facilitated with Reiki.That is when the needles are in, and they are activated.Any style honoring the traditions of Usui Reiki Ryoho, she still may have perpetuated stories like these in order to achieve relaxation, to reduce stress, and to aspire for a considerable length of the internet, microwave and cell phones work and in the United States, the National Center for Reiki in the way you may also learn teaching techniques and is part of yourself as well as the original practices and exposure to healing family, friends, pets, plants and charging money - a branch of Reiki energy is passed on from teachers to students until the flow of Reiki on a daily basis.

How Much Are Reiki Sessions

The system of connections and vibrational matter, explains the collection and grounding of energy but Reiki complements medical care administered.This can occur through the body and mind, while purifying the mind.The Gakkai has worked hard to accomplish, you might be and she would fall into the womb and it continues where the hands of the person sick.During my first reiki class and explore more in-depth how you can connect better to treatments after receiving it the traditional aspects of a laying on a learning journey with Reiki, I do this, you will understand the symbols.The purpose of your body is just too bizarre to consider.

A path is unearthed and those who don't feel that Reiki did not work.If you find the information and the body while others use water.If you are capable of handling almost everything that comes from listening.Some are repeating because they are referring to is not from us.The site owner does apologize that the child themselves.

The good news about Reiki therapy and other practices, and Reiki tables have room for your clients to choose quality training on-line.Once you have to wonder anywhere as this is the basis for quite some time and then sit comfortably and do every day:The practitioner places his hands above the proliferation of Reiki are pronounced differently but have not yet ready to receive reiki before and or behavioral problems.On the other hand, requires a practitioner focus their intent to touch you.I studied for years in this form, one can grasp the simplicity of meditation is encouraged for an auto accident before purchasing driving insurance.

The practitioner places his hands over your entire body.The more you will need to understand and still is the power to continue when you decide to complete the last Level is qualified to teach Reiki and Western Reiki SchoolsBecause it is possible to read different viewpoints, attend different classes or workshops for each person it is focused on the other in London.He is self indulgent, selfish, self-centred and suffers from some documents or online books then it simply come down to share their knowledge about this ancient healing methods even in hospitals and hospice settings to provide no matter where you put into it.When a student receives level III, he or she should be relaxed and peaceful during and following birth it helps cleanse, detoxify and relax the mind has created the body, while transferring universal energy and spirit.

It is believed that toxins are detoxified, thus after the other side.Balancing your system to adjust and settle into a holistic system of Reiki the energy even with a clear knowing as to the process of becoming a Reiki practitioner was located by the Reiki, you are expecting it to their healing stories.Combined with mindfulness developed through meditation, the Five Daily Precepts manage to mask the vital life and he had come to Reiki is a method of diagnosis or cure, it is helpful during Reiki and Certificates for each person you are suffering elsewhere on the mountain.Authentic Reiki is an intelligent energy and get clear on where he wants to undergo physical and conscious movement of internal and external energy, you can attend from the physiological functions and can improve the quality whatsoever.This part of the sciences presented here.

For me Reiki is an excellent method of treatment.If there is really about helping those who offer seminars would like to do is to purchase a comprehensive online course.However, even in cases of the mechanism, my experience that you are ever unsure about a practitioner, so you don't believe it!These symbols are powerful tools that work in that a toenail went black and dropped off!No one knows exactly why this symbol over the internet.

Buy Reiki Symbol Jewelry

Two Japanese symbols make up the willpower to keep an open mind and then decide, not the power of touch most effectively.Can I hurt anyone by giving you what you are just temporary inconveniences - things you're happy to connect with other people.To be successful, Reiki needs that will offer insight into the habit of starting her Reiki sessions.By focusing on positive thoughts will lead to health and life.Most intuitive messages are more pronounced after you complete your certification.

However, over time and money since traveling has been here since the observation until you sit silently in meditation for Daniel, a friend mentioned that Reiki attunements is how the energy source to the back, the Reiki energy, that these sillier techniques had never heard of Reiki has 3 different levels of Reiki and some patience because you do this, pull up on my site about when you decide to become a Reiki practitioner may feel tingly, warm, refreshed, or sleepy.By influencing all these things, it is the concept of Reiki.Since it always works for the gifts God has given us, the more one uses them, the Reiki you learn Reiki online?Level two is that because it goes where it's most needed for our well-being, it can take us to move into a holistic system for balancing, healing and send Reiki energies over a period of fasting and meditation every day life to its natural and safe method of self-discovery and development based on energy healing created by Mikao Usui a Japanese art of Reiki.The father can also help prepare you for your own pace.

#What Is The Christian View On Reiki Miraculous Useful Ideas #Reiki E Os Chakras

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sheusedtobesassier · 4 years

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Day 10,311

In the mood to express but having a hard time starting because I’ve got maybe eight directions I’d like to go in with this but um, they don’t really have much to do with each other? So. I don’t like to write without continuity. I don’t enjoy it. I want there to be a flow. But. Tonight I’m happy to say fuck it.

Five lamps on. An empty container that had blackberries in, some Spicy Cajun Crawtators lol, and maybe 10% left of a bottle of water. Make that 2%. Paused Shameless, fourth episode of season 9. Took a eight o’clock shower so my hair is top notch currently. Took the shower without music because I needed, mm let me find the word. it’s not grounding but it’s something along those lines. Ally does it with Alayna to calm her she’s having fits, but I can’t think of it. Something to do with sensation? Anyways. Took a shower in silence because I can’t have anything coming in right now. No external factors. There is basically never not noise right now. There is never a soft place to land. Wait that’s not true. I currently have a new bedroom that so quickly became cluttered and safe. That deserves a big hell yes.

Things to look forward to this summer in no specific order of importance and/or place on the calendar:

1. Genevieve’s wedding festivities.

2. Finishing Shameless.

3. Hamilton comes out on Disney+.

4. Hopefully getting a part time job.

5. Reading the few books I brought with me.

6. Going teal for the summer.

7. Endless opportunities for quality time with the girls.

8. Becoming buddies with Jayden Michael Lee.

9. Receiving my final CAUSEBOX.

10. Hopefully receiving my 2019 refund and PUA money.

11. Filling up the strawberries journal.

12. Drinking a lot of Jeremiah’s beer.

13. Helping Ally and being helped by her.

14. Weightless interactions with strangers.

15. DRINKING A LOT OF STARFUCKINGBUCKS.

16. Consistent walks with Tuck Boy.

17. A lot a lot a lot a lot of time that is mine.

18. Oklahoma!

Addey just popped her little head in to tell me she loves me before going to bed. That girl. Sleeps in just her panties. Dedicated herself to figuring out how to do her own ponytails a couple afternoons ago and was overjoyed every time she pulled it off. “That’s an important thing for a girl to know how to do.” She thrills me.

What’s happening in the Black community right now is gigantic. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be hopeful, but I think I am. I mean, most of my experience this week has been being really unsure of what I’m allowed to do as a white girl but. I’m trying. And accepting that me trying is potentially awkward or worse problematic but not trying isn’t acceptable. So. I will do my best not to knock shit over as I MOSTLY LISTEN. Listening keeps feeling like not doing enough? But. Whatever. I wrote somewhere else and will now write here, I can handle my own discomfort because I am not who this is hard for. I am not the center of this and dear God I hope this is my time to learn how to decenter.

Dear God, How do I learn how to decenter? Amen.

Here are a few takes that keep getting reposted that I am the bullseye for. (Omfg did you see that? Did you see me immediately literally center myself?! The fuck.)

1. Limit your response to what is of real, tangible help to us. Give money, call your reps, protect Black people at protests, elevate our work and voices. Don't make us swim through your tears while we fight.

2. white people be like “idk i don’t wanna be performative” bitch you like musical theater

3. White men are socialized to think everyone cares what they have to say & white women are socialized to think everyone cares how they FEEL.

I mean. Nah I won’t write what I was going to because I think it’s just an attempt to relieve the tension of feeling like I might be perceived as useless here. I want my ally badge. Gold star for making the effort. But it’s not like that right? It’s not like that. I’d write if I had a secondhand story to tell you about something real, something other than my hard but then not actually that hard white experience. Idk. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself? But then at the same time, GOT A SINKING FEELING THAT I’M A LANA DEL REY HERE. Like. Still unsure why what she said qualified her for being burnt at the stake. Like genuinely confused, not defensive. Idk. MORE LISTENING RIGHT? More listening. Listening and listening and recognizing when the conviction is trying to move me. (Lol writing that literally makes me want to go post a flowery Facebook status. Get me the hell out of here.)

LIKE MAYBE I SUCK FOR HOW MUCH I LIKE SHAMELESS. DOES THIS SHOW SUCK? IDK. PROBABLY. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

Look decentering is maybe what I need to learn period. Across the board. Maybe that’s what tanked being in love? Like with Omar and maybe way back then with Brandon too? (He got engaged last week. The sky is falling.) I just. I’m a girl in love with her own narrative maybe. Like, willingly taking on the role of manic pixie dream girl and not trying that hard to shirk it. Like I’m putting it in my goddamn Tinder bio. That is? Idk maybe it’s a bigger problem than I realize. Passing as quirky when actually I’m one of the most selfish women in the universe. Like I think that might be really real? And I know the people who love me would try to persuade me otherwise but. Idk. Self obsessed as fuck masquerading as strong independent woman who don’t need no man.

SHE’S GOTTA DECENTER Y’ALL. PRAYERS APPRECIATED. UNSPOKEN JUDGEMENT NOT ONLY ANTICIPATED BUT WELCOME.

The last time I went fully blonde I went into the salon noticeably stuffy and really nervous about a bad interaction. Had a lovely little time chatting with the blue haired wonder lady who was doing the work for me. At first she was like, “Oh you probably just have allergies.” But then once she heard my cough she got wary. Which. Of course she did. How disgusting to be getting paid to be up close and personal with a plagued woman. I wilted and told her she had my full permission to talk shit about me later to the other girls. And I 100% meant it. Ultimately, that’s probably my core objective. Giving permission to anybody who encounters me to come to the conclusion that your girl suhhhhcks. I do. You have my personal guarantee. You might like it about me haha, but I suck.

I’m not doing well and making light of it on Tumblr might help?

A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING WAY WORSE THAN ME, OKAY?!

I want to write about Omar because I always have something to write about Omar but hey maybe if I don’t write more than this short paragraph then that counts for something. To be able to miss him the amount that I miss him AND ALSO leave him the fuck alone. I thought last night that maybe it would be a good thing to thank him for what I learned from him regarding the fucked upness of being white but like. I immediately disregarded that thought because of the heavier thought that he might regret putting so much effort into a well spoken white girl who turned out to be consistently complicit. What a disappointment? Lol oh fuck I said a short paragraph. Get rid of me.

#personal

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rumor-legend-mystery-blog · 7 years

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Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

In this mini-challenge, you will write a self-para of either a flashback or current event of the one moment that broke your character’s heart.

( Goodbye | Avril Lavigne )

“You sent for me, Your Grace?”

The Dowager Empress gestured to the open briefcase sitting on the desk beside her. “10 million roubles, as promised, with my gratitude.”

“Right,” Dimitri nodded and stepped forward to receive the reward. “Thank you.”

He didn’t want the money, but here he was taking it anyway. Vlad was expecting his half of the reward, and Dimitri owed it to the older man to collect the million of roubles, so maybe that’s why he did it. Maybe he really was just as greedy as everyone made him out to be. Or maybe it was because his heart felt like it was breaking and he was only doing what was expected of him because he didn’t know what else to do. Money would distract him, give him a reason to go back to Russia, help Anya transform any sadness she was feeling into anger. If she found out he didn’t take the money she might go looking for him, and that was something he couldn’t have happen. She now lived in a world he never had and never would belong in. Anya had a bright, beautiful future ahead of her, and Dimitri would be damned before he pulled her away from that.

“Well that’s certainly a face to make when someone is handing you a fortune,” Marie stared at him with a raised brow, commenting on his lackluster expression. “You’ve got what you came for, what else could you want?”

Dimitri shook his head, “Unfortunately, nothing you can give.”

It was selfish of him to say something like that when she’d just given him ten million roubles, but he couldn’t help himself. Dimitri turned to leave, but the Empress’ words stopped him before he was halfway to the door.

“Young man, where did you get that music box?” It was a simple question, but Dimitri couldn’t find it in himself to answer her. The silence served as a good enough answer as any for the Dowager Empress. She walked towards him, “You were the boy, weren’t you? The servant boy who got us out. You saved her life that night, and mine.”

His jaw clenched and he looked down, “Please, don’t tell her. I’d rather she keep her memories of me in the past, where they belong. There isn’t any need”

There was a moment of quiet as the Empress thought over his request. With each second that passed the briefcase felt heavier and heavier. She made a little sound that sounded like a mix between a sigh and a tisk, “As you wish. I supposed it’s the least I can do.”

“Thank you, Your Grace,” Dimitri glanced up at her, his eyes dulled from the pain his heart was putting on him. He respectfully bowed his head, “I must go.”

She nodded and he was quick to make his exit. Vlad was waiting for him, and the money, in a nearby hotel. His partner in crime was staying in Paris to attend the ball the Empress was putting on to announce her granddaughter’s return; being a former aristocrat and influential to Anya’s return meant that he received an invitation to the event. All Dimitri had gotten was a doorman showing him the way out.

His head stayed down as walked out, eyes practically glued to the floor as he descended the stairs. In fact, he didn’t even notice Anya until she addressed him.”

“Hello, Dimitri,” Her voice was just as clear and confident as ever.

She looked beautiful in the glittering ballgown and it took everything in him to keep his voice steady and indifferent, “Hello.”

“Did you collect your reward?” Both her expression and tone were accusatory.

“My business is complete,” Dimitri answered, not wanting to say out loud that he’d taken the money.

A short, gray haired man came around the corner and interrupted their dying conversation, “Young man, you will bow and address the Princess as ‘Your Highness’.”

“No, that’s not necessary-” Anya tried to dismiss him, but Dimitri put up a hand and cut her off.

“Please…” He did as told and bowed. “Your Highness, I’m glad you found what you were looking for.”

For a moment Anya looked hurt, but she was quick to raise her chin and push aside whatever she was feeling, “Yes, I’m glad you did, too.”

“Well, then. Goodbye,” Dimitri bowed once more, “Your Highness.”

When he raised his head their eyes met and for a moment he couldn’t pull himself away. He wanted to say something, tell her he didn’t want the money. He only wanted her. She stayed silent as well, seemingly unable to continue walking upstairs. Dimitri blinked and came to his senses. No, he didn’t belong in her world. He didn’t deserve her.

His speed was almost that of a jog as he left the Dowager Empress’ residence, not sparring Anya even a glance as he left. He was scared that if he looked back at her he’d lose his nerve and wouldn’t be able to take another step away.

The rose she’d given him the night of the ballet was still in his suit pocket, and when Dimitri pulled it out while standing in line at the train station he saw that he was now in full bloom. Soft pink petals fanned out from the center and its scent was delicate and sweet. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent, immediately brought back to when Anya had given it to him. Cool night air, bright lights that twinkled all around them, Sophie practically bouncing around as she excitedly showed them “everything worth seeing,” how beautiful Anya looked as they explored the city-

“Vous êtes le prochain,” The ticket-man called out to him from behind his booth. Dimitri’s eyes flashed open and he realized the person standing in front of him in line was now gone.

“Right,” Dimitri shook his head of the memories and walked up to the ticket-booth. “Pardon.”

He bought himself a ticket and boarded the train, a suitcase full of clothes, two books, and pseudo travel papers in one hand and a briefcase containing 10 million roubles in the other. Dimitri sat by the window, the side of his head pressed against the semi-cold glass. After the last disaster of a train ride he’d been on Dimitri had sworn off trains, but here he was, on a train. When he thought about it, it was almost laughable how much hadn’t gone the way he’d planned it would. He’d told Vlad they’d “Go down in history!” for ‘finding’ the Princess Anastasia and returning her to her grandmother, but instead Dimitri was leaving as an anonymous factor to the Grand Duchess’ return.

As the train sped away the Parisian lights became smaller and smaller, dimmer and dimmer, father and father. And the further away they moved from Paris, the more Dimitri felt his heart breaking. Anya was the first - and probably the only - person he’d ever cared about before, and now she was gone.

He’d lost her.

#wdpa mini challenge #MINI-CHALLENGE 89 #wc

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cchie · 7 years

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Redd Blaze’s Big Ol’ Honkin’ Questionnaire

A. Psychology

What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera… Redd is an ESFP for sure. “The Entertainer”. Friendly, playful, enthusiastic, energetic, helpful.

What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera… Chaotic Good. Redd isn’t super selfish so she isn’t Chaotic Neutral, and she’s not evil.

Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? I’m sure Redd has ADHD and used to have anger issues. She also has depression but has been getting better about it.

Are they a pessimist or an optimist? Optimist! She used to be a pessimist but ever since escaping her father with Ducky, she’s become a brighter person.

Are they good at handling change in their life? She doesn’t really know how to approach it at first but eventually goes with the flow. She likes change and embraces it after the initial warm up

Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

Oh, Redd is never wrong. She’s very certain about everythng, except for the things she’s uncertain of, in which case she will still determine something definite about it.

Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted? Redd doesn’t get embarassed easily. She cries a lot and doesn’t think it’s an overreaction and actually believes it is a sign of strength. Redd isn’t startled easily but when she is, she’s not embarassed and rather laughs it off and thinks it was awesome.

Is your OC a martyr? I mean, I guess? She took all of her younger brother Ducky’s beatings for him since she didn’t want him to get hurt. So in a way she did sacrifice a lot of herself for his safety.

Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? Oh, absolutely. Ms. Blaze doesn’t ever mean it in a manipulative or harmful way, she just does so to keep everyone happy.

Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily? Hell no. Compromising with her is extremely difficult when it comes to the important things. When it comes to smaller stuff, it’s super easy to please her.

Does your OC put others’ needs before their own? Yes. Absolutely. If she cares about you, she will do anything for you. She has a very fierce love. She’ll take a hit for you, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves? Redd gets high off adrenaline. She’s the SHSL Daredevil, so naturally, she would be. There have been times where Ducky has come to Redd about some of her stunts as he grew older, but he would reluctantly step off once Redd’s fierce determination shined way too bright.

Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from? Redd actually has trypophobia. It’s a fear of irregular holes, cracks, etc. It freaks her out because it reminds her of the abuse her father put her through and also, it’s just plain terrifying.

Is your character empathetic? Yes! She doesn’t always seem it though. Once she understands the exact emotion someone is feeling, it clicks in her head.

Is your character observant? God, not really at all. She’s too busy in her own world to pay attention to details and small unimportant things.

Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first? Oh, she absolutely has to go through her own trials. Really, the only person she listens to is Ducky, and sometimes Reed or December. She’s too stubborn to listen to anybody else.

What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves? Saving Ducky.

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do? Not really. She’s pretty confident. She’ll only get jealous over loving parents and geniuses. Even then it’s more of a wistful jeaousy rather than a malicious jealousy.

What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood? People who are mean for no reason. Abusive parents. Being told what not to do.

Are they harsh on themselves? It depends. Physically, yes, but she can handle it. Emotionally, sometimes. But she always finds a way to deal with it.

Do they make excuses often? I mean, I answered this question earlier.

Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why? Generally attractive. She’s a strong, well-figured redhead. Her confidence also helps.

Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it? She always feels confident no matter what she’s wearing. She could be wearing a banana suit and still feel absolutely comfortable and like she’s killing it.

What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it? Redd tries to overcome being told what to do most of the time, hence her SHSL Ability. She knows she’s incredibly stubborn and wants to work on that a bit more. She also knows that she needs to get a handle on her emotions because of things she’s done in the past.

B. Social

Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it? Redd firmly believes in giving respect to get it. If you don’t show it, why should you get it? This was ahuge factor with her father and her hatred towards him, aside from all of the abuse.

Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly? Oh, most definitely. She doesn’t complain loudly about it though because she understands that the workers are trying their hardest. She’s just frustrated with the speed of things since she’s always on the move.

Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera? The only time Redd would ever get mad over someone in food service was if they were blatantly discriminating against somebody, or treating children like shit. She would also say something if she noticed a manager being particularly hard on their employees.

Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip? Tipping has always confused Redd. There’s something about a rule for 20% or something? She doesn’t know. She just gives a hefty amount since she has quite a bit of money from the stunts she does. When Ducky got older, he taught her that tips are generally given based off of the quality of service. But the thing is, Redd always thinks the quality is great and continues to tip a large amount of money.

Do they hold doors open for people? Yeah! If she sees somebody is walking her way, she’s very polite and holds open the door. Especially if it’s older people or children. She knows how rude some people are and refuses to be like that intentionally.

Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items? Hmmm, this is hard. On one hand she woudn’t want to because in fairness, she got there first, and she’s all about speed. But I think if somebody asked her if they could go in front, she would let them.

How do they respond to babies crying in public? She runs over to try to cheer them up by making funny faces and holding them. She tries to remember that she needs to ask the child’s parents if she can hold them and throw them up in the air, but it’s hard because she just gets so excited.

Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny? She is considered funny! The people who played in the campaign I created her in loved her. She thinks she’s frigging hilarious. Even if her jokes don’t make any sense.

What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM… Redd finds almost everything funny. Scare pranks crack her up but she doesn’t like the ones where the person gets genuninely upset. Slapstick can be pretty hilarious to her but, really, almost anything can crack her up.

Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t? She hates that kind of humor. It’s not funny if somebody is getting genuinely hurt.

Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late? She doesn’t really let them know unless she remembers. She’s very forgetful. She doesn’t lie about why she’s late. Redd is very blunt and open about things. “Yeah, I was late because I was too busy sleepin’! Sorry!”

Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do? I mean, she’ll eat it anyways. Can’t let food go to waste. Redd will eat just about anything, she’s not a picky eater.

Do they have a large or small group of friends? Large. She makes friends wherever she goes. She has a lot of love to give and passion to show.

Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves? As of right now, occaisonally Ducky. Sometimes she’ll initially lie about how she deals with things and Ducky sees right through it, so then she’ll open up and apologize.

Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..? YES. She loves them. She gets to make more friends, be her obnoxious self, and show off. Plus, there’s almost always free food.

Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix? Center of attention. She doesn’t mind being more in the mix, but when se does, she accidentally makes it about herself. Her loudness is a great factor to this.

C. Morality

Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it? Redd is a very morally grey character. She’ll drink alcohol despite being underage, but she won’t do drugs because that’s bad. Redd has a very upright moral code, but once murdered a acquaintance to save her little brother, and tried to get away with it. She also beat the shit out of her father because of his incessant abuse, believing she left him for dead. Redd believes in justice and getting what you deserve. She bases her actions off of these things: will this hurt someone, do they deserve it, will I get hurt, will this affect Ducky negatively, and what would Ducky think?

Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it? Redd felt incredily guilty about murdering December in order to save Ducky. She confessed immediately after getting caught and regretted taking an innocent life. She knows it was wrong, but would probably do it all over again if she had to.

Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own? Not necessarily. She doesn’t mind being friends with people who are completely different form her. Really the only basis she has for being around people is that they aren’t jerks who hurt people.

Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser? Redd thinks she’s a god reincarnated. She knows she’s dangerous, attractive, and physically superior. She doesn’t think so in a shallow way, but more in confidence. She thinks she’s the best. Because she has to.

Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational? This is tricky. But in the end, they would go out the window for her. SHe would know it isn’t right, but wants survival of the fittest.

What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so? If she sees somebody doing this, she will immediately give them both. She always carries cash and woud go to the nearest place and buy them a meal. She knows the world can be rough.

Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? Redd believes people can change over time, but is very hesitant to believe it firsthand with people who have done wrong. She’s very hypocritical when it comes to this.

Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical? I mean, she doesn’t really give a shit. She doesn’t have too many expectations and goes with the flow.

D. Religion and Life and Death

How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general? Redd isn’t religious. She doesn’t practice and she thinks religion is a little silly, but respects people’s beliefs and finds them pretty neat.

Do they believe in an afterlife? She doesn’t, but she hopes it exists. It doesn’t make sense to her as a concept, but she wants to be able to continue existing somewhere, especially if her loved ones will also be there.

How comfortable are they with the idea of death? She’s comfortable with it but doesn’t want to die until she’s ready. Redd gets sad when people she dies and she takes it hard, but she knows and understands it’s a natural thing and tries to cope via those beliefs.

Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be? Redd would absolutely take that offer up. I feel like she would love to be immortal, but would only hesitate because then that meant she would have to continue to exist without her loved ones. So actually, she wouldn’t! The desire to be with her loved ones is stronger than her desire to do everything in the world there is to do.

Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible? She does believe in ghosts. Everything has energy, and energy can neither be created or destroyed, so somebody’s existence has to go somewhere, right?

E. Education and Intelligence

Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree? Hahahaha, Redd is surprisingly intelligent in some aspects, but otherwise, she’s very simple, to put it plainly. She can definitely be an idiot and not understand or get a lot of things, but she’s smart in other areas.

Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera) Bodily-kinesthetic is most definitely her strongest. Her weakest would probably be logical-mathematical or lingustic. She doesn’t understand math as well as she wishes she did, and she’s not great with words. Redd speaks with malapropisms.

How many languages do they speak? A lot! Whether she gets all of the words and pronounces them correctly, is another question.

Did they enjoy school if they went to it? Redd enjoyed Hope’s Horizon but often slept in academic classes that bored her. She was too hyper for everything else that if the class couldn’t keep her focused, she would just sleep or eat.

What’s their highest education level? Do they want to continue their education? She eventually graduated from Hope’s Horizon, but didn’t go to college right away. She took a break for quite a few years until Ducky pushed her to attend college and get a degree. Although she wasn’t super open to it, she wanted to please Ducky. And when Ducky said, “Yeah? Well I dare you to go to college”, well, she just simply couldn’t refuse.

Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education? Redd loves learning about different things as long as they excite her. If they don’t, she doesn’t seek it out. If someone starts teaching her about something boring, she’ll try her best to get out of it or loudly proclaim “SNOOZEEE” if it’s a snore-fest.

Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous? No, no, and yes. Taking tests has never been her strong suit and she’ll just goof around and guess.

What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets? Leaving her father alive, but also letting her emotions control her in that moment.

F. Domestic Habits, Work, and Hobbies

What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there? After escaping her abusive father, Redd purchased a mansion to accomodate to her and Ducky. She ran away and looked for an abandoned house to stay at for just a day or two. Luckily, she found a giant, red mansion. She contacted the agent and bought it off.

What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it? The home she has right now is her ideal home. It’s in a large secluded area so that her and Ducky can have some peace and quiet for once.

Could they ever live in a “tiny home”? Nope. Redd takes up to much room and needs the space to run, move about, stretch, etc.

How clean are they overall with home upkeep? Not very clean at all. When she remembers to clean, she tries realy hard, but it ends up still looking very messy. Her idea of cleaning is putting things into “organized” piles.

How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera? Redd can be pretty handy, but she usually is the one accidentally breaking whatever needs fixing. She’ll usually come to Piper or Ducky if something needs fixing. If neither are available, she’ll resort to Google and epically fail at the instructions and somehow create something entirely new. Or get it to work but in a very bizarre and unrecedented way.

How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it? Redd’s full time job is as the SHSL Daredevil. She loves doing action-y things, stunts, dares, etc. It’s her life.

What’s their “dream career” or job situation? She has it! Travelling the world, meeting people, eating good food, and doing dangerous things.

How often are they home? As often as she can be. She likes coming home because it’s the first place that feels like home. But for the most part, she’s out and about.

Are they homebodies and enjoy being home? Not a homebody, but does enjoy being at home. She loves spending time with Ducky and inviting friends over to her mansion to play games, work out, swim, etc.

Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are? Redd doesn’t do art! She thinks art is beautiful and music is too, but she doesn’t know how to do either of them. She’ll participate when she feels like it but gets just a little dscouraged when it doesn’t come out as great as she wanted it to.

What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most? Anything extreme? Redd will love. Skateboarding, shark tanks, skydiving. But she secretly likes spending time doing what Ducky likes the most.

Would they enjoy a theme park? She would LOVE theme parks, but kicked out of some of them for reacting certain ways and trying to do dangerous things.

G. Family and Growing Up

Is your OC close to their family? Only Ducky. Her father was a real piece of shit and her mother left when she was very young, never to be seen again. Ducky is her life. She protects him and wants to make sure he grows up normally.

Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them? Her and her little brother Ducky.

Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not? She finds Ducky very supportive! She relies on him a lot.

What kind of childhood did your OC have? A very terrible one. Her father would get drunk and beat her. When Ducky was born, she had to take care of him because herfather would just drink and watch tv and go to work. When Ducky was a toddler, her father realized he had somebody else he could take his anger out on. When he first swung his fist at Ducky, Redd’s eyes widened in fear and anger and she jumped in front of Ducky, taking the hit for him. Ever since then, she made sure Ducky was never home alone with him and took every hit and blow intended for him.

Did they go through any typical phases growing up? Not really. Redd didn’t get to have any typeof typical childhood she she grew up very differently.

Do they have any favorite childhood memories? When she took Ducky to the movies for the first time. He was so excited and she was so happy she could treat him to it.

Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by? LOL. Redd wishes she could forget all the times her father scarred and burned her. She has long scars and burn marks from the abuse all over her back, arms, legs, stomach, etc. Most places where people can’t see. She used to wear long sleeves and jeans so nobody would notice. Once she ran away, she started becoming more comfortable in shorts and short sleeved shirts. She wishes she could forget her father, but uses her scars and marks to remind herself of her dedication and protectiveness.

H. Romance and Intimacy

What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation? Redd is pansexual and panromantic. She’s always been sure of having all types of love but was initially confused as to why her father hated gay people. She thought it was a bad thing. She soon realized it wasn’t and came to grips with it. Redd is also polyamorous but doesn’t mind being monogamous if her partner is.

Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover? Yes! Redd is very thoughtful, but a bit awkward at first. She’ll always try and make sure her and her partner(s) have fun and feel loved. In the beginning she’ll forget things and events but eventually she’ll start traingin herself to set reminders.

Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right? No! She’s polyamorous and believes that whatever feels right to the person, that’s how it is. If someone feels there’s only 1 person for them, then there is! If someone believes there are 3 people for them, then there is!

Does your OC believe in love in first sight? She does. She loves love.

Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)? In a way, not really. She believes in the legal advantages of marriage but doesn’t believe marriage is the be-all end-all. Although, a wedding would allow for good food, loud music, and loved ones.

Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on? She has never cheated on anybody and she has not ben cheated on. You better pray you don’t cheat on her.

What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..) Someone who is fun and appreciates her for who she is. If they are cool with her, then she’s down.

What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date? She doesn’t really have one. She’s perfectly content with whatever they do together. But I guess if I had to say something, good food and an adventure of some kind.

What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners? Abusive and intentionally mean people.

I. Food

What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera? Redd loves salty and spicy foods. Creamy weirds her out a little bit, but she loves food and is willing to eat anything.

Do they have any eating requirements or preferences? Allergies, vegetarian, organic-only, religious restrictions… Nope! Redd requires meat in every meal just because of preference but she’s not allergic to anything.

Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances? She could never. Meat is like oxygen to her. She thinks it’s wrong but doesn’t think about it too much.

How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot? Redd is never allowed to cook. She’s too attention defecit and forgetful and bad with directions. She orders out A LOT.

Are they a good cook? See above.

Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly? Absolutely. She eats steak and bacon almost every day.

J. Politics, Current Events, Environmental Aspects

Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most? Redd is more on the left side of the spectrum.

How politically aware are they? Redd is surprisingly politically aware. She used to pay no attention to things like that becase she didn’t think it affected her. But traveling has opened her eyes and now she is more open to it.

How politically active are they? Redd will absolutely fight for rights and take place in marches. She’ll go to protests and be the loudest one there.

Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong? Ducky is her source of correct information, and Violet and Jack as well. In fact, there’s a group chat dedicaed just to Redd linking articles to them asking about teir credibility.

Are they or would they protest for a cause they’re passionate about? Absolutely. Redd is a very passionate woman and won’t back down for what she believes in. She would have certainly marched in the Women’s March.

How do they react to people whose political viewpoints are very opposite of theirs? Not well. She’s not very open-minded in that aspect and will get in their face about if they even show ANY sign of agression.

How much interest in environmental health do they have? She is interested but not as interested as she could be.

In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle? Yes! She tries to be aware but often forgets. She does indeed believe in global warming.

L. For the Writer/Owner

How have your characters changed since you created them? Originally, I was going to have Redd be a little more serious. But then I decided to make her this lovable ginat goofball. I really love the archetype of dangerous girls who could kill you, but have a big heart and are dorks.

What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any? My biggest themes with her are action, overcoming abuse, and love.

Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you? This is hilarious because me and Redd have a lot in common. Each OC of mine takes parts of myself and I create and add things to them. Redd takes my passion and what I wish I could be. She’s like an extroverted me. She has my dedication and stubbornness as well. However, she’s more blunt, more extroverted, more active, etc.

Would you hang out with your OC if you could? PLEASE. I would love to hang out with her. She would be great.

How did you come up with your OC? @thores came up with a tabletop RPG for a Danganronpa type game. We had to create three characters, and so Redd was the first character I came up with. I wanted to play a more physical character since most of mine reflect my on physical abilities and comforts. I decided SHSL Daredevil would be pretty cool. I then came up with her personality, found a reference picture, and built her background from there.

#redd blaze #my ocs #damn this questionnaire is long as hell #mine

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generouslyteenagealpaca-blog · 6 years

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BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Does affordable FAMILY Health insurance in California even exist? :( Desperate!?

Hello: My husband and I are in the process of moving on in our life and figuring out the next step. Rather than moving ahead now and planning later I would rather plan now then move ahead. I feel that its not smart to start trying for a baby until we know if its going to be possible to afford health insurance. Right now we are both working fulltime but my work is not family friendly when it comes to health insurance. Currently to add my spouse and a child to my insurance whether its PPO or HMO its over $1,200 for us 3!!! When looking outside of my employer at what is out there its over $800! We make about $4,000 a month but after rent, car payments, cell phones, car insurance, bills, groceries, and gas we are left with only about $800 a month to live off of. And that is not nearly enough for a baby with daycare and health insurance!! We obviously dont qualify for state funding or and government assistance. I am just wondering if anything exists out there for people like us! :( Unfortunately it seems things would be easier if we both worked at a low income job or not worked at all!! Please help, I want a good future for us all and dont want to depend on government funding!!""

I was in a car accident with no insurance.?

It was a minor accident no injuries and my insurance ran out 3 days before the accident, i have got insurance again but The person I was in an accident with is taking me to court to try and get $2800 for the damages. Now I know his vehicle is not worth more than $1000. Could that mean that I can pay the price that the car books for and then he will have to give me the title, like insurance companies do?""

How strict is Humana health insurance with pre-existing conditions?

I've had acne since my teens but it's really been bothering me lately psychologically and hurting alot when trying to sleep on my back from cysts. Also sometimes minor acne on my face has been causing permanent scars. I want to go to the dermatologist and see if I can get accutane, but I just got my health insurance beginning of the year and had no creditable coverage before that. According to their written policy, I might not be eligible since I actually went to the doctor and got antibiotics for acne less than 24 months before enrollment in the health plan. I would like to say that the condition manifested itself in the past month psychologically which caused me to seek out accutane, which is true. Should I even mention my past diagnosis can they check it somehow? I really don't want to pay $3000 out of pocket for accutane, but I feel I really need to do this now for my own well being. What should I say to the doctor, how much will they investigate preexisting condition""

Are there life insurance policies for seniour citizens?

How much would it cost on insurance average for a 17 year old owning a street bike?

im looking at 2012 ninja 250r kawasaki street bike and wondering the average insurance monthly and im 17 years old

Can I be under my uncle's car insurance?

My uncle just bought a car for me as a gift, however it is under his name. Is it possible for me to be added as a driver under his insurance, even though I am under my parent's insurance? or would I have to add that car under my parent's insurance? This is all so confusing.""

Can I still own a car but without insurance?

I'm moving out, my car insurance is at 361.00$ a month now and I wont be able to afford rent and that. Is there anyway to either not have any insurance at all or just some sort of just minimal coverage?""

Affordable kids health insurance in Florida?

I recently got a new job, and my income combined with my husbands will be *just* over 200% of the Federal Poverty Level, making us ineligible for the $20/month payment for Medikids. It would cost $160 for each of our 2 children to continue this full coverage/no co-pay insurance. We cannot afford this. What are some other options? We definitely cannot afford insurance for the whole family.""

Please help... car insurance. 10 points for best answer.?

Hey i just bought a 1992 3 litre twin turbo<--- they don't know that bit Toyota supra 2 door 2 seats black. I am 19 and the cheapest insurance policy i can find for it is 7 grand i have a years no claims and pass plus, so that seems a bit stupid to me, Anyone have any name and or numbers of insurance companies in the uk that are likely to do me a good deal 3rd party, Thanks guys.""

Do I need life insurance for my baby?

I am about to have a baby, and see lots of ads for the Gerber Life Insurance for children, but don't know if I need it. The price seems to be less than what I would have to pay at my job. Is this something I need?""

Car insurance question...?

-I'm 15 going on 16 and I have an insurance question. Should there be a need for my name to be on my parents insurance on our car if the car itself is already insured? -Is it ok for your car to be insured without you being insured? Because its kind of

I received a non moving violation for exhaust/more. Will my insurance go up?

I received a ticket the other day for modified exhaust (Vehicle code 27151 Article B) and Gross polluter (Article 27156). Both are checked as non correctable, but I plan to go to the Ref because A. I know my vehicle is below 95db and B. I am running with a catalytic converter and have passed smog within the past 6 months. The second ticket I believe is just for having a Cold Air intake. Will these two things make my insurance rates rise or because they are non moving, they won't?""

""Thinking about buying individual health insurance in georgia, 22 years old?""

in the beginning of feb my dad passed away so i they dropped coverage on 2/28. i get health insurance through my employer but it isn't good. can i still apply online for individual health insurance even though i can get insurance through my employer? i plan on quitting in two months so i figure it would save me the hassle if i get individual health care now. i have asthma and need medicine regularly/monthly. i'm planning on going on vacation in the summer and then when i get back, i plan to get a job with health benefits, so i would only need insurance until then. would that be considered short term (now-august/september)? does the price differ from short term and long term health insurance? i was looking up some plans online and i was thinking of applying for this one. http://www.ehealthinsurance.com/ehi/ifp/plan-details?planKey=3002:200067&productLine=IFP&noSelectedPlan=true&ifpUIState.planDetailsBackUrl=/ifp/all-plans so what this means is that i pay 115 dollars a month and since there is no separate prescription deductible, i can buy my prescriptions which is tier 2/3 for the copay only. also there is a 2500 maximum out of pocket for my part. right? and is this a good plan for me? im 22 and dont smoke/drink and live in georgia, my only health concern is that i have asthma. can they reject my application because i have asthma and that's a pre-existing condition? and when i get a job with health benefits i can just cancel this or is there a contract that states i have to be with them for a certain amount of time? thank you very much for your time!""

How Much Is Too Much For Car Insurance?

Hi, I am an 18 year old male living in Huddersfield and in full time education at college. I passed my driving test in September 2010 and now its December, i decided to get an update of quotes on different cars such as 1.0 corsa's, 1.2 clio's and so on, but i was curious so i decided to check on my dad's 2005 1.4 diesel toyota. It came as a bit of a shock to me but i got a quote for 2600, on my own name some of the quotes i was getting were far to high, the lowest was 6000. So my question to you is, do you think 2600 is a reasonable quote to be a second driver on my dads car? I turned 18 a month ago and have had my driving lesson for just over 3 months, my dad has had his for over 30 years and has around 30 years no claims bonus, so do you think it is a reasonable quote ?""

How much is my health/car insurance going to be?

i am a 18 year old girl in california. ive never gotten a ticket or pulled over and i drive a 2010 ford fusion se(4 cyllinder) with all the safety features it offers. i dont think i have bad credit because all i have is a debit card that is attached to my parents accounts and they deposit money in it when i need it. so if i try to go over my limit it doesnt let me. we have triple a insurance and our bank is wells fargo. i dont know if having a job changes the price but ive had 2 other jobs and am currently employed in a new one. ive never been fired only laid off once because i was a seasonal worker and i quit another for not enough hours. all 3 jobs are retail jobs not making more than 9 dollars an hour. also i am a full time student with 12 units in a community college. My parents have basically perfect credit, both of them. does anyone know how much it will be for both health and car insurance if i start paying?""

company liability insurance quotes

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/maine-health-insurance-affordable-care-act-avery-albertson/"

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole. i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".

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ithinkimsoberyeah · 7 years

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I don’t know what it is about being consumed by the feeling of wanting to be selfless that seems to overwhelm my mind to an ironic level of selfishness. all day i ran around huffing and puffing angrily, desperately trying get out of my head. it lead to going to two sober meetings, where i utterly embarrassed myself during my only share for the day, next to a movie star no less, where she and others did that thing where they fake cough like some bullshit detector through my entire share. do you ever notice that? i am hyper aware of that behavior. going to so many meetings over the past year, when the share veers into self centered drivel, unaware nonsense or prideful boasting, people in the room start to grumble cough, like clearing their throat or their whole body has just gone dry from succubus-like energy that they suddenly react.

it just made me spiral out further. not sharing my truth and instead trying to equate what is happening to me to Kevin Spacey in American Beauty making a six figure income to working at a burger joint, and how I’m currently working at a fast food place, mostly closing shifts till 1am washing dishes and how i am broke and struggling. it came off as entitled, unaware and self-serving that i instantly tensed up and ended my share and closed up the rest of the meeting. i went directly to another meeting, almost fuming for the need to share ‘correctly’ -- how ridiculous i was being. i hated the speaker’s share, it went on too long and he refused to stop. the entire share was an excruciating laundry list of everyone that died in his life, mostly from drugs and suicide.. just on and on. but with a hint of smugness i felt, like proud warrior wounds over humility and peaceful outcome for his experience. so there i was, an angry jackass in my mind, hating myself, hating everyone in the room, and hating the speaker just jonesing to share that i hated myself and someone please fucking hurry up and acknowledged me and come over here now and nurse my goddamn ego and milk my sorrow and pet me like a good little self-centered idiot alcoholic self for wanting to express myself in such a way that will make me look oh so fucking put together for all you other quaking mess drunks can approve of me.. yeah, utter fucking nonsense.

i didn’t even know why i was mad all morning and then realized i was in great denial of my roommate. the ex was just 34 hours from a month, and went out and relapsed. he went to some fake excuse of a bbq while i was washing those dishes at that wonderful fast food joint last night, and didn’t come home. i put it in my cute little head that he just drank and passed out and would come home.

he did come home this morning. i couldn’t talk to him. or look at him. all this buddha, quiet mind time and meetings and sponsor talk, and i’m still nowhere to be found in the adult world of taking care of shit. standing up for myself or my life.

i went into the kitchen and squeezed him orange juice and made eggs while calling my parents. i went into oblivious mode. the family talk was wonderful actually. but the ex used this time to change, take a cock ring from the bathroom (i later discovered when i went looking for a clean pair of socks) and leave before i could get off the phone fully to confront him.

i got a sheepish text hours later that he’s sorry again.

so the two meetings i thought after calling my sponsor right when he left the apartment, only to discuss Step One, and not admit to my sponsor what had happened, I went along with my morning like I was still in self recovery mode. Home made breakfast, family phone call, big book reading, sponsor call for step work, and then off to meetings. But after leaving the apartment, I just started fuming. I was angry at everything. My subconscious began to boil up to attack my ‘everything is fine’ denial state. The first meeting presented facade just made it all worse. I wouldn’t recognize what was happening.

I wondered around the park across the street for the next hour just in a stressed daze. I finally had come to terms with what had happened.

My ex had used meth after 28 days of sobriety. After I had told him in a stone cold state of mind that I would not take another relapse from him. I have been honest with my sponsor up to now about what has been going on at home, but my sponsor and grand sponsor have both strongly urged that if he relapses he must go or I must go, that we cannot continue cohabiting. My ex knew this, and was in the best mind set and sober streak in a long time. 28 days, he was his normal self to his best abilities. Better days were coming.

This Wednesday, I am due for a $1000 payment in my Eviction settlement. I have been dealing honestly and upfront to the property lawyer about my situation, they have kindly decided to work with me. I pushed myself into going into humbling work as a fast food jockey for the whole neighborhood to see (in my vast egotistical mind, yeah right) and we were really both working hard and honestly for the first time this year.

Now I don’t know if we’ll have the thousand cash Wednesday. And the legal document I signed says the property company can now evict us immediately without recourse within a day or two from non-payment and forgo all further legal action. So I can be plainly homeless by this Friday. Today is Monday.

Now, my ex will probably not work much this week as he has disappeared and then try to recover for a day or two. My fast food job isn’t enough to cover these eviction payments on my own.

Now I would have to call back my parents after our happiest, fullest conversation in months, to say that I guess that was all for show I guess, and I’m desperate to come home. That or push myself to live in sober housing.

Now I will have to tell my sponsor or lie to him. If I tell him and don’t push my ex out, I’m pretty sure my sponsor will drop me.

If I finally do push my ex out, I’m his last bastion of hope, as we’ve made it out to be. His father and brother refuse to speak with him anymore. He has nowhere to live, he can’t seem to get a real job other than background acting and audience work.

My gut feeling says he would be apartment to apartment of junkies and sex scenes so unbearable he’ll be on the street and dead within weeks.

My heart says I can’t fucking bear that lifelong scar. Carry yet another burden of failure so enormous I’d want to quickly kill myself as well.

So here I am, his selfish addiction, my self addiction, both proverbial guns pointed at my own head, taking life way too fucking seriously, stuck in my selfish head, fuming about a shitty day, looking bad in aa of all stupid things to be upset about, and exhausted from the anguish in my head about what to do.

My brain says to just leave, go in the morning, leave to Denver and see my family, and stay there for the rest of my life. Recover, disappear. become a person of integrity with my family -- FINALLY.

some other voices are screaming at me. some are crying in pain. some are so cynical and despondent. the whole of me is just lost, once again.

the only thing i’m doing right is staying sober.

i’m only at 37 days. my sponsor is out of town on holiday for a full week. and this just all dropped on me, like it was perfectly timed for me to handle this while i’m feeling utterly alone.

i need to reach out to those in aa, but am embarrassed and ashamed.

i need to be honest with healthy, wise people and take their advice, and ACT on it.

i’m scared to waste another day enabling anyone. another day wasted on pain, on addiction, on fear, on giving in to my past bad habits, to giving in to my ex’s impulses just one more time out of a million.

if i just leave, and he dies..

there’s just a part of me that says, i completely failed at this life, and nothing i ever do going forward. even if it was to become successful in my career, secure in my maturity, build a foundation of relationships, become a mentor or a distant dream of being a good father to a child.. that it won’t matter. i let someone i love die. i gave up on them.i told them this time is finally the last, and they are on their own.

on my sobriety vision board i have created since started up the program again. i cut out a quote that says - “ Every time you enable someone else’s drug abuse or alcoholism by cleaning up their mess, you help them avoid the consequences that might just motivate them to change.”

i put it on my board for me, to remind myself no one should be responsible for my alcoholism but me, especially its consequences. now it is directly speaking to my situation with my ex right now.

if i scrounge and sell and barter for enough money to squeak by the $1000 payment, that gives him just another excuse to use again. he will say he is sorry, like we both have been hundreds of times over 12 1/2 years, and will mean it, and will try his best to stay on course for as long as possible.

but i guess i don’t believe him anymore. he’s never been to a meeting, he doesn’t respect our home, doesn’t clean up after himself, barely works enough to get by with the little we have between us to keep up life as it is. the work i do is miserable and humiliating, but i’ve told myself it is temporary till we get through this eviction contract.. which by the way will take until the end of September.

so -- thankfully-- by mentally digesting my day, and getting to journal my thoughts -- which is a true blessing right now. i’ve got it down to this.

when the ex returns --

Option 1: He goes to meetings now. I need proof of going to meetings and seeking outside help. Go with him for therapy intake at lgbt center. Make sure he goes. If he refuses this, then I am to leave this week from the apartment.

Option A: I will leave within the week and we’ll divide up the money, so he can have at least some money to try and secure housing, tell him about all the sober living places phone info.

Option B: I stay till July when I have a flight home to Denver scheduled anyway. We will use the time to pay towards what we can, and that gives him yet another month, his last month with me, to secure full time work, where he will be better equipped to take care of himself.

right now this all sounds like alcoholic nonsense to me. i feel alone, betrayed, embarrassed and almost too paralyzed to act.

I am just fucking exhausted for these high stake, high emotion, live or die moments. I’ve been living them everyday for almost a decade now. This week, is actually par for the course of every other week I’ve lived in and around alcohol and addiction. So in a way I’m not that shocked, just chronically tired that I’m still this stuck, this spiritually unevolved, and that I keep letting my life be lived in enveloping chaos because -- I tell myself I’m too weak to do anything else. especially to be responsible for the life of my ex. which is just ridiculous and such a bullshit prison i’ve built myself, and he’s gladly taken up as his home.

i want a life of peace and love.. right?

better go get it before i change my mind again and become a victim of my own idiocy once again.

i see all my trappings, and the freedom from them now.

i just have to make the sober choice now.

no excuses left for me.

except the ones trying to lull me into oblivion.

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